#Either way I am happy he is doing well
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Very early munday featuring little R.orschach! He's grown so much in the last few months since I got him back at the end of January, now he's looking like a proper little snake and his colours are coming in so much brighter now (though it might be harder to see as the lighting is so bright - sunny day!)
Figured out he might be close to a year old at this point between June-September so baby's growing up! 🎉
#;; mun bullshit#snake tw#snake cw#I love him so much guys you don't understand 😭#But he really is getting so much bigger#He's going to be a HUGE adult and that's surprising to me since I thought females only got that big#Either way I am happy he is doing well#He likes to burrow a lot but will always peek out to watch me 🥹#Will come out when I open his tank for a little sniff too 🥹 🥹 🥹
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Chapter 110 is 13 pages long welcome to hell!!! so in a lot of ways this is just more fuel for a theory that I've had for a few weeks now, that's only gotten stronger with each recent season 5 episode, which is that the last episode of the season is gonna end on 110, and that Asagiri/Harukawa and Bones have been collaborating to make this happen, specifically because it's a major turning point that would be the only good place to end the season on.
When we started getting especially long chapters again (like from 25-35ish pages, with the exception of 107.5, the last two being some of the longest we've ever had), at first I just assumed that Asagiri/Harukawa got freed up from some other obligations they'd been having to cause the extremely short/half chapters, like promotional stuff for the anime/Beast movie, or working on light novels. But then 109 happened, with the "supposed" death of Dazai, and heavy emphasis at the end on how literally everyone is at their lowest point right now, and I got to thinking. 11 episodes is a strangely specific number for an anime season -- why not 12, or 13, or even 10, like you'd usually see? Why have we gotten suddenly gotten two 35 page chapters out of nowhere, that's almost unheard of at this point? They're both beautiful chapters, don't get me wrong (as always), and maybe A/H simply just didn't want to cut them in halves because they felt like the full emotional impact wouldn't hit/that there were no good cutoff points in them, but you can't deny that it's surprising, after all the shorter chapters we've been getting. Why has the anime been going at such insanely breakneck pacing for the most part ever since around the Sunday Tragedy chapters, even more so than it has in the past? So much so that it feels dangerously close to overtaking the manga?
Well, maybe, just maybe, it's because..... Asagiri decided a long time ago that whatever happens in 110 is the only point that feels "season finale"-worthy enough, in an arc that still isn't anywhere close to being completely wrapped up, and so both the manga and the anime have been specifically coordinated to reach that part within 2 and a half weeks of each other?
I've seen a lot of people now think season 5 will end with 109, and as much as my sadistic side would find that hilarious, I honestly don't think they'd do that and realistically don't want it to happen; it'd be so cruel to cliffhanger the anime for years like that, and just doesn't feel like a season cliffhanger BSD would do, a series that is ultimately hopeful and uplifting. Seasons 2 and 3 had a positive, conclusive ending; the only reasons seasons 1 and 4 didn't was because they're technically not really full seasons of their own, and are more like the first cour of another "season" that also came out that same year (seasons 1 and 2 both aired in 2016, so they're more like one big season, and seasons 4 and 5 have both aired this year, so they're also more like one big season, again taking into account how episodes 12 and 50 are not satisfying finales like episodes 24, 37, and hypothetically, 61, are). I really can't see season 5 ending with Dazai and Fukuzawa's supposed deaths, Sigma being unconscious and maybe close to death, Atsushi being vulnerable and limbless again, everyone we love still vampires, and the entire world being basically doomed; that's just too depressing and not like BSD at all. However, having said that, if it doesn't end there, there really isn't any good place to end the season before that, either, that feels in any way satisfying or like a finale at all. And so, to me, that only leaves after 109: chapter 110.
I think things are really gonna turn around next chapter. Like I said, everyone is at their lowest point right now, it cannot possibly get any worse, the framing of Dazai, Fukuzawa, and sskk at the end of 109 is telling us that; this is the time for the heroes to finally start winning again, with Aya being so close to pulling out the sword, and for all the thematic reasons other people have talked about to death that I don't need to go into here again. This upcoming chapter being so short again makes a part of me wary of 110 being "the one", so to speak, I won't lie, but at the same time, it's very possible that it needs to be that short because that's all the final episode of the season will be able to reasonably fit in, since it's already gonna be VERY close if they do make it all the way to 109. And at the end of the day, I don't doubt at all that Asagiri and Harukawa can make these the most monumental and game-changing mere 13 pages ever if they wanted to; a chapter does not at all need to be extremely long in order to be an important and impactful one, even if short ones we've gotten in the past haven't felt the most important.
An additional thought I've had, though this is much more crack territory than all this already is, is that since we know from Anime Expo that a Stormbringer movie at some point is highly likely (judging from Asagiri's reaction when someone brought it up), it's possible that chapter 110 and thus the final episode will involve the long-anticipated return of Verlaine and/or Adam, or at least some other major reference to Stormbringer, that would naturally and smoothly lead into a Stormbringer movie to explain things to people who haven't read the novel. It would make a lot of sense, especially since the s4 OP has the Old World sign behind Chuuya, which might be a hint that this has been in the works ever since seasons 4/5 were first in planning with Asagiri. We also know that Dazai and Chuuya's voice actors apparently struggled to record their lines together this season, which probably relates to 101 and possibly 109, but it could be 110 too.... I could be very wrong, as I'm no expert on this kind of thing, but I kinda doubt they would bring Chuuya's actor in for just the vampire growls, and Asagiri placing heavy emphasis on Chuuya's importance this season in that one interview gives me the impression that he's talking about much more than just 101/109. But that's the least solid evidence I have, that's just mostly based on vibes I get.
So basically, I think a lot of factors -- the unusual episode count, how close the anime is to catching up to the manga with three whole episodes left, the seemingly arbitrary recent chapter lengths, and the climactic events of 109 -- can tell us that 110 might be a very, VERY big deal. Again, there's of course no way this arc is anywhere near close to being finished, with so much left to address and resolve, but since it is currently incomplete in the manga, unlike the previously adapted arcs, if the anime was going to adapt it at all, they'd have to find a place that feels satisfying enough to end this season, knowing there won't be more anime for a long time after this, and so I think they specifically planned for that, from both Bones' and A/H's sides. 10 episodes might not have been enough to reach that point, but 12 or 13 might have been too many it wouldn't have been if Bones actually decided to slow down and let the story breathe the way it needs to, but this post isn't meant to criticize the anime, so maybe 11 was just right. And maybe Asagiri and Harukawa specifically pushed to make recent chapters longer than usual, in order to make sure that the manga reached the story content in 110 the monthly release right before season 5 was to end.
Is this just copium? Absolutely. Am I going to look like an absolute clown in two days when this post ages like milk? Probably. But the evidence is There, so let me just enjoy my delusions until Sunday, okay 🥂🫡
#bungou stray dogs#seriously call me a clown and point and laugh at me if I'm proven wrong all you want#but I really feel like there's solid evidence for this#either s5 isn't gonna reach 109 at all (but I seriously cannot fathom where you would want to stop before then) or they'll go beyond it#if they really do end it with 109....... well i'll give Bones kudos for having the balls to do that ig lol#maybe i'm underestimating (overestimating???) them idk#also just to clarify I don't wanna make it sound like I think Asagiri let the anime/Bones dictate the manga's pacing#like I'm sure these were his/their (him and Harukawa's) own decisions first and foremost#not that (if this theory is true) the anime had a major impact on how the chapters were split and that it-#-would have been extremely different otherwise#i'm pretty confident in that Asagiri does not do anything with BSD he isn't comfortable with#and he doesn't let anyone tell him how to write his story#I just feel like he worked with Bones to make this near-simultaneous release happen#BUT if this is the case I don't feel like it had any major effect on the writing/final product that is the manga#like the last handful of chapters have been so incredible#so I at least am still perfectly happy lol#(i mean i'm devastated and a nervous wreck but u know 🫡 in a good way lmao)#anyway 110 in two days please let this theory be true because I need some fucking hope already#please let Oda show up as Dazai's guardian angel to help (see what I did there-)#it would be the perfect way to end the collective season that is 4/5 with s4 beginning with Oda and now ending with Oda#Asagiri are you reading me are you picking up what I'm putting down please please a ghost Oda is long overdue please-#Oda Verlaine Adam just GIVE ME SOMEONE ALREADY 😭😭😭#MAYBE EVEN A TASTE OF THE FYODOR BACKSTORY TO TIE INTO HIM BEING IN ANIME UNTOLD ORIGINS. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS
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anyway. not to do a 180 here, but it's gotta be so complicated for mitch marner, who loves to just be around people and in the center of his guys... to have his controversial dad come on these trips. like i'm sure everyone is An Adult and cordial about it, but there's no way it's a tension-free environment given paul's whole...... personality, lol. makes me sad to think about how the dads trip is not something mitch gets to look forward to as much as some of the others whose dads are so much chiller and just happy to be there and see the leafs and behind the scenes.
#like. mitch loves his dad but what a fucking stressful situation#to have to Do ur Job.#to know the man u purposely dont discuss ur job with is in the crowd and#to also probably feel a sense of guilt bc he is the one that pushed u to get this far but. also. like.#this doesnt get to be some relaxing wholesome experience for u..... eveyrone else gets to jsut. Enjoy#but theres a tightrope to walk when ur parent is Like That#and probably not the most enjoyable person to be around for the otehr dads either like. god#idk maybe everythings fine and dandy and ive had too much time to think abt the clip from eysterday but !#knowing mitch doesnt wanna listen to his dads criticism abt his hockey.#having seen ppl say that toronto hockey circles are small and everyone knows what Pauls like..... its just#SIGH ! sigh#happy he did so well tonight tho. im so proud of him#anyway. love letter to mitch marner. i am always thinking of u#the delicate balance.... the way hes such a big advocate for mental health... ah yes
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How the fuck did I learn how to efficiently help my partner through his autistic meltdowns thanks to a vashwood fanfic .what
#me reading ww help w vashs meldowns: oh well I . ?? oh ???? wait It does look similar to - OH ?? IT WOULD HELP MAYBE OH MY GOR#I followed fucking fanfic wws steps next time my bf had one#i used his way of asking and talking#the question that fictional bitch asked#and it WORKED#Fun fact were both autistic#just .completely different breeds of it#plus I cant understand ppls physical reactions to save my life#thought process ?? im a fucking expert . the BEST#but PHYSICAL oh hell naw#I just understand what I physically need but absolutely nothing more#NOW I CAN HELP HIM#U DONT UNDERSTAND HOW HAPPY AM I ABOUT THAT#autism#fanfiction#vashwood#ao3 fanfic#we had obv talked about it b4 but he didnt understand how it worked either so we left it at “dw if u dont know. ure trying and i love u”#(i wanted to eat his face and cry bc I HATE NOT UNDERSTANDING SHIT I SHOULD UNDERSTAND)#oh and I couldnt do what works for me bc my body is 100% uncapable of being vulnerable in anyway in front of ppl for more than .5 min prob#so I just loose my mind a lil bit w laughing randomly and moving compulsively like rocking on the chair or slamming things etc for that time#and the close off until im alone and gave the full needed meltdown#so ive never been actually comforted or helped so I dont know what it would help bc Ive never experienced it#rant ended lads now SORRY
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it’s not funny anymore. i need xander and spencer’s book
#like it’s serious.#how did they become my vacation couple?!#like i’m on vacation imagining what fictional characters would be doing in this scenario AND THEY ARE MY BRAIN’S GO TO?!#i can’t remember the last time i was this invested in a couple before their book even came out#mine#like us series#i guess technically not? but i don’t have anything else to call it rn#and also i can’t remember if i ever brought this up here but it seems obvious that we’re getting easton / vada and im here for it?#like we don’t know super much about either of them but i obviously like easton due to his friendship with xander#and vada is gillow’s child which automatically qualifies her for national treasure status#and i think it was clever of them to pair them off that way#bc otherwise even though easton is well liked he wouldn’t really qualify for a book as just a side character#(not that they didn’t do that for oscar / jack and are obviously angling for a frog / quinn book)#and vada needs someone trustworthy from outside the families#anyway. THEY ARE ALL I THINK ABOUT#YOURE TELLING ME I HAVE TO GET THROUGH ALL THE COBALT BOYS BEFORE THIS?? WHEN THE NLU SET UP WAS THAT PERFECT#like as happy as i am to get ben’s book in my life it just feels wrong that his and xander’s books won’t be back to back idk#🏆 this is for anyone that actually read this deep into the tags you are a warrior
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i did not survive the bloomfes meiko untrained incident
#OUR HAPPY ENDING TOO. COLOPALE DO YOU WANT ME DEAD TOO.#i'm so excited for bloomfes untraineds tbf more than for the traineds#BECAUSE IT MEANS LITTLE WXS REVISITING THEIR MEMORIES (PROBABLY)#AND I AM NOT SANE ABOUT IT#how i look sitting there knowing that since tsukasa got his colorfes last i'll probably wait a long time before he gets it but#hopefully not.... 🫶🫶🫶#ri says the less serious things. the tag#i'm working on more serious posts i promise. it's just so hot in here. i feel my brain melting. i cannot think.#wait no after a moment of thinking it might actually be fes emu story which is even worse.#but the first look at the clothes got me thinking oh it's our happy ending#well i mean meiko was featured in both of them so.#either way ksjwjssj emu otori stop being like that... stop...
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#just watched s 2 ep 7 of the vampire show#and these are just some ramblings that hopefully will not offend fans of the show im just trying to articulate my thoughts to myself#i think it was a cool idea to turn their trial into one of the theatrical performances onstage#however im still annoyed at how the domestic violence episode happened and was apparently a real thing#like idk it just ruins the whole vibe in the book of how these characters were living together doing awful things to humans yet#somehow mostly carrying on in civilized peace and not ever directing that violence toward each other for decades on end#this choice messes up the characterizations and relationship dynamics too much for me somehow#also messes up the aesthetics that are a delicate balance between the savage and grotesque and polite and refined#it was important to me that lestat wasnt the one to first cross that line in the books and that claudia was#i feel like kinda the one thing that lestat had going for him in the first book as a standalone story#was that he didnt ever cross certain lines with louis and claudia that the show made him cross there?#he seemed to have a different inner set of rules when it came to what violence he would do to humans and what he would do to them#it's hard to even articulate what kind of shittiness is a dealbreaker in a character or a ship to me#especially when theyre constantly doing stuff like feeding on people to stay alive#but for some reason lestat and louis beating the shit out of each other is just such a nonsense ooc thing to make them do in my opinion#also claudia in the book was valid for what she did to lestat already i thought. i dont see why they had to change or add to the motives#she was turned into a vampire at age 5 and therefore almost purely a vampire in nature and also totally valid in not being happy about it#and in the books lestat made her a vampire on his own after louis fed on her and they did not discuss it beforehand#and he never mentioned rules about a child vampire being forbidden and louis did not beg him to do it. in fact one of the biggest reasons#that louis and claudia decide to turn on lestat is because theyre convinced hes just pretending to know more than he does about vampirism#and either has nothing to teach them or wont ever let them go so they can find out anything for real about their own kind#these changes in the show bother me too but i think im not that good at articulating why#i also feel like as much as book louis's weakness and passiveness and guilt can get frustrating and isn't always interesting to follow#in a way that's kinda one of his more saving graces and most defining traits as a vampire as well - so i dont always know how to feel#about them making his character more powerful and aggressive and involved in things in the show at times?#on one hand i often get frustrated at his moping and indecisiveness and inactivity in the books#and yet on the other hand i find i miss his quieter softer excruciatingly polite book personality when i am watching the show at times too#p#vmpcs
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my mom found the thing that started the fight that got me kicked out. so i was right. in my fantasies this happens and it’s great in real life im gonna jump her
#personal#now i gotta call amazon like no sorry my mom looked again and found it#it’s happened to me i get it. you look everywhere and it’s just not there#but oh my god. i was like shit did i send it??? i only remember the other camera? i only remember that one in there#then it’s like well maybe i did take it on accident#and then i was like am i getting so high all the time again that i sent it too???? and don’t remember? that’s pathetic mm#so i called them and god hard to find their number but call and get a note put in the system like hey might have done an oppsie#and that took forever and i did it next day after the fight bc i did feel bad#which was at workkkk 😔#now i gotta call them back nutssssss#also getting my dads ashes separated for my siblings#which either need to do flex time to do that or take day off#which i’ve been doing a lot like hey im sick!#hey! my house got broken into!!#hi again!!! it happened again!!!!#luckily one was a mental health day so ur boys only called out twice yeahhhhhhh#but anyway honestly just happy i let them know the urn situation is 100% on you#said nicer#but i was like hey if u have one just send it to me or the cremation place has some just see if u like any#and i’ll see if it’s easier to pay online or give it to me and i pay them#but urns easily 100 bucks if not more. granted looked at metal before wood but still. ain’t noooooooooooooo way#if it was like. 20 bucks i could see myself being like okay ill fork it over and deliver the goods (dad)#and i’ll rant this everytime but especially when i asked about this when we were funeral planning and before i got them and got told to#basically shut up. no. that trip was super hard didn’t wanna have to do it a couple times#i remember i came home with dad sobbing he was buckled in and i got him out and was just holding him#and i let everyone know hey dads home he’s safe#and i’m distraught holding my dad but distraught and talking to him#and first thing my brother says is when can we get some of the ashes too?#no asking me hey. u alright? no im happy dads home safe nothing just. sooooo#oh i could have killed i could have KILLED.
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Was a lovely day/night ☀️✨❤️🔥 which is rare but it’s been great weather last week and this for here lol didn’t have money today or a chance to go hiking buttt I did sit in the back garden of my flat at a table and drew/painted, listened to music & watched stuff on my laptop, played with my dog (I made him a spot with a few couch pillows wrapped in a quilt cover next to me by the table and brought him water and snacks out lol) so I done that for hours and smoked weed and drew finished my Grace and Frankie drawing:)) 🎨 with watercolour pencils and pens (I need to buy new paint soon lol). I got high:)) 💨 it was nice ❤️🔥 wearing that big spaceship hat coz I couldn’t find my cap and my scalp burns easily so I took my mums huge hat, ironic I call her mothership and it looks like a bloody spaceship 🛸😂 lol anyway had a nice night, would rather go hiking again, but seeing this guy I’m seeing this week again,. Can’t stop thinking about our hike and picnic it was lovely :)) we keep texting he’s great
#keep thinking about the guy I’m kinda seeing how our second date was so amazing lol joke and picnic at my fave place#I wanna do that again with him…he’s super cool chill fun and honest.. never been creepy#never tried to push anything like most guys would in the woods alone by a river like#we’re going out this week again and I’m happy :)) we text all the time :)) I don’t wanna get my hopes up#but we’ve known each other months before this online and met for a few dates the second one was it for me#and him too I believe but he’s surprised I even like him! idk why I’m shocked he likes me he said he loves how weird I am in a great way#he said normal is boring and he’s not ‘normal’ as u say either I enjoy him :)) he’s also a great kisser and a gentleman lol he’s#he’s only s few months older than me too lol ok the tags rambling about my possible new bf if things go well#but was thinking of him today s he text me from work and I sat outside thinking about Thursday day/evening with him❤️#anywayyy#art#my art#actually me#my dog#dogs#max#maxxie boy#my pics#grace and frankie#fanart#i don’t think I took a pic of the completely finished drawing but it’s in another room I’m in mine rn it’s 3am I cba moving lol#rambles in tags
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get me OUT OF HERE
#this is about fucking. shipping. fucking orochimaru. get out of this polycule all of you shoo!!! go!!!!#STOP HAVING BABIES AND BEING HAPPY AND GOOEY!!!! STOP!!!!!! YOURE RUINING ME!!!!!!!!!#the fucked up little version of Obito ive made tho and his fucked up little niche of functionally immortal reincarnated body sharing#its like ive made him cat nip for Orochimaru. i was JOKING INITIALLY RIGHT??? I WAS LIKE#HAHA OROBITO HAHA HA HA HAAA FUCKING HELP MR#IM IJ HERE NOW LIKE OH YEAH AND GENE SPLICING IS SOMETHING OROCHIMARU HAS EXPERIENCE IN#AND GIVING HIM THIS AS A HEALYHY OUYLET AND MAKING HIM A MOTHER IN ONE FELL SWOOP#Obito has like 15 kids by the time Miho is created so shes not going yo be his heir (his heirs mother was an Uzumaki he hit it off with and#asked to have a kid with young (17) so shes 14 by the time the main series begins)#any way. Kakuzu being like ok you can have a chold under this roof but i will not be responsible in any way for it#and then holding Miho exactly once and going like 'oh i get why mothers die for their babies now'#Kisame takes the longest to warm up to her which surprises him bcus he gets along well with the rest of Obitos children#(Obito is like well. fuck you guys. Uchiha clan in Ame time and offers people contracts like in situations of fertility he adopts the mother#and father into his clan and turkey basters it (okay no he does send them to the hospitla but) and otherwise offers#a home a name etc for agreeing to join as either a civilian clan member or to have a child of his and some of the#second parents are like oh fuck yeah i want a kid but not a relationship/my husband is infertile/whatever and raise the child#as their own with very lityle input from Obito but some Obito has raised / was raising essentially on his own (such as his heir whos mother#didnt want to be in a relationship with Obito but wanted to test out motherhood and found she Could Not Do It and is now#more of an estranged aunt figure but 14 y/o doesnt have much bad blood about it bcus she has The Scariest Step Dad squad and#is 1000% creepy teen girl coded and it gets validated in sooo many capacities. cant do unethical experiments on mice when one of your step#fathers can bring you into the lab and teach you how to actually do the work and deal with an ethics commity that yes we have to#otherwise your father gives us the neutral but disappointed face)#ANY WAY#CAN YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ?? LET ME THE FUCK OUT!!! LET ME OUY LET ME OUT HELP SOMEONES FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUC
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Currently thinking about the lyric ‘wondering if I doges a bullet or just lost the love of my life’ with piarles and I don’t know what to do with this but thought you may enjoy
first and foremost: whatever Tumblr is doing to asks on mobile lately is TERRIBLE. it looks completely broken & i can barely read it!! *charles_wtf discord react*
anyways!! hello anon <3333 sorry it's taken me this long to respond! i saw this ask at work, didn't have time to reply, and then, predictably, forgot all about it. i am so sorry. BUT here i am now - better late than never, right?
SO. omg. this lyric!! 🙏 a banger... ngl it breaks my heart to think about it in a piarles context, but i also love it. "wondering if i dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life" - i could see this as charles POV after a break-up. he's hurting and he's mad but he's also terrified that he lost the one thing that matters even more than ferrari...
ALTERNATIVELY - and you'll have to forgive me for bringing in something a little toxic/cursed here, but this is where my brain is at lately, i'm afraid - this lyric is still charles POV, but he thinks it about max. after a break-up with max (and, spoiler alert... he DID dodge a bullet with that one.) but it was a good dodge, because guess who is there to pick up the pieces and treat him a thousand times better than max ever could... 😉 pierre, of course. and THEY never break up - no, they have a "call it what you want" inspired romance <3333
either way: there is SO much potential for this lyric + piarles, and i adore you for opening my eyes to it!! tysm anon 🤩
#asks & answers#anon#BESTIES I AM SO SORRY FOR IMPLYING LESTAPPEN - EVEN PAST LESTAPPEN - ON MY BLOG IN A FIC IDEA#unforgivable i know 😭😭#BUT i made it piarles in the end so please forgive me... if you can... 🥹#it's just that i hate piarles break up fics 😭 i hate it. i am a sap and i need them to be happy ever after FOREVER#(unless it's a second chances fic... but then it needs to be done REALLY well and i *need* my happy ending)#the point is; though; i can never really do piarles break-up hcs for long#but i CAN do a sort of toxic & very much anti-lestappen thing where charles breaks up with max (everyone cheered!) and gets with pierre#HOWEVER. do NOT misunderstand this as me saying charles would always have a what-if in his mind about max#HE WOULD NOT. he would leave that behind him like 'good riddance to bad rubbish'#so perhaps this song IS better suited to piarles after all bcs of the 'wish i could go back to you right now' vibes...#mmm#either way this has given me a LOT to think about and delicious ideas to ponder#thank you so much anon!!#and sorry this answer is such a mess LMAO. that is... also the state of my brain rn i'm afraid xD
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I am once again asking why everything I do leads to me having the weirdest problem ever known to man
#am i being tested by god. is that what it is. because sir i am not one of your strongest soldiers. i’ll lob my phone into a volcano#and move into the forest. and if anything crazy happens in the forest i’ll just [redacted]#like all i did was send off my dna to be tested for no good reason and now i’ve found a half brother i didn’t know about#and he’s respecting my wish to not contact our other siblings until i’ve told them he exists#(because i don’t know how they’ll react considering one of them’s mom got fucking cheated on by our dad)#and i am just sitting here like. SHOULD i tell them. WHEN should i tell them. HOW should i tell them#i feel like this isn’t a facebook message type of situation but considering i don’t know where either of them live or what their phone#numbers are because they don’t fucking communicate with me because we’re very LC; fb it’ll have to be#i haven’t spoken to my sister in 12 years or my brother in 2 though. so.#they’re not bad people or anything it’s just.. it’s difficult to know what to say to someone when you have a massive generational gap#and nothing in common apart from a man who is dead#i do feel like sooner or later i’ll have to tell them because i know if it were me i’d want to know#and it’s not like i’d be forcing them to use the information in any way#i’ll probably ask P (brand new half brother) for his consent first. he may not even want to speak to them#given that he’s had a million questions for me though; he probably will. it would be kind of nice if he’d bombard somebody else actually#but still. step one: get P’s consent to mention his existence to people. step 2: draft appropriate message#something like ‘hi [name]; i hope you and [family members i know of] are well. i just wanted to let you know i did a myheritage dna test#and i’ve found and contacted a man who i believe is our half brother. he was born in [year] in [town] and he looks just like our dad.#his name is [name]. we’ve compared notes and i’m almost certain he is our sibling. i realise you’ll have a lot of questions so please don’t#hesitate to ask me anything you’d like to know. he’s happy to be contacted by you through [profile link]. i realise this will be a big shock#but i thought you needed to know as i would want to know in your place’#and just. send and await the shitstorm#i don’t want to be doing thiiiis. but like. who else is going to do it#personal
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i dont get paid money for this job but they do pay for my dorm fee (+3000€/yr) and one of the dorm workers just told me that theyre surprised at what a good job ive been doing and 🥺🥰🥺🥰🥺🥰
#i am not immune to getting compliments actually#and like its genuinely not a 'job' bc ive basically been doing abt 50% of what i had been doing other yrs#except this time. well. i save over 3000€ for it!!!!!#AND now this means that i might (🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼!!!!) get a room and bathroom for myself in the coming future#im very excited for it but i doubt that im gonna get it bc the other person that is probably gonna get it#actually deserves it as in its in his 'job' description that he has a big room#i just get the leftovers of the other 3#ALSO ALSO ALSO this is rly funny but the dorm worker that yelled at me and threatened to have me expelled#(before either of us knew i was gonna be RA) apparently said that she was very surprised (in a good way) of what an amazing job i was doing#god im gonna cry🥺just knowing this makes me rly happy. i still dont rly like her but knowing that her opinion of me is. somehow better#makes me very happy#z xarre
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#having a bad time#remember when I said I was gonna put off the wedding until my birthday and that would solve all my problems#Well it actually solved none of my problems#had a full blown panic attack this time#bc I've been making plans for the holidays with my best friend#obviously these plans will be including my wonderful fiance who I'm thinking of leaving#not me having to pretend to be excited about spending Christmas together with my loved ones#Now I'm like I have to do it before the holidays bc how am I going to spend the next 2 months putting on a show of being happy#When I literally just spent the last 45 minutes bawling my eyes out at the thought of making xmas cookies with my significant other#bc a month from then ill either have to leave him or marry him#and i don't want to marry him#but I can't even tell my best friend who I've known since I was 5 this information because she loves him just as much as I do#I fucking hate it here and i genuinely wish that i was never born#Literally don't want to be here anymore#he and I've barely talked this week bc ive been avoiding him bc I can't stop thinking about how im gonna wreck our whole lives#the number of people im gonna disappoint#the way his daughters are gonna take it (badly)#our moms#i cant fjcking do this like im#am i going to just marry him anyway bc i dont have the guts to call it off#it honestly shouldn't scare me this much to think abt that#i sound so fucking ridiculous#personal
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happy points bc its day 1 of mental health intervetion/treatment and im so ready to be alive finally
i saw my best friend sing live on a christmas concert the other day. they are mesmerizing on stage, they did great and they got a lot of cheers bc theyre absolutely phenomenal!!!
i am slowly but surely learning barre chords and its painful and my tiny tiny rheumatic hands keep cramping but its all COMING TOGETHER
i crocheted a squishy pillow
yesterday i tried to make some art and i made some goofy ass looking frog blobs
i have high hopes for the friendship with my best friend progressing in a way that is insane for both of us, the trust we are and will be building is like nothing else
also i cooked yesterday!! it's the blandest yellow curry youve ever seen but it will do, i didnt go shopping for curry ingredients 🤡
my friend came over on saturday!!! we had a lot of snacks, infodumps and also a sweet singing session! shes the best frfr
#mine#happy points#theres a lot happening#some days are okay#some days are less okay#and some days i feel so hopeless and i write the most alarming poems abt death lol#but im still alive#i am still alive#i sometimes wonder how is mr man doing#we were good friends at one point too see#so i hope he got the help he needed and that hes also trying to live rather than survive#i hope bro is making sound decisions for once and not gaslighting the shit outta ppl 💀💀#i still do believe hes a good person in his core#the circumstances tho didnt add to his health nor sense#well#either way i do hope hes fine
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the mood of the day is watching videos on nostalgic girly media from my childhood to Feel Something
#⇢₊˚⊹ 🩷∥ruby∥yo，ide yo !!#i actually had a good time with my boyfriend yesterday#but spending time with him feels like escapism tbh#the second we have to go back to our own lives i feel like the really sad reality i live in just slaps me in the face again#it's not like we do anything special when we get together either. we literally just hang out#so the way that everything feels so incredibly different with vs without him to the point where it gives me whiplash...#does feel a touch concerning#i mean my mental health hasn't been in great shape for literal years at this point so why am i surprised#and all the little media things i consume are just temporary distractions to sustain me until i get to meet up with him again#which is the true distraction that brings me a modicum of happiness. of which i have next to none of otherwise.#when i'm with him i start to feel like “hey; maybe things aren't so bad and i can actually do something with my life”#but the second he leaves my brain goes right back to “nvm life's true nature is suffering and i'll never amount to anything ever”#he's a great boyfriend. literally the best boyfriend ever. i'm just extremely mentally unhealthy#and i feel bad about that because i feel like i could never do anything that would even begin to repay him for everything he's done for me#but he always says that i actually have and i just can't accept that as fact#since i'm mentioning him right now anyway i want to brag about him a little bit#i introduced him to one of my uncles for the first time yesterday. and of course he approved immediately#literally everyone i've ever introduced him to likes him. and i'm just over here like. well obviously <3#i lucked out super hard in the romance department what can i say#it only cost me literally every single other place in my life where luck could be applied but shh it's fine#anyway i'm probably gonna change up my blog theme again soon#i just need to figure out header and icon and all that
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