#Cover You in Oil

[elodieunderglass]

(Inspired by a conversation with NAMELESS FRIEND saying they found Killie sexy and wanted X Reader fic and I was like BABE?? YOUR JUDGEMENT?)

Pairing: Killie x Reader (any gender)

✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞

Killie’s horrible little smoker’s cough has taken on a new quality. After careful consideration, you decide that it sounds like someone taking a bladed implement to a piece of meat. A machete, maybe?

“What’s that cough?” You ask, interested from an anthropological perspective. Killie looks up at you quickly, like a small, wet creature that lives in a sewer peering up at an unexpected visitation from the outside world. A rat, maybe, with black shiny eyes, or an alligator.

“Nothing,” he says, although it being Killie sounds more like “nrtn,” and performs a disappearing act, like the Cheshire Cat, but without leaving a smile hanging in the air. He’s off to ride five races in the soaking mist, a completely normal thing to do.

✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞

In bed that night, you make a friendly pass at Killie, who coughs like Gollum trying to swallow a live squirrel. You tell him this. He looks at you, hollow-cheeked and burning-eyed like a medieval saint, and says “Colm’s vegetarian. Isn’t he?”

“Is he?” You say, before remembering not to follow Killie when he tries to distract you. “Hey. You need a doctor.”

In response he only hacks up a lung- Gollum has the advantage, but the squirrel isn’t making it easy - and regaining his composure, tracks back to the beginning of the conversation. The effort is gallant. “Didja want to have sex, then?”

✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞

The mention of Colm has given you an idea, and you manage to find out that he’s on one of his mysterious peregrinations around England with a horsebox. The stars align, and he comes by at your request, and interprets the rest of your request as “drop on Killie with the smooth inevitability of a landslide, wrap him in a bedsheet, roll him up and bundle him into one of the stalls of the horsebox.”

In the passenger seat of the very disreputable Land Rover you admit to being slightly impressed by his technique (is this what he does with horses? What does Colm DO, anyway?)

Colm nods peaceably, giving the impression that it’s no trouble.

Carrying the conversational torch, you comment on Colm’s heavy foot on the accelerator. He looks at you with a completely different species of drowned-animal reproach than his brother - Colm’s long-lashed eyes being more like a fawn sacrificed to a peat bog - and taps the speedometer.

“We have to be above forty miles per hour?” you interpret, cleverly. “Why?”

Colm looks at you.

You look at Colm.

“He wouldn’t jump out,” you say, reasonably.

Colm looks at you.

“He wouldn’t jump out,” you say again.

Colm sighs as he’s forced to decelerate for an amber light. His eyes flicker to the rear mirror.

There’s a quite small but proportionally fierce thump.

“FUCK,” you say.

✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞ ✧༺༻∞

Later that day, in possession of a Killie and his newly diagnosed pneumonia and his antibiotics in a brown paper bag, you meaningfully load a child’s medicine syringe with chicken broth and then menace him with it, significantly; until he eats the chicken broth himself with a spoon, essentially at gunpoint.

Killie coughs. His cheekbones show the shape of his skull, and the shadows in their hollows are faintly stained lilac.

“Sorry,” he said. “I know you wanted to have sex.”

You look at him fondly. Killie has got to be the least sexy thing the world has ever seen at the best of times, and right now he is worse. “I can’t imagine what gets into me,” you say. “That’s not a sensible thing to want at all.”

[keyslox]

doodles them when I got back from work hurray!

(referenced a pose by @/albanenechi btw!)

[meirimerens]

(wip) check out this guy’s musculature before the body hair I’m giving him covers the delicate smudge of that HB pencil brush

[pewpop]

is this ooc? idk and I don't care

[johnnyshrine]

★ 060 // “Oil Pastel Sgraffito”

[keywiitree]

Double blogging Monday

Oh Dracula woof what do you see with you dog style eyes

[pasta-pardner]

spotify | john marston's revenge quest, set to music from 1960s spaghetti westerns.

Fun detail: the opening cutscene for Red Dead Revolver (2004) features an instrumental version of "His Name Is King". The lyrical version is oddly fitting for John, given that it's a song about seeking vengeance for a dead brother.

[sulfies]

DESMOND, WHERE IS YOU HAND GOING 👀

In his defence, Thats the only SOLID 🤭place he can get a hold on, in that position ;9

even better, If i stuck 100% to the Reference Pic Ezio’ s hand would have been in Desmond’s pants grabbing his ass too but I couldnt sketch out how to make it read nicely while drawing it and chose to keep my sanity:,(

and yes that is a totally legal Turkish oil wrestling moves for both… My national sport🫡

[spineless-lobster]

The Captain looking like a kicked puppy in Carpe Diem, a compilation:

Someone help him :(

[constantvariations]

I have been trying ever since I first watched rwby to picture canon Tauradonna. The dates they'd go on, the hobbies they'd share, what intimacies they'd indulge

And I can't

There's just no romantic chemistry between them no matter how many "my darlings" the writers throw in last minute. While each character have qualities that make them attractive, there's nothing that truly shows why or how they're attracted to each other

Hell, the only answer the comics can give for why Blake was into Adam was the "I can fix him" mentality, which. Gross, but that's still more than anything we get for why Adam likes Blake. Maybe they both like sushi? She just fights real good? Who knows, man

As individuals, I can gleam an idea of the kind of lovers they'd be, but together? Does not compute

[faksyan]

Kaz and Ocelot's dynamic during the nine year gap is like of a cheetah that's on the brink of extinction held in captivity and the dog they gave it so it wouldn't feel lonely except the dog is insane and bites people for fun does this make sense.

[my-catsface]

Cat’s Mac and Parasite Water Recipe (Experience)

Hello. I’m cat. Welcome back to my first addition of fucked up food recipes.

I have quite a history of doing stuff like this, and unfortunately I never learn my lesson. That being said, let’s get to it.

Fair warning: this comes with pictures. While none of them are inherently bad there are some of these that you could look at and go “yeah I would actually throw up if I didn’t know what that was” so be warned this isn’t just a food crime it’s a gross food crime.

I used chocolate almond milk because I’m lactose intolerant and I’m using Mac and cheese because I don’t really give a fuck about that.

The sprite is there because chocolate sprilk is one of my favorite drinks (I cannot recommend it to anyone even if my heart was full of malice), so the thought came to me. Why not try chocolate sprilk Mac and cheese?

Milk makes Mac and cheese creamier, and who knows what the sprite would do! So it’s an experiment.

I decided to start the dish with chocolate milk instead of water, filling THAT to the line.

I could have definitely added sprite in at this stage, but honestly I wasn’t sure if carbonation would act right in the microwave, and I figured I could always try it different another time. I also thought maybe warm sprite would be the worse alternative to “lukewarm sprite mixed with warm milk” but I’m making a dish i called Mac and Parasite Water so what do I know.

Big mistake I didn’t account for. You can’t just put chocolate milk into the microwave for three and a half minutes. Apparently it rises and overflows. Anyone with even a shred of common sense may have anticipated this, but I am not a smart person (I’m making this dish after all).

What I ended up doing from here was watching the microwave and deciding to open it if it overflowed again. Most of it was done spilling out so I let it continue for about a minute and a half and took it out at the end (cleaned the microwave after).

I will say this was probably one of the peaks to this little project of madness. The smell? The smell in my room was SO good. Go figure warm chocolate would smell good but NO. No this was beautiful. Amazing. It just reinforced that what I was doing was good and just, and in that sense it was a siren.

Anyway from here I just sort of mixed the Mac and cheese around and let it take in the chocolate milk. Still emboldened by the smell of warm chocolate, I thought to continue.

Here I did actually do a little taste test just because I was curious, and honestly it was a little underwhelming.

The best way I can describe it is like… processed something. There was some richness to it with the chocolate, sure, but it really was just still processed noodles. It’s like if you rolled honey into playdough until it was a jam (if you squint) and spread that out on wheat bread. That’s kind of what it tasted like and I would know because that’s also something I’ve done.

At this point… I added the cheese.

Now. The first thought that struck me when I was done mixing it was “god damn this looks awful.” The second thought that struck me was “you know, this place actually feeds me if I really want food.” My final thought was “I wonder what the cheese will look like.” The answer?

UNHOLY MUCUS. Not the most unappetizing looking thing I’ve ever eaten but GOD DAMN it was CLOSE!! It was certainly CLOSE.

There’s many words that would be good here. Goo. Sludge. Goop. Muck. Grime. The word I will choose to use is “slime” because it strikes close to my heart.

I was in too deep. My smoke was too tough. If I didn’t eat this, They’d kill me. So I took a bite.

I say this with no ounce of exaggeration: It was GOOD. It was REALLY GOOD. The milk almost entirely covered up all the processed part of the cheese, and the cheese itself covered up the weird processed flavor of the noodles. The texture was absolutely top notch, too.

I would genuinely, GENUINELY, eat this again. In fact, I took three whole taste test bites as opposed to the singular one I was planning to take. It was so good I was almost worried about continuing with adding sprite. But I’m not one to back down from a challenge nobody imposed upon me, so I trudged on.

I added the sprite.

I added the sprite up to the top of the Mac and cheese itself and suddenly my meal was very… very angry at me. I almost apologized to it, but it would have been hollow. But I didn’t feel anything. If meals can be made with love, this meal was not made with that. It wasn’t made with hate, though. No. This meal was made with morbid curiosity. This meal was made with divine hubris. I knew before I took a single bite that I had poisoned my ambrosia.

I wanted to discard it, to cast it away. It would be my monster and I it’s Frankenstein. Alternatively it would be my ai daughter thing and I it’s Ayin Lobotomy Corporation. But I’m not a fan of waste so I continued. I took a bite.

The taste? The taste was… bad. It was awful. I couldn’t even believe it was the same dish. It was like an acidic pond. The sprite overpowered both flavors and took the reins, beating the cheese and the milk into submission for its dominance. I took a bite and it tasted like penitence for all the sins I haven’t yet made. If there is a God, then there is his devil. And if there is a devil, this is what he eats. I have experienced a great fall from the light, and I wish nothing more than to be allowed to climb up and embrace it again.

I wanted to pray. But I knew mercy had closed its ears and wailed.

Once I ate the rest of the noodles I was suddenly made aware of my newest problem. The broth. As the milk and cheese mostly stuck to the noodles themselves, I was getting mostly noodles, cheese, milk, and whatever sprite my spoon picked up. That meant that for the most part my meal really was just the noodles.

No longer.

Now I was left with the reason this dish has gained its name. Look upon my next picture with horror, I beg of you.

The remnant powder of the cheese was just… left there. Sitting. Sitting in a bowl of chocolate milk and sprite and tears. I realized I had to drink this. I looked at the same thing you’re looking at now and I realized I needed to DRINK that.

Thats about when the meal got its name. Gazing at my unlovable child I decided then and there that it looked like it would give me horrible unthinkable internal parasites. That’s what the little spots of cheese reminded me of. (Another contender was mold brew!) But I don’t like to waste things. I needed to drink it.

So I did. I took the cup, pinched it in on itself to make two points, and lifted one to my lips. I raised the cup up quickly, just desperate to get it over with.

In it went. Almost smoothly. And what did it taste like?

Nothing.

Even water has a taste. Even chocolate sprilk itself has A Taste. This thing? The parasite water itself? No taste. Nothing there. It was almost… disappointing. I even swished it around in my mouth for a bit to try and get SOMETHING. But it was for naught.

My meal ended. It experienced life and death the same way that I would, and yet I think myself better than it.

Nyaaa~ time for the ending notes!

Wow that meal certainly Was! For anyone who wants to make this I would honestly recommend losing the sprite part of it and just making chocolate Mac and cheese.

It was honestly really good at that point and I’d say it was a really big highlight! SO.

If you make this forget the sprite, and ALSO either use less milk in the microwave or monitor it more closely than I did so that you don’t have any spillage (or do exactly what I did and just be ready for some paper towels.

[leopardette]

Got motor oil on my swimsuit in like august and somehow its still coming out the fabric despite the fact that I tried literally everything I could to get it out. Also its my only swimsuit I only have one so I need this to not happen but it will be okay 🍭❄️🎂 I hate shopping though so sneak me into ur prayers if u can

[poltergeist-coffee]

to me sunny seems like the kind of girl who would film tiktoks and ask tubbo to be in them with her. this goes for all her parents actually i think she is going to teach them random silly dances and they are going to like it

[giddlygoat]

my god sits in the back of the limousine

squeaky clean and transparent versions teehee

[sp-growingpains]

Bouncing wildly between calling customers Sugar like the soulful Southern Woman I was born to be; and Dude like the Bill and Ted knockoff I was raised to be.