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infinitewarden · 3 years ago

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Okay I'm going to phrase this in a more coherent manner than I did on my main.

So we all know that weapon names often reflect the loretabs that come with them and I've been wracking my brain for the past two weeks on why "Wolftone Draw" would be connected in any way to the tab about Osiris's perspective while he's trapped elsewhere.

Then I realized it was a musical term. A "wolf tone".

A wolf tone, or simply a "wolf", is a sustaining sympathetic artificial overtone that amplifies and expands the frequencies of a played musical note. It is produced when the pitch of the played note is close to a natural resonant frequency of the body of the musical instrument. A wolf tone is frequently accompanied by an oscillating beating (due to the uneven frequencies between the natural note and artificial overtone), which may be likened to the howling of a wolf.

Wikipedia

For those who have trouble picturing what that may sound like here's a video: (That also explains it a bit more clear than wikipedia does.)

youtube

Wolfs are inherent to stringed instruments, and they aren't necessarily always bad. They're considered flaws but it's possible to work around them. Let's connect this back to the Traveler.

We know that the Light isn't perfect, we know that the Traveler isn't perfect. In fact, the one who first seems to come to this conclusion (from what we know of) is Osiris.

"Oh. Let him go." Osiris releases. The Ghost dissipates. "Sagira?" "He needed someone strong. A fighter." "Nothing more?" Sagira pauses. "The Traveler was… wounded when it created us. That pain echoes. Some of us make choices we shouldn't. Some of us are scared. The process isn't streamlined." "Flaws." Osiris shrinks against the forest's aphotic density. If there are flaws in the Light, then it could be corrupted. It is not indomitable, and so in time would be challenged. "We're pieces of a whole, but distinct. Unique. You're not Mr. Perfect yourself." He would need to learn patience.

5: Moths to a Flame Part II

Hmmm....

We also know that music is... inherent to Destiny's narrative. There's even the connection between Osiris pursuing the tones Vance discovered with the Lighthouses. How does Vance describe the tones?

There was a hum; the timbre consisted of two distinct resonating tones—one smooth and warm, the other sharp and cold.

Chapter 4: Reflections

A resonating tone... a wolf tone is often described as just that.

Now... what exactly does a wolf have to do with Osiris?

There's more than one meaning that can be drawn from this as well. We all are aware (or at least most of us are) of the Traveler's connection with wolves. From being called Alpha Lupi to even the vision Clovis Bray had of the Traveler speaking to him as a wolf.

At this point it's become a bit of a meme for me but... I believe that Osiris is connected to the Traveler in ways we have yet to see. A couple weeks ago I drew upon a parallel between Wolftone Draw and Dreams of Alpha Lupi

Very little was left, you are sure, because you feel insignificant now. The hard slick heart of your soul: That is what remains. A body small as a river stone, and just as simple. You picture yourself as a piece of indigestible grit, a nameless nothing hiding among other nameless stones. Perhaps you glitter like a gem, yes. Pride makes you hope so. If only you could see yourself. But you have no eyes. Not the dimmest sense survives. What lives is memory, and what slim portion of these thoughts can you trust? The knife stole much more than your body.

Ghost Fragment: The Traveler 3

The slithering dark is cold against my face. I cannot speak, cannot breathe, I reach for Sagira but then I remember… I form a fist but feel nothing, I am bound, and as I thrash the images cut fissures through my mind— Someone… the Awoken prince? He helps me to my feet… but still I struggle in the dark, and now SHE is standing, thanking him, but she uses my voice, MY voice— She has stolen my form, my voice, but someone will see my failure and cast her out… they MUST— ... I am weeping but I cannot weep. I am nothing, only heat and hate, only sickness and shame.

Wolftone Draw

Do you see the similarities?

And at this point I'm sure you've all heard me say the phrase "here's how Speaker Osiris can still win" at least once but... I truly believe that there is more than we realize happening between Osiris and the Traveler.

Osiris's Light was... honestly incredibly strange in comparison to literally everyone else's Light. From making reflections and echoes to all of his elemental Light abilities even outside of Solar Light being gold. It's STRANGE, and he has often had a strange sort of... wisdom and knowledge that seems to often reflect the Traveler's.

Here's an example:

“The best voices,” she said, with infinite grief and unending hope, “never let themselves be heard at all. This lesson is worth teaching again and again. The choice is never mine. It is always yours.”

Clovis Bray's Logbook — Missing Pages: Third Vision

You must say just enough so that the few who can listen will hear. I have done all I can. The rest is up to you. You must trust in me. You must trust in yourself.

Future Safe 10

(As a side, I think it's important to note the prophecy in Future Safe 10.

See who's robed as if a god, who stands with pride above the rest! Destroy this ancient nameless fraud! Destroy the one whose death was blessed!

hmmmm)

So yeah. Uhhh. TL;DR Wolftone Draw has a double meaning: one in its musical meaning and another in its connection to wolves that the Traveler has and it's Totally all connected.

#lore.exe #theus.exe #osiris #destiny osiris #osiris destiny #this is all speculation btw #well most of it is #the stuff about what a wolf tone is true LKFJALSKDFJ #Youtube

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rosemary-is-in-pesterquest · 4 years ago

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I am. SO. frustrated. that they keep fucking up davekat. like I just wanna go off. just wanna go the fuck off, man, I didn't even ship them that hard at first but god damn I do now and it's pretty much because the epilogues and HS2 have fucked them up so bad and I know they are better than that. let me just.

okay so originally, davekat is built on themes of mutual defensiveness in response to insecurity. when Dave is first introduced, he portrays himself as a cool guy, and gives us the concept of Strider irony. where a normal person might claim to love something shitty as an ironic joke, or maybe the ironic joke masks sincere enjoyment... Strider irony, according to Dave, has a billion more levels of sincerity and insincerity, to the point where you have no idea what the real intent is. in part, this is due to teen pretentiousness... but in some ways this is a reflection of him genuinely finding his Bro unfathomable, and wanting to protect his own genuine thoughts, opinions, and interests from criticism, without actually coming off as insecure. as time goes by, you can watch him and figure out what is sincere and what isn't... he doesn't actually keep that tight of a lid on things, but that's partially because the game allows him more freedom than he usually has. he at least isn't living in his Bro's shadow anymore. some might extrapolate this to mean that he's experiencing more physical and mental security than usual, while others might just say he's coming into his own via this journey, but the fact of the matter is that he felt the need to hide behind this facade in the first place. and the tricky thing with Dave is that it isn't all fake. it's a weird mixture of who he is, who he wants to be, and what he thinks others will respond well to. his development isn't so much discarding the mask, as it is reconciling what it's made of, and incorporating it into his true self as he matures. he accepts it as a piece of him. it's very subtle, and natural, and true to what growing up is really like. I think this is why so many people like Dave and relate to him so much.

for Karkat, insecurity manifests in the form of being hyper critical of everyone around him. to be honest, this also comes from a deep sense of concern for the people around him, and the fact that his friend group is made of a bunch of loose canons who do destructive shit for fun, and people who are easily dragged into that sort of thing. but the thing that keeps Karkat's hyper critical nature from irritating people too much is that he's also super extra critical of himself. he admits it when he's done something wrong... though admittedly often after it's made people angry at him, and he has a good amount of very sincere apologies that he delivers so that they come off as very sincere and actually work in terms of reconciling with people. Karkat's biggest issue is that criticizing your own internal flaws and actually fixing them are two different things. and while Karkat can identify many problems with himself, he's not always the best at making them go away. it takes him a long time to learn how to change himself, because in order to change yourself, you have to accept the flawed parts of yourself and work with them, rather than just trying to push them out of your sight. this is why his anger at his past and future selves is ultimately unhealthy. it keeps him from truly addressing the fact that his current self is just as subject to those same flaws. for example, if he's talking to a past self and a future self, and his future self is condescending to him, and his past self is naive, then his present self is both of those things to his conversation partners. but he's so repulsed by his own negative attributes that he's not really dealing with them. his saving grace is that everyone can see how hard he's trying, and how worried and scared he is. ultimately, Karkat doesn't want to be the reason for screwing everyone over, and that's more concern for others than anyone ever asked for. it gains Karkat a lot of good will, without him necessarily even realizing what he's doing.

what's excellent about davekat is that they come out the gate fully critical of one another... but neither is willing to back down either. somehow, these two insecure idiots trick each other into defending themselves. and it's brilliant, because they get all their critical bullshit out of the way immediately. they don't fear criticism from one another. they already criticize one another all the time, and it's fine. like, their worst complaints about each other are right out there in the open, and how freeing must that be for a couple of guys who worry about other people's opinions of them so much? Dave has nothing to hide and nothing to prove. Karkat defends his own positive qualities. it's good for them. eventually, they just kind of run out of material... and there's something comforting about knowing that they've said every bad thing they can think of about each other, and none of it was a deal breaker. they're still in each other's business constantly. and that's when they start to learn from each other. see, Karkat is really blunt. he wanders into the thick of things, yelling at people and making mistakes all over the place... and Dave is just more cautious than that. his whole cool guy persona is made to keep that kind of raw emotion from leaking out, and to make every mistake seem like he meant to do that. but Karkat makes mistakes all the time. and apologizes all the time. and he comes out okay. Karkat is sincere. but Karkat is also high strung... and Dave isn't. Dave knows how to chill, and he plans things, and he can sit down with people and calmly talk through a plan. get it in simple terms and hash things out without panicking. Karkat often exhausts himself trying to run around and manage everything, and while it can be kind of endearing to see how much he cares... it's not exactly healthy. Dave has more of a level head, beyond just his cool kid persona, and isn't afraid to make people walk things back and take it from the top. and actually, what Dave and Karkat have in common is that they try really hard for the people around them, and feel great concern for the people they love. when the chips are down, they value similar things. and once they've run out of ineffectual ways to badmouth each other, that's what they have left. probably the thing that bugs them the most about each other is how much they actually have in common in terms of priorities. and while I do think that in their relationship, they'll probably always bicker with each other, that's the core foundation. they're caring people who look out for their group and try to help wherever they can. in essence... they're both knights through and through.

and then HS2 fucks it all up. legit why even confuse anything about their relationship? just let them uncontroversially date, keep it lowkey and tasteful, realize the wonderful potential of their friends razzing them about it a little, and write a better story for them to exist in. god damn. like, seriously, just give them more people to actually care about, because Dave and Karkat feel out of character if they aren't constantly in the lives of a plethora of friends who are important to them. look at them in homestuck. look at everything they do best. of course they wouldn't thrive in HS2, none of the cast even likes each other anymore!! Dave and Karkat were basically instrumental in setting up rosemary, which fits so well with all of their characterization its insane. I just want everyone to periodically go back, and reread homestuck, and remember when these characters were good people.

BASED WENDELL COMING IN WITH THEIR ANALYSIS BETTER THAN WHATEVER THE FUCK THE HS2 WRITERS SHIT OUT

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looniecartooni · 3 years ago

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@hawkasss‘s “Extremely Detailed Character Chart” applied to Tyki Mikk from D Gray Man-

Character Chart

Character’s full name: Tyki Mikk

Reason or meaning of name: “First Man” and “One who is like God?” possibly signifying his deeper connection with the Millenium Earl

Character’s nickname: Tyki-pon by The Millenium Earl

Reason for nickname: Not very clear. Kind of a silly “pet” name or close friend name. He isn’t much of a fan of it and it was only used once.

Birth date: December 25th, same as the main character’s adoption date

Physical appearance

Age: 27

How old does he/she appear: Definitely in his twenties

Weight: 150 lbs (currently)

Height: 6ft 2

Body build: Fairly muscular, but pretty average

Shape of face: Round, kind of a pointed chin

Eye color: Gold like most Noah

Glasses or contacts: When in his human form he wears glasses he found in the trash to hide his eyes and face mole. Doesn’t appear to need them though.

Skin tone: Usually pale, but became more tan after the showdown on the ark. In Noah form (depending on the interpretation) dark tan or gray

Distinguishing marks: Left eye has a tiny mole under it. Also has scars on his body.

Predominant features: Curly hair, large smile

Hair color: Black

Type of hair: Uhh... short? For a while it was long. Mostly straight, but has a bit of a curl to it

Hairstyle: In his Noah form, usually pushed back leaving a large bushel of hair going down the back of his head. When his hair is long, he likes to tie it back or in a side ponytail

Voice: Not too deep, quite sexy for a chain smoker

Overall attractiveness: Very attractive. He was made to be attractive and succeeded both in the story and in the fandom’s eyes

Physical disabilities: Can’t be on his feet for too long after the ark incident

Usual fashion of dress: Tends to dress in scruffy work clothes with overalls when he’s human and in a fancy Victorian suit with a top hat and one of those weird scarf things I forgot the name of, but that’s sometimes replaced by a back tie

Favorite outfit: I’d say he likes the work clothes or just a plain shirt and pants

Jewelry or accessories: Has been seen wearing earrings on several occasions. He also carries a deck of cards to play poker when he wants. His body is also full of robotic, flesh eating butterflies

Personality

Good personality traits: Kind, helpful, gets concerned when someone he knows is in trouble (whether or not they’re his enemy), friendly to everyone, understanding mostly to people’s situations

Bad personality traits: Murderous intent, can snap when provoked the wrong way, able to be a bit too charming when he’s ready to attack, likes to scam people in poker

Mood character is most often in: He’s usually pretty calm and chill. He smiles a lot, but has a pretty chill demeanor. He get bothered by others a lot though so he tends to look bothered a lot too. He is also notoriously known for being confused all the time on many of the story elements that have yet to be explained

Sense of humor: Not really sure. He laughs when he’s nervous or excited. Perhaps when things don’t play out how he thought they would or when there’s irony in a situation

Character’s greatest joy in life: Being able to live a double life as a Noah and a human

Character’s greatest fear: Losing his sense of self to his Noah side probably

Why? What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?: If he lost the ability to keep having a human side and no longer live a double life which may have already began to happen

Character is most at ease when: He’s in control, doing things right, understanding a situation, or hanging out with friends

Most ill at ease when: He’s losing or disappointing the Earl or something doesn’t seem safe. Or when people don’t listen to him

Enraged when: He isn’t able to get a task done

Depressed or sad when: He doesn’t know how to help the Earl

Priorities: Serve the Millenium Earl, eat fish, hang with friends, and play poker

Life philosophy: Life is more entertaining when there is two sides to it

If granted one wish, it would be: Probably to maintain control over his Noah side

Why? : Because he likes the ability to be a human too. He doesn’t want to lose that

Character’s soft spot: People missing their friends, people in pain, or needing time to themselves. Also his friend Eez. I also saw him kissing one of his butterflies once. He’s also concerned about the Earl’s feelings (and possibly others too)

Is this soft spot obvious to others?- Road and the Earl both notice his love for humans and wanting to hang with his friends, but mostly just acknowledge it and leave it be. His brother we learn about later doesn’t appear to be very understanding of Tyki’s love for living with street people and not preferring just to be of the upper-class of society.

Greatest strength: His kind heart and ability to observe

Greatest vulnerability or weakness: His obliviousness and anger

Biggest regret: Not killing the main character back when he was supposed to

Minor regret: Losing to the main character in a game of poker where the main character cheated

Biggest accomplishment: Telling the main character not to let the monsters inside of him control him. He has to be the one to show them who he wants to be. Not sure if it helped or he sees it as an accomplishment, but it was some pretty wise words for someone who seemed to be destined to be controlled by warring forces for the rest of his possibly short life.

Minor accomplishment: Getting out of doing Road’s homework that time he was given the task to kill the main character

Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Not killing Allen

Why?- People made fun of him for it and it made him look like a failure

Character’s darkest secret: He lives a double life

Does anyone else know?- It appears the Noah are well aware of it

Goals

Drives and motivations: Being able to see his friends again, protecting the Millenium Earl, poker, and food

Immediate goals: Capture “the Noah reaper”, keep the 14th Noah away from the Earl while figuring out who he is, and find out who Mana is

Long term goals: Keep the Earl safe and find out who the 14th and Mana are while maintaining control

How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Unsure. Probably by interrogation of other characters and more fighting.

How other characters will be affected: The Earl wants to see the 14th and the truth may be the thing that breaks him or the main character.

Past

Hometown: Somewhere in Portugal probably

Type of childhood: Most likely on the streets as an orphan, but we still don’t have any back story

Pets: Unknown

First memory: Unknown

Most important childhood memory: Unknown

Why: We don’t have a backstory yet!!!

Childhood hero: Probably the Millennium Earl. It’s implied he was taken in at a young age

Dream job: Anything as long as there’s food and he’s with his friends

Education: Never went to school, but was supposedly tutored by the Earl and helps with Road’s homework. He did learn how to write somewhere

Religion: Catholic most likely, given the story and who he’s with, but I could be wrong

Finances: Living by minimum Victorian lower-class wage or the Earl’s money (along with probably scammed poker items)

Present

Current location: His brother’s house maybe

Currently living with: Not really sure. Haven’t seen him with his friends, but we have seen him at his brother’s house a lot. His brother might have him trapped there

Pets: His brother has a dog

Religion: Whatever the Noah believe

Occupation: He was a miner with his friends. Not sure if that’s changed.

Finances: Brother or Earl’s money probably

Family

Mother: Unknown Relationship with her: Seriously Unknown

Father: Does the Earl count?

Relationship with him: He likes the Earl. Kind of scared and impressed with him. Occasionally embarrassed by him

Siblings: Older brother

Relationship with them: Tolerated to a degree, but tends to feel uncomfortable around him for... reasons. They do talk and I think have a form of care. They don’t quite understand eachother though

Spouse: None Relationship with him/her: Nothing yet

Children: He has a friend who is a child

Relationship with them: Tyki gets along with Teez pretty well, as well as his niece Road. His nephew can get annoying sometimes but he still cares for him.

Other important family members: Yet to be revealed

Favorites

Color: Image color is light blue and he has a light blue shirt so... Light blue? Maybe magenta or purple because of his butterflies, but that might be more of what the Earl likes. Wears a lot of black...

Least favorite color: Hasn’t expressed any hate for color that I know of

Music: Not sure

Food: Anything he eats with his friends, but he has a particular fondness for fish

Literature: Doesn’t read a lot

Form of entertainment: Poker, fishing, and hanging out with friends

Expressions: Eagerness???

Mode of transportation: Trains perhaps? So he can scam people- heheh... Might be the Ark though as he uses it pretty frequently. Probably more convenient

Most prized possession: Not entirely sure

Habits

Hobbies: Poker, fishing, and napping. He also likes collecting people he kills’s buttons and giving them to Teez

Plays a musical instrument? Be kind of fun if he did

Plays a sport? Fishing is a sport

How he/she would spend a rainy day: Playing poker, fishing (he definately would if it was pouring too), probably hanging out with friends or Noah family. Maybe take a nap

Spending habits: Food related probably

Smokes: Chain smoker

Drinks: He’s appeared to have drank Wine once or twice, but not really that often

Other drugs: I think he gets high on life and fighting

What does he/she do too much of?: Smoke, creative organ removing techniques

What does he/she do too little of?: Proper analying of sitations

Extremely skilled at: Combat, poker, fishing, and murder

Extremely unskilled at: Homework, defeating a 16 year old

Nervous tics: Puts hand on his face, chuckles

Usual body posture: Slups over when he’s relaxed, but actually keeps pretty good posture (probably instilled in him by the Earl and his brother)

Mannerisms: Calm, confidence, easy going

Peculiarities: You feel at ease around him which also makes you feel uneasy because you just know, even though he’s nice or acting nice, he most likely has something up his sleeve.

Traits

Optimist or pessimist?: Optimist. Seems to believe he has the high ground or people will comply to what he offers

Introvert or extrovert? Introvert. Likes to be alone or with a small group of individuals. Also not a fan of people being clingy (he’s like a cat. Don’t go to him, let him come to you)

Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil with a sense of caution. He doesn’t always think things through, but he does keep his guard up mostly. When he lets his guard down, bad things happen

Logical or emotional? Emotional. Worries about peoples feelings and does what makes him excited. Doesn’t always use logic, but he likes a good challenge

Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Disorderly I think

Prefers working or relaxing? Relaxing

Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Mostly confident, but he has been unsure on himself and situations before. When he’s too confident, he’s most vulnerable

Animal lover? Seems like one

Self-perception

How he/she feels about himself/herself: Seems to like their life

One word the character would use to describe self: Interesting

One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: I doubt he’d want to write a paragraph about it

What does the character consider his/her best personality trait?: His charm

What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait?: His cluelessness or lack of perception

What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic?: His “choose” ability

What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic?: Not sure. His hair being too long? Or being “handsome”? Kind of seems to be bothered by that.

How does the character think others perceive him/her: Trustworthy or lazy

What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: Probably how he looks. He already managed to get a hair cut and straighter hair

Relationships with others

Opinion of other people in general: He’s clueless but handsome and interesting

Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? Sometimes, but seems pretty expressive in a simplistic sense. That was hindered a little by becoming a Noah

Person character most hates: Apocrypos and possibly the 14th

Best friend(s): Eez, Momo, and Clark

Love interest(s): None that have appeared so far

Person character goes to for advice: Road

Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Eez, The Millenium Earl, occasionally the main character, seems to instinctually know how to handle his brother, the Earl when he feels like he made him upset, whoevr puts him under pressure

Person character feels shy or awkward around: his brother when said brother is upset

Person character openly admires: His friends and The Earl

Person character secretly admires: I think he’s secretly impressed by the main character’s tenacity, but I could be wrong (no- I do not ship them)

Most important person in character’s life before story starts: His friends and The Earl

After story starts: The Earl and figuring out who the 14th is

#d gray man #boy that took a long time!#dgm tyki #tyki mikk

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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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The Owl House: Enchanting Grom Fright: Happy Valentine’s Gays

Happy Valentine’s Day owl ladies, gentleman and non-binary folks! It’s time to finish off this holiday in proper style with a LONG overdue review of enchanting Grom Fright and even longer overdue coverage of the Owl House. The Owl House was one of the best debuts of last year if not THE best, only in contention because Close Enough also started last year and looks to surpass regular show in terms of quality. But with stunning animation, tons of representation, and colossal worldbuilding. And given how i’m on record for thinking Star Vs went so far down the tubes they bumped into where Cthulu is sleeping, it’s nice to have another magic based show that seems to be on the right track: carefully building i’ts world, supporting cast and for today’s topic main romance. It also rather than just obliquely hint one character was bi and the other pan, actually goes out of it’s way to have a bisexual protaginst with a gay love intrest. As my good friend @jess-the-vampire has brought up quite a bit, star had plnety of options. .but no willingness to actually campaign for any queer rep, the way Gravity Falls head Alex Hirsch tried to, he still gets credit for trying, and Owl House creator Dana Terrace gets full credit for.

Terrace got her start working on Gravity Falls in line production before working her way up to directing for ducktales, being instrumental in how Webby was animated and how she moves and acts, and being the director for several classic season one episodes including “Woo-Hoo!��, “The Spear of Selene” , “Day of the Only Child!” which was one of my faviorites from season 1 and “The Beagle Birthday Massacre!”. And while I can’t 100% confirm she’s the only part responsible for starting Weblena, given she was director on an episode where a lot of the romantic subtext was in the visuals, she certainly helped so thank you Dana. Thank you a lot. Their adorable. Point is she’s a talented lady and wasn’t satisfied with directing, so she pitched her own show, combining tons of ides and stuff including of all things, Pokemon Red. I checked the article wikipedia had sourced, it was one of her happy childhood memories as it was one of the last things her dad gave her. Awwwwwww. That’s as sweet as it is painful. She’s also currently dating Alex Hirsch, something I was entirely unaware of but find also adorable. Point is i’m glad I looked into her as she’s a very nice person, and very much my kind of weirdo and i’m happy for her sucess and her singuarly weird show that sprung from that sucess.

Now that part of it’s out of the way the episode itself was an uphill battle as you’d expect. As anyone familiar with this blog is aware, but just in case your new, you tend to hear me bitching about Disney’s handling of queer represntation a LOT

For the most part Disney’s pretty bad at it: There was the string of “FIRST GAY CHARACTER IN AN X” they had going for a while.. that consisted of a character I dind’t realize was gay, a kiss I didn’t see, and a talk with a character who I honestly wouldn’t of been looking for had disney not patted themselves on the back with some giant sized hands because htey saved some pym particles for that occasion. Ducktales was unable to have Penumbra come out as gay more clearly because I don’t know Ducks can’t be day.. but they can be IMPLIED to be gay or pansexual as hard as the crew possibly can so they win anyway. Pixar was able to have a gay lead character for one of it’s sparks shorts out and even focused on him coming out of the closet and it’s very good and something I WILL give Pixar credit for... but not Disney Plus who go out of their way to not mention the lead being gay.. despite the fact the short opens with a gay space cat riding a gay space dog out of a rainbow and then it being revaled our lead is in a relationship not long into the short. My point is the idiots who won’t watch this for having gay characters are just going to turn it off, who cares what they think, why are you like this Disney. They need to do better, and be better and i’m getting tired of this shit.

That being said... this episode is a step in the right directoin as despite having to get past one obstructive asshole, not her words but damn if it isn’t the truth, as the rest of hte execs were fine with having a gay character, Terrace fought hard for it and WON, having a clearly gay character, and a clear road to a gay romace as the lead one, all because she wanted some representation in her works. So to honor this, I present this review in honor of love, effort and saying screw you to not having represntation because money. Join me under the cut and allt hat.

We open in the owl house, in the owl house, duck dodge push and shove, it’s how we show our love in the.. you get the point. Luz is learning yet another Rune, this time plant runes.. and already something I love about the series pops up: the fact Luz’s rise in skill is gradual but noticable. Each spell noticably improves in potency with time, going from simple lights to shaping them into simple constructs, and learning to control or time her spells and glpyhs so they launch she she says so, with each one getting more powerful the more she learns. And on top of that osmething I just noticed on rewatch of this episode is her tecnique in finding them evolved, something I dind’t notice the first time because I hadn’t fully caught up and checked this one out to see if Disney would actually let them go through with it.. and they did. Point is her first spell is found by accident, her second by realizing how her magic works fundemntally, both require skilled deduction and on the fly thinking and casting, so she’s already pretty skilled.. but now sh’es ACTIVELY seeking out a new spell here for the first time. She knows how she gets them, she knows each school is tied to a form, and she likely got the plant from williow since that’s her thing and she’s a saint. A demon but also a saint. They can have those too. It’s what I assume relicor is.

I miss that goblin demon bat man. Point is it shows an evolution in Luz’s thinking: while it’s a subtle thing she took a more proactive approach this time even if it took a lot of practice.. and it pay soff as by the time of her next rune, while it’s once again sorta handed to her she has less time to learn it, almost none, and finds it singed onto a ball.. and learns it effortlessly to the point where by the next episode it’s a crucial plot point. IT’s subtle but clever character progression, and stuff I really enjoy, showing our hero going from a bit inept but not helpless or incomptient.. to a force to be reckconed with and far more clever and strategic than yo’ud expect given her sometimes reckless and almost always happy go lucky attitude.

Luz worries teaching King about the internet was a bad idea because he gets excited about a literal cat fight which .. yeah... it was a bad idea but not because of that.. but because next he finds someone saying the earth is flat and she wisely yanks it away. It’s.. very sad that the absolutley maddening and easily debunked flat earth theory is still RELATIVLEY more sane than the stuff we’ve had pop up during the trump era and the cornoavirus pandemic.

But one of the main conlficts of the episode pops up as Luz’s mom messages her and Luz can’t bring herself to tell her anything and just sends a thumbs up. I do think this episode helps even things from the pilot a bit as it was a bit lopsided: While I got that Camillia was genuinely struggling with how to deal with Luz, and was offered an out and had to take it... the fact she sees NO problem with the normalcy camp, which comes off intentioanlly or not a sa parallel to conversion camps or camps to make autistic kids “Normal”. And as someone whose both bisexual and autistic, I naturally relate to luz way more as someone whose intrests sometimes just don’t quite fit with everyone else, and who dosen’t get how bad some of their actions were. THat’s why this episode feels like a necessary course correction: Luz is shown to genuinely love her mama and feel guilty.. but we see camilia genuinlely loves and supports her daughter a bit more. While it was clear from the pilot this shows it more, with her genuinely just wanting to know her daughter’s okay and checking up on her, and giving me the feeling that possible consequences or no if something bad WAS happening or she didn’t hear from her for a long time, she would’ve drove up there to get her. It feels like the writers realized the implications they accidently created and wanted to fix it, though I can’t say for certain. But if so good on you for course correcting, not every show does that.

But King encourages her, telling her she’s doing the right thing by lying and to “trust the demon on your shoulder”. Keep this in mind for later, but that joke is great on it’s own. But soon i’ts time for school and Hooty.. barfs out Luz’s books for her.

I haven’t been this disturbed since.. (Looks at the clock) About 2 maybe three hours ago when I watched a man have, if apparently shorter than the oriiginal cut as I wanted to see everyone else’s reactions dammit, sex with hiis car which was possesed by the mad ghost of his dead wife. Because that’s the kind of stuff i’m into when i’m not reviewing stuff. And before that Tinky.. just everything about tinky.

I do not have enough time to get into TInky here or why he exestially horrifies me. Or why Jeff blim is a living god. I will save that for a proper review if I have the time tomorrow. Point is I saw a lot today and that still tops it. Willow and Gus are likewise grossed out and want to leave.

Cut to school where Luz wonders what’s with all the decorations.. that remind me of this honestly

And frankly given the whole state of the boiling isles it REALLY wouldn’t surprise me if the decorations were indeed well cooked faces. But i’ts Grom time, which means elaborate gromposals (Some Dude asks Skara out with a beating heart and an elaborate medical proposal.. which.. points for effort. And for using an actual heart. Couldn’t get one for mine. ), dancing and someone being chosen for Grom Queen. WHich Willow hints isn’t as nice as that sounds. Before we can get into that though Amity bumps into them and gets into a tizzy before meekly greeting “Luz.. and Co”. which.. not going to lie.. is my faviorite gag of the season. Just htw way she adds them and just the way Willow and Guz both smile widely at it as if to say “That’s us!”. Amity drops a note and snatches it back. This will be important later, you all know why, point is Amity becomes Grom Queen.. and is heavily depressed with Luz following her to find out why. At the gym.. she does indeed ifnd out why: Turns out Grom is not some mutation of an earthname but is based around a horrifying entity lurking beneath the isles, Gromethious the Fear Bringer, who emerges from his slumber once a year and must be fought back and brings out his target’s greatest fears. Just like groundhog day only with less time loops and rodent abuse. Amity is scared of hers, and i’ll obviously get into this more later, and Luz simply suggests asking bump to opt out and Amity appricates the support. Awwww.

Luz heads home and we find out Eda is chaperoning and King is mcing. Eda is also rocking a suit. Just damn girl, damn. But Luz considers taking her place.. and gets laughed at, with Eda assuming she’ll have to save her and King just being kind of a dick. I mean he’s a loveable thoroughly cuddly dick but he’s still a dick... just more like a stuffed plushie of one. So basically exactly like Tinky. Look I mention him more than once in this review he dosen’t put me in the bastard box. It’s a great system. Naturally this makes Luz more determined than ever to prove herself and she finds Amity in the night, with Amity having been unable to get out of it.. and Bumps a resonable guy, he just wants a substitute and no one wants the job.. except Luz who galdly volunteers and insists ntohing scares her before the giant spider on the back of her head proves otherwise. Because of course it does, spiders are fucking terrifying. Kill then all.. except the pokemon ones. Galvaltula are sweethearts. As are Ariadoses. Sweethearts who can elctorcute or poison you but still.

So the next way Luz begins preparing.. and by that I mean it’s time for training. Sadly we don’t get an episode of Luz and Amity getting trapped in an 80′s fashion montage... I mean yes Rise of the TMNT also did that plot the same year, but we had two diffrent plots about someone getting trapped in an eldtrich sitcom and a THIRD this year, all entertaingly unique. Though we do get Luz pulling out an otter suit that’s adorable and she sadly still hasn’t worn yet. “This one says i’m an otter, with a dark side”. She also got thrown out of a school dance for.. wearing an otter suit. Okay the other things we saw in the pilot were understandable but htis is just.. baffling. Who cares what you wear to a dance as long as it isn’t horribly racist of nothing at all.

Damn you flanders and your glorious ass. Point is Amity shows up and threatens hooty’s life because.. he’s hooty. The fact he isn’t dead already is a testiment to how badass he is and how much money he’d cost Eda to replace. Owl Tubes don’t come out of a stygian hole in the unvierse every day you know. That’s only every three years. It’s basic styigan owl tube science.

But Amity wants her to be ready and that she’ll have to face her greatest fear.. and cue hooty popping up, poking amity in the face and asking if she wants to know her greatest fear. Really he can clearly hear everything in the house given he heard that, so he heard the death threat he just chose to ignore it. That.. was a mistake. And by mistake I mean we get a hilarious cut to the outside of the house as Luz tries to stop her love intrest from murdering her second mom’s tube monster. The result is some bandages and an eyepatch. To be fair that last one was just flaring up from a previous beating.

For this solem task of training, Amity has brought in her local disaster bisexuals.. aka her twin siblgins Eldric and Elmyra, whose greatest fears are dying alone and being stuck with Eldric. Both understandable. They conjur luz’s greatest fears which are.. some of the funniest shit I heard all year.. and also very relatable. Human souls in cat bodies, which is genuinely terrifying good job Luz, Jerks on the internet who mansplain things, relatable, and soy milk.

But Amity knows this is just the openign act. it needs to be something deeper.. so while Luz dosen’t realize it’s probably her mom issues she brings up her issues with her other mom: that Eda dosen’t think she can do this. Hence we get a giant eda putting Luz in a babychair. Before we can unpack how wrong that sentence sounded, Eda comes out, and marvels at how hot giant her is. But she’s quickly distracted from sex with a giant version of herself, which is not an easy feat, by the relization “Wait Luz is going to fight grom isn’t she.. fuck i’m going to have to save her”, though Luz holds firm on doing it to prove she’s fine and dosen’t need to be saved constantly. it’s a good conflict. Eda IS right that Luz is not ready for this alone, that she’s overcompensating and that Eda would, in normal circumstances be the one to rescue her. As we’ll see it’s not her who does it but still, were this any other foe she probably would be. But Luz’s motivations are equally understandable: She wants to help her friend not have to do this and she wants to prove she can do it. She just wants her mentor, the only person in her life up to meeting her that GNEUINELY supported her in magic to respect her. To have faith in her and actually see how far she’s come. And given how her own mother writes off her dreams, if not unrealistically, and before this she had no friends or support system to speak of outside her mom, it’s easy to see why this is so improtant to Luz: she just wants to make the one person in her life whose ever support her actually think it was worth it when in truth Eda already thinks it does and just dosen’t want her to die.

She’s just not good with talking to her or not condescending to her as her own ego is stacked sky high, probably because the whole curse thing meant Eda was an outcast by default and the system wants to either chain her to one form of magic and one only or shackle her to them as a hired goon. Her ego, while justified, is also a defense mechanism: a way to shield herself from the fact almost no one cares about her and one of the few people who DOES, dosen’t care what she wants or needs. Once the curse happened she lost just about everything and had to rebuild and thus build up walls around herself and kept everyone else at arms length till Luz changed her for the better. It’s just a tragic clash of two wills both with similar problems but both unwilling to talk about them.

But with time up, our heroes need to get to the diggity dance. So they indeed do and we get some fun sight gags, Willow makes corsages, that one girl with the cresent head somehow ended up with Mathomule and is not happy, as anyone who ends up with him should. And it’s time for Luz to face her destiny.. in a tux with a tutu because of course, and Amity likes it because also of course.

IT’s time to rumble, with King getting nervous due to eda’s prodding about mcing since his co-mc gus is really good at it, and introducing our champion.

No wait sorry he’s still trapped in Mojoworld. no it’s still Luz who shows off a seasons worth of skill by easily dispatching the first few fears and saying to grom let’s finish it.. before grom puts a tentacle on her head.

It’s to downlaod her fear.. which is Camillia. Granted we could all see it coming but still Luz obviously can’t fight her own mother or her own overwhelming guilt.. her mom did hurt her.. but she gets why and just loves her and wants her to be proud but dosen’t know what to do: tell her the trutha nd possibly loose a happy and fufilling life or wait until it all blows up. It’s a painful choice. So luz and king end up running. King runs first because he can’t handle it and Gus talks him back into the groove while Luz runs away because she can’t fight her own mom, understandable, and Gus encourages king to lead the crowd which he does. Amity and Eda follow Luz.

So Luz is backed down, facing down a monster tha’ts going to go on to everyone else next if she fails... and Eda prepares to interfere.. but it’s AMITY who faces her fear and dives in. And we find out just what her fear was as grom turns into a humanoid shape and rips the letter in half.. it was a grom invitation. Though conviently the who it’s adressed to was ripped out.

And yeah not going to save this one: It’s Luz. You know it I know it I didn’t even hide it in the intro. Even before the reveal in a bit it was obvious. But it also makes perfect sense. I’ve avoided talking about her character arc up to this point because I was waiting for now. Amity’s growth is the third major arc of the season behind Luz’s slow learning of magic and eventually induction into hexside and eda’s curse, which I lump in with Lilith chasing her since both were mildly entertwined and then entirely are once the reveal hits in the finale. When we meet her she’s an outright bully.. but we slowly see there’s more there. That she’s not really HAPPY or content, is contstantly under pressure by her family name, is outright bullied by her own siblings who don’t understand her. So Luz coming in, seemingly only being intrested in magic because i’ts neat.. understandably bothers her. She’s not a great person, bullying her old best friend because tha’ts what’s expected and being close with outright bullies because of that.. but it’s through Luz she starts to grow, realizing Luz is genuinely nice and genuinely sorry for any trouble she caused Amity, and evne then both cases were causaed by Amity’s own dickishness and outside forces, so it’s easy to see why she defrosts faster. Her siblings realize they’ve genuinely hurt her, and actually try to be good siblings from then on and help her, and slowly Amity learns to truth luz, trust in her, and accept her... and thus accept her feelings for her. There are gradual hints she’s growing attracted to her.. but her walls had to come down first, and it wouldn’t of worked from the outset. The show cleverly has the two build a genuine friendship, two opposities who work well together, so when feelings do happen it feels natural. It’s not “I’m in love with this person because I have to because you can’t be friends with someone your attracted to” bullshit or anything like that, cough star vs cough, it’s just well built catching feelings. I’ts how this kind of thing SHOULD go: niether went in intending for this to happen.. it’s just happening.

And Amity’s reluctance is painfully understandable, as Luz is the ONLY friend and support she has. Sure she and willow are patching things up, but WIllow would understandably choose luz over her and she’s terrified of loosing the one good thing in her life. Of course Luz would either say yes, and probably will some day, or let her down gently, she’s nice.. but it’s also understandable to be afraid that someone won’t take the reveal well. I’ve been there trust me, it’s easier when you let it out even if you get rejected, but I get it being hard to let out because you don’t want to loose a friend. I did not, and niether would she, but I can see why she wouldn’t want ot take the plunge. At least not yet. We’ll see this summer hopefully.

But we do get a shiptastic, gorgeously aniamted scene of the two dancing an fightin gin perfect synch, combinging luz’s new use of plant magic with amity’s mastery of abominations resulting in the two utterly decimating grom, likely in part because with two fast moving targets he can’t get a lock on and likely nees more fear and mass to attack multiple targets at once. Or just more tendrils. it’s a quick, beautful sequence that’s utterly glorious, being framed as romantic as any hetero scene of the type and rightfully so. A triumph and well deserving of this praise.

Our heros have won, get crowns, and King gets praise. All is well.. except Luz drops the crown once she gets home because she feels like she failed and feels lost about her mom.. though at least king gets it “I’m king and queen, best of both things!”. You tell em sister.

So we end with Luz genuinely responding to her mom, with some montage stuff as we see Gus and Willow poke a fear blob, willow fears bugs, understandable and Gus fears clowns...

Also understandable. Though I didn’t put up a bug picture because

And Amity looks out folornly into the night. Camilla responds to Luz.. and mentions letters.. which while Luz brushes those off.. we see someone sent them. And by someone I probably mean king since we now know only eda and him had acess to the portal, and given he was actively encouraging her to lie.. yeah i’m supscious. But we’ll see next season. For now this episode is fan fucking tastic, showing off tons of character development, being representative and sweet as all hell.. and being really funny. Tons of great gags in this one including the turtle guy from an earlier episode being forced to be adisco ball. This is easily the series best so far and if you haven’t checked it out, please do it’s fantastic as is this show. Check both out. Until the next rainbow i’ts been a pleasure. Tommorow more disney shenanigans this time with pete. And also more of this possibly we’ll see what I get done.

Goodnight everybody!

#the owl house #lumity #luz noceda #amity blight #willow park #gus #eda clawthrone #king #principal bump #grometheious #enchanting grom fright #lbgtq+#disney #disney plus

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spiritus-sonne · 3 years ago

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"Celesvogel"

Details about my angel 'kintype

Honestly, I expected to wait at least several weeks, if not months, before making this writing, as I figured I’d have to do so much introspection and a lot of letting the thoughts just sit and simmer for an extended time before I would feel at all confirmed about saying I have a sixth ‘kintype. But I also realized that I can trace back feelings and experiences of this ‘type for over twenty years and I’ve actually been thinking on and off for the past few months what kind of alterhumanity I experience in regards to angels, especially since angel-hearted just didn’t seem to fit enough (though I may be angel-hearted, too, or it could just fall under the larger “monster-heartedness” I experience in relation to animalistic humanoids). Once I actually stopped to question why I wasn’t ever considering myself to have an angel ‘kintype and realized my reasoning basically came down to it “being too symbolic” in origin and that now I don’t see that as a valid sole reason to exclude it as a ‘kintype, a flood of thoughts came in and occupied my mind for the better part of a day relating to this angel aspect and why it may be a ‘kintype for me.

I did question if it’s really even an integral, deep part of myself and my identity and I realized the experiences I’ve had that provide a “yes” in answer to that. This is rather different than the processes I went through to figure out my other ‘kintypes (as either what kind of animal/creature they are or in just verifying to myself whether they were ‘kintypes or something else), but I feel like I sort of ‘blocked off’ part of my angel self, I created a kind of dam from recognizing it as the level and type of aspect it now seems to have always been, or at least developed into many years ago. Sure, I fully admit I could be wrong about this and maybe months or years down the road I will change my mind and realize this aspect isn’t a ‘kintype. But for now, I feel comfortable and good about believing it is a ‘kintype.

Because this kind of angel is so different from how most angelkin describe being such, even though it does hold notable similarities to popular and historical concepts of angels, so I’ve decided to coin my own ‘species’ term for it: celesvogel (based on celestial and the German word for bird, “vogel”). Heck, I already coined a species-specific term for my vampire ‘type and theropod ‘type, so this is basically right in line with that and allows me to more easily specify what kind of angel I’m talking about in my writing. Although it does seem to be largely based on my personal symbolic associations with the concept of angels, the experience itself is more than just symbolic. I’ve put together information about celesvogels based on my experiences and on, essentially, noemata I have of them--an intuitive knowledge that I pieced together through questioning different attributes and such of them.

I read what various other angelkin described as being the main attributes of what makes angels actually angels and found that though I related to and agreed with some of it, there was a lot I didn’t. In particular, most of them I read had largely Abrahamic, especially Christian, concepts of angels which I don’t connect with. I do not view celesvogels as being “servants of a monotheistic God”, or probably to any deities--they aren’t servants, at least not as followers in service to something. They don’t act the way they do because a higher power commands them to, they do it because that is how they are mentally and instinctively wired to act. They do hold some similarities in mind to that of humans, but they are far from mentally (let alone in body or power) being humans and shouldn’t be thought of as needing to act in a way that is “more human”. Due to their total lack of want, need, or ability to reproduce (they don’t have reproductive organs, for one, nor any other means to reproduce), I deciphered that they are probably created by some form of deity or other powerful entity, but not in the sense to be servants to that entity. Rather, they fulfill a purpose intended by the deity through their acts, behaviors, and instinct because that is just how they are as creatures, even without them having any knowledge or concept whatsoever of that particular deity or any deities, let alone them having conscious knowledge that what they are doing is specifically because a deity *wills* it. They are as much servants of a deity as whatever organism, including humans, are servants to evolution. They don’t act as they do because they are commanded to, they do it because it is in their inherent nature.

This, however, makes the concept of their free will kind of grey. I feel like they do have the ability to make at least some choices freely while others they do because that’s just how they are wired and they don’t even have the want to go against them. Again, this goes back to what I mentioned earlier to not try to “humanize” them--just because extensive free will is so important to us as humans, that doesn’t mean it holds the same weight for all creatures, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. A creature doesn’t have to be oh-so human mentally and behaviorally in order to be “valid”, let alone good or even helpful. I feel that, ultimately, they still choose to make the actions they do toward or about a charge or whatever is in their stewardship--they still have to balance complex situations with questions of morals and ethics, including in ways that, honestly, I don’t fully understand right now--I feel I am part celesvogel, not fully one, when it comes down to it. Their actions have consequences, whether good, bad, or otherwise, and the actions of their charges have consequences, too, which the celesvogels have to weigh what to do or not to do. They have the ability to think and reason, and to learn from circumstances. To my understanding, they can’t “fall” since that would kind of go against what I described above.

The concept of angels as messengers of the divine doesn’t resonate to me for celesvogels, at the least not in any kind of direct sense of being messengers. Again, technically they may ultimately be tools, instruments, of a divine being to do whatever work it sees fit, and through that they could be seen as ‘delivering divine messages’ to their charges. Their duties involve things like stewardship to things, such as environments and ecosystems, as also being guides and/or guardians to charges (whether human or not), and even act as inspiration/creative muses. I also wouldn’t really call them warriors, but they can be very determined and fierce, especially when it comes to protecting something or someone. They aren’t mindless creatures of instinct either, nor are they devoid of emotion and personality--they have a spectrum of emotions, and such helps them bond further with and protect their charges, and they each have their own particular personality. I don’t think they have things like rank/hierarchy, including archangels, though they seem to have different roles based on the particular kind of duty they are doing (sentry, caretaker, guide, steward, etc.) that can vary over the course of their lives. Celesvogels also aren’t “fluffy” in what they do--they aren’t perfect beings, nor are they totally benevolent, and if anything they act as helpers and possibly balancers.

In regards to their bodies and appearance, they have incorporeal bodies rather than physical ones and have mental and spiritual abilities to allow them to communicate with physical beings. They are also capable of flight. I’m unsure what their forms would look like, beyond having feathered, bird-like wings on their backs, though I tend to think they have some level of shapeshifting ability--to what extent I don’t currently know, but their body form except for their wings seems to me almost arbitrary and not a big part of who, what, and the way they are. I think they aren’t particularly social with one another either and they are totally asexual and aromantic. Gender is also either null to them or fluid in the sense of changing based on shifting their forms. They also sometimes vocalize in what sounds like song--kind of like language-less choir singing. Perhaps they do it as one form of communication with their charges or even for the sake of self-expression.

Even though I don’t consider celesvogels to be “warriors” proper, I feel like they were still fierce protectors against incorporeal threats and with that they at times wielded swords or perhaps other melee weapons to use. I sometimes feel like I should be skilled in some kind of melee weaponry, and can feel the weight of a sword or some other weapon from my hand or sitting across my shoulder along with some objects evoking that sensation more when I hold them. I don’t feel remotely similar about ranged weapons, especially guns, and have retained a strong preference in fighting games toward using certain kinds of melee weaponry (particularly fond of the “Soul Calibur” game series). I remain unsure for now about whether celesvogels would receive any weaponry or fighting training or if they would just have innate knowledge of good ways to fight. I know when it comes to me in fighting games I am a button-masher who doesn't take time to think carefully about the opponent's moves and blocking or parrying them, but this is probably a lot because of my slow cognitive processing, so I actually can't think fast enough to react to the opponent's moves properly. I would like to think I could think and react faster as an actual-in-body angel. This weaponry aspect is also why the few original characters I have are wielders of melee-style weapons even though they live in a time similar to our modern era of technology and advanced guns. Though I don’t have the money nor great enough reason to seek out training to use some kind of melee weapon in real life.

Also on the subject of my OCs, my main one possesses some qualities of celesvogels. Actually, one of her names is “Angellore”, which was based on a Tristania song of the same name in which I first envisioned her. She’s a shapeshifter with a human, partially human, and fully nonhuman form, and she is a mix of human, domestic cat, and crow. In her partially human form, she has white (or mainly white) feathered wings on her back, a cat’s tail, claws, pointed ears, fangs, some feathers on the upper portion of her face, and solid black eyes. She wields a bladed staff and sharpened sais as her weapons. Angellore is also able to fly in that partially human form and is basically an “airbender” (to borrow a term from the “Avatar: The Last Airbender” universe). But it’s really just certain aspects of her personality and behavior, and the mix between feline, avian, and human which make her feel kind of “angelic”-based to me, especially a similarity to celesvogels in particular. My own experiences in being angel are marked by a similar such mix of avian, human, and other creature (perhaps feline--I already experience that from my cat theriotype and from my vampire ‘kintype, so it’s too hard to decipher currently); a blend of human and nonhuman animal.

Knowing all this, I honestly don’t even think these beings ever actually existed in this realm/universe, but heck, perhaps they could have or do. For me, this is a psychological experience, like my other ‘kintypes. As I have read and skimmed over various posts and forum threads about angelkin I feel a lack of a sense of belonging amongst them, for the most part. I can’t relate to the religious nor deity-based things, but even still, I’ve never actually found a notable sense of belonging in the therian and otherkin communities either, despite my care for them and irregular activity within them (I’ve always mostly lurked rather than been active). It’s interesting though that both my vampire and angel ‘types in some way keep me connected to the therian and otherkin communities--through my vampire ‘type I get times of being filled with wanting to have more of a voice and confidence in myself, and through angel I feel like trying to help others in some significant way.

#otherkin #angelkin #alterhuman

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songsofacagedbird · 3 years ago

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you’re something out of a dream

a love letter to luxor’s balo driskell

While I think tissues are needed at this point for all three of these playlists, can I just say with Balo’s I think they’re especially needed? Maybe I’m just extra soft for Balo in general but hers personally made me the most emotional, she definitely went hard with this one. Anyway, it covers the entire Luxor timeline for her just about, major plot points and stuff, but a bit less so the reveal of her main secret that occurred during graduation honestly - as this playlist was made before that and given it took me ages to perfect the end, I’m just going to leave it be.

Again, there’s references to other muses / plot points littered throughout, as well as references to eating disorders and a couple nicer things like her love for art. I’d also like to thank Lex for her help during these playlists, from the idea itself to helping me test listen yet again, this is going to be a pattern in these descriptions and I’m sorry for anyone who like “Katie stfu” already but genuinely it’s really thanks to her that these even exist and honestly they’re actually some of the playlists I am most proud of to date.

Please keep in mind that the standard Balo triggers apply (mental health, eating disorders, abuse / child abuse). Any additional tws will be noted on their sections if they apply.

in dreams you will lose your heartaches. whatever you wish for, you keep | pre-luxor (aka pre-rp):

balo before luxor, navigating her life

Song of the Caged Bird (Lindsey Stirling) [ instrumental ] // Castle On A Cloud (Isabelle Allen) [ I know a place where no ones lost. I know a place where no one cries. Crying at all is not allowed, not in my castle on a cloud. ] // Paint the Pictures (of Verona) [ I paint the picture of the oceans I'll never see. I hold a candle through the darkness so I believe. ] // almost home (mxmtoon) [ No one ever says all the love you give might not be enough. Broke my heart in two a couple times before it hurt too much. ] // A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes (Lily James) [ Have faith in your dreams and someday your rainbow will come smiling through. No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing the dream that you wish will come true. ]

does it hurt to see how our smiles have changed, my friend? | summer & fall 2019:

the period of time I was playing Balo in Luxor originally, from June 2019 right up until her intervention in October

Friends In The Corner (Foxes) [ Do you need someone? Everybody's looking like they need someone. All of my friends in the corner, everybody's looking like they need someone. Pretending we don't fear the morning. ] // Scars To Your Beautiful (Alessia Cara) [ She says, “beauty is pain and there's beauty in everything. What's a little bit of hunger? I could go a little while longer,” she fades away. ] // Never Gonna Let You Down (Colbie Caillat) [ I'm never gonna let you down, I'm always gonna build you up. When you're feeling lost, I will always find you, love. ] // Running with the Wolves (AURORA) [ There's blood on your lies, the scars open wide. There is nowhere for you to hide, the hunter's moon is shinin'. ] // She Is the Sunlight (Trading Yesterday) [ And it will take this life of regret for my heart to learn to forget. Tomorrow will be as it always has been, and I will fall to her again. ]

you keep trying to get inside my head while i keep trying to lose the words you said | winter 2019 & early Spring 2020:

Balo’s hospitalization, and the time at home following it.

All the King's Horses (Karmina) [ Is it still a home when you're all alone? All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put me back together again. ] // Safe (Britt Nicole) [ Oh no, my walls are gonna break. So close, it's more than I can take. I'm so tired of turning and running away. ] // Lost Boy (Ruth B.) [ There was a time when I was alone, no where to go and no place to call home. My only friend was the man in the moon, and even sometimes he would go away too. ] // Keep Your Head Up (Ben Howard) [ 'Cause I'll always remember you the same, eyes like wild flowers with your demons of change. ] // Wake Me Up (Madilyn Bailey) [ They tell me I'm too young to understand. They say I'm caught up in a dream. My life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes, well that's fine by me. ] // Dance (Foxes) [ I want you, got no shame. This therapy's gone to waste; when the midnight hour comes in vain, you're in my head, you say my name. ]

what the fuck are perfect places anyway? | spring 2020:

Balo’s return to Luxor, leading up to her breakdown at prom additional tws: drugs and alcohol (perfect places)

Good Day for Dreaming (Ruelle) [ There's a hope, there's a spark, there's a fire. There's a light in the dark burning brighter. It's a good day for dreaming. ] // Perfect Places (Lorde) [ All of our heroes fading, now I can't stand to be alone. Let's go to perfect places! ] // prom dress (mxmtoon) [ I'm sitting here, crying in my prom dress. I'd be the prom queen if crying was a contest. Makeup is running down, feelings are all around. How did I get here? I need to know... ]

i would sell my sorry soul if i could have it all | summer 2020:

summer camp adventures, and the starts of questioning who she is

Live Life (Zayde Wølf) [ Sometimes I think that I'm the dreamer, the one that's standing all alone. Sometimes it feels like it's forever since I've truly felt at home. ] // Celeste (Ezra Vine) [ You're something out of a dream, messing with my head and I've been looking for you. Are you hiding? ] // The State of Dreaming (MARINA) [ If only you knew my dear, how I live my life in fear. ] // If Only (Dove Cameron) [ If only I knew what my heart was telling me. Don't know what I'm feeling; is this just a dream? If only I could read the signs in front of me, I could find the way to who I'm meant to be. ]

my heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with | fall & winter 2020:

balo’s disownment, her breakup with kitty, and coming to terms with them

raindrops {an angel cried} (Ariana Grande) [ The day you left me, an angel cried. ] // Because of You (Kelly Clarkson) [ I was so young, you should have known better than to lean on me. You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain, and now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing. ] // human (Christina Perri) [ Your words in my head, knives in my heart, you build me up and then I fall apart 'cause I'm only human. ] // Illusion (Zedd feat. Echosmith) [ It feels like the fairytale is over. I really wanted these pages to begin with once upon a time like all those lullabies. I should've known better. ] // Cry (Kelly Clarkson) [ Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really cry? ] // drivers license (Olivia Rodrigo) [ Sidewalks we crossed. I still hear your voice in the traffic, we're laughing over all the noise. God, I'm so blue, know we're through, but I still fuckin' love you. ] // Until The Sun Comes Up (Gabrielle Aplin) [ Do you want to get lost? Go waste our time, lose this city skyline. Be so much better if you're by my side, find myself and lose my mind; think I need a moment to re-align. ] // Part Of Me (Katy Perry) [ Throw your sticks and your stones, throw your bombs and your blows but you're not gonna break my soul. ] // Love Not Loving You (Foxes) [ You were always giving me all of your insecurities. How could you do it? You knew what you were doing to me. ] // no tears left to cry (Ariana Grande) [ Right now, I'm in a state of mind I wanna be in like all the time, ain't got no tears left to cry. ]

you forgive, you forget, but you never let it go | spring 2021:

her classmates choice in the gym, and it’s aftermath additional tws: drowning (When the Storm is Over)

Bad Blood (Taylor Swift feat. Kendrick Lamar) [ Remember when you thought I'd take a loss? Don't you remember? You thought that I would need ya, follow procedure, remember? Oh, wait, you got amnesia. ] // Talking to Ghosts (Foxes) [ And I can be your guiding light if you just let me, but I can’t be your guiding light if you have left me. ] // When The Storm Is Over (Sofia Karlberg) [ But when it comes down something in the air says we're 'bout to drown. Baby, we wеren't meant for closure, tеll me when the storm is over. ] // Try (Colbie Caillat) [ You don't have to try so hard, you don't have to give it all away. You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up, you don't have to change a single thing ] // Still Have Me (Demi Lovato) [ So take my faith but 'least I still believe (I still believe, in me), and that's all I need. I don't have much but 'least I still have me. ]

and i don't really care if nobody else believes ‘cause i've still got a lot of fight left in me | early summer 2021:

the story of therapy, the start of recovery, learning to love oneself, and a little bit of romance.

Daisies - Acoustic (Katy Perry) [ They told me I was out there, tried to knock me down. Took those sticks and stones, showed 'em I could build a house. They tell me that I'm crazy, but I'll never let 'em change me 'til they cover me in daisies. ] // Home (Gabrielle Aplin) [ I'm a phoenix in the water, a fish that's learnt to fly. And I've always been a daughter but feathers are meant for the sky. ] // Change (Taylor Swift) [ ’Cause these things will change, can you feel it now? These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down. ] // Dear Happy (Gabrielle Aplin) [ Don't you worry, oh no, don't be alarmed. I'm just working it out here, working it out here. I'm somebody with a recovering heart, you've waited there for me, keep waiting there for me. ] // Fight Song (Rachel Platten) [ And all those things I didn't say, wrecking balls inside my brain. I will scream them loud tonight, can you hear my voice this time? ] // Catch My Breath (Kelly Clarkson) [ Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show. Now that you know, this is my life, I won't be told what's supposed to be right. ] // Wildflowers (Elle Fanning) [ Wildflowers you brought me are crumbled in my hands. This love that you taught me, I still don't understand. ] // Begin Again (Taylor Swift) [ And for the first time, what's past is past. 'Cause you throw your head back laughing like a little kid, I think it's strange that you think I'm funny 'cause he never did. ] // Let's Sort The Whole Thing Out (Carly Rae Jepsen) [ I love you, this is a new thing. One more drink, let's get to the bottom of it. I love you, let's sort the whole thing out. ] // Youth (Foxes) [ And as we cross the line, these fading beats have all been severed. Don't tell me our youth is running out, it's only just begun. ] // Soft to Be Strong (MARINA) [ I took my bitterness and made it sweet, I took a broken heart and made it beat. ] // Way Less Sad (AJR) [ Don't you love it? Don't you lovе it? No, I ain't happy yet, but I'm way less sad. ]

#musings ( playlists )#a dream is a wish your heart makes ( musings )#eating disorder tw #abuse tw #child abuse tw #disownment tw #drugs tw #alcohol tw #drowning tw

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hatboyproject · 3 years ago

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Synth Anthropomorphisation

I've been generating audio all day for this romance scene script & Jeff's synth is behaving unusually well for his lines, so far. Suspiciously well. Sometimes, I swear it's as if he has a mind of his own & today, he just decided to cooperate with me for some reason.

Sometimes, I have to fight with him to get a decent read out of a line. At his worst, I have to sit there for upwards of an hour, tweaking the same three or four seconds' worth of speech, trying to coax him to read it with the inflection that I need. Sometimes I have to adjust the script's wording to make him "like it" better, or splice together multiple takes to get a word said in the way I like. Occasionally, I have to do even further pitch correction post-generation, and even after all that, I can still end up with a line read that I know isn't working all that well. It can sometimes be a really, really, really mentally draining task. I swear he's more temperamental on some days than others. On different days, I've generated the same line and got a slightly different read.

But today, he seems to like me, a little bit. I'm most of the way through the script now, and I've had to do relatively few corrections on most of them. In fact, he's come out with a few pretty acceptable reads with no corrections at all, and I've just tweaked them as if giving a director's suggestion rather than pushing an instrument around.

I'm aware that I sound like a raving lunatic at the moment and if the weather's decent tomorrow, I swear I'll go outside and touch some grass, but it's hard sometimes not to feel like the goddamned machine hasn't only learned how to enunciate speech like this actor, but has also learned me.

Of course, the logical explanation is that I'm just better at using it and predicting what words he has trouble with, but sometimes, I swear.

Now, FemShep, on the other hand... She's a tricky beast. She likes to get one half of a two sentence line absolutely perfect and crystalline, complete with little breathy flairs and smooth tonal transitions, and then mumble the other half like some kind of stumbling drunk. For almost every FemShep line with more than one sentence, no matter how short, I have to split the lines into multiple takes. The problem is that to keep tone and pitch natural, it's best to include as much of the whole phrase as possible so that it flows. But no, not on Shepard's watch. She loves nothing more than to make me chop everything she says up and stick it together. I swear.

Synth Personalities, as I Understand Them:

Jeff is ornery, but is essentially committed, and if you catch him at the right time, almost affectionate in his willingness to cooperate. Despite sounding dry by default most of the time, it's easy to direct him towards sounding surprisingly tender. Needs larger words spelled phonetically. He is a pilot who can't say the word "fly" without creative assistance and refuses to say his own surname under any circumstances whatsoever. Extremely responsive to punctuation and will alter his reads accordingly.

Shepard is a highly skilled loose cannon that does whatever the hell she wants on her own terms, and occasionally it's miraculous, but it's also always confusing. Can't pronounce "evacuate," no matter how you break it down phonetically. She likes it when you draw out her R, S and H sounds, particularly at the ends of words so she can do this breathy thing. I don't know, but it works. Doesn't give a damn about punctuation unless it's commas or full stops, and even then, only if she feels like it.

EDI does pretty much anything you ask of her, flawlessly, the first time. Any corrections are minimal, and she can handle multiple sentences without sounding awkward. She can handle complicated words like "xenopsychology" with minimal assistance. Always pronounces "Shepard" with good inflection wherever it is in the sentence. Naturally produces deadpan lines with perfect comedic timing. What the fuck.

Garrus is a rambling speaker and is very accepting of unusual words, such as people's names. He takes direction well for the most part, and is excellent when it comes to split clauses. His tone is easy to moderate, but has trouble not joining separate sentences together too quickly. Always needs the "y" in "you" to be lengthened. Easily sounds affectionate or dictatorial. Can even be made to sound as though he is smiling when speaking. Often needs vowels shortening on the ends of words or he will draw them out unreasonably until they disintegrate into nonsense.

Kaidan has perfect tonal variation and terrible artefacting. He sounds like he's reading you the most beautiful, heartfelt thing you're ever gonna hear... From five thousand light-years away on a bad transceiver. He does his best, and his best is surprisingly good at core, but he is tragically limited in overall clarity by quality problems. It's a snap to make him sound caring and romantic, but again... Get a better phone. Usually says "Shepard" too enthusiastically and has to have the letters pitch-altered to fit the rest of the sentence.

Thane sounds confused a lot. Often sounds like he isn't sure about what he's saying, his tone on un-adjusted sentences is usually slightly absent sounding in a way that's difficult to describe. Surprisingly versatile where it comes to trying to copy the weird "Baby Siha" meme. If you don't know what that is, go ahead and look it up, but only if there's a shower nearby, because hearing it will make you feel slimy and uncomfortable in ways you didn't think was possible. Chuckles pretty convincingly.

Male Shepard wants to know what's going on, but first, he will try to explain what's going on as best he understands it being under the effects of god knows what. He often sounds declarative, but in that drunken frat boy kind of way that makes you want to back away slowly and not make eye contact. If he feels like saying your line, though, he'll do it with an impressive capability for mimicking Meer's sometimes unusual style of delivery.

Can't wait to test Jack and Miranda. I bet Jack can swear with incredibly life-like inflection.

#hatboyproject #shoker mod #jeff joker moreau #mass effect #xVASynth #mass effect modding

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runpogorun · 4 years ago

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Show Me Your Scars

Here is my DDE 2021 New Year’s Day fic @daredevilexchange (a few days late, shhh) for @matt-murdok. Sorry it was late, but I hope it was worth the wait!

This is set in that horrible time after season 2, when Matt and Foggy aren't on good terms. Matt is working with the Defenders. @metaderivative and @iheartallthethings were amazing with their help on this fic.

Read it here, or over on AO3.

Enjoy!

_____

Foggy doesn't bother to announce his arrival with a knock. If Matt is conscious, he'll have heard Foggy long before he slid his key into the door. If Matt hasn't heard him… well, Foggy isn't letting himself think about unconsciousness, or worse.

It's dark in Matt’s entryway, of course, vague blotches of colour mottling the cavern that Matt uses as a lounge. Foggy drops his keys and a sigh on the side table, and flicks on the hall light. He can see a tuft of dark hair at the end of the couch, and his back is thankful he won't be scraping Matt off the floor.

"What are you doing here, Foggy?" Matt's coherent, even. Wonders will never cease.

"You know, it's great being wanted." Foggy nearly turns on his heel to leave, but he doesn't. Instead, he takes slow, deliberate steps, as he moves away from the warm light of the hall and towards the purplish billboard-lit gloom of the lounge. "It makes my day. Or, whatever you call this sort of time."

Matt grunts but doesn't turn his head to track Foggy as he ambles over to perch on the edge of the coffee table. Matt's half-sitting, stretched out full length. His eyes are closed, and he looks pinched, in pain, even as the lights dance across his face. Foggy can’t identify any visible injuries. "There's no reason for you to be here," Matt says.

"That's where you're wrong." Foggy waits, but Matt gives him nothing more, so he sighs. Matt seems to make him sigh more and more these days. He decides to stick to fact. "Jones told me you might need a welfare check."

Matt shakes his head slightly without opening his eyes, so Foggy stops trying. He stands, walks to the kitchen and fills a glass with water, snagging a bottle of pills from the shelf on his way back. He puts the glass on the coffee table, where Matt can reach it easily, and shakes the bottle before throwing it on Matt's stomach. "Ibuprofen." Matt opens his eyes, picks up the bottle and runs his fingers over the braille label, like he doesn't believe Foggy and needs to confirm for himself.

Foggy thrusts his hands in his pockets and watches as Matt twists the cap off the bottle with some difficulty, and shakes out two capsules. He swallows the pills, then reaches out, groping for the glass, but his aim’s off. He must be feeling pretty bad. Foggy takes Matt’s flailing hand and guides it to the glass.

“Thanks,” Matt says, grudging. Foggy knows how much Matt hates feeling helpless, so he shrugs. Matt drains the glass, and manages to get it back on the coffee table without smashing it. “I’m fine, really.”

“Yeah, sure,” Foggy says. Matt really does look miserable. He has dark circles under his eyes, and his breaths come short. Foggy casts about and spots a blanket hanging over the back of one of the armchairs. He picks it up, shakes it out, spreads it over Matt. God, he hates this asshole. “Ribs?”

Matt nods, curtly, then says, “You don’t need to stay.”

“Oh, I know.” Foggy paces over to the window and looks through one of the grimy panes, down into the darkened alley, still with the heavy humidity of summer, then back over his shoulder. “Want to tell me what happened tonight?”

“C’mon, Foggy. What do you want here?” Matt squirms slightly, pulling the blanket around himself.

“Whatever. I’ll get out of your hair.” Foggy turns and leans against the brickwork, holds up a finger. “Just tell me one thing.”

Matt raises a questioning brow, as his hands squeeze the blanket.

“What’s CPLR 3211?” Foggy asks.

Matt frowns in confusion. “What?”

“You heard me. CPLR 3211. What is it? What’s it for?”

“Motion to dismiss?” Matt replies. “Or is this something cryptic?”

Foggy relaxes and wanders closer to Matt. “Nah, you got it right. I’m just testing your lucidity.” Testing that Matt’s safe to be on his own.

“With my knowledge of New York’s consolidated laws?”

“It’s not something you’d forget easily.”

Matt concedes the point by tilting his head. “So now you want me to dismiss you?”

“Don’t imagine you’re the one calling the shots, here.” Foggy stands where he is, studying Matt’s face while he tries to decide between coffee, alcohol, and the door. “You know it would be an enormous pain in my ass if you died, right?” Foggy asks. “So I need you to promise that if I leave you won’t die.”

“I will never die,” Matt quotes, the corner of his mouth quirking.

Foggy snorts, suddenly on the edge of laughter. "Yeah. Okay, Gary." He sobers, looking again at Matt’s taut face. “Don’t lie to me. Are you going to be okay if I leave you alone?”

“I told you, I’m fine.”

Foggy nods absently. “Gary was a better actor than you.” He doesn’t really believe Matt’s ‘fine,’ but Matt also doesn’t look like he’s lining up to shuffle off this mortal coil. “You want any help getting in bed?”

Matt closes his eyes again, shakes his head. “I’m here for the night.”

“Need the bathroom?”

“Foggy. I’m not an invalid.”

“Okay.” Foggy nods. “Okay. See you, man.”

Matt says nothing as Foggy walks away. It’s for the best, really.

_____

He spots them, a week or so later, walking towards him on the opposite side of the street. Matt’s grinning like an idiot, and Jess is trying to hide her own smile, looking at him with fondness. Foggy’s glad they’re working together, he really is. Matt needs someone looking out for him, and Foggy appreciates the sporadic texts she sends him. Matt’s even holding her elbow, the way he used to hold Foggy’s.

Foggy readjusts the strap of his briefcase where it’s suddenly cutting into his shoulder. Because he can’t tear his eyes away he sees Matt’s smile falter, his head tilt, and because Jess is looking right at Matt she catches it, too. She tenses, scans the street as Matt shakes his head slightly and mutters something. Jess relaxes, turns her head to look across the street just as they draw level and locks eyes with Foggy, raising her brows. Foggy half-smiles then looks away and carries on with his journey. He can’t let this derail him. He has clients to meet, a reputation as a capable lawyer to uphold. He even manages to whistle.

And if Karen can’t meet him for drinks that night, and he spends the night crying into his whisky glass alone in his apartment, no one needs to know.

The next day he gets a text.

Sort your shit out

I’m not the one with the shit, he replies.

Then he adds, Thanks for texting last week.

Jess replies surprisingly quickly. He was pissed at me

He’s an asshole

Agreed

Keep him alive, please, Jones

Jess doesn’t reply to that one.

_____

Foggy sees Matt in other places. At the courthouse, in a cafe. He can’t help but scan him for injuries, knowing that his heart’s pitter-pattering in his chest betrays his concern, and finding no new injuries, subsequent relief. Or pulling at the sight of a poorly-masked limp, a black eye not-so-hidden by dark glasses.

When Foggy sees Matt unexpectedly, he tries to feel revulsion, but he can’t. Instead, being close to Matt Murdock summons pain, and frustration, and despair. The feeling swirl and threaten to drown him, and he waits for them to coalesce into a single entity, something he can name and vanquish. He expects it to be disgust, loathing, or even hatred, but that hasn't happened yet. And Foggy can’t work out why. So he learns that after he sees Matt he’ll lose his appetite, that his breath will catch, that his body will worry.

There’s something else that he feels, in the centre of his chest, but he stubbornly refuses to name it. All the time and betrayal hasn’t weathered away its rough edges, and it has a habit of spiking him at the most inconvenient times. It would bring him to his knees, if he let it.

Matt always plays their encounters perfectly straight, never betraying what he might be reading from Foggy’s traitorous body, never straying from polite yet distant when they need to interact.

Foggy knows there’s chatter at the courthouse - What happened to Nelson and Murdock? They were practically married, and now I never see them together.

Foggy lived through the past months, but he doesn’t know, either. He doesn’t know how they ended up here, and if they can ever get to a new place.

_____

The next time Jess contacts him, she calls. At the panic in her voice he bolts out of his warm bed. Foggy has never heard her panic before.

When he arrives at Matt’s apartment his hands are shaking and he struggles to slide his key into the lock, but before he can manage it the door swings open, revealing a broad chest, clad in a hoodie flecked with bullet holes. Luke nods and steps aside wordlessly as Foggy pushes past him, searching for Matt.

All the lights are on, which isn’t saying a lot. The poor lighting casts deep shadows, appropriate for a man with too many dark secrets. Foggy has eyes only for Matt, stretched out on the couch again, bare to the waist and with an arcing red line of sutures across his chest. His breathing is so shallow that for a moment Foggy fears the worst. Matt’s deathly pale, his lashes dark against his cheek, and gives no sign whatsoever that he’s clocked Foggy’s arrival. The bright splash of red on the floor paints a picture in crimson that takes Foggy back to another night, another pool of blood. Foggy feels his legs weaken underneath him.

Foggy turns to look at Claire, where she’s kneeling beside the coffee table, cleaning up her supplies. Surgical instruments clatter into a plastic box, alongside the once-sterile wrappings of her surgical kit and little suture packets. It’s less tidy than usual, as though Claire was rushing. Claire’s hands are shaking, and her movements are jerky. She looks like she’s gone beyond her standard frustration, like she’s been grappling with fear.

Claire glances at him, then back at her work. “If Danny hadn’t got here quickly….” Claire cuts herself off and swallows hard, composes herself. “There’s only so much I can do like this.” She gestures angrily and shakily at her supplies, at Matt’s prone form, and throws bloody swabs into the box. “This isn’t an operating theatre.”

Foggy lets out a long, shuddering breath. “Thank you, Claire,” he says. He knows it’s inadequate, that it doesn’t even begin to cover what happened here tonight or any of the other nights before. .

Claire pauses, her tidying finished, and there’s a stillness to her. It’s like the night has drawn in, circling the three of them in a hideous diorama. Foggy feels himself frozen and watches as Claire looks at Matt, still as death. She shakes her head minutely, then slowly rises to her feet.

Jess is suddenly there, holding a cup of coffee in Claire’s direction, and the moment passes. Claire takes the cup with resigned relief, and Foggy shivers in surprise. He hadn’t noticed Jess at all. He looks over and sees Danny slumped at the dining table, chopsticks in hand and an empty take-out container beside him.

“Drink that, and I’ll take you home,” Jess tells Claire, then looks at Luke. “You’re in charge of Fisty.” Luke nods, and wanders over to Danny, poking him in the side with a finger.

“Ow!” Danny yelps, and stands up stiffly.

“Quit being so dramatic,” Jess grouses.

“It takes a lot of energy to channel my Qi like that-” Danny begins, but Luke picks him up and hefts him over a shoulder. Danny protests briefly, pounding ineffectually against Luke’s back, then gives up, sagging in defeat. Luke nods at Foggy, and makes for the roof access stairs, disappearing up them more quickly and quietly than a man his size should be able to.

Claire knocks her coffee back, and discards the cup on the table, looks hard at Foggy. “You need to stay with him.”

Foggy nods. “How long will he be like this?”

She shrugs. “He’s lost a lot of blood. Danny’s fist is kinda miraculous, but I think it has limits.”

“Just tell me what I need to know. Please.”

Claire and Jess exchange a look, and Jess clears her throat. “Luke and Danny were working together, Matt and I were doing a different area. Matt got cut bad. It was deep,” Jess supplies. “We were close so I called the others then got him here, and Claire met us, but…” Her already-pale skin turns whiter still, and she swallows hard.

“Luke and Danny showed up when we needed them to,” Claire says. She looks again at Matt, and he watches her watching Matt. “He’s going to need to rest for a few days,” Claire says.

Foggy laughs mirthlessly. “Have you met Matt?” he asks.

“He might not have any choice this time. Keep him warm, make him drink and eat. Call me only if you need to. You know the drill.”

Foggy nods, following Claire and Jess with his eyes as they disappear around the corner. The front door opens and closes, and Foggy is alone with Matt. He rubs his arms, feeling the sudden chill of fall, and looks down at the person he once called his best friend. Matt’s still unconscious, and he looks cold.

In Matt’s room Foggy digs out socks, sweats, and a hoodie, and the soft blanket Matt keeps at the end of his bed. He spreads the blanket over Matt, and piles the clothing on the coffee table. Foggy allows himself another look at Matt’s face, and he feels the spiky thing flip over in his chest. He tucks in the edges of the blanket, to keep Matt warm, and goes to make himself a coffee.

Foggy’s left a few magazines and a couple of novels at Matt’s apartment, and they’re still in a small, neat pile on the bottom shelf of the bookcase. He retrieves his old, dog-eared copy of Pride and Prejudice, and sits down in the armchair closest to the window. From here the billboard lights Matt’s face, and Foggy can look up every few pages to check that Matt’s still breathing.

Foggy sets the book aside and stretches, and walks over to stand above Matt. Matt’s skin in waxy, but his breathing is smoother, a little deeper. Foggy should be angry at Matt, but he’s just sad, worried and lonely. He wants his best friend back.

Foggy sinks slowly to his knees and reaches up a hand to stroke back Matt’s hair. His skin is clammy, which Foggy remembers tends to happen when someone nearly bleeds out. His stomach twists again with fear for Matt, and for a fleeting moment Foggy imagines a world without Matt in it. It’s a dark place. But Matt is here and breathing. Foggy finds himself leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to Matt’s forehead.

Because this is Foggy’s life, Matt chooses this moment to stir and groan, and Foggy jumps back.

“Jess?” Matt asks, eyes pinching tightly.

“Sorry, man, it’s just me.”

“Fog?” Matt croaks, uncertain. “I can’t, I’m not.” He swallows and his eyes open, roving aimlessly and frantically as he brings one hand to the wound on his side. Foggy’s seen Matt’s eyes wander like this before, when he’s disoriented, so he grabs for Matt’s clammy hand and gives it a squeeze. Matt holds on tight, a drowning man clutching a lifering, and the lost look fades from his face. He clears his throat. “When did you get here?”

“A while ago. Jess called me.”

Matt closes his eyes again. “Claire was here.”

“She was.”

“She stitched me up.”

“Ye-es. And I think that, maybe, Danny did the magic healing glowing fist thing? Claire seemed kinda upset.”

“Because Danny took over?”

“More like…” Foggy swallows, fighting down an edge of panic. “She nearly lost you.”

“Oh. Mmm.” Matt pauses, like he’s taking stock of his body. “That tracks.” His tone lacks inflection.

“How do you feel?”

“Fine.”

“Oh fuck you, Murdock.” That earns him a half-smile. “You thirsty?” Foggy asks, reaching for casual, but falling wide of the mark.

Matt swallows, with effort, and licks his lips. “Um. Yes.”

Foggy lets go, and doesn’t miss that Matt flexes his hand, like he hadn’t realised they were still holding each other, before slipping it under the blanket.

In the kitchen, he fills the electric kettle and puts it on to boil for tea, then retrieves a bottle of water from the fridge. There’s not much food on hand, looks like Danny got to the leftovers, but at least there’s bread for a sandwich.

“It’s late, Foggy. Go home to bed.”

Foggy aggressively ignores this, setting out two mugs with tea bags, and retrieving milk and sugar. He starts slapping together two PB&Js, and finds half a block of dark chocolate in the usual spot. The jug clicks off, and he fills the mugs. The familiarity of the task is soothing, distracting. Matt doesn’t seem to be as aware of Foggy’s movements as he usually is, and he hasn’t tried to sit up.

As the tea bags steep, Foggy prepares himself for the conversation he knows is coming. He has to be the instigator.

Tea bags out, Foggy adds milk and honey. Matt doesn’t like his tea sweet, but he gets less choice on a night when he nearly died. Foggy he tucks the water bottle under his arm, picks up the plate of sandwiches and chocolate, and carries Matt’s mug over to the lounge. “You need one of those lap trays they make for old people.”

Matt groans as he pushes himself up into a sitting position. Foggy stuffs a piece of chocolate at Matt’s mouth and he makes a face, but takes it without protest. The blanket has slipped down, and goosebumps stipple Matt’s chest, his nipples standing out, hard. Foggy hands Matt the hoodie and Matt takes it with surprise, running his hands over it to orient himself before slowly and painfully pulling it on and lifting the hood up over his head.

“Drink your tea,” Foggy says, and goes back to collect his own. He snags the whisky bottle and pours a hefty tot into his cup before returning to sit in one of Matt’s armchairs.

“Do I get some of that?” Matt asks.

“Maybe when you’ve got your blood volume up again.”

Matt’s surprisingly tractable, eating his sandwiches without complaint. Of course, it’s not particularly reassuring because Foggy knows it means that Matt’s got to be feeling terrible.

They sit in relative silence, Matt seemingly focused on drinking his tea without spilling it, until Foggy realises it’s past 5am. He pulls himself out of the airchair and goes to switch on Matt’s espresso machine.

When Foggy moves away, Matt reaches for the rest of his clothing. Foggy lurks in the kitchen while Matt dresses slowly, awkwardly, dropping his pants and kicking them under the coffee table. Foggy’s seen this enough times to know better than to offer help. Matt pulls on one sock then sits back, panting. Foggy despairs for Matt and his abysmal sense of self-worth. He wishes he could love Matt into healing, but he knows it doesn’t work like that. When Matt stands to pull up his sweatpants he sways slightly and clutches the back of the couch for balance. Foggy looks away, attends to the coffee, makes his own Irish.

Foggy puts Matt’s coffee on the coffee table in front of him, although Matt’s lying down and doesn’t reach for the cup. Foggy sits down again in the armchair, balancing his mug as he leans back, and fixes Matt with a stare he hopes Matt can feel.

“So.”

“So. You heading out?”

“I’m here to look after you,” Foggy says.

Matt scowls a little. “Don’t you have work?”

“It’s Saturday.” Foggy spreads his hands wide, like a magician presenting his trick. “I can stay all weekend.”

Matt makes a noise of frustration. “Just go, Foggy.”

“No can do. I’m staying.”

“You’ve left before.”

Foggy feels a stab of anger. “Because you told me to. You made it very clear that you didn’t want me around again.”

Matt’s jaw tenses, and Foggy takes a deep breath, willing himself to regain some calmness. When he speaks again, he’s proud that his voice doesn’t shake.

“We’ve already been through this, and I have no interest in doing it again.” He takes another breath. “You matter to me, Matt. Once upon a time I met this cool guy and we became friends and spent tons of time together. I even started a business with him.”

“And then you found out he wasn’t who you thought he was,” Matt says, with a wide, dismissive gesture.

“Yeah, and it sucked.” Foggy looks down at the hands in his lap and realises he’s wringing them.

“So why are you still here? I thought we were done.”

Foggy looks up at that. “I’m not done.”

“Foggy. I feel like shit. I don’t want to do this now.” Matt does look like shit, but that’s not the point here.

“Yea, well, you never want to talk about it on the rare day you’re uninjured, so...”

“So drop it.” Matt’s face is blank, emotion masked, facing the wall in front of him, not Foggy.

“Stop pushing me away, Matt”

A flicker of anger crosses Matt’s face. “You’re only here out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.”

“Misplaced? Matt. Why can’t you accept that I want to be here?”

“Because you don’t. Because I’m...”

“What?”

Matt closes his eyes and tips his head back, inhales like he’s praying for strength. Then he straightens, facing Foggy head on. “I’m not worth it.”

“This again. You must think I’m a poor judge of character.”

“Maybe when it comes to me,” Matt says, nodding.

“You’re such a selfish asshole.”

Matt nods again, agreeing, which is frankly irritating. “Also, I’m not. Not. I…”

“Not what, Matt? Reliable? A good decorator? Because I already knew that.”

“I’m not.” Matt stops again, takes a deep breath. “It’s not you, it’s me. You know that. I’m just…” Matt still can’t finish the thought.

“Are you trying to say that you’re not likable? Because I think you know that’s not true. You’re… magnetic.”

“Until people find out who I really am.”

Fogy shuffles forward in his seat and rests his elbows on his knees, leaning towards Matt. “Matt, I need you to listen to what I’m about to say. Okay? You have inherent worth as a human, and you matter to me, very much. And that isn’t contingent on us getting along all the time, or you avoiding injury, although I’d really prefer it if you didn’t get hurt. So stop trying to push me away, because I like things a lot better when we aren’t fighting. Or we can squabble, but it’s not the end of the world.”

Matt’s averted his face, away from Foggy and the billboard. He bites his lower lip and shakes his head slightly, and doesn’t reply.

“I love you, man,” Foggy says. “And it hurts seeing you be self-destructive. But that doesn’t stop me loving you.”

Matt squeezes his eyes shut, and Foggy sees a glistening tear slide down the curve of his cheek. Matt’s jaw works, and Foggy waits him out, giving him time to speak.

“There’s a difference between what you tell me I should know, and what I believe,” Matt finally says.

Foggy hates everyone who has left Matt over the years. But he can’t hate Matt.

“You’re so smart, Matt, but you don’t understand feelings at all.”

Suddenly the space between them yawns, impossibly far, and Foggy has to bridge it. In a rush, he stands and moves to sit beside Matt on the couch, and he reaches across Matt’s lap to pick up his left hand from where it’s balled in a fist on his thigh, forcing Matt to turn his shoulders towards Foggy.

Foggy looks at Matt’s hand. The knuckles are bruised, of course, but it’s the same hand that he’s seen reading, skimming over surfaces in a real or feigned search for information, the same hand that’s so often held firmly but lightly to Foggy’s elbow.

Gently, Foggy unfurls Matt’s fingers, spreading them wide and lifting Matt’s hand to press against the centre of Foggy’s chest, with his own hand spread above it.

The rest of Matt unfurls along with his hand, softening and reaching towards Foggy.

Foggy watches as the lines of tension in Matt’s face ease, and he seems to tune in to the beat of Foggy’s heart. The spiky thing in the middle of Foggy’s chest warms and pulses and softens, and Foggy finally lets himself name it - it is love. Foggy’s love for Matt. And Matt Murdock might be clever with words and stupid with emotions, but no one feels the world the way Matt does.

Foggy leans forward and kisses Matt’s forehead again, gentle and warm, then presses his forehead to Matt’s.

“I’m tired, Foggy.”

Foggy murmurs in agreement. “I know. So am I. And I miss you.”

Matt reaches with his other hand to cup Foggy’s shoulder, a finger playing over the scar under the sleeve of Foggy’s sweater.

Foggy kisses Matt’s forehead again, then pulls back slightly. “You haven’t touched that scar before, have you?” Foggy asks. Matt pulls his hand away, like he’s just realised what he’s doing, and shakes his head, frowning. “It’s okay.” Foggy has to release Matt’s other hand, but he shrugs his left arm out of its sleeve and pulls the bottom edge of his sweater up so that his entire arm and half his torso are bare. “Feel away.”

Cautiously, Matt reaches out with his right hand and touches one fingertip with unerring accuracy, exactly where the bullet left its mark. Foggy watches as fleeting emotions chase each other across Matt’s face. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit you in the hospital,” Matt says. He presses his palm flat over the scar for a moment, lifting his hand away only to press a kiss of his own to Foggy’s skin, to his scar. Foggy shivers.

Matt’s hand moves again, sensitive fingertips trailing from Foggy’s arm across to his chest and grazing a nipple. He pauses, all five fingertips there with the lightest of touches over Foggy’s heart, before his hand spreads out. Foggy feels the contact like it’s a brand.

Foggy lifts his right hand. He has to unzip Matt’s hoody, but then he’s pressing his own hand over Matt’s heart, and confusion, joy and hope are chasing each other across Matt’s face.

Matt leans forward and kisses Foggy on the lips. It’s sweet and gentle, but when Matt presses in more firmly Foggy moves back.

Matt doesn’t look like he’s about to jump out the window, but he does look uncertain. “You don’t want...?” Matt asks.

“Oh, I do. You have no idea. But you’re hurt and tired and you have a very soft bed in the next room, and maybe we’ve done enough talking for now.”

“Want to spoon?” Matt asks, and the hope on his face nearly breaks Foggy’s heart.

“Yes I do, my spoony little friend. And we can talk later.”

Matt smiles, and it’s like seeing the sun burst over rain-drenched lands that had almost forgotten a sun existed. “Later.” And Foggy takes Matt’s hand in his, helps him carefully to his feet, and leads him to bed.

#daredevilexchange #matt murdock #Foggy nelson #pogowrites

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im-whatchamccallit · 4 years ago

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Their S/O Helping with Their Music//3Racha

(A/N: This is based on the Hongjoong+Mingi reactions I did two days ago if you’d like to read those. Also, I have a notification for an extra message in my ask box but nothing shows up. So if you requested something, and have been waiting forever for it, I’m sorry but I literally can’t find it. But please feel free to request again!)

Let me preface by saying 3Racha have a great work dynamic, mainly because they’re all proficient, if not experts, when it comes to music. Because they all know what to do and how to do it, everything is fun and effortless. That being said, let’s talk about why 3Racha would be STRESSED having their s/o try to help them make music.

For starters, Chris would say yes to your offer to help. He thought it’d be a cute, fun, nice couplely activity to do together. But Chris is also very serious about his music, so watching you nearly screw up the melodies and beats he spent weeks making was enough to give him a panic attack.

Chris would ask you to just write some lyrics for the song, giving you a basic idea of what the comeback would be and the vibe he needs the lyrics to fit, honestly just needing you to not screw anything else up. And, thankfully, you didn’t this time. Sure, the lyrics needed a bit of touching up, being a bit too romantic for a song about spiraling into the deep, dark abyss we call life but, dammit, he was proud of you.

He’d feel bad that writing is all you’ve done since you got there, knowing you wanted to contribute a lot more, but being a complete novice in a room with nearly completed songs that only needed editing was dangerous. Chris would push aside that project and start a new one, ushering you over so that he can teach you the basics, giving you the opportunity to create a song of your own now that it’s clear Chris doesn’t really need the help.

Was he stressed out because it took you 3 hours to understand the difference between a mixer and controller? Yes.

Would he ever let you come back to help him again? Maybe, but only when they were on a break and didn’t have to focus on deadlines and promotions.

Changbin is a lot less lenient than Chris. You learned that the first time you visited him at the studio, only to be scolded as if you were a random person that broke into his home, and that’s when you learned the most important rule of working with Changbin:

HE IS SPEAR B WHEN HE’S IN THE STUDIO AND SPEAR B IS NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!

Spear B doesn’t coddle you and do the work for you like Changbin most likely would, so you had to make sure you had some ways to contribute to helping him or else you’d be gone within a second.

Changbin knew you were a great pianist and had a particularly great ear for music, more so in terms of vocal abilities, and you’re notes honestly helped him correct his songs the way he needed them to be. So, after giving you his typical “no fooling around, one strike and you’re out” warning, you were in.

You were both pretty productive, but every time Changbin glanced over to you, hearing a tune that was unfamiliar or, if familiar, was from a movie or video game, he’d eye you suspiciously.

He knew you were getting a bit restless, and that your boredom was taking over, so he tried to do whatever possible to keep you entertained while also keeping the progress of his work going. From asking you to make an outro for an unreleased (and already completed) song, to having you revise lyrics he wrote months ago and hasn’t batted an eye at since.

Not even 10 minutes after being assigned those task, you were finished, letting out a groan followed by a whiny ‘I’m bored’. For an amateur, you worked fast.

At this point, Changbin begs you to give him a few more minutes with editing, knowing he needed to get it checked over by Chan and Jisung afterwards anyways, but still wanting to complete it on his own. But you continued to complain, your voice echoing in the space as you asked him if you can start on something new, hopefully creating something for 3Racha or Stray Kids to perform in the future, your rambling cut short by a loud and obviously annoyed ‘Do what you want! Just let me finish this!’.

This is how you began to work in silence, you pressing away at the keys to form a strictly melancholy tune, Changbin finally done editing. When he looked at you, he felt his heart sink. You were only trying to help. It wasn’t like you were goofing off or distracting him, you just wanted to do even more work on top of the work you already finished, but he was so worried about his deadline that he took it out on you. Again, Spear B wasn’t your boyfriend and you both knew that, but that doesn’t mean Spear B had to be a dick to you. You felt Changbin readjust your hands so you were now playing a more upbeat melody, one that fit his style just right, not giving him any attention until he called you ‘jagiya’, a smile forming on your face as he attempted to silently apologize for his anger.

(I don’t even like guys younger than me but I’d D I E for Jisung ;-;)

Jisung was TERRIFIED when you offered to help. He would contemplate saying no to you, especially with you already here at the studio, standing in front of him with doe-like eyes filled with determination. But that wasn’t what scared him. What scared him was watching that determination disappear after a few minutes with him.

Considering Jisung is the main lyricist of 3Racha, he puts his all into his words, that includes his emotions. This song in particular was a bit dark compared to his usual lighthearted behavior at home. You’ve never sat in on his writing sessions, and he was positive this would be a terrible introduction for you to experience it, but he let you in anyways, watching you practically skip towards the spinning chairs as you prepared to witness the great J.One in action.

And, my god, were you shocked.

You’ve seen Jisung cry plenty of times, sure. But you’ve never seen him like this, silently sobbing over his phone as he typed out lyrics, your eyes trained on him despite the fact you were supposed to be improving your mixing. He’d be so deep in the unspoken emotions he felt, finally letting them spill into what would be his next hit, when your voice interrupted him with a soft ‘are you okay?’.

This was the last way he wanted you to see him, he honestly felt pathetic. So, in typical Jisung fashion, he gave a few sniffles, wiping his face with one hand before bringing back his usual grin, trying to convince you he was fine. But you weren’t convinced and your face showed it, his smile faltering as he reassured you he was alright, encouraging you to keep practicing until you were proficient enough to add more instruments to the current melody.

Jisung tried to suppress his emotions from then on, only making you more anxious as you played around with the bass and drum settings on the keyboard, giving up and instead asking to review his lyrics so far. It was an unexpected request, and it made him a bit insecure considering he wasn’t even close to finished, but he allowed you to take a look anyways.

This was the first time anyone outside of 3Racha has seen his writing process, so he couldn’t help the anxiety building in his chest as your eyes skimmed each word. If he had written it all beforehand, maybe you wouldn’t have to see him with puffy, red eyes. Maybe you’d think he was cool just helping you compose so he can find the right beat to perform it to you.

He had so many thoughts running through his mind, almost freaking out until you handed him his phone back, a blank look on your face while his eyes watched you expectantly.

“The lyrics are obviously showing sadness but you worded them in a way that makes it seem like you’re angry and defensive. Don’t let your sadness be an undertone when it’s the main theme of the song.”

It wasn’t something one would describe as philosophical, but it made Jisung feel as if he were speaking to Ralph Emerson himself, your words an eye opener that did nothing but helped him transcend (pun intended) out of the box of emotions he lived in. There was just one problem...

“I don’t know where to start...” he admitted, staring down at the words he wrote as if he’d never seen them before in his life.

But you just offered a small smile and abandoned the half-asses harmonies you created before turning your attention to him, reminding him that you came to help and, got dammit, you were gonna help.

It wasn’t what either of you expected, to be sitting and talking about deep topics that brought tears to both your eyes, but you managed to write something both powerful and energetic while still true to Jisung’s emotions. He felt silly at that point for getting so worked up over you helping out, but after all the crying he’d done, he decided that would be a wrap for the day, not even bothering to finish with the actual beat, saying a playful ‘I’ll ask Chan to do it’ as you both left the studio.

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #434

“i hate this town, it’s so washed up, & all my friends don’t give a fuck / they’ll tell me that it’s just bad luck, when will i find where i fit in?”

You get a text from your ex. He/she wants to hang out. How do you respond? Admittedly, I would. Do you have a friend of the opposite sex that you secretly want to be more than friends with? No. Well, there are times where I think I WANT to like-like Girt, but I just don't. And yet he's always been there for me without fail, is super funny and kind and chill... but I think we were just friends for too long; he feels like my brother by this point in time. If your partner smoked, would that be a problem for you? If it was cigarettes, yes. Even weed (UNLESS it was for medicinal purposes and not a constant thing) I'd be iffy about. I just don't want to date a smoker. Lung damage is lung damage and weed actually has more carcinogens, and I don't want to sign myself up for all that. I don't want to watch my partner wither away from nonstop smoking and also have myself suffer from second-hand smoking. When will you next see your best friend? There's no telling. Right now I'm trying to be realistic and responsible with the money I DO ever get and put it towards more important investments, but I really do want to take a plane up there at some point. But that's also waiting until Covid is in the past. Heeeell no would I be stepping into an airport right now, even being vaccinated. How many tattoos would you like to have? Too many to count, ha ha. I want LOADS. Paint me, baby. :') Do you like your first name? I actually do. Have you ever talked to a boyfriend about an ex-boyfriend? Yes. It's kind of inevitable when you go into a new relationship, hoping it'll go well and be seriously invested, that you let your partner know "oh hey, this happened and seriously affected me to where I'm going to have 'my days.'" Greatest birthday gift you ever got? My snake Venus was technically a birthday present, though I obviously picked her out. Worst memory you have? Losing Jason. I can't say enough that the night of the breakup still doesn't feel real. First memory you can remember? My brother going down our slide into the Hurricane Floyd flood in our front yard, ha ha. I was around two, I wanna say? I don't feel like looking up the date of the hurricane. Oldest object you own? When did you get it? I'm sure that would be a stuffed animal we have stored away somewhere. Or my baby blanket, also safely tucked away. Meanest person you know? Why do you feel this way? I don't "know" Colleen anymore, but God knows she fit the bill. She was so fucking rude to people (yes, she was one of those people that bitched out store employees that have no control over things that inconvenienced her), the world revolved around her problems, she started drama with the damn grass... It's funny even picturing how she was my best friend once. My standards were lower for who I could befriend back then, but goddamn. Ever been dumped? By who? Yes, Jason. Technically Sara as well, but "dumped" seems like an unfitting term? Like we just talked it out and sorta mutually agreed that it was wiser that we weren't together at the time. Have you ever dumped someone? Why? Yes, mostly because I didn't like-like them. Juan was more so because I believed a rumor by Rachel, and Tyler, I just wasn't invested in and had NO desire to put up with the "we need to talk every five minutes" crap. Where do you buy most of your food? Wal-Mart. Last house you have been to: whose was it, and why were you there? My sister's, for my nephew's birthday party. Have you ever been a drunk driver? No, and fuck you if you've ever put others (and yourself) at risk like that. One kid you cannot stand? None that I know, and that's very few. Has anyone ever saved your life? Jason and Mom literally have. Last thing you cried about? Ha ha, I finished watching another SOMA playthrough earlier, and I will ALWAYS start to cry at the end. Without fail. Would you sacrifice your life for someone else's baby? I honestly think I would if it was a split-second decision. Tell me about your latest dream: I think my APAP mask wasn't positioned well last night, because I had a SHITLOAD of nightmares. Too many to even remember. Have you ever been in a limo? No. I've always wanted to experience that once, man. Have you ever been the maid of honor in a wedding party? No. Has anyone ever seen you naked? I was born naked, my man. Mom used to give my sister and I baths together, and I took a bath with a best friend once as a kid. Then one other person has. Do you have a calendar? If so, what is the theme of it? Not a current one, no. Nicest thing you have ever done for a complete stranger: I have no idea. Meanest thing you have ever done to a complete stranger: *shrug* Have you ever been sent to the principal's office? If so, why? And how did you feel? Yes, I think because they wanted to ask the reason behind all my morning tardies. I was soooo scared, just being a kid. Person you hope you never run into again: Colleen. Have you ever streaked? Heeeeell no. Why do you hate your ex? I don't hate any of them. What animal did you last pet or hold? Roman, my cat. What color is your hair? It's my natural brunette right now. I want to dye it SO badly. Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms? Yeah. Have you ever had to clean a cat box before? Yeah, seeing as I own an indoor cat. Christmas is coming. Who are you buying gifts for? In the hypothetical situation where I had the money, I'd buy things for my parents, my stepmom, my two immediate sisters, Ash's kids, as well as her husband, but only because I'd feel obligated to as he's considered a close member of the family. I'd also totally get something for Sara! When somebody intimidates you, how do you usually act around them? SCARED. I get quiet, stutter if I do talk, and possibly cry. Is your favorite singer in a band or does he or she ride solo? He was originally the singer of Black Sabbath, but he's been solo for forever now. I prefer him solo, honestly. Did your parents ever hang your old artwork up on the walls? Ohhh yes. Mom still does, ha ha. What is the weirdest obsession you’ve ever had? Nothing really "weird," I think... How long can you be in a car before wanting to get out? It depends on if I have my music or not. If I do, I can last hours, but if not, I don't really like being in the car at all. Have any songs ever inspired you to play an instrument? No. Do you ever use Pandora?No. Are you better with creative writing or writing essays? Creative writing, but I'm fine with both. What is the weirdest animal you’ve ever seen as a pet? I know OF someone who rescued I want to say a baby bobcat, or something along those lines, but I didn't know that guy personally. I don't think I've ever actually met someone with a truly *strange* pet... The most unique I've seen is probably just a chinchilla. If you had to change one, would you rather change your hair or your eyes? My eyes. I don't like them much, mainly the shape. What was your favorite computer game as a kid? I loved the various Oregon Trail games, as well as one I think was called The Amazon Trail 3. Then there was a few dinosaur games I LOVED, and then there were the classic kids' games like the Putt-Putt and Fred the Fish series. Any shows on TV that you flat out refuse to start watching? 13 Reasons Why. I don't even support that show existing. Pajamas with feet: yay or nay? NOOOOOOOO, that is so uncomfortable. What is your opinion on fruitcake? That's an even BIGGER "no." Who did you last dream about? I don't remember. Do you have trouble remembering important things? Yes. .-. I barely remember anything. Which animal can you imitate the best? I dunno? Have you bought any drugs this month? I don't do drugs, so. Have you ever set foot in a tanning bed? Nope, never will. Do you know the Soulja Boy dance? Ha ha, I did as a kid. My then-best friend, younger sister, and I wanted to learn it. I don't remember it now, that's for sure. What is the best ice cream flavor? Ben and Jerry's "Phish Food" is GODLY. Wallpaper on your computer's desktop? Teddy, my late dog. Do you clean when you’re upset? Hell no, I do the opposite: nothing. Do you sleep with the door open or closed? It stays open. My cat would pitch a fit otherwise. Do you know anyone who has actually been in an alcohol or drug related crash? Yes, actually. It was incredibly tragic; the both of them were high (maybe drunk, idr for sure), and my friend was driving with her best friend in the passenger seat. They crashed, and said friend's best friend died. For YEARS she would share pictures of them together on Facebook, "talking" to her, and it was just so heartbreaking. I doubt she's forgiven herself to this day, but she seems to have mostly moved on the best she could, being married with a daughter now. Have you ever gotten a professional massage? No, and I do NOT want one. I don't want some random stranger touching me in ANY way. Do you have a good relationship with your first love? No. We haven't talked in years, so maybe he feels no hatred for me at this point, but I do for myself. I don't hate him at all. Do you feel like you have life figured out? bitch hell no What would you do if you were faced with an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy (at your current age)? Was I raped? I'd almost certainly abort because I would be traumatized as FUCK. If it was my own fault, I think I'd go through with the pregnancy, but give the baby up for adoption. There is no way I could raise a kid right now. Or probably ever. Water or Gatorade? I don't like either, really, but I HATE Gatorade. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced twice, and I'm thinking of getting it redone again, but this time use a hoop instead of a stud to keep the damn piercing from falling out and closing in my sleep. Have you ever slapped someone? On the arm as a kid. That doesn't excuse it, though. Who are the pictures of in the room? I have a lot of posters, but no real photographs of anyone. Have your parents ever smoked pot? Dad did a lot of drugs before I was born, but Mom's never touched anything. I think. Would you ever consider moving to a different country? I'd love to live in Canada, if that didn't entail leaving my family. What is your favourite food from your culture? Cheeseburgers, alsdf;alwer Do you know any pick-up lines in a foreign language? No. What degree are you or will you pursue while in college? I've dropped out of college three times. I am never going back to major in anything. I changed my major quite a few times while I was there. Favorite arcade game? I don't really have one. One of my life goals is to go to an arcade that has Silent Hill: The Arcade, though. There are very few throughout the world, and it looks fun. Would other people consider your sense of humor inappropriate? I don't see how. Some inappropriate things can make me laugh, but it's definitely not my favorite form of humor, and I myself don't really make jokes of that sort. Who is your biggest celebrity crush right now? Mark Fischbach. :'') What are they famous for? He's a big YouTuber, aND WILL ALSO BE A MAIN ACTOR IN A SHOW NEXT YEAR. LET'S GOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend? No, I would NOT stand for that bullshit. Do you have any gay family members? I know my mom's... cousin I want to say is gay. Somebody related to her is. Was your first kiss romantic? I feel like it was. What are you most likely to go to jail for? Pirating shit. Well, can you even be locked up for downloading minor shit? Shows what I know. Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship with someone else? Boy, have I. Would you ever get a boob job? When (or if...) I lose all the weight I want, I can almost guarantee a breast lift will be something I'd want. Certain things happen when you lose a shitload of weight alsdkf;alkwe Have you ever tried to break up anyone because you liked one of them? Not intentionally. What would you think if you found out your ex was gay? If we're talking THE ex, safe to say I'd be shocked. Did you ever think someone didn’t like you, but come to find out they really did? It's weird, I've felt both ways with Girt? Like there were times I was pretty much 100% certain he liked me, but I'd also be like "nah, no way, he sees me as a sister." Turns out he like-liked me. Are you worried about anything right now? I can't possibly recall the last time I WASN'T worried about something. When you are home alone, do you still close the door when you shower? I don't shower when I'm home alone because I'm afraid of ever fainting and busting my ass again. What noise do you hear? I'm currently listening to "All Signs Point To Lauderdale" by A Day to Remember, and I can also hear my fan going. Do you go online everyday? Pretty much without fail. It'll probably be a cold day in Hell before I willingly don't come online, ha ha.

#survey #surveys #random questions #lyrics: ''all signs point to lauderdale'' by a day to remember

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incorporealbagelbeing · 4 years ago

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So like. Complied from myself and every theory I've read, I feel like there's a lot to cover in the simulation theory

Only certain members of the crew are present. Given everything I've seen, I believe that everyone EXCEPT Juno and Peter are in this. Will cover the other characters in other points, but I believe only Juno and Peter are not in the simulation because Dark Matters would assume that each person would have their own goals with repairs, but didnt know what Juno and Peter would do. I think they knew that Jet would do most repairs with some help from Buddy and Vespa, and would focus on the Ruby7 (more later). Buddy would be trying to help fix the ship, would be trying to keep the team together and functioning (mistrust due to Shadows on the Ship), and would be planning, analysing, strategizing. Vespa would again help with general repairs and the medical bay, and they would know just enough to figure that she's going to be trying to come to terms with all the stressors in her environment, including mild inconsistencies. Rita would be trying to save systems and computers and food. All this to say, Juno and Peter are the only two controlled because sure, we could say "Peter would be stuck with a broken leg" but they dont know if he would be busy or realize that they were in a simulation. Also, Juno's a detective and has had run-ins with Dark Matters tech, he would know what was up.

The Ruby7 is off. That's a given. The question is: do our characters not know things about Ruby, are our characters actually puppets created by Dark Matters, or is Dark Matters trying to work out how the Ruby7 works as a highly competent vehicle that has otherworldly capabilities, such as a self-driven rescue mission, creation of bombs, the Pelican Bootleg, memorization of M'Tendere's key? I think its the last one. They would have to manipulate people into dropping information to learn.

I think that Rita is ignoring red flags (or! Appears to be! She's smart most of the time! She knows Juno!) Or is messing up colossally (@ernmark posted this, and like, I really see them doing all of this) but I choose to believe that Rita would ignore more dramaticized or odd things like the unknown force pulling them out of the water because it fits with the streams, but I think she realized something was up when Juno came on the scene. This can again be one of two things, with option one being that she noticed his newfound acceptace of computers and has been quietly sabotaging her own plan, leading Dark Matters on, or she outright didnt trust him from the start and came to Nureyev first because she assumed he was trustworthy and she's gonna try to take them down somewhere along the way to make sure she isn't being tailed/ find a way to hack the simulation from inside.

I also think that Nureyev's depression instrument wont be brought up again or will be a pivotal piece, as it all depends on if he plays instruments outside of simulation. If he plays outside of the simulation, I'm betting that he feels useless and not trusted, which is something he tends to put stock into. Therefore, he makes himself useful by learning M'Tendere's key. And Rita is upset by the whole Tools of Rust episode, and her hearing the melancholy music is close to the definition of "depression instrument". If the case, I hope to God he doesnt know the tune yet. Dark Matters knowing the key is bound to be bad. If he doesnt play in real life, I'm willing to bet that Simulation Peter is a way of finding out the key. They didnt know MTendere or their key. This could be a convinient way to learn it.

I'm actually highkey worried about Juno. Reasoning? We didnt hear from him during Tools of Rust. There was a suspicious note along the lines of "well, hope he's ok...oh nvmd" which makes me wonder: is there a chance that Juno hasnt been himself in several episodes? I hate to say it, but what if he s been manipulated by Dark Matters for a while now as a spy? Just saying... But either way, I feel like hes acting weird and Rita's known him long enough to be suspicious. Also this could be me overanalyzing

Buddy knows something is wrong. Shes been to dark places, and she knows every member of the crew. There's a reason she's worried about just getting the ship back in the sky, and its because she's seeing all of the inconsistencies. She knows that Jet knows as much as he can about Ruby, she knows Juno isnt Like This, and she's probably suspicious of the smooth landing. I bet Buddy has more in mind than she lets on, and she's treading incredibly carefully.

Juno and Peter may have also been created to guide Rita in her mission as well. They both support her plan and dont really point out anything that could sabotage the plan (like the fact that Dark Matters owned the tech beforehand? ) and they near unconditionally accepted everything she was doing (which I'm hoping gave Rita the final clues she needed to realize that they're trapped in a simulation. Juno would bring up AT LEAST a few points) and they didn't even try to tell other crew members about their findings. All of this seems shadily like Juno and Peter are cardboard cutouts of themselves created to further the next plot. Hell, we can even add in distractions that would mean that Jet, Buddy, and Vespa were unavaliable.

The whole "oh Morpheus facility...how original" line indicates that its a construct of the game. This is tbh one of the bigger and better clues, not even just for the name. I think that it indicates either that 1. The Morpheus Facility is the real name, or 2. Its a made up mission to assess Rita's skill.

Also as a bonus I doubt that the Sasha Wire we know is involved with this. Sasha has seen corruption in the Hyperion police force and left because of it. Either she's gonna be a cool double agent and is gonna break the whole crew out and help them take down Dark Matters (here's how Rita/Sasha can still win!), or shes been THEIAed or something similar. Either way, I want her to be mentioned or have a reappearance, and I think shes gonna get one.

#the penumbra podcast #this got really long #sasha wire #jet sequiliak #jet siquliak #vespa ilkay #buddy aurinko #juno steel #peter nureyev #and rita #rita penumbra #rita the penumbra podcast #rita tpp #juno steel and the mega ultrabots of cyberjustice #ultrabots episode #penumbra spoilers #tpp spoilers #dark matters #god i hope no ones actually dead

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catharticdevice · 3 years ago

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maybe life is not for everyone

I’ve been meaning to translate these jumbled mess of thoughts into coherent sentences. Just to see them from a distance. I don’t know why I think it matters—it really doesn’t. But here we are.

Come on in, everyone. Welcome to my version of a ✨spiraling free fall ✨

I’m okay, by the way—I think? If we share some commonality in terms of how we define okay, it really is not that serious. My suicidal thoughts have all been passive and my brain hasn’t lost its chemical capacity to perform my role as a functioning adult. In all honesty, I’m a bit wary of using the word depression; it’s such a blanket term that’s too intimately linked with the clinical branch of depression. The more nuanced lower end of the spectrum gets slided onto the back burner, because it’s not pressing—which is a perfectly sound logic. Given that none of my symptoms directly point to major/clinical depression, I’m more inclined to stay away from it altogether. My episodes are never debilitating to the extent that I ignore hygiene or fail to keep my job. So it feels stupid to be open about my minor inconveniences. I’d much rather invalidate my own mental struggle before someone can say to my face “You’re just faking it for attention—”

You know how people sometimes say “I haven’t been feeling myself lately,” More often than not, it indicates a varying degree of emotional disturbances—be it gloomy, anxious, in despair, discontent, bitter, or what have you. You recognize what your normal behavior looks like and you get a sense when it deviates off the course. In contrast, I can’t really tell if my low-spirited nature is just a part of a temporary mental distress or is it actually me. It has been my default state for as long as I can remember that it successfully assimilated into my personality traits. So much so that if I were to say “I haven’t been feeling like myself lately,” it would mean a good thing.

I learned to make peace with the way life works; how to navigate through the challenges while keeping my head above water. The secret is to give up all your hopes and be okay with not thriving. Life is not actually that bad when you feel apathetic. I’ve fully embraced my apathy and made it my home—very comfy here, 10/10 would recommend. Because who the fuck got time to do some thriving? Also, why must we thrive as humans? Why is that a necessity? Who decided that? Why can’t we just survive? How is it not enough to survive?

Not quite sure what else there even is to life that makes me willingly choose it every single day. But surviving has to be enough for now. I am not putting any more effort into this bullshit.

Anyway, that’s the baseline. That’s what my good day looks like. Lukewarm, with a hint of melancholy. Now, on to the good stuff—

Every time something drives me over the edge, my go-to coping mechanism has always been limited to safe non-lethal strategies, which include social withdrawal (textbook self-sabotaging behavior) and restrictive food intake (an effort to regain some sense of control apparently). It wasn’t until recently that my brain got a bit more creative and incorporated suicidal ideation into the mix. Whenever I only have my thoughts to keep me company, it’s incredibly easy to spiral into a self-destructive existential conundrum. Although the problematic eating behavior has now also progressed into a more frequent pattern. Anxiety is no longer needed to spur the action. I just need a win sometimes. And running on two cups of coffee and nothing else all day is the most instantaneous way to earn a sense of accomplishment. (PSA: I don’t recommend it though. It’s ok for me and me only, it really is not good for you, kids.)

I wonder, why has nobody told you that as you get older, cutting your life short is becoming a more and more interesting option? It really feels like I’ve maxed out on my lifetime serotonin quota—it’s all spent. I’m done. At this point I’m not even living anymore; I’m just wasting everybody’s time. The thought of having to endure 20-30 more years of this fucking non-consensual existence is such a nightmare. (Actually, with the rapidly accelerating climate change and billionaires continuing to play gods, 30 years is probably too generous.)

When it comes to the subject of suicide, some people’s prevention approach is to say stuff like “...think about how that makes your loved ones feel,” or “There’s so many things you’re going to miss out on,” First of all, let’s think about how I feel, ok. This is about me—focus up! Secondly, I don’t know where you got your biology lesson from, but you actually don’t have to worry about missing anything if you don’t wake up tomorrow. Because when you’re flatlined, your neurons stop firing. Ergo you can’t think, you can’t feel—so you wouldn’t have any function left to miss anything. Win-win.

I’ve been told countless times that it’s temporary; that there will come a time when I won’t feel this way anymore. But man...when you’re swimming across any large, deep body of water and then around mid way you’re slowly feeling your energy level is plummeting below zero, we all know how that’s gonna end. There’s no way you would ever be able to make it to the shore. Even if it’s only a few feet ahead of you. There’s nothing you can do except to let the water take you in.

I’ve been enjoying looking into how body donation works lately. Interesting hobby—quite niche if I do say so myself. Unfortunately Science Care does not currently operate where I live. Also, in Mass you have to sign a consent paper that’s called Instrument of Anatomical Gift. But there has to be two witnesses. Urgh...! Ideally, I’d like my heart to stop beating at the exact place where they would actually store the bodies before they’re being used. Dying in my apartment room doesn’t really appeal to me. I don’t want to create a hassle where somebody has to schlep my body around. Can you imagine being dead and still be a burden to someone? Also, where do people buy body bags? I wonder if they do like a prime 2-day delivery. In the event of a demise-causing-amount-of blood spurting out of my person, I wouldn’t want to leave a mess for someone to clean up—that would be rude. It should be much cleaner and easier to manage if everything is contained within a cadaver bag.

...

Ok, you know what, never mind—too many things to be mindful of. Fuck. I can’t believe being too polite is the only thing keeping me from actually executing any plans. Nope. Let’s be honest, you’re just a wimp, Sash. One day, maybe.

Again, let me reiterate: I am A-OK. I assure you, you’ll still see me being miserable and think about dying tomorrow and the day after. But other than that, everything’s fine.

Peace out, homies.

#suicide tw #ed tw

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