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I literally just ate a tortilla with butter and some cinnamon sugar. It was delicious. I know you're jealous. 😂

Toast and butter is a go-to for sure.

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Excuse me?! What do you mean I look chubby? I look fantastic. 😎

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Wow, I never knew this! Not sure if I'm autistic, but I'm ND.

I've loved the water since I was little. Apparently I ran down the ramp into the pool when I was a toddler and I didn't know how to swim. 😂 My mom had to jump in fast to prevent me from drowning. Thanks mom!

Also, I have hEDS and lipedema. Swimming is great for these conditions. I love the warm water pools especially.

Does anyone try to reach the bottom of the pool and swim as far as you can before coming up? It makes me feel like Ariel. 😆 I'm so glad I got into swimming last year.

Autism and Water: A Special Bond

The Autistic Teacher

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I can listen to the same song for days (weeks...). Although I listen to other things as well. I really focus on the one song though.

On a tangent, but related to music. When nothing is playing in the background, does anyone hear music playing in their head? A song already composed or not? Sometimes music is playing my head and it takes me a while to realize. Also, I usually hear songs that are already composed, but at times something I've never heard before is playing. I wish I could compose music so I can share what I hear. 😂

how long can you loop a song you really like before you get sick of it (assume you have it on loop nonstop for this time period)?

i could probably do it forever over 24 hours 12-24 hours 8-12 hours 4-8 hours 2-4 hours 1-2 hours 30 mins to an hour less than 30 mins i can't listen to songs on loop at all unsure nuance

I'm going to add an answer or two just because I've known people to go for longer than that, if it's okay!

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This lil roly poly baby. 🥰 And maybe it's the fur and small stature that creates an illusion, but adorable nonetheless. Now I need to figure out how to look adorable in my chubby state. 🤔 I'm pretty sure meowing is not gonna cut it.

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This cat is ready for the new year!

Happy kitty 🐈😺

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This is rough. The moments that maybe I am feeling better and I'm a "productive member of society" I start thinking I'm making this all up, I'm just faking. Or I assume others think so.

I had neurosurgery a couple years ago (everything's fine, not related to my chronic issues). My husband's parents came to stay with us and help out, which was extremely appreciated especially since they live in a different state. I think it was day 2 of me being home and I had a short conversation with my father-in-law, he said "oh it seems you're doing better." He was aloof to the fact that I could only be in the living room for maybe 5 or 10 minutes before having to go back to bed. Or that I wasn't allowed to bend over for several weeks or that I needed to take everything slow otherwise I'd make myself sick. A lot more happened that was rather upsetting. My husband was in my corner though and supported me through it all.

Sometimes I’m hit by the realization of just how much abled-body people don’t get it.

I still live at home with my parents and I was doing my laundry and my dad commented that I must be feeling better.

I’m not feeling better - bronchitis is still kicking my ass but the laundry needed done and I’m used to functioning in pain. I’ve been doing it all my life.

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I'm pretty sure I don't know anyone like this. 😂🤣🫐😈

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Heyo! New to this kink (working on self acceptance with it and body image as a whole) but I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. It's so refreshing not to feel alone anymore 😭

Aw thanks for sending this. I'm seriously struggling right now and I appreciate hearing you don't feel as alone. I hope you're doing okay, and it's okay if you aren't (not that I want you to struggle to begin with).

Feel free to DM me if you ever need/want to talk.

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just wanted to say it’s almost comforting to see someone in the same situation as me; chubby girl with a restrictive ed but also into bloating and belly stuff (^_^) thought i’d say hai, and you’re not alone (╹◡╹)♡

i recently made this blog to celebrate my tummy and my chubbiness and dabble in bloating stuff, rather than surround myself in places like edtwt >_> hope you’re having a good week ∩^ω^∩ we got this!

Thanks for sharing! It is refreshing to know there are more people who experience ED and body image issues AND like bloating. I'm always curious to see what is going on in my brain. 😂 I hope you're doing well!

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So relatable! Also, sometimes it gets really quiet after I say something and everyone just looks at me. I have no idea what I did wrong. I think over what I said and I swear it's relevant. I didn't go off topic. Or I can't even get a word in. I wait and then once I start saying something I get cut off and no one comes back to me to let me talk. I don't know why it always happens, but it has to be me doing something wrong.

What do you do when it feels like you're being shut out of a conversation? Are you actually being shut out or did people actually not hear you? Socializing is such a difficult strategy game that I have a lot of trouble playing.

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Daaaaang. Call me out why don't you. 😂🤣 I feel this.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just inserting myself and hoping a round peg (ha, round) fits in a square hole. If I sense a shift in the group then I usually step away. I'm super awkward and socially anxious. It's possible my perception is off and that I actually am true friends with these people. As they say, it takes two to tango. Both people have to want to be friends and it's not always clear who my friends are. I have a lot of acquaintances, which is fine. I'm not a popular person in general. I fly under the radar and people don't even remember if I was around or not when such-and-such happened.

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Yeeeaaaah, I still struggle with this. Of course, I like bloating and I think it's fun to view this from a blueberry inflation lens. However I go back and forth on this for a few reasons:

Sharing pics of my body seems intimate. I know I'm not showing off a lot of skin because that's not my style. However I think about my husband and how sharing my body is really for him and not anybody else.

I know this is a kink, although I'm not here for the sexual side of things. I find it amusing that I can play around with this without judgment.

Overall people have been really respectful when I've talked to them. There are moments I'm uncomfortable when the conversation moves into feedism territory. I don't want to gain weight. I've received a lot of feedback that I'm really round and such. Based on that I understand the appeal of me being bigger. It's not my thing though.

When stuff is on the internet it's ON THE INTERNET. I'm not aware of my pics being posted elsewhere. I think a lot of us agree that this side of ourselves is private and I'd like to keep it that way.

I really appreciate any feedback you have. 😊

I go back and forth about sharing pics of my body. I want to use this blog as a way to improve my body image and letting myself feel big with "inflating." In a way I want to prove the world won't end if I am bigger, which would be really helpful with recovery. Allowing and trusting my body to heal from an ED is hard, especially when the body puts on weight to heal. And then I feel apprehensive about sharing because it seems kind of intimate.

I appreciate any thoughts and opinions. 😊

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Hey wanna chat about blueberry stuff and feedism and things becaue we both love them and I also think your nice and round

I don't mind chatting when I have time. Just to clarify I don't participate in feedism. I find it fascinating when others want to gain weight and I do follow some feedist blogs.

And thanks. 😬 It's still weird sharing pics. 😅

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This may be controversial especially during this political climate...

Miley Cyrus sounds like a chipmunk in Party In The USA.

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worried anon here again, but off anon this time bc fuck it, and also if we can’t be open about shit on our kink blogs, where can we??? 💜

I’ve felt and seen how seductive an ED can be; besides my own history of disordered eating and dysmorphia, the love of my life struggles with pretty serious anorexia, and it kills me to watch her be drawn back in again and again by this terrible thing that our culture only perpetuates, even now that she’s years into recovery. When she was at her worst, when she had almost convinced herself that the ED was “working,” she was so miserable and exhausted and listless and angry all the time, and she still hated her body to the point of suicidality. The weight she lost didn’t fix any of it, but it did make her incredibly hard to be around and made her life feel so small that she didn’t want to live it anymore. It makes me sick that the world we live in would rather we hurt and hate ourselves over and over again, systematically denying ourselves the nutrients we need to live, in order to make us think we’re doing right by our bodies and that people will think we’re beautiful. I’m sure you’ve heard all this kind of thing before, just as my fiancée has, from therapists and partners and friends and family and doctors, but I know from my experience that it’s easier to actually start to hear it when you’re not also exposing yourself to pro-ED voices. When I was in high school and at my most mentally ill, I had a whole secret blog where I posted and reblogged self-harm content, so I genuinely do get how that can make you feel less alone. When you’re at your lowest, the most important thing is to not isolate yourself, even if that means you’re in some darker online spaces. Obviously you can and should like whatever posts you want on here, and me and your other followers can easily protect ourselves by blocking pro-ana tags — I guess I just wanted you to know that someone who doesn’t even know you is genuinely worried about you, and hates to see you unable to see how beautiful and valuable you are.

I get the relapsing stuff too; I hadn’t restricted in almost 10 years, but then last December I went through some major life/career/medication changes and gained like 30 lbs in a couple of months, and all the ED and SH voices came right back. The best things I’ve done for myself since then are the simple ones: 1) remind myself that if it was my fiancée feeling this way I would be endlessly telling her how beautiful she is, 2) try to remember that gaining weight isn’t a moral or health failure and is actually a natural part of getting older, and 3) buy myself some cute new underwear and comfy new pants so I didn’t feel horrible every time I tried to get dressed for the day. It’s taken months, and in the mean time I got a new job, this weird old kink of mine resurfaced (possibly as a coping mechanism? idk man, the human brain is wild), and I yanked myself back into a healthier relationship with food and mirrors, but it was and continues to be fucking HARD.

Long story not-so-short, I am really proud of you for making it this far. I am proud of you for being here, and I am proud of every time you push back against those voices, alluring as they might be. Recovery is the toughest, weirdest thing, but it is so worth it. I hope your husband is loving on you lots, I hope you had a wonderful Halloween looking adorable in your Violet costume, and I hope you’ll reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I’m leaving this as an ask bc I don’t wanna risk making you feel uncomfortable, but feel free to DM me instead of posting/answering it publicly if you’d rather.

💜💜💜

Hello Not So Anon Anymore,

I appreciate you reaching out again and for sharing some of your and your fiancee's stories. One thing I find helpful is hearing about other people's experiences, even if it's not ED related. Hearing how someone has fought and struggled and conquered is good inspiration that maybe not all is lost.

To be honest, I was taken aback by your first ask. When I started reading I was like this person is leaving a compliment, which took a left turn. Not a bad left turn, just an unexpected one. It made me face what I had been doing and it was a good example of how personal struggles don't only affect you.

Oof, I totally understand that crankiness and feeling irritated. I've snapped at people when not meaning to. When you've got a constant stream of thoughts bombarding you it can be easy to lose it, not that it's okay to do so.

Like you said isolation is no bueno. Thinking about my relapse, I did isolate. I'd think maybe I can reach out to a friend, but then I'd stop myself. They've got a lot going on and it always seems like something is wrong when I connect with them, how annoying of me, what a burden. I noticed that no one reached out to me. Not that I was expecting anyone to reach out, but usually friendships go both ways. Both people contact each other and no one did. My ED was like "see, they don't even like you." And that only made the isolation worse.

I also didn't talk to my husband because he had a lot going on and I didn't want to him to try to impede my "progress." Of course I finally told him after several months. He was upset because I wasn't talking to anyone about it, and I don't blame him for feeling that way. Who wouldn't want their significant other to be healthy?

The interesting thing is I was big and I was experiencing symptoms that someone would assume an underweight person faced. I was lightheaded a lot. There were times I wasn't near anything to hold on to so I would crouch to the floor. (I even had a dream of it happening out in public. Tried to will myself to keep walking, but eventually crouched down because I didn't want to fall.) I've never been that lightheaded ever, but I didn't lose much weight when I was younger which is why I never experienced that before. I was scared that my symptoms were increasing in frequency, but at the same time it was a sign that it was "working." I eventually fainted one night. I've never fainted and it was so scary. I didn't even know I had fainted when I first woke up. I literally thought I had somehow fallen out of bed. My memory came back quickly and I couldn't believe I had fainted. Me, overweight, had fainted? I always associated that with those who were underweight, who were actually sick, who actually looked the part of an anorexic. But something that the general population don't seem understand is that it doesn't matter your weight or size - EDs don't discriminate. Starving is starving, regardless of size the body needs energy and when you deplete it the body will respond like a car without gas. It will breakdown.

Also, I totally agree that paying more attention to the bloating and such is a coping mechanism. In a way I think I'm trying to beat "it" first. Like making fun of myself first before someone else can. Making myself big before recovery or my lipedema can. I wish this wasn't such a mind fuck.

I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Being vulnerable is challenging and it's brave you decided to not be Anon this time. And same - reach out to talk, even if you'd like to unpack what's going on with your fiancee. I really hope everything works out for you both. 💙

Thanks again.

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I just wanna say that you’re beautiful, all the kinky shit aside. I’ve been getting posts recommended to me on my tumblr fyp that say you liked them, and they’re all horrible upsetting pro-ana stuff, and I don’t know if those are old likes or new ones, but I hope you aren’t falling prey to those demons. They’re always wrong, and all they ever want is to erase you and make you less of who you’re meant to be. You deserve better 💜

This is a long one, friends, so feel free to skip.

First, thank you for sending, Anon. You didn't have to and you still did.

Recovery is complicated, and that's an understatement. Although I like Violet and "blowing up," that's all in fantasy land. In the real world, I would like nothing more than to lose weight.

For the longest time I've believed that my worth comes from being thin and beautiful, that things would make sense and fall into place. That I wouldn't hate myself anymore if I could just get to the right size and then being the right size would also equate to beauty.

I started gaining weight after I was in recovery for a year. I gained a lot over the course of several years. I couldn't figure out what was wrong; working with my dietitian, going to the doctor's, getting test after test to just be told 🤷🏻‍♀️. I thought I was losing my mind. It was really hard to focus on recovery and I slipped a lot.

I was (and still am) extremely aware of how much space I take up and compared myself to those around me. I was (and still am) extremely aware of the fat shaming that happens around me. I hated leaving the house because I knew I would be judged for my size, and that judgment is still a fear I experience today.

I relapsed during 2022 and lost a "significant" amount of weight. I'm using quotes because that's how my therapist described it. I wish I had lost more so it didn't seem significant enough. Then in 2023 I finally found the answer I was looking for - lipedema. I was very grateful to know what was wrong, but it still sucks.

This year I've been working on recovery and it's been fucking difficult. I can't seem to just stay on one side. One day I'm gonna do my best and eat regularly and try to be nice to myself. The next day I may flip and start thinking about weight loss. This time the ED would work, I'll make sure it works. Pat myself on the back if I didn't eat while in the office or got a certain number of steps in. It's exhausting ping ponging back and forth.

My FYP matches that ping pong game. Sometimes I'm not even looking for ED related stuff and it hits me in the face. This might sound weird to some - EDs are very seductive. They can easily be called an addiction. My neuropathways are ready and raring to go down the highway to ED Land. Sometimes I can stop it along the way and sometimes I can't. Some of the posts feel comforting because I know I'm not alone. Some of the posts would be pretty alarming for most people with the imagery and text. I know it's not helpful to look at the pro ana and ED related posts. Just like I can be in awe with how big someone's tummy is, I can also be in awe of various pro ana content.

I know the actual problem is feeling like I don't deserve better. I punish myself for not meeting the high expectations I've collected over the years. Self compassion is still a foreign concept. Logically I understand why it's important to practice, it just seems wrong for some reason.

Again, Anon, I really appreciate you reaching out and voicing concern. It's helpful to hear the same positive and supportive messages from different areas of my life. And I'm sorry you're getting these recommendations. I didn't realize that would happen and now I remember I turned off the option to get recommendations. 😬 Just know I heard you. I'm sure you already know that change is slow, although I'll be more mindful of what I like on here.

Thanks 💙