#I TOOK MY MEDS I SHOULD KNOW
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every time a bot follows me a face is made:
#rambles#LEAVE ME ALONE#PERSON WHO DOES NOT EXIST#I DONT KNOW YOU#YOU ARENT REAL !!!!#I TOOK MY MEDS I SHOULD KNOW#also their half ass default profiles on LIGHT MODE fucking blind me everytime#I feel nocturnal#GET OUT OF MY CAVE#COOL KIDS ONLY IN HERE#PEOPLE WHO EXIST ONLY
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College (uni??) AU catering to my own interests as it should always be hehe :)
#projecting my major on Vash because them mfs who have changed from the med field majors to that one have some tragic things to tell#and also because I think that Vash would be such a wonderful designer I don’t know why it’s a gut feeling#Nai the law major because of course he would have you seen the guy#he would be a personal injury lawyer because lore#fun fact Nai rested for a semester after the incident with Vash while Vash took two.He never told Nai he would be changing majors#so it was a big big shock for him. they fought again but yk I’ll explain more on that if anyone is interested#as to Kni and WW I thought it’d be funny if they shared a common subject that required a lot of team assignments#and they can NEVER work out together. being an absolute nightmare to the rest of their group#separately they are great to work with. even if Kni can come off as too bossy sometimes he is actually a great leader#and WW would always deliver things on time exactly as it was asked from him#but Kni and WW just never really matched. Kni was too rude at times when WW made a mistake and WW would always clock him if he passed a line#like insulting his reasons for wanting to study security#one day Kni tells him at the beginning of a new semester where they both have unfortunately landed on a shared subject again#“you are not suited for that sort of job Wolfwood. you should simply give up and why don’t you go play role model to your little kids’’#then WW beats him again and then is like hey yk what you’re kinda right. and changed majors and he feels so much more at home studying#education/teaching than security. he fucking hates some things but the end goal makes it worthy#Trigun Uni! AU#because I don’t know how differently a college and a uni work#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun stampede#vashwood#trigun fanart#wolfwood#vash#Nai saverem#millions knives#lenssi draws#pen!
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Still no craft updates on account of I feel Bad* but I did get like half a beanie crocheted this weekend? I also have a bat that's haunting me. In that there's a bat design I desperately want to turn into a plushie not in that I am being literally haunted by a bat. As far as I know I am not haunted by a bat but to be fair I'm not confident I'd know? *my heart rate got high enough that made me cough but my asthma was flaring up enough that cough launched me into an asthma attack, which raised my heart rate even more, so basically I used my emergency inhaler and then was on the floor for a while. Feels bad! Do not recommend. I'm okay though just tired
#the person behind the yarn#the reason my heart rate got that high is that my pulse pressure was very narrow#which is. you know. bad.#so I finally gave in and took an extra dose of my meds (as my doctor has advised in the past)#what is probably happening is that I reached the point of stressed where my body couldn't cope#(I'm on long term steroids so I need stress doses if I get too stressed)#but! because acute stress can trigger an allergic reaction (yay MCAS) I tend to kinda...shunt stress off to the side#and come back to process it when it's less like. urgent? immediate?#when it no longer feels like it will trigger an MCAS flareup if I acknowledge the feeling exists#and I do go back and process those emotions! I just have to get a little distance first#and the work stress lately has been so unrelenting (combined with the like...general world news stress)#that I have been ignoring my own stress levels so hard I genuinely did not think I was stressed#or that I needed a stress dose of my meds but uh. I was wrong!#I was wrong. Good news is now that I know I should be good in a day or two#doc said three days for stress doses and today was day one#bad news is narrow pulse pressure combined with asthma attack feels Very Bad!#very bad indeed took me like 20-30 minutes and two different kinds of medication before I could talk normally#without having to pause and catch my breath midsentence#every time I start thinking 'you know maybe I'm not really disabled maybe my health stuff is under control'#it pops up like a jack in the box like surprise! it's the same thing again still here! the meds just hide it most of the time#but it's still there :) lurking :) when I least expect it :)#...I think I might buy myself another sticker or two. something to look forward to coming in the mail
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The Shame <- anyone else experiencing this
#text#ive been awake for 21 hours. i should go to bed#i dont want to i know the horrors may well plague my sleep#Well maybe not i took my sleep meds already so maybe ill be fine#waugghh. who else feeling the shame. who else wanting to flay themselves alive and such
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🥰
#not snz#i got ✨ rescued ✨ yesterday after all lmao#no and i fucking told him to go around so he wouldn't have to drive through literal fucking flame#so i figured from the time he said he was gonna come it was gonna take him like at least three hours#my face when he was there in a little over half an hour#when it's about forty minute drive if you speed#like okay just bc the roads are closed and you CAN go as fast as you want doesn't mean you SHOULD#like i was grateful but wtf was that#and just so we're all on the same page here a shit ton of roads are closed even if you go all the way the fuck around#so no getting my parents to come still wasn't an option bc they would've needed some sort of license to give them access#anyway he hugged me immediately upon seeing me and i told him to stop bc I'm gross and covered in dirt and soot and whatnot#this man did not fucking care 🥺#so then he took me to get proper food first and foremost lmao#then we went back to his place bc it was closer and his roommates were once again Not There#rip to them but they both know trades and decided to work anyway bc so many people are paying so much money rn#and i showered for like a fucking hour trying to scrub all the smoke smell off#then he gave me one of his shirts to wear 🥰#and sweatpants with the drawstring so I'd actually be able to tighten them lmao but even still they were too fucking big#then we just hung out on the couch most of the evening#and I'm congested and keep coughing bc my respiratory system wants to die from the smoke#and i was apologizing half the night and he kept being like stfu lmao#he kept kissing the top of my head and rubbing my back like 🥺#also coming as a surprise to no one i am into med play#so you can imagine how i was feeling when he wanted to make sure i wasn't about to keel over#like stop it you're making it intimate and I'm shy about it lmaoo#also i love that both of our go to thing is 'no I'm worried and need to check myself' lmaoooo#anyway so he checked me over and i feel like i was just going 🥺 the whole time ahdkslls#and then he made me tea and just kept a steady flow of hot drinks and snacks going until we went to the bedroom#and I'm so fucking hoarse now and still coughing and sniffling and my entire body hurts bad but he's being so attentive and gentle like 🥺🥺#partner posting
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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My mood is good but my stomach is making me suffer :(
Guess there's no way to win
#I took my last stomach pill and I think that's going to be it unless the doctor represcibes it#and I think he ignored my request to have it represcibed...#it's not even one of those controlled or abusable meds#they just want to make me come in for an appointment even though I have to be at home taking care of my mom#Godddddddd#I have OTC meds and I know what things I should be avoiding but :/ still sucks#IBS
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Me, yesterday, 5:30 PM: wow I’m honestly doing so great at my adult tasks; I’ve gotten some homework done, I went grocery shopping, my laundry is almost dry. I spent so many spoons and I barely feel tired! Maybe I’m finally fully recovering from burnout!
Me, yesterday, 6:00 PM: oh.
#turns out that I was not drawing from an unlimited spoon supply when I spent spoons so fast#and instead was overdrawing#because at 5:59 I thought ‘oh you know I’m a bit tired I should lay down’#and then spent almost six hours in Nap Hell as I laid down too tired to get up and take my sleep meds#but also not really sleeping consistently. like dozing except I didn’t want to.#woke up ~11:50 and apparently sent some very misspelled messages to my friends#took sleep meds. and then passed out until morning.#so… I’ve learned something here. such as ‘even if you feel fine. you know you’re spending too many spoons. slow down.’#I’m gonna try to go to bed early tonight too#and just. rest. bc I know Thursday is going to be a lot for me bc of my ASL class.#just gotta get these labs done first#the exhaustion is partially also my fault bc instead of going to bed after getting home from the airport#I did in fact go straight to DND and played until midnight because DND is Monday nights now.#but in my defense. I had napped on the plane. so I didn’t feel v tired.#but yeah I shouldn’t have done that bc that meant I was operating on a Significant Sleep Deficit yesterday and still had a lot of tasks#that absolutely could not wait. I needed food bc I didn’t have any in the house and needed laundry bc all my wearable clothes were dirty.#and I’d been in class since 9:30AM and went straight to the store from my last class and then straight to laundry after putting away grifos#and STILL FORGOT TO GET GAS#it’s fine I’ll get some today after chemistry or smth on the way home
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Waking up just horribly sad and wanting to cry bc I don’t want to go to work bc I had a bad day yesterday
#meows#it like. deeply hurts and I don’t know why#slept in to try to fix it and now I can’t convince myself I won’t die on the interstate#for context Lyfts always try to take me on the interstate and I need one since I slept in past when I’d be getting on the bus#i took preventative pain meds and I hope I just don’t get as dysphoric today so maybe I can eat#oh my god I’m so sad#I can’t bring myself to hug my bf because I hate that I’m leaving at all#I should have called out 😭😭😭😭😭
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I am- I- hoooooooooh boy- the- The check engine light is on- (is talking about figurative check engine light (is not able to drive (nor SHOULD be given power to pilot a large deadly thing) due to various medical reasons) I’m talking about the check engine light in my brain)
#Don’t know why been going a bit funny lately#been feeling a little strange#I definitely took my meds#So. I should theoretically be good#Do you appreciate the many parenthesis#I want to make my posts at least a little incomprehensible#internetvoid
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Hiii if at all possible could I get some asks? They can be about anything I'm just. VERY scared right now and need tk distract myself
#I'm sick AND my emetophobia is really bad right now#I' really scared I might throw up#i took my nausea meds so that should help me some#but idk I'm still kinda scared lol#I've been able to eat all day so I know that probably wouldn't just change all of a sudden#but still. VERY SCARED lol
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I started a piece of art today which is based on some plant species* that I think would be good to colonize Tim in @gunpowder-tim’s headcanon of the Persephone Tim headcanon; so it’s art based on a headcanon of a headcanon of a headcanon 😅 [sweat simle emoji].
It’s gonna take a long time I think, but I am planning on posting it here even though it’s just gonna be plants and no Tim (because I am much better at drawing these little doodle plants than drawing people).
*so the art is basically of real species we have on Earth, but I maintain that they wouldn’t have the same plants on the City, so in my brain his plants are just similar to these ones.
#i don’t know if i should main tag this. thats always hard for me to tell#persephone tim#i am taking a break now because for some reason it took me almost 4 hours to paint some ghost pipe.#i am researching more species too. im looking at a lot of liverworts. but they are ‘obscure’ enougb thats its not always easy to find if-#they are parasitic or not. i know *some* species of liverwort are. and depending on how im able to draw them i might include non-parasitic-#species because i need the space filled a particular way#im also tired because i stayed up until after 6 am and then didn’t take my sleep meds (because it was 6 am)#oh there’s also gonns be some mushrooms included#ive explained it before but basically the fungus being an intermediary is a thing we see in real life (although not between plants and-#animals afaik) and it makes sense because fungi are closer related to animals than to plants.#now i suppose thats not necessarily true on the City. because we dont know if they are homo sapiens or not (this would make possible-#implications for the other life on the plant). however for now I have no hcs regarding that. its easiest to go with their life works the-#same as ours. but their species are different if for no other reason because of evolution (over time)#well thats whats easiest and most interesting and fun *to me* which i realize is because i am a biologist and happen to also crave as much-#scientific accuracy as possible. but thats not everyones cup of tea. not everyone wants to spend hours searching about different parasitic-#plants to choose one for this and learn about how they interact and what not. probably *most* people wouldnt think this hard about it.#and that’s okay too. if you like to make up your own plants whole cloth and not worry about it aligning with realy world biology. thats-#okay too. do what you like.#(unless you are a tv/movie/book/etc which is supposed to be set in our world on our earth. YOU CANT MAKE APE/WORM HYBRIDS! for crissakes)#hope its okay i tagged you gunpowder-tim#also sorry to everyone for how much i ramble in the tags. i have adhd and keeping 1 try of though is nigh on impossible#like this: nigh means near. so nigh on impossible is nearly impossible. but one way of defining nigh is approaching. then its approaching-#impossible. which makes me think of math. ‘as x approaches infinity;’ ‘as y approaches impossible’#there have a little language and math too with your dose of spec bio explanation#(the ape/worm thing is a reference to an early x-files episode that i have complained about in tags before)
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Can’t tell if I’m so anxious because of drug withdrawal or it’s just because I have a bad brain 😓
#I took buspar for about 4 nights then had to stop because it put me on edge#first night without it and I’m hit with the same feelings again#just sad and hopeless and my nerves feel sick#I had thought there wasn’t supposed to be any real withdrawal from that stuff#so maybe this is just me being sad#quick rant: I feel so hopless and alone and scared#it’s 4:30am and I know there’s nothing I can do right now about it so I should just chill out#brains suck#just go to sleep!#I have my first therapy session tomorrow/today so we’ll see#and I’m realizing now I really need to bite the bullet and apply to some jobs#any jobs. even if I’m afraid my hearing will go out and I’ll fuck up working#I NEED to get out of this house more. I NEED money. I NEED some hope for a future.#I want moneyyyy so I can go out to eat and take my brothers to the movies and help my mother with bills#I can’t just stay awake all night suffering. I need to be productive.#ian I swear you will feel so much better with a purpose#even if that purpose is just to work a register for a few hours a day#it’ll be okay#we can do this. we’ll talk to the therapist tomorrow. we’ll call our doc and bitch about our meds. we’ll apply for jobs#we’ll shower and eat and go out in the sun and it’ll be okay#baby steps baby#get a job. get money. buy a burger. find someone to kiss once or twice.#I can do this#I feel everything falling apart and fading away and I have to fight that#I’m fighting it now just verbalizing this and it’s helping#it’ll be okay ian!#life can still be beautiful!#you’re afraid of losing everything well then fucking grab it hold it do what you can#I’m so fucking scared but I have to try#text
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The pain of having to eat so I can take my meds but my period deciding Hey wouldn't it be so cool if you felt extremely nauseous
#fitz's cursed thoughts#I'M IN HELL </3#I just made some cookies and now I'm like. feeling too sick to eat :(#I took my nausea meds about an hour ago it SHOULD'VE kicked in my now#I may have to take something else real quick idk#all I know is if nothing helps then i may have to skip a dose kf my meds (should be fun /s)#menstruation tw
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How outlining every chapter of FM2M goes
Me: this should be a short chapter I don't really need to cover much here
*proceeds to write a 3.5 page single spaced chapter outline*
Me: I take it back this might be the longest chapter yet
#tamlin the tool#ianthe is a bitch#feyre is at least more self aware#my estimate is a 12k word chapter#maybe I will break it in two we will see#I know I should be working on my writing circle fic that is 3 weeks overdue but I am on a roll and took my adhd meds at 8pm instead of 2pm#feysand#dont worry feysand will still be prevalent#we will not forget about rhys#even though this is a feylin chapter there is more feysand bonding i swear
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happy flat fuck friday I feel likr I've been run over by a steamroller <3
#someones car alarm (?) went off in the middle of the night and then i couldnt sleep properly again after#and kept having nightmares.. had a rly scary one right before i woke up where i was lactating blood and it wouldnt stop coming out#i onoy noticed at first bc the shirt i was wearing had massive growing bloodstains onnthe front and then i took it off qnd there it was#and no one was around and it was night and i went outside and i was on this empty rocky beach and j had this sudden realisation#that i was going to die here like this. i was rly lightheaded from the blood loss so i sat down and just stared at the water#and then my alarm went off like fucking hellllll. wild dysphoria dream i guess 🫠🫠🫠🫠#anyway yeah whatever just gotta get thru work today hey the moons out sorry unrelated just noticed her. hi#climbing was fun last night tho :^) and i have a concert tomrorow yayyyy#dont know the band super well but only bc i havent listened to much of them but i like all ive listened to theyll be sick live i reckon#my roommate knows them more than i do but wouldnt go by herself so im dragging her with me >:)#and surprisingly a fair few number of ppl from climbing are going too which is cool ill try n say hi to some of them#actuallt there are 2 bands i should listen to the album of the other one before tomorrow too. mahbe on the bus home#guys i am sotireddddd 😭😭😭😭#MAY skip my afternoon meds so i can sleep straight after showering and eating once im home. we'll see#depends what i have to do this afternoon at work i dont even rember.. i think i have training maybe#we willl seeeee i dont mind being at work that much anyway its all good. maybe i will take my meds so i can play elden ring later#okayyyy bye#.diaries
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