#EVERDAY!! EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE I DREAM ABOUT IT

[woahjo]

Babe have you ever been so down bad for a fictional man that you want to get him pregnant ?

i am a gojo and an armin lover... what do YOU think the answer to that is???

[alekaknightt]

washed away

i have a memory in mind, i often find myself traveling there all the time, its mid afternoon im with my older brother we’re watching cartoons, i can feel the warmth from the sun onto the carpet, i just sit there cross legged with him, i feel safe, i feel at home, i laugh with him, and then he leaves and plays with his friends, i still sit there mindlessly, i twirl my hair, play with my hands, grab a snack, do my homework,

wonder..

wait.

dream…

i feel childhood memories as if they’re a beautiful portrait of imagery and watercolored languid love and life is the storm that you find when you go outside and see bits washed away and every night and every time you wake up another piece has washed away and yet..

you can still see it. but only ever in your mind.

you go and try with the same colors and the same freefall thinking but it never comes out right, never can seem to recreate it the same, its there but only slightly.

different.

washed away.

you have all the colors and broken links of chalk but its too difficult, too much pressure to try and get it exact. and yet too afraid to create something new.

we’re in the car, me, my mom, my two brothers. we’re driving around the same city we all know, its mid afternoon again, pumped up kicks is on the radio, it’s dream pop melody with the same chatter from my family and the glow the sun is emitting from back of car as if it’s setting the scene fills my chest with the same safety and comfort i can’t put into words. i can’t remember anything but the feeling. a feeling i always thought would be there.

washed away.

my mom comes home with a dvd one night , “coraline”, my brother thinks its dumn and goes to play video games, im intrigued, excited, and yet terrified of something new. i loved it and had nightmares for two weeks.

14 years later im 17, its anniversary is playing in theaters again, i walk in excited, the same excitement i remember feeling the first time i ever watched it, and as i sit down i feel as if im sitting with a younger me, im entranced, jittery, and as the credits role i realize I’ve never felt more alone.

washed away.

all of grandmas i credit to help shaping my childhood. don’t want me around anymore. my conversations feel forced, burdening. my chest feels tight and mind scattered. i don’t know what to say anymore. my full cheeks and all toothy grin and wild curls can’t speak for me anymore. i think of them now with a 6 years old heart.

washed away.

talking with my brothers is different. i weirdly know them better, i can gather all the tools to start to understand, and yet it breaks me so much more when i do, they have so much pain and anger, i don’t feel safe as i once did, because i realize it’s all gone.

washed away.

i wake up alongside my little sister, i see the mop of light brown blonde curls, i see big brown eyes sunken with sleep, long graphic pjs, i see her as she breaks out into the same all knowing toothy grin i once had, her face says it all, she’s inspired, she’s safe, she’s ready for the day.

washed away but excited to draw again.

my childhood was magical. i believed in everything and nothing. the good in everyone. fearless. excited for everday. i don’t know if that feeling will ever come back. i felt safe, wrapped in warm blankets of comfort, the same happiness and excitement you get after swimming all day and you start to eat and then fall asleep, content. i wonder where it all went sometimes.

because between here and there i stopped crying out of pain and started crying being filled with so much pain, between here and there i stopped wanting hugs because i never felt as if anyone ever wanted to hug me as much as i did, between here and there i stopped wearing purple and pink because too much color was loud and repressive, like listening to happy music when you’re sad. between here and there i stopped letting my stomach hang out and stopped not caring about my appearance, between here and there my curls were reduced to straight, all teeth smile now a tight lipped grin.

between here and there and everywhere it all washed away

just washed away

aleka

[megansaber]

How To Survive a Season of Unemployment

8/16/2023

Exactly three months ago, I worked my last shift at the corporate company I had been at for over two years. What started as my dream job in 2020 inevitably became a job I was forced into when the team I was on was completely removed from the company and I was placed in a role I didn't want as a means of saving me from being laid off. I'll spare the details.

I was determined to quit, but like anyone else in their right mind, I was worried about how I would financially afford not having a regular paycheck. I didn't have money saved up but I knew I couldn't stay working a job every single day that I was unhappy with. I preach every day to live with intention, like every day could be your last, because one day, that will be true and none of us get to control that, and oftentimes it comes sooner than we anticipated.

So how have I made money to survive the last three months without a job while also still being able to travel and live my best life everday?

Here are my life hacks for quitting your day job and living your best life, even if it's only for a short amount of time.

Airbnb. I live alone in a three-bedroom house and I don't always have friends staying with me. I figured I could utilize the extra space by listing a room on Airbnb for additional income. I did this back in 2015 and had an overall positive experience so I figured it couldn't hurt to do it again. I knew the money that Airbnb brings in and I don't mind sharing my space with others, so I listed the room and bookings immediately came in. Over the entire summer, my space was booked about 95% of the time, bringing in $2k-$2.2/MO. Sadly, by my own wrongdoings, I didn't get the required permit from the city of Nashville and had to recently turn off my listing for AN ENTIRE YEAR, until July 2024.

Unemployment Checks. No shame here, I pay my taxes and can use a little help when necessary. While I personally made the decision to quit my last job, I did throw out the idea to the company about them laying me off instead of quitting for the sole purpose of being able to file for unemployment. Crazy, right? No one thought I was going to be able to pull that one off, even myself. But you will never know if you don't ask, so I asked and I received. Unemployment check amounts are laughable, but something is better than nothing, and I was bringing in $1175/MO with them. No ego, amigo here. I'll take whatever help I can get.

Cash out on PTO. Simple enough, I cashed out on three weeks of PTO I hadn't used from my company. That amounted to 1.5 paychecks, which is almost a full month's pay.

Severance Checks. Okay, admittedly, one of the perks of being laid off from my last company was the severance they were providing for those that lost their jobs. It was one entire full month's pay. Truly a freaking blessing, because I know a lot of companies would not do this for their employees. This severance check helped IMMENSELY. Again, I lucked out by asking my company to lay me off as opposed to me quitting, and I believe the only reason they let me do this is because my role was eliminated from the company and I was placed in a role I was not hired to do from the start.

Brand deals. Over the last three months, I researched ways that I could make money on brands that I already used at home. This has been, and still is, the slowest burn as far as making money goes. I was making short reels on Instagram for $6-$20/reel using the Kale app. Outside of Kale, I found Cohley, where you can apply to briefs to shoot video content, product reviews, or photo content for brands, which has been way more effective. I just landed my first real brand shoot for $300! Other (free) brand deal sites outside of Kale and Cohley that I've had luck with are Influee and Popular Pays. You can also join Shopify Collabs, get free or discounted products sent to you, and post about them on your socials using your affiliate links!

Sell random shit around your house. I remember right before I listed my space on Airbnb, I changed all the doorknobs in my house and now I had three basic doorknobs I didn't need. I told my friend I was going to list them on FB Marketplace and he laughed at me. Two months later, once I had already forgotten about them, someone reached out and asked to buy them. Sold! Do this with everything in your house that you don't need. This obviously isn't going to pay your rent/mortgage or car payment, but as I say, any money is good money.

There you have it! I genuinely did not have money saved up when I quit my job but I knew the universe was going to provide for me in the ways I needed. Yes, I had to put in a little bit of work. Yes, I had to share my home with strangers for the summer (some guests turned into lifelong friends). Yes, some of the money came easy.

At the end of the day, I 100% knew I'd be okay if I just took that chance of leaving and just seeing what happens. The world is one big energetic field, and you get what you give.

If you are in the same boat that I was in three months ago but you have excuses under the sun of why you can't leave that job you hate, that is the energy you're going to receive. However, if you shift that mindset, similarly, you will still receive, just in better ways:). Positive energy attracts positive energy, and it goes both ways.

Someone once said the quote, "Whatever you think you can do, you're right." I don't even know if that's the actual quote or who said it, and I am not going to look it up, but if you truly believe that you can or cannot quit your job and live your dream life, even for a short amount of time, you're right! So...

Which truth do you want to live?

[yer-cute-when-you-scream]

day6 as boyfriends headcanons?? fluff and smut pls 🥺

A/N: I hope you enjoy this and I’m so sorry it took me so long to finish, I  had bad writer’s block );

Sungjin    

He gives you loving gazes all the time

You could be brushing your teeth and you look over to him

He’s looking at you like you’re his whole world

Oh, that’s right you are his whole world

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

“No, I just love looking at you.”

You have that romance movie cliché type of love

Your friends are jealous of the love you share together

However, he’s wary about PDA, but he will hold your hand in public

Maybe a kiss on the cheek

He just prefers to keep those intimate moments between the two of you

He occasionally serenades you with his guitar

Sometimes, you’ll ask him to play because it helps you fall asleep

He loves looking down to see you all curled up and hugging his pillow

Sex is absolutely amazing

You both praise the hell out of each other

It can get rough sometimes but that’s usually when he’s really stressed

But he always makes sure you’re okay with it beforehand too

He loves morning sex and the peppered kisses that come along with it

He loves the way you look when you’re riding him

It brings him to his knees every time

He will give you whatever you want if you ride him

You were sitting on the couch watching a show when you heard the front door open. You look over and you see Sungjin with his shoulders hanging low, he looks exhausted. He trudges over to you and you motion in front of you, “Sungjin, sit down,” you tell him, he gives a strange look but obliges. You help him take his jacket off and begin to massage his shoulders, working your hands to get the knots out. He lets out a few groans as he closes his eyes and relaxes under your touch. “Baby, why are you doing this?” he asks, curious at your sudden actions. “I knew you were practicing really hard today, I just wanted to help you relax a bit.” Your hands move down his arms, deeply massaging more. He lets his head fall back against your chest, turning his head to kiss your cheek. He wonders how he got so lucky to find someone like you.

 Jae

#1 Supportive Boyfriend

He loves making you happy

You both are always joking around and pranking the others together

He loves it when you wear his clothing

Especially when the first thing he sees in the morning is you in only his shirt

“Babe, you’re drooling.”

He always makes sure you have a few of his shirts and hoodies before he leaves on tour

You will never not have any confidence around this man

He always hypes you up

He doesn’t really care about PDA

He will give you a loving kiss in public like nobody is watching

Silent giggles at night

He’s so playful with you

Being absolute crackheads together

So much kissing in the morning…plus other things

Morning sex is his favorite thing

Most of the time it happens cause all you’re wearing is his shirt

He just lifts the shirt up and slides into you

Loves pleasing you

Always eats you out like you’re his last meal

Such an amazing lover omfg

He wants to watch you come undone beneath him

He’ll definitely overstimulate the hell out of you

You were walking in the park with Jae, laughing at each other's jokes and stories from when you were younger. You looked over and saw an ice cream stand, immediately grabbing his hand and running over there to look at the selection. Before you could even grab your wallet and tell the worker what you wanted, Jae had already ordered your favorite flavor along with his own cone as he took his wallet out. You looked over to him smiling because he remembered your favorite, ”Thank you, Baby. you know I wasn’t expecting you to pay?” you tell him, before giving him a kiss on the cheek. He smiles over to you and nods, ”I know, but I still wanted to pay.” You chuckle then look down at his wallet and see in one of the clear sleeves a polaroid of the both of you. You had taken that picture on your first anniversary; you were both on the couch and he had his arms around you, and he was kissing your cheek. ”You keep that photo of us in your wallet?” you asked after he put his wallet in his pocket,  the both of you grabbing your cones and walking down the path in the park. He quickly pulled his wallet back out and opened it to reveal the picture, he smiled so lovingly as he looked at the picture and remembered that day. ”Yeah, it’s my favorite picture of us.” ”Oh yeah, why’s that?” ”It’s the day I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you,” he softly said, looking over to you. You stopped at his confession, looking up at him and smiling, ”I love you so much, Jae,” you begin as you lean up and kiss him, ”You’re a damn cheesy,” you finish before slightly smearing your cone on his nose. He gasps and begins laughing, ”Oh, you’re so done for!”

 Young K

What a gentleman

He randomly surprises you with flowers at work

He opens your car door for you

Actually, he opens every door for you

Even when you said he didn’t have to

But he just loves to do simple gestures like that

He always makes sure you’re taken care of

Especially when you’re sick

”Baby, I don’t want you to get sick!”

”I don't care, you need to be cared for! Now eat your soup and take your medicine.”

He’s very protective of you

But not in a toxic possessive way

You’re just his baby, you know?

He wants to make sure you don’t get hurt

Another one who’s very playful

Although, not so much in bed

He’s dominant and never lets you top

But jesus, is he so fucking great

He’ll have you crying in pleasure within 2 minutes

And that’s just when he uses his fingers

Don’t be a brat to this man cause oh boy

You’ll get punished with spankings, overstimulation, and orgasm denial

He won’t stop until you’re begging

But if you aren’t a brat

Look forward to praising and getting rewarded with what you want

 Brian had taken you out on a picnic in an area that was very secluded and breathtaking, you laid in his arms, both overlooking the shallow river in front of you. Brian played with your hair as he hummed ’Fly Me to The Moon’ by Frank Sinatra, it was a scene out of a romance movie.  ”The water looks so refreshing,” you stated, glancing up at him. He smiles then gets up and pulls you up with him ”Let’s go see how ’refreshing it is.” You giggle and run to the river with him, the cool water came up to your knees and you smirked at Brian and splashed him, he gives you a shocked look and returns the smirk ”Oh, you're gonna get it.” You both have a splash battle, your laughs erupting into the area around you. It ends with you jumping into his arms, he deeply kisses you then walks back to the picnic blanket and you both lay down with him on top of you. One thing leads to another and you’re both making love as the sunsets and twilight appears, a million stars shining on you both.

Wonpil

Absolutely soft for you

Loves kissing you so much

And just touching you

You have movie nights together 

He can be such a romantic cliche 

But you love it 

He randomly surprises you with flowers 

”I saw them, and I thought of you!”

He has big heart eyes for you

You could be doing a mundane task and he's just leaning on the wall watching you with a smile

Sometimes when you bend over while he's watching

His heart eyes turn to lust 

And depending on whether he's in his dom or sub headspace

He either pushes you over the nearest surface and then fucks you until you're screaming

Or comes up behind you and whines for you to touch him while pressing his bulge against you

If he's in his dom headspace and you want your way

Start softly begging for him and then take his fingers and suck on them

He will give you exactly what you want 

His sub headspace is so sfusud

If you're sitting down, he will get on his knees

Place kisses up your legs and tell you how much he needs you

 You woke up and immediately called the dream you were having; it was a wet dream. The heat between your thighs was unbearable, you look over and see the Wonpil was still asleep, you sighed and decided to not wake him up, assuming he was exhausted after the previous night you had together. You slip your hand under your panties and begin rubbing your clit, your other hand covers your mouth to muffle the sounds trying to escape you. Just as you're about to push two fingers in, Wonpil’s voice fills the room ”What are you doing, Angel?” You halt your movements and widen your eyes, you begin to stutter while trying to find the words, his smirk is devilish as he hovers over you. ”I-I wasn't doing anything- I was j-” ”Don’t act so innocent, you had me pinned underneath you just last night,” He purrs into your ear, you crumble and start roaming your hands his body. ”Baby, I need you so much. Please touch me.” He leans down and places a kiss on your lips before replacing your hand in your panties with his own. 

 Dowoon

Another soft boy

He worships the ground you walk on

Makes sure you know how much he loves you everday

Ngl he is a little awkward at first in your relationship

But when he gets comfortable it’s amazing

You both have so much fun together

He tries to teach you how to play the drums

So patient with you and makes sure you don’t feel bad if you mess up

“Oops, not that one, Baby, you’re gonna hit the crash symbal not the hi-hat symbal. That’s okay though, I did that too when I was first learning! It took me forever to learn this part in this song.”

He’s always holding your hand

Anytime you ask him to help you with something he feels so happy

He loves it when you need him

And he loves it when you need him

When you need him, he feels so powerful and dominant

He’s definitely not a Hard Dom, he is sooo soft

He loves teasing you though

But when he is his usual submissive self

He is so pretty when he begs for you to fuck him

You caught him masturbating once and nearly fell apart when you heard him moaning your name

And you practically caved in when he looked up at you and pleaded for you to touch him

It was 2 A.M when you woke up to a call from Dowoon, he was on tour in a different country and even though it was only one more week until he was home, he was missing you a great deal. You groggily answer the phone, ”Hello?” ”Oh no, did I wake you up?” he asked, sounding a bit upset. You crack a small smile and reassuring him it's okay, besides you didn't have anything to do the next day, why not stay up all night talking to Dowoon? You both talk about each other's day, what was new and how his tour was going. There a small pause in the conversation before Dowoon speaks ”God...The things I would do just to see your face right now.” ”I know, Baby, I miss you so much right now.” ”One more week and then I'm cuddling you until the world ends.” You chuckle at his words, the both of you continue to talk until you end up falling asleep on the phone with him. Before Dowoon hung up, he said ”I love you so much, Baby, I'll see you when I get home.

[jakeyuni]

AND U LIKE PET NAMES? 👀👀 thinking about one to give you rn 😇 i'm going to sleep now so i just wanted to tell you (again) that you're the best person i met and i really really really love you, you're EVERYTHING omg i don't even know when i started to love so much muaaaaak i will tell you how much i love every single day if it's necessary ❤️❤️

YES!! A LOt. LOVE THEM. I MELT EVERYTIME IM CALLED ANY OF THEM LMFAO.

BUT GOODNIGHT ABI SWEET DREAMS LOVELY 🫂

i am so grateful for you. omg you are the literal light of my life like - pulling an edward cullen rn - ‘you’re like my own personal brand of heroin😍’ LIKE ACTUALLY I LOVE YOU SM U MAKE ME MELT EVERDAY MWAH i so not know what i would without you in my life ugh <3

[smokahuntis]

Balance

Chapter one: The Almor Forest

Warnings: Violence, angry Kylo.

Summery: Avara, a girl adopted by Luke Skywalker at a young age runs away from the Jedi temple just in time for it to crumble. Thinking her family and best friend died inside she ran away and created a life for herself. 10 years later she finally connects to someone from her past in meditation.

Authors note: I’m really hoping to make this a series! I really like the idea and my OC, and I hope people are interested! Bringing this character to here wouldn’t have been possible without my friend @patersonshoney as well so please followed her

I was a jedi, once upon a time. It's been a long time since those days. My name is Avara Skywalker, and I am a grey jedi.

It’s been 10 years since that day, the day the temple fell and was destroyed. She was 17 when it happened, but she remembered it like it was yesterday. Avara wasn’t in the carnage, rather she was in the sky. Deciding to leave the jedi temple that night, to find her true way with the force. Leaving behind her saber and her best friend, her family. She never felt like she belonged there, she was never trained the same or connected to the other jedi the way Ben did. She was different, she always knew that. So, she had to leave.  

That night still haunted her, as she took flight in the stolen x-wing, only to watch her former home completely crumble under her, her family and best friend inside. Call it luck that she decided to leave when she did, but she regretted it with every fiber in her being. Blaming herself for not saving Ben, or Luke. She searched for their force signature’s for too long, and still found nothing, they were gone, at least to her knowledge.  

Now she was a nomad, in the mountains of Kivoro, guarding a small fishing village. She originally came here for rest, but ended up finding herself dealing with their raider problems and protecting them. It wasn’t long after she got there that she found kyber in the mountains, forging a new saber for herself she felt more at home than anywhere she’d ever been.  

“Avara?” a voice called into the hut as footsteps followed. Elaria was the girl who watched over Avara, making sure she ate and was healthy. Elaria stopped in her tracks seeing Avara meditating on the back porch. She was always so entranced when she saw Ava in her element, she loved watching her.  

Avara knew she was there; she knew she was coming before she even left her house. “Elaria...” she smiled a little and put her feet on the ground. Turning to the small girl she hummed at the basket in her hand. “I’m out of food already?” she asked taking the hood of her cloak off.

“you should be, but I see you still haven’t eaten your craw fruit.” she said setting the basket down and starting to unpack food for her.

“to call that fruit is embarrassing.” Ava said with a soft chuckle as she helped her unpack the food.  

“the elder believe it makes you live longer.” Elaria said softly.  

“they must want me to live forever” she said pulling out more Craw fruit from the basket. Rolling the wrinkly blue fruit in her hand before she put it with the others.  

“they like you” Elaria smiled “they don’t like many outsider’s, well I mean you’ve lived here for like... ten years now, I suppose you aren’t an outsider anymore.” she chuckled.

“no, but you can definitely tell I'm not from here” Ava said looking at her softly. It wasn’t hard to tell she wasn’t from here. Everyone here was tanned, or darker, their hair curly or in braids. She respected them, and they respected her. Kivoro was a peaceful village, they didn’t fight back when the raiders came, they just gave them what they wanted. So when Avara showed up 10 years ago, Elaria was quick to ask for help. Ava didn’t hesitate, she’s defended them for so long the elder’s accepted her as their own.  

“that’s because you don’t tan” Elaria teased her and pinched her sides.

“that's because some of us can’t” ava pushed her hands away with a smile and finished putting the food away. Elaria smiled at her softly before thunder rolled outside. Avara looked outside at the clouds and then back at her. “you should head home, it’s a long way off the mountain”  

“you're not going out there are you? Into the storm?” Elaria asked as she grabbed her coat and watched her intently. Avara looked back at her and nodded.  

“It’s the best time to connect to the force” she smiled softly and grabbed her old wooden staff, decorated at the end with feathers and seeds of craw fruit in a small pouch to protect her. She got the staff a few years ago after hurting her leg, it was a gift to help her move around better and feel safer. Since then, Avara has adapted it into Everday travel.  

“be careful...” Elaria said before hugging her quickly and heading out to get home before the rain fell.  

Soon Avara made her own way into the forest, her saber and staff on her side. Careful with her footing, especially around the large rooted trees of the Almor forest. She found her way out her often, to meditate, catch peace of mind. The forest alone felt like pure balance. It wasn’t good or bad, dark or light. It was balanced and it was perfect peace. She projected herself into the forest in her sleep even. When her dreams became nightmares, she knew she could escape to the Almor.  

Avara put up her grey hood as she sat under a large true, taking in deep breathes as the rain finally started to trickle down into the forest around her. It was the calm she needed. The jedi closed her eyes and started to drift into the force.  

A pure calm embraced her in its warmth as she drifted deeper and deeper into the balance, she had created for herself. However, it didn’t last long, all too quickly she was connected to something, someone, all too familiar. She's never felt something so dark and light at the same time, no balance between, just a war.  

It started to become more clear where she was, and soon she opened her eyes to a black and white training room. Only one other in the room with her as he fought a droid. There he was, the familiarity she felt so warmly embrace her, the person she believed to be dead.  

“ben?” she questioned, bringing the man from his training, causing him to turn to her quickly. The saber in his hand raging with the broken crystal inside it as he looked at her. His hair a mess over his face as he growled.

“who are you?” he asked deeply, confusing her even more. All these years she believed that Ben solo had died, and now he stands in front of her, and doesn’t know who she is?  

“Ben, its me...” she said stepping forward towards heim, his saber only raged on as he pointed it at her.  

“i don’t know you!” he yelled and watched her every movement.

“Ben-” she started but he stopped her all to quickly.

“Ben is dead!” he yelled, she could feel the imbalance haunting his head, she felt ben, she saw ben, but this man was not ben. She took him in quickly and pulled her saber from her waist and held the silver hilt close to her.  

“don’t make me do this... put the saber down ben-” she said calmly but he wasn’t having any of it as he finally made a swing to her.  

“I am not ben!” he yelled as his saber swung to cut her down from where she stood. She was quick to react, lighting her saber so his red met the pure white of her blade.  

As their blades met, unstable red against the pure balance of white, the world around them changed as they now stood In the Almor forest. Lighting up the area around them with the light of their weapons. She pushed him back quickly and moved back. Nothing was stopping him as he tried to hit her side, she was faster them him, jumping over the red fury as he swung low. She tumbled and rolled on the earthy ground, looking up at him

“you know me ben! Please! Try to remember" she yelled before she had to meet his saber again with her own. That’s when she saw it in his eyes, the fear, the anger. The war.  

“Ben solo is dead” he sneered looking down at her. She watched his eyes before she pushed him back again and their battle finally started. Their sabers clashed over and over, but they never left a mark on each other. She trained with him all those years ago, she knew his moves, she just had to react faster now that he fought with anger, he swung carelessly.  

She decided then to play along with his new persona. “if ben solo is dead, then who are you?” she asked as she held her saber in front of her face, deflecting his attacks.

“Kylo ren” he growled and tried to his her with his hilt, but she goes down quickly and moved between his legs.

“well, Kylo ren, you need training” she growled back as she swung, cutting his chest and pushing him back as they fell into the training room again. He ground and hit his wound to try and relive pain so he could continue to fight, but she pushed him down again and looked at him. She remembered his face so clearly; he was just grown up now. “I'll save you, ben” she said before she cut off their connection and she was back in the forest.  

Taking in deep breathes as she processed what just happened between them, her best friend was alive, and he was hurting. She had to save him, whatever it takes. But right now, all she could do was think about everything she’s done in memory of ben, every time she spoke to herself wishing he was there. Every time she cried herself to sleep thinking she lost her soulmate. It made her hands shake, her legs feel weak, she felt just as lost as he was, as she fell to the ground and let out a heart wrenching sob, holding her necklace she constantly wore, the necklace he gave her all those years ago.  

Elaria didn’t find Avara till the next day, covered in fallen leaves before she had her brother pick her up and take her back home. “I'll take care of the rest” Elaria said and made her brother wait outside before she searched Avara for wounds, tending a burn mark on her arm and redressing her. “what have you gotten yourself into ava...” she whispered and left a warm cloth on her forehead before she started making a warm soup for her.  

Avara woke up slowly and looked over at Elaria and sighed softly as she relaxed. Leaning her head back and closing her eyes again as she pictured last night over again. “You’re awake…” Elaria said softly. Avara nodded softly and opened her eyes to look at her.

“I’m awake…” she whispered and sat up slowly. Elaria poured soup into the bowel and walked over it.  

“Slow down- don’t push yourself” she said as she helped her sit up and moved her bed tray over so she could eat. “What happened to you?” she asked as se removed the cloth from the girl's head. Placing it down in the bowl of warm water next them she pat her forehead dry as she began to explain.

“I saw him last night” Avara said plainly as they began to eat slowly. “Ben.. I saw Ben” she said after a small pause, looking at Elaria as she watched her soup in front of her. She’d told Eli of Ben many times. Stories from growing up or soft memories of how sweet he was. How much she missed him. Eli knew, Eli knew a lot.  

“what do you mean you saw him?” she asked softly not wanting to push it.  

“I was meditating, and then it was like I was there, in the same room as him.” Avara said calmly as she took another spoon full of her soup. Her hands where a little shaky but she was careful not to get too much so she didn’t spill anyone on the clean linen below her. “but he didn’t seem like the ben I remembered, he was all grown up, and he was... dark, its like all the light inside him was stripped out and replace.” she said looking at her curly haired friend.  

“is that how you got that burn?” she asked as she pointed her wrapped arm. Avara nodded and sighed, she hadn’t even noticed it last night when she was fighting with Kylo. She was to distracted mentally and physically. Too tired after to even register what had happened.  

“ I suppose yea” she sighed and looked at it before looking back at Eli.  

“you need to be more careful” Eli scolded her and shook her head. Taking the spoon from Avara’s hand and feeding her, herself so ava didn’t make a mess.

“you think I didn’t think about that?” she said looking at her before taking a big spoonful of hot soup in her mouth and groaning at the heat, before swallowing it down. “I didn’t meet him on purpose... I thought he was dead.” she sighed.

“Well, what do you plan to do?” Eli asked looking at her friend.  

“i don’t think I should stay here; in case he decides to track down the girl he connected to.” Avara said stretching her arms and pushing herself from the bed so she could move her legs.  

“you want to leave?” Eli asked helping her up and making sure she didn’t fall. She always took such good care of her, even when she didn't need it Eli was there to help.  

“It’s for your safety, he’s unstable, its hard to tell what he would do if is stayed.” Avara said looking off her creaky porch at the cave that help her old X-Wing. The one she stole all those years ago. “plus, I can still feel ben, if I can save him I want to try” she looked back at her.

“does your ship even run?” Elaria asked watching her.

“We’ll see...”

Tag list: @jediminddicks1000 @petalsrdead @everythinggeeky @patersonshoney @a-dorin @onabouteverything @blxwjobsforclones

[suekre]

So ive followed you a VERY long time (like from the deviantart days lmao) and i only just realised that you were talking about ocd in that post. Just wanted to let you know that i have ocd as well and god it is exhausting and i know exactly how you feel! I finally start therapy for it in 2 weeks. Pls know that i love your art and you very much and appreciate everything you create and share with us. All the best!! X

Hey you, I know you! Thank you for coming to my inbox and sharing this with me, I appreciate that so much. :) I am SUPER happy for you that you are about to get the help you need, that is awesome. I wish I could have had it at the time!

(And oh boy, the good old deviantart days, haha! Always happy to have my longtime followers around! :D)

OCD is exhausting indeed. People who aren’t affected can’t imagine what a nightmare it is. I, personally, am more prone to intrusive thoughts than actual obsessive-compulsive behavior. When people hear „OCD“, they usually think of obsessive hand washing or „leaving out every black tile while walking through a kitchen“ or so, while it can manifest in other ways. I didn’t know back then. I just thought I was going completely crazy at the time. I think I mentioned my disorder at times but I never actually openly talked about my own experiences (where I come from, mental disorders are a big NO NO, because it’s all in your head, just pull yourself together, other people are ACTUALLY suffering, it’s just dumb thoughts, you just need to think positive, y’know).

I kinda feel like doing it now. Just to get it out, and also to occupy my brain and hands and hey, maybe someone else can pick this up and find themselves in my own experiences. I sure know how relieved I was when I found out I wasn’t alone with my what I thought was a ‚Very Weird, Unique and Niche Problem‘.  

I gotta admit first - I’m doing much better nowadays. Even my worst days, as horrible as they may feel at the time, do in no way compare to the hell I went through in the second half of 2015. I have come a long way since my last (and so far worst... omg, oof, I hope there won’t be another) episode of intrusive thoughts. But, oh boy, was it intense.  It was the absolute worst time of my life, ever. I’m not writing this to scare anyone. Anyone who is familiar with this, will know how bad it is and anyone who can’t relate at all won’t feel affected anyway and will maybe even think something along the lines of „What the fuck?!“. I get it. It DOES sound crazy.

I have always been an overthinker. I always needed more validation and reassurance than other people around me and for the longest time I had no idea why that was. It was usually subtle - always kinda there but never strong enough to actually affect my life in a negative way. I just felt off at times, and not always super good. But I was generally ok, I could always manage.

Until that one episode that changed my life forever. I know that sounds dramatic but, even though I am in a good place nowadays, it sure DID change my life. I was 31, I lived together with my then-boyfriend and I still remember the exact date. Friday, July 24th, 2015. I remember the exact moment when my entire mind collapsed. It’s so weird, it literally happened from one second to the other. I am not making this up to sound more dramatic, it was a matter of seconds.

I was on my way home after work and I felt… restless and stressed. It felt good to get off work (it was my first full time job and... it didn’t go well, to put it nicely) but I was no longer really looking forward to my week off, and our trip to our favorite Open Air the following week. I picked up some dinner on my way, I came home, and I saw my boyfriend in the middle of the living room, he was making some preparations for our upcoming trip. When I saw him, tall and handsome and smiling at me, I smiled back but inside I felt like crying. My smile was fake. Kissing him felt weird, and also fake. And all of a sudden, there it was. The life changing thought:

���I don’t love him anymore.“

A simple thought. I had weird thoughts before, like anyone does, but they never had any greater impact on me. This time, though, that one thought knocked me off my feet. Not literally, I had turned into a pillar of salt somehow. This was the Perfect Man Of My Dreams (at least that was what I thought back then). The man I wanted to spend my life with, the man who made me happy every day! How could that even be, how could I even think something like that?

I felt even more restless. I didn’t tell him, of course. When he asked how my day was, I put on my fake smile again and said it was okay. We ate our dinner (although I had instantly lost any appetite), and I kept looking at him and the thoughts... just kept coming back.

You don’t love him anymore. What if you don’t love him anymore?

On repeat. It was awful. I just couldn’t shake them off.

It’s the stress, I tried to tell myself. You’re overworked. It’ll be good, you just need some rest.

But I couldn’t relax. My heart was racing, my blood was pumping. I didn’t know what was going on. I begged him to leave his work undone and take me out for an after work drink and he agreed. All the time, the thoughts wouldn’t leave my mind. I didn’t want to think them, but they were merciless, they just kept coming back. I felt so helpless.

A few drinks later, I had calmed down a bit, at least so much that I could stand to look at my BFs face again without feeling guilty. There you go, I said to myself, not quite convinced, you’ll be good. It’s already wearing off. When we crawled into bed later, I was tired and relaxed (and tipsy) enough to sleep and convinced that this was just a little glitch, that things would be just fine in the morning.

When I woke up, I felt exhausted. My heart was racing... and the thoughts came back IMMEDIATELY.

You don’t love him anymore. You gotta leave him.

What. The. HELL!? Why are these thoughts still a thing? Why are they still there? Why do they keep coming back?

I kept trying to push them away but the more I tried, the more intense they became. As if they tried to spite me. I started losing focus on everything else around me, the world slowly started to blur. It was just Me And My Thoughts from here. I tried my best to hide my state, and I think I managed for a while, but I felt like a robot any time I talked to someone. When people would pick up on my confusion, I usually brushed their concerns off. It’s nothing, I’m good.

I mean... how do you even tell someone that you just. can’t. stop. thinking. about whether you still love your boyfriend or not? According to the world, that is something you “just feel and know” after all. Except that I didn’t. I had no clue. I couldn’t feel anything. But, according to the world, that was perfectly normal, too. “Honeymoon phase is over at some point, babe. That’s everyday life, you grow comfy, it’s no longer a flash of feelings every day, you know that. You guys have been together for a while after all, what did you expect?!” ... what I felt didn’t feel like comfy everyday life either, though. Comfy everday life shouldn’t come with high key anxiety, sleepless nights and a loss of appetite at any lived second. If that was comfy everyday life, I sure didn’t want it.

So, what do you do when you have no clue about something? Right! Google! Go and ask the world! “How do you know that you still love your partner?”, “Is the love gone?” ... I spent hours, DAYS doing that, but no answer I found was remotely statisfying (or maybe it was for a minute, but the reassurance never lasted long) and I felt that those articles didn’t actually understand what I was asking in first place. I would spend every day like that. Permanently asking myself the same questions, analyzing myself, testing if the Big Feels for the man had decided to come back... nah, not really. Maybe NOW? If I just look at him close enough?! ... maybe if I squint a little?! Fuck, still nothing! Niente! Nada! I am a horrible person, aaah!

(Our open air trip was an emotional disaster by the way, I felt horrible all the time, and the permanent rain didn’t help. -3/10, do not recommend).

If I had known at the time that I wouldn’t spend just a few days but (more or less) six months with this shit... oof. I was already exhausted after those few days.

Over the course of the next weeks I stopped eating almost entirely. I just couldn’t. This permanent tight anxiety knot in my stomach made me want to throw up at the mere thought of food. At my worst point I weighed 138 lbs (63 kg), at 6 ft 1 (1,85 m). I often joked about how I had almost reached runway model standard. I was sick, I was weak, I was scared, but I just couldn’t eat and the bits I DID force myself to eat were burned almost right away by my crippling anxiety. (I still have clothes from that time, and I sometimes beat myself up for no longer fitting into them before I remember that I should NEVER fit into them EVER again.)

Instead I smoked a pack a day. I hardly got any sleep and when I did, it wasn’t relaxing. Always in Fight and Flight mode. My body was at alert level any minute, any day. I’m still asking myself how it could be that I never actually... collapsed. I was always tired, exhausted and malnourished... I dunno, you tell me.

The thoughts never really disappeared. They kept coming back in all variations. You don’t love him anymore. You have to leave him. You may not want to, but you have to. You don’t love him. I had very few “good moments” in between but in those good moments, my mind was usually frantically looking for explanations and reasons behind all this. For ways to improve my relationship, to feel better about my boyfriend. I came up with the WEIRDEST shit. Almost every day I found something new that bothered me. One day he was a little boring. That’s it! We gotta go out more, do more stuff, that’ll change everything. ... aaah, no. Guess not. The next day, it was something else. The day after THAT, it was something entirely different again.

I was suddenly prone to making some HELLA weird impulsive decisions, too. „I gotta break off contact to that one person RIGHT now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!“, “I gotta talk to my mom about THAT particular incident in my childhood right now, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”, “I gotta make a trip to the mall JUST NOW, THEN I WILL FEEL BETTER!”… the decisions made total sense to me the second I made them, for about ten minutes at most, but the initial rush of relief started to fade again quickly and I frantically started looking for new solutions. Google was my best friend. I couldn’t go a day without googling exessively. Overthinking, pacing, googling. Any day, any hour awake. Over weeks. A few months even. My mind was constantly reeling. It was a bottomless pit.  

I cannot put into words how exhausting that was. Sometimes the idea of throwing myself out of the next window seemed SO tempting, not because I wanted to die, but because I wanted the thoughts to stop tormenting me.

(I was out of regular therapy at the time, btw. I thought about calling my therapist about it but never did it. I felt isolated, I literally thought I had to do this all by myself.)

At some point, a few months into it, I somehow transferred to zombie mode. The thoughts became a little less intense over time. They were never gone but not quite as nagging anymore. But any time I wasn’t in alert mode, I felt just hollow instead. Sucked dry of any joy, of any emotion, of any sign of life. I just... functioned. Still tried to hide it. I dunno how well I did with that. Probably not at all well. I kept it all to myself, just because it felt that ridiculous. Tried to find excuses. “I’m just tired.”, “You know, there’s a lot going on in my head right now, but I’ll be good.” ... truth is that I don’t remember a whole lot of that time, it’s all blurry. There are just a few significant moments.

Such as that one evening, after work, when I left the building, made a few steps and stood five (or ten? fifteen??? who knows?! not me.) minutes on the spot, motionless, because I could no longer remember my way home.

I got fired from that job, by the way. I’m sure it was mostly due to low performance, I get it, but I can’t blame my poor state alone - they were also assholes.

Anyway.

I had, of course, never stopped the googling and one day, after hours of browsing any niche I hoped I hadn’t browsed yet, I somehow found a blog written by a young woman like me. The description tackled almost all of my thought patterns and I was blown. away. She asked herself the very same questions, with the very same twists, and... she even had a name for it.

ROCD. Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

I cried for what felt like hours. Out of relief. There was a person in this world who knew exactly what I was going through. And she even had tips how to overcome it. It wasn’t the first time I had heard about OCD, but as it had never affected me in any way before (I, too, associated it with compulsive hand washing and tile jumping), I wouldn’t have thought of it. After doing my own intense research on the subject, a huge part of me and my life finally started making sense to me. Not much was known about ROCD at the time, but it kinda didn’t matter anyway. What mattered was the OCD part. The subject of the thoughts is entirely interchangable. It’s the chain of thoughts itself that has to be broken. Don’t focus on the relationship. Break the chain instead.

The internet also recommended exposure therapy but as therapy wasn’t an option at the time (weird German laws... regular health insurance covers only a limited amount of therapy lessons within a certain span of time and I had used mine up and there was no way I could pay myself), I decided to try it myself, the key points being:

* No more googling, no more reassurance. Learn to live with the uncertainty, learn to live with Not Knowing.

* Let the thoughts happen. Watch them pass by. They’re just thoughts, they can’t harm you. Don’t fight them, just recognize them and let them stay, they’ll get less scary over time.

* Focus on other things, as hard as it is. Try to occupy your mind and your body. Any minute you spend doing something else but brooding is a win.

It all sounded so very abstract at the time, but I was determined to give it a try. Oh gosh, was it hard. After months of emotional torment and getting used to unhealthy ways of coping, it was SO DAMN FUCKING HARD to NOT google. To NOT think. It felt like torment all over again. How was I supposed to just let the thought sit with me!? It was scary, I didn’t want it! Just ONE little peek, only a second, come ON! I won’t do it again after that?!

Oh god, it was the worst, it really was. Trying to break the chain while I was so desperate to save my relationship was terrible. I honestly don’t remember HOW I made it... but I made it. I somehow... clawed and bit my way out of it. I went right through the pain and made it. It’s not actually a linear process but there comes this point (and I know a few people I met on online platforms who would back me up on this) when you know the worst is over. You just know it. Things weren’t exactly good by the time the thoughts were history but I had reign over my own head again, I could actually SEE the world again, and that was worth everything plus my body weight in gold.

I’ll stop right here because the following months weren’t about my OCD anymore, but about figuring out needs, figuring out myself and what I wanted from life and this particular relationship and it’s not quite relevant and another story. (I DID love my ex-BF but it turned out he wasn’t at all good for me, I had ignored all the red flags for too long, and it didn’t take long after this for us to go separate ways)

I hated this particular time in my life while it lasted but I have learned and taken so much from it. It has changed my life in so many ways. I learned that things are never set in stone, not for anyone. That there will always be uncertain times on our ways. That change is always scary. That it’s okay to be scared. That staying in crappy situations for the sake of it isn’t always the right thing to do. Sometimes, doing the right thing (aka leaving a relationship that isn’t good for you) can make you sad. Love does not equal compatibility.

Looking back, I am - in a very bizarre and twisted way - grateful for the experience. It was an incredibly important lesson for me that taught me to be kinder to myself, to look out for myself and to listen to my own needs. That I should put myself first at times. For the first time of my life, I really got in touch with myself and my own emotions. I learned to understand them, I learned where they come from. I learned to cut myself slack at times.

The list goes on and on, but you get my drift. I know myself inside and out at this point. That wasn’t always the case. Not until 2016.

It still comes back at times. Not with such full force, but it keeps creeping back in, pretty much any time I have to deal with uncertainty in my life. Bad news at work, not hearing from a friend for a while that I’m dying to hear from (inevitably thinking that they MUST be mad at me) or when I spot a few symptoms of sickness that I’m not familiar with (I practically never get sick). Not Knowing What Will Happen drives me CRAZY. I hate uncertainty, I need my life to be stable and calm to fully function.

Now, in COVID times, it’s mostly the fear of suffering from an incurable disease. AGAIN. I’m familiar with that, too. I’m not even scared of catching the virus, I just fell right back into overthinking any symptom I have, even if it’s just a short pain in the neck or whatever (you know, things that one usually brushes off). When my life was busier, I was MUCH better at handling those thoughts. Most of the time, they didn’t even come up in first place. Sitting inside and avoiding contact 99,9% of all times, and having little to no actual distraction („reading/watching movies“ doesn’t help me personally, it does’t occupy my mind enough, I usually just stare right through the pages/screen), however, leaves FAR too much time for the thoughts to unfold, once they come up.

This subtle but lingering concern for my health puts my body into a permanent state of anxiety once more. Fight and Flight mode. The pace of my heartbeat is always slightly, but perpetually, increased. It isn’t always outright panic attacks, it’s this constant state of having to be… alert. Something MIGHT happen, y’know. Be prepared. Relaxing and doing nice things becomes almost impossible. Instead, I get tired and exhausted. Depressed, even. It sucks the joy right out of me. I feel like living under a glass dome. I see what’s happening around me but I am unable to connect, emotionally. People keep living their lives and I can watch them, but I can’t be a part of it. It’s a deeply crushing feeling. I manage to somehow function but I don’t really feel alive. My abandonment issues and fear of „getting left behind“ kicked in again, too. I want to catch up and take part but can’t so I stress myself over THAT, too. This only adds to the exhaustion and makes me feel even more isolated.  

Hello, vicious circle, my old friend.

I didn’t even realize that I had such huge potential to fall right back into it. It all started… I dunno, by mid/end of January?? It’s a bit blurry this time. It is directly connected to Germany’s recent lockdown, though. A massive case of Not Knowing How Things Will Turn Out. I failed to take better care of myself in the past few weeks. And now I’m here. AGAIN. Ugh.

But well, as I said, it’s not as bad and, as I said, I have at least learned some important things over the years. In this particular case of intrusive thoughts, the first rule is: NEVER GOOGLE SYMPTOMS. And never google shit like „chances to survive (whatever illness think you have at the time)“, either. The mind longs for reassurance but googling symptoms is BAD, as we all know by now. It’s not even reassuring when you do it. Because you’ll inevitably end up diving through the vast internet for HOURS, picking up an entry that some person named Kevin made on a cancer forum way back in 2004, saying that his uncle died the next day after finding out he has cancer and that is, OF COURSE, what will happen to YOU, too. There is no other way. YOU WILL DIE.

Excuse the text walls. I took an opportunity to ramble about my own experience, for the first time ever since it happened (not including the few short talks I had with the few people I met on internet forums).

To anyone who made it this far: Thank you so much for reading. It sure felt good to write this down for once, even if it’s just a short summary (yes, really, I mean, we’re talking six-ish months here), and the descriptions fall woefully short. If anyone affected by the same happens to read this -  I am so, SO sorry you are suffering so much. You are NOT alone and you are NOT weird. Talk to someone. Open up. To your doctor, or you therapist, if you have one. To a person you trust. It is the worst but there are ways, there is help. I wish I had known at the time it started for me.

You know now. :)

P.S.: DON’T FUCKING GOOGLE:

[obeymematches]

Hi! Can I request for a matchup please? 💕

Appearance: 5’1, chubby girl with long dark brown hair and dark brown eyes with glasses

Personality: ISFP, Aries, 2w1 (enneagram), people describe me as a kind, honest and smart person. I’m also chill, sensitive, a lil’ outgoing, responsible and I also consider myself as a mom friend though I can be chaotic when I want to be. I’m pretty shy and aloof to people I don’t know, but once I get to know you, you’ll be seeing a very chatty girl that doesn’t mind saying what’s on her mind. I also tend to hide how I really feel so that I don’t worry other (I’m trying my best to be more open). Even though I’m a little outgoing, I still need my alone time and privacy.

Interests: I really have a interest for the arts, I just love seeing it since it inspires me when it comes drawing and make me want to become an interior designer when I grow up. I also have an interest for Astrology and MBTI since it helps me find out more about myself.

Hobbies: I love drawing, playing video games, listening to music and I currently want to try to learn a new language. I also have a dream journal where I write down my dreams as well as it also helps me practice my writing skills and handwriting. I also love exploring and discovering new things everday.

What I desire from a person: Someone who can help me speak up for myself since I got bullied in the past, someone who I can just enjoy with in silence whether it be relaxing and doing nothing or doing a fun activity, someone who loves cuddles and affection, someone who won’t judge me since I’m insecure about my appearance, someone who isn’t strict, and someone who is loyal (I have a fear of being abandoned and unwanted)

What do I give: I give kindness, honesty, hugs, love, affection, loyalty, space if they want to be alone and a shoulder to cry on.

And this is optional my favorites are Belphie and Satan. Thank you! 💕

----------

Hello love!! 💕

Thank you for sending in a request!! 

oh it’s nice that you mention that you like Satan a lot because he was the one who came to my mind first! (then I was thinking a bit about Simeon) 

So i decided to match you with Satan! 

Here is why: 

Okay so Satan values personality much more than appearance so he would definitely help you come to terms with your insecurities. Like why care so much about your looks when you fall in love with personality. beauty is fleeting anyway. 

Also he is the avatar of wrath, if you want vengeance he is your man

I think out of the bunch he is the most focused on personality and spiritualism, self, etc., his reasons for that are his circumstances of birth. That is something he is rather insecure about, so having someone who can understand him and guide him a bit is appreciated! (you also mention that you are smart and honest so thats why)

I think you being a responsible mom friend is something he would like a lot, I mean he can be rather messy at times! Sure you don’t have to worry about him being responsible, but sometimes he can be a bit stuck in his own world, you know? The fact that you are chaotic sometimes isn’t bad at all, I mean he gets along really well with Asmo and sometimes we forget how chaotic he is. So your chaotic tendencies go well with Satan! 

In addition to all this, Satan is the best when it comes to reading people so he would quickly understand that your aloof facade is not your only side. He would be very curious to get to know your more chatty side, and as I said that would balance out the relationship well! He gossips a lot with Asmo, so you’d be able to join their conversations! 

Again, he is good at reading you after you spend a bit of time with him, so your hidden feelings wouldn’t go unnoticed. I think he is a very good candidate when it comes to open communication, so expect him to talk with you about your troubles. You can’t really avoid that from happening as he catches on early on the slightest changes in your behaviour. 

He is not too outgoing either and just like you he likes a partner who can do their independent thing while he does the same too. For example while he is reading or studying you write. 

Okay so I think he needs an interior designer in his life asap. Please find ways for him to keep his books because it’s a mess.

He is also an intellectual person so daates would include going to art galeries! bookshops! stargazing! He is proud of his knowledge on many things, so he would be able to tell you something new every day! 

I think he would encourge your writing a lot! 

He is not really known to be the most affectionate, but i’m sure he appreciates all the attention you give him! 

[ubimelibiapes]

Tagged! Quarantine Version

I got tagged by @akhuna​. Thank you little sweetheart!

1. Are you staying home from work/school? You could say that but since I’m currently working on my master thesis I don’t really have to attend university anymore. Still have my oral examination though and the colloquium which is going to be an online class this semester. Sucks a bit but I got this! The worst thing about this is that I can’t chill with my friends at our beautiful campus and drink some ice coffee at the lake <3

2. If you’re staying home, who’s there with you? I still live at home, so I got my parents by my side and can visit my boyfriend every day who lives 10 minutes away by car. I know that I am really privileged!

3. Do you have pets to keep you company? Not anymore sadly. My doggy Shila passed away three years ago and I miss her everday of my life. My cat Charlie passed away four years before she did.

4. Who do you miss the most? I can regularly see the most important people in my life right now so I guess I miss my friends the most. Some of them live far away and I wanted to visit them just when the Pandemic hit Germany. So unfortunately I have to wait a little longer to see them ... And i miss my brother who sadly can’t visit us right now. I go for a walk with him today!

5. When was the last time you left your home? Yesterday. Went on a walk with my beloved boyfriend <3

6. What was the last thing you bought? I normally never buy anything online but since I wont be able to see spain’s beautiful sun this year and therefore won’t be buying anything there I decided I could buy a skirt and trousers online with a clear conscience :)

7. Is quarantine driving you insane or are you finally relaxed? With all my work to do from home and all my beloved ones by my side ... like I already said i’m really privileged ... I feel ashamed when I say that I can handle it pretty well for I am a coach potatoe and a video gamer anyway. I miss doing Iaido, going to the gym and meeting my friends though! I miss a hot Coffee at a café ;) My sleep is pretty deep at the moment, although my dreams are really weird! Overall I’m pretty relaxed because i tend to be a very anxious person when I’m under stress.

8. Are you a homebody? I don’t really know ^^

9. What movies have you watched recently? I’m currently on a Marvel and Disney Marathon with my boyfriend <3 Last Marvel movie was Dr. Strange and the last Disney movie was Aristocats <3

10. An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled? The Street Food Market and the so called “Summer Nights” in my City ...

11. What’s the worst thing that you’ve had to cancel? The trip to my friends who live far away. I can talk to them via Discord only ...

12. What’s the best thing that you’ve had to cancel? I can’t think of something right now, I was looking forward to everything that was coming tbh ...

13. Do you have any new hobbies? Nope! I watch more Netflix right now and can finally catch up with my series.

14. What are you out of? Nothing really ^^

15. What music are you listening to? Currently I enjoy happy Pop Music very much like Ava Max, although i listen to almost everything except for Rap.

16. What shows are you watching? I have to catch up with American Horror Story and Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. With my boyfriend I’m watchig The Clone Wars

17. What are you reading? I'm a literature student so I have to read sooo sooo many things for my master that I don’t read much privately anymore. I started with Anne Rice’s “The Tale of the Body Thief” because I want to finish her Chronicles. And I am currently re-reading Sapkowskis Books <3

18. What are you doing for self-care? The same as ever. Video Games, Music and Netflix. But it is very important to go out everyday, take a shower and to drink lots of water!

19. Are you exercising? Sadly I just can’t motivate myself. I do Iaido sometimes in the garden and try to jog. I go for a walk or ride everday though

20. How’s your toilet paper supply? We were and are still totally fine^^

21. Have you made any changes to your hair during quarantine? I wash it a bit more often and use a special cream to make it at least look like it didn’t need a cut ^^ My hair is veeeeerry long

I tag everbody who wants to do this <3

[xpastelgrungeheartx]

I’ve been tagged by the lovely @therealredraven thank you! 

@kooboobshoob & @kim-mins3ok consider yourself tagged, honestly I need more mutuals 

Rules: Answer the questions and tag more ARMY friends to play along

———————

1. First BTS Song?

Serendipity came on shuffle while I was on spotify and I immediately fell in love with Jimins voice and needed to know more. Up until this point I was convinced that kpop consisted of overly cutesy girl groups (nothing wrong with that btw, just not my cup of tea) and cringey boy groups composed of way to many members to ever memorize, that only sang about very shallow things. 

2. First bias?

Jimin, the first video I ever saw was DNA and Jimin caught my eye immediately, at this point I didn’t even know that he was the one that sang Serendipity.

3. Current Bias?

Yoongi 💕

4. Put the members in order of your bias list

Yoongi - Jungkook - Jimin - honestly I can’t do the rest I love them all equally its just that I want these 3 to wife me up and the other 4 as besties, thanks lol

5. Favourite BTS Song?

If my life depended on choosing one song I’d probably say Spring Day.

6. Favourite BTS Song that is underrated?

Young Forever!!

7. Favourite Song of Wings?

Probably MAMA with a 𝕧𝕖𝕣𝕪 close second BS&T

8. Favourite Song of each LY Her, Tear and Answer?

• LY: Her: Outro: Her or Intro: Serendipity

• LY: Tear: The Truth Untold or Magic Shop

• LY: Answer: Euphoria or  Trivia 承: Love (I will never be over how genius and cute the lyrics are)

9. Favourite Music Video?

BS&T

10. Favourite Dancer?

Jimin

To me they all are equally as talented. Their dancing styles are so different and can’t be compared to one another in order to crown someone as the best dancer of bts. Each one of them has a certain area in which they are the best in the group though. For example Jimin = contemporary or Hobi = popping. But overall they are just great dancers and choosing “the best one” outh of the 4 just comes down to what dancing style you personally prefer. I personally just love how fluid, elegant and deadly Jimin is, all at the same time.

11. Favourite Vocalist?

Jimin

I totally think that there are plenty of singers that have a better technique than him, even in bts, but his voice just always stands out to me. It’s so unique and I just love it so much. 

12. Favourite Rapper?

Although Yoongi is my bias, I really can’t pick one. Their styles are once again so different and I love all of them. Truly one of the best rap lines in Kpop. It just really comes down to what mood I’m in at the moment.

13. Favourite hair colour on each member?

• Jin: black

or blonde, he looks real good in blonde can’t even lie

• Yoongi: so my first pick was very dark brown/black (I dream about this look ⬇️ everday, I don’t even know why I love this so much, it’s such a simple look)

then I thought of that bluish-black that doesn’t even look black in this gif from spring day and not today which was so good

then I thought of blonde/white Yoongi which was just 🔥

• Hobi: red, it just really suits his character 

• Namjoon: I honestly think Namjoon looks good in every colour there is. Not that the others don’t but I just think the others have one or two superior haircolours, he literally looks so good in all of them from mint to purple to grey to black. When I think of Namjoon though, this is what I think of, idk why.

• Jimin: blonde or grey I can’t choose

• Taehyung: GREY!

• Jungkook: very dark/blackish brown

14. Favourite Choreography?

A 100% Spring Day. Made me cry a couple of times. It’s crazy how they can convey such a strong emotion just by moving their bodies. Unfortunately can’t relate.

15. Favourite Ship?

I don’t ship romantically unless people confirm that they are dating. Friendship wise just ot7. As Jack Johnson once sang “It’s always better when we’re together”.

[konvenient-pop]

Okay, so, here comes an annoying post about me being annoyed

With the topic of Jenny and Kai

To start this off right, I want to begin with by saying this is not a hate post at all. In actuality I am an EXO-L, and particularly a huge fan of Kai/Nini despite this blog not representing that. I have a lot of respect for him as a person first and foremost, as well as in his career as an idol. Although my respect isn't reflected with Jennie personally, as I deliberately refused to hop on the Blackpink bandwagon for the sake of preserving an original opinion after a few years of watching over their comebacks to make the decision of draining my life energy for another group, I still have respect for her as an idol. No matter what I will have at least a basic respect for the people choosing to enter this career, since we all know what that means longterm. Or at least most of us who have made the mistake(?) of spiraling into the darker side of this industry.

But at the risk of sounding pretentious or scaring people for no reason, returning to my original point, I don't know jack shit about Jennie. Well, beside basic surface level information or personality overviews from Weekly Idol or what have you. Again, all surface level. For now I am fine with that, she seems cool and honestly like a genuinely straightforward person in terms of setting up her goals. Or at least that's the picture I've crafted in my head after having listened to her on old G-Draon's tracks, as she was probably offered the oppertunity and had enough sense/drive to take it. So, okay, cool. She's cool, Jongin is Jongin and as a couple they are whatever.

Whatever being cool, cool being something I can go 'Oh?' at with raised eyebrows and move on with my damn life. Or as I failed to name it, basically sonething of minimal interest. Now, let's pause. So, I have no problem with this couple, so why the hell am I even bothering with this post? Well, that's because it's goddamn annoying to see all the 'I came here for JenKai' or otherwise judgmental comments on YouTube. To vent, why the hell can't people just be indifferent to things they have no knowledge over? Like, sure, you know one of the two and can say 'Well he/she is such and such trait, but I don't know about him/her', but why badmouth? This is my problem. This is what annoys me.

As far as I'm concerned at this point there's no point in judging these couples anymore, because again for the nth fucking time we do not actually know these people we dedicate our lives to. Sure, you can claim otherwise since we get years of interviews and yeaes of reality shows and years of behind the scenes videos and what the fuck ever, but let's be serious here. We aren't their friends, we aren't their family. What we get is what they chose to show. Of course most idols tend be genuine in terms of trying to show their honest personality or giving factual information, but at the end of the day it's just a video. One video, one clip, one moment in time that does not dictate their entire personality, struggle, interests, or life. That's something I often see people in this fandom forgetting and honestly at this stage of stanning cancel my subscription if we can't be logical about relationship reveals.

That's not to say most fans haven't been. In fact so far I've seen quite the opposite with mostly support, which is cool and something that I'm not use to but thank the gods for it. But there are still some you know what's here and there. They're really not that bothersome in terms of overall big picture whatever, since they are just words on my computer or phone I can click off of and will likely drown in a sea of support. Still, I just want to vent and ramble and maybe point out something that we all already knew for the sake of a friendly(-ish?) reminder. And for that to happen, I too will attempt honesty.

Being real, my first reaction was mostly worry and (negitively concentrated) confusion. Worry for fan reaction over actual puppy Nini. Confusion because how the hell did that happen and why would they get together? It took about half the day, but then I finally used my good sense to reroute my thoughts back to that very important fact. I don't know them. As people, or as a couple. I don't know their everday lives. I, nor you reading, have any right to judge if they are good for one another or not. No matter if opposites actually attract or similar people enter similar love, it is not up to me to decide for them based off what I think I know even if I do want them to be together. I have no right, nor actual authority to do so especially being just a fan. All in all, I am not in this relationship. Neither are you and this applies to you and every other fan out there.

So, basically that's just to say people enter relationships at their own will, as their own people most of the time with knowledge of who their partner is as a person, and it's never any of our business beyond the basic level of having an objevtive opinion that shouldn't affect them (*COUGH COUGH* sending hate messages or death threats *COUGH COUGH*) because we are lucky they even decide to share any of this shit with us. Does that make any sense? Don't know, don't care, I refuse to go reread and edit this just to sound nice. Why? Because I'm probably deleting this, as long as I don't forget. Why? Because I honestly just wanted to talk about how annoying it's going to be reading those 'Jennie get your man'/'Jennie's boyfriend this'/'Kai and Jenny that' and etc type comments over the next few months, but this ended up turning into a whole thing.

But yeah, I find that shit annoying. Mostly because it almost belittles idols, degrading them to only face value in a way because they are 'only' recognized for who they date. It is annoying with them and it was annoying with Bora and Feeldog. And I love these people too much to watch that. Though, of course, I know it is not done in offense. People just like couples and are excited love still exists in the world for their precious idols, I know. I get it. I just hate having to look at an idol and think of their current or past significant other. Feels like I'm doing them a disservice, espscially when they started out as just their original selves that I spent YEARS getting to know but suddently I don't feel like I know them anymore as just that. Their pure, individual selves.

I don't know. My bitch ass is dramatic like this and usually I would never speak on this because I want K-pop to just be good fun despite its dark secrets, questionable concepts, and unfavorable features, but sometimes certain shit just gets annoying. And then I feel the need to rant for months before ranting to non K-pop friends or making a whole post no one asked for. In any case, since we're enjoying a rare rant post specifically centered around couples in the industry, might as well give my opinion on the few funny thing that came out of this.

With the outing of Kai's newest relationship, I can finally say seeing my idols date doesn't feel weird anymore. Usually I would get weeks of a weird mourning type feeling, despite knowing and accepting I won't be with my idols romantically. Which, by the way, I actually prefer since I am gross thank you very much. But like, its just a feeling I usually have. Kind of mourning what can't be, kind of fearing how someone knows a part of them I don't. Yeah, I know it is gross and weird, but again to remibd you I spent years draining life energy just to feel like I 'know' and to feel 'close' to these people so logically its the emotional connection (and lowkey emotional dependence), which is why I always feel I can understand when fans say they get sad or cry once idols start marrying or whatever. But, thank the gods, lately said feelings have been coming and going quicker. I assume its due to most of my idols getting older now and my actually wanting them to find love and create their happy ever afters if possible, especially with most of them wanting to get married and actually wanting kids unlike myself.

Like recently, recently for me being years ago sorry, with both UKISS's Dongwo and Eli having to marry in secret and revealing their sons to the world helped really set those new type of support feels in place for me. Going back and knowing who wants what, I now want themselve to achieve these things. Be it love, a family, or simply something new and/or outside of their idol career (quick cringey magical support hwaiting to my not actual husband Bang Yongguk), I want for them to want these things and to continue wanting normal things. Why? Because they are, hopefully you guessed it, normal human beings. Outside of all the glits and glamour of being an idol, representing their home, and trying too damn hard for fans, they are just people.

As it always goes and as cheesy as it probably sounds by now, just people like you and me. People who want things and feel they need to achieve or have certain things to live a fulfilled life or feel accomplished in life before they die. So, yeah, there ya go. My support got some type of Pokemon upgrade ('Idol's Dreams' I chose you?) and I am annoyed because I can't stop my brain from being reminded of other people in the face of my idols. Rip individuality I guess, until that dies down. Anyway, back to your scrolling. I don't know why this ended being so long.

P.S.: As for the rest of those few funny things (1) I am still salty over the treatment and reaction of Baekhyun/Taehyeon and Kai/Krystal by fans (also dramatic and emotionally leave Krystal alone), (2) Hyuna/E'Dawn, despite being great and hopefully a love revolution that will be real I do think they also handled that situation poorly as far as business goes but I do love and support both in case anyone cared, (3) quick claps for the recent emotional growth of K-pop fans tbh as far as relstionships so far, and (4) for whatevet reason I wasn't expecting people to drag my girl Krystal into this. Usually I'm on top of my game with guessing and predicting, but bless her for the next few (hopefully just) weeks. Being the ex is always annoying as fuck.

[newhologram]

New's Ketamine Diary

5.28.22 Week 9/10 of at-home K Cosmic Clockwork

Today was my last day of everyday cryotherapy. I'm proud that I was able to be consistent. I went almost every single day, only skipping when I needed to work. I'm sad that it has to end for now but this will free up my time and money a lot. Driving there every morning was definitely wearing me out. I plan to return to a few cryo treatments a month when I'm able to.

Still dealing with pelvic/lowback and shoulder injury pain but it seems like the newer dose is starting to handle my fibromyalgia and nerve pain. I definitely find myself surprised by a little more stamina than usual on some days. I still have excessive daytime sleepiness from the narcolepsy but it feels like my body is starting to have a higher threshold. I saw this result about a week before I finally tried microdoses of kratom. That is also going well for my symptoms but I'm still in the experimental phase so we'll see.

Shoulder seems to have improved rapidly over the past few days. I don't doubt that red light therapy + everday cryotherapy has helped it heal fast. But if I overdo it and use my arm too much it flares a lot, so I'm still wearing my sling for another week as needed. Ortho appointment is in a few weeks. Really hopeful that this is just a bad sprain and not a tear.

PMS depression started 2 weeks before I'm due as usual. Really rough, my brain is just white noise when this happens. Just had to hunker down through it with video games and cartoons as usual. Felt very hopeless, worthless. Or maybe not worthless, I don't feel that too much anymore. I know my worth and my value, but what I feel is mourning that I can't really do something bigger in this state. I don't know exactly how to explain it. Being creative, ambitious, and chronically ill (and a Capricorn lmao) is a very difficult soul archetype mashup. Preparing myself for my period next week. For months my periods have been "I think I need to go to the ER" level of agony and even though I just went for my shoulder, I might just go if it gets bad enough. At the very least we can have on file that this is what my ovary/endo/bowel is doing to me every single month.

Had a mellow trip after my primary follow-up and then 5 days later a bit of a more intense one to process the additional stress of now needing to see an oncologist (muffled screaming). Decided to play the same music that facilitated the last deep dive I did. Not sure what it is about that album but it's been the perfect music to hold my hand through some deep processing. Melted into a lot of timelines, different versions of myself, different fates, different planets, peered through the veil and grasped at the universe I want to experience. Tried, tried, tried to put my trust in the behind-the-scenes clockwork of the cosmos.

Because if these issues had been found 5-10 years ago, maybe medical science and technology wouldn't have been able to help me as much back then. So maybe it is better that I went through what I went through in order to become who I am to go through this now when doctors know more about how to treat this. At least that's what I'm hoping.

Finished season 2 of Russian Doll. It was very helpful to watch right after k therapy. They still did a really good job of showing what these kind of deep psychological soul trips are like. Once again the overall story resonated perfectly with that I'm going through. Coney Island, and all that.

It is interesting how the past 4 years we've been hammered by media about this kind of concept: the other versions of us living other lives, the other versions of us who didn't make it. Such deep, vivid dreams that are so real and long they feel like we were living out another life--and can we connect with the other us somehow? Can we replace them or change the past to make our present better or are we stuck with the cards we've been dealt? The dreams are so real and good that when we wake up, it's confusing to find ourselves in this timeline.

More recently it's ramped up almost to a comical point. So many movies and shows that I feel are tapping at my aquarium to wake me up from the dreams where it's flooding. The water is brown and surging. I use the last of my strength to push a friend to the surface. I can still see light at the top of the water and as I sink to the bottom, I think, "I don't know if I can make it back up for air." I've always been a good swimmer, but I'm so tired I can't move anymore. A sense of peace and acceptance washes over me, mixing with the terrified dread of being in deep, dark water. There are giant eels in some dreams. But sometimes it's just a mall, filled with water and debris and screaming people. I either somehow find the strength to swim back up, or I wake up before I've drowned. I've had several of these dreams lately.

I want to make the choice to not drown. But I also want to be realistic--and prepared--for life.

[localdreamersthings]

ANOTHER SAME DAY

SO ITS ANOTHER DAY AND ITS ANOTHER GRACELESS DAY LIKE NOTHING DIFFERENT I HATE THIS SORT OF LIFE LIKE THERE SHOULD BE SOME ADSVENTURES IN LIFE WHICH WILL MAKE YOUR DAYS EXCITING AND YOU WILL WAKE EVERY MORNING WITH AN IDEA OF DOING SOMETHING NEW, THAT IS MY DREAM LIFE I THINK ABOUT THIS ALL DAY AND NIGHT IH WHICH FIELD I SHOULD GO SO I WOULD HAVE FUN AND ANDVENTURES EVERDAY LIKE YOU KNOW TRAVELLING INTO NEW PLACES DISCOVERING NEW THINGS THEN MAYBE YOU THINK THAT I SHOULD BE A VLOGGER BUT DUDE I WISH I CAN !!!! MY LIFE HAS SO MANYYYYYY PROBLEMS LIKE I HAVE CONFIDENCE AND I KNOW I AM A LITTLE BIT PRETTY BUT I LIVE IN A VERY SMALLLLL CITY WHAT I WOULD DO IN THAT VLOG AND JUST BECAUSE OF THIS NO ONE WILL EVERRR ALLOW ME BUT I CAN BE A VLOGGER IN ONE CONDITION IF I GET A CHANCE TO STUDY HIGH SCHOOL FOR ONE YEAR IN ANY FOREIGN COUNTRY I HAVE APPLIED IN ONE PROGRAMME I WISH I WOULD GET INTO IT BUT I WON’T DREAM BECAUSE WHEN I DREAM ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS I START EXPECTING AND WHEN MY DREAM DOESNOT GET FULFILLED IT BREAKS ME AND MY EXPECTATION AND IT REALLY HURTS SO NOW AS I AM GROWING I HAVE LEARNED THIS THING THAT I WOULD NEVER DREAM LIKE IT WOULD BE PERFECT I GET ACCEPTED FOR THAT  EXCHANGE PROGRAMME BUT IF I WONT THEN IT WOULD ALSO FINE REAL WORLD IS LIKE THIS EVERYTHI NG YOU WANT OR DREAM DOESNOT MEAN YOU WILL GET THAT THING 

[ughthatimagineblog]

prove them wrong

steve harrington x reader

IMPORTANT: read the authors note you guys.

requested:  IDK if there’s a Steve x reader request out there based off of the Nancy “bullshit” lines from season 2, but I’d LOVE a Steve x reader story where reader starts saying everything about their relationship is bullshit and Steve realizes it’s because she has parents going through a divorce so she thinks their relationship is going to fall apart like her parents

warnings: divorce between parents, yelling, parents fighting, fighting, (mental) images of emotional hurt

word count: 895

a/n: so i have personally been there as a young girl for my parents divorce so I tried to write my perspective on this. it’s such a hard thing to deal with and i am so sorry if your parents have gone/are going through this. but i want every single one of you to remember that you are NOT your parents and your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/s.o is NOT them either. you are your own person and you CAN choose to learn from their misfortune instead of learn to mistrust. my dad cheated and lied and now i still have a bit of a hard time trusting my boyfriend, who has repeatedly proved to me is a good man and loyal and honest, who has expressed the want to spend literal eternity with me and who treats me like a queen. he is the light of my life and deserves the entire world. he’s my dream come true, my real life prince and he doesnt deserve that and i’m working everday to fix what broken pieces my dad left. i wouldnt wish that on anyone ever. so please, if you would like to talk about it, i’m here and i’ll help to the best of my abilities. you are all strong and please remember YOU ARE NOT THEM. YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT MIRRORS OF THEM. TAKE A GOOD LESSON OUT OF THIS. THIS WILL TEACH YOU TO BE STRONGER I PROMISE. best wishes to all of you lovelies <3

  You hold your breath, trying to count to ten. The sounds, the vibrations, the echoes of screams from down the halls. With every yell it shattered your walls and made you realize that this was what everyone was destined for. Damage. Destined for damage. The words played like a mantra in your head.

  And no amount of convincing, you thought, would convince you otherwise.

  Your parents were in the middle of a divorce. It didn’t exactly help when you were in the middle of a loving relationship. With Steve Harrington. King of Hawkins High.   The days grew longer and standing by his side, you felt empty. Like you were now waiting for the two of you to break up like you were bound to like your parents. It’s what it felt like. Your world was breaking to say the least and Steve was about to get the brunt of the storm.   You were in his car, driving down main when he took the turn into the neighborhood. Your neighborhood.    “No, Steve, I don’t want to go home.” You insisted. And he shrugged. “C’mon, you live right here, I can’t just turn around and drive all the way-”   “Steve do not take me home.” You insisted, but he persisted. “Look, Y/N, I don’t see what the big deal is, we went to my house last time.” He said as he pulled into your drive.   You huffed out before getting out of the car. “Just forget it. Go home, Steve.” You said, coldly. “What? Y/N. . .”   “What? You think this matters? Big news, I don’t care. So just go. It’s bullshit anyways. All of this is bullshit.”   You slammed the car door shut but he heard you through his open window. “Just go home. . .   The yelling again. The arguing. It gets louder every night now. Once you tried to stop them. You figured begging on your knees for your father to stop screaming that it would help. They ignored you.   The next day at school you didn’t show. You couldn’t. You were breaking. You drove out of town and stopped in the diner your parents would take you to when you were younger.

  Steve, at school, asked around where you were. Only Sandra was able to answer. “She said she was taking a day off or something.” Steve was dumbfounded and hurt. He called your relationship bullshit and now you’re skipping town? His anger was evident on his face and Sandra saw.   “Hey, calm down. She deserves a break.” She warned and Steve’s expression grew puzzled. “Why?” He asked simply.   “You don’t know? Jeez, I figured you’d know.” She scoffed and popped gum that was in her mouth.   “Well, I don’t so could ya cut the crap an’ tell me?” Steve asked, annoyed and serious. “Fine. Her parents are in the middle of a divorce. People say it’s real bad. Tommy Smith is her neighbor and he says they can hear Mr. and Mrs. Y/L/N yelling at each other every night. Really tearing her apart. She said she needed some time to think.” Sandra told him and his heart sank.   It explained everything. Time to think, he thought to himself. A light bulb went off. The diner! You had talked about it non-stop when he first met you. It’s where you went on your first date with him and you told him it was your peaceful place.   It was maybe five minutes outside of town so without hesitation he grabbed his jacket and took off, ignoring the teachers calls for him to return to class.

  When he arrived you were sitting in one of the seats by the window on the far end of the diner. You were alone, coffee cup laced in your hands and there were tear stains on your face. His heart sank more.   “Y/N. . .” He began but you held up your hand. “Steve, save it. We should just end it while we are ahead. I mean what are we together for? We aren’t going to get married, or you don’t want to eventually and we are just destined to break up either way.” You ranted, the anger and sadness boiling within you.   “It’s fine if we do. I mean I’m hurt but I’m not going to sit here to waste away like-”  “Them.” He finished for you. You looked up at him. How did he know? “I know all about your parents, and we won’t be like them. I promise. I do want to marry you, believe it or not.” Steve mentioned and your heart leapt.   “I know it sounds crazy but I love you. We will go through hardships. Mountains, valleys, oceans and desserts and everything in between,” He held your hands across the table. “But i’d risk anything for you and I’ll be here through it all. This is just more of an uphill mountain hike than a downhill one.” He said with a smile and you laughed, allowing tears to fall.   You were wrong about no amount of convincing could ever “convince you otherwise”. Because Steve just did.   “Now, I know this isn’t all bullshit. And I know I love you. So I just want to know, do you want to prove your parents wrong with me?” He said, soft look in his yes. You nodded, wiping away your tears.    “Yes.”

I hope everyone enjoyed <333

[maetaamong]

Kpop & Music Tags

I was tagged by one of my very favourite humans @achuu-nice 

This is a really long one so feel free to do one, or more, or none, whatever floats your boat

I’ll tag @llavkey @busanschubs @smittenbyschmidt @the-maskedlady​ / @seventeen-carrot​ @sambashua @thedaysix @undinefin @cinnagyeom-roll @jaemms @lipstick-chathao / @howcaniwait @astrayminho @chuuyo @xuhoon​ sorry if I forgot you, also anyone who sees this can say I tagged them and I’ll back you up

Music Shuffle Tag

Rules: put all of your phone’s music library – no playlists! – on shuffle. list the first ten songs that play. bold the song(s) that lift your mood and italicise the song(s) that makes you the most emotional. then tag ten people! 

1. I’ll remember by Day6 (Spotify) 2. valentine (prod. flavors) by atlas (Spotify) 3. Man in a movie by Day6 (Spotify) 4. Never Ever by GOT7 (Spotify) 5. Monday Blues by EXO-CBX (Spotify) 6. FRUITY (Prod. GroovyRoom) by HYOLYN Kisum (Spotify) 7. WITHOUT YOU by NCT U (Spotify) 8. Blind by L’Indécis (Spotify) 9. AIR by WINNER (Spotify) 10. Scientist by VIXX (Spotify)

Kpop Tag

Rules: answer the questions!!

~~~~~

1. five favorite groups?

My ult groups are NCT and iKON, and I also spend a lot of time with EXO, GOT7, and Monsta X

2. top five on your bias list?

1. NCT : Doyoung / Kim Dongyoung 2. iKON : B.I. / Kim Hanbin 3. GOT7 : Bambam 4. EXO : Baekhyun / Byun Baekhyun 5. Monsta X : Minhyuk / Lee Minhyuk

3. ult bias group and why you love them?

I have two ult groups dksd

iKON: well for one I love their music style, its a little all over the place sometimes *coughs* B-Day but I adore every second of it. I also love the more intense, like less flower boy, appeal YG lets them have (example: the boys’ tattoos kill me). And lastly all the members are super fun, upbeat, and mature (sometimes).

NCT: again, I love their music style. Especially recently where a lot of their songs feature deep base lines and/or EDM style music. Plus with 18 lovely boys making up this group there is such a variety in personality and humour, you can’t not find at least one boy to love. I can’t wait to see where NCT goes with their make or break year !

4. ult bias and why you love them?

again, two ult groups so two ult biases rip

iKON’s B.I: Hanbin is one of the single most hardworking people I’ve yet to see. Throughout both survival shows he was on, continuing through to creating the music for their latest album Return, and most recently writing and composing a song just for iKonics, his love for his fans and his work is so evident in everything he does. Plus my boy is so sweet and stupid and funny and just makes my heart swell.

NCT’s Doyoung: Dodo is so quick witted and charming, he makes the best MC and and even better variety idol. He keeps things so interesting and loves his members with his whole heart. Also he has the voice of an actual angel, if you haven’t heard him sing then you haven’t lived.

5. favorite kpop meme

that one video of Jeno where hes just lost in thought and then it like zooms into his memory where Jaemin kisses him, it zooms back out and Jeno giggles

this one

6. favorite pic of your ult? (I dare you to only pick one)

oh goD um okay well rip this is gonna take up so much space

Doyoung:

B.I :

7. ten favorite kpop mvs (not in order)

1. Airplane by iKON 2. Yestoday by NCT U 3. Dramarama by Monsta X 4. Dream In A Dream by Ten 5. Don’t Wanna Cry by Seventeen 6. Love Paint by Nu’est 7. Star Blossom by Doyoung 8. The One by EXO-CBX 9. Power by EXO 10. Sober by BigBang

8. ten favorite kpop songs?

1. Bling Bling by iKON 2. Rubber Band by iKON 3. Summer 127 by NCT 127 4. Dream In A Dream by Ten 5. Star Blossom by Doyoung 6. Love Me by iKON 7. One And Only by B.I 8. We Young by NCT Dream 9. Heartbreaker by NCT 127 10. Boss by NCT U

9. favorite kpop crack video?

anything about NCT’s Yuta he’s a crackhead

10. favorite content creator within the fandom?

oooooo okay um I’ll pick two for each of my ult groups and call it a day

NCT gifs: @nakamotens  NCT fics: @chipsandwaffles 

iKON gifs: @khbdh iKON fics: @zicosxnose

11. what fandoms would you say you’re an active member of?

iKON, NCT, WINNER, and EXO

12. take your top 3 biases - fmk or kiss marry kill

how about both

fuck: Bambam marry: Doyoung kill: Hanbin 

kiss: Hanbin marry: Doyoung kill: Bambam

13. if you could be best friends with any idol, who would you choose?

Chenle from NCT cause we’re the same age and he’s funny and cute (also that means I get to be friends with Jisung too lol)

14. If you could date any idol, who?

Lucas from NCT cause I think we’d get along? I can be both outgoing and shy, depends on my mood, and he’d be outgoing enough for the both of us when I’m feeling quieter but I’d still be able to match his energy level when I wanted to! Also we’re both excessively flirty lol

15. what’s one kpop album you think everyone should have listened to?

RETURN BY IKON !!!!!

16. are you a soft or a hard stan?

I’m a switch stan, I bounce back and forth between soft and hard stan

17. an idol that makes you go into soft mode?

Jeongin from Stray Kids hes such a cutie pie

18. an idol that makes you want to smash the empire state building with one single punch?

Hanbin when he’s being stupid 

“Are rats reptiles?” stupid fuck

19. favorite vocalist?

Doyoung from NCT !!

20. favorite rapper?

B.I from iKON !!

21. favorite dancer?

Ten from NCT and B.I from iKON

22. things you have in common with your ult?

iKON’s B.I: we both can get easily lost and confused but still manage to have fun along the way

NCT’s Doyoung: we both enjoy skinship with friends, we love hugs but think platonic kisses can die

23. the most beautiful trait any idol can have?

Being kind and humble. The first idol I can think of as an example is I.M. / Im Changkyun from Monsta X, specifically that instance where he gently scolded the staff during a fansign event when the staff tried to tell monbebes to sit on the ground. Changkyun immediately told monbebes to stand up and asked the staff to get them chairs.

24. songs that will always make you jam along?

Tendae by Bobby

DDD by EXID

B-Day by iKON

Summer 127 by NCT 127

25. your worst wrecker?

Winwin from NCT and Hyungwon from Monsta X

26. any kpop concerts you’ve been to?

I went to Day6′s Everday 6 November North America tour and went to a hi touch event with them too

27. favourite choreo?

Black On Black by NCT 2018 !!!

28. favourite live performance?

I AGREE NOM, HEAVEN BY NU’VENTEEN IS THE BEST

29. favorite debut mv?

Firetruck by NCT 127 lol

30. recommend a rookie group

A.C.E. and Pentagon

31. a kpop song you could listen to every day for the rest of your life?

Welcome Back by iKON

[madi2112]

Six months and counting. This is the first time I have ever posted a true after/before picture comparison. Since today marks the six month milestone on HRT, I thought it was about time. The picture on the right was taken Christmas 2008. I was miserable inside. The constant dysphoria was eating away at me like an acid. I was well over 300 lbs trying "eat myself to death" and hidden so deep in the closet I could never fathom where I am at today with transition. Not that I didn't dream it, wish it and hope for it, but I did only that. Alot. I just never thought it could actually happen. Almost nine years later (on the left) Im 185 lbs and living as my true self all the time. Having a loving partner, working, playing, traveling, shopping and all the things most everyone else consider "everday" living are now just that for me. Something I do every minute of everyday. Was the loss of everthing I had then toohigh of a price to pay for internal peace of mind? I truly believe it was. But to be honest at times I wonder. The cars, house, travel, luxuries I have no second thoughts about losing at all. My wife and son rejecting me still rips me apart to this day. But I must go on. The beginnings of so many changes are very much apparent now. My skin has begun to change, my chest is "up" to between AA and A. The hair on my body is getting thinned out and far less visable. Im starting have some shape and I swear I smell different. The emotional changes are also very noticeable. I seem to have more extremes. Higher highs. Quick to cry and sympathize with other. More friendy and curtious and very slow to anger. Mentally Im stronger then ever. Im more resilient to the judging stares of others. More relaxed, comfortable and confident with myself. I am almost always "well put together" as I have bern told many times. But inside my 'mental middle finger' flies high as my "this is who I am, your approval accepted but not needed" has become my motto. The only thing dampening this milestone day is the high probability I have ever spreading Cancer and am getting the run around from the medical world. At least I (maybe) can get into surgery on Friday to finally get a diagnosis. Unless, of corse, the Cardiologist finds more reasons to delay things. Couple all that with sever financial difficulties and it has really dulled down the bright shine this day should bring. But to be honest, though challenging, transition is one of the areas in my life going full steam head. I plan on keeping that momentum going. I'm just unsure now for just how that may be. ~Madison HRT6month Day 181