#Everyone makes me feel so... insecure | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fishbrain-glubglub · 5 months

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She's Not Here

If anyone were to ask the BAU who the epitome of masculinity was, they would all immediately point towards their Unit Chief: SSA Aaron Hotchner.

The man effortlessly oozed masculinity. His solid 6’2” stature framed perfectly in his tailored suits made many mouths water at the sight, daydreaming about the body that lay in waiting underneath. Not a day went by where at least one person hadn't drooled over his stubble-peppered jawline, claiming it was sharp enough to effortlessly cut glass. His signature stoic aura only emphasized his classic alpha male status to any passersby familiar or not to the man. There was no doubt to anyone's mind that Aaron Hotchner was what every man dreamed to be.

But standing in only his boxer briefs in front of his bedroom mirror, all Aaron could see was everything he deemed wasn't manly. His hips were too wide despite being surrounded by well-toned muscle after decades of running and UnSub chasing. His jawline, while covered in stubble not yet shaven, wasn't as sharp as many of his admirers claimed it was. His shoulders, while looking wide and commanding in a sharp suit, felt narrow and small bared for his room to see. His chest bulged in all the wrong ways despite the faint twin scars bordering the bottom of each toned pectoral. Despite the decades of time Aaron had worked to achieve his current form, he could still see her poking through every insecurity he kept hidden, taunting him with the same dark chocolate eyes that sent even the most hardened UnSubs cowering.

A scowl glared back at him in the mirror as he crossed his arms defensively across his chest. The phantom ache of utter wrongness seeping from every inch of his skin began to rapidly bubble to the surface. No matter how hard he tried to quell her from resurfacing, she always managed to seep through the cracks, blasting a neon sign to reveal all of his obvious flaws to the world and to himself. He couldn't seem to shake the ghost of her presence no matter how hard he tried. It was days like this that he wondered why he even tried so hard to be himself, to be comfortable in his own skin.

A tiny flash of silver caught his eye in the mirror before two familiar lanky arms enveloped him from behind, pulling Aaron out from his mental spiral. A calming warmth spread against his backside before the caress of soft lips peppered his shoulders.

“Keep glaring at the mirror like that and it might just confess.”

A soft huff of laughter escaped from Aaron's lips as his gaze left his own and settled on bright amber hues eyeing him lovingly from behind. His arms never left their tight embrace over his chest, but his stance softened significantly. He let his shoulders sag and gently leaned back into the comforting embrace of his husband.

Spencer gave Aaron's torso a soft squeeze, beginning a gentle sway of their body's to a tune unheard by Aaron but calming nonetheless.

They stayed tangled in front of the mirror until Aaron's arm finally fell from their tense state across his chest, turning his back to the mirror and nuzzling his face into the crook of his partner's neck. His hands settled on Spencer's hips as Spencer snaked his hands up his husband's torso before settling around Aaron's neck. They continued to sway to an unknown tune in the comfort of their room hidden safely away from the rest of the world. Aaron was so lost in Spencer's embrace that he hadn't realized he had begun to tremble until he heard his husband begin to gently soothe him.

“Shh, sweetheart. It's okay. I'm right here.” Aaron felt one of Spencer's hands begin to caress the hairs on his neck, causing his already shaky resolve to fracture further. His arms tightened around his husband briefly, desperately trying to cling to any semblance of his hardened stoic mask as he could.

“Aaron.” Spencer's hand left his hair to cup his face, pulling Aaron from the safety of his partner's neck. He kept his gaze down and away from the growing concern in his husband's eyes and tried desperately to reign in his emotions.

Spencer was having none of it. “Aaron,” he repeated, rubbing gentle circles on his husband's trembling cheek. “Honey, please. Talk to me.”

Aaron instinctively shook his head, not wanting to voice his thoughts. If he said them out loud, it meant admitting they were true. He desperately clung to the silence, wanting to cling to his masculinity as long as he could.

Aaron felt his husband sigh. He closed his eyes, mentally preparing for the worst: Spencer telling him he couldn't be with someone so unmanly as Aaron. Spencer withdrawing and leaving him to deal with his internal turmoil on his own. Spencer telling him to suck it up and deal with it like a real man.

Deep down, Aaron knew these scenarios would never happen. Spencer had seen Aaron at his lowest many times over, had known his deepest secret longer than the rest of the team - save for Rossi who had known since Aaron had originally joined the FBI. They wouldn't have gotten married if Spencer hadn't been confident in their commitment to each other for the rest of their lives.

That still didn't stop Aaron's mind from jumping to the worst at every moment it could.

A gentle hand under his chin snapped Aaron's gaze to his husband's, finding nothing but concern and worry in the comforting amber eyes. Spencer's frown pulled his brow down in a way Aaron wanted to kiss away, instantly hating himself for putting that look on his face.

“Why don't you finish getting ready, okay?” Spencer's hand returned to his cheek, rubbing soothing patterns against the peaking stubble. “I'll be right here when you're ready.”

With a small nod, they untangled themselves from each other before Aaron walked over to his dresser, ignoring the mirror as much as he could. It only took a moment for him to slip on the thin shirt before turning back to their bed.

Spencer had already settled on his side of the bed, watching his partner with caring eyes. Aaron crossed the room quickly, turning off his bedside lamp before slipping under the covers and settling against his husband, holding him as close as he could without suffocating the man.

Aaron was grateful for the few moments Spencer allowed them to stay tightly embraced. He knew he would have to talk about it soon, but for a moment, he could lose himself in the embrace of the man he trusted everything to. He siphoned as much love and comfort he could before Spencer shifted, squirming his way out of Aaron's close embrace and forced their eyes to meet.

No words were spoken at first. Spencer had resumed the comforting patterns on Aaron’s cheek, providing a grounding presence to his inner turmoil. After a few more silent moments, Aaron closed his eyes and braced himself.

“She won’t leave me alone.”

Arms immediately wrapped around his shoulders, pulling Aaron close to the warmth of his husband’s chest. Tears he wasn’t previously aware of began to stream down his face as he took in a ragged breath, all of his pent up emotions flooding to the surface. It was as if the dam holding back all of his frustration broke at the contact. Silent sobs wracked his body as he felt the soothing hum of Spencer’s voice against the man’s chest.

“Shh, sweetheart. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Spencer resumed carding gentle fingers through Aaron’s short locks. “She’s not here anymore, remember? She hasn’t been here in a long time. All I see is my amazing, strong, handsome, sexy husband.” A weak wet laugh cut through the quiet sobs. “I’m serious!” Spencer added with a smile in his voice. “Do you know how many men and women I catch eyeing you at the office? Hell, the amount of times I’ve caught Morgan eyeing you out of jealousy in the past two weeks and three days alone should be enough proof. That’s not even mentioning how many whispered conversations I overhear in the bullpen from JJ and Emily on what you look like underneath your suit on a weekly basis. JJ, who is perfectly happy in her marriage to Will, and Emily, who hungrily stares at every woman in a short skirt who walks past her desk. Rossi might seem like a neutral party, but anyone can see the smirk he hides in his morning cup of coffee when you open the door for a poor intern as they practically trip over themselves to follow. Garcia doesn’t even need an explanation. And don’t even get me started on the amount of LEOs I’ve caught eyeing you in your vest. It should be downright sinful to look as rugged as you do with your sleeves rolled up, gun in hand, commanding the scene with only a glare.” Spencer chuckled softly, scratching Aaron’s scalp. “That’s not even touching the amount of glazed over faces I spot when you talk. I’m sure you could get almost an entire room of highly decorated officers to do whatever you wanted with a single command. Any deity knows I would comply to your sultry voice in an instant.”

Laughter had rapidly replaced the sobs shaking Aaron’s body. He hid himself against his husband’s chest, covering his blushing cheeks from Spencer’s generous observations. “Spence,” he whined.

“I swear, Aaron, it’s a good thing you're married. Otherwise, you’d have people throwing themselves left and right at you. You’re the perfect male specimen. Hell, even I’m jealous of you, and I’m the one that married you!”

Aaron couldn’t hold back the eyeroll as he peaked out from his hiding spot. He felt his face split into a wide grin before replaying Spencer’s words in his head, his smile faltering. He glanced away, muttering softly under his breath, feeling himself tense all over again.

“Hey, hey. Don’t do that.” Spencer cupped his face with one hand and forced their eyes to meet. “What’s wrong, love?”

A sigh escaped Aaron’s lips before he whispered, “I’m not the perfect male specimen.”

Spencer’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

Aaron let out a dejected huff. “I’m not the perfect male specimen,” he repeated a little louder. “I can’t even-” His voice cracked. “I don’t have… I couldn’t…” Tears blurred his vision. “Haley had to… Jack isn't even-”

“I’m going to stop you right there, Aaron.” Spencer propped himself up on one elbow, still cradling Aaron’s tear-stricken face with the other. “Whatever you’re thinking about stops right now. You, Aaron Thomas Hotchner-Reid, are that boy’s father. No amount of DNA tests or medical insemination procedures with sperm donors can tell you otherwise. You have raised Jack from the very beginning, and you have done it wonderfully. He is growing into such a bright and confident young man because you are showing him how. You are an amazing father, and I know for a fact that Jack wants to grow up to be just like you.”

Whatever argument Aaron had to counter died on his tongue as Spencer leaned down for a soft kiss. There was no heat or alternative motive behind the gesture. It stayed soft and gentle, soothing Aaron’s inner turmoil. Reaching up, he wrapped Spencer in his arms and pulled the man down to his chest, soaking in the love and care from the contact. They laid together, wrapped in each other’s arms and sharing gentle kisses until the last bit of tension left Aaron’s body. After one more press of their lips, Spencer scooted down his body, snuggling into his chest and resting his ear right over Aaron’s now calm heart.

“Now sleep,” Spencer muttered, already half asleep. “You need your energy to ward off all your admirers at the office and to take your husband on an extra long lunch break tomorrow.”

Aaron frowned. “What are we doing that requires a long lunch break?”

He felt Spencer’s sleepy mischievous smile against his chest “You’re going to prove to me just how manly you are.”

“Oh really?” Aaron couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. “And how am I going to do that?”

“I’m sure you’ll come up with a few ideas.”

As Aaron kissed the top of his husband’s head and settled in for the night, he couldn’t help but think of all the ways he would prove Spencer right.

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toytulini · 5 days

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man the thing about beauty standards and being ugly and being pretty and being insecure is that ultimately you do just kinda have to Decide that youre pretty. like ultimately thats how you become pretty, or hot, or sexy. you have to just Decide that you Are. you have to recognize that its made up, its arbitrary, its subjective, and that people might disagree with you about it, and as much as you are able, you need to completely and utterly disregard their opinions on your appearance, and decide that youre pretty now. and THEN.

you need to find beauty in "ugly". you need to recognize that ugly is made up, that its arbitrary, that its subjective, and you need to be able to find the beauty in it all. and this means you cant bodyshame people. you cant body shame shitty celebs or politicians. you need to base your criticisms on the substance of their character and misdeeds and unhinged horrific opinions and not give a shit about what they look like. you cant go calling people ugly for being shitty. you cant go calling people ugly for looking A Way You Dont Like.

and then if you wanna really galaxy brain this shit you start using ugly as endearment. OBVIOUSLY do not fucking call other human beings ugly. that shit is far too loaded, its just Rude. Dont call specific features of people or even characters ugly cos thats also too loaded. as a term it has baggage. but you can see the ugly in tacky, loud, garish clothing, and it can be Good. you can see the ugly in a distinctive, horrible tiny car from the 90s, and it can be good. you can see the ugly in animals that have evolved to look the way they do, without a single thought of what humans find appealing. you can see the beauty and the freedom in "Ugliness". you can break out of this shit altogether and feel nothing but disdain for anyone who stoops to insulting your appearance if they disagree with you about shit. you can get completely out of the cave of these beauty standards. you can find it so freeing to revel.in letting yourself be ugly. in recognizing that the way you look and exist might be ugly to some people, and youre out of the cave enough to simply recognize. thats just your opinion and it doesnt matter. didnt ask.

you can look at ppl arguing about the correct amount of skincare products to use daily, the Correct Amount of makeup, and whether or not its radical to conform to beauty standards or defy them and argue about is it really conforming if visible makeup pisses men off, and you can say, well I dont care about any of that, I recognize the societal pressures of flawless skin and all that but you see,

I just want to look like a silly little clown :o3

#toy txt post #i wasnt gonna end this on that silly note. but then i had to #ugly #pretty #beauty standards #not saying its easy. not saying you have to do this #but like if youre tired of feeling insecure about your face your fashion. you gotta just figure out what you like and lean in #and you gotra recognize this shit is made up and subjective and arbitrary and you shouldnt be doing it for anyone else ever #i used to be insecure about a few features of mine that i feared made me Ugly. and then i Decided to try to find it pretty.#it sounds so stupid and made up but like literally i just. Decided. im pretty now. this is pretty. this shit is made up. why am i listening #to you. you dont know shit. im pretty now. AND THEN i decided. actually. im ugly on purpose now but not in a way that has much to do with #my actual appearance so much as my complete disregard for your opinion on my appearance. you gotta do it for you. you gotta dress for #yourself #ANYWAY #before anyone comes in with how beauty standards are often externally enforced via peer and social pressure:#yea bud im a human being on planet earth. im aware. thats why i said: as much as you are able. i recognize i have a number of privileges in #this regard that not everyone does. the way im given more space and freedom to dress like a little freak as a thin white person etc #but like i still had and have societal pressure to shave my legs and underarms to conform. theres societal and peer pressure to wear makeup #and i just. dont. the legs thing is less noticeable tho ill admit cos i also Hate Shorts but thats a whole complicated can of worms #which also involves i am not exposing myself to ticks like that are u insane #anyway. yea. the other magical thing about this philosophy of mine is that you also just dont have to. like you can just Ignore Me.#you can keep doing what youre doing and thats fine too #but genuinely if you struggle with insecurity about appearance you gotta just. this is the fake it til u make it shit #i decided im pretty now and it got easier to take selfies bc i was pretty then #doing art and exploring different faces for ocs and making them look different from the conventional beauty standards. also helped #and like dont get me wrong theres still shit im vain about appearance wise that doesnt matter. i still like to style my hair before i leave #the house etc. im still looking in the cave sometimes #but perhaps one day i will be as blissfully uncaring about ppls perception of me as a fuckin goby #anyway. anyway anyway anyway #if you do this things get so much easier. but you dont have to. i have no power over you

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yearnoyama · 2 months

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Happy birthday ritsuka uenoyama the entirety of given DOSENT DESERVE U AT ALL

#the narrative the characters the fandom and kizu should be ashamed of themselves ngl #the way you gave your VERY ALL to save mafuyu at his darkest being there at his lowest helping him to find light again #even if you think you are no better than the other even when you dont know his whole story even if you feel no better than his first #you still gave your very best for him by finishing his deceased lover's song and sang it for him #only for your character arc your development your issues insecurities and trauma to be ignored shunned and discredited #your lover was your first but you knew you weren't his first #you knew he loved someone way before you and now that he's gone your lover still clutched on to the past #but you helped him moved on from the darkness and give him the light through music #you ended up filling the void he left for your lover and everyone else only for you to become a shadow of him #the fact that you a main character is constantly set aside and had no character arc whatsoever just to make way for a deceased lover #you are often demonized and hated and told that his lover and his previous lover should've been together and he would choose him over you #and when you asked him one thing he then ignored you and you tired to reach out to him only for them to blame you as you are the problem #seeing you often makes me sad because you did SO MUCH of the story and the narrative would just trash you out #but when someone calls out that you deserved better the same people will stake them saying that you dont undertand the narrative at all #if they cant appreciate your efforts just because you are not him then i would #if you were my oc i would give u the amount of love they never gave #if you were my oc i would develop and expand your character arc so that i would know you better and your ambitions #if you were my oc i would make sure you would be as loved as everyone else #and if you were my oc i would create someone to love you understand your troubles and appreciate you efforts way more than your lover could #the fandom may love a previous lover he loved but you ritsuka uenoyama shall be mine #dont mind the corny ass tags i just feel like it lmfao #uenoyama deserves better #uenoyama ritsuka #ritsuka uenoyama #given #given manga #given anime #bl animanga

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definitelynotshouting · 9 months

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Can i just say guys, holy fucking macaroni, like. I know i say this a lot, but the reception for hunger au has been like NOTHING ive ever experienced before, and im so incredibly grateful for it. Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much-- writing hunger au has probably been my best overall experience of 2023 and thats all thanks to yalls lovely comments, bookmarks, kudos, and asks i get in my inbox about it. It's hard to believe this is real sometimes, you guys just blow me away ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Its still several hours from midnight for me, but i wanted to wish everyone a preemptive happy new year anyways :] heres to another year of hunger au, which is so very far from being finished, and i cant wait to keep writing it for yall!!!!! :DD and again, thank you guys so so much for such a crazy and wonderful response to my self indulgent fic, because without it this never would have grown to be what it is today❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Happy New Year everybody!!!! 🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆 See yall in 2024!!! :D

#shouting speaks #hunger au #1200 subs...... over 1k bookmarks...... ALMOST 700 INDIVIDUAL COMMENTS........#literally ive never had this much reception from a fandom before its mind-blowing #yall are so wonderful and kind about writing im very often insecure about #and the fact that my story resonates with a hugely significant portion of yall never ceases to humble me #i feel so lucky and privileged to be writing this for yall and to be receiving so much kindness in return for it #LIKE IM JUST. NOT TO BE SAPPY BUT I HAVE MET INCREDIBLE PEOPLE I NEVER WOULD HAVE MET IF I HADNT POSTED THIS FIC #and that just BLOWS ME AWAY #ive gained incredibly close friendships and met wonderful people and have had very sweet anons come regularly to my inbox #i read and cherish every single compliment #2023 has been an incredibly hard year for my health and stress. but everyones love for this story makes my heart so full❤️❤️#so uh. thank u guys 🥺🥺🥺🥺 for being wonderful and supporting this fic so much #and all my other fics!!! stg scarian fandom hits different yall are so incredible to me #blowing u guys kisses /silly #cant wait to finish arc 1 and start on arc 2 in the new year!!!#❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆🎆#txt

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feline-evil · 7 months

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Dethvanity is really funny to me conceptually as an episode because you can see how little they had to make the characters insecure about for the bit. They swing for obvious lowblow choices with Pickle' baldness and Nathan's weight and even those require some suspension of disbelief because ok. Sure. Nathan '(said extremely proudly) never skipped a meal in my life!' Explosion is insecure about being a big man now. Nathan *guy who everyone thinks is smoking hot 99% of the time* Explosion is a tiny bit larger than usual and is insecure about it now. Lol. Lmao even.

But anyway then we hit Skwisgaar and Toki and there's like NOTHING to swing for, you can see them going uhhh ok Skwis doesn't sleep he probably drinks a lot of coffee, and Toki? Shit, what does Toki have to be insecure about with his looks. He's perfect, he's adorable, he's ripped. Um. FUCK IT, HE'S DOING NOTHING BUT EATING LEMONS. WE GOT NOTHING, WE GOT NOTHING, JUST GIVE THE BOY CITRUS FRUITS.

WOE 🍋 BE UPON YE

I'm sure i could make some smarter points about the attempts at applying vanity in this ep and how outside of this and a few other moments i do actually like that the show rarely takes pot shots at things like Nathan's weight, but you see Nathan has shirtless scenes in this one and so my intelligence is impeded when all the blood rushes out of my head and into my-

#metalocalypse #jay talkin #I LOVE TOKI'S LEMON EATING CHALLENGE HES ON IN THIS EP. BABY YR STRANGE AND PECULIAR #pickles being insecure abt balding is funny too. my man has chosen a hairstyle that is actively making that worse for himself #buddy if u didnt have whiteguy dreads impromise yr hair wld be healthier. but we love u for yr octopus swag anyway <3 #also hi nathan dont listen to the tv listen to me you look great. hi hello. im unsheathing my sword to cut down anyone who makes u feel bad #EVERYBODY IN UNIVERSE IS A COWARD. ITS BIG BOY SEASON. COME GET U ONE #dethvanity isnt in my list of favs i think most its humour is rlly easy lowballs but i find it funny for reasons outside of that #which is namely the show trying to make charavters insecure abt things when they absolutely are not any other time lmao #trying to find things to make skwis and toki insecure abt but theres NOTHING. ITS RLLY FUNNY #listen. putting my hand on everyones shoulder. lets not ignore the elephant in the room this show is uh #OFTEN VERY FATPHOBIC. so its no bastion of rep just cuz it doesnt take all the pot shots it cld at nathans body #it still does take some and theres plently of fatphobia outside of nathans character #but i do like that nathan is a bigger guy and outside of a few eps thats just treated as smth fine! its not remarked on outside of those!#and i think his body is drawn really well and i like that hes permitted to be sexy and to be like. seen with his body out just as much #as like anyone else in the band. like yeah duh nathan explosion is sexy in universe ppl are rocking with this. AS THEY SHOULD BE #idk like i say. not denying the show its fatphobia just saying i like how nathan is treated and portrayed a lot of the time :]

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viiinz · 6 months

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everyday I think about him (Ippolit Terentyev)

#the idiot #ippolit terentyev #idk why of all characters he's the one that has left such an impression on me but oh boy #it's been over a year since I've read his 'explanation' and everything that followed and it hasn't left my mind since #god all he wanted was some sympathy and recognition #and they just make fun of him #literally all this boy wants is to be taken seriously and no one does #they either laugh at him or beg him to shut up #because his vulnerability and the fact that he's dying makes them so uncomfortable #and he's so ashamed as well over his own vulnerbility #that even when people aren't laughing at him he'll imagine they are #and people blame him for being self absorbed?? like of course he is!!#he's EIGHTEEN and DYING #this is a teenager who's just come to the realisation that he has no agency over his life whatsoever #and that all that awaits him are the cruel laws of nature #he has a right to be upset about that #he's literally the man condemned to death that myshkin talked about #and yes he's ridiculous and awkward and not always right and incoherent and all that #and he can really be insufferable and contemptuous and unfeeling towards others #and even the state he's in doesn't really serve as an excuse for that #yet i feel bad for him #and he's such a teenager too he's so insecure and just wants to impress the people around him #and yes he's doing it for attention #of course he wants attention #can you blame him??#all he wants is to be heard #to feel like his life mattered #but instead everyone's just begging him to shut up #like they're just waiting for him to kick the bucket so the uncomfortable ordeal can be over with #sorry i just have a lot of thoughts about Ippolit and I'm being very incoherent because i didn't plan on typing all this lol

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stabbedyou · 8 days

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#mine #glitter text #woke up feeling like a filipina princess #hi #i hate eurocentric beauty standards #i am cute and have a cute nose and hooded eyes but it doesn’t matter #also being mixed is confusing cause 🇵🇭 is m main #not white enough for white ppl #not black enough for black ppl #but asian enough for everyone 😭🙇🏻‍♀️#i hate asian fetishizers #they r so nasty n make me insecure #the knife girl

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beeing-stuupid · 9 days

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in the constant battle of buying more make up thought i have like no more money 😔💔

#shitpost #why am i so poor #manifesting me gaining money out of no where #i need more makeup #i’m not insecure i just like feeling pretty sometime #omg #begging this christmas everyone just gives me money again #cuz no one knows what i like #me too tho #i can’t just ask for make up as a present #soooo give me money :D #pretty please :3

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teabutmakeitazure · 2 months

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told my mom to not talk about family politics and get more stressed out and suddenly my cousin thinks i dont want her here because im not letting them talk

#i mean. i dont want you here but what i dont want more is for my mom to be stressed #you all already make her feel beneath everyone else even though she's not i dont want you to stress her out even more #vent #'my sister was married at 19 to our cousin who is in Australia thats the best proposal any girl can get :D'#no it isnt. her parents in law (my aunt and uncle) dont allow her to go to anyone's house. not even ours (my mom is my aunts sister)#and shut your trap not everyone's goal in life is to be married to an overweight bear who's 10 years older than u and hairier than a carpet #i say anything about my uni and suddenly im showing off and making her feel beneath me eventho YOU asked me if the academics are hard or no #my mom says my uni is in the top 20 of QS world uni rankings 2025 and suddenly she's making her feel beneath me even tho my mom was just-#-trying to humble brag while you were also 'humble' bragging about your sister doing software engineering and how she's the first in the-#-family to do it #wtf is going on here take me out #plz just take me out #zuri rambles #how can people be so insecure and for no reason #sometimes i dont even say anything and the way im dressed is to show off where i am for uni. like?????? im wearing traditional clothes wtf

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whoblewboobear · 3 months

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Staring down that weird feeling of feeling like too much or out of place or annoying if I say too much or say things too loud or too off-putting to be like- WANTED in any given social situation. To try so hard to socialize just to- idk. I’d very much like to stop defaulting to that scared kid that was pushed away or talked over until I got old enough and desperate enough to say any and every rapid fire thought that comes to mind. Like filling space when there’s dead air then wondering if maybe I did the Too Much™️ thing again and A. Scared everyone away or B. Pushed everyone away so it would hurt less when they leave BC of A.

Of feeling like I need to be useful or smart or talented or pretty or SOMETHING worthwhile so people want me around. I can just be but then it’s like just being has never been enough for anyone to like- stay. Or care. Running is always a mistake bc it’s like riiiight.. no one noticed you ran, babe. You’re not even at the top of their list people to want around. And just feel so low about it that I talk myself into feeling miserable again.

I’m happy, ive been so much happier lately and i dont take it for granted bc it’s so rare that things go okay or that there’s a sense of peace for a moment. I’m creating again and im less hard on myself about it. I have hobbies again, I’m making friends. And still I’m like seeing the other foot start to drop in real time bc it’s like. You’re in, but are you? That constant nagging voice that sounds so much like my own going “lonely again? Good you deserve it”

#me: there’s time..#also me: THERES NO TIME #now see the thing they don’t tell you about taking lexapro is that you’ll have the motivation and energy to reinvest in hobbies when you’ve #been in depression hell for so long #also thank god it makes the excessive worry thoughts thiiiiiis loud 👌#like nooo babe there’s time #there’s always time if I’m okay with the crushing feeling of splitting my attention TOO much that I don’t connect with either fandom #that’s spooky #shaking and screaming like ‘don’t look at the notes it doesn’t matter’#and it truly doesn’t #sigh #I just keep coming back to that Brennan/hank green clip #where Brennan is talking about feeling like you just /dont/ belong even tho u did commit to trying you’ll always have that scared little #kid at the back of your mind with no friends reconfirming that no one likes you #I don’t know..#in theory people like me #but /i/ can never be normal about it #and I keep like.. I dunno #it’s tough spending your whole life never being the one people seek out #never the one that people WANT to hear talk #constantly feeling like too much and wondering if I should pull back #for people to get weirded out when I pull back #it’s exhausting #and it’s lonely #and even after 24 years I’m still the same insecure kid talking in the group chat while everyone else is silent #like am I too much am I too desperate #even like talking to my mom- who’s opinion of me truly doesn’t matter anymore just constantly interrupt me or talk over me #or ignore me so I’m repeating myself over and over just to give up #personal #fuck

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