#Dumbest Criminal

[oldbutnotyetwise]

The Dumbest Criminal I Ever Arrested

     When you spend thirty one years arresting people you are bound to meet some brilliant criminals.  The story that follows is definitely not about one of them.

     I had only been on the job for a year or two so I would frequently be sent to calls that were different than any I had ever been to before.  It was the late 80’s and a few days before Christmas when I was dispatched for a Theft Report at an apartment in the east end of the city.  I arrived at the four storey brick building and proceeded to the basement apartment I had been sent to.  

     After knocking on the door it was quickly answered by young man around 24 years old who was in obvious distress.  I hadn’t even made it all the way into the apartment when he told me, “I can prove it, I have evidence.  I saved the condom, it’s in the toilet”.  Let’s call him Joe.  Even as a young officer I was having trouble connecting the dots in my head.  There has been a theft, there is a used condom in his toilet, what has been stolen? I must admit that Joe seemed a little disappointed in me when I declined to seize the used condom as evidence.

     I managed to get Joe calmed down and seated on his couch beside his Christmas Tree which was fully decorated with sparkling lights and tinsel.  He then proceeded to tell me the story of this theft which had him so upset.

     Earlier in the evening Joe had found himself feeling a little lonely so he decided to call Teddy Bear Escort Service and order himself a little company.  A while after he made the call there was a knock on the door, he payed the driver $160 the driver then left, while the female came in for a one hour visit.  Let’s call her Destiny.

     Now Joe decided he wanted to impress his new friend and showed her his fancy watch that was on the night table beside the bed.  He told her about how expensive it was and that he had just gotten it.  Joe felt it was important to make a good impression on Destiny.

     In Joe’s mind I’m sure he felt Destiny was impressed, Joe and Destiny then did what escorts and their clients normally do.  I’m sure in Joe’s mind it was amazing, in Destiny’s mind maybe a little less so.

     After the business transaction was complete Destiny got up from the bed and went into the bathroom to freshen up.  When she came out Joe went into the bathroom where he disposed of his vital piece of evidence, the condom in the toilet.  

     Joe strutted out of the bathroom to find his new friend Destiny was fully dressed and just going out his front door.  Joe was disappointed to see his new friend leave so soon.  

     Joe wandered over and sat down on his bed, savouring in the afterglow, and that’s when it happened.  Joe looked over and saw the empty spot on his night table where his watch had been.  Panic set in, how could this happen to him?  Joe being the deep thinker that he was did the only thing he could think of doing.  He called the Police  and reported the theft of his watch.

     I sat there thinking about the bizarreness of this call, definitely not something we had covered at Police College.  So I called up  Teddy Bear Escorts and told them who I was and that I wanted to speak to the woman they had just sent to the address.  The woman on the phone told me that they had most certainly not sent anyone there.  I then explained that I didn’t care why the woman had been sent there, that I was investigating a theft and that was where my interest ended.  There was a pause and then she said she would have her phone me.

     I had some time on my hands waiting for Destiny to call me back,  so I checked Joe through the Police Computer system and found that he had an Outstanding Warrant for Failing to Appear in Court.  Being the conscientious officer that I was I arrested Joe on the Outstanding Warrant and transported him to the Police Holding Cells.

     At the station Destiny called me back and I could sense how annoyed she was.  She explained that she attends far nicer homes than Joe’s, and that she certainly didn’t steal his stupid watch. 

     I had lodged Joe in the cells and was getting ready to leave when the Custody Officer told me I had another phone call.  I took the phone and spoke with Joe’s brother who asked that I tell Joe that he had found the watch, it had fallen off the night table and was on the floor beside the bed.  I went down to Joe’s Cell to give him the happy news, but it seemed that this update just depressed him more.

     Now I would like to fast forward about twenty years, I am now working as a Detective at the downtown station.  I was called to the front desk for an Extortion, a wife stood there and as soon as my partner and I introduced ourselves the wife who was quite clearly furious turned and stormed out.  The husband who looked like a beaten puppy remained there with us.  Let’s call him Fred.

     Fred then told us about his morning.  After working night shift at a local factory he was driving home when he saw a woman standing on a street corner who caught his eye.  Circling the block he stopped to chat with this lady and they came to a, let’s say an agreement.  This lady got into Fred’s car and they went and parked somewhere for a while.  After spending time together Fred dropped his lady friend off and continued on home to his wife.  Unbeknownst to Fred, when his pants had been around his ankles his new friend was, among other things, stealing his wallet from his pants.

     Upon arriving home Fred was met by his very angry wife, apparently after dropping his new friend off his friend had called the number in the wallet and left the message with his wife that if he wanted his wallet back he had to bring $500. to a downtown street corner at a prearranged time.  

     We sent a Police Officer to the meet pretending to be Fred, a guy showed up with the wallet looking to collect the $500 and was arrested for Extortion.  We took him down to Custody where I explained that the minimum penalty for extortion was 5 years in jail, the maximum was life in prison.  I suggested to him that this was pretty stupid and that maybe he should reconsider his life of crime.  He then told me, “You think this is stupid, let me tell you about this other time I was arrested”.  He then told me that so familiar story that I shared with you above, yes Joe and I met once again.  I shared with Joe that I was the officer that had arrested him all those years ago in his apartment.  We both chuckled over that.  Some criminals do learn and get better at their criminal pursuits, Joe apparently did not.  Joe was the dumbest criminal I ever arrested…..Twice.

[harborpointeblvd]

So he wore gloves to write the ransom letter, but delivered it with his bare hands?

[ropes3amthoughts]

I’m so glad I watched Arcane because I got like 3 posts that were full of gifs of Caitlyn and Vi kissing on my dash in a row and if I hadn’t just watched it I would’ve gotten spoiled lmao

[choppedcowboydinosaur]

People talk about police brutality but not so much about prosecutor abuse. Prosecutors do so much heinous shit and get away with it. It’s unbelievable.

[just-an-enby-lemon]

Cluemaster: Hey, bro, I know I never call...

Kiteman: You did drunk call me that one time.

Cluemaster: I already said I was sorry for spreading around that you were in love with your kite and calling you to brag about it. As you said I was hella drunk and angry your weird ass podcast somehow now has the same level of fans as my old gameshow. Who the fuck cares that much about kites? Or C list vilany?

Kiteman: Did you just call to remind me why I hate you?

Cluemaster: Of course not, Chucky boy, your my favorite lil bro.

Kiteman: Arthur... I'm your only brother.

Cluemaster: Yeah? You're still my favorite.

Kiteman: Okay. Fine. What do you want?

Cluemaster: You're good with kids right?

Kiteman: Oh do you want me to babysit little Steph? I haven't see her since she was a baby! That'll be soo much fun!

Cluemaster: Oh, no, no. She is too old for a babysitter. I kindda called 'cause I need your advice.

Kiteman: Sure. Go on.

Cluemaster: How would you stop a prank war between your teen daugther and your bussiness partner that happens to be living at your house?

Kiteman: Woah. Define prank war?

Cluemaster: Like they just being annoying with each other... like non-stop Shrek music and painting one of her walls green?

Kiteman: Are you working with a child, Artie?

Cluemaster: No. Childrem are not really good at puzzle robberies.

Kiteman: So who the hell is in a prank war with your fourteen year old daugther? Is it that Polka Dot weirdo?

Cluemaster: ... Riddler.

Kiteman: Be honest, Arthur.

Cluemaster: I am!

Kiteman: Why the fuck would he work with you? Didn't he like was brought on to one of your trials and tried to sue you for being a copycat?

Cluemaster: No idea. I don't really remember all my trials.

Kiteman: Fair. Still isn't he like an actual treat? Like Batman actually tries to be always involved in his crimes instead of just sending a Robin or a cop kindda treat? Or hangs out with Cooblepot and Harley Quinn and fucking Catwoman and even Scarecrow and Joker kindda treat?

Cluemaster: Yes, so what?

Kiteman: He is waaay above your league. How the fuck do you got him to work with you?

Cluemaster: He is working for me because he recognizes my genius.

Kiteman: *sarcasm* Yeah, sure. At least it explains why I've been hearing that your plans don't totally suck anymore.

Cluemaster: Will you help me or not?

Kiteman: Anything for little Steph. But seriusly bro, the guy is a mentally instable killer, he is real Arkham loonie, A-lister and all this shit are you sure is safe to have him living with you? Specially if he and Stephanie are fighting!? She is just a kid! What if this prank war thing escalates and next thing she is in saw type death trap or something?

Cluemaster: Well than help me not to! I can't just kick him out, do you know how much I've been proffiting later?

Kiteman: And also he is an instable killer that used to hate you and wouldn't react well to being kicked out?

Cluemaster: Yeah, this too. Look I think you're overestimating the guy. He is smart and all and he can take a punch but I could take him out real easy in a one on one. He screamed like a little girl when he found a roach in the kitchem. I think I'll be fine.

Kiteman: Sure, you do you.... Maybe.... you could just.... help them find something they have in common? A TV show they like or something. It used yo work with us. They will bond over the thing and forget they hate each other for a bit.

Cluemaster: See was it that hard to help me?

*Chuck hangs up*

[Three months later]

Cluemaster: Chuck! I need help!

Kiteman: Can you call in another time? I'm bowlling with the guys, Calendar Man and Condiment King cannot win a second time, one weird rap about their love conquering all was ENOUGHT.

Cluemaster: Is about the whole prank war between Nygma and Stephanie thing.

Kiteman: Oh. So I guess my advice didn't work.

Cluemaster: No, no, it did. It worked way to well actually.

Kiteman: *worried* That sounds bad.

Cluemaster: Yeah... it happened that the thing they had in common was that they really hate me.

[galacticneighbor]

we are taking deep breaths. we are surrendering to the whims of the universe. we are understanding that our problems cannot be solved at 9 PM local time/2 AM us time. we are remembering that we haven't eaten in 9 hours and we are ordering a veggie burger on ubereats.

[mantisgodsdomain]

Asks for the Random Character Asks

Marigold: 12, 13, 15

(for this ask game)

12. Crack headcanon

The reason she has so many flowers in her mane is because she fucked up with a transmutation early on and rooted them in there and her mentor Didn't Help At All so now they're just stuck in there as a permanent part of her body.

15. Worst thing they've ever done

As previously mentioned, "worst thing they've ever done" is ridiculously hard to define and extremely subjective at best. For Marigold specifically, it's even harder to define than most. She... doesn't do really things directly, after all.

She's a catalyst, and though she acts to make the situation immediately worse, she generally has little interference beyond that. She's an observer, not a direct actor, she's an alchemist, not a poison-brewer - part of what makes her so difficult to pin down and immune to consequence is that unless it's to gather test subjects for raw field data, she's almost certainly just... not acting directly. There's a medium. An in-between. A client, somewhere along the line, asking for her charms.

Though the "what they would think of when asked the question" question might work under normal circumstances, Marigold is an exception to the rule - as previously mentioned, she would not personally consider any of her actions to be immoral. She's done things that weren't amazing, of course, but it's not like she'd consider herself a bad person - just someone with professional pride. You wouldn't expect her to offer a subpar product to a customer, would you?

Beyond that, there's the issue of pinning down a single individual case. Marigold isn't a... "one and done" kind of villain, she gains the sort of status she has from low-profile but consistent evils. She doesn't do anything obvious, she doesn't do anything that can be pinned on her - people disappear, and monsters turn up after, and if they're especially valuable or they survive the period it takes for the transmutation to settle in their bones, she'll trap them somewhere to harvest for more transmutation-fuelling parts later.

That, of course, could be considered a "worst" - but it's still not one single thing you can point to. It's dozens and dozens of things, spread out over years of activity, people who mysteriously vanish off the streets and never turn up again. There is no single monolith of evil that can be pointed to, because Marigold isn't the kind of evil that does big gestures like that. Just... a slow, steady flow of charms into hands that do harm with them, combined with a slow, steady flow of people who leave their homes and don't come back.

...if we had to choose it would probably be something along the lines of experimenting on prisoners provided via negotiations with criminal factions and then bargaining with the factions those prisoners were taken from to sell them back already transmuted into monstrous forms and entirely incapable of resuming their previous lives. She got paid by both sides for it, both for developing specified new strains of transmutative on the prisoners and for returning them to their original faction. The client didn't specify what to do with them after they'd served their purpose, after all.

13. Dumbest thing they’ve ever done

Well! This one's very nearly a Story.

A fun fact about charms: they're not always perfectly consistent, especially if you're making new ones. That's why you test them before applying them to paying customers. That's why you take a constant flow of people unlikely to be missed for experiments. That's why you do experiments in the first place. If something goes wrong, then you need to know what to fix it, and if an unexpected variable throws the experiment-

Well. It could go very, very wrong, or very, very right. But you never turn your back on the experiment. You never assume you know what will happen next until it's good and tested, you never assume things will work out until you're 100% sure, you never assume that nothing can possible go wrong - Marigold knows this, of course, and she acts accordingly. Lab safety is a priority, not an afterthought. When the things you're working with might kill you if it breaks containment, you never leave things up to chance. It's simple safety precautions. Nothing ever up to chance. Nothing ever allowed to fail. And if anything were to fail - well, you being on-hand gives the best possible chance of getting things back under control.

And then, of course, someone comes calling at the door. You're too early into the experiment to excuse watching it as a delay, of course, and you know they know you're home - you mentioned you'd be home just the other day, after all. Reputation is valuable, and the monitoring built into the cage will work just as well, won't it? It might need a few more trials, but you can't really afford to be rude, and you especially can't afford them coming to find you - these parts of your lab are blocked off to guests for a reason, and you can't simply disappear a guest to your house.

Surely, it won't do any harm to leave it for just a few minutes. Surely, it'll mean nothing to leave the transmutation to finish unattended. You return back downstairs not more than five minutes after you left, ready to finish what you started.

The cage is open.

[tea-cat-arts]

Anyone know if someone has edited Mest’s face bouncing around the screen like the Microsoft idle animation while “you ruin everything, you stupid bitch” plays in the background?

And if one of y’all decide to make it, can you please tag me

[jaythelay]

Dump wants to hold an awards gala for J6th rioters and...

Let him?

Let him.

Let's see how many come out of the wood works, face uncovered, for a small chance of being seen by Dump.

Let him.

Let. Him.

[officermaddie23]

Yeah these criminals are dumb

[mx-paint]

The wildest shit is when you criticize the prison "justice" system for Anything, and you'll always *always* get the boot deepthroaters that go "DON'T LIKE HOW WE APPROVE OF MODERN SLAVERY??? LEAVE!!"/"IF YOU THINK THAT THESE CRIMINALS HAVE A RIGHT TO A TRIAL THEN YOU CAN TAKE THEM!!" as if there isn't the fucking chance fate can turn around and put them right next to them, no trial and all.

[propicsmedia]

Top Dumbest Criminals www.truecrimeandjusticeyv.com #dumbestcriminals #d.. Top Dumbest Criminals www.truecrimeandjusticeyv.com #dumbestcriminals #dumbcrimes #stupidcriminals Check out the NEW True Crime and Justice TV Channel Streaming on most platforms and devices www.truecrimeandjusticetv.com #truecrimeguys  #justice  #truecrimeandjustice #environment  #crimes  #top10  #environmentalcrime #criminals  #crimetv  #truecrimetv #realcrimetv #realcrimestory  #ott  #vod  #Freestreaming #streaming  #streamingtv #celebrities #celebritycrimes .

[unknownmads]

CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT INMATE TOJI AND CUTE LITTLE Y/N WHOS SO NAIVE TO BIG BAD TOJI

CW: Slight smut (mentions of his pp🤭)

☆☆☆

thinking about Prison toji who you met when your college has you do a little project in your criminal psychology class. The project was make a penpal get to know them ask why they are in prision, what their lives before was like, do they regret what they did etc. basic questions of course all you had to do was get the most information out of the penpal about their personal lives as you could.

Prison Toji who only signed up for the program because it was part of his latest court order saying he ‘needed more understanding’ so a penpal would give him a friend while they stay safe😭 he ofc hated the idea and thought it was the dumbest shit ever. until he got his first letter, from you (duh).

Prison toji who got mail for the first time and it was a little white envelope with a cute little sticker sealing it. He deadpanned *is my penpal an idiot these letters are for a prison not a daycare* he silently judges examining every detail as he opened the letter. i read the letter taking in every little personal detail you shared with him, your cute little name, how you loved your cat, how you’re new to the city only just moving for school, of course the boring questions for him as well. But at the very end of the letter he noticed an extra little note.

Ps. i left a few photos of myself along with some of my cat! i think it’s only fair since i got to see your photo on the website

Prison toji who grabs the envelope he previously had thrown to the side and pulls out 3 polaroids. One of you and probably your cat you’re dragging it into the photo with a big grin on your face. the second is a photo of your face a soft smile on your lips meant for whoever took the photo but Toji couldn’t help but wonder if that little smile was for him. Until he pulls out the third photo it’s a full view of you, you’re out in the city dressed all out, and Toji couldn’t help but know you chose that photo just for him.

Prison Toji who can’t wait to finally get some alone time so he can truly appreciate your pretty photos. And immediately goes to write you back answering all your cute little questions. Telling you where he lived before, how he ended up there, telling you what he did for work before (Surprise he sold drugs😍), telling you what he does to occupy his time here (he works out he just wanted an excuse to tell you how strong he is), and he asks you some questions.

Prison Toji who has been relentlessly flirting with since you started writing to him, asking if you had a boyfriend, how your school was going, why you moved to the city, how a cute lil thing like you is still single. You had been writing each other for a few weeks now which is a lot less than you think when you know how long mail takes. But your letters to each other are long. answering every little thing each other asks, learning about one another more and more. You had really connected so you finally ask him the big question he read the words as clear as day.

~Do you think i could come pay you a visit? ~

Prison Toji who had to immediately write back answering the most important question first.

~ And doll, you can come visit me anytime id love to finally meet you and see your pretty face in person~

he wanted to be nonchalant.

Prison Toji who was sitting in bed looking at your photos when he was called

“Zenin, you’ve got a visitor. away from the door.”

Prison Toji silently followed standing on the other side of the cell while the guard came in to handcuff him and bring him to the visiting area. Once he was in the room his cuffs connecting him to the table he waited. until he heard the door open again. He felt his cock twitch in his pants as he saw the guard guide you in. You were wide eyed taking in the new environment until they landed on him.

Prison Toji was large, you knew he was tall and muscular thanks to his letters and photo but nothing could have prepared you for the real deal. Eyes widening even more when you fully take him in. seated At the grey metal table his hands on the table as the guard had told him to. his hair poking at his eyes which were staring drinking you in. his lip in a smirk helping you notice the scar on it which you couldn’t really see from the grainy prison photos. His shirt stretched against his muscles showing off a few tattoos hidden along his skin. the view making you squeeze your thighs together to release some of the pressure building.

Prison Toji who took in as much of you as he could as he watched you shuffle into your seat across from him, enjoying how you squirmed slightly within his gaze, his smirk growing into an almost full smile.

“hey doll it’s good to finally meet you.”

[squirrelno2]

Watching A New Hope because what better way to kill time when stuck in an airport for eons and the guy in the cantina says "I have the death sentence in twelve star systems"

And I am apparently really far gone for my ocs because my thought was "Shiny/Ven when she's a teenager trying too hard to sound intimidating"