#How many noodles

[cuubism]

tagged by @the-apocrypha, @magnusbae, @valiantstarlights in last line tag game 🥰

from Complex Math elopement chapter. they just got engaged and now they're killing time before the registrar's office opens trying unsuccessfully to make pasta in the middle of the night

--

“You don’t have any champagne, do you?”

“Death has vodka in the kitchen,” Dream says. “She says she buys it for cooking, but the rate at which she makes penne alla vodka does not match the rate at which the vodka is depleted.”

“Look at you, deductive mathematician,” Hob says, grinning. “Well, vodka shots it is. Unless you wanted to use it for its intended purpose and cook something?”

“We have the ingredients,” Dream realizes.

“Good! I’m hungry. Come on.” Hob takes Dream’s hand and drags him out of bed. Dream is helpless to do anything but follow him; he doesn’t care what they do with their time, he just wants to be around Hob.

Half-dressed in mismatched clothes, they wind up in the kitchen. Dream’s efforts at quieting Hob’s mind have evidently been completing unsuccessful, because Hob immediately starts pulling ingredients out of everywhere and laying them out on the counter in an unorganized mess. How Hob even manages to function while cooking, Dream doesn’t know, but somehow the result is always tasty, which Dream can never manage.

“You’re in charge of sauce ‘cuz I know you won’t want to get the pasta dough on your hands,” Hob says, setting a pan on the stove and passing him tomato sauce, onion, garlic, and several other ingredients Dream doesn’t immediately clock as he gathers them in his arms. It’s possible Death had all these ingredients on hand because she intended to cook this exact meal later in the week… Dream will have to make it up to her.

“You intend to make pasta by hand?” Dream asks.

Hob is already laying out flour on the countertop. Dream gets briefly distracted watching his hands. “Why not? We’ve got ten hours.”

Dream supposes neither of them would be able to sleep tonight anyway. And he is getting hungry.

He watches Hob crack an egg into the center of the flour, and decides it was good indeed that Hob handed him the other ingredients instead. Even the enjoyment of being able to look at Hob’s forearms as he kneads the dough can’t override the visual squish of the egg. Dream decidedly looks away.

There is, in fact, a recipe, which Hob’s laid out between them on the counter, so Dream starts trying to follow its instructions in terms of cooking the sauce. He is not so good at cooking. He is used to determining his own rules and procedures, not following instructions. But he dutifully starts trying to dice an onion.

By the time he has the sauce simmering, Hob has the dough partly mixed, which is to say he’s covered in flour and has sticky egg mixture up to the elbow. Dream can’t help but laugh at the sight of him.

“Dream,” Hob whines. “Don’t just stand there and laugh. Help me!”

“It was your idea,” Dream reminds him.

Hob yelps as a dribble of egg escapes the containment of the flour and starts sliding towards the counter edge. “Dream! Marriage is about teamwork!”

Dream pours out some more flour, creating a wall between the egg and the edge of the counter. Hob scoops it all in towards itself and starts kneading again. “How are you going to shape that into penne?” Dream asks.

“I don’t know. Don’t you know I have mainly bad ideas?”

Dream leans against Hob’s back, hooking his chin over his shoulder to watch. “You do not have mainly bad ideas. This, however, might be one.”

“Thanks for the support.”

Dream kisses the side of Hob’s neck, smiling to himself. “I will fetch you a rolling pin.”

Eventually, as Dream works on finishing up the sauce, Hob gets the pasta dough rolled out into a flat rectangle. He studies it critically, hands on hips. “This might have been too much.”

“It will make approximately one hundred and thirty-two penne noodles,” Dream says.

“‘Approximately’ one hundred thirty-two? How do you figure that?”

“A penne noodle is a cylindrical concave hexagon. It's a simple matter of determining the area of the hexagon, then how many hexagons fit within the area of the pasta sheet,” Dream says. “Of course, you have to take into consideration the fact that the edges of the sheet would create partial shapes.”

Hob rubs his forehead. “This is what I get for dating a maths student.” He’s grinning underneath it all, though. “Alright, how many linguine can I make out of it? Because I’m thinking about the effort involved in penne and I’m rapidly losing interest.”

“Approximately eighty-seven linguine.”

“Okay, do you think you can eat forty-three and a half linguine?”

“I don’t know.”

Hob starts cutting the dough anyway. They don’t have a pasta roller, so he’s just winging it with a pizza cutter. Dream is feeling increasingly dubious about how all this will turn out, but Hob seems to be enjoying himself which is entertaining to watch.

“How’s the sauce coming along?” Hob asks.

“Fine.”

Hob sets aside the pasta temporarily to taste a spoonful of sauce.

He immediately chokes. “How much—” he coughs, spluttering, “Dream, how much vodka did you put in that?”

Dream frowns, looking at the recipe. “It says ‘4’.”

“Four what?”

“Cup.”

“Four CUPS? You put FOUR CUPS of vodka in it??”

It hadn’t struck Dream as strange, but then, he doesn’t usually drink vodka—or cook—so what would he know.

Hob takes the recipe, squints. “I think it’s supposed to be a quarter cup but the one is faded… Jesus Christ.” He takes another spoonful of sauce and holds it to Dream’s mouth. “Try.”

Dutifully, Dream tries the sauce. It is… Well. It’s vodka.

His face must twist, for Hob starts laughing. Dream starts laughing, too. It really is awful. It will pair well with the linguine.

“We’ll just have to let it simmer for a while, the alcohol will burn off eventually. Mostly. Don’t add the cream yet. And you know what, give me that.” He takes the bottle of vodka, almost empty now, pours a shot and tosses it back. He shakes himself. “Jesus Christ.”

“You should have known you’d be doing all the cooking from now on,” Dream tells him. “I don’t intend to learn.” He’s simply had to accept the fact that it’s not in his skill set. Particularly as he doesn’t tend to eat much in the first place.

“You intend to let me spoil you.” Hob steps in close, taking Dream’s hips in his hands—fortunately now merely lightly dusted with flour—and bringing him in close. He leans his face against Dream’s, their noses brushing. “And I will.”

--

Dream:

tagging @five-and-dimes, @dsudis, @hardly-an-escape

[skellydun]

Hobbies are supposed to be fun I mutter to myself as I fuck up the thing I've been working on for what feels like forever and have to fix it AGAIN

[an-albino-pinetree]

All the Jaxes should also get tipsy. Please.

I put all of my remaining energy into this, I’m so sorry sdgjg

By the way, og Jax would be the stupid drunk who makes a fool of himself-

[sea-jello]

hong kong miku,,,

[cobaltfluff]

where should they eat ???

[whimsycreechur]

THOSE SHOES OMFG,,,,

I love him so much istg,,,, he looks so peepaw,,,,

ALSO!! YOU CAN TAKE HIS TOP OFF I-

WHY HE SO SKINNY

[forvegaspetessake]

Under-giffed moments (6/?)

Arm cleaning his glasses

[selfspinninglies]

uh body horror kinda ?? roots coming out of body

hi this took almost 5 hours anyway hope you like it heres some closeups cause tumblrs probably gonna kill the quality , please reblog this

[castiel-kline]

someone get this kid an ICE PACK

for @akozuheiwa <33

Krel Knockout Stats:

- By my count, there were 41 total Krel knockouts in 3B!

- 19 of those knockouts were in season 1; 22 of them were in season 2

- Krel hit the ground, wall, or otherwise sustained a head injury in 18 of 26 episodes — in other words, about 69% of 3Below episodes

- Race to Trollmarket features the most Krel knockouts (8) and Ill Gotten Gains comes close behind with 7

- Concerningly, 10 knockouts were because of someone Krel trusts: 2 by Steve, 3 by Vex, and the other 5 by Aja

- About 9 knockouts were Krel’s own fault, because he either jumped into danger (literally) or because he simply fell over

[something-something-peaceful]

Remember when dark versions of YouTubers were a thing? Would the dark versions of now canceled YouTuber (I’m specifically mentioning the ones that have been cancelled for good reason) be like actually good people? Like “hi I’m (insert opposite version of name), I’m not racist and I’ve never talked to a kid in a weird way. I love my partner and we met under very normal circumstances.”

[algodon-candi]

It never ends huh

[darewolfcreates]

Really excited for this splatfest. I really love food.

[cant-think-of-namekfc]

Just to clarify this Is a Gorillaz-centric blog

[scorchedmizar]

wtf I just want friends, why everybody gotta keep confessing to me???

mf don't even know what I look liiikkkee

[lunarlicorice]

I think snatcher is the only character in ahit where his in-game model is like. very noticeably worse than the official art. which is a shame because he's got my favorite design...

[scuddle-bubble101]

What is happening, why is this happening... I haven't even been that active due to being sick and stuff WHAT'S GOING ON HUFNCJVHNJ