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turns out i simply cannot handle things or situations
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my love, you make the most mundane things feel like a good time. of course iâll go grocery shopping with you.
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maybe life is not for everyone
Iâve been meaning to translate these jumbled mess of thoughts into coherent sentences. Just to see them from a distance. I donât know why I think it mattersâit really doesnât. But here we are.
Come on in, everyone. Welcome to my version of a â¨spiraling free fall â¨
Iâm okay, by the wayâI think? If we share some commonality in terms of how we define okay, it really is not that serious. My suicidal thoughts have all been passive and my brain hasnât lost its chemical capacity to perform my role as a functioning adult. In all honesty, Iâm a bit wary of using the word depression; itâs such a blanket term thatâs too intimately linked with the clinical branch of depression. The more nuanced lower end of the spectrum gets slided onto the back burner, because itâs not pressingâwhich is a perfectly sound logic. Given that none of my symptoms directly point to major/clinical depression, Iâm more inclined to stay away from it altogether. My episodes are never debilitating to the extent that I ignore hygiene or fail to keep my job. So it feels stupid to be open about my minor inconveniences. Iâd much rather invalidate my own mental struggle before someone can say to my face âYouâre just faking it for attentionââ
You know how people sometimes say âI havenât been feeling myself lately,â More often than not, it indicates a varying degree of emotional disturbancesâbe it gloomy, anxious, in despair, discontent, bitter, or what have you. You recognize what your normal behavior looks like and you get a sense when it deviates off the course. In contrast, I canât really tell if my low-spirited nature is just a part of a temporary mental distress or is it actually me. It has been my default state for as long as I can remember that it successfully assimilated into my personality traits. So much so that if I were to say âI havenât been feeling like myself lately,â it would mean a good thing.
I learned to make peace with the way life works; how to navigate through the challenges while keeping my head above water. The secret is to give up all your hopes and be okay with not thriving. Life is not actually that bad when you feel apathetic. Iâve fully embraced my apathy and made it my homeâvery comfy here, 10/10 would recommend. Because who the fuck got time to do some thriving? Also, why must we thrive as humans? Why is that a necessity? Who decided that? Why canât we just survive? How is it not enough to survive?Â
Not quite sure what else there even is to life that makes me willingly choose it every single day. But surviving has to be enough for now. I am not putting any more effort into this bullshit.Â
Anyway, thatâs the baseline. Thatâs what my good day looks like. Lukewarm, with a hint of melancholy. Now, on to the good stuffâ
Every time something drives me over the edge, my go-to coping mechanism has always been limited to safe non-lethal strategies, which include social withdrawal (textbook self-sabotaging behavior) and restrictive food intake (an effort to regain some sense of control apparently). It wasnât until recently that my brain got a bit more creative and incorporated suicidal ideation into the mix. Whenever I only have my thoughts to keep me company, itâs incredibly easy to spiral into a self-destructive existential conundrum. Although the problematic eating behavior has now also progressed into a more frequent pattern. Anxiety is no longer needed to spur the action. I just need a win sometimes. And running on two cups of coffee and nothing else all day is the most instantaneous way to earn a sense of accomplishment. (PSA: I donât recommend it though. Itâs ok for me and me only, it really is not good for you, kids.)
I wonder, why has nobody told you that as you get older, cutting your life short is becoming a more and more interesting option? It really feels like Iâve maxed out on my lifetime serotonin quotaâitâs all spent. Iâm done. At this point Iâm not even living anymore; Iâm just wasting everybodyâs time. The thought of having to endure 20-30 more years of this fucking non-consensual existence is such a nightmare. (Actually, with the rapidly accelerating climate change and billionaires continuing to play gods, 30 years is probably too generous.)Â
When it comes to the subject of suicide, some peopleâs prevention approach is to say stuff like â...think about how that makes your loved ones feel,â or âThereâs so many things youâre going to miss out on,â First of all, letâs think about how I feel, ok. This is about meâfocus up! Secondly, I donât know where you got your biology lesson from, but you actually donât have to worry about missing anything if you donât wake up tomorrow. Because when youâre flatlined, your neurons stop firing. Ergo you canât think, you canât feelâso you wouldnât have any function left to miss anything. Win-win.
Iâve been told countless times that itâs temporary; that there will come a time when I wonât feel this way anymore. But man...when youâre swimming across any large, deep body of water and then around mid way youâre slowly feeling your energy level is plummeting below zero, we all know how thatâs gonna end. Thereâs no way you would ever be able to make it to the shore. Even if itâs only a few feet ahead of you. Thereâs nothing you can do except to let the water take you in.Â
Iâve been enjoying looking into how body donation works lately. Interesting hobbyâquite niche if I do say so myself. Unfortunately Science Care does not currently operate where I live. Also, in Mass you have to sign a consent paper thatâs called Instrument of Anatomical Gift. But there has to be two witnesses. Urgh...! Ideally, Iâd like my heart to stop beating at the exact place where they would actually store the bodies before theyâre being used. Dying in my apartment room doesnât really appeal to me. I donât want to create a hassle where somebody has to schlep my body around. Can you imagine being dead and still be a burden to someone? Also, where do people buy body bags? I wonder if they do like a prime 2-day delivery. In the event of a demise-causing-amount-of blood spurting out of my person, I wouldnât want to leave a mess for someone to clean upâthat would be rude. It should be much cleaner and easier to manage if everything is contained within a cadaver bag.Â
...
Ok, you know what, never mindâtoo many things to be mindful of. Fuck. I canât believe being too polite is the only thing keeping me from actually executing any plans. Nope. Letâs be honest, youâre just a wimp, Sash. One day, maybe.
Again, let me reiterate: I am A-OK. I assure you, youâll still see me being miserable and think about dying tomorrow and the day after. But other than that, everythingâs fine.Â
Peace out, homies.
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yes my feelings are valid but i don't want them
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i wanna lie on the floor and not think for a month or two.
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âŚyou and I knew strange corners of life.
F. Scott Fitzgerald // This Side of Paradise (via qvotable)
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