#not my insecurities seeping through hotch

[fishbrain-glubglub]

She's Not Here

If anyone were to ask the BAU who the epitome of masculinity was, they would all immediately point towards their Unit Chief: SSA Aaron Hotchner.

The man effortlessly oozed masculinity. His solid 6’2” stature framed perfectly in his tailored suits made many mouths water at the sight, daydreaming about the body that lay in waiting underneath. Not a day went by where at least one person hadn't drooled over his stubble-peppered jawline, claiming it was sharp enough to effortlessly cut glass. His signature stoic aura only emphasized his classic alpha male status to any passersby familiar or not to the man. There was no doubt to anyone's mind that Aaron Hotchner was what every man dreamed to be.

But standing in only his boxer briefs in front of his bedroom mirror, all Aaron could see was everything he deemed wasn't manly. His hips were too wide despite being surrounded by well-toned muscle after decades of running and UnSub chasing. His jawline, while covered in stubble not yet shaven, wasn't as sharp as many of his admirers claimed it was. His shoulders, while looking wide and commanding in a sharp suit, felt narrow and small bared for his room to see. His chest bulged in all the wrong ways despite the faint twin scars bordering the bottom of each toned pectoral. Despite the decades of time Aaron had worked to achieve his current form, he could still see her poking through every insecurity he kept hidden, taunting him with the same dark chocolate eyes that sent even the most hardened UnSubs cowering.

A scowl glared back at him in the mirror as he crossed his arms defensively across his chest. The phantom ache of utter wrongness seeping from every inch of his skin began to rapidly bubble to the surface. No matter how hard he tried to quell her from resurfacing, she always managed to seep through the cracks, blasting a neon sign to reveal all of his obvious flaws to the world and to himself. He couldn't seem to shake the ghost of her presence no matter how hard he tried. It was days like this that he wondered why he even tried so hard to be himself, to be comfortable in his own skin.

A tiny flash of silver caught his eye in the mirror before two familiar lanky arms enveloped him from behind, pulling Aaron out from his mental spiral. A calming warmth spread against his backside before the caress of soft lips peppered his shoulders.

“Keep glaring at the mirror like that and it might just confess.”

A soft huff of laughter escaped from Aaron's lips as his gaze left his own and settled on bright amber hues eyeing him lovingly from behind. His arms never left their tight embrace over his chest, but his stance softened significantly. He let his shoulders sag and gently leaned back into the comforting embrace of his husband.

Spencer gave Aaron's torso a soft squeeze, beginning a gentle sway of their body's to a tune unheard by Aaron but calming nonetheless.

They stayed tangled in front of the mirror until Aaron's arm finally fell from their tense state across his chest, turning his back to the mirror and nuzzling his face into the crook of his partner's neck. His hands settled on Spencer's hips as Spencer snaked his hands up his husband's torso before settling around Aaron's neck. They continued to sway to an unknown tune in the comfort of their room hidden safely away from the rest of the world. Aaron was so lost in Spencer's embrace that he hadn't realized he had begun to tremble until he heard his husband begin to gently soothe him.

“Shh, sweetheart. It's okay. I'm right here.” Aaron felt one of Spencer's hands begin to caress the hairs on his neck, causing his already shaky resolve to fracture further. His arms tightened around his husband briefly, desperately trying to cling to any semblance of his hardened stoic mask as he could.

“Aaron.” Spencer's hand left his hair to cup his face, pulling Aaron from the safety of his partner's neck. He kept his gaze down and away from the growing concern in his husband's eyes and tried desperately to reign in his emotions.

Spencer was having none of it. “Aaron,” he repeated, rubbing gentle circles on his husband's trembling cheek. “Honey, please. Talk to me.”

Aaron instinctively shook his head, not wanting to voice his thoughts. If he said them out loud, it meant admitting they were true. He desperately clung to the silence, wanting to cling to his masculinity as long as he could.

Aaron felt his husband sigh. He closed his eyes, mentally preparing for the worst: Spencer telling him he couldn't be with someone so unmanly as Aaron. Spencer withdrawing and leaving him to deal with his internal turmoil on his own. Spencer telling him to suck it up and deal with it like a real man. 

Deep down, Aaron knew these scenarios would never happen. Spencer had seen Aaron at his lowest many times over, had known his deepest secret longer than the rest of the team - save for Rossi who had known since Aaron had originally joined the FBI. They wouldn't have gotten married if Spencer hadn't been confident in their commitment to each other for the rest of their lives.

That still didn't stop Aaron's mind from jumping to the worst at every moment it could.

A gentle hand under his chin snapped Aaron's gaze to his husband's, finding nothing but concern and worry in the comforting amber eyes. Spencer's frown pulled his brow down in a way Aaron wanted to kiss away, instantly hating himself for putting that look on his face.

“Why don't you finish getting ready, okay?” Spencer's hand returned to his cheek, rubbing soothing patterns against the peaking stubble. “I'll be right here when you're ready.”

With a small nod, they untangled themselves from each other before Aaron walked over to his dresser, ignoring the mirror as much as he could. It only took a moment for him to slip on the thin shirt before turning back to their bed.

Spencer had already settled on his side of the bed, watching his partner with caring eyes. Aaron crossed the room quickly, turning off his bedside lamp before slipping under the covers and settling against his husband, holding him as close as he could without suffocating the man.

Aaron was grateful for the few moments Spencer allowed them to stay tightly embraced. He knew he would have to talk about it soon, but for a moment, he could lose himself in the embrace of the man he trusted everything to. He siphoned as much love and comfort he could before Spencer shifted, squirming his way out of Aaron's close embrace and forced their eyes to meet.

No words were spoken at first. Spencer had resumed the comforting patterns on Aaron’s cheek, providing a grounding presence to his inner turmoil. After a few more silent moments, Aaron closed his eyes and braced himself.

“She won’t leave me alone.”

Arms immediately wrapped around his shoulders, pulling Aaron close to the warmth of his husband’s chest. Tears he wasn’t previously aware of began to stream down his face as he took in a ragged breath, all of his pent up emotions flooding to the surface. It was as if the dam holding back all of his frustration broke at the contact. Silent sobs wracked his body as he felt the soothing hum of Spencer’s voice against the man’s chest.

“Shh, sweetheart. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” Spencer resumed carding gentle fingers through Aaron’s short locks. “She’s not here anymore, remember? She hasn’t been here in a long time. All I see is my amazing, strong, handsome, sexy husband.” A weak wet laugh cut through the quiet sobs. “I’m serious!” Spencer added with a smile in his voice. “Do you know how many men and women I catch eyeing you at the office? Hell, the amount of times I’ve caught Morgan eyeing you out of jealousy in the past two weeks and three days alone should be enough proof. That’s not even mentioning how many whispered conversations I overhear in the bullpen from JJ and Emily on what you look like underneath your suit on a weekly basis. JJ, who is perfectly happy in her marriage to Will, and Emily, who hungrily stares at every woman in a short skirt who walks past her desk. Rossi might seem like a neutral party, but anyone can see the smirk he hides in his morning cup of coffee when you open the door for a poor intern as they practically trip over themselves to follow. Garcia doesn’t even need an explanation. And don’t even get me started on the amount of LEOs I’ve caught eyeing you in your vest. It should be downright sinful to look as rugged as you do with your sleeves rolled up, gun in hand, commanding the scene with only a glare.” Spencer chuckled softly, scratching Aaron’s scalp. “That’s not even touching the amount of glazed over faces I spot when you talk. I’m sure you could get almost an entire room of highly decorated officers to do whatever you wanted with a single command. Any deity knows I would comply to your sultry voice in an instant.”

Laughter had rapidly replaced the sobs shaking Aaron’s body. He hid himself against his husband’s chest, covering his blushing cheeks from Spencer’s generous observations. “Spence,” he whined.

“I swear, Aaron, it’s a good thing you're married. Otherwise, you’d have people throwing themselves left and right at you. You’re the perfect male specimen. Hell, even I’m jealous of you, and I’m the one that married you!”

Aaron couldn’t hold back the eyeroll as he peaked out from his hiding spot. He felt his face split into a wide grin before replaying Spencer’s words in his head, his smile faltering. He glanced away, muttering softly under his breath, feeling himself tense all over again.

“Hey, hey. Don’t do that.” Spencer cupped his face with one hand and forced their eyes to meet. “What’s wrong, love?”

A sigh escaped Aaron’s lips before he whispered, “I’m not the perfect male specimen.”

Spencer’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

Aaron let out a dejected huff. “I’m not the perfect male specimen,” he repeated a little louder. “I can’t even-” His voice cracked. “I don’t have… I couldn’t…” Tears blurred his vision. “Haley had to… Jack isn't even-”

“I’m going to stop you right there, Aaron.” Spencer propped himself up on one elbow, still cradling Aaron’s tear-stricken face with the other. “Whatever you’re thinking about stops right now. You, Aaron Thomas Hotchner-Reid, are that boy’s father. No amount of DNA tests or medical insemination procedures with sperm donors can tell you otherwise. You have raised Jack from the very beginning, and you have done it wonderfully. He is growing into such a bright and confident young man because you are showing him how. You are an amazing father, and I know for a fact that Jack wants to grow up to be just like you.”

Whatever argument Aaron had to counter died on his tongue as Spencer leaned down for a soft kiss. There was no heat or alternative motive behind the gesture. It stayed soft and gentle, soothing Aaron’s inner turmoil. Reaching up, he wrapped Spencer in his arms and pulled the man down to his chest, soaking in the love and care from the contact. They laid together, wrapped in each other’s arms and sharing gentle kisses until the last bit of tension left Aaron’s body. After one more press of their lips, Spencer scooted down his body, snuggling into his chest and resting his ear right over Aaron’s now calm heart.

“Now sleep,” Spencer muttered, already half asleep. “You need your energy to ward off all your admirers at the office and to take your husband on an extra long lunch break tomorrow.”

Aaron frowned. “What are we doing that requires a long lunch break?”

He felt Spencer’s sleepy mischievous smile against his chest “You’re going to prove to me just how manly you are.”

“Oh really?” Aaron couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. “And how am I going to do that?”

“I’m sure you’ll come up with a few ideas.”

As Aaron kissed the top of his husband’s head and settled in for the night, he couldn’t help but think of all the ways he would prove Spencer right.

[stylesluxx]

wildflower – a.hotchner

[warnings: self doubt, relationship doubt, angst]

summary: in which y/n doubts her spot in hotch’s heart – inspired by wildflower by billie eilish

word count: 825

main masterlist

You've always known that Aaron had a love before you. It's impossible not to—Haley was a part of his life through so many milestones for many years. He's never talked about her in-depth, but the memories surround him, a lingering presence that never quite fades. Some days, you catch the look in his eyes, far away, like he's somewhere else entirely. And every time it happens, you can't help but wonder if it's Haley he's thinking of.

It's been a couple of years since her death, and though Aaron has moved forward, there's a part of him that you fear might still be anchored to the past. That maybe, you're not enough to replace what he lost. You've tried to ignore it, tried to convince yourself that your worries are unfounded, but the thought lingers.

Tonight, it's especially strong. You're sitting on the couch with Aaron, his hand resting on your knee as you watch a movie together. But his mind isn't here. You can tell by the way his gaze flickers, unfocused, staring at the screen but not really seeing it. It happens more often than you'd like to admit, and each time it sends a twinge of insecurity through you.

"Where are you?" you ask softly, trying to keep your voice light. He looks at you, startled as if he didn't realize you were speaking.

"I'm here," he says, offering you a small smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

But you're not convinced. You've been holding this in for so long, pretending that everything's fine, but tonight, you can't help yourself. The words spill out before you can stop them.

"Are you, though? Because sometimes it feels like...like you're somewhere else. Like you're still thinking about her."

Aaron's expression shifts, his smile fading as he turns to face you fully. He opens his mouth to speak, but you can't stop now. The floodgates are open.

"I get it, Aaron. I know how much she meant to you, how much you loved her. But sometimes I wonder if you still...if you still love her. And I know that's unfair of me, because how could you not? She was your wife, the mother of your child, and she was taken from you in such a horrible way. But where does that leave me? Am I just here to fill a void?"

He's silent, his brows furrowing as he processes your words. The air between you feels heavy, thick with the weight of what you've just admitted. You hate yourself for saying it, for pushing him when you know how much he's been through, but the fear has been gnawing at you for so long, that you couldn't hold it in anymore.

Finally, Aaron speaks, his voice low but steady. "You're not filling a void."

You look at him, surprised by the conviction in his tone. He leans forward, his hand tightening around yours.

"I'll always care about Haley. She'll always be a part of me because she's part of Jack's life. But I'm not in love with her anymore. I haven't been for a long time, even before she died."

His words make your heart stutter. "You haven't?"

"No," he says softly, his thumb brushing against your hand. "When I met you, I didn't know I was ready to love someone again. But you've given me something I didn't think I'd ever have. You gave me hope, and you've made me feel alive again. I don't look back at what I had with Haley and wish it were still here. I look forward with you."

Tears prick your eyes at his words, the weight of your insecurity beginning to lift. But still, there's a lingering doubt, one you're almost afraid to voice.

"But do you...do you regret it? That you're with me now?"

Aaron shakes his head firmly. "Never. I'm with you because I want to be. After all, I love you. You're my future, not my past."

He cups your cheek, his touch gentle but grounding, and you lean into his palm, the warmth of his hand seeping into your skin. His gaze is soft, and earnest, as he brushes away the tear that slips down your cheek.

"I'm sorry if I've ever made you feel like you're second to Haley," he says, his voice thick with emotion. "That was never my intention. I love you. Only you."

You close your eyes, letting his words wash over you, their truth sinking in. You know he's being honest, that his heart is yours, but a part of you also knows that love doesn't erase the past. And maybe that's okay. Maybe love is about accepting that there will always be echoes of what came before, but choosing to move forward together, despite them.

When you open your eyes, Aaron is still watching you, waiting for you to say something. You reach up, covering his hand with yours as you press a kiss to his palm.

"I love you too," you whisper.

And for the first time in a long while, you believe that it's enough. You're enough.

[AN: I want to start posting multiple times a week but idk how I want to schedule that yet. maybe every 3 days? also I was supposed to post this days ago but forgot to queue it … AND AS YOU GUYS ARE READING THIS IM OMW TO MY SECOND ERAS TOUR SHOW HEHE. anyway, here's my taglist]

[the-guilty-writer]

Not Just A Rossi

Agent Rossi-Reid

Anthology Masterlist

David Rossi x daughter!reader,  Spencer Reid x reader, Criminal minds x BAU!reader

Summary: When Spencer notices RR struggling with her father's return to work, he can't help but intervene... with help of course.

A/N: It's been a while! This isn't exactly the way I want it, but right now I'm just happy to be able to write a little bit again.

CW: RR forgets to eat, is sleep deprived, eating food, details of a case

---

You were doing that thing again - that thing you did whenever you felt threatened or questioned. It was a defense mechanism that Spencer had identified within the first week that you began working at the BAU.

Desperate to prove your worth, you filled out double (sometimes triple) the amount of files you needed to. On cases, you didn’t eat or sleep until they were solved. You worked harder than any agent on the team, Hotch included, in an effort to prove that you belonged there- that you were worthy of your place on the team.

Those first four months had nearly brought you to your knees. Nobody had seen that you were drowning in self-doubt, being hit over and over again, wave after wave of looking for reassurance that you could never get. Nobody noticed.

Except for Spencer.

He was the one who looked at you one day and told you that you were more than just your name - that your brilliance and boldness made you more than worthy of being an agent at the BAU. He’d thrown you the life vest you were so desperately in need of. He’d also convinced you to grab on.

It had taken time for you to find your own identity within the team; for you to recognize that you were so much more than your father’s daughter, and that was why Gideon had hired you in the first place. There was always an underlying insecurity, but for the most part it had gone away. In the moments that the monster rose to the surface and you didn’t notice, your husband did. Spencer would find a quiet moment in the chaos, brushing his hand across yours to catch your attention before leaning in to whisper “Lo credo in te, mio amata.” in your ear- I believe in you, my beloved.

You hadn’t needed reassurance in a long time, but with your dad’s return to the BAU, you were falling into your old patterns and habits. The doubts and fears were seeping through the box that you carefully contained them in, leaking toxins into your mind.

You didn’t even realize it was happening at first - subconsciously wearing your more professional attire and packing your lunch instead of going out with the girls on days where work was a little slower. You ignored the more passive questions about your family-work situation instead of coming back with a snarky remark like everyone expected.

Spencer was the only one who noticed. Your shoulders were more tense than normal when he hugged you, kisses weren’t quite as long, and the underlying anxiety caused you to be a bit more tired than normal, which he had to admit put a damper on your most private relationship activities. All your husband could do was check in with you at work more often, but he didn’t want to say anything about it until it actually became an issue. For all he knew, it was a phase that would pass after a few months.

It didn’t.

Hotch was the second person to suspect anything was wrong. When a local PD questioned the team, you were normally bold in the face of their accusations, but for the past couple cases, you’d been avoidant of the comments - keeping more quiet than normal. It was during a flight home after a case that confirmed his suspicions to be true. Normally you would have been next to Spencer, both of you asleep with your shoulders brushing and pinky fingers overlapping - trying to stay as professional as possible, but unable to deny that you needed to be touching. But despite the grueling 72 hours the team endured, you and Hotch sat at the table awake, getting through paperwork.

“I can do those, you know,” Hotch said quietly.

You shook your head. “For me it’s just another hour of paperwork. For you it’s another hour you can spend with Jack.”

Since Haley had left, you’d been trying your best to help him. Previously, it was with situations outside of work- mitigating the couple’s conversations, or you and Spencer taking Jack for a few hours so the boy didn’t have to listen to his parents arguing - but now you were taking on his consults when you could, writing up parts of reports for him, going over interviews… anything you could. It was as if you were trying to subtly drown yourself in pen and printer ink.

Hotch didn’t respond to your comment. He just kept writing, knowing he’d have to find some time to talk to Reid about it.

---

“Are you and (Y/N) okay at home?” Hotch asked softly. Spencer had come into his office to drop off his finished files. The doctor was entirely unprepared to be ambushed by such a question.

Spencer’s chest felt tight as he looked at you sitting at your desk in the bullpen, and then at the open office door. “We’re fine,” he said, giving himself time to think about what to say next. “Still making sense of Gideon leaving.” It was the truth, just not the whole truth.

Hotch looked down. “She has nothing to prove,” he said. “None of us do.”

Spencer nodded in understanding and left the office. He almost went straight to you to pose an intervention, before realizing that was an intervention too big for himself to handle. Instead, he checked to see that you were still invested in your work before quietly walking to your dad’s office.

“Hi, Agent Rossi,” Spencer said as he entered. “Can- uh- can we talk?”

Your dad made a face that Spencer couldn’t quite read - maybe it was because his father-in-law scared him just a bit, or maybe because David Rossi had a truly strange range of expressions. Still, he was relieved when your dad said “Sure,” and gestured for Spencer to take a seat across from him.

“So, what did you want to talk about?” Rossi asked.

Spencer glanced nervously in your direction. He’d gotten better at hiding his tells over the years, but there was no point in hiding them right now. “(Y/N)’s been struggling with you returning to work,” he said.

Rossi raised an eyebrow at him. “Go on.”

“When Gideon hired her she kind of went through an identity crisis about who she is outside of… well, you.” Rarely did Spencer have a hard time finding words, but he did right then. “It took time for her to feel like she deserved to be on the team because she’s good at her job, and not because she’s your daughter.”

“She never told me that.”

Spencer wasn’t sure if the twinge in your dad’s voice was concern for you, or doubts in him. “I don’t think she ever wanted you to know,” your husband got quiet.

It suddenly felt as though he was spilling a secret he shouldn’t even have access to. You’d never said that you didn’t want your dad to know how hard it had been coming into the most elite unit of the FBI and constantly questioning how and why you were there; always wondering if someone had pulled strings they weren’t supposed to. Yet, it seemed like Rossi had a right to know there was a monster lurking within his relationship with his daughter.

Rossi sighed. “She didn’t even tell me that Gideon hired her until her first day here.”

“You didn’t tell her you were coming back to work until you arrived at the office,” Spencer said, immediately regretting his decision when he heard how accusatory the sentence was. With his foot in his mouth, Spencer found himself scrambling to find words. “I mean- I know it was with good intentions but- not, not but-”

“Spencer.” He turned to see you in the doorway of your father’s office. You looked immediately from your husband to your father. “Papa.” You narrowed your eyes at him. “Cosa diamine stai facendo?”

Rossi rolled his eyes. “Can’t Reid and I just talk? Da uomo a uomo?”

Spencer knew enough Italian to know the words the two of you were saying, but he quickly realized that he did not speak enough father-daughter to understand the conversation.

You sighed, annoyed, and ignored Rossi, turning to your husband instead. “I’m going to work late again tonight. I’m helping counter terrorism get through some extra cases and it’s taking longer than expected.”

Spencer stood up from the chair. “I can help you. We’ll get through them faster tog-”

You shook your head to cut him off. “We’ve already worked late every day this week and there’s leftover eggplant parmesan at home that isn’t going to eat itself.”

All Spencer could do was put an awkward grin on his face. He almost leaned in for a kiss before realizing that the two of you were still in the presence of your dad. Instead, he gave you a gentle kiss on your temple. “Come home tonight, please?”

It hadn’t happened before - you staying the night at the office and Spencer waking up to an empty bed - but he was worried it might. The bags under your eyes and hollow look to your face spoke of desperate need for sleep.

“I will,” you whispered to him. 

He left your dad’s office and made his way down to the bullpen. Your desk was stacked with extra files, loose papers with hastily scribbled notes were all over, and your lunchbox sat untouched. Spencer sighed and threw his satchel over his shoulder. Before he left for the night, he put a note on your chair, where you were sure to notice it:

Your lunch isn’t going to eat itself - S.R.

---

You weren’t sure what time it was, just that the bullpen was empty, the janitor had left hours ago, even Hotch’s office was dark, and your lunchbox was still untouched. The stack on your desk had gotten significantly smaller, but at the rate you were going, you hoped you could keep your promise to Spencer that you’d make it home tonight. Your stomach growled as you eyed your lunchbox, but you had to weigh your options: get through another file and make it home, or eat.

You had to make it home tonight. You would never hear the end of it if you didn’t.

With a sigh, you reached to grab another file. this time it would be the last- 

“Mio passerotta.”

“Cazzo!” Your exhausted body was brought to alert by the voice of your dad coming from behind you. You sighed and regained your composure. “Papa, what are you doing here? It’s late.”

“I don’t remember raising my daughter to use words like that,” Rossi said as he walked towards you, ignoring your question.

You rolled your eyes. “Please, Papa. I don’t have time for this.”

“You know you’re lucky that you and Spencer both work for the BAU,” your father continued to go on, finally perching on the side of your desk, uninvited. “You’ve been working overtime. Last week you didn’t even make the poor guy a homemade meal-”

“Now that’s just sexist-”

“And you have to be back here in,” Rossi looked down at his watch, “five hours. You told him you would make it home tonight.”

“And I will,” you snapped. “After I finish this file.” You picked up your pen and opened the manila folder. You might have been able to concentrate on your work if your dad didn’t keep talking.

“After I finish this file…” he said with annoyingly negative nostalgia. “Do you know how many times I said that back when I was your age? It ended two of my marriages.”

“Why do you keep bringing up my husband and my marriage?” The exhaustion and the hunger made you far more irritated than normal.

“Because, mio passerotta, you have a good one. A great one. So great that your husband took it upon himself to tell me that you’ve been struggling with my return to work.”

You froze. The wall you had built up of overworking and papers and file folders and crime scene photos came tumbling down in an ocean around you. You were drowning, just like you had been years ago; and once again, Spencer had been the one to notice. But he sent your father to save you this time around.

Your dad grabbed your lunchbox from the desk with one hand and offered you the other. “Come on,” he said gently.

You took his hand and let him pull you to your feet, leading you towards the glass doors of the bullpen and towards the elevator. Suddenly, you felt like a little girl again; though you were older now, and much taller, your mind was ravished with memories of when you came to the BAU when you were little - your dad holding your lunchbox in one hand and gently gripping your small fist in the other.

The memories became even more vivid when you stepped off the elevator and onto the basement floor.

Your dad let go of your hand and walked to a small clearing in the space, which was now exclusively used for storage. Old desks stacked on top of one another, broken printers in the corner, and long folding tables pushed against the wall still gave it the overly-crowded feel of the old BAU headquarters.

“What are we doing here?” you sighed, following him.

Rossi sat down and opened up your lunchbox, beginning to pick through what was essentially granola bars, bags of chips, and sleeves of crackers. You barely had time to go grocery shopping recently, much less cook for yourself. Your dad pulled out a bag of Spicy Italian flavored snack mix - the same snack mix he used to get you as an after school snack - and opened it before taking a bite. He finished munching the handful of mix in his mouth and held the bag out to you. “Trying to remember who I was.”

You sighed, took a handful from the bag, and sat down across from him.

“You were, what, twelve years old when they finally moved us to this office?” Rossi reminisced.

“Thirteen,” you corrected. “And I’d hardly call this an office.”

“It was better than the glorified storage closet we were in before.”

“This is a glorified storage closet now.” But when you looked around you could still picture the space in its hay-day; where the white boards hung on the walls, the circles of desks, the floor to ceiling shelves that held boxes and boxes of files, even the place that had been blocked off to act as a small conference room. You could have mapped it out better than your childhood bedroom.

“True,” Rossi started. “But I’d like to think some rather important things happened here.”

“Your retirement party happened here,” you pointed out.

“It did.” Finished with the snack mix, your dad got to his feet. You followed his lead as he moseyed around a bit. “But right there,” he gestured to a space on the back wall where a board once hung. “That’s where we hung your high school graduation sign.”

“Yeah…”

“And over there.” He nodded towards the middle of the room where a circle of desks used to be. “That’s where you met Aaron for the first time.”

“What does-”

Your dad brushed right past you and stood in a space that you couldn’t remember if it had any meaning to it at all. “And this is where you helped on your first ever profile, at the age of thirteen years old.”

You paused and stared at him for a minute. Sure, you’d stolen files from old cases without permission, but you couldn’t ever remember putting a profile together. There were a few times you used solved cases as parts of school projects, or sorted through old file boxes for community service hours. You had thought any thievery of paperwork was done well for you being a teenager surrounded by profilers.

“I wasn’t allowed to help with profiles,” you stated blankly. “And I never sto- borrowed files from unsolved cases. Just the solved ones so I could learn. If you spend enough time around here you get curious about what everyone is talking about.”

“You may have not been allowed to help with profiles,” Rossi said. “But you had no problem pointing out when a young trainee was wrong.”

You couldn’t argue with that. As a teenager, you’d gotten a kick out of questioning the younger agents' skills; it was amusing to watch their faces falter into frowns over profiles they had been so proud of just moments before you tipped over their house of cards.

“I was standing over there,” Rossi pointed to a corner, “with Jason, while Agent Chambers presented his preliminary profile on two bodies found in Seattle. Both young women were stabbed in the lower abdomen. The trail went cold quickly.”

“I remember now,” you said. “That case showed up again years later, and then went cold again. It’s still unsolved.”

“That’s the one. Chambers said that because the two victims were young, and their reproductive organs were targeted, the unsub must have been older - in his mid thirties at least. More likely in his forties or fifties.”

You smirked just a bit. “I said there was no way the unsub could be older. There was overkill on the first victim and the second was more controlled. It shows evolving, which pointed to the unsub being younger: twenty five to thirty five.”

“And you were right,” Rossi said, walking towards you. “It opened up the entire profile, so when two more bodies showed up years later, we didn’t ignore it. At thirteen years old you understood more about profiling than an agent with proper training.”

You shrugged. “Because you’re my dad.”

He shook his head. “Mio passerotta, the reason you’re good at your job has very little to do with me. Being a Rossi might have helped you get a jump-start in your profiling education, but it didn’t make you a profiler. It didn’t earn you your academy scores, or get you placed with the BAU. You did that, all on your own."

A rather sheepish grin crossed your face and your eyes began to water. Sure, your dad had told you he was proud of you countless times - so had Gideon - but it was rare that he told you that you were good. The weight lifted off your shoulders; the bouldering burden of your name dissolved into thin air. A tear of relief rolled down your cheek as you stood up just a bit taller than you had in months as that little bit of confidence, the little bit of fire you had lost, began to shine through once again.

Rossi wrapped you in a hug, holding you close like he always did, and you hugged him back. “Grazie, Papa,” you whispered.

Rossi smiled. “Always, mio passerotta.” He gently let you go and planted a kiss on your forehead. “But I think you have someone else you need to thank.”

You smiled and nodded before rushing towards the elevator to get on your way home.

---

It was nearly 4 AM when you walked into your and Spencer’s apartment. You had expected Spencer might wait for you for a few hours before going to bed, but it was clear to you, seeing him asleep on the couch with a book open on his chest, that he had waited as long as he could. You put down your bag and slipped your shoes off before padding over to the couch.

Gently, you took the book off Spencer’s chest and placed it on the coffee table before laying beside him on the couch and replacing the weight of the novel with the presence of your hand. Without opening his eyes, Spencer adjusted so you could snuggle in.

“You’re home,” he said groggily, still half asleep.

“I’m home,” you replied.

You could have contributed how fast you fell drowsy with how long you had been awake, the lack of nutrition in your system, or emotional exhaustion, but it was more than that. It was the warmth of Spencer’s embrace, the gentle feeling of his breath on your skin, the steady beating of his heart under your hand, and the comfort of being with someone who knew you better than yourself.

“Thank you,” you whispered to him, but Spencer had already fallen asleep.

---

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[hotchnerobsessed]

Go It Alone - Part 1

Virgin!Fem!Reader x Hotch | When you realize you’ll be going to another wedding alone, Hotch offers to be your plus one.

Warnings: 🤭+😰 Description of insecurities, and MAJOR FLUFF (You didn’t realize just how much of a softie your perpetually serious boss really was. Hotch already has feelings for you, but it’s the start of feelings for someone you’d never truly considered before.)

Word Count: 10,496

NEXT

Series Masterlist / Main Masterlist

This is the longest fic I’ve written, but it’s probably my favourite. I just want this sweet man to hold me and tell me everything will be alright.

**********

Weddings were happy events.

Right?

You’re surrounded by people who are all there to celebrate two people coming together; to celebrate love.

The only thing was, during quiet moments in the midst of the bustling people around you, your mind always wandered. The invitation for a “plus one” was always there, but you’d never had that person by your side who made your heart flutter. You always felt guilty for allowing these thoughts to seep in at the worst possible times, but you couldn’t help it. You knew you should be joyful. You should be focusing on the happy couple, and the love they have for each other. Instead, you always found your chest heavy with feelings of longing and inadequacy, wondering when it might be your turn.

When the invite arrived in the mail, you had to read it a couple times before realization finally settled in. It was from an old classmate you’d hardly talked to in years, though in this day and age of social media you’d somewhat “kept in touch” with the odd like or comment on each other’s posts. As much as you were surprised to get the invite, you couldn’t deny that you two had been together through every major milestone in your lives so far, and knowing she wanted you to be there to share in her special day warmed your heart.

But it didn’t take long before a pit in your stomach began to grow at the thought of having to attend the wedding alone. The thought of facing your old classmates, still single, was almost too much to bear. You decided you would give yourself a few days to think it through before responding.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Sitting in your usual spot, the rest of the team dispersed throughout the plane and chatting amongst themselves, you stared out the window at the dark night that encompassed the aircraft. Your mind was focused on the wedding once again. You hadn’t responded within the few days like you’d planned to; it was now over a month later and the deadline for your RSVP was less than a week away. The collage of happy images that scattered the front of the invite flashed through your mind; you couldn’t help but imagine who’s face you might see next to yours on your own save-the-date one day.

“Everything okay?” A soft voice pulled you from the depths of your mind. As you looked up, you saw that JJ had sat down across from you, sliding a steaming mug of coffee your way.

Smiling at her in thanks, you wrapped your hands around the warm mug and lifted it to your lips. “Yeah.. yeah. I’m good. Just a little tired. So this coffee is exactly what I needed. Thank you.”

Your attempt at pretending nothing was wrong didn't go well, and she saw right through you. "What's on your mind?" she asked through a warm smile.

Looking down at the drink in your hands, unable to maintain eye contact, you fidgeted with the handle of the mug. Opening your mouth to speak, you hesitated before finally admitting, "It's stupid, really." You paused for a moment, and she was silent, allowing you time to gather your thoughts. "I got a wedding invitation in the mail a few weeks ago. Someone I used to go to school with. I just.. I guess I'm just tired of going to these things alone." An understanding smile graced her lips as she nodded her head gently. When she didn't respond right away, you shook your head and laughed quietly, turning to look out the window again, "it's nothing JJ, really. I'm sure I'm just overthinking it."

A second later, you felt a comforting hand on yours, pulling your attention back to her. "If you're feeling this anxious about it, it's clearly not nothing.." She trailed off, and you smiled weakly at her. Gently nudging you once more, she asked, "I’ve been told I’m a good listener.”

Laughing softly, you breathed in deep and closed your eyes, slowly released the air from your lungs. You were thankful she was approaching the situation gently, because you were currently fighting to keep your emotions at bay. Your mind was attempting to rationalize the overwhelming feeling as simply being overtired, but you knew there was a lot more to it. The question now was just how much you were willing to share, at the risk of someone else overhearing you. "Most of the time it doesn’t bother me.. the fact that I’ve never been in a relationship.. but then stuff like this comes up, events where bringing your significant other is a special thing, and I don’t have anyone..” Finally looking up at her once more, you ended honestly, ”I know it’s stupid, but it makes me feel lonely.”

Giving your hand a loving squeeze, your eyes met once more, and as she spoke you felt the start of tears threatening to escape. “It’s not stupid. Your feelings are valid. I can only imagine that’s not an easy feeling to process, but just know that you are loved.” The smile in her eyes warmed your heart. “And if this person wants you at their wedding, they clearly care about you. Try to focus on that.”

Smiling weakly at her, you nodded your head; you knew she was right. You weren’t new to this feeling, and you knew you could push through like you always did, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Just as you were about to look out the window once more, you heard a voice from behind you, “did someone say wedding? I love weddings! Who’s getting married?!”

Laughing softly, one single tear finally rolling down your cheek, you looked up at JJ who was glancing over your shoulder, “of course you do Morgan. Why does that not surprise me?”

As JJ looked back at you, she caught the tail end of you wiping the stray tear away, before you turned sideways in your seat to look at Morgan. He was leaning his arms on the back of the seat beside you, that huge grin of his spread across his face. “It’s an old friend of mine. The wedding is next month, and I was just telling JJ about how I was thinking of asking you to be my date,” you teased.

His smile grew even wider as he laughed and dropped his head, shaking it slightly before joking right back, “you know I would be honoured, but I think my Baby Girl might have something to say about me stepping out on her and being someone else’s pretend wedding boyfriend.”

Laughing right along with him, JJ also cracking a smile at your exchange, you admitted, “I wouldn’t want to get in the way of Baby Girl and her Chocolate Thunder now would I?” Both of you knew Penelope wouldn’t actually have a problem with it, but both of you also knew that the prospect of going together wasn’t substantial.

Reaching over the seat to give your shoulder a gentle squeeze, he spoke in a caring voice, one that Morgan didn’t use often, but when he did you knew he meant it. “You’re an amazing girl, and any guy would be lucky to be by your side.” Placing your hand overtop of his, you patted his warm knuckles a few times in thanks.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Before you knew it, you were back on the ground and making your way to the office to file your paperwork. You’d only been sitting down at your desk for a few short minutes, flipping through the mountain of papers when you heard the familiar commanding voice of your unit chief calling for your attention, “Y/N, could you join me in my office when you have a minute?”

Looking up from behind your computer screen, you answered his question with a swift, “not a problem, Sir,” and he nodded in response. You were the only two in the bullpen; most everyone else had either gone home, or out for drinks, but neither of you had felt up for that.

Glancing at your watch you noted the time; it was 1:17AM. Somehow it felt like it was much later, as the exhaustion from the case, and the conversation on the flight home, finally began to take affect on your body.

Filing the last of the paperwork, you stood from your desk and made your way across the carpeted floor and up the stairs. His door was open slightly, and you could hear the sound of shuffling papers. Knocking, you waited for his quiet, “come in,” before stepping through the doorway.

Closing the door behind you, you turned around and glanced across the room to where he sat behind his desk. Without looking up from his papers, he spoke once more, “have a seat.”

Responding silently, you simply took the few steps across the open space and sat down in the chair across from him. Smoothing out the material of your skirt, you couldn’t help the slight anxiousness that built in your chest. You’d been called into his office before, and never for anything bad, but taking into account the fact that everyone else had left, you rationalized that if bad news needed to be delivered, now would be the time to do it.

“Sir..” you began to speak, but your train of thought was abruptly cut off as he looked up at you. There was something different in his eyes, something kind, and gentle, that you’d only seen a handful of times before.

The ghost of a smile flashed across his lips, the corner of his eyes crinkling as he spoke, “please, call me Aaron.”

Nodding, you repeated, “Aaron, right. Is there something I can help you with?”

Shaking his head, he looked back down at his paperwork and paused, almost as if weighing his words before speaking. As he set his pen down, he looked back up at you and eased into it, “will you be needing any time off for this wedding you’re attending?”

Blinking a couple times, you took a few seconds as your mind switched gears. You weren’t sure exactly what his motivation was behind asking, but you knew there was more to it than anything work related. “Oh! Umm.. honestly I haven’t even decided if I’m going or not. But no,” you answered finally, “no I shouldn’t need any time off. It’s here in the city.”

Nodding, quiet as he processed your answer, you could feel your heart beating in your chest. You wished you hadn’t admitted your hesitance about accepting the invite, knowing well that he would more than likely ask why you were unsure.

“Okay. Well if you ever need extra time off, you just let me know. I’ll do what I can to make it work for you.”

Smiling softly at him, he returned the smile as you thanked him, “thank you Sir.. Aaron.. I appreciate it.”

Nodding once more, he added, “you said you haven’t decided yet if you’re going? May I ask what has you feeling hesitant?”

Making eye contact with him, you couldn’t help the tightness that gripped your chest. There it was. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust him, but this was one of your deepest insecurities and you’d already discussed it once tonight; the prospect of rehashing it all again, with your boss, didn’t thrill you.

But the longer you looked at him, the more the softness in his eyes became apparent. He wasn’t always that stern, intimidating man he was in the field. You knew there was more to him, but you didn’t see the gentle side of him often. Truth be told, you were intrigued by the enigma he seemed to be; you wanted to know more about him.

Looking down at your lap, your fingers fidgeting nervously with one of the buttons that trailed down the front of your skirt, you decided being honest was your best option. “Oh, it’s really not a big deal, I just.. don’t have anyone to go with.” Finally looking up at him once more, gauging his reaction, you were greeted with a look of comfort and understanding. You confessed, “I guess I’m just tired of going to these things alone.”

You simply gazed at each other as he weighed your words with care. He fought with what to say next, and you could see the gears turning in his head, see the contemplation on his face.

The feelings he had for you had crept in slowly. It wasn’t long after you’d started at the BAU when he’d noticed it the first time; the way your nose crinkled when you laughed. It took him a few seconds to recover and fake a laugh of his own at whatever joke he’d missed because he was too lost in thought as he glanced at you.

Over the months, he did everything he could to fight the scenarios that played out in his head of you and him together. He was your superior, and he never wanted to put you in the position of feeling like you had to say yes to dinner with him simply for that reason. He’d decided that even though it wasn’t going to be easy, he was going to carry on as if nothing was wrong.

And that would stay true, until he overheard the last bit of your conversation with Derek about the wedding. He couldn’t ignore the opportunity to spend more time with you, to be close to you, if it was what you wanted. Knowing you were looking for someone to go with, he wanted to offer to simply accompany you as a friend; someone to share those memories with. But he couldn’t deny there was a tiny “what if” making itself known in the depths of his mind. He wondered if after spending time together, away from work, just two people getting to know each other, maybe, just maybe, you would see him the way he saw you.

After what felt like an eternity, he finally spoke, “I don’t mean to overstep, so please know that you can be honest with me..” He hesitated before continuing, and all you could do was stare, anticipating what he was going to say next. “I quite enjoy weddings. I would be more than happy to accompany you. If you’d have me.”

His offer might have come as a surprise to you, but to him, it was a long time coming.

A subtle smile flashed across your face as you took the time to process his words. Glancing down at your lap once more, your fingers still fidgeting with that same gold button, you let out an airy laugh. It wasn’t a teasing laugh, but more a laugh of disbelief. No one had ever voluntarily stood by your side before, never mind a man as put together as Aaron Hotchner.

Your mind began running through any possible explanation as to why he might be offering. Was it pity? Probably not. Was he looking for an excuse to dress up? Maybe, but you doubted it; he wore better suits every day than you’d seen most of the men in your life wear before. Was he trying to get closer to you? Nope, definitely not that. Though you’d acknowledged very early on that he was handsome, you knew he was so far out of your league that fantasies of you and him never stood a chance. Not to mention the fact that he was your boss. The potential mess of an office relationship was enough to make you distance yourself from possibilities with just about anyone at the bureau.

It had been a few seconds and you still hadn’t responded, so he added faintly, “I promise you it’s perfectly fine if you don’t want me to join. I just wanted to extend the offer in case..”

You cut him off mid-sentence, “no, no, it’s not that.. it’s just.. are you sure?” You were still having a hard time believing what he was offering. As you looked him in the eyes once more, you saw the realization on his face; you weren’t struggling with whether you wanted him to join you, you were struggling with wondering if you were worthy of the company.

Nodding softly, he spoke through a smile, “I’m sure. The day you started I could already tell you were going to be an irreplaceable member of this team, and you’ve only proved me right.” You couldn’t help the faint blush that spread across your face. “But I also like to know my team outside of working hours. I believe it helps to build trust, and form stronger bonds between us all. We don’t know a lot about each other yet, and I would like to change that.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, you accepted his explanation at face value, not currently having the mental capacity to read into it further. Smiling, your first genuine smile while thinking about the wedding since you’d received the invite, you maintained eye contact as you responded somewhat timidly, “okay. Thank you, Aaron. This means a lot to me.”

As you both smiled at each other, he answered honestly, “don’t mention it. The pleasure is all mine.”

Neither of you had told the rest of the team what you’d discussed, having agreed that it might give the wrong impression.

The next month passed rather quickly, as your excitement for the day grew more and more. Much to your surprise, work wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable at all. If anything, it had pulled you even further out of your shell. Knowing your boss had confidence in you, not only as a colleague, but also as an individual, brought so much more of your true self out. Parts of you that you hadn’t even realized you’d been hiding started to shine through.

You’d noticed a change in Hotch as well. He seemed.. happier. He smiled more, involved himself in team banter more, and spoke to you using your first name now rather than your last. It was a small change, but one that made you feel warm inside.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

When the day finally arrived, you couldn’t help the giddy feeling that washed over you. You knew this would be a night to remember, and you were so thankful to Aaron for making it possible that the memorable parts of the night were going to be happy ones.

You had just finished slipping into your dress when you heard a knock on the door. Running your palms along the material, smoothing it out, you smiled as you took in your appearance. Your hair was curled slightly, and pulled off to one side. The dress you were wearing was a deep emerald green, and the cut hugged your curves just right.

As you opened the front door, you motioned for him to join you inside. Stepping though the door and closing it behind himself, it took everything in him not to completely melt into a puddle at your feet. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen anyone so beautiful in his life. You were stunning and he could feel his heart beating faster in his chest.

He still hadn’t said anything aside from your initial greeting, almost unable to speak for fear of saying too much, so he was thankful that you spoke first. “Would you mind helping me with this? I don’t usually struggle this much with my jewelry, but I just can’t seem to get my necklace done up.”

Taking the dainty gold necklace from your grasp, he tried his best to steady his hands as you turned your back to him and lifted your hair out of the way. With the soft skin of your neck exposed, he couldn’t help it as his eyes trailed from your hair, down your neck, and across your back. Slipping the necklace around you, he fastened it in place. The slight graze of your skin against his knuckles had his mind reeling, and anticipating the evening, wondering if he might be so lucky as to share a dance with you.

Dropping your hair against your back, you turned to face him once more as you tugged gently at the necklace so it would settle in place. He responded to your thanks for the assistance, and he couldn’t hold back the praise that fell off his lips, “you look beautiful. Green is a good colour on you.”

Smiling up at him, you brushed your hand across his shoulder playfully, “you don’t look so bad yourself.” He was wearing a simple black suit, something you’d seen him wear a million times before, but he switched things up from his day-to-day wear and swapped out his regular tie for a bow tie. Tugging gently at the fabric around his neck, you noted, “The bow tie is a nice touch. I like it.”

He couldn’t help the smile that flashed across his face. He wasn’t going to let his feelings get in the way of simply enjoying the evening, but he couldn’t ignore how it felt to hear you compliment him the way you had. If there was ever any doubt in his mind about the way he felt for you, the tightness the gripped his chest as he reached out his arm to you cemented it; he wanted to spend the rest of his life helping you put necklaces on and accompanying you to all kinds of events neither of you really wanted to be at.

Looping your arm under his, you rested your hand on his forearm as you spoke, “shall we?” Nodding, he smiled at you once more before opening the front door and leading you down the walkway to his vehicle.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The drive to the church went by too fast; conversation flowed so naturally, and you both wished you could have more time just the two of you to talk. When you arrived, he got out first and made his way around the vehicle to open the door for you. Acknowledging his kindness, you spoke as you placed your hand in his and stepped out, “and they say chivalry is dead.” He laughed lightly, that beautiful smile of his flashing across his face. “Thank you, Aaron.”

Responding once again with a simple nod and a quiet, “you’re welcome,” he motioned with his hand for you to lead the way.

Making your way up the front steps of the church, you stood behind the line of people filtering in. Once you were through the doors, you made your way up the aisle, Aaron following close behind. Finding a spot about halfway back, you sat down and smoothed out your dress as he lowered himself into the pew. As he did, his arm brushed yours gently, and he was quick to apologize, but you responded just as swift, "oh, no problem! Thank you again, for coming with me today." As you exchanged smiles, you added, "I feel a lot better being here with someone I can talk to.. someone I'm comfortable with."

He could tell your words were sincere, and it warmed his heart. He felt like he should be thanking you, for the simple fact that you had accepted his offer to join you today. Allowing him to spend more time with you, knowing you trusted him and felt comfortable with him, seemingly made every worry of his fade into the background. He felt like the luckiest man alive just to be by your side.

As more people arrived and filled in the empty seats around you, a few familiar faces caught your attention, but only for a short enough period of time for you to throw them a quick wave, before you were back in deep conversation with Aaron. At one point he'd said something that made you laugh, and he was mesmerized, staring at that same crinkle in your nose that had first caught his attention those many months ago. You reached over, innocently placing your hand on his knee, and the warmth of your hand sent shockwaves through his system; like a jolt of electricity had entered his body at the point of contact and nearly stopped his heart from beating.

It wasn't long before the music began playing, and the wedding party was making their way in one by one. As the bride began walking down the aisle, you caught a glimpse of her, and she was absolutely stunning as you'd expected; she was one of those girls that was effortlessly beautiful. But your eyes quickly found their way to the front of the church. Your favourite thing at any wedding was watching the groom's reaction to seeing his soon-to-be wife making her way towards him.

Aaron noticed the slight turn to your head, and followed your line of sight. Once he noticed who you were looking at, a whole new understanding hit him; you might not have realized it, but your body language was clear as day. He immediately picked up on how intently you were watching the groom, paying the closest of attention to how in love he was. It was hard to fake that kind of a genuine reaction, and it was one that, typically, only the bride got to see.

Once more, as he glanced back at you, he felt the whole world disappear around him. He imagined himself up there, you walking towards him, as he tried his best to contain the tears that would evidently be threatening to escape. You nearly caught him staring at you, but thankfully the music fading and the voice of the officiant speaking snapped him back to reality as you turned to face him. Smiling at him, he returned a smile as you both seated yourselves once more.

The ceremony was over before you knew it, with the couple sharing their first kiss as husband and wife, before making their way back down the aisle.

Once outside, you shook the hands of a few old classmates, and congratulated the happy couple, giving your long-time friend a warm hug. And as much as you'd tried to fight it, you could feel yourself pulling away from the phony greetings with people who had hardly said a word to you in school, never mind in the years since you'd graduated. You were thankful that the line was moving rather quickly, because you didn't want to stick around and mingle much longer; there would be more than enough time to do that at the reception later, and you already weren't looking forward to it.

Aaron knew something was up, with how fast you had made your way out of the crowd of people and towards the parking lot, as he took long strides to keep up with you. "Hey, hey, is everything okay?" he spoke through a light laugh, but the genuine concern in his voice was apparent.

Once you reached the vehicle, you turned to face him and decided it was best to be honest, "I just want to get out of here.." Your voice cracked slightly as you spoke.

All he could do was nod, as he opened the door for you, allowing you to get settled before closing it once again. Your eyes followed him as he made his way around the vehicle and climbed into the drivers seat. "Where to?" It was a simple question, and you were thankful he hadn't questioned your urgency to get out of there; he knew you would tell him what was going on when you were ready.

Looking over at him, you admitted, "You know, it might sound kind of stupid, but I've always wanted to get all dressed up and go out for some cheap pizza."

Smiling at your honesty, he responded immediately, "consider it done. I know just the place."

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

The sound of singing played faintly over the radio as you drove, both of you silent, because he didn't want to pry, and you weren't ready to talk quite yet. But the stillness between you wasn't awkward. You both felt comfortable simply being in each other's company. Whether that was because you'd spent countless flights sitting near him without uttering a word, or because you truly trusted him and were thankful to be escaping the hell in your mind with him, you weren't sure, but you took note of the ease you felt around him. He felt it too, and couldn't help but smile to himself as he listened to the faint inhale and exhale of your lungs.

A few short minutes later, you arrived at a small hole-in-the-wall pizzeria, one you'd never heard of before. As he put the vehicle in park, he finally broke the silence, "this is one of my favourite places. It's cheap, not usually busy, and the pizza is surprisingly good."

Looking over at him, you smiled and nodded your head, "sounds good to me."

Once you were both out of the vehicle, he held the door to the restaurant open for you and you thanked him as you walked in. Glancing around, you saw that it was dimly lit, only 6 tables sat along the walls of the tight area, and in the back corner you saw an elderly man tossing crust by hand. As soon as he looked up from his work he smiled wide, "Oh hello Mr. FBI man! How is my favourite customer today?"

As your eyes trailed from him to Aaron, your chest swelled as you took in the bashful grin that crossed his face. "I'm doing well Marco, how are you?"

The man behind the counter smiled wide as he spoke, "oh you know me. Another day above ground is a good day." As Aaron laughed at the playful comment, Marco added, "and who is the beautiful lady you've brought with you today?" You felt your face flush, flattered by his kind words.

As Aaron glanced down at you, you swore you saw something in his eyes, something that told you he wanted to say more than he did, but he didn't give you time to read into it. "This is my friend, Y/N."

Aaron looked back over at Marco as he spoke, and your eyes followed his line of sight back to the cheerful man. "Well any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Where are you two off to dressed so fancy?"

You filled him in on your plans for the day, as you both ordered what you wanted. When you reached into your purse to pull out your wallet, Aaron stopped you, sliding his card into the machine before you could. "You didn't have to do that! This was my idea.”

Gazing down at you, he admitted, "I know. Consider it my thank you for letting me join you today. I'm having a great time."

You couldn't help the smile that tugged at the corner of your mouth, soon spreading like wildfire across your face. "I am too. Thank you again for keeping me company."

He nodded in response before leading you to what you could only assume was his favourite table. In no time at all, the fresh slices of pizza were being brought out to you, and did it ever smell delicious. Diving right in, you hummed in delight, "you were right, this is some good pizza."

You talked about the restaurant, how he'd found it, how he takes Jack here all the time. The joy this place brought him warmed your heart. As he sat across from you, beaming as he spoke, you were quickly beginning to realize that at his core he was truly just a gentle man who enjoyed the little things. The stern, intimidating exterior you saw so often at work was simply that, a face he put on when dealing with the awful things humanity was capable of.

When the natural lull in the conversation settled between you two, you sighed quietly. Looking up at him, you spoke slowly, "I'm sorry for rushing out of there earlier." You couldn't hold eye contact for longer than a few seconds, as embarrassment over the way you'd acted prodded the back of your mind.

You caught the slight movement of his hand out of the corner of your eye, almost as if he was reaching out to grasp your hand in his, before deciding against it. "It's alright. Just as long as you're okay."

His genuine concern for you tugged at your heart, and you looked back up at him. "Yeah, I'm alright." You added with a laugh, "I think."

Giving you a gentle smile, he offered, "do you want to talk about it?"

That was all it took, and everything came pouring out. You explained it all, from the smaller things like never quite feeling like you belonged in your group of friends, never mind fitting in with majority of the people who were there today, right down to the lasting loneliness you'd felt for as long as you could remember.

As you spoke, Aaron sat and listened. He never once interjected or told you that you were crazy for feeling the way you did. He could only imagine what it must feel like to think that no one wanted you. He'd met Hailey when they were both so young, and as difficult as it was, he had to admit that some times he took that for granted. Reality was, not everyone had that.

It broke his heart to hear you talk about yourself the way you did. Knowing how he felt for you, and knowing you didn't feel like you were worthy of those feelings tore him apart. He wanted to say something. He wanted to confess everything. He wanted to wrap you in his arms and never let go.

But he didn't.

Bombarding you with all that when you were vulnerable could do damage, to both of you, and he didn't want that. He was going to be patient. He was going to show you that he was there for you. He was going to continue loving you from a comfortable distance, until the time was right.

"Gosh, listen to me. I'm so sorry." You shook your head and looked down at your hands, "welcome to the Y/N pity party."

"Hey, no, you have nothing to apologize for. I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing that with me." Finally looking back up at him, he continued, "those people, the ones you're so worried about impressing? I'm willing to bet they peaked in high school. I'm sure they see you now, successful, independent, and wish they had your work ethic. They're clinging onto the past, and them talking to you like you've been friends all this time is their way of trying to keep that connection alive, no matter how fabricated." You knew he was right. He was a profiler after all, and a damn good one at that. If you'd stopped to think about it, you might have drawn a similar conclusion, but hearing him say it out loud helped you to feel a little less crazy. "As for everything else, I can see why you feel that way, and I'm very sorry you do. No one should ever have to feel like that. But if I may, you are a remarkable woman. Anyone who can't see that, anyone who doesn't know how lucky they would be to call you theirs, isn't worth your time. Being patient and waiting for the right person will be worth it in the end, I can promise you that."

As you took in everything he had to say, you didn't realize just how much he meant every single syllable. He was hoping, with every fiber of his being, that you might some day realize that he could be that person for you.

It was all you could do to thank him, "you are very kind, Aaron. Thank you for saying that. You have no idea how much it means to me."

Giving you a warm smile, he nodded his head once more. He could feel the wall between you slowly coming down, brick by brick.

In no time at all, the ease of conversation had shifted back to where it was on the drive to the church. You found that you could talk to each other about everything. As you sat there in the dim light of the pizzeria, time raced by, and before you knew it, the reception was set to start in less than half an hour. You thanked Marco once again for the delicious food and the hospitality, before making your way out the door.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Arriving at the venue for the reception, he held the door open once again as you stepped into the foyer of the hotel. Making your way through the maze of hallways, you found yourself at the back of the line of people waiting to sign the guest book and find their seats. The seating chart displayed your name and Aaron's side by side at table 17, along with a bunch of names you didn't recognize. You weren't sure which one you would have preferred, small talk with people you'd never met, or small talk with people you had left in the past for a reason.

Finding your way through the crowd of people, you were thankful that table 17 was at the back of the room. You had a clear view of the head table, but you were also far enough away that you could sink into the background of the sea of faces.

The reception went as well as expected. Supper was served directly to your table, and you received the meal you'd pre-selected when you sent in your RSVP. The food was delicious, and you and Aaron both made a mental note to ask who had catered it. The MC was hilarious, and the parent’s speeches were warm and heartfelt. The cake cutting followed shortly after, and the classic smashing of the cake in each other’s faces made everyone laugh.

"Now if everyone could direct their attention to the dance floor," the DJ's commanding voice caught everyone's attention, "the bride and groom will share their first dance!"

You watched intently as they made their way across the room to the area that was lit by the glittering lights of a stunning backdrop. As she draped her arms over his shoulders, the music faded in and they began to sway. Every once in a while, one of them would pull back from the embrace to simply look into each other’s eyes, or to sing along to a favourite line in the song.

As you gazed across the crowded room, unable to take your eyes off them, your mind began racing once again. You so desperately wanted what they had. Your conversation with Aaron earlier had helped, and you knew that being patient was best, but you couldn't help but wonder when enough was enough. You'd waited your entire life, not even to find your ‘soulmate’, but simply to find someone who would hold you the way he was holding her. Even if it was temporary, and the relationship didn't have the legs to go the distance, you craved the feeling of being wanted, needed.

You felt tears welling behind your eyes, one tiny moment away from the dam breaking.

And that moment would come whether you liked it or not. One particular blink-and-you'll-miss-it glance between them sealed the deal. He looked into her eyes, brushed her hair out of her face, and though it was whispered, you could see it clear as day, the "I love you" that fell off his lips.

As the first tear escaped, you closed your eyes, squeezing them shut in an attempt to keep any more from making themselves known. But your efforts were in vain, as silent tears began rolling down your face, one after the other. Turning your face to the side, thankful that everyone in the room was focused on the happy couple and not you, you breathed in deep through your nose, and exhaled slowly through parted lips. A couple more deep breaths like that helped to slow your racing heart, and halted the tears where they stood, as the music faded out once more.

Abruptly turning your head to look back at Aaron, the remnants of the escaped tears still damp on your cheeks, your voice was broken as you spoke, “I’m going to get myself a drink now.” Glancing at him, he saw the look on your face, but he didn't say anything. He knew exactly what you were thinking. The conversation earlier made it abundantly clear, but you knew deep down that he would have figured it out anyway; he could see the pain behind your beautifully heartbroken exterior.

Nodding, he stood from his chair and reached a hand out to you. Placing your hand in his, he wrapped his strong fingers around yours. Once you were standing, he let go of your hand, only because his instincts were working faster than his thoughts, and before his mind had time to catch up and stop him, he rested his hand on the small of your back. You felt it immediately, but you didn’t pull away; you welcomed the comforting gesture. As you made your way over to the bar, he trailed close behind you, his hand still on your back.

You’d just made it to the back of the short line at the bar when Aaron leaned in and spoke softly, “would you excuse me for a minute?”

You looked up at him through your eyelashes as you responded with a gentle, “of course.”

As he smiled down at you, you noticed something in the way he looked at you; something similar to the look he gave you earlier when he had introduced you at the pizzeria. But in no time, he was down the hallway, pushing the door to the men’s room open, your eyes lingering on his tall frame as he made his way through the crowd.

You would come to find out later, he had excused himself for those couple minutes because he knew he was mere seconds away from whisking you away from all the commotion and comforting you in any way you would allow him. Though you hadn’t reacted negatively, he felt as though the hand on your back had been too bold of a move, and he was kicking himself for not having been able to control his actions better. After seeing you so heartbroken, the lines from tears still fresh on your face, he wanted nothing more than to do anything he could to take all that pain away. He couldn’t stand seeing you hurting so deeply.

Turning to face the bar once more, you were trying to decide what drink you might want; you didn’t have anything in mind, in fact you didn’t drink often, but alcohol felt like the right move after the brazen attack on you by your own emotions.

As your eyes scanned the drink menu, you’d hardly noticed the person in front of you turning around to greet you, “Y/N? Oh my gosh hi! It’s been so long!”

As your eyes flickered away from the menu, you found yourself face to face with a stunning woman, her blonde hair tied back in a half-up hairstyle, and a bright blue dress accentuating her curves flawlessly. “Emma? Hi, wow it has been a while. How have you been?”

As you both shared generic greetings, you couldn’t help the anxious feeling growing inside you. You had hardly recovered from watching the first dance, and you weren’t sure you were ready to take on a conversation you didn’t really want to be having.

“So how long have you two been together?” She asked, motioning with her head down the hallway towards Aaron.

Your eyes widened slightly as your mind frantically tried to correct the assumption, “Oh! No, no we’re not together. We’re just.. friends. Co-workers actually.” She raised her eyebrow, and your eyes flickered from hers, then down the hallway, then back at her.

“If you say so,” she said through a smirk.

Blinking a couple times, trying to interpret what she meant, you murmured, “I’m sorry?”

Laughing lightly, she admitted, “I apologize if I’m overstepping here, but the way he was looking at you earlier? During their first dance? It looked like a lot more than ‘just friends’ to me.”

All you could do was stare, almost unable to process the information penetrating your blissfully unaware state of mind. While you’d been watching the happy couple share their first dance, heart aching with want for what they had, Aaron had been looking at you.

Before you had the chance to respond, you heard footsteps approaching from the side. You hadn’t looked over yet, but you knew it was him. It was almost as if your senses were on high alert, as the familiar scent of his cologne filled your lungs. You’d breathed in that same mix of sandalwood and.. something sweet that you couldn’t quite put your finger on.. before. You simply hadn’t realized until now that your body had logged that scent in your subconscious alongside the feelings of comfort and safety.

Finally glancing up to the side, Hotch read the look in your eyes and immediately knew something was off. He glanced warily from you, to the girl you were talking to, then back at you. As you made eye contact with the stunning blonde once again, you hesitated before speaking, “uhh.. Emma, this is Aaron.”

Looking back up at him, you noticed he was still looking at you, taking in every micro-expression on your face in an attempt to read the situation. As he turned his head to face her, he reached out his hand in greeting, they shook hands briefly and exchanged pleasantries. “Pleasure to meet you, Emma.”

The low rumble in his voice lingered in your chest; that was new.

“Likewise,” Emma responded gently.

As silence fell between you, you wanted the conversation to end before she said anything about her observations in front of him. It was almost like the bartender had read your mind, because just as she parted her lips to say something, her attention was pulled away, “miss, what could I get for you?”

As she turned to face the bar, she ordered her drink before turning back to you. Before she could ask any more questions about you and Hotch, you spoke up, “anything exciting happening in your life?”

Smiling wide, she was all too ready to brag about her perfect life. She had an amazing husband, three kids, and a golden retriever. She was the face of the picture-perfect family. Selfishly comparing your life to hers, part of you wished you’d let her believe that you and Aaron were together.

You faked a smile as best you could, and wished her and her family nothing but the best, before the bartended set her drink on the counter. “Well it’s been great catching up with you! Again Aaron, nice to meet you.”

Hotch simply nodded in response as you said your goodbyes, “enjoy the rest of your evening.”

The look she gave you before she turned away was one of, “think about what I said..” and you did your best to play it off like it was nothing.

No such luck.

Once you’d ordered your drink, Aaron teased, “What was that about?” He could tell something was off, especially with the last look exchanged between you two.

Laughing softly, you did your best impression of not caring, and simply said, “Oh it’s nothing.”

He could tell you were holding something back, but he didn’t want to pry. You saw it on his face, you weren’t a good liar, but he respected that you didn’t want to explain any further, and you were grateful for that. How you would have explained the comment she’d made before you’d even had time to process how you felt about it wouldn’t have been easy.

Once your drink was in your hands, you began making your way back to your table, Aaron following closely behind. You tried to focus on anything other than the moment earlier that you’d been unaware of. You fought with what to do, what to say. The new information rattling around in your mind made everything a little foggy. Was there more to him offering to accompany you tonight? Could you possibly feel the same way for him? Why had you never considered him before? He was kind, and strong, and as you’d found out tonight he was gentle when it mattered. And handsome.. so handsome. But he was your boss. You knew that was why you’d never given him a second look, you didn’t want to make things difficult at work. But maybe he would be worth the risk.

Finally making it back to the table, he pulled your chair out for you, and you thanked him before sitting down and taking a sip of your drink. The father-daughter dance had just ended, and the groom was now sharing a dance with his mother. When you saw the look on the mother’s face, it was clear she was proud of her son, and nothing could hide the pure joy radiating from her.

Looking over at Aaron, you saw the strangled smile on his face, and couldn’t help but wonder if he was thinking about Jack, about how he would never have the chance to share a moment like that with Haley. Though you hadn’t been working at the BAU during the Foyet case, you knew about it, and your heart ached for him. You knew it wasn’t his fault, but you also knew him, and there was no doubt in your mind that he blamed himself for everything.

Before you knew what you were doing, you reached a hand out and placed it on top of his comfortingly. He looked down at your hand first, before his eyes trailed along your arm, across your shoulder and collarbone, then to your face. Just as you were beginning to second guess your decision and pull your hand away, a soft smile creased the corner of his eyes as he covered your hand with his. Squeezing your hand gently, he looked you in the eyes, and he knew you were reading his mind like an open book.

Once again, with the confidence and comfortability that could rival that of people who had known each other for years, you spoke just loud enough for him to hear over the music, “Jack is lucky to have you as his father.”

He blinked slowly, before dropping his head and letting out a deep sigh. Looking back up at you, he smiled once again, and you knew it was his way of thanking you for being so kind.

The vulnerability in that moment brought a whole new level of confidence to you. So what if he knew what Emma had said earlier? So what if you were unsure of your feelings for him. Even though the possibility of you two had nearly blindsided you, you wanted to see if there was more to it than just what you knew in your own mind.

Squeezing his hand once more, you laughed softly before leaning in, “do you really want to know what she said earlier?” Gazing at you, a smirk appeared on his face as he nodded, and you confessed, “she thought you and I were together.”

Raising an eyebrow slightly, he couldn’t help it as his eyes trailed from yours, down to your lips, and even farther down to the silky green fabric hugging your curves. He finally looked back into your eyes and asked, “and what did you tell her?”

A bashful smile crossed your face, but you answered honestly, “I told her we weren’t. But only because I didn’t want to put that on you. I truly appreciate you being here with me, and being so kind to me, but I didn’t want to take advantage of that. I didn’t know if you’d be comfortable with it.” You never would have imagined yourself being so bold, so brave, when talking to a man, especially him. But everything had changed during that interaction with your old friend. The fact that she had noticed the way he looked at you, coupled with the look in his eyes you’d made note of earlier, had you coming to the realization that there just might be something there. It had you feeling like you could take on the world.

Just then, your attention was pulled away from one another as the DJ made another announcement. “We’re going to squeeze a couple more slow songs in here for any couples that might want a moment to themselves before we get the party started!”

Turning back to look at each other, he scanned your face carefully, almost as if deciding whether or not to act on the heat coursing through his veins. Finally caving, not only from what he was feeling in that moment, but under the weight of everything he’d felt for you for months, he leaned in close so only you could hear, “so let them..” His voice was more carefree than you’d ever heard it before, “let them think we’re together.”

He abruptly stood from his seat and reached his hand out to you. With your hand in his once more, he lead you through the crowd of people and onto the dance floor. Stopping right in the middle of the sea of bodies, he turned to face you, and you could feel the butterflies in your stomach come to life. You two might not actually be together, but he wasn’t afraid to show you off, he wasn’t ashamed to let people think that you were his.

Still holding your hand in his, he looked you in the eyes before gently placing his other hand on your waist. With your interlocked hands stretched out to one side, you placed your free hand against the breast pocket of his suit and slowly slid your palm along the soft material until it was resting on his shoulder.

As the music continued, you both began to sway back and forth, neither one of you able to look away, completely caught up in each other’s gaze. The bashful grin that flashed across his face made your heart stop, and suddenly it was like everything around you faded into the background, and the world began spinning in slow motion.

The people around you didn’t matter.

The aching in your feet from wearing heels all day didn’t matter.

The only thing you cared about in that moment was him.

It was clear he felt the same way you did. Unable to fight the urge to hold you close any longer, he acted before he fully understood what he was doing. Using his hand that was still grasping yours firmly, he moved your hand to his shoulder and encouraged you to wrap both of your arms around him.

You looked up at him and he gave you a look that enveloped your entire body in warmth, and suddenly everything clicked; you knew you would remember this day, this moment, for the rest of your life.

There was no longer a need to overthink everything, you were simply acting on impulse now. Stepping forward and wrapping your arms even farther around his neck, you pulled him close and immediately felt his entire body sigh. As he slowly wrapped his arm farther around your waist, he gently cupped the back of your head with his free hand and pulled you into his chest.

The second your cheek met his sturdy frame, you let out the breath you didn’t realize you’d been holding in. Somehow, even with your arms wrapped tight around each other, you felt like you weren’t holding him close enough. Sliding your hands back down from around his shoulders, you tucked your arms under his and around his waist, underneath his suit jacket. Feeling his body heat radiating through his shirt made you sigh against his chest, and before you knew it, he was placing a gentle kiss against your hair.

Resting his chin on top of your head, he held you impossibly close, his large palms lying flat against your back. The steady rhythm of his heartbeat calmed even the deepest of worries within you, and you felt like you never wanted this moment to end.

As he held you, swaying back and forth, he knew that trying to describe how he felt in this moment would be a hopeless task. There were simply no words for finally feeling your body this close to his, being able to wrap his arms around you and protect you from harm. Up until then, his hopes and dreams had been just that. But now, finally getting to hold you in his arms, everything became terrifyingly real.

In that moment, he truly fell in love.

He was utterly and completely in love with you.

Once the song began to fade out, you were hit with the conflicting feeling of the dance having lasted an eternity, yet not being long enough. You didn’t want to let go, but the commanding voice of the DJ rang in your ears once again, “Oooookay everybody, let’s get this party started!!”

You felt Aaron reluctantly release his grasp on you, as you pulled back from his embrace to look him in the eyes. The second your eyes met his, your stomach jumped into your throat. Everything had happened so fast, but it all felt so right. The overwhelming urge to pull his lips to yours was coursing through your veins, and you knew he was thinking the same thing, as his eyes flickered down to your parted lips.

The magnetic pull he felt towards you was immense, but he knew he needed to wait. He didn’t want to kiss you for the first time in a crowded room full of strangers, and he didn’t want to kiss you simply because it felt right in that moment; he wanted to be sure that it was what you wanted, too.

Before either of you could act on it, he leaned in close and spoke just loud enough so you could hear him over the music, “let’s get some air.”

Grasping your hand in his once more, he lead you through the seemingly endless group of people to the side of the building, where the door lead out to a stunning patio and garden. As you both glanced around, you noticed that there were only a handful of other people out there, most everyone else was inside enjoying the music.

Not letting go of your hand, he lead you down the steps, into the garden, and along the gravel pathway. Only a few steps along, there was an unoccupied bench, and you followed his lead as he sat down. The view was stunning, you could see the skyline in the distance, with the sun low in the sky.

He still hadn’t let go of your hand as you sat down beside each other. You only encouraged him to release the grasp on your hand so you could tuck your arm under his. Hugging his arm tight, you rested your cheek on his shoulder and you both sat there in silence for a short while, simply breathing in the fresh air and watching as the sun slowly slipped beyond the horizon.

Your mind was at peace for the first time in a long time, and you only had him to thank for it.

In the last couple minutes before the sun disappeared completely, he shifted slightly and you let go of his arm so you could turn to face him as well. “I had a wonderful time with you today,” his voice was sincere.

As he spoke, you felt that same feeling well up inside you again; one that told you exactly what you wanted him to do. You managed to utter one more thing before he finally leaned in, “Aaron, I..” you trailed off, finding yourself completely unable to express just how much today meant to you, “me too..”

And with that, his hand found it’s way to the side of your face, the pad of his thumb brushing against your cheek lovingly. He paused momentarily, giving you the opportunity to pull away if this wasn’t what you wanted. But it was exactly what you wanted, and you showed him by resting your hand on his thigh gently, before closing the gap between you.

As your lips finally connected, you felt the air change around you. Everything suddenly felt much warmer, as your face flushed, and your heartbeat began to rise.

Aaron deepened the kiss first, as months of repressed feelings began to surface. Pressing his lips against yours passionately, he felt your grip on his thigh tighten and he could have sworn that was what touching heaven felt like.

His hand quickly found its way into your hair, and he curled his fingers, tugging ever so gently, eliciting a soft moan from you. Swallowing the whimper on your lips, he kissed you deeply once more, before finally breaking away.

With your eyes still closed, all you could hear was the harmony of your heavy breathing matching his. Resting his forehead against yours, still breathing through parted lips, he admitted, “I have wanted to do that for a very long time.”

A breathless laugh escaped your lips as you pulled back to look him in the eyes. Bringing your hand up to the side of his face, it was your turn to caress his cheek as you responded playfully, “well I guess we have a lot of catching up to do.” The smile that graced his lips made your heart skip a beat, as you leaned in and kissed his lips tenderly once more.

Wrapping his arms around your shoulders, he pulled you into his loving embrace once again, as your arms circled his waist and you nuzzled your head into the crook of his neck. For the first time in your life, you felt truly cared for, you felt safe. And he knew it, too, as he kissed the top of your head and held you close.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Tag List: @ssamorganhotchner ; @ccristata ; @anlin2058 ; @sannunah28 

[reidscanehand]

Based on this anonymous request:  kiss #13 + fluff #15 would be PERFECT I think - just the LOVEY-EST fluff where they’re so enamoured & can’t keep their hands off each other  Thank you for the request, dearest xx

15. “I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re beautiful.” 13. When One Person’s Face Is Scrunched Up, And The Other One Kisses Their Lips/Nose/Forehead

Spencer Reid x BAUfem! Reader Category: Angsty Fluff

TW: mentions of body dysmorphia

This might not be what you wanted, but it certainly helps/comforts me to write through stuff like this and I hope it does the same for others who have struggled with these issues. This is another kind of long one for this challenge (1605 words). This is actually one of the reasons I started my hiatus (which I’m still on, this has been written and queued up for a while), but I read this and reread Profile Me and even The Revelation of a Feeling and I was genuinely shocked at how much of my own angst, trauma, and insecurity I’d allowed to seep through into my writing. I don’t really want to inflict that sort of stuff on others, however, I think sharing about stuff like this also makes this less taboo. So, all that being said I hope you like this one and I love you all xx

When the two of you had started dating, you’d been the more confident one, at least, seemingly so. For the most part, anyway. The first time Spencer had become aware of this issue was only about two months into your relationship. A meeting brought on this discovery; Hotch had brought up new kevlars, a perk from changing over directors, and had mentioned that everyone needed to get re-measured. You’d spaced out of the rest of the meeting, which was definitely not your typical fashion in these meetings. You’d even stopped taking notes, which was far from your usual self. 

“What’s going on?” Spencer asked you once the two of you had retreated to the hallway, not wanting to embarrass you in front of everyone. You’d gone around the corner and he’d followed you, thankfully hiding the two of you from the eyes of the bullpen. 

“What do you mean?” you’d asked, your brain clearly miles away from the present. 

“You’re...are you okay? You just seem sort of...spaced out?” He’d watched you cautiously, a brief twinge of anxiety worrying itself in his brain. Your eyes had flashed a sort of desperation for only a moment before you’d recovered, clearly masking your actual feelings. 

“I’m fine, Spence, just tired-”

“Y/N, please don’t lie to me,” he’d interrupted. “Is something wrong?”

You’d looked away from him and down at your shoes, sighing deeply before looking up again, “It’s fine, Spencer, really...it’s stupid-”

“Nothing’s stupid when it comes to you,” he’d whispered, taking your hand in his, the other reaching up to push your hair back from your forehead where he pressed a gentle kiss. 

“You have to say that, you’re my boyfriend,” you’d joked, but it wasn’t reassuring. Your voice was fighting back some emotion and Spencer was now more determined than ever to find out why. 

“I also happen to be a genius,” he’d teased back, releasing your hand to cup your face in both of his hands, “and I happen to think everything you do and say and feel is of great importance.” 

You’d finally met his eyes fully, tears glistening at the rims. He’d tenderly wiped away a rogue one that fell despite your best efforts.

“Y/N,” he’d edged softly, “please tell me what’s wrong.” 

“So,” you’d rasped, more tears falling as you spoke, “I...um...I just, um...I feel so...I feel so huge. Like I, um...like I’m taking up too much space.”

Spencer stared at you, not knowing what to say to this admission. 

“What...what do you mean, sweetheart?” he’d asked quietly. 

“It’s called body dysmorphia,” you’d clarified timidly. Spencer’s whole body froze, his mind grasping for answers. He knew about body dysmorphia, or, at least, the basics of it. But the idea that you perceive any kind of flaws in yourself is absolutely horrific to him. “Any time...any time my...um, body has to be…um, measured or weighed, I just sort of lose...all sense of my size? I just feel like the largest person in the world...like I’m...like I’m taking up too much...space.” 

“Y/N,” he’d whispered, pulling you into his chest as you’d started to cry. “That’s far from stupid, dearest. This is very serious, actually.”

You’d nodded into his chest, unable to respond around your sobs. He’d rubbed over your spine, hoping the nonsensical patterns he made would tell you how much he loves you, how much he admires your strength and courage. When your breathing calms down a bit, he pulls away from the embrace, only to hold your face in his hands again. 

“You take up exactly the amount of space and time and energy you should.” He was desperately trying to recall any and all things he’d read or seen that even mentioned body dysmorphia. He knew that referencing size in any way was a bad idea, as it would only allow the negative thoughts in either direction to spiral further. “You are beautiful and wonderful just as you are.”

A few tears and reassurances later, that had seemingly settled it for the day. You’d promised to mention it to your therapist during your next regular appointment, smiled and hugged him and you’d gone off to the bathroom to clean up after your tears. That was six months ago. The day they’d been re-measured for kevlars had been a tough one, but you’d gotten through that together as well. 

But now, eight months into your relationship, you’ve been avoiding him for about a week and Spencer’s genuinely worried. It’s only in this last week that things have taken a turn for the personal. You’ve been anxious and...off for weeks, though, it’s been building up slowly over time. He’s not sure what’s brought it on, but he knows it’s body dysmorphia. He hadn’t been sure until you’d been in the field, on a case of all things and you’d caught sight of yourself in a mirror at a witness’s house. You’d stood up straighter and turned ever so slightly to the side, your hand ghosting over your stomach and pushing on it, an odd, scrunched up expression on your face. The moment was over just as quickly as it began, but Spencer couldn’t stop playing it in his mind. Especially as you’d started to scoot away from him during date nights, holding yourself stiffly - uncomfortably, truly - in his embrace. 

He can feel his ire rising like bile. He’s absolutely terrified that he might’ve misunderstood the problem; what if you're going to break up with him? Thankfully, it’s a paperwork day, so there’s a bit of leeway in terms of activity. You finish about a third of the paperwork on your desk when he gets up the nerve to ask you about it. Thankfully, he still maintains enough sense to not do it in the public space of the bullpen, but rather pulls you to the same hallway from all those months ago.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Spencer asks abruptly, barely having made it to the hallway before the question boiled over and out of him. Your eyes go wide and then your brow furrows in confusion.

“No,” you respond quickly, like it’s obvious. “Why would you think that?” 

“You’ve been...off recently. Just avoiding me and...you barely let me touch you, even when we’re alone and I-” He cuts himself off when he looks back into your face. It’s all scrunched up, the same expression you’d had at the witness’ house a few weeks back. 

“It’s just...it’s the dysmorphia stuff again,” you whisper ashamedly. “I’m so sorry that you thought - Spencer I don’t think I’ll ever want to break up with you...but I’ll totally understand if you-” 

Unsure of whether or not it’s a good idea, he places a gentle kiss to you nose, interrupting you, but also causing you to release the scrunched up expression. You stare at him for a minute, eyes wide and bewildered. He takes the pause as an opportunity to wrap his arms around you and, for the first time in weeks, you don’t tense in his hold. 

“What...what was that for?” you ask timidly. 

“I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re beautiful,” he replies quietly, pressing a kiss into your hair. “And to remind you that looks aren’t the reason I love you. I think you’re beautiful, of course, because you are, but I love you because you’re strong and brilliant and wonderful.”

“I don’t…” you sniffle and he feels the drip of tears hitting his chest, causing him to pull you in a tad closer. “I don’t want this stupid body dysmorphia stuff to get in the way like this and I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, honey,” he reassures you. He rubs over your spine, hoping the nonsensical patterns he makes will tell you how much he loves you, how much he admires your strength and courage. An idea occurs to him, “You know how I get really embarrassed when people cut off my rambling?”

“Yeah,” you nod into his chest, sniffling still. 

“Well,” he swallows thickly, attempting to repress his own emotion a little bit. “Before I met you, any time someone cut me off, I felt like I didn’t deserve...like I didn’t deserve to talk sometimes. But the first time I talked to you...you made me feel worthy. I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to spend any time with you that I could, I wanted to tell you everything I know. You reminded me that every life is a miracle and any time or space or energy we take up...we deserve it because it’s pretty miraculous we’re here at all.” 

“You know,” you whispered into the silence, “for a ‘man of science’, that was pretty poetic.”

He chuckles and pulls away from you, only to cup your face in his hands and press a quick kiss to your lips, “I love you so very much, sweet girl. And I know this is not something that’s easy to get over. Obviously, I would love for you to realize how utterly beautiful and amazing you are, but even if you never do, I will always be here to remind you.” 

Some errant tears spill down your cheeks as you look up at him, a small smile playing on your lips. Relief washes over him as even the smallest glimpse of happiness breaks through. 

“Always?” you ask, your voice still small. Spencer looks at you, hoping you can see the future together he’s envisioned that’s playing out in his mind. 

“Always.”

[cmtwimagines]

You Deserve Better

SPENCER REID X READER

SUMMARY: Most coping mechanisms weren’t that healthy, you just couldn’t seem to give yours up.

WARNINGS: Self-Harm, Self-Deprecation, Insecurities/Low Self-Esteem

WORD COUNT: 4.4k

REQUESTED PROMPT: Hey. I was wondering if i could request Spencer Reid x Reader where reader struggles with self harm (cutting mostly) and self esteem issues, half convinced he should leave them for someone more mentally stable? - i changed it up a bit so it’s not that he should leave them, but more so go after someone “better”

You groaned at the sound of your phone ringing, pulling you out of your deep sleep and waking you up in your room that was still only lit by moonlight. 

“This is y/n,” you answered your phone without looking at the caller id.

“Good morning, or rather good night, whatever - it’s three am, either will work,” the bright voice of Garcia sounded out over the speaker. You couldn’t help the chuckle that left your mouth.

“Do we have a case?” you ask, getting her back on track.

“Unfortunately so, can you get into the office soon?” she asks.

“Yeah, i’ll be there in twenty minutes or so,” and with that you both said your goodbyes and you were quickly getting out of bed. 

With your first initial stretch you flinched at the pain that spread through your arm. You lightly soothed the ache you felt on your wrist, refusing to pull up your long sleeve and look at the horrible work you did to yourself last night.

You loved your job. You couldn’t imagine yourself doing anything else, but most of the cases were hard on your mental health. It made it all that much harder that while you’re an official part of the team, you still feel less intelligent and needed as everyone else. They never said anything to indicate that you could be better, or that you were even a bad team member to begin with, it just sat badly with you that you didn’t know as much as Spencer did (although, no one does) and that you weren’t able to piece things together quite as quickly as everyone else on the team. You were the youngest one, and also the newest one having joined just under two years ago. You were always learning and picking up skills to better your ideologies and techniques to catching serial killers, but in your head you could do better.

You knew there were better ways to cope with your stress and feelings of incompetence than taking it out on your own skin with a razor, but it’s what you’ve been doing for years and with your job it was the quickest way to feel any type of peace. 

Luckily for you, your job was also one that made you forget your own emotions and issues, at least during the time of working the cases. There wasn’t much time to dwell on your own problems when you were busy trying to find a murderer. At least your job can remind you that there is worse in the world than the hatred you hold for yourself.

In just under thirty minutes you were dressed, packed and walking into the conference room just as J.J. showed up too, the whole team ready to get a move on with the case. You made eye contact with Spencer and he sent you a gentle smile as you took your usual seat in between him and Rossi.

“Alright team, it’s a doozy,” Garcia chirps, filling us in on the details of the case we were about to set out on. After reading through the files and seeing the pictures, it was a quick “wheels up in thirty” from Hotch that lead everyone out of the conference room to do whatever they needed to do or gather before heading off to the jet. 

“So, did you guys plan on matching, or is that just a soulmate thing?” Derek asked as he drank his coffee and walked backwards in front of you and Spencer leaving the conference room at the same time. You looked at Spencer’s outfit seeing his purple attire and couldn’t help the smile from forming on your face seeing you were wearing a long sleeve shirt about the same shade as his.

“Maybe I felt it in my soul that he was going to wear that so I chose my purple shirt,” you quipped, rolling your eyes at Derek as he winked and turned back around to head to his desk and grab his bag. 

“So how was your day off?” Spence began, “Did you do anything fun?”

Your mind flashed back to the last twenty-four hours, thinking about how you spent it. The burning on your arm became more apparent and you could feel your face flush at the secret you were hiding from him. The two of you were closest on the team. It might have helped that he was only a few years older than you, or that you had the same views on everything, or that you were able to understand a lot of what he says or even just his nerdy jokes. You loved being around Spencer, and if you could have it your way you two would be more than just friends. Within the few seconds after his question the air was silent and you felt yourself go through a range of all your emotions. 

“It was fine. I just laid around, read some books, watched some tv. The usual,” you shrugged, removing your eye line from his, feeling as if he was able to see inside your mind and see the true things you actually did. Like standing in front of your mirror pointing out all the flaws on your body, or working out until you felt like you were going to faint, or not so carefully carving lines into your own flesh. You were a mess, and you knew that, but the less the team knows the better. You were terrified you’d be kicked off the team, and not only did that mean losing your dream job, but also losing the chance to be working alongside the only man you’ve ever felt even the tiniest bit of love for. 

“What about you, did you do anything fun?” you asked, not wanting to give him the chance to question you more about yourself. As you both grabbed your bags and all the way to car that was driving you to the jet he told you about the little things he did, and all the things he learned and read up on. One thing was for sure, you never felt any true resentment towards how knowledgable Spencer was. If anything you were just always astounded that someone could retain as much information as he does. You knew Spencer was an impossible standard to hold yourself to considering he was an actual genius, you just wish you had something as astounding as his intelligence that others looked to you for. Instead you were just the young, average agent on the team. 

You made small chat with the others as you boarded the jet, and after Garcia hopped on the cam to tell us a little more information as we bounced ideas off of each other, we were left to be on our own for an hour long flight. You and Spencer always sat with each other, but just a few minutes into our own personal time he got up and went across the jet to sit with J.J. to talk to her about something. As much as you just wanted to look out the window and space out, you couldn’t take your eyes away from their interaction and see how hard he smiles when he’s with her. It was dumb to think anything of it considering she has Will and Henry so you knew their interactions weren’t romantically intwined, but you still couldn’t help from floating over her frame and seeing all that you were not. You weren’t skinny like her. You didn’t have a beautiful face, and beautiful hair to frame it. You were average, and you hated that.

You quickly stood up and made your way into the bathroom, locking the door and pressing your forehead against it with a big sigh. All you wanted at the moment was your razor, but you knew the only one you had was buried deep in your bag that was still out where you were sitting. You felt ashamed with yourself that you even felt it was necessary considering all that you did last night, but you were hurting. Without thinking, you pulled your sleeve up, wincing at both the sight of your wrist and the feeling of your shirt sleeve running along the lines. You scratched a bit, letting out a sigh of relief when you felt and saw some of the scabs come undone, leaving small beads of blood to sit on your skin. You felt satisfied enough to grab a wet paper towel and clean yourself up some before pulling your sleeve back down and leaving the bathroom again. 

When you got back out, Spencer was back in his seat and awaiting your arrival. 

“You feeling okay? You look a little pale,” he acknowledged, tilting his head a bit as he inspected you. You habitually connected your hands behind your back as you nodded, telling him you just feel a little nauseous from having woken up so early and not ingesting anything other than coffee. You sat back down next to him, not hesitating to close your eyes and lean on his shoulder. You didn’t see it, but he couldn’t stop himself from looking down at you and smiling. You had your feet tucked underneath you, and your arms resting on your lap. 

He would’ve usually felt a bit creepy looking at you so closely, but the sight of the tiniest bit of blood seeping through your shirt cause his brows to furrow and his attention to be stuck on it.

“Hey y/n?�� he whispers, gently nudging you with his shoulder enough for you to groggily open your eyes back up. You looked up at him, concern written all over his face.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, sitting yourself up fully so you can take in his entire face. He seemed to be battling with himself on what to say, and for a second you held your breath thinking he was going to say something along the lines of professing his feelings for you, but instead he just offered a “never mind” and shook his head before looking back down to the files on his lap. You couldn’t hide the disappointment from you face, so you simply turned your head the other way and settled in for a short nap, this time not wanting to touch him. 

Throughout the rest of the jet ride, and all the way to the police station Spencer couldn’t get his mind off of your shirt sleeve. He didn’t know whether it was his business to even question you about it, so he backed off, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to just forget about it. 

He watched you while you worked. He couldn’t help it. He did it out of both concern and admiration. He considered you two best-friends. You had never judged him or made fun of the little things he knows. Instead you always laughed at his jokes or asked him more about a topic if you didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. You had been there for him both inside of work and outside of work, helping him cope with tougher cases, and also helping him cope with his sick mother. You know just about everything in his life and have never showed an ounce of judgement, so he’s trying to do the same, but it deems harder the more he sees the signs. You’re constantly pulling on your sleeves, as if they’ve somehow rolled up your arms on their own. Sometimes you’ll squeeze anywhere between your wrist and elbow and display a look of relief. If he looked closely enough, he could still see the little droplet of blood that he saw earlier, but he determined that if there was anything wrong going on with you, you’d tell him. Right?

You hadn’t missed how Spencer was watching you more than usual. During cases you’re used to working closely considering you bounce off of each other so well, but he doesn’t usually spend so much time looking at you when you’re not even talking. Your mind goes on overdrive, your insecurities settling in. While in one sense all you want is for him to see you, like really see you in a romantic way, in another all you wanted was for him to never look at you that way because then he’ll see your flaws. He’ll see your disproportionate body or your anything but clear skin. You hated to think he’d see you how you see yourself. So when you caught him looking at you for the millionth time that day, you escaped to the bathroom to look at yourself. Your reflection showed nothing out of the ordinary. Your clothes hid whats underneath relatively well, and your makeup hadn’t grown splotchy or anything. You looked how you usually did when you were in your professional setting, so you really can’t pinpoint what the hell he could be looking or thinking when looking at you, but it sure as hell made you uneasy. 

The rest of the day working on the case felt like it went on forever, and then the second day, but finally on the third day you were able to locate and arrest the unsub, saving yet another person from being killed. You loved that part of your job, and you tried to embrace the days you get to the unsub before they’re able to kill another innocent person. 

You reminisced on the flight home, and felt a feeling of personal victory. Due to rooming with Prentiss, you didn’t have enough privacy to do anything harmful to yourself, but the entire trip was a bit of a success in the sense that you didn’t feel the need to bring your blade out. 

You sat in your usual spot next to Spencer on the flight and spaced out as you looked out the window. Your focus was disturbed at the feeling of his elbow nudging you. 

“Would you want to have a movie night tonight? I think i’m finally down to watch that one cheesy vampire movie that you’re always going on about,” he suggested. Your eyes widened as you let out a small squeal, sending a small but gentle clap to his arm.

“Yes! I’d love that! It’s really bad and cheesy, but i love it and definitely want to experience making fun of it with you,” you laughed, your cheeks burning red. You knew he had an eidetic memory, but the fact that he wants to spend time with you and watch a movie that you’ve only talked about wanting to watch with him over the span of months made you feel a bit warm inside. You both agreed on going to your apartment right after you get your reports turned into Hotch just in time for the jet to land and you all to head back to the office. 

Time flew and before you know it you were back at your apartment, doing a quick clean of the small messes you created before leaving for the case as you waited for Spencer to show up with the Chinese food he said he’d grab on the way over. You went into your closet, opting to change into a pajama shirt and shorts before turning to your mirror and grimacing. You’ve worn pajamas exactly like this in front of Spencer many of times, but tonight just felt different. You looked bigger than usual, and you couldn’t stop yourself from turning to the side. Did you somehow get fatter over just a few days away?

The sound of knock at the door and it opening alerted you that Spencer was here.

“Hello!” he calls out just as you walk out of your bedroom, trying to forget your previous thoughts. 

“Sorry i took so long, i decided to stop at home real quick to put on comfier clothes,” he commented while setting down and spreading out all the food on the coffee table without looking your way. You gnawed on your lip, thinking about how you weren’t hungry anymore but leaving it be and forcing yourself to be in the mood for Chinese for the sake of not wanting to seem rude.

“It’s fine! Thank you again for picking up dinner,” you mumbled out, walking closer to him and taking a seat on the couch. He didn’t hesitate to sit down right next to you and put his arm on the back of the cushion behind you. 

“So, you have the movie ready?” He asks while looking down at you. Your mind was on overdrive at how close he was and how you could smell his cologne coming off of him. You could feel the warmth of his side on your own and in that moment all you wanted to do was cuddle into him, but you doubt he would want that. 

You cleared your throat, declaring that it was ready, and you quickly leaned forward to grab the remote and hit play. The beginning scenes to Twilight began to play, and Spencer leaned forward with you to begin plating his own plate full of chicken, noodles and rice. You watched to see how much he put on his plate, envious that a man his size could eat so much and not gain any weight. You plated your own, only taking a little of each entree he got, not wanting to seem ungrateful. He didn’t seem to notice, and you both poured all your attention into the movie.

He watched you plate as little as you could of each entree, and a frown settled on his face. He wouldn’t say you’re a big eater, but he knows for a fact that you would usually plate more than you had. He ignored it this once, assuming you just weren’t that hungry and it wasn’t his place to comment on what you eat. He was just happy to be as close to you as he was, and embraced the warmth he felt radiating off of you. 

All throughout the movie, his mind kept floating back to him watching you over the last case. You definitely had something bothering you, and he took notice that you wore long sleeved shirts every day even though the case was in Louisiana in the middle of spring, so it was at the very least short sleeve weather. Even now you opted for a long sleeve pajama shirt.

“Hey y/n, can i ask you something?” Spencer spoke up in a quieter scene of the movie. You took your eyes off of the screen and looked towards him, your brow furrowing a bit. He sighed, and leant forward to grab the remote and pause the movie entirely. He lifted one of his legs up on the couch to face you more, leaving you with a slight tint to your cheeks at even more of his body touching yours.

“I don’t want to overstep my boundaries, but i consider you my best friend so at this point i feel like there aren’t many boundaries,” he started to ramble, as you just nod at his words. He paused to look at your face, and in that moment you felt a bit exposed.

“I’ve just noticed some habits of yours that concern me a bit?” he stated, but it sounded more like a question. Your heart rate picked up, and your eyes grew wide. This conversation could go so many ways, and to be honest you didn’t think there was any one way you wanted it to go. He took your silence as a go to continue what he was saying, even though he could tell by your facial expression that you were a bit uncomfortable. He just wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he didn’t at least question you about it.

“Can i look at your wrists?” he bluntly asks. You’re taken aback, your entire body physically flinching away at that question, and your eyes grow wider than before. You didn’t know what to say, or if you could even say anything that wouldn’t make you seem guiltier than actually showing him your wrists. You kept opening and closing your mouth like a fish stuck on dry land, and you could tell by the look on Spence’s face that he already knew the truth behind the habits he was taking notice of. Your eyes welled up a bit, before simply laying your hands in his lap and looking away from him. He knew what you meant and you shuddered at the feeling of him rolling your sleeves up. 

You were embarrassed. You were ashamed. You were really fucking scared. What if he thinks less of you now? What if he reports you to Hotch? What if he’s disgusted by you and this ruins everything? Your mind was going crazy, and he still hadn’t said anything even though you know he’s had plenty of time to take in the sight of your cut up wrists. 

“Oh y/n,” he sighs, and the sound of his voice gets you to look at him again. He didn’t hold judgement or pity in his features, simply just concern and something else that you couldn’t pinpoint.

“I know it’s a stupid habit and that i shouldn’t do it. But it helps and no one’s found out so far,” you shrug, a few of you tears falling before you grab your wrist out of his grip to wipe them away. You felt more guilt than sadness building up inside of you, along with a large amount of insecurity. 

“Well i just did, so what are we going to do about that?” He asks. you shrug again, looking away from his face and down to your exposed arms, quickly pulling your sleeves back down.

“How about you tell me why you do it? Or things that make you feel like that’s your last resort.”

You look back up to him, so badly wanting to tell him everything that goes through your mind, but if him finding out about your self harm isn't enough to drastically change your friendship, telling him all about your insecurities sure as hell would.

“I don’t know, Spence. I don’t want to put all of this on you and have it ruin our friendship,” you whispered out, using your sleeve to wipe another escaping tear. 

“I’m telling you right now that nothing you say could change the love i have for you, i can promise you that,” his words struck you. You both have said you love each other, it comes with being best-friends and living a dangerous life where you never know where the next moment could bring you, but this confession of love felt different and made your already faster heart beat raise a bit more.

“I...” you pause, not knowing how to form your thoughts into sentences, “I just get frustrated about- i get upset about everything about myself,” you start off. You looked at him semi expecting him to have something to say but instead he just nods, like to indicate for you to keep speaking. You let out an exasperated sigh, almost in disbelief that you were even in this situation and having this conversation.

“I’m not good enough for you,” you spit out, bringing your hand up to cover your mouth as you just stared at him. His brows furrowed and you knew he was thinking deeply about your confession.

“I’m so in love with you, Spence. I love how smart you are and how you can answer any of my questions. I love the tangents you go on, and how you’re still able to be charming and funny. But you’re also crazy attractive and i feel beyond selfish to even think i deserve to be with someone like you. I’m so average. I’m not skinny, i’m not that pretty, i have fucking cuts lining my entire arm. The only good thing i’ve accomplished in life is graduating college and landing a spot in the team, but even then i feel like i don’t deserve my spot when there are so many others who are smarter and quicker to do my job better than me,” you spoke. Your words came out without you making the connection between your brain and mouth, and by the end of it you were embarrassed. You let yourself say too much, and you were worried this would be where Spencer would want to leave.

“I never mean it lightly when i say I love you, you know that right? Both within the team and outside of it, i’ve only said I love you to five or so people, and never have i meant them like i do for you,” he started off, grabbing your hands back from you so you were forced to face him and look him in the eyes, “You’re fucking beautiful, scars and all, i don’t care about them. Well, i do because i hate how they got there and i want to help that stop, but i don’t care that you have them. I don’t look at you and see the imperfections that only you seem to notice. I see my best friend that’s helped me through so much. I see a sweet, intelligent, beautiful person who treats me well and brings me so much comfort. I think you’re a badass agent, and i know the team would agree with me on that, and hopefully i can help you see that, but it’s fine if you don’t see any of this right now because now i get to stay by your side and help expose the truth about you to yourself.” he spoke. you nodded throughout everything he was saying, taking every word in and finding so much comfort in everything.

“okay,” you mumbled out. 

“Okay, you’ll let me?” He questioned, “You’ll let me stay by your side?” 

“Of course, Spence. I love you, and i’m so grateful for you,” at that point you didn’t know what else to say. You were surprised to hear him say so much good about you, but you knew Spencer didn’t lie. He found telling the truth was always the best and easiest option, it was something he took pride in. 

The rest of the night was spent with him actually physically not leaving your side. After a bit more talking, he unpaused the movie and you joked throughout the rest of it with your head leaning on his chest while he combed through your hair with his fingers. You felt the ball of guilt leave your system and instead felt your body flood with relief. He knew your secrets and he was still here. You should’ve never doubted him, and you had wished you confided in him earlier, but now that you have you feel like you have a second chance. It’s been a long time since you’ve had a constant someone in your life, and now having the man that you love know your deepest secrets, things are bound to look up.

[fortheloveofspencerreid]

Seasons - Spencer Reid x OC - Chapter 5

Masterpost

Chapter 5

Brooklyn, New York - Unknown Location

He wrapped the bodies in tarps and tossed them into the trunk of his truck. He slammed the trunk closed and got in the driver’s seat. He grabbed the bottle of Jack from the passenger seat and took a swig as he started the engine. He blamed Detective Doherty for this. One day he’d finished what he started with her. One day he’d get her again and he would take great pleasure in watching the life leave her eyes as she died at his hands. Almost as great a pleasure as he did when he shot her husband. She’d made it personal. No one got away from him. 

‘Hope you like the presents Doherty.’ He grinned to himself in the rear view mirror. ‘Two more bodies for your files.’ He took another sip of the Jack and then he peeled out of the driveway.

——————————

Brooklyn, New York - Lennox Doherty’s Apartment 

As the elevator doors opened they sprung apart from each other panting. Spencer could taste the whiskey on her tongue and he bet he tasted the same. She pulled him by his tie out of the elevator and Spencer felt light headed again. He didn’t know who had kissed who, he didn’t know who had leaned in first. One minute he’d been looking into her eyes and the next their lips were attacking the others. 

She pulled him to her apartment and unlocked the door. She pulled him inside and kicked the door closed with her foot. Their lips found each other’s again quickly and Spencer let his bag slip off his shoulder and fall to the floor. He put his hands on her hips and she wrapped her arms around his neck, playing with the back of his hair. 

She started moving them towards the bedroom, manoeuvring through the piles of boxes. She’d moved here a few months ago after she decided she could no longer be in the home she’d shared with Max. It was too hard. But with her busy work schedule she hadn’t had a chance to unpack much.

She started loosening his tie as they entered her bedroom. She got it loose enough and broke the kiss to pull it over his head. She ran her hands down his sides and hooked her fingers under his sweater vest, pulling that over his head too. 

‘Lennox hang on a second.’ Spencer panted. ‘Is this a good idea?’ 

She smirked at him and took a few steps backward. She shrugged her coat off and started unbuttoning her shirt.

‘No.’ she smiled. ‘But that’s why it’s so fun.’ She slowly undid the buttons and shrugged that off her shoulders too. She wore a black lacy bra and her skin was pale and delicate underneath. She watched Spencer’s eyes graze over her torso. She knew why.

‘You don’t want me now, do you?’ She put her hands on her hips. 

‘What? I didn’t say that.’ Spencer came closer to her.

‘Your face said it all.’ She rolled her lip between her teeth. Spencer reached out his hand and ever so lightly brushed his fingertips over the scars on her stomach. 

‘Did he…the unsub…’

‘Yes Spencer. He did this to me.’ 

Reid caressed the raised sections of skin. The scars varied in size and shape and covered most of her stomach. They were also on her hips, thighs, the tops of her arms and there was one on her chest, just above her left bra cup.

She looked scared for a moment, it was clear she’d never let anyone see them before. He let his hand wander up her side until he found her face and he cupped her chin.

‘You’re still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.’ He brought her face closer and kissed again, all his previous reservations melting away. In the same kiss, Lennox’s insecurities melted away too. By showing Reid her scars she had overcome a hurdle. The only other people who had seen them were the doctors and nurses at the hospital when she was rescued. She felt a surge of power. She felt strangely liberated for showing someone and not having them cower away.

She moved her hands over his torso and started working the buttons on his shirt. She got them undone and Spencer tossed it aside. He gently laid her back to the bed and climbed on top of her. She could feel he was hard, and see he was straining against his trousers. The look in his eyes was almost animal. It had been a long time since anyone had looked at her like that. It had been a long time since anyone had called her beautiful. 

She was rolling her hips up to meet his, making him moan into her mouth. The kiss deepened. Their clothes became fewer until they were both naked. As Spencer’s lips made their way down Lennox’s neck and onto her chest she looked up to the ceiling, a momentary sadness washing over her.

Forgive me Max. I just need one night.

——————————

Brooklyn Heights, New York - Montague Street

He laid the presents out on the side of the road, swigging the whiskey as he looked down on them. He wished he could hang around and see the look on Detective Doherty’s face when she found them. It made him smile. He downed the last of the Jack and tossed the bottle to the side of the road. He wondered where Lennox was now, what she was doing. God he wished he could be the one to call her and tell her about the gifts he’d left. 

He parted ways with Chloe and Amelia and jumped back in his truck. It had been a fun run but it was time to go into hiding. He was sure he could find something to pass the time. Imagining the look on Lennox’s face when she found the bodies would only keep him amused for so long.

——————————

Brooklyn, New York - Lennox Doherty’s Apartment

The ringing startled her awake, but she was used to that. She often got woken up by her phone ringing when she was on a case. Her head hurt a little from the previous night’s drinking as she rolled over and grabbed the phone from the bedside table. 

‘Doherty.’ She tried to make her voice less croaky but failed.

‘It’s Lent. We need you.’ Lent explained the details and then Lennox hung up. She sat up and swung her legs out of the bed.

‘What’s happened?’ Spencer’s voice was croaky and riddled with sleep.

‘They’ve found two bodies downtown. Just like I expected.’ 

——————————

Brooklyn Heights, New York - Montague Street

Lennox was up, dressed and ready to go within ten minutes. She and Spencer jumped into his SUV as hers was still at Hank’s and sped to the crime scene with his flashing beacons on. They didn’t even think about what it would look like the two of them turning up together, their minds on other things.

Last night had been incredible. Certainly one of the best of Spencer’s life. But he knew it was only a one night thing. He’d be going back to Virginia soon and she’d be staying here. He wanted more, but he was ok with that one incredible night. It would be a memory that would last forever. Even if he didn’t have an eidetic memory.

He drove as fast as he could, weaving in and out of vehicles. New York traffic was hell, he was glad he didn’t live here. 

He’d barely pulled the car to a stop when Lennox jumped out. Hotch, Rossi and Morgan were already there with Detective Lent and Doc. She ducked under the crime scene tape. The five men looked up at her, seeing Spencer trailing behind her. Morgan’s eyebrow shot up.

‘Didn’t know you got a call Reid.’ The older agent had a playful smirk on his lips. Spencer’s face immediately broke out into a deep blush. 

‘Arriving with Detective Doherty too.’ Rossi smirked also, looking between them. 

Lennox felt her cheeks burning under their glares. Despite the fact it was close to freezing out she felt hot. She could practically feel the marks from the hickeys she was sure Spencer had left on her neck. She hoped he hadn’t. She hadn’t had time to check. 

‘We were having coffee.’ Lennox spoke up, not believing her own words.

‘At six am?’ Morgan smirked at her.

‘Yes. Sure. Why not?’ She shook her head. ‘Have you ID’d the bodies Doc?’ She turned her attention to the aging coroner who was struggling to hide his own smirk.

‘Yeah, your guy left their purses in plain sight, just like with all the other bodies.’ Doc told her.

‘Chloe Barnes, twenty three.’ Hotch pointed to the body on the left that was covered up to her chin with a sheet, Doc’s doing not the unsubs. 

‘Let me guess,’ Doherty turned to the other body next to her. ‘Amelia Sanderson?’ 

‘That’s the one.’

‘Goddamit.’ Lennox groaned. ‘I knew this was going to happen!’

‘He dumped these bodies early, our presence panicked him. He might have messed up, he might have left evidence.’ Morgan tried to calm her.

‘No he wouldn’t. He’s too careful. This isn’t him panicking. This is a message.’ She exhaled.

‘What kind of message?’ Reid dared to speak up.

‘He’s saying, look what I can do.’

‘Actually,’ Rossi stepped forward. ‘I think he’s saying goodbye.’ He gently pulled back the sheet covering Amelia Sanderson’s body. On her torso in blood was a message.

Goodbye for now LD.

‘Son of bitch!’ Lennox yelled. ‘My initials. He’s making this personal.’ Of course it had been personal already but they didn’t need to know that.

‘We might be able to get a print from the blood. Crime scene units are on their way.’ Lent spoke now.

‘Oh come on Matt you know this guy as well as I do. We both know there won’t be any prints.’ She turned around and started walking away.

‘Where are you going?’ Lent called after her.

‘Back to the precinct.’

‘Uhm Lennox?’ Reid tentatively spoke up.

‘What Reid?’ She spun back around, anger seeping through her pores.

‘I drove you here.’ He gave a small shrug. She rolled her eyes and huffed a little.

‘Well come on then, what are you waiting for?’ She spat at him. 

Spencer gave his team a brief shrug before he followed her, scurrying to his car like a scared kid. Morgan laughed to himself. The kid definitely had a crush. 

——————————

Brooklyn, New York - Brooklyn PD

‘So kid,’ Morgan sidled up to Reid a little while later at PD. ‘You gonna tell me what happened last night?’ 

Reid looked up from the file he was reading, his eyes wide as he stared at Morgan perched on the edge of the table he was sat at.

‘Last night?’ Reid pulled a face. ‘Last night I went back to the hotel, read over some case files and then there was this Star Trek marathon on TV.’ His words were convincing. His tone wasn’t. He never had been good at lying.

‘Don’t lie to me Reid, we both know you and Doherty didn’t meet for coffee this morning.’

‘I don’t know what you’re implying.’ Reid felt himself getting hot under Morgan’s scrutiny. 

‘Kid, be honest with me. We’re friends right? What happened with you and Doherty?’

‘I uhm…we…’

‘Everyone gather around.’ Hotch walked into the meeting room where Reid and Morgan were, motioning for the others to follow him. Saved by the bell Reid thought. He knew he couldn’t lie to Morgan. Now he’d just have to avoid him until this whole thing blew over.

‘The ME confirmed cause of death as strangulation for both victims. They died within an hour of one another.’ Hotch addressed everyone.

‘Crime scene units didn’t find any evidence at the scene and there was nothing on the bodies. I think we’ve hit a brick wall.’ Lent sighed. 

‘I’m not sure there’s a lot left for us to do.’ Hotch sounded as defeated as Lennox felt.

She knew they weren’t going to catch this guy. The feds had given up again. 

She sighed and pulled the collar of her shirt closer to the bare skin of her neck. She’d caught a glimpse of her reflection earlier and seen the light marks Reid had sucked into her skin the previous night. She knew the others must have seen them too. She was so stupid. She couldn’t believe she’d let this happen. 

She couldn’t stop herself when she glanced over at Reid. He was already looking at her. 

His eyes had been trained on the small marks he’d left behind on her neck. Once he was gone that would be her only reminder of him and it wouldn’t be long before they faded and he was just a distant memory.

When their eyes met he felt his cheeks getting hot under her gaze and he felt the blush creeping in. 

This is it then. It was over. Over before it ever had a chance to begin.

He was going to miss her. He was going to miss her so much. 

Life was so unfair to him.

——————————

Lennox was packing away the case files on the Brooklyn Butcher once more, wondering how long he’d be gone for this time. The FBI we’re heading back to Quantico, now he’d gone underground again there wasn’t anything else they could do.

There was a knock at her door as she was putting the lid back on the last top box.

‘Come in.’ she called. The door opened and Hotch stepped inside.

‘I’m sorry we couldn’t have been more help.’ He looked deflated, she knew that feeling.

‘It’s ok, there was nothing more you could have done.’ Lennox stretched her back, rolled her neck. Her time in that damn cell had wreaked havoc on her joints. 

Hotch stepped closer and handed her his card.

‘When this unsub resurfaces I want you to call me personally.’

She took the card gratefully.

‘Thank you Agent Hotchner. And thank your team for me.’

‘If you ever decide you need a change in vocation, call me as well.’ He told her. ‘My team could always use people like you.’

Lennox gave him a half-smile, slipping back behind her desk.

‘As much as I appreciate that, this is where I’m supposed to be.’ She slid his card in her top drawer.

‘I respect that. But if you ever change your mind, the offers there.’ He nodded. ‘Goodbye detective.’

‘Goodbye Agent.’ 

Hotch took his leave but seconds later there was another knock on her half open door. He didn’t wait for her to answer, he pushed the door open and cautiously walked in.

‘You should really consider taking him up on that offer.’ Spencer stuffed his hands nervously in his pockets. 

Lennox stood but she stayed behind her desk. She worried what she might do if she was too close to him. Probably throw herself into his arms.

‘Like I said, this is where I’m supposed to be. At least while this guy is still out there.’

‘That’s a shame.’

‘Why do you care Dr Reid?’ She folded her arms and narrowed her eyes. 

Spencer removed his hands from his pockets and dared to come a little closer, now just the desk separating them.

‘Because,’ He gnawed on his bottom lip. Lennox thought back to last night getting to kiss those lips. ‘Last night I got to see a different side to you, a side I don’t think you show a lot of people. You briefly let me into your world, into your fortress you’ve been carefully building since your husband passed. And I liked the person I saw, I liked her a lot actually. I was kind of hoping to get to know her better.’ He shrugged sadly. 

Lennox unfolded her arms and they fell to her sides limply.

‘Spencer,’ she breathed, maybe the first time she’d called him by his first name. ‘I granted you temporary access to the fortress, but no one gains permanent residence. I’m afraid that’s a side of myself that I keep to myself. Regardless if I was to come to the BAU, things would still be this way.’ She wasn’t sure that was true but she was trying to make things easier on Spencer. If he believed there wasn’t ever a chance for them it might be easier on him having to leave her here.

‘Maybe. Maybe not.’ He shrugged again. ‘I guess we’ll never have a chance to find out.’ He chewed his lip. He was sadder than he should have been at the thought of saying goodbye to Lennox. It had been one night, just a bit of fun. But Spencer always did fall easily. There wasn’t a long line of girls interested in him so when he found one that was he wanted to keep them close. But he couldn’t. He and Lennox were destined only to be one night. He would remember it forever. 

‘It was a pleasure to meet you Dr Spencer Reid.’ She gave him a slightly sad smile. She was going to miss him. She didn’t know why. 

Spencer moved back towards the door but his eyes were locked on hers.

‘No Detective Lennox Doherty,’ he reached the door. ‘The pleasure was all mine.’ 

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