#i don’t think i’ve ever been so motivated to work on a piece consistently until it was finished gotdamn !!!!!

[giddlygoat]

my god sits in the back of the limousine

squeaky clean and transparent versions teehee

[pawfulofwaffles]

What do you think your first ever special interest was? And if you can and want to, please info dump about it.

Infodumping you say? Oh, I’ll give you info dumping(this wasn’t supposed to be long HELP-)

(this is just a lot of artwork and text of me talking about Five Nights at Freddy’s. Don’t follow me for Five Nights at Freddy’s content, I don’t draw FNAF content anymore, maybe one day but not now, sorry)

So a lot of my hyperfixations double as special interests, the first one being no different. I’ve had fixations before, but none of them hit me quite like the horror game Five Nights at Freddy’s.

I know it goes back to 1st grade because I recall working on a project in 1st grade with this other kid who liked FNAF, and I remember very well that he told me that Golden Freddy couldn’t speak because he ate a guy and… the guy got wedged in his throat apparently??

Despite the obsession starting in 1st grade, I didn’t start drawing FNAF until 2nd grade. I have art from 2nd grade but I don’t know where it is, so the best thing I can give you is this one piece of art from 3rd grade,

And this art from 4th and 5th.

I also started a comic series in 4th grade called Foxy Fox.

I went under the pen name “Foxy Fox”, and Foxy was altered in the story to not be a pirate and to be female. Basically, I unknowingly made a Foxy kinsona. They started as QnAs, but then got an actual story of their own after book 6. There are 12 books in the main series, and around 10 side stories. I stopped writing them sometime last year because nobody was reading them anymore. I mean, nobody had been reading them ever since 6th grade, but for some reason I didn’t stop until 8th. To be fair, I was heavily obsessed, but I eventually ran out of motivation when nobody was there to read them.

I think what intrigued me so much was the whole deal with them wanting revenge on William. I have this thing where I love “character does something wrong, regrets it, victims get revenge” and also I loved woobifying villains… uhhh William was very woobified, it was really bad lol

To give you a rundown of the main idea of Foxy Fox, in the 4th book they find an unconscious yellow rabbit animatronic and they’re like “oh neat new friend” and then later he wakes up and kind of freaks out for a second but then he’s like “oh you guys are chill I’m Springtrap btw lol” and then Goldie sees him and is like “I LEFT YOU FOR DEAD WHAT-“ (except super quietly under his breath so only the audience can hear… I wanted to make it subtle that Springtrap was William, but I did not make it subtle) so basically, the whole thing was it was Springtrap becoming part of the gang with only Goldie knowing, and Goldie wasn’t telling because he knew it would hurt Springtrap more if he grew attached to everyone as friends only for Goldie to tell everyone.

And apparently this stupid plot gave me 6 years of obsession… damn.

I may be good at writing a lot, but I am not good at making a closing sentence, so… I’ll just dump a bit more art down here lol

(all of this is from the two newest books, and like a part of the plot was that there was RWQFSFASXC and Shadow Freddy, but there was also Shadow Foxy and Shadow Chica(both female) and the Shadows were like the bad guys, and the two most recent books have just been the Shadows fighting with the main gang, consisting of Freddy, Bonnie, Chica, Foxy, Goldie, Mangle, Marionette, and their newest addition— Springtrap. There’s a reason why they’re fighting but all you have to know is that they’re fighting in order to understand the art I’m going to dump.)

Ok bye bye now @:3

[kittttycakes]

Writer Q&A

What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?

Honestly? It’s the WIP I’m working on right now, as heart for heart for loving me. I have never been as jazzed about a piece of writing as I am about this one, and I’ve never been as consistent about writing as I have been with this.

In terms of original work, someday I will write the sapphic monster(?) romance of my dreams. I’m still working out the exact plot, but there’s some characters rattling around up there!

Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you, and you still think about sometimes?

It’s not so much a specific question as it is a series of them, because without @just-french-me-up, I wouldn’t have fleshed out Grace as much as I have and I wouldn’t know nearly as much about her as I do! Talking about our OCs together and the plot of our WIPs has made me a better plotter, a better planner, and a better writer.

What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

I love the feeling when the words just flow and you feel like you’re tapped into some kind of creative battery that feels like it could go on forever. It just feels right, like all the pieces in my brain have clicked into place, and nothing can beat that.

Editing, my beloathed. How can I still have tiny mis-typed word errors that I didn’t catch in a chapter that’s been up for months?

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

I want to read a very specific thing, and to make it happen, I have to write it, which is very fun! But also sometimes frustrating. I think it’s mainly that I have this picture in my head that I want to contextualize with writing, and if I don’t get it out on the page, it’s going to haunt me. I write like I’m performing an exorcism on my own brain.

What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

Make shitty pots. There was a post that floats around sometimes about just making something, even if it’s “bad,” even if it’s not what you envisioned in your head. The act of making (writing) is enough, even if it’s not perfect. Gently smothering the perfectionist in my head is a work in progress, but it’s worth it.

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

That it’s all right if it’s not perfect. That some words on the page are better than no words on the page. This ties directly to my above answer, but it really is the best thing I’ve ever started to internalize.

What is your favorite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

I, shamefully, don’t have a lot of complete work (we’re going to change that)! But for now, the heartbeat fic is my favorite but I did for Promptober 2022.

What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

Maybe not too out of the box, but “Life is too short and love is too long.” from Tamsyn Muir’s Nona the Ninth has haunted me since I first read it, both in context and out of it. What else can you say? Life IS too short, and love IS too long.

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

She hasn’t been debuted and probably won’t for awhile, but let me tease Edie here. Edie is a grifter and a bit of a conwoman and her first thought has always, historically, been for herself. She’s a bit vain and somewhat self-centered and she’s my horrible gremlin daughter who I love very much. I think the main problem I have with her mindset is that she feels like she’s very removed from other people, and so she doesn’t care about who she hurts (until she does), which is just such a foreign concept to me. I do, however, agree on her stance on eating the rich (in her case…literally).

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

I think younger me would be very surprised that we’ve managed to write 150k without quitting, and also how queer most of our writing tends to be! She was in the closet, and I’m bringing her out and letting her be free with every queer woman I write.

Tagged by @romanceandshenanigans! I am so horribly late with this because my brain is absolute mush, but if you’re a writer and you see this, please consider this your personal, no pressure invitation from me to answer these questions!

[solstrix]

ART RESOLUTIONS OF 2025

Looking back at my progress this year, I can see how much I have grown…. And exactly where I want to improve in the future! To help me figure out how to improve in those ways, let us make a list to further define my goals and objectives, as well as to consult if I ever feel I am losing my way. But the most important thing to remember, is that every piece made gets me closer to being the artist I want to be.

As a disclaimer, this list is extremely specific to my own goals, please! Feel free to share your goals if you have them! I’d be curious to see, and I genuinely feel inspired by hearing what other people want to work on.

Therefore, without further ado…

Work on comics!! When we really get down to it, this is my most significant and most important goal. I have always wanted to be a comic artist, to tell stories using my art… But I’ve been holding myself back, feeling that my skills were not good enough, not consistent enough, just… not enough in general. That’s a lie though, and it has been a lie for a long time. I’ve been drawing characters since junior high. Backgrounds have never been my strong suit, but that is something that can only be improved by drawing more of them… Which I would have been motivated to do for the sake of my comics! I can only get better if I make them. And so I simply must make them.

Stay in my lane! Make less fanart, and more original work! Now don’t get me wrong, fan art is fun to make, and if making art of your fave is what keeps you picking up the pencil, then do it! But for me… I always find myself at the end of the year, wishing I’d dedicated more time to my own projects, my own stories, my own artistic voice. So this year I want to commit myself to finishing the first chapter of my webcomic, to draw my own characters, to draw from life or reference photos I’ve taken myself. Fanart will now be an occasional treat, not the everyday meal, so to speak.

Embrace my own pace! I’ve talked about this before on here, but the fact that I’m a slow artist has long been a struggle of mine. To make a long story short, I’ve decided that thinking of this as a flaw was in itself the real problem, and that what needed to change was my mindset. After all, it is when I take my time that I end up most enjoying the process. This means I might occasionally have to skip posting for a week, but most difficult… This means I have to give up weekly/monthly challenges. I keep trying to do these, and I keep failing, and it keeps making me feel burned out and worse than before. I have to let go.

Explore and define different approaches to making finished pieces. This one is a little hard to explain, but perhaps one of the most important for this blog. In the past, I’ve convinced myself that there was only one way to truly finish a piece: start with a sketch, do clean lineart, then flat colours, and then shading and rendering. Only once every single one of these steps was done, could a piece be properly considered “complete.” Not only is this completely untrue, but it is also incredibly limiting, and… perhaps even part of what makes me a slower artist… And what really broke through to me last year, was that many of the artists I looked up to and admired, often didn’t even follow these “necessary” steps! Vespertiliu’s hatched inks are just as complete as Abigail Larson’s flat colours as Julia Lepetit’s blocked shadows as PricklyAlpaca’s painterly renderings. I have such a range of options at my disposal, and I’ve been limiting myself to just one! I hope to explore more of these options and become comfortable with each of them, until I can approach illustrations with an intentional style approach in mind. And not every illustration needs to be done the same way.

Draw more scenes! Like I mentioned above, backgrounds have been something I’ve struggled with, and which I wish I was more comfortable with doing. But drawing a background for the sake of drawing a background has always been a bit boring to me… And it’s only recently that I realized there was an extremely simple solution to this “problem”: throw in a character! Not only will this motivate me to draw the background in the first place, but it will help me improve at proportioning things, considering compositions, and, of course, it will make it easier to draw scenes for my comics.

Sketchbook and journal regularly. So here’s the thing: I actually LOVE making traditional art, just as much as digital art. In particular, traditional art tends to be my sanctuary of sorts, the art I make truly and only for myself. Most of it will never be posted, and that’s part of the point. Sketchbooking for myself is how I practice and warm up at the start of an art session, but most importantly, it is how I nurture my own creativity and my love for making art. I must ignore the voice that tells me that art made behind the scenes serves no tangible purpose to my presence online: it serves a purpose to me.

Find my audience. Now let me be clear: I appreciate every single one of you who follow my blog, watch my progress, share my art… But I have to be brutally honest with myself, and with you, here. The fact that my original art gets little to no attention compared to my fanart, is… a little soul-crushing. But this is something that can change. By prioritizing my original works this year, I hope this means I can eventually find those people who would love my original creations for what they are, and to whom my art speaks to and compels in the same way that it does to me.

Have fun, and enjoy the process. Avoid the traps of perfectionism and succumbing to social (or invented) pressure.

[captainkurosolaire]

~ Update ~

When the heart yearns does it ever burn. It’s most certainly back, after nearly a year dimming out. Last year I put everything I had into punching holes through my limits and barriers.I am without mistaken proud of what I accomplished and the tribute I laid out that I wholeheartedly dealt. But of course. That’s never enough for me. I still feel as I’ve only put scratches of what I’m capable to do-- no, what I want to do. With that being said I’ll be back soon in full might, undoubtedly with another consistent flood-wave of flowing content and ink to canvases, soul sweating every fiber I got to unlock and breathe again. Cause it’s only when I’m truly back to creating, do I breakout and feel oh so alive! It’s a ventilation and my own personal oxygen supply that nulls any health issue, disease and as it’s tried for over a decade now to try redefining my approach to live. It’s been unsuccessful in taking me out for the long haul. I will go further in details of what has transpired in my absence gone below the cut. But a month is my goal date. I’ve already began lining up some content and I definitely have some swelling ideas but I am taking a new charge in this upcoming voyage so I can be with all intent more longevity my fully functional state. Cheers until then hearties.

Awhile ago, I wrote a piece about how doubt can poison us and ground. With that said the manifestation was festering me. Wasn’t certain If I’d ever be able to get drawn or motivated enough to trigger that awakening I held that same energy, drive, heart and determination I unleashed the after-mention year. That’s most likely a scenario occurs a lot after a stellar year in any sort of thing many factors, fear for future events, uncertainty if a prime was hit. Although I can’t deny the creeping shadows of that engulfing can’t be an issue. Things beyond control putting effort in that it’s much more damaging. And I honestly don’t feel that is a web of truth for me. As I stated, know there’s more to grow in me. That haven’t properly been nurtured yet is all. The season hasn’t dried away all the cold, it’s all still fresh. Sometimes changing fighting stances results in better yields, and I think mentally there’s guard changes, stand swaps in those too. I no longer think on what dwells. Instead there’s a starving in my belly and itch that needs a fill and relieve. A viscous passion consumes me and I’m taking it to pampering it up nice and taking it to prom and we’ll see where that night gets me. Envisioned many arcs and sagas so much unfilled but I was always daunted with the notion that it had a standard I needed to commit. Not just for the sake of others but for my own personal, self-improvement. Perfection isn’t my cup. I’ve got my damages, the trauma and a plethora of flaws. They make up me and give me abundance of ideas, to twist and warp something authentic and throw it into fantasy. I have rode out the physical and mental rehabilitation and it’s an exhausting card every time. It’s a grueling tradition at this point. But the only weakness isn’t giving it all out and launching yourself to get an extra step, pushing it to get a sprint out again before anything catastrophic hit. Turned into a very ghostly figure, closed in and put myself in a box, unable to confront or muster any more energy to give to the people that matter or the closest to me and there’s never an easy way to leave things like that, can make others ponder if they did stuff wrong or blame themselves, however isn’t a -them- issue. Isn’t even something personally another did just an old vehicle with some shitty mileage rates, the gas tank leaks, the entire motor is shot and barely worthy of getting to a trusted destination. But when the ignition works, it purrs with a classic thrill. That’s a lot how as a system I operate. I’m a doomed situation to repair, the price runs beyond the budget. But I’m get a destination out more than ever expected and fill that ride with memories and songs to last until I work again. This time, I get my motor running early for a change, spend an entire month, challenge myself to put stuff to paper. Build up the entire thing and stockpile, then whatever I have, I unleash in whatever state of quality when I return. Then while that occurs, I take myself and do the sightseeing, do the things I’ve wanted. Return and be more proactive about attending events, try stirring up some threads, and things I always wanted too. But be uninterrupted by all the deterrence or feeling like I need to puncture something forcefully in. Let things hit me and still go, then start stockpiling in the background and continue the pace, staying a whole ten miles ahead. Try making this joy ride last as long as possible, surpassing all that stuff I did before. Giving myself a month of wiggle room to fuel up. For now got Budokai 3 a showdown with some unique astrology and lore-twisting usages to make a deathmatch out. Just need to polish that up and I’ll have that done. But that water doesn’t end I got some skit ideas, some concepts I never once had in my head for years that came organically that’ll follow the aftermath of the results of that gruesome battle, that’ll be even more in-depth filling, I got that a lot from the last XIV Challenge. Then if I can get to it, I have a major arc with a very ambitious idea. Try getting a whole crew vs crew showdown going into something. There’s a literal ‘giant’ undertaking I want this year and a whole War/Saga point that’ll just endlessly and abundantly unlock so much stuff and I want that initial thing at the very least. I said and set that last year and nothing has changed. If anything I’ve got a chip on my shoulder to get to it fairly. But if anyone out there ever want to chat on here or discord or something about OC or story stuff, or plot ideas, pre-establish stuff, or intrigue in joining Crew and huge arc or anything I’m going to do my best to be even more accommodating. - Try upping my gif and screen-set stuff, cosplay things too when I get myself in the forefront of this. Stay worldly ye treasures.

[thetypedwriter]

All the Young Dudes Fanfiction Review

All the Young Dudes Fanfiction Review by MsKingBean89

So. 

This is a first. 

If you’ve been following this blog for some time, then you know I generally read young adult books and write far too lengthy reviews on them with the occasional outlier of adult fiction, mystery, sci-fi, etc. 

At any given time, I usually have both a physical book that I’ve bought from somewhere that I’m working on (right now it’s Firekeeper's Daughter by Angeline Boulley) as well as a fanfiction that I reserve until before I go to bed (my treat for a day well lived). 

Fanfiction is something that I’ve mentioned copious amounts of times on this blog in varying degrees, but this is the first time I’ll be writing an actual review for one of them on this platform. 

The reason for this is myriad. 

One, this fanfiction called All the Young Dudes is a far-cry from your normal standardized fanfiction of 5-50,000 words-something I can easily consume in a few minutes to a few hours. 

Nope, this behemoth ends on a staggering 526,969 words and 188 chapters, not including bonus chapters and extra in-universe canonical content the author has also written and published. Roughly speaking, if this was actually published onto paper it would be well over 2,000 pages. 

2,000 pages. 

Yeah. And I enjoyed every single moment of it. 

Two, while I read a lot of fanfiction I generally don’t put any of it on this blog because while I’ve dedicated it to published novels, I also usually have very simple feelings about fanfiction. My thoughts run the gambit of: It was good, it was fluffy, it was a train-wreck, so on and so forth. 

Normally my reviews are so long and wordy because I have too many thoughts about the published books that I read and I need an outlet to let them loose. 

Whether because of its longevity or because of its content, All the Young Dudes is a story I find myself having a profusion of thoughts for. Hence, the birth of this review. 

If fanfiction isn’t your thing, feel free to skip this particular review of mine (although fanfiction is a gift to this world and you should really rethink your stance on it if you don’t like it, just saying). 

Third, All the Young Dudes is well written and rivals any actual published content. 

Fourth, because of how extensive this fanfiction is, it took me over a month to read it-time I generally would have been reading something else. Instead of leaving you all hanging for a few more weeks until I finish Firekeeper's Daughter (don’t hold your breath-the book is sort of a slog for me personally right now), I decided to just take the jump and write my first-ever typedwriter review for a fanfiction. 

Fanfiction has been a part of my life for the better part of almost two decades now. It was truly something I found by accident and in retrospect, it’s insane to me that it’s still something that brings me continuous joy and happiness. 

I discovered fanfiction when I was 11-years-old and deeply obsessed with the Harry Potter fandom. 

Now, as an overall disclaimer I completely disagree with J.K. Rowling’s stances of gender and biology and differ wholeheartedly with her views of trans and non-binary individuals. With that said, I still love Harry Potter as a story and while I no longer buy anything that profits J.K. Rowling directly, I still love the fandom and the people in it, including fanworks like All the Young Dudes. 

When I was 11, the seventh Harry Potter book had yet to come out and like many other people in this time period of agony while waiting for 2007 to roll around so that I could find out what happened, I discovered fanfiction as a way to fill in that ache I was so keenly feeling. 

I found myself suddenly immersed in this world of online fiction-both good and bad-but completely entrancing all the same. 

I never left. 

That is to say, I did eventually move onto other fandoms with their own fanfiction cultures, but Harry Potter was still my first in terms of fanfiction and introducing me to the concept as a whole. 

Specifically and maybe oddly, I never found myself curious for actual fanfiction about Harry or Hermione or Ron. In my mind, I already knew what had happened to them and reading about them in fanfiction was redundant. 

In addition, the first fanfiction I just happened to come across was a Lily/James marauder era fanfiction on mugglenet.com

This idea immediately intrigued me as fans as a whole knew next to nothing about the infamous Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs and while I knew everything I needed to about Harry Potter it was intoxicating to think that I could learn about a time before the series had existed and about characters who were important, but off screen. 

I was hooked and devoured as much as I could for most of middle school about the marauders and Lily and James’ romance in particular (I even wrote and published some of my own that will go unmentioned as they are truly really terrible). 

That being said, I haven’t read a Harry Potter fanfiction in years. I grew up and out of the fandom eventually thanks to Twilight and from there I’ve bounced from fandom to fandom as I’ve aged and consumed different things and fallen in love with different characters and different worlds. 

That isn’t to say I’ve forgotten though. 

I still remember my favorite marauder stories, my favorite Sirius Black/OFC (original female character), and my favorite baby Harry drabbles. They made such a huge impression on me and even though it’s been sixteen years, I still recall those stories with fond nostalgia and jubilation. 

Which is why it’s almost ironic that I would return to this particular time period of the marauders with All the Young Dudes. 

In a fashion that’s almost scarily full circle, I happened to be on Youtube one day and saw a recommendation video about this girl reviewing a fanfiction called All the Young Dudes. Now, youtube book reviews aren’t uncommon, but a thirty minute video for a fanfiction? Not your typical sighting. 

So out of pure curiosity, I searched All the Young Dudes fanfiction on Google and low and behold the overwhelming and top results were all for a marauder-era fanfiction by MsKingBean89. Piqued, I clicked on the link in ao3 and thought why not? 

While I’ve mainly been reading in other fandoms recently (BTS, some anime and manga, All for the Game) I had been in a little bit of a slump for finding a really good, really alluring story for some time and really didn’t think I had anything to lose by reading All the Young Dudes, especially as the more research I did, the more I found how popular it was-a plethora of videos on youtube, tiktok compilations, and dozens of fanart posts. 

Plus, it had been so long since I had read anything from my progenitor fandom and the thought of going back was strangely comforting.

Hence the journey of reading All the Young Dudes began and oh what a journey it was. 

Now, that this review is already five pages in, I should probably tell you what on earth All the Young Dudes is actually about. 

The whole story is a marauder-era fanfiction told from Remus Lupin’s POV from the summer of 1971 when Remus is 11-years-old to the summer of 1995 when he is 35-five-years-old. It is an in-depth portrayal of Remus’ time at Hogwarts from year one to year seven and then going all the way up to the start of the second wizarding world, ending around the time Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix begins. 

While already the scope makes this a massive undertaking, the author also includes all canonical content from the original series involving Remus, the Marauders, and the time period and incorporates it into her fanfiction-making it canon compliant from start to finish. 

While a very large portion of this story is not romantic, there is eventual WolfStar (Remus Lupin/Sirius Black) and if you have read the original Harry Potter series...well. You know things don't end up super dandy for these two characters in particular so you know how the story will end before it begins. 

This fanfiction left me speechless for so many reasons. 

The scope and length is frankly unbelievable. This fanfiction was published on March 2, 2017 and it was completed on November 12, 2018.

….how?

How did she manage that? I frankly have no idea, but I am in complete and utter awe at her ability to write content with such a magnitude and actually complete it. She gets an award just for that honestly. 

Not only that, but the fanfiction is actually superbly well-written. I won’t lie and say it’s the most poignant and beautiful piece of literature I’ve ever consumed, but it was consistent in its pacing, characterization, themes, motifs, and structure, which, for 2,000 pages, is an incredible achievement when you think about it. 

Speaking of characterization, everyone was So. Well. Done. 

Remus was such an interesting POV to read from and while he was compliant in every sense of the word-werewolf, prefect, bookish-MsKingBean89 added so much more to his character and fleshed him out so incredibly that it’s truly tragic that he’s not a real person. 

And to that extent, she does this with all of the characters. You see James’ optimism and leadership, Sirius’ arrogance and loyalty, Peter’s jealousy and chess skills. 

Every character was so well-rounded and real. She did an incredible job of taking the bits and pieces from the canon series and using that to build up her own flesh and blood people with motivations, likes, dislikes, dreams, and desires. 

That being said, she also had 2,000 pages to do it sooooooo it would be bad if the characters weren’t fleshed out by the end honestly. 

In addition, I really appreciated that she didn’t just focus on Remus, Sirius, James and Peter. Lily Evans played a critical role in Remus’ school life and after and so did the other Gryffindor girls like Marlene and Mary. 

Too often, the focus is on the boys and their close friendship and while that was a huge focus, we also get to see Remus develop friendships with the girls in his own right and other friends as well that were often OC’s of the author’s. 

Now. OC’s are generally something I dislike. I’m reading fanfiction to read about particular characters that I’ve sought after, not to read about some imaginary cast. However, just like any of the canon characters, all of the OC characters were well-developed and played crucial roles in Remus’ development-while either at Hogwarts or after-and I found myself not minding them in the least. In a few cases (Grant) I actually really loved them. 

The biggest draw for this fanfiction for me was Remus’ time at Hogwarts. It was so well-written and incredibly descriptive and I found myself thrust back into the world of magic so suddenly and seamlessly that it was like I never left. 

MsKingBean89 includes so many intricate details and builds up the world so beautifully that I’d recommend any Harry Potter fan to consume it, just to get some good Hogwarts material out of it. 

Another thing I greatly appreciate about this fanfiction was the slow burn. I’ve read slow burn before (All for the Game trilogy anybody?), but this truly took the cake. Sirius and Remus don’t properly get together until the end of year six going into year seven. That’s over 100 chapters in. 

100 chapters out of 188. 

Meaning that over half of this beast doesn’t have the main pairing even together. For some people, this could be a drawback. You might think to yourself: It takes how long for them to confess their feelings and stop being prats?

A very, very long time. 

However...it didn’t bug me. I like slow burn to begin with, but being along for the ride as Remus goes from being a child to an adolescent with unrequited feelings to being in a relationship with someone he loves is so rewarding and fulfilling that the 100 previous chapters are completely and utterly worth it. 

MsKingBean89 develops them so well and so carefully that the payoff is so sweet and satisfactory that it's enough to bring the tears right then and there. 

The last huge feat of this fanfiction for me was the author’s dedication to canon not just confined to Hogwarts and the Harry Potter books, but also to the time period. Either she lived through the 70’s and 80’s herself or she had done her due diligence when it comes to research because anything from London anti-gay laws to British slang was commonplace in her fic. 

I found it completely amazing how she was able to tie in real-time historical and cultural moments like famous singers and movies playing at the time alongside convoluted muggle politics warring with the wizarding ones. 

I was so blown away by the accuracy and genuine love behind this fic that it often brought me out of my own mind to simply ponder once again how much work this was and how well she was delivering it. 

Even unpleasant things, like homophobia and bigotry, are dealt with in a very carefully constructed way that is aligned with the time period in which the story takes place. 

Unfortunately, everything beautiful is not without flaws and All the Young Dudes is not the exception, although it’s flaws are nary compared to its achievements. 

The few complaints I have with this fic are honestly quite negligible. 

First, there are a few grammatical and punctuation errors. Very few, but I did notice some. 

Next, and again, this complaint is really just me whining, but...the end of the fic was really fucking sad. The end of this whole story took me so much time to complete simply because I didn’t want to read it. 

I know what happened during the first wizarding war and I also know what ended it (James and Lily Potter dying, Harry being shipped off to the Dursley’s, Sirius imprisoned for a murder he didn’t commit, Peter presumed dead) and in one fell swoop Remus lost everything and everyone he ever loved. 

After spending over 1,500 pages of Remus growing to love these people it is absolutely devastating and heart-breaking to see him lose it all. 

The last handful of chapters are just really, really sad and it makes me wonder why MsKingBean89 decided to write it in the first place. Frankly, I don't know why she didn't write about Remus’ time at Hogwarts and stop after graduation because we all know what happens after that and none of it is good. 

Looking back, I wish I could time travel and tell myself to stop at chapter 150. I truly didn’t need to read about the tragedies that happened after that and the hell that all of the characters go through. 

And while it does end on a….sort of kind of maybe positive (?) note with Sirius and Remus reuniting briefly once the events of Harry Potter and Prisoner of Azkaban take place, it was really tainted and bittersweet for me knowing that in a year Sirius would die and Remus would marry his fucking cousin and have a child. 

Urgh. 

I just can’t. 

That being said, I understand it’s not the author’s fault and I’m not saying it is. She wrote a canon compliant fic to the end and it was my choice to continue reading. That being said, she said she ended it before the events of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix because Sirius and Remus are happy and back together and she didn’t want to write what was coming next if she continued. 

I truly, truly get that. 

But in the same vein, why even write the events of the first wizarding world to begin with then? I’m confused with that response as it doesn’t make much sense to me. I felt like ending it right then and there was not a happy ending. They’re together, yes, but at this point they are both shells of who they used to be. Both have severe trauma and PTSD and frankly I don’t even know if I agree with them being together just because they’ve put each other through so much. 

It’s just an interesting choice at the end of the day in terms of the author. 

Once again, however, I truly understand that she can do whatever she wants and that she doesn’t owe anyone anything, especially as she’s writing this for free and just because. So please keep in mind that although I’m complaining, I truly understand how fortunate we are to even have this fic in the first place. 

Okay. 

Secondly, my only other huge complaint is that MsKingBean89 made Remus gay. Not bi, not pan. Gay. 

You could argue that Remus just calls himself gay in the fanficiton as he didn’t know about other kinds of sexuality. You could argue that Remus’ sexuality changes and develops as he ages and experiences trials and tribulations. You could argue that it was a sign of times like so much else in this fic. 

I frankly just found it to be a frustrating choice as the fic is canon compliant and even though it ends before the events of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows we know that Remus eventually marries Tonks and has a baby son named Teddy Lupin. 

How does that make sense?

I tried very, very hard to come up with some sort of feasible explanation for how a gay man would have ended up with the love of his life’s female cousin and truly could not think of one that was not fucked up to some degree. 

Again. I know I’m being nit-picky, but it irked me that she made this choice regarding Remus’ sexuality and essentially ended her fic with Remus stuck in a corner regarding how the series actually ends. 

At the end of the day, all of the negatives are truly, truly not important. I’m just whinging to whine and to express my thoughts, but I do once again understand that MsKingBean89 isn’t profiting from this fic and that she can do what she wants as is her prerogative. 

I hope I was able to express that while I understand that, I can still be frustrated with some of the choices she made. 

To wrap this all up, All the Young Dudes is a masterpiece and is a must-read for anyone who loves Harry Potter, the Marauders, or Wolfstar. I was blown away by the sheer magnitude, the love and care she put into her craft, the slow and deliberate development of all the characters, the beautifully constructed love between Sirius and Remus, and the intricate world-both muggle and magic-that surrounded the story like a cocoon. 

I am so happy I found this fic and I truthfully am floundering at what to do with myself next. If you have any more current Marauder era fics that I’ve missed out in the past eleven years, please don’t hesitate to let me know. 

Recommendation: Go read All the Young Dudes. For weeks, you will cry, you will laugh, you will despair, and you will smile. This fanfiction will make you wish this was canon and in my mind, it now is. 

Score: 8/10

Links:

1. All the Young Dudes on ao3 

2. The Youtube Video about All the Young Dudes that made me aware of its existence 

[oatmilkovich]

not sure if you've shared your acting thoughts on j.a.w. but would love to hear if you have any stand-out moments. it keeps hitting me what a powerhouse he is and his arc (and especially the incredible power of his scenes with emmy) pretty much singlehandedly kept me watching through seasons 6-8 when a lot of other storylines dragged on! i'm still happy with the show in a post-fiona world but i really miss the lip and fiona dynamic as it really felt like the backbone of the show and the gallagher family!

hey! <3

you sent this weeks ago and i am profusely sorry about that. i haven’t talked about jeremy yet but since it was lip love hours on the dash today, i decided to have a crack at it. lip’s storyline has definitely been the most consistent and solid throughout the entire show – there’s never really a time i don’t enjoy watching his scenes (though i do find it difficult to watch the helene sl in s6). he and emmy consistently worked phenomenally off one another and though i really miss emmy now, i do think we need to hand it to jaw and his contribution to carrying the show for it’s run. 

there’s a lot I could talk about with jeremy’s work so i’ve had to pick a couple of my favourite things for today, otherwise i’d be writing for hours. discussion under the cut! 

remember: this is all my opinion! i’m just an unemployed actor in a pandemic. 

one of my ultimate favourite things about jeremy’s performance is the way he approaches lip’s monologues. in my personal opinion as an actor, monologues fucking suck. they’re unnatural, difficult to pull off and so easily end up being a vehicle for the self indulgent actor to just hear their own voice. luckily for us, jaw manages to knock them out of the park every single time. the key to a successful monologue is a hell of a lot of prep work before hand – you’ve always got to remember that no one monologues and talks at a great interrupted length naturally, that’s just not how humans exist and interact in the world, so an actor always has to consider why their character continues talking and doesn’t stop after the first line. their objective for the scene – what they want to gain – has to be so solid, so vital to the actor/character that we believe they can’t stop talking until they achieve it. an objective is the only thing that drives dialogue forward – we only speak out loud because we want to achieve something. now, there’s an incredibly fine line between pushing to achieve your objective during a monologue and allowing the objective to push you. this is never a problem with jeremy’s work. 

a good objective goes hand in hand with how the lines of the monologue are delivered. every line a character speaks is new to them – the actor rehearses a line but the character doesn’t – each thought behind a line, even if it’s something they’ve thought about before, is new to them. when you’re working in a scene with another actor and trading dialogue, it’s easier for that new line of dialogue to feel more natural as a response to your partner – when you’re on your own in a monologue this can be a huge challenge. monologues are badly done when everything sounds rehearsed – you can tell when the actor isn’t working from moment to moment and is simply saying the lines they’ve learnt in a huge chunk. you don’t believe they’re speaking to achieve their objective, they’re simply speaking the lines on the page and probably are thinking about how good they sound. again, this is never a problem with jeremy’s work. 

now let’s look at this monologue from 5x08:

this is a really well done and subtle monologue on jeremy’s part – it’s one of my favourites and it does a really good job at highlighting how detailed and personalised his work is. before he even begins to speak, you can tell jeremy is prepared for the circumstances of scene. lip is completely riddled with tension – you can see it in the way he clenches his jaw and wipes his hands on his trousers – as an audience member, we already know there’s a hell of a lot on his plate. this monologue is a moment where he allows it all to bubble over. 

lip’s obviously trying to get some leeway on his college finances by explaining his situation to his adviser – perhaps that was jeremy’s objective (to achieve help with his finances) but as he continues talking, it morphs into really heartbreaking glimpse into lip’s pov of being the ‘golden goose’ of the family. it’s the first time we really hear his thoughts on ian’s diagnosis, monica’s illness and how guilty he feels every single day being away from his family. lip asking for a favour becomes less about financial help and even more so about being heard. he needs someone to understand and hear him out. to understand the heavy pressure he feels to achieve what everyone else expects of him. 

a monologue has a mini storyline arc within it and jeremy takes us on journey as we watch lip continue talking, continue exposing himself, putting himself in a horribly vulnerable position. he starts by easing himself in – cracking a joke about how they should get to know one another because he’ll be there a lot – but as soon as he starts going into detail about ian and why he needs an extension on payments, there’s a significant shift in jeremy’s delivery and lip’s relationship to how badly he needs this. jeremy allows himself to fully experience each thought before he delivers a line – he doesn't rush and allows moments to breathe. every single line he says, every single sibling or situation he mentions, we get a glimpse of his pov on the subject. these moments of pause allow lip’s journey throughout the speech to be so clear to us as audience members, there’s never a moment where a piece of dialogue feels delivered falsely or preplanned. jeremy doesn’t push to achieve anything and we follow lip throughout the speech on his journey without a clue where he’s going to end up. 

by the end of the monologue, lip’s desperation to be understood is clearer than ever. he’s panicking but jeremy never overplays it. even as it builds and he begins to visibly get more emotional with tears in his eyes, it never becomes a performance. jeremy always manages to get the balance right and it’s just a really, really beautiful reaction to his circumstances and truthful acting coming from the moment. it’s a huge deal to bare his heart like this to someone – a stranger at that – and jeremy manages to capture that vulnerable dent in lip’s pride perfectly. he’s not yelling, he’s not pulling his hair out, but we still completely understand why this is so important to him. although I'll never know how he actually prepares his work, his text work here is deeply personalised – you can tell jeremy has given lip’s pov a good thought. I believe him the entire way through, his objective is clear and whatever it was that jeremy decided to use worked perfectly for both his motivation and our belief. 

as someone who has shed a tear over performing many a monologue, he makes it seem so fucking effortless – i think that’s what really gets me. i’d love to see him do work on stage one day. as i said, there are about a million things I could talk about when it comes to jaw’s work on the show. this baaaaaarely even scratches the surface! I wanted to talk about another monologue here too, but i think this got long enough only talking about one! 

please always feel free to ask me about any specific moments if you have any pressing questions, i can’t promise i’ll get to it very quickly (i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry!) but i will always try.my inbox is always open for anything, acting or otherwise. it takes me a while, but I really, really do love talking about this stuff. 

thanks for reading! <3 

[iamtrebleclefstories]

all through the night - chapter three

An unexpected visitor

-or-

A fic where Jo has a miscarriage pre-16x16 and Alex comes back to pick up the pieces

Was this supposed to be only two chapter? Yes... we’re not going to talk about that though... 

TW: Miscarriage

The next few days consisted of more of the same. Jo and Alex walked on eggshells around each other, neither of them wanting to break the silence looming heavily in the loft, which was only interrupted by the occasional sound from the television or the clanging of a dish in the kitchen. Maybe that's why it was so shocking when they heard a knock at the door.

"Hey evil spawn, hairball, open up!'"

Alex walked up to the door and pulled it open. He scrunched his face in confusion, "Yang? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?"

"I get mail you moron. I’ve seen the return address,” Cristina invited herself into the loft. She scanned the place the Karevs called home and her eyes landed on Jo’s blank face. “Altman and Pierce called me a couple days ago to help them out with an experimental surgery that's only ever been done a handful of times around the world, my hospital and my hands being one of them. I'm performing and teaching the residents all about the procedure. Surgery is tomorrow. I was at Mer's house visiting with the kids and I heard that you might be here," Sensing the tension in the room, Cristina turned her attention to Alex. "How about you and I go outside and talk for a bit?"

Alex looked at Cristina and quickly realized that she wouldn't give him the option of saying no. He glanced back at Jo before looking back at Cristina, "Okay, I'll go."

The moment they walked outside, Cristina slapped Alex upside the head.

"Ow! What was that for?" Alex rubbed his head.

"That's for being a dumbass," they walked for a few more minutes before Cristina spoke up again. "Are you an idiot? Are you mentally challenged?"

"Mer told you, didn't she?" Alex grumbled.

"She didn't have to," Cristina shook her head in disbelief. "You fell off the face of the earth for weeks. I know we don't talk that much, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. She had a miscarriage and instead of you comforting her like you're supposed to, you looked terrified that something will set her off. Do you know how crappy it feels to miscarry? I wasn't planning on even continuing my pregnancy and I was still a wreck when Addison had to go in and remove my fallopian tube. And on top of that, you cheated on her?"

"I didn't know she was pregnant when I slept with Izzie," Alex tried defending himself. "Jo didn't even know until she miscarried."

"And that’s supposed to make it okay?” Cristina punched him in the side. “You slept with Izzie? Of all people? Come on Alex, I knew you were stupid but I didn’t think you were stupid enough to sleep with the one person who consistently used you and never really cared about your well-being unless if it was of some sort of benefit to her. Where’s your self-respect?”

Alex grunted, “I don’t know.”

“That’s why you feel like shit now,” Cristina stated. “You should feel like shit. You should be crying bitch baby tears. What possessed you to make such a colossal mistake. And don’t go say something about how you still love Izzie because we both know that’s not true. You fell out of love with Izzie a long time ago. You fell out of love with her before you ever fell in love with Jo. And Jo… I wish someone loved me the way you love her. Which is what makes this situation so much worse.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Alex released a breath. “I don’t know how to fix this.”

“I don’t think it’s about fixing anything,” Cristina stopped to get a good look at him. “It’s about owning up to your mistake and figuring out if you’re able to move forward. You can’t take it back and you can’t make it better. You’ve got to regain her trust.”

“Easier said than done,” Alex muttered under his breath.

“Go to the hospital and cut into some kids or something,” Cristina waved her hand. “Get out of here. Let me talk to your wife.”

“I don’t know Yang,” Alex frowned uncertainly. “You’re not exactly the warmest person.”

“Shut up,” Cristina scowled at him. “I can be sensitive. Now seriously, go. Give me some time before I change my mind.”

+++

“Wilson! Get up from the bed. It’s time to take a shower and put on a different shirt,” Cristina bellowed as she walked back into the loft. She walked around towards the bed and pulled the covers off of Jo. “Come on. It’s already past noon. You’ve got to at least pretend like you care about personal hygiene.”

“Leave me alone,” Jo groaned and pulled the pillow over her head, muffling her speech. “And it’s Karev, not Wilson.”

“Is it?” Cristina raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t sure if it still would be you know after everything.”

Jo pulled the pillow off of her face and looked at Cristina waringly, “It’s still Karev. I want to be a Karev.”

“So you’re not planning on leaving evil spawn any time soon?” Cristina sat on the edge of the bed, waiting expectantly for Jo to respond.

Jo appeared lost in thought, “I don’t know. I don’t want to. But I can’t live like this either.”

“Live like what exactly?”

“Live in fear that one day, Alex is going to grow tired of his life with me and leave me for a simpler one that includes an ex-wife and a couple of kids in Kansas,” Jo depanned.

“Do you know how ridiculous you sound right now?” Cristina snorted. “Alex would rather cut off his hands than leave you and Seattle. Do you know how many opportunities he’s had to up and leave this place and he’s stayed? If you’re here, it doesn’t give him much motivation to leave.”

“I don’t think I’m his priority anymore,” Jo chewed on her lip. “He has kids now.”

“How sure are we that those are his kids anyway?” Cristina tilted her head in thought. “Don’t get me wrong. I love Izzie, she was my friend at one point. But she doesn’t exactly have the best moral compass. Sure, she loved Alex, but she loved more what he could do for her. I wouldn’t put it past her to try to pass those kids off as his in an effort to get him back.”

“That’s crazy,” Jo sat up. “No sane person would do something like that.”

“Exactly.”

Whether it was the absurdity of the whole situation or the fact that Cristina was so serious, Jo burst out in laughter, “Oh God.”

Jo’s laughter rang through the loft, “My husband cheated on me with his ex-wife and they have kids together all while I was here having a miscarriage. I had a miscarriage… I had a miscarriage and I was alone. Alex wasn’t there. He cheated on me. Alex cheated on me. Isn’t that the most outrageous thing you’ve ever heard?”

Slowly, Jo’s laughs morphed into heavy sobs. They wracked her body for quite some time as she finally allowed herself to break for the first time since coming home. She hadn’t wanted to do it in front of Alex. Despite partially being the reason for her pain, Jo didn’t want to make him feel any worse than he already felt. Because if there was one thing Jo knew, it was that as much as she would struggle to forgive him, Alex would probably never forgive himself.

Once her cries died down, Cristina rubbed a hand on Jo’s shoulder gently, “Come on. It’s time to shower. You smell bad.”

Jo let out a watery laugh, “Okay I’m getting up.” She stood up from the bed and turned to look at Cristina. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Cristina nodded. “I’ll be here when you get out.”

True to her word, Cristina was waiting for Jo when she stepped out of the shower, “I don’t cook. Or clean. You know this. We’ve lived together before. But I toasted some bagels if you want one.”

Jo made her way over to the table and grabbed a bagel, spreading a generous amount of cream cheese on it, “Why are you still here?”

“Because I told you I would be,” Cristina shoved a handful of cereal into her mouth.

“Come on Yang, we’re not friends. You don’t owe me anything. Why are you here?” Jo asked, waiting patiently for a response from the woman standing across from her.

Cristina sighed and put down the box of cereal, “Because I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there before.”

“What?” Jo’s face scrunched in confusion.

“It was my intern year. I was sleeping with my attending and I got pregnant,” Cristina started. “I don’t want kids. I never wanted them. But for some reason I struggled a lot with the decision I was going to have to make in the coming weeks. I had finally decided to tell my attending and attempt some semblance of a relationship with him. I hoped it might give me some clarity.” She paused for a moment and looked at Jo. “When I approached him, he broke up with me. Never even got a chance to tell him that I was pregnant. So, I made an appointment. I told Meredith that I was planning to get an abortion and she promised to be there to take me home.”

“I never made it there, though,” Cristina shook her head. “I was observing a surgery that he was performing when I passed out on the OR floor. They paged Addison Montgomery and I was rushed into surgery. Turns out the pregnancy had been ectopic and my Fallopian tube burst. They ended up removing it and I lost the baby… I don’t want kids. I didn’t want to be pregnant or raise a kid. It didn’t fit into my plans. I had planned to terminate. I was sure that it was right for me. But it didn’t make the loss any easier. It didn’t make the fact that I miscarried any less painful. I grieved. I was a wreck. They had to sedate me.” Cristina huffed a laugh. “That’s why I’m here. Because I get it.”

In all honesty, Jo had no idea what to say after Cristina’s story. She never would have imagined sitting across the room with Cristina Yang talking about miscarriages. They weren’t close, not at all. They never spoke for more than a few minutes about things that weren’t work related. Seeing Yang open up to her in this way was foreign.

“I’m sorry,” Jo finally said. “I don’t wish it on anyone.”

“Neither do I,” Cristina grew quiet. She reached over the table and put a comforting hand on Jo’s shoulder. “You're going to get through this. I know you will because you’re stronger than I ever will be. We’ve been through some hard things, but we survived. You’ll survive this and you’ll be happy again someday. And maybe you’ll be a mom again, if that’s what you choose. Whether it’s through birth or being a stepmom to Alex’s kids or both. You have choices. They’re yours to make. No one else’s.”

“Thank you,” Jo swallowed back some tears. “For that reminder. It’s my choice. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what someone else would do in my shoes that I forgot that I don’t need to depend on the approval of others. It comes down to what I’m willing to lose.”

Jo looked up at Cristina, “I want to get out of this house. Even if it’s just for a few hours.”

“Okay, where do you want to go?”

“I don’t know… anywhere that isn’t here,” Jo shrugged.

“Have you ever been to the space needle? I haven’t and I lived here for seven years. I almost did once, never made it though,” Cristina mentioned.

“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever been to the space needle,” Jo replied.

“Great, I’ll drive.”

[my-writings-and-musings]

Same anon thank you for answering my question! I was wondering if you could do headcanons for MTMTE Rung, Megatron, Rodimus, Minimus, and Swerve with an Artisic human reader that just sees the good and creative artist side of everything? From books to pictures to even their own bot? Like they can just look at their bot and go out on a whole rant on how beautiful their optics are from the color to their expression. if that’s too many characters you can take any one, I don’t mind! Thank you and have a good day ❤️

You're welcome! I'm always open for clarification, so feel free to ask questions about whatever you'd like if you're unsure on anything. I took a little liberty with this one, but I've got all the requested bots because darn it all these beautiful mechs deserve recognition!

Rung

·He discovers your artistic inclination thanks to years of experience reading personalities and emotions at a glance, but he wasn't prepared for the depth of your conviction in seeing the world through a creative lens, which he learned upon speaking to you about your process as an artist. This surprise grows as he sees you sketching around the ship, your exuberance for the inherent beauty in everything coming through in every conversation you share.

·When he praises some of your sketches on a quiet day in his office and is compelled to ask how you developed your style, he's fascinated by your explanation, and his spark is warmed by how beautifully you describe the world around you and credit it for inspiring you. He's visibly shocked when your list of current subjects and muses includes him specifically, and you can't help but chuckle at the usually calm bot looking so absolutely flustered. There's no way for him to hide any of that feeling when he requests a bit of clarification; there's hundreds of bots on board, what about him could possibly stand out?

·You're happy to elaborate on your process to a bot who so regularly underestimates his worth and lay out why he in particular piques your interest. The warmth and goodness of his being is such a rare and beautiful thing, you explain, but also so rarely appreciated that it drives you to try and capture that essence in a manner one can see. How could you not? Such compassion and empathy and forgiveness should be remembered! You've also seen that he's capable of accepting any genuine apology, and to have that level of mercy after so much war is beautiful, enough that you have to try and show it.

·To say he's touched is an understatement of unfathomable proportions. Removing his lenses to clear optics blurred with tears, he doesn't even know how to begin processing your praise of his character when you add that his physical self hardly fails to encourage you either. His glasses nearly slip from his hands when he hears you say that. You continue quite easily; the kindness in his optics and the sweetness of his smile, combined with his genuinely handsome profile, simply inspire you to start sketching.

·He's touched, but you have to understand, he is NOT accustomed to this level of praise. Between the near tears and the blushing he has to politely excuse himself to recover from this absolute tsunami of emotions, but being flustered and melted at once is enough to have him smiling through a little blush all day long. While he tries to take a little bit of your mindset into his everyday life going forward, he gets a bit dazed every time he sees a sketch of yours that includes his face, as that level of artistic devotion being dedicated to him is more than he'll ever be able to process. Not that he minds...

Megatron

·Being more familiar with the written word, he enjoys the arts but has little experience with those who create them, and time has not been on his side in regards to learning more. Thus, you're one of the first artistically inclined individuals he's been able to discuss the topic with, which he was motivated to do after catching a glimpse of your work. He could swear some of your sketches bear a resemblance to him, but he says nothing on the matter and is certain his optics are tricking him.

·Your talk of technique quickly surprises him by shifting to inspiration, which to you is the primary driving force of your work, as it influences how you go about conveying the subject matter. Eager to share what you mean, you explain that anything can have beauty worthy of capturing if you just take the time to look at it right. Even the most mundane or seemingly unappealing things can be remarkable if you know their story, and you want to convey that energy as wordlessly as possible.

·A little overwhelmed but quite impressed by your manner of reasoning, he rather jokingly asks if even beings like himself could ever inspire you, or perhaps another artist with your mindset. He's caught off gaurd like never before when you, quite enthusiastically, reply that he most certainly can and does! To keep his composure he recalls portraits of his likeness being commissioned to inspire his soldiers, but never believing these fell under the category of art so much as they did propaganda. They often depicted him quite... violently as well.

·Having never seen these pieces, you reply that your own experience is tied more to how you see him now, and you flip through your sketchbook to demonstrate. As close to your level as can be, he's speechless while you explain what you wanted to capture about him in each sketch, whether it's a quick study or a detailed project; and that's how safe he makes you feel. Hearing himself referred to as a protector cuts straight through his powerful armor.

·You depict him looking almost... gentle? Hearing you describe the his immense size as a source of comfort and his strength as a tool of keeping peace processes about as clearly to him as a foreign language, but he nods along and keeps the conversation going until his duties call him away. Though he says nothing of it, he volunteers himself for more of the physically demanding work around the ship. His body's purpose had always been decided for him, but you've reminded him he has the only true say in its use, and that everything really is a matter of perspective. Perhaps he'll take up sketching once this is all over.

Rodimus

·He's certainly always had an appreciation for visual appeal, even if his idea of beauty doesn't often overlap with what most would consider artistically valuable. This and his natural alertness makes him quick to notice you often sketch about the ship, frequently when he's present, but at first he leaves you alone to work in peace. Having a hobby on this crew is beyond valuable, and he doesn't want to distract you from a passion... That is, until he decides on one especially slow day to just ask you what you like to doodle about.

·You can tell he wants to be a little nosy, if only because he's naturally a curious bot about these things, but you're more than happy to share regardless. There's a lot due to the ample downtime on the quest, and he has to squint so he can properly scan the many sketches on the human sized paper. He happily recognizes friends, locales about the ship, even earth things he knows about... but he's not ready when he finds a picture of himself.

·While he remains outwardly playful, teasing you with how he'd pose if you only asked, he's internally flattered that you took the time to draw him. More specifically, he's touched by the way you drew him. The sketches and portraits portray him as a calm but amicable leader, standing tall and serving as a guide to those around him, a true "father to his men" kind of bot... it's everything he wants to be, but is quite certain he's not. He's barely able to keep up his smooth persona when he asks about your process.

·You explain that you find inspiration in everything, but he's been your chosen subject lately for a lot of reasons. It's no secret he's handsome, but you see something more when you look at him, and you did everything you could to show it here; there's a real leader in him. Maybe some bots don't see it under all the bluster and sarcasm, but you see how much he cares for every bot on his crew. He wants to be the best for all of them, and even if he struggles at times, that effort is beautiful to you.

·It takes everything in him to bite back some very embarrassing tears, and the crack in his voice doesn't help him hide the emotion, though he covers that up with unconvincing coughs and claims something got in his optic. From then on he seems to stand a little taller and find his assigned duties a little easier to bear, but you absolutely notice how he poses in what he believes to be heroic fashion whenever your sketchbook comes out. Inspired by his enthusiasm, you invite him to model more officially, and the crew is just happy to see him so enthusiastic.

Minimus

·Being as observant as he is, your consistent appraisal of your surroundings is not something he'd ever miss, but your frequent sketching in the most random places does leave him absolutely mystified. Every time he sees you there's artistic supplies on your person, but he can't find anything that appears to be worthy of putting to paper, so what could you be drawing? He respects your privacy too much, and feels too silly about his curiosity, to interpret and ask you for an explanation.

·Thus it's with some small eagerness that he finds one of your sketchbooks after it's been misplaced, and he sees the perfect opportunity to slip in a question. For the sake of handling something so tiny, he approaches without his armor, offering the lost item back with barely concealed pride at your delight to have it returned. In the moment of truth he nearly falters, but does indeed manage to ask what you draw around the ship. He leaves out the fact that he's observed you whenever you draw in his presence.

·The question has an answer only he seems to think isn't obvious; him! You spend time together frequently, and while everything is fair game for sketching, he's a very regular subject for you. Whether he's wearing the Magnus armor or not, you explain that the commanding aura he radiates is something you can't help but find beautiful. That word choice baffles him enough that he has to interrupt; beautiful? Commanding? Even without his armor?? You're delighted to assure him that you absolutely mean that.

·Hearing you describe the details of your reasoning, like the quiet dignity of his stance or the calm intelligence of his red optics, touches his spark in ways he wasn't expecting. He's calm and speaks softly as he keeps the conversation going, asking questions about your various works and listening attentively when you answer, processing your view of the universe as being packed with beauty in all the places people don't think to look.

·Any bot that sees him during the remainder of the day absolutely notices the change to his entire demeanor; namely that he's smiling a soft and barely perceptible smile. It's not long after he requests a few sketches from you to keep in his office, whether they're of him or not, and he has them framed in places of honor. He doesn't tell you, but you figure it out, that one particular drawing of him you gift for his sake is kept securely stored in a compartment by his spark.

Swerve

·Many bots may see him being a tad bit on the shallow side when it comes to the arts, but our beloved barkeep has his own unique appreciation for creativity and all the ways it can be visually expressed, and you recognize it not long after meeting him. As his bar is a frequent hangout for everyone, you find it to be a fantastic place to sit and sketch, as the variety of bots makes it quite easy to have your choice of subjects even if you have to sit on a table. Obviously Swerve notices and asks you what you're drawing when traffic slows one evening.

·You're happy to show him your work and he's always eager to hear what everyone is up to, so he starts asking questions about your art in general. How long have you been an artist? What's it like suddenly having a whole ship of aliens to sketch? Why draw here all the time? At that query you light up brilliantly, and he's delighted by your enthusiasm as you describe all the incredible sights the bar has to offer.

·You list some of your favorite things to draw, like the many friend groups on the ship that gather here, the brilliant colors of the glowing vats of enjex, and him smiling and rushing with orders through it all. That last one gets a flash of surprise from behind his visor, which is quickly overtaken by exuberant delight; you've been drawing him?! He babbles out a surge of confusing statements that you're eventually able to interpret as a request to see, just one he's too bashful to say directly.

·Happily obliging, you're touched by how he smiles at every little sketch, and feel compelled to explain that he's a big part of why you love drawing here. You try to see beauty in everything, even what often gets overlooked, and there's so very much of that here. The bar is one of those places that everyone knows is special, but you know he's the reason they love it like they do, and that his enthusiasm and hard work hold it all together. You find that inspiring, and actually quite beautiful. It doesn't hurt that his brilliant smile is always a treat to sketch.

·Trying to play it cool and totally failing, he doesn't quite hide that he's near to tears when he asks if you'd like to hang some of your work up in the bar, or maybe have a little corner for yourself to draw from. He just doesn't want you getting squished while you sketch, is all! And having a better vantage point is ideal for someone so small! When you accept, he gives you your own human sized accommodations not too far from the heart of the bar, and every so often when you sketch he'll glance up at you absolutely beaming.

[spencessmile]

I’ll Always Take Care Of You

Pairing - Spencer Reid x Reader 

Summary - Some days are harder than others, your boyfriend makes sure he's always there for you. 

Warning - Fluff 

Word Count -  1149 words

And all imagines/fanfics/blurbs are written solely by me so please don't steal my work and post it without my consent. Happy Reading. 

** 

I jammed the key into the lock and closed the door behind me, dropping my keys and bag next to Spence's brown satchel on the floor. I had thee most stressful day at work that I could cry. 

If I didn't need this job, I would have marched into the managers office and handed in my resignation letter and never looked back. But I couldn't do that because this job was the only thing keeping me stable in life.

I was so frustrated, I noticed an empty glass sitting on the side table next to the couch, I grabbed it and chucked it against the bookshelf, watching it smash into a million pieces. The glass sort of represented my life, I was fragile as glass and with the right words or actions I could break in an instant.

It broke me too think that I am this breakable. 

I stood there for a couple of seconds before everything became too much. 

"DAMN IT!" I shouted, I fell to the ground, tears streaming down my face. I noticed the living room lights turn on and a blurry figure running towards me. 

"Baby, what's wrong?" Spencer's voice was ringing in my ears. He bent down to my level and wrapped his arms around me, inhaling his vanilla scent mixed with coffee just made me cry harder. "Hey, hey, it's okay." He rubbed my back. I was crying so hard I found it hard to catch my own breathe. "Babe, please breathe." Spencer's whispers into my ear and I try. "It's okay, let it out. I'm here. It's alright." 

I don't know how long Spencer and I stayed on the floor but I pulled back and looked up at him. His golden brown eyes filled with worry. 

"Come on," Spencer and I head into our shared bedroom and I head straight into the washroom for a hot shower. "Take as long as you need, I'll make you something to eat." Spencer handed me a pair of pajamas and kissed my forehead. 

I stood in the shower until the hot water turned cold. I changed into the pair of pajamas and dried my wet hair. Spencer was sitting on the bed, reading a book. He closed it as soon as he realized I was out of the shower. I threw the towel aside and he reached for my hands. 

"Feel a little bit better?" He asked, moving some hair out of my face. I nodded. "Good. Come on." We head into the living room and I sit on the couch, the tv playing a random episode of Doctor Who. 

"I'll be back with your dinner." A few moments later, Spence comes back holding a tray. He places in front of you. 

"Spence you didn't have to do this." The tray consists of Dino chicken nuggets, canned chicken noodle soup and a packet of cheddar goldfish.

"I wanted to do this. Also, I know you love your carbohydrates but we don't have any bread so I couldn't make you favorite night time sandwich." I chuckled. 

"No, this is perfect." I leaned in for a kiss and our lips molded together, before anything could escalate, Spence pulls back. 

"You need to eat." He motioned at the plate, he got up. 

"Where you going?" I grabbed for his hand. 

"I'll be back, continue eating." 

A couple of seconds passed and Spence walked out, holding my favorite royal blue plush blanket, wrapping it around my shoulders. After I finished eating, I discarded the dishes to the kitchen and snuggled closer to Spence. I wrapped my arm around his torso as we both continued watching the episode.

My eyes stated to slowly shut to hearing Spence's heartbeat. 

"Hey, sleepyhead, let's get you to bed. Come on." Spence grabbed for my hand but I lifted my head and sat in place. "What's wrong?" He asked, facing me. 

"I'm sorry." I simply stated. 

"For what?"

"For being really hard to love sometimes." 

"Why would you think your hard to love?" 

"Because I am." 

He shakes his head and intertwines our hands. "No, your not." 

"Oh, but I am." 

"No, loving you is the best thing I've ever decided to do in this lifetime." 

"Your just saying that to make me feel better about myself." I looked away from him. "Hey, hey, look at me." I looked back at him and he cupped my right cheek, I leaned into his hand. 

"I love you because you have such a beautiful smile that makes me happy, I love getting your goofy crazy good night messages from you, when I'm away on a case. I love how you motivate me every single day to be a better me. I love how you understand me, and when you don’t, you do everything you can to try. I love how you always believe in me. I love how you make an effort with my mom when we go to visit her, because you know how much she means to me. Because you make me laugh so hard. I love you because you are always kind to other people, even if they don’t deserve it. I love how you care deeply about my success and my happiness. I love how you never give up on me, even when I’m at my worst. I love how you may not always agree with my decisions but you always trust me to make them. I lov-" 

Spence stopped when he heard me sniffle. 

"Please stop before my heart bursts out of my chest." I say barely above of whisper. 

"There's been a new study that shows that you can get a heart attack from being too happy. Too much any emotion can cause your heart to weaken an-" Before Spencer could finish his sentence, I crack a laugh, avoiding eye contact. 

Spence raises my chin with his hand. 

"I need you to know that as long as you have me you will never be alone. I will be here and I will always love you." My body molds into Spencer's as I tightly hugged him. 

I pulled away and he wiped my tears away. "There's only one thing I don't love about you." 

I looked up, tears forming again at his words. "I don't love your tears." 

"Their happy tears." I playfully smack his chest. 

"Then those are the only tears that should ever be in your eyes." 

"Thank you for taking care of me." 

"I'll always take care of you." 

** 

I will love you till my bones are brittle and love is all I have left - a.r. asher 

[ayatosmlktea]

Hi may i request some levi x reader in which she is a gentle nurse who goes to the underground ocassionally to help the kids in need there? Kinda like charity idk. Levi (still living in there with Farlan and Isabel) thinks her actions are not selfless or maybe resents her by thinking she looks down on all of the underground citizens, until Farlan gets injured and the reader helps them, making Levi see her in a new light, having a crush on her. Thanks you

A/N: This was a great request! Sorry it took so long! This request is just about 4000 words...I obviously got carried away with it but I hope you enjoy it!!!!!

𝑱𝒖𝒅𝒈𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒍 

To say that Levi despised her was an understatement. The way she would come and go as she pleased, pitying their despairing life was vile to him. There was absolutely no way that anyone of her social standing could do anything out of the kindness of their own hearts. 

There was always an ulterior motive.  At first he hadn’t paid much attention to her presence, figuring that once she got a taste of what the underground was like she would go running back to the surface at the first sight of filth. He hadn’t paid much attention to the medical care she was giving a few of the kids, sure he could appreciate the poor underfed brats being taken care of. No one looked out for anyone down there, it was eat or be eaten.

Levi didn’t know why her presence made him so annoyed, or why the mere sight of her had his skin crawling in a way that made him want to scrub his skin until it was raw. Levi hated pity, especially when it came from spoiled good-for-nothing rich outsiders. The last thing any of them needed were constant reminders of how close the lives they wanted were only to have it ripped from their grasp. Isabel and Farlan were less jaded than Levi was and a little bit too trusting of the gentle stranger that came in and out of the underground.

“She’s really nice, big bro! You should give her a chance!” Isabel pleaded, Levi merely scoffed. Like he would ever let himself get close to her kind. The last thing he needed was some stuck up snobby rich girl pitying him.

“I’ll pass,” Levi replied, his tone indicating that the conversation should end there. Isabel sighed dramatically but decided to drop the topic for now knowing that if she pushed any harder she was never going to get Levi to even look at Y/N. Rounding the corner a sneer flashed across his face as his eyes met the crouched form of the unofficial underground nurse.

“Come on, let me see that beautiful smile of yours” Levi rolled his eyes at the soft words that made the small girl giggle.  Pulling out a few tissues from her bag she wiped away any stray tears on the child’s face and then gave her extra ones to blow her nose.

“This is going to hurt a little bit but you can handle it right? You’re a tough cookie!” The red haired child nodded tentatively, her hands clenched in her lap while the h/c woman unwrapped a pad of alcohol wipes and rubbed it over a fairly nasty scrape on the girl's knee. Her fingers worked quickly as she wrapped white gauze around the little girl’s knee, securing it with clips and medical tape.

“There! All better” The kind hearted smile she gave the little girl while handing her a small piece of chocolate had his stomach churning.

“See! Told ya she was nice” Isabel chirped, skipping over to chat with her newly made friend. Levi was not impressed, not in the slightest.

“What’s your deal?” He asked, looking down at her with an unwavering gaze that would have had most men running with their tail between their legs. E/C eyes finally raised to meet his glare, her brow cocked as she let out a scoff.

“Why do I need to have a deal? Can’t I just help because I want to?” Packing up the bandages into her small black bag she stood up, smoothing the creases on her skirt. She was taller than Levi, crossing her arms over her chest and rested her weight on one leg. Her sudden cocky demeanour a complete flip from the kind-hearted young woman that had been crouched before him seconds ago.

“No, no one does shit just because they want to. Everyone has a price, what’s yours?” Y/N rolled her eyes, a curt laugh grating against his ears painfully.

“What a cynical worldview you have, some of us don’t give a shit about money. These kids need help, would you rather I let them succumb to preventable infections and have them suffer?”

“Tch, no one here needs your charity. Whatever you’re expecting to get from these people you think you’re helping isn’t going to happen. Stop giving these kids false hope, all you’re doing is waving your perfect life in their faces while reminding them that they’re never going to live one” Levi’s words were cold, sharp and unforgiving. Every sentence gradually louder than the next until he was spitting his feelings of resentfulness easily and without restraint.

“I’m assuming you’re Levi. Isabel did say you were a bit difficult to get to know.” Levi’s eyes briefly glanced over at the bashful looking red-head before focusing on Y/N.

“I don’t care what your opinions of me are, if you don’t like me then stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours!” Not giving Levi the chance to come up with another jab to her intentions she turned her back on him and started walking off with Isabel at her side.

Clicking his tongue in annoyance Levi strode off in the opposite direction, he would make damn sure that their paths never crossed again.

.·。.·゜✭·.·✫·゜·。..·

“You’ve got to be kidding me” Levi groaned, it seemed that no matter how hard he tried to avoid her, they always seemed to run into each other. Y/N’s presence had become too frequent for Levi’s liking. He couldn’t shake his gut feeling that her intentions were not as innocent as she wanted them to think. 

What normal person went out of their way to care for kids they had no obligations to? Even their own parents didn’t seem to care about them as much as Y/N did. Levi had no idea what was so appealing about her, he was surprised Isabel continued to hang around her for as long as she did.

“Hey it’s okay! It’s only going to feel like a little pinch for two seconds and then it’s over” Y/N was trying to soothe a crying boy, he looked scared and if Levi didn’t know any better she looked exhausted. Her clothes were stained in a mixture of dirt and what looked like blood. 

His nose scrunched at how dirty she was. Noticing the small needle in her hands Levi could gather enough to know that she was having trouble trying to calm the frantic boy sitting across from her. There was a white bandage wrapped around his upper arm.

He should have just kept walking, completely ignored her and pretended that she didn’t exist, but his feet wouldn’t move.

Her eyes slowly raised, a small spark of relief flashed across her face.

“Can you please hold him still for me? I just need to give him this shot so he doesn’t get an infection” Her tone was soft but her eyes were pleading with him for help. Figuring that it was better to get it over with, and not because he felt any compassion for her, Levi squatted down nudging the child to look at him.

“Listen kid, just sit still and let her give you the shot. Otherwise you’re going to get sick, is that what you want?” She inwardly cringes at his absence of gentleness but it seems to work, and she isn’t going to argue with it.

“There! It’s all done, wasn’t so bad was it?” she smiles brightly at the boy who wipes away a few tears shaking his head. Handing him a small piece of chocolate, the same thing she did after treating every one of her ‘patients’, she checked the bandage on his arm one last time.

“Make sure you wash this properly tonight okay? Have your sister wrap it again tomorrow morning and don’t go playing around with metal, got it?” Y/N says sternly, handing him a small roll of bandages.

“Thank you, miss” he sniffles, giving her a quick hug before running off.

“Still running your charity business I see” Levi mutters, Y/N rolls her eyes in response.

“Do you really think I’d still be doing this for free if I didn’t care about these kids? I’ve had my fair share of intimidation down here” Y/N replies, it wasn’t unlike Levi to make jabs at her work. It had already been nearly three months of consistently sneaking down into the underground and caring for the sick, hurt children and occasionally some of the adults.

“I know how you feel about me but I’m not going to justify my actions, I help people who need it. That’s it! There’s nothing in it for me except being able to sleep at night knowing that I’m able to make a difference for these kids” She’s persistent, Levi gives her that much. It’s almost a little endearing. Endearing? Where the hell did that come from, Levi shakes his head. He was not about to get soft for her, no matter how pure her intentions seemed. 

At the end of the day their worlds were never meant to collide.

.·。.·゜✭·.·✫·゜·。..·

Levi didn’t know why their paths always collided. He couldn’t explain why he was watching her like some creep from a distance. If he didn’t see her at least once a week he knew something was off. Nearly all the kids had taken a liking to her, even some of the older troublesome teenagers were putty in her hands. 

Perhaps it was the gentle touch she so willingly and freely gave that they’d never know. Levi watched her work with a fascination that he would never let her know, her fingers were gentle and skilled. Not once had she ever commented on their lifestyle or made them feel the way that everyone viewed them.

 She didn’t seem to mind the dirt and filth that clung to her clothes, and was more than willing to spend extra time with the children she helped care for. Maybe she wasn’t like the others, maybe there was something different about her heart. His many harsh jabs at her never deterred her and she was more than capable of holding her own against his crass humor.

Somewhere along half heartedly insulting her he’d actually come to miss her presence. After her confession last time that she’d run into the less favourable men of the underground, Levi had taken it upon himself to personally escort her back to the entrance. He was a well known thug, people wouldn’t bother her if they knew what was good for themselves. 

Y/N couldn’t say she wasn’t grateful, and more often than once she’d found herself wanting to kiss him. It was a little ridiculous, falling for someone who acted like they didn’t want anything to do with her, but underneath layers of walls that had been up to keep his heart protected was a very vulnerable person. Y/N chalked it up to her nurturing nature, it had to be the only reasonable explanation for why she craved his presence at night. 

She was also fairly close to Farlan, except he didn’t bring a parade of butterflies with him whenever he was around. He didn’t make her uncharacteristically nervous, and he most definitely didn’t make her swoon when their eyes met. Sighing in defeat, Y/N covers her head with her pillow. 

She had a thing for Levi, and she had it bad.

.·。.·゜✭·.·✫·゜·。..·

The door to their house slams open, Levi and Farlan stumble in both covered in a mixture of blood and dirt. Farlan looks a lot worse for wear than Levi, a large pool of blood soaking through his shirt. His face is deathly pale and there are large beads of sweat dripping down his face and he can barely stand on his own.

“What happened?” Isabel cries rushing towards the two, helping Levi carry Farlan over to the couch and lying him down.

“We got ambushed” Levi huffs under his breath, he would’ve had no trouble taking out the thugs that had jumped them if Farlan hadn’t been sliced open while he had been caught off guard.

Lifting his shirt Isabel nearly gags, the wound is deep and wide across his stomach with blood flowing out.

“Get some towels and put pressure on it, we need to stop the bleeding” Levi orders snapping Isabel out of her trance.

While they’re all fairly good at stitching up small wounds, neither of them have ever done anything this big before and at the rate that Farlan is losing blood they need to act fast.

“Go get Y/N! She can help” Levi wants to say no, he’s stubborn and too prideful to admit that they need her help.

“Please!” Levi doesn’t say anything, one look at Farlan’s face is enough to convince him that now would be the right time to swallow his pride. He doesn’t even know where to start looking for her but at least his ODM gear can make the search for her faster.

It almost feels like luck is on their side, Y/N isn’t far from their house and Levi almost flies right into her as she rounds a corner.

“I need your help” Y/N can’t contain her shock, not once in all her time in the underground had Levi ever asked her for help and on top of it he looked like he’d been to hell and back.

“What’s wrong with you?” She asks jokingly not thinking his request was actually serious. Her eyes assess his black eye and cut lip.

“It’s Farlan” Her eyes widen ever so slightly, the pit of dread in her stomach signaling that it was probably bad if Levi had grown some balls to ask for her help.

“Please” Y/N is sure she’s been knocked out or at the very least hallucinating and she wants to make a witty jab but the look in his eyes is one she’s never seen before. It’s almost desperate, and if she looks a little closer, scared. Nodding she lets out a surprised yelp when Levi grabs her in his arms.

“Don’t let go” he mumbles before manoeuvring them through the streets.

“Yeah, like I’d do that!” She tries to sound sassy but the feeling of soaring through the air makes the words catch in her throat coming out more scared than anything. Y/N can’t deny that the feeling of zipping so freely through the air is just as exhilarating as it is terrifying, it’s something she’s always wanted to experience. Her eyes always followed the trio with amazement and adoration at how effortless they made it look.

Her arms tighten around his neck as he makes a sharp turn and she wonders if she imagines the barely audible sharp intake of air he takes. His feet hit the ground and the force of his momentum is  hard enough to throw her out of his grasp if it weren’t for his arms holding her against him.

“Um thanks” she mutters, hoping to God that her face isn’t as red as it feels.

Her legs are a little wobbly and her heart feels like it’s going to burst out of her chest and she’s sure her face is on fire. Levi ushers her into the house, his hand just ghosting over the small of her back leaving sparks of electricity in their place.

“Y/N! Thank gods you’re here” Isabel nearly cries with relief, her hands are soaked with Farlan’s blood and it makes her stomach churn. She’d been expecting something bad, but this was almost beyond her capabilities.

“Okay I need a bowl of warm water, some more towels, a bucket and I need an extra pair of hands.” Dropping her bag next to the couch and rolling up her sleeves she looks to Levi.

“Do you have somewhere else we can move him? Preferably a table?” Y/N and Levi carefully move Farlan’s barely conscious body onto the large table they dragged from the kitchen beside  the couch. Levi grimaces at the blood soaked cushions, guilt eating away at him. Isabel brings over a bowl of warm water and towels.

“Maybe you should wait outside Izzy, you did a great job stabilizing him until I got here” Y/N gives Isabel a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to” she offers, while washing her hands.

“Of course I’m staying” he rolls his eyes, almost offended that she would insinuate he couldn’t handle it. Sure it was messy but Farlan was his family.

“Okay then let’s get started. We’re running out of time”

.·。.·゜✭·.·✫·゜·。..·

What felt like hours later, Y/N closed the last stitch. Her fingers were so cramped she couldn’t uncurl them, her feet and back were aching but Farlan would live. He’d lost a substantial amount of blood, but there was nothing she could do about that for now. 

She’d have to come back with more supplies tomorrow. All she wanted to do was collapse onto the floor and sleep, her eyes were burning and blurry. Levi had gone to call Isabel inside and the two carried Farlan into his room. She grabbed the bloodied towels and threw them into the garbage. She’d have to bring more towels too.

“You should rest” Levi murmurs from beside her causing her to jump out of her skin.

“God Levi, don’t do that!” she huffs, her body just barely leaning against his as he moves to turn off the tap water.

“Someone's jumpy” he smirks, enjoying the crimson tint that spreads over her face. God his smirk was lethal.

“Shut up” Y/N huffs, drying her hands. Her body was so tired she could barely pick her feet up. Levi grabs her by the upper arm, leading her to his bedroom. Even in her state of exhaustion she feels the room becoming smaller and hotter as she watches him sort through his clothes, finally throwing her a plain shirt.

“Change and then get some sleep, you look like shit” Levi directs her to the bathroom.

“Always so charming” Y/N mutters, feeling a little self conscious at his comment. It wasn’t the first time he’d commented on her appearance but it was the first time that it made her feel self-conscious. Maybe it was because this was the first time she’d ever seen a side to his personal life, or maybe it was because all she wanted was one compliment from him.

 It was probably pointless, the Levi she’d grown to love didn’t come off as someone who had time to let anyone else in. Looking back at her reflection in the mirror, she had to admit he had a point. Her hair was a little frizzy, strands were coming undone from her ponytail and the circles under her eyes were a little darker than usual. 

Despite being too tired to even think about putting effort into her appearance, the feelings for Levi that had taken over her rational mind would not allow her to leave the bathroom without even trying to look half decent.

Wearing his shirt was something else entirely, it smelled like him, which was probably creepy of her to say but it made a longing to call him hers pang in her heart.

“Stop being so fucking soft” she scolds herself mentally. It wasn’t going to do her any good to fall for him. Not that it had worked in slowing down her feelings.

“Just tell her! What’s the worst that could happen?” She hears Isabel say through the door, her curiosity spiking.

“She could hear me” Levi responds dryly.

“Is that big bro’s shirt?” Isabel asked, her eyes darting to Levi briefly, as Y/N walked out of the bathroom.

“Uh, yeah” she mumbled feeling suddenly tiny under Isabel and Levi’s gaze. Something unreadable flashes across Isabel’s face before grabbing the dirty clothes out of her hands.

“I’ll go wash these for you!” She chirps.

“Oh no it’s okay, I can do it!” Y/N protests but Isabel is having none of it.

“Y/N please, you saved Farlan’s life. This is the least I can do” Y/N still felt guilty letting Isabel wash her clothes but she knew how stubborn the red-head could be.

“Go sleep, you need it” It was strange being in Levi’s room, it was personal and intimate and yet it felt like she was just a stranger looking in. His room was clean, unsurprisingly, there weren’t many things in it but she didn’t have to ask him to know that whatever was in the room had some sentimental value to him.

“The bed isn’t going to bite” Levi declared once again giving her a heart attack.

“Stop doing that! At least make noise or something” Y/N groaned, willing her heart to calm down. The two of them sat awkwardly on the edge of his bed, not saying anything and it was only making her more nervous.

“Thank you” his words were so quiet she wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t sitting so close to her.

“You don’t need to thank me, I’m always happy to help” Y/N replied truthfully, it was something she would have done for anyone else.

“I guess I was wrong about you” he chuckled softly, her heart was pounding in her chest so hard it physically hurt. This was the first time she’d seen him smile, let alone laugh. Levi turned his head, his eyes lingering on her lips long enough to make the back of her neck prickle with heat.

 She didn’t know what spurred it, maybe she was too tired to care, but she found herself leaning into him and to her surprise Levi wasn’t moving away. His hand cupped the side of her face bringing their lips together in a kiss that was anything but gentle. Her entire being was screaming, nerves on fire and heart about to explode. It was everything she had ever dreamed of and more.

Levi had never felt anything softer or tasted anything sweeter than her lips. It made his head spin, and his stomach flip with nerves. His mind was so overwhelmed with pleasure that the sting of his cut lips didn’t even register in his mind. He didn’t want to stop kissing her but his lungs were burning for air. 

Y/N pulled him right back in, her fists gripping the collar of his shirt and his other hand tangles itself in her hair at the nape of her neck. Kissing her was addictive, it felt like finally coming up for air and the feeling of her hands cupping his jaw had his nerves short circuiting. Eventually, her impulsivity wore off and the realization of what she’d done hit her hard.

“I can’t believe we just kissed” she whispered, bringing a hand to her slightly swollen lips which were still tingling from his touch. Levi immediately took her words to mean that she regretted it and his body tensed, waiting for her to take it back.

“Oh, was it a mistake then?”

“No! That’s not what I meant!” she explains frantically knowing that he’ll shut her out at the slightest hint of rejection

“I obviously have feelings for you, dumbass” Levi rolls his eyes and scoffs.

“So articulate, Y/N”

“I’ve thought about doing that for a while” she mumbles, Levi could feel the tips of his ears growing hot at her confession.

“Say something! I look like an idiot confessing all by myse-” Levi drags her back in for another kiss effectively cutting her off.

“Is this a good enough confession for you?” He smirks and suddenly Y/N isn’t that tired anymore.

“I don’t know, you might need to convince me a little more”

[jumukus]

A3! Translation: Spring Troupe’s Interview From Documentary Book’s “Moment of Spring”

Translation under the cut.

First of all, while looking at the photos on the cover, please tell us what happened on the day you took them.

Sakuya: It was a frame of the Spring Troupe's spring!

Chikage: I wonder if Sakuya was holding Hina dolls in his photo.

Citron: Oh, I know that! Isn't that the thing that was born while chirping after you kept it warm for three days and three nights?

Tsuzuru: It's not that "Hina."

Itaru: It's a different Hina.

Masumi: ...These ugly Hina dolls are put in the theater lobby.

Sakuya: Wow, Masumi-kun! You sure have a sharp eye.

Masumi: It’s because Director and I helped decorate them there.

Sakuya: Oh, I see. To tell you the truth, it was all due to Manager saying that the theater lobby felt kind of empty. And given that it's March, we decided to decorate the lobby with Hina Festival-themed items.

Tsuzuru: Not to mention that a lot of the audience members are girls.

Chikage: The Masumi in this photo… Was he about to give a present to Director?

Itaru: That expression is exclusive for Director only. He's so easy to read.

Tsuzuru: If I remember correctly, this was taken during White Day. I remember seeing him grinning ear to ear while staring at the present in our room.

Masumi: I was imagining Director's reaction after I gave her that present. I was sure she'd be surprised but at the same time so happy she couldn't stop laughing… Then, she'd blissfully say, "Thank you. I'll treasure it."

Itaru: Surprised but so happy she couldn't stop laughing?

Citron: Now I'm curious about what your present is!

Sakuya: So was she happy about the present?

Masumi: Not telling. It was a memory that only me and Director share.

Citron: Aw, Masumi is a cheapskate~.

Sakuya: Meanwhile… things seemed to be lively in Tsuzuru-kun's photo!

Tsuzuru: My brothers started fighting when I was making sakura mochi for our cherry blossom viewing. I know I should've just left them be since they're always fighting, but… I couldn't help but speak out.

Chikage: You're truly a natural born big brother, handling this kind of thing by reflexes.

Citron: Is that a carnation you were holding, Itaru?

Masumi: For mother's day?

Itaru: Yep. I was planning to buy flowers and stop by my home. My sister apparently predicted this and asked me to buy her sweets. I was talking to her in the photo. They're all very popular stores that can have people waiting in line. But well, they have pretty tolerable prices…

Masumi: Looking at your expression, you should have found some excuses to refuse her.

Itaru: You could say that because you don't how my sister is when she's mad…

Citron: I want to meet Itaru's rumored sister one day!

Masumi: ...Citron's pose looked weird in this one.

Sakuya: Whoa, the bamboo shoots are big!

Citron: I call it, "ever-growing bamboo shoots" pose~. The greengrocer uncle from the shopping district gave those fine bamboo shoots to me!

Tsuzuru: You really are the idol of the shopping district… As long as Citron-san is here, looks like we don't need to worry about hunger issue. It's already been taken care of without us knowing.

Itaru: Last one is senpai… Huh? Is it really okay to have your photo like this? You were in the middle of doing some dangerous side jobs in this one, right?

Chikage: What do you take me for? As you can see, I was making a helmet with origami.

Masumi: I saw this helmet in the theater lobby. It was so symmetrical and terrifyingly well-made.

Tsuzuru: It felt like that helmet brought out Chikage-san's personality.

Citron: We all were enjoying spring and taking a very blissful shot!

Sakuya: That's right! Spring is indeed such a lovely season!

Then, as we looked back at your plays up until the sixth one, please tell us an event that left the most impression on you.

Citron: It would take forever, you know! We have a loooot of memories together, though I think the turning point of Spring Troupe was during our debut and fourth play.

Tsuzuru: During our debut play, we were all still beginners in theater and were still figuring out everything. Chikage-san joined us during our fourth play and we became a six-member group… I've gotta admit we underwent a major change as a troupe that time.

Sakuya: In addition, it was during the preparation for these two plays that we slept on the stage together!

Tsuzuru: The first time we did it was because Yuzo-san roasted us so bad, so we decided to sleep onstage to understand the play better. During our fourth play, we already invited Chikage-san but since he had work to do, we couldn't do it...

Masumi: But when we headed to the theater for our morning practice, these two were sleeping. Thus, I slept too.

Itaru: We were so noisy at that time so I figured you'd wake up soon, but… you sure slept like a log, huh, senpai?

Chikage: I still woke up in the end since your snoring was too loud, though.

Itaru: Seriously?

Masumi: You do look like the type who snores loudly.

Chikage: Joking aside… back then, I was surprised when I woke up and found you all there.

Citron: Oh, so our prank was a big success in the end! I wanna throw another slumber party with you all~.

Sakuya: Me too! I want to chat about a lot of things with you all!

Masumi: About love?

Itaru: I have a feeling Masumi's gonna monopolize that talk.

Tsuzuru: Heck yeah…

Chikage: That sounds fun. Why not?

Now that all of you have experienced becoming the leading actors, please tell us what kind of roles or performance you want to have.

Chikage: Since we have Tsuzuru here, it wouldn't hurt to say whatever we want, right?

Tsuzuru: You have a point, and it can also be a motivation to act. For the time being, I'd like to hear what you want to do...

Citron: In that case, I wanna appear in a Japanese style play!

Itaru: ...Ah, in that case, don't you think adding fantasy element to the play will be cool? Like a youkai-themed play.

Tsuzuru: Some amazing suggestions came right at the very beginning… But well, given that we rarely deliver a Japanese style play, I think it may turn good.

Masumi: Then, I want to take on a knight role. Obviously, the one playing the princess will be--.

Tsuzuru: Since we already have KniRoun that had similar sense, I don't think we'll do that now.

Masumi: If so--.

Tsuzuru: Not a bridegroom role. If we're going to do a play set at a wedding hall, then we'll also have one of Spring Troupe members crossdress to play the bride.

Chikage: Tsuzuru crossdressing, huh… That's kind of new.

Sakuya: It may fit him, surprisingly.

Tsuzuru: Why me!? I'm banning you all from raising random flags!

Citron: Do you have any roles you want to play, Chikage?

Chikage: A role I want to play, huh… Since I've only performed three plays at the moment, there's nothing in particular.

Itaru: How about taking a non-glasses character once more? All of your characters are wearing glasses except Gawain.

Masumi: Playing a glasses character once per two plays?

Sakuya: But I feel like Chikage-san can pull of any kind of characters!

Tsuzuru: Well, yeah. Since you're good at stage combat… I think giving you another role with lots of action will be a great idea.

Chikage: Exercising is one of my fortes, so I'll do my best if you give me one. How about you, Sakuya?

Sakuya: ...It's not really a role, but I want to deliver a play with everyone in the theater troupe someday!

Itaru: That means the main cast will consist of 24 people.

Citron: Oh, it sounds very fun! I want to do it too!

Masumi: I support that idea. That way, we'll have less lines. Tsuzuru will probably die, though.

Itaru: That'll be Tsuzuru's posthumous work…

Tsuzuru: Please stop saying things that will bring bad luck like that! I do admit I feel like the Sanzu River comes into view, though! ...But well, I want to do that too one day. I have a feeling I can write a piece that I've never written until this day.

Sakuya: Whoa… I'm already looking forward to see what kind of characters and story that you'll come up with!

Chikage: So can I expect this piece to be your masterpiece?

Itaru: This'll be a piece that continues to be handed down in Japan's theater industry.

Citron: Non, non! It'll be a piece that easily sweeps the top categories at International Theater Awards.

Tsuzuru: H-Hey, I haven't even started writing it! Please stop raising the bar!

I'd also like to ask about your personal stories. Given that this book is dedicated to "Moments of Spring Troupe", can you tell us what kind of thing that is currently popular within your troupe?

Itaru: If I have to choose, I think it's Zahra's board game--the one that Prince Tangerine gave us as a souvenir during the sixth play.

Masumi: The game requires each of us to cultivate the uninhabited islands in Zahra, develop it and do some tradings.

Sakuya: The player with the most territories will be declared the winner at the end of the game! The game is so interesting that it has become our daily routine to play it once we're done with rehearsals!

Citron: I'm glad that everyone is enjoying the game! I also have a game that I'd like to recommend to you all, you see! I'll have Guy get it next time!

Chikage: Last time I checked there's also a game in which you become a spices merchant and get rich, right? I'm a little bit curious about that one.

Tsuzuru: No, I don't think the Zahra Kingdom has that kind of ga--.

Citron: I expected no less from Chikage! You even know that game! OK, I'll have them send that too!

Itaru: Wow, it does exist…

Last but not least, please send a message to the fans who are always supporting Spring Troupe.

Sakuya: On behalf of Spring Troupe… I'd like to thank you all for always supporting us! Before we knew it, we already held six plays. It was all thanks to your support that we were able to deliver this number of plays. Even if it's only one, we'll be happy if you have scenes or lines from our plays that are unforgettable to you. For our next play, we promise to give everything we can to deliver a beautiful performance to you all. Therefore--

Spring Troupe: Thank you for your continuous support!

T/N:

*Hina doll shares the same kanji as chick (雛) hence the misunderstanding.

**For those who don't know, Hina Festival is usually held on March 3.

***In Japanese myths, the Sanzu River is a river that people are said to cross on the seventh day after their death.

[woah-were-halfway-there]

Can you write a little fluffy piece of you and Auston in present time with being separated because of covid and all

Here you are my dear! It turned out longer than anticipated but oh welllll

Word count: 1.7k

Quarantine sucks, to put it simply. Places are closed, events have been cancelled, everyone is expected to stay home unless it’s essential to leave, and to make it all worse, you and Auston are spending it in different countries.

A week after the NHL announced the suspension of the remainder of the season, Auston flew back to Scottsdale. Seeing as this was before things got too intense, you still had to work and insisted that he go without you. Your office had plans to shut down by the end of that week as a precaution for the pandemic. After that, you knew you would be off for at least two weeks, so the plan was for you to fly to Scottsdale to be with your boyfriend then; but that never happened.

The severity of the situation got real bad real fast, and you were no longer able to travel. Therefore, you ended up having to stay in Toronto alone.

Auston remembers getting the text saying you had cancelled your flight as if it just happened yesterday. He had just woken up, that three-hour time difference between the two cities not helping the situation at all, and was quick in calling you to ask why.

“Aus, you should see the news,” you explained to him. “It’s a whole mess out there, and it only seems to be getting worse. Places are closing down, people are buying ridiculous amounts of toilet paper, and the government is advising that people don’t travel. Trudeau is closing the border, babe. I want to be there with you; I really do. I miss you so much already, but I don’t think I should leave Toronto just yet. Surely, this won’t take too long to blow over, and I’ll be there sooner than we both know it.”

Clearly, that was a bold assumption for you to make because over two weeks have gone by, and the two of you are still separated.

Auston still cannot get over the fact that you got stuck, and alone of all things. He hasn’t stopped beating himself up over it either. In Toronto, you don’t have a roommate to hang out with, seeing as it’s just you and Auston that live in your unit, and that alone only has made him feel so much worse about everything.

With social distancing, you can’t just go over to Mitch and Steph’s like you usually would either. Although it’s gotten to the point where the two have invited you to just stay with them until this all blows over, you keep saying no out of fear that you may have come in contact with the virus and could pass it on to them. That just wouldn’t be fair.

So, all that you really can do now is suck it up and try to make the most out of your isolation, even though it’s really hard sometimes. And god, do you miss your people. Without there being much to do other than the odd thing for work; all you’ve done is clean the condo, get groceries when you need them, watch a lot of Netflix, talk with Steph all while trolling Mitch in the comments on his Twitch streams, and of course, FaceTime you boyfriend as much as possible.

Regardless of how hard you’ve tried, you just haven’t been able to develop a routine you feel motivated enough to stick to. It’s a depressing time. So, the fact that you’re flopped on your bed, staring at the ceiling, with a half-empty bottle of wine resting next to you on the bedside table, and Champagne Supernova blaring from your Bluetooth speaker late on a Friday night; really shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone. You’re in quarantine; you’re allowed to mope.

Completely and utterly bored with your current situation, you roll over onto your side to grab your phone and wine from the table. Ignoring the empty wine glass that was there too, you settle on taking a swig right from the bottle and smiling sadly at the adorable picture of you and Auston that’s set as your lock screen. The image was from last summer when the two of you were on vacation with his family and just makes you feel so warm and fuzzy on the inside, even though it makes you long for how easy times were before all of this.

Great, another wave of depression.

Shaking your head clear of the intruding thoughts that decided to creep into your mind, you unlock your phone and start scrolling through social media… again. After opening Twitter and quickly getting bored with the content on there, you move to Instagram to see what the people and celebrities you follow are up too on there, only to be met by a picture posted by your boyfriend as soon as the app loads.

“No, why!?” You groan and flop onto your back again dramatically. You’re lucky the bottle of wine you’re holding is almost gone, or else it probably would have spilt everywhere with your dramatics, which you’re aware of, but really couldn’t care less about. After a moment of just laying there in silence, you eventually sit back up to take another sip of wine before setting it on the table and unlocking your phone, so you can really take in this new picture.

Everything about the picture feels like a direct attack. Not only is the scenery stunning with the beautiful Arizona sunset in the background, the image also consists of Auston looking fine as hell, shirtless, wearing one of the many snapbacks he owns to keep his hair out of his face, all while supposedly ‘discovering portrait mode.’ Honestly, how dare he?

You just can’t seem to look away. It’s such a good picture and man does it make you miss him even more. Without giving it a second thought, you close out of the app and open FaceTime, suddenly overcome by an intense feeling of neediness.  

Luckily for you, it doesn’t take long for him to answer the call.

“Hey, babe,” he greets before taking a sip of water and plopping down onto his couch. He’s still shirtless, wearing the same snapback, and the sun is still clearly setting out the large windows behind him, which makes it clear that this is a very new picture you just experienced, and you’re unsure if that makes you feel better or worse. “What’s up?”

“I miss you,” you pout and let out a sigh. “So much. And then you had to go and post that on Instagram, which was just rude on your part in complete honesty.”

“Sorry,” he chuckles and shakes his head while you roll your eyes at him. “I miss you too. How was your day?”

“Kind of not great,” you tell him honestly. “I’ve been feeling pretty down.”

“Ah, so that’s why I can hear Oasis playing.”

“They’re on my sad girl hours playlist, alright? What do you want from me?”

“I know they are,” he laughs again, but it isn’t long until his expression grows serious. “And nothing, other than for you to talk to me about what’s bugging you. What’s going on?”

Damn, he knows you well and is so good at easing into these types of conversations.

“It’s just,” you start and take a deep breath in hopes the tears you already feel pricking your eyes don’t decide to overflow. “I miss you, and our friends, and how life was before all of this. I know it’s only been two weeks, but Aus, I feel so alone. And don’t you dare try to blame yourself for that, ok? You’ve done so much for me already even though you’re so far away and honestly, just talking with you helps a lot. It reminds me that I’m not alone. That there’s a lot of people out there who love and care about me, it just sucks so bad being stuck here and it’s messing with my mental health quite a bit.”

“I know, babe, I know,” he soothes and lets out a sigh. “I want nothing more than to be with you right now. Whether that be here or there, I wouldn’t care. I just miss you so much, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling the way that you do. I know that me telling you all of this may not mean much seeing as I’m in a different freaking country, but I mean it. I love you and am always here to talk if you want to.”

Now you’re crying.

“I love you a whole lot.”

“Oh, no, please don’t cry, I-,” he apologizes, but you just shake your head.

“No, it’s ok,” you tell him and use the sleeve of his Maple Leafs sweater you’re wearing to wipe away the tears that broke free. “It feels good to let it all out, you know? Thank you for making me feel comfortable enough to do that.”

“Of course, anytime,” he assures you softly. “I’m always here. And I hope you know that as soon as we’re out of this, you’re not leaving my side. If you thought you could get sick of me before, just wait until we’re back in the same place together.”

“I could never get sick of you, Aus,” you chuckle and shake your head at how dramatic he’s being.

“If quarantine has made me realize anything, it’s never to take the time I get with you for granted ever again,” he explains, making your heart swell with affection. “I mean it.”

“I know,” you reply and smile at him. “The feeling’s mutual. I can’t wait to see you in person again.”

“Me neither. Going to hold on to you a little tighter, that’s for sure.”

He goes on to ask about the positives of your day, and you spend the next little bit telling him all you’ve accomplished in your free time and asking him about his day. After a while of chatting with your boyfriend, you eventually crawl into bed while remaining on the call, and attempt to watch an episode of Ozark together.

You end up falling asleep while on FaceTime, and Auston can’t help but smile at the peaceful image of you sleeping on his phone screen. Knowing he should probably start getting ready for bed soon too, Auston quietly reminds you that he loves you and hangs up before sending you a sweet text to wake up to and forcing himself to think about how all of this will be over soon and he’ll be back with you in no time.

[e-vasong]

Can I ask about your writing process?

Huge fan of your TUA fics here - the way you just GET the characters is incredible - its almost like reading a novel written by the actual show writers!

How do you go about your characterisation and your drafting process? Any tips on nailing the complexities of the characters (specifically five)?

Thanks!!!

:') This is literally so nice I don't know how to respond, oh my goodness. I wish I had, like, life-altering writing wisdom for you here, but I honestly feel like my entire process is kind of a mess. I'll share it with you anyways, though, just in case you can glean anything helpful from it. I’ll tuck it below a cut, but here it is (ft. some of my specific characterization notes on Five, since you asked :D).

Pre-draft: Concept stage! This can be a variety of things -- sometimes it's a specific scene. For me it's usually a challenge of some sort. I like to take things that I think are unlikely for a character (under what circumstances would [x] character ever become a bad guy? How would [x] character’s secrets get revealed if they never talk willingly about their emotions?) Then I build out from there. I outline sometimes now, but I’ve been winging all my pieces for so long that it’s pretty tough for me. 

Draft one: Throw things at the wall. If I let myself, I will spend way too long agonizing on making every word perfect on the first go around, and I’ll never write anything. So draft one has permission to be as bad as it needs to be: sentence fragments, OOC dialogue/actions, clunky word choice, the whole nine yards. The most important thing is getting the words/scenes on the page.

Draft two: What sticks? Everyone is different -- I find it easier to edit than to write in the first place. So here’s where I look over my work from draft one. Is my sentence structure variable enough? How are their voices? Their actions? Does the narration work with the POV I’m using for the scene? 

Like, okay. I’m working on chapter two of the end of the war right now. Currently, it includes this line:

“How did you even—” Five starts, then shakes himself.  Absolutely not.  He isn’t entertaining this.  “Luther.”

In retrospect, I’m not wild about it. It doesn’t sound in character to me. I’m not pulling out receipts right now or anything, but the more I think about it, the more that I feel certain that Five rarely expresses surprise unless really shocked. Part of this is likely the contrast between him in his siblings (all the stuff about the Apocalypse and time travel is familiar to him and new to them, so the show has a lot of “Five explains [x] to his siblings while they look flabbergasted by him.”)

Anyways, it doesn’t sit right. So maybe, instead:

Five frowns, taken off guard. He could ask, but--quite frankly--he’s starting to think that he doesn’t want to know. He does, however, know what this is a preface to -- Luther is going to meddle. 

“Luther,” Five says it like a warning. Luther either doesn’t hear it or doesn’t care.

Anyways, rinse and repeat step two as much as necessary, and you basically have my entire drafting process.

Characterization, though, I have a more thorough process for!

Fanon and meta is super, super helpful, but I definitely prefer to look at canon first and foremost. I find it easiest to build characterization by asking myself questions about the character! I mean, don’t get me wrong. The first step is just to...get your own read on their personality? And there’s no trick to that. Everyone comes away from watching a show/reading a book with a slightly different interpretation of a character’s personality. But when building off of that to write them, I find questions helpful. They vary from fandom to fandom, but, like, here are some of the questions I’ve asked myself while writing Five.

What motivates them? For Five, this is a super easy one. He literally says it at multiple points throughout the show. He’s motivated by his family. To the point of wanting to save the world because they’re a part of it. Five troops through injury and pain and discomfort, but one reference from Handler about a deal to save his family is enough to coerce Five into 1 - working with her when he doesn’t want to and 2 - taking a job that he doesn’t seem like he wants to take.

How far are they willing to go to get it? For Five, he’s willing to do pretty much anything.

Are there any contradictions in their characterization? This is a weirdly specific question, but! People are inherently contradictory. Sometimes in TV or movies or books, it’s just bad writing. But sometimes it’s because people are complicated. So, in TUA, Five is consistently a big-picture thinker throughout the series. He seems to view his job at the Commission with apathy because he knows that it’s part of maintaining the timeline and necessary for him to get back home and stop the Apocalypse. He plans to kill an innocent person because he believes the butterfly effect of their death could stop the end of the world. He is, in many ways, a utilitarian -- the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. The greater good sometimes requires a lesser evil. Pull the lever in the trolley problem, and kill the one to save the five. Unless that one is one of Five’s siblings. 

For instance, his dialogue with the Handler in season one seems to imply that he is willing to give up fighting the Apocalypse if and only if she can guarantee his siblings’ safety (though this admittedly turns on how honest you think he was being with her -- I think he was honest, but smart enough to know she’d never follow through, but a fair argument can be made either way.) There are a million ways to read this, and the fun of playing with characterization is that you get to experiment with them! I read it as proof that Five is so driven by his desire to save his siblings that he actually places their wellbeing above his own moral compass (whether his moral compass is right or wrong is a whole other debate.)

What are they like at their best vs. at their worst? At his best, Five is strategic, driven, independent, determined, loyal, and protective. At his worst, he’s controlling, suspicious, bloodthirsty, temperamental, and obsessive. Of course, most people don’t just switch between these two extremes, and these traits frequently coexist, interact, and manifest in milder ways.  Five being suspicious usually manifests as him being cautious until he’s confronted with a character (in season two, Lila) that strikes him the wrong way. Him being obsessive is often just a side product of the fact that he is determined, loyal, and protective.  The fact that he can be controlling is connected to how independent he can be -- the same reason that Five tries to keep Diego in the mental hospital, never tells people that he’s injured, and hides things from them is the same reason he’s so quick and effective at getting things done. This is just a handy way of compiling a flaws/virtues list, and I like to look at it in terms of the potential extremes because I think it makes it easier to see how they interact to create the middle ground where the character actually exists.

How do they talk? Arguably the most important question for actually getting their voice, and the easiest way to nail this down is to just...look at the canon dialogue. Does the character use really big words? Do they talk in long gusts or in short, clipped sentences?  Do they use contractions more or do they not shorten things? This is the hardest part of writing Five for me, because my first impulse is to make him talk like an Intellectual (tm) and Very Erudite Adult. Like, I default to that when writing him, and it’s a horrible habit (in my opinion) because...while he does speak that way sometimes (usually when explaining things to his siblings) that’s not actually how he talks most of the time.  (Like, for instance, I tend to default away from Five using contractions in my first drafts of things. He actually uses contractions a lot, and frequently shortens words--”got to” is “gotta” for Five, “because” becomes “‘cause”, etc.) 

Other examples:

Five: Billions of people are about to die tonight. You can change that.

The Handler: Tonight, tomorrow. So little difference in the scheme of things. Don't you remember the Commission's raison d'etre? What's meant to be is meant to be, or, as I like to say, que será, será.

Five: It's bullshit in any language.

I love this exchange so much :D. And it establishes some great things about the way Five talks! He doesn’t dance around the issue or debate her or try and prove her wrong. He just tells her he thinks that that opinion is dumb, obviously.  He’s blunt, straightforward, and honest. (This seems to tie into the thing I was saying about Five and contractions -- he picks the most straightforward way of saying things unless he’s giving a technical explanation.)

Five: Okay, Luther, but be careful. I mean, I've... I've lived a long life, but you're still a young man. You got your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it.

Five talks like an old man. Not all the time (though there’s a wonderful gif set out there somewhere of Five using old timer slang -- wait, I found it here.) He doesn’t use the old-timey slang all the time -- and I personally like the idea of mixing up Five’s slang habits and including slang from all sorts of eras because he’s a time traveler whose primary source of interaction after four decades alone was other time traveling assassins. But! He also talks in a way where he shows his age. 

Regardless of where you think Five’s psychological age falls (I have my own Opinions on this), he seems to unilaterally view himself as the Big Sibling, and by a very large margin at that. That’s reflected in how he talks. Not always, since not every line of dialogue is relevant to his age. But stuff like this, or related to it, crops up a fair amount. He counsels his siblings on their problems (as when he comforted Diego post-Eudora’s death), and there are little moments like the quote above, where the point is that Five has indeed seen many more years than his siblings and has the perspective to reflect that.

Well, this is way too long now, and it’s really late where I’m at. I feel like the comprehensibility of this post has been steadily declining the whole time, but if other writers have tips that they want to add onto this, please go ahead! 

[uncloseted]

i related to effy an unhealthy amount when i was only 13 when i first watched it, but at the time i wasnt doing drugs, homewrecking, doing anything that young lol. however i was extremely mentally ill but undiagnosed, and so confused but i found solace in effys character because of how similar i felt to her. flashforward to being 20 now and im a nic addict/borderline drug and alcohol addict that forgets to take my prescribed antidepressants and antipsychotics. i cant tell you how many events of effys life have mirrored mine now 7 years later, both the pretty but mostly the ugly. it all feels like a joke to me, and the thing is of course it wasnt effy the fictional character that did this to me, it was the fact that i was genetically and epically set up to do this to me for as long as i existed and i saw myself in her too young. everyone ive ever met and started to befriend has fallen in love with me, has found me beautiful, and then seen my flaws and hated me even if they didnt tell me to my face. ive been a horrible friend and partner and im flighty and unreliable and destructive. i never saw effy, or a person like effy, find a happy ending and im afraid even when im at my manic highs i will never find a lasting happiness and will always accidentally self sabotage until i die. what im trying to ask is, how can i save me? i know its dumb to ask a random tumblr user but ive been following this blog since i was 13-14 and since you know effy through and through, you might know a little about me. its a long shot. (i’d also like to say this isnt a cry for help and im safe/not actively suicidal so i dont want you to feel like theres any pressure like that, but i did use this ask box as a free therapy session.)

I'm a bit biased, but I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a random Tumblr user at all. I'm happy to be a free therapy session when you need one, and I'm really touched that you've trusted me with your thoughts and feelings for so long. Hopefully I've been some help over the years 😆

Coping with mental illness can be really, really hard, but the good news is that with the right tools and support system, you can absolutely recover. It sounds like you already have a psychiatrist in your life, which is a great start. If you've having trouble remembering to take your medication, it might help to set calendar reminders on your phone, set up text prompts to remind you to take your pills, to link taking your pills with something else you do every day (like brushing your teeth or eating breakfast), or to reward yourself for taking your medication (for example, putting a piece of candy in your pill box that you can eat after taking your pill).

If you don't have one already, a therapist might also be a good idea. It can take a while to find the right therapist for you, so schedule a few appointments and see which therapist you "click" with. A therapist can help you work through any reluctance you might have towards taking you medications, as well as helping you come up with day to day strategies that help you achieve your goals and helping you work through the beliefs that you hold about yourself and the world that may be holding you back.

Moving on to talking about addiction for a bit. I strongly believe that addiction doesn't come from some type of inherent lack of willpower or moral failing, or even really the drug itself. It's the need to escape reality. And that's actually supported by scientific literature; most famously, the Rat Park experiment by Bruce K Alexander. Practically, we've seen that same thing in the aftermath of Portugal's decision to decriminalize all drugs. They took the money they were using to keep drug users in prison, and instead invested that money into reconnecting people who struggle with addiction to society. Their goal was to make sure that every person who struggles with addiction has a reason to get up in the morning and has a support system within the wider society. And it actually worked- injection drug use is down 50%, overdoses and HIV infections have massively decreased, and rates of addiction decreased as well. It's much easier to quit when you have something motivating you to keep going.

Why am I telling you all of this? I guess what I'm trying to get at is in order to recover from addiction, I think first people need to understand what the reality is that they're trying to escape. What can be done about those issues? Who's in your corner trying to support you, even if they're not doing the best job at it? Where else can you get the social support you might need? What are you passionate about? What would make it feel worth it to get up in the morning? I think instead of focusing on the drugs, or the alcohol, or the cigarettes, maybe we should focus on solving the root problems that make those attractive options. That's one of the reasons a therapist is a really good idea; they can help you figure out what those root problems are, and provide resources and tools to help you fix those problems.

In terms of practical, do it yourself advice for dealing with addiction, there are a couple things you might try. I did a whole post on evidence-based ways to set goals and follow through on them here, so I won't rehash it in this post, but basically:

Try to set goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time bound. For you, this might be something like "My goal is to have only one drink a day (measurable and achievable) for week (time bound) so that I can be more reliable for my friends (relevant)".

Instead of trying to quit something, replace it with something else. For example, "when I feel like smoking, I'm going to do ten minutes of learning Korean instead". Learning something new is easier and more exciting, and so new habits are easier to maintain that breaking old ones. Find a new hobby that you've always wanted to do or that's exciting to you, and try to focus your energies on that to distract yourself.

Identify any obstacles (such as environmental triggers) that you might run into, and develop contingency plans for working around them. This might be something like, "when I drink coffee in the morning, I want to smoke, so I'm going to switch to tea instead." If you can, get rid of all environmental triggers that might remind you of your addiction or trigger a craving.

Get someone else involved. Tell a friend about your goal and have them check up on you. Your fear of disappointing them will help you stay on track.

Put money on the line. Give money to a friend with the understanding that you'll get it back at a set date if you've achieved the goal you set. Tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause you really hate.

Write down the reasons you want to quit, and put them somewhere you know you'll see them. Whenever you want to engage in an addiction behavior, read through that list first.

For bonus points, add to that list your contingency plan for when you want to engage in an addiction behavior. These may include ways to redirect your attention or distract yourself until the craving passes.

76% of people who wrote down their goals, actions and provided weekly progress to a friend successfully achieved their goals.

You might also try an addiction recovery app, such as these, or doing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy worksheets on your own if you can't access a therapist right now.

There are also some things you can try in order to improve your mood. As much as I hate that this is true, consistent exercise has a huge impact on mood. If you can, try taking a 20 minute walk outside, 3 times a week. Other (boring) things, like making sure you're getting 7-9 hours of sleep a night and eating regularly, can also make a big difference in mood. Some of you might know that I'm a little bit obsessed with the free Coursera class "The Science of Well-Being". It has a lot of great evidence-based tips and tricks for how to build happiness, and I highly recommend it if you're trying to live a happier life. These include things like journaling, meditating, noting things that you're grateful for, helping other people, and having regular social interactions.

Finally, a few philosophical thoughts. One of the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is dukkha. Basically, this is the idea that suffering is an innate characteristic of existence in our world. When I was younger, I never liked this concept, but I think now I kind of get it. It's impossible to be happy 100% of the time, and that shouldn't be our goal. Suffering is the comparison by which our lives gain meaning. But we can do our best to minimize our suffering and the suffering of others, and ride the wave of suffering when it does come. And each time we ride that wave, we can learn techniques to manage it a little bit better, and to make it easier the next time. We will sometimes sabotage ourselves out of fear, but we can learn how to do it less frequently and for the consequences to be less dire. We can learn how to forgive ourselves for our flaws and what we've done in the past, and learn from those mistakes so we don't do them again in the future. It's also okay to backslide, to struggle even after you've made progress. You're never back where you started, because you've always learned more and experienced more.

I know I've thrown kind of a lot at you in this post, and I don't expect you to try all of it or for all of it to work, but hopefully something in there is helpful to you. You can get through this. You can save yourself, but please, also remember to let others help save you. You don't need to do this on your own. And just like I have been since you were 13, I'm always here to give a free therapy session and to lend my support ❤️❤️❤️

[todaydreambelieversfic]

Author Spotlight : Caramelcoffeeaddict Day 2

Author Spotlight @caramelcoffeeaddict​

Share one of your strengths.

In writing? I think one of my strengths would be dialogue. A lot of my fics are really dialogue-heavy because it's something I'm comfortable writing.

Share one of your weaknesses.

Descriptions! I have so much trouble describing what places and people look like.

Which fic has been the hardest to write?

Hmm...probably "Mirrors" (the first fic in the "Reflections" 'verse). I had never written anything with a supernatural theme to it before, and trying to describe all the lore of their werewolf society without sounding like an info-dump was tricky. Talking about the science behind Kurt's genealogy/genetic makeup was also quite difficult. I think I managed an okay job though.

Which fic has been the easiest to write?

"The Bet". This wasn't even a planned fic. All I had was a prompt I came up with that I'd tucked away in a prompt folder and never gave much thought to. I was stuck on another story, but I was really in the mood to write something; and since the motivation was there, I looked at the prompt list, chose one at random, opened up a new Word Doc and began typing a new story. I had the majority of the fic written in a few hours; the remaining few scenes were written very quickly a couple days later. And yet, somehow, it has become my second most popular fic.

Is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?

Fun hobby! :)

Is there an episode or character or arc above all others that inspires you just a little bit more?

I think I get about the same amount of inspiration from both Kurt & Blaine. But both of them inspire me more than any other character on the show. I write a lot of AUs, but I've noticed that the bullying that Kurt faced in high school (and the hate-kiss by Karofsky in particular) make their way into a lot my stories.

What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

The best advice I’ve encountered is to ignore any advice that says to “ALWAYS do *this*” and/or “NEVER do *that*”. Because those “rules” don’t always apply to every piece of writing - there are always exceptions to the rules.

What’s the worst writing advice you’ve ever come across?

The worst advice I’ve encountered is every piece of advice that tries to place restrictions on creativity and/or subject matter.

If you could choose one of your fics to be filmed, which would you choose?

My first answer to this question is always "Desperate Times...". But the movie would have to be XXX rated to show it as I've written it because I wouldn't want any of the smutty scenes to be cut or altered for ratings purposes.

What’s your process? Do you write your story from start to finish, or do you write the scenes out of order? Do you use any tools, like worksheets or outlines? What are the perfect writing conditions for you?

For shorter one-shots: I write in order start-to-finish. I usually just have a prompt and a basic summary of how I want the story to go and work off that.  

For longer, multi-chapter fics: I usually have a very basic outline of plot points that I want to address in the story. I always start off writing the fic in chronological order, start-to-finish, but will often wind up skipping around and writing scenes as I think of them, then going back to piece them all together with proper transitions and then double-check for continuity and consistency. That outline usually winds up getting altered and/or expanded as I write too.   I need quiet to write. Music & noise distracts me too much. I also prefer to be alone when I write too.

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Check out Caramelcoffeeaddict’s Fic

Desperate Times... -  Blaine Anderson is a college student studying theater. He is also a well known porn star that goes by the name Devon Anders. When Kurt Hummel starts having some financial difficulties he asks his classmate Blaine to help him get a job doing porn.

You Got Me Singing In The Shower  -  Kurt Hummel hated the communal bathrooms in his dorm. That is...until he met Blaine Anderson there.

'Til I'm Screamin' For More -  College friends!Klaine get drunk, talk about sex, and jerk off together.