#I actually got another ask on that the other day and it went into my drafts and I haven't finished answering it

[f1shart]

thinking about buzz beating up the curious brothers again. like what do you mean

but buzz is older than them?? time to dissect this (and by that i mean overly complicate it!!)

Making Sense of Buzz Grunt Beating the Shit Out of the Curious Brothers (and Loki)

I went into this assuming that, considering how old Buzz is, him beating up the Curious brothers + Loki as a teenager was statistically impossible, especially considering their age in actual human years��but was I wrong? Is it actually possible that Buzz did fight them within the time he spent as a teenager?

First, some supporting information.

Age Conversions Based on Adult Lifestage

Buzz: Day 14 or 43 years old Pascal: Day 10 or 38 years old Loki: Day 9 or 36 years old Vidcund: Day 6 or 32 years old Lazlo: Day 1 or 25 years old

These aren't even my own age headcanons for them (except Buzz's which is surprisingly accurate), just calculations. If you want to know how I got them then feel free to ask 😇

Evidence Provided by Memories

As seen in the picture, Buzz fought everyone "as soon as he aged up." However, it's possible he just has no memories of early teenhood.

Pascal similarly gained the memory as soon as he aged up. This idea is more plausible with him because he was accepted into private high school after the fact. Sure, in gameplay, this can happen as late as the last day as a teenager, but I doubt this is what Maxis was trying to convey since they literally handpicked these memories. Meaning: Buzz beat him up in middle school…?

Loki's only teen memory is losing the fight.

According to the Sims Wiki, Vidcund has no memory of Buzz beating him up (how hard did he hit him?)

Similar to Loki and Pascal, Lazlo's first memory as a teenager is getting beat up by Buzz.

Is This Possible In Normal Gameplay?

Disregarding any other family memories that arose around the time (I do NOT want to try to decipher the entire Curious timeline), the fight memories are in fact possible with their Sim ages.

The teen lifespan in The Sims 2 is 15 days long. Buzz is 4 days older than Pascal, 5 days older than Loki, 8 days older than Vidcund, and 13 days older than Lazlo.

Ensuring that everyone still falls within the teen lifestage, I made a table of the earliest and latest possible ages everyone could have been when Buzz attacked:

Converting their teen days into human years, Buzz either beat them all up as an 18 year old OR slowly picked them off until age 17 which is right before he kissed Lyla. None of this, however, is possible based on the initial age calculations.

Buzz's Attacks Based On the Adult Age Conversions

Buzz is 5 years older than Pascal, 7 years older than Loki, 11 years older than Vidcund, and 18 years older than Lazlo. There are two ways we can interpret their memories: either the Curious brothers + Loki were teenagers when Buzz attacked, or Buzz was a teenager when he started attacking them.

On the basis that Buzz is still a teenager, and assuming each fight happened in close proximity to one another, he specifically had to have been 18 years old when each one happened. This makes Pascal a 13 year old, Loki an 11 year old, Vidcund a 7 year old, and Lazlo…a newborn. ☠️ Alternatively, Buzz may have started younger and continued fighting until 18, the only teen year he could have possibly encountered Lazlo in.

If that seems implausible, then maybe Buzz wasn't a teenager and instead beat the boys up as soon as they turned thirteen. This would make him 18 for Pascal, 20 for Loki, 24 for Vidcund, and 31 for Lazlo. (Side note: Tank and Ripp would have been born by then.)

Conclusion

Regardless of whether you base it on Buzz been a teen or the victims being teens, him beating up Lazlo looks pretty bad. And if you go by gameplay rules, everything flows surprisingly well. According to normal gameplay AND real-life age conversions, Buzz is a big meanie who beat up at least one kid as a legal adult, at least with the age conversion system I used…

Me personally, I think he was college-aged when he started bullying them. (Or maybe they attacked him? Plot twist.) Of course, what I discussed weren't the only possibilities, but they should give a good idea of how things actually went… and maybe they can inspire your own headcanons! ^_^

this is such a useless pseudo-essay LMFAOO

[asterafroditis]

Hi, could I request Silver with a platonic know-it-all reader? Like they're blunt and always getting on everybody's nerves by flexing their knowledge on others and nobody really knows why Silver puts up with them, but he's always like "wow, that was really informative :)" whenever they talk and they genuinely enjoy his company. Sorry if this is an odd request!

𐔌 . ⋮ quiet understanding .ᐟ ֹ ₊ ꒱

☓┆Platonic Silver x yapper gn! reader

𓏵 910 words

ᝰ.ᐟ 3rd Person POV, they/them pronouns used, fluff

teehee, I definitely had fun writing this, hope it caters to your request! feel free to like, reblog, or comment!

ᝰ.ᐟ masterlist

If there was one thing people knew about you, it was that you knew things. A lot of things. About history, science, magic theory, ancient spell formations—sometimes even completely random trivia that had no relevance to anyone's life. And you made sure people knew that you knew.

"Actually, that's incorrect," you’d interject, arms crossed as you interrupted yet another conversation in the Diasomnia common room. "The proper incantation for that spell dates back to the late Sorcerer's Era, not the early one. If you used that variation, you'd end up setting your own robes on fire."

Sebek groaned loudly, turning on his heel with a scowl. "No one asked for your input!"

"Yeah, but you'd have burned your eyebrows off. You're welcome."

Lilia only chuckled, amused as always, but the rest of the students? Not so much. You had a habit of inserting your knowledge into every discussion, and it wasn’t exactly winning you many friends. Some people saw you as insufferable, others as a walking encyclopedia that never knew when to shut up.

But if there was one person who never seemed annoyed by you, it was Silver.

"That was really informative," he said as he blinked at you, entirely sincere. "I didn’t know that spell variation had such a history."

You smirked, satisfied. "Of course. Most people just assume the modern version is correct, but they don’t consider how—"

"Are you seriously encouraging them, Silver?!" Sebek cut in, looking completely exasperated. "They never stop talking as it is!"

Silver only tilted his head, clearly not understanding why that was an issue. "I think it's nice. They know a lot of useful things."

"Exactly," you agreed smugly, nudging Silver's arm. "At least someone appreciates my genius."

Sebek let out a long-suffering groan and stomped away while you turned back to Silver, pleased as ever.

And that was how it always went. While most people avoided you when you got too deep into an explanation, Silver never brushed you off. He never mocked you, never got irritated—he just listened, nodding along even when your tangents stretched far longer than necessary. He even asked follow-up questions sometimes, which was practically an invitation for you to keep going.

You liked that about him.

One day, as you sat under a tree with Silver during a break, you glanced at him curiously. "You never get tired of me talking your ear off, do you?"

Silver looked thoughtful for a moment before shaking his head. "No. You always have something interesting to say. And I like learning new things."

You blinked. "...Huh."

That was… unexpected. But nice.

A breeze rustled through the trees, and you hesitated before adding, "Most people think I’m just annoying."

Silver closed his eyes, considering your words. Then, with the same calm sincerity he always carried, he said, "They're missing out, then."

You scoffed lightly, rolling your eyes. "Well, obviously." You leaned back against the tree, folding your arms. "I mean, I know things no one else does. If people don’t want to listen, that's their loss."

Silver hummed in agreement, then after a pause, added, "Still, I think it's nice to have someone who enjoys talking. I spend a lot of time in silence."

You thought about that for a moment. Most people probably assumed he was just a quiet guy, but considering how often he drifted off to sleep, maybe he was just too tired to talk much. If that was the case… maybe he liked having someone around who could carry the conversation.

A moment of silence passed between you before Silver spoke again. "You mentioned something about knight traditions earlier," he said, tilting his head slightly. "Can you tell me more about that?"

Your eyes lit up. "Oh, absolutely! Did you know that in ancient knightly orders, squires would have to recite the entire code of chivalry before they could even touch a sword? It wasn’t just about combat—they had to memorize historical texts, strategy guides, even poetry."

Silver’s lips quirked upward slightly. "I see. I think my father would have liked that tradition."

You paused, momentarily caught off guard. "Huh. Yeah, I guess he would’ve. You probably would’ve excelled at it, too."

Silver blinked at you, mildly surprised. "You think so?"

"Of course," you scoffed. "You're basically already a knight. Just missing the fancy title and dramatic cape."

He chuckled softly. "That’s… nice to hear."

You huffed, nudging his shoulder. "Well, don’t get too cocky about it. I still know more history than you."

Silver smiled faintly. "I don’t mind. That just means I can learn more from you."

For once, you found yourself at a loss for words.

It was easy to brush off other people’s irritation toward you, easy to act like you didn’t care whether they appreciated your knowledge or not. But Silver—he listened. He valued what you had to say. And in a world where people were constantly rolling their eyes or sighing in exasperation at you, that meant more than you wanted to admit.

So, with a quiet hum, you settled in beside him, watching the leaves rustle overhead.

"Alright," you said eventually, voice softer than usual. "I’ll tell you about the old knight tournaments next. You’ll like this one."

Silver nodded, his expression relaxed and content. "I’m listening."

And for once, you felt like someone truly was.

[owiil]

Sterek prompt: birthday surprise!

“No.”

“You can’t just say ‘no.’ Besides—” Stiles huffed and rolled his eyes. “—if you didn’t actually want him, you would have said something.”

Derek stared at him for a long handful of moments. Blinked. Continued starting. “I would have said— Stiles. This. I opened the door and you literally said ‘surprise.’ For what part of a surprise am I supposed to tell you, in advance, that I don’t want it?”

Stiles’ eyes narrowed in an attempt to read Derek’s face better, to see if there was some lingering hint of an expression other that exasperated… disappointment? Irritation? Whatever was accompanying the exasperation wasn’t positive. And, unfortunately, it didn’t look like there were any secrete messages lingering in Derek’s eyebrows or any other part of his face.

He snorted. “You have werewolf hearing Derek. I’ve been actively working toward this for three months.” Twisting, he gestured emphatically at the living room, which now, aside from Derek’s normal living room furniture (and the couch that Stiles will always say is his since he picked it out), there was an empty pet crate on the floor and a rather cozy looking orange cat curled on the middle cushion of said couch. "You really expect me to believe that you didn’t overhear what I was doing? I mean, come on. I was zero percent expecting this to be an actual surprise. How are you surprised?”

At that, Derek looked… lost, almost. Caught off guard by the undeniable truth of Stiles’ argument. After a moment, his jaw went square and his brow furrowed. “You spelled yourself.”

Stiles snorted, again, louder, more derisive. “No.”

A moment passed between them during which the only sound came from Clive’s monstrously loud purring from across the room—which, Stiles hadn’t gotten the cat because his name was Clive, but… honestly, hilarious. No. No... Clive had been a scalpel sharp application of an accumulated full year of research into both Derek and cats.

“I’ve literally been asking you about pets.”

“That was a year ago,” Derek said, immediately, because clearly he was catching on, knew Stiles well enough to know that, at this point, despite all appearances, the appearance of Clive in his home at six PM on a Wednesday was not, in fact, spontaneous.

“I got you to sign up as a shelter volunteer with me.”

“Last summer,” Derek said, also immediately, but less confident, and Stiles knew what was happening, knew he was starting to collect all of the pieces, put them all together.

“I mean, I said ‘surprise’ when you walked in— Also, Derek, why… Please tell me you didn’t not hear two heart beats? What is wrong with you?”

“I—” Derek said, the words choking in his mouth but the flush blossoming over the tips of his ears giving him away better than anything else could have and Stiles couldn’t help but laugh.

“Oh. My. God!” He laughed some more while taking a step forward and sliding into Derek’s space. “You were thinking about birthday sex. You were so distracted by the thought of bending me in half like a… I don’t even know, bendy straw—”

Derek’s brow pinched as he looked away—to the side and up, as though praying to someone or something, anything.

“—you didn’t even notice there was another heart in your own house. I don’t know if I should be flattered or mortified for my own safety.”

Derek’s eyes rolled and took their sweet time drifting back to him, his lips pressed into a fine line. “You are the last person I need to worry about the safety of these days. At this point, I’m more of a damsel than you are.”

Unable to help from grinning, Stiles shrugged, preening as he continued to lean even further into Derek’s space. “I mean, you’re not necessarily wrong. And while I’m very happy that we’re at a point in our lives now where the biggest drama of the week is the fact that you, adorably, think you are not keeping Clive—”

“Clive,” Derek sighed, like it was curse or, perhaps, the most ridiculous word to leave his mouth.

“—Clive,” Stiles repeated, raising his hands and pressing them to Derek’s chest, massaging his fingers against Derek’s pectorals. “—I do get a little sad that I don’t get the opportunity to treat you like the pretty princess you are.”

Despite looking thoroughly put out and begrudged, warm hands settled on Stiles’ ass. “You did save me plenty in high school.”

“Never got to carry you princess style,” Stiles lamented.

And then, finally, the corners of Derek’s lips twitched and he laughed. A soft huff of a thing, but a laugh nonetheless and more than enough to break the utter sourness that had been his expression since the moment he walked into the room. “You think you could now?”

Stiles shrugged. “Give me three weeks to do some charting and scrounge up the money for another tattoo and I’m sure I could inject some super strength into my body that would last long enough to traipse you around beautifully.”

Rolling his eyes, again, Derek leaned forward and pressed his smile and his face into the junction of Stiles’ neck. “You’re fucking ridiculous.”

“I’m adorable, and the biggest reason you’re mad at Clive is that you probably think that him being on the couch means that you have to do something cat dad-ish right now instead of screwing me literally anywhere else except the couch. Except you don’t, because I already moved all of his things into the coat closet and he’s fed and watered and ten years old so all he’s going to do is sit around and sleep while you both take naps in the sun.”

He tilted his head as he spoke, giving Derek more access to rub his stubble against him until the skin turned red and became sensitive, just to stop before it could become borderline painful and start kissing. “I’m not into voyeurism.”

Stiles laughed, loud and bright, hands sliding down Derek’s chest to hook in the belt loops of his pants. “Oh my god, Derek. It’s a cat, not Scott.” Just to gasp and cackle when, with an indifferent hum, Derek hooked his hands around the backs of Stiles’ thighs and hauled him up over his shoulder. “Wait. Wait!”

Obediently, Derek waited, standing still, fingers tapping an impatient tempo against the backs of Stiles’ legs. “What?”

“Close the door. Clive’s never been outside and he’s far too old and too precious to be let roam around.”

Heaving a put upon sigh, Derek turned around and closed the door. “I knew you would love him.”

Derek snorted. “I love you. I’ll tolerate Clive.”

“You’re going to be a great cat dad,” Stiles said with a laugh that cut off with a soft grunt when Derek slapped his ass hard enough to sting—the good kind that went straight to his dick. “Come on. Get me behind a door before Clive sees something he shouldn’t.”

[lovetaroandtaemin]

Firsts

Lee Seokmin x Reader

Word Count: 1,506

Genre: Pure fluff

Rating: PG, however I still ask that minors DNI with my blog.

Summary: Y/N and Seokmin celebrate their fifth anniversary with old memories and new surprises.

Content warnings: A tiny bit of anxiety over finding the perfect gift. If you think there's something else that needs a warning, let me know!

A/N: This fic is a birthday gift for the absolutely wonderful @miniseokminnies. Happy birthday, Bennie!!! Your friendship means so much to me. I hope your day is as special as you are!!!!

Taglist: @xomakara, @notyourjaem, @heechwe, @shadowkoo

Fic is under the cut.

You always sort of hated your anniversary. Not because you didn’t enjoy celebrating another year with Seokmin, of course. You loved every moment with him. But, if you were completely honest, you always struggled to pick the right gift for him. It didn’t exactly help that your boyfriend was so good at choosing gifts, either. Every anniversary, Christmas, and birthday left you amazed by how well he knew you, and every celebration ended with you wondering how the hell you got lucky enough to be loved by someone like him. That’s why you were determined to find the perfect gift for your five-year anniversary. After all, five years was a big deal to both of you, and you wanted Seokmin to know just how much you loved and appreciated him.

Of course, finding the perfect anniversary gift was easier said than done. You’d spent countless hours wandering through various stores in your city, looking for something that Seokmin would actually like. Every store that you looked in had the same boring stuffed animals and cheesy cards that both you and Seokmin hated. After leaving your fifth store, you were starting to lose hope that you’d figure something out.

When the idea for Seokmin’s gift finally came, you weren’t expecting it at all. You had a rare day off from work, and you were sitting on your couch scrolling through your photos, since there was nothing productive that you needed to do. You’d made it far enough back into your phone gallery to find photos like the one you’d taken of him on your first date, various pictures that you both had taken of each other on your first anniversary, and countless others that captured your favorite moments in your time with Seokmin. That was when you had the idea to print some of your favorite photos and put them in an album for him. It was different from the other gifts you’d bought or made for him in the past, but that was exactly why you were so sure that he would love it.

Since you had quite a bit of time before Seokmin would be back home from work, you went to your local craft store and bought a photo album. When you got home, you checked to see if your boyfriend was back at your shared apartment yet. When you couldn’t find him anywhere, you went to your home office and started printing the photos you’d selected. Once you had all of the photos printed, you started to arrange them in the album. After all of the photos were arranged the way you wanted, you wrote the following note on the inside of the album’s cover:

“My darling Seokmin,

Thank you for the best five years of my life. Every moment that I’ve had the pleasure of being loved by you has made every heartbreak before you worth it. I hope that you enjoy looking back at all the memories currently stored in this album as much as I have, and I hope that we get to continue to fill it with even more memories of us.

Happy anniversary, my love.”

Once you were done writing, you signed your name, and the gift was ready. As you admired the album, you couldn’t help but feel proud of yourself for choosing a gift that was both beautiful and sentimental, just like Seokmin’s always were.

About a week later, your anniversary finally arrived, and you woke up to Seokmin’s voice whispering, “Happy anniversary, baby. I love you so much.”

With a gentle smile on your face, you hugged your boyfriend tighter and said, “I love you too. Happy anniversary.”

Not wanting to let go of each other and start your morning routines, the two of you held each other close while a comfortable silence took over the room. One of the many things that you loved about Seokmin was that you didn’t feel pressured to fill the space with words when you were with him. His presence was all you needed.

You almost started to fall asleep before Seokmin asked, “Hey, what time do you have to be at work?”

That was when you sat up and grinned, answering, “I don’t. I took today off since you told me you had a day off too. We get to spend the whole day together.”

Seokmin almost knocked you over with the force of the hug that he gave you as he said, “God, you have no idea how happy that makes me. I’ve missed lazy days with you.”

“I have too.”

For a long time after that, the two of you stayed in bed together, enjoying each other’s company while the world around you seemed to stand still. Every time you looked into Seokmin’s eyes, you couldn’t help but think about how grateful you were that his eyes were almost always the first thing you saw in the morning and how badly you wanted that to be the case forever.

As much as you loved just staying in bed with Seokmin, after a while, you started to get a little bit restless. You tried to just relax and enjoy the moment, but you were so excited about the album that you’d put together, you felt like you were going to explode if you didn’t get to give it to him soon.

Seokmin noticed that you were getting restless and asked, “How about we get up, baby?” You happily agreed, and you both got out of bed and went about your typical morning routines, minus getting ready for work.

Once you were both out of bed and felt like functioning humans again, the first thing you asked was, “Can I give you your gift now?”

With a soft laugh, Seokmin answered, “Sure, baby.”

That was when you ran back to your room to pull the album out of its hiding place in your purse. When you got back to where Seokmin sat in your living room, you grinned and handed it to him, asking, “What do you think?”

Seokmin opened the album and read your note, and with tears starting to form in his eyes, he said, “I love it. Thank you, baby.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

As Seokmin started to flip through the album, he noticed a specific picture and asked, “Hey, isn’t this one from the day you moved in with me?”

“Yeah, it is. We’d just gotten all of my stuff inside, and you insisted on taking a picture of me to celebrate that I was officially moved in.”

“I was so excited.”

“Wow. ‘Was?’ I’m hurt, Seokmin,” you said with a laugh.

“Oh, shush. You know that I love you.”

“Yes I do.”

You continued to watch Seokmin flip through the book, and when he stopped on a specific picture, he turned to you and asked, “When did you take this?”

“Our first date. You asked me to take the photo before we went into the restaurant because you were proud of yourself for actually putting together a nice outfit instead of panicking and throwing on whatever you found in your closet,” you answered with a laugh.

“Oh my god, I forgot about that! I can’t believe you kept that photo.”

“I was going to delete it after I sent it to you, but I forgot. Then, we started to get more serious, and I didn’t want to delete it anymore. It’s the only time I’ve ever been happy that I forgot to do something.”

You and Seokmin continued to flip through your album together and reminisce about your relationship. You remembered every moment, from your first kiss to his first time meeting your family and the first time you spent the night at his apartment prior to moving in together, and all you could think about was how happy you were that you got to have all of those precious moments with him. As you laughed with him about falling out of bed the night after you moved in, you couldn’t help but think that you wanted to spend every moment with him for the rest of your life.

You weren’t sure how much time had passed before you finished looking through the album and Seokmin asked, “Can I give you your gift now?” You nodded, and he stood in front of you before getting down on one knee, opening a small box that he’d tucked into his pocket when you weren’t looking, and saying, “(Y/N), the past five years have been the best of my life. Every moment I’ve had with you so far has made me happier than words could ever say, and all I’ve been able to think about today is how badly I want to spend every moment of my life by your side. Will you marry me?”

You nodded again, tears filling your eyes as you said, “Yes!”

Seokmin immediately stood up and placed the delicate ring on your finger before pulling you close and saying, “I can’t wait to celebrate more firsts with you.”

Thank you everyone for reading! I hope that you all liked the fic. If you did, please make sure to like and reblog! If you wanna check out my other works, my masterlist can be found here. If you wanna see what I'm working on, my upcoming works list is here. If you'd like to be tagged whenever I upload a new fic, my taglist form is here!

Thank you again for reading, and happy birthday, Bennie!!!

[sleepynoons]

nagumo yoichi x gn!reader, sfw, not beta read

cw: slight suggestive content, explicit language

notes: wait if you catch several typos/grammar mistakes, that's not on me, that's on ellipsus for constantly glitching out today and preventing me from making edits. this is a drabble, too, and i don't proofread those oops. anyway, i thought it'd be funny if nagumo also got into a relationship the same way sakamoto and aoi got together. i also think it's hilarious that the npcs in this series don't give a fuck lol. nagumo also comes off as weird af at first LMAO wait this was kinda meant to satisfy my belief that nagumo has a sleeper build iykwim - wait i'm realizing there are several references + tidbits in this piece so it'd be funny if y'all catch anything hehe

"WELCOME!"

greeting customers is arguably the least rewarding thing about your job. most people who walk in ignore you, some even look annoyed, and you hate public speaking in the first place. you think you lose five minutes of your life every single time you raise your voice, and those five minutes have probably accumulated to years by now.

you sigh. it can't be helped. another part-timer recently quit, and you can't possibly let the manager of this convenience store, an elderly man in his 60s, take on additional night shifts when he's already handling the early mornings.

besides, there are some pros. since the store is located near a university and a residential area, there are familiar faces. there's a group of computer science students that often drop by, and they play the occasional harmless prank on you. there's also that mother-daughter pair that buys frozen taiyakis every saturday as a reward for the daughter for finishing her weekly violin lesson. and perhaps the most intriguing of them all is a man that pops by every three days around midnight.

he wears the same tan trench coat, along with a loose patterned button-up and black pants. before winter set in, he always went straight to the freezer to fish out a popsicle, bar already in his mouth as he walked over to pay, but in the past two weeks, he's been opting for a cup of hot coffee and small packets of candy instead.

it seems he's craving sour gummies today. with a swift swipe of your arm, you grab and scan the barcode on the back of the plastic bag, and type in the amount for his drink.

"your total's ¥600."

"no discounts for your most loyal customer?"

startled, you freeze, determined to avoid eye contact. you've had conversations with other customers before, but never with him. he's always left as quickly as he came, so you're caught off-guard by this unexpected interaction.

"u-uh, not this time, sorry. i can ask the manager if we have a loyalty program, if you want."

the man hums as he nods happily and hands you two ¥500 coins. his unbothered smile unnerves you a bit, so you count the difference and return the loose change in personal record time.

but he doesn't leave, and instead, asks, "any thoughts on getting hitched?"

your spit-take's almost comical, but the absurdity of the situation takes precedent. "w-what now?"

"one of my co-workers recently got married to a convenience store worker, so i'd thought i'd give it a try, too!"

you're practically shaking from how anxious and overwhelmed this person's making you feel. it doesn't help that he's clearly not disturbed at all, which almost makes you doubt your own ethics and gut instincts. but, the more you think about it, the more you're sure there's something wrong with this man and not you.

"i-i, uh, well, i'm not interested in-in getting married right now."

"oh, that's a shame! guess i'll try again tomorrow!

–

you wake up with a jolt, almost knocking the crown of your head into nagumo's chin. though, of course, there's no actual need to worry about that.

"hm, what's wrong?"

with a workbook on bayesian statistics in one hand, a pen resting on his ear, and his other arm folded behind his head, he looks down at you curiously. despite having just woken up, your head's never been clearer, and you sit up between his legs before looking behind your shoulder and shooting a glare at him.

you ask, "can i punch your face?"

nagumo laughs, probably already imagining your futile attempts. "sure! but can i ask why?"

"i dreamt about our first conversation, and it reminded me that you're kinda fucked up."

your boyfriend chuckles more, amused by your moral qualms. "you could say that."

the thought that your relationship is weird has never left you. you're (still) a simple convenience store cashier, and nagumo gets filthy rich by murdering people. you were never that interested in the world around you, having been too busy paying back student loans and applying to other jobs throughout your early adolescent years to care about other things, so when he told you about the JAA and the establishment of the assassin industry as a whole, you were shocked. but that's always as far down into the rabbit hole as you let yourself go.

from this view, with nagumo spread out before you, he doesn't look dangerous at all. ing, he resembles a nerdy graduate student, thanks to his obvious passions for mathematics and reading. moreover, his short-sleeved t-shirt exposes his tattoo-riddled arms, and the bottom of it has ridden up, giving you a pleasurable view of his hip bones and happy trail. in fact, when the two of you got into bed together for the first time (don't ask how he succeeded in seducing you), you were surprised by his physique. his outside clothes certainly don't do his abs or biceps justice.

anyway, the point is, he looks like your fantasy of a dreamy, hot, geeky boyfriend, not your local professional hitman-for-hire.

you sigh. you're not going to punch his stupidly attractive face. you lie back down onto his chest, burrowing your nose into the crook of his neck. you do let yourself get away with a pinch to his cheek.

then, you mutter, "don't hurt me."

"i won't," he chirps.

nagumo presses the knuckles of his free hand into the knots around your shoulder blades and flips his book back open.

he knows you mean more than in the literal sense.

[royaltea000]

eldest daughter behavior

[onesidedradiostatic]

Your blog and other 3 who are in your circle are basically the only way I consume hellaverse content so I tend to forget Val and Killjoy's beef, the Lucifer commission saga, thw whole sweater debacle and any other sagas that happened here are NOT common knowledge

LMAOOOOOOO they should be because they're all canon to season 2. clearly.

[a-blip-of-billdip]

this isnt what i usually post on this blog but I'm already sick of all the memes and 'jokes'. I am almost certainly leaving the fandom for good now because of the book of bills release and NO it is not because billford's community has an influx of supporters.

So the worship and romanticization of asylums and other abusive practices for mental health have been steadily gaining traction in recent years, especially with the rise of tiktok's toxicity.

SO many people, especially younger people, regularly talk about how they want lobotomies or how women they don't like should be lobotomized. They get tattoos of lobotomy like it's some quirky fun thing and not one of the most horrific tortures someone can endure.

These same people, ESPECIALLY leftists, will look at anyone they disagree with or don't like and say "get institutionalized, loser" or "et therapy" and it's always in a mocking way. it's always in a policing way.

because these people know that mental wards strip everyone of their freedom and their bodily autonomy. they know these places arent for healing--theyre for silencing.

So the amount of people i see treating bill being institutionalized like a good thing---even the writers and alex himself?

Yeah. Im out ✌🏼

[alien-girl-21]

Can't wrap around my head that people use tumblr for fashion inspo, like today I must have reblogged at least 20 posts about stabbing a roman emperor wdym you're coming here and searching how to build an outfit?

[airenyah]

Sex scenes don't bother me as much as kiss scenes. When the characters are making out in a way that indicates it will lead to sex, I'd scream at the screen "Just take off your pants and start grinding under the covers already!" because I cannot watch them mash their mouths together for another second.

That being said, I'm not a huge fan of sex scenes because firstly—I can't take the movements seriously, and if there's sound effects, there's also a high chance of me laughing. Secondly, the squishiness of the human body is another thing I can't take seriously. When I first watched the Only Friends trailer, and I saw that scene where Sand thumbs Ray's tattoo, I thought it was a butt tattoo because of the way the skin bounced in slow-motion, but no, it's actually a hip tattoo; the human skin is just that springy on every part of the body. While everyone was going crazy because of the tattoo-touch, I'm laughing because the bounce was so pronounced.

Basically, kiss scenes ick me out while sex scenes are comedy.

omg that sounds like such a fun way to experience sex scenes tho!! i wish my reaction was more like that rather than convulsion. i'd much rather experience a comedy show tbh dfjkkdgj

also interesting point you bring up about the human body being so squishy. i never really thought about it but yeah. human bodies are just so weird?????? actually, only the other week i was talking with another friend (who's likely also ace-spec) about just how humans (and tbh even animals) will just have things dangling from them?? whether it be genitalia or boobs or whatever. like, those body parts are just... hanging there?? and technically even your arms but at least you can control those. meanwhile my boobs will just bounce depening on what movements i make and i can't control them and they're just hanging from my chest while i go about my life. like, why?? i want dog boobs where you mostly have just the nipples and they only really get big when i have an actual child to feed (i know human breasts also swell when they fill with milk during a pregnancy, but why do i have to have two balls of meat hanging from my chest even when i'm not pregnant?? who thought of this design??). coming back to your point of the human body being so squishy and actually yeah, i'm realizing now that i can't take it seriously when people talk about how hot boobs are precicely because boobs are so squishy and also so wobbly and just. how is this not funny to people? dkdfjdjfk

and lmao i remember everyone going crazy over the tattoo!!!!! i realized right away that it's on the hip but maybe that was bc i remembered the placement of it from the eclipse. which is also why that scene didn't make me laugh, i was actually too busy trying to read what it said bc in the eclipse we never got to see that tattoo up close enough in order to be able to read it. so while everyone was freaking out i was just sitting in my corner like "omg so the tattoo says 'beautiful'???" i'd been wondering about it for a year ever since the eclipse, so i was just excited to finally know what it says bc i'm a nosy ass bitch lmao

anyway, i love hearing about your experiences. it's so fascinating how varied the ace experience can be and how specific things affect everyone differently. and i think it's also cool to hear what things other ace people pick up/focus on while the allosexuals are busy drooling over whatever is happening on screen dkjkdkjg

the kissing... idk, i can't tell you why it doesn't actually bother me that much or why i might even enjoy it. although i do have to say, the act of kissing does look extremely weird. sometimes (usually during longer kiss/make-out scenes) i'll be sitting there and suddenly it'll hit me that "actually kissing looks SO strange, whose idea was it for kissing to be a thing??"

sometimes in my head the kissing just conjurs up the image of a fish opening and closing it's mouth, like so:

except, you know, kissing involves two people so in reality it's more like:

[moved-please-leave-me-alone]

Two of my OCs are in a “whatever the fuck” together btw. If you even care.

[nvathuw]

Lowkey misses the time when I participated in trại hè phương nam in cần thơ

Yapping in hashtags

[playingonedchess]

characters: lets live together

people on tumblr: this of course means theyre canonically having sex, no what are you talking about i dont do headcanons my blog is all stuff based on canon

[undyinglantern]

logically I don’t even think I’m doing horribly (the guy training me told the manager I was doing “pretty well” about handling a “mini-rush”) but mentally my mind keeps telling me oh he’s just lying because we keep getting out breaks at the same time and since I’m practically tailing him of course he’s say that to be nice during the only opportunity to speak to the manager. Only since I’m around and can listen in is he saying something nice.

[searchingwardrobes]

I have been debating sharing this for some time, but with the new year weight loss ads amping up, I feel it's something I have to say. I'm worried for people's health.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably already know about people taking the diabetic drug ozempic for weight loss. You've probably heard the debates about the ethics of taking needed drugs away from diabetes patients and maybe even the side effect of "ozempic face." However, there is one side effect of taking these drugs that, in my opinion, people are not being warned about.

If you carefully pay attention to the television ads, you will hear them mention "pancreatitis" as a possible side effect. If you're like me a decade ago, that word probably means nothing to you. Let me warn you, however, it is no minor thing. My husband suffered from chronic pancreatitis for five agonizing years. The pain is beyond comprehension. Doctors who specialize in the pancreas describe it as the worst pain a human can endure. There is no actual cure. Little is understood about the disease, so treatment is difficult. Doctors who understand it are few and far between. It took my husband forever to get diagnosed. He went through multiple surgeries and procedures, but nothing worked. He had to go on an extremely limiting diet. If he varied from it in any way, he would have an attack. The only way to recover from an attack was to not eat at all for days, then slowly add in broth and jello. Did he lose weight? Yes. As a matter of fact, one day he stepped out of the shower, and I burst into tears at the sight of him. He was skin and bones - I could count every rib. Was it worth it to be thin? If you even ask that question, I'm concerned for your mental health.

They couldn't figure out exactly why my husband got pancreatitis. At that time, they thought only alcoholics and drug addicts got pancreatitis. This made it difficult to get compassionate medical care, unfortunately. Now they know that prescription medication (particularly diabetic medication) and high cholesterol can also cause it. Then there is another group - where they just don't know. But you better believe I would hesitate to take any medication that could cause pancreatitis. I would weigh my options carefully to assess if it was worth the risk. In my opinion, weight loss is not worth that risk.

My concern has been heightened seeing the Hers commercials for these drugs (under different names, but rest assured, it is the same thing). These commercials brag that you can get these drugs from Hers with just a simple virtual call, no questions asked. I wonder if people are fully aware of the risks of these drugs. I also wonder if we even know all of the risks yet. I also fear that the culture around these drugs could develop into an us vs. them mentality. That if it's so easy to be thin, why wouldn't you be? And some are getting dangerously thin on these drugs.

I know some diabetics who are on these drugs, and necessarily so. They tell me that it causes nausea when they eat. That's why they don't eat much. Again, that doesn't sound like a pleasant way to live. If you need it to regulate your blood sugar, that's one thing. But if you don't? Why would you do this to yourself?

My husband is now healed of pancreatitis. It was a miracle. You may not believe in that sort of thing, but I'm telling you, there is no other explanation. We had exhausted every medical solution, then the pandemic hit. We were concerned because hospitals were only taking life or death cases. What if he had a bad attack and needed an iv of pain meds? What would we do? Weeks passed - no pain. A month passed - no pain. Six weeks passed - no pain. He decided to grill a steak - something he hadn't been able to even take a nibble of in 5 years. I watched him take a bite, holding my breath. Nothing. He ate the whole thing. No pain. Five years later, still no pain. The doctors can't explain it, either.

So our story has a happy ending. Not everyone else's does. I hope people take the time to read this. If you do, please, please share it. I don't want anyone suffering needlessly.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

How I got scammed

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/02/05/cyber-dunning-kruger/#swiss-cheese-security

I wuz robbed.

More specifically, I was tricked by a phone-phisher pretending to be from my bank, and he convinced me to hand over my credit-card number, then did $8,000+ worth of fraud with it before I figured out what happened. And then he tried to do it again, a week later!

Here's what happened. Over the Christmas holiday, I traveled to New Orleans. The day we landed, I hit a Chase ATM in the French Quarter for some cash, but the machine declined the transaction. Later in the day, we passed a little credit-union's ATM and I used that one instead (I bank with a one-branch credit union and generally there's no fee to use another CU's ATM).

A couple days later, I got a call from my credit union. It was a weekend, during the holiday, and the guy who called was obviously working for my little CU's after-hours fraud contractor. I'd dealt with these folks before – they service a ton of little credit unions, and generally the call quality isn't great and the staff will often make mistakes like mispronouncing my credit union's name.

That's what happened here – the guy was on a terrible VOIP line and I had to ask him to readjust his mic before I could even understand him. He mispronounced my bank's name and then asked if I'd attempted to spend $1,000 at an Apple Store in NYC that day. No, I said, and groaned inwardly. What a pain in the ass. Obviously, I'd had my ATM card skimmed – either at the Chase ATM (maybe that was why the transaction failed), or at the other credit union's ATM (it had been a very cheap looking system).

I told the guy to block my card and we started going through the tedious business of running through recent transactions, verifying my identity, and so on. It dragged on and on. These were my last hours in New Orleans, and I'd left my family at home and gone out to see some of the pre-Mardi Gras krewe celebrations and get a muffalata, and I could tell that I was going to run out of time before I finished talking to this guy.

"Look," I said, "you've got all my details, you've frozen the card. I gotta go home and meet my family and head to the airport. I'll call you back on the after-hours number once I'm through security, all right?"

He was frustrated, but that was his problem. I hung up, got my sandwich, went to the airport, and we checked in. It was total chaos: an Alaska Air 737 Max had just lost its door-plug in mid-air and every Max in every airline's fleet had been grounded, so the check in was crammed with people trying to rebook. We got through to the gate and I sat down to call the CU's after-hours line. The person on the other end told me that she could only handle lost and stolen cards, not fraud, and given that I'd already frozen the card, I should just drop by the branch on Monday to get a new card.

We flew home, and later the next day, I logged into my account and made a list of all the fraudulent transactions and printed them out, and on Monday morning, I drove to the bank to deal with all the paperwork. The folks at the CU were even more pissed than I was. The fraud that run up to more than $8,000, and if Visa refused to take it out of the merchants where the card had been used, my little credit union would have to eat the loss.

I agreed and commiserated. I also pointed out that their outsource, after-hours fraud center bore some blame here: I'd canceled the card on Saturday but most of the fraud had taken place on Sunday. Something had gone wrong.

One cool thing about banking at a tiny credit-union is that you end up talking to people who have actual authority, responsibility and agency. It turned out the the woman who was processing my fraud paperwork was a VP, and she decided to look into it. A few minutes later she came back and told me that the fraud center had no record of having called me on Saturday.

"That was the fraudster," she said.

Oh, shit. I frantically rewound my conversation, trying to figure out if this could possibly be true. I hadn't given him anything apart from some very anodyne info, like what city I live in (which is in my Wikipedia entry), my date of birth (ditto), and the last four digits of my card.

Wait a sec.

He hadn't asked for the last four digits. He'd asked for the last seven digits. At the time, I'd found that very frustrating, but now – "The first nine digits are the same for every card you issue, right?" I asked the VP.

I'd given him my entire card number.

Goddammit.

The thing is, I know a lot about fraud. I'm writing an entire series of novels about this kind of scam:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865878/thebezzle

And most summers, I go to Defcon, and I always go to the "social engineering" competitions where an audience listens as a hacker in a soundproof booth cold-calls merchants (with the owner's permission) and tries to con whoever answers the phone into giving up important information.

But I'd been conned.

Now look, I knew I could be conned. I'd been conned before, 13 years ago, by a Twitter worm that successfully phished out of my password via DM:

https://locusmag.com/2010/05/cory-doctorow-persistence-pays-parasites/

That scam had required a miracle of timing. It started the day before, when I'd reset my phone to factory defaults and reinstalled all my apps. That same day, I'd published two big online features that a lot of people were talking about. The next morning, we were late getting out of the house, so by the time my wife and I dropped the kid at daycare and went to the coffee shop, it had a long line. Rather than wait in line with me, my wife sat down to read a newspaper, and so I pulled out my phone and found a Twitter DM from a friend asking "is this you?" with a URL.

Assuming this was something to do with those articles I'd published the day before, I clicked the link and got prompted for my Twitter login again. This had been happening all day because I'd done that mobile reinstall the day before and all my stored passwords had been wiped. I entered it but the page timed out. By that time, the coffees were ready. We sat and chatted for a bit, then went our own ways.

I was on my way to the office when I checked my phone again. I had a whole string of DMs from other friends. Each one read "is this you?" and had a URL.

Oh, shit, I'd been phished.

If I hadn't reinstalled my mobile OS the day before. If I hadn't published a pair of big articles the day before. If we hadn't been late getting out the door. If we had been a little more late getting out the door (so that I'd have seen the multiple DMs, which would have tipped me off).

There's a name for this in security circles: "Swiss-cheese security." Imagine multiple slices of Swiss cheese all stacked up, the holes in one slice blocked by the slice below it. All the slices move around and every now and again, a hole opens up that goes all the way through the stack. Zap!

The fraudster who tricked me out of my credit card number had Swiss cheese security on his side. Yes, he spoofed my bank's caller ID, but that wouldn't have been enough to fool me if I hadn't been on vacation, having just used a pair of dodgy ATMs, in a hurry and distracted. If the 737 Max disaster hadn't happened that day and I'd had more time at the gate, I'd have called my bank back. If my bank didn't use a slightly crappy outsource/out-of-hours fraud center that I'd already had sub-par experiences with. If, if, if.

The next Friday night, at 5:30PM, the fraudster called me back, pretending to be the bank's after-hours center. He told me my card had been compromised again. But: I hadn't removed my card from my wallet since I'd had it replaced. Also, it was half an hour after the bank closed for the long weekend, a very fraud-friendly time. And when I told him I'd call him back and asked for the after-hours fraud number, he got very threatening and warned me that because I'd now been notified about the fraud that any losses the bank suffered after I hung up the phone without completing the fraud protocol would be billed to me. I hung up on him. He called me back immediately. I hung up on him again and put my phone into do-not-disturb.

The following Tuesday, I called my bank and spoke to their head of risk-management. I went through everything I'd figured out about the fraudsters, and she told me that credit unions across America were being hit by this scam, by fraudsters who somehow knew CU customers' phone numbers and names, and which CU they banked at. This was key: my phone number is a reasonably well-kept secret. You can get it by spending money with Equifax or another nonconsensual doxing giant, but you can't just google it or get it at any of the free services. The fact that the fraudsters knew where I banked, knew my name, and had my phone number had really caused me to let down my guard.

The risk management person and I talked about how the credit union could mitigate this attack: for example, by better-training the after-hours card-loss staff to be on the alert for calls from people who had been contacted about supposed card fraud. We also went through the confusing phone-menu that had funneled me to the wrong department when I called in, and worked through alternate wording for the menu system that would be clearer (this is the best part about banking with a small CU – you can talk directly to the responsible person and have a productive discussion!). I even convinced her to buy a ticket to next summer's Defcon to attend the social engineering competitions.

There's a leak somewhere in the CU systems' supply chain. Maybe it's Zelle, or the small number of corresponding banks that CUs rely on for SWIFT transaction forwarding. Maybe it's even those after-hours fraud/card-loss centers. But all across the USA, CU customers are getting calls with spoofed caller IDs from fraudsters who know their registered phone numbers and where they bank.

I've been mulling this over for most of a month now, and one thing has really been eating at me: the way that AI is going to make this kind of problem much worse.

Not because AI is going to commit fraud, though.

One of the truest things I know about AI is: "we're nowhere near a place where bots can steal your job, we're certainly at the point where your boss can be suckered into firing you and replacing you with a bot that fails at doing your job":

https://pluralistic.net/2024/01/15/passive-income-brainworms/#four-hour-work-week

I trusted this fraudster specifically because I knew that the outsource, out-of-hours contractors my bank uses have crummy headsets, don't know how to pronounce my bank's name, and have long-ass, tedious, and pointless standardized questionnaires they run through when taking fraud reports. All of this created cover for the fraudster, whose plausibility was enhanced by the rough edges in his pitch - they didn't raise red flags.

As this kind of fraud reporting and fraud contacting is increasingly outsourced to AI, bank customers will be conditioned to dealing with semi-automated systems that make stupid mistakes, force you to repeat yourself, ask you questions they should already know the answers to, and so on. In other words, AI will groom bank customers to be phishing victims.

This is a mistake the finance sector keeps making. 15 years ago, Ben Laurie excoriated the UK banks for their "Verified By Visa" system, which validated credit card transactions by taking users to a third party site and requiring them to re-enter parts of their password there:

https://web.archive.org/web/20090331094020/http://www.links.org/?p=591

This is exactly how a phishing attack works. As Laurie pointed out, this was the banks training their customers to be phished.

I came close to getting phished again today, as it happens. I got back from Berlin on Friday and my suitcase was damaged in transit. I've been dealing with the airline, which means I've really been dealing with their third-party, outsource luggage-damage service. They have a terrible website, their emails are incoherent, and they officiously demand the same information over and over again.

This morning, I got a scam email asking me for more information to complete my damaged luggage claim. It was a terrible email, from a noreply@ email address, and it was vague, officious, and dishearteningly bureaucratic. For just a moment, my finger hovered over the phishing link, and then I looked a little closer.

On any other day, it wouldn't have had a chance. Today – right after I had my luggage wrecked, while I'm still jetlagged, and after days of dealing with my airline's terrible outsource partner – it almost worked.

So much fraud is a Swiss-cheese attack, and while companies can't close all the holes, they can stop creating new ones.

Meanwhile, I'll continue to post about it whenever I get scammed. I find the inner workings of scams to be fascinating, and it's also important to remind people that everyone is vulnerable sometimes, and scammers are willing to try endless variations until an attack lands at just the right place, at just the right time, in just the right way. If you think you can't get scammed, that makes you especially vulnerable:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/02/24/passive-income/#swiss-cheese-security

Image: Cryteria (modified) https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:HAL9000.svg

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en