#Grima gets what's coming to him

[torchwood-99]

Grima has come to Gondor. He and Éowyn both must meet a reckoning.

[physalian]

Your colloquialisms are ruining the immersion (or, non-contemporary dialogue)

I am no expert here! Whenever I wrote historical fiction it was anachronistic historical fiction. This advice is from a reader’s perspective and from my experience writing high fantasy.

So what’s the deal with immersive dialogue? I’m going to ignore writing dialects and accents and so-called “old English” with the thee, thy, thou and such. Solely focusing here on the narrative telling me this isn’t set in present times, and yet the dialogue being painfully colloquial like present times.

This is coming from a book I had to read set in HRE times. In it, characters were spouting modern curse words, tacking on verbal tics and crutch words like “or something” and “um” and drawing out words like “daaaamn” and “nooooo”. Rip out the dialogue and toss it in a script with zero context and it would read like two high schoolers from 2009, not two adults from the Holy Roman Empire. Which is a problem, because it completely shattered the immersion. —

1. On so-called “formal writing”

Everybody knows that nixing contractions doesn’t do a damn thing to help your writing look more “formal”, it just looks robotic and stiff, right? We’ve gotten past this as a society? There’s a time and a place for replacing contractions with the full words, but not for every single sentence.

I swear this show keeps creeping into my writing advice but here we go. Transformers Prime. The context for Optimus’ dialogue has a lot to do with his aging voice actor, Peter Cullen, and the perception of the character over the decades from the corny 80s paragon hero everyman type leader to the grizzled and wizened old soul type leader. Optimus isn’t “one of the guys,” he’s old. Very old. He’s the dad of the group (one dad, his grumpy medic is the other dad).

So he gets lines like:

“I fear Megatron’s ambition is at its zenith.”

“But if his return is imminent as I fear, it could be a catastrophic.”

“I bore Skyquake no ill-will.”

He doesn’t curse like the other Autobots. His voice only raises in surprise, horror, or rage. He doesn’t go “um/ah/so/but/eh” and always thinks about what he’s going to say well before he says it. Despite him, Ratchet (the dad medic), and Megatron all being very old, Optimus is the only one who’s “proper” and collected and dignified with his lines. The writers didn’t achieve this simply by omitting contractions, he gets them where necessary and removes them when effective (e.g “We do not.” / “We don’t.”)

2. Thesaurus Rex

Continuing with the Optimus example, no other character in that show would use “zenith” unironically. Or “ill-will”. This doesn’t mean crack open and abuse a thesaurus but there’s a huge divide between:

“Megatron’s gone crazy and he’s going to implode soon” and “Megatron’s ambition is at its zenith”.

I can’ think of a better word to use than dignified, perhaps distinguished to describe his dialogue.

He doesn’t say “what?” when he’s confused, he pauses and says something like “please elaborate”.

This is both word choice and a syntax issue so if you’re struggling to fit a non-contemporary vibe for your work, pay attention to both.

3. When to abstain from cursing

There’s something very special about the dialogue in the Lord of the Rings movies: It’s PG-13 so they can’t curse, but if they had, it would have probably ruined the trilogy. These characters are able to yell in rage and anguish, spit vicious insults at their enemies, and stare down armies that are determined to kill them, all while never breaking the immersion.

Insults like:

“Late is the hour in which this conjurer chooses to appear.”

“Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth, you witless worm.”

“Your words are poison.”

And all three were said by or about Grima Wormtongue.

Characters aren’t dumbasses, they’re fools, with the exception of Gollum’s insults toward Sam, the “stupid, fat hobbit”.

Even devoid of name-calling, Denethor absolutely trounces his second son by asking (and I’m paraphrasing) “Is there any man here willing to do his lord’s bidding?” right after Faramir expresses some apprehension about a suicide charge with his remaining soldiers, completely ignoring him and implying that he’s not a real man.

LOTR is full of juicy lines beyond curse words, too. One of my absolute favorites is: “Dark have been my dreams of late” as opposed to “I’ve been having nightmares lately.”

Do you see?? It’s poetry. The motif of Shadow and Darkness as if they’re real, physical things, all the lines of poetry pulled straight from the books like Theoden’s “where is the horse and the rider” monologue just before Helm’s Deep.

It’s dignified.

—

This one was a bit harder to, ironically, put into words without doing a full-blown case study into either franchise’s ability to write dialogue and monologues. I didn’t even talk about Ratchet’s several monologues (one of which was done perfectly in the sound booth on the first take) because Jeffrey Combs has a voice like ambrosia.

TLDR: Immersion goes far beyond your vivid setting descriptors and the clothing or the names and languages. I mostly write fantasy and sci-fi and whenever I read or watch fantasy and sci-fi that isn’t meant to be a world different from our own, or about characters who don’t speak modern English, and they go off with modern slang, syntax, and verbal tics, it just feels sloppy and weak. Pay attention to the following:

Syntax

Modern slang and jargon

Filler words/verbal tics

Curse words/curses

Flat, unmotivated vocab

*All of the quotes were from memory because I watch both of these franchises way too often. So apologies if I got any wrong.

[mediocretosubpar-soup]

Something that keeps spinning in my head is the idea of Jiang Cheng joining a nighthunt with Jin Ling, the other juniors as well as Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji (maybe even Wen Ning). What happens is that Jiang Cheng gets hurt, not fatally but enough that having a healer look at it would be the smart move. But Jiang Cheng hides the injury. No one but Jin Ling clocks that there's something wrong with him. He got hit and fought through the pain, so nobody realized that he was injured. After the hunt, the group stays at the same inn. The juniors want to celebrate and Wei Wuxian isn't going to miss on an opportunity to drink and have fun. Jin Ling comes down to dinner and says that Jiang Cheng won't join. He makes a sort of downtrodden face which everyone interprets as him getting a scolding or something from Jiang Cheng. In truth, Jin Ling is worried about his uncle. Wei Wuxian who was and wasn't looking forward to having dinner with Jiang Cheng attempts to cheer Jin Ling up. Saying things like 'Jiang Cheng probably just wants attention, he's always withdrawn to sulk'. When Jin Ling goes to check on Jiang Cheng, Wei Wuxian tells him that he should be enjoying himself instead of indulging the childishness of a grown man.(Is that too harsh?) Jin Ling laughs and says he'll be back soon.

The next day, some Jiang disciples arrive among them someone who Wei Wuxian can identify as a healer, the others can't. Before Wei Wuxian can announce this to the group who is speculating about the Jiang group's arrival, Jin Ling asks him for a word. Which is good because Wei Wuxian also wants words.

Scene: "How could you not tell me that Jiang Cheng's been injured?" Wei Wuxian asks loudly. Jin Ling grimaes and slaps a silencing talisman on the door. What the hell?

Jin Ling glares at him. "Shout more loudly, I'm sure Nie Huaisang in Qinghe didn't hear."

"Jin Ling, you act like ...don't you trust your friends?" Wei Wuxian's chest region stings, he thought, well, it doesn't matter what presumptuous thoughts he had. His crimes cannot be recompensated.

Jin Ling rolls his eyes, "Don't be stupid. Of course, I trust you guys...," he pauses, "...but not with jiujiu."

"That makes no sense." Wei Wuxian says.

Jin Ling snorts as if Wei Wuxian is playing dumb. "Come on, none of you like jiujiu. Ouyang Zhizhen is more neutral but Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui, they believe every bad thing, they've ever heard of him. And half the time, you can't shut up about how he's the worst, not to speak of the hiding behind Hangguang-jun whenever you meet, as if you still believe he wants to hurt you." Jin Ling looks quizzically at Wei Wuxian. "I hope, I don't have to point out Hangguang-jun's or the Ghost General's regard for my jiujiu." Wei Wuxian takes a moment to gather his wits. "Hangguang-jun is honorable, he wouldn't let an ally bleed to death." "Jiujiu wasn't in any danger of bleeding to death, don't be dramatic. If it was that serious, I would speak up." Jin Ling says with some exasperation. "It wasn't anything worth owing a favor to another sect." Wei Wuxian sighs. "That's what Jiang Cheng's teaching you? That everything comes down to debts and repayment? No wonder you struggled to make friends as a child." "You're not his friends, though." Jin Ling replies.

[madockisser]

thought dump on new tfota book:

i think the reason that there’s going to be another jurdan book (supposedly) is mostly because Jude and cardan both have very unfinished stories.

you know that deleted scene at the end of qon where Jude and cardan are all sweet laying on the grass together? it was cut for a reason, and replaced w the epilogue in the mortal world.

In that epilogue, Jude herself hopes in her head that cardan won’t lash out at any humans. i always hated that part in her monologue, because it shows that Jude still doesn’t even really know the man before her.

it’s bittersweet that in their time outside of the series after qon, that maybe Jude learned why cardan wouldn’t lash out at humans. or maybe she’s yet to learn it in the new book.

but while i feel like there’s potential for them to do more, not just politically but with their relationship, some things are better left unsaid.

also, i don’t see the series being very romantically focused on Jurdan, only because miss black hasn’t really done that when it comes to her folk of the air series before. it’ll def be more politically driven.

i dreaded the publishing of the stolen heir and the prisoners throne because i worried that it would ruin Jude and cardan for me, and while that wasn’t the case, i still found myself unsatisfied with their story and how the entire family doesn’t really know each other.

don’t get me wrong, i do love family drama, but at the same time, Jude and cardan and oak and vivienne and Taryn have all endured so much trauma, I’d die for them to just be happy.

i assume the political problem will be the one i vaguely remember from the prisoners throne, the croin guy who hates orlagh and nicasia (can we blame him) and his evil sea buddies who attacked that ship oak and suren were on

Anyway i def think madocs dying in the next books, since it’s undersea based, and he had the queen of the undersea shot and whatnot, and while the ghost payed the price for that (sorta but not intentionally) i still think madoc is kicking the bucket.

Someone important is gonna die and i dread it.

on a lighter note, i really wish that miss black would pick up some of her older characters, not just for cameos. (Not gonna happen but i can HOPE)

i want to see Ben and severin, corny and Luis, Kaye and roiben, Val and ravus and their cute little troll babies. i want more info on the greenbriar line, on Val moren, on Locke even, his parents, on Jude’s parents, oriana, grima mog, anyone.

I’d especially like to see oriana and madoc finally have a relationship that isn’t based on obligation, one where there isn’t cute little Oakey pokey to take care of now that he’s grown. especially if it’s like scraps, like random interactions they have from someone else’s pov (idk i just think that’s so cute)

Lastly, all the hate im seeing abt jurdan potentially being the main focus for the next book is halfway understandable but also pretty sucky, as if oak and suren didn’t have their own duology after tcp trilogy. i can understand ofc not wanting them to be the main focus but slandering miss black over it is just rude, let her lock in and create another beautifully written fantasy world with complex characters.

also we know pretty much nothing. what the author said doesn’t even automatically confirm it’s going to be a jurdan book, but conclusions have already been jumped to and half the fandom is super excited and the other half hates the thought of jurdan getting another story.

edit for whoever sent that ask: of course it’s fine to not want them to be the center of the book! i agree, but yknow what they say: “you get what you get and you don’t get upset!” so maybe let’s not say mean things abt the author because that’s not very nice, if you’re gonna criticize, criticize the work and not the creator?

anyway idk i have 0 motivation to post anything decent hence why i haven’t posted an analysis in about 162948392 years only because I’m basing it on my reread and that’s going super poorly bc I’m taking a torturous precalc class

[emmanuellececchi]

LOTR and Hobbit characters and cats -

Absurd headcanon

Warning : this is not serious. this was made out of whim, late at night. not editing done. Just for fun. And not all of them are funny anyway. You've been warned! - Feel free to add characters and headcanon. I forgot a few : Haldir, Hama, Theoden, Saruman, Treebeard and so on. I hope you will all have fun and play with this! (OC welcome - thinking of my moots with awesome OC).

Cirdan The cats roam freely in the Grey Haven as if they owned the place. Cirdan find them amusing and charming when he gets to pet them. Of course, what he does not know is that they tolerate him because he’s a great fisherman. And a good back scratcher.

Galadriel While there are not many felines in the Golden Forest, each time she is somewhere where there’s one (or two, or three) the cats are drawn to her and vice-versa. As a matter of fact, the cats consider her to be one of their kind. She does not correct them.

Celeborn There is no cat in Lothlorien. On the other hand, when there are cats, he has to tolerate them for Galadriel’s sake. Although, the truth is that they tolerate him because Galadriel shares her bed with him.

Elrond Rivendell had been free of felines for a while. Then, and he never found out how, they began to suddenly appear all around. Mostly around supper. They’re discreet and great pest hunters which he appreciate for his books sake. Although he would never admit it, he kind of like when they come and sleep in his lap while he sips his tea.

Aragorn learned to admire and respect cats as they can survive pretty much everywhere. As king, admits that cats are useful. But he does not like to share their bed with one of them, even Arwen’s pet. On the other hand, he relishes when the pet come in his lap to nap while he is smoking his pipe.

Arwen Since in Minas Tirith, she has adopted a few. Arwen is terribly jealous of their affection. She does not like when she finds out they nap on Aragorn’s lap, pretexting they smell like smoke. Aragorn only smiles which infuriates her.

Imrahil Cats hunt pests in stable, in kitchen, protect grain. He will tolerates cats. But they belong outside. On the other hand, he is actively ignoring the ginger fur transgression living in Lothiriel’s room. Relieved she left with it.

Lothiriel Positively delighted to realize cats prefer her lap to Arwen’s. Brings her pet with her in Rohan. Finds hilarious that Eomer is taking personally its presence in the bed and is jealous of the poor thing.

Eomer Blasted animals. Should stay in the barn and stable to hunt rats and mouse. Not in a bed. And certainly not between him and his queen when he wants privacy. Eomer is convinced the thing is plotting his demise. Always trying to steal his side of the bed.

Eowyn Cats were great listener when she was young. Once, one of them clawed Grima. She was delighted to see her little hero flee alive. Since in Ithilien, she has begun feeding the strays. She considers a high honor if one of them chooses to nap at her side.

Faramir Admires their independent spirit and intelligence. Consider them like a good blade: useful and dangerous. Will never admit he is a bit afraid of them. But if Eowyn loves them, he will say nothing. He is just relieved she does not bring them in.

Denethor Never could stand the little buggers. Tolerated them when his wife was alive but that was the best he could do. While he recognizes their usefulness he is terribly allergic to them.

Boromir Does not seem to care about the furry things. Until he is home. Where an old stray is waiting for him. Gave him food and a warm place to stay. Melted the first time the old cat came to sleep with him. Will never admit the cat makes him happy.

Gandalf Keeps a safe distance between him and them. They tend to appear out of nowhere and they don’t even have magic. He can’t even buy them with food.

Bilbo Find them amusing when chasing his smoke rings, love to watch them sleep in the sunny spot in the garden. Chase them away when they hunt the butterflies.

Sam Stupid animals. They dig in the garden and poison the flowers. And they don’t even like potatoes.

Frodo Good reading companions. Not very trustworthy with food. Love to climb in trees with him. Really good nap companions.

Pippin Cats are the evilest things after the ringwraiths. Did you see their eyes when they follow you in the night? Did you hear them meow after you in the night? That and their claws…

Merry Fights hard not to laugh each time Pippin speak about cats. Got a few scars out of the whole adventure but well worth it when seeing Pippin’s terrified face.

Thorin There is only one king under the mountain. And it won’t be a cat!

Thranduil He is the only one with the right of being fabulous. And this is HIS throne! Cats are not welcome in his palace.

Gimli Dwarves hate pests. But wild cats roaming unchecked underground? Unacceptable. What do you mean, he has adopted one? Don’t be ridiculous, he only keeps it in his room to hunt the rats that would eat his bed linen!

Legolas Never really got close of cats while in Mirkwood. Can’t understand why people would want to sleep with them when they're doing such noises. What was the great idea for Gimli to call his cat like him anyway?

[from-the-coffee-shop-in-edoras]

I think what I like best about Éomer and why he’s my favorite LOTR character is that he’s so thoroughly relatable. He’s not an ennobled elf with thousands of years of wisdom. He doesn’t come from an exalted bloodline with the intellectual and cultural inheritance of Numenor behind him. He’s not a sweet, gold-hearted little naif with unlimited stores of optimism. (There’s nothing wrong with anyone who meets those definitions–I just don’t personally see myself in them!) He’s a real, living, breathing human who has limitations and makes mistakes and gets cranky but is always trying to do the right thing. And that really speaks to me.

Even better, he usually succeeds despite his limitations (he is never taken in by Grima or Saruman, he helps Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli even though doing so forces him to break Rohan law, etc.) because he’s an excellent judge of character, always has good intentions, and *most importantly to me* he learns and grows from his mistakes. Éomer has no problem taking in new info, admitting that he was wrong, and then course correcting as needed (he literally says the words “I would gladly learn better” at one point!). It happens over and over, after his prejudices against the elves are called out, during his interactions with Ghan Buri Ghan, once Gandalf wizard-splains the concept of patriarchy to him, etc. He doesn’t get defensive or try to justify bad beliefs and practices. He is open-minded and humble enough to update his understanding of the world and then try to do better. Why wouldn’t I love that?

Oh, and he’s hot. Just, like, scaldingly hot.

[sakur4ii]

SAM GOLBACH X COLBY BROCK X GN! READER

AU Streamer!Gn reader

Warning ⚠️: Nothing, but English is not my first language so pls don't be mean with me if something is wrong 😄

You had known Sam and Colby for a long time, you were a well known streamer and your followers really wanted to see you in a paranormal investigation with those two guys. You remember how much fun it was, you were lucky that Larray was another guest, so you weren't too scared. From there Sam and Colby liked to come to you for some videos, it was only a matter of time before off camera the three of you became good friends.

People noticed something weird between you and those two guys, and actually, you had fun watching your followers freak out over the very confident interactions.

Now you're on a paranormal investigation those two, it was just the three of you, according to Colby it's because it would be more fun that way, and according to Sam it's because they need someone to hold the camera for them (even if it was just a very obvious lie to convince you).

The three of you are sitting around a table, listening to the site guide explaining the past of the site. Sam was at the head of the table, opposite the guide, Colby was to his right and you were to his left, while the camera was propped up on a piece of furniture focusing on the four of you.

You and Colby had been kicking each other under the table for a while, earning silent reprimands (kicks) from Sam.

—In this place it is believed that there is a spirit or demon that likes to bother and touch people, especially people like you. — The guide explains, pointing to you.

You raise your eyebrows in surprise, directing your gaze at your two friends, who seem to be quite amused by the information, but don't look surprised. You glared at them as you realised why the three of them had gone alone.

—Don't worry y/n, we'll protect you. — Sam said, winking at you and letting the guide continue to explain. You pursed your lips in embarrassment and rolled your eyes, you'll never know how they manage to get on your nerves with so little.

After the guide's explanation and the tour of the site, you started the investigation, trying to be as serious as possible, but you couldn't help but clown around.

You held the camera, so that Sam and Colby were in the shot as much as possible, they both tried to take it away from you, but you wouldn't let them, so, resigned, they finished setting up the equipment and started asking questions.

The two of them were sitting on a couch, while you were filming them standing up, which was making them nervous. They were trying to concentrate on asking questions but they just wanted you to sit down, so Colby decided to stand up.

—It's my turn to film, please give me the camera and sit with Sam. — He asks, stretching out his arms for you to give him the camera.

You looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

—Sit down. — You ordered. He complied with the order with his arms raised in surrender, causing Sam to laugh and look at him mockingly.

They decided it was a hopeless case, so they simply continued the investigation, on the condition that for the next place in the house they would investigate, you were not to touch the camera even once, to which you agreed.

In the room you were in now, there was a rocking chair, and you all agreed that you would do the Estes method in that chair.

Sam placed the camera on a piece of furniture so it would focus on where you were sitting and Colby stood next to you setting up the device.

When you were blindfolded and wearing headphones, each of them squatted on one side of you. You repeated what the radio was saying, although it made no sense to you, to the boys it was a conversation so fluid that it seemed unreal.

The conversation was starting to get darker and darker, and not long after you felt a burning in your back, Sam pulled you out of the method with two taps on the shoulder.

You removed your blindfold and headphones disoriented and with an obvious grimace of pain, Colby worriedly put a hand on your thigh and asked if you were okay, to which you replied that you felt a pain in your back.

Sam helped you out of the chair, and Colby went to get the camera, you lifted up your shirt so that it exposed only your back, with the help of the camera light Colby and Sam saw scratches that were bleeding. Sam, shocked and scared, brushed his fingers against the scratches and then took a picture of them with his mobile phone so you could see them.

Luckily there wasn't much more research left, so you left as soon as possible to dismiss the video and tend to your wounds.

When the video was released, people went crazy and died of tenderness seeing the way the boys cared about you, you weren't even surprised when Colby passed you tiktok edits where you were nervous about Sam's winking and Colby putting his hand on your thigh (he spent a whole week messing with you) on the other hand Sam was texting you to see if you were ok, the scratches had scarred him and he needed to know how you were doing so he could sleep soundly.

So if before your audience already shipped the three of you, after that video they shipped you twice as much.

[fire-emblem-drabbles]

which fire emblem characters would smash an eldritch cryptid Summoner

Obviously, any one of them, but let's pick some favorites:

Alfonse: For obvious reasons. He's killed multiple gods for disrupting the peace and in the name of saving those he cares for, I don't think he would let a little unfathomable horror stop him from getting his kissys. I think at first he would struggle a little, sort of a "is this okay..." but quickly find his feelings for you outweigh any moral panic he might have!

Lif: Same as above, really, but has no qualms about it. Probably even more excited than his alive counter part. Would never admit it aloud, but it comforts him that you're 'different' like him. Makes him feel like the two of you belong together :) truly freak4freak here.

Cholè: Miss "my dick has lead me places I wouldn't go without a lance". Finds you absolutely fascinating! Surely you came right out of a story book (and perhaps that's true, just not the ones she was reading). Being a cool little cryptid just makes you that much more interesting in her eyes. May have some autism moments with you (what are you scales made out of? Can you retract your claws like a cat? How come it hurts the back of my eyes if I stare at you too long?).

Robin: Honestly, it's more of a kinship thing for them that quickly devolves into them thinking up all the strange things you might be able to do to them. It's cute, watching them ask questions all scholastic like but when you get down to the nitty gritty, all they've really asked is: when are you going to pin me against the wall?

Grima: Just as horny for you as Robin, but Grima is all about proving they're cooler and better than you while they do it. They may or may not be, but it does result in a lover who is eager dominate and please you, as often as it will take. This of course can be very good, or very bad-- monsters like you and they are often insatiable.

Edelgard: Anyone willing to become/forced to be the monster can find the beauty in those born such a way. She's never shied away from a challenge, and you prove to be just that. But more so, seeing you be so unabashedly you, and doing your utmost to protect the people you care about-- gives her the strength to face what she must. Bonus, hegemon El: The sex is super toxic but insanely good, it's almost worth it.

Odin/Owain: This man would right sonnets about your horrifying visage. If you're okay with someone down so bad for you they come off as pathetic, he's your man. If he does manage to riz you, he at least makes good on all his promises. How did he get so good at this, anyways?

[onestevetogo]

Lord of the Abridged : Revenge of the King

Flashback Sméagol- I just love Deagol!

Flashback Deagol- I just love Sméagol!

Ring- Hey

Flashback Sméagol- Gollum.exe

Later

Merry- We boss.

Pippin- We totally boss.

Gandalf- This place is wet af.

Gimli- I ran all this way for soggy hobbit.

Pippin- Come at me bro, I’ve had like four breakfasts today.

Saruman- My house has water damage.

Grima- He says your momma was a balrog.

Saruman- Stfu.

Grima- Sorry.

Gandalf- Tell me how to turn Sauron Sauroff.

Saruman- Saurin your dreams.

Grima- PAIN!

Saruman- Egad!

Gandalf- Lmao.

Theoden- We’re alive!

Aragorn- We’re alive!

Soldiers- We’re alive!

Eowyn- ManFlesh!

Aragorn- She wants my manflesh.

Aragorn- *hides*

Gandalf- This is my seeing stone. Not for Pippins. Don’t touch.

Pippin- Okay.

Gandalf- Time for a nap.

Pippin- Shiny!

Sauron- WHO DIS?

Pippin- Oh no! Consequences!

Sauron- OH NO! A TWINK!

Gandalf- Steward Denethor, we gotta fight.

Denethor- King Denethor.

Gandalf- I didn’t vote for you.

Denethor- Make Gondor Great Again.

Pippin- Congrats! You get a free hobbit!

Gandalf- Pippin wtf.

Denethor- Can never have too many hobbits.

Gollum- Look! Stairs!

Frodo- Omg.

Sam- Omg.

Witch king- Let’s go everybody!

Orc leaders- If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands!

Orcs- *not clapping*

Gandalf- I need you to set some private property on fire.

Pippin- Say no more.

Aragorn- Fire!

Theoden- Fire!

Soldiers- Fire!

Orcs- Row row row your boat gently down the stream!

Faramir- They’re rowing their boats down the stream. What are they planning?

Orcs- Merrily merrily merrily merrily, make the soldiers scream!

Faramir - Oh no.

Pippin- *Watching Denethor eat tomatoes*

Pippin- I’ve made a terrible mistake.

Gollum- Sam ate all the bread.

Sam- wtf?

Frodo- That makes perfect sense.

Sam- wtf???

Frodo- Go home Sam.

Sam- WTF??????????

Elrond- My daughter wants your manflesh.

Aragorn- :)

Elrond- But she’s also dying.

Aragorn- :(

Elrond- Here’s a cool sword.

Aragorn- :)

Eowyn- I want your ManFlesh.

Aragorn- The world is literally about to end.

Eowyn- …

Eowyn- So is that a maybe or…?

Denethor- Why can’t you be more like your brother.

Faramir- My brother is dead.

Denethor- Exactly.

Faramir- :,(

Pippin- omg I’ve made a horrible mistake.

Aragorn- Yo Ghosts.

Ghosts- We’re going to kill you.

Aragorn- Look at this cool sword.

Ghosts- We will follow the keeper of the cool sword.

Orcs- This little piggy went BOOM.

Soldiers- *Fighting*

Orcs- *Fighting*

Denethor- This defeat was totally unavoidable and not at all my fault.

Gandalf- Time for a staff adjustment.

Gandalf’s staff- *Adjusts Denethor’s face*

Nazgûl- *Finger in car door screeching*

Gandalf- PAIN!

Witch King- PAIN!

Gandalf- What the canon?

Orcs- Eat all the ManFlesh!

Theoden- We ride at Theodawn!

Orcs- Theodang!

Gandalf- *Having a blood rage*

Pippin- Denethor is turning his son into nice crispy bacon!

Gandalf- Egad!

Denethor- #blazeit

Gandalf- Jousting!

Denethor- I’m gonna fall off this cliff and really ruin someone’s day!

Theoden- We’re Theodone!

Witch King - You’re Theodoomed.

Theoden- *chewtoy noises*

Eowyn- It’s time you Fell, Beast!

Witch King- PAIN!

Eowyn- I’m in pain!

Witch King- Haha, I’m immune to manflesh.

Eowyn- I am no ManFlesh!

Witch King- Oh shit.

Witch King- *Dies*

Theoden- Oh shit.

Theoden- *Dies*

Aragorn- I’m here now.

Orcs- Hey cool sword!

Ghosts- We thought so too.

Orcs- Oh no!

Orcs- *Die*

Eowyn- Hey I’m not dead!

Faramir- Hey I’m also not dead!

Eowyn- *gasps* ManFlesh!

Faramir- *gasps* Acceptance!

Gollum- Hey check out this cave.

Frodo- I don’t like this cave.

Shelob- What? A friend? Hello new friend!

Frodo- Oh no! A disgusting spider!

Shelob- Wow, rude.

Gollum- She’s going to eat you!

Shelob- Not my friend!

Frodo- Must run away!

Shelob- Poor friend! I’ll make a nice cozy sleeping bag for you!

Sam- Oh no! A disgusting spider! I’ll take him from you!

Shelob- No, he’s tired! Don’t take my friend!

Sam- *Stabbing noises*

Shelob- But my friend :(

Sam- *Opens sleeping bag*

Sam- This boy dead as hell.

Sam- *Loots the body*

Orc- This boy dead as hell.

Other Orc- Nah he’s just tired. Let’s get him into a bed.

Sam- Must follow them!

…

Shelob- My friend :,(

Orc- Shiny!

Other orc- My shiny!

More orcs- Our shiny!

Sam- I’m about to commit so much aggravated assault.

Frodo- Hey I’m not dead!

Sam- Oh. Then the ring is yours. I guess.

Aragorn- Knock knock.

Mouth of Sauron- Who’s there?

Aragorn- Chop.

Mouth of Sauron- Chop wh-

Aragorn- *Chops*

Orcs- Oh my god! He killed Dave!

Orcs- You busturd!

Aragorn- Oh no.

Soldiers- Oh no.

Legolas- That’s a lot more than seventeen.

Gimli- I am no longer racist.

Sam- We’re almost to the cave!

Gollum- It’s hobbit season!

Sam- Suplex City!

Gollum- Foul!

Frodo- Home stretch!

Sam- Toss the bish, make a wish!

Frodo- No.

Sam- That’s a terrible idea!

Gollum- That’s a great idea!

Frodo- *Finger food noises*

Gollum- *Trips*

Gollum- I’m melting! What a world! Oh, what a world!

Frodo- Oh shit!

Sam- Oh shit!

Pippin- Nice crispy bacon.

Sauron-…

Sauron-…

Sauron-AAAAAGHBLAGHBUGMAGUGA!!!

NAZGÛL YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!

Frodo- I want some bread.

Sam- I really wanted to pick Rosie’s cotton.

Frodo- Oeugh Sam!

Eagles- *Coming*

Aragorn- Theoden and Denethor are dead. I rule unchallenged. All hail the king. ✨✨

Elrond- You are now barely good enough to date my daughter.

Arwen- MaleMeat.

Aragorn- *Happy king noises*

Later

Frodo- Retirement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Sam- I’ve picked so much Rosie Cotton.

Frodo- I’m out.

Bilbo- I’m out.

Gandalf- I’m out.

Galadriel- Wait for me Beard Daddy.

And they all lived happily ever after.

Except Shelob.

[vanguarddawn]

There's something I've been thinking about tonight that I really don't quite know how to explain, but I'm going to try it anyways.

It all regards a question I've received several times over the years: Why is Walhart one of my favorite Awakening characters, when Edelgard is my least favorite Fire Emblem character? Aren't their goals essentially the same?

This is a question I mostly receive from Edelgard fans who usually don't want to listen to what I actually have to say about either character, and just want to try and put the legitimacy of my biases under scrutiny, usually with accusations of misogyny being thrown in for good measure. And I've never really had an answer for them, not because I didn't want to get involved in that discussion, but because I had always judged Walhart and Edelgard based on gut feeling rather than deeper analysis.

Honestly, the more I look into them both in comparison to one another, the more vast that rift becomes. I'm not necessarily starting to like Walhart even more, but I'm definitely learning to like Edelgard even less, something I'd thought was impossible. I do not have the time or patience to write out a full Edelgard analysis, and honestly I don't want to do that either. So I'll talk about what connects them and what differentiates them.

Walhart and Edelgard are, on the surface, somewhat similar characters. They are both the leader of their nation, and seek to unify the rest of the continent through force, and ultimately intend to forge a world where man can only rely on their own strength rather than that of the gods. Both are armored axe wielders primarily associated with the color red, and both bear inhuman levels of physical strength. Both can potentially end up being defeated by the kindhearted king of the nation they invaded who seeks to strengthen the existing world through structural reform rather than wiping the slate clean, and cherish the power of bonds over the strength of the individual.

So why do I love Walhart but hate Edelgard again? Simple.

Walhart is absolutely fucking delusional. Dude is straight up off his rocker, and the game is actually willing to acknowledge this rather than trying to defend it. He truly believes in his whole "unity through conquest" bullshit, and is only willing to let go of it when he's defeated by Chrom. And you know what he does, instead of Edelgard's "if only i had your strength we could have made the world a better place together" stuff?

Walhart concedes. He basically just tells Chrom and Robin "alright, you guys won, you clearly know what's best for the world. I was wrong, might does not make right, and from now on I'm gonna do things your way." Of course he says it in his own distinctly Walhart way, but the message is still the same. While he doesn't come to accept the real message that Chrom and Robin were trying to send, one of bonds and togetherness, he does realize that his way of going about securing and maintaining peace was wrong. I understand that Edelgard also concedes somewhat in VW/SS, but in AM she tries to murder her salvation after being given one last chance to redeem herself, and in CF she successfully conquers Fódlan so there's no redemption to be done.

It also helps that the god Walhart was trying to stop to begin with was objectively evil and not just a traumatized archbishop. Yes, Rhea does some incredibly fucked up things, but comparing her to Grima, who literally destroys the entire world just for funsies, can't really be done in good faith. Rhea is more compelling as an antagonist because she actually has nuance - nuance that Grima mostly lacks.

I also want to address some localization weirdness regarding both characters. In Awakening's English localization Walhart's goal of crushing the Grimleal is only made clear after the player has already defeated him and is headed to stop the ongoing resurrection of Grima. The English localization of Three Houses, on the other hand, may as well be Edelgard apologist fanfiction with how much it rewrites her character to make her look completely justified in starting her war, including actively writing mentions of civilian conscription and execution, as well as foreign military operations out of the English script, and adding a line to her endings stating that she gives up power once her dream of a Crest-less Fódlan has been realized. She is a completely different character between scripts.

I also like how Walhart is written entirely seriously about even the most mundane of things in his barracks and DLC conversations. If you thought he was crazy about military, wait until you hear his opinion on vegetarianism (he is one and he intends to make it your problem).

Basically, I like Walhart because he isn't meant to be endearing. Awakening makes no effort to redeem him or justify his actions, because they are ultimately unjustifiable. Edelgard did essentially the same thing he did and required a whole game rewrite to justify allowing the player to side with her at all.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if Eomer and Grima met as children lmao (also love your work🤍 I’m a huge fan of what you write and I’m married to Grima as well he’s my wet pookie)

sometimes there are people who come into my inbox with only the best and most amazing messages - you are one of them! (also thank you so much for the lovely compliments! I'm always so happy when people like my Grima nonsense <3)

I have never considered this but it is objectively hilarious. It would require them being the same age, which shifts their dynamic a bit I think since Grima is, at a minimum, like 13 years older than Eomer but really it's much more like 15 to 20 or more, depending if you're doing book or movie Grima re: age. (Book is ambiguous. He's described as "old" but what does that mean? Aragorn's also old! Anyway, I usually head-canon him as somewhere between 45-50. Eomer's like 27 and making some Peak Life Choices Boy Howdy.)

ANYWAY

Them meeting as children would be a mess. Grima's that kid who is like "I dissected the dead bird the cat brought in, do you want to see it? The insides are interesting--you can see where it might have been ill and dying anyway" and everyone is like "….no". He also suffers from the "everyone thinks I'm a weird freaky asshole so I might as well be the weirdest freakiest asshole they've ever met" - ouroboros situation. I also think he was born prickly which helps little. His natural personality is like pickle brine and life just made it worse.

(Eomer: it's a good thing pickle-backs exist. Shot of whisky followed by a shot of pickle brine. It's great.

Grima: what are you saying??

Eomer: that you're an acquired taste. and sometimes I feel like I've woken up after a bad night at the bar with Eothain.

Grima: .. ….,. .,,.. you know. I'll take it.)

Eomer is rough and tumble and also trying to live up to the Image of His Father. He's also a prince and therefore used to getting what he wants when he wants it. I think he was also born a bit truculent. Like, the slightly compulsive need to just Start Shit with people on occasion is there in his late 20s, I presume it was there in his childhood as well. It's not a constant thing, but when it strikes Eomer cannot resist.

(will this one day end up with him causing an International Incident? possibly.)

At the same time, I think Eomer was a child with a sunny disposition that dampened really swiftly after his parents died and he became a bit grave and serious in his teens. When you're fifteen and taking up your father's mantel and being told that he was a Hero and you're going to be Just Like Him is a lot to hold and I think Eomer's response to it was to try and be the Grave Heroic Lord that people expected him to be. Another ouroboros, just in a different direction to Grima.

All of this to say - them meeting at like twelve? Disaster. Grima would be weird and trying to figure out how to keep Eomer from beating him up or something but he's not perfected the ability to manipulate people or situations because he's twelve. Eomer would be like "why is this freaky kid staring at me and being weird" then would either try and start shit or would ignore him because Eomer is a Prince and Grima is a Commoner.

Also, I think Grima started doing his thieving at a young age and Eomer is at once offended because that is against the law! and you're not supposed to do that! and only sneak-thieves and villains do that! at the same time I can see ten year old him thinking it secretly kind of cool and badass. There's some mischief in Eomer that Grima can prod into the light of day (not to mention the natural desire kids have to test boundaries and push limits).

--

They meet because idk Grima's father is in Edoras for business reasons. It's sheering season, there's wool to sell.

(a half-drabble-thing below the cut)

Grima's loitering in a market square watching people and feeling a bit envious of the other boys who muck about together because he wants to be included but he knows if he tries it'll end poorly so he just watches and feels resentful.

Eomer's been taken to market by Theodred for whom Eomer acts as page since it provides him a quasi-apprenticeship in how to be a good Eotheod lord. Theodred being fourteen years older than Eomer has his household established and is in a good position to take Eomer on. Theodred says, ‘You can take a few hours to yourself. Consider it a half-day holiday.’

Eomer is well-chuffed with this development and is sauntering around with some of his mates. Determining if they’re going to make trouble or not – Eomer is conscious of needing to set a good example and wanting his cousin and uncle’s approval so does talk them out of the more insane ideas.

The squad gets distracted at some stall or other and Eomer isn’t interested in the wares so is looking around. He sees a slight, strange looking kid a few stalls over who is leaning against a pole watching them then he watches some of the common kids who are kicking a ball about in the square, others are running hoops &c. Eomer doesn’t at first pay attention to him because he’s just some peasant. Look at his clothes! Clearly not from Edoras. Clearly some boy from a farm or small village.

Then the boy seems to disappear and Eomer thinks that this is strange. He was sort-of keeping an eye on him since Eomer got a sense that he was planning some mischief but now he’s gone. La!

Into thin air.

Eomer’s mates are done with this stall—they want to go to another. Or maybe find a cockfight to bet some of their allowance on. All else fails, they say, we can go up to the first floor of the White Hart and look at the girls passing by.

This all sounds swell to Eomer and the roudy group makes their way towards the back of the market where the more dubious activities occur. As they round a corner Eomer collides into someone who hadn’t been there but a moment ago. It’s the boy from before! The little rat-faced one with the greasy dark hair and large eyes.

Eomer’s back up and dusting himself off as one of Eomer’s friends hauls the boy to his feet, ‘Don’t you watch where you’re going? Eh? We’re walking here, can’t you see?’ He’s jabbing into the boy’s chest and the boy is in turns frightened but also, somehow, sneering at them as if he were their better. The boy is gripping his hands into fists and there is dirt between fingers, as if he had grabbed up something from the ground. ‘What’s that smell? Sheep-shit? Wool? You got wool for brains?’

Eomer is all, ‘Leave him alone. He’s not worth it.’ And his friend laughs, wags a finger at the boy, ‘You’re lucky we’re kind.’ Then they’re off and Eomer doesn’t really think about the encounter until they’re at the cockfight and he goes for his purse to put a bet on and finds it lighter than it was an hour ago.

When they crashed into that boy.

And Eomer recalls a hand near his back then his belt but he hadn’t thought much of it. Just thought the boy was floundering a bit, being knocked over as he was, and Eomer so much bigger than he.

The little bastard nicked some of his money!

The little bastard is good if he got some but not all. Too smart to take the whole purse, too smart to cut it. The fall must have loosened it enough for some of the coin to fall out and the boy grabbed it up. Eomer thinks he should report the theft, because no one is above the law as his cousin tells him with regularity. As Third Marshal it will be Eomer’s job to ensure that justice is dispensed. It will be his job to ensure that the laws of the land are enacted fairly, honestly.

But it was only a few coins. In any case, Eomer doesn’t think the boy could stand the whipping that would follow. He had a pinched, starved look about him. That cringing, mincing manner some apprentices get when their masters are hard handed. When his friend was jabbing a finger into the boy’s chest Eomer had half expected the ribs to cave in.

Best leave him be. He’ll get his comeuppance at some point should the boy makes it to manhood with the same unwise habits.

Fishing out some pennies, Eomer says, ‘I’m going in on the cockerel with the green feathering on its wings.’

‘Only five pence? And that bird is going to lose, look how small he is!’

‘He may be small, but I think he’s got some cunning in him. In any case, thrift can be the mark of a wise man.’

His friends laugh: oh ho ho, Eomer sounds like a grandfather. Look at their friend the prince Eomer, trotting about as if he were a sage.

Eomer rolls his eyes, grabs one of his friends closest to him to knuckle his head, then they are cajoled into behaviour by the pressure and presence of the crowd.

Eomer’s bird wins the day. He preens all the way home.

~

Years on from then, Eomer will be visiting his uncle and cousin in Edoras and his uncle will say, ‘Come meet the man Aethelrod has marked as his successor, once he can no longer perform the role of Law Speaker.’

Eomer will say that Aethelrod has years left in him, surely? And his uncle will laugh his loud laugh that fills the golden hall: Oh yes, he’ll be long lived. Still, best to think about the future early.

When Eomer follows his uncle out through the golden pillars and the golden doors of Meduseld into the sun, he will see the broad, soft face of Aethelrod at the top of the stairs and behind him a tall man built lightly, with dark hair and large eyes. And Eomer will look at the man and the man will look at Eomer and Eomer will think the face to be familiar though he cannot place it. The man will bow, a perfectly executed action of someone who practices. Aethelrod will thump the man’s chest with his large fist and say, ‘This is Grima son of Galmod, found him out in the hinterlands some years back. He’s whip-fast and clever as an adder. He’ll do well for a Law Speaker, my lord. He’ll do very well indeed.’

And the man with the large eyes will seem to stare through Eomer then he will smile and it will be one of dark amusement. As if there were some joke being played at Eomer’s expense. Eomer’s back will get up, his skin will bristle, he will think that this man from the hinterlands shouldn’t be so confident or comfortable. He has yet to prove himself, after all.

It will be later, months or years on from the introduction, when Eomer will be rounding a corner in Meduseld and he will collide with Grima who has somehow made himself a fixture in Theoden’s household and Eomer cannot help but think there a secret, subtle magic at work. Because who is this man? No one has heard of him? Who is his father? Some shepherd from the east Emnet. No one of note or noble name. And if a man has no name or history can he be trusted?

In any case, they will collide and Grima will step back begging his pardon, he will be bowing, and Eomer will be saying, ‘It’s fine, don’t worry about it’ and Grima will be leaving, their shoulders will be brushing, and Eomer will think he feels the ghost of a hand at his back, his belt-purse, and when he looks over his shoulder he will see Grima also looking back and Eomer will realize oh Gods, it’s that kid. It’s that boy who nicked half my allowance that one day. And he will wonder at himself and how it was he never made the connection, but the moment is over because Grima is gone—back to the main hall where he will weave his plans for advancement and Eomer is in his room, checking his purse, and thinking to himself: I could have sworn there was a cup on the bedside table. A pretty one with gold in the rim. I could have sworn I left it there this morning.

[torchwood-99]

Every time Gandalf is in the room with Grima he takes every opportunity to drag him to hell.

I love him for that. I love that for Grima.

Grima deserves it all on his own merit, but remember, Theoden knew Gandalf, Gandalf was known at the Golden Hall, which means Gandalf knew Theodred, knew Eomer and knew Eowyn, probably as children.

Grima preying on, perhaps exacerbating, the decline of his old friend? Gandalf's gonna hate him for that.

So Grima working to turn Theoden against Eomer and Theodred, and getting Theodred killed? Yeah, Gandalf's gonna hate him all the more for that.

And Grima stalking Eowyn, harassing Eowyn, plotting to rape Eowyn? Gandalf's gonna really, really hate him for that.

“‘How long is it since Saruman bought you? What was the promised price? When all the men were dead, you were to pick your share of the treasure, and take the woman you desire? Too long have you watched her under your eyelids and haunted her steps.’”

Oh yeah, that's personal.

You just feel the disgust.

And then;

‘Eomer grasped his sword. “That I knew already,” he muttered. “For that reason I would have slain him before, forgetting the law of the hall. But there are other reasons.” He stepped forward, but Gandalf stayed him with his hand.

“Eowyn is safe now.”

The hand on Eomer, using Eowyn's first name, it's intimate. He feels Eomer's anger, he knows Eowyn.

And contrast Gandalf's utter contempt for Grima, with his compassion for the Eorlings, and his explanation of what Eowyn had to endure to Eomer, he's just so good to this family.

And when he says Eowyn had courage and spirit at least the match of Eomer, he knows what he's talking about.

(Now I'm just imagining Gandalf coming to the Golden Hall in Eomer and Eowyn's youth, and getting to know the two fierce young Eorlings. Heck, maybe it was Gandalf who helped convince Theoden to raise Eowyn as a shieldmaiden.)

[tales-from-drama-school]

Fictional characters based on whether I think they'd like vegemite or not

None of these characters have come anywhere near vegemite because they're not australian but I think whether or not you like vegemite says a lot about you so here we go

Aziraphale: he would not like it as a spread, it's a bit too strong for him, but he would LOVE vegemite scrolls (is this because he likes delicious cheesy pastry? yes. are vegemite scrolls delicious? also yes)

Crowley: Absolutely not. It's way too salty for him, and because he eats stuff very rarely, he would not choose to eat ThAT

Muriel: is still getting used to the idea of eating food and would straight up just refuse to try it

Maggie: Would try it. Would be polite and finish a sandwich made for it, but it's not something she would choose

Nina: Thinks it's fine but prefers Marmite (she's wrong but she's also british so it's fine)

Jon Sims: would love vegemite, he's that salty. He would also tell no one he loves vegemite and would stash a massive jar of it behind other 'normal' british foods in his cupboard.

Martin Blackwood: Would not like vegemite. He would try it at Jon's insistence and say, 'why on earth would you eat this?' and never eat it again

Gertrude: Likes vegemite but would only eat it when she's in australia. She is the most likely to have actually eaten vegemite out of anyone else on this post.

Gerry Keay: Would hate it. He'd take one bite of it and go 'bleARagh' and then go off and do Gerry Keay stuff

Tim Stoker: Is fairly neutral about vegemite. He would eat it if he was given a sandwich or a vegemite scroll but he would not actively choose to eat vegemite

Sasha James: Would not like vegemite. She tried it once while on a trip and despises it. Would not be at all surprised to learn that Jon likes vegemite

Not!Sasha: Loves vegemite so much it's disgusting.

Helen: Doesn't eat human food

Elias/Jonah: Elias's tastebuds do not like vegemite at all, but that doesn't matter because Jonah tried it once in a previous body and now eats it straight from the jar

Bruce: does not mind vegemite. He has had it a couple of times on various trips/various events and didn't like it but didn't dislike it either

Alfred: refuses to go anywhere near vegemite, as '[it] is an abomination.' Occasionally eats Marmite on toast.

Dick: also does not mind vegemite. Would not volunteer to eat it, but if forced to also wouldn't hate it

Jason: Hates vegemite. Too salty, tastes weird, why would anyone eat it. He only thinks this because he has only eaten it directly off the spoon

Cass: Would not like vegemite at all. Hasn't tried it, and will go out of her way not to try it, ever.

Tim: Likes vegemite. A good vegemite sandwich pairs well with black coffee. The salt and preservatives help keep his body functioning

Steph: Has eaten a vegemite sandwich once and was not impressed. Would probably like vegemite scrolls but doesn't know they exist.

Babs: If you presented her with a vegemite sandwich, she'd look at it and then look at you, and then you would leave.

Duke: Has never tried vegemite. Doesn't know what vegemite is. Probably won't unless one of his siblings decides to use it in a prank.

Damian: Likes vegemite insofar as it is associated with kangaroos and other australian creatures. Has never actually eaten it, and if he did he would hate it.

(there are a lot more batfam members and characters I could do here but the list is so long so I'm sticking to the faves)

Jude Duarte: Has not tried vegemite. Would love vegemite. (It's salty and therefore a very safe food in faerieland.) Someone get this queen some vegemite.

Cardan: Would not like vegemite at all, but understands why Jude does

Oak: Would despise vegemite. Too salty. Too...taste. As a kid he would throw it away, now he would politely but forcefully decline.

Heather: likes vegemite.

Vivi: Was introduced to vegemite through heather and now adores it.

Grima mog: tried it and loves it. Uses it everywhere. Like hot sauce.

Suren: hasn't heard of vegemite. If you showed it to her, she would be displeased. If she ate it, she would banish you from her court.

Taryn: only eats vegemite scrolls, has never tried the actual spread

I will add more by request

[emmebearpaw]

what do you mean I won

Well, what was supposed to be me talking about how much I loved the experience of getting to get up on stage and do a dance and show you all the dance has somehow been usurped, I promise the video is in this post, just keep scrolling and you can see Robin Fire Emblem by @lordyunaa on motion in stage.

But first I have to talk about this.

.... WHAT

Yes I know it's a representation of my time, skill and energy to make a costume the judges described as "Absolutely amazing, one of the cleanest we've seen from a novice. We absolutely loved everything they did". But also it doesn't feel real you know? But uh. I mean the trophy proves otherwise. It's time for me to take a few months off and then start planning something with my new skills and then make good on the joke the event MC made that once people do one contest they show back up for more. Also, on the whole process now that it's done. This has been a lot of fun. It's been a nice costume to work on (I didn't get stuck on anything for too long, which made things feel smooth). What has been real special though is that I have been posting this blog of it and actually getting responses! Especially from Yunah herself. If you have a lot of friends who draw and you can't, it's very easy to kind of feel left out and like, it's been kind of amazing to have my art be recognized, because a lot of things I consider to be my skills aren't ones people normally look to as art, or are ones I don't do frequently enough to be able to build those connections. ALSO HAVING AN ARTIST YOU LOVE TELL YOU THEY THINK WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS COOL IS LIKE CRACK COCAINE. Cosplay on official designs is far more common, and Hoyoverse isn't going to come tell you how cool it is that you loved their designs enough to spend 6 months making it in real life. Art is a collective process, try to build yourself into it, no matter what you consider your skills to be, and you will find joy in it. But for you, for you it's video time. I tried to capture the energy of the final battle with Grima, beginning with an attempted possession and ending with Robin telling Chrom she loves him and leaving the Shepherds behind to end Grima herself.

No I don't have a next cosplay picked out. Yes I have already been asked this. Now is the time for me to juggle ideas for the next 2-3 months and not look at a sewing machine for at least a month, not have another project.

[the-priestess-of-dawn]

Grima and Final Blows

The other day I mentioned that I had an essay about Grima to write that I'd been putting off, and between that and all the great essays my fellow Grimleal scholars have been putting out recently, I decided to sit down and finally get it done.

So here you go. An analysis of Grima's difficulties with directly killing people.

Okay, so I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time, because one of my favorite things to explore when it comes to Grima is the gap between their villain act, which they actively play up in front of others in both Awakening and FEH, and their true feelings, which are hinted at in Awakening (particularly through the Future Past DLC) and made even clearer in FEH— their own evil actions are repulsive to them, and they wish they could live normally among humans, but they don’t believe they have any choice but to be the monster that “the fell dragon, Grima” is supposed to be. They are committed to this “fell dragon” character, to putting on a show for everyone, and they are so good at it that it’s easy to overlook that they… uh… aren’t very good at killing anyone important. Not directly, anyway.

Sure, Grima is responsible for numerous deaths. But what is their actual kill count? Well, in Awakening’s main game… zero. (Unless you count Chrom, but, as we witness, that was not a voluntary act on their part; Validar took control of their body. You could also make the argument that Grima “claiming the sacrifice” at the Dragon’s Table counts, but the problem with that is, although it’s obvious that Grima accepts the life force of the Grimleal members as a sacrifice, it’s not at all clear whether or not Grima personally kills them. Although it’s possible that they did off screen, it’s also possible that Validar killed them, or that they were ordered to take their own lives; there’s no reason Grima would have had to lay a hand on them.) In the Future Past, it’s… one, maybe one and half (Naga’s spirit, and Tiki, but only in body. More on this later.)

And it’s not as though Fire Emblem shies away from showing villains directly murdering people, Even in Awakening itself, the intro to Chapter 9 shows Aversa killing a Plegian soldier for delivering an unsatisfactory report, so it wouldn’t have been out of place to let Grima stab a few NPCs as a show of brutality. Especially seeing as Grima is the evil dragon final boss. As early as Mystery of the Emblem, we can see Medeus killing his cleric hostages to restore his own health if you fail to rescue them before trying to defeat him, and as recently as Engage, we get a whole cutscene of Sombron eating Hyacinth. Fantasy violence my beloved <3

Anyway, the point is, Grima could have been written to be much more violent and I don’t think anyone would have complained. Instead, though, Grima repeatedly— and consistently across the series— tries to avoid engaging in direct combat.

Let’s start with what Grima does in the main game of Awakening. We know that Risen pursue Lucina into the past, because we see them fall out of the portal with her in Chapter 1. We also know that those Risen, as well as the others that are appearing throughout the land, are not being directly controlled by Grima, because later in Chapter 13, as the Shepherds are leaving Plegia after meeting with Validar, Aversa, and the Hierophant, they are pursued by more skilled Risen, and Frederick notes that “Either they are learning our ways, or someone is commanding them…” So… It seems that sending the Risen—with or without specific orders—to attack while Grima is not themself present is a favored tactic.

But what about when Grima is present? Take a look at the Endgame: Grima chapter. Yes, you eventually get to engage Grima in direct combat. But not immediately. What Grima does first is…

Grima attacks the Shepherds with dark spikes from a distance, reducing everyone’s hp to 1. Now, here’s what happens next: Grima attempts to possess their past self, Robin hears the voices of their friends and breaks free, Naga heals everyone back to full health, and then the fight against Grima begins… Except actually, the Shepherds have to get to Grima first, because they’re at the top of the map and they’re not budging. Naga warns them that “Grima’s servants will beset [them] to no end.” and she’s not kidding. Grimleal reinforcements will spawn infinitely, and they can hit pretty hard. Even with everyone starting at full health, it’s possible to lose units to these Grimleal soldiers if Grima isn’t defeated quickly. Can you imagine what would happen if Naga hadn’t healed the Shepherds first?

Well, I’d guess that they’d probably all die to the Grimleal without Grima having to face them up close. Which was probably what Grima was going for.

This isn’t the only time Grima tries the dark spikes trick, either. Grima attempts this exact same move in the Future Past 3 when they face Lucina, Severa, Laurent, and Gerome.

Grima announces “With the next blow, I will kill you.” and then demands that they hand over the Fire Emblem as well as the gemstone they hold. The threat is very real. But…

Given that at 1hp, a gust of wind could take the kids out, would it not have been easier and faster to kill them and just loot their bodies immediately? And yet Grima lets the kids have an extended discussion about sacrifice, and even suggests that Lucina would indeed buy a little more time by running… Again, I cannot stress enough that Grima should be able to finish them off in one hit at this point.

So the plan was almost certainly to back off and let the Risen do the actual killing, even though that would be a lot less efficient under the circumstances. And when Chrom and the Shepherds arrive, Grima immediately turns their attention to them, saying “If it’s a reunion you seek, my soldiers shall welcome you on my behalf.” Then they once again pick a spot at the back of the map and refuse to move from it, forcing the Shepherds to fight through the Risen in order to engage Grima in combat at all.

And sure, Grima has some excuses. “I was hoping not to have to flex any muscle,” they say right before the dark spikes attack, as if to justify why they didn’t do it sooner. And of course they taunt Lucina over having to choose to whether to run as her friends sacrifice themselves for her or to stay and fight and die with them. “I must say I shall enjoy this either way!” Yes, Grima, we get it, you’ve made it very clear that you’re an arrogant asshole.

But is arrogance really all there is to it? If we look at what Tiki tells Grima in the good ending of the Future Past, it looks as though Grima’s arrogance has brought their own downfall. “If you had left Mount Prism alone, Grima, you might have stood a chance. Instead, you have brought the Awakening right to your feet.” However, when you think about it… Is Tiki’s continued existence not in itself a result of Grima’s repeated pattern of not really wanting to land a finishing blow? The game states that Grima did in fact kill Tiki… but only in body, not in spirit. This is, according to Tiki, because Robin intervened.

Now, the question I have is… Is it really possible that Robin could have intervened both against Grima’s will and without them having any idea? Honestly, it’s hard to tell exactly how aware Grima is of Robin’s resistance, because they lie about it a lot, e.g. stating that Robin’s spirit perished in sending Chrom back to his own world, even though just moments later, Robin is once again overpowering them. So, keeping in mind that Grima is a liar, was Grima really arrogant to leave Tiki’s body in Ylisstol, and to not make sure that her spirit was fully destroyed? Or was Robin simply able to capitalize on Grima’s propensity towards backing off?

Because surely the only way Grima could be unaware that Robin had acted against them is if Robin hadn’t actually acted against them. I don’t think I believe that Grima really wanted Tiki gone. Naga, sure—longtime nemesis and all. But if Grima had truly cared about seeing Tiki’s existence destroyed… Well, I doubt Robin could have interfered that much.

But maybe it could still be a matter of arrogance. Maybe Grima just didn’t think Tiki’s spirit could do anything with Naga’s spirit gone, and thus didn't care to pay attention to her anymore once she seemed dead enough.

If that’s true, it doesn’t explain why Shadows of Valentia Grima exhibits the exact same habits when fighting Alm and Celica, despite never having been outside of the Thabes Labyrinth at this point in their life. As opposed to the various Terrors throughout the rest of the Labyrinth, which chase Alm (or Celica) down in the overworld to force a fight, Grima is immobile in their room, and will wait patiently there indefinitely until the player chooses to engage. You can even evacuate from the dungeon.

But if you do choose to fight Grima, it proceeds much like the battles against them in Awakening go. The main difference is that they actually will move from their starting position this time, if you position someone in their range. That still requires a fight against (proto-)Risen who are spawning in from the sides to stop your party’s advance.

So… Now it’s starting to look like Grima actively prefers this one particular trick… And it’s a fundamentally defensive maneuver, which makes perfect sense from SoV Grima’s standpoint (they were attacked out of nowhere, after all), but is not really an obvious standout strategy for Awakening Grima, whose taunts and threats suggest an aggression that would be better supported with a more offensive strategy… Consider, too, that Awakening Grima is in fact being even more defensive than their SoV iteration, since they don’t move towards you at all.

With all that in mind, it really, really looks like Grima doesn’t want to fight, especially in Awakening. Not that they don’t intend for the Shepherds to die—on the contrary, they’ve set everything up so that the Shepherds will eventually be overwhelmed—but that they don’t want to land the killing blow.

(And gee, I wonder what might be fueling their reluctance? Being controlled and made to kill your best friend by your own hand wouldn't be totally traumatic or anything, right?)

And then... Funny thing here, I’ve been procrastinating writing this essay for a long time. I originally started thinking about it shortly before the Depths of Despair banner was released in FEH, so imagine my surprise when I saw this characterization hold up in the writing of Fell Exalt Chrom’s Forging Bonds as well… The Grima there says that Chrom was the one to kill the rest of the Shepherds. Now, it’s pretty clear that it was through Grima controlling him, but that’s not the point. The point is that once again, Grima didn't have to do any direct killing.

Look, if it had only ever happened once, I could buy that maybe Grima was just underestimating their opponents, that maybe they thought they could get away without having to put very much work in. But for Grima to operate this way so many times, so consistently, and to their own detriment? No...

Grima doesn’t like direct combat. Grima has trouble even when it’s a fight they asked for.

And when you think about it, that makes their reaction to Robin choosing to land the final blow themself in the sacrifice ending all the more understandable.

“…YOU WOULD… NOT DARE!”

Because Grima would not dare. Grima has always preferred to let someone else land the final blow.

[a-dauntless-daffodil]

never have i ever been so ???? as when someone was talking about merry, eowyn, the witch king and the whole "no living man" thing, and they loved the books very much were quoting them and everything... and they got hung up on the man thing.

as in, they were sure it was actually the burrow downs blade merry was carrying that made the witch king vulnerable to killing, with eowyn being the one to step up and K.O. him despite her shattered shield arm- which yes yes I am following along perfectly fine so far, tom bombadil strikes again, ok-

and the person was frustrated bc if the "no living man may hinder me" thing was true then what about merry isn't merry a man didn't merry hinder-

And I swear I sat there for a full ten minutes, staring.

the thing about the middle earth books is, almost everyone is a dude. it's the default. i couldn't even remember when characters referred to each other by gender specifically (outside of eowyn's arc) beyond polite titles like lord or king, because it'd be so weird. the default is always male. it's assumed. im still trying to remember if any of the hobbits were called men- halflings, shire folk, little ones, i remember them being described by the things that set them apart from the people around them, and that was always WHAT they were. short, mainly. or presumed rich and important, for pipin the halfling prince while in gondor

in the lord of the rings and the hobbit the gender norm is so universal the word "man" almost always means... humans. as opposed to, elves, dwarves, orcs, blah blah blah, hobbits yadda yadda

So it was just, shocking to hear someone talking about the "man" in the witch king's context as a gender thing

eowyn answers it like it is, but i always thought that was her being cheeky. her whole thing there is defiance so i just figured, well, she expects to die and wants to piss him off while she goes. sure she'd make a joke of his boast. no living man. well no living MAN am I. like a pun?

then a hobbit, not a man, stabs the dude with a blade made to hurt and weaken him, and a woman, not a man, gets him in the head with her sword right after

which subversion of the "man" thing killed him in the end?

"not by the hand of man will he fall"

teen me thought the prophecy had been man vs hobbit, originally, but eowyn herself ALSO made it woman vs man, because only she- a woman, alone of all the men who rode to battle- only she understood merry and thought it right to bring a hobbit into war,

(something something, the theme of the books about different people coming together to save their world, those long overlooked shaking the towers of them who never thought to fear them)

but prophecy aside, she eowyn- as a woman- also served up this witch king with his own arrogance and superiority, because this whole battle WAS mankind HINDERING him, wasn't it now? she IS standing in his way, hindering him as well. one of mankind killed him, and the woman who sent him packing made a mockery of his pride right before she did it.

"no living man" pssh. begone if you be not deathless. eowyn daughter of eomund is gonna hit you with her fucking sword even if it kills her

and isn't that what the mankind of middle earth were all about?

(glorfindel you were either slightly wrong or being a pest) (i'd almost bet pest tbh)

man, mankind, fought that battle on the pelennor fields against the witch king's might, though it took a woman specifically to bring together all the pieces that would finally make him fall (herself) (1 hobbit + dagger) (love for her family) (friendship) (urge to KILL)

but still humans are the lays potato chips of middle earth

no dwarven unbending will, no longevity or wisdom of elves, no magic, not even that hardiness of the heart that hobbits can push through on

boromir, eowyn, eomer, theoden- humans other than aragorn the elvish or faramir the wizardly- hell even grima... kinda...

they might fail and die and falter, but when the end comes, they throw their whole selves into it. they'll at least be a hindrance on their way out

what was i saying

oh whatever. eowyn killed the witch king with snark and he died mad about it or something