#HOLY SHIT YEEEEEEEEES | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

hitchell-mope · 1 year ago

Text

(Third film. After “defying gravity”. Mal’s Id looks worried and is anxiously looking up at the sky when he notices the audience)

Id: oh. Hello. You’re back. Um. So yeah. The, uh, trip-quad-tych didn’t really work out. I uh. I need to find Mal. Outside the barrier. And um.

Ben’s Ego: it’s alright. I’ll take over. You look for Mal. It’ll fine. I promise.

Id: thank you

(He disappears in a puff of green smoke. Ego turns to the audience)

Ego: hello everyone. I’m Ben’s Ego. And I’ll be taking over the narration for the time being. Which means that the quadtych is back on. So without further ado. I present to you. The Aftermath

(The screen fades into royal blue smoke and reforms onto Dizzy and Celia trying to escape from Arendelle Palace)

Celia: read?

Dizzy: yeah

Celia: let’s go

(This is when “just a kid” happens. After the song.)

Celia: 🎶oh Anna. Kristoff🎶. Ya got visitors

Anna: ooooh. Who is it-holy shit. Kristoff you take her arms. I’ll take her legs

Celia: so what happened to make her pass out?

Ned: she saw Harry Hook get killed.

Celia: YEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!!!!

Squeaky: YAAAAY!!!! UMA’S HERE!!!! Where’s Harry?

Dizzy: care to utter another “whoop”?

Celia: oh damn.

(In the sitting room)

Kristoff: how’d we wake her up?

Anna: I have smelling salts. The good kind. Not the road grit that Olaf smokes because he likes how it makes him feel floaty.

Celia: those won’t work your maj.

Anna: then what will?

Celia: this

(She slaps Uma around the face with all her might)

Uma (bolting awake): SHISH-KABOB TUNA!!!! What happened?

Celia (pulling Ned down to her level): can I tell? Oh please can I tell her?

Ned: no. You’ll enjoy it too much.

Celia: eh. When he’s right, he’s right.

Ned: Captain Facillier. There was an accident on the RLS Legacy.

Uma (ashen faced and near tears): I remember. Oh god it hapoened again!

Celia (her voice full of malice): only this time there’s nothing you can do to save him!

Anna: ok missy. I think it’s time for dinner.

Celia: I’ve seen your cooking so no it isn’t.

Ned: um. Your highnesses. It might be good for Uma if she’s around her peers for the time being.

Anna: okey-dokey. The twins have been begging for spaghetti and meatballs.

Dizzy: don’t blanche the meatballs. The boys are terrified of snow.

(Anna gives her a withering look)

Dizzy: sorry. Couldn’t resist.

Uma: why does this keep happening to me? Every time I think things are okay. It all goes to hell.

Celia: I’ve got an answer. The universe hates you.

Ned: Celia c’mon.

Celia: well it’s true. I mean. Think about it. Mal’s magic is more powerful than Uma’s. She can turn into a dragon. She’s won the heart of not only The Dashing King. But the hearts of his people as well. And he’s the only who can actually get kids off the island. Whereas Uma has nothing angry. Bad plans. And traumas from spending a year in a grotto with nothing but our mother and a barnaclised pirate for company. And the pirate just got killed in front of her. So yeah. The universe hates her.

Uma: THAT DOES IT!!!!

(She launches herself at Celia who easily flips her off and sends her shadows at her)

Celia: do you really think you’re fooling anyone with that getup? I have shadow magic. You have sea witch. Deal with it. Embrace it. Use it. Or the both of them will kill you.

(She releases Uma from the shadows)

Uma: I hate you!

Celia: I’m okay with that. I’ve got Mal. She actually looked out for me when didn’t.

Uma: only under threat from our father.

Celia: or maybe, just maybe, she’s a good person who isn’t obsessed with a ten year old grudge

Uma: I’m over that.

Celia: are you? Are you really? Because what you just said really would imply otherwise. Let’s just, use the cards, shall we?

Uma: oh god here we go

(Celia splays put the tarot cards. This is when “I’m just a kid” happens. After the song)

Uma: you’re a cow you know they don’t you?

Celia: hm. Yeah. Doesn’t bother me though

(She sits down on the couch and starts scrolling through her phone)

Ned: I’m sure Celia didn’t mean it.

Uma: huh. The hell she didn’t. We’re not like Ben and Gil. We don’t get on. We’re more like Mal and Evie.

Ned: albeit further apart in age.

Uma: true.

Ned: but, um, think of it this way. You’re safe for now. And once you’ve recuperated. Maybe you can, I dunno, rejoin the fight. If you want. Like. Every cloud has a silver lining. Maybe when your heads clearer you can find yours.

Uma: true. True. Very, very true.

(She constructs a wet bar out of thin air)

Uma: could you pour? Only these things hate me.

Ned: um. Sure

Uma: thanks. But you know, there’s a slight flaw in your logic

Ned: yeah? What’s that

(This is when “fuck a silver lining” happens. After the song)

Uma: thanks for the drink.

Celia: yeah. You’ll let people serve you booze. You’ll let them take the blame. But god forbid you let them help you. You’d much rather do everything on your own. Never mind anyone else.

Uma: I am on my own. I’ve always been on my own. It’s always been just me.

Celia: and Gil. And the crew. And Ben. And dad. And me. And Mal. And Carlos. And-

Uma: ENOUGH!!!! YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!! YOU NEVER DID!!!! Leave me alone. Just. Just fuck off. And leave me the fuck alone.

(Uma storms off)

Celia (smiling at Ned): wait right her.

(Her expression darkens and she storms off after Uma. This is when “me against the world” happens. After the song. The hallucination ends just as Ned runs in and pulls Uma’s hands away from Celia)

Celia: you. BITCH!

Uma: wazzit. Whahappened?

Celia: you tried to kill me. Why? Why would you try to kill me? Why?

Uma: you? You weren’t there. It was. It was Ursula.

Celia: what?

Uma: you disappeared and she took your place. She goaded me. I had to kill her. Or she woulda killed me.

Celia: WHAT?!?!

Ned: you hallucinated? Didn’t you?

Celia: she hallucinated? Oh that’s fine. She hallucinated. That makes everything alright. Oh wait. NO IT FUCKING DOESN’T!!!! You need to stop this!

Uma: stop? Stop what?

Celia: THIS! STOP DOING THIS! Stop resorting to violence when you feel trapped or pissed off or impatient.

Uma: I do not do that!

Celia: really? Let’s see now. Kidnapping Ben. Hypnotising Ben. Tying Mal to a tree and trying to burn her alive. Confronting our mother. Trying to seduce Doug. All of this and more all because you couldn’t wait, didn’t want to wait, got mad or misjudged your own abilities. You don’t let the people who want to help you help you. And that is why you lost a year with Harry.

(Uma slaps Celia around the face. To which Celia just laughs)

Celia: we’re finally getting somewhere. You lose Uma. That’s all you ever do. Wait outside and lose. And you keep the goddamn door shut so no one can ever get in. Not to help you. Not to yell at you. Nothing. Not a single damn thing.

Uma: you don’t know me. You don’t know a single damn thing about.

Celia: then tell me.

(This is when “waving through a window” happens. After the song. Ned pulls Celia back and turns her so she faces him)

Ned: was that really necessary?

Celia (Cheshire Cat smile oh her face): yep.

Ned: really?

Celia: yes.

Ned: why?

Celia: because, O Prince, a painful epiphany is the perfect path to punt my prick of a sister out of the funk she’s in.

Ned:....you ran out of P sounds didn’t you?

Celia:....yes. Now let’s go find her. There’s another thing you need to know about

(In one of the guest rooms. Uma’s sitting at the foot of the, breathing heavily and trying desperately to calm herself down)

Celia: 🎶knock knock knock🎶

Uma: go. Away. Celia.

Ned: hey.

Uma: okay. You. You can stay. Just get her out of my face before I kill her.

Celia: oh don’t you want Neddy to know what you did in Halloweentown?

(Uma blanches and rounds on her sister)

Uma: Ned does not need to know that

Celia: why? Because you’ve got a big old crush on him that can be seen from Pluto?

Uma (unconvincingly): n-no. I don’t know what you’re talking about

Celia: oh please. We’re in a fairytale sis. And you’ve met a handsome prince. Do the math

Ned: awwww. Thank you Celia. That was really nice of you.

Celia: eh. You’re handsome to Uma. To me you’ve just got a very symmetrical face.

Ned: still. It’s the first time you’ve said something nice to anyone since this morning. So it counts. 🎶You’re a good person🎶. So HAH!

Celia (chuckling to herself): whatever. Ahem. Anyway. You need to tell him what happened in Halloweentown.

Ned: oh god. What happened in Halloweentown? Did you get hurt?

Uma (reluctantly): not physically. Oh god what the hell. Okay look. When Doug and I went to the ruins of halloweentown to find and collect the Cromwell Gift. I made a....critical error in judgement. Some might say I committed a grievous act of stupidity.

Celia (having enough of Uma’s evasiveness): oh for fucks sake. She tried to seduce Doug even though he’s with Evie. Now was that really so hard?

(Uma just glares at her sister, silently seething)

Ned: ahhhh

Uma: there were. Extenuating factors

Celia: really? Care to expand on that?

Uma: yes. Gladly.

(This is when “one little slip” happens. After the song. Ned turns to Celia)

Ned: go down to dinner.

Celia: what? Why? I’m not hungry.

Ned (his eyes glowing brightest electric teal): go down. To dinner.

Celia: ah. Yes. Okay. Buh bye.

(She disappears in a puff of fuchsia smoke. Ned turns to Uma)

Ned: hey. Um. Can we talk?

Uma: if you want to Rivers. It ain’t my house.

Ned (chuckling): good joke.

Uma: what joke?

Ned: oh. Uh. Nothing.

Uma: ah.

Ned: anyway. Um. Your sister is a bit of a piece of work

Uma: heheh. Yeah.

Ned: I do think she has somewhat of a point

Uma: oh god not you too.

(She walks out to the balcony swiftly followed by Ned)

Ned: now, now, hear me out. I’ve shadowed my dad for years. I know when someone’s worried whether they have isn’t real so they start pushing it away in case in blows up in their face.

Uma (uncertainly): okay....

Ned: it’s not your. God knows it’s not anyone’s fault. You just. Don’t want to be hurt again

Uma: yeah. Probably. I just. I don’t want to screw this up. You know? What Ben’s done for me. I kidnapped him. I hypnotised him. I tried to kill Mal. And he knighted me. Made me his bodyguard. I don’t want to disappoint him. Oh god that sounds pathetic.

Ned: no. No it doesn’t. It sounds human.

Uma: oh Christ that’s even worse.

(Ned chuckles again)

Uma: why do you do that?

Ned: do what?

Uma: laugh when I make those shel loathing comments. If I didn’t know any better I’d think that you like me.

Ned: I do like you. In fact. I like you. In the way that you allegedly like me. Like Ben likes Mal. And Gil likes Lonnie. And Elsa likes chocolate fountains.

Uma (realising what he’s saying): oh.

Ned: can I....can I say something?

Uma (squeaking slightly): mhmm.

(This is when “don’t let go” happens. After the song. Uma let’s go of Ned’s hand)

Uma: I think....I think you should go get something to eat now. It’s been hours. You must be hungry.

Ned (really not wanting to leave Uma but knowing she wants to be alone for now): o-okay

(He teleports away in a puff of teal smoke. Once he’s gone. Uma wrenches a massive chunk stone off of the balcony railing and throws it back into the bedroom where it obliterates a vanity mirror. Uma then screams and collapses to her knees, sobbing her eyes out. In the dining room. Anna’s just noticed Ned taking a gander at the buffet table)

Anna: take whatever you like. There’s plenty to go around. There’s only Elsa, Kristoff and me here usually, but Jacques always cooks for like, 100 armies, so there’s always yacht loads left over.

Ned: thanks.

(He piles his plate high with ziti, roast beef and assorted veg)

Dizzy: you know. There’s an ice cream station too. All chocolate

Anna: yeah....some might say my sister and I have a chocolate. But I prefer to think that we’re innovators.

Kristoff: who have a chocolate addiction

Anna: yep.

Celia: so, uh, how’s your chat with my sister go?

Ned: none of your business.

Celia: she kicked you out didn’t she?

Anna: you know what. I might go up and see if Uma wants anything from the Buffett. It’s getting late. It’s been a long day for her. She must be feeling hungry by now.

Celia: 🎶she’ll kick you out🎶

Anna (jovially): I’m used to having does slammed in my face.

Kristoff: that’s not something to be proud of honey.

Anna (conceding his point): yeah, I know

(She heads up stairs. Ned starts eating but gets distracted by Squeaky and Squirmy doodling on napkins)

Ned: whatcha doing guys?

Squeaky: drawing.

Ned: cars? Food? Intricate landscapes?

Squirmy: grown up stuff.

Ned: like what?

Dizzy: I think that’s an inside out cat.

Celia: nah. Looks more like Popeye to me.

Smee twins: no it’s not

Ned: you’re right boys. It’s a tv isn’t it?

Squeaky: maaaaybe....

Squirmy: I’m drawing trees

Squeaky (adorably outraged): you aren’t supposed to tell him!!!!

Squirmy: 🎶sorry🎶

Squeaky: that’s okay.

Dizzy: ohhhh. You’re drawing what you wanna do when you grow up

Smee twins: YAAAAY!!!! YOU GOT IT!!!!

Dizzy: do I get a prize?

Squeaky: no.

Dizzy: oh man.

Ned: you two got plans for when you get older?

Celia: eh. Bits and pieces.

Dizzy: mostly lazing around

Ned: of course.

Squeaky: wanna hear it?

Ned: go for it kiddo.

(This is when “when I grow up” happens. After the song. Uma still doesn’t look at Anna)

Uma: it’s not that I don’t appreciate the whole “concerned adult” routine and everting. But I’m really not in the mood for a pep talk right now

Anna: sorry. Buffets open 24/7 if you want something to eat. Just thought you should know.

(Anna gets up to leave but Uma stops her)

Uma: did you ever make a mistake that you wish had never happened?

Anna: mhmm

Uma: what was it?

Anna: years ago. I got engaged

Uma: Hans Westerguard. I know that He bragged about to anyone in his line of sight.

Anna: oh jeez. Anyway. It’s not the engagement itself that I regret, per se, although that was pretty damn stupid of me, it’s what I did to my sister afterwards. I shouldn’t have pushed to talk to me when she wasn’t ready. And I shouldn’t have assumed she was in control of the class three kill storm that followed.

Uma: oh. But it worked out in the end right?

Anna: if it hadn’t then I wouldn’t be here right now then would I?

Uma: good point

Anna: I know you’re probably sick of hearing this so I’ll try to be diplomatic about it. You’re upset about you boyfriend aren’t you?

Uma:....yeah....except he uh. Wasn’t. My boyfriend. Just my first mate.

Anna: ohhhh. But he liked you yeah?

Uma: that is the common belief among everyone yeah

Anna: and you liked him?

Uma: mhmm. Yeah.

Anna: aaaannnndddd you never told him that did you....?

(Uma shakes her head sadly)

Anna: I see. You know. Sometimes. It takes disappointment to realise what you really want. Comprende?

Uma: heh?

Anna: oh. Um. Do you understand what I’m saying?

Uma: ohhhh. Yeah. Mhmm. Yeah.

Anna: sorry for going all Mom on you by the way. My sons in college and my daughters with her cousin in the Congo Basin. I’ve got all this pent up “momisms” I need to get out.

Uma: the snowlem is in the Congo?

Anna: he has his own personal flurry. It keeps him alive.

Uma: makes complete sense(.)

Anna: don’t it just?

Uma: yeah(.)

Anna: anyway. What you’re feeling isn’t bad. You just gotta, I dunno, remember the good as well as the bad

Uma: how? There wasn’t much good. Our last real conversation was months ago when I called him a liar after he told me Hades was his mother.

Anna: hades is his mother-oh yeah. Gods are fluid. I always forget that part. Anyway. There’s gotta be some good parts. But there’s gotta be bad parts as well. It’s how me work works. If you remember him. He’s not really gone.

Uma: but he is gone. How can you make the memory of someone last when they’re gone?

Anna: that. Is an excellent question. Let’s see now....

(This is when “how does a memory last forever” happens. After the song. Anna looks at Uma sympathetically)

Anna: I really hope that answered your question. And I am so sorry if it didn’t. But that was rhetorical best way I could answer it.

Uma: is it true about memories? What you said about memories? That you need bad and good in equal measure?

Anna: I always thought so, yes.

Uma: what if you don’t have any good memories?

Anna: what makes you say that?

Uma: every time something good happens to me, especially in the last few months, something happens, or I do something ridiculously stupid, and it’s ruined.

Anna: oh now that can’t be true

Uma: it is. It really is....whoever you are.

Anna: oh. Anna. My names Anna. Anna Bjorgman. Third in line for the throne of Arendelle.

Uma: third? Behind who?

Anna: Olaf and Mal.

Uma: Mal’s behind the snowlem?

Anna (cheerfully): mhmm

Uma: Jesus Christ

Anna: well. My family name is Bernson. But I took Kristoff’s name when we got married. It just felt right, you know?

Uma: no....

Anna: oh. Moving swiftly onward. What makes you think you’ve not got any good memories? Everybody has some.

Uma (getting off of the bed): yeah, well, not me. I don’t think nature or destiny or fate or whatever runs this shit sphere wants me to have good memories

Anna: I don’t believe that Uma. I don’t believe that for a second.

Uma: why not? We can’t all be like you. Get your memories safely taken by your in laws and given back at a later date.

Anna: it wasn’t that simple Uma.

Uma: oh? Not simple? I’ll tell you what’s not simple. Trying your damndest to get out of a horrible situation you’re in but misjudge so completely that you make everything worse for yourself and your friends. Being forgiven for essentially committing treason twice by who is possibly the most big hearted king in the universe then betraying him by trying to burn his fiancé alive because you were stupid enough to believe a doctored recording. Still getting forgiven and then being knighted. But you try to seduce the kings best friend. Who is also your immediate boss. Watching the one boy who was with you throughout everything be murdered in front of you but you can’t do anything because his father had you bolted to the ships wheel. Does that sound simple to you Mrs Bjorgman? Does any of that sound SIMPLE TO YOU?!?!

Anna: now that you mention it, no. But there’s gotta be some good in between all of that. I mean think about it. You’ve got a new home. Your the left hand of the king. It’s not all bad

Uma: new home. Hah. It’s not my home. Not like it’s Mal’s new home at least. I’m just a girl from the island Anna. I mean. By all means, you can go visit Auradon if you want to, Mal’s your niece, I can’t stop you. But don’t expect me to give you a guided. It’s not my home. I don’t have one.

Anna: oh, now I know that’s not true.

Uma: yes! Yes it is.

(This is when “beautiful ghosts” happens. After the song. Uma catches sight of someone at the balcony door)

Uma: oh my god.

Anna: what is it? What’s wrong.

Uma: you need to go

Anna: what? Why?

Uma: NOW!

Anna: right. Sorry. Bye!

(She hurries out of the room. Once she’s gone. Uma shuts and bolts the door with magic then turns to the figure)

Uma: what are you doing here? And why are you dressed like THAT?!?!

(The figure is Ned. Only. It’s not Ned. His dreadlocks are loose around his head and he’s wearing nothing but a Atlantean teal loincloth leaving the rest of him completely naked)

Ned: give it a minute. You’ll understand

Gil (stepping out from behind Ned, with cruelty in his voice): oh but she won’t though. She never does.

Uma (stepping back in horror as she realises): OH MY GOD!!!!

Gil: aw. You remember me. That’s nice

Ned: be kind.

Gil: why? She doesn’t have time for kindness. Her cousin is missing. That is the goal. Not her grief. Not her pain. She doesn’t matter. She never did.

Ned: silence.

Gil: we’re the same person. You prick. Just cause you say something doesn’t make it happen

Uma: okay. What the fuck is happening? And why are you dressed like that Ned?

Ned: I’m sorry. I should’ve explained. You see-

Gil: he wants you to be happy. I want you to get the job done. Even if it kills you.

Uma: you’re my Superego. Aren’t you?

Gil: congratulations(.) You’ve just won the solid gold kewpie doll(.)

Uma: then that means. You’re my Id. Right?

Ned: mhmm.

Uma: there’s one missing. Also. Why can’t you all be Ned? Ben and Mal get Mal and Ben. Why do I get Atlantean Tarzan and an erudite Legume that lives up to his fanes name in brutality?

Gil (smiling widely): and a dead pirate.

Ned: I was getting to that.

Gil: well you were taking too damn long. Say hello to the vegetable.

(Harry appears out of thin air. Only it’s not Harry. He’s dressed too tidily. He’s deathly pale. And his mouth is sewn shut)

Uma: what happened to him?

Gil: he. Is. Fading. Your connection to the pirate bastard was severed months ago. And then he died. So now your Ego, as well as being severely bruised, pardon the pun, is going to fade. To be replaced with either a nicer version of moi. Or a more conservatively dressed version of him

(He points to Ned)

Uma: how do I. What do I do?

Ned: let him go. Forgive yourself. And let him go.

Uma: I don’t know how.

Gil: for fucks sake. She has to have her hand held through fucking everything.

Ned: it’s okay. We can talk you through it.

(This is when “how to save a life” happens. After the song. Uma walks into the dining room)

Uma: my Id’s changed

Anna: oh? To who?

Uma (side eyeing Ned): um....n. Nobody of importance.

Anna (knowing EXACTLY who Uma’s talking about): ahhhh. How about us girls and, I dunno, talks?

Celia: nah. I’m good.

Anna (MomTM avoided activated): Celia. Please.

Celia: ugh. Fine.

(Once at the door to Anna’s parlour)

Anna: okay. Now. I have. A little. Um. Surprise for you Uma.

Uma: surprise how?

Anna: uhhhh. Familial.

Uma: familial?

Celia: oh for gods sake.

(She opens the door and walks right through)

Melody: hey dress thief.

Uma:....I’m outta here.

Anna: nonononono. Girl talk time.

Uma: I don’t do girl talk.

Anna: alright then. Family time.

Uma: we’re not family.

Melody: except we are though.

Uma: what?

Melody: my mother is your cousin. Your first cousin.

Ariel: it’s true Uma. My father was your mothers sister

Uma: what? No....

Ariel: it’s tr-

Celia: you know what? I’m just gonna speed us forward cause this could take a long time

(One quick fast forward later)

Ariel: so tell us about your new Id then.

Uma: it’s um. Ned Thatch.

Ariel: awwww. You’re in love

(Uma bursts out laughing)

Ariel: what did I say?

Celia: you expected her to accept her feelings right off the bat.

Ariel: ah.

Anna: right.

Melody: oh lord.

Uma: Harry’s gone. I have too much on my plate right now. I just. Don’t see why part of my subconscious chose to take his form.

Anna: I’m my sister’s Ego. She’s her own Id and Superego.

Celia: Ben is all three for Mal. You’ve sen them. You gotta admit. It makes sense.

Uma: I am not in love with Ned Thatch. I always get it wrong anyway.

Ariel: oh now honey. That can’t be true.

Uma: ooooh but it is. Nothing happened with Harry. I got it completely wrong with Doug. So it stands to reason that I am wrong this time as well.

(This is when “I won’t say I’m in love” happens)

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

0 notes