#He fully walked into Bucks place made him get up made him take Chris out so he could get out and feel better he CARES SO MUCH

[sloasis]

His smile ... I'm so sick , he's sooooo in loveeeeeeeeee

[lover-of-mine]

Let's talk about this and patterns in the show, shaw we?

Okay, so Buck wearing green here is stressing me out now. I have a really long meta in Buck and green and red clothing (you can read it here), but I'll explain the green side of the point here if you don't want to read that. Basically, Buck wears a lot of red, enough for it to be a stable color for him, and red's complementary color is green. He's usually on the reds, pinks, and oranges.

The point of a complementary color, is to create contrast, and they used green on Buck in the coma world, so we would feel like something is wrong even if we can't quite figure out why.

They made a lot of choices about his wardrobe in the coma dream that just looked weird, up to getting him black vans instead of the usual white hightops, and that creates a contrast with the usual Buck that's unsettling.

Why is that relevant? Well, green is his something is wrong color. The coma world being the most blatant example because that sweater is green, BUT he wears green during breakups and when he's doing misguided stupid shit in the name of love. The breakup with Ali, the breakup with Taylor, and I will throw in the graveyard as a breakup with Eddie, because that's the feel of the scene and he's wearing green, but technically he's just being an idiot about love.

He's also wearing green when he takes Red to see Cindy, subsequently when he talks to Maddie about how it feels to always be left, when he's hiding at Eddie's place because he doesn't want to confront Taylor because that would lead to them breaking up and he's not there yet, and when he is trying to convince himself Abby is coming back (this last one really confused me but I did color picked a palette out of that shirt and that's green).

But if we established enough of a pattern to say he does misguided shit when it comes to love, like inserting himself in Red's love life, saying this random woman he met 5 minutes ago really sees him, trying to convince himself the women who fled the country is coming back to him, then Buck wearing green with Eddie is worrying.

Because if you look at the conversations they have in the firehouse, they are usually close to the point but still need something else to truly fix the situation, they hiding something or holding on to something they shouldn't, and it goes from the first fight at the gym with the way Buck is making his insecurities about Eddie and not really working through what's really bothering him, after the lawsuit, they do clear the air but Eddie is still hiding the whole fighting thing and the fighting thing actually makes Eddie flinch away from Buck, when they are talking after the dinner with Buck's parents, Eddie is trying to have a conversation but Buck wants to hold on to anger, when they are talking about the panic attacks, Eddie shuts Buck out because he doesn't want to admit Buck is right yet, and when they are talking about Chris having nightmares, Eddie is fully taking the blame for Chris missing Shannon, even if that's something completely out of his control and that eventually even leads to Eddie quitting and the thought process starts there.

So they always involve one of them wanting to have a conversation but the other not being fully ready to be honest about everything so they are talking but they are not on the same wavelength. They also always end with one of them walking out.

I have a really long meta about the framing in a lot of their big conversations (you can read it here if you want all the thoughts), but basically if they are on the same level, as they are both sitting down they are usually talking about Eddie.

Because when they are talking about Buck, Eddie is usually standing up and Buck is looking up at him. (I have a meta on the looking-up thing if you feel like reading more thoughts on that)

And if they are discussing their relationship, they are face to face.

Random add on, if they are talking about Chris, they are usually sitting side by side on the same surface in a sense, yes I'm counting the counter as one surface lol

So signs point to the new stills being Buck forcing Eddie to talk about something he's not ready to talk about. But when you add the green while Eddie is not wearing blue, so the green is not about the blue and green thing, (I have a meta on the blue and green thing in general and it applied to buddie too that one is truly unhinged tho), and the way talks at the station mean holding on to something they shouldn't and the still of Eddie talking to Bobby, this conversation can very easily be a moment of tension.

AND, I know I'm not the only one who saw those stills and immediately thought about the panic attacks conversation, BUT, stay with me because now I'm reaching, the graveyard conversation tries to call back to the dumb luck conversation (I also have a meta on the graveyard that touches on that if you want thoughts)

But basically, similar outfits and angles, locations we never saw before and probably will never see again. But, while the equine therapy talk works to give Eddie hope and bring them closer together, the cemetery has the exact opposite effect. It creates space between them.

If we consider this and the way it seems to be calling back to a conversation that led Eddie to do the right thing about Ana, they could very much be calling back to that just to do the opposite and having Eddie refuse to listen to Buck for whatever reason.

Because one thing about the dumb luck conversation is also the movement, they are walking, the camera is moving, the conversation is moving and they are making progress, something we don't feel in the cemetery because they are in the same place, the conversation is not leading them anywhere besides away from each other.

And the conversation about the panic attacks that happen while Buck corners Eddie while Eddie is trying to sleep, so Eddie will be in a more relaxed state than when Buck is walking in wearing civilian clothes and Eddie is so deep in his workout he's glistening with sweat, so Buck is walking in on Eddie with a completely different energy. And assuming conflict to the point Buck feels the need to corner him in the gym? That means fight.

This is a very long way to say divorced era 2.0 is upon us lol basically they are arguing and it's about Eddie refusing to listen to Buck about something. Maybe even love related.

If you reached this I love you 🫶

If you liked my brand of crazy, you can find all my metas here.

[inkinmyheartandonthepage]

Honey Dripped Walls

Flufftober prompt 13 is Attic, Cellar, Hidden Room. I hope you all enjoy and you can read it here on Ao3.

“That’s – that’s honey,” Eddie said, staring at rich, thick honey-gold substance that was dripping down his Abuela’s wall.

“I told you this,” Abuela said, giving Eddie an unimpressed look.

She had, but Eddie hadn’t fully believed it. But staring at the honey dripped wall, Eddie could no longer doubt what his Abuela was saying. “Where is it coming from.”

“The attic.” Both Abuela and Eddie turned their gazes upwards. “I’ve worked out that much, but I haven’t been up there.”

“Good call,” Eddie said. “Okay, I can check it out.”

Before Eddie could take a step, Abuela was placing a hand on Eddie’s arm, stilling him. He turned to look at her, arching a brow.

“Or you could call that handsome novio of yours and get him to look at it,” Abuela smirked.

Eddie felt his cheeks flush hot. Abuela had been the first person in his family that he had told that he was in a relationship with Buck. He had been so nervous telling her. His palms had been sweating and he had been on the verge of throwing up. When he had finally managed to say that he was dating a man, Buck, who was also a single father with a wonderful daughter named Paige, Abuela had taken his hand and given him the softest and most loving smile.

“I can’t wait to meet them,” Abuela had said softly. “And I am so proud of you. Thank you, for telling me.”

Eddie had squeezed his hand back tightly. “They’re amazing, Abuela. Buck, Evan, he’s the best man I’ve ever met, and his daughter is just pure sunshine.”

“I know,” Abuela had said. At Eddie’s confused look, Abuela had just smiled. “You seem lighter. Happier than I ever seen you before. They are good for you and Christopher.”

A weight had lifted off his shoulder after that. Though he hadn’t introduced Buck to his Abuela, he had planned on doing it soon. It looked like he had a perfect excuse now.

Swallowing around the nerves that fluttered inside him, Eddie pulled out his phone. “I’ll give him a call.”

Abuela patted his arm, giving him a warm smile. “I’ll be in the kitchen. Tell him to bring his appetite.” She walked away, leaving Eddie alone with the dripping wall.

Pulling out his phone, Eddie cleared his throat and pulled up Buck’s contact. He hit dial and brought the phone to his ear, listening to it ring. There was only two before Buck’s voice was filling his ear.

“Hey babe! What’s up?”

Eddie suppressed a shiver at the nickname, a smile blooming across his face. “Hey. I’m good. At my Abuela’s.”

“How’s it going?” Buck asked.

“Good, except, you know, for the honey dripping from the attic,” Eddie said, trying to sound nonchalant.

Buck paused on the other end of the phone. “I’m sorry, did you say there was honey dripping from the attic?”

“I’m looking it run down the wall as we speak,” Eddie said.

“Okay. Paige and I will be right over,” Buck said. “Give me half an hour. Text me the address.”

“Buck, are you sure? I can –“ Eddie started to say but Buck cut him off.

“We’ll be there,” Buck said. He paused again, his voice sounding a little hesitant. “Unless you want to call someone else? We don’t have to meet your Abuela if its –“

“No!” Eddie cut him off with a panicked shout. He swallowed thickly and his voice lowered. “No, of course I want it to be you, Buck. And I want you to meet. I have for a while now.”

“If you’re sure,” Buck said hesitantly.

“I am,” Eddie said firmly. A sudden idea popped into his head. “I was going to pick up Chris form school but why don’t you and Paige get him and then bring him here. I’m sure Abuela is already cooking up a storm.”

“I – are you sure?” Buck asked.

“I am,” Eddie said firmly. “I’ve already added you to the pick-up list. You’ll just need to show your ID at the reception.”

Buck made an odd chocking noise on the other end of the phone.

“Great,” Eddie said with a grin, all his nerves falling away. “Then I’ll see my beehive soon.”

Buck chuckled at the familiar name that Eddie had started to call their little family. “We’ll see you soon. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Eddie responded, the words coming out a little more breathless than he intended. He hung up the phone, grinning at the honey dripping down the wall. Allowing himself a moment to enjoy the giddiness inside him, Eddie then turned to join his Abuela in the kitchen.

“Come here,” Abuela demanded, dragging Eddie over to the stove. “Watch. Takes notes so you can make this for you novio and his little princesa.”

Eddie opened his mouth to protest that he wasn’t that bad but a sharp glare from Abuela had him closing it. He focused on the cooking, trying not to count down the minuets until his family arrived. The food was ready, and they left it on the now off stove before making their way to the front porch.

They didn’t have to wait long before Buck’s familiar jeep was pulling up and parking. Buck got out of the car, shooting Eddie and Abuela a large grin and giving them a wave before opening the back door.

He got Chris out first, making sure he was steady on his feet before then getting Paige out. When they were both safely on the grass, he closed the door and locked up the jeep, herding the kids towards the house.

“Dad! Abuela!” Chris cried out joyfully, picking up speed as he hurried towards them.

“Mr. Eddie! Abuela!” Paige called out, skipping beside Chris at the same pace. It was something she had always done, never outrunning him. She was in awe of Christopher, looking up to him like he was her older brother.

“Christopher! Paige! Welcome,” Abuela greeted them happily. She hurried down the porch, meeting them and pulling them both into a big hug. “How was your day at school?”

Eddie smiled fondly as Chris and Paige eagerly told Abuela about their day, talking over one another but not letting that stop either of them. Abuela took it stride, guiding them into the house and out of sight.

“Hey.”

Eddie turned, his smile spreading across his lips. “Hey.” He reached out when Buck was close enough, tugging him in and pressing a kiss to his lips. He sighed against Buck’s lips, falling into the kiss. When they pulled away, Eddie let out a hum. “I could get used to this sight.”

Buck laughed, palming Eddie’s hip. “Yeah. Me picking up the kids doing it for you?”

“Everything you do does it for me,” Eddie admitted freely. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Buck beamed. “Now, are you going to stand there and stare at me or are you going to introduce me to Abuela?”

“Come on,” Eddie said, taking Buck’s hand and tugged him into the house.

They found the kids already seated at the table, happily munching on the food that Abuela had made them.

“Buck,” Abuela said, coming over to them. Eddie dropped Buck’s hand so that Abuela could pull him into a hug. “So good to finally meet you and your little pincesa.”

“Good to meet you too,” Buck beamed.

“Welcome to our family,” Abuela said.

Eddie cheeks flushed hot but couldn’t deny how it made his stomach swoop at the thought of he and Buck getting married and joining their families in a legal way. He had to remind himself that it had only been a few months since they had started dating and that it was too soon to be thinking about marriage. Right? Right?

“Thank you,” Buck said, sounding a little choked. “You have a beautiful family. Paige and I are the lucky ones.”

Abuela patted Buck’s cheek and stepped back before shooing him to the table. “Come. We eat first.”

“Oh, but the honey –“ Buck said.

“Can wait,” Abuela insisted. “Sit! Sit!”

“Better do as she says,” Eddie said, winking at Buck. “She knows how to flick a tea towel, so it hurts.” He let out a yelp as a tea towel snapped against his arm. “Abuela!”

Paige and Chris fell into helpless giggles and even Buck joined in.

Eddie pretended to pout as he took his seat but couldn’t keep it up for long, laughing a long with the rest of them. Any doubts or nerves that Eddie had were long gone and he felt relaxed in a way he hadn’t in a long time.

Abuela took to Paige and Buck like they were own, treating them like they had been a part of the family for years. When they had finished eating, Eddie started cleaning up while Buck went to grab his tools of the trade. Chris took Paige out to the backyard to play leaving Eddie and Abuela alone in the kitchen.

“They are both beautiful,” Abuela said. “You need to marry him.”

Eddie choked. “Abuela!”

“What,” she huffed. “You love him. He loves you. You are already a family.”

“It’s – it’s too soon,” Eddie spluttered.

“For some, maybe,” Abuela shrugged. “But maybe not for you. You belong together. All four of you.”

Eddie tried to ignore the warm feeling in his stomach, but it was hard not to. He had never felt this way about Shannon when they had been together. It had never been this easy either. Everything with Buck was better and Eddie had never felt so free to be himself than when he was with Buck.

“They’re mine,” Eddie said softly. “And I – I want to marry him. One day.”

“Don’t wait too long,” Abuela said. “You follow your heart this time. You do what makes you happy. I will deal with anyone who says otherwise. Don’t let them slip away.”

“I won’t,” Eddie promised.

The door opened again, Buck returning, and Eddie cleared his throat.

“Go and help him,” Abuela said, gently nudging Eddie away. “I’ll finish up here.”

Eddie pressed a kiss to Abuela’s cheek. “Thank you.”

Abuela cupped his cheek, giving him a soft smile. “I love you. Now go, go help your man.”

Eddie grinned and with his Abuela’s love and support, he went to go help his Buck.

[runninglikeabuckley]

my batshit season 7/8 theory is that eddie is going to end season 7 (and/or begin season 8) with amnesia. like full blown, ZERO memories of anyone, including the 118, chris and shannon, buck, his family, literally anyone. walk with me here.

i’m basically going off vibes here but in several interviews recently, ryan has referred to eddie ‘literally hitting the reset button’, exploring new territory, being isolated etc by the end of the season/start of season 8 and because this show is insane, i’m getting to the point where i’m wondering does he actually mean a literal reseat button. because eddie’s storylines this season have largely revolved around the past and his unresolved feelings about (and repression of) it. we have the christopher storyline in ep 1, the catholic guilt storyline, the kim/shannon stuff going on now. they’re making a point of bringing eddie’s past up because he hasn’t dealt with it. this man is the KING of repression.

so what if, either because of an injury on the job or sickness/stress etc, he completely loses his memory. AFTER the kim affair is revealed. so there’s this weird tension and then when amnesia!eddie is told he’s like ‘wtf is wrong with me??’ and it becomes a genuine exploration of what is wrong with him, coming from a place of curiosity because he does not understand the man whose body he is currently occupying.

i feel like you have to take eddie out of eddie for a little bit for him to fully understand himself. and if i was writing it (which i am bc i made this up) i would have him choose to go to texas. spend some time with his family, in his childhood home and genuinely figure himself out. and (bc i have to make everything a little bit about buddie) chris stays with buck. no matter what tension is there between buck and eddie after kim, chris and buck are together through this. and of course there’s a conversation about the will (bc we still have those bts pics of the diaz parents!!) and buck takes christopher, because if anything happens to eddie, that’s what is supposed to happen. and maybe that’s when the diaz parents/the 118 find out about it and they’re confused but eddie - somehow - isn’t. because he knows. and that’s why he wants/needs to go back to texas. because he knows that there are things he hasn’t let himself realise about himself, and he knows in his gut it’s not just his army PTSD or grief about shannon, that his trauma and issues go way deeper than he has let himself consider consciously. so he decides to do it for him/not-him. partly because he thinks the eddie that everyone is missing deserves to know himself and partly because he’s afraid if he gets his memories back he’ll never be brave enough to look at those parts of himself

and we get ‘eddie starts over’

because god knows he needs to

[writingamarie]

🐝🐝🐝🌩️🌩️🌩️

listen the pull of us is fighting me. this story doesn't want to stay on the nice neat path i made for it. and echoes of the storm i changed the age range of the games to hurt me more... but it has been a bit of a guilty pleasure story.

🐝 the pull of us (post lawsuit, buck backstory divergence, buddie, tarlos, buck/tk)

Buck stood up and hoped that Owen would take it as an end to the conversation. He would put up with whatever hazing he needed to in order to have his family back. Owen copied his movement but he didn’t walk away. Instead, he placed a hand on Buck’s shoulder and some part of Buck’s mind felt comforted by the familiar gesture. “Son, there’s a difference between giving up and knowing when it’s time to walk away. But if it’s not time for you to leave this place then I can’t make you. I can give you a week to think it over before I need to move on to others. But I’ve got to head back to Austin, just let TK know if you change your mind.” Buck led Owen back down the stairs. He hadn’t even let the man get comfortable before he was practically shoving him out the door. But there was no real point to the discussion. Buck would love to see Tyler more frequently but he couldn’t give up on the family he had built for himself. His sister needed him, Christopher needed him, and Buck knew he needed all of them as well. Owen had offered him a future –career advancement that Buck wasn’t sure if he would have staying with the 118 but he was happy as a firefighter. He just needed to get back on calls. “It’s a good offer, Captain Strand, but it’s not one I can take.” “Still, take the week to think about it..."

🌩️ echoes of the storm (buddie hunger games au)

“You okay?” Buck asked when it seemed like Chris was fully involved in his own meal. “No, but none of us are. One more day and then I just spend the next sixteen years worried for him. There’s no end to this, Buck. Nothing is okay.” Buck nodded slowly, “I know we’ll worry about him but I’ll be glad next year that you can’t get called up. It’ll make next year a little more bearable.” “You should worry about yourself.” “Nah, that kid… Eddie, that kid is everything to me. I’ll worry more about him than myself.” Eddie’s breath hitched. He didn’t want to think about what would happen when he was no longer eligible but Chris was. The only other people in his family that were still eligible were his sisters. His father had made it clear to all of them that they would never go into the arena. If their names were called any eligible member of the family was meant to volunteer –because it was their job to protect the women of the family. Which meant Eddie knew his father would never allow the girls to volunteer –even for Chris.

link to og post

[hoziersong]

for mel @emeraldcas' 30 for 30! happy birthday dear, i hope you had a wonderful day <3

911 - buddie - 2.6k

prompts: muppets/romance/gifts/secrets

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christopher loves Kermit the frog.

"I'm starting to think he loves him more than me", Eddie says one morning, sitting dejectedly on the loft's couch with an adorable little pout.

Buck laughs to himself and keeps browsing the internet for Kermit-themed stuff, hoping to find the perfect gift for Chris' birthday next week. "You know that's not true, Eddie."

"You don't know that", he says, pressing his finger to Buck's chest, and he attempts not to freak out about it. Ever since he accepted that he's been head-over-heels in love with Eddie for ages, every little touch makes him scream mentally.

Buck sits up a little straighter, gently pushes Eddie's hand off. He's so close he can see the freckle under his eye, perfectly placed like a little star where the universe made it to be.

"Eds. You're his dad. Nothing will ever win over that."

He just grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Okay", Buck says, turning to face him fully. "What's really going on?"

Eddie's incredibly brown eyes meet his. He sighs, admitting defeat. "I just... miss him, you know? I guess it's stupid. I mean, I see him every day. But it feels like­—"

"You're not hanging out much?"

"Yeah. Is it my fault? Am I at work too much? Am I too tired to spend time with my son?"

Well, Buck is having none of this. It's completely unacceptable. So, butterflies be damned, he places his hand on Eddie's left shoulder, letting his thumb slide slightly above the collar of his dark blue t-shirt, just sitting there against his skin. He knows Eddie doesn't ask for comfort nearly enough, despite the fact that he deserves it more than anyone. If Buck has to be the one to give it to him, he'll be more than happy to do so for the rest of his life.

"Listen to me. You're doing nothing wrong, okay? Trust me. Chris is just— growing. The love is still there, he just wants to discover some stuff by himself. He needs to do his own thing, hang out with his friends. But he'll never love anyone or anything more than you. I promise."

Eddie deflates under Buck's touch. "Okay. Okay, you're right. It's gonna be fine. I knew this would happen eventually, it just... it's a bit sad, is all."

Buck frowns sympathetically. "I know, man. But hey, if you ever want some company when Chris isn't around, you know you have your own friends too, right? We can get a couple beers, some pizza, watch a shitty horror movie that makes us laugh..."

The last of Eddie’s worry is replaced by one of those blinding smiles that Buck can never help but mirror. "That actually sounds fun. I'll take you up on that offer later", he says cheerily, before they're interrupted by the first bell of the morning.

Eddie's smile stays plastered on Buck's mind for the rest of their shift.

It’s not until Wednesday, two days later, that Eddie reminds Buck of their conversation. They’re working out before the start of their afternoon shift, and Buck is trying with every bit of his might not to stare at Eddie’s arms while he does push-ups. He’s really, really trying.

They finish their sets and grab their stuff, walking towards the locker room, when Buck remembers something. “Hey, I haven’t told you! I found the perfect gift to give Chris on Monday”.

Buck watches Eddie muster his best bitchface in real time, trying not to giggle like an idiot, because how can anyone be that cute?

“Let me guess. It’s something to do with Kermit?”

Buck adds a bounce to his step and grins. “Yup. But I’m not telling you what. You’ll have to see it when Chris opens it.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I’m so excited.”

Buck can’t hold it anymore. He laughs until his belly hurts a little, smacking Eddie’s back. “Oh, cheer up, Eds. I promise Kermit isn’t out to replace you.”

“Well, Kermit might not be, but Chris’ friends sure are. He’s sleeping over at Tommy’s on Friday.” He stops walking to stare at Buck and breathes, building up courage. Buck has seen him do that a lot recently, and is more overwhelmed with pride than he probably should be, because Eddie’s finally relying on the people who love him instead of trying to do everything on his own.

“I was wondering if I could cash in for that offer you made on Monday. Shitty horror movie and pizza?”

Buck’s grin widens. “Of course! Your place or mine?”

Oh no. Did that sound too much like a date? No… He’s just hanging with his best friend so he doesn’t feel too lonely while Chris isn’t around. That’s it. Just a movie and some drinks. No biggie.

He’s halfway through his thought spiral when Eddie answers. “Is it okay if you come by? Tommy’s mom is picking Chris up, so I might take too long driving to yours after.”

Buck nods, shaking off his paranoid overthinking. “Yeah, yeah. That’s great.”

It shouldn’t feel this weird, right? They’ve been doing this for ages anyway. Sit together, laugh at corny lines and bad special effects all night, eat pizza until their stomachs beg them to stop. Buck can’t count how many times he’s passed out on Eddie’s couch after a movie night, tired from his shift or having drunk too many beers. Eddie’s also stayed over at his before.

So why does Buck feel jittery and anxious for the rest of the day and all the way through his Thursday shift?

By Friday afternoon he’s managed to make himself act normal. After all, they’re Eddie and Buck. They’ve got each other’s backs, whether it’s to pull each other out of burning buildings or to keep each other company on a Friday night.

Still, seeing Eddie all messy-haired in a green henley and sweatpants when he answers his door really does not help at all. He stares at the dark strands of hair falling every direction from Eddie’s head, curling against his forehead, and all he can think is pretty, pretty, pretty.

He stares a bit too long, because Eddie notices and runs his hand through his hair, trying to flatten it. “Sorry, I fell asleep a little. Turns out Tommy’s mom picked Chris’ stuff up earlier and just went to get him directly from the school. He was so happy when we talked on the phone. Said he finally got to ride in Tommy’s ‘cool car’.”

Buck chuckles. “Oh, yeah. He told me about that. It’s a red truck with a huge sunroof, apparently. And get this, it has Kermit the frog and Gonzo bumper stickers.”

Eddie’s bewildered expression combined with his hair, which he’s messed up even further, make Buck double in laughter, holding onto the doorframe to avoid simply falling face-first onto his chest.

“How do you find out this stuff? I’m starting to think you know more about my son than I do”, he complains, but the slight crinkle around his eyes tells Buck he’s amused.

“Well, since you refuse to indulge him on his love for Kermit, he decided to start telling me about it.”

Eddie shrugs. “Fine by me. You can handle that, I’ll handle the math homework.”

Buck nearly misses Eddie waving him inside, too busy trying to pull himself out of the delusional, sickeningly domestic fantasies in his head where he gets to be a part of the little Diaz family, and they have the same kind of conversations they just had on the doorway, splitting Chris-related tasks and laughing about his adorable adventures.

When he walks into the living room, he feels like his heart is being ripped apart and sewn back together at an alarmingly fast rate. He’s in love with his best friend and he is so gonna ruin everything they’ve built for years.

He sees himself everywhere. There’s a navy-blue hoodie he left last week, still draped over the back of the couch, and a pair of slippers right next to Eddie’s and Chris’ against the corner closest to the hall. The duck-shaped mug he bought for himself to use in the Diaz household is on the coffee table, sitting on top of a wonky coaster he tried to crochet when he was healing from his broken leg and which Chris insisted to take home.

He’s been haunting Eddie and Christopher like a clingy ghost, and he still wants more. He can’t ask that from either of them.

He thought he could do this. He thought he could live with the fact that he’s in love with Eddie without ever doing anything about it. He thought he could keep offering to pick Chris up from school every once in a while, occasionally sneak into the Diaz zoo trip to make Eddie and Chris laugh with his ridiculous fun facts. He thought he could keep making coffee for Eddie at the 118’s kitchen, with one and a half teaspoons of sugar just like he loves it. He thought he could do all of it without changing everything, without having to fight the urge to hold Eddie’s hand every time they’re at the supermarket, without having to ignore the wish to kiss Chris on the forehead when he scrapes his knees.

Maybe he’s weaker than he assumed.

“Buck. Are you okay?” Eddie’s hand on the crook of his elbow coaxes him towards the sofa. “Hey. It’s okay. Sit down for me, yeah? Just breathe, Buck. I’m here.”

Buck unsticks his eyes from the duck mug, lifts his head up and stares. Eddie’s eyes are so brown and shiny. They’re soft and framed by long lashes, and they’re warm and pretty, and they’re worried, and… no, they’re supposed to be all crinkly and happy, and Buck is ruining everything.

“I’m supposed to be here to cheer you up and now you’re all worried”, he croaks, and Eddie’s frown just deepens.

“No. What? No— Buck, you’re here because I want you to be. Because you’re my best friend and I’m happy to spend time with you any day. I’m not— I’m not using you to make myself happy, I would never do that. Buck, I could never be happy when you look this scared. Of course I’m worried. But it’s not you fault. I just—I want you to talk to me, please. What’s wrong?”

Buck’s trembling breaths feel like lead running through his airway. “Eddie. I’m sorry, okay? I am so, so sorry.”

Eddie slowly wraps one of Buck’s hands between his own. “What are you sorry for?”

“I—” Buck swallows. “I’m everywhere, Eds. And I— I know you just said you want me to be here, but if… but if you knew what I wanted, I don’t know if you’d say the same. I just don’t— I’m gonna ruin everything, Eddie. I don’t wanna ruin everything. I can’t.”

Eddie’s grip on his hand tightens just slightly, and Buck lets himself feel it, every inch of it, just in case he never gets to again.

“Buck. What are you talking about?”

“Eddie… I love you. Just— I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense yet.” Buck pauses. Closes his eyes. Eddie’s soft eyes and the warmth of his hands envelope his heart. “You’re my family, Eds. You and Chris. And I don’t just mean you’re my best friend. I think… I think a while ago you started being much more than that. And I was too much of an idiot to even notice, for so long… I’m in love with you, Eddie.

"And I am terrified of every word that’s coming out of my mouth right now. Just a couple days ago I thought I could just learn to live with it, but then I saw you today and you told me I could handle Chris’ love for that silly little frog and you would handle the math homework and I knew that I really, truly wanted to have that for the rest of my life. And then I came in here and I saw all my stuff strewn around as if I lived here, and I realized that I can’t lie to you about this, Eddie, I can’t. Because I’m taking stuff that isn’t mine to have, and using space that isn’t mine to live in. And I don’t want to lose you, but I also don’t want you to keep having me in your life with only half-truths. I owe you much more than that.”

That’s about as much courage as Buck had in him. He stares down at Eddie’s hands, still wrapped around him, unmoving, and tries not to get up and run out of the room until Eddie’s said something. He waits, watching Eddie’s eyes trace the room the same way he did just a few minutes ago, until they land back on Buck’s.

“Evan, this house has been yours for years. You said it yourself, you are everywhere. And I—” he looks up at the ceiling and grins, and oh. There are those little crinkles. “I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t.

I haven’t moved your hoodie from the couch because I love seeing it there every day when I come back from shift. I drink tea on that dumb duck mug because it’s the one I keep at the front of the cabinet. Your Top Ten Worst Natural Disasters book is still on my nightstand since the weekend you stayed with Chris while I went to Texas. I honestly wouldn’t really mind it that much if Chris rambled about Kermit the frog to me, but I love that he goes to you instead, and that you spent like four days googling Kermit stuff just to buy him a birthday present that he’ll love.”

Buck’s heart is about to take off running and never return. He turns his palm up, and Eddie’s fingers intertwine with his, and his smile is blinding, and Buck doesn’t need any other sight.

“Buck, this stuff is yours to have. All of it. And… and more, if you’ll have it. The early school mornings and the road trips and the movie nights, and the fights with ignorant teachers and the leak that we still haven’t fixed in the kitchen. And whatever obsession comes after Kermit, and even the math homework if you feel like it. And I’m sorry that I made you believe that this wasn’t a possibility. I guess I didn’t think it was, either.”

He grabs Buck’s face in his hands and pulls him close, close enough that their foreheads touch and Buck can feel the soft little strands of Eddie’s hair against his skin, can feel him vibrate with laughter, can count every one of his eyelashes, even through the blurriness starting to gather on his eyes.

“We’re ridiculous”, Eddie laughs, and closes the remaining space between them.

It takes Buck a couple of seconds to convince himself that this is real, that his best friend is kissing him in the middle of his living room, surrounded by all their stuff, telling him he can have everything he’s been wanting for so long. And when he does, well. He doesn’t let go for a long while.

They end up watching the Muppet Movie (if you can call making out with a movie in the background “watching”), and Buck doesn’t even have time to laugh at the irony of it all. He has much to thank Kermit for.

He thinks the Kermit-shaped mug Chris unwraps for his birthday on Monday says enough. It quickly owns its place next to the duck, at the front of the kitchen cabinet.

[falcqns]

innocent

pairing: Chris Evans x costar!reader

summary: you're shy and innocent, and Chris loves it.

warnings: fluff, age gap (reader is in her early 20's) SMUT! slight breeding kink, unprotected sex

a/n:

You don't know what you were you were expecting going into this movie, but you definitely didn't expect cuddling Chris Evans to be a part of it.

You were filming the parlour scene of Knives Out, in which you played Ransom's girlfriend Alexia. You were sat with him on a rather comfy couch, your back pressed to his chest, his legs encasing you. One of your legs was bent underneath you, the other straight out from your body on the couch.

The scene was being reset, when Chris placed his hand on your bent leg, close to the inside of it. "Is this okay?" He whispered in your ear, and you nodded as a shiver ran down your spine. Chris seemed to notice this, because he bent down and whispered in your ear again.

"You okay?" He asked, trying to sound innocent, but the dripping lust in his voice, and the boner poking at your lower back gave him away. You felt your body heat up, and you nodded, a shy smile on your face. Chris groaned, and buried his nose in your hair. He let his face slip slightly so his cheek was resting on the top of your head facing out.

You thought that was the end of it, but all of a sudden, you felt two soft and warm lips press themselves to your temple. You smiled, and a moan slipped from your lips as you leaned back into his touch, getting comfy. You felt him chuckle darkly, and lean down to your ear once more.

"Y'like it when I kiss your pretty little head?" He asked huskily, and you managed to nod as you bit back another moan.

"Hmmm, good. Once we're done this scene we'll go back to my trailer and I'll give you all the kisses you want." He said, his lips nipping at your ear. "Wherever you want." He added, squeezing your thigh.

You groaned internally. You were completely surrounded by Chris and his scent, and you had to wait a good hour or two more before you could do anything about the arousal currently pooling in your panties.

You breathed a sigh of relief when the director, Rian, finally called cut and you were released for the day. Chris wasted no time in grabbing your hand, and pulling you off set, and towards the trailers. You heart whistles and catcalls behind you from the cast and crew, but you ignored them.

Chris pulled you inside the trailer, and wrapped his arms around your waist. He smiled, and bent down. He bumped his nose with yours to prompt you to tilt your head back. You complied, and seconds later, his warm lips were on yours.

You sighed into the kiss, and he walked the two of you back towards the couch. Chris sat down, and you were pulled to straddle him. The kiss broke moments later, and his hands gripped your hips.

Chris let his head rest on the back of the couch as he looked up at you. You smiled back at him, and bit your lip, your body heating up again. Chris let out a shaky breath and pulled your lip out from your teeth with his thumb. He rubbed the thumb back and forth on your bottom lip. When he pulled it down slightly, you leaned forward, and took it in your mouth.

You felt as he bucked his hips up at the sight of your lips wrapped around his digit, and you giggled. "So fuckin' innocent." He moaned, and seconds later you were on your feet, your clothes being stripped from your body by his large hands. He worked on your shirt while you pushed your pants and underwear over your hips and down your legs.

Just as Chris was about to pull you back to his lap, you dropped to your knees in front of him. Chris's eyes widened, and swore as he realized what you were doing. He undid his belt and pushed his pants down, bringing his underwear with it, before you could react.

You bit your lip as you stared at him. He was huge. Not that you had a lot to compare it to, you were young and had slept with only a handful of people, but he was by far the biggest. You gulped, and reached out for him.

Chris moaned as your hand wrapped around his rock hard cock. You pumped him a few times, before leaning forward and taking him into your mouth. You swirled your tongue around the head, and kept your eyes on him.

You squeezed your thighs together at the sight of him. His head was thrown back against the couch. His brow was furrowed, and his bottom lip was trapped in between his teeth. His hands were fidgeting, as if he didn't quite know what to do with them, so you decided to help him out.

You removed your hands from his thighs, and guided his hands to your head. He let out a breathy moan as he pushed your hair up and out of your face, created a makeshift pony tail as his fingers intertwined at the back of your head.

You relaxed your throat, and slowly slid down on him, taking as much of him in your mouth as you could. His hips bucked, and you gagged, but that didn't deter either of you. "F-feels so fucking g-good," Chris moaned, and you hummed around his cock, causing him to cry out as the wet heat of your mouth began to move up and down on him.

You wrapped your hand around the part of his cock that your mouth couldn’t reach as your mouth bobbed up and down on him. you pulled off of him slightly and suckled at the tip, looking up at him innocently through your lashes. Chris shouted out a moan, and pulled you off his cock.

you straddled him again, and you both moaned as your naked bodies touched each other for the first time. you watched with a list filled gaze ad Chris gripped his hard cock in his hand and lined it up at your entrance, but not before noticing the look on your face, and he smirked.

“one of these days i’ll let you watch me get myself off,” he said sliding just the tip in. “watch me fall apart to the sight of you fingering that soaking pussy.”

you groaned, and slid down further on him, until he was fully sheathed inside of you. you rested your forehead on his as you adjusted your size, your walls fluttering around him.

you let out a breathy moan as he kissed you, and you started to bounce on him. his hands gripped your hails and his eyes locked on your pussy that was swallowing his cock.

“yeah, take it,” he said. “take my fucking cock like a good girl.”

you arched your back at his pet name, and moved harder on top of him. you leant back the tiniest hit and felt him rubbing right against your g spot, you orgasm quick approaching.

“fuck! g-gonna cum!” you shouted and Chris moved his thumb to your circle at your clit as you cried out.

“such a good fucking girl,” Chris rasped. “made to fuck me baby. gonna fill you up so your full that your fucking dripping.” he moaned, and you were teetering on the edge.

Chris spread his legs slightly and allowed you to fall slightly in between his legs. Chris smirked and thrust his hips up as he spoke. “gonna make a mess baby? show me how beautiful you are when you come? come on baby, give it to me. i wanna see you make a mess on my cock.” he groaned, and you fell over the edge into total euphoria, Chris following with a shout seconds later.

you settled on his chest and looked up at him. “not so innocent, huh?”

[tripleaxeldiaz]

never fallen from quite this high

read on ao3

There’s a knock at the door, but Eddie doesn’t hear it, focused instead on the pinks and oranges of the sunset coming through the window and trying to stop his mind from reeling like it’s been for the past week.

Because a week ago, when he broke up with Ana, she looked him in the eye and said, “I hope he makes you happy,” and he didn’t have to ask who she was talking about.

He knew. And that scared him more than any war zone or tsunami or lungful of mud ever could.

Another knock, one Eddie registers, but he still doesn’t move. Now he’s replaying the last conversation he had with the person on the other side of the door — when Buck had innocently, nonchalantly asked why he had broken up with “his perfect teacher” and his response, without a minute to let himself think, was “because of you”. The room became a vacuum, completely airless as they stared at each other, Buck slack-jawed and Eddie wide-eyed. He could have done a thousand things — explained himself, laughed it off, denied denied denied, anything.

Instead, he ran away, peeling out of the parking lot to put as much distance between Buck and his dumb ass as possible, drowning in the shame he brought on himself.

He should’ve known Buck would follow him anyway.

A third knock, a little louder and more deliberate, and Eddie’s fingers twitch, itching to let Buck in like his heart has been begging for for days — probably years, actually — only to be beaten into submission by his thoughts and reminders that Buck is good and he is not. That no matter how deep his feelings for Buck may be (which, as it turns out, are deep enough to brand themselves on bone), he refuses to taint him, will not spread whatever bad energy even his parents can see, not after watching Buck rebuild himself brick by beautiful brick until he loved himself half as much as Eddie does.

There’s scraping and jingling as the door is unlocked, and Eddie braces himself for whatever conversation is about to unfold. Buck walks into the room, curls loose from his post-shift shower, expression unreadable in a way that Eddie hasn’t seen in a while, not since he’d memorized every tick and twitch Buck makes. The last remaining rays of sunshine light him up as he comes to a stop in front of Eddie, wrapping him in an ethereal glow, soft and almost angelic, even with his arms crossed and his walls clearly up.

It’s a little unfair, Eddie thinks, that Buck looks this gorgeous, this inviting, when he can’t even appreciate it fully.

They stare at each other, a silent game of chicken while they each wait for the other to crack. Eddie won’t break, he can’t, because if Buck walks out of his life right now because he couldn’t keep his feelings in check, he knows there’s no way he’ll be able to put himself back together. Luckily, Buck moves first, sighing through his nose and sitting down on the coffee table across from Eddie.

“So,” he starts, “because of me, huh?”

The bluntness is enough to kickstart Eddie’s self-preservation instincts. “Let’s just forget it, Buck.”

“No, no way.” Buck scoots forward, pressing his knees to Eddie’s, preventing any kind of escape. “I don’t want to forget it or ignore it or pretend it never happened. But I would like an explanation.” 

The words get stuck in Eddie’s throat, undecided on whether they’re going to come out or retreat back in and hide themselves away again. He looks away and Buck follows, staying in his line of vision, looking smaller and sadder as the silence drags out.

He breaks it, finally, along with Eddie’s heart. “Was it something I did?”

Eddie sighs. “No, it’s not—”

“Because I did like her. She made you happy, so of course I liked her—”

“Buck—”

“And I didn’t mean to keep blowing off hanging out with you guys, it’s just— you and me and her— I was worried about it being weird and I know I shouldn’t have been but—”                                               

“Buck.” Eddie grabs his hands where they’re hanging between his legs, tries not to think about how Buck squeezes back even tighter instead of pulling away. “You didn’t do anything.”

“But you said—”

“I know.” He hadn’t even noticed threading their fingers together, but they’re here now and neither of them are moving, so he just squeezes again and takes a deep breath. “Ana was great, and I liked her a lot, but she didn’t...fit.” Because the hole Eddie thought he needed her to fill was already taken up, he just hadn’t let himself realize it. And he liked Ana — she was nice, pretty, safe, the epitome of the girl he should want, but she didn’t set his skin on fire with a brush of her fingers, didn’t flip his heart with an easy smile, didn’t make him ache for her.

She was perfect, but she wasn’t Buck.

“She didn’t fit, but someone else does?” Buck asks, like he hasn’t figured it out already, like Eddie hadn’t made it so blatantly obvious you could see it from space.

He nods anyway, confirming it. For Buck and for himself. “Yeah. You do. You fit.”

Buck’s eyes widen just a little, his face still unreadable but edging towards something like joy, only to crumble again as he searches Eddie’s face. “But that’s...bad? You don’t want me to fit.”

“No, Buck, I—” I need you to fit so bad I can’t breathe. “I want you to be happy.” More than I want myself to be happy. “I just don’t know if I can make you as happy as you deserve to be.”

Buck’s reaction is instant, without hesitation, like he knew what Eddie was going to say and already had an answer. He disentangles their hands and instead of leaving, like Eddie feared, he brings them up to either side of Eddie’s neck, thumbs resting on his jaw and holds him still so he can’t look anywhere but at Buck. 

He doesn’t want to look anywhere else. It should be scary, but it’s not. It’s liberating.

“I don’t know if you know this,” Buck starts, voice low and just for Eddie, keeping secrets from the shadows that have crept into the room, “but I’m an expert at leaving when the going gets tough. Every relationship I’ve ever been in — even Abby — had me fighting some part of myself that wanted to run away as soon as things got a little hard.” He takes a breath and his eyes blaze brighter, full of conviction and absolutely mesmerizing. “I never had to fight myself for you. You and Chris fit for me too, and I am happy, happier than I ever thought I would be, because of you.” 

Eddie swallows, lost in the determined, deep blue that is so uniquely Buck, and feels his walls start to fall apart.

“I’m not gonna be good at this,” he whispers — confesses — in the stillness of dusk.

“Neither will I. We’ll learn together.”

“What if I stop making you happy?”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do.”

Eddie opens his mouth to argue again, to keep up the facade of the fortress he built around himself that he knows Buck has broken through, but something stops him. Some part of him that’s long been buried, something he thought he lost in the sands of Afghanistan, emerges from its hiding place and whispers Take it. Take him. He loves you. Let yourself be loved.

And it’s easier, then, to lean in instead of fight against. His hands frame Buck’s face, mirroring each other, and he hardly has to pull before they’re meeting in the middle. Buck’s lips are perfect, softer than he imagined but still firm and getting everything he wants, and he tastes like mint and sunshine and home. Eddie’s already trying to figure out how he can make sure he kisses Buck like this every day for the rest of his life.

Judging by the enthusiastic reciprocation and small, happy sounds he keeps drinking up, Buck’s on the same page.

They only break apart because they have to breathe, but they don’t go far, foreheads resting together, noses brushing. And as happy as he is, Eddie’s still a little scared — scared that this is all temporary, that it won’t work out, that he’ll lose one of the most important people in his life when he inevitably makes the wrong decision or does the wrong thing.

But then he hears it again, the long forgotten voice, saying He loves you. He won’t let you go and he won’t let you forget. 

The last reservations Eddie has break away, and they fall back in, slotting together like puzzle pieces, drenched in moonlight and peace and hope.

[extasiswings]

Get in, clowns.  We’re going to the circus.  On ao3.

Eddie’s palms are sweaty.

It’s warm outside, the sun beating down on the park bench where he’s sitting, but it’s the nerves that have his hands clammy as he turns his water bottle over between them.  

When Buck had walked in the house earlier, he’d taken one look at Eddie and rolled his eyes before shoving him back into his bedroom.

“You can’t wear that,” Buck said, rifling through Eddie’s dresser.  He emerged with Eddie’s tightest pair of jeans and shoved them at his chest before turning to the drawers with shirts.

“What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” Eddie asked, baffled as he looked down at himself and then, skeptically, at the jeans.

“You look like a dad.”  Buck’s voice went muffled for a moment before he made a noise of victory and pulled out a deep red, long-sleeved shirt that Eddie’s pretty sure is at least a size too small. 

“Kind of hard not to.  Since I am one and all.  That’s not exactly a secret.”

“Yeah, but you can look like a hot dad who is making an effort instead of a regular dad going to the grocery store or something.  You’ll thank me later.”  

After Eddie had changed and walked out of the bathroom, Buck’s face shifted—Eddie could have sworn his eyes darkened, that his voice was rougher as he pronounced Eddie much better.

So Eddie knows he looks good.

But his palms are still sweaty.  He uncaps the water bottle and takes a sip more to have something to do than because he needs it.  And then he starts drumming his fingers against his thigh, needing something to occupy them, some way to move.  

He’s tempted to pull out his phone, to reread the latest texts from Bobby or even the shameless teasing in the group text that Buck started with his sisters—and boy, was that a mistake, putting the three of them in touch, because Eddie never in a million years would have told them he was going on a date if he hadn’t done it by accident because Buck’s direct messages happened to be right below the group—

He’s still not sure he should be, is the thing.  Dating.  He still feels like he can’t quite breathe right when he thinks too hard about it.  Can still play that last dinner with Shannon over on loop, from her asking for a divorce to the implication that really being with him again would be so terrible she would have to run for the hills and leave their child behind.

He didn’t exactly have great self-esteem to begin with.

Eddie wipes his palms on his jeans—he’s in the middle of debating whether it’s bad parenting to make up an emergency involving your kid to get out of a date, when—

“Eddie!  Hi,” Ana greets, walking up the path.  

The anxiety in his chest twists tighter as he gets up from the bench and waves.

“Hey.  You, uh—you look really nice,” he says, because it’s true and also the easiest thing he can remember from the last time he did this.  

Ana smiles.  “So do you.”

There’s a pause that lingers a little too long and then they both start trying to speak at once, cutting off abruptly when they realize.  Eddie rubs self-consciously at the back of his neck.

“Should we walk?” Ana offers, nodding down the path where it leads into the trees.

“Sure, yeah,” Eddie agrees.  

It’s actually not...bad.  She asks him about work and that’s a safe enough topic that he’s comfortable spending a few minutes telling her stories from the station.  She shares a little about the challenges of virtual teaching.  And then she asks about Chris, and, well, that’s an easy subject—Eddie could talk about Chris all day.  

He just finishes the story about the actual building of Christopher’s skateboard—which involved no small amount of comical trial and error on the part of two decidedly not Chris-sized grown men—when Ana gets a thoughtful look on her face and glances sideways at him.

“Can I ask you something personal?”  She asks.

Eddie rocks back on his heels and hooks his thumbs in his pockets.  “Sure.”

“How long has it been for you?”

Eddie’s eyebrows shoot up.  “Since...the last time I dated?”

Ana nods.

“Well…” He wets his lips to stall.  “The last person I dated was my wife.  And I’m not sure it was really dating in the same way after we were married so...I guess...eleven years give or take?”

He laughs and he can hear the edge of self-deprecation.  “That obvious I’m out of practice?”

“No,” Ana says.  “No, that wasn’t—it’s really not actually. Although it does explain some things.”

“Things?”

She bites her lip.  “Nothing bad,” she insists.  “Just—”

“Have you ever been on a date where the other person talked about their ex the whole time and it was kind of obvious they still had feelings for them and you couldn’t help wondering why they weren’t with the ex when they clearly wanted to be?”  She asks.

Eddie blinks, scrolling back through their conversation trying to think—he’s pretty sure he hasn’t mentioned Shannon except for the once.  And he’s not still—

“In high school, maybe?” He answers.  “But I’m not sure—”

“I was trying to figure out if you and Buck ever dated,” she clarifies, and Eddie stops in his tracks, his mind shorting out as he takes that in.

“I—what?”

They’re back at the parking lot anyway, and although they could take another loop around the park, Ana stops by the closest bench and smiles as she leans against it.

“Look, I like you, Eddie,” she says.  “And if I’m totally off base and you want to see me again, I will definitely pick up the phone.  But if I’m not?  I couldn’t not say something.”

“Buck’s my best friend,” Eddie replies.  His head is swimming but it surprisingly doesn’t feel bad.  More like he’s been handed the clue card for a puzzle he was trying to solve and while the pieces haven’t quite come together fully, they’re getting there.

“You talk about him like he’s your partner.  Like the three of you are a family.  And when you talk about him you look like…”  Ana shakes her head and laughs, but it’s not unkind.  Just soft and maybe a little longing.  “I would love for someone to look like that when they’re talking about me.  Thinking about me.  So, I thought you should know.  Just in case you didn’t.”

Another puzzle piece falls into place and Eddie sucks in a breath.

“I do like you,” he says.

“Yeah...but you’re in love with him.  Right?”  Eddie’s quiet and Ana nods.

“I’m gonna go,” she decides.  “This was nice, for the record.  Maybe we can do it again.  As friends next time.”

“Ana—” Eddie calls after her.  When she looks back over her shoulder though, he’s not sure what to say except, “...thank you.”

“Let me know how it works out?” She asks.  “I’m a little invested now.”

Eddie laughs and runs a hand through his hair.  “Yeah...sure.”  

He drives home in a daze, so much of the past two years—maybe even longer—suddenly thrown into new light.  Everything he’s been afraid of, everything that’s been holding him back—all of the baggage and insecurities that Shannon left behind, that have made him feel like he’s not good enough, like he can’t be a partner to anyone—

He never stopped and looked too hard at what he already had.  What he was already doing.

What he has.  What he is doing.   

With Buck.

In the stark glare of hindsight, it’s easy to see—he was still married when they met, was worn down and bruised and not looking for anything.  He needed a friend and Buck slipped in to fill that void and Eddie...put him in a box.  Put them in a box.  Carefully compartmentalizing every aspect of his life because it was easier that way, because it allowed him to sort through the tangled knots of expectation from any number of other sides, any number of other identities—husband, father, son.

There was no baggage attached to friend.  No forgive and forget and take your wife back because kids need their mothers or you’ll drag him down with you or I wasn’t enough.

There was just...Buck.  Present.  Supportive.  Caring about him.  Believing in him.   The real him—masks off, walls down, warts and all.   

The longer Eddie thinks, the clearer things become.  His mind flips through memories like a scrapbook—panic attacks and phone calls at two in the morning, nights on the couch playing video games with Christopher and the slower, lingering moments with just the two of them after they put him to bed, all those months sharing a bed in Buck’s apartment while he despaired over being away from his son and Buck reminded him he was a good dad—

How many of those nights had Eddie wanted to kiss him?  How many times had he felt that buzz under his skin, the whisper of it would be so easy, only to shove it down because it was too dangerous to deal with.  

And when he thinks now about the future, about having someone in his home, in his bed, in his life, when he pictures it, all he can see is Buck.

It feels right.

“I love him,” Eddie says out loud, tasting the words on his tongue, letting them linger.

I love him.

His pulse spikes with his anxiety, but it calms down as he sits with it.  Because he knows Buck’s not going to leave.  He trusts that.  Buck’s seen him at his worst and none of that has ever driven him away.  So maybe…

Eddie’s mind flicks back to earlier in the day, to the dark heat in Buck’s gaze as it dragged over him before he looked away.

...yeah.  They’ll be okay.

He’s home before he even really registers and takes a few slow breaths before he shuts off the truck and gets out.  When he steps through the door, it’s a strange feeling.  The space is familiar but not.  More...settled somehow.  Home.

Home.

Eddie closes the door behind him and follows the sound of running water to the kitchen.  He stops in the doorway, leaning against the frame, and spends a moment just watching Buck scrub potatoes in the sink until the other man glances up and notices him.

“Hey,” Buck greets.  “Chris is reading in his room, I’m just working on dinner.  How was the date?”

God, I love you, Eddie thinks, and nearly has to bite his tongue to keep it to himself.

Yeah.  It’s right.

He shrugs.  “It was fine.  Ana’s nice.”

“When’s the next date then?”  There’s an odd note in Buck’s voice that makes Eddie push off the frame and step closer. 

“There’s not going to be one,” he replies.  “Ana’s nice...but I don’t want to date her.”

Buck stops.  Shuts off the water and turns, leaning back against the sink.

“No?”  Buck’s brow furrows.  “It’s not—do you still feel like you’re not ready?”

“No, it’s not that,” Eddie replies.  “I do think I’m ready.  But with the right person.”

His heart is pounding in his chest, but it’s not fear.  More...anticipation.  

He swallows hard.

“Ana said something that made me realize that...I don’t want to start from scratch with some stranger.”

Eddie takes another step closer and Buck inhales sharply, emotions shifting across his face too quickly for Eddie to name them all.

“Eddie…”  Buck sounds hoarse, a little disbelieving.  He leans forward for a moment before shaking his head, clearing his throat.

“I can’t—I need you to be specific,” he says.  “Because I can’t make assumptions here, I can’t—”

Eddie kisses him.  Steps in far enough that Buck’s body presses flush against his, slides his hand around the back of Buck’s neck, and kisses him.  Buck makes a small noise and grips him right back, his hands curving around Eddie’s hips nearly tight enough to bruise in sharp contrast to the way Eddie’s mouth feathers against his, soft as anything.  

“Specific enough?”  Eddie breathes, staying close enough that their lips brush again.  Buck surges up and uses his grip on Eddie’s hips to turn them, pinning Eddie against the counter as he kisses him again in response.  Once, twice, three times, and Eddie shivers.  

He hasn’t been kissed in so long, hasn’t been touched with intention like this—he’d forgotten what it felt like.  His body floods with heat as Buck’s hands slip under his shirt, spreading wide over his rib cage, and he parts his lips eagerly for Buck’s tongue.

Down the hall, a door closes, and Buck jumps back, Eddie slumping against the counter to keep himself upright.  Buck is flushed and panting and Eddie’s pretty sure he can’t look much better, too warm and electric, wanting, wanting, wanting—

Both of them catch their breath and watch the door, but Christopher doesn’t appear.  After a minute Eddie catches the faint sound of a toilet flushing and he looks back at Buck.  

And he laughs.  It bubbles up from his chest like champagne fizz, bright and warm and right, and apparently it’s contagious because Buck starts up as well, stepping in again and sliding his arms around Eddie’s waist, ducking his head to laugh breathlessly against Eddie’s neck.

When they calm down, Buck stays close, his lips feathering over Eddie’s pulse.  Eddie hums and closes his eyes as he tips his head back to give Buck better access.  

“I’m in love with you,” he says.  “In case that wasn’t clear.”

Buck’s lips curve up against Eddie’s skin.

“Well that’s convenient,” he replies.  “Since Chris was asking me earlier why you couldn’t just date me if you were going to date again.”

Eddie’s startled into another laugh.  “Really?”

“Really.”

Eddie grins and opens his eyes again.  “Hey Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“Go out with me?”

Buck snorts and pushes him out of the way so he can go back to the potatoes.  

“Help me finish getting dinner together and we’ll see.”  But the second Eddie turns away, Buck snags him by a belt loop and reels him back in for another kiss.

“Yes,” Buck says.  “Yes.”

And it’s right.           

[beyourownanchor6]

Look this picture just gave me a lot of feelings so please enjoy this soft sappy mess I just wrote up on my phone 🥺

I’m Right Where I Wanna Be

Eddie’s heart beat a little faster with each step he took, and not because of a panic attack; he didn’t panic, thank you very much.

He made his way through the all too familiar hospital halls, his eyes darting all around for that mop of blond hair, the one he yearned to pull his hands through. Once Eddie had his best friend in his sights, he slowed to a halt, breathing a slight sigh of relief.

In theory, he already knew Buck was ok, but he had to see him, needed to know for himself. He approached his best friend, Bucks head ducked down into his lap. Eddie crouched in front of him, hesitantly reaching his hand out to grasp Buck’s thigh. “Hey, are-are you ok?”

Buck’s head lifted slowly, Eddie inhaling sharply at the sight. His precious blues looked sullen, purple and blue bruising all under his eye. It was the same one with his adorable birthmark, the harsh bruising standing out against it. Buck gave him that soft smile then, the one that always went straight to Eddies heart. “I’m fine Ed’s. Just a black eye, no biggie.” No biggie? Someone had hurt his best friend, even if by accident, and Eddie was not ok with it.

“Buck I should’ve-I’m supposed to have your back, always.” Buck shrugged his shoulders. “It was a freak accident. Could’ve happened to anyone.” Yes, but it happened to you.

“Have you been seen yet? Shouldn’t you have ice on that or something?” Buck chuckled softly. “Eddie I’m fine, really.” Eddie didn’t believe his best friend for a second, watching as Bucks hands formed fists, his left eye seeming to blink with pain. Without a word, Eddie stood from the floor, making his way to the nurses station. He asked when Buck was going to be seen, asking for an ice pack in the meantime. Walking back toward Buck, he began cracking the pack to get the cool gel working, grabbing some towels to wrap around it.

Buck sighed as Edie walked back in, trying to wave him away; Eddie wasn’t having it. He knelt back down in front of Buck, gently bringing the cool pack to cover his eye, Buck wincing slightly. They were both silent for a few moments, the buzz of the hospital filling the silence around them. Eddie looked up to Buck who had his head tilted back, mind obviously elsewhere. “Hey, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Buck pushed his hand away then, Eddie taking the hint as he brought the ice pack down to his side. “Why are you here Ed’s?” Eddie looked up to him incredulously. “What do you mean? Where else would I be?” Buck bit at his lip, fidgeting with his fingers in front of him. “I just—shouldn’t you be with Chris, or-or Ana?” Yep there it was, the thing Eddie had been trying to avoid, the obvious rift in their friendship.

He had yet to tell Buck about his—not panic attack—knowing his best friend was feeling hurt, if not a little left out of the loop. Eddie tentatively placed a hand on Bucks thigh, willing the man to look at him. “Buck, there’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now. You’re hurt, and-” and I’m in love with you and not Ana and it only took a damn suit and a comment about her being my our sons mother.

He shook his head to gain clarity, squeezing Bucks thigh for reassurance. “I’m always going to be here for you Buck, no matter who’s in my life. I-you’re my best friend, always.” Eddie could feel the sting of tears in his own eyes, looking up to see the same reflected in Bucks. Without thinking, he moved the hand that wasn’t on Bucks leg up to his best friends face, his thumb gently brushing over the bruising before making its way up to the blotchy mark. Buck leaned into his touch, Eddie continuing to rub over it softly.

Bucks voice came out breathy if not a little broken. “Ed’s I—” Eddie couldn’t help but to pull the man into his arms, fully enveloping his best friend. “I know shhh. I’m here Ev, I’m right here.”

Eddie wasn’t sure how long they stayed that way, molded together, but when they pulled apart, Eddie couldn’t help but to wipe the tears from under Bucks eyes, swiping over his mark one last time.

Once Buck was finally seen and given the all clear, Eddie simply led him out to his truck, the two of them hopping in. The drive was silent, Eddie keeping his eyes on the road. It wasn’t until a warm hand reached out to tangle with his own that their stillness broke, Eddie squeezing where his fingers now linked with Bucks. There wasn’t anything to be said, Eddie knowing their actions had said everything they couldn’t.

The next time he’d touch Buck so tenderly would be right before their lips brushed together, the two of them saying all the words they’d always been too afraid to say.

[lover-of-mine]

Hi, hi, hello, here I am again to sound insane about buddie. First, is this speculation? A meta? A canon adjacent fic idea I don't have the skill to execute? Wishful thinking? All of the above? I'm not sure, I just saw a pattern and my brain came up with something very elaborate that I will now tell you about. Also, maybe read this first because that connection is the one that pushed this into place, and if you want more thoughts on Buck and death.

So, if you're new here, I live in a delusional land called they casted Ryan with a plan that recently added a neighborhood called did they tell Ryan Eddie is Buck's endgame? so I'm always looking for something to prove me right because I refuse to believe someone accidentally set up what could be the slow burn to end all slow burns, and I found an interesting pattern after watching Abandon ‘Ships and things escalated. 

But the thing is that Buck and Eddie's relationship is tied with the concept of death. Both of them have very intricate relationships with death individually, but together too. I was thinking about the “we might end up real close” as the very dark joke Buck was actually going for, with the way if that grenade had gone off, there would be no telling them apart in the blast, but it got me thinking about the way Buck is signing up to die with Eddie. They both walk into that ambulance knowing they might very well not walk out, and the fact that they did, is what makes them bond. The wording of “you can have my back any day” is very interesting to me because Eddie is not saying “I will take care of you” he is saying “I trust you to take care of me” and that's a real intense thing to say to the coworker who was picking a fight with you half an hour before. But they bonded over a promise of keeping each other alive that they were forced to keep over and over again. 

And a lot of major changes in their relationship start with a deadly situation. They could have died pancaked on that building after the earthquake, and after that Chris got introduced into their dynamic. The truck explosion had Eddie reversing into being a medic to treat Buck even though it made more sense for him to be using his strength to help lift the truck. The tsunami started the realization that Buck loves Chris like he is his kid, and also had Eddie explicitly affirming the trust he has in Buck. The well made Eddie change his will. That warehouse fire on Buck Begins, Eddie is the first one to Buck's line and he's also waiting for Buck after he gets checked out. Buck saved Eddie's life during the shooting, the will reveal also established how well Eddie knows Buck. They got held at gunpoint together and Buck's automatic reaction to the gunshot is to run towards it because Eddie might be in danger. Buck broke Eddie's door down to help him after his breakdown that was triggered by death, and Buck also had a moment where he thought he would be finding Eddie's body. And Buck actually gives Eddie hope after it all by giving Eddie a good thing about the situation that led him to get shot. 

We established this pattern, but I want to talk about the lightning in more detail because, unlike any situation before, Buck actually died. Eddie doesn't hesitate to go up what's basically a wet lightning rod to get to Buck after the strike even though he had been thrown off the truck, Eddie also performs CPR even though he was driving the ambulance, and it is Eddie shocking Buck that gets his heart beating again. It's almost as if he was, I don't know, welcoming him back to the world of the living? (Ba dum tss lol this is mostly a joke but please keep this in mind)

So we have Eddie literally bringing Buck back from the dead. But Buck is not ready to deal with the consequences and implications of what happened to him, which is understandable, I guess, with his relationship with life and death, but Buck not dealing with it makes it so Eddie won't fully deal with it either. 

Buck is a passively suicidal savior baby and Eddie is a widower. If Daniel didn't get sick Buck wouldn't have been born and Eddie is the last one standing. And that's a lot about how they deal with death. Buck acts as if he's not looking for death but doesn't mind if death finds him and Eddie is burdened by the people he couldn't save. And the thing with Buck's death is that Buck realized that he does care if death finds him and Eddie thinks that since Buck is alive, he doesn't get to feel the grief for the time Buck was dead, not fully at least. 

So they were at a very interesting point where Eddie is constantly around Buck, and is the place Buck runs to when he gets overwhelmed, and Buck is extremely off balance over the fact that he did die this time and he's not sure how to feel about it. But since Buck wasn't ready to look at everything about his death, how he felt about it, how it affected the people he loves, how it took away his coping mechanism when it comes to being in danger since his reaction was always “but I didn't die” or “I didn't get the worst of it” because he did die and he did get the worst of it, so Buck finds a safe place to hide where he can look at his death through the eyes of someone who wasn't affected by it. 

I was always curious about why the cemetery scene happened in a cemetery. Why Buck and Eddie are visiting the grave of someone who didn't die on their watch. Why a conversation about Buck's feelings about death and wanting to forget it happened, happened in a cemetery. And the location of the conversation ties the conversation to the concept of death in the broad sense that keeps tying Buck and Eddie together. Not considering the breakup aspects of the conversation, the cemetery scene is actually about Buck running away from the way death made him feel, he is drawn to this person who thinks death is cool, so he won't have to see his death as a tragedy and now I also think there is a layer about making Eddie realize he needs to let Buck accept what happened before he can help Buck past it. 

In the locker room, Buck is talking about death as something that got boring since it was all Natalia ever wanted to talk about. We will never know the original plan for that relationship, but considering the focus on her being a death doula, I feel like that was always the point, put Buck in a space where he can look at death as something that's not scary anymore. But the scene also ends with Eddie welcoming him back to the world of the living. Eddie has ridiculous survival skills, Buck survived a lot, yeah, but Buck always ends up in these life-or-death situations by accident. He choked on bread, the bomb wasn't aimed at him, the blood clots were a very unlikely complication of the surgery he had on his leg, the odds of getting caught in a tsunami are ridiculously low, and he got struck by lightning. Eddie was out at war, he was targeted by a sniper, he saved his own life on the well, and he tries to pull people out with him. He has now learned to live with the way everyone he saved on that chopper died, but he even blamed himself for the one guy he couldn't save that time. Eddie is not afraid of death, but he is afraid of being the one left alive. Buck on the other hand is almost afraid of what it means that he is alive. So Buck's passively suicidal tendencies, something that Eddie deeply understands about Buck “you act like you're expendable” are something that scares him. Because pre-lightning Buck doesn't really care if he is alive. And since Buck wasn’t ready to talk about what dying did to him, Eddie doesn’t know that Buck now may want to actually live. He doesn’t know that Buck chose to come back, that he fought for it. 

But if death is now something boring, Buck can actually do something about being alive because he wants to. He can actually be in the world of the living because he wants to be, because he believes he has the right to be. He can actually find a place where he doesn’t believe his life matters less. 

And when it comes to Eddie, with the focus on Shannon that we got recently, he can also find a space where he’s not trying to find her. Accept that she was a big part of his life, accept he will always miss her, and find something new. 

Oliver and Ryan have been talking a lot about vulnerability and Buck and Eddie leaning on each other, and with the locker room conversation, their relationship with death individually and together, the fact that the cruise disaster is on the horizon and while we know Buck and Eddie were filming in cruise and out in the sea they are barely in the promo of it, my own Buck will drown speculations (you can read about that here), and the general they will be in danger on the cruise feelings, I think that could mean Buck and Eddie are moving to a place where they could be a couple that works. There’s a lot of talk about the friendship aspect of their relationship and we’ve seen that a lot in the first episode already, but they are chilling in this space where they can talk to each other freely, and getting Buck to a place where he wants to be alive for himself not for what he can offer other people and Eddie to a place where he accepts the people he couldn’t save without it narrowing the way he deals with his relationships. I talk a lot about how Eddie overcorrects, and one complaint Shannon had was that he wasn’t all the way in with her, so he goes too fast with Ana and might be doing the same with Marisol because he’s trying to fix that mistake with someone else, but accepting that what he has with Buck is its own thing that works, and all he needs to do is be open about what he wants could be the push that puts him in the path of loving Buck fully, the same way Buck just goes along with things because he mostly believes he shouldn’t be alive, so why should he want things, so to have Buck get to the place where he realizes that he has what he wants right on his reach, he just needs to ask for it is ideal. 

I made this edit not that long ago, and it’s almost a poem, about how Eddie doesn’t think what he has to offer is enough, so he won’t say what he means, and Buck thinks he needs to settle for what he’s offered, so he won’t ask for more, and how that’s an immovable object meeting an unstoppable force, and they need to move off that impasse for that relationship to work. And being in the world of the living together and finding the little things that make them happy along with all the tragedy that surrounds them, can put them on that path. 

Their whole relationship is about keeping each other alive, Eddie straight up offers Buck a reason to live, why can’t they just find a way to make each other feel alive?

I said up there about how Buck signed up to dying with Eddie by going in that ambulance, and with everything about Buck, Actually (i recommend you read this for Buck actually thoughts about buddie) and how he latched on to the way Thomas and Mitchell died together after hearing about the life they had together, it's important for Buck to realize that point is not to die together, but to have the life together, and I feel like Buck is in the path to understanding that, and Eddie is ready to be happy, this could be it.

They could be learning to be alive together and finding out they want to be together.

As always, if you read this, I love you 💜

[belleta]

9:36pm

Includes: Switch!Bang Chan, switch reader, praise, slightly sensitive reader, fingering, slight bondage, edging, slight soft dom reader, music listening(headphones for best experience)

Straddling Chris’s lap, slightly aggressively kissing. Moving with one another in perfect sync. Swaying to a silent rhythm, grabbing desperately, but passionately. Every kiss, every touch, every pull on each's scalp was ethereal. Feeling each other on levels others wouldn’t understand. You ran your hands from his cheeks to his nape and raked my fingers up, through his strands. Tugging, causing him to moan quietly. Pulling you in for more, sliding his hands up and down your back, tangling with your soft locks. Rolling bodies like sea waves on shore, with no specific roles. Submission and dominance were not present. 

Feeling bored of the lounge, you pushed Chris back a little with a challenging kiss. Gripping the neck of his shirt, pulling him back towards the edge of the couch. After a few moments, you pushed him back to rest on the sofa. Tugged him forward while lightly pulling on his bottom lip, slightly baring your teeth with commanding eyes as you leaned back without him. He tried to follow but you swiftly pushed his chest back with a little force. He hit with a soft thud, mouth still agape, love and lust evidentially in his eyes. His arms raised to the head of the back pillow as you senually rose from my seat on his thighs. Chris’s eyes followed you, however his head didn’t. It stayed lowered even as you arose. Making him a hooded stare with his now swollen bottom lip, legs in a man spread. Giving him a lasting gaze as you slowly walked to our bedroom. He got up and followed. Just as he got to you, you quickly grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him close. Bringing your face close to his, mouth ajared. Moving your lips close, breath fluttering on your faces. As you brushed your noses against each other. Foreheads pressing, together lovingly. You pulled him with me into our bedroom. Pulling Chris in front of you. Moving your head up slightly to just miss his face with a breath, before softly pushing him down on the mattress. Getting in between his legs, moving your head all the way up to his face. Kissing him with such powerful emotion it could make you tear, but you held it in. Running your hands everywhere, all over his body. Making his skin needy for skin to skin contact. He started reaching for his hem, and you completed his action by pulling it up. He raised himself to sitting to let the shirt slide off. Cupping his face and kissing him passionately, which he returned. Lightly pushing him back on the bed. Placing one last kiss on his perfect now reddish lips, before sliding up to walk over to your shared closet. You quickly opened it to see the remotes for mood lights and surround sound. Turning the lights dimmer with a red tint, and playing your “Night Playlist”. You put the remotes down and grabbed a black with metal edges, medium sized chest that had a lock on it. The key was on top of it. Taking the key, put it in the lock and turned. It unlocked, opening to a bunch of toys and different restraints. You reached in to find the dark rope with silk restraints and leather cuffs. Finally grabbing a long black silk ribbon and closed the chest.                            (Listen to “Love is a Bitch” by Two Feet) Locking it and closing the closet doors, you turned back to see Chris lying back on the pillows of your shared bed looking tense. As you strode back over to him, you couldn’t tell if he was excited, afraid, or inpatient. Holding his hand and smiling down at him, he returned it relaxing a bit. You raised his hand and kissed his wrist, working your way to his shoulder and then his collar bone. Crawling on top of him, you sat just above his crotch and grinded on him. Kissing his neck and collarbones in all the right places or more of wrong places. His body started reacting, tingling with sexual frustration. You continued to kiss, lick and lightly bite his skin all over his favorite spots. His skin felt like it was on fire with desperation. Wanting something to push against his shorts. You were at his jawline, his breathing was irregular and he was letting out some involuntary whines as you would brush your hips at the top of his crotch but then move back up again. You started moving down again, sucking and playing with his nipples. Chris’s whines were breathy and now were slurred with soft moans. You started your way down again. Kissing his first rib moving towards the top of his abs. Kissing, lightly licking and nosing them. Breathing on his muscles as you reached his v-line. Paying even more attention to it then any other bit of him. Driving him absolutely crazy. You could hear him pulling on his cuffs. “Please….please…..please...baby.” He was now lifting his hip to your touch, whining for you to touch him there. “Please what baby?” You saw his hand try to reach my head to nudge your attention lower it was quickly stopped by his restrants, he let out a desperate whiny groan. You smiled, “Such a cute baby.” You stopped kissing and moved your head lower to hover above where he wanted it most. “P-please….”, You raised your hand in a scratching position and lightly glided your fingers on his clothed cock. “Please what, sweet baby?”. Waiting for his response as he raised his head up and down, shyly trying to fold the pillow around his face. “Please touch me”, he said quietly. You weren't accepting his request at that volume. “I’m sorry baby, but if you want something, you have to speak up.” You told him softly lacing with lust. “Please rub my cock”, he repeated louder. Now obliging with his words, moving your hand below it, putting pressure and rubbed it slowly once. He let out a choked moan. “Yes, yes….y-yes please...thank you baby”. He bucked his hips and met with my hand. You let it slide, he looked so beautiful. Flushed red, bottom lip sucked between his teeth, eyebrows furrowed in a needy way. Sweet, beautiful sounds escaped his mouth as he occasionally opened his mouth fully letting out even more sinful noises. The sight made you needy to get his basketball shorts out of the way, pulling at the band. He immediately responded and raised his hips. You pulled them off to meet a painful looking hard-on through his underwear. “Awww, does it hurt?......hmm?” You dirty talked him as he nodded, “Do you want me to stroke it until it explodes?” His ears and face darkened “Hmhm....”, he nodded. You started outlining and rubbing him through his black boxers. “Y-yes......p-lease, make my cock explode.” You chuckled darkly “Well you’re going to have to wait babyboy” Chris looked up confused. You swiftly flipped and roughly pulled down his underwear, making him squeal into the pillows. You then harshly pulled his hips in the air. His veiny cock didn’t even move away from his lower abdomen, it was so hard from being teased. The music around you making his body move unintentionally to the beat. You moved your eyes away from his length to his tight darker pink entrance. You brought your touch to your lips and rather lewdly suck on them. Making sure that Chris could hear you. You advanced them to his ass circling his tight rim with your wet index and middle finger. Desperate and impatient, Chris pushes back, forcing the wet digit inside him. You feel the stretch and moan with him as he fails his hands, not knowing where to put them. “Please move, g-god please fuck me please please.” He looked so beggerly spread out, his dark hair now a mess, thighs quivering. You began to slowly fuck him, trying to start a steady rhythm. You were growing impatient, wanting high whines, lewder noises. You pushed your finger around his walls as he sucked in a shuddery breath. One became three, filling him up as pushes back towards your digits, starting to bring vocals from deep in his throat as you thrust. Voice cracking, his walls clenching around you. You flip Chris over back on his back, his neglected cock dripping. Lifting his legs slightly you shove your fingers back into his greedy hole, deeper than before. Hitting his prostate dead on, his eyes rolled back, tongue lolling as he pants and moans. “F-fuck Don’t....fUck fuck im-” You grip his cock with your other hand, pumping at a relentlessly, hammering your fingers into his hole at the same pace. Chris’s knuckles are almost white due how hard he’s gripping at the sheets under him, his toes curling in the air, gasping for breath. “I-IM GONNA CUM FUCK FUCK F-UCK~”. You stopped, pulling out, growling. He cried out, losing his high. Getting up with the black silk and rope restraints you moved to the base of the bed, tying his legs down. You stand back to admire him, only to be awestruck. He looked unreal. All flushed, lust clouding his eyes, love bites painted across his milky skin, hole wet and cock red and throbbing. The lighting hitting him just right making him look sinfully angelic. You strode over to him, grabbing his left then right hand. Cuffing and loosely tying them to the headboard as he whined. The cuffs really completed the sight. You climbed back on the bed, briskly grabbing onto his length. His voice cracked as his eyes glossed over. “You look ethereal.” You said gazing at him. He whined out at both the praise and the feeling of you slowly jerking him off as you came closer to his face. He can’t help but thrust up into your hand, it just feels so good. He was aching to reach the previous pleasure he had received “Faster….please?” he moaned. “Anything for you, sweet baby. You’re so good for me, so polite,” you continue to shower him with praise, cooing, knowing how much he loves it, as you speed up your strokes. “B-baby” Chris shakily whimpers. His fists clenching and unclenching the sheets, legs trembling with every swipe of your thumb. His moans mixing with the melody, making the most beautiful music to your ears. Knowing your boyfriend's body all too well so you completely withdraw your hand. Dismissing his release once more. His head threw back in a lewd long wail. Your lips moved on his thigh, peppering light kisses on the abused skin. “I’m close..Fuck.. S-so close baby….PLEASE” he whimpers trying his hardest to not cum right then and there. You wait a little for his orgasm to fade away completely. “Such a good boy” you praised him, as he stopped whining.  (Listen to “It Won’t” by Sevyn Streeter ft. Chris Brown) “Baby”, you called, he raised his teary gaze. You lifted your hips, so that you were standing on your knees. You looked him in the eyes as you moved with the music playing all around you. Swaying and moving your hands all over your body, while you sensually remove your clothing in front of him. His eyes darkened despite his position tied to the bed and previous events done to him. Sliding up to him, removing your underwear lying next to him. You kiss him passionately, as he hungrily pushes back on your lips. You remove his cuffs and he grabs your waist, pulling you on top of him. He raised himself to sitting with you clung onto him. Your heat dragged down his cock, he groaned, you moaning. You kissed each other sensually with hunger. You move back, Chris not breaking the kiss. You removed his foot restraints. He immediately pulled you into his lap. Kissing with such passion it completely consumed the both of you. He pulled your hunches up closer to his abs, leaning back. The breathless whines coming out of your mouths as you lowered yourself down onto him. The sensation was absolutely intoxicating, filling your heads and blocking out any other thoughts. Everything fit perfectly, your hands locking around each together, his wrapping around you, while yours in his shadowy curls, lips enclasping, your connection. Sliding, clenching, holding both of you physically and spiritually. While your bodies entwined, pleasuring and loving each other. Your souls left and bounded as one, nurturing the other. Filling in what their other half lacks and they possess. Forming a perfect whole bond. The music consuming you, both swaying to the rhythm. The both of you let out sighs of pleasure, as you finally connect in the way you needed most. It was relaxed at first, but quickly sped up as you felt just how needy you really were. You held onto him, pressing your bodies together in a panting hug. Your skin on his, feeling each other. “Fuck… You feel so good.” He groaned. Chris’s hands reach out to touch any part of you he can. You bury your face in his neck, holding him tightly. Tears bead at the corner of your eyes from the sensation. Your happiness, the pleasure and love for him overflowing. “Fuck...fuck...fuck...fuck...” He murmurs incessantly, feeling his orgasm build again. “Please...let me cum… Fu...fuck please...” The breathless begging adds to your own arousal. “Cum for me, baby.” You whispered into his ear while pulling an arm out from under him. “Fuck... Don't stop. Please...don't fucking stop...” He says in between moans. As if you had any intention to. His nails dig into your back to keep you in place, while leaving scratches in their wake. His continuous begging echoed through your skull. “Fuck...” You groan while sitting back up. You slow your hips to an almost agonizing pace, just to hear him whine and beg even more.

“No...no...please...” His desperation makes your walls clench and pulsate around him. “Please...don't stop...” “Don't worry, I'm not.” He sped up, “F-faster please,” Chris pleaded, his voice close to breaking. You were happy to oblige, rolling your hips harder on his. He filled you up so perfectly, just like he always did, and you couldn’t help moaning out loud, the music blending your echoing voices. Chris’s breathless whimpers sounded in your ears and you returned the favor in his. Chris reached up to grip your waist. “God you feel so good around me bab-” he cut himself off with a whiny scream as you clenched around him. You couldn’t help it, hearing him say that made you swell up inside. Leaning back for a second, seeing him covered in a thin sheen of sweat and moaning in that fucking voice of his, it was almost too much for you. “Really?” you asked huffing, “Yes baby, you fit so perfectly around me and in my arms.” You slowed down your motions, and so did he. You stare into each other’s eyes, then you kissed him. Resuming both of your movements. You whispered in his ear “I love you Christopher”, You felt his cheek pressed against your shoulder, warming up as he mixed light giggles in his pants. “I love you more Y/N”, then he kissed you with so much love it could literally be felt in the air. You sped up, moving as fast as you could muster, while clenching as hard as you could. Chris cried out, squeezing his eyes shut, “fuck fuck fuck, please don’t stop, oh g-god.” “You gonna cum soon, baby boy?” you asked him, changing your technique. His voice got caught in his throat, he couldn’t speak, just nodded his head. You could feel him start to twitch inside of you, signaling that he was close. Frantically, Chris thrusted upwards to get more friction, hitting your g spot straight on. You moaned out loudly, letting your head fall on his shoulder as you trembled in pleasure. You rocked back and forth, holding onto Chris’s shoulders as he thrusted upwards over and over again, hitting you in all the right spots. You screamed out in pleasure, shaking, and Chris’s desperate sobs echoed in your ears. His hands came up to grab your hips and shoulder pushing and pulling you down in a harsh manner made you see stars. His hold would leave marks, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care anymore. “F-FUCK!” Chris screamed, “I‘m gonna c-cum!” he cried out. “I’m gonna cum, so ffucking ha-” His words cut as you felt him thrust into you, bucking his hips uncontrollably. That was all it took for you to clench violently and come apart squeezing him tightly against you, the force of your orgasm leaving you seeing white. Chris was right with you, shaking uncontrollably as he filled you up with his cum, voice cracking, letting out some of the most arousing high sounds you’ve heard. The two of your were left fucked out, intertwined in each other, not willing to let go. Both covered in sweat and breathing heavily. Chris slowly laid both of you back down, your legs shifting. He quickly moved you to his side, to make sure your connection didn’t break yet. “Can we stay like this?” he asked shyly, breathing into your hair. Taking in your unique sweet smell of fruits, flowers, cakes, and sweets. You turned your neck to him, smiling, pressing your lips against his nose softly. “Yes, we can. I don’t want to leave you anyways.” He smiled, his dimples showing, “I love you.” He nuzzled into your face. You mirrored and kissed his nose again, “I love you too.” You said bringing your hand up to cup and caress his cheek. Kissing his lips and parting, you tangled your fingers through his hair and as he rested his tired head, wrapping his arm around you. You let him stay there, pressing your lips to his forehead as “Get You” by Daniel Caesar played. You pulled out without waking your now sleeping boyfriend

“Good Night Baby”

[kitchenscene]

forever & a pond for the word place thing

until you say i do forever + a pond [ao3 link] _____________

It’s a late summer night. Water flows below them, passing under the bridge. Trees hang low, branches swaying in the wind. He has to duck his head to avoid the leaves. It’s all in vain, they still fall into his hair only to be plucked away by another breeze or Buck’s gentle hand.

The creek flows into a small pond, stepping stones carving a path across the water. Frogs croak and leap from rock to rock, chasing each other in circles, cheering each other along from the tall grasses growing along the sides. Crickets echo their calls, though their bouncing is more discrete.

Stepping side by side, the wood creaks as they pass over the bridge. Slow steps, soft steps, barely moving along. Their hands swing together in the little space that remains between them, interlocked. Shoulder brushing against shoulder, soft circles against his palm.

There’s a gentle weight in his right pocket, a platinum ring against his thigh. It should scare him, but it doesn’t. If anything, it’s grounding.

read on ao3

“I never thought I’d have this,” Buck breaks the silence, holding up their joined hands. Eddie turns away from the path ahead to look up to him. His curls sway in the wind, tangling around his hairline.

“I hoped I would,” Eddie admits, “didn’t always believe it, but I hoped.”

Stolen glances, lingering touches, he hoped. Movie nights, family day trips, he hoped. Take out containers and desserts without recipes, he hoped. For a long time that’s all he could do. Settling into his feelings and settling too late, Eddie truly had terrible timing. His breakup led perfectly into Buck’s newest relationship. Seven months, all he could do was hope. Hope and wait. Buck and Taylor, he knew they wouldn’t last, and most days he felt awful, praying for Buck’s broken heart, praying he would heal and move on. Longing hurts. It hurts and hurts and hurts.

It took time, but they healed together. There wasn’t a grand confession, no dramatic declarations. It was a car ride, driving home from a slow day. Buck called it home without hesitation, and Eddie begged for a red light, wanting nothing more than to take his face in his hands and say, “You. You’re my home.”

They didn’t stop until they reached the driveway, parked on the left, Buck’s parking spot. Eddie took his hand before he could reach for the door, pleading for him to stay, knowing his confidence soon would fade.

“Stay,” he said, holding on tight, “not just for tonight.”

“I don’t plan on leaving,” he assured, “Not ever.”

Eddie didn’t fall for Buck, no, it was a choice. He didn’t trip over the edge, stumble into love, but rather jumped off the cliff, diving head first, knowing he’d be caught somewhere along the way. He chose to lean closer and whisper promises into the air between them. He chose to hold Buck’s face in his hands, a reassurance that he wants this, them together, as long as he can have it. Buck may argue it was the other way around, but Eddie kissed him. All the hoping, all the waiting, he kissed him first, leaving no room for doubt in between. He made a choice, there in the driveway. He’ll make the same one, time and time again.

The bridge turns off into a boardwalk, a solid oak platform suspending them over the water. Information plaques prop up off the outer railings detailing the plants and wildlife surrounding them. They stop walking. Buck stares out onto the pond, lilies overgrowing and dragonflies swarming. It’s beautiful, the moon reflecting off the water, ripples outlining the shore. Eddie stares at Buck instead.

“There’s dirt on your face,” he laughs, wiping it away with his thumb. Eddie leaves his hand against Buck’s cheek long after the spot is wiped clean.

“And there’s dead leaves in your hair,” Buck says, turning towards him, ruffling his hair. The dirt and leaves float to the ground, falling between the wood panels, lingering on the water’s surface. He reaches up to fix his hair, but Buck messes it up once again. His laughter is bright, the frogs and fish and hidden crickets all return to laugh along.

“You’re the worst,” he teases, sliding his hand from Buck’s cheek to his hair, shaking out the curls. Buck swats his hand away before letting it rest on Eddie’s arm.

“You love me,” Buck says with absolute certainty.

“How could I not?”

With a heart so full, so willing to give and give and give, how could he not? Loving Buck is the easiest choice he’ll ever make.

His face softens at Eddie’s question. A smile lifts that he could not possibly force down. They lean against the edge of the boardwalk, a dark night, though he can see as clear as ever. Somewhere above is the moon, lighting the way. A little further is the stars, leading the way. They see the ring in his pocket, and they twinkle with anticipation.

“I love you too, y’know,” Buck says, still holding Eddie’s arm. His own hands trace Buck’s ribcage, counting the bones, shifting with each breath.

“I never doubted it,” he says. “Even when you mock me, even when I misunderstand you, even if we’re fighting. You’re still easy to love.”

They sway together with the breeze under the watchful eye of the stars. He pays attention to Buck’s gentle hold, to the soft chirps and the splashes. It’s a good moment, one of the best. He’s right where he needs to be, and he never wants to forget.

“You’re easy to love,” Buck returns, “you’re also easy to mock.”

Eddie pinches Buck’s side and he laughs at the touch. “I’m telling you how much I love you, and you’re making fun of me?”

“You make it too easy.”

The weight in his front pocket feels a little lighter.

“I wouldn’t want it any other way,” he says. “You and me, forever. That’s the deal.”

Buck is his best friend. They became something more, boyfriends, life partners, but underneath all that, they’re still just best friends. They make stupid jokes that become incomprehensible to anyone around them. One word, two words spoken is worth essays and speeches, even in silence, they understand one another.

“You’re sure?” Buck asks, though his smile is evident. “Forever’s a long time.”

Eddie shakes his head. “Not long enough.”

One lifetime, one thousand, it could never be enough, though he’ll do what he can with the time they have. God knows they’ve already wasted enough.

He pulls one hand away from Buck’s waist. Somewhere in his pocket, buried deep, there’s the ring. It spins between his fingers for a moment before surfacing, just above the seams. He squeezes tight, not willing to let it go. Eddie looks down, watching the metal shine in the moonlight. He doesn’t fall to one knee, no, he doesn’t fall. There’s a fraction of a speech in his head, though he could never find the words to fully encompass his thoughts. He’s muttered hundreds of, “I love you’s,” over the years; it will never be enough.

Buck doesn’t look down at the ring, he looks to Eddie instead with such softness. He’s noticed it’s a look reserved for only him, just as Eddie’s loudest laughs are only for Buck and Chris, and how he only lets himself be held by Buck.

He lifts the ring a little higher, finally catching Buck’s eye. His breath hitches as he glances between Eddie’s hands and his eyes.

“I want forever,” Eddie says, “but I’ll take whatever I can get.”

“You can have forever,” Buck nods, pulling him impossibly closer, “I’m not going anywhere.”

He leans down to kiss Eddie like it’s a promise, a pinky swear. It’s a feeling he’ll never tire of, being molded by Buck’s touch, firm and gentle. No rush, no booming in his chest or flipping in his gut. Safety, that’s all it is. It’s coming home, it’s a solid landing. Buck kisses him with determination, as a reassurance. He’ll never leave, it’s laced in every kiss, somewhere between their lips. Eddie leans back, lifting the ring once again with a laugh. There’s a question he forgot to ask.

“Marry me?”

Bucks nods again, nose brushing against Eddie’s. He nods once, twice, kissing him again and again. Even if he never asked, he’s certain the answer would’ve been yes. Buck could say nothing at all, and he’d still know the answer.

He pulls away long enough to slip the ring onto his finger, hands tangling, platinum shining in the moonlight. Another leaf falls in his hair, he makes no effort to move it. It’ll fall with the breeze, while Eddie stands with Buck. Hands roaming, kisses repeating, he stands with Buck.

send me a word + a place and i'll write you a short buddie fic

[mooresomore]

Buck woke up to the sunlight filtering through the window. The other side of the bed was cold, which meant Eddie had been up for a while. Christopher had stayed the night with his Abuela, so it was just the two of them in the house. 

Buck made his way downstairs, where he found Eddie sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in an old LAFD academy shirt. The way the shirt was just slightly too big on him instantly told Buck that it was Buck’s shirt.

“Morning.” Buck said, pouring himself a cup of coffee and sitting down at the table beside Eddie. And yep, there was the “Buckley” in faint print above Eddie’s heart. Buck didn’t miss the way it made his heart flip still, even though they’d been together for 4 years now (and had just gotten married 6 months ago). “Sleep well?”

“Yeah, did you?”

“I did.” Buck said. “That shirt looks good on you.”

Eddie flushed a little. “Oh. Sorry about that. I just grabbed the first one in the drawer. I was trying to not wake you up.”

“Never said I didn’t like it,” Buck leaned across the table and stole a kiss. “Besides, it’s kinda hot to see you wearing my clothes. Not gonna lie.”

Eddie’s cheeks flushed a little. “Noted.”

“I just wish I could wear yours a little more, you know.” Buck said. “You know, without stretching them out.”

“Hey, I love it.” Eddie says. “Besides, most of them I’m not wearing anyway, so it’s not a big deal.” He pauses for a minute before looking at Buck. “You really don’t stretch them out so much. I like seeing you in my things. Gives me those ‘he’s mine’ feelings.”

Buck looked at Eddie. “Noted. I’m taking it you haven’t eaten yet?”

“No.” Eddie said. “Again, trying to not wake you up. The smoke alarm would have defeated that purpose.”

They both shared a laugh. “You’re getting better.” Buck said. 

“Maybe I’ll master making a full course meal by the time Christopher graduates college and moves out.” Eddie said.

“I’ll always be here to eat it.” Buck said.

“What are your plans for today?” Eddie asked, changing the subject. He didn’t want to think about Christopher getting too old to need them (which in turn made him think about him and Buck getting older too).

“Didn’t really have any. What you got in mind?”

“Let’s go get Chris and take a family day to the zoo?” Eddie suggested.

“That sounds like a wonderful plan.” Buck said. “You gonna change clothes?”

“Not unless you want me to.” Eddie said. Those words hit Buck like a two by four to the chest. Eddie didn’t have a problem with everyone seeing him out in his husband’s shirt.

“I don’t.” Buck said, coming to sit in Eddie’s lap. “I think that’s really hot actually, and I’ll show you how much I like it later.”

“Or you could now?” Eddie asked. “I mean, since our son will be here tonight and we can’t do all the things we want to do to each other…”

“Ok, bedroom.” Buck didn’t need to think twice.

A little while later, they were both fully showered and on their way to get Christopher (Buck had found one of Eddie’s old academy shirts too and put it on- they almost weren’t able to make it out of house when Eddie realized that; Buck had promised Eddie a reward though if he was good during the outing).

They were at the zoo when they ran into Hen, Karen, and Denny. Karen and Hen shared knowing looks with each other after seeing the shirts, but they didn’t say anything (Hen just raised her eyebrows at Buck, who grinned like the cat that had eaten the canary). It was Christopher who came up with the zinger that made them all laugh until their sides hurt.

“My dads are a married couple who wear each other’s clothes in public.” He said, looking at Denny. “They are so gross, even if they think it’s cute.”

Buck was wheezing looking at Eddie, who looked scandalized at his son thinking he was gross. Karen and Hen were laughing so hard they were crying.

“Get used to it son.” Buck teased Christopher, ruffling his hair. “Because we are so that married gross couple. You just wait. There’s more to come.”

“Argh!” Christopher threw up his hands in fake disgust. “I can’t even with you two right now. Come on Denny.” The two boys went walking ahead of the group; the four adults broke into another round of laughter, and then Karen and Hen went with the boys, leaving Eddie and Buck by themselves for a minute.

“Eds, you know Chris is kidding, right?” Buck asked, seeing Eddie still looking like Christopher’s words were weighing on his mind.

“Yeah,” Eddie said. “But what if he isn’t? What if sharing clothes really does bother him?”

“We’ll talk with him when we get home, ok? This isn’t the place for it. If he’s not ok with it, we can stop. But that’s a family conversation. Now, let’s go catch up with them.”

“Alright.” Eddie said. He tried to put on a face that made it look like the scene that had just happened was all in his head, but he knew Buck could see right through it. Especially when Buck grabbed his hand and held on tight.

The rest of the trip passed by in a flash (not quick enough, if Eddie was being honest; he just wanted to get home and talk to his son); when they were home, the first thing Eddie did was go into the bedroom and grab one of his old army shirts and put it on. He didn’t miss the way Buck’s face fell. He really felt bad when Buck didn’t say a word and changed his own shirt as well.

“Christopher, can you come in here for a second?” Eddie asked; Christopher came into the living room to find Eddie and Buck sitting on opposite ends of the couch. 

“What’s up?” Christopher asked.

“Sit down.” Christopher took the space in between Eddie and Buck; this seemed like a serious conversation.

“Did you really mean what you said today at the zoo?” Eddie asked. “Where we grossed you out by wearing each other’s clothes.”

“Dad,” Christopher groaned. “Of course I didn’t. You know I’m going through my ‘you guys are my parents and everything you do is embarrassing’ phase. Wait,” Christopher paused. “You really thought…”

“Yeah.” Eddie said.

“Dad, no. I love you and Buck so much. I love that he makes you happy and you make him happy.” Christopher said. 

“See Eddie? I told you our son was just kidding.” Buck said. He turned and looked at Christopher. “Your dad here was worried we were being too much for you and that you really meant what you said.”

“Never.” Christopher said, leaning over and giving Eddie a hug. “I love you dad.”

“Love you too buddy.” Eddie said.

***

“See?” Buck said as they climbed into bed that night. “Using your words gets you the answers you need instead of just assuming the worst is happening.”

“Fine. You win this time.” Eddie said, turning in Buck’s arms so they were chest-to-chest. “But you get to deal with him during his horrible teenage tantrums.”

“Oh no you don’t,” Buck laughed. “Those are all you. Besides, I can already see him yelling at me that I’m not his real dad.” Oh shit, I didn’t mean to say that last sentence out loud.

Eddie sat up so fast he almost connected with Buck’s chin. “Don’t you dare say that.”

“Eds, it’s the truth. I’m not. No matter how much you or he say I am. I’ve seen it before- I’ve done it before. I told Maddie she wasn’t my mom so many times, even though she was the one basically raising me.” Buck said. “It’s a part of it.”

Eddie thought back to his own teen years and the fights he and his parents would have. “I know. I just… I need you here as my partner through it.”

“I will be. I’m not going anywhere.” Buck promised. “I just can’t promise I won’t panic or won’t react when it does happen.”

“We’ll get there when we do.” Eddie said. “We still got a couple years left. For now, let’s just be the embarrassing parents.”

“I can settle for that.” Buck said. “Come on back down here. I was comfortable.”

“I was too.” Eddie agreed, letting his head slide back down onto Buck’s shoulder. “I love you.”

“Love you too.”

In the morning, when Buck had waffles on the griddle, Eddie knew it was a peace offering for last night. He didn’t say a word though; he just went and got Christopher out of bed and downstairs, and that’s when he realized Buck was wearing his old Army t-shirt. The one that had always been slightly big on Eddie. It fit Buck perfectly though. And seeing his own last name splayed across Buck’s back did some things that Eddie couldn’t talk about (or do) in front of Christopher. Buck seemed to know what Eddie was thinking though, because he mouthed, “Later”.

Eddie had married the best person ever. That was his story, and he was sticking to it.

[nurse-buckley]

I’ll Always Come When You Call - Part 2 (I’m Coming)

Fandom: 9-1-1  Word Count: 1,509 Characters: Christopher Diaz, Eddie Diaz, Evan Buckley, mentions of the firefam.  Warnings: mentions of hospitals and minor hospital procedures.  Summary: Buck and Chris make their way to the hospital to be there for him.  Tagslist: @firemedicdiaz @fireladybuckley @pupandangelscoffee @winterreader-nowwriter​ @dayrin085​ 

Beta’d by the amazing @evanbuckos

Buck broke more than a few speed limits following the ambulance, but if he was honest, he didn’t care. He was a good driver, a safe driver and although he was being reserved with Chris in the seat next to him, he wasn’t going to let the ambulance out of his sight. 

Buck pulled up into the visitors parking, reluctantly letting the ambulance leave his sight as it pulled in front of the emergency room doors. The younger firefighter pulled into the space, practically throwing his door open before he ran to Chris’ side of the car. Still bundled up in blankets, Chris held out his arms, allowing Buck to lift him easily onto his hip. The pair ran towards the main entrance of the hospital, Buck not even fully waiting for the sliding doors to open before he pushed his way into the reception area. He approached the reception desk, his breathing heavy as he opened his mouth to explain himself to the receptionist. “I’m looking for my friend, he’s just been brought in, he’s my partner, we’re uh...firefighters, I-I’ve got his son here.” 

The receptionist could see the panic on the younger man's face. “Have you got a name?” 

“Diaz, Eddie Diaz.” 

The receptionist began typing in her computer, only pausing when she had the necessary information. “It looks like he’s still in the emergency room, they’re treating him right now, but if you take a seat I can get a nurse to speak to you when we have any news.” 

Buck nodded his thanks, holding Chris just a bit tighter as he made his way to the chairs he’s found himself in more times than he’d wished. Everytime waiting for news of his friends. He sat down on one of the hard chairs, moving Chris to sit across his lap, head on his chest. It was as comfy as the pair would get for now. 

Buck had thought Chris was sleeping until he felt a shift and a small sniff followed by Chris’ small voice, “is daddy going to be okay?” 

Buck squeezed the younger boy in his arms, pressing his lips to his head, he wasn’t sure who he was comforting more with the gesture. “I hope so bud, I hope so.” 

Not long after, much to Buck’s relief, Chris had fallen into a light sleep. He twitched, tossing and turning to get comfortable every now and then, but for the most part he was resting. Buck seized the opportunity to take out his phone, being careful not to jostle the younger boy, and texted the 118 group chat to see if anyone was awake. 

“What’s up Buck?” Came Bobby’s reply first. 

Buck didn’t hesitate in calling the captain’s number. Relief washed over him when the man he saw as a father answered on the second ring. “It’s Eddie…” Buck explained the situation, being cautious not to wake the sleeping boy in his arms. With the knowledge that Bobby would be there in the morning, Buck allowed himself to relax a little. 

Buck could feel the warmth coming off the younger boy the longer they sat cuddled together. He slowly unwrapped him from his blanket cocoon, hushing him gently as he whined against the loss of covering. “I know Chris, but we’ve gotta keep your temperature down,” Buck explained, placing his free hand on his forehead to feel his temperature.   

He wasn’t happy with warmth coming off of the younger boy. He cursed inwardly, remembering they had left in such a hurry he didn’t have time to grab the tylenol left on the side. He thought he could maybe text Bobby to bring some on his way to the hospital, but the thought was cut off as he saw a nurse approaching him. 

“Diaz family?” 

Buck waved his hand, not wanting to move the sleeping boy on his lap. The female nurse walked over, sitting in the seat next to him before he began to explain Eddie’s condition. “As you know, Mr Diaz wasn’t responsive when he came into our care, he’s still unconscious right now, but he’s resting. He was severely dehydrated so we’ve got him on IV fluids and are giving him medication to reduce his fever. You can come and sit with him if you’d like.” 

The younger firefighter leant in close to Chris’ ear, softly whispering, “hey buddy, we can go see your dad now.” 

The nurse led the two boys into the room Eddie had been assigned. Eddie lay on the bed, eyes closed, he wore a hospital gown, wires covered his body and he had cannula in the back of his hand and the crook of his arm. Buck noticed how vulnerable he looked, his skin still pale although with the fluids he could already see the improvement. A quick glance of his vitals showed Eddie was stable and Buck allowed himself to relax for the first time that night since he had received the panicked call from Chris.  

The nurse pulled up a chair close to the bed, allowing Buck to sit down. Despite knowing Eddie would be okay with rest and fluids, Buck knew he wouldn’t be able to rest until Eddie was conscious again. 

He was brought out of his thoughts when another nurse, who’d come in to change Eddie’s fluids out, spoke to him. “Do you want us to check your son over? He’s not looking well himself.” She knelt down in front of the two and placed a comforting hand on Chris’ forehead. He shifted slightly in Buck’s embrace in an attempt to move away from the nurse who now invaded his personal space. 

“He’s uh…” Buck paused in thought, “yeah, I mean, if it’s not too much trouble. I think he had some Tylenol earlier but his temperature’s rising again.” 

The nurse held out her hand out to Chris, expecting him to take hold but he only hid further into Buck’s chest and gripped him tighter.  

Buck moved Chris to face him, “you need to be strong and healthy to look after your dad, bud. I’ll come with you and be by your side the whole time, okay?” 

He let out a soft whine, the internal struggle of just needing to be in Buck’s arms but knowing his dad would want him to be healthy. Buck would have missed the small reply had he not felt Chris nod his head against him. 

“I don’t want to leave dad.”  

Buck began to wrack his brain to come up with any way he could try and convince the younger boy to leave his dad. If he was honest, he didn’t want to leave Eddie’s side either, but Eddie was in safe hands and he needed to be sure Chris was healthy too. 

To his relief, the nurse had said she could check him over and they would not have to leave the room. With some coaxing from both the nurse and Buck, and Buck being an impromptu test dummy for some of the exams Chris was reluctant to consent to, the nurse had given him a clean bill of health. He’d been given some more Tylenol, the cherry flavour, much to his dismay. 

By the time morning came, Buck was exhausted. He had managed to settle Chris down on a cot one of the nurses had brought in for him and all he could do now was wait. Bobby, Chim, and Hen had shown up, sending a text to Buck to let him know they were in the waiting room and to let them know if there was any change. 

Buck was beginning to nod off when he heard the shift from the bed next to him. 

Eddie startled with an inhale, “Where’s Chris?” 

Buck leaped from his chair, a hand on his shoulder to gently push his friend back. “Hey it’s alright, he’s fine, he’s right here.” He moved aside, allowing Eddie to see his son, soundly asleep on the bed by his side. 

The two were silent, Buck allowing Eddie to catch his breath as he gave a gentle pat to his friends shoulder.  

“You can’t do that to me...to Chris again,” he admitted. 

The confession from Buck didn’t escape Eddie. “I’m sorry.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were sick? I could have come round, could have taken Chris off your hands for a while, looked after you both if you would have asked.” 

“I didn’t want to bother you,” he admitted with a shake of his head.   

“Neither of you could ever bother me. You know I’ll always come when you call, that goes for both of you.” the younger firefighter smiled back. 

Buck sat back in the chair next to Eddie’s bed and a comfortable silence fell over the pair for a while. When he could see his friend fighting sleep, Buck decided to leave, allowing Chris and Eddie to rest. He stood up to take his leave, stopping only to stare at the two a moment longer before he left to update the rest of the team. 

[half-bakedboy]

Where’s My Love? (read on ao3)

Pairing: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz Rated: Teen Summary: Buck felt all of the air leave his lungs and his heart jumped into his throat because no one had ever told him he was allowed to be upset.

Maddie had always asked him to give their parents a break, to cut them some slack and be grateful the siblings at least had each other. But no one in his life - his sister or other distant relatives, his guidance counselors or teachers, his friend’s parents, all of whom saw how he was impacted - had ever told him it was okay to feel angry or that it was okay to expect more from the people who raised him.

Or a Season 4 Episode 4 coda where Eddie helps Buck get through the dinner with his parents without even knowing it. 

With his parents back in town and his mind racing with thoughts of being forced to socialize with them after so many relatively peaceful years, Buck’s anxiety was the highest it had ever been. That was saying a lot considering he had survived an earthquake, a firetruck bombing and subsequent embolism, and even a fucking tsunami all within the last two years. It made him laugh - almost as much as it made him want to throw up - that a surprise visit from the people that raised him was triggering more of a trauma response than any of those other events.

He took a deep breath as he wandered the streets of L.A. and considered his options. He was set to have dinner one more time with Maddie, Chim, and his parents, and he honestly wasn’t sure how he was going to make it through and keep his mouth shut like he had promised his sister. She asked Buck to understand where they were coming from, to realize that they tried their hardest and that things could have been a lot worse, but Buck couldn’t imagine how that was fair.

It wasn’t fair that it was always his job to push aside their parenting failures because he was an adult and had turned out ‘just fine’ as Maddie had always put it. It wasn’t fair that their small jabs at Maddie tore open the scars Doug had left on her or that their obvious misguidances of Buck in every way caused shame and hurt to flood through every inch of his body when they spoke. It didn’t matter that Maddie was pregnant from a man that truly loved her and treated her right and had a job that she really kicked ass at. If that didn’t matter, then it certainly wouldn’t that Buck had worked harder to become a firefighter than he ever had in his life and that for once, he was truly happy when he looked toward the future.

No, none of that seemed to matter, because Evan and Maddie had to be on their best behavior and pretend that their parents did the best that they could given the circumstances, of which Buck wasn’t aware enough to fully understand. He would get through one more dinner for Maddie and Chimney’s sake and his parents would go back to wherever they decided to venture to next and Buck could repress all of the negative emotions that welled up inside of him once again.

Before he knew it, he was in front of Eddie’s door. He let out a small chuckle at the fact that even when he was lost in his own mind, his body found its way to Eddie. Buck relied on him so much more in the last few years, more than he ever expected to rely on anyone let alone the one person he had despised on sight. He figured it made sense for his subconscious to bring him there, though. Eddie was a father, first and foremost, and he had made that clear since joining the 118 that being a father was the most important thing to him even above his career. Buck knew how much being a firefighter meant to him, so he could only imagine the kind of love Eddie must have for Christopher to put anything above that.

He knocked on the door without a second thought and placed his hands in his pockets nervously as he waited for an answer. When he saw Christopher’s face as the door opened, his heart soared and he held out his arms for an inevitable hug. He loved how Christopher’s hugs were always full-bodied and suffocating because that was just how Buck needed them to be, especially then.

“Buck! Dad didn’t tell me you were coming over!” Christopher said excitedly and Buck was grateful that at least one of the duo was happy to see him. Even though he figured Eddie would be completely fine with the unexpected visit, his mind was too hazed with anxiety to accept that.

“That’s because he didn’t know, Bud. Where is he?” Buck asked, taking a few steps inside just as Eddie rounded the corner. Eddie’s face showed surprise and then immediate concern, and even once Buck smiled at him, the worry in his features seemed to only marginally lessen as he smiled back.

“Just in time to tuck Christopher into bed for the night!” Eddie yelled with a mock joy that did nothing to convince Christopher that bedtime was as exciting as Buck’s surprise arrival.

“But dad,” Christopher drawled out, “Buck just got here!” For a moment, Buck’s guilt must have been obvious, but Eddie scooped his son up in his arms with an easy explanation.

“And Buck can visit anytime he likes. That doesn’t mean you need to be awake for it. Go brush your teeth while I talk with him and we’ll both come say goodnight in a few minutes, okay?” Christopher sighed heavily as Eddie put him back on the ground, but peered around to Buck who nodded to confirm that he wasn’t going anywhere. If he had the opportunity to put his favorite kid to bed, he wouldn’t - and couldn’t when Christopher looked at him with such wide, pleading eyes - say no.

When Christopher was safely out of earshot, Eddie rested a hand on Buck’s shoulder and stated, “You barely ever come here without texting me first.” Buck huffed out a laugh.

“What? I’m not just allowed to come by ‘anytime I like’?” Buck quoted back at Eddie who looked very unimpressed having his words used against him. The ‘you know that’s not what I meant’ was clear in the way his eyebrows furrowed and his arms crossed over his chest. “I just needed a friend. I needed-- well, I needed you,” Buck admitted simply, and fortunately, that appeared to be enough.

“I’ve got a few beers in the fridge leftover from the game on Sunday and I think some juice and Gatorade? Take your pick,” Eddie offered from where he continued finishing up the dirty dishes from dinner. Buck needed to keep his hands busy or his nerves would get the best of him so he stood next to Eddie, holding his hands out for the next rinsed off dish. Eddie apparently decided to take the help and handed Buck the cleaned saucepot without a word.

Their bodies were aligned perfectly with arms pressed together snugly and Bucks’ socked foot nudging against Eddie’s slippered one with each pivot toward the dishwasher. It was comfortable in every sense of the word and just what Buck needed for his mind to finally start to simmer down. For a few minutes, all he focused on was the warmth radiating from Eddie’s body and the repetitive motions of putting the dishes away the exact way he knew Eddie wanted them. He started the dishwasher and all of the stress associated with his parent’s disappointment was washed away from him as if he put himself in the rinse cycle.

“Buck! Dad!” Christopher called from what sounded like his bedroom. As they walked together, Eddie’s hand never left the middle of Buck’s back as if he somehow knew exactly what Buck had needed from the moment he arrived.

“Ouch,” Eddie began and they entered Christopher’s room, “pushed to second place when his Buck is around. Really stings, kid.” Christopher grinned at them unaffected, his smile brighter than anything Buck had ever seen, and he patted his dad on the cheek.

“I like when both of you put me to bed,” Christopher stated and Buck’s heart exploded once more. He couldn’t resist leaning down and wrapping his arms around the kid as tight as he could, pressing an overexaggerated kiss to his temple and rubbing his cheek on Christopher’s out of control hair. Christopher didn’t seem to worry about the affection and held Buck back just as tight, and when Buck pulled away, Christopher held Buck’s face in his hands and leaned up enough to kiss his forehead firmly.

“You’re a good kid, Chris. You know that?” Buck asked, brushing his curly hair back from his forehead only for it to spring forward anyway.

“Yeah, I know. You’re my best friend. You and my daddy,” Christopher said simply as if those words weren’t everything Buck had ever hoped to hear. He couldn’t imagine ever saying those words about his own father, let alone to his own father and something about Chris admitting them so freely had his breath catching in his throat. He was rendered speechless and Buck was grateful when Eddie leaned into their space and kissed Christopher’s other temple gently before pulling the sheets over his chest.

“Love you, Christopher. Thank you for being such a good boy today and every day,” Eddie said as he stood.

“Love you more and I love you, Buck,” Christopher said easily as his eyes closed - as if it was the last thing he needed to make sure his dad and Buck knew before he fell into sleep.

“I love you, too, Chris, so much,” Buck answered as Eddie pulled him from the bedroom.

He felt like he could cry. He wasn’t sure if the tears that welled in his eyes were from Christopher’s words or from the impending doom that would be his own family’s gathering or even from exhaustion brought on by literally every single thing in his life. All he knew was that Eddie pulled him down the hallway and into the living room and when he was drawn into his best friend’s warm embrace, the dam inside of him cracked more than he wanted it to.

“Buck, what’s going on, man? I haven’t seen you like this since--” Buck was glad Eddie didn’t finish. There’d been way too many times that he had broken down in front of Eddie since they had met and he didn’t need a reminder of how weak he was, especially when he was sure he would get one from his parents soon enough. “Talk to me. You came here for a reason so you have to let me in, okay?” Eddie’s voice was on the edge of panic as he urged Buck to sit on the couch.

“Is it hard to be a parent?” Buck asked hastily. Eddie seemed to consider his question for a moment, but Buck didn’t like the way it sounded and backtracked, “Wait, that’s not--”

“You mean, why was it so hard for your parents to be good parents?” Eddie responded and Buck’s jaw dropped. Before he could ask how Eddie knew what he meant, he shrugged and explained, “You’ve been off since Maddie told you your parents were going to visit and she gave me the heads up that there’s history there I might not know.”

“Dammit, Maddie,” Buck cursed under his breath. Eddie let out a small laugh and rested a hand on Buck’s thigh, the small touch immediately sending a sense of calmness through Buck he couldn’t try to solve.

“She cares about you. I care about you. So will you let me answer your first question?” Buck nodded and Eddie took a preparing breath. “Being a parent is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m a veteran and a firefighter. But it’s also the easiest thing I’ve ever done because my life wouldn’t be the same without Christopher. It wouldn’t be nearly as exciting or worth living without him and I think you’d agree with me.”

“He’s the best kid I’ve ever met,” Buck said without thought because it was true. “He’s so easy to take care of and he listens more often than not and he’s got a sense of humor that won’t quit. He’s--”

“He’s a nine year old with Cerebral Palsy, a dead mother, and a single father that works 24-hour shifts on a weekly basis. He’s an incredible kid, don’t get me wrong, but he’s got more problems than you ever did.” Buck winced, but he couldn’t argue with that. Buck had it easy as a child and he shouldn’t be complaining just because his parents neglected his emotional needs a little.

“Yeah, I know I’m just overreacting--”

“Hey, no. Stop that,” Eddie said as Buck made to stand. Eddie pulled him back down and angled his head as if making sure Buck couldn’t look away from his eyes. “Buck, you’re not overreacting. Whatever you feel, whatever you went through as a kid, those emotions and-- and anger that you obviously feel toward your parents is extremely valid.” Buck felt all of the air leave his lungs and his heart jumped into his throat because no one had ever told him he was allowed to be upset.

Maddie had always asked him to give their parents a break, to cut them some slack and be grateful the siblings at least had each other. He tried his hardest to do just that, but there were only so many times his parents could miss his football games or ignore his obvious attempts at scrounging for attention before the resentment for them rose into too much for any kid to handle.

But no one in his life - his sister or other distant relatives, his guidance counselors or teachers, his friend’s parents, all of whom saw how he was impacted - had ever told him it was okay to feel angry or that it was okay to expect more from the people who raised him.

“My parents, they--” Buck choked on tears that he tried so hard to hold back. The only calmness around him came from Eddie’s hand rubbing soothing circles on his back and his other resting gently on Buck’s thigh. He didn’t have time to be embarrassed by the intimacy of the touches or to think too much about what they might have meant as he continued, “They never saw me. It was like I didn’t even exist to them. Like-- Like I was just some sort of accident they couldn’t rewind time to fix. I was so alone in the world besides Maddie, but even then, she found Doug and left me as soon as she could. It was like every person I met didn’t care if I disappeared and everyone else disappeared even though I cared.”

Eddie hummed in what sounded like understanding before asking, “Have your parents ever offered you an explanation?”

“Yeah, right,” Buck said sharply. He softened his tone when he realized Eddie’s hand had stopped moving on his back and glanced back up at his friend with a sad smile on his face. “It was always my fault. I was too reckless, too wild, too hard to handle, too exhausting . It made me easy to give up on.” Eddie opened his mouth as if to apologize or argue against Buck’s words but Buck shook his head and rested his hand on top of Eddie’s where his fingertips started to dig into his thigh.

“You don’t give up on your kids,” Eddie said simply. His eyebrows furrowed, his nose flared and he pressed his lips together so tightly, the skin around them started to pale. Buck could see the frustration rising in him and tried to smile to lighten the mood but it wasn’t enough. “No, you-- Kids are so hard to raise, but a parent has to be there for them before they decide to give up, and even then! I would never give up on Christopher and you have no idea many people have told me I have or even should .”

“Excuse me?” Buck interrupted, his own anger bubbling inside at the insinuation that Christopher wasn’t worth the entire world.

“That shouldn’t be surprising, Buck. Like I said, he’s got a disability that inhibits his quality of life - even if he or either of us doesn’t see it that way - and he’s gone through more trauma than any kid should ever have to handle at his age. It would make sense for me to send him off to a boarding school for kids with special needs or to live with his grandparents who are way more equipped to handle him than I am,” Eddie explained. Buck had a hard time processing what he was hearing because Eddie would never do that to Christopher, there was no way.

“Have you thought about that?” Buck asked, his eyes searching Eddie’s for the truth.

Eddie sighed and nodded. “Yeah, of course I have,” he admitted with shame resonating in his voice. “There are nights where I just want to-- I don’t know, lock myself in my room and forget that I have this responsibility or days where I just wish I could catch a freaking break.”

For the first time since Buck had known Eddie, he felt anger towards his best friend. He thought of Christopher; who told Buck he was his best friend, who reminded him that everything was going to be okay, and told him he was good, and couldn’t possibly imagine ever wanting that to disappear. He thought that if Christopher was his kid, he would have never considered those alternatives.

Then he looked back at the last few years he had known the family and realized there had been plenty of opportunities for Eddie to do even more than consider. He could have sent Christopher to one of the schools Carla had found during their search that required boarding or even let Christopher go home with his grandparents when they begged Eddie to move back to Texas. Eddie could have ‘made his life easier’ if that’s what he wanted, but he chose not to.

“So,” Buck began, gripping Eddie’s hand tight in his as if grasping onto comfort and hoping it never went away, “what did you do instead?”

“I loved him anyway. Through everything - the hard times, the fun times, the times where I wanted to pull my hair out or put him in timeout and never let him out - I just… love him anyway.”

_____________

The dinner was going about half as bad as Buck had figured it would be. He had to resist the urge to check the watch on his wrist every few minutes, knowing that if he stayed too late, he might not be able to find himself over at Eddie’s again when he needed it. He had texted Eddie as he paced outside his sister’s house and asked that Eddie message him at exactly eight on the dot so he could have an excuse to leave. He realized pretty quickly after the dinner had begun that he was going to need his best friend. First, it was the comment about his ‘dangerous’ career and then Buck was reminded of the number of hospital stays he endured without his parents sending so much as a card.

Then they brought out the box of memories of Maddie that they kept for her entire childhood only to be eerily silent when his was nowhere to be found. Chimney tried to ease the tension that hazed the room, but there was nothing that could be done. Buck stared down at his still full plate - he had lost his appetite almost immediately - to try and ignore the conversation around him but he couldn’t.

Not when it became increasingly clear that his parents had every opportunity to choose to love him and they just… didn’t.

It was one snipe at Maddie or Chim and then back to Buck after another and he couldn’t find it in himself to sit there a second longer keeping his mouth shut as he had been forced to the entirety of his young life. When his mother made yet another comment about Doug full well knowing how uncomfortable Maddie - and subsequently, Chim - were at the topic, Buck couldn’t stay calm anymore.

“You never gave up hope?” Buck asked, the venom on his tongue paralyzing everyone around the table. Maddie begged him to stop, the plea clear in her voice and her eyes because she just wanted the night to go smoothly, but Buck refused. “United front, remember?”

Buck barely registered the excuses that spilled from his parent’s mouths; that they never gave up hope for Maddie or that they didn’t know Doug was hurting her. Buck reminded them that while, in their twisted minds, they never gave up hope, they gave up on Maddie. They didn’t help her when she was being beaten to a pulp almost every single night or bother to prove they were there for her, for either of them. Buck was so focused on Maddie, he forgot that they had neglected him, too.

“Actually, you know what? Maybe it does track, because you barely knew what was going on with your own kids when we were under the same roof. Maybe you never gave up hope,” Buck took a deep breath to try and push back the shakiness in his voice so his words might stick, “but you sure as hell gave up on her. You gave up on both of us.”

Buck pushed out of his chair, ignoring the pained eyes of his parents and the sympathetic gazes from Chimney and Maddie. He knew he should just leave, get out of there before he said something he was really going to regret, but his therapist had warned him again continuing to avoid confrontation with the people he cared about so he carried on, holding his arms up and out as if they were shields and turned back toward his parents.

“Oh, and, uh, and you wanna know why I'm really in therapy? It is because I have spent my entire life feeling like a constant disappointment. And you wanna talk about our jobs? You think my job is dangerous?” A ghost of a laugh settled somewhere in his chest. “I have walked through fire every single day of my life because of you!” Buck spat, his throat burning with emotion, his voice like gravel with anger and resentment. “ That is why I am in therapy. Because nothing I ever did was good enough!”

“We tried, but you always…” His dad began and there it was again; that blame that Buck held onto ever since he was a kid and that he carried with him into adulthood.

“You never made it easy on us!” His mom interrupted with tears falling down her cheeks. Because somehow, even after everything he had said, everything was still Buck’s fault. He was never going to get through to them that maybe - just maybe - they were what was wrong. “Either one of you.”

“We were supposed to? We were kids,” Maddie chimed in, her voice breaking with every word. Buck wanted to comfort her but when he glanced over, he realized Chimney had his arm wrapped around her, protecting her from the arguing and the emotion that fogged over them. He was momentarily grateful because for once, he didn’t have to worry about anyone besides himself. Something tugged inside of Buck because there was no one to protect him because the people who were supposed to do just that were looking up at him like they never wanted to see him again.

“Evan, I don't know what you expected us to do!” His mother cried and Eddie’s voice was so clear in his mind.

‘What did you do instead?’ ‘I loved him anyway.’

Buck relented. He was done with the fighting, finished with the way his heart constricted in his chest like the rope his parents tied around it when he was a child was about to slice it in two. He didn't want to feel alone anymore and he was reminded that he was far from it when his phone went off in his pocket. The small vibration that only he could feel resonated through his entire body and soul because with one glance at the clock, he knew the message would belong to Eddie. Even when he felt like he was all alone, Eddie reminded him that wasn’t the case and, without even knowing, pushed Buck into saying exactly what his parents needed to hear.

“Love me anyway.”