#ESPECIALLY if you know the person has a mental illness

[bean-spring]

Hot take and not to be a killjoy or the shipping police but people treating Viktor or Jinx's aroace headcanons as if they were canon is not the revolutionary take people think it is.

Headcanons are always all right but we have to acknowledge that they are somehow damaging when they apply to stereotypes. It might not be the case for everyone but most of the time people unconsciously assume that disability/mental illness=asexuality. These headcanons erase the freedom of attraction from people who are already seen as unable to have sexual/romantic experiences/desires, when it's completely untrue and harmful.

You can headcanon Viktor and Jinx as aroace, but I have seen people changing their minds once Viktor is no longer disabled (s2 with all of his other forms) and Jinx is no longer as mentally ill (alternate universe Powder). And it speaks wonders of how people see these characters.

"I never thought about Jinx being able to feel romantic/sexual attraction until s2!" To believe she's actually only capable of that when she's not "damaged" is incredibly disturbing. Especially since Jinx has always had a bit of a flirty personality too.

"I've always seen Viktor as asexual, I don't know why!" That's fine. You can headcanon him as ace. But I believe there is a reason behind it, most of the time, if for some inexplicable reason the "vibes" of the disabled character are making you think he's ace.

I say all of this being aroaspec myself, by the way. Headcanon all you want but going to people's posts commenting how "it's weird for you that they have romantic/sexual plots when they're clearly aroace" is not a win at all. It's a headcanon, after all, and it should be treated as such, and that's fine. But it also is damaging to spread stereotypes like these.

Of course the disabled character is asexual. Of course the mentally ill character is aromantic. It's not as revolutionary as you might think, tbh.

Fandom is not activism and it's all right to have any headcanons you want BUT some of them are filled with damaging stuff and perhaps we should look into ourselves more before treating these assumptions as something canon.

[rainsinheaven-if]

DEMO TBA - Winter 2025

First update will include: Prologue and Chapter One

Warnings: Blood and injuries, sexism, profanity, temporary character death, child neglect, parental physical and emotional abuse, optional sexual content, and more. Suitable for ages 16+. List will be updated in the future.

This game is in early development and a work in progress. There may be future changes to location names, plot etc.

You’ve never felt loved by your family before.

Born a twin but feeling more like a shadow, you’ve watched your younger brother, Nolan, receive all the love and praise you were denied. But no matter how unkind you are to him, Nolan’s loyalty and kindness towards you remains unwavering. It’s as if there’s a bond pulling you back everytime you think of leaving it all behind.

Now a mysterious illness has swept through Valorian Kingdom’s royal court, leaving many nobles, including the king at death’s door. The Oracle’s prophecy offers a single hope: the Crown Prince must gather five lost souls to join him in a dangerous journey towards Coven’s Swampy, an ominous and foreboding area hidden deep within the mystical forest.

You are chosen to be one of those five.

As you venture deep into the forest, the journey will push you to the limits of courage and loyalty, forcing you to question everything you believe about family and love. This might not just be a journey to save the day, but a journey towards self-discovery for you and everyone in your group. So when the journey ends, will there be anything left of the person who first stepped into the darkness? 

Customize your MC! Change your appearance and control your personality. MC starts out as female, but there will be transition options.

Grow a relationship with your twin! Choose to either continue being unkind to your twin brother or getting to know him instead. Your MC's relationship with him may affect some major events.

Develop relationships! There are six romanceable characters - 3 male, 2 gender selectable, and 1 non-binary. Or you can avoid romance and keep it all platonic.

Learn and improve your skills! With the option to choose to either be a mage, knight, or both, you can learn and improve your skills to become better at what you do.

Find yourself! Journey through the mystical forest to not only find a cure, but to self-discovery. There are plenty of secrets to learn about that may or may not change the way you think and feel.

More to be added…

Below are the six romanceable characters in this story. You can choose to flirt with everyone, but at one point, you'll have to decide on one. Also keep in mind that there are other important characters as well that are not listed here.

Ver/Vera Forrest | Gender Selectable | 21

Playful and energetic with golden-retriever-like energy, V is always ready for adventure. They never fail to be there for you when you need someone to rant to, or a shoulder to lean on. Their cleverness and sneakiness keeps them out of most trouble due to the way they were raised. And it’s exactly how they are raised that has made them hide their burden under their positive enthusiasm.

You are best friends, so why don’t you know any of her secrets? 

Oliver Astoran | he/him | 21

With a cold demeanor, Oliver holds a strong desire to protect the people he cares about, especially those whose kindness is exploited. Your unkind treatment towards your brother causes him to despise you. You are always able to press on the right buttons to rile each other up. He shows a strong sense of determination that marks his mental and physical strength. But perhaps there’s something more to the reason behind his behavior than what the eye sees.

Will you ever be able to see him in a different light, or will it just be fighting, fighting and more fighting?

Ethos Van Winston | he/him | 22

Occupation: Prince, Heir to the Throne

Burdened by the responsibility of being heir to the throne, Ethos is reserved, guarded, and serious. As a child, he was once carefree and one of your closest friends. But after an incident that left unspoken, lingering tension between you two, he now elicits a melancholic presence. His warm side is hidden away somewhere, and you wonder if there was more than just the incident that made him change.

You weren’t the reason he changed… right?

Theodore Eaves | he/him | 24

From a young age, Theodore’s life has been defined by duty and training. He’s mature for his age and has a tendency to act like an older brother to you and the group. He’s well disciplined and stoic, rarely having time to express vulnerability. His focus on duty has left him oblivious to romantic interest, despite his admired reputation due to his looks and status. His obliviousness goes further though, for reasons that he himself hasn’t fully discovered and understood.

Will you ever get to see a vulnerable side of him, instead of just that brotherly figure?

Mattie | they/them | 19

Curious as ever, Mattie often gets themselves into trouble. But with their charming personality and resourcefulness, they’re able to get themselves out of trouble. They are playful, enjoying the work of teasing others and instigating drama to get chaotic, and hopefully flustered, reactions. His skills and knowledge about the forest have proven him to be a good asset, but there is more to him than what meets the eye.

For someone who is so bright and playful, they can’t surely have anything to hide, right?

Yaran/Yara | Gender Selectable | 22

Nobody is sure they know who Y is. They seem ambitious, cunning, and deceiving; doing risky things to achieve their own goals at the cost of someone else’s pain. They are unpredictable, popping in and out of your group - sometimes being a guide, but other times hindering progress. Despite their ambiguity, they are charismatic and mysterious enough to leave your group intrigued. All there is to do now is truly learn who they are and what they have hidden inside.

Who is Y and can you trust them with anything, especially your life?

Demo | ROs Profiles

This is my first attempt at creating an interactive fiction game and using Twine Sugarcube. Please be patient and kind <3

Shares are appreciated :)

[goreybaby]

this is the fandom i was referring to in my previous post lmao. but yeah. this. literally this.

jimmy did awful things, but there's no reason for people to literally shun him from their vocabulary, etc. it's immature, it's stupid. you can hate a character, hate the things they did, but when artists are too scared to draw him, write his name or discuss him in any way that is not direct hate, then you suck lol. you're censoring this fandom and pretty much belittling mouthwashing's masterful intent along with its various messages.

the main villain in mouthwashing is pony express. they hired a woman who was not qualified to do her job to assess real people who exhibit symptoms of debilitating mental illness, all because they do not care enough about their staff to do things correctly and safely. they are neglectful to their workers.

throughout the game, the player is constantly bombarded with posters alluding to the repercussions the crew members will face if they go against some very trivial rules.

evidently, jimmy is suffering from some kind of severe mental illness. he has hallucinations, acts in brash, violent ways, and is very detached from all the other crew members. in his psych eval, he claims he has a sexual attraction to cartoon horses — a completely inappropriate and unusual claim, something no sane person would even entertain saying.

jimmy was not given the psychological help he needed to improve. the devs even stated that the ship purposely has little to no windows to enhance the claustrophobic feel — no doubt would this affect someone suffering from whatever illness it is he is forced to endure, where hallucinations are prevalent.

while, of course, what he did to anya was vile and deplorable, if pony express was able to tend to jimmy's mental distress and actually hire someone who knows what they're doing, there is a chance this might not have happened.

now onto curly: people who claim he is at fault for not telling anyone about jimmy, or that he did not act soon enough.

for one, the time between curly finding out about anya's assault and the crashing of the ship was 24 hours. 24 hours of hearing that one of your crewmates has just been violently assaulted by your best friend. it is jarring, he needs time to process, and anya is clearly not someone who can handle high-tension situations well. so, him approaching jimmy and demanding he take responsibility would not only cause her more distress, but may also entice her abuser to react violently towards her. and ultimately, it did: he tried to find the gun after finding out about the pregnancy, and when that was not doable, he decided to crash the ship instead.

curly had to handle this situation with care. he needed time. more time. but he didn't have enough.

on the poster "Polle says lend a hand!" the small print reads: HR complaints about poor team synergy may result in collective punishment.

had curly established an even bigger problem by confronting jimmy, everyone, including anya, would have suffered the consequences. he needed to think about the best way to go about this for everyone, and especially for her, but again, he had no time.

think... pony express, the ultimate villain of the game, would have been willing to punish the victim for coming out about her assault.

look at the bigger picture. stop looking at characters as one dimensional, or as their faults. the entire crew has so much depth, they aren't meant to be taken at face value.

and seriously!! you're allowed to admire characters for their writing and still hate their actions; you can still pity a character who did something immoral.

alright, friends, i might say something you don't like but i think it's important. not just to defend a character, but because i think this is literally making people's experience and relationship with this game worse.

give jimmy like two seconds to exist.

by hating jimmy so much you refuse to even say his name, and judge real, living people for liking him, you are cheapening your experience by boiling down the main character to the most ~yuckiest~ moments. and, by not making a seperate space for hating on him, you are drowning out the voices of people who actually have nuanced things to say about his character. you know, the skilled writers and artists that feed the fandom? limitation is what kills fandoms, you have to know that.

is jimmy a good person? no. is he a good captain/companion/worker? Absolutely Not! he crumbles like dust under any pressure and he immediately shifts blame off of himself, he is an actively harmful individual and it's right to be upset by his actions. i literally had to stop myself from saying "man FUCK jimmy." multiple times because i didn't want to spoil how terrible he got to my friends when i showed the game to them.

but you have to understand; people are more than their actions. thats part of the entire point of the game. thats why its so abstract. you are meant to think about the nuances of their situation.

we can agree that anya was way more as a woman than what happened to her and what she did as a result of it, right? that despite her best efforts, she was a victim of circumstance, and she deserves to be understood and analyzed fully?

then why, seeing a fictional man who has done immoral things, are you so disgusted you won't even draw, write or discuss him outside of hate? what is that doing for you, to ignore literally the main character of the game because of his actions?

now, this is not to say people can't hate jimmy. i understand it! as someone who has been a victim of s/a and abuse, i understand if you hate him and are even triggered by him to the point of avoiding mention of him. (but...why are you in this fandom? ((not aggressive im genuinely asking)))

you can feel however you want about any character, my goal is not to control people. but i thought it was common knowledge to not hatepost about someone in their tag? over actual insight into his character and, you know, the main themes of the game?

jimmy is a man who has struggled his whole life. both him and curly confirm that in the game. he's unable to control his emotional outbursts, and he likely had no idea what to expect from being in fucking SPACE for over a year with people he probably didn't even know before that trip. and pony express and their corporate safety corner cutting certainly didnt help, did it?

for one reason or another, he most likely was never actually taught how to manage his emotions. that's just how it is sometimes, growing up as a man. and it would make sense if he was forced to deal with everything himself, no? he always complains, but he still says he'll handle it. because that's what he's always had to do. and this is just the start of what i could say about what made him the way that he is.

he's a victim too, not only of his own actions.

surprise surprise, people who do awful things can also be victims.

honestly, this entire situation baffles me. how are you going to avoid one of the main characters of the game, let alone the one you play as ninety percent of the time? mind you, curly is also guilty, and i am happy to see at least some people giving him space for nuance. because he is also a victim!!! why is it so impossible to see jimmy as nuanced, when literally every other character also has incredible depth to them??

you're tarnishing and spitting on the beautiful writing of this game just because one character is too icky for you to feel comfortable thinking about for too long. it's horror, you absolute morons. it's supposed to make you uncomfortable.

if you hate jimmy, i dont blame you. but please, please, make your own space for it. be kind to people who want to explore jimmy and the darker themes, and like him for what his character represents. this is a video game fandom, not a witch hunt. and please, learn some fandom etiquette while you're at it, okay? okay. thank you

also just say his name. its not a slur youre not gonna go to hell if you say jimmy. like this isn't as important but still it just feels like a microcosm of this whole thing.

[luckheist]

y'know what's gross ?

seeing people use SCHIZO as an insult . people want to preach about being accepting of mental illnesses and trying to erase stigma ... but then throw around a term that's considered by most people with some form of schizophrenia to be a slur .

as someone who has schizoaffective disorder and suffers from what psychiatrists consider a form of schizophrenia , it makes me physically ill every time i see this and really shows me who is and who isn't a safe person for someone like me to interact with .

the only people who should be using this term are those trying to reclaim it . for me to say "my schizo brain won't let me find words" or other things like that is different from people without the disorder saying " xyz is schizo and crazy and needs to be locked up " .

what you're doing by saying that is showing that you believe people with severe mental illnesses should be taken out of society and locked in asylums or prisons or wherever else so they're out of sight and out of mind .

it's really upsetting to see and i'll be blocking from here on out if it's on my dash . i already feel shitty enough about friends and family having to deal with my worst days , i don't need random assholes on the internet making it worse .

[fanvoidkeith]

honestly... i've seen a lot of people be like "oh the underfell skeles are cat coded" but like... i feel like that's not quite acturate? underfell!papyrus is cat-coded to me, for sure. but underfell!sans?

no. fell!sans is the abused, generally loud but passive dog who's agressive over his territory. his bark is bigger and louder and more dangerous than his bite for the most part. he plays with his toys to prove he knows his way around better than you, he follows you around, he side-eyes you to see if you're a threat. but he loves the attention. he's confused when you don't mistreat him. he's puzzled when others like him are nice and well-meaning, because all he knows is the violent and aggressive hierarchy of his home.

fell!sans is the dog who waits by his brother's side, no matter how many times he's swatted away. fell!papyrus is the cat who will always be waiting for him to come home, no matter how much their familial relationship struggles.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Mmmhh...

[lemonlyre]

I'd argue, in the context of the show and other characters this makes sense. Now, hear me out pls I spent a long time on this. :3

There's a larger core message in the show that is invariably accepting of disability, race, etc. and totally against eugenicist thinking. Viktor's whole deal, as a journey to accepting human difference and literally searching for a 'glorious final evolution' where the human race itself is replaced by robots without disability, without 'flaws', only to have his realization be that that mindset is so wrong and has caused so much pain over the course of the show.

Also, I noticed the show celebrates diversity and especially props up discriminated groups as rich in character and value as a person. Most characters attain or have some disability - seen or unseen - which doesn't denote them but is framed as a natural physical consequence to war or just a part of them. Jinx's mental health, losing a finger, Sevika's arm, Viktor's illness, etc; the show celebrates the use of mobility aids, prosthetics etc and claims in the climax "you aren't broken, your imperfections make you who you are" to the eugenicist/disabled and impoverished character. I'd argue the show is pretty fundamentally against eugenecism, esp. given the core principle of unity and acceptance.

Some misc. Examples: Zaun deserves to be equal to Piltover, Jinx finding acceptance helps her heal, shimmer and corruption blamed for addiction in the under city, never some intrinsic part of this group of people. Eg; Bush administrations' push that black communities are intrinsically criminal and drug-afflicted to justify racism, while at the same time fueling the war on drugs through opium deals in America. Not to mention the vast array of identities of all the characters are given spotlight, their own stories, flaws and strengths, etc. CaitxVi isn't originally canon to the game, yet here their queerness is celebrated, not shunned as disgusting or making them lesser than. Same with Lest and her transness; Mel, Ekko, Ambessa with their blackness. Multiculturalism and acceptance of identities is celebrated as a core Principle of Arcane.

Especially like with Viktor's arc, this show is alll about duality; "two sides of the same coin" and I believe Singed reaching a "happy ending" is sadly par for the course in life. Bad people win, Viktor still killed all those people, Caitlyn still used police brutality for her personal revenge scheme, Singed still won after everything he's done. He's made to be a foil (contrasting character) to Viktor, highlighting how eugenicist beliefs can be adopted as a manipulation of insecurity and how Singed is his mentor and a piece of shit.

I believe his surviving is pretty plot relevant, as his daughter seems like she'll be important in future media (idk if she's a legend in-game?) yet Ambessa, Jayce adn Viktor are pretty evidently gone so idk this show plays with lore to suit a comprehensive, layered and complex story but Singed is an open plot point. Who knows, maybe he'll get brutally and thematically murdered by his own creations in the next installment, I'd like that.

The more I think about it, the more I question Arcane S2's politics and themes, which were so foundational to S1. Like, a tiny example [SPOILERS AHEAD]:

Singed wins. He gets exactly what he wants in the end. All his "efforts" are rewarded. What does that say about people who share his ideology of eugenics? He is the source of nearly every horrible thing and conflict that happened (Shimmer, the factory deaths, Jinx, Vander as Warwick, the corruption of Viktor), and he gets a happier ending than any other character. Not even a 'he got what he wanted but he has become completely unrecognizable/monstrous to his daughter' tag at the end. You can say they're setting him up and need to open his daughter to future shows, but the way you end a character's story says something about what you think about that character. What does it say when the eugenicist war criminal gets the happy ending he doesn't deserve?

[edge-oftheworld]

one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I can’t count the number of times someone I know is going through something and I’m like ‘I’ve got a song for u’ and how much of my life involves telling myself ‘if [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can i’ (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I can’t understate how much I appreciate these things.

but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they don’t share with us, but when they do share things it’s not a big stretch to be like ‘this seems like it’s what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much better’. and it’s easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if you’re already fragile.

and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but it’s hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we can’t say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes it’s a whole lot of internally saying ‘you’re doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better faster’

[diseaseriddencube]

tempted to make one of those old style theory posts where every character secretly represents a mental illness owoooouughg spookyyyyy

but for the akudama

[joanofarcs-stigmata]

gave up studying for my midterms so hello here i am! first, i want to give a few disclaimers: i have a degree in sociology, specifically in regards to trauma informed childcare and the school to prison pipeline, and i teach, so while i interact with the prison system i do not have a law degree, and i only know so much. also, i am trans and schizophrenic, both of which have crazy high rates of discrimination by police (especially schizophrenia. out of all people that face police brutality in the usa, 20.1% are schizophrenic!) so i am definitely biased. i'm also from the southern united states. my state has the highest # of people ever killed by the state in prison in the usa, and our last governor swears with his life that we have never executed an innocent person, despite plenty of people being cleared posthumously. (horrifying, i know. i love my home but also gosh i hate it here). so that's where im coming from, life experience wise. also, i apologize if my wording comes off as gruff; being schizophrenic, i have a hard time conveying tone. i 100% mean everything kindly.

also: im not an anarchist or anything lol. i promise

first, police aren't 'problematic'-- they're a militarized institution. they're a system built into the fabric of society. that's far more than problematic. in my state (which i'm keeping vague bc of privacy, but you can probably figure it out real easy at the end of this lol), the police, rangers, and sheriffs were all started for two reasons: genocide and slave catching. "hey, local farmer, need an *insert whatever slur for indigenous person you can think of* to give up their land? just have them bullied off the property by rangers!" "hey, plantation owner, your slave ran away? call the sheriff to come find them!" the police exist to enforce laws, and when the laws are genocidal and pro-slavery, these institutions are founded as colonialist and antiblack. policing in the usa exists because of slavery and genocide. the justice system hasn't 'failed' because it wasn't moral to begin with.

of course, the history of policing in america doesnt 100% start with slavery/indigenous genocide. but, prior to these laws that supported state sanctioned violence, most law enforcement was done by militias. you see a lot of these still in my state, especially in sundown towns and near the mexican border, and a lot of these people get slaps on the wrist for brutalizing others while the people they are harassing-- black people, people of color, immigrants-- are jailed for nothing, which is just the system working as intended. historically, militias were only formalized into a police force when it came time to murder and attack people of color, ESPECIALLY in the case of slave catching. there is an entire department in the police force in my state that still shares a name with a slave catching group.

and that's just historically. in the modern day, the poor and unhoused, black people, indigenous people, other people of color, the severely mentally ill, and in some areas, lgbt people, make up the statistically disproportionately high percentage of american prisoners, and they certainly make up a higher proportion of solitary confinement (which has been outlawed in other countries and actively used for torture in the usa!) and those on death row. people who are the 'undesirables' make up the most of our prisons, and are the first to get murdered by police. in my state, just this month, a family was only just awarded money in damages for the police murder of their son six years ago that a major city here covered up. not some rural backwater town by a hillbilly cop-- one of the biggest metropolises in the state by a decorated officer. and do police do their job? do they stop sexual assaults? thefts? murders? hate crimes? no. often the police are the ones doing these things, and when they aren't, they are just there to do paperwork documenting what happened. this isn't the movies. most of them don't care, and the ones that do dont stay cops long. how many cases in this year alone have there been of schizophrenic people (often black) calling the police for help/getting a wellness check called on them, just to be murdered? or brutalized? police are on the side of the state, not you. there's a reason why i only share hotlines that DONT call the cops.

okay, so the history of policing is bad, and the vulnerable are being imprisoned and killed at disproportionate rates, but we need people to go to prison, right? so here is where religion comes into play for me. first, Jesus calls for us to protect the marginalized: the poor, unhoused, oppressed.... huh, the people most targeted by policing. then, Jesus calls for us to support the prisoner (Matthew 25:36-40) and to radically, radically forgive.

not to get too personal, but i was a victim of medical abuse as a teenager by a doctor who violated my rights and by all means should be in prison. but i don't want him to go to prison. should he face consequences? yeah. strip him of his license and make sure he never gets near patients again. but imprisoning him, placing him in a deeply corrupt system that constantly violates the rights of the people inside it and leaving him to rot? that's not radical forgiveness. that's not Christlike. our criminal justice system is NOT just. It's punitive. it is not focused on rehabilitation, community building, and harm reduction. it is focused on punishing. And who does that help? Not the victims of crimes, that's for sure. Not the community. Not the person in jail. It helps the STATE. Because prisoners are unpaid slave labor, and prisons can be used to beat down the undesirable and get them out of sight where they can be beaten into submission and quietly done away with. As long as prisons are used to punish instead of rehabilitate, build community, and reduce harm, they are a violation of human dignity and decency. and unfortunately, they never will be rehabilitation, community, and harm reduction focused, because a punitive system based on fear and violence gives the state (and corporations!) money and power.

if you would like to hear from people smarter than I, i have some (so many) books to recommend!

Are Prisons Obsolete? - Angela Y. Davis (anything by her, tbh)

Abolition for the People: The Movement For a Future without Policing and Prisons - Colin Kaepernick

Instead Of Prisons - Prison Research Education Action Project

Locked Down, Locked Out: Why Prison Doesn't Work and How We Can Do Better - Maya Schenwar

Until We Reckon: Violence, Mass Incarceration, and a Road to Repair - Danielle Sered

"Prisons Make Us Safer": And 20 Other Myths about Mass Incarceration - Victoria Law

We Keep Us Safe: Building Secure, Just, and Inclusive Communities - Zach Norris

Resist the Punitive State: Grassroots Struggles Across Welfare, Housing, Education and Prisons - Emily Luise Hart, Joe Greener, Rich Moth

PLEASE let me know if you have any questions!!

to be Christian is to be called to love, but to be Christian is also to be called to love the poor, the oppressed, the marginalized, and the imprisoned specifically and explicitly. To be Christian is to abolish police and prisons, because with these institutions the poor, the oppressed, the marginalized, and the imprisoned will never be free. We are called to make Heaven on Earth, and that includes doing away with institutions that enforce worldly shackles.

[xxxemilyg1996]

Happy dead dad day!

[2024skin]

It's fucked up that the sober population straight up ignores how a huge portion of addicts have chronic illnesses

[seafoam-taide]

You know I thought for awhile that I was just a rare type of person who sure, liked people well enough but was okay being alone didn't necessarily need anyone and NO. NO. NO. OH MY GOD . YOU GIANT DUMBASS. NO HAHAHA NOOO NOPE

[lilgynt]

my mom found the thing that started the fight that got me kicked out. so i was right. in my fantasies this happens and it’s great in real life im gonna jump her

[agentemo]

i have borderline personality disorder and i will not be showing you receipts

i deserve empathy for my disorder, not hatred or fear or demonization

i also don't expect a romantic partner to put up with my worst parts if they can't handle it, as much as that hurts to say and experience

[katyspersonal]

I used to take meds back then from autumn 2018 to autumn 2019. They were helping with paranoia, hyperactivity, impulsivity, anger issues, delusions, panic attacks, etc, you get the drill. They had good effects, such as me having been rather calm (to the point people were joking about how nothing could ever anger or scare me, lol), as well as more focused on writing or drawing things more than I've ever been in my life. But also they've made me so sleepy that I basically barely finished my last uni year when dozing off at every class, and I had a hard time providing the engaged, invested, "nerdy" conversations on every other topic like I do. I just quit them because not only being sleepy ALL the time would not let me work a job normally, but I also started to worry that I've been losing myself as a person. I was just so... detached and boring in conversations while medicated? Like you guys here know me as a person who is chronically like this:

But when I was medicated, it was far not this way. I was giving like... kinda tame and normie responses and thoughts, still excited but not TOO excited, etc. I am surprised that even while being a total slug on meds, I still had it in me to start fearing of losing my "eyes on the inside" xd

But I've been just thinking about stuff recently. I still loathe it when it is being handled like "you are a dangerous harmful monster that doesn't deserve compassion and trust and should be exciled from society", obvs, but the problem itself exists. I am kinda too intense, too much, too impulsive, my mood can drastically flicker within a second and flicker back just as fast. And I am paranoid. This year I even exhausted another paranoid person with being worse at it than them :/ (it always reminds me of a dream I had once, where Mic0lash of all people told me that I was "too crazy" for him fdshfh xD) I am extremely blessed to have friends and simply familiar people who accept and love me the way I am, but I am really starting to think that maybe I should delve back into it. That maybe something was wrong with the meds or the dose I used to be taking and I should try again. It is just really strange that being healthier would be able to "ruin" my passionate, nerdy, engaged personality. I've always been 'over the top' with how I think and with my creativity, even before any mental illness showed up, so sure it is just me and not any sort of positive symptom...? Like, clearly this is just my autism, not one of those other "mental illness" guys?

Well, all this talk is just in the scenario if I get enough financial stability to be able to afford monthly repackaging of meds. I am just having second thoughts on whether it is really a choice with no good option, and that maybe that previous doctor just made a mistake with prescriptions (could happen with anyone, even a professional). Or maybe I needed to demand trying something else but didn't. And I just assumed that "meds are a diabolic device to destroy a creative, nonconforming brain" (notice how it itself sounds a bit like a paranoid delusion, so clearly those meds were not quite helping with it lol). Not gonna lie, I am still scared that being calmer will kill the "real me", but at this point pain, paranoia and anger keep chopping away from my days and from my good experiences. And I can't control it.

But maybe I just should not have expected to hit the right way instantly, some people try out different meds for years before they find something that genuinely makes life better. Like maybe I got scared of how things have changed and gave up too soon, when I should have like, bugged doctor to try something else. I just want to believe that I don't have to choose between "being nerdy and engaged" and "stopping having panic/anger attacks that quite literally make me lose my mind". At least I gather enough optimism and benefit of the doubt to consider delving into it again, so there is something..