#I HATE MY LIFE BUT I HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE IT.

[aldryrththerainbowheart]

Little girl gone

got a gun from a gangster

run little girl

run little girl

bang ha

The cold bit into your bones, a permanent resident in the sterile dark rooms of Sylus's base. Kidnapped, stripped of everything familiar, you felt like a lab rat caught in a gilded cage. Sylus, your captor, was the architect of this nightmare. With his remorseless crimson eyes and the power that crackled around him like static, he was a force of nature, one you couldn't hope to match.

But that doesn't mean you can't bite back.

The initial days were a blur of pain and terror. He wanted you to resonate with him. Demanded it, even as his attempts sent white-hot agony through you veins. Three days. Three days of forced contact, of you screaming refusals echoing unanswered in the cold, echoing halls. These three days were filled with either pain or numbness as his two henchmen carried your exhausted body back to your room. He treated you like a broken machine, blaming you for the failure. He called it "training," but to you, it was torture.

One particularly brutal session ended with you collapsing, muscles twitching and lungs gasping for air. He sat few feet away from you, impassive, as if you were a malfunctioning device. Something snapped.

"You... son of a BITCH!!!" you choked out, the word laced with venom. "You think you can just *cough* …use me? You're nothing but a glorified bully with fancy powers!"

The silence that followed was heavier than the iron taste in your mouth. Sylus's expression didn't change, but you saw a flicker of something in his eyes – surprise, perhaps, or even…discomfort?

The familiar dread crept into your stomach as you felt being lifted with his powers and dragged towards him. You wanted to resist, but your body barely listened to you at this point. That was the worst part, not the physical pain but this... helplessness. You hated feeling weak. That's why you spent your entire adult life training and fighting, to push back these feelings that remained after Chronorift catastrophy. Sylus managed to bring all these feelings of self-loathing, desparation and anxiety back to the surface with nothing but flick of his wrist and few dismissing words.

"Why... why are you doing this...?" you didn't even recognize your voice without its usual bluster, the weakness of it disgusting even you.

"You went through all that trouble to enter the N109 Zone. I must fulfill my duty as your host."

The rich timbre of his voice grated at your ears. Every part of you screaming in defiyance as he place you on his lap. Like a rag doll, he positioned you to his liking and then... ugh... then he did it again.

Slowly, he dragged the back of his fingers up your arm, making your stomach lurch. Then he forcibly opened your hand clenched in fist and iterlocked your hands. He did this multiple times since he took you. It was just holding hands, but you felt violated all the same.

Your bile dangerously rose. You haven't eaten much of anything these past few days, but with your body spasming like that, it's only a matter of time before you couldn't hold it in any longer.

Thanfully, he quickly let go of your hand and your stomach settled for now.

"You're lucky I don't like picking on the weak, kitten."

"Shut the fuck up." You growled, hating both the reminder of your helplessness and that stupid nickname.

If he wanted to torture you, that's fine and dandy, but why does he have to be such creep about it?

The air around him thickened with supressed energy. You braced herself for another onslaught, but instead, he picked up a gun and placed it in your hand. You stared at it in shock.

"Don't you want to take my life?" Sylus studied you like an insect under microscope.

Your fingers wrapped around the grip and you pressed the barrel to his forehead.

"You think I wouldn't do it?!!" You hated how both your voice and hand trembled.

"Yes, that's better," Sylus wrapped his fingers around your wrist and pressed the gun to his chest, "want some help?" he sneered at you.

You barely registered his mockery over the pounding of your heart in your ears. You watched as his finger slid to the trigger. No...no..no! You killed Wanderers all the time, but this is no wanderer. You wanted to pull away put Sylus held you firmly in place. You felt his finger pressing down on yours and you just couldn't take it anymore.

Sylus stared in shock at the acidic stain on his silken shirt. You tumbled down from his lap, lurching.

He finally stood up, a muscle twitching in his jaw. "You are... uncooperative," he said, almost to himself.

That night, you knew she couldn’t rely on Sylus's mercy. You have to find her own way out. You started small, observing Luke and Kieran, noting the routines, the blind spots. She pilfered a discarded knife from his collection, hiding it under her mattress – a pathetic weapon, but better than nothing.

On the fifth night, you finally escaped. You had to thank the crow for his unwilling help. A bit of tinkering with his navigation chip and Sylus was following false lead. You know you can't escape from him forever, but it could give you enough time to get some intel on the Aether core. With few pilfered gems form Sylus's collection, you managed to get your hands on beat up motorcycle and pair of Super 38.

You knew ten year olds don't make great intels, but you had to start somewhere and to your suprise, your search bore some fruit. It was rather cheap and you got a glass of something that could knock down a horse which suited your perfectly.

"So you say that the protocore I'm looking for could be in that auction?" you swirled the liquid in your glass as you leaned forward, head hunched.

The bartender stopped cleaning the bar and leaned closer to you, "I'm not saying it will be there 100%, but if you want protocores of the highest quality, you go there." She spoke to you in hushed whispers.

The building belonged to Sylus, of course, but you knew you'd stumble into him eventually. This time though, you're much better prepared.

You discreetly dropped a chunky ruby into the glass and slid it towards her.

"Thanks for the drink."

Her face lit up as she looked down.

The bartender opened her mouth to thank you, but in that moment, a group of men armed to the teeth barged in. Faster than lighting, you slid behind the bar and discreetly leaned toward her once more.

"You think I can get out there from the back?"

As you sped through the highway on your borrowed bike, you saw in the rearview mirror few cars following you.

Some more minutes of wild chase through the streets of N109 zone, another follower joined the chase, but this one rode a motorcycle just like the one you had. They helped you shake them off, and when you sped through the car wreckage together, you had a chance to get a good look at them. The guy was weirdly familiar...

He gestured to the sidestreet you were approaching and you nodded in agreement. You parked your bike just a few feet away from him. After the man took off his helmet, your suspicions were confirmed.

"I should've known I smelled a pig around here." You spat at him.

Sylus, seemingly unaffected by your jab, set his helmet on the seat of his bike and turned towards you.

"I must admit, I'm impressed. No one managed to evade me for this long. I underestimated you."

"Either tell me what you want now or I'm leaving." Your voice was colder than ice. Every muscle in your body tensing, hands over your holsters, ready to feed him iron at any moment.

Sylus shrugged, eyes kept on you intently, unblinking. It was almost unnerving. "Haven't you came here for the Aether core?"

You winced. How does he...

Sylus continued, "only I can give you what you want."

That is true. Sylus can just get you the Aether core if he so wished, but you knew that would come with few strings attached, and you haven't gone quite so desperate as to make deals with the devil.

"You think I'm that naive? What proof do I have that you're not bluffing. You need to show me something to back it up."

His brow quirked in amusement, "You want proof? Then come with me." He mounted his bike and revved the engine. He haven't looked back once, because he'll already knew you'd follow him.

You arrived at some old observatory at the edge of the city. Sylus stopped shortly before reinforced metal gate before turning to you.

"Before we head inside."

"Don't order me around." You snapped back and headedinside before he could say anything else.

The dimly lit room was filled with various unmarked containers and research tech. Above your head hung an old constellation model. The only source of light came from a small lamp at edge of the table. There, an elderly man sat hunched over what you assumed were one of his newest projects.

Without lifting his head, he adressed you "If you want to order something, bring your own Protocore."

Sylus strode up from behind you, slinging a chair to the nearest table and sat down on it.

The moment the man at the table realized who else came into the room his whole demeanor changed. He rose up from his wroking spot and rushed to Sylus, nervously patting down his apron.

"I got you a new quinea pig." Sylus, uninterested in his stammer, twirled a knife in his deft hand as he spoke. "It's time for your Evol Linkage Alteration project to have a living test subject.

You stopped in your tracks, your blood running cold.

"What?!" was the only thing you could say as the door slammed behind you. Your heart started hammering in your chest. You felt like you walked right into a trap.

"You BASTARD!!! That's what you can a DEAL?!!?" You aimed both of his guns at him, but before you could react, his powers picked you up and threw you into the Altercation machine.

You screamed and threw every curse you could think of, but that didn't deter him nor the mechanic, who only patted down on the screen nervously. You haven't stopped trashing in your bindings. The mechanic watched you with concern as he spoke to Sylus. He told him what you both already knew. Your Evol is completely fine, only the strenght is supressed.

Sylus stood up and stalked towards you, the glare fiercer than before.

You matched his enger with your own. "What the hell did you expect?! Maybe I'm not the problem, maybe it's you!" You spat those words like venom. Sylus narrowed his eyes at you.

Without taking his eyes off of you, he spoke to the mechanic again.

"That thing I asked you to alter..."

"FUCK... YOUUUU!!!!" You roared through the pain. You wanted him dead, DeAd, DEAD. A strange power thrummed through you, it wasn't like when you used your evol, no this was something different. It was the Aether core in your hear. You couldn't clearly register what was happening around you, all you knew was the deep searing rage and desire to repay Sylus the pain he gave you tenfold.

Suddenly, the machine collapsed and you stumbled away from it.

When you looked around you the places was a mess

Speaking of Sylus. The man sat several feet away, pressed against the wall and the was an indent in the wall you're sure wasn't there before.

He spat out a mouthful of blood and for the first time since you came here, you felt something resembling satisfaction.

"I think that's enough of experiments of today," he gasped.

You walked towards him, deceptively calm.

"Enough? Sylus kitten, we're only starting."

You didn't care how long will it take for you to get past his Evol, or how many pain you'll have to endure, you will beat this bastard to death.

If he wanted to stop you with his powers, he wasn't fast enough before the reinforced heel of your army boot connected with his jaw.

Sylus quickly recovered from his initial shock, and parried a flurry of fists aimed at his face.

He's a good fighter. You realized as he managed to land a few succesful hits of his own. You licked the blood off of your split lip. Good. You want this to last.

You pretended to aim at his face so he shields the wrong part of him then twisted your body and send your elbow as strong as you could to his stomach. He lurched forward grabbed the back of his head and slammed it against your lifted knee.

Sylus stumbled back, one eye swollen the other giving you death glare.

"You..."

"That's fucking right!! ME!!" You grabbed one of the iron poles laying on the ground.

"Remember this face, remember this breathing sensation, cause YOU'RE going DOWN!!!!!" You sent the bar across his knee.

He dodged, "Feeling vindicated?!" He spat, his arrogant facade barely in place.

"Oh, you think this makes up for everything you've done to me?!!"

You roared at him, swinging at his head. He was taunting you to make you lose focus, but you didn't care.

"For all the pain?!??!! All the humiliation?!???"

You punctuated every word with a swing of the iron bar.

"Every single... disgusting... creepy... SLEAZY TOUCHES!!!!!!!!!!"

The sharp point grazed his neck, staining his leather jacket with more blood.

Not enough, more blood... more...

You left yourself open, giving Sylus the oportunity to grab the hand holding the bar he twisted your arm behind you painfully and kicked the back of your knee. You fall on your knees, gasping in pain.

"Is that all?! Have you finally had enough?!?" Sylus snarled above you, and twisted your arm some more, "Remember one thing, kitten, if you want to threaten someone, you need to have strenght to back it up."

He was bigger than you, stronger, even without his Evol. Just and just like any oponent of yours that thought you'd be an easy target made fatal mistake...

"And you better remember one thing," you hissed as you twisted your right arm some more. Searing pain shot through your arm but you barely felt it at this point. You used that moment to sweep your leg under him and slammed into him with the other half of your body. The bigger they are the harder they fall.

"Call me kitten again and you'll have your whole face rearranged." That was the last thing you said to him before you sent a flurry of well aimed hits in his face. The pain from your right shoulder was killing you but that didn't stop your relentless attack.

The thing that did stop you was mechanic knocking you out with his wrench.

When you next woke up, you wondered if you'll ever have non-fatal induced sleep.

You winced at the pain shooting from your right shoulder. To your suprise, your shoulder was back in its place and you had neat bandage all over your upper arm and torso. You padded your hand over your face. Several small patches littered your face. Seems like someone took a great care of putting you back together.

You assessed your surroundings and with profound dissapointment realized you're back at Sylus's place. Said man sat at the table across from you to your even greater dissapointment he didn't look half as bad as you expected.

"How come you're jumped back from all that ass-kicking this fast?"

Sylus snapped his head towards you. His mechanical crow in hand.

"Don't sound so dissapointed," he snarked. Then with much softer tone, he asks you "How's your shoulder?"

You honestly didn't know how to respond to that. There he was being concerned for you after everything he put you through. But you kept silent, you already told him that clear enough back at the warehouse.

"The auction is tomorrow in the Solon Hotel. I have to get ready if I'm to get the Aether core." You groaned as you got up from the coutch. "Don't try to stop me or it's gonna hurt."

The crow cawed at you indignantly, probably for messing with his location chip.

"Yeah, fuck you too." You mumbled half-heartedly his way as you shuffled slowly towards the door.

"You really think you they just let you in?"

"I'll find a way."

Even with your back turned to him, you could practically see him pinching the bridge of his nose

"Do you have money? Protocores aren't exactly cheap."

You sighed, the exhaustion creeping back in. You turned towards him and eyed him up and down.

His Evol has apparently healing properties, because except the mostly healed black eye, he looked fine. This whole ordeal made you realize that there is some limit to his powers, which was strangely comforting.

When Sylus approached you, his demeanor was different, and not just because of the limp he tries to subtly hide. He maintained a distance, his touch less insistent, his gaze less predatory. He even…apologized. A curt, almost clinical apology, but an apology nonetheless. He explained, in clipped tones, the details of the auction and showed you the list of atendees, complete with your fake identity on it.

He also explained to you that these men who chased you before were some former Onychinus member gone rogue. They were after Aether cores, including one in your body.

"So that's why you kidnapped me. You wanted to lure them in."

Sylus gave you a look.

You raised eyebrow at him, "Oh I'm sorry, what else would you call taking a person against their will and not letting them leave?"

His expression softened, just a fraction. "I…regret the circumstances of your arrival," he admitted, the words sounding forced and unfamiliar on his tongue. "But I believe you can play a vital role."

You saw a flicker of genuine remorse in his eyes, the first crack in his carefully constructed facade. It wasn't enough to forgive him, but it was enough to give him a chance.

Besides, you really can't do shit around N109 and you both know it. As much as it infuriates you.

He also admitted to have Aether core inside him just like you do, or so you think. The man never gave you straight answer for anything. Probably a stupid attempt to appear mysterious and have always upper hand.

"You help me get the Aether core and safely escort me out of the N109 Zone and I act as your bait and help you clean up the rats from your ranks. Sounds good?"

He chuckled and shook his head. "You sound like you're doing me a huge favor."

"Well I'm not the one desperately trying to resonate with you. Which is not happening anytime soon if you keep acting like the biggest dickhead. So unless you want to play human tennis with me again, I'd recommend trying to be a less of asshole, think you can manage that?"

Sylus was speechless for a moment, and then he barked out a laugh. It startled both you and the crow. You hated to admit it, but he had really nice laugh. Rich and deep like thrum on a bass. When he calmed down he gave you a sardonic smile.

"Think you can manage not to fall unconscious every five minutes?"

You smiled at him through gritted teeth, "I'll try my best."

Sylus nodded, an echo of genuine respect in his eyes, "then I will also try to make my presence tolerable."

You nodded, not knowing what else to say to that.

"You fight good, by the way." You rubbed the back of your head with the wrong arm, wincing immediately at the pain flaring up from your shoulder.

"Saying that must've hurt."

You sigh in feigned annoyance "You have no idea."

"You too."

"Hm?"

It was his turn to sigh.

"You're also skilled fighter."

You shrugged, "I have to be."

Something akin to a comfortable silence settled between the two of you.

You didn't trust him. Not yet. But the fact that he'd actually apologized, that he'd acknowledged his behavior, was a small victory. This is a war, and you intend to win it.

There's nothing that felt less natural to you than wearing a dress. Your combat boots were replaced with heels, khakis and compressor shirt replaced by dress that revealed to much of your scars, with a strategically placed strap to cover the bruise on your shoulder. Sylus's pick, and since he helps you get the Aether core, you have no place to object.

Despite that Sylus truly made an effort towards you. He shared yesterdays meal with you, discussing the details of the auction and their respective parts. He was starting to treat you more like a colleague than a prisoner. He tried to call you "kitten" once, but you’d glare at him until a flicker of embarrassment would flash through his eyes.

You were currently fiddling with the protocores you purchased with Sylus's credit card, lost at what to do. The Aether core was nowhere in sight and you were starting to get impatient. You passed some party guests staring at you, their looks made your skin prickle. You knew that getting attention was the point of this whole charade, but it didn't make you any less uncomfotable.

"Excuse me ma'am, that's a beutiful brooch you have there. May I buy it from you?"

You turned to the man who approached you in suprise, hand instictively reaching up to the brooch Sylus gave you just few hours ago. He said it was to complete a look and create a statement, you felt like he was marking his territory. Regardless, it was a gift, and to this moment you couldn't forget the strange, reverent look in Sylus's eyes when he gave it to you.

"Sorry, erm, but this brooch isn't for sale."

"How does ten hightower sound?" The man was relentless, like he didn't even heard you. You started to feel more and more uncomfortable.

Thankfully, Sylus came to your rescue. You never thought that you'd be grateful to see him. Playing the part of an escort didn't came easily to you, but Sylus was natural. He wrapped and arm around you for a good measure and for the first time, you weren't repulsed by his touch.

Sylus noticed that too, if the self-satisfied smile was any giveaway. He leaned closer to you and whispered.

"The Aether core is here."

It was like you were brought back to life. "Where? How much do they want for it? Is it in this floor?"

Sylus chuckled, "Patience. You'll know everything after this dance."

You stared at his extended hand in confusion. You were supposed to lure out his opponents by playing a sitting duck but...

"I don't know this dance." You fiddled with your gloves awkwardly.

Sylus kept his hand and smile in place, "I'll lead you through this dance."

You placed your hand carefully in his, "I'm not used to letting other people lead."

His hand wrapped around your waist, and the lack of repulsion was slowly turning into a funny tingles right under your skin.

"You have to have someone in your life you can depend on." the low timbre of his voice almost lulled you to sleep. You looked up into his eyes, drowning in the crimson depths. Sylus was truly a dangerous man, but not for the things you initially thought.

He twirled you on the dancefloor with ease without once breaking eye contact. You were starting to feel dizzy. This is a man who caused you a lot of pain at the beginning.

But he treated your wounds afterwards.

He treatened to drag you by the collar to get what he wants.

But swept you of your feet instead.

Conflicting thoughts swirled in your head one after another, at one point it almost became too much to bear.

"Sylus I..."

Whatever you had on your tongue died in an explosion. The plan worked maybe a bit too well. Sylus pulled you closer to protect you from falling debris, and you'd almost call the gesture chivalrous if you haven't known better.

He led you to the top of the building and warned you of the dangers the removal of the Aether core could pose. You took it anyway, because what's the worst thing that could happen?

A huge ass class S wanderer that fuckin what.

The air crackled with ozone as the Thunderbird descended. Rain lashed down on you and Sylus, making the terrain even more difficult. You crouched low, twin pistols spitting rounds of reinforced bullets at the beast’s shimmering feathers, each shot a futile attempt to pierce its impenetrable hide. Beside her, Sylus charged, energy crackling around his fists as he launched himself towards the creature, a flurry of furious blows aimed at its massive wings. The Thunderbird retaliated with a deafening screech, unleashing a bolt of lightning that singed the air.

The chain of lighting was aimed straight at you. You could only hopelessly watch as the huge wave of crackling energy surged towards you in rapid speed. You breaced for the impact but it never came.

"Sylus."

The smell of burnt flesh made you sick. You hopelessly looked at his his charred body as thunder roared around you. Sylus threw himself in front of you, absorbing the brunt of the blast.

"You fucking idiot! What have you done?" Your words were lacking their usual bite as you k

Even at a moment like this, a chuckle wheezed past his lips.

"Don't tell me you're worried about me."

He collapsed, his face pale, his breathing shalow.

"No, no... you can't die! That's not part of the deal!!"

He reached for your hand bringing you closer to him.

"You have to... press on..." Sylus rasped and coughed blood.

For the first time, you saw him not as a captor, but as a man, flawed and complicated, but capable of sacrifice. A flood of images slammed into your mind: memories, fragmented and confusing, flew through your head all at once. Press on... Press on... Must press on... Suddenly, something shifted. The energy arcing between you and him wasn't torture, but raw, untamed power. You resonated with him, finally.

Empowered by his Evol, you moved with a speed you didn't know you possessed. You emptied your clips, the silver bullets finding purchase in the gaps between the Thunderbird's armor-like feathers, each hit weakening the giant beast.

When its shield was broken, you attached it with Sylus's powers backing it up into an old transmitting antenna. You attacked relentlessly until finally the metal rod pierced its heart. The electricity flew all around as you ran towards Sylus crumpled behind a fallen debris.

Covering his body with his, you closed your eyes and prayed to whatever deity out there for this nightmare to be over. The Thunderbird shrieked one last time before tumbling from the Solus Tower for good.

Sylus, weakened by the Thunderbird’s attack, lost consciousness, and leaving you standing alone on a top of a decimated building. The rain soaking your dress completely as you breathed out the last remnants of adrenaline.

When Sylus awoke in his base, bandaged and weak, he found the brooch on the table beside him. He picked it up, turning the cold metal in his fingers. He knew you left for good and didn't even say goodbye. It was probably better this way. As he turned the brooch in his hands he remembered the events of these past few days. He saw himself through your eyes: a kidnapper, a manipulator, an abuser. The realization hit him like a physical blow. He had pushed you away, fueling the very rejection he so desperately feared.

The story wasn't over. It was just beginning. But now, for the first time, Sylus understood. He had a long road ahead of him, a road paved with atonement and regret. He had to earn your trust, your respect, and maybe, just maybe, your love. He would start by giving you the space you needed, by proving that he could be worthy of you.

He just hoped it wasn't too late. He knew that the next time he saw you, he would be more forward and honest with his desires. He'd show her the Sylus that he was, all the vulnerable, scared, and angry parts of him that he didn't allow anyone else to see.

[michanvalentine]

I don’t mean to offend anyone—everyone is free to appreciate what they like. But the comparison comes naturally when I talk about my preferences and what I enjoy in the vampire spawn path rather than the ascendant vampire one.

As I already mentioned in another post, by becoming a full vampire—or rather, a new and 'improved' one-of-a-kind vampire—Astarion, in my opinion, fully embraces his monstrous side and lets go of the remaining human traits in him. So, his way of loving Tav/Durge becomes that of an ascendant vampire, lacking some of the qualities we’re used to in typical relationships. And that’s precisely what I love about the vampire spawn path—the idea of reclaiming life, reconnecting with others, and seeking out all those aspects that once characterized his existence as just another elf (with the necessary exceptions, of course—he’s still a sneaky bloodsucker xD).

I’ve noticed, for example, that Ascendant Astarion has a very strong sense of protection toward Tav/Durge, his vampire spawn. He feels almost obligated to keep Tav/Durge safe—it’s his responsibility. I wonder if he does it as a creator or as a lover. After all, the player completely surrenders to him, gives him everything—even their own life. (Their life, for fuck’s sake! In the end, the ascendant vampire kills Tav/Durge—he takes their life. Sure, he gives them another one, but that doesn’t change the fact that he takes it. And that’s another thing I personally find unacceptable because I fight every day to live. I want to live. My life is everything—it’s precious. The idea of someone taking it from me, just for the sake of control, is unthinkable. Especially when you should love me unconditionally, for who I am and not for who you want me to be. Of course, in an evil playthrough, it makes sense for Tav/Durge to want to become a vampire, but it's not mandatory. And the fact that the relationship can't continue otherwise is a red flag for me—one that I don't even think has to do with Ascendant Astarion's fear of losing Tav/Durge. After all, if they refuse the transformation, he is the one who ends the relationship and "loses" them. But of course, I'm rambling).

Anyway, back to the point—there are even moments where the ascendant vampire reinforces this concept, such as during the second encounter with Araj Oblodra. There, he explicitly states that he will protect Tav/Durge if necessary. Now, I absolutely understand the appeal of this scenario. Really, it seems incredibly romantic. But…

…it’s a concept that hits close to home for me, because of my family history. The responsibility to protect someone belongs to parents. Parents have a duty to protect their children. A fully grown, well-adjusted adult doesn’t need protection, nor should they seek it from someone else—especially not from their partner. I say this resonates with me because, at one time, I expected this from my husband. But in doing so, I placed a responsibility on him that wasn’t actually his. I burdened him with a role that wasn’t his to carry. I had to work through this, understand the mechanism, trace it back to its origin, and dismantle it as best I could—restoring our relationship to the right balance. One of equality. Because automatically, the one being protected is subordinated to the protector.

Now, this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t support or stand by each other when needed, of course! The point is that it should be a mutual responsibility, not a one-sided one. And that ties directly back to vampire spawn Astarion, who, the morning after the graveyard scene, explicitly talks about this—about being equal partners. Same rights, same responsibilities. And how, among the various dialogue choices, the developers inserted a little trap: “I’ll always keep you safe so you’ll never need the powers of an ascendant vampire.” Sneaky! I hate that line! Just as spawn Astarion hates it—and rightfully so! If we are equals, if we are true partners, then you should not act as my protector. You should simply stand by my side, damn it! Spawn Astarion is perfectly capable of defending himself—he’s not weak, not small, and most importantly, he’s not a child. He is an adult reclaiming all his rights as an adult. He doesn’t need a babysitter.

Just like I, as a player, don’t need one. And maybe, because of my personal experience, that’s why I don’t find it appealing or romantic that Ascendant Astarion wants to protect me. I don’t need it. I function just fine on my own. I am perfectly capable of defending myself. I worked hard to regain that right and that freedom.

By the way, I’d also love to remind Ascendant Astarion that he didn’t end up in that position by chance. I was the one who guided him there throughout the game. All the more reason he should know that I don’t need protecting—I can kick ass just fine on my own.

[ussuri-tiger]

I wrote a whole thing about why Catra's decisions in the beginning of the show are very understandable, focusing a lot on Adora's complete lack of threat perception and lack of disclosure making it very hard for Catra to make the complete jump into the dark that going AWOL from an Evil Horde is, especially when you consider how Shadow Weaver shaped her world view and expectations.

As the show goes on there's a race between Catra's understanding of the Rebellion being not so bad and perhaps willing to forgive and her own transgressions ruling her out as a possible beneficiary of such forgiveness, a door that is fully shut with the events of Shadow Weaver joining the rebellion and the Portal.

There's a few stages to Catra's evolution through the show though it keeps the same overall trajectory. Initially she's, imo, trying to replicate the safety and camaraderie she had with Adora by forming the Super Pals Trio. She'll have their back and they'll have her back, and it works pretty well up until the Crimson Wastes where repeated body blows to her psyche put her in a frame of mind to make some truly awful decisions.

One series of awful decisions later her trajectory is altered as she alters herself to fit the expectations and roles of the Horde, there's a lot less Catra in Catra by season four compared to earlier seasons because as much as lashing out and anger are a part of her personality that's a flattening of her character and this flattening is to help her serve her role and push her guilt aside with anger.

Ultimately this both succeeds and fails, succeeds in the sense that she has the Alliance on the ropes and displaces Hordak as leader but fails because as much as she's at war with the Princess Alliance she's also at war with herself and she's losing that war. Then the Heart reverses the fortunes of the war against the Alliance too.

Now you have a thoroughly tormented catgirl who's been harmed by others but more recently harmed by herself all to get a role whose supposed safety has proven illusory fighting a war that's now turned against her.

All that for nothing. Catra's not so much feeling energized to do better as much as too exhausted to keep doing worse her self-worth is nil. 'What're you waiting for, do it' are her words to Glimmer when she's got the magical equivalent of a gun pointed at her.

And then she goes to space.

Given time and space in the semi-captivity of Prime's ship she's given a chance to think and be introspective. Her self-worth probably recovers a bit in this time but not by much, she goes through the motions but...

Trinity : Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be.

She's climbed power structures before, she's been the underdog before, she's played a bad hand well for her own power before and she hated it. Still, she knows how it works and it's as much habit as choice by now, surviving.

With Prime though things are harder, she has even less agency in how she fits into the Galactic Horde. With Glimmer reminding Catra how alone she is and Adora just being seen to remind her of something she cares about.

Both Glimmer and Adora keep her from fully succumbing to that habit. Glimmer nettles her about how alone Catra is and seeing Adora threatened reminds Catra that she still cares. Then Glimmer asks a lonely catgirl to stay and she does. While I don't think Catra makes her final decision at this point I do think this is the last external push needed for Catra to change her course, she gets the rest of the way there sitting in a window watching the apocalypse from orbit.

The key here, in my opinion, isn't Catra's intrinsic willingness to do nice things so much as her willingness to bear the usually brutal cost. Because that's her life, when she does something nice she very often catches hell for it so she tries to be discreet, a bit nice perhaps but not so nice that she gets caught. Now though, with Catra's self-worth still pretty low and her future looking bleak at best, her life is not such a high price to pay, if she can help someone she loves... still.

So she saves Glimmer, helps Adora and apologizes to her, she knows she's going to catch hell for this but she's accepted that.

Getting saved and having to continue living in the aftermath of that choice is almost as hard as the choice itself, in Corridors she poured hours or perhaps days of intentionality into 5-10 minutes of saving Glimmer and apologizing to Adora. Now she has to learn to bring that intention to the present which is hard for her but she does manage it.

Catra Rant! >w<

Everything has a cause and effect. If you don’t water a flower it will die. If you tell a child their worth and literal life is based on and how much another person loves them, they will believe you. That child will learn to do anything for that person’s affection, as she was told she would be literally killed if that person didn’t like her anymore.

What she-ra does amazing at showing is how someone can do bad things, but that doesn’t make them a bad person. Catra obviously throughout the show makes many bad choices and hurts many people but that is because she was desperately fighting to make herself a title and give herself worth when Adora left.

A lot of anti-catra’s make the argument that Catra had the opportunity to leave with Adora, but let me count the times and reasons she (and you) wouldn’t want to go with her, keeping in mind how her worth was defined by her relationship with Adora her whole life:

When Adora initially left she told Catra to stay behind so she could sneak out and then from Catra’s perspective ran away with two strangers who where now her best friends (replaced Catra) and the only reason she asked her to come along was because she was there in the moment. Adora never tried to go back for her.

She went out of her way to save glimmer and bow after princess prom, but Catra damn well knew Adora never came back for her. And yet Catra still saved her from the horde and gave her back her sword. Does Adora understand why? No, does Catra even know why? Probably not consciously, but subconsciously it’s because she cares so deeply about Adora, she just won’t admit it to herself because the ways she was betrayed by Adora.

And THEN Adora (accidentally) tells Catra that Shadow Weaver abandoned and used Catra to get to Adora which sends her in a complete mental spiral and she ends up setting off the portal in a manic episode.

in the portal, Adora forcibly Tazed and kidnapped Catra to bring her to the sword with her, where her intention was good but also Tazing someone you love to force them to come with you? Not very smart, I’d be pretty pissed too.

At that point Catra was so caught up in being her own person, even if that meant being the bad guy, just to separate herself from someone who hurt her so badly. It makes sense that it took her loosing Hordak’s trust, Scorpia’s relationship, DT’s relationship, her title, EVERYTHING for her to fully understand that “oh shit I need to move past what Adora did to me and fix what greater good I can while I’m still alive”

Everything that happened to Catra was the cause for her actions. Cause and Effect. Does that make it okay? No. Does it make her a bad person? Also no.

You while reading allat:

I’m sorry <3

[official-bagpipes]

SPOTIFY ROUND DEUX ‼️‼️

9 13 16 18 25 eheehee

OOOOHOOHOHOHHOOO

9: Favourite lyrics of your #1 song

Under the waves and the earth of an age Lie a thousand old northerners' graves Deep in the night when the moon's glowing bright They come rising up into the night

(link)

This is def a song I like more for the vibes/theme than the lyricism. The lyrics are simple, but convey a yearning for familiarity and a homesickness that, when combined with the very ephemeral waltzing music, create a very hallowed and hollow sound <333

13: The song with the most peculiar sound (to you)

oooooh a tough one!! After looking through, I think I'm going to have to go with my #10 song

(link)

I am OBSESSED with the buildup of this song. The beginning being these two dancing bell melodies while this thrumming synth slowly starts growing around them. OUGH it's just such a banger ALL WHILE being a very heartbreaking song. I really can't pick another song that is similar to this song both in musical composition, theme, and tone. I have a playlist I created to house similar songs to this one (named "Good God when the Glock Hits") but I have struggled to find other songs for it.

The reason that I picked this one over a few other contenders is that, while other songs at least have relatives in their albums or from the artists, Signs is a Bloc Party black sheep. To my knowledge, there are NO other Bloc Party songs with this type of musical makeup and tone.

IF ANYONE KNOWS ANY COMPARABLE SONGS, PLEASE SEND THEM MY WAY!!!!

16: A song everyone should know

(link)

This is #67 on my wrapped! I picked it bc everyone needs a pick-me-up every once in a while and I like this one's theme of manic self-actualization.

18: A song that describes your year so far

(link)

This has been a year of big changes for me and navigating those ups and downs has been tough. I like how this song has a steadfastness to it, and exudes a confidence in oneself in spite of the challenges life doles out.

25: Favourite lyrics of your #100 song

I learned shame when I was young I will do better in the morning Choked libido fucked me up I will do better in the morning Suck me dry you uptight fakers You stole from me lovemaking I'm always left with the taste in my mouth I will do better in the morning

(link)

Thank you for the Asks!!!!

Spotify Wrapped Game

[itz-pandora]

There's only one person I truly hate with all my being

[anonymocha]

finally coming out as a dyke in 2023 is realizing i dont need to pretend to simp that Guy just because everyone else in my friend group does

[danmeichael]

"shen qingqiu is a liar who is lying about his feelings so we can't ACTUALLY tell how he feels about anything"

so you admit that you can tell he is lying and by extension you can actually discern what his true feelings on the matter are and that he's just unwilling to admit to them.

[bonefall]

jayfeather and moleflight toxic yaoi…

Oh wow there's not even anything in the Molejay tag. Is this pair so rare it's not been done yet?

Jayfeather and Moleflight, toxic yaoi, "I named myself after the time I trounced your angelic ass" and "I've personally assigned my entire afterlife to trying to prevent you from causing chaos." They want to kiss each other sooo bad it makes them look stupid. The rituals, they are so intricate.

[paging-possum]

Like it’s soooo easy to fall into despair and just assume something is fundamentally wrong and idk man sometimes you are just working with different pieces than everyone else and it sucks! But also sometimes you have to grit your teeth and figure out what the root of the problem is and what you yourself can do to improve it and it’s also going to be soooo easy to think of the solutions as big and daunting and impossible which is why you have to break it down AGAIN and figure out the smallest and most tangible ways to work towards it possible. Like who gives a fuck if your goal is just text one person a day that’s still SOMETHING, and if you keep doing it then maybe someday it won’t be as scary!! Maybe it’s writing for five minutes a day or maybe you start by asking people if they want to hang out and study for an afternoon or maybe you try eating an extra piece of fruit every few days i don’t freaking know but sometimes it really is just about doing something small and manageable over nothing at all and letting it build up. Idk. I’m just some guy who tries to talk in a discord server every day

[arttsuka]

hey ho I just noticed that amongst many of your posts you have some pretty nasty things to say about yourself! As a concerned follower I am here to tell you that does you no good whatsoever, and have expierenced where it can lead you to! (Even when said in jest)

As an outside observer I have determined that exactly 0 of your negative statements are true, so don't believe the lies you tell yourself! Change statements like "my art sucks" to "my art is pretty neat!" (Because it is) "....just kill me" to ".... just give me shrimp" (or fav food/object) "I feel awful and lonely" to " I see the sun rise and its beautiful, I feel nice." And "I have more friends than i realise" ( notice something beautiful or do things you like and appreciate them, you'll start to feel better I promise!

Take a moment to slow down and just breathe and observe all the good things around you (go outside if you have to)

Heres a book that talks about changing your inner monologue for the better, "What to say when you talk to yourself" by Shad Helmstetter its definitely worth a read

I love you and sending a crushing bear hug to you! 🫂🫂💙💙💙

Unfortunately yes I have many bad things to say about myself (I am my biggest hater).

I've been around some pretty toxic people in the past (and present, most of them are my relatives, yikes) and I guess it's just easier to say negative things about me rather than hear them say things (behind my back).

I try to do better but when you don't fit into society the way other people do, it's kinda disheartening, makes me wanna give up.

Sometimes I wish I was like everyone else honestly, or have some confidence.

I'll definitely try to check out that book, thanks for the recommendation :)

Many hugs to you too anon 🫂🫂

[puppppppppy]

bestieesssss /platonic

(Xīn Yá belongs to me, Sailor belongs to @crow-cap)

[disappearinginq]

I hate that people on a whole don't understand a narrative. Like...your English/literature teacher should've flunked people over this.

Probably the people who understand it best are the ones marginalized in life, because hey, we see ourselves in those characters. Other people have the luxury of just going "eh" and moving on.

But when hugely popular shows and movies and even books keep killing off their marginalized and suffering characters as the "only way this could've ended" I want to reach through a screen and choke them out because stop telling me the world is better without me in it., Or I will take you with me, and we'll see who's mourned.

It's not even just Bury Your Gays. In Outer Banks, they kill of the kid who is told from season 1 that you'll never make anything of yourself. You will always be poor, homeless, unloved, and alone. And then spend three and a half seasons showing you that this character absolutely will beat his own narrative - he finds friends that are his family, he finds a life he loves with the people he loves and they love him back, and then - they kill him. BUT THE RICH BITCH FUCKING PSYCHOPATH GETS A REDEMPTION ARC? I don't care how good the actors are, the narrative has now wildly swung from 'you can make it if you don't give up' to 'don't even bother - life will find a way to beat you down to where you belong' and airing two days after the catastrophic American elections - where the billionaires and greed and hate win?

The Umbrella Academy had three seasons of fun, quirky, broken people who tried so hard to fix their mistakes, to fix what they broke, and canonically, are representing marginalized groups that never get the happy endings. But dammit, this family tried. They didn't always get along, they were dysfunctional, but they still came together in the end, and loved one another despite the bad they have done. And then - the narrative again spins a wild one eighty and the story ends with "the world is better without you in it - die". Which is a very real narrative a lot of us live with.

The MCU - kills off Iron Man/Tony Stark, one of the very first popular characters who suffers from extreme CPTSD along with an alphabet of mental disorders; Loki, who is the adopted child and queer across the board, loses absolutely everyone and everything; Steve, who while he isn't dead, his character most certainly is because he goes from the one who does sacrifice everything to making a selfish, personal decision that winds up fucking over everyone; Bucky, who again isn't dead but he is openly blamed for the things he did while he was a prisoner and a mind-controlled assassin for the bad guys against his will by his mental health professional. And the narrative is "no, you should sacrifice yourself so the rest of us who treated you like shit can live a better life."

The stupidity of wanting to punish your audience who is punished enough in the real world often enough we don't need it or want it in fiction is just...mind boggling. And when those are the real words used by writers to justify their shit decisions?

I hope your death serves a narrative purpose, since you seem to think that is the noblist way to go.

[michameinmicha]

Spent the whole day packing with the help of my best friend, i am so exhausted and we got half my room in boxes but im really proud (and excited and sad and scared) its so surreal that this really happening!!

[belzebong]

Firm believer in Hurley becoming the guardian being his bad ending

[crows-of-buckets]

Me drawing my warden: haha ooo fun death symbolism :D silly little gal!!! My cutie patootie!! My baby girl!!

Me explaining my wardens personality: death has been a presence over her shoulder since she can remember. She awaits the fall of the blade like an inevitability. A creature claws in her chest, scratching and fighting like a rabid animal for survival. The creature doesn't care who it hurts. She survives despite the guilt, because what else has she ever done? What else will she ever do?

[sskk-manifesto]

(´･ᴗ･ ` )