#I also deal with flashbacks so being able to include them is very meaningful for me

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

You wanna know what I just realized....You know how in chapters 1-4 MC/Yu kept asking Crowley to go home. But Once Chapter 5-7 they stopped asking to go home and gave up. Why? Did they just change their minds once they got friends or did they just give up on trying completely until Orthro put it back in their brain? Or Did they just gave up on asking adults period?

Oooh, interesting topic 🤔 I went back in each book to see when instances of Yuu asking about going home were brought up and (shockingly) this actually happens very little, maybe a few times max in the main story (not counting the prologue):

***Main story spoilers (INCLUDING book 7) below the cut!!***

In 1-19, Yuu does NOT ask Crowley; Crowley is the one who brings the topic up. He claims he is in the library to research a way to send Yuu home, and definitely is not reading the latest edition to a new novel before anyone else (which, come on, we all know Crowley is just giving a convenient excuse for himself). Crowley's presence here is then used to inform us of a way to dethrone Riddle via duel.

In 2-4, Yuu DOES ask Crowley when summoned to his office. Crowly then says he is busy preparing for an inter-dorm Magift/Spelldrive tournament, so he hasn't made any progress for Yuu. In 2-14, Yuu also wonders about when they will be able to go home while talking around the campus at night, but does not discuss it further with others.

In 3-6, Yuu does NOT ask Crowley; again, Crowley is the one to bring up the topic when trying to get Yuu to convince Azul to stop his shady dealings. He uses their rising food bills and all that "effort" he's putting into researching as a means to guilt trip Yuu into agreeing.

In 4-2, Yuu DOES ask Crowley if he's actually researching. This occurs because Crowley is all decked out for vacationing in a tropical destination, so Yuu of course questions whether he's doing any real work. Crowley defends himself by saying "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!" and that he's broadening his knowledge base by researching in a southern region.

After book 4, there are no new explicit or even implied scenes of Yuu asking Crowley anything about home. However, 5-33 does feature a flashback to the prologue in which Crowley is struggling to find Yuu's home on a map.

There isn't really a strong mention of Yuu going home in book 6, unless you want to count Yuu talking to Mickey through the mirror and wondering what's on the other side.

7-10 and 7-11 has Ortho to concluding that the mirror with Mickey could be a "connection" to Yuu's original world, and can thus serve as a route home.

Most discussion of Yuu going home is concentrated in the prologue (as it is an important piece of the set-up and explanation for Yuu's presence in Twisted Wonderland), as well as book 7, when the issue becomes very relevant again. There is the occasional instance of Crowley using "oh, there might be information here about a potential way home" as an excuse to rope Yuu into an event's story (ie Glorious Masquerade), but nothing meaningful ever comes from it. These are just contrivances to bring Yuu and Grim along for a more immersive self-insert experience.

If you want a boring answer as to why Yuu asks/seems to care so little about going home and stops completely by the start of book 5, I would wager it's the metacontext. Even in books 1 through 4, Yuu going home is mentioned like maybe once and then is dismissed for the rest of the book. You’ll also notice that in these instances where Yuu going home is mentioned, they are almost immediately then used as a springboard to propel the problem of the week onto them to resolve. Yuu going home isn’t a plot point for most of the main story, it’s a plot device to force Yuu into an OB boy’s path.

There is very little urgency granted to finding a way home because you, the player, WANTS to be in this magical world even if Yuu, the actual in-game character, may be uneasy being away from their friends, family, and home world. Yuu's unease is most likely not depicted or not frequently brought up because it would interfere with the player's enjoyment of the escapism to another world. These desires very obviously clash with one another. However, because the game itself is trying to tell you its story, it has to provide a reason (no matter how nonsensical it is) for there to be no progress made in the search (thus keeping Yuu in Twisted Wonderland), and that reason often happens to be Crowley's incompetence. This is not true of all iterations of Yuu (as the light novel has a strong focus on Yuuya’s anxieties about being in a new world), but it must be this way specifically for in-game Yuu since they are the most easy one for players to project into.

If you're looking for a meatier answer, consider this: book 5 is the turning point in the main story. Before book 5, Yuu seems to defer to Crowley for finding a way home. They don't really wonder or investigate into this area on their own. By the start of VDC/SDC training, it's mid to late winter, or about halfway through the year. Given that Yuu is incentivized by the promise of renovations to let the NRC Tribe boys use Ramshackle as their base of operations, I get the impression that maybe Yuu thinks they'll be stuck in Twisted Wonderland for longer than initially anticipated. Rather than an "I give up", it feels like a "boy, this is taking a while so might as well upgrade the accommodations and make myself as comfy as possible while I wait it out" This thought is helped by the fact that book 5 is also the first time when both Yuu and Crowley don't mention them going home, but also nothing disparaging or hopeless is referenced. As I've said before, we still get a flashback from Yuu which is centered on them going home, so it's clearly still a topic on their mind. It's just not consistently shown to us so as to not interfere with players self-inserting or to avoid making the gaming experience not fun by focusing on Yuu's distress or worries.

Many other significant things happen in book 5 which makes it the "turning point": Malleus reveals his true identity to Yuu, Grim finally going a little feral from the blot stones, and Yuu seeing and speaking with Mickey clearly. From there, Yuu starts thinking about the mirror and how it could lead into another world. They begin to take more agency in their own return, later confiding in their friends about Mickey and what he means for them.

Book 6 mostly glosses over Yuu going home because... well, let's be honest, there's a lot more immediately at stake with six students being kidnapped and experimented on. Yuu's focus and concern is on getting them (and especially Grim) back safely. They weren't thinking about themselves or their own situation back then, they were thinking of others.

Going home returns in book 7 because it has story significance once again. Yuu going back to their own world adds to the growing dread and sense of loneliness that our OB boy for the evening, Malleus, feels over Lilia's departure. It helps to push him closer to the brink of snapping. What's more, this contributes to the overall themes and questions that book 7 poses: those of farewells, change, and leaving friends behind. These are sentiments that Ace, Deuce, and Grim discuss in 7-17, and they parallel Malleus's own anxious thoughts. In all previous books, Yuu's own quest to get home is not closely tied to the themes of a particular book, or it simply was not relevant to mention (it would disrupt the ongoing conflict or pacing).

Finally, to more address each of the specific things asked by the asker (since I know the information in this post is sort of all over the place and might be hard to match up to each question):

[Yuu] stopped asking to go home and gave up. Why?

Yuu did not frequently ask about going home to begin with. (Again, likely because on a metatextual level, the story needs an excuse for Yuu, ie the player, being present in Twisted Wonderland and experiencing its happenings.)

At that point, it comes down to individual interpretation as to why, but personally I believe Yuu realized that the solution was more complicated than just poofing up a portal home, so they decided to make themselves comfortable while they waited for updates rather than keep asking only to be constantly disappointed. Later on, events going on around Yuu become too hectic for them to focus on their own wants.

Did [Yuu] just change their mind once they got friends?

Wouldn’t this imply that Yuu didn’t consider Adeuce and Grim “real” friends until the start of book 5??? I just don’t think that’s true; they were friends way before this point, not hanging out with each other for convenience’s sake. Why would they sit together at lunch every day? Why would Yuu try to help Ace make amends with Riddle? And why would Ace defend Yuu when Riddle insults their upbringing? Why would Yuu try to free the idiots of their anemones at the risk of going homeless themselves? Why would Adeuce use public transportation to go all the way from the Queendom of Roses to Sage’s Island because of a SOS text from Yuu? The same logic goes for the Ramshackle Ghosts, who are very friendly with Yuu and Grim. They play games with them, tell them about the school, and even do Yuu’s chores for them while they’re held hostage in Scarabia.

I also think gaining friends isn’t necessarily a strong enough reason for Yuu to renounce their old life and suddenly be committed to staying. Yes, it can be said that this could change depending on individual interpretation of Yuu—but assuming a very basic backstory, a regular person would not be so quick to forgo their old friends, family, etc. I don’t think new friendships are a significant motivator for Yuu no longer asking about home.

Or did they just give up on trying completely until Orthro put it back in their brain?

Yuu didn’t stop thinking about going home just because they stopped asking about it. Post book 4, they are shown to have flashbacks to earlier discussions of going home. Yuu hardly ever expresses thoughts about their original world or wanting to go back (most likely to not break the self-insert immersion of their character), so it’s easy to perceive this as “Yuu gave up completely/Yuu forgot about it until book 7”.

Or did they just gave up on asking adults period?

I believe Crowley is the only adult Yuu really asks about finding a way back. I doubt Yuu actually thinks all adults are as useless in this endeavor as Crowley is, but we aren’t ever shown Yuu communicating in this manner to other adults. Crowley is the only “required” adult to interact with on account of being the headmaster typically forcing you into the plot anyway. In conclusion (I know I keep bringing this point up, but it’s because I truly believe in it), this is all probably done for convenience and/or to allow the player to fantasize and imagine themselves or their own Yuusonas navigating these circumstances. They don't want to constantly keep the story gloomy by having Yuu angst about how they miss home or how badly they want to go back. They want you, the player, to enjoy the world and the people of Twisted Wonderland and never want to leave, even if it may be contradictory to what Yuu themselves fails to express in the narrative. This is 100% intentional, and it's made clear because it ties in very deeply with the themes in book 7, which is when the idea of Yuu going home becomes extremely relevant again. Book 7 creates an analogy between a digital pet that Malleus owns and how sad he is that its lifespan has to end, that the digital pet is just "fiction designed to amuse". This is also true of what Twisted Wonderland (the game) is. The player is in the same circumstances as Malleus, who is too attached to his fiction and doesn't want to let it go.

As much as the game's structure encourages self-inserting, it cannot be denied that, ultimately, the perspective of the player ≠ the perspective of Yuu. The player does not actually have to worry about never returning home or being stuck in a foreign world, at the mercy of strangers (which, if not for entertainment purposes, would be something truly terrifying to deal with). The player is glimpsing into this other world for fun and can step away whenever they want. Yuu can't.

askhdvasoydvuealalf I know this was a lot, but I hope it made sense and properly communicated my thoughts ^^

[sincelastsession]

When I try to speak to my father he is automatically defensive.

He has little tolerance for me if I don't speak or act how he wants and if I can't do it he shoves me away and cuts communication.

He doesn't understand these things are things I have never been able to control and are not my fault.

How I hear my tone versus how others do via me hearing myself recorded is drastically different.

He has the same issue and when I politely ask if he is angry etc his tone changes, he gets FURIOUS. He wants me to never bring it up again and he expects me to listen to an angry tone that he says he can't change but I've seen him do it. I feel that he's full of shit about that but I am trying to be polite and give benefit of doubt.

He thinks I'm playing games. I don't understand what this means nor have I ever understood wtf this means.

Playing a game to me actually means playing a game like kids play board games video games etc...

It really hurts to just have to ask if my dad could please lower his voice or at least change tone. He's capable of that while I'm not currently able to switch up my tones consciously unless I practice or really concentrate and ask for feedback.

He doesn't understand why im apprehensive to talk to him or be around him or even go over to the house.

It actually hurts being back in contact.

I have never gotten a meaningful apology. I've explained this. Unless he's incapable due to unresolved issues himself.

Verbal apologies mean less to me though I'd still like to hear them because people hurt me apologize act kind then hurt me again. It's a cycle. I'm apprehensive to be back in touch with him till I see an actual change.

He threw a tantrum at me because I tried to clarify his mood and then changed his tone to angrier and defensive because I brought up his speaking.

I think it's wild how he gets to treat me like shit about that but if I voice my frustrations with his micromanagement of everything about me including tone or how I speak even mocking me which has been happening since I was a small child then he has a shitfit.

This is not ok.

If he wants a relationship with me then he needs to understand me and have patience and tolerance with how I am.

I try my hardest with him but he has hurt me so greatly it is hard. He is very much part of this PTSD flare and my trauma and flashbacks on the daily.

Too much input and expecting me to remember verbal instruction when I've requested it be texted or emailed is distressing.

I am a visual spatial learner. I told him this many years ago when I was told I was.

Him yelling at me to listen or him yelling at me at all when I have a poor attention span and memory issues due to a number of things is distressing.

My mother is also very distressing to me. Currently she is involved in yet another scam. She seems to have alternate personalities or it's her insulin dependent diabetes. She is also very good at playing dumb.

Mom and dad are both manipulative liars who put on for my therapists.

I have always been the family scapegoat. My sister is more lost child golden child. They have taught her throughout the years that it's fine to abuse me.

Everyone talks about respecting boundaries however no one talks about how respecting my boundaries doesn't seem to apply to them.

I'm wearing my heavy 31db noise blockers today. My head hurts. I haven't done anything but lay in bed and I took my anxiety medicine. I still have a great deal of anxiety and feel frozen up.

I still feel misunderstood.

I don't expect people to understand everything. I just expect an understanding that I have problems that aren't within my circle of control and that it's distressing and I need the same patience and love that they'd give someone without these problems if they were having a hard time.

The amount of resentment that is thrown at me that you do not see is ridiculous.

I haven't really been able to speak since talking to my dad earlier.

I have gone nonverbal again. I wanted to call people and do things. I feel small, unimportant, rejected, and hopeless.

My heart hurts.

I don't want to be like this. I see many people I want to be like but I don't know how. I don't feel a sense of self or identity and I don't understand how various things work. It's frustrating because yes I would like a doctor to evaluate me for autism so I can be sure that's the case. I understand self diagnosis is now valid. I've always had these issues and it's been mistaken for many things including narccistic, bpd, bipolar, etc. My current diagnosis I feel are correct and I don't try to fit them and act more like them. I think people misunderstand that I'm trying to explain instead of making excuses which is often what people try to clock me about when it's just not the case.

I do feel I have a dissociative disorder of some sort.

I do feel that a gentle confidence building approach and things along that line are probably best for now. Tough love often triggers RSD in me and it hurts and I want to get away from it.

I'm trying to explain myself and express myself the best ways I can.

I don't want to be misunderstood by a therapist again. This has led to many bad things happening to me as a result. It is hard to trust. I don't give trust put easily. Just because HIPPA exists and I know I can speak about things easily doesn't mean there's enough established trust or bond. Certain things are starting to remind me if past therapists that had it all wrong and that scares me. I don't want to take a break or quit therapy. It took me a very long time to find you and research and try and trust that you may be advanced enough to work with me as most people give up. I'm very tired of people getting tired of me and giving up. I feel like I'm profoundly broken and the ocean of issues and traumas etc is very very deep and dark.

It's frustrating having to go over things and start new. It does take me quite a while to settle in despite my ability to share about issues.

Often times my logic is there but it's waiting on emotions to catch up or logic and emotions are battling it out.

If you were to look at my physical health history we can factor in how these things affect the brain and contribute to distress. If we look at family history and "inherited trauma" there's a reason I chose to end the family line other than my own and medical reasons when it came to having my tubes tied and a uterine ablation. I wouldn't wish my mental or physical health nor my family on a child. The risk factor was too much. I couldn't trust my parents to be safe to leave a child with because they couldn't protect or parent me. They get grandcats.

The amount of physical pain I'm in today makes me sad.

I do feel a bit depressed right now.

I am choking back tears.

I do wish I could take medication that did work for me till I had actual allergic reactions to it. That has to be my all time most disappointing thing when I was searching for medications that helped. My Geneticist Meredith Allen thinks I have genetic mutations that are cause of my inability to tolerate many medications. Dr. Todd before he passed agreed with this as he saw me for a very long time and quite literally studied me because my case was much much different than the others he saw.

I hope it's figured out one day.

When I have bouts of depression I don't get a magic med. I have to rawdog it. I have to be strong. If I get a bath in or make my bed it is a victory.

I'm pissed about feeling this way because I'm aware it will be even more difficult to get what I need to do done.

I wish I was seen as not compared to other patients and things of that nature. I wish I was seen as a unique case and I do not mean special or anything. I am a unique case. I am pretty complicated. I am very determined to be understood enough so that there's no assumptions. I don't expect perfection or for someone to know me in every way.

It's hard to articulate what I mean.

I'm doing the best I can in showing you who I am so you can do your job and adjust the treatment plan if need be.

I know I have control issues due to the things I've gone through fear trust and trauma.

You may need to look at it from different povs and work on clarifying if these things are correct. But that's just a suggestion.

I'm not normally sounding bossy like this nor am I trying to be. I'm just trying to teach people about me so there's no hurdles and nothing in the way that takes up unessesary time out of sessions. If I could do twice a week right now I would. If I could show you my life better I would. It does take a certain level of understanding to get me.

I still think it'd be a good idea to put a mirror or a safety mirror up across from where you sit so you can be aware of how you come across.

Maybe I should get a hand mirror for myself to look at when I'm in therapy and maybe replying to the hand mirror you can see what I'm seeing.

I don't mean disrespect by this. It's just an idea.

I would like to work with core and perhaps sit at a table and draw while we have sessions. I don't always feel comfortable and it's easy to have the unphased part answer while the other part draws.

I do want to do any testing you desire to do or that is available that may assist my treatment.

My first form if therapy was drawing while I was asked questions.

I do prefer art therapy techniques and sand play techniques despite my distaste for touching sand. Things like that.

I'm functioning on various levels well but on others not so much.

I would like to know what my strengths and weaknesses are.

I do know my distress tolerance is absolutely shit right now. This is partly why I'm throwing all this out there.

I do wish I wasn't in so much physical pain or could just get a ride to the session stoned.

I wonder what would be easier to talk about if my inhibitions and guard were dropped. Maybe at some point we can try that. I don't know if it's ethical to treat while I'm on an herbal medication but it'd be interesting to see.

I would like to hear from parts of myself or whatever you'd call it. I would like to draw a map of what that's looking like.

I'm apprehensive about dissociative issues because I'm very scared to know how bad it actually is and let the others (parts of me) do their job. I don't want anyone to know really. I don't want to be seen or treated as crazy. We live in the south and an overall intolerant society of anything that goes against the norm.

I hope you understood what I'm talking about with everything I've written and the videos and info graphics. I'll try to slow down so you can catch up.

Honestly I keep meaning to do that then feel the compulsory need to say more. It's pretty painful to stop and it's not just an excuse.

I'd like to start adding pictures that express how I feel to this journal aside from infographics.

Anyway. I'm going to try and have a calm evening. Maybe I'll go play a Sims game and decompress for a few hours.

I wish I could get paid to just sit and play the game. I see other people doing this with a following that make a passive income.

I'm still thinking about SW type jobs. I have a lot of shame and guilt with sexuality. I don't want my traumas and unesesary guilt and shame to hold me back but I do have catholic religious trauma and then bad things that happened that scare me about lowering inhibitions and just going for it.

I think the adhd unmedicated is not really helping me accomplish anything. I can think of things to do all day but acting on it is like trying to pull a beached whale into the sea by yourself.

My dopamine levels probably need to be checked and all that but my doctors think I'm ridiculous asking about this.

I don't think I'm getting good care from my doctors and I see the way other patients are treated vs me and it's disheartening.

Dr Todd always said it was because they were insecure and threatened by me because I knew what took them years in school to understand.

But it's funny because I don't understand much easier things most people do. So they really shouldn't be scared of me. It's not like I'm taking thier job it's more like I speak the language.

And idk what the next special interest will be. For the longest it's been medical and while that does peak my interest it is becoming less interesting overall.

I wish I could get back into art but I have no muse and people don't understand my process. They think I can just produce like an assembly line.

The secret is I need a muse. Then I must be struck with the mood to create. Then I zone completely out and I'm back to reality and there's a painting I may or may not remember doing.

I miss ambien. I used to take it to help me sleep and it was great. But sometimes I'd fight sleep and have ambien adventures doing all sorts of odd things that were harmless. I was aware but didn't give a single fuck and everything felt like it should. I was taken off of it due to heart issues and told right before Dr. Todd got sick and passed that I could be back on it. My current psychiatrist is scared to give me anything because he's scared of the medical board. It's hard to get treated with what works and helps me function and had me functioning before because of that.

It makes me very tempted to try actual psychedelics. I do wonder if a mushroom trip would help any. I have plenty of friends that do and benefit from microdoses. I just don't know how I'd react. I wish I'd done that when I was younger. My sister has done alllll sorts of things. But she's not sought help for problems it doesn't alleviate.

She's still not contacted me or apologized. I have no bruising proof. I consider the time I have and if I should press charges so I can get the justice I deserve. I wouldn't want her in jail but she does deserve a punishment for what she did. My parents didn't really say anything to her about it afaik. They want me to blow it off and sweep it under the rug. If it had been me attacking her I'd be in a psych hospital or they'd definitely take everything from me.

Weaponizing financial care that I do currently need is very distressing. Telling me they'll take everything away is very distressing. Telling me that they'll call the coroner after attacking me and saying that they'll lie to the coroner to have me put away is so wrong. Just so He can get away with hurting me.

I don't understand why im so hated and why people say kind things about me but don't really want to be my friend unless there's something in it for them to use me for.

Travis is probably the only friend right now that doesn't use me. The thing is I don't fully trust him. He's an ex addict. My best friend was then she got sober then she relapsed and died. I have no hate in my heart for people suffering from addiction but holy shit the amount of bullshit they pull is astounding but I can spot it.

Travis knows I can spot the bullshit so he generally doesn't try me. It doesn't mean he won't though one day. That's why I don't even trust him fully.

I don't trust anyone fully really.

Here's Griffin being a cute little cryptid ESA.

I'm going to go decompress now and try to get rest. I'm still very overstimulated and overwhelmed and hypervigiliant.

[shibaraki]

there is something so heartfelt and beautiful in the way you write romance. i love every scrap you publish but my favourites are your aizawa fics. maybe it's the way you write about loving someone with a disability (visible or invisible) or the depth and understanding you give him specifically but it hits me just right every time.

you write like a tuning fork; true and bright and in a way that makes me correct my wrong notes to match your tone. simply chef's kiss.

whew. I’ve been staring at this for a while looking for the words, because honestly thank you doesn’t feel like enough!! aizawa is such a special character to me. I’ve got quite a few things in my drafts surrounding his prosthetics that I’m still editing, even the short one I posted a while back took longer than expected because I got caught up reading peoples experiences with leg amputation aldjslkf I have a great deal of love for him and want to make sure I get it right. It makes me happy to know that intent shines through!!! fingers crossed I can get to him again soon.

a few people have said I’m a big romantic, finding love and meaning in the little things is what keeps me sane and that seems to translate very clearly into my writing lol. I know it’s “only fanfic” but through fic I’ve been able to untangle a great deal about myself so I’m beyond grateful that you’ve enjoyed them. like a tuning fork — that’s such a wonderful description of it, thank you so much ;;;;

[bookofmirth]

my strongest point for elucien, and the reason I am so confident in them being endgame is simply because I do not believe that sjm would allow for a couple to begin to fall in love off the page ( which would be the case for azriel and elain ). sjm is so brilliant at writing those initial moments - the initial attraction, the almost meaningless moments which turn into something bigger, the soft moments, the first meaningful conversation - all these factors which wouldn’t be included in that novel

having already happened. Nah I just can’t see it. sjm is brilliant, but she is kinda crap at developing her side characters separate storylines outside of what they add to the main plot. she has to deal with each character in succession - first nestas story of love and healing, then elains story of love and healing - she doesn’t interweave these stories together in the slightest and it is very obvious that if anything, she only builds up even more angst and drama in preparation for their own book

she would not include the clear beginning of a major love story in another characters novel, especially for a character who had their own book coming.I think it’s a little ridiculous when people discuss how elucien would be the ‘easy, safe option’ when there is quite clearly so much tension and angst and conflicting emotions ( longing, but also bitterness and anger, both have lost their loves, and perhaps there is still resentment about luciens part in her turning ) so complex, so much potential

Yeah, I am confident for a lot of reasons. This is one. Why have the first two years of a couple’s interactions basically hidden from us? And with Az, it would have been hidden. It may have happened off the page but why would sjm do that if they were going to be a major ship? And sjm doesn’t really do the flashback thing or mess with time. She tells stories in a very linear, chronological way. She will reference the past, but rarely ever takes us back in a meaningful way (like the war thing at the beginning of acowar, what even was the point). If Elain had feelings for Az, we would know already because she would have made a statement saying as much. But then it would have been far less effective or impactful because we wouldn’t have been able to see that process.

(oh god someone pls tell people that 95% of the evidence I’ve seen for those two having feelings for one another is simply politeness, the bar is so gd depressingly low 😅)

Related to the way that she writes ships, I know I keep saying this and maybe it’s a simplistic thing but - they are mates!!!! Like!!!! LOL. She has hyped up the mate thing, every ship finding out they are mates is a big deal and none of them handle it well. Feyre freaked out, Nesta freaked out. They were all given the chance to get to know one another and to decide if they, as individuals, wanted to be together. It’s a trope, and it’s a nice one. It’s super satisfying when it happens and I can’t wait. I don’t think she would.... end her series by having someone get their heart broken?

Also lolllll I have literally been meaning to post about how her side characters, or basically any character who isn’t present on the page at a certain time, basically doesn’t exist. They remind me of actors who go offstage when they aren’t supposed to be in a scene, only in this case the actors literally just disappear and have no development, no feelings, nothing happens to them. Not until sjm is ready for them to come back and be useful again. And for some reason this is an acotar thing? I didn’t get this at all from ToG. 

There is nothing easy or convenient or safe about elucien when they were thrown together in the *worst* possible circumstances and have to deal with a lot of mistrust and wariness towards one another, while also dealing with major changes in their own lives. I know that we always talk about Lucien and Jessminda, but? He’s also coming off a really destructive friendship? Lucien and Tamlin still talk but that was a major relationship in his life and it’s really gone to shit. His family sucks. LUCIEN HAS SUFFERED ENOUGH. 

They have both gone through so much trauma but you know what makes them matched? They way they have dealt with it. They don’t cause others harm, they don’t despair, they don’t self-destruct. They persist. They are optimistic. They give second, and third, and fourth chances to the people they love. And eventually I would love to see them do that together. Personally, I am zero percent interested in a ship in which people handle problems differently, causing one person to carry a far larger emotional burden than they should be responsible for (story of my life but anyway). nessian is an example of a ship who handles issues differently, but they are aware of that and will give one another space or support when they need it. elucien will be 1000% support because I don’t see them needing space in the way Nesta does. I DIGRESS.

I think it’s super interesting that we know ahead of time they are mates. It would make them question every feeling they have, like is this me or is this the Cauldron? And having to test that devotion, to see if they can still sustain their feelings and choose one another over and over again. I can see them coming up with a refrain that demonstrates how much they love one another, despite the Cauldron. That’s some good shit 💯 

[lizacstuff]

Thoughts on the 2nd fragman? I so badly want to stay positive but having a tough time not giving up on the writing off the show. Like why did the writers decide to take the tactic of having Serkan put all his effort into getting Eda to admit her engagement is fake? He literally could have done so many other things like tell her that he is having flashbacks of her but does not understand them or that he needs some time to sort through his feelings or just have him break off his engagement with Selin. And like what happens if she admits her true feelings at this point? Fingers crossed that the fragman is just misleading and that the Edser scenes are long & meaningful. Also, hoping that Ceran’s scene with Serkan is longer than what we saw in the fragman because the way she described the fake engagement & Eda is awful. And then she does not even tell Eda...Ceren is canceled. Cannot help being hopeful that we will see real progress in the form of both engagements being broken off but at the same time tired of the disappointment lol.

Oh I hear you. There was a lot of good in these fragmans, but taken as a preview for the plot/story they’re not all that... reassuring. It does feel like the same gear we’ve been grinding for several episodes now. 

However, I’ll say this as much for me, as for you. We can’t judge anything from the fragmans. They never give a full picture, and especially these two, I don’t feel like they gave anything away. 

Watching both of them it feels like there has to be a huge piece missing. I realize after the utter failure of the last ep to move anything forward, I’m taking a big leap here, but it feels like something has to give and it may just give in this coming episode. 

So let’s look at the good we can glean from the fragmans:

Selin and Deniz are in panic mode, they know someone is on to them, hopefully it’s Serkan and/or Eda who are on to them, or, if not, this knowledge causes them to get sloppy and make mistakes.

Serkan is finally ready and willing to outwardly show his interest in Eda... to Eda and to Engin. Even if he’s trying to get her to admit it first, this is a huge step forward for him from where he was. 

Thanks to Ceren, (though I agree the way she framed it was super bitchy) Serkan now knows her relationship with Deniz is fake, so even if he’s a putz trying to get her to admit it, this will give him hope that she never gave up on him. I think he needs that because it’s been upsetting him for 2 episodes now that she remembers him and could so easily give up on him and abandon him (like so many others have done in his life). 

We now know that information gave him the desire to kiss her in the restaurant. Whether he does kiss her or it’s his fantasy, he is now cognizant of what he wants. Her. 

Serkan and Eda have the long awaited boxing scene and they look hot as fire in the ring together. Bring it on. 

Eda looks to be beating the sh-t out of Serkan which will give many of us great vicarious joy and hopefully a laugh or two.

While at the gym, Serkan seems to be asking questions in a sincere, not snarky, way and they appear to be having a heart to heart conversation.

Melo continues to be in the running for best friend of the year.

Eda looks absolutely heartbroken in the fragman. This is good because things are always darkest before the dawn. Hopefully, this is her dark moment, and there will be some light by the end of the episode.

The visual of Hande and Kerem Eda and Serkan on the runway will sustain many of us for quite some time. DAMN, THEY LOOK GOOD. 

Some way, some how, Eda Yildiz was able to get Serkan “robot” Bolat to walk with her up there, which means she’s still got it when it comes to him not being able to say no to her. 

The whole cast, including Selin and Deniz, are going to see them up there, walking together, being the super power couple they are. The press will see it too. 

They hug. And she looks very happy when she hugs him.

They transformed that warehouse into a giant party and fashion show, the whole ArtLife cast was there, they hired a bunch of models and extras... so that event is not just some excuse for the leads to get dressed up and look pretty in a montage, whatever happens there must be a big deal and important to the plot. 

The ending is clearly not in either fragman, so there are surprises left with this episode.

So while I also had a lackluster reaction to the fragmans, I think there are some really solid reasons to hold onto hope that this episode will deliver more than we think it will. 

[thanksjro]

Last Stand of the Wreckers, Issue #4: This Series is Awash With Lippy Sons of Guns

Issue #4 starts off with an uncomfortably handsome Prowl. I mean honestly, look at this asshole, he’s simply too pretty.

I don’t think Roche has ever drawn the guy ugly, but this is on another level.

We’re in a flashback sequence here, as we start to gain an understanding of just why exactly Ironfist got put on the Wreckers in the first place. Back when he was working at Kimia, Ironfist got a call from Prowl. Seems Prowl’s read his work, and is impressed by the sheer amount of effort he’s put into it. They chat a bit about it, but no call with Prowl is ever casual, and he asks Ironfist if he’s ever been interested in actually being a Wrecker. Which, of course he has, but he’d never exactly been cut out for that kind of work, especially after his Accident™. Prowl has a little push in that area, because he’s Prowl, and makes a deal; Ironfist joins the Wreckers as a weapon expert, and in exchange he does something for Prowl.

We won’t find out what exactly Ironfist’s agreed to do until later, as we jump back to the present, where the Guzzle and Kup are about to lay the smackdown on some unsuspecting Decepticons.

With how many cameras are currently trained on you guys, I can’t say you really have the time for wisecracks, old-timer.

That big vault door behind them leads to the cell of one of the most notorious Autobots ever to grace the galaxy- Grimlock. This is the “help” Springer requested they find, meaning that he’s a sort of last resort, which tells you just how much of a powerhouse the guy is. Volatile, sure, but a powerhouse regardless.

Too bad the cell’s empty.

Snare steps in to explain just why that is, having snuck up on our Big Gulp duo.

Well I’m sure that won’t be a plot point later on.

Of course, Guzzle doesn’t really feel inclined to believe a word of what this Getaway kitbash says, and starts threatening to shoot him. Snare however, has even more secrets to tell.

Perceptor and pals have finally discovered just what the hell it is that they’ve been looking for all this time. Aequitas is a supercomputer, and a massive one at that. They’re here to download its memory files. Topspin is less than pleased with this whole thing.

Ironfist agrees- there’s no way they’re going to be able to get all the data in Aequitas downloaded before the Decepticons get through to them and tear them to pieces. Verity, however, is more concerned about the size of the computer itself.

A large part of Aequitas is made up of something called a culpability drive, which breaks down factors like motivation and accountability into a streamlined equation so it can do something completely ridiculous: calculate guilt. Yes, someone had the bright idea to break down guilt into a binary system, without any “human” element involved. Because that couldn’t possibly backfire.

Then the narrative catches up to Topspin, and Ironfist and Verity get put on babysitting duty while he deals with his phantom pain. Pyro’s made to help Perceptor with booting up the computer.

Over with Springer, he and Impactor have a little heart-to-heart, while Twin Twist is passed out with a shadow over his face, probably waiting for the horrific reveal of what the dentist’s done to him. Springer feels really bad about Impactor having been sent to Garrus-9; he’d figured that after the trial, Impactor had been sent to rehab, or at least a prison that wasn’t quite as torturey.

Impactor points out that Springer’s testimony at Aequitas was pretty damning, and I’m starting to wonder why Springer didn’t see this coming. Unless they somehow managed to move that massive friggin’ supercomputer in the last few years, Impactor’s trial happened on Garrus-9. Kind of seems like a foregone conclusion that anyone who got put through the Aequitas wringer would end up staying if found guilty.

Impactor still doesn’t think that what he did was wrong, and the only reason they stop verbally duking it out is because Twin Twist does his dramatic face reveal and the dentist comes back in to finish off those fillings.

Funny, they had a similar setup at my old orthodontist’s.

As the dentist prepares to turn what’s left of Twin Twist’s face into the “Lust” scene from Se7en, we get back to the real point of this whole miniseries: fanwanking. Ironfist is telling Verity about the Decepticon’s answer to the Wreckers- Squadron X.

This group is made up entirely of characters who only existed in the Marvel UK comics, and even then only barely. This is convenient on multiple levels; it allows the Wreckers to have an antithesis to their own group that won’t disrupt any of the ongoing storylines outside of Last Stand of the Wreckers. Nobody’s really vying to use the guy who beat up a piano and then got thrown out of a bar, now are they?

It also allows you to use an already-established character that still has plenty of wiggle room for story application. No point in trying to make a new set of characters when we’ve got a bin full of nobodies off in the corner. Especially when we’re only going to have these guys around for a few minutes.

But we’ll get to that later.

Back to Ironfist’s story…

Oh hey Whirl.

Springer’s in a bit of a pickle- his lower half is trapped under a busted barricade, and Squadron X is closing in. Impactor has no intention of leaving Springer behind, so it’s time to get crazy. Springer tells Impactor to blast a hole through his TORSO so he can surprise-attack the approaching enemy. Impactor does so, reluctantly.

Please note that the emphasis is not mine, but the narrative’s.

That’s just a cool panel.

Once all that’s over and done with, Squadron X are all put into inhibitor harnesses to keep them from trying anything funny while in custody. But oh ho, what’s this? They’ve escaped! And they’ve ripped Sandstorm’s arm off! Surely, this must be dealt with, and who better suited for the job than the dude who’s been obsessed with taking these guys out for years now? Impactor gets to work.

And thus the day is saved, thanks to the Wreckers! Yaaay!

With Ironfist’s story concluded, Perceptor takes the time to mention that they’ve got a problem. Turns out Aequitas has some state-of-the-art security measures going on- in order to even turn the thing on, someone’s got to feed the thing their spark. You know, a robot soul. This thing runs on souls, and the donator has to be a willing participant otherwise it won’t work.

Well that’s awful convenient for you, now ain’t it, Percy?

I’m assuming they just never turned the thing off during the trials, otherwise they would have run out of juice very quickly.

So it’s slim pickings in terms of sparks. Perceptor’s playing IT, Topspin’s whole spark situation is a consent minefield, and Verity’s soul is the normal, human, intangible kind. And now we get to the part of our story that’s a little sad.

Pyro and Ironfist aren’t popular. They’ve never been in the spotlight. They aren’t important. They were brought on the Wreckers to die, plain and simple, because it’s a game of numbers, and their numbers are miles below the likes of Springer and Kup.

Pyro isn’t on-board with this at all, saying that this isn’t how it’s supposed to go down for him.

Say what you will about his delusions of grandeur, but this is a guy who knows what he wants.

While Pyro’s dreaming big, Topspin’s having a really bad time in the background. That vicarious perception’s hitting real hard right now.

Ironfist plays the child in a bitter divorce between Pyro and Verity as they argue over who the hell should die so the plot can keep moving. Ironfist has a lot to say, a lot that he really should say, but he doesn’t. He’s not proud of himself, or the things he’s done as a weapons’ expert. After reflecting on his life- a life that hasn’t been profoundly wondrous or meaningful- he concedes to being the one to die.

But that doesn’t happen, because Topspin takes matters into his own hands and puts the goddamn dog to sleep. The dog in this case being himself and Twin Twist. Aequitas thanks him for his donation, sucks out his spark, and over in the torture chamber Twin Twist explodes.

With the twins(?) dead, Aequitas is online, and not a moment too soon, because those Decepticons are starting to bring the door down. Perceptor hands a headphone jack to Ironfist, tells him to plug it into his brain, and to get ready for the hurt, because they’re about to download the entirety of this supercomputer into his head.

Back with Impactor, he’s about to get his cornea scratched, when Guzzle and Kup come to save the day, following Snare’s guidance.

I just want to say, Guzzle wins the Worst Crotch award. It’s simply awful.

So Kup and Guzzle free Springer and Impactor, just in time for Springer to revenge-stab the dentist with the torture stick. Too bad he’s already shot Snare.

Play… makes you free... in the prison that’s been turned into basically a death camp. Is… are we really doing the Holocaust parallels again? God, I hope I’m reading too much into that, I really do.

We finally find out what the prize for winning the Pit fights is: you can either fight Overlord, or kill yourself. Not much of a prize, if you ask me.

Speaking of the Blue Terror, he’s on his way over. Snare asks that Impactor just kill him, because there’s no way he’s going to risk being found out by Overlord that he was being sneaky. Impactor obliges, crushing his brain module between his fingers.

Then Overlord quite literally explodes into the room.

Back over in the Aequitas chamber, Ironfist’s just finished with his upload, and he’s shaken by what he now knows. The Decepticons have nearly broken down the door at this point, and there’s only one way to save themselves- they have to detonate the prisoners’ deterrence chips. This, of course, includes Impactor. Perceptor’s all for it, but Pyro’s wholly against the idea. Verity tries to put in her vote, but humans don’t have rights in the eyes of Wrecker law, so it all comes down to Ironfist.

You heard the man, let’s kill the purple guy.

[bscully]

do you think we’ll ever get another love scene between Guys and Casca? I hope they’re able to reconcile and heal from their trauma together. It seems like from the current episode that casca isn’t consciously deciding to react like that to Guts (she very well may feel guilty for her ptsd, though she has nothing to apologize for as she is 100% the victim). more like a subconscious reaction due to deep seated trauma. Feel so bad for both of them.:(

Hello and thanks for the ask!It really really depends. Whether they end up like this again depends on the many many factors.Here’s a couple.👍 = factors that already exist and work in favor of Guts and Casca👎= factors that already exist and work against Guts and Casca👏= factors that are neutral or still yet to be decided

👍 Guts has matured a lot. He is more grateful, patient and understanding than ever before. The newest chapter confirms this, given he had zero expectations from the begin with. For me this is a large green flag. 👍The fact Guts has been through the same thing as Casca and is also further into the healing process than her may help her immensely on her recovery. 👍 This ^ will also help him create the necessary understanding to cope with her unable to see him because of her PTSD.

👍 The first thing Casca did in her new combat attire is to thank everyone for keeping her safe. She started how Guts has changed by accepting Isidro as his apprentice, and then her flashback got in the way of thanking him as well (or so I’d like to think). I have no doubt she does see and appreciates what Guts has done for her.

👍 It is generally not impossible for people that are victims of sexual violence to experience intimacy (sex included).

👍 Farnese is already trying to bring them back together and started doing something that I think will resemble Prolonged Exposure Therapy - a way to cure PTSD.

—-

👏 Casca will repeatedly have to decide to BE TOGETHER WITH GUTS in a similar fashion like Guts repeatedly had to decide whether to avenge or save Casca throughout the manga. So far she has decided in his favor twice already (ep. 355, where she woke up wishing to see him, and ep 359 where Farny goes over to fetch her, too) but whether she will continue to do so is to be questioned.👏 Guts has to understand and learn how to deal with Casca’s PTSD in practice: Not only how to deal with her in general, but also with her intimately/romantically/sexually. This could turn out to be a real challenge to him.

👏Casca (or someone else) will have to communicate to him that she does not mean to hurt him with her involuntary reactions. If Guts knows this, it would greatlyhelp him cope.

—-

👎Guts too will be faced with a lot of hurt and pain. There is a lot of unpack for him as well and it’s going to put him (and his coping mechanisms - will he revert back to his old destructive self?) to the test. 👎 It is likely that Guts is going to have to deal with Casca’s frustration as her memories come back to her as well.👎 It will take a lot of time for Casca to be able to look at Guts without getting triggered severely. Only when that happens, they can truly talk things out and find comfort or resolve - unless they find another solution for this (e.g. talking between two walls but hearing distance, Schierke’s telepathy…)

👎 Casca may feel absolutely horrible for being unable around Guts despite of fully knowing how much he has been through for her. She may want to thank him, but cannot. This works both ways too, by the way: he may want to apologize for leaving her so many times and always bringing her pain, but cannot.

—

TL;DRIn my perspective, the chances that someday, we will get meaningful and nurturing Guts x Casca interactions (of mostly platonic nature) are high. I can see some romantic tension happening, if their relationship becomes stable enough. That also has an acceptable chance to happen.

Whether they will make love is much much less likely, but still lays in the realm of possibility.

[attackfish]

Avatar the Last Airbender, Humor, and Sympathy: Who is it Safe to Laugh at?

A while back I made a vid about Book One Zuko set to Uptown Funk, and as it turns out that vid, and the close attention to the visual language of Zuko in Book One it required is something of a meta mine for me, and led to a greater appreciation for the show's use of dramatic irony: [Link]. That vid got its start as a lighthearted exploration of Book One Zuko as a figure of comedy, but I realized very quickly that I was not going to be able to make the vid about the entirety of Book One, at least not if I wanted it to be purely comedy. Zuko's suffering in book one is funny, right up until it suddenly isn't funny at all. This is not about how we as an audience grow to appreciate Zuko as a character. After all, I came to this vid having watched Avatar: the Last Airbender many times, and already very attached to Zuko to put it mildly. This is about how Zuko's suffering is framed, and how the show switches from playing it for laughs to playing it for pathos: [Link].

This is a common thread throughout the show with many many different characters. What initially is played for laughs about a character is later revealed to have tragic roots. Humor in the Avatar world often has a sting in its tail. This holds true for most of the Gaang: [Link] and for Iroh, but it's at its most obvious, and its most unsettling, with the teenage Fire Nation characters, Azula, Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee.

Of the four characters mentioned above three have a redemption arc that doubles as a recovery arc, and the one who doesn't has a complete breakdown. All four are victims of abuse. Abuse is a big theme in Avatar: the Last Airbender. and the use of humor to first allow us to laugh at characters' idiosyncrasies before revealing them to be the result of the abuse they suffered ties directly into the shows themes.

And this relationship between humor for the audience and the characters' pain is systematic and consistent. First we get hints of a character's trauma accompanied by scenes of their quirks played for humor, and then, as they approach the culmination (or in Zuko's case a culmination) of their story, their quirks and their trauma are tied together, and suddenly they aren't played for laughs anymore. This pattern reaches its most elaborate and extended variation in Zuko's Book One portrayal. He is introduced to us yelling at his uncle that the avatar has returned and he must capture him, and the desperation pours off him in waves. We are given hints throughout the first half of Book One that Zuko is trying to impress an unloving father and end a humiliating exile, until Chapter Twelve, "The Storm", where Iroh tells Zuko's crew, who are sick of dealing with his mistreatment of them, the story of Zuko's branding and banishment. Until this point, Zuko has been tossed into the snow, had his eye poked until he falls into the water, landed backside up in the snow with his helmet on top of said royal backside, and made a fool of himself in his anger and impulsiveness time and time again. Much of the levity in Book One comes from Zuko playing Yosemite Sam to Aang's cheerful Bugs Bunny, or Sokka's Daffy Duck.

The Looney Toons style humor at Zuko's expense does not disappear at this moment, and Zuko's reckless drive leading to repeated pratfalling isn't tied explicitly to his pain until the Book One finale. There is one last good solid laugh-at-Zuko-being-obnoxious-and-paying-for-it episode, Chapter Fifteen, "Bato of the Water Tribe" between this point and the finale. And yet this moment does mark an important turning point in how the show handles Zuko's status as main season antagonist, and object of ridicule. "Bato of the Water Tribe" is the last episode of the season where Zuko serves as main antagonist, and in fact the last episode of the entire series where he serves this function. And between "The Storm" and "Bato of the Water Tribe" is "The Blue Spirit."

Aside from the heartwrenching rendition of Zuko's backstory, the Storm is full of parallels between Aang and Zuko, including Aang's own painful backstory full of guilt and loss. And because it's Aang telling us this backstory, Aang is in an introspective backward-looking mood at its end, which makes this the perfect time for an episode where Zuko and Aang work together, and which foreshadows their future friendship, and the Fire Nation's own potential for changing course. And the episode following "The Storm" does all of that. "The Blue Spirit" also gives us a taste of Zuko's failure and perpetual futile determination being played for pathos, even as this failure allows for Aang's escape. Indeed, the framing of this situation makes it clear that there is failure on both sides. Zuko is unable to capture Aang, and Aang is rebuffed by Zuko. Zuko's singular pursuit of his goals is shown as tragic, as something that prevents him from forging meaningful connections with other people, and prevents hin from building a life, a concept that will be expanded in Book Two. As an audience, we feel the weight of this moment. It is poignent, it is sad, and it is painful.

"Bato of the Water Tribe" is the only other time we see Zuko until the three Northern Water Tribe episodes, and in these episodes, nearly nothing about Zuko is played for any humor at all. After Zhao takes Zuko's crew, Zuko's relentless drive is portrayed as admirable and tragic. His failures are portrayed as tragic, and even his defeat of Zhao is portrayed as tragic. He captures Aang, and with no one else to talk to, in the middle of a blizzard he can only wait out, he tells Aang about his father and sister, and about how he has to rely on hard work, and how he has come to take pride in his never giving up, because he isn't lucky like his sister. His trauma is now tied to this key part of his personality, previously played for humor, now played for tragedy. The last time we see Zuko in Book One, he confesses to his uncle that he is tired, and stretches out to rest on the raft that his uncle uses to sail them away. The scene is framed in such a way that a viewer might be forgiven for thinking Zuko had died.

After this, Zuko's foibles are played for laughs again throughout the rest of the series, but the Looney Toons style merriment is gone, and the humor is much more affectionate, and used to puncture and punctuate his angst and the heaviness of his storyline. His role as the butt of jokes has been transformed. The point has been made. This change is highlighted by of all characters, Azula. In "The Chase," an episode full of characters laughing at each other and mocking each other in ways that are not funny at all as exhaustion takes its toll and characters show off their worst, meanest selves, Azula's comment to Aang about her brother stands out: "I must find the Avatar to restore my honor!" she says, covering her eye like her brother's scar. And when Aang only stares at her, she continues: "It's okay. You can laugh. It's funny."

How many times have we as a fandom laughed about Zuko and his honor?

And over the course of the rest of Book Two and Book Three, Zuko's sense of honor and his refusal to give up will become his greatest strengths and most admirable qualities as they lead him away from his father and the Fire Nation war machine and to becoming the Firelord who will end the war and restore the honor of his entire nation. The traits that once held him back from making real connections to other people, with healing and understanding of self, become the ones that enable him to make those connections in the end.

This same technique of playing a character's traits born of pain for laughs until they are explicitly tied to that pain is used again with Mai and Ty Lee in Books Two and Three. They are introduced in "Return to Omashu" in ways that also introduce Azula as their abuser, and in Mai's case, give ample information about how neglectful her parents are of her and her brother. However this is done subtly and not dwelt upon. Throughout Books Two and Three, Azula's abuse of the two of them will be touched on and reinforced, most notably in the flashbacks in "Zuko alone. However, most of their portrayals in Book Two will be of them as antagonists, and specifically as funny antagonists. They take this role over from Zuko. Their foibles are played for laughs and they are amusing in a way Azula can't be because she is too much of a threat. It's not until "The Beach" that their quirks are inescapably linked to their traumas, and their bubbly or emotionless exteriors are shown pointedly to be masks hiding pain. Mai yells, Ty Lee cries. And the next time they are given real focus, their pain and their abuse at the hands of Azula is shown to be the source of their triumph as they reject her domination and turn against her to protect the people they love. Mai especially is cool and collected, mask firmly in place as she tells Azula that she miscalculated. The parts of their personalities born of pain are first played for laughs, then for tragedy, then for triumph, just like Zuko's.

Azula in so many ways is the outlier, because for her, the triumph comes first. She appears to be in control at the start of her journey, winning victory after victory, playing with Mai, Ty Lee, and Zuko like dolls. I mentioned earlier that Azula isn't played for humor very much in Book Two the way Zuko was because she is too big a threat. She's too scary to laugh at. This changes in "The Beach." Taken away from the battlefield and forced to interact with strangers in which there is no hierarchy putting her at the top or competition for her to win, the same traits that make her such a dangerous opponent make her laughably incompetent at social interaction.

At the end of "The Beach", we are given a hint of the pain at the roots of the same perfectionism and need to win that this episode lampoons: "I could sit here and complain how our mom liked Zuko more than me, but I don't really care. My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right, of course, but it still hurt."

We will later learn this is far from the whole truth. Not only does her own subconscious tell her that her mother loved her, but her whole world starts to fall apart when, somebody, Mai, picks Zuko over her, and tells her she miscalculated. Last of all, her father, who always treated her as his perfect child in contrast to worthless Zuko, dismisses her and treats her with the scorn usually reserved for Zuko, something Azula notes explicitly, when she yells that: "You can't treat me like Zuko!"

This is one of the most telling lines in the entire series. She has built her self image around being better than Zuko, of being infallable, because the little girl watching her brother being abused thought this would protect her from her father. And now, with her sense of infallibility stripped away, the idea that she is inherently better than Zuko called into question, and her father's favor suddenly in doubt, her whole identity crumbles and she starts hallucinating [Link]. And this is why Azula sees her mother in her psychosis, because Ursa is someone else who she feels chose Zuko over her. While Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee end the show free of their abusers and ready to start new lives, Azula ends it chained, defeated, and sobbing uncontrollably.

And yet with Azula's arc, as with Zuko, Mai and Ty Lee's, an explicit line is drawn between the funny and the tragic about a character. The writers, strictly speaking, didn't need to make us laugh at Azula before turning her into an object of pity. Taking her from triumph to tragedy would have been a strong enough individual arc without the segue into the hilarious. This segue however, together with Zuko, Mai, and Ty Lee's time spent as objects of humor, ties strongly into the show's themes and evokes a common emotional response. The humor comes before the revelation of tragedy in all four cases because before the tragedy of each character is made explicit, it feels okay to laugh at them. It doesn't feel mean.

But then the tragedy behind the funny quirks is revealed and we the audience can't help remember laughing at them. And we already have laughed at them. There's nothing we can do now to undo that. And this makes us feel just a little bit mean, just a little bit guilty. It makes us a participatory character in a way, and it drives home an important theme. There is no one safe to laugh at on Avatar: the Last Airbender. Everybody is human so no one is just a figure of fun. And just as in the real world, you never know when you are laughing at somebody's pain. Everybody is human, and everybody's pain is worthy of respect and acknowledgment, and you should be wary of anyone saying: "You can laugh. It's funny."

[esonetwork]

The Goldfinch Paints a Haunting Image of Grief

New Post has been published on https://esonetwork.com/the-goldfinch-paints-a-haunting-image-of-grief/

The Goldfinch Paints a Haunting Image of Grief

The Goldfinch Starring: Ansel Elgort, Oakes Fegley, Nicole Kidman, Finn Wolfhard Directed by: John Crowley Rated: R

How can one navigate their way through grief after a life altering trauma upends everything they’ve ever known? Based on the novel by Donna Tart, The Goldfinch looks to explore this topic through the life of Theodore Decker. Theo is 13-years-old when he visits an art museum with his mother on a seemingly average day. Tragedy strikes when the museum is bombed by a terrorist. His mother is tragically killed and Theo survives. He escapes the bombing and takes a famous painting, The Goldfinch. Theo spends the next several years making his way through life caged in by the trauma, wandering aimlessly in hopes that one day he’ll be free from the grief of his traumatic loss.

Adapting The Goldfinch to the big screen was never going to be easy. It’s 800 pages of intricately detailed character drama, driven by different stages of Theo’s life. As a huge fan of the book, I’ve been very excited to see this film. However, I was also apprehensive when the first wave of critical reviews hit and completely trashed the film. The critics are being ridiculous with their negativity towards The Goldfinch. If you’re a fan of the book, don’t worry. You will be pleased to see the novel come to life on the big screen. Just seeing Theo’s story brought to the screen is meaningful.

Director John Crowley takes a different approach with the structure of the film. Instead of telling the story chronologically, like in the novel, the events unfold through flashbacks. In some scenes, this works quite well on an artistic level. Yet in others, the nonlinear narrative structure hinders the emotional impact of Theo’s story. The film begins with Theo as an adult, then flashes back to the tragic event that shapes his story. Then it moves between his past and present frequently, picking certain plot lines from the book that will serve the film best. This creates a jumble of timelines that could easily confuse anyone who hasn’t read the book. In the novel, every moment of Theo’s life builds upon the next after the events of the bombing. It’s all connected. Yet, the film is structured in fragmented pieces, so his issues seem unrelated. Unfortunately, by telling the story in this manner, the big picture of Theo’s story could get lost in translation

In terms of acting, there are several stars bringing the novel characters to life including Nicole Kidman as the kind hearted Mrs. Barbour who takes Theo in after the tragedy, Jeffrey Wright as the wise antique dealer Hobie, and Luke Wilson as Theo’s unpredictable father. Despite the stars mentioned above, it’s Oakes Fegley who is the standout of the film as young Theo.  He portrays a raw sense of loss and heartbreak after his mother’s shocking death, constantly grappling with the circumstances of that day. Theo wonders if he could’ve done something to change the circumstances surrounding her death. He holds on to The Goldfinch painting tightly as it symbolizes the memory of his mother. Fegley is able to showcase a wide range of emotions in a short amount of time that is very realistic to someone who is grieving.

Helping young Theo move through his grief is the European vagabond, Boris, played by Finn Wolfhard in quite a memorable performance. He brings a sense of comic relief to a point of the film that needs it. However, Boris is a mystery and his reckless antics aren’t always for the best.

Ansel Elgort brings adult Theo to life in a tragic way. He struggles with PTSD, drug addiction, and some shady antique dealings that may not be legal. He reflects on the events of his life with a sense of sorrow, unsure if he will ever move on from the ghosts of his past. The only thing keeping him afloat is the hope that his childhood love, Pippa (Ashleigh Cummings) may feel the same about him. Elgort is genuinely moving here, making the audience feel sympathy for a character who has weaved a tangled web of mistakes.

Theo’s life may be quite messy, but at least it looks incredibly polished. The cinematography is one of the best aspects of The Goldfinch. For a film about a painting, it’s nice that every shot looks like art. Roger Deakins is truly a master in cinematography. Every shot is wonderfully lit, with emphasis on warm tones. There’s a sense of emotion to each and every moment thanks to the images on screen. Whether the characters are in the middle of the Las Vegas desert or stuck in the rubble of an explosion, Deakins is sure to make each shot flow with vision, emotion, and creativity. The musical choices also add a lot to the film. Trevor Gureckis score is hauntingly beautiful. It’s one of the best scores that I’ve heard this year. The track “Beautiful Things” fits the story perfectly. Other song additions by Radiohead, New Order, and Them fit into the film at just the right moments.

While the non-linear plot structure keeps The Goldfinch from being as strong as its novel counterpart, there is still plenty to admire in this adaption. The cinematography, acting, and music bring the story to life in quite an impressive way. The Goldfinch is a compelling coming-of-age tale that paints a haunting image of grief.

[eisforeidolon]

Episode: Exodus

What is there to say about this episode, really?  It could have been worse?  At least we got a brother hug out of it?  Oh, look, it’s that part of the season where all the places the arc plot failed get desperately glossed over with even more flimflam?   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Yeah, I did appreciate the hug and how Sam and Dean had to look away from each other's eyes after and move on to deal with the crap they were still in the middle of.  Of course Dean figures it's all good if Sam is alive, even if he comes with such fugly baggage.  So there was that good moment. Although it was right after Sam set a timer on his phone for twenty one hours.  Which was a rough estimate, not a definitive timeline.  Given by Lucifer.  You know, Lucifer.  Sigh.

The main problem this episode had was that it really desperately wanted to show a conflict for Jack between everyone else and Lucifer trying to win him over.  Even if you take out the part where earlier this season Jack said he didn't actually feel anything in favor of him now having flashbacks o' guilt?  Which has its own issues in terms of the writers going for innately good woobie Jack instead of anything with more nuance?  Everyone in this episode acted as if Lucifer had pulled some kind of angel mojo off-screen to keep them from speaking against him. 

Dean just keeps yelling for Lucifer to shut up – without actually giving Jack any reason for the hostility.  Sam basically avoids the whole situation, as does Gabriel.  Castiel stands RIGHT THERE like a goddamn piece of furniture while Lucifer spews out his same old tired oh-poor-misunderstood-me spiel.  They don't have to engage with the bullshit claims about Lucifer corrupting humanity he’s whining about, just say all the shit he personally did!  Creating demons from twisting human souls.  Torturing Sam for keeping him from his plans to destroy the world.  Lying - including to, notably, Jack's mother.  There is no real conflict here and you can't make a believable one happen by just having everyone go suspiciously mute for reasons, ffs!

Also, remember all that nonsense in season eleven about how Lucifer turning against God wasn't entirely his fault, it was because he had the Mark of Cain?  Remember how we had the Winchesters bizarrely advocate for his ass to make God apologize to him for being such a meaniehead?  Except, oh, whoops, when they have their big talk, Gabriel is back to saying that it actually was all Lucifer's fault again.  Without any mention of the Mark's influence from him or in any of Lucifer's pity party speeches.  LOL!canon.  

Then we have the usual crap with Mary, the woman who is desperate to bond with anyone … who isn't blood related to her.  The Winchesters were worried all season about saving Mary, desperate enough to risk tearing the fabric of the universe – for reasons!  Despite how many other characters they had much closer actual good relationships to they've let go.  Here, they finally find Mary - who blithely (and rather insensitivity, considering Sam just died) goes on about how she totally understands how they went to so much trouble! Buuuut, fuck off home boys I will always find somebody I care about more than you!  That whole big, cathartic hug and resolve to have a real relationship with each other?  Oh, look, the writers turned that clock right back just to give us more bullshit shallow soap drama of the Winchesters being super invested in a Mary who clearly does not actually give a single fuck about them and isn't shy about letting that show.  I mean, if I felt like the writers were doing this on purpose, intending for us to feel like Mary is just a deeply shitty person at her core, at least that would be something.  Instead they keep trying to insist there's a relationship here both ends care about but, oops, ~*somehow*~ abandonment drama keeps happening!  I honestly don't know why I'm supposed to find Mary any less contemptuous than Samuel Campbell.  Seriously, why?  I question whether she would literally adopt Lucifer before she would be considerate of Sam and Dean's feelings at this point.  I don't get why they, or I, should care about her given the givens.  AT ALL, let alone to the point of risking reality - or are we forgetting about that whole warning thing from Billie completely?  Which is not even to mention the way Mary basically laughs at Dean's concern Jack could go dark side.  Oh yeah, the woman who spent last season being duped by the BMOL and schtupping Ketch obviously has superior judgment about things like that!  Not to mention the irony of her saying of course Jack will be interested, Lucifer's his father, no harm can come of that!  Or are we not supposed to draw a parallel between how much Sam and Dean risked this season in the name of their likewise shit mother for no more substantial connection?  

At this point I honestly wonder, does Singer or somebody else on staff have an unholy fuckton of mommy issues?  First there was that whole horrible tumor of a plotline with Crowley and Rowena and now this nonsense.   Oh, but look, Mary's soooo cool, she's such a “badass” fighter and keeps punching Lucifer in the face, LOL!  That totally makes up for it!  In short - fuck you, SPN writers, for once again making alive!Mary less of an understandable three-dimensional character than she was when she was dead.  

After the reunionating, we waste some time with some random Apocaworld NPCs.  Remember how Michael was supposedly amassing his forces at a weak point between realities and was going to break through and attack the regular world at any time?  On top of the whole rift spell thing?  Time sensitive, nah, the good guys are going to sit here waffling back and forth for a while with some nobodies and a replacement goldfish Bobby about whether they should stay in their burned out world.  Who cares?  I don't.  It’s especially comical following as it does after the previous week’s OMG NO TIME!!! malarkey.  Also feel pretty awkward about the celebration at the end, these people are either strangers or strangers wearing the faces of dead friends that they've just randomly invited into their supposedly secure bunker of magical artifacts.  Acting like being all blasé about it is not kinda creepy is ... really very creepy.

In terms of the whole Charlie and Ketch on a mission side plot, I think the writers were desperately trying to create some kind of meaningful parallel between regular Cas and Indiana Jones cartoon villian reject AU!Cas.  With them both doing the angel interrogation thing and the line about being the same, or whatever?  Like, if they can just desperately imply AU!Cas is actually badass then therefore vicariously...  Even still, I actually minded this ridiculous IHAVEANACCENTSOI'MADIFFERENTCHARACTER!Cas less than the previous ones?  Putting aside the part where it’s complete nonsense that he’s the only familiar angel with the same damn vessel, somehow, for reasons?  I could actually see a clueless alternate universe Cas trying to figure out how to be intimidating to humans and ending up doing a bad adventure film Nazi impression. 

Bad accent shenanigans and faux depth attempts aside, I did enjoy the rescue scene.  Not!Charlie's reaction to being hugged by a giant stranger and Ketch's look and quip at Dean particularly. While I think they missed a bit of an opportunity to make a direct Satan at the wheel joke when they had Lucifer drive the bus, I found it amusing for that nonetheless.  I also actually did like the scene between Sam and Jack and Lucifer there as they’re leaving.  Putting aside the general thrust of the episode's story and exactly why Jack figured he'd be able to pop off and kill Michael in five minutes or so, it was pretty apt to have Lucifer talk to him about thinking you're doing the right thing and having the right thing go wrong.  Of course Lucifer knows all about that - back when he was actually scary, it was how he manipulated everyone.  It's almost out of place for how much sense it makes here for him to sway Jack with that reasoning.  I also actually liked that Rowena had managed to find a way to bolster the spell and keep it open just that much longer.

Not so much in favor of how, of course, Michael shows up at the very last second.  Or how Gabriel offers to sacrifice himself by fighting more powerful AU!Michael with … basically zero grace power.  It made no sense at all, made his resurrection to ruin his redemption arc just to give him a different one even more essentially pointless, and literally the only reason Jack didn't stay behind as the most powerful member of their party to guard their retreat was scripted contrivance.  More specifically, to have Sam ditch Lucifer so Lucifer will team up with Michael and maybe to Jack be all upset?  Which, again, if it happens can only happen because no one was actually willing to tell him exactly why everyone knows his father is a dick. BECAUSE REASONS!  So much eye-rolling, so little time.

I mean, it's not like Michael wasn't already planning to come through elsewhere anyway.  It's not like they didn't already try ditching Lucifer in Apocaworld once already and saw how permanent of a solution that WASN'T (including how it gave Michael an extra source of archangel grace).  It's not like Lucifer is capable of ever figuring out redemption involves real remorse and might actually turn good so there was some real dilemma for him here beyond having to team up with someone he hates.  I guess there were actually some people that were all pissed off at Sam on Lucifer's behalf but that's incredibly gullible and weird, tbh.  Like, there are people who actually bought all that crocodile tears sad face self pity bullshit? Just … wow.

Anyway, maybe this dumb idea of an ending will have some non-contrived point that comes up in the finale episode that I haven't got to yet, but I seriously doubt it.  

[shiraglassman]

Review: A Closed and Common Orbit (AI finds herself, a family, & a future) - also features major bigender character

A Closed and Common Orbit by Becky Chambers is a science fiction novel of such literary quality yet such approachable prose, characters, and relationships that I honestly feel like it’s one of the best books I’ve ever read. I don’t say this lightly. I loved the previous book in the series, A Long Way to a Small Angry Planet (my review), and consider it a solid rec, but this one surpasses it by adding some really powerful themes and messaging to the already cool worldbuilding and cozy interactions. The book focuses on the convergence of two storylines, an AI who lives with some discomfort in an illegal human-looking body, and a flashback timeline to the childhood of the human tech who’s taken her into her family. The human woman grew up as a slave child in a factory on what is probably Earth, but she escapes and makes a life for herself thanks to her own inner strength and the love and compassion of another character. The major themes of this book, besides the obvious platonic love and “found-family” gloriousness that its predecessor did so well but this one even more intensely, include bodily autonomy, consent, and respect without objectification. One main character, after all, is an artificial intelligence. What’s that like for her? How can she deal with being stuck in a human-looking body instead of living in the walls as a ship’s computer? She didn’t choose this — not freely (she was pressured into it as a result of events at the end of the previous book.) How can she gain more control over herself when there are shackles programmed into her brain? How can she get her friends to treat her fully as autonomous–they’re doing their best, but you know the drill with allies. Sometimes allyship can be asymptotic. There’s a scene where she’s candid with a new friend that their response to her seems unduly focused on her unusual status. They agree to modify the situation by agreeing that she can ask them as many questions as she wants about them, too, and she adds that it would be nice to answer some questions that aren’t about being a computer. The human woman’s story is one of resilience and persistence in the face of the worst. It’s easier to digest than it might have been, since from the beginning of the book we see that as an adult she’s living comfortably with loved ones. One sees echoes of Jane Eyre’s time in the orphanage, both in the name “Jane” (which she changes as an adult) and in the fact that there’s another little girl whose friendship very much reminded me of Helen Burns. One also really feels the state of mind of both the human and android protagonists through the author’s use of language. The android overwhelmingly thinks of anything her physical body does as being done by “the kit” — i.e. “the kit smiled.” It’s not her, in some fundamental way. This is important and ends up being meaningful. And the human’s language too — when she’s a slave child in the factory, her language is limited to the language she would have known. “She taught Jane about something called music, which was a weird bunch of sounds that had no point but made things feel a little better.” As she grows the reader watches her use of language grow, too. But the heavy is mixed with light. Chambers’ space world is colorful and exciting, populated by a variety of alien cultures that coexist in diverse splendor on the present-day’s port planet. When the AI character eats or drinks, her programming replaces her missing senses of taste and smell with beautiful images that correspond with the flavors she’s supposed to be experiencing, so that she’s able to enjoy them hedonically like her friends are. You know how in the real world, tattoo artists have a rule about not serving you if you’re under the influence? One of the major supporting characters in this book–the bigender character Tak, who uses he or she pronouns that change from scene to scene–does ink for a living, and they make an exception to this rule — Aandrisks, a species of sentient reptilians. Why? Because Aandrisks shed their scales, so even if you sober up and realize “Oh, shit, who the hell is Larry?” you only have to live with it for a few weeks. I love that this series has the kind of worldbuilding that thinks of these things. Plus, you have details like, when faced with the mockcusation that another bartender has him beat for fastest in the port, a minor character tosses off “He’s got tentacles. That’s hardly fair.” Or a bar serving a certain alcoholic drink that’s described as being made from Whatever we could grow this year, plus water. At one point, an alien responds with alarm to the human main character crying happy tears, to which she replies: “Humans do this when–when we’re feeling a lot of things.” His shocked response: “You leak?” This is a Space Book that’s mostly about how characters feel about themselves, about life, and their relationships with each other. Instead of wars between alien species — which are referenced as history, so it’s not like this is a war-free universe — we see injustice on a more personal level, and we witness battles against loneliness, alienation, insecurity, and loss instead, with plenty of warm fuzzies to smooth the journey. This genre, I like it. Another. These stories may take you to some dark places, some more distressing and some merely a little sad in a familiar way, but Orbit delivers on a happy ending that’s both complete enough to be satisfying and messy enough to feel realistic. And if you’re anything like me, that happy ending will feel so meaningful because you’ll want it for them so badly as a result of the currents of the book.. Incidentally — this is more of a spinoff than a sequel to Long Way because it’s about characters who are barely present in the earlier book and not a continuation of the earlier book’s MC’s story.

[janedrewfinally]

Sparkles! Dancing! Fight sequences! Which were also dancing! Not Really Japanese History! Shrine maidens! Sparkles! More dancing! In other words, “Wind over Yamatai-koku,” aka my first chance to see a live Takarazuka performance, followed by the revue “Sante!” (I cannot get this keyboard to do proper accent marks; sorry). (Several versions of this post were basically incoherent flailing) Now, the thing is, my Japanese language skills are… minimal. So I knew going in that this was not going to be something where, um, the intricacies of the plot would go completely over my head. So this is not so much a review as my impressions. But that’s okay, because I have a long history of watching things in languages that I don’t really understand and managing by virtue of keen observational skills, genre-saviness, and flat-out making stuff up!

Me (as the show starts): Okay, I’m seeing why people say to bring opera glasses, because I have awesome visibility but from very far away. Main Character Takehiko (played by Asumi Rio): *enters dramatically, dressed in white and blue with a long coat* Other assorted characters: *also enter dramatically, in white and beiges and some blues* All characters: *introductory singing and dancing* Other group of characters: *dash in dramatically, dressed in black with red accents, and start brandishing weapons* Me: Gosh, however will the audience be able to keep track of who the bad guys are?

Fortunately, the Taka-Wiki page has the official show summary, which is how I knew that we’re dealing with the kingdoms of Yamatai-koku (the good guys) and Kuna-koku (the bad guys). Takehiko, who is a warrior for Yamatai-kou, then goes into flashback mode… Young Takehiko: *runs from Kuna-koku warriors in a forest* Elderly Mentor Character, Clearly a Martial Arts Badass: Small child, why are you running away? Young Takehiko: *hides some more* Warriors from Kuna-Koku: *enter and attempt to fight Elderly Mentor Character* Elderly Mentor Character: Like that’s going to work; you didn’t even bring the main bad guy with you!

After defeating the warriors, the Elderly Mentor Character gets Young Takehiko to share his tragic backstory (his parents were murdered), and Young Takehiko asks to be made his apprentice.

We then get… sort of a training montage? It’s Young Takehiko trying to sneak up on his mentor with a fighting staff, indicating that some training has happened, except it doesn’t work, so, you know, not a LOT of training has happened.

Then there was more training/staff-fighting, and a quite clever shift out of flashback mode by virtue of having Young Takehiko go partly off-stage, so you just see the end of the staff, and then Regular Takehiko comes out.

Elderly Mentor Character: As part of my sage life advice, let me introduce you to Chekov’s Ordeal of Sticking Your Hand Into a Pot of Boiling Water or Possibly Snakes. Congratulations; your training is now complete! Let me give you this sword, and send you off to practice. I’m sure that I’ll be fine; it’s only three more days until I retire. Warriors from Kuna-Koku: *show up again for… some reason?* Elderly Mentor Character: Drat, I see that you’ve brought the main bad guy this time. *dies*

Takehiko, of course, is Distraught to find his murdered mentor, and dashes off into the woods. Meanwhile, a young woman named Mana is being escorted by warriors of Yamatai-koku, because she is either a) going to be trained as a miko, b) the super-special young woman who is/hears the “voice of the kami,” c) both? Basically it means that periodically she falls over into a spotlight and spouts off prophetic stuff, which is doubtless appropriately poetic. Of course, the bad guys show up and kill her escort, and Takehiko (who is still Distraught) runs in in time to injure and/or kill assorted bad guys who are not the main bad guy and rescue Mana. They have a Meet Cute interlude in the woods, she gives him one of her necklaces (it’s magatama, so it’s clearly a Meaningful Necklace- and no, I could not even slightly see that from the stage; it’s in the promotional pictures).

Then the rest of her escort (or another escort?) shows up, and she explains the situation, and they are So Enthused at Takehiko’s clear leading role status that they basically drag him off to make him a member of the Proud and Skillful Warriors of Yamatai-koku, including Mute Karate Guy, Leader Guy, and Spunky Arrow Girl (who doesn’t like Takehiko at all, in the sense that she yells at him a lot but can’t stop thinking about his hair).

Takehiko is super-enthused to have friends! I am super-enthused to recognize the word “nakama”! Yay!

Umm.. some amount of time passes, because Mana is one of the shrine maidens, under the head shrine priestess- there is ritual singing and graceful dancing and invocations, until the head priestess staggers (she is meant to be much older), and then recovers to name Mana as her successor (as near as I could figure, Mana was brought to the main shrine because she has/is the “voice of the kami,” but this seems to be the first time that it’s been clear that she’s supposed to become the new head priestess).

Mana: I will become the head priestess, and change my name to Himiko, because that’s the name of a major ruler/priestess in the earliest Chinese accounts of Japan! Lots of other kings (?): *politics, politics, politics* That One King Who Is Clearly Evil Because His Outfit Is Fanciest: I don’t like this new head priestess, because of Reasons.

One of the reasons is, I think, that Mana/Himiko is not from within the court; another is that there was an Evil Miko who got passed over, who is.. either the daughter of a different king and involved with the Clearly Evil King, or is the daughter of the Clearly Evil King (I think it was supposed to be the first option).

Takehiko: *sees Himiko in full voice-of-the-kami/head priestess regalia*: Wait.. that’s the girl I had the Meet Cute with! This is NOT what I thought she meant by us meeting again! I am lowercase-“d” distraught! His nakama: Shhh! Don’t let on that you know the head priestess; there are Rules about this! Elsewhere: *the main general of the bad guys plots to figure out a way to completely take over Yamatai-koku, supported by his king- and some really awesome scene changes, by the way; very impressive*

At this point, the plot consists of:

1) Takehiko is still in love with Mana, who is the new head priestess and therefore untouchable/unavailable. 2) That One King and the Evil Miko are plotting to get rid of Himiko. 3) The kingdom next door still wants to conquer Yamatai-koku.

At one point, I think that the village maidens (not to be confused with the shrine maidens) straight-up invented sake, and there was a big celebration.

It gets attacked by the kingdom next door, obviously.

Having realized that Takehiko is pining for the head priestess, the Evil Miko pretends that Himiko had sent for him, in order to set the two of them up with Standard Accusations of Lost Honor/Virtue. They do get to have an emotional reunion and a lovely duet first, so there’s that?

Council of Kings: *sings angrily about the state of things today, when head priestesses can just sing duets with handsome young men and expect there will not be dire consequences*

(I think that one of the things that’s also going on is that Takehiko’s position is also affected by the fact that he also wasn’t originally local, but I’m not 100% on that)

Council of Kings: We demand that you prove that you are not guilty through the use of Chekov’s Ordeal of Sticking Your Hand into a Pot of Boiling Water or Possibly Snakes! Takehiko: … seriously? Well, okay, then!

He passes the ordeal, but then!!!! Himiko is ordered to channel the voice of the kami… and can’t!

Council of Kings: *more angry singing* (with a side of confusion, because it’s really weird that Takehiko passed the ordeal, but Himiko no longer gets prophetic)

Evil Miko: *goes to the bad guys in the kingdom next door and tells them about Himiko, hoping to be rewarded* Bad guys: *lock up Evil Miko, and plan to attack* Evil Miko: I don’t understand how my cunning plan failed…

Takehiko goes to talk to Himiko/Mana, saying that since she no longer has/is the voice of the kami, there’s no reason they can’t run away together! More duets! Of course, as they are heading out, she falls over poetically into the spotlight and sounds a warning about the imminent attack.

I… think that the kings either aren’t there, or aren’t listening to a disgraced head priestess, or are too far away?? Anyway, Takehiko heads out to fend off the attack on his own (heroically), but ends up taking his nakama with him.

Um. They all die? So that’s a thing that happens.

The final duel between Takehiko and the main guy amongst the bad guys ends dramatically, with Takehiko being wounded, and the bad guy taking longer to collapse (but then he totally dies… um… I am not sure what happens to the other kingdom or the king or… welll, the war?).

Takehiko seems like he’s dead, but then!!! The spirits of his assorted nakama appear in spotlights and give him a pep talk.

Meanwhile, the Council of Kings is still skeptical about Himiko’s actually having her abilities back, even when Takehiko shows up.

Himiko: I predict an eclipse! Council of Kings: We are very skeptical and don’t believe you and WHY IS THE SKY ALL DARK WHERE DID THE SUN GO?

(I am PRETTY SURE that the swirly lights and other effects were meant to be an eclipse)

Everybody panics about the eclipse, until finally light starts appearing again.

Himiko and Takehiko meet for a final scene in the woods, where… um… I think that the general tenor of the dialoge was that they know they can’t run away together, because they have responsibilities, but then they ended by dancing together in a swirl of cherry blossom petals, so I don’t know if he was leaving, or he was staying, or what exactly the ending note was).

The review, “Sante,” was all about wine and the dreams you have when drinking in Paris (or the dreams you have about Paris while drinking)- it was tons of fun! Can totally see the reasons for being down on the ground floor, because there was a lot of “and now we are going to dance in the aisles,” and the first row had the plastic wine glasses that Asumi Rio actually went and clinked her glass with during one number.

I’m not quite sure if all Takarazuka reviews are required to have at least one number where everybody has those crazy flamenco costume sleeve ruffles (side note: has Takarazuka ever performed “Cuban Pete,” because, that would be amaaaazing), but that was in there…. also a super-cute French chefs number, and a really emotional vocal solo about lost love (side note again: has Takarazuka ever performed “I Won’t Send Roses”?).

Then there was a climactic number that was either an epic battle between the forces of Good and Evil, or an epic battle between the forces of Riesling and Burgundy (the winner seemed to be Asumi Rio playing the role of a very flamboyantly pink Moscato?).

Cast: *proceeds to do a dramatic number involving those stairs* Me: How is that nobody ever messes up on the stairs? I would totally fall down if I even tried. Asumi Rio: *immediately almost misses a move on the steps* Me: ACK NO FORGET I SAID ANYTHING NO QUESTIONS HERE Afterwards, I had to dash to the train station (and also I was not quite sure where the grand exit location was, which I probably should have sussed out earlier if I wanted to stick around for any of that.

[enddaysengine]

Exploring the Manifest Zone - The Last War

Here's Episode 2 and man have I been looking forward to this one! It's been a while since life kinda happened in between this being released and now, but I'm okay with playing catchup. Today we are talking about the Last War.

https://manifest.zone/02-the-last-war/

I like that Wayne's bringing up the civil war aspect of the Last War. The fact there are no recent civil wars in Europe or North America certainly does alter our vision of what war looks like, although it is worth pointing out that we are still feeling the shock waves of the American Civil War today, even in the not-United States parts of the continent. Imagine what it must be like for those who are only two years removed from a century long civil war.

The tension of having no winner in the Last War is a plot point that you can spin multiple campaigns out of. It was an excellent call for the setting not to resolve the problems that nations are facing. It adds a level of dynamism because everything is so unstable and can collapse into multiple potential futures.

Huh, I never really thought about the Dragonmarked Houses having terms dictated to them by the Empire of Galifar. Maybe that's because I always saw them as being partnered with the royals, but then again, alliances come and go. Just because Galifar I got them on his side doesn't mean they still had a cozy relationship by the time that Jarot rolled around. It makes sense that the Dragonmarks would be screwed before the Last War if the Empire didn't want to play ball. Stormreach was a minor economic player, and while the Lhazzar Principalities were technically autonomous, but they still bent a knee to Thronehold. I could easily many Dragonmarks feeling that the war was horrible, but that in many ways it saved and freed their families.

I'd love to get an entirely in-universe book that shows the history and contents of the Korth Edicts and the Treaty of Thronehold. It probably won't happen anytime soon and would be more likely as a product produced by fans (or Keith) in the DM's Guild once Eberron finally gets allowed.

I hadn't considered that the creation forges might have been shut down because Cannith came in with a weak hand. It always seemed to me like the forges got closed because of escalation fears. The fact that some Cannith heirs may be resentful towards that poor leadership is an interesting perspective.

Warforged leases or rentals. Excellent idea. It makes perfect sense for Cannith to try and extract payment for warforged soliders multiple times. They may even try and argue that this wasn't so different from pain a soldier salary, and to structure their lease agreements to make it look like you paid less for the warforged.

The separate culture of Valenar from Cyre is something that's come up a couple of times, but I don't ever think got the attention it deserved. Take a look at the pre-War map of Galifar:

What is now Valenar is cut off from the rest of Cyre by the Blade Desert. They were nominally part of the nation and the empire, but they were both distant from the heart of its power and geographically isolated. I highly doubt this is the first time they tried to break away and rebel. I also note that as I compare maps, it does look like there is a piece of old Cyre that escaped the Mourning, the south shore of Lake Cyre. It's now part of the Talenta Plains, but I expect this may be one of the last remnants of the nation that still looks much like it did before the war. There could be interesting plot hooks there.

So, Droaam. One of my favourite nations out there, but Keith's suggestion that the Five Nations treats Droaam like Westerns treat Daesh is fascinating. It's not a perfect comparison because Droaam isn't actively at war with everyone around them (can you even got to war with the Shadow Marches), but it does inform other types of attitudes and plots you could use in stories.

The distinction between Droaam and Darguun's political situations is important listening if you want to use either of those countries in a campaign. The goblins were more involved with the war and had gained allies. Essentially, they played the game of politics and came to the table at the Treat of Thronehold with enough clout and chips to offer to gain legitimacy. They also had a past president. For a very different analogy, consider the relationships that Christians and Jews had with the Roman Empire. Both were disruptive to the state religion, which demanded that homage is paid to the Roman emperor and his ancestors. Both Christians and Jews refused, but the Romans allowed the Jews to practice their religion because they saw that religion as being a fundamental cornerstone of an ancient civilization. To the Romans, the Jews had enough historical legitimacy that they would be tolerated, even though they disrupted the religious status quo. The Christians, on the other hand, were a recent phenomenon for the Romans, so they were not seen as having the same pedigree and same legitimacy. Darguun is like the Jews in this scenario. The goblins not only had nations but empires before humanity conquered them. A goblin nation could be seen as a revival of that tradition and be more socially/politically acceptable than a gang of monsters trying to build a state.

Another important note on that legitimacy thing is the age of elves. An elf's lifespan of 750 years for an elf being about the biological equivalent of 110 for a human (before magical enhancement). The Dhakanni Empires collapsed about 5000 years ago, an extremely extended period for humans on modern Eberron, but more like 1283 CE for them the historical memory of elves. Given that countries like Israel and Greece in the real world were able to garner enough recognization using historical memories from the first millennium BCE, it doesn't seem very far-fetched for the elves to view the rise of Darguun as the return of an old but hardly forgotten nation.

The Mournland being in the centre of the continent create some challenges, particularly in the east to west movement, but the payoffs you get are much larger. I've had several campaign hooks hinge of off Breland and/or Darguun trying to restore overland (or underground) transportation routes to Talenta, Valenar, or Karrnath. There's a lot you can play with there. I also really like having the wasteland in the middle of everything. The whole "World's Largest Dungeon" schtick plays well. The Last War is also useful in justifying dungeons beyond modern structures. Large magical explosions could easily have exposed previously hidden ruins, and now that there is peace, those dungeons can be explored.

The Last War is a great story hook for building a character. I really like the idea of starting a group during the war as a prologue/flashback, then skipping ahead to 998 YK. That helps to give a sense of the significance of the Mourning.

Kalashtar can be tricky to include in the War, and I've never really given them much thought in that context. Their culture is a bit isolationist and it has more than a bit of a superiority complex. Why would they get involved in a quarrel between warring siblings when they have all of reality to save? I like the idea "orphaned" kalashatar who have lost contact with their culture. That does not mean they have to be literal orphans, it could be the result of Kalashtar who fled East from Sarlona and ended up in the Shadow Marches or Demon Wastes, or whose Kalashtar parent renounced the shadow war with the Dreaming Dark to live amongst humans. Of course, that the Dreaming Dark may have been one of the groups trying to engineer the Last War is logical and would be a perfect reason for Kalashtar getting involved. That gets lots of cloak and dagger, espionage, and spycraft stories going.

Thinking about the effect war has had on you is interesting. I've dealt with PTSD (not from combat, but still) so I know there's a balance to walk with your character between having the War impact the way you act without crippling your character. I definitely appreciate Scott's perspective. He's given very good advice on how to get inside a military mindset. Handicapping vs storytelling is also an important discussion to have.

Scott's storytelling advice is excellent in general, not just for warfare, but for everything. Get into more senses than just sight and give your players choices of what do, even if it doesn't change the immediate plot to get them to engage in the moment and the emotions. Then let the ongoing plot further develop from those choices. The experiences shared by a party who served in the war together is a great place to start. I like Keith's questionnaire a lot. Definitely going to steal it.

The idea of a party trying to rebuild their bar after it burned down in the war is a great take on how to tie everyone together. I should write some fiction around that. The impact of the war doesn't have to be all angst and devastation. The war can impact people in other meaningful but relatable ways too.

The reignition of the Last War is something I haven't actually played around with much. That said, I have messed around with the breaking of the balance of power. My games have tended to either be localized to specific cities if they deal with politics. I do want to develop Thaliost and a couple of other cities in the future and it would be a good idea to bear in mind some of the potential local sparks that could set the continent back on fire.

The Lord of the Blades leading a warforged nation is something that I have wanted to do, but haven't had the chance to yet. One idea I had was House Cannith and Orien trying to reattach the east-west Lightning Rail trade routes by going under the Mournlands through Kyber. The Lord of Blades doesn't take to kindly to that, claiming that the caverns are part of the warforged's sovereign land and that it was effectively a declaration of war. I love the question of "Is the Lord of Blades Magneto or Doctor Doom?" It gives a nice touchstone to the personality of LoB.

I know this is beating a dead horse, but Eberron's ability to handle issues from the real world is amazing. Cyran refugees is an easy one since it is a hot topic in global politics. You could pretty easily pull up any newspaper, leaf through it, and use any given article about the current plight of refugees to get yourself a plot hook. If you are looking for something a bit more complicated, I suggest reading into the current controversy around Safe Third Country agreement between the United States and Canada.

Above and beyond that, I've plotted a couple of campaigns revolving around Cyran refugees. On is a straight up adaptation of Pathfinder's Kingmaker adventure path, substituting the Stolen lands for Eastern Breland. The general idea was that between the Mournlands and Darguun, Brelanders were fleeing their lands westwards, so New Cyre was allowed to send out companies of refugees to resettle the abandoned lands. It works well and maps pretty nicely to the geography if you flip Kingmakers east and west. The other one was similar in concept but comes from the original ECS itself. Aundair, not wanting to take in any more refugees, instead resettles them in the abandoned town of Desolute in the Demon Wastes. Effectively, Desolute becomes both a frontier city and a high-functioning refugee camp.

I would be all over a book about wartime technology in Eberron. Technological advances in war have driven a lot of Earth's history, so seeing a magical counterpart would hit my sweet spot where science and history overlap. Treetrunk artillery is a wonderful mental image.

Next Up - Dragonmarked Houses. I'll be quicker this time, as long as the Traveller doesn't steal my keyboard.

[upslapmeal]

Opinion: Jane The Virgin it's losing it's charm. It let me down after episode 10 and I tried to keep watching but it's disappointing me so far. I just feel is not as funny and smart written as it was and it's just reusing storylines. And I'm still not used to the characters now after the 3-year jump, it feels so hurried.

Ok so I know the point of this ask game thing is just to say whether you agree or disagree but I have way too many thoughts about this to just leave it at that. So. In general I agree, at least to a point. And I’ve literally written over 1000 words as a reply so I’m putting it under a readmore bc….whoops…….

Right to start off, I know something everyone used to complain about the crime plots but that was something I really thought was missing at the start of S3. Those plots were usually good at providing drama that really contrasted with Jane’s life and I’d been looking forward to Michael finally going back to work so we’d get them back. Which obviously didn’t happen, and I know we have Dennis and they’re still part of the plot but it’s different from having one of the main characters directly involved. 

Something else that definitely hasn’t helped but isn’t necessarily the show’s fault is that we’ve lost side characters because the actors have become involved in other shows - specifically Luisa, Lina and Rose. This limits the interactions we can see, and means that when they’re on the show they don’t get any meaningful longer storylines because they won’t be around for long. This has been a specific problem for Luisa who seems to appear for an episode or two then get sent off to rehab. Rose was a great villain and that’s something else the show’s been lacking, especially since Mutter’s dead though she was never as compelling as Rose. 

I remember back in S1 wondering how long the show would last because it seemed unlikely that they would be able to keep generating such elevated plots and ridiculous twists, and I think that’s just part of the nature of the show unfortunately. In that during S1 (and S2 though less so) all the ~telenovela aspects were new and fresh, but they used up a whole bunch of tropes and plotlines, and also we’ve just got more used to it and better at predicting what will happen. That’s not to say repeated elements don’t always work - the Anezka twist at the end of ch39 completely caught me off guard despite the Roman/Aaron plot in S1. I had thought that Rafael finding out he wasn’t a Solano would be an opening for more telenovela plots, possibly involving the art theft and Italian orphanage, but instead it fed the more grounded emotional plots in that it made Raf want to turn over a new leaf. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and that’s not to say it won’t lead to those plots in the future, but considering that the show seems to be lagging a bit in its telenovela side it does feel like a bit of a missed opportunity. 

Which brings us to ch54, Michael’s death, and the time jump. Considering what I’ve said about plots running out it made sense that they needed to shake things up, and Jennie said Michael’s death was the mid-show equivalent to Jane’s insemination in that it was an event that completely turned Jane’s life upside down and changed what she’s imagined her future to be. And it certainly did that but I do think it also did several things that hurt the story. Firstly, it just added to the problem I talked about with the show losing characters and so losing different interactions and relationships to explore. Brett said after the end of S2 that he’d love Michael to have more scenes with Alba and see what the relationship is there, and personally that was a relationship it really hoped we’d get to see, especially after those vows. Losing characters hits harder when they’re part of the main cast. Then we also lost our main connection to the police side of all the telenovela crime drama. And as well as losing a telenovela aspect we also lost many more grounded potential storylines. What’s Michael’s role in bringing Mateo up as he gets older? How do they deal with the difference between Mateo, who’s constantly moving between parents, and JM’s potential future child(ren) who would live with them all the time? Would we get to see Rogelio take Michael, Rafael and Mateo out on an over-the-top Father’s Day bonding adventure? Idk, it just feels like there were so many more potential storylines to mine from that family.

Then there’s the issue of trying to use the death in the same way as the insemination. The problem comes from the fact that they gave the show very different things. The whole show sprung up from Jane’s insemination. The show would not exist without it and the whole show since then has been dealing with the consequences of this event. We got to see the very real and emotional effects, the difficulties it caused and how hard it could be, really letting Gina flex her acting muscles, but it was also a ridiculous telenovela event that could be used as a source of humour and ultimately ended up being one of the best things to happen to Jane. And the problem with using Michael’s death to similarly shake up her life is it only provides the first half of that, the difficult, emotional side. It’s not something that can be joked about or used for fun drama.

And so then we have the time jump. I absolutely understand why they decided to have the jump, if the show had gone straight into the period after his death it would have been too dark for the show, and the jump lets us see the long-term effects. Unfortunately though, they literally killed their protagonist’s husband after they were married for 7 months. They created a situation where the consequences are dark and difficult and heartbreaking. And so while I appreciate that we’re seeing Jane still affected by it after three years, we need to see more of this difficult stuff that the show made for itself. I’ve already rambled a lot about this here so I won’t get into that again but if the show’s going to use this death supposedly to be a mid-show insemination equivalent, it mustn’t shy away from the situation it’s made for itself. And I’m not saying the show isn’t showing Jane’s grief but I don’t think it’s changed enough or doing it in a way that justifies killing him in the first place.

In fact the biggest change to the show that’s come from Michael’s death is the time jump. And honestly, outside Jane’s story I do think it’s done the show good. It’s refreshed a lot of storylines and from a practical pov has made sure they have good kid actors instead of just hoping that Aiden (who played young Mateo) turned out to be a good actor. And you know what? I think the time jump would have been a great thing to happen to show without Michael dying. Because then you haven’t lost one of the pieces in the game, just rearranged them. Rather than carrying the weight of showing Jane moving out of deep grief, the flashbacks would help fill in the gaps better for more characters. Everyone would be in a new place and there wouldn’t be the weird rushed disconnect there is now where the show has gone from an incredibly traumatic event back to near-normality in the space of less than an episode. 

I know this all sounds really negative. I do appreciate how the show has decided to tell a story of coming back after having dealt with terrible grief and I don’t want to fully judge how good a job it’s done until the end of the season, and even without quite the same spark as the start it’s a fantastic show. I’ve tried to be as objective as possible with this and look at the show without thinking about personal opinions of characters etc (though I am incredibly bitter and sad about Michael’s death for non-storytelling reasons), and I think that the heightened and balanced nature of the show at the start has made a bit of a fall inevitable. But it’s done a damn good job of trying to keep as close to that place as possible, even if that has included missteps or repeated storylines. I’ve still loved every episode so far, not all as much as each other, but there is yet to be an episode I dislike. And so yes, it has lost a bit of its charm and it’s made decisions I’m disappointed in, but as a whole I still think it’s a clever and important show that I love. And long may that last.

[dearbanshee]

All of this! Also, there is so much they could expand on if they ever do make this into a fully fleshed out ending? If the story had continued from Noct’s POV in the alt end we could potentially have/had:

1. Ravus filling in as a party member in the wake of Ignis’ absence, helping them reach Gralea

2. Luna’s wishes/love for Noctis could be relayed to him through her own brother instead of Gentiana (who had her own biased agenda) or that creepy Tenebraen child. This makes it more meaningful imo

3. Noctis slowly coming to terms with the ring himself, (obviously it would be a point of discussion bc he doesn’t have it and Ravus knows that Ignis must have taken it, since he knew Luna had been the last in possession of it), maybe motivated by listening to Ravus’ story of how he wore it and was deemed unworthy, etc.

4. They’d be able to fight together while all rushing to find Ignis, bringing the importance of brotherhood and friendship back to the forefront instead of having Prompto separated AND Gladio and Ignis separated. I think it would have been narratively stronger and more united if they were all worried about getting Ignis back, had one clear goal in mind rather than a multitude of scattered ones and people getting separated left and right.

5. If they WERE to get separated, however, it would be a perfect opportunity for Ravus and Noctis to be split up from the others at some point, putting aside their differences to make it through Zegnautus Keep together for a time before reuniting with Gladio/Prompto. (Eventually Ravus would exit the party when they detect Ignis, of course)

5. Ravus being in the party even for a limited time would allow him to witness Noctis’ bravery, determination, and own self-struggle in person, and come to the conclusion that he is worthy as the chosen one after all. That conclusion would feel far more deserved than the one in the disc ending, where his acceptance of him seemed forced out of nowhere (conveniently right before he was slaughtered by Ardyn) in a flashback cutscene and through letters.

6. Noctis and friends learning about the daemons together without unending suffering and taunts being slung at him from Ardyn over the intercom. 👌🏼👌🏼

7. Everyone including Ravus facing Iedolas in a proper boss fight with cutscenes and dialogue that actually explains what was happening to him/ his motives—potentially tying in Kingsglaive and pre-game events rather than the main story’s half-assed fight with daemon!Iedolas that diminished his importance to the story.

8. Ravus’ presence in general would help tie everything together, since both he and Iedolas were at the attack on Insomnia. Noctis would have more insight into that whole debacle and Still face sorrow/ deal with past tragedy (as well as Gladio who lost his own father there)

9. Prompto would not have to go through torture, and eventually he would still get to face his origins because nothing in the alt ending suggests otherwise? They could have heard about some crazy shit going down with Verstael while at the keep (maybe even through Iedolas? Verse 3 featuring Gladio and Prompto anyone?) and there’s nothing stopping him and Aranea from teaming up and heading off to clean up his father’s mess during the 10 year wait (since that would have to be taken care of anyway). He’d get to face his origins in a much less traumatic way that doesn’t involve believing his friend fucking despising him? Did they ever even explain to him that Ardyn was the one who took his form and tricked Noctis, that the words Noct had said were not meant for him? I don’t remember there ever being an explicit explanation and It’s so fucked up if there wasn’t .

My point is, there is sooo much space for improvement within the parameters Episode Ignis left for us. Through Ignis’ POV it seemed very short and rushed, but if it had been broken into more chapters and playable through Nocts’ perspective, i believe it would easily be longer and fleshed out. (we don’t know how long Ignis was K.O’d for) It gives the characters agency, could potentially make Ravus’ survival at the end of the game far more meaningful, doesn’t force Noct into being verbally manipulated over and over until any chance of there being a Choice for him is defeated and, like @rsasai points out, emphasizes the very FF theme of hope.

My eye

Isn’t perfect but it’s good enough to play Episode Ignis. My first time. It already hurts my heart.

[pussymagicuniverse]

The Babe With the Power: Blending Healing Magic and Popular Culture

I need to start with a disclaimer: everything I say here is based in my own experience, and one person’s experience should not replace professional help or medical advice. I’m in therapy, but I use magic and charms, too. In the past I’ve been on medication, and regularly practised meditation. Sometimes you use several tools from the box to get well.

Anyway. Back to the beginning: five and a half long years ago, in September 2013, I stopped speaking to my mother as a last desperate act of self-preservation. Our relationship was never good; I am a survivor of child abuse and neglect. But even when I was young, I wanted a mother, so as an adult at the time, I was doing my best to ‘fix’ things with her.

“Sometimes you use several tools from the box to get well.” (click to tweet)

Autumn is always a turning point. That September I was 33 years old, a mother myself, and had been living in a different country. Thousands of miles away from her, for years – yet through the miracle of social media, she was still able to upset me and trigger flashbacks at the touch of a keyboard. The end came when she posted a public rant about forgiving someone else for abusing her kids, then pretended she hadn’t said it when I asked her about it.

A good friend of mine was there to be the voice of reason when I felt confused about whether I was doing the right thing – kind, caring parents don’t say and do things like that, they said. I believe some parent-child relationships can be healed, even when the damage runs deep, and I tried to talk to my mother in an honest, open way towards that healing. She came back with incoherent hand-wringing and ranting about how I don’t understand anything. In the end, I blocked her.

“Whenever I feel desperately low, have flashbacks, nightmares, or any of the other awful aspects of c-ptsd kick in, I think it again. You have no power over me.” (click to tweet)

That didn’t cure my c-ptsd. At first it made it worse because I was always worrying about how she’d next try to get in contact, what she would say, and even how she was feeling (they hurt us, but still we love them). But it was shortly after, when I was watching the film Labyrinth with my sons, that I realised the answer was in Sarah’s final confrontation with Jareth, the Goblin King (spoiler alert, but this film is over thirty years old, so I spoiler with a clear conscience) – she can’t remember the line she needs to say to defeat him, and when she does finally remember, she believes every one of the six words and blows the whole kingdom apart: You have no power over me.

It was soothing; it made me sit up a little straighter. This is a mantra I’ve been using ever since, not just where my mother is concerned, but to counter the after-effects of all the abusers I’ve known (there have been a few, unfortunately). It was magic for the character of Sarah in Labyrinth – a film that, from start to finish, places extreme importance on using the right words – and it’s also been magical for me (but magic, in real life, is a much slower process sometimes).

As for my lovely friend who helped me through this change – when I told them about my small but meaningful epiphany, it was comforting to learn they had a similar feeling about the film Drop Dead Fred: when the adult Elizabeth discovers she is strong enough to break away from her controlling mother, the words are I’m not afraid of you. Both lines had the same effect for each of us, the only difference was which film we connected with best as children.

When my mother tries to contact me – it happens, and always with a strange reason she feels I must speak to her, always with a non-apology built in – I think it again. Whenever I feel desperately low, have flashbacks, nightmares, or any of the other awful aspects of c-ptsd kick in, I think it again. You have no power over me.

“Sometimes things are difficult, it’s ok to admit I struggle, but I keep going. Rearranging my brain because of trauma has been necessary and important work, but one thing it isn’t is painless. It has to hurt if it’s to heal.” (click to tweet)

There have been other quotes, from other films. In the months leading up to starting therapy last year, the line ‘It has to hurt if it’s to heal’ from The NeverEnding Story was – and still is – essential. In this movie, Atreyu is on a quest to save Fantasia – a world built by the imaginations of human children – and finds himself seriously injured along the way, then taken in by an old gnome couple, where the wife tends to his wounds and gives him this important advice. It’s in the broader context of the film I find it helpful as well – he’s saving a whole world. He’s already lost his beloved horse, narrowly escapes death himself, and he keeps going. This quote has kept me from the brink very recently. Sometimes things are difficult, it’s ok to admit I struggle, but I keep going. Rearranging my brain because of trauma has been necessary and important work, but one thing it isn’t is painless. It has to hurt if it’s to heal.

These are only two examples of many in my own life. And countless other people are saved by music, books, tv, films, (video) games, art, comics (the list is, as they say, endless) in a similar way, and to me that’s a big beautiful deal. I know I see it my way because I’m a witch, others will see it as it suits them. It’s psychology, emotions. It’s being human and finding comfort and connections where we can. Speaking to my therapist about writing this essay, she agreed with all of the above – including the magic. And when I was explaining how the potential for such magic is given to popular forms of media in no small part because they’re shared by so many people, she said “they have become our mythologies.”

“…magic doesn’t have to be fancy, but it needs to work. For me, if any of it is going to be effective, the most important part is being able to attach real power from within me and direct it outward.” (click to tweet)

She’s right. They are our myths. And we often weave myths into spells, and it comes back to one important rule in my personal practice: magic doesn’t have to be fancy, but it needs to work. For me, if any of it is going to be effective, the most important part is being able to attach real power from within me and direct it outward. Of course, it’s always been important (and fun) learning the meanings of herbs, crystals, colours, animal and dream symbolism, how stars and planets affect us, and so on – but if I’m not connecting the knowledge to a force of my own, it’s all just decoration. And maybe some would dismiss pop culture talismans and chants and charms, but if you put ten tonnes of power and meaning behind them, they’re just as effective and life-changing – and potentially as spiritually resonant – as anything older.

“…maybe some would dismiss pop culture talismans and chants and charms, but if you put ten tonnes of power and meaning behind them, they’re just as effective and life-changing – and potentially as spiritually resonant – as anything older.” (click to tweet)

Born in Southern Ohio, but settled in the UK since 1999, Kate is a writer, witch, editor and mother of five. She is the author of several poetry pamphlets, and the founding editor of four web journals and a micropress. Her witchcraft is a blend of her great-grandmother's Appalachian ways and the Anglo-Celtic craft of the country she now calls home – though she incorporates tarot, astrology, and her ancestors, plus music, film, books, and many other things into her practice. Her spiritual life is best described as queer Christopagan with emphasis on the feminine and the natural world. She believes magic is everywhere. Find Kate on twitter and IG - @mskateybelle - and at her website.