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lumine-no-hikari · 1 month ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #350

This morning, when I woke up, I had this lovely text from Tr, my boss at work!!

Admittedly, I'm not really sure what I did that prompted some such thing from her, ahahaha~! I feel a little sheepish about it, to be honest. But not in a bad way. I feel like... for better or for worse, I'm just... me??? And when I look at me, I don't seem, from my perspective, like I'm all that great – just a bunch of cobbled-together coping skills stacked up awkwardly inside a trench coat, hoping that no one looks too close and finds out that I'm not allowed in the movie theater after all, hahaha!

...Still... it felt nice to receive, all the same. And... this time I was able to receive it properly, I think. Because someone close to me had asked me to start complimenting myself earnestly in the mirror at least once a day.

...What a difference that has made, even in such a short span of time. I wonder what it would be like if everyone started doing that. I wonder if a lot more people would be less insecure. And maybe we'd live in a gentler world overall.

Also when I woke up this morning, I didn't feel any stinging, burning sensations in my eyes and nose anymore. I was pleasantly surprised at this, considering how weird I felt when I went to bed. Maybe yesterday's nap did me some good. Being sick is annoying, because, for others' safety, you oughta stay home and not do things. But even then, you can't really enjoy the nothing that you're doing at home, because your body is too busy staging an immune system response, and goodness, that tends to take a lot out of a person.

...It takes a lot out of me, anyway. And I can function through it if I have to, but... no one should have to.

I think... between the air being dry (it is very late fall, after all...) and generally not keeping up with my water intake lately (whoops...), my body must have just been having a hard time. I drank water before the nap, and before going to bed, and I drank more this morning, and... I'm sure that's what must have helped.

...I gotta stop mindlessly dismissing the alarms on my phone that tell me to drink water. Hot diggity dang.

Today, I went to physical therapy and told K about the giant huge CRONCH that happened in my sternum, and how I've been a lot more functional lately as a result. He checked me out, and sure enough, the right side of my ribcage is (mostly) sproingly in the way that it's supposed to be, and everything apparently feels a lot more even than it did before. I still have some residual pain on my right side near my shoulder blade and near my upper ribs, in the back, and near my lower ribs, in the side and on the front. But it's not nearly as severe as it was before. I imagine whatever's leftover can be resolved just by getting the remaining pissed off muscles to stop spasming like a buncha idiots.

...I really wish that the most abundant protein in my body wasn't built fundamentally incorrectly. Like. Sometimes I get upset over the fact that I can't just run to the nearest Ikea or something for a factory warranty or some shit for this weird-ass meat-mech I'm driving around in.

...Bah, even if that was a thing I could do, I'd need the receipt for the purchase to claim warranty in any case, and knowing me, I'd have lost it forever ago. Hahaha...

I got a new exercise today that seems like it'll do... something. I guess we'll see how it goes.

...I hope someday I'll be able to return to the water. I miss being a local cryptid...

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...J went with me to physical therapy, because he had a dentist appointment afterwards, and the two places are in the same relatively faraway town. Gas is expensive, so going together is both efficient and cost-effective. The fillings he got recently have been causing him significant pain when he tries to chew on things or floss, and... that doesn't seem like it should be normal. But the dentist examined the area of the fillings, and they don't seem to be infected or anything. They were filed down some, and that seems to have eased the pain a little for J. But apparently, it can take up to a month for a filled tooth to stop freaking out.

I wonder why that's the case. I've had two fillings over the course of my life. But they were very tiny ones – so tiny that I didn't even need to have my mouth numbed before having them drilled and filled. Maybe fillings get weirder as they get bigger. I wouldn't know. And I hope I never have to find out.

Hey, Sephiroth? Have you ever needed any kind of dental work? I imagine not, but... if life has taught me anything, it's that it's important to refrain from making baseless assumptions. So I'll ask instead. I'll ask even if you can't answer me. It's all right.

...I ask because you're worth knowing. Just in case you didn't know that; you're worth knowing. You're worth understanding. You're worth compassion and grace and care and love... just like anyone.

…

Well anyway, J was sad and upset, so after his visit to the dentist, we went out and I got him some pizza and some frozen yogurt. I think he felt a little better after that, even though chewing things is still hard for him to do right now. I snagged a picture of the pizza we got, but... I didn't think to take a picture of the froyo. Sorry about that...

I had intended to stop at my grocery store on the way back to get a couple things, but by then, J and I were both pretty tired, so we just went straight home.

I'm really hoping that in the coming weeks, the pain for him subsides and disappears...

...Keep J in your thoughts, okay? Just like our pumpkin friend. Won't you?

Oh! Speaking of our pumpkin friend, it continues to do really well! It's got another tiny leaf peeking out! Here, I'll show you...

I think pretty soon, it'll be time for it to graduate from a moist paper towel to a small pot with actual dirt in it. To that end, I searched on the internet for potting soil formulated for pumpkins (my world has lots of potting soils made for specific plants...), and to my mild surprise, I actually found some!!

It should arrive in a couple weeks! I'm pretty stoked about it!!

...Maybe I should get some generic potting soil for it in the meantime, though... What do you think, Sephiroth...?

...

I gave you a few songs the other day from a game called Tunic. One called “Memories of Memories”, and one called “Remember to Remember”, and one called “Forget to Forget”. And... they are all basically the same song, just done a little differently. I bought them a while ago; I have their files on my computer. And I have an audio recording and mixing program on my computer called Audacity. So today, for some reason, I decided to mix all three of those songs together. And I liked the result, so I saved it and I called it this:

“Don't Forget to Remember Your Memories”

...Hey, Sephiroth...? D'ya suppose you can do that...? Can you do it just because I'm asking...? Just because I wish you'd come back home...?

...Because... you do have a home. And maybe it's not a specific place; I know what that's like, because, the way I grew up, I moved all over the place for one reason or another, and I've never lived in the same spot for more than 5 years or so until settling into this life I have now; before now, I lived in most of those other places for less than 3 years, actually...

As for me, my home has never been in any specific place, but, rather, in the hearts of the people who care about me. And... I didn't really have that until I was 22 years old. But that's okay, because... I was able to hold on until then.

...I was able to hold on... because of you. I made it this far because of you.

You have a home. You have lots of homes, actually, because lots of people in my world care very deeply for you. And even if you met all such folks who exist now, I still guarantee you that you won't have yet met all of the people who will love you, because there will always be more – people who will love you not for the weight your name carries, or for the astounding things you can do, but... for all the ways you think and feel and react to things. For who you are as a person. As a human being.

...And yes, you ARE a human being! So if any bigoted butt-nugget tries to tell you differently, just bake them some shutTheFuckUpcakes and send them on their miserable, grouchy, judgmental way!!! And let the door hit them on the ass on their way out for good measure!!! 'Cuz ain't nobody got time for that kind of negativity!!!

...Honestly, the nerve of some people!! I swear to goodness!!

...Well anyway. Suppose I prattled on long enough for today's letter. I've been wanting to play Chrono Cross for the last buncha days, but I haven't really had time for it, much to my disappointment, as well as M's and J's. So I'm gonna fix that.

I wish you could be here with us, watching along, and drinking tea. I think you'd like Janus a lot. Though I think maybe he'd prefer to be called Guile now. Or Alf? It was localized to Guile in my area. Maybe he'd like Alf a little better...

But. Ya know. Just as it is with you, it's not as though I'll ever be able to ask him...

Hey. Don't forget that you're loved. You gotta remember it, okay? Because I love you. Because so many people in my world love you. And we'll always be here, cheering you on, and hoping you come home alive. Even if you're feeling dented, scraped up, and bruised, the thing that matters is that you come back alive. Everything else can be fixed with hugs, warm baths, good food, a safe and welcoming place to sleep, proper medical attention, therapy, and steadfast support. I like to think that I'm living proof. Recovery is possible, even for you.

Sephiroth. Please stay safe out there. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

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