inflatingnblue

[inflatingnblue]

Daaaaang. Call me out why don't you. 😂🤣 I feel this.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just inserting myself and hoping a round peg (ha, round) fits in a square hole. If I sense a shift in the group then I usually step away. I'm super awkward and socially anxious. It's possible my perception is off and that I actually am true friends with these people. As they say, it takes two to tango. Both people have to want to be friends and it's not always clear who my friends are. I have a lot of acquaintances, which is fine. I'm not a popular person in general. I fly under the radar and people don't even remember if I was around or not when such-and-such happened.

[inflatingnblue]

Yeeeaaaah, I still struggle with this. Of course, I like bloating and I think it's fun to view this from a blueberry inflation lens. However I go back and forth on this for a few reasons:

Sharing pics of my body seems intimate. I know I'm not showing off a lot of skin because that's not my style. However I think about my husband and how sharing my body is really for him and not anybody else.

I know this is a kink, although I'm not here for the sexual side of things. I find it amusing that I can play around with this without judgment.

Overall people have been really respectful when I've talked to them. There are moments I'm uncomfortable when the conversation moves into feedism territory. I don't want to gain weight. I've received a lot of feedback that I'm really round and such. Based on that I understand the appeal of me being bigger. It's not my thing though.

When stuff is on the internet it's ON THE INTERNET. I'm not aware of my pics being posted elsewhere. I think a lot of us agree that this side of ourselves is private and I'd like to keep it that way.

I really appreciate any feedback you have. 😊

I go back and forth about sharing pics of my body. I want to use this blog as a way to improve my body image and letting myself feel big with "inflating." In a way I want to prove the world won't end if I am bigger, which would be really helpful with recovery. Allowing and trusting my body to heal from an ED is hard, especially when the body puts on weight to heal. And then I feel apprehensive about sharing because it seems kind of intimate.

I appreciate any thoughts and opinions. 😊

[inflatingnblue]

Hey wanna chat about blueberry stuff and feedism and things becaue we both love them and I also think your nice and round

I don't mind chatting when I have time. Just to clarify I don't participate in feedism. I find it fascinating when others want to gain weight and I do follow some feedist blogs.

And thanks. 😬 It's still weird sharing pics. 😅

[inflatingnblue]

This may be controversial especially during this political climate...

Miley Cyrus sounds like a chipmunk in Party In The USA.

[inflatingnblue]

worried anon here again, but off anon this time bc fuck it, and also if we can’t be open about shit on our kink blogs, where can we??? 💜

I’ve felt and seen how seductive an ED can be; besides my own history of disordered eating and dysmorphia, the love of my life struggles with pretty serious anorexia, and it kills me to watch her be drawn back in again and again by this terrible thing that our culture only perpetuates, even now that she’s years into recovery. When she was at her worst, when she had almost convinced herself that the ED was “working,” she was so miserable and exhausted and listless and angry all the time, and she still hated her body to the point of suicidality. The weight she lost didn’t fix any of it, but it did make her incredibly hard to be around and made her life feel so small that she didn’t want to live it anymore. It makes me sick that the world we live in would rather we hurt and hate ourselves over and over again, systematically denying ourselves the nutrients we need to live, in order to make us think we’re doing right by our bodies and that people will think we’re beautiful. I’m sure you’ve heard all this kind of thing before, just as my fiancée has, from therapists and partners and friends and family and doctors, but I know from my experience that it’s easier to actually start to hear it when you’re not also exposing yourself to pro-ED voices. When I was in high school and at my most mentally ill, I had a whole secret blog where I posted and reblogged self-harm content, so I genuinely do get how that can make you feel less alone. When you’re at your lowest, the most important thing is to not isolate yourself, even if that means you’re in some darker online spaces. Obviously you can and should like whatever posts you want on here, and me and your other followers can easily protect ourselves by blocking pro-ana tags — I guess I just wanted you to know that someone who doesn’t even know you is genuinely worried about you, and hates to see you unable to see how beautiful and valuable you are.

I get the relapsing stuff too; I hadn’t restricted in almost 10 years, but then last December I went through some major life/career/medication changes and gained like 30 lbs in a couple of months, and all the ED and SH voices came right back. The best things I’ve done for myself since then are the simple ones: 1) remind myself that if it was my fiancée feeling this way I would be endlessly telling her how beautiful she is, 2) try to remember that gaining weight isn’t a moral or health failure and is actually a natural part of getting older, and 3) buy myself some cute new underwear and comfy new pants so I didn’t feel horrible every time I tried to get dressed for the day. It’s taken months, and in the mean time I got a new job, this weird old kink of mine resurfaced (possibly as a coping mechanism? idk man, the human brain is wild), and I yanked myself back into a healthier relationship with food and mirrors, but it was and continues to be fucking HARD.

Long story not-so-short, I am really proud of you for making it this far. I am proud of you for being here, and I am proud of every time you push back against those voices, alluring as they might be. Recovery is the toughest, weirdest thing, but it is so worth it. I hope your husband is loving on you lots, I hope you had a wonderful Halloween looking adorable in your Violet costume, and I hope you’ll reach out if you ever need someone to talk to. I’m leaving this as an ask bc I don’t wanna risk making you feel uncomfortable, but feel free to DM me instead of posting/answering it publicly if you’d rather.

💜💜💜

Hello Not So Anon Anymore,

I appreciate you reaching out again and for sharing some of your and your fiancee's stories. One thing I find helpful is hearing about other people's experiences, even if it's not ED related. Hearing how someone has fought and struggled and conquered is good inspiration that maybe not all is lost.

To be honest, I was taken aback by your first ask. When I started reading I was like this person is leaving a compliment, which took a left turn. Not a bad left turn, just an unexpected one. It made me face what I had been doing and it was a good example of how personal struggles don't only affect you.

Oof, I totally understand that crankiness and feeling irritated. I've snapped at people when not meaning to. When you've got a constant stream of thoughts bombarding you it can be easy to lose it, not that it's okay to do so.

Like you said isolation is no bueno. Thinking about my relapse, I did isolate. I'd think maybe I can reach out to a friend, but then I'd stop myself. They've got a lot going on and it always seems like something is wrong when I connect with them, how annoying of me, what a burden. I noticed that no one reached out to me. Not that I was expecting anyone to reach out, but usually friendships go both ways. Both people contact each other and no one did. My ED was like "see, they don't even like you." And that only made the isolation worse.

I also didn't talk to my husband because he had a lot going on and I didn't want to him to try to impede my "progress." Of course I finally told him after several months. He was upset because I wasn't talking to anyone about it, and I don't blame him for feeling that way. Who wouldn't want their significant other to be healthy?

The interesting thing is I was big and I was experiencing symptoms that someone would assume an underweight person faced. I was lightheaded a lot. There were times I wasn't near anything to hold on to so I would crouch to the floor. (I even had a dream of it happening out in public. Tried to will myself to keep walking, but eventually crouched down because I didn't want to fall.) I've never been that lightheaded ever, but I didn't lose much weight when I was younger which is why I never experienced that before. I was scared that my symptoms were increasing in frequency, but at the same time it was a sign that it was "working." I eventually fainted one night. I've never fainted and it was so scary. I didn't even know I had fainted when I first woke up. I literally thought I had somehow fallen out of bed. My memory came back quickly and I couldn't believe I had fainted. Me, overweight, had fainted? I always associated that with those who were underweight, who were actually sick, who actually looked the part of an anorexic. But something that the general population don't seem understand is that it doesn't matter your weight or size - EDs don't discriminate. Starving is starving, regardless of size the body needs energy and when you deplete it the body will respond like a car without gas. It will breakdown.

Also, I totally agree that paying more attention to the bloating and such is a coping mechanism. In a way I think I'm trying to beat "it" first. Like making fun of myself first before someone else can. Making myself big before recovery or my lipedema can. I wish this wasn't such a mind fuck.

I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement. Being vulnerable is challenging and it's brave you decided to not be Anon this time. And same - reach out to talk, even if you'd like to unpack what's going on with your fiancee. I really hope everything works out for you both. 💙

Thanks again.

[inflatingnblue]

I just wanna say that you’re beautiful, all the kinky shit aside. I’ve been getting posts recommended to me on my tumblr fyp that say you liked them, and they’re all horrible upsetting pro-ana stuff, and I don’t know if those are old likes or new ones, but I hope you aren’t falling prey to those demons. They’re always wrong, and all they ever want is to erase you and make you less of who you’re meant to be. You deserve better 💜

This is a long one, friends, so feel free to skip.

First, thank you for sending, Anon. You didn't have to and you still did.

Recovery is complicated, and that's an understatement. Although I like Violet and "blowing up," that's all in fantasy land. In the real world, I would like nothing more than to lose weight.

For the longest time I've believed that my worth comes from being thin and beautiful, that things would make sense and fall into place. That I wouldn't hate myself anymore if I could just get to the right size and then being the right size would also equate to beauty.

I started gaining weight after I was in recovery for a year. I gained a lot over the course of several years. I couldn't figure out what was wrong; working with my dietitian, going to the doctor's, getting test after test to just be told 🤷🏻‍♀️. I thought I was losing my mind. It was really hard to focus on recovery and I slipped a lot.

I was (and still am) extremely aware of how much space I take up and compared myself to those around me. I was (and still am) extremely aware of the fat shaming that happens around me. I hated leaving the house because I knew I would be judged for my size, and that judgment is still a fear I experience today.

I relapsed during 2022 and lost a "significant" amount of weight. I'm using quotes because that's how my therapist described it. I wish I had lost more so it didn't seem significant enough. Then in 2023 I finally found the answer I was looking for - lipedema. I was very grateful to know what was wrong, but it still sucks.

This year I've been working on recovery and it's been fucking difficult. I can't seem to just stay on one side. One day I'm gonna do my best and eat regularly and try to be nice to myself. The next day I may flip and start thinking about weight loss. This time the ED would work, I'll make sure it works. Pat myself on the back if I didn't eat while in the office or got a certain number of steps in. It's exhausting ping ponging back and forth.

My FYP matches that ping pong game. Sometimes I'm not even looking for ED related stuff and it hits me in the face. This might sound weird to some - EDs are very seductive. They can easily be called an addiction. My neuropathways are ready and raring to go down the highway to ED Land. Sometimes I can stop it along the way and sometimes I can't. Some of the posts feel comforting because I know I'm not alone. Some of the posts would be pretty alarming for most people with the imagery and text. I know it's not helpful to look at the pro ana and ED related posts. Just like I can be in awe with how big someone's tummy is, I can also be in awe of various pro ana content.

I know the actual problem is feeling like I don't deserve better. I punish myself for not meeting the high expectations I've collected over the years. Self compassion is still a foreign concept. Logically I understand why it's important to practice, it just seems wrong for some reason.

Again, Anon, I really appreciate you reaching out and voicing concern. It's helpful to hear the same positive and supportive messages from different areas of my life. And I'm sorry you're getting these recommendations. I didn't realize that would happen and now I remember I turned off the option to get recommendations. 😬 Just know I heard you. I'm sure you already know that change is slow, although I'll be more mindful of what I like on here.

Thanks 💙

[inflatingnblue]

Notes from the last night:

One itty bitty Elsa asked me my name. Her voice was so tiny and adorable. 🥰

One scary monster kid had to do a double take after looking at my face.

Kids don't know how to not stare. Again my makeup. 😂

If a kid asks for a handful, say no. Handful doesn't mean trying to grab the whole bucket of candy in one hand... 🙄 This still irks me. There were 3 kids and they were so rude. They almost made me drop the candy bowl with how forceful they stuck their hands in. *angry mumbling to myself*

Kids forgot to say trick or treat. 😂 I didn't make them say it.

Parents made sure their kids say thank you when they were present. A good number of kids said thank you when on their own.

There were lots of creative costumes and detailed makeup.

Kids had no idea who I was. 🤣

[inflatingnblue]

how’s that blueberry belly feeling by now, lovely round girl?

It's feeling heavy, but otherwise fine. It's big. 😂 I go into the office tomorrow and since my body takes a bit to release water weight, I already know I'll be puffy. Or as one person likes to say - juicy. 🤣🫐😈 Hopefully I can conceal this blueberry belly while at work! 😬😳

[inflatingnblue]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 2500 likes!

AND I reached 405 followers! 🥳

[inflatingnblue]

I've reached 399 followers. 🥳 It'll be a Halloween miracle! 😂👻

392 FOLLOWERS?! HOLY BLUEBERRIES, BATMAN!

It'd be awesome to reach 400 by Halloween! Showing off my Violet costume. 🫐😈

Thanks for coming along the ride!

[inflatingnblue]

392 FOLLOWERS?! HOLY BLUEBERRIES, BATMAN!

It'd be awesome to reach 400 by Halloween! Showing off my Violet costume. 🫐😈

Thanks for coming along the ride!

[inflatingnblue]

Add a lemonade to that tummy and we might have to roll you soon 😄

Oh no, haha. Feeling heavy and I don't think I could take another thing in. 😮‍💨🤣🫐😈

I feel like I could be rolled now. 😂

[inflatingnblue]

would u like to be so big just for one night that ur husband has to say something?

Kind of haha. It might break the ice some. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have no idea how he would bring it up. 😂

[inflatingnblue]

Favorite way to make that blueberry bigger?

Haha, I'm trying to figure out ways to make this blueberry bigger. I do bloating with liquids and I've done carbonated water with banana or mentos. I'm not a huge fan of regular soda. I've done a bit of air inflation (through the mouth lol).

I don't really have a favorite at the moment. Maybe I will after doing it more.

[inflatingnblue]

does your husband know about your kink at all?

He knows about my irrational fear of blowing up like a blueberry. 😅 We haven't talked about it in a long time though. I'm going to be Violet for Halloween and he was surprised when I showed him my costume. He made sure I was okay with it, especially since Violet and my ED can get a little twisted. I told him I want to have fun with it and he thought that was a good idea.

I'm hoping my costume will help bridge that gap... It's so hard to talk about! If anyone has advice I'd love to hear it!

[inflatingnblue]

I totally get being self-conscious about your body bc I am too lol, but I just wanted to say: you have a truly beautiful belly, and we’re grateful to see it whenever we can 😳

Yeah, body image issues aren't fun! I still feel weird sharing pics of my body. 😬😳

Thanks I appreciate that!

[inflatingnblue]

sure hope your hubby is there to rub that lovely round bloated belly! especially if it swells any bigger…

Yes, I'll make sure he gives it a good rub tonight. 🥰 I hope to make it nice and big. He never says anything how my tummy feels, maybe if it's massive he won't be able to not say anything. 😂