#Homicidal Ideation

[love-me-love-my-weirdness]

“Hurting those who hurt you will not solve anything”

Maybe not but fantasising about it will solve my urge to punch a wall

[autopsyfreak]

Homicidal Ideation

homicidal ideation is the term for having active thoughts about murdering others. these thoughts can be intrusive, however they can also often be voluntary.

misconceptions:

‘people who have these thoughts either have killed someone or will kill someone in the future’ - this is false. most people who have these thoughts usually have disordered behaviours (most commonly as a result of personality disorders) and struggle to find healthy ways to cope with their emotions, therefore provocation and stress can easily cause thoughts of inflicting harm onto others. this doesn’t inherently mean these people are dangerous, nor does it mean that they’re going to act upon these thoughts. most people who experience homicidal ideation never act on it and use it more as a way to process their distress/frustration internally.

‘having these thoughts about people in your life means you can’t possibly care for them’ - also false. caring for someone doesn’t make them an exception to mental illness and it doesn’t stop your mental illnesses from existing. to think that someone’s love for you is only valid as long as they’re not displaying traits of mental illness is unfair and is hugely misinformed. to love and be loved by someone who is mentally ill is to accept that they will display symptoms of their mental illness. you are not the exception and they do not love you any less by showing traits of being unwell.

‘so you endorse murder’ - no. that’s not at all what this means and if you seriously think this then your grasp of severe mental health issues is too limited to be commenting on such topics.

‘you’re evil’ - for being unwell? don’t be a cunt. if you seriously think that having a disordered manner of processing emotions internally makes someone ‘evil’ then that sounds more like an issue with you being too sensitive and having a lack of understanding, not an issue with the mentally ill person experiencing these thoughts. don’t make your inability to understand mental illness into someone else’s problem.

as someone who does experience homicidal ideation, it’s also important to not make the mistake of assuming everyone who is mentally ill experiences these thoughts either. i had an anonymous ask earlier today that directly associated the fact i’m mentally unwell with murder and homicidal thoughts, to immediately make this assumption just because someone is mentally ill is disgusting.

[anemic-carnivore]

I wanna curb stomp her I wanna slice her face with a cleaver I wanna fucking make her regret everything. she thinks she's fucking better than me and thinks she has power over me because she has a million friends and connections and I don't.

I wish I wasn't so pathetic and could actually hurt her the same way she hurts me.

[nekrotastikextasy]

Fuck I need to kill something so fucking bad. I'm so fucking pissed off and my hands are ITCHING to fucking stab someone.

[thehomicidalbaby]

“Everyone wants a yandere partner until”

Until what? They have a mental/psychotic breakdown? They panic when I don’t answer in time? They threaten the lives of myself & everyone I know? They suspect I don’t love them or that I’m interested in someone else? They need my constant attention/affection or they feel like they’re going insane? It hurts them to be away from me? They lash out & harm me? They have uncontrollable thought/urges, mental illnesses & trauma that make them feel unloveable?

Sweetheart, there is no “until”. I love you. No matter what illness you have. No matter if you hurt me. No matter if you hurt yourself. No matter how many times I need to reassure you. No matter the severity of your episodes. You think I care if you’re insane? That is precisely why I chose you, the reason that I want you. You can’t scare me away. I’m here, darling. I’m not going anywhere & neither the fuck are you.

[sillynarcissist]

I cannot relate to "violent intrusive thoughts" all my violent and homicidal thoughts are welcome. I WISH I could fucking indulge in them, but I have some self control.

I will sit and kick my feet and daydream endlessly about brutalizing people because it makes me feel better. I will never do anything I fantasize about, buy I do get stuck on those fantasies, and I've decided to be proud of them !!

[mxlign]

Woke up and went straight to fantasizing how I would slaughter this bitch. Pretty much sums up who I am as a person.

[narcfyodor]

Aspd traits/homicidal ideation are SO FUCKING annoying.

Tw for homicidal thoughts/urges

People who demonize people with homicidal ideation DNI. I don't support my homicidal ideation. This is a rant.

.

.

.

.

.

A minor inconvenience happened and now I just have the intense urge to kill someone or at least beat someone up. Not even any person specific just a person. And this happens EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. multiple times 😭😭😭

[love-me-love-my-weirdness]

Anyone who talks about how “edgy” they are needs to go take a bath in acid.

It makes it so hard for people to talk about their actual homicidal ideation or low empathy or low guilt or delusions or other stigmatised symptoms of mental illness.

I shouldn't have to clarify that my delusions are actual harmful, prolonged periods of distorted reality or that when I say I want to kill someone I mean that I have dark fantasies where I kill them in graphic detail.

I don't feel empathy. I don't feel guilt. Most of the time, I don't feel anything for other people. It's not quirky. It's not a joke. It's not something you can say you experience only to turn around and criticise the moment I go more in depth.

Stop trying to be cool by imitating mental illnesses. It's pathetic.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

NPD + Homicidal Ideation culture is feeling like you’re pushing the NPD stigma more because you actually do want to hurt people

.

[antisocialsharky]

Hi! I've not been diagnosed with ASPD (though I suspect I have it), but I do experience some pretty bad homicidal ideation. I know you've talked about that before on your Insta.

I've been doing a lot of research into HI to try to better understand myself, learn coping mechanisms, learn how to address it, etc, and I've been shocked by just how little there is. Truly, there's nothing. The best information I've found has come from criminal psychology, and that, one, is working from the perspective of serial killers, and two, never outlines coping mechanisms and treatment methods and such (which has made me realize the entire field of criminal psychology is abelist, in that it cares more about satisfying curiosity on what makes monsters instead of learning how to help people, but that's neither here nor there).

I guess I'd like to ask if you've ever seen decent information about HI before? How have your therapists treated it? I find I'm usually the one teaching my therapists all about what HI is and what it feels like and everything. I've never found anyone who could teach me anything I didn't already know from my own trial and error. Have you had the same experience?

It's getting to the point where I'm just making my own awareness blog to discuss what HI's really about, share information and coping mechanisms, share how I've managed mine, etc. I think most people with HI have gone through the struggle of feeling alienated by it, then feeling monstrous because the best representations of ourselves that we can find are in serial killers (real or fictional), and then having to learn by ourselves how to deal with it (or never learning and floundering without support and ultimately harming people). I went through it, and I don't want other folks to go through that shit too.

I know ASPD (and other cluster Bs) are also frequently misunderstood and under-researched, and I suspect that's been a big motivator for you making your awareness accounts. How has that process gone? And do you have tips for managing these types of accounts?

Bit of a longer post than I intended, apologies. I hope you're doing well. I really appreciate your posts ^^

Hello there ^^

The lack of information about HI really is a problem and I think you're probably right if you say, that they just wanna satisfy their curiosity! Additionally I think they just also don't feel the need to come up with help & coping strategy stuff, because in their minds anyone who experiences HI is, as you said, a "monster" and thus beyond help anyway. They do not perceive HI as something that regular people struggle with, or would like to work on, cus if they'd acknowledge that, they'd have to acknowledge that they themselves and their friends/family/etc. are technically capable of it too. If you know anything about humans, you'll know, that they are terrified of being someone who could hurt others/make mistakes/do something amoral, so they create a category of people who are far removed from them and who are now the only ones capable of committing such acts (and are usually not even seen as human anymore, cus that makes it essier to argument that you don't need to help these ppl, etc....yk rly just the strategy thats behind a lot of bigotry 🤷🏻‍♂️ dehumanizing others so you dont feel guilty for demonizing them, works wonders). That much for that!

In terms of the questions, I gotta say, I have not really seen much decent info about HI no! As you said, theres some in criminal psychology and some personality disorder related articles lightly touch on the topic, but never beyond basic info.

My past psychs have all treated it a bit differently

• Psych 1 at age 15 listened without judgement and recognized me with conduct disorder with later ASPD probability (cus I already met all of the ASPD symptoms) and insisted, that due to my explicit plans, I should go inpatient for a bit (went voluntarily, left after a week, had I not wanted to go at all, they probably would have sectioned me involuntarily).

• Psych 2 at age 16/17 just ignored it completely tbh! I told her and she was like "yeah I dont see that, that seems a bit extreme for your age" and we never talked about it again, so safe to say she knew jackshit and I didnt like her, so I didnt bother explaining.

• Psych 3 at age 19/20, who I only saw shortly, also listened without judgement and said that my HI in connection to my other symptoms definitely sounds like ASPD and recommended to get an updated assessment. He unfortunately said he wouldnt be able to treat me tho (idk what motivation that statement had).

• Psych 4 at age 22ish till now, absolutely blamed it all on puberty and told me it was very normal that I was so angry and wanted revenge at age 15 and that my HI now, is just still some anger simmering away or whatever. But shes a shit psych overall, who doesnt seem to be able to grasp that not everyone thinks prosocially, so I genuinely didnt bother explaining anything.

So overall I think with exception for psych 1, none of them knew shit about HI or weren't ready to treat it/acknowledge it. Which, as far as I've heard, is a very common experience for ASPDers (and also other ppl who experiences HI).

Making your own account about it sounds like an amazing plan! Theres definitely not enough out there who focus on the topic ^^

As for the process of my own account, that one was partially indeed motivated by wanting to create a space for ppl with that diagnosis (cus back then there were only 1 or 2 cluster B accounts on insta that mentioned ASPD at all!) and possibly helping others feel less alone & less monstrous, cus feeling like that has definitely driven me into bad communities and situations before. Partially, it was also motivated by the fact, that online attention, is a relatively easy way for me to fuel my need for certain stuff and I knew I'd step on a lot of ppls toes with my posts and be confronted with ableists and would get to discuss with them and theres just a certain thrill about putting your thoughts out there and not knowing whether people will like it or not. The online world serves as a big coping mechanism for me, as well as a source of community!

The process of making the account and running it successfully is indivdiual, but I do have some tips:

• you may wanna make sure that any info you state as a sort of "fact" can be "proven" by science (tho science is ofc never 100% fact but yk what I mean), cus otherwise ppl who may ask for proof or may look things up, will not take your account seriously and may class you as spreading misinfo and thats a hard label to lose again

• if you insert personal experience, you may benefit from being very explicit about the fact, that its just YOUR experience and that you're not trying to dictate how everyone with HI/a certain condition feels. ppl online very often lack that particular skill of reading comprehension & criticial thinking, where they can look at a post about something that they have and realize that this post is maybe just simply not about them/their symptoms. you'll need a lot of patience for the "okay but not everyone...", "but what about...", "okay but I am different because...." comments. like a LOT of patience xD

• with HI especially, you will run into a lot of ableism, but also just a lot of the whole "having a symptom is not an excuse to commit harm" crowd or "the symptom as an explanation doesnt mean you get to not work on that symptom" typa people or yk any variation rly. so before you grow as an account, its benefitial to think about where you personally would draw the boundaries as to which symptoms need to be worked on, what harm is "okay" without an apology, what harm is "not okay" without an apology, whether you wanna work on it from a harm reduction perspective or reframing which aspects of HI are seen as harmful in the first place or....the list goes on. if you have an inconsistent framework that could harm the potential of your account, maybe! (some ppl drive very well on the road of contradicting themselves, so its ofc up to u, but this is something I've learned over the years)

• if people who DM you/comment/etc. are not willing to listen to you, or are not open to considering your perspective, there is no shame in using the block button! you cannot have a productive conversation with someone who is already convinced they're right and is unwilling to learn! save your energy for those who do wanna learn!

• people usually love accounts that have a personality! mine was a lot more successfull when I put cute animal stickers on everything and leaned on the soft boy with bad guy disorder contradiction a lot (which to be fair wasn't a lie, I rly liked the aesthetic), or when I talked a lot about my personal life and stuff! even today ppl associate me with being the shark guy who just also happens to have this disorder! so giving ppl something to be interested in beyond your content topic, is a cool way to have them relate/like you & your account more!

• another personal trick of mine on insta were story games, but userboxes work just as well! ppl love interactive content! they love posting those silly things to their stories and making highlights to describe themselves with that stuff and thats a rly easy way to broaden exposure and have people follow you for that and then handily reaching them with your educational content too!

Thats all I can think of right now really! ^^

[thehomicidalbaby]

Okay stalker boyfriend, ready when you are.

[multiplesillylittleguys]

My god complex makes life so much easier for me

It also makes me want to violently murder anyone who acts like they're better than me in any way.

-Maia

[tiredtourettic]

homicidal ideation going crazy like STOP FUCKING LAUGHING OR I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU YOU'RE SO FUCKING ANNOYING

[autopsyfreak]

homicidal ideation is running rampant in my brain

[thispeachisweird]