#I WAS TRYING TO NOT HAVE A BREAKDOWN TO START TALKING ABT ALL THE DETAILS THAT I FOUND ON MONKEY KING'S PERSONALLITY

[layraket]

just watched The Monkey King

i have lots of thoughs. (rambling on tags)

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

What ships do you do not like?

Im saving Huskerdust for last. I have way too much shit to say.

Aside from weird illegal ones and also disgusting ones, I am a very big Sir Pentious x Cherri Bomb disliker. It couldve been good but theres like no chemistry and Cherri doesn’t seem to actually like Pentious for any reasons other than he kissed her and then exploded and also weird double penis joke. Said it before, I’ll say it again, Cherri does not need a boyfriend she needs character development. If you’re interested in more of my hatred I have this rant abt it here

Valentino x Vox is another that I hate. I feel like I don’t need to explain why but I will anyway. I know they’re technically not canon anymore, but idk how I’m supposed to enjoy a ship between two characters when one is Valentino and also knowing that it was previously canon that Valentino has shattered Vox’s screen multiple times. Honestly you can’t even be like “well the voxtagram posts arent canon anymore so he’s not abusing vox” because you’re like objectively wrong. In the first couple shots we see of Vox and Valentino together Vox has an entire glass thrown at his head. Very important detail, he nonchalantly dodges it implying that while we know this is a common occurrence for Valentino to have violent breakdowns, it is also a common occurrence for Valentino to throw things at him or try to injure him in some way. Not to mention he seems very unsurprised when Valentino takes his phone and breaks that as well. Vox is also forced to walk on eggshells around this guy with how he talks to him. There’s literally no way for it to be healthy at all.

While I love the concept of Charlie and Vaggies relationship, it’s entirely brought down by Vivzies inability to write women and her lack of care for wlw relationships. There’s a lot of good rants about this, but I have so little substance to mention on these two it’s kind of hard to talk on. Vaggie doesn’t have much character development and Charlie is just incompetent all the time in the canon show and the only interesting stuff we got was from episode 7 (very good episode btw)

Any Alastor ship ever. End.

I do not like Huskerdust a lot of the time. I don’t enjoy how the fandom does it a lot of the time because they don’t really consider the others boundaries and just are like “well they like each other now so they should kiss!” And I disagree with that very hard. For how it is in the show, the best i've seen is the little bit in episode 8 which I really do enjoy but obviously there was no build up to it really so I hardly have much to grasp and I have to do everything myself. Relationships take a long time. That goes hand in hand with my rewrite also. Angel has harassed Husk and other people multiple times and that’s not okay obviously but for some reason no one acknowledges that?? The first step of them ever getting together or even being friends for that matter is Angel apologising. I will be mentioning my fuckass rewrite again just as an example of what I’d do, so I apologise! Everything from this chunk till the end is about how my friend and I have tried to fix this dumb relationship. It’d take him a little to mention it, but for how I’ve done it with my friend he ends up going out to dinner with Husk after rewritten episode 4 events and after getting texts from Valentino he starts reflecting on how bad Valentino and other people objectifying makes him feel and has that “..shit im doing that to other people.” And they have a little talk about it where Angel apologises for acting that way and tells Husk to call him out if he started doing it again on accident.

And it's not a quick fix conversation either, they aren’t magically best friends now and they don’t suddenly start being lovey with each other, Angel doesn’t even list Husk as a friend yet in his mind and has a bit where he only lists two people as his friends. There’s also bits of rewriting where Angel is yelling at Husk and ends up getting upset to the point he indirectly hurts Husk by throwing a wine bottle at him and Husk steps on the glass while he’s walking out. They talk it out again and Angel has another small crisis about potentially starting a cycle of abuse because his own trauma is shaping how violently he reacts to minor situations. Both of them need to work on themselves before they do anything. Especially Angel when he’s developed a habit of snapping and has a mindset that he needs to physically fight any potential threat away from him and it's leading him to actually hurt people. While that isn’t the sole reason he's in hell he's still in hell he is an objectively bad person and Husk has his own problems too especially when dealing with Angel specifically, both of them have an issue of pushing blame off themselves or shaming the other in overly stressful situations even if they don’t mean to. Husk has a tendency to shame Angel for his coping mechanisms and even if he's well intentioned with his criticism he gives it in a very uncaring and harsh way and will sometimes default to saying “I didn’t actually care in the first place” even if he does. They currently are not ready to be in a relationship together by any means, but fights help them reflect on themselves and of course at least Angel is at the hotel to be a better person. Charlie talks to him often and shows him it’s okay to confide in other people but that he doesn’t need to tell someone everything and that he can keep things to himself, and then the help from Charlie leads to Angel apologising again and trying to do the same for Husk like listening to him talk about his own issues and then giving input on them or just casual banter and so on. Both of them desperately need to work on themselves and they’re trying to do it together and I think when they're ready they’ll probably the best matches for each other, but you can’t just skip over the issues, the issues are the entire point of growing, that's why they are at the hotel.

[cringelordofchaos]

HELLO FELLOW JACKSON'S DIARY FAN

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR A FEW OF MY THEORIES FOR JD? Yeah you do.

Please tell me your thoughts. 1) S1 E1 started with Jackson's dream, S2 E1 started with Exer's dream, so S3 E1 might start with David's dream, or maybe someone else's. 2) Throughout S2, Timothy got a few close-ups, so he might play a bigger role in S3. 3) Since we're pretty sure Lucy-furr was created by the diary, it's possible that she already had powers before getting hit with Exer's lightning bolt.It would also explain why she wasn't hurt by Exer's bolt, maybe having the powers means she isn't affected by his? Then again, Exer would get electrocuted so idk. 4) Harry has seen the doodle of Lucy right before she was taken by Exer, he's also read through most of the diary. He might start realizing that Jackson and Exer are connected by it in S3. 5) Marco (Pamela's older brother) is mentioned to have had terrible experiences from high school, so we might get a backstory for him 6) now that Jackson somewhat understands how the diary works, do you think he'll get revenge on Exer for all of the bullying? Would he give himself magic? There are so many things he could do with it now, but I hope he tells someone (probably Pamela or the detention kids) about it first. SORRY FOR THE LONG ASK, I JUST DON'T KNOW MANY OTHER JD FANS AHDFKAJDHFKAH

HELLO

im sorta outta my jd obsession for now but I'll definitely return in a bit

I think that makes sense, but I am also not exactly sure of it? Cuz I feel like the focus has always been on more Exer and Jackson rather than anyone else bc they both specifically have smth to do w magic. (Jackson is the only one who can see it and was directly attacked by it, Exer creates the magic, you get it?) Though it would make sense for him to take more center. I say all this cuz him having a dream at the start of a season would imply that HE would get more attention that season (like Exer w season 2) sorry if none of what I had said made any sense

That would be cool !!!

Oh that actually makes sense? It could also be that Jackson simply created a normal cat, and then it was given magic, but that seems pretty plausible

Exers dad has got to find that detail out at one point, even though it would traumatize him to death and back he would then probably find out more details abt how it affected Exer and what he could've goje through

Oh that would also be cool! Though he doesn't seem to have much of a role besides being Pamela's Cool Older Brother with occasionally advice to give to her, it would be nice to get more out of his character

THIS SHIT. I'VE BEEN THINKING ABT IT AND. IDK. I think it's a bit more probable that he just stops using the diary all together or experiments a bit and he'll probably have multiple breakdowns over it. HOPEFULLYYYY He talks to someone about it. Maybe he'll try to get an absolute confirmation from Exer to see if he's actually dating David first though I'm not sure if he would directly ask it. Maybe. Just maybe he would feel a bit guilty? Or fulfilled ?? Knowing that Exer DID feel the same pain Jackson did ?? Like Jackson wished for during one therapy session??

FELL FREE RO ASK MORE QUESTIONS SORRY I RUSHED THE ASK ANSWER

[milgramimaginesblog]

Muu discussion

I was going back and reading the tls for the first trial voice dramas and?? Theres a lot we didn't see in Muu's one, or we just overlooked. (spoilers for second voice drama if you hadn't read the tls yet)

Cos like around 3:54, we hear how when Muu says "I did kill them" she says it in a low voice? That, in my own interpretation, had a bit of resentment behind it? Before she goes back to that 'innocent and did no wrong' attitude.

I would've understood the resentment behind her words If we just looked only at her first MV, but with the second trial MV and Voice drama out, I truly believe that her words only held resentment towards her Victim (Rei chan??) because she made Muu lose everything she worked so hard for/gained.

And in her first MV, if we take the line "My sorry spells must be wearing off" with this scene in mind:

(sorry for the low quality)

I believe it's the scene where Muu confronted Rei about it all. Begging forgiveness, crying a lot just like how we see in the first trial voice drama, and just... Yeah 💀 and when Rei didn't forgive her, ykw she did!!!

But heres the thing: Muu says in her first trial that "As of now, I don't have a clear memory of what happened after I did it." but if we go over to the second MV of hers, to the part of her 'breakdown'

1:44 ⎯ we see how she reacted after her murder, or after she committed it. ITS LIKE?? Hysterical and ofc crazy, but I feel like she's relieved after doing it??

And going back to the first voice drama, in 9:07, we see Muu acting or trying to act like how her followers did back then?? Just assuming this part tho.

however, 9:27, is what I believe made Muu want to look beautiful and pretty though?? If it's eye catching to Es and to us, she must've thought we'd forgive her. 'cause in Yuno's second voice drama, she mentions after extracting the song (or after Es had gone to sleep, ?? Don't remember sorry) she heard us talking and discussing the verdict for her, and in Futa's it's confirmed he also heard the same thing at around the same time...

So if we assume Muu had started hearing our voices around the time her first MV released, then maybe what we've discussed, as well as what Es has told her... greatly affected her to the point she's acting like this now. "Not my fault" cos we truly believed it wasn't her fault.

And i also like that in the first voice drama, the way Es started having a panic attack(?) and pushed Muu away, she started victimising herself?? Small detail but it's interesting to see after now knowing everything. AND ENTIRELY OFF TOPIC ABT THIS WHOLE RANT ... THE WAY JACKALOPE CAME TO CHECK ON ES IS CUTE STOPDO IMS 😭

anyways back to the rant, love how Es pointed out that after Muu cries she quickly switches up?? Laughing at how silly Es is for talking to jackalope.

14:39, "good-for-nothing police" 🤨 im telling you IM TELLING YOU!!! THERE WERE SO MANY SIGNS WE OVERLOOKED HERE.

16:12, 💀 GIRLKOFMDNCDD GIRL!!! WHAT THE FUCK . SEE THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO LOOK INTO THE VOICE DRAMAS MORE BEFORE VOTING ISTG even Es surprised . girl . girl we fucked UP

ONE LAST DETAIL I NEED TO TALK ABT... is the voice dramas name, the first one is "Crying B" which was... odd at first ngl, but then the second drama was named "Queen B"... HOW TF DID WE NOT MAKE THIS CONNECTION IM LOSING MY MIND

MAN IVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT MUU THE MOST HERE IN #☆MILGRAMDiscussions BUT ITS SO??? INTERESTING TO ME HOW WE WERE SO EASILY TRICKED INTO FORGIVING HER.

[izzy-b-hands]

Ongoing PTSD breakdown trauma stuff below the cut, pls ignore, just need to spew it somewhere that like. I know my feelings will be safe to have and type up and whatever. Also, sorta? mild our flag spoilers under the cut bc my brain is a mess and I use characters I love to help metaphor out and explain my own shit so. yeah. that's also a thing here.

Motherfucking random traumatic memory abt Mum fucking. Randomly hitting me while I'm writing fic (for no apparent reason, no idea what triggered my brain to throw this at me when I WAS NEARLY DONE WITH THE FUCKING FIC NO LESS)

So goddamn rude. I'm off my track on the fic now, so I'm setting it aside for the night (we have Ren Faire today (it literally just hit midnight lol), but after that I want to get back to it) and realising I should really write this memory down.

Like. all of the little details about it, the bits of Mum and I and our relationship surrounding it. Both because my brain does tend to shutter some of those things away and makes them hard to get to without it being stupid lengthy a process involving talking out every feeling I'm having with someone else(unless it pulls some shit like tonight, then suddenly it's no fucking problem throwing it all over the place apparently) and because like

I don't know if I could say this one out loud to anyone, but I think I should. Probably a therapist, but it's one of those stupid trauma things of you just Want Someone, Anyone To Know, Now. To acknowledge it and say if it was as fucked up as it feels (bc I will never deny the possibility that I'm being dramatic and it isn't, and I should just. chill the fuck out about it.)

But every time I start trying to type it out I get hit with this wave of a physical response where my arms and wrists and fingers feel like they're clenching up and I Can't type it. And there's a part of me that doesn't want to because if I can see it in letters on a page, then it's real. It's real and it happened and maybe it was as fucked up as it feels like it was and if that's all true then like. it fits with everything else about our relationship that's already fucked up, from the severe (better than it used to be, but I'm sure it's very clear to y'all that it's still Not Good even though I've moved away from her) co-dependence to the emotional incest (fun fact: that term feels like a gut punch every time I hear it, and I've heard it from my therapist more than a few times now over the past 9ish years of treatment.) So I shouldn't be shocked by that or like, upset, right?

Yet I'm here typing this out to put off typing it up, and I'd bet money I don't necessarily have that I'll wind up putting my laptop away, showering, and going to bed without getting it typed. For better or for worse.

Part of the reason I worry so much abt Frenchie this season (aside from that I love him and he's one of my faves and I want nothing but good and happy for him) is because I also subscribe to his 'shove all the fucked up shit you've seen/experienced in a box in your mind and just. Never open it unless you're putting more in there' method of coping (have all my life, it was so weirdly validating to see it onscreen like that explained so plainly) and like. This is me when the box somehow pops open when I didn't mean it to, and I both want Frenchie to be able to process the things that have happened to him but also don't want to see a character I love so much hurt like this. Because it feels like a big stupid gaping open wound in my chest that I'm being entirely too dramatic about, no matter how valid feeling that way abt it might be.

Kind of hope I can just shut the lid on the box so I can get done and go to sleep after I post this. Should I actually type out the memory and everything? I hate to think that the answer my therapist would have given me, if I could afford to be seeing her rn, would be yes. But the thing is, I have fucking Ren Faire tomorrow in my Izzy cosplay (that Housemate says I look good in, which I'll vainly admit I'm rather happy about, even if it is a very inaccurate and homemade cosplay that's missing certain details I can't yet afford to buy), and I don't want to be dealing with any of this for the rest of the night/into tomorrow. I need to sleep so I can go have some fucking fun, for once. I even feel ok to bring my cane with folded in my bag, just in case I need it, bc that would still be in character if I wind up needing to use it. I can count on one hand the times I've had a fun experience where I also felt safe admitting when my body was hurting and using a physical aid to help it get by; I'm not losing this one.

It's not getting typed out, and I need to duct tape that fucking box shut for now.

[innocencelives]

talking to myself: Growth and a Paralyzing Crossroads

i think i am uncomfortable with stability.

last few days i cant stop thinking about how far ive come! unbelievable, truly-i cant believe it. from years i spent not with one friend, not a single one. total recluse, couldnt leave the house, scared of every human, never hung out with anyone because i just had not a single friend.

now i wake up everyday to dms from 10 different friends!! i used to sink into such a depression, a spiral of loneliness and self hatred and paranoia when someone didnt respond to me. now i try so hard to have the energy to respond to all my friends! i even find myself, actually telling myself that i COULD be mean if i were that person haha. knowing that people actually look up to me, people admire me from afar, people think im so fucking cool what the FUCK. and yet i still look in the mirror, and barely recognize that person, wearied, scarred, and battered.

obviously it……was maybe a month ago i was suicidal, convinced beyond a reasonable doubt that my life is a cruel joke made to subject an individual to the most brutal emotional agony imaginable… emotional impermanence. every emotion is all encompassing, i get lost in my head so easily.

ive started to tell people i have brain damage. it started as a joke, it sort of still is, but how better to explain the way trauma has left me so dysfunctional? forgetting everything, needing help with everything, missing social cues, using a shower chair haha. need help lifting everything, say so many things i dont mean. no shower in the last 6 months…yikes. brain damage is a perfect euphemism, i just dont work properly. im just in a mental wheelchair.

its okay, its who i am, its my life story, proof i made it out.

—

in the last hour i messed up. i had a chance to go to sleep at 4am, so early for me! oy. but i think, i think i felt uncomfortable at how semi-normal things have been. good friends, i actually cleaned! and kinda liked it???? thinking abt how loved i am, and how i have the potential for such peace in my future. so what did i do? i sabotaged it.

this is..too far from my abuse. too moved on, no breakdown recently. friends? that doesnt satisfyingly imply how wretched my abuse was. i suppose i felt fearful i would lose my status as a living, breathing, testament to the capability of incest to destroy ones entirely life and psyche. who am i if not living proof? the only proof, the only one who can say what he did. the only one to remember it, the only family member to believe it. maybe i think im, some kind of missionary, i bear the responsibility to pass my tale down to whoever will listen.

maybe its just the lack of closure. i mean, i still think abt it constantly, still am very broken, still was recently suicidal, but even a brief respite felt uncomfy.

so i went and read vicious, graphic depictions of unresolved abuse cases. then tried to masturbate to the idea my abuse was consensual.

oh this took a turn…healing is non linear, so so so so so incredibly erratic. i try to understand it, i try so hard, to connect to what happened to me. to break my numbness, to provoke this emotional self harm and pray it leads to catharsis. but it doesnt always. sometimes it just. hurts

7am now.

ah i feel it burning under my skin. the abuse, tangible, true, intoxicating in its truth. it burns, it aches, it yearns to be heard. i want to tell them all, i want everyone to know. i want to forget my whole childhood, but i also want to be the messenger, i want to keep the flame of my suffering burning. people must know, they must know how bad it was. anhedonia, rape, homelesness, a world branding me worthless, an extended family choosing a pedophile over me. they all must know. everyone should have it weigh on their concious. not just my family, everyone! everyone who exalts life should know the terrors some of us experience—describe it in seething, heart shattering detail. if you know life the way i know it, you should scream it from the rooftops. you should make the uninitiated bear the burden of knowing. it was comically, surreally unfair. a crime against everything we love about this world. the injustices that exist, the parallel realities we inhabit, they all must know.

im wrestling, fighting with the life i have, the life i had, and the life i want. i dont know how to reconcile them. im being pulled in so many directions. maybe im at a crossroads, 10 years since i understood the abuse. i dont know where to go from here. i dont know what i want to be. do i want it to consume me? do i want to leave it behind? its not forgetting, but its not a burden. whats between those two.

holding.

[voidandradiance]

just in general i think jordan is So Normal abt other people who speak the language once he gets home from the isles. tom is great and all but only knows a few specific phrases that jordan taught him for specific purposes (same as jordan does for the dianitee language) and doesn't Know things like someone fluent would. tom can't really talk about the fine details of shit like gender expression or really Understand the nuances of pronouns in a language where he doesn't even know all the cases. and then isles ianite didn't really want to give him the time of day, much less care enough to have in depth conversations about much of anything. nobody else really Gets it when jordan tries to explain things, bc they literally don't know the words, so he's left trying to explain in vague ramblings that he's in the vaguely masculine soup but with extra spices about it. other ianitees get it immediately, but they aren't there, because he's almost perpetually alone.

and like. the gender is a good example of it but oh god there is so much that jordan just CANNOT communicate to people without So Much Explanation, which he usually not in any state to give when it comes to it, because if he's talking about loyalty or vengeance then it usually means that he is about to start stabbing. there are more immediate practical concerns (how many ways can he injure lieutenant al before the bastard loses consciousness, for example.)

anyway. he gets home and gets back to other ianitees and totally for sure does not have multiple sobbing breakdowns about people actually understanding what the fuck he's on about. haha :)

ianitee language pronouns go brrrrr. jordan has Bonus Secret Gender that literally like two people know about or understand. there's a vaguely awkward ianitee brunch once he gets home and andor uses his Bonus Secret Pronouns that he figured out in ruxomar and redbeard just gives him a thumbs up and picks them up for him too. jordan is for sure normal and does not cry into his french toast.

[lesbicastagna]

for no reasons at all (bored in class) im going to finally disclose in more clear detail what caused my great summer 22 breakdown

for this to work i need to set the scene a little. on excavations its very easy to get really close with people really quick. First because you work together. But then when youre done with the 8ish hours of work, you all live together in the same place so you essentially work eat and sleep together, also often in very spartan places so the spaces are Very shared.

For This excavation we were there 4 weeks. We were staying in an old kindergarten. 15/20 young adults (from 20 to 30 year more or less). The professor did Not stay with us (he was barely there on the work itself).

detail. he was close friends with another girl. Lets say shes A. they worked together before and they were on the same wavelength. me and her never worked in the same area, we got along but she wasnt in my closest circle lets say. That being said. we've had a..variety of moments. I liked her but i didnt have any projects to try anything Romantic for a lot of reasons. But she was..fond? of me. so we were kinda in this treshold.

The first 2 weeks i worked at the tower where the guy in question, lets call him C, also worked. I did not like him at all first impression he seemed like the worst type of guy you can find on excavations: obsessed, full of himself, generally weird not in the fun sense. im not above being superficial and saying that i didnt like him bc he was blond also....god forbid.

He actually turned out to be great! He was not full of himself and his obsession most of the time was genuine passion for the job, that he was very happy to share and i love people who can talk your ear off about topics, especially since it was my first medieval excavation so i didnt really know shit abt it. He had a variety of hobbies, most interestingly he worked with metals, in true medievalhead fashion he could do from jewelry to swords all by himself. All this being said i generally liked the guy (even if he was a workaholic and im. not. so we often argued on the job) but i didnt much of it. We share some interests in the sense that i can, obviously, talk about history and literature and poetry so we would often discuss also archeology obv (not by ourselves often with the others obviously you are Rarely alone with only one unless you like shower together and even then ive had showers with other 4 ppl so). But you have to understand again that i could say equally interesting and praising things about most of the people working with me: you just get to know eachother very quickly and very deeply!

SO. last night of the excavation. We did a big celebration dinner we ate and drank a lot and had a lot of fun generally. on this dinner we also talked a lot and its when i talked for 20 minutes with her abt literature (C was next to us too and at one point he lit my cigarette very homosexually like with his own sorry this is random i was. intoxicated so i remember bits and pieces from here).

At one point we go back to the school where we slept. We kept drinking and playing there and obviously started smoking weed at one point bc we are university students. From now on my recollection is kind of sparce because usually i hold my ground pretty well but with the food and the alcohol and Everything i got. Very high. Also it was like 4am and i hadnt slept. We finish smoking and the energy is winding down by now. We were in one of the shared rooms (not the one where i slept) on A's matress. Dont ask. I was very chill just laying there being silly.

I Cant...explain why i knew what it was supposed to be. Probably exactly why he chose to give me something like this. We did talk about christian literature and the gospels but not Specifically you know. To this day i cant say how he nailed it so well. So im like. Stopping him. C. are these supposed to be judas' pieces of silver? The ones he sold jesus for? And hes like. Yeah.

After a couple minutes C gets up and asks if he can talk to me. AGAIN i was Very chill, in general and with him too, so i didnt think much of it. This is a huge L for me tbh i considered myself good at understanding when men are interested in me and in damage control but alas.

We go out back, theres a little garden facing the hills so its very dark. I crack a joke i dont remember what but by his response i understand somethings is About To Go Down. Im in disbelief. He puts something in my hand, i feel fabric and the sound of metal clinking together but i cant see what it is. The situation is so surreal i keep being sarcastic. I feel around the little bag and im like: is there. Beer caps in here? Hes obviously very anxious despite also being very intoxicated. He starts explaining me how he worked on the gift. He collected beer caps and flattened them and put them in some solution to get the plastic color and logos off. he also made the satchel but i dont remember where he took the scraps fabric from. i dont remember probably bc as he was saying this i opened the bag and tried to look at the caps and as soon as i saw them i knew.

I dont remember how i got myself out of the tension i probably laughed hysterically because like. Come On. He started talking again and he was very obviously confessing. He complimented me, not my looks but my wits, how thoughtful i was despite initially coming off as abrasive. It was a very sweet and honest speech and to this day it haunts me in virtue of being one of the few confessions that did not mention my looks in any way. I immediately ruined it by being too high to have any tact and answering with, now infamous among my friends: ahah its because im a scorpio!

Curtains drawn, no applause. I think at that point one of the girls who slept in my room came looking for me and called me to bed. I thanked him profusely bc i was genuinely grateful but then i just went to my room. I didnt sleep. 5 minutes later it hit me: the coins, the garden. He wanted it to end in a judas' kiss. I was positively in a nervous fit by now and the only thing that helped was that everyone else in the room was Out but i definitely stayed up bent in half by guilt and anxiety all night. I heard him and A talk in the kitchen (it connected my room to theirs) but i couldn't make out the words.

Next morning we are closing site so we still Have to work. I try to distract myself and i wait for a moment where i can be with him alone because i wanted to apologize for my lack of tact in what was essentially a rejection. Hes very much avoiding me. Understandable. But im still very upset. I try to talk to A. I'm like. Im so sorry, but im not...into men? (i had talked abt being interested in women the weeks before so it wasnt a secret. its just not my style to come out as a lesbian formally). A was like "well it cant be helped then. He was kinda expecting the rejection dont worry. But im a little sad..i think you would have been great for him" WHATEVER? i was just so defeated at that point i was like.....alright. This girl i swear i was so smitten for her i just wasnt thinking straight because after all this she was like. Are you coming to my house with the others after we close today? We are going to a medieval fair tonight and you can all sleep over at my house my family isnt home. And i was like. Of Course im driving 2 hours to your fucking house and staying another day with this group where the boy i rejected also is!

I was just. Completely out of it by this point. I was on 2 hours of sleep still reeling from the night and with the exhaustion of 4 weeks of physical labour on my mind i was just. Out of touch. We close and i drive to her house. We were a smaller group at this point obv so we were like 8 ppl or smth. I will Not. Start with all the moments me and her had while i was at her house. Its just pathetic honestly. Me and C still were avoiding to be alone. I had too much on my mind.

We went to the fair. I managed to have fun, i was actually very excited to be there it was good. We ate there. I remember a moment of lucidity when we were sitting at the table (drinking again. I had to drive too idk what i was doing) and i was sitting between A and C and I was just like. There is no way this is happening. I fell off the excavation hill and im dying and my synapses are firing off. Understand i was at a medieval fair in this castle town with everyone dressed in period clothing and playing pretend. This requires more lore of my mindset but its not that hard to See Why i thought it was all a fabrication of my mind like im don chisciotte and ive read one epic too many.

We go back to her house. I dont remember much from the evening. I wake up the next day and finally get C alone. I apologize, i remember my frustration in trying to make him understand how i was feeling. He seemed ok enough.

We said our goodbyes and i had to drive all the way back home. Long story short i had a breakdown over not having enough gas to get home despite it being a completely solvable problem and i called my mom in tears crying how i was stupid and shitty and she was just like. Anna just fill the damn tank at a gas station. She witnessed the best of me that month.

[cttrajan1206]

#arrow sys#Love them#Absolute sweethearts all of em#And suoer fun to sprint with

FIRST OF ALL SOBS /pos

second,,, i know nothing abt twst or obey me but grabby hands at a ramble; i will absolutely listen if you wanted to talk about it :starry:

JSHDJF [WAILS ALOUD] I TOOK SO LONG SO GET BACK TO YOU THAT I FINISHED ONE OF THE WIPS IN THAT TIME LMAO!!

Well!! This is good promo! :> The one that i was typing up is finished now and it's the obey me fic! You can find it here:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33644662

Mammon and Movies:

Basically! Someone read another fic of mine that included my self insert flappy stimming and also getting mental breakdown so it asked if i could include a couple other stims in another work since he enjoyed my first one! I. Took that request and made an entire fic dedicated to him lmao. So! I asked it later on for what it would like me to include and which character to use and here we are!

This is a 4K fic of Mammon from Obey Me paired with a Neurodivergent!Reader. The plot is that of him showing you a magic trick and smoothly whipping out a movie ticket!! You've been wanting to ask him to see a movie with you for a while so this is perfect! So perfect in fact that you're overwhelmed with happiness and have a brief moment of being nonverbal as you're overwhelmed with euphoria. Then the next day, you meet him at the venue and the date begins! Other scenes include him allowing you to hold onto his bracelets as it's one of your stims (he wears one of every texture to accomodate to your tastes), you dissociating out of anxiety in a movie theatre and him helping to ground you, and finally! Him sleeping on your shoulder before the movie ends.

Ik i kinda just said the majority of the plot lmao but! Its just a fluffy and sweet movie date! I enjoyed writing it a lot although i got about 80% of it done a month ago and tyn didn't touch it for like 2 weeks sjdbsjd i was p sad abt that. I like finishing things quickly esp when its for other people!! But it was a comfort during a hard time to write this work at 2am under the light of a night lamp and to the tune of street life ambience.

ALSO I FOUND OUT THAT MAMMONS OFFICIAL SONG "ARE YOU READY" LEGIT HAS NO HOURLONG LOOPS AND THAT WAS A HARD HIT TO ME BC LIKE I WANTED TO LISTEN TO IT ON TV BUT IT WASNT HAPPENINGGG TWT WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE ALL THE OTHER OTHER BROTHER'S SONGS INSTEAD LIKE PLSSS

Anyway lmao i'm quite happy with this work, it feels very round and finished to me which makes me happy because it means I didn't need to worry about editing it to feel satisfied. The requester liked it a lot too! Which made me super super happy. :>

Now!! For the twisted wonderland!! That’s a comfort plotline of mine that doesn’t really have a title yet and is still a wip that is written through my friend’s DMs BUT! I will also take the time to promo my twst writing blog! It is dead QvQ On there, you can see a bit more about the self insert in question but for now, i’ll just put the ship name as the title.

https://twst-sumi-squad.tumblr.com/

Kalim Al-Asim X Sumi Bint Khattar (Plot line):

So!! This one stemmed from me drawing something out of self indulgence and to show it to my friend, I described Sumi B in full and then I told them about my ships and around that time I had like five love songs I was obsessed with. And for each of them. I had. A separate animatic. For like at least 1 ship, the average was two but one had three. Sumi B was the centre of the most ships but not the only one. Anyway!! I told my friend about this and asked if I could dump my ideas onto them! They agreed and I started with a summarised version but then realised I needed a bit more build up so I started to write it in a bit more detail. Hah. It ended up being a Lot More Detailed but even then, I would write the scenes in a much more fluid and descriptive way if it were Real Writing so! I call it a Plotline. It is very long.

The plot itself is. long now. it’s a slowburn lmao because most if not all of my self insert ships tend to be slowburns. But this one? This particular self insert? Sumi B? Yeah she’s the only one with trust issues so she mothers the BIGGEST slowburns known to history. It takes them a year before she even considers him a friend despite seeing him every day and also having multiple deep conversations with him. Anyway though, this one is a big comfort becuase it has something I didn’t really dare to do before. Kalim, the canon character, falls in love with my oc first. Normally I have it the other way round becuase I’m too scared to assume that I would be like, deserving or like desirable enough for someone to have a crush on me. But with Sumi B, even I have a goddamn crush on her lmao. I indulge myself a bit with this one and really play around with emotions and!! In the most recent scene! We have finally reached the part where she actually starts to love him back! :D

I started this one a loooong time ago, at least a month and maybe two? It was Intended to be finsiehd in one night and then i got carried away and my friend got invested and then I ALSO got invested and so I started to develop the plot further so make it more interesting and keep the buildup going. It’s very fun and though i try to limit myself to summarising actions and dialogue, i fail. very often. so it often has little tidbits of more beautiful sentences and tension lmao. 

This particular fic is based off of my imagined animatic for the song “Would you be so kind” by Dodie! I didn’t know about the song until i saw other people’s animatics and I ended up taking it and running away haha! I’m currently really happy with it however I am really dreading the day where I actually write it out properly. If I don’t? I don’t know. Maybe I’ll post the plotline by itself. I have another fic just like it, one with a different self insert who (in fact) is very very close with Sumi B and considers her his older sister, that i ALSO wrote in semi detailed plot lines in someone’s DMs. Both are massive comforts to me and though i love them, their plot lines are so goddamn long that i will dread the day i decide to write them all out.

So uhm!!! Yeah!! XDD Those are the two fics I was talking about! I hope you enjoyed my small ramblings about them haha. I’m starting college soon though so I fear I might have much more time for fanfic.

[sashannarcy]

new ml broke u??? haha that’s crazy u should talk abt it 👉👈

I'm just gonna b clear in saying that this is the first ML ep I've watched in over a year, probably even longer than that but I can't remember. I have no idea what's going on w Adrigami or Lukanette (I mean obv I know now that they broke up), no idea why Marinette is the Guardian now, no idea where all these other kwamis came from, no idea why Hawk Moth.. looks like that????? so I must admit I am a BIT lost but luckily that didn't get in the way of me understanding this episode

BUT. I love Marinette Dupain-Cheng. I love her a lot. I think her character is extremely interesting and I wish the show would get into it more deeply other than just focusing on her romantic problems, so I cannot tell u how THRILLED I am that this episode occurred. at this point I'm probably gonna start watching the show again just for her (ngl I've kinda stopped being into the ships for the most part) bc if we can get more writing like what happened in Gang of Secrets then that's enough for me

SO ANYWAY. um!!!! holy fucking shit!!! after sitting thru three seasons of the plot not rlly taking off I was THOROUGHLY unprepared for that fucking identity reveal and yet they handled it so well... people who are upset that it wasn't to Adrien/Cat Noir.. I mean come on. I think Alya is literally the best person for Marinette to reveal herself to first, they have such a solid friendship and god it will be so good for Marinette to have someone to lean on now... I know I make everything angsty but seriously Marinette's character has always made me sad bc I KNOW that girl is going thru a fuck ton of shit and having to keep such a huge part of herself completely hidden from everyone just weighs her down. we saw her in this episode basically say she was unlovable!!!! that she's not allowed to have a love story!!! that she only sees herself useful as Ladybug, that she can't feel close to anyone anymore.. I have been WAITING to see her have a breakdown over this and FINALLY I GOT THE CONTENT I WANTED TO FUCKING SEE... some of the lines exchanged between her and Alya at the end were SO unexpectedly raw too like "we always have a choice, Marinette" "no, not for me. I've got no choices left" and "it's too heavy to carry" "if it's too heavy we'll carry it together" LIKE HELLO. HELLO? everyone SHUT the FUCK up I was tearing up bc there was just so much!!! coming out into the open!! and the voice acting on Marinette's part was so good just. UGH

and don't even get me started on Alya, holy shit, the way she stayed behind to talk to Marinette at the end bc she just KNEW smth was up, the way she kept a hand on her shoulder p much the whole time, the way she was paying complete and absolute attention to Marinette w/o trying to figure out what the hell she was talking abt, just trying to help her w/o pushing for details, fuck even the way she was just looking at her the whole time she was just SO concerned... and then when Marinette finally reveals herself as Ladybug she just. hugs her, no questions asked, like she just. gets it. she's such a good friend I am so so unbelievably glad she's the first to know. and I really do want to see them grow from here, I want to see Marinette be able to lean on Alya and finally finally have someone that she can be completely transparent with, I'm crossing my fingers that the writers know what they're doing because I want to see more shit like this. this episode was just. so well-handled. thank you for coming to my ted talk I'm literally insane

[aspoonofsugar]

Alternative Reality Asks

Hello anons and hello @reene7890,

All your asks/comments can be answered in a single post.

In short, what Mikasa saw is probably an alternative reality either Eren or Ymir shared it with her through paths.

This is why both Eren and Mikasa saw it:

That said, in the end I do not think it really matters.

These are just my two cents on the whole time-travel aspect of snk.

Of course I might be wrong and next chapter might have a huge plot-twist that shocks us all and changes the whole plot. Still, as for now, this is how I feel.

So far the time-travel aspect of the series has not been relevant plot-wise (at least not in the way it is in time-travel centered stories) and has mostly been thematically enriching and used to give us a deeper understanding of the characters. In a sense, it made the characters more complex.

When it comes to worldbuilding, it is one of the many aspects of the power of paths. All Eldians are linked through time and space thanks to them, after all.

The paths have many powers which manifest in different ways. For example, last chapter dead people managed to briefly come back to help the Alliance.

This chapter, the paths have made possible for Mikasa to see a part of an alternative present/future. Similarly, in the very first chapter Eren saw that same specific possible future.

We might have a more detailed explanation next chapter, but as @aotopmha said here, I do not really think it will be something overly complicated. I think it will mostly be something simple that will not really change the overall plot, but will enrich it thematically. For example, the theory in the post kinda works for me. Ymir/Eren trying to break a loop by experiencing different realities to succeed in the end does not really change the story we have just seen, especially if Eren did not really have memories of it.

It does not change Eren’s massacre being wrong, especially because we have seen the psychologial state he was in when he made it. We saw it was not for a great scheme, but that it was him dissociating. It would not change that in the end the people who saved the world were Armin and Mikasa and that they did so through their choices that were different from Eren’s. It would not change that probably in almost every time-line Eren would not be able to overcome his self-hate and his flaw.

At the same time, for Mikasa what she experienced is and will always remain a dream. In the end it is not what she chose. It is a reality that could have happened if she had chosen differently. Still, it did not happen in the story.

We all as individuals, even without time-travel or different realities, can potentially imagine different possible future selves. And these future selves might have been born if we had taken different choices in key moments of our lives. If I had studied medicine... I would be a doctor right now. I am not, but this does not mean it was impossible to begin with.

For Mikasa, it is the same. She sees a reality that we know it is an alternative reality because we saw Eren seeing it too. Still, Mikasa is experiencing it as a dream. She might never know that was an actual alternative reality she in a sense has experienced and lived. She probably knows this unconsciously, but rationally, it might be left ambiguous.

In the meta I refer to it as a dream precisely because of this and also because it is the realization of Mikasa’s childhood dream. And even in the chapter it is something linked to Mikasa’s personal wish:

She does not see a random alternative reality, but a reality linked to a wish (go back to her home with Eren) and to a regret (what would have happened if she had chosen differently?).

We as people can only imagine different futures, while Mikasa who is in a world where alternative realities exist is given the chance to briefly experience one. And she experiences a reality specifically important for her because it is the reality where she got what she wanted. And she still realizes that even in that case she can’t save Eren.

Let me clarify what I mean when I say that I think time-travel and different realities are used in the series to enrich characters and themes and not really to create structural plot-twist. I’ll try doing so using this chapter.

Mikasa seeing the alternative reality does not let her change the past and does not let her change the future. So, time-travel has no repercussion in the overal events of the story.

What is more, it was really not necessary for Mikasa to see an alternative reality for her to arrive to the choice of killing Eren. In terms of writing Mikasa could have easily come at the same conclusion in a different way. In fact, I think different people had different headcanons about this moment.

Even the first panel:

In the end, it is revealed to simply be an image from a different reality, not even from the reality we are reading the story of. If the loop-theory is correct, it might simply be the conclusive panel of a story that happened before ours. It does not really change what we are reading.

The same goes for the other instances where time travel was used.

Eren convincing his father to kill the Reiss Family is important for his, Zeke and Grisha’s characters. It changes their dynamic making it more complicated. It is also important for Zeke’s arc and character. Still, it does not change what we already know aka... The Reiss Family is killed by Grisha. We discover an ulterior layer to Grisha’s motivation. We also discover Eren’s role in it and how much he has spiralled. Still, the event itself does not change.

Similarly, Eren seeing the Rumbling is important for his psychology I think because we can see him struggling with this idea and partially being consumed by it. Still, in the end it is still Eren’s choice to start it. Other options were still possible and this chapter’s alternative reality proves exactly this.

And it is in this that the time travel aspect of snk works imo. It is enriching thematically. It is enriching thematically because it is used to explore the theme of freedom aka the main theme.

It shows how Eren seeing the future does not make him freer, but a slave of a specific vision he saw.

It shows the fine line between destiny and choices, like in this chapter.

It shows that different realities are born by different choices, even if some factors are meant to remain. It also shows how every reality has within itself different burdens.

Finally, to answer to the anons who asked abt the reality where Eren and Mikasa ran away and its contradictions... I think it is important to remember it is just one among different realities. It is the specific reality Mikasa saw because it is important for her to see it.

Still, other versions were possible too.

As I have written in the meta, a reality where the conflict between Marley and Paradis had developed differently would have probably needed Armin making different choices because thematically he is the character mostly linked to the outside world.

So yeah, there is a reality where Mikasa and Eren choose to leave Armin behind. In the actual story, Eren left both Mikasa and Armin behind, despite clearly loving them, so I do not think it is that surprising that in another reality Mikasa chooses to stay with Eren and to avoid war.

It is implied that in this reality Mikasa conveyed her love to Eren and that Eren opened up to her about the Rumbling. Once she knew about it, Mikasa must have convinced him to give up on this plan and to simply live in peace. Eren was clearly very close to a breakdown when she talked with Mikasa in Marley. He had decided to spare Historia a life as a breeding stock by destroying the world.

Mikasa makes him give up this plan, but Eren can’t still accept the alternative plan, which is about keeping the power of the Rumbling and pass it down from a generation to another forcing Historia and her children to become Titans. This is why they run away in this reality.

Eren says so himself:

He could not choose.

In our story Eren sacrificed the world and humanity for Paradis and Historia (and we see mixed results because Paradis was turning in a dictatorship, many people still died and Historia was still miserable).

In Mikasa’s alternative reality Mikasa and Eren sacrificed Paradis for Histora and humanity.

That said, this does not mean there are not other realities where Mikasa, Eren, Armin and others characters made different choices.

Finally about Mikasa choosing to say “See you later” instead “Goodbye” or something different, I think it is better to ask someone who knows Japanese because the expression translated as see you later might have a different nuance in Japanese. Anyway, I think the context makes pretty clear Mikasa is saying farwell to Eren.

I hope this was clear enough :)

Thank you for the asks!

[tscmu]

Some headcanons for the Hq boys and how they propose to their s/o?

HI YES THIS IS THE KIND OF STUFF I LOVE WRITING ABOUT PLS okay so u didnt really specify which boys so im gonna go for ones that i can picture proposing that sounded weird ok-

characters; koushi sugawara, satori tendou, kenma kozume, osamu miya + tooru oikawa oK LETS GO

koushi sugawara

- pls he’d make it so heartfelt and meaningful HHH I LOVE HIM~ - he’d want to make you feel how much he loved you, like actually feel it in your heart - i feel like he’d tell a FEW people, probably only get daichi to help AHAHAH - bruh asahi would probably have a mental breakdown and tanaka would snitch💔💔 - but he’d have an idea of what you both wanted i think, you wouldve spoken it over before defos - he’d want it to not be that public, just the two of you - so it’d be at like a hiking trail you both go on or something, a place that means loads to both of you but isn’t there for the world to see - and then...…came the day - he knew how much you picked up on little details so he had to be sneak sneak ten thousand™ - “hey, wanna go out on that one walk up *insert name of place idk*? ok ok ok i’ll get ur coat sugar” - EEEEEEEEEEE - he was trying his absolute best to keep it together - he knew you’d most likely say yes, so he wasn’t TOO scared, but it was still SCARY LIKE- - and then u got to the place he wanted to propose - it was this place where you always stopped, where there was a little bench (with your initials STILL carved into it from all those years ago) and it looked out over a nice view - “ooh, can we stop here again!” “u-huh i was actually gonna ask-” - bro he almost forgot the speech daichi read over to him about 20 times - but HE DID IT WOOOO - he didn’t want to make a MASSIVE deal out of it, the wedding would be more important to him but he still wanted to make you know how much he adored you - speech included lots of memories dating even back to before hed even SPOKEN to you i stg this man - AND U SAID YES!!! u have no choice. u did.

satori tendou

- i feel like he’d be kINDA similar to suga?? - a little less caring - he’d never actually pictured himself getting married tbf- - he never thought he’d actually find the right person so he just....gave up idk - BUT THEN YOU CAME INTO HIS LIFE- - even with you he hadn’t really thought about marriage, he was just focused on having fun with you, but then ushijima was like ‘...so, tendou. when is the wedding commencing between you and y/n.” and he just- - it was actually when they were sitting there he started to plan it - ushijima would SEEM like the worst person to go to, but he was actually quite good at this stuff - so in about 2 hours sat at the back door of tendou’s work, they had sketched out a sort of plan on the back of a spare napkin - there was one main thing he knew he wanted to talk about - how you always stuck by him, no matter what he did - he thought he’d seriously fucked up, and you would be back at his door the next day, smiling and chattering about this new café you heard opened down the road - god, he was terrified to even mention paris to you, but you were so up for the idea, it took him by shock - he didn’t take you for granted - so for once, he wanted to make you feel loved - they couldn’t think of a place to take you for ages, but then it hit them - you and tendou always went to wakatoshi’s games, ever since high school you both always made the commute if you had the time - and ushijima had a game coming up in two weeks...…. - when he mentioned it OFC U WERE DOWN PLS, you loved going back to japan - like ofc france was incredible but......... it was just lovely to see everyone again ;-; - since youd been there so much, you basically just got to stand right at the side of the court AHAHAH - so they won the game. obviously. its ushi and kags we’re talking abt here. are you kidding. then tendou started acting weird, which made u hella sus - it was the first time in what felt like years you’d seen him so...nervy - he kept fumbling over his words, you had to yell at him to speak up - but eventually he did it - he spoke abt how much you meant to him, how you made him more comfortable in his own body, how you stuck by him through everything - AND U SAID YES. AGAIN, U HAVE NO CHOICE. - and yes ushi and kags started cheering and the news outlets put u on the news i dont make the rules ok

kenma kozume

- ok mans is TERRIFIED - he’d quite genuinely never thought about marriage, throughout his years with you by his side it just...never crossed his mind - but it was when you were lying in bed one night, his arm dangled over you as you both drifted in and out of sleep - and it just hit him - why the fuck were you both still like this? - marriage was something you always expressed a love for, when kuroo got married you were basically in a trance the whole time - how was he so unaware? - people described kuroo’s proposal as pretty much perfect, he’d always been good at reading his partner, so he just used that knowledge to make something he knew they’d like - so, to kenma’s extreme distaste, he went to kuroo - oh my god kuroo fucking c r i e d - kenma was finally ‘growing up’ - so after about an hour of kuroo sobbing, they finally got down to business - after lots of.. lets say elaborate ideas from kuroo, and lots of no's from kenma, they finally came to a sort of compromise - since you and kuroo worked in the same department, he would text you on saturday simply asking if you wanted to catch coffee and talk about that one assignment - obviously, you said yes - not thinking anything of it, you just pulled on a jumper and jeans AHAH- - then you notice,,,why tf is he taking u to a beach at 7pm in march???? - #serialkillerkurooheadcanons - but u see kenma and ur like... wtf have u gotten yourself into- - have they been possessed?? who knowz - and then u get BLINDFOLDED LIKE WHAT - but then u snap back down to earth like why would they kidnap u- - as kuroo takes it off, kenma’s quite literally shaking - poor babie - he never really knew how to explain his thoughts properly, so the speech wasn’t anything extremely dramatic and/or romantic - but he did in a way tell you how much you meant to him - he spoke abt how you boost his confidence, have always been there whenever he needed you, and how you seem to always understand him when he’s being at his most blunt - therefore he thinks you’re his soulmate - PLSPLSPL IM CRYING

osamu miya

- i think he always knew he wanted to marry you - atsumu always embarassed him about it- - it got to the point you didn’t actually think he’d propose, you would just wake up one day and a wedding dress would be on the door - but it got to the point where tsumu was mentioning it significantly more when you went over for dinner - mama miya was always telling you how happy she was that samu picked you - even your own parents were being oddly warmer towards samu, whenever they phoned they asked how he was, etc etc - so you knew something was up - samu was always really polite to your parents, asked their permission before he even took you out on a date - ironic because you lived together but still- - so turned out, he actually mentioned proposing to you to them - they adored him for gods sake so of course they said yes - then tsumu thought he was acting weird, so he told his side - jesus christ they freaked out - his parents were always nervous about atsumu, who slept with random people on the weekends, and hadn’t been in a proper relationship since middle school - you were basically their god send AHAHA - so it was a massive deal when he wanted to marry you - it would appear that he didn’t really care, but in honesty it meant the wholeass world to him - like suga, he’d go for a location that meant a lot to both of you - christmas was a huge deal for both your families, they both came together and you had an incredible time - and last year some of the jackals came over, which was just hilarious - so what better time than christmas with your loved ones around you??? - it started off like a normal christmas, you had an incredible dinner ( cooked by none other than osamu ((with atsumu and bokuto attempting to sabotage it but just burning their hands on the pot)) ) then all played some games - but it was when you were all watching the basic christmas tv programmes when the atmosphere... changed - everyone was looking at you and samu, even sakusa looked excited - it was when his father muted the tv, and samu took your hand, your heart was basically beating out your chest. - he spoke about how he felt like, for the entirety you’d been together for, every day he seemed to fall more in love with you. you were like his rock, when things were even a bit off he could just come to you and you’d automatically make him happier even just by looking at you - bruh bokuto and hinata were sobbing in the corner

tooru oikawa

- surprising, but he never thought about marriage - he just kind of assumed he’d be one of those people that would be in a relationship for like a week then just.. move on to another person idk - that was until he ran into you - everyone, even his own parents, said he was a different person when he started dating you - it was ironic, you were quite similar to him - yet you made him rethink his fucking morals  - it was sappy asf - ANYWAY BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND - he took this proposal really seriously, he wanted it to be the best moment of your whole life - until the wedding ofc ofc - since you’d basically changed him as a person, he wanted this to just show his appreciation for everything you’d ever done for him - he wanted you to feel his love - and so he set about preparing a good proposal - he’d be like osamu, and definitely ask your parents first - your parents loved him anyway, they thought he was the best thing that’d happened to you for a long while - he basically knew what he wanted to do - nothing too public, but nothing too quiet - whats the point of proposing if some people dont see am i right??? - sometimes when you both either a) needed a break or b) you both had a period of time where you were free, you both just booked an impromptu holiday AHAHHA - #richkidtingz - so obvs he had to do it on one of them... it was ur thing after all?? - it was when you walked in the door, face red, and flopped down on the sofa next to him, he grasped the opportunity - “..got any spare holidays from work?” - you quickly went on a travel agent website and booked a three day holiday to brazil, leaving the next morning - it was one of your favourite places to just escape to, so it made sense for him to propose there tbf - it was as you both woke up the first morning there, still sleepy from the night before, you grinned at eachother. - “hey.. get ready quick, i wanna do something.” “wHAT-” - he didn’t actually know where to do it, he just called a taxi and asked for your favourite high street HAHAH - after about an hour of browsing around shops, your hand never out of his, you finally asked ‘what did you want to do?’ - his breathing almost stopped i stg, he didn’t realise how scared he was - but then... HE DID IT POGGERS - he stuck to what he knew he wanted to speak about, making you sob in the process ofc - and even all the locals congratulated you!!!

--------

HI THIS IS SO LONG IM SORRY BUT I LOVED WRITING IT PLS!! THANK U FOR REQUESTING da box is always open mwah

[littlebigafterdark]

I'm feeling in a particular mood for some more Logan stuff, (totally not my comfort character who unfortunately is a medium for a lot of angst /s) so maybe the almost-relapse?

the littles accidentally trigger logan's ED (janus and patton help him thru it)

This is a copy pastd from a really long message i sent to liv a few weeks ago, just in case the grammar is weird or somethin!

oOo

context: whenever roman is a brat and refuses to eat dinner, logan gets noticeably more frustrated than with any other bratty behaviour because it hits too close to home to his eating disorder

so...

one day when patton is out somewhere, maybe at his carpentry class ((thats actually slightly spoilers for a big concept for the main blog lol)), logan has both the littles

and roman is bratty and refuses to eat dinner and logan breathes evenly and tries not to worry abt it bc he KNOWS roman always eats, hes just doing it to be annoying, breathe, he isnt actually restricting its ok

and logan was literally holding the baby fork up to vees mouth and suddenly she giggles and pushes it away

"come on baby, yummy time" logan coos and smiles a little but he doesnt feel it, and with his other hand he tickles lightly under vees chin and she giggles and logan smiles and goes to feed her again

but she pushes the fork away and babbles "mo bima!"

and roman laughs "yeah, no dinner! no dinner!" and bounces

and logan is feeling rlly shaky and hot suddenly and swallows thickly and ignores roman, and keeps looking at vee "princess, please open up," trying not to pay attention to how shaky his voice is. "its papa's spaghetti remember? yummy" he nods enthusiastically and goes to feed her again

but again vee just giggles all squeaky and pushes the fork away and looks at roman with a big smile for his approval. and roman is like "yeah vee! rebellion!!!" still so playful

but he hasnt noticed logans chest is heaving a little and hes staring at where vee pushed the fork away and logan was too shaky not to drop it on the floor.

and he looks up at vee and how small she is and how shes genuinely on the lower end of average weight and they need to make sure she doesnt dip down into underweight and thinks about how terrified he is of the idea that if she did develop an ED like he did it would be so dangerous and he cant see his baby go through that and-

it just hits him so so so harshly and hes suddenly crying and roman and vee freeze and look at him. and he hurriedly wipes away his tears and breathes shakily and tries to say again

"vee pl-please just ea--" and his throat closes up, he cant even say the word 'eat' and he gags on his tears and jumps up from his chair to run out to the downstairs bathroom and locks himself in trying to calm down and stop gagging.

and he can hear vee crying and roman - adult now - promising her its okay, mama feels a bit sicky but everythings okay, lets phone nana, its ok baby

and logan is breathing too fast and shaking and crying with his back against the bathroom door, not gagging anymore, but unable to take himself outside

. he hears roman feeding vee, and vee giggling and clearly enjoying the food, but no matter how comforting that is to hear he cant get over that genuine terror he felt when vee refused to eat, its his worst nightmare for vee to develop disordered eating - for any of them, but vee is already very thin and it could be critical, and logan cant get over that

when janus arrives (barely ten minutes later, he must have jumped in the car straight away which is only used for emergencies bc of janus' partial blindness) he speaks quietly to roman, and of course theyre trying to be subtle

but the kitchen is only across the hall from the bathroom and logan hears every word of roman explaining what happened and how confusing it was and how patton wont be home for another forty five minutes and roman didnt want either vee or logan to be alone but they probably shouldnt be around each other right now since vee gets so upset when the others arent happy

roman tries to talk to logan first through the bathroom door, apologising for misbehaving and promising he wont do that again. but can logan tell him what exactly was so bad about it this time? so roman can not do whatever it is in future.

but logan cant bring himself to say anything. he cant tell roman about this at least not yet he hasnt felt ready yet even if its been years and he doesnt know if he ever will be ready to tell roman about his ED

so after realising logan wont talk to him, roman swaps with janus. janus doesnt know the details but he knows theres something about logan and eating and hes made an educated guess from all the fibs hes heard over the years.

"hey, dic" (janus' unsavoury nickname for logan that he insists is just short for dictionary) "do you need a glass of water?"

logans throat is actually dry from hyperventilating and he says with a quiet scratchy voice through the door "yes please"

and when janus brings it to the door he just knocks gently and when logan opens the door to accept it janus doesnt make any comment on logans messy hair where hes run his hand through it or on his glassy red rimmed eyes or on the tremble of his fingers. but he does say "i know it must be so cozy in there" he nods to the cramped cold bathroom "but you might just prefer it in your room"

logan flushes a little and nods, comes out of the bathroom and heads to the stairs, but he pauses at the bottom of the stairs thinking... he doesnt know if he can be trusted alone upstairs. theres another bathroom up there and the gagging has made his stomach churn and he feels FULL from dinner and if only he emptied it then maybe he would feel better right? .... no

so he rasps without turning back to janus "i... i cant be alone"

"look behind you, idiot" janus says and its far closer than logan remembered him being.

he whips his head round to see janus was following closely behind him. janus raises a pierced eyebrow "well, are we going to stand in the stairway all night?" and of course its snarky but its soft too

so logan breathes deeply and they go upstairs to his room. janus makes himself at home, immediately grabbing a book from logans book case and collapsing sideways in logans armchair as soon as they stepped in the room. logan reclines on his bed and sips his water and does breathing exercises and tries to not feel humiliated about this breakdown

every time logan tries to apologise for disturbing janus' evening (he didnt) or asks if janus is sure roman is grownup enough to look after vee appropriately (he is) or insists that he is okay to be left alone now (he's not) janus just murmurs "shut up im reading"

when patton gets back roman just tells him logan isnt feeling good and patton hurries up to see him - and upon seeing his husband logan is overcome by shame that he almost relapsed and relief that his best friend is here and a wave of tears that he tries and fails to blink away

and janus just quietly bids them good night and promises he'll stay a couple hours to keep roman and vee company, but patton insists he stays the night in pattons room (its not safe for him to drive in thr dark) and janus is used to this routine by now that he knows where the spare pillows are

so janus leaves quietly and logan croaks "thanks, old man" trying to sound casual but regretting it when his voice shakes. janus just holds up a peace sign and closes logans door behind him on the way out.

as soon as the door closes logans face crumples and he hides his eyes behind his arm and patton practically bounds over to logan and climbs onto bed next to him and cradles logans head to his shoulder as he cries

they stay like that, cuddling in bed, patton cradling logans head and kissing the nape of his neck and wrapping his arm around logans waist to spoon him and whisper about what happened and how they can avoid it in future

but mainly they just breathe and cry together and patton fills the hours with soft affirmations of love and getting logan a tea and promising its okay if logan wants a cookie with it but logan says maybe later (later turns out to be 2:30 in the morning but at least it really was later)

they barely sleep that night but its all comfort and talking and by morning despite being exhausted, logan feels safer and breakfast goes by without a hitch

oOo

just some notes me and liv made that i think highlights some main points:

logan struggling so much even when he knows that the kids are just playing around and they don't really mean that they don't want to eat, but it's just one of those things that inevitably hits too close to home

it just suddenly hit him! like any other day he can cope with roman doing that, its a small blip usually, but the fact that VEE started refusing food freaked logan out so much bc they genuinely have to keep an eye on her weight just bc shes naturally so small

his emotions about his history with an ED plus his overprotective mama cg space making him nearly go into a panic attack from the thought that vee could develop an ED is very sad and very true

and janus coming right away!! and he and roman handle the siatuation so well, like roman was so smart knowing not to leave logan alone, and janus calling him dic and taking him to his room and staying there until patton gets back

and him crying from just seeing patton because he's his best friend and he can be vulnerable around him is very :'c <3

hes so so relieved to see patton but theres also the slightests "ive let my husband down" bc he thinks bc patton helped him so much he owes it to patton to not relapse - but of course pat reassures him its natural to relapse but he didnt! he caught it in the early stages and asked for help and patton is never disappointed in him

he caught it!!! he caught it and he stopped himself and he let himself be helped by both roman and janus and patton and he didn't even relapse!! and this whole thing is really a sign of how far he's come that he was able to accept their help in his vulnerable state, even if roman and janus didn't have the full story, they still wanted to help him through whatever he was experiencing

[timextoxhajima]

hihi! i was scrolling through your blog to read your fics and look at your other posts when i came across that ask where an anon did an analysis of your fic hostis. i’m just asking out of genuine curiosity (i hope this doesn’t come across offensive in any way but this has baffled me for quite some time!!), but how exactly should readers interact with fanfics?

probably every other month i’ll see a post by different writers about the lack of interaction from readers which really frustrates them (which i understand!) and they usually say that it doesn’t take that long to like, reblog, give a comment etc. i’m more of the passive type so i will like the fic post or share them with friends who like the same groups to read. i don’t usually comment, but i see people who do leave comments and hype up other writers who are their mutuals/friends. these comments are always positive and encouraging, but do writers ever want constructive criticism like what that anon commented? i mean it’s not like school or uni where you submit work to be marked, but when writers ask for interaction do they only want the positive, hype-me-up kind of comment? sometimes when i read a fic and i think “oh, maybe it could’ve been better if they developed this a bit more” or “it feels like it’s lacking a bit” or something like that, i just move on from it and read other fics. but for these writers who want interaction from their readers, would they actually want readers to voice out thoughts like this?

sorry for the long post ahaha i’ve just been wondering about this for a long long time and reading that anon’s detailed analysis and breakdown about what they thought could be improved really got me thinking about this as a long time fic reader. thank you ^^

HIHI no worries abt it being offensive or whatsoever!! You brought up quite a few points in this so bear with me yeah?

How should readers interact with fics?

Firstly, i'd like to put out a disclaimer that some writers might not agree with. The fact that writers post their work on an online platform accessible to everybody means that it will always be open to criticism, whether they like it or not. No, i'm not saying that it's okay to be rude or trash someone's work, i'm saying it in the context that readers will always be allowed to provide feedback/reactions. If you put a product out on a shelf for sale, you can't stop a customer from complaining about it if they purchase it and, in their opinion, finds it defective or inadequate.

You cannot stop a reader from having opinions.

It's the same for movies, music, choreography.

Secondly, however the reader wants to react (be it passive or active) is completely up to you! Personally, as long as i know someone's following my work, even if it's just 1 person, i'll be happy. My work isn't FAMOUS per se and it's just an outlet for me to vent or relax. Of course there'll be writers who want people to provide constructive feedback, and that's fine. Writers who actually want the constructive feedback WILL take it, i promise you. It will stick, even if they don't act on it, and if they agree with it, they will change according to the feedback. After i got that super long analysis from hostis, i started breaking up my sentences, especially in grounded. I started making sure my sentences were shorter, easier to understand. Might not have been 100% what the anon told me to improve on, but it stuck. For me, i write in school and it's being graded. Thus, writing here is in fact, a platform for me to practise. So of course, (though i admit i get salty sometimes when people tell me otherwise) i try to improve whenever people tell me there is something for me to improve on. It's normal human nature to feel angry or upset when people give CONSTRUCTIVE feedback bec sometimes it does feel like it's going against you.

Writers who want to improve will always appreciate constructive feedback, even if they feel salty or dissatisfied with it.

Of course, sometimes constructive feedback comes in the idea of questions. Whenever i write, i ask myself like- why does this character act like this or why did this happen- in case a reader has questions about maybe something lacking etc. (Also honestly because sometimes fanfiction is meant to cater to only the main characters, and side characters just aren't needed to be fully developed.)

Sometimes, the writers have their reasons for not developing a certain part of the story, a character, or simply- they didn't think about it, and that's fine. That's where they get to think about it too.

I always thought it was fun to discuss a story's plot with the writer, same way some people are super into trivia or like, backstories. It's like bonus features when you watch a director's cut of a film or like an easter egg, which you'll only realise when the director/writer himself shares it with you.

A writer will always be more than happy to discuss their story with you, whether or not the points of discussion are similar or different.

Keeping in mind, writers on this platform come from different countries, this means different styles of learning. Styles of writing differs from person to person. V, who wrote 17.5 of hostis, is also singaporean but her writing style is more poetic than mine. The anon who gave me that super long feedback on my writing with longass sentences and expression errors is a law student (who, i assume are more accustomed to writing short, accurate, and MUST BE grammatically correct sentences). Which is totally fine!

What you may perceive from reading a sentence may be different from what someone else perceives. When i write, i NEED to see the scenes in my head first because i'm a more visual person and i do videography and film production in school, so if i dont see it, i can't write it. sometimes it backfires and i end up stuffing like 2894 details into 1 sentence, killing the grammar and expression, which is what that anon pointed out to me.

Perception varies, so learn to understand that what the writer writes could be because they simply have trouble expressing what they see/visualise.

And that's fine. Nobody is ever perfect with writing, nobody's gna ever develop all their characters well enough to the readers' liking. If a story had 8 characters and each character had a fan, BUT the plot is meant to only focus on 3, then you cannot expect the writer to develop the other 5 just because their fans want them too. It's just not plausible, especially if the plot revolves around the 3.

Wow this was super long, i hope this gave you some valuable insight as to how a reader can interact with a writer. There's definitely no harm as to giving the writer feedback, even if its bad! Phrase it nicely of course - trashing the writer's work definitely isn't going to do anybody good. Writer's probably gna hate the reader while she/he feels shitty abt themselves and the reader doesn't gain anything in return.

THANK YOU for bothering to send this in!!! I absolutely LOVED talking about this because ive always thought that readers just wanted some fanfiction to read but now youve proven me wrong and i definitely do believe some readers look much deeper into a plot or a piece of work than just smut and fluff.

🥺💕 thanks loveee

[koocycle]

hiii i’d like to request an angst + comforting fluff, like the OC has a hard time keeping old friendship and has like many doubts and worries and feels like a bad friend. basically an overthinker + emotionally sensitive OC. who among the boys could really fit for giving good advice and some comfort to the OC. could be romantic or platonic. bc i’m basically like that irl wew. it’s my first time opening up abt that.

adore u | jhs drabble

pairing; hoseok x reader

word count; 1,6k

genre; angst, fluff.

contains; bestfriend!hoseok, roommate!hoseok, sweet stuff, sad stuff :(

note; this drabble is based on some personal experiences,, being an overthinker nd emotionally sensitive person makes two of us :( it can be pretty hard sometimes but pls don’t!!!! keep it all to yourself sweet anon!!!! talk w someone if necessary, it can even be me!!

visit; my masterlist !

send me; your imagination right here and i’ll make it come true :) 

You were never the kind of person to easily open up to new people, neither were you the kind of person to seek for any kind of social attention. Even when you were only a little child, engaging in conversations and interacting with others was something you definitely had to work on. After years of struggling with the idea of befriending new people and being an expected social butterfly, it didn’t seem to surprise you when people labeled you as ‘the quiet kid in the back of class’.

Very often, you found yourself doubting yourself from time to time, nothing much had changed since that time after all. You figured out that your ‘shy’ behavior even had a negative effect on your past friendships.

As a young adult, you had always thought that you would eventually grow past this perplexed phase of forced smiles and friendships. And now that you were actually able to call yourself a grown adult, you were even more disappointed in yourself when this ugly and toxic mindset still didn’t find it’s way out of your life. It made you angry how you were still doubting your social skills every time being surrounded by your friends.

Coming back from a day with some of your friends that was supposed to be fun, made you in reality mentally exhausted. Doubting yourself almost every day was one thing, but proving your negative thoughts to be right by hanging out with them was another thing you couldn’t quite get the grip on yet. You had no idea what was wrong with you and why you thought yourself to be such an awful friend, but you had been thinking this way for a good amount of years, and you were wondering if you would ever be able to change yourself.

So here you were, sitting in the drivers seat of your dark, cool car. Your car was already parked in the parking lot of your apartment for a little longer than ten minutes, and as to why you didn’t get inside your house already, you also didn’t have a valid reason for. The engine was turned off long ago and you had allowed your forehead to lean against the steering wheel, only for you to think in complete silence by yourself.

You had been looking forward to this moment all day long— the moment you were able to slip under your cool sheets and fill your head with even more negative thoughts.

However, you gave that idea a second thought when you had seen Hoseok’s car neatly parked in it’s usual spot, indicating that he had arrived home earlier than expected.

You took your time to pull yourself together before you would enter the building. Not wanting to ruin his time away from work with another set of your sad thoughts for him to go through. You knew that your best friend was about to ask you how your day went by, especially since you spent your day with some of your friends— something you usually try to avoid.

So when you had finally arrived in front of your door, you took one more shaky breath before you entered, only to be welcomed by your energetic best friend himself.

As usual, Hoseok’s energy was brighter than anything you’ve ever seen. Even though you had something close to a mental breakdown only a few minutes ago, you couldn’t help but smile widely at the sight of him. Your roommate was so hardworking, always waking up in the early morning, only to arrive back home in the late afternoon but still giving you the most beautiful smile whenever you needed one.

‘‘How was Jimin’s birthday party? Did you have fun?’’ he had asked you the moment you walked inside the living room. The first thing you did was plopping down the couch to sit next to him. You wanted to be comforted by his presence as you felt your happy mood shifting again upon hearing the question.

‘‘It was nice.’’ You let your temple fall against his his shoulder, the lie easily slipping from your lips as you closed your eyes at the feeling of him beside you. You tried to distract yourself, knowing how Hoseok wanted you to get into the details. ‘‘Can’t believe you can watch this without your insides doing a turn over.’’ You told him, indicating to the television in front of both of you playing some kind of American reality show.

‘‘There is not really anything else to watch at this time of the day.’‘ You heard him chuckle lightly. ‘‘You’re home early, by the way, I honestly thought you wouldn’t be home until tonight.”

‘‘Did you want me to?’’ You couldn’t help but let your insecurities get the better of you and ask such a silly question.

‘‘Hm? Of course not, I like being home with you. Just figured out you’d be home later than usual because you were spending time with your friends.’’ You felt his head resting on yours then, bringing his aura closer to yours. Hoseok was aware of your constant doubts and worries, he had always been one of the few people in the world to make you feel like it was alright to be a little shy. He told you that it was just fine to take a bit more time to open up to people than usual, it didn’t make you a bad friend at all, is what he had always tried to convince you.

And that’s one of the things that you liked most about him. He was the complete opposite of you, always getting along with everyone he met and being the bright piece of sunshine he was. Everything he did seemed to be natural to you. And yet, he still understood your worries, even though he had nothing to relate to, he was the one who was able to wipe a few of your worries away.

He was everything you ever wanted to be. You wanted to be just like him sometimes. It came to a point where you started to adore him, trying to pick up some of his habits, from talking to strangers to talking to a few of his closest friends.

‘‘Or did you not have fun?’’ Hoseok continued, smoothly trying to ask you about your day.

‘‘No It was fun, Hobi. Don’t worry about it.’’

There were a few moments of silence exchanged, the only sound coming from the television in front of you. He didn’t want to push you to open up about something you weren’t comfortable talking about, but he also didn’t want you to keep it all to yourself. ‘‘What is bothering you, then?” He couldn’t help but ask.

Another moment of silence passed by. You didn’t know if you should deny your feelings right now, but on the other hand, he could read you like an open book. There was no luck in pretending.

‘‘Do you think I’m a bad friend?’‘ You asked him softly, not wanting to hear how pathetic your voice sounded right now.

He had this idea that this was the thing bothering you. You didn’t seem as excited when you walked inside the apartment today, and he was able to recognize that sad look on your face better than anything else.

He knew that you didn’t want to talk about it because you were worried about bothering him with your bombarding words. But in all honesty, he wanted nothing else than offering you the most assuring comfort possible.

‘‘No. I think you’re an amazing friend.’’ He answered then, and you couldn’t help but plant another lump in your throat. ‘‘I would be packing my clothes and live somewhere else right now if it wasn’t for our friendship.’’

You smiled a little at that. ‘‘You’re only saying that to spare my feelings.’’ Your voice sounded hoarse as you played with your fingers, the volume of your voice going softer each time you spoke. ‘‘I know I’m troubling you with my worries, I didn’t want to bring it up again..’’

‘‘Hey,’’ he said then, disregarding his frame from yours, only to make you look at him a second later. ‘‘Your worries are not silly, they’re very reasonable. But don’t ever question our friendship to be one sided again, you know I love you. I love hearing your thoughts.’’

Hoseok gave you a somewhat stern look, wanting you to be aware of his side of your assumption. ‘‘I know you can’t help feeling this way, but you should know that you’re an amazing friend. My best friend, even.’’

‘‘Yeah I know, Hobi.’’

‘‘I don’t think you do.’’ He showed you a small smile, ‘‘come here.’’ Your friend pulled you closer to his side, going back to your previous position on the couch, but holding you tighter in his embrace this time.

‘‘Look at this beautiful friendship we’ve created the past few years. That wasn’t just because I wanted to spare your feelings. That was because I love you being my friend.’’ He told you as you drew invisible circles on his denim jacket, ‘‘Be a bit kinder to yourself, would you? You try to keep everybody satisfied with the love you give them, but what about yourself?’’

‘‘I don’t know how..?’’ you trailed off, not exactly knowing what he wanted you to do now.

‘‘I want you to show yourself a bit more respect. You can’t always satisfy everyone, it’s a part of it. You should love yourself a bit more instead of constantly worrying about your every move.’’

You hummed at his words, knowing that it sounded easier than it actually was. As if he could read your thoughts again, he spoke, ‘‘But don’t worry, we’re going through this together. As best friends should.’’

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

i'm mostly interested from when u started drawing (again)??i think u mentioned in like 2016 or something about the loomis method is how u started drawing faces?? i can't remember much but just from that time to now 🥺 and like talking abt what u did and how u've improved over the years and what you've used and stuff 🥺 if thats alright?

I can def include that in a video!! Thank you for letting me know! Tbh I don’t really focus on art videos much anymore so I might not get to this until I have a speedpaint, so in the meantime if you’re interested:

I did start art in 2016. I wouldn’t really consider my doodles from a child a part of my art journey, but perhaps that’s because I was horrifically insecure about my art as a child (and still am because I never felt like a “real artist” << this imposter syndrome only really fizzled when I moved to university a few months ago). 

I did start drawing faces with the Loomis method. I no longer use this as I sort of know the face well enough to “intuit” where things will go (this is genuinely just because of practice). The Loomis method is my #1 recommendation when it comes to art, specifically if you want to draw portraits. But tbh, any resource that shows you how to break down the proportions of the face is great (people all have their own variations). I didn’t one day decide not to use the method, it just sort of happened after constant sketching practice.

My art didn’t really got “good” until 2018 (aka I think pieces I made then age well now). 

All I did to improve was draw? I didn’t have a routine (some people sketch every day, I just sketched whenever, maybe a few times a month). I don’t draw often anymore (maybe once a month or less), but have retained most of my skills from my years of practice (tho the more practice the better). Something important to note: I strongly believe my improvement happened so quickly because I focused on realism. The moment I started studying the realistic human face rather than stylizing, my art improved exponentially.

In terms of tools, for digital art I’ve always used the same stuff: my Huion H610 Pro tablet and Krita. I now block in big shapes (all my paintings start in black and white) with an “oil” brush (sort of my replacement for the Loomis method) just to get proportions semi down, and then go in and refine each element of the face with an airbrush (right eye first, then the nose, mouth, left eye, and hair etc). I then go in for a final render with that same oil brush, then pull it into Photoshop and use blend modes to colour (the colouring changes for every painting, but I mostly use the colour, multiply and soft light blend modes). Then I’ll edit the painting with adjustment curves (if necessary) and retouch in colour (if necessary).

For traditional, I’ve always used a Canson XL mixed media sketchbook (the little blue one). Even though I mostly only use pencil, this sketchbook is like, always on sale, so I always just get it lol. I draw mostly in mechanical pencil, sometimes in colerase pencils. I’ve recently gotten into gouache (I have the cheap reeves set), and would love to do more watercolour despite not being great at it lol. I don’t really have a “medium” per se. I kinda play around with everything.

Here’s a photo breakdown for reference!

On the left = my very first sketches using the Loomis method. On the right = my very first digital drawing. Not much improvement for a year, I wasn’t really consistently doing much/trying out realism.

Left: I take on the challenge to draw like 15 characters for my sister in a month lol (this really got me comfortable with the digital medium). Tried out a more painterly style than the above of Roosevelt. Middle: Experimenting with values/colour. Right: Getting comfortable in my new digital style. My style looked like this for a few months.

Left: getting better at rendering/detail. Right: comfortable with rendering in a more realistic way.

Left: Really getting the hang of realistic rendering (re: the eye/eyebrow/cross). Right: ooooh, rendering is really getting better! Almost at my current style (this painting is just a bit softer).

Left: I find a new process for painting (no sketch, more shapes). Middle + right = where I’m at right now! (There’s a longer gap between 2018 + 2019 because I didn’t do as much digital art.)

Hope that helps until the video! :)

--Rachel