#im going to shut my laptop down shower and try to force myself to cry in there

[izzy-b-hands]

Ongoing PTSD breakdown trauma stuff below the cut, pls ignore, just need to spew it somewhere that like. I know my feelings will be safe to have and type up and whatever. Also, sorta? mild our flag spoilers under the cut bc my brain is a mess and I use characters I love to help metaphor out and explain my own shit so. yeah. that's also a thing here.

Motherfucking random traumatic memory abt Mum fucking. Randomly hitting me while I'm writing fic (for no apparent reason, no idea what triggered my brain to throw this at me when I WAS NEARLY DONE WITH THE FUCKING FIC NO LESS)

So goddamn rude. I'm off my track on the fic now, so I'm setting it aside for the night (we have Ren Faire today (it literally just hit midnight lol), but after that I want to get back to it) and realising I should really write this memory down.

Like. all of the little details about it, the bits of Mum and I and our relationship surrounding it. Both because my brain does tend to shutter some of those things away and makes them hard to get to without it being stupid lengthy a process involving talking out every feeling I'm having with someone else(unless it pulls some shit like tonight, then suddenly it's no fucking problem throwing it all over the place apparently) and because like

I don't know if I could say this one out loud to anyone, but I think I should. Probably a therapist, but it's one of those stupid trauma things of you just Want Someone, Anyone To Know, Now. To acknowledge it and say if it was as fucked up as it feels (bc I will never deny the possibility that I'm being dramatic and it isn't, and I should just. chill the fuck out about it.)

But every time I start trying to type it out I get hit with this wave of a physical response where my arms and wrists and fingers feel like they're clenching up and I Can't type it. And there's a part of me that doesn't want to because if I can see it in letters on a page, then it's real. It's real and it happened and maybe it was as fucked up as it feels like it was and if that's all true then like. it fits with everything else about our relationship that's already fucked up, from the severe (better than it used to be, but I'm sure it's very clear to y'all that it's still Not Good even though I've moved away from her) co-dependence to the emotional incest (fun fact: that term feels like a gut punch every time I hear it, and I've heard it from my therapist more than a few times now over the past 9ish years of treatment.) So I shouldn't be shocked by that or like, upset, right?

Yet I'm here typing this out to put off typing it up, and I'd bet money I don't necessarily have that I'll wind up putting my laptop away, showering, and going to bed without getting it typed. For better or for worse.

Part of the reason I worry so much abt Frenchie this season (aside from that I love him and he's one of my faves and I want nothing but good and happy for him) is because I also subscribe to his 'shove all the fucked up shit you've seen/experienced in a box in your mind and just. Never open it unless you're putting more in there' method of coping (have all my life, it was so weirdly validating to see it onscreen like that explained so plainly) and like. This is me when the box somehow pops open when I didn't mean it to, and I both want Frenchie to be able to process the things that have happened to him but also don't want to see a character I love so much hurt like this. Because it feels like a big stupid gaping open wound in my chest that I'm being entirely too dramatic about, no matter how valid feeling that way abt it might be.

Kind of hope I can just shut the lid on the box so I can get done and go to sleep after I post this. Should I actually type out the memory and everything? I hate to think that the answer my therapist would have given me, if I could afford to be seeing her rn, would be yes. But the thing is, I have fucking Ren Faire tomorrow in my Izzy cosplay (that Housemate says I look good in, which I'll vainly admit I'm rather happy about, even if it is a very inaccurate and homemade cosplay that's missing certain details I can't yet afford to buy), and I don't want to be dealing with any of this for the rest of the night/into tomorrow. I need to sleep so I can go have some fucking fun, for once. I even feel ok to bring my cane with folded in my bag, just in case I need it, bc that would still be in character if I wind up needing to use it. I can count on one hand the times I've had a fun experience where I also felt safe admitting when my body was hurting and using a physical aid to help it get by; I'm not losing this one.

It's not getting typed out, and I need to duct tape that fucking box shut for now.

[kpopsenarios]

Hi! I was wondering if I could please get a Seventeen reaction to their girlfriend being quiet in bed? Thank you, I love your blog too!

Hi there, I wasn’t sure if you wanted a smutty version or a fluffy version so we decided to do a mix of it for you! hope you enjoy this! Requests are currently open! 

S.coups- You would be lying in coups’ bed on your phone scrolling through photos of their fansign, and you suddenly come across a photo were he is holding onto a fan’s hand which upsets you. When you see that he’s walking towards you, you would turn your face and pretend to sleep. He notices you being extra quiet today so he moves closer to you and whispers “Are you asleep?” You would try and keep your eyes shut tightly but he knows something must have gone wrong so he turns you over to bury you in his chest and he would wait for a while for you to tell him what happened. He would spend time trying to comfort you because he wanted to know what was bothering you. He cared a lot about you and since you were always so happy and bubbly this quiet, sad side really bothered him. If you don’t, he wouldn’t force you instead he would just be there with you… till you eventually get over it.

Jeonghan - Jeonghan was shy himself and would often bite his lip so that he could contain his moans whenever you went down on him but there were often moments of pleasure where he couldn’t contain himself a moans, groans and low growls would escape his lips. He would occasionally say your name or “ that feels so good.” If he was feeling confident then he would thrust himself into you. He was excited because now it was finally his turn to make you feel as good as he did. You were feeling really uneasy about this as it was the first time anyone was going down their. You hesitantly spread your legs and covered your face while he gave you light kitten like licks. He noticed that you were being really quiet and tried different techniques but could not get one sound out of you. He stopped as he felt as he wasn’t good and he wasn’t making you feel good. You noticed that he had stopped and uncovered your face to ask him what happened. He responded slowly saying “well… you didn’t make any sounds so… I didn’t know if you liked it.” You could see his silence hurt you, so you decided to tell him why. You hid your face in the pillow and told him it was your first time and you felt nervous. He immediately grabbed the pillow and cupped your face “you should have told me baby, I would have been more attentive. We can wait till you are ready.” You whispered to him quieted “but it felt so good.” He was shocked by your answer but also very pleased “how about we try this again and let me hear your moans this time.” Jeonghan went back to your heat and started with slow licks teasing you.

Joshua - You were on facebook one night just scrolling through your newsfeed when all of sudden you saw some fansigns photos. Some girls had posted their fansigns up, since you were curious you decided to read to see what the boys reply to their fans. You were quite shocked at some of the flirty answers from Mingyu, S.coups and Jun but thought to yourself “Josh would never be like this.” He was also so respectful and considerate of you and your feelings. There was no possible way he could hurt you. You tried so hard to reassure yourself but it was hard. You got into the kitchen looking for something to eat so you could get your mind off the fansign but a few moments later you heard the door open and Josh was in. You grabbed your snacks and headed back into the bedroom without acknowledging him. It felt weird ignoring him for the first time since everything he would walk in through the door you would attack him with hugs and kisses. He followed you to the bedroom and sat next to you in bed but you didn’t react. Your eyes were glued to the laptop screen while you continued eating. He closed your laptop screen and asked you “baby what’s wrong?” You ignored him not wanting to speak to him at that moment. He grabbed your hands and kissed them trying to comfort you as he knew you were upset. You tried really hard to be strong but eventually broke down into tears. Josh held you close and comforted you until you were ready to tell him what happened.

Jun - It would be you and Jun’s third year anniversary, he would be busy with his schedule and you would be at home waiting for him. You decide to make the effort by putting on some nice makeup and a lingerie he bought for you. When he steps into the house and saw you walking around trying to tease him he would be so confused as to why you were even trying knowing how tired he is. By this time you would have figured that you forgot your anniversary… so you just leave to go into the bedroom and sit there on your phone like every other day. You know how tired he is so you didn’t want to show that you are mad and decide to stay quiet. When he comes and joins you in bed he would sense the unusual quietness knowing how you usually behave, and he would just sit next to you and scroll on his phone too. When he sees the reminder that pops up on his phone, he suddenly realised what you were trying to do earlier and he would mumble to himself “Oh… shit” He would slowly move closer to you and put his hands on your thighs and slowly make the move as a sign of apology.

Hoshi - Hoshi comes back to the apartment you shared with him after a long day at practice. He walks in the door looking tired and sweaty, you walk over to greet him with a kiss and insists that he goes to take a shower, which he did…  He walks out of the shower with a towel wrapped around his waist and walks over to you to what you are doing. You watched him as he sat next to you but you paid no attention to him. Hoshi pouts a little and runs his finger along your thighs, you looked over at him with a smile but continued to look through our phone. Hoshi notices that smirk you have on your face then strips off the towel he had around himself and climbs on the top of you. His hands travels up and down your body making you feel the need but you refuse to give in so easily, you sealed your mouth and just enjoyed the sight of him working his way down. “Trying to play hard to get huh Y/N? We’ll see who can last the longest without making any sounds” Hoshi says seconds before he pushes two fingers into you.

Wonwoo - You were never one to open up about your feelings and cry but once in awhile when things got a bit too much you would close up, push everyone away and just cry. You never liked this side of yourself but this was the only way you knew how to cope with the stress. You got home to the apartment you shared with your boyfriend Wonwoo and slammed the door shut and just got into bed with tears streaming down your face. You thought you were home alone but was soon surprised when you felt an arm get around your shoulders. It was Wonwoo and he was pulling you close into his chest. You hugged him and just cried. This was the first time you had cried so much. This was the first time you had let someone see you cry. You felt so safe and warm in wonwoo arms. Neither of you spoke, he just held you close. After you had stopped crying you looked up at him while he gently wiped your tears away with his thumb and said “ you’re so beautiful, I love you” to which you smiled and replied “I love you too Wonwoo.” At that moment you knew that if you ever had a hard day or going through a hard time you were never alone. Wonwoo was always going to be there for you and you felt so lucky for having him in your life.

Woozi - You sat next to Woozi in his working room at home watching him work on his song. You let out a long sigh and said “I’m going to bed now” Woozi looks over to you and asked “Y/N what’s wrong?” “Nothing, I am just tired from watching you work… join me when you are done” Woozi was kind of shocked with your cold reply and he knew you were mad at him for something… So he wraps up the song and runs to the room you shared with him. You lied in bed with your eyes closed as you felt Woozi’s warmth behind you. He wraps his arm around your waist and mumbles “Do you want to talk?” you turn to him looking very angry and said “Talk? Okay… so NOW you wanna talk, I sat next t you for 3 hours straight and you paid no attention to me… and now you wanna talk? You know what? You can go talk to yourself!” After having a go at him, you turned your back towards him and all you could hear was Woozi saying “Fine…Hi Woozi how was your day? My day was fine, just busy making music and now I am dealing with my angry girlfriend! Oh really? What did you do? Ohhh I was too busy so I didn’t pay attention to her so she told me to go talk to myself which im doing right now… okay goodnight” Hearing Woozi talk to himself made you smile a little but still. He deserves to be punished.

DK - Both you and DK were always really loud people at everything you did. People would know if either of you were ever entering a room because of all the noise you both would make. There were only a few times when the both of you would be quiet or even silent. For DK he would always be quiet if he was upset but you would always get it out of him because you hated it when you’re happy virus boyfriend was all sad and upset. DK had only seen you being quiet once and he couldn’t believe because in the 7 months he knew you, he had never seen you close your mouth. You were always talking and he loved that about you so much. He didn’t know what to do or how to react when he had first noticed you were being quiet but then he slowly moved towards you and wrapped you in his arms which caused you to immediately break down. He whispered to you asking “baby what’s wrong?” You slowly gained the courage and said “my favourite character in the drama died, I can’t believe she died. How could they do this to me?” DK immediately started cracking up and just looked at you which made him laugh more because you were so serious. He pulled you into his chest and said “it’s okay baby, i’m here just cry it out.” You couldn’t believe this was the same guy that was laughing at you before but you knew at that moment you had found your soulmate.

Mingyu - Mingyu comes home from his tour after three months. He enters the house and made his way to the room where he can see you. You were sleeping, so you didn’t realise that Mingyu was next to you. He sat on the bed next to you watching you sleep and strokes your back that made you move a little. You slowly open your eyes to see that Mingyu whom you’ve missed is finally home. He leans down and kisses you, the kiss was very needy. You could feel how much he needed you after a long three months so instead of making him wait you got up and stripped off your clothes. He makes him way down and teases you a little before entering but as he enters you grabbed onto the pillow to stop yourself from moaning.  “What’s wrong?” Mingyu looked at you and asked. You shook your head and just watched Mingyu moving back and forth enjoying himself. Few minutes later Mingyu stopped and fell on the top of you, you could see that he was tired but you wanted more. “Is that all you’ve got? After a long three months? Really? I was expecting so much more” You finally told him. Mingyu smiled at your words then replied “Is that why you’ve been so quiet? God dammit Y/N I thought I wasn’t pleasing you enough…Watch out! The real Kmin Mingyu is coming back” He smirks as he picks you up and ties your hand to the end of the bed.

The8 - Tonight was finally the night that you and Minghao were going to take your relationship to the next level. You knew Minghao wasn’t a virgin but you were always a little bit too shy to tell him that you were. You knew he wouldn’t judge you or anything but still you felt shy about telling him you were. You both had talked about having sex in general and one day he said let’s just do it on Saturday and you agreed. Now it was finally Saturday. You felt both excited but nervous for this night. You walked into the dorm and it was quiet, usually the voices of 13 boys was loud but tonight it was dead silent. You looked around the dorm and found a pathway filled with rose petals and small candles leading up to the room Minghao was in waiting for you anxiously. You walked in and was greeted by a tight hug and kiss from your boyfriend. A kiss that got heated very fast and he leaded you to the bed, pushing you down gently then climbing on top of you. Soon both of you were undressed and he was lining himself at your entrance, he slowly pushed inside you and you bit your lip trying to contain the screams you wanted to let out. Soon since you were being silent Minghao stopped. He was so confused, he didn’t understand why you were so tight but also why you were so silent. He had expected you to at least let out a moan or give some kind of indication that you were enjoying yourself. He moved up to your face and could see tears streaming down your face. He immediately wiped away your tears and asked you “what’s wrong, why are you crying?” You replied in a whisper saying “it’s just that this is my first time and I didn’t expect it to be this painful.” Minghao was shocked from your words because he had no idea that this was your first time. He began to apologise to you but you stopped him by saying “no it’s not your fault, I should have told you but I felt so shy mentioning it to you.” He cups your face and says “baby you should have told me, we could have waited or I could have made it more special for you.” You kissed him and said “you’ve already made it so special, can we try again?” He raises an eyebrow and says “only if you’re sure you want to.” You nod in agreement which causes him to smirk  and say “well this time we’re going to take it slow and i’ll make sure to worship each and every inch of your body.”

Seungkwan - Seungkwan would be very similar to DK as he is always a very talkative, loud and happy person. Even though when the both of you are together it tends to always be him who is louder there are often moments where you steal the spotlight. You both were the happy, in love and cute couple that everyone secretly thought was cute but mostly cringed at you guys. One day you were being extra quiet which was quite unusual for you. He first brushed it off because maybe you didn’t realise that you were being quiet. Later on the day when you had continued to remain quiet he started to do stupid things to make you smile or laugh. He would basically do anything and everything to get a positive reaction out of you. Eventually when he got no reaction out of you he would ask you. Knowing him he would probably wait till you both were in bed for the night before he asked. He would grab your hands and look into your eyes while he talked to you. He would say “ Y/N what’s wrong? You can tell me anything. I hate seeing you like this, please tell me what’s wrong.” He would listen carefully  to everything you had and give amazing advice. The both of you would spend the whole night talking and just enjoying each other’s presence.

Vernon - I feel like at first he wouldn’t even notice that you were being quiet in bed. He would either be telling you about his day or just saying some raps to get your opinion. When you didn’t respond or react to whatever he was saying or rapping then he will finally realise that you were being quiet. He would bluntly ask you “what’s wrong? Why are you being so quiet? Did i do something wrong?” He’s still quite young but he’s very mature so he wouldn’t force you to tell him what was wrong but he was be really comforting and try to get it out of you in a supportive way. He would definitely try to make you laugh by doing something stupid so that you were sad anymore or he would talk so much like he would not stop talking because he would try to take your mind off whatever it was that was upsetting you. He would let you open up to him yourself and once you would he would listen and share your problems.

Dino - He was also so unsure of himself in this relationship as it was his first but then it was your first as well. You both were each other’s first everything. From first kiss to losing your virginity to each other. You were both really happy with each other and barely ever fought. Then suddenly you began to notice that he stopped taking out time for you. He stopped planning dates. He had changed into this person you didn’t even recognise anymore. He wouldn’t even talk to you the way he did before. One day all of a sudden you couldn’t take it anymore you had to do something but you didn’t know what to do. You were in bed one night on your laptop when he came home. He walked into the bedroom put down his bag and walked straight into the shower, he completely ignored you. Tears starting to pool in your eyes and eventually fell as you began to think more and more about how he had started to treat you. When Dino walked out of the bathroom and saw you crying in bed he stood there shocked and confused as to why you were crying. When you noticed him standing there you put away your laptop and tried to sleep. He came into bed and wrapped his arms around you while saying “what’s wrong?” You ignored him as the only thing that was wrong was him. Dino soon got a bit mad at your silence and turned you around so that you were facing him. He asked one last time in a annoyed voice “what’s wrong Y/N?” You looked at him with tears in your eyes and said “you.” Your words cut like knives. He couldn’t believe you said that and when you explained further how you were feeling and why you felt that way. He began to slowly understand what he had done wrong and how had changed towards you. You both spent the rest of the night talking about your relationship and finally understand the importance of good communication.

Admin Mi & Sunshine.