#Bilbo

[lizziela]

9 or 11, but 12 is tempting because I would fight Denethor II the whole 9 hours if he dared to look at Faramir the wrong way (which would be immediately...), Faramir would need to hold me down, or I would drag his father's face through the floor...

[robindraconis]

Bilbo: seductively takes off glasses Bilbo: Wow… Thorin: blushes Haha… what? Bilbo: You're really blurry.

[sindar-princeling]

Bilbo barely passed Old Took's record lifespan after having a supernaturally-life-extending ring for 60 years. which begs a question. what the hell did Old Took do

[themoonstonechronicler]

"why did the ring mostly affect frodo and not bilbo who had it for a gazillion years" objectively has a textual answer but i think the best answer is that sauron just likes bilbo more than frodo

bilbo: *uses the ring to hide from his relatives*

sauron, remembering almaren: yknow. real.

[chthonion]

I didn't boop half of you half as well as I should like, and I booped less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

[hagofbolding]

I’ve reprinted this Smaug risograph a few times now and I’m really digging the HOT fluorescent orange on brown paper in this batch 🤌 These have been restocked and are up in my shop!

[chechula]

Smaug and tiny Bilbo for art trade with my dear friend ♥ (she made dragon pottery for me, as her part of trade ♥ )

[starknesskenobi]

I love that canonically Sauron is an arts and crafts enjoyer like RIP Sauron my king you would've fucking loved the hot glue gun

[godsplatter]

honeybees n beds of hay in beorn's garden

[variousfandomthoughts]

The dwarves after eating at Bilbo’s house: See how we didn’t break the dishes and put them away? Very mindful, very demure.

Bilbo: I-

[jellyfish-perspective]

I'm sorry, but other than the egg one, all of Bilbo's riddles suck so bad. Gollum is coming prepared with five lovely, deeply disturbing little riddle-poems. They're guessable. They rhyme. They've got clear well-defined answers like 'time' and 'fish' and 'darkness'. The answer to one of Bilbo's riddles is literally "Fish on a little one-legged table, man at table sitting on a three-legged stool, the cat gets the bones" which is outrageous. That's not a thing. And then the actual winning riddle of the contest (albeit accidentally) is 'what does Bilbo have in his pocket?' which is obviously unfair. So I'm sorry, I know he's disgusting and a creature of the dark but Gollum should have won that contest fair and square and the story should have ended there and that is why you need an impartial referee to uphold a minimum quality level for your riddle contest lest you be robbed and ultimately die in a fiery death because of it.

[idontcarecarebear]

I love comparing book Thorin and to movie Thorin especially when they first meet Bilbo and book Thorin lands flat on his face being crushed by Bifur, Bofur and Bombur, pulls out a beautiful harp that he’s been carrying the whole time to the shire and even after they leave the shire, gives compliments to Bilbo about being a generous host and talks about the hair on his feet and movie Thorin just saunters in looking like a sexy mysterious man in the night ready to whisk away poor Bilbo but his brain wasn’t working quick enough to keep up with the charade and insults Bilbo instead.

And I love both of them and would love it if they both met and thought the other version was a complete moron.

[autistook]

Bilbo Baggins as text posts

[mosseater1973]

when you’re watching the lord of the rings, you don’t really get the full picture of just how insane it is that sam was able to defeat shelob in battle—in the book, tolkien spends literal paragraphs describing how ancient and powerful shelob is, how her skin is so tough that no warrior (NO warrior, like ever !) has been able to pierce it.

like sure sam had the phial of galadriel, but this guy is 3 and a half feet tall with absolutely zero training and he sent shelob crawling back into her little cave with nothing but pure rage. like OMG??? literal chihuahua of hobbits istg

[eglerieth]

Some of y’all are not appreciating Bilbo Baggins enough. I am here to remedy that. This guy has:

• somehow managed to establish himself as a respectable, staid hobbit by the time he was fifty, despite being both a grandson of Bullroarer Took and the Shire champion of pretty much every aiming-game known to hobbitkind

• had an in-depth debate on pleasantries with a random guy passing by in the street, who turned out to be GANDALF

• collapsed in front of his own fire shaking and muttering “struck by lightning” over and over again in response to hearing about dragons and danger

• mind you, this was after he screamed loud enough to startle a roomful of Dwarves

• signed up for a dangerous quest completely outside of his league out of spite

• when told to scout out a mysterious light, saw some trolls, and instead of reporting back with the information, decided to PICK THE TROLLS POCKET

• arrived in Rivendell for the first time and said it “smelled like elves”

• upon meeting a strange creature that visibly wanted to eat him, he decided to play a riddle game with him- and guessed pretty much every one, and made up his own riddles, afraid and alone, that not only were good and full of linguistic puns, but actually stumped the other guy- AND THEN CHEATED AND WON WITH A QUESTION

• showed mercy to said strange creature who wanted to kill him, and was now standing between him and freedom

• eavesdropped on the dwarves arguing over whether to try to save him, then popped up casually smack in the middle of them just as they were debating

• somehow managed to sleep like a log at the really really high eyrie full of wild predators

• found himself in a bad situation, said eff it, and turned around and antagonized and fought off an insane amount of man eating spiders, like enough of them that fifty was a small portion, by singing at them with incredibly complex and punny insulting songs composed on the spot, while simultaneously slaying them in multitudes despite having zero combat training. Seriously, we don’t discuss enough how epic the spider scene is.

• broke a company of dwarves out of the very secure prison of the Elvenking by inventing white water rafting with barrels

• charmed his way out of being eaten by a dragon

• stole the frickin Arkenstone from the guys who employed him, one of whom was a king

• took part in an epic battle, only to be knocked out in the first ten minutes and miss the entire thing

• was named elf-friend by the guy who’s prisoners he sprung

• wrote his own autobiography, complete with all the narrative recognition of his own heroics

• spent 60 years writing said autobiography

• taught his lower class neighbor’s kid how to read

• taught his nephew Elvish- not only Sindarin, but Quenya too

• spent decades telling his cousins his own story as fairy tales, complete with character impressions accurate enough that one of them was able to fool a servant of the Enemy with a second hand impression

• used the One Ring of Power to hide from his neighbors

• planned an elaborate feast with multiple social faux pas to mess with his neighbors, complete with a purposefully bewildering speech and culminating in him vanishing into thin air in front of everyone

• left his cousins and neighbors very unsubtle passive aggressive gifts in his will

• settled into Rivendell, randomly befriended the heir to the throne of like half of Middle Earth, and apparently spent his time writing very personal poems about his hosts and reciting them to crowds of elves

• after being invited to a Council of basically every major kingdom in the continent, spent a quarter of the time reciting vague poems about his friends, a quarter of the time telling anyone who would listen about his heroic past, and half the time interrupting to ask when lunch would be

• volunteered to bring the ring to Mordor

• became one of only four or five mortals in history to live in Valinor

Seriously, Bilbo Baggins may well be the most chaotic, insane person in the entire legendarium, and that includes the likes of people like Finrod “bit a werewolf to death to save the life of guy who he just met and gave up his kingdom for” Felagund.