#i can only imagine them in a familial dynamic and i wish society would value chosen bonds just as much as romantic

[constantvariations]

I have been trying ever since I first watched rwby to picture canon Tauradonna. The dates they'd go on, the hobbies they'd share, what intimacies they'd indulge

And I can't

There's just no romantic chemistry between them no matter how many "my darlings" the writers throw in last minute. While each character have qualities that make them attractive, there's nothing that truly shows why or how they're attracted to each other

Hell, the only answer the comics can give for why Blake was into Adam was the "I can fix him" mentality, which. Gross, but that's still more than anything we get for why Adam likes Blake. Maybe they both like sushi? She just fights real good? Who knows, man

As individuals, I can gleam an idea of the kind of lovers they'd be, but together? Does not compute

[thedailydescent]

I made this post before season 2 aired and wondered how well this had aged now.

A great quote from @doublycharming-tetraquark: One of Louis and Claudia's "crimes" that the sham trial shamed them for was disrespecting "the father" i.e. not conforming to traditional family values and not subjugating themselves to him like a wife and daughter should.

None of the characters or the audience know what to do with Claudia. She's an outcast of an outcast, doesn't fit into any category. She fights against traditional roles, especially the daughter role, and many characters, including some of the audience, hate her for it.

Even her complicated relationship with Madeleine is simplified and seen through rose-coloured glasses by most of the fans: it's a healthy relationship, a marriage, why couldn't there have been kisses and sex shown between them? Barring the fact that a lesbian relationship isn't traditional in the first place, what part of, "Is it romantic?" "No." "No, not yet." screams conventionality? Considering Claudia is a Black woman stuck in a teenager's body, and Madeleine, who, following the thought process of having an affair with a Nazi, is fine killing the mostly disadvantaged in society for eternity in order to escape loneliness, I imagine that the relationship wouldn't have been without its problems.

In order for "order" to be restored, Claudia has to be killed. Only through her death can things be fit into a neat digestible little package again. A dead Claudia is reverted back into a daughter again, both by Louis/Lestat, and by the fans. Louis gets stuck in another abusive marriage. Even when he leaves, fans look forward to Loustat reuniting, which would only have been possible through Claudia's death. She is forever immortalized within the narrative, but in a role she never wanted or fit in to. Fans now want Claudia back for happy Lesdaughter flashbacks. Her wishes and anger and identity are ignored, thus the romanticized nuclear family dynamic can now be restored.

pretty fitting then that claudia escaped her father and her daughter role during the 40s when traditional family structures were decreasing in america due to the war, and died just before the 50s, a time when marriage and nuclear family ideals started being heavily emphasized again.

[books]

Writer Spotlight: Claire Ahn

Claire Ahn grew up in Seoul, Korea, which she still considers home. She moved to New York to attend university and now lives in Long Island City with her husband, newborn daughter, and their dog, Dante. Claire writes about transcultural experiences and the traditions, values, and legacies that shape who we are. I GUESS I LIVE HERE NOW is her debut novel. Click through to read about mouth-watering food and homesickness remedies, and for some really good writing advice.

Can you tell us a little bit about how you came to write I GUESS I LIVE HERE NOW?

I think most debut authors would probably divulge this, but the first novel is always a bit of a circuitous path. You can never really pinpoint the beginning of the first because it’s just this blurry idea you had years ago that somehow—through repetitive classes and workshopping and rejections—becomes a novel. I suppose this idea was conceived back in 2016, but it’s gone through many transitions, from a children’s book to a middle-grade book, then a young adult novel, and within it, about four to five full revisions. 

I started writing to release stress from a grueling job in public relations, where writing felt so formulaic and not at all creative. I’ve always loved storytelling, and was told PR is the world of storytelling as a profession, but it wasn’t enough to fill the creative well in me. So I took up course writing at Gotham Writers Workshop, which is how this all began for me. Plus, I got free wine every week. How could I have stopped attending? 

You’ve written your own experience in reverse, going from New York to Seoul, and made it YA. What were some challenges you faced in doing so? 

From a craft perspective, it was hard to write Seoul as if it was the first time. Everything there feels second nature to me, from the street foods to the lavish grocery stores and intensely beautiful cafe culture. It’s never a shock when I go back home, so having to write it fresh was hard. Hopefully, I somewhat successfully captured the newness of it from Melody’s eyes. From a personal experience perspective, my constant fear is that someone in my life will be convinced a flawed character was inspired by them! Woof. If you’re reading this, close friend or family member, this is not the case! 

Melody and her friends are all navigating parental expectations while trying to make their way in the world. What do you hope readers take away from seeing these character dynamics represented?

 Am I the only one feeling like I sometimes live my life intensely trying to please my parents? Oh God, I hope not. I hope readers feel seen and less alone in having dreams that may defy the wishes of parents or guardians or even of peers and the capitalistic society in which we live. I hope readers feel reminded that they can simply be. They can have lofty dreams like Melody, or they can want to dream of being comfortable and accepted in their skin, like Kimbeom, or they can just want to live in their present, and that is all okay and good. Let’s change the narrative of having to stamp influential footprints in this world. 

Seoul is your home, but you live in Long Island City. How do you approach writing about being in between two cultures, and what’s your favored remedy for homesickness?

I think I operate on a default state of longing and clinging. I’m always longing to visit Seoul any chance I get, and I live in a state of clinging onto my culture tighter than my high school banquet dress. I release myself from those states of being by writing stories where I get to pretend like I’m in Seoul again or where I imagine my life as a teen in New York, fresh from Korea. My favored remedy for homesickness is buying a plane ticket to Seoul and immediately texting my friends back home that I’ll be there soon. Then, every day until I’m on that plane, I dream of being surrounded by faces like mine, speaking in my native tongue, and stuffing my face with high-quality rice cakes (dduk). Does that sound sad? I swear I love my life in New York, too. 

The descriptions of food in IGILHN are incredible. What’s your favorite Korean dish, and can you make our mouths water describing it?

Thank you! You know, I didn’t know food was a theme in the book until people pointed it out. Food is such a deeply ingrained part of Korean culture that it wasn’t an intentional ploy, but as it turns out, it is impossible to write a book set in Seoul without a proper description of the bounty of food on offer. My favorite dish has got to be my mom’s homemade galbi jjim, braised short ribs. I can’t even eat ones from a restaurant because it tastes horrible compared to her concoction. It’s a common holiday dish for New Year’s or Chuseok, but for me, it was the dish my mom made every time I landed in Seoul from New York. An expression of love poured into a dish that takes hours to make. I always imagined her making it in the kitchen the night before I arrived, eagerly waiting for her younger daughter to come back home. It’s a thoughtful dish because it’s not something you can whip up at a moment’s notice, and if you try to, you will never mimic a galbi jjim that has been simmering for hours. It’s both a deliciously sweet and intensely aromatic and savory dish. When done right, the meat falls off the bones at the softest pull with chopsticks, and it’s generously coated with a sauce made from Korean radishes, jujubes, pears, chestnuts, and garlic. As my husband says, it’s a ‘flavor explosion.’ 

What made you want to be a writer? What advice can you give to budding writers working on transcultural narratives?

I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but growing up in an Asian household, I wasn’t made aware that writing was a chosen profession. I was sort of led to believe it was something you did on the side of your ‘real’ job, which just meant making a stable income with the goal of homeownership. As a daughter of immigrants, stability was highly valued in our household, so writing wasn’t really a ‘serious’ option. But I wrote my first play when I was in the second grade, a whopping eleven pages of some friends living on Mars, spying on Earth people.

My advice would be to find a writing community and celebrate small milestones. I couldn’t have gotten here without my group of writers that I met through Gotham Writers; equally, I might have given up if I wasn’t so damn good at celebrating even the stupidest things: Submitted a manuscript? Buy myself a typewriter! Read a book during a desolate book lull? Eat my favorite ice cream! The journey to finding an agent, revising, then selling your book, then revising again (and again and again and again), then finally seeing it hit shelves (which I haven’t yet) is LONG! So, unless you’re a total Grinch and happy to be one, celebrate; because you can’t go years without that celebratory joy to keep you motivated. 

What does Melody’s Tumblr look like? Obviously, she’s got some interior design in there, but what else does she post? What’s the vibe like?

The vibe is definitely a modern cafe look with a splash of pop, which is also her fashion style. Isn’t our Tumblr vibe just a digital reflection of our fashion? Mine definitely was. Mel’s Tumblr is probably like Comme des Garcons meets Alexander Wang. 

IGILHN is your debut novel—what’s next for you?

I’m working on my second book now, and it’s not set in Seoul! It’s set right here, in my second favorite city, New York. Everyone says book two is the worst. Surprisingly, I don’t want to rip my eyes out, and I’m thoroughly enjoying exploring my new fictional friends and their immigrant families and New York’s Asian food culture. Soup dumplings have already made their way into my pages multiple times. I can’t share too much yet, but I hope it stays as fun as it’s been so far and that it finds its people. 

Thanks so much for answering our questions, Claire! I GUESS I LIVE HERE NOW will be hitting shelves on May 24. That’s today in a week! 

[vaspider]

“There are No Trans Women Named Iphigenia: A Brief Pamphlet Regarding Claims by White Cisgender Rich Gay Men that Queers Against Pete is Homophobic. - by Han Koehle

The issue is not that Pete isn't queer enough.

Pete isn't queer at all. Listen to him. He doesn't self-describe as queer, he doesn't politically position as queer. When other people call him queer he responds that he is a gay man. And that, specifically, is his identity and his political positionality.

Queer and gay do not mean the same thing. Queer, as an umbrella term, refers not just to a range of genders and sexualities but to a specific political project that has to do with reclaiming and dismantling heterosexism and cissexism. Gay people can be queer, but gay people don't have to be queer, and a lot of gay people have very specifically separated themself from queerness (as Pete does, explicitly) because the thing that they want and fight for is to fit into the majority. Pete's sexual and romantic desire, his identity, and his marriage are completely legitimate. Nobody who says "he isn't queer enough" (although as far as I can tell that's a bit of a strawman anyway, because all critiques from queer folks are assumed to be "not queer enough" even if they literally never critique him that way) means that he isn't flamboyant enough, which seems to be how cishet people and assimilationist rich white gay men read this term.

There have been decades of struggle between people who can and wish to expand the dominant group just enough for their own families to slip into them, and people who want to structurally dismantle the power dynamic that debases them. There is nothing wrong with a person being gay and living a white picket fence lifestyle with their 2.5 kids and a dog. That isn't the issue. The issue is whether that person thinks this is the only respectable way to live, and whether they are willing to point at people who could not or would not live that way and say "I belong here because I'm not like THEM."

And that is ultimately what the critique is. It's saying "he wants relatively powerful gay people to be allowed to live in hetero society and he is willing to sell out poor, BBIPOC, trans, and otherwise misfit and downtrodden members of our community to do it." That isn't self-hate, it's self-respect. He's not allowed to use me as a bargaining chip for his own betterment, and then claim to be my ally.

He is really, really gay. Properly gay. Uncontested. And so were the gay men who wrote in the 70s that they, unlike the "street f*ggots," belong in polite society. None of these folks are part of the queer movement because the queer movement is specifically, intentionally the politics of saying "no, I'm with the street f*ggots" whether you identify as one or not. [I am only editing this word for Facebook. I can say it without flinching. I can say it with only love.] Queer says no, you cannot insult me by lumping me in with the most marginalized and scandalous among us. I am unabashedly for their quality of life and not just my own.

When people say I am queer and not for this man, they're not saying he should camp it up a bit, he should Seem Gayer, he should be femme or they/them or kinky or nonmonogamous or urban. They're saying that being out as gay or desiring and loving other men does not carry a specific political project. He is not, by virtue of his marriage, automatically interested in the wellbeing of Black trans sex workers and we, the queer political movement, will not make or tolerate the deal he wants to make because he does not value or understand or identify with the most vulnerable among us. And indeed, he cannot even imagine them. When he contrasted his experiences with an imagined Other in the LGBTQ+ umbrella, he contrasted himself with a "Black gay woman." He knows that he is white and a man, but I suspect that he can't see street level from up so high.

There are no queer candidates (to my knowledge) and one gay one. For many of us whose material positionality is even vaguely similar to Pete (myself included, though we are different in many, many ways), it is thrilling to see that it is possible to exist so publicly in ways that it wasn't even recently. And yet, his insistence that he is not like me tells me a lot about how he sees me, how he values me. I have no reason to think that his genuine love for his husband makes him a particularly good representative for my interests, and I resent the implication that I owe him support even if I believe he will act in ways I find immoral.

I am not denying the symbolic resonance and meaning of even a longshot out gay candidate. Even an assimilationist gay candidate. But at the end of the day, I'm going to support the person that I think will be safest for children in Iran who giggle as they run barefoot around the house and unhoused trans women who eat when they date. I want to support the person who will feed more people and bomb less. If he cannot hold the name for my kind of person in his mouth, cannot bear being mistaken for me, why should I trust him to care for me? And I'm not anywhere *close* to the bottom of this hierarchy.

I want a trans dyke for president.“

Emphases added by me.

[icecreamkink]

watched all of the untamed / cql in two weeks after my friend 1 told me abt mdzs a hundred years ago and my friends 2 and 3 tried to get me into cql for like two whole years and there are.

feelings.

very first scene is a very dramatic death in the middle of nightmare battle on sith planet land . i will forget abt it in the next tenish episodes and then will be very surprised when it becomes Extremely Painful

anyway magic flying gays and possession and human sacrifice! we are off to a great start

in retrospect, chaos goblin wei wuxian must have had a blast pretending to be so cRaZy and be as disruptive as he could as mo xuanyu lbr

listen. why is fire always evil coded. cant a magic clan wear red, black and orange and have flame motif while being wholesome?

For Legal Reasons These Are Not Zombies

i wish the politics of the sect were a bit clearer, especially at the beggining when the wen clan had sm power, was wen ruohan the chief cultivator? is that why they were so slow in responding to the attacks? im v confused by the pre yiling patriarch politics

fighting in the roof by the moonlight as way of flirtiiiiiiing. as i understand this is a wuxia/xianxia trope and honestly...... thank u for ur service

slight bullying and being a nuisance in general, as a way of flirting we love to see it

wwx: if i drink on the rooftop, thats not inside the cloud recesses! hmmm check and mate :D lwj: i will fuck u up so help me god   wwx: :0

i lov them

through hell or high water (quite literally) wei wuxian rem ains a trashfire gremlin till the end and i love him with my whole heart

in the pt subs wei wuxian calls jiang cheng a stubborn duck and i dearly wish that had come back

my opinions on almost every character goes from love to hate u - Hmm Me Like U - BABY. ILY. and i am Very Pleased w that. its been a while since i loved such a complete cast so much i think

no really. i WONT go into a detailed rant abt what i love about each of these characters and each of their relationships to each other. but i COULD. 

some lan disciples in the loudest whisper ever: YEAH THATS THE JIN BASTARD MENG YAO HEARD THE GOT SUPER HUMILIATED BY HIS DAD LOL SURE HOPE HE DOESNT TAKE SLIGHTS TO HIS CHARACTER TO HEART

lan xichen, immediately: i must Love him 

being into problematic ppl is in the Lan genetics, we come to realize

wen qing deserves so many awards for so many things but not snapping and just stabbing wen chao is at the top 

that scene at lan qirens class where wwx talks about using resentful energy to fight a violent spirit. exquisite.

 It establishes Good Student lan wangji, wei wuxian as curious and questioning and not afraid of taboo,  lwj sees that wwx is not, in fact, a dumb ass hes just a Dumbass,  shows us the audience (esp. a western audience) how shocking the idea of disrupting the dead/dying and controlling resentful energy actually is,  the theoretical foreshadow arguing, everyone else like ‘shUT UP’,  “and how could you ensure that the resentful energy would obey you and not hurt other?” “well i havent thought that far” and of course, lan qiren just straight up lobbing a hard object at wwx head,. chefs kiss

fellas is it gay to bother the hot rule obessessed nerd from ur school and make drawings of him with flowers in his hair and then hide gay porn in his book to antagonize him and ask him to hold ur hand and be ur friend and talk to him all the time and get him drunk and give him bunnies bc you know he likes them and give him a lantern and always want his attention and dedicate yourself to getting him to smile-

and after all of that wwx rly said oh i Admire him, aksd like yeah we all were there in high school buddy

i have Learned. caves = gay.

 accidental marriage +beint physically tied together with the sacred married ribbon+ gay panic+foreshadowing+bunnies! in the cave (1)

the story abt lan yi and baoshan sanren tho. i would like to see it

early days wen bros pull my heart strings like a guqin 

EVERYTHING about the lantern scene; disaster hets jiang yanli and jin zixuan; how wwx made lwj a bunny lantern. how soft and touched lwj was. wwx gleefully pointing out he was smiling and lwj IMMEDIATELY PULLING HIW SWORD ON HIM LMAO. tragically foreshadowy promises to do right by pepople, living without regrets. lwjs 'oh no do i love him??' face. just. all of it. 

i have it on good acc that in the novel lwj is explicitly Repressed Gay Panicked Big Horny which is delightful and rly Adds to the performance

 baby lwj is really just conceal dont feel dont let them know u have EMOTIONS (derogatory)

jiang cheng rly went "why dont.u go play with HIM if u like him so much"

jc and wwx have big BIG annoying sibling energy dont think too hard abt it or youll cry

lotus pier is soo pretty :((((((((((((((((

up until episode 13 you could think this could be a magical ancient chinese gays pride n prejudice w swords and shenanigans ................youre just not prepared for the game of thrones of it all

seriously ha ha ha i cried so much w this show my eyes genuinely swelled up . like. physically. fun timez fun timez

that being said, its hilarious that wen xu goes to cloud recesses like 'come out or ill kill all these hostages' and then DOESNT WAIT FOR AN ASWER AND KILLS THEM ALL IMMEDIATELY. do u know how blackmail works sir

 would like to make it recorded that from day one i was like 'CALL A GODDAMN CULTIVATION G20 THIS ASSHOLE SECT IS LITERALLY MASSACRING YALL!!' and it took them like 3 or 4 massacres to do anything and they STILL sent their heirs into their territory  LIKE

when wwx cites the gusu lan rules to wen chao tho. that rebel/attention whore/cutie pie 'look lan zhan i DID memorize the rules after all' ‘also a big fuck you to the wen sect :D :D’ sweet spot that scene achieves . delicious

all the cultivator young masters being petty af even though they are practically prisoners at the cave is hilarious and i love them

hurt and comfort + gay mistunderstandings + watsonian gay declaration music + accidental evil acquisition! at the cave (2)

its like where do i start? the fact theyre both trapped and kind of heavily injured inside an isolated cave with a murder turtle? wwx gay panicking lwj into coughing up bad blood? lwj being jealous as wwx babbles abt mianmian? telling him he shouldnt play with people and wwx saying he never played him? wwx going Oh. I See what is happening. YOU like mianmian, and lwj absolute done face ??? (iconic) wwx touching the sacred married ribbon Again? the telepathic communication? the sword? WEI WUXIAN ASKING LAN WANGJI TO SING TO HIM AS HE IS PASSING OUT AND LWJ SINGING HIM. THE SONG. HE WROTE. FOR WWX. AND THAT HE CALLED. THEIR SHIP NAME????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

they are SO insufferable pleeeeease

in the words of my friend 1 : “CQL is so gay we were all amazed how it got past the censors Ofc unfortunately it can't be novel level gay But they did their best And we love them for it”

in the theme of songs THIS OST. WUJI HAS BEEN LIVING IN MY MIND RENT FREE SINCE I FIRST HEARD IT the whole ost is so so sO beautiful.

 the costuming in this is also soooo exquisite. the embroidery? the fabrics? the details? how every sect and clan has a distinct style and architecture? (also ik they based each off of dif periods in chinese history which is REALLY fucking cool) just chefs kiss

the direction too!. i enjoy the unusual camera movements and i think they give it that Vibe, also their composition is PARTICULARLY good when it comes to telling the subtext through position of camera/position of character (like nhs off to the side in scenes he at first glance doesnt need to be/ how lwj is often centered when hes Jealous Yearning at wwx being affectionate w other ppl, wwx return from burial mounds etc)

ik madam yu is like Badass Milf Check and shes not getting any mom of the year awards but im delighted at how messy she is. IMAGINE that woman on tiktok

you better have enjoyed gay cave (2) bc its Just Pain from here on out! 

jiang fengmian and madame yu win the Most Dramatic Way to show they do care about each other, actually ..... ever :)

i thought jiang yanli jiang cheng and wei wuxian forcing themselves to escape yunmeng barely holding on after their parents are killed was going to be the height of pain in this show. ha. 

the family dynamics in general on this showwwww, both blood/ adopted/ found families, brotherly bonds and lifelong friendships just. rly. truly. fucked me up. theyre all so important and complicated and well rounded and beautiful and tragic

and beyond being a Win For the Gays im so glad the relationships w wwx and jiang yanli/ wen qing were NOT changed from platonic bc they are so much better like that imo. like maybe if we didnt Live In A Society it wouldnt be so, but the fact wwx and others can love and value them so much and theres nothing romantic or sexual abt it is like. so refreshing. especially @ jyl, with the way he and jc are overprotective of her and shes such a nurturing/care taker figure for them, it would just not vibe as well if they made it romantic

i love that this is a story abt Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch aka Actual Satan/Boogey Man/Village With/Public Enemy Number One , my dude is literally a necromancer who only dresses in black and has evil smokey black tendrils wafting out of him, but the really edgy one is still jiang cheng, pastel purple fashion icon

and speaking of best/worst siblings wei wuxian and jiang cheng *immediately starts crying* 

The Golden Core Transfer i just. no thots only tears 

wen qing and wen ning putting themselves in so much danger just.... to help them. wn saving jc from wen chao. wq finding a way to get wwx to transfer his core. like thinking about the monumental work these two did to help wwx and jyl and jc... jyl trying so fucking hard to be strong and keep on moving and giver her little brothers comfort after losing everything... jiang cheng. losing his parents and his home and his ability to do anything abt it and his complete desperation and lack of self worth and turning on them with agression  when he didnt realize all that they did for him ... hhhhhhhhhhhhh

me, pointing at the whole cast “i just LOVE them mom!!!”

its sad tho, that BARELY ANY of the women have like.... actual important conversations let alone relationships with each other at all in the story. and like wq and jyl have stayed at the same place for extended periods of time, where wq actively took care of her TWICE,  and still! not one measly convo, nothing! ................ .𝓌ₕᵧ

everyone in this show need a good sip of Self Worth and Stop Sacrificing Yourself juice 

ngl the sword flying looks very dumb 

“a-cheng, please bring a-xian back.” “i will, i promise.” ;-;

the whole calling each other by the More Intimate Version of the name, first as teasing and later as true intimacy. mmmhmmm yes

untamed where everythings the same but wwx evil flute song is eoeo

related that scene when wwx comes back from the burial mounds for the first time w demonic cultivation and he acts all formal and calls lwj hanguang-jun and keeps being evasive and distant and mean and soooooo................. facetious 

and how hes kind of desperately trying to keep intense lwj at bay (A FIRST) and avoiding actually talking to either of them and its all tension ughhh and then he MOCKS his and lwjs relationship, he jokes w him in this like... mean echo of their usual ~banter~ oof 

 and like!!! uncertain but so relieved jc who just HUGS him w no reservations for once and its not like he isnt just as worried as lwj abt wwx and what hes doing, but he chooses in that moment to enjoy getting him back first and mmhmMMMmMm yes (maybe my favorite scene in the whole show? MAYBE SO. ) 

highkey hurt me but also. i might be into mean wwx. i will take no criticism.

lan zhans sad eyes tho :((((((((( 

on one hand i wish we could have seen what happened at the burial mounds but on the other the timeskip adds so much flair to his return so im hnnn

also i love that hes been missing for 3 months reappears kinda melancholic and bloodthirsty and knowing malign tricks and jc is like 'so. are u sad bc of lan wangji'

when ur bae survived the war but he thinks ur evil/ might be evil so you cant kiss :///

hmmm talking at the rooftop under the moonlight not mentioning everything that stands between usssss

they are the two jades of lan and we’ll be the two heroes of yunmeng is the type of line u dont even need to know whats gonna happen to know thats gonna be sad

when they fight wen ruoshan at the nightless city i thought that was the battle we see at the first ep and its not and its so easy and theyre all like ‘yayy we won go wwx!’ i was just. SCREAMS WHAT is gonna HAPPEN

so like. post burial mounds/sunshot campaign pre yiling patriarch wwx is like. ultra arrogant, ultra mocking, peak lil shit and it gave me e v e r y t h i n g i wanted

even tho having the wen prisoners at the targets at phoenix mountain and still having wwx and jzx shooting the arrows was???? so.... tone deaf 

wwx: fucking w demonic energy   jyl: he has never done anything wrong in his life, ever <3 <3 (mood)

the parallels between meng yao/wei wuxian (and even xue yang a bit?) are Seen and they are Valid

wwx post burial mounds: can yall SHUT UP abt the goddamn sword (suibian left the chat)

LIKE truly, we talk abt the angst and yearning with wangxian. but what abt wwx and suibian. xianbian / xianqing angst and comfort 100k

take a shot everytime someone coughs up blood

zidian is simply the coolest spiritual weapon rip to suibian and chenqing and bichen and sendou and baixa........ but tis the truth 

cons: everyones families died in a nightmare war! everyones homes burned to the ground! everyone is traumatized! pros: everyone gets cooler clothes and weapons!!

wen ning and a-yuan and yanli bestest babes squad dont touch me rn

everyone: brooding and fighting                                                                wq and jyl: why dont you try some acupunture/drinking some soup and calm down huh? how abt that bitch?? 

showing the battle/massacre at the nightless city first was genius actually bc then everytime we have a cute scene w yunmeng bros and theyre like 'we'll be together forever! uwu' youre like oh. oh no. oh no no no. 

justice vs lawfulness vs means and ends 👁

jc: stay in the right path and practice the art of the sword                        wx: yeah thats not gonna happen chief

my reaction to wwx renouncing to the sect politics to help the wens was just that elmo burning gif in succession

the dramatic rain. wen qing desperately calling out to wen ning. the ghosts/puppets killing the guards. how terrifying wn actually was while wwx was controlling him :( lwj goeing after him to try and stop him and then he just; he Sees him and understands him even if he cant actually do anything about it other than let them go. 

“there must be somewhere in this earth we can go to :(((((((((”

"IF I HAVE TO FIGHT THEM, I'D RATHER IT BE YOU. DYING BY YOUR HANDS WOULD AT LEAST BE WORTH IT." oh my god oh my god oh my goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddddd

also lwjs umbrella is white w black smoke.. .  . nice

yiling patriarch / demonic farming burial mounds settlement is like one of my favorite concepts. they an "EVIL" FARMING COMMUNITY LED BY THE VILLAGE WITCH COME ON

they planted TURNIPS and LOTUS FLOWERS and ONE (1) baby and made lanterns and a common hall :(((((((

wen qing and wei wuxian, baddest bitches and genius science best friends i absolutely LOVED to see it. they rly went ‘is anyone gonna sibling/project partner that’ and didnt wait for an answer

both wwx and jyl getting lotus ponds at the burial mounds and in lanling bc they miss lotus pier ;;;;;;;w

;;;;; wish jyl had actually gone into the burial mounds. we were robbed of jyl and wq meeting again and jyl meeting a-yuan and seeing the settlement and the homes and all ;w; at least jc did go, stab wounds and broken arms and all

wwx like... having thrown his whole life away to help the wens (yeah the sect leaders and jin guangshan in particular wanting his stygian tiger amulet was an Element but still) and not.... necessarily regretting it, but grappling with all of the consequences of it... becoming moody and drepressed at times, missing his family and lotus pier and his friends and probably simply missing being around people and causing trouble, extrovert that he is, lashing out at the wens and at a-yuan, just in general the whole messiness of that experience

the way the resentful energy does affect his temperament is rly nice bc its not too in your face,(i mean outside of the Shaky Hands of Rage) but like he clearly has a much lesser control on his anger and impulsivity (tall order) than both before bm and after hes ressurected

on that note A-YUAN BABIEST BABY BOY BEST BOY

lan zhan being like oh hey there wei ying fancy meeting u and our son here. just passing by u know how it is hmmmmMm and then PLOT TWIST having defied orders to go see him and being punished for it. oof;;

 they habent seen each other in like? a year? and now theyre tgt 10 seconds and are already parenting a child together

also lwj rly kneels down in the snow way too much to be healthy

wwx: calm down guyssss i wont lose control of demonic cultivation omgggg  .   spoiler alert: he loses control of demonic cultivation

did u enjoy cute children? good bc now the Real Pain Begins

jiang yanli and jin zixuan rly out there APROPRIATING both disaster gays AND bury ur gays huh ;w;

i KNEW jin lings birthday was gonna fuck something up but the GASP that left my body when wwx lost control of wn and killed jin zixuan .. . . 

im sorry and thank you aaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAaAAAAA 

when wen ning and wen qing were telling wwx their plan i was saying NO NO NO NO NO NO out loud in despair 

also can we talk abt how wq is definetely talking about only the both of them surrending themselves but then? everyone else just surrenders w them? IT MAKES NO SENSE LIKE WHY WOULD THEY what would be the Point

 sometimes there are some pretty gaping jumps in logic and continuity that are just like                     ?          ?

wwx: oh so when you try to murder me its justified but when i survive through dark magic and murder all of you its a "war crime"

unsurprisingly, his most feral, most spiraling moment talking to the sect leaders on the roof and attacking them and even fighting lan zhan is among my favorite scenes... its like, so painful to watch but also   so       thrilling   (and maybe my wen bbs dying arose some resentful energy in me what can i say) 

and its JUST, all they ever wanted was to do good but then... war. and trauma. and hubris. 

jiang cheng on the ground clearly thorn between what to do and feel is a Mood, lets just say

i was already crying when jyl showed up, but if i wasnt-

 i suffered SO MUCH through this series trying to figure out WHY jc would kill wwx. and when i understood. its somehow not as bad as i thought and also MUCH MUCH WORSE

a look into my group chat during the last flashback episodes:

SO ANYWAY. after the BLOOD BATH and RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT and FEEDING IT TO YOU  the untamed goes ‘ayy back to the present!! tu du dud ud du’ 

literally it ends a quarter into an episode and then KEEPS GOING i had to pause and stare blankly at the ceiling for an hour

babie cultivators and detective soulmates . i do need some cute after All of That 

(not that the pain is over LOL)

lwj is significantly less emotionally repressed in the present and its delightful. hes just ALL IN with wwx. and not just in the ‘i would and have killed various men and risked my reputation for you’ but also ‘ur tired here have a drink i brought it up cause i know u like it and it want you to be happy, always’

“when everyone praised me and wanted my power, you were the only one that challenged me. now that everyone hates me and wants me dead, youre the only one that stands by my side.” hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnnnnnnn 

and just filling in the blanks how lan zhan searched for him. for all of those 16 years he searched for him and was punished for it and raised a-yuan, the only survivor of the burial mounds settlement, as his own in gusu......

and jiang cheng.  being the tough love uncle . having raised the yunmeng jiang clan from the rubble all alone, his whole family dead, some of it on the blame of his own brother, his siblings, his closest friends gone.......and only jin ling there needing his guidance. 

THE PARALLEL BETWEEN JIN LING BEING A LIFELINE FOR JIANG CHENG AND A-YUAN FOR LAN WANGJI AFTER THE BATTLE AT THE NIGHTLESS CITY  

great now i made myself sad

and like . the fact! that lwj and jc dislike each other!!. jc projects blame onto him for wwx both “leaving” him and indirectly causing their families deaths and when hes so consumed by it he makes wwx an enemy, lwj is there now? trying to protect him?? and lwj, who can never understand the pain that wwx , indirectly or not put jc through, but who was right there when jc tried to kill him and will never allow him to hurt wwx again. and how they like. in a way project blame of their tragedies onto each other while dealing with some type of survivor guilt and in their own way still loving wwx through it all???  amd in way its kind of fundamentally selfish but also tragically understandable? and like when u put it against the fact that after he disappears during the sunshot campaign they were looking for him together and fought together??

JUST. THE CHARACTERS. AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN THIS. MAN. UGH. GOD. 

and like i think thats what makes it so good? its such a sad and painful and violent story, edgy even, but its compelling bc at the center of it there are all of these relationships and different types of love and hope and. :( i love it

enough crying lets talk abt wwx sleeping at the jingshi with lwj and wearing his under garment for a minute 🙏

 jin ling just has that Was Raised by JC energy tho lmao i love him

babie cultivator squad is the perfect ammount of cute and comedic relief while still bearing the weight? of the narrative in a way, both from sizhui and jin lings existences, and also. like. how do i put this. they feel hopeful? they were born after a war, they came of age at a time of relative peace, they dont hold on so closely to the resentments of their parents/father figures, they are specifically shown as more accepting and open minded. and its like.... Hope for the future  

one of the ?? things  i love the most is the fact that the main cast are often in situations where theyre hunted/running but they like. never wear disguises... just going around in their gorgeous expensive clan clothes and hair ornaments and distinctive spiritual weapons.... maybe w a straw hat on, just for kicks

wwx teacher 🥺🥺🥺

so this is why its called Yi City Misery huh

a-qing is such. an icon. im so sad. my girl even knew to leave xys dumb self rotting by the road but no one listens to her thats why theyre all dead or sad 

her and xue yang measuring each other up was so entertaining lmao

 its the funniest thing when hes like. HERES MY SAD STORY. FOR WHY IM A SADISTIC MURDERER. I BROKE MY HAND ONCE. 

like ok someone broke his hand in a horrible way, and like Poverty, i get it but also like.......... that lost the brunt of a proper sob story like, 50 sadistic murders ago bby

and i love that xingchen does not entertain that for a second hes like ‘not ?????? good enough???’ and the best thing is he wasnt even like 'u hadto be the bigger person' or sth but ' well then break that dudes hand back, rip his arm off for i care, what do the rest of us have to do w anything???” 

anjo sensato :(

xue yang is like..... the sexy sadistic evil version of a himbo..... a meanbo...

the fucked upness of xy’s feelings for xxc/ xxc and sl feelings for each other... like my dude literally gave his bf HIS EYES. and xy getting so attached to xxc .... the fucked up fake domesticity.... having him hurt sl..... then desperately trying to bring him back ...................... oof

song lan........... literally had his eyes AND tongue removed, his bfs eyes put in place, was almost killed, turned into a puppet by his bf unknowingly, manipulated by xy, sees his bf killing himself in despair.... and STILL finds the strenght to get up from there, and keep on traveling and helping people and attempting to fix xxcs soul.......... like, my man. damn. 

wangxian looking at songxiao and seeing an Actually more painful parallel for themselves. ft. that Color Coding. 

THE A-YUAN/SIZHUI REVEAL PUNCHED ME IN THE HEART but in a good way for a change

should have know that he would be the Best Boy the cute one w all the braincells

the butterfly AND the bunny lantern. i see how it is

u know is very convenient that no one can see the stark black veins on wen nings neck, ever 

BAT WEN NING 

wns face when lwj comes into wwx room like ‘:0 omg did u two finally get your shit together? good for you master wei good for u’ 

(they didnt) (yet)

DISASTER DRUNK LWJ. JUST. THRUST SOME CHICKENS TO SHOW UR RESSURECTED BAE THAT U LOVE THEM.

i have absolutely no idea WHY they gave lwj the same punishment for fighting his own sect/allies to protect the burial mounds as when they got drunk on cloud recess class days.... like? its such a ... emotional continuity error again

also is lwj gonna get an actual friend besides wwx , ever

mianmian marrying and having a family and a cute life after saying FUCK U AND UR SYSTEM TOO in a much less unhinged and dramatic way than wwx......... fills me w joy

also lol the idea that like. her husband not knowing that shes friends w satan/the boogey man/the village witch is hilarious

i love nie mingjue bc hes the resident Though Guy but also the most dramatic bitch in this show and thats Saying Something

jin ling cant have one uneventful relative can he

the fact that everyone present already knew “mo xuanyu” was wwx at the stairs is so funny, their faces are like ‘oh............ wow. that. sure is a development. shock” 

in the tradition of extremely loud whispers wwx tells lwj with twelve guards standing like one meter away from them: HEY PSH LAN ZHAN PRETEND IM FORCING YOU TO STAY W ME DO IT

oh my god oh my god

the absolute Yearning on his face when he leaves wwx and a-yuan at the burial mounds and refuses to stay for dinner was already Enough but the fact?? they brought it back?? to this declaration of love?? their expressions??????? strike me dead right now just go ahead

lFor Legal Reasons We Cant Kiss but we will have a very sappy declaration of love and trust and look at each other in way that is the actualization of 💞💘💗💖💓💘💞💗💖💘💗💖💕💞

also icb all the sect leaders and guards are standing there watching them say they like like each other with a dozen swords pointing at their neck

i enjoyed the depiction of the fickle public perception and how easily it can be used to scapegoat people. when the sect leaders turn on jgy and wwx knows thats its more for convenience than anything else...

poor lxc is literally like 'oh so when YOUR problematic boyfriend gets called evil its a misunderstanding but when its MY problematic bf-'

ok like i cant get over nmj let jgy play a song that messed with his temperament at all, like maN u KNEW he might be shady wth

wwx: “hey dont say anything bad abt lan zhan hes not an arrogant dick, thats just his face. 

ME ON THE OTHER HAND"

the cultivators as wwx is poking holes in their narrative is literally *nazaré meme*

"wei wuxian-!" "what did i break your leg, too?" not to be problematic but i laughed so hard

not as hard as "you dont have the rank to talk to me " tho

i Enjoy that, over the course of story, wwx sees that... theres nothing truly to Do, but move on. he saw how his arrogance and his mistakes hurt others, and hes trying to fix what he can, but he already did die for his mistakes and there are things he cant fix and that's. just how it is. even towards jgy, the narrative doesn't go gleefully and completely with "lets make THEM pay bc theyre the big bad" bc its not that simple, and it wouldn't lead anywhere but more pain...

re him and jiang cheng and the wens and kinda. isnt that what nhs did? scheming to displace jgy out of revenge more than any justice and doing so in the most painful way?

idk if that actually makes sense im truly just babbling

i thought the scene at the lotus pond would be CUTE but the context was PAIN again

jiang cheng finding out about his golden core and his conflict with wwx at the guanyin temple .... destroyed me but in a nice way kinda.... same way it destroys him look at his face oh god

and. the fact??? he sacrificed himself for wwx?? first?? and he'll probably never tell anyone much less wwx???? keeps me up at night

i havent decided if the neckbreak transition between jgy does sth super Evil or does he he does OR Does He yes he does O R does heeeee is sth i dislike or not

jin guangyao and wei wuxians most interesting parallel is that... theyve both seen 'hmm hey this system is fucked up' and wwx went 'so fuck it all i will renounce it and challenge it' and jgy went 'so fuck it i will use all of it to my advantage and manipulate it to my goals and whims'

the fact jgys mom was actually great and he loved her and his whole issue w it was more than simply being ashamed of being a bastard kinda got me ngl

never trust a dude with a fan.

nhs and jgy: the first rule to a convoluted and decades spanning violent revenge plot is to have fun and be yourself! 

when a-yuan finally FINALLY remembers ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; wen ning has someone in his family back and a-yuan has someone to talk abt his wen family and wwx has him back bc he survived and lwj raised him anD HES THEIR SON. THEYRE MARRIED AND HAVE A SON. UGH.

and theyre allowed to heal. everyone is allowed to try and recover and be happy

netflix put all of the 3 endings on top of each other and it looks kinda weird actually BUT I DONT EVEN MIND :’’’’’’’’’)

the gasp that left me when lwj says ‘wei ying’ and wwx turns.........

there was also a screen with ‘thank you mxtx for creating these characters, we hope their wishes come true’ and i might. have cried then too. maybe. 

that was . a ride. as is proven by this behemot of a ramble clearly i just really needed and Outlet. i am currently trying to convince dumb monkey brain to not consume the other medias of mdzs immediately bc i REALLY need to like. live. a life. and take care of real responsibilities.  *longest oh boi ever*

[bloody-wonder]

Every time I come across one of those posts or fics about how Andrew should feel bad about choking Kevin/how it was bad writing for Nora to have Andrew do it, it always seems to be Kevin superfans who are upset that Kandreil didn’t make it into the final draft. And every time I’m just baffled. How can people possibly feel so slighted by the exclusion of a pairing that Nora has said wouldn’t have made sense or been healthy in the final story anyway? The entitlement is just ridiculous

wowowow some juicy unpopular opinions are on the menu today!

i have a lot to say so buckle up. it’s gonna be one of those rants.

i have answered an ask about choking already. to sum it up: is choking kevin an acceptable mature way to express frustration at your bf being kidnapped by the mafia? no. is it in character for andrew? yes. will andrew apologize for it? no. will he and kevin still be friends? yes. 

first of all, i personally don’t see why kandreil would be unhealthy. i haven’t read nora’s statement about it but she didn’t elaborate, did she? it would be interesting to know why she thinks so but that’s unlikely to happen seeing as every word she utters about the characters she created gets her unproportional amounts of hate.

that being said, i totally see why kandreil would be out of character for the versions of kevin, neil and andrew that we see in the books. the relationships between kevin and the other two are certainly intense but i wish i didn’t have to suggest in the year of our lord 2020 that relationships can be intense without being sexual or romantic.

lets look at neil who’s canonically demi which means he has to have a profound emotional bond with a person in order to feel something like that for them. he has developed this bond with andrew throughout the books because they have similar backgrounds and are uniquely positioned to understand each other but more importantly because neil was put in a situation where he had to constantly actively communicate with andrew. andreil dialogues take up a large part of the books and enable us to see how andreil develops and works. nothing comparable happens between neil and kevin. they have a different dynamic altogether where neil looks up to kevin in the beginning for his exy skills and in turn kevin looks up to neil in the end for his being feisty in the face of imminent doom skills. neil chose to throw his anonymity away in order to stand up for kevin at kathy’s show which must mean he values kevin a lot, but he also antagonized him throughout the books, faulted him for not getting over his trauma in a timely manner and said the meanest things to him. a great and complex dynamic by all means. i have no complaints whatsoever and certainly don’t see them falling in love.

now lets look at andrew who isn’t aspec and has probably checked kevin out seeing as kevin is conventionally attractive. kevin & andrew is one of the most complex and interesting relationships i’ve ever seen in fiction. when we first encounter them their interactions are so intense that many readers (and neil) have interpreted them as a couple (because like i said before we tragically live in a society where tension is always seen as sexual). kevin and andrew met at such a time in their lives when they sorely needed something only the other was able to give: for kevin it was someone to stop him from returning to an abusive environment and for andrew it was someone who could see his real potential and worth behind his hostile manic exterior. so they started this weird co-dependent non-friendship which didn’t turn into anything else because - my big guess - neither of them wanted it to. andrew knows when he wants to fuck someone and knows how to arrange it but he didn’t with kevin because he already was a more important person to him than, for example, roland. the risks outweighed the benefits. but andrew did “arrange” it with neil probably because neil had something to offer which kevin had not. unlike kevineil where extensive relationship development had to take place in order for it to happen, kandrew could happen just because one of them suggested it. but guess what neither of them did and it’s canon. i for one am very happy that this unique exciting relationship wasn’t spoiled by romance.

finally lets look at kevin who isn’t a pov character like neil nor a character who’s constantly in neil’s focus of attention like andrew. we don’t have a comparable amount of information about kevin’s inner world so we have to surmise a lot of it just based on what neil cared to impart. so naturally the interpretations will differ. i personally see no signs of kevin being attracted to any person or any gender at any point in the books. there’s thea of course but she’s such an obvious last minute addition that i don’t even want to consider her. the kevin i know is living his best life as an unmarried childless aroace exy legend surrounded by friends and family and friends who are family. i’m aroace and imagining kevin single and happy is very important to me. it’s probably equally important to kandreil shippers to see some good polyamorous rep which is only slightly less rare in media than aroace rep. but the difference between me and kandreil shippers is that i have a magical ability to disagree with the author without cursing the very earth she walks upon.

ah yes, another difference is of course that they have an argument set in stone - kandreil was canon in earlier drafts. but do you know what else was there in the earlier drafts? jean was dead in them. so was erik in some of them which made nicky a different person altogether. also i distinctly remember nora writing that she has been developing this story for so long that she has shipped all the possible pairings at some point or another. kandreil aren’t special in that sense. what i am getting at is that in order to have a productive discussion we have to choose a particular draft of the story and stick to it, so if it’s a kandreil draft we have to know what else was different in that version, and if it’s the books then well kandreil isn’t canon in them end of story. 

that of course doesn’t mean that people can’t write absolutely stellar kandreil fanfics but it does mean that they have to dial down what you called “the entitelment”. because aftg means different things to different readers and if you insult the author for writing it the way you don’t like you also insult the readers who see themselves represented in the way the story is written. and kandreil fans are so aggressive. it’s smart of you sending the ask on anon cause otherwise they’d come for you so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you. just the other day i saw a post which basically said that the reason kevin is portrayed in fics in such a reductive way and writers don’t know what to do with him except make fun of his exy obsession and alcoholism is because andreil is built on the bones of kandreil and, being excluded from this relationship by the author, kevin can never be happy. this take right here illustrates very clearly that the shipping culture damages human brain in such a way that a fulfilling life outside a romantic relationship becomes inconcievable. fic writers diminish kevin to those things not because nora decided she wants her final draft to be about andreil, but because most of them aren’t able to write about a character unless they’re in a relationship. maybe some day fanfiction will develop past that but today is not that day.

i have read some kandreil fanfiction to see what the fuss is all about and my expert opinion is that all of it is ooc. clearly in order for kandreil to happen some manipulations with the existing characters have to be made. i consider myself a kevin superfan but i mean the kevin as he is in the books (and in my awesome hc). the kevin in kandreil fics i don’t know, he’s a character from a book i didn’t read so he can do whatever and date whoever, i don’t care either way. i only care when people insult the books, andreil or nora because they’re bitter that their ship isn’t canon. what a way to live in the year of our lord 2020. 

[kendrixtermina]

Further reactions to "The book of lost tales":

I appreciate that Idril canonically wears armor and does swordfighting.

I feel like I can actually imagine adult!Idril much better now like in armor and with open hair, distraught but ready to fight while babby Earendil does not yet realize the danger...

My first thought is that Earendil was probably cute in that baby chainmail. My second thought is OUCH, Idril and Tuor always made sure their growing baby had fitting chainmail cause they felt the apocalypse might get them at any moment. Imagine that, imagine them having the baby armor fitted every year or so :(

Its fun how much of the basic structure already exists but most of what you'd consider the main characters doesn't exist or is scattered across various minor roles The only Prince anywhere in sight is Turgon - Except for Team Doriath, theyre all accounted for. I suppose Maeglin is kinda there in name only with vaguely the same role & motivation, but looks personality and background all did a 180 since. Luthien is still pretty much "princesd classic" at this point, not quite the fearless go-getter from the final version - markedly this version tells Beren that she doesnt want to wander in the wilderness with him whereas the final one says she doesnt care and its Beren still wants to get the shiny so as not to ask this of her and also for his honor.

I mean in the finished version Id consider the 3rd and 4th gen royals to be the main characters (well, alobgside Team Doriath and the varioud human heroes) and theyre hardly here. Imagine the silm with no Finrod!

Feanor had no affiliation with the royal family whatsoever, and is also generally less super. He's just the guy who won the jewelsmithing competition, not the inventor of the whole discipline. Still seems to have been envisionad as a respected member of the community who gets called to the palace for crisis meetings and is listened to when he stsrts giving speeches. From the first he already has the backstory of going off the deep end (or at least growing disillusioned with Valinor) after a family member is killed by Melkor and theyre still the first to die, but its just some other rando unrelated to the royals

The situation regarding the humans is different - instead of Melkor leaking their existence, its Manwe who explains that the other continents were supposed to be for them eventually. So Feanor goes off on a tirade about weak puny mortals comes off as a more of a jerk unlike in the final version where Melkor barely knew about the humans and described them to the Noldor as a threat. On the other hand in this one, also very much unlike in the finished product, Melkor dupes even Manwe into being unfair to the elves as a whole. In this the final version is a definite improvement, both Feanor and the Valar come off as a lot more sympathetic and though still deceived he's partially right in some things at least, so you have more of a genuine tragedy rather than a simple feud

There is something to the idea of Commoner!Feanor tho. I guess some of this survived in his nomadic explorer lifestyle and how both his wife and mother (who arent mentioned here) eventually were the ones to get that background of being not especially pretty ladies who are not from the nobility but got renown, respect and acclaim for their unique talent and contribution to society, with each having invented things and Nerdanel also being renowed for her wisdom. Hes sort of an odysseus-like Figure in that sense. I suppose later developements necesitated that Maedhros & co. have an army not just a band of thieves, which means they needed to be nobles/lords. That said this being a society where artisans are very respected and half the lords have scholarly/artistic pursuits going, the gap was probably not as big to begin with as it might have been in say, medieval England. Esoecially since Nerdanel's father had been given special honor by one of the local deities and that the social order might have been a very recent thing in Miriel's time. One might speculate that the first generation of Lords started out as warriors during the great journey, or perhaps just Finwe's friend group.

Also found that bit intetesting where the Valar have to deal with the remaining political tensions and effects of Melkor's lies on the remaining population in Valinor... - i guess with the change of framing device it was less likely for news of something like this to reach Beleriand. That, or the existence of Finarfin and his repentance made this go smoother this over in later cannon

Turgon's go-down-with-the-ship moment reaaly got to me. Im half tempted to write a fic where his wife, siblings and dad glomp him on arrival in Mandos. I dont care that none of them exists yet in this continuity i want Turgon to get hugs

I love all the additional Detail that got compressed out in the shift from fairytale-ish to pseudohistoric style especially all the various Valinor magic insofofar as it is compatible with the final version - particularly love the idea of the connection between the lamps and the trees that is now integrated into my headcanon forever

Its actually explained what the doors of night are

If I had not already read unfinished tales or volumes X to XII where this is also apparent, this is where I would say: Ah so the Valar were supposed to be flawed characters. Manwe has an actual arc; by the time he sends Gandalf he finally "got" it. I think in the published silm the little arcs of Ulmo and Manwe are mostly just lost in compression/ less apparent when only some of the relevant scenes got in but not all

It occurred to me way too late that the "BG" chars are the most consistent because theyre at the start and most stories are written from beginning to end. Finwe doesnt get a dedicated paragraph of explicit description until HoME X but my takeaway was that he's described pretty much like I always imagined him anyways/ same vibe I always got from him... charismatic, thoughtful, enthusiastic, sanguine temperament, brave in a pinch but at times lets his judgement be clouded by personal sentiment (though that last bit is more apparent/salient as a character flaw once he became the father of a certain Problem Child) ...i guess this would be a result of jrrt having had a consistent idea of him in his head for a long time.

This means Finwe's still alive at the time of the exodus which is just fun to see/interesting to know... Interestingly he sort of gets what later would be Finarfin's part of ineffectually telling everxone to please chill and think it over first while Feanor simply shouts louder (which is consistent with his actions before the sword incident in later canon where he initially spoke out against the suspiciozs regarding the Valar) - but its not exactly the same, he's more active than Finarfin later in that when "chillax" availed nothing he said that then at least they should talk with the other Kings and Manwe to leave with their blessing and get help leaving (This seems like it would have been the clusterfuck preventing million dollar suggestion in the universe where Feanor is related to him and values him) but when even that falls on death ears he decides that he "would not be parted from his people" and went to run the preparations. I find it interesting that the motivation is sentiment/attachment (even phrased as "he would not be parted from [his people]" same words/ expression as is later used for the formenos situation), not explicitly obligation as it later is for Fingolfin (who had promised to follow Feanor and didnt want to leave his subjects at the mercy of Feanor's recklessness )

Speaking of problem children. It seems the sons of Feanor were the Kaworu Nagisa of the Silmarillion in that originally all they do is show up at some point and kill Dior as an episodic villain-of-the-week. And then, it seems their role got bigger in each continuity/rewrite... probably has something to do with the Silmarils ending up in the title later making it in the sense their story that ends and begins with them. They have zero characterization beyond "fierce and wild" at this point, though in what teetsy bits there is we already have the idea that Maedhros is the leader and Curufin is the smart one/shemer/sweet-talker, though not the bit where Maedhros (or Maglor, or anyone really) is "the nice one". Which I guess explains why "Maglor" sounds like such a stereotypical villain name.

"The Ruin of Doriath" was purportedly the patchworkiest bit of the finished product, but I never noticed and it actually left quite an impression of me upon first reading, the visual of Melian sitting there with Thingol's corpse in her arms contemplating everything thinking back to how they met... she had the knowledge to warn him not to doom himself but couldnt get him to understand it because he doesnt see the world as she does.... After reading this though I wish there was a 'dynamic' rendition that combined all the best bits like, youd have to adapt it to the later canon's rendition of the dwarves, have Nargothrond exist etc. But i mean that just makes Finrod another dead/doomed relative of Thingol's whom bling cannot truly replace, like Luthien and Turin. In the Silmarillion you could easily read it as just an "honoured guest treatment" but here and in unfinished tales I get the impression that Thingol actually did see Turin as a son.

Already you see the idea of trying to make the stories all interconnected but there is less than there will be (the human heroes aren't related yet and there is basically no Nargothrond, which is later a common thread for many of the stories - a prototype shows up in the 'Tale of Turambar' tho complete with half baked prototypes of Orodreth and Finduillas

O boi im not even through yet

[hg47]

47 Reasons Why I Fear Islam - (Reason 1)

-1-I am suspicious of any religion that demands the death of any member who quits. Polls taken worldwide consistently reveal that the majority of Muslims in the world want the laws of whatever country they are living within changed to allow the execution of any Muslim who leaves Islam (if the laws do not already allow this).  The majority of Muslims in the world also want the laws of whatever country they are living in to make blasphemy of Islam an offense punishable by death.  The majority of Muslims in the world also want the laws of whatever country they are living within to allow for hand amputation as a punishment for theft. This frightens me because it indicates that so called “moderate Muslims” are in the minority, possibly far below the 50% mark of Muslims.  10%?  It also frightens me because it shows that Muslims are not inclined to assimilate into Western society; they will generally NOT acquire Western values.  A few will; but most?  No.  It frightens me because the bulk of Muslims expect whatever country they are living within to change and adapt to their own religion.  Most moderate Muslims fully expect to slowly destroy EVERYTHING non-Islamic, over a period of centuries. Western culture honors the individual, The Unique Individual, and tries to provide a framework for different people, with their differing backgrounds, to work constructively together. Islamic rulings deny the value of the individual.  People only exist so that their God will have worshippers.  And their God is delighted in proportion and intensity of the received worship.  (Asking for a Muslim who pretends to be my friend: Since a female Muslim is only worth half a male Muslim, does that mean that her worship only delights the Islamic God half as much?) As I write this, 9/25/2013 10:20 AM, significantly more than half the Muslims in the world want to kill any Muslim who quits their religion.  What does this say about Islam?  What does this say about what Islam does to people? One of my favorite TV shows is LIFE, starring Damian Lewis and Sarah Shahi.  It only ran for 2 seasons. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B001I24BTA/ref=dv_dp_ep4 Episode 4, Season 2 of LIFE is based on the Stanford Prison Experiment: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_prison_experiment This Wikipedia entry details what the Guard/Prisoner Dynamic does to people. In the LIFE episode: “Us Against Them -- A university’s prison experiment goes horribly wrong when one of the students acting as a corrections officer ends up dead.”  The show demonstrates in a dramatic way, how civilized college kids can be made to behave in savage ways, doing terrible things they never could have imagined they would ever do, just by organizing them within a Guard/Prisoner Dynamic. I believe this is what Islam does to people: it sets up a Guard/Prisoner Dynamic.  Male Muslims are the Guards.  Female Muslims are the Prisoners.  Male head of a household: Warden.  Sons: Rookie Guards.  Religious leaders would be the Western equivalent of Rock Stars.  Super-Wardens?  Outside the prison walls: “Infidels!  We must make the prison larger!  Need more prisoners!”  Anyone who quits Islam: “Escaped prisoner!  Kill!  Kill!”  Obviously, I am over-simplifying.  But I think I’m onto something.  A useful First Approximation? Is Islam a force for Good, or a force for Evil?  You tell me!  Send me a tweet. ++++------- tweet ~ Islam theologizes the inferiority of Muslim women as being worth 1/2 of Muslim men. A non-Muslim has no worth unless impregnated by a Muslim ++++------- http://www.amazon.com/Islam-Terrorism-teaches-Christianity-violence/dp/0884198847/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1380596025&sr=1-1&keywords=islam+and+terrorism+mark+a+gabriel In ISLAM AND TERRORISM by Mark A. Gabriel, Ph.D., Mark tells how when he quit Islam to become a Christian, his father tried to kill him as he ran away: His own father, with tears streaming down his face, shooting bullets at him. ++++------- tweet ~ Christianity + Judaism + Technology = Man on the Moon (Reaching for Heaven?) \\ Islam + Technology = Rioting Muslim Mobs (Hell on Earth?) ++++------- http://wikiislam.net/wiki/Islam_and_Apostasy The majority of Muslims in the world want anyone who quits Islam to be killed.  The stats show that most Muslims are inflexible on this point.  Keep it in mind, before you convert to Islam.  Once in, never out. ++++------- tweet ~ HASSAN ROUHANI: “Iran only wants Nuclear Energy for Peaceful Medical purposes. Medical tests scheduled for Tel Aviv, New York, London…” ~ (OK, I’m joking!  But I do believe that is their intent.) ++++------- http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/son-of-hamas-holds-islam-responsible-for-middle-easts-anguish/article2239037/?utm_medium=Feeds%3A%20RSS%2FAtom&utm_source=Home&utm_content=2239037 In this article MICHAEL POSNER argues that the Palestinian/Israeli Conflict is not about politics or security, but is all about religion.  He also argues that anyone who does not believe in Islam is under a Death Sentence. ++++------- tweet ~ Female Suicide Bombers in Paradise: “You are a brand new Virgin! We’re giving you to Male Bomber #45889! Happy Eternity!” ++++------- http://www.city-journal.org/2011/21_3_muslim-economy.html In this article Guy Sorman gets into the whole sharia banking thing, how Islamic banks do all the formerly forbidden Infidel monetary practices like interest and credit, but just describe them differently so the imams back home don’t get upset.  Guy also brings up the point that any Sunni imam can define what it means to leave Islam and become an apostate under a death sentence, and that this tends to discourage any innovation.  Why try something new, if you might get killed for it? ++++------- I am amused.  Muslims, always concerned with the letter of the law, never the intent of the law, are now using forbidden Infidel banking practices of “interest” and “credit” which are illegal under Islamic law—but the Muslims just give these practices different names.  So, it’s OK! Is this Islam lying to itself?  Or is this an instance of Muslim banking specialists lying to Muslim imams?  Or are they all “in on the game” and cool with the Great Big Lie? This whole “describing things differently” thing to conform with Islamic law actually is an Islamic legal precedent, if moderate Muslims wish to take advantage of it.  Feminists, get on this!  If Muslim bankers can find a “description” of the hateful Infidel banking practice of “derivatives” which conforms to Sharia law, perhaps Muslim feminists can find a “description” of women which will give them equal rights with men under Islamic law.  There may be a better approach, but this Islamic legal precedent of “describing things differently” may be of some use.  Possibly “Infidels” might be described as “innocent future Muslims” so as to avoid bloodshed. ++++------- tweet ~ 66% of Protestant pastors in the US believe that Islam is “Dangerous” * (Harper’s) ++++------- http://www.familysecuritymatters.org/publications/id.9182/pub_detail.asp In this article, AMIL IMANI argues that Islam is not a religion, but rather a cult.  The way Amil Imani describes it, Islam does seem to fit the definition. ++++------- tweet ~ Which is the better TwitterName for that guy? Ahmadinedildo or Ahmadildojad? I love pushing a dildo into Ahmadinejad, does that make me gay? ++++------- http://pajamasmedia.com/blog/the-stifling-effect-of-muhammeds-life-and-teachings-on-muslim-society/ One of the things Hege Storhaug mentions in this article is the Pew Research study results that 84% of Egyptians want to kill anyone who leaves Islam. ++++------- tweet ~ ISLAMABAD (Reuters – May, 2015) - Pakistan has blocked all Western media indefinitely in a bid to contain “blasphemous” material. ~ (OK, I’m just trying to think ahead here.  It’s now 10/12/2013 5:06 AM.  But something like this may happen.  Iran is trying to set up its own Islamic-Approved Internet to control information and eliminate protest against the government.) ++++------- http://www.familysecuritymatters.org/publications/id.8622/pub_detail.asp In this article Diana West mentions the Pew stat about 84% of Egyptians wanting to kill anyone who leaves Islam. ++++------- tweet ~ US (Reuters – May, 2017) – Twitter begins filtering in deference to Muslims: Muhammad, Mohamed & Muhamad now appear in Tweets as GEORGE. ~ (Again, this is just me, circa 10/12/2013 5:11 AM trying to think ahead.) ++++------- http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/world/la-fg-1206-muslim-poll-20101206,0,252922.story This article by Meris Lutz, Los Angeles Times, has more stats about Islam.  Muslims, by wide majorities in Egypt, Pakistan, and Nigeria want current laws changed so that anyone who exits Islam can be executed. ++++------- At present, Muslims who leave Islam are sometimes killed by family members or, occasionally, angry Muslim mobs.  So I can see why Muslims want the laws of their nation changed to kill those who leave Islam.  Let the state deal with it.  This would save family embarrassment.  I wonder if there are stats on what percentage of Muslims quit Islam and survive? ++++------- tweet ~ So which do the #TeaParty Tweople hate more? Black man Obama in White House? Or Shiite Muslim Rima Fakih as winner of Miss USA contest? ++++------- http://www.citizenwarrior.com/2009/05/terrifying-brilliance-of-islam.html Citizen Warrior, in this article, confirms that Islam is a Once-In-Never-Out Proposition. ++++------- tweet ~ Saudi Women are not allowed to drive, inherit, divorce or gain custody of children, and cannot socialize with unrelated men. Can they Tweet? ++++------- http://www.hudson-ny.org/1610/sharia-advancing-in-west This article by Salah Uddin Shoaib Choudhury is mostly about Islamic Banking in the West, and how the Sharia experts are setting the stage now for the eventual destruction of the United States of America.  The murder of apostates is also mentioned. ++++------- tweet ~ INTERPOL Agrees to Same-Sex Couple Conjugal Visits between Ex-President Ahmadinejad & Ayatollah Khamenei if they both surrender immediately. ~ (Yes, another joke.) ++++------- http://www.dailyprincetonian.com/2010/10/12/26542/ This article by Brendan Carroll brings up Geert Wilders, and asks some serious questions concerning Free Speech, Islamic values, and Western Values.  It also notes that Muslim youth today have been radicalized compared with former generations of Muslims living within the West. ++++------- tweet ~ We have political ads on TV to influence voters; Iraq has clerics in mosque chanting for death. The real #Iraq ballots are bullets & bombs. ++++------- http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-11559451 Stephen Evans in this article notes that Muslims have largely failed to integrate as useful members of German society, instead becoming a drain upon the state and a threat to German values. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +Go-To-2+ +Go-To-Beginning-Of-47-REASONS-WHY-I-FEAR-ISLAM+

[polyamorousmisanthrope]

Does it Work?

This is a paper I wrote in 2009 trying desperately to find the line between healthy, in-group behaviors and cult.  It was inconclusive as hell.

In studying the alternative lifestyles and communities of the US in the past 200-odd years, there has been an attempt to judge whether or not these communities are good.   That’s fine in the context of a rigid social system or system of morality against which it present a background or framework.

Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on your point of view, the United States of 2009 simply doesn’t have a single, unified code by which to judge the goodness or badness of a lifestyle.  Oh, we agree that child molestation is wrong and revile the more excessive behaviors of a Warren Jeffs of the FLDS church, or a David Koresh.   But for things less extreme than rape and murder, the line between “good” and “bad” becomes far more fuzzy.

Social traditionalists might bemoan the fuzzy line, cry “declining family values” or even “lack of faith in God”.   This is a difficult point of view for a thoughtful student of social history to take seriously.  Even as recently as the 1950s, the Leave it to Beaver snapshot of a household wasn’t exactly the real world that people were living.  The author’s own grandfather worked three jobs during that time-period to support a family of six, and when the children were in school, his wife also went to work to be able to pay the expanded expenses of a household with four pre-teen and teenagers.

If people can idealize and romanticize times they actually lived through, how much easier it is to romanticize times of more than a century ago.   We remember the family solidarity of Little House on the Prairie, but fail to internalize the desperate poverty of a family that could only afford two dresses for each child, that counted on fish from a creek three times a day to get through a summer, and a rearing that caused one of the children to feel she must go to work to pay her parents back for the expense of rearing her.

In the face of this romanticism, it is easy to cry “Traditional Family Values!” when confronted with a new problem of living such as Polyamory.  However, that sort of answer, when faced with the realities of our changing society and its mores is worse than useless, as Traditional Family Values hearken back to an age that never actually existed.  If it didn’t exist and work then, how could it be possible to make it exist and work now?

Polyamory is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary thus:

The fact of having simultaneous close emotional relationships with two or more other individuals, viewed as an alternative to monogamy, esp. in regard to matters of sexual fidelity; the custom or practice of engaging in multiple sexual relationships with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned.

This definition isn’t entirely accepted by everyone in the polyamory community, but as a writer in the polyamory community herself, the author personally considers it good enough to be going on with.

Polyamory, then, can just be considered an open alternative to sexual exclusivity.  This is practiced in many ways by different people.   Many married couples who are polyamorous might have their marriage, household, dog, kids and white picket fence, but also engage in romantic/sexual relationships outside of the marriage relationships.   Others take it in a different direction – eschewing pair bonding and forming non-formal relationships.   Yet others form group marriage.   This relationship is often called a PolyFamily, and is probably the least common form of polyamorous relationship practiced.

So, does it work?

One could answer “yes and no”, but it would hardly be conclusive.   Sometimes not.  Margaret Hollenbach (Hollenbach)  did not find her life in the Family in New Mexico very workable.   Hollenbach had to be just about the classical “hippie”.  College kid, white, from a relatively well-to-do background though with divorced parents – somewhat less common in the late 1960s and early 1970s than now.  She joined the Family in Taos, New Mexico and found that the lifestyle and therapy sessions[1] reminiscent of the brainwashing techniques used by the Chinese government (Hollenbach  166).  She also comments that her own experience did not include coercion in the classical sense.  One was free to get up and walk away and there were no physical attempts at restraint.

However, one of the serious problems with any long-term live-in relationship that may or may not be workable is the fact that while one might not be physically restrained from leaving if it becomes unpleasant, unworkable or difficult, there are matters of social isolation, inertia, and the simple financial ties anyone has in a household that one must contend with.   Historically, some communes, in a deep desire not to be coercive when it came to group membership have had a way to pay out members that wished to leave so that they would not feel financially tied to a group that they did not want to be with.   The Shakers would allow a member who left to take any property that he had brought with him upon joining away, or give a monetary allowance to those who joined empty-handed.   Few modern communes, poly or otherwise, have had such a forward-thinking view.

There is also the social isolation.  If one lives in a group where the internal culture is “different”, there is an increased tendency towards Groupthink.  Groupthink is generally characterized by premature concurrence seeking – high conformity pressures, self-censorship of dissenting ideas, mindguards and the maintenance of the image of unanimity (Forsyth  370).  The ideals of marriage say that the happy, effective couple presents a united front.  However good or bad this idea is, it becomes problematic in a group marriage situation.

At first, it might not seem so. That united front can be useful.   Imagine being a car salesman and negotiating a loan among four people who can play off of each other and come together with the precision of watch gears while you have to answer each and every one of them all by yourself[2].  To be a member of such an effective team can be pretty heady.

But there’s a dark side.  That groupthink?  It’s very real.  In the interests of the unified front, one can suppress one’s own dissenting opinions, find oneself weary of discussion and abdicate opinion in the interests of quiet.  This is an example of something that doesn’t work for long.

The social isolation is often a problem as well.  If one lives in a group marriage or other alternative relationship, one often finds that the internal frame of reference of the group is the one that’s turned to for a “reality check”.  Choosing the left-hand path means that one occasional faces outside disapproval.  The “us against them” view that one can develop within such a context, while entirely human and natural,[3] can be counter-productive for the individual health of individual members of a group.

In observing group relationships that work out well, a primary characteristic of any of them seems to hinge around personal privacy and, oddly enough, a high value placed on individuality.  “The two (or three or four) shall become one” does not wear well in a polyamorous situation.  The relationship and personal dynamic must be very different for it to work.

The Oneida Community had an inkling of this when it built its group home.  Each adult member had his own small room.  While they professed to value the group over anything, and diaries of the time talk of struggles with selfishness (Herrick 62), there was an understanding that a certain level of personal privacy and personal choice are very necessary to the happiness of a person within a group.  Within the Oneida Community, there were people with varying interests and these interests were encouraged.  Children were sent off to school away from the O.C., people often made trips to visit the “Outside”, as they called it, and there was a tacit understanding that one would choose for oneself how much to participate in the “social life[4]” of the Community.  While it ultimately dissolved, keep in mind that the Oneida Community lasted for thirty years – a Methuselah among communes.

Modern marriage counselors now talk about this more and more often.   In modern mental health literature, there is a strong theme of taking responsibility for one’s own needs instead of depending on another to meet them.  This isn’t to say that we must blow off others’ needs and desires, nor that we have no responsibility to the people with whom we’ve formed relationships.

Each human being has freedom of choice over his or her own actions; all of us are accountable for our choices and their consequences.  No other person can be responsible for the feelings that result from our choices, be they happy or sad. (Paul and Paul 212).

Recognition of this individual responsibility seems to be the key to happy interpersonal relationships of all sorts.  While it might seem that it means that one could callously assert that if someone else is unhappy in the face of what’s going on that it’s his own problem, that extreme isn’t quite the way accepting personal responsibility for one’s own feelings and actions work.   While it’s impossible actually to be responsible for another’s feelings, it’s also impossible to have a good relationship without caring about the other’s feelings as well.  It’s an important balance.

Also required for good balance is the “what’s in it for me?” factor. There has to be some incentive for people to devote time/energy/money to almost anything, and they have to feel like they’re getting a good trade out of it.  A housewife, putting in long hours to create a beautiful and comfortable home, might be compensated by a spouse with more free time to earn a higher salary.  That spouse might be glad to have a well-run home and be relieved of housekeeping responsibilities.   While a very “traditional” view, it’s one that works out in practice as well[5].   In communal situations larger than a family, a credit system where work means something tangible tends to work out better than an “from each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs” situation.   The founder of Twin Oaks in Louisa, VA commented, “Nowadays, I think you need some personal incentive to put out your best in the work scene.” (Kuhlmann 126)

The poly families that work out the best do seem to be families where there is a high regard for individualism and privacy, as well as a strong vested interest in each member of the group finding the relationship a fulfilling, perhaps even profitable, one.

Works  Cited

Forsyth, Donelson R. Group  Dynamics. Belmont: Wadsworth, 2005.

Herrick, Tirzah  Miller. Desire and Duty at Oneida : Tirzah Miller’s Intimate Memoir. Ed. Robert S. Fogarty. New York: Indiana University Press, 2000.

Hollenbach, Margarget.  Lost and Found : My Life in a Group Marriage Commune. New York:  University of New Mexico Press, 2004.

Kuhlmann, Hilke. Living  Walden Two : B. F. Skinner’s Behaviorist Utopia and Experimental Communities. New York: Univeristy of Illinois Press, 2005.

Paul, Jordan and  Margaret Paul. Do I Have to Give up Me to Be Loved by You? Grand  Rapids: Hazelden & Educational Services, 2002.

[1] They used a form of Gestalt therapy as a means of social cohesion.

[2] This actually happened in my own quad.  One of the former members still owns and drives that car!

[3] There are few things better for group cohesion than a common “enemy”, as history has proven more than once.

[4] The expression “social life” in the Oneida Community was a euphemism for sexual relationships.

[5] When I worked full time, while I did do housework at home, having a housewife there for primary childcare duties was a great boon to my ability to focus on my job!

[hcro]

lily luna potter ;; biosheet

❝ and i will STAY UP through the night. and let’s be clear, won’t close my eyes. and i KNOW that i can survive. i’ll walk through fire to save my life. and i want it, i want my LIFE so bad. i’m doing everything i can. then another one bites the dust. it’s hard to lose a chosen one. you did not break me. i’m still fighting for p e a c e. well, i’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart, but your blade - it might be too sharp. i’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard. yeah, i may snap and i move fast but you won’t see me fall apart ‘cause i’ve got an ELASTIC HEART. ❞

basics

name

lily { lil ◦ ee } :  the name lily is of old english origins, it was taken from the name of the plant having delicate, trumpet-shaped flowers regarded as a symbol of purity and perfection. the word is derived from the middle english lilie, which is from the old english and latin lilium (lily). alternatively, lily is used as a pet form of both lilian (lily) and lilith (of the night).

“people with this name have a deep inner desire to serve humanity and to give to others by sharing money, knowledge and experience, or creative and artistic ability. people with this name tend to be a powerful force to all whose lives they touch. they are capable, charismatic leaders who often undertake large endeavors with great success. they value truth, justice, and discipline, and may be quick-tempered with those who do not. if they fail to develop their potential, they may become impractical and rigid.” [ x ]

luna { loon ◦ a } : the name is directly derived from the latin luna (the moon), she was the roman mythological goddess of the moon and is equated with the greek selene. luna can be used as an astrological name for those born under the sign of cancer, which is ruled by the moon.

“people with this name have a deep inner desire for order and physical creativity, and want to be involved in conventional, safe activities. people with this name tend to be creative and excellent at expressing themselves. they are drawn to the arts, and often enjoy life immensely. they are often the center of attention, and enjoy careers that put them in the limelight. they tend to become involved in many different activities, and are sometimes reckless with both their energies and with money.” [ x ]

potter { pot ◦ ter } : the surname potter is an occupational name for a maker of drinking and storage vessels, from an agent derivative of middle english, middle low german pot. in the middle ages the term covered workers in metal as well as earthenware and clay.

—

they named you lily luna potter.

lily was after a girl with hair redder than dragon fire, just like you. your grandmother was not only an extraordinary witch but a beacon of light. lily evans-potter represented the faith that unselfish love could defeat the greatest of evils: death. she had stood for kindness, for strength, for wit, and most of all, for courage ― the fortitude to stand up to enemies and friends alike, to forge one’s own path. the right path. 

but for all of her virtue, there was a certain duality to her, and the same double-edged sword cuts through your heart. you might have her capacity for love, but you also have her overwhelming fury and ferocity. it rages within you like a unstoppable forest fire, burning so bright that anything in the vicinity will be consumed in the flames – including you. sometimes you wish you could tear your bounding heart from your body, just so you could stop this unrelenting aching in your chest, once and for all. you don’t know how to handle your passion, your spark, and you almost feel ruination is all you know. and then a thought presses at your mind, so petrifying it makes your blood runs cold: you could destroy yourself one day. the brightest flames burn out the quickest.

luna was for a woman who carries a different sort of grit than your grandma did: the boldness to always be herself without remorse, without apologies. sometimes you wonder if your godmother ever tried to change. did she ever listen when the world told her what she ought to be? since the day you were born, humanity expected nothing less than greatness from you, and you don’t remember who exactly you were before they molded you into something else. you taught yourself to be fearless and brazen and strong. but even now that you’re following in your parents’ footsteps, you’re still not enough for yourself. slowly, you’re learning not to feel shame and regret when you look into the mirror, but you find the strength to steel yourself somehow, just as luna did. in front of the flashing cameras, you paste the roguish of smiles on your face, never letting them see the cracks in your armor. people are bound to talk. you’ll give them something to talk about.

and much like your namesake luna, you treasure your friends and family with all that you have too. it was always instilled in you that nothing mattered more than your loved ones, and you took that lesson to heart, sharing with them a softness that most people have never witnessed from you. they see the girl behind the facades you wear – the bounding heart you’ve learned to keep hidden away, lest the world finally manages to break it for good.

and everyone knows what potter means. whenever you walk by, people whisper. they point. you hail from the most famous wizarding family there is, and you wear your surname like a badge of honor. you are proud to be a potter and a weasley. the accomplishments your family has amounted are extraordinary. but that’s just it, isn’t it? all your life, you’ve chased glory and praise, but when your father is the wizarding world’s savior, it is impossible to measure up to the world’s expectations of you. you’re not enough, never enough.

you take pride in your name. but you are a walking memorial of a girl, named after a martyr and a maverick. you are never only yourself; you are the names of all that came before you.

and you’ll be in their shadow for the rest of your life.

birthday

august 13, 2008

“august 13 birthday - the horoscope of the sharpshooter

your greatest challenge is: coping with your anger and impatience

the way forward is: to step outside yourself when your emotions reach boiling point. this will remind you that you alone are in charge of your feelings.

people born on august 13 zodiac are no strangers to conflict and controversy. they are sharpshooters who always aim true, and their urge to break with convention compels them to take on challenges or make waves, whatever situation they are in.

the unconventional vision, resilience and tenacity of purpose that are key characteristics of these people can earn both the admiration and the disapproval of others. this is because despite the wounding criticism of those who regard their rebellious notions as ridiculous or fanciful, they always remain faithful to their beliefs. if life doesn’t go their way, they refuse to be crushed by disappointment. and as their unusual imagination is supported by solid analytical skills, more often than not those who start out disagreeing with or disapproving of them will end up admiring their bravery, even if not agreeing with their standpoint.

as risk takers, they have all the courage, discipline and energy to attract success; what they sometimes lack is perfect timing. they need to learn when to cut their losses and move on, when to be patient, and when to pounce.

dynamic and sociable, people born on august 13 zodiac often have a wide circle of friends, and their deeply felt passions and zest for life are incredibly attractive to romantic partners. however, deep insecurities underneath the bravado may block their dreams of intimacy and true love.

on the dark size: brash, insensitive, unrealistic

at your best: ambitious, resilient, courageous” [ x ]

lily came into this world only two days after her mum’s birthday, predestining her to a lifetime of comparisons to ginny. like her mother before her, she was the youngest and only girl, born at the height of summer, with hair as red as hellfire and dark, dark eyes. but anyone who’s truly paying attention could deduce the truth: there is so much harry within lily, far more than there is ginny. it’s uncanny.

because of the proximity of the dates, she’s never had a celebration to herself, and for a girl with two borrowed names, she finds herself craving something – anything – to call her own. would there ever come a day where someone would think of her without thinking of her crippling legacy? she loves her ancestry so much that she would never dare think of breaking free, but sometimes she’s not sure if she’s truly her own person or just a crude amalgam of her family.

gender

a cis-woman

sexuality

bisexual demiromantic

somewhere deep down, lily always had an inkling that she was bisexual, but it took several years for her to come to this revelation while she navigated through her internalized fear and doubt. it certainly wasn’t her family that instilled this as they had always been so accepting and supportive, but society had ingrained compulsory heterosexuality into her, making it difficult for her to find validity in her feelings for girls. she’s still not publicly out, as she isn’t ready to face the vitriol of the media, but her close friends and family all know.

much like her mother in her youth, lily has never dated anyone for long. see, while she often experiences sexual attraction, lily hasn’t quite felt a romantic attraction to anyone in years. there have been inklings of feelings here and there, yes, but never anything truly substantial. lily worries she might never fall in love again, a thought that terrifies her. but what terrifies her even more is falling in love. she’s a contradiction in that regard–she longs for intimacy but she’s afraid to be vulnerable. a highly distrustful and guarded person, she isn’t used to letting her guard down. to lily, that’s how you get hurt.

because she’s demiromantic (although she hasn’t realized it yet), lily needs to feel a romantic attraction, there needs to be an established emotional connection, a kinship. she will never have instant romantic feelings for someone. it takes time for lily to love you–and even more time for her to accept it. falling in love, after all, is opening yourself up to someone who might not feel the same. falling in love means making sacrifices for someone who might betray you. falling in love makes you weak and takes away your control, and that is what scares lily more than almost anything. so it takes a lot of trust for her to willingly admit she’s fallen in love, trust that is very hard for someone to earn.

when lily does love though, she loves recklessly. lily is always consumed by her emotions, and love is far from the exception. for those that she loves, she would eternally condemn herself to the depths of hell without a second of thought. she will bleed and ache and suffer without complaint to protect them. she’ll even kill.

blood status

halfblood

hogwarts house

gryffindor

there was never a doubt in her mind where she would be sorted until she let the sorting hat fall over her eyes. she expected to hear him bellow “gryffindor!” in a matter of seconds, but the hat took his sweet time, telling her that she could find a home with the snakes, if she wished to forge a separate path for herself.

not slytherin, she nearly cried out, clenching the edges of the stool so tightly that her nails sunk into the wood. clearing her throat, she whispered to the hat in a voice so imperious it could order kings to bow, “i will accept nothing less than gryffindor. that is where you will place me.”

the hat considered, lily’s heart pounding so fast it threatened to burst from her chest. “ordering around an all-knowing hat is definitely bold of you, if not incredibly foolish. have it your way then – it’ll have to be gryffindor!”

[ on pottermore, lily has been sorted into slytherin and gryffindor about an equal amount of times. at first glance, lily comes off as the quintessential gryffindor. however, much like her father, lily is someone who could have gone a different path into the snake pit, but ultimately, that was not what she wanted for herself. she exhibits the slytherin qualities of determination, resourcefulness, guile, and ambition, but she doesn’t value them nearly as much as she lauds her bravery, chivalry, and righteousness. and in fact, she scorns slytherin’s tendency towards self preservation. furthermore, lily’s black-and-white views of morality is just so very gryffindor at its heart – her quench for retribution is downright bloodthirsty and ruthless, but in her mind, it’s justice. she is perhaps the darkest and most dangerous sort of gryffindor – the way she sees the world is so skewed, but she views herself as right. whether she is a hero, villain, or something in between is up for debate; wickedness isn’t inherently a slytherin trait, just as goodness isn’t inherently a gryffindor trait. but she’s a gryffindor through and through.

i do think that she possesses many of the traits that salazar slytherin admires in a person though, as much as she tries to deny it. lily doesn’t hate all slytherins, but she remains prejudiced towards the house as a whole. it’s hypocritical and paranoid, really. for a girl so against bigotry, she treats a great deal of slytherins with disdain, perhaps loathing many of them more than they loathe her. the worst part is, she does see parts of herself in every slytherin, and it disgusts her. ]

religion

agnostic christian

religion was never an integral part of the potter household. her memories of attending sunday morning church are few and far between, but lily still identifies as christian, celebrating christmas and easter at the burrow every year. and there is no time better than christmas time in lily’s book. she loves sitting by the crackling fire with a cup of hot cocoa—topped with whipped cream and tiny marshmallows of course. she loves the smell of the fresh pine trees. she loves decorating the house with ornaments and lights and garlands. and if she’s in a particularly good mood, she’ll even attempt to help with the cooking and the baking. (but in all honesty, if she can make it five minutes without destroying the kitchen, that’s a christmas miracle in itself.)

nationality

english

student functions

dueling club captain, gryffindor chaser, s.p.e.w. club member, debate club member

dueling club captain

it might come as a shock that the daughter of two renowned quidditch players would rather be president of the dueling club than the gryffindor quidditch team, but lily’s never had her sights set on pursuing quidditch as a profession. she’s always dreamed of following in her father’s footsteps and joining the auror ranks, so dueling club was the natural first step to honing her combat skills. she’s been a member since the start of her hogwarts career, but it was only this year that she was finally granted that elusive captaincy.

with the sheer strength behind her spellwork and her stellar instincts in a scrimmage, she’s considered to be a dueling prodigy of sorts and has amassed a number of trophies over the years. her marks in defense against the dark arts and charms are unparalleled among her peers because she works so immensely hard to eclipse everyone else – she hopes that some glowing recommendations will prove to them (and herself) that she has earned her spot with the aurors. it won’t be handed to her because of her family name and influence but through painstakingly hard work.

but dueling club isn’t simply a means to an end to lily. there is nothing she covets more than the glorious burn in her muscles in a seething fight – the adrenaline rush when she’s high on a win. she relishes in the pain because it’s a reminder that she’s still alive, that the ice hasn’t completely turned her numb. lily always needs to be moving or else she’ll remember everything she’s trying so hard to forget.

the staff must think of her father and dumbledore’s army when they survey her demonstrations, but little do they know she and the rest of the club have tampered with the dark arts. “is it better to outmonster the monster or to be quietly devoured?” lily doesn’t know the answer, but she thinks of her father’s cold, cold body and the spell that stole his life. she’ll only call upon such terrible magic in the direst of circumstances, but it’s best that she’s aware of exactly what she’s fighting against as far as she’s concerned.

gryffindor chaser

quidditch might be less of a priority to lily than dueling club, but she still cherishes the sport more than she could ever express aloud. she loves the smooth handle of her prized broom, given to her by her dad on her eleventh birthday, engraved with her initials. she relishes in the freedom of the rushing wind against her skin, how alive she feels when she flies. (it’s hard to feel alive these days.) quidditch is her chance to escape herself, to be unfettered from all the thoughts swirling around in her head.

when she learned how to play, she took to the quaffle, not the snitch. lily can never see herself choosing to wait when she can still move – racing around the pitch and scoring goal after goal is better than squinting in the wind, praying for something to happen. there’s nothing like the excitement of the match to get her blood rushing. she knows that when they cheer for her, it’s not because of who she is but because of the points she just scored. there’s no better feeling than that.

she’s thought about quitting – who could think of quidditch in a time like this? but it was her father who taught her how to soar through the sky, and now that he’s gone, she can’t bear to sever that connection to him. so for once, she’ll let herself be selfish.

physical appearance

hair

red. the same red as her mother’s hair, although ginny’s has slightly faded overtime with age. lily’s has natural loose waves, but she has been known to straighten or curl it from time to time. it depends on her whims that day, really. save for one disastrous haircut when she was nine though, her hair has never been short. it’s almost impossible to style short hair after all, and lily adores playing around with different styles. her hair is most often–and unsurprisingly–the first thing people notice about her. it’s hard to miss hair that red in a crowd.

eyes

brown and almond-shaped like her mother. lily breathes passion and emotion, so it’s no surprise that despite her best efforts to conceal her emotions, her eyes are often the window to her soul; they’re so very expressive. lily will make deliberate eye contact almost always–even when lying–except in moments where she’s feeling particularly vulnerable. that is when she will look away. but the expression she makes most often? eye rolls. she’s perfected them over the years.

height

5’0. she’s fairly sure she’s already done growing; she’s about as tall as her mum who stopped growing around sixteen. lily isn’t insecure about her height, but she loathes being underestimated for it. she refuses to allow herself to be disregarded and thought of as a little girl merely because she’s small–as her uncle says, “size is no guarantee of power,” and lily is the utter proof of that.

weight

98 lbs

body type

short and petite

voice

energetic and loud—if one wishes to be heard in the weasley family, loudness is a necessity. and if she’s particularly upset, it’s not uncommon for lily’s voice to turn shrill, high pitched, and piercing. lily also tends to speak in exaggerated tones with a great deal of emphasis placed on her words, and she’s no stranger to swears either, often struggling to tone it down among her superiors. lily’s been told she’s mouthy, and it’s true; she talks a far deal, so much so that it’s hard to get a word in with her around.

gait

lily tends to move swiftly from one place to another, never one to waste time to stop and smell the roses; she has things to do, for merlin’s sake. luckily, she was blessed with grace and coordination unlike some people (hem, hem, teddy), and her posture is decent by all accounts except her aunt fleur’s.

piercings

ears, once on each side.

markings/scars

various scrapes and scars. some of them are from the childhood adventures she used to drag her cousins into; one particular time she attempted to climb the tall oak tree in the burrow’s backyard, which resulted in a concussion, a broken leg, and a large scar on her arm that she covers via magic and makeup. but the vast majority are the product of raging fights and heart-palpitating duels – they are her shining battle scars. she keeps them carefully glamoured to prevent the mirage of her delicacy from shattering, but the truth is, she’s proud of them. they are a symbol of every war she’s won. everything she’s overcome.

personal style

[ tw: sexualization of a minor ]

feminine. lily has always been very comfortable in her femininity, her aunt fleur teaching her from a young age that it’s possible to be both effeminate and strong. she is a strong believer that females should be allowed to dress as they please and not be discriminated against for it, and she loathes it when people write her off as a weak little princess for her fashion choices. lily most often wears blood red lipstick and nail polish–her battle armor in the fight against feminism. most people are surprised to see that a little girl with such “girly” taste has such a mouth on her, but lily potter is no princess in distress. lily potter is the dragon standing guard.

and growing up in the weasley-potter household, she was no stranger to muggle culture, so thus her clothing choices are much more similar to that of a teenage muggle girl than a budding witch. she loves dresses and skirts and blouses and crop tops, and don’t even get her started on stilettos. she has one particular leather jacket though, given to her by her brother victoire, that she actually doesn’t mind wearing—as long as she has her stockings and leather miniskirt on. she’s almost never seen without makeup on–blush, lipstick, and mascara at the very least–and she keeps her nails sharp and painted. lily has actually assisted her uncle with the wonderwitch line at weasley’s wizard wheezes before; she helped george develop a line of long-staying lipstick and nail polish. 

her wardrobe choices are considered promiscuous by the media. her skirts are too short. too much of her cleavage shows in her tops. she exposes her midriff more than she should. but lily doesn’t dress the way that she does to attract people–she dresses the way that she does because she likes it. she won’t stand for accusations of “distracting the males around her.” it isn’t her job to dress more modestly to aid their self control. if a boy touches her without her permission or uses misogynistic slurs towards her, she will destroy them without a single thought.

the media made the mistake of sexualizing her from a young age, calling her all sorts of names like whore and slag. her clothes are a “fuck you” to rita skeeter and the journalists at witch weekly. you want to see a girl gone wild? then that’s what you’ll get, darling. (the anger seethes in her body so long that it rots her bones – one day she’ll come for them all.)

headcanons

fears

losing more family, not living up to expectations, disappointing her family and not living up to the family name, never finding love, opening up to be rejected or betrayed, the thought of being afraid itself, being powerless or limited, not being in control of herself, being perceived as weak, not being able to save the people she cares about, falling in love with the wrong person, the possibility that she’s just as terrible as the people she loathes, not making it as an auror

her fears are most often abstract rather than physical, tangible things. in fact, lily’s boggart manifests into her body on the floor, trapped in a full body bind while helplessly watching a faceless person murder the people she cares about, one by one. the deadliest foes will not make her blink but the very thought of being powerless when she needs her the strength the most? it can be crippling. when she was first faced with her boggart in her third year whilst in dada class, lily froze for several seconds, absolutely paralyzed by the image, a fact she still denies to this day. she is a potter. she is the strong one. she isn’t supposed to know fear. (oh but she does.)

goals

[ tw: parental death ]

ending the war, becoming an auror, living up to her name, freeing herself from her family’s shadow, making the world a better place, finding a way to impose justice on those who’ve wronged her

lily longs to make her family proud of her, but even more so, she wishes to escape their shadow, to be seen as a separate entity. she wants to earn her accomplishments, not be handed them on a silver platter. she wants to make a change, a true difference. it’s idealistic of her, but that’s what she wants. if lily glimpsed into the mirror of erised before her father’s death, she would have seen herself finally free from her father’s shadow, being given the order of merlin first class, her proud family in the background. but now? if she were to look, all she would see is her father, standing right by her side.

amortentia

firewhiskey, petrichor, firewood, hot chocolate, broom polish, old books, roses, treacle tart, strawberries and whipped cream, french vanilla, the sea, chocolate chip cookies baking in the oven, cinnamon, cherries, cloves

patronus

phoenix.

“the phoenix is a difficult patronus to come by, and if you do happen to have it, it signifies a very strong heart. these people have been through a lot in their life, and have risen from the ashes of it and become driven, daring, and a bit stubborn. they will not let anything bring them down, because they’ve been there before and never want to go back to that place. they have fire-like emotions, and can therefore be a bit tense at times. they are natural therapists, wanting to help others get out of tough places to allow them to rise as well. the most common house for a phoenix patronus is gryffindor. the most common signs are leo and taurus.” [ x ]

everything in that description is so lily to me, but because i like to be thorough, i’m going to delve in a little deeper.

the phoenix is a bird with red and gold plumage–the colors of gryffindor. and although lily does have traits from the other houses as well, she is essentially the textbook gryffindor. their scarlet body feathers glow in the darkness, and their gold tail feathers are scorching to the touch, a perfect metaphor for the flames within her.

phoenixes are said to be capable of carrying tremendously large loads, and this also screams lily to me because this is the girl who’s trying to carry the world on her shoulders. she may be failing, but merlin is she trying. and the truth is, lily can withstand a great deal before hitting her limit, her breaking point. just like a phoenix.

phoenixes are symbols of rebirth and healing; they may go up in flames every now and again, but every time, they come back from it. they come back from it just as strong as they were before. this is lily. she is the girl with the elastic heart, the girl who’s overcome so much in her small time on earth thus far. and she will do whatever it takes to heal her loved ones until her last dying breath.

the phoenix song evokes bravery in the hearts of the righteous and strikes terror into the hearts of the wicked – lily is a person who has the capacity to save the planet from the brink of devastation or set it on flames herself. but one thing is for certain: she will change the world.

lastly, the phoenix is of course the symbol of the order of the phoenix. her loyalty to the order’s values and her family is unwavering, and to me, it makes sense that her patronus would also reflect that.

wand

[ tw: parental death ]

12 inches, cypress, dragon heartstring, hard

“cypress - cypress wands are associated with nobility. the great medieval wandmaker, geraint ollivander, wrote that he was always honoured to match a cypress wand, for he knew he was meeting a witch or wizard who would die a heroic death. fortunately, in these less blood-thirsty times, the possessors of cypress wands are rarely called upon to lay down their lives, though doubtless many of them would do so if required. wands of cypress find their soul mates among the brave, the bold and the self-sacrificing: those who are unafraid to confront the shadows in their own and others’ natures.

dragon heartstring - symbolizes power and wisdom. those who are strong, wise, compassionate, dedicated, relentless, resilient, bold, strong-minded, head-strong, powerful, ambitious, highly determined and driven (to obsessive), have strong desire and/or stubborn would have this wand core. having such a wand core suggests that you can be bossy at times, but also have a fiery disposition and have firm convictions, which will lead you down the road to leadership, as well as being devoted and selfless. this is the best core to have for hexes, the dark arts and all manner of elemental magic. it is a core predominantly found among those of house slytherin, but can also bond well with those of house ravenclaw and house gryffindor. as a rule, dragon heartstring cores produce wands with the most power, and which are capable of the most flamboyant spells. wands with dragon heartstring cores tend to learn more quickly than other types. in elemental magic, dragon heartstring cores are the most flexible of all the common cores, being that they work well with all manner of elemental spells, but no doubt that fire spells are among the most potent with this core type. while they can change allegiance if won from their original master, they always bond strongly with the current owner. such wands also tend to be easiest to turn to the dark arts, though they will not incline that way of their own accord. such wands are also the most prone to the ‘three cores to accidents’, being somewhat temperamental. dragon heartstring cores are a powerful wand core with a lot of magical “heft”. they are not the wand core you want for subtlety, but for sheer power, they are definitely the best. although they are the most common core among dark wizards and dark witches, they are most certainly not their most common users. dragon heartstring cores are by far the most common wand core amongst slytherins, but their power often bonds well to gryffindors and ravenclaws as well. however, they tend to overwhelm the archetypal hufflepuff personality.

hard - a wand of this flexibility is very difficult to work with and its loyalty is not won easily. hard wands are great for complex and advanced levels of magic, so beginning wizards and witches may find extra difficulty with this wand when it doesn’t perform well for simple magic. as such, this type of wand is best suited for wizards and witches who are gifted, stubborn, and never give up. owners of this wand also have a tendency to view things in absolutes; black or white. some people may find them intimidating or difficult to approach.” [ x ]

in classical antiquity, the cypress tree was a symbol of mourning, death, and the underworld, and it remains the most common cemetery tree in europe. her wand wood is not only a metaphor for lily’s name and all that her family has lost but also a poignant symbol of her underlying trauma – the early death of her childhood. the most well-known myth about the cypress tree is the tale of cyparissus and his beloved stag companion, who he accidentally murdered with his hunting javelin. his sorrow was so consuming that he begged to weep forever, transforming into a cypress tee, with the tree’s sap as his tears. as the stag is of course harry’s patronus, it all relates back to her father and her grief over him.

bad habits

becoming so intensely focused that she forgets to eat, over-straining or over-extenuating herself, being quick to anger, drinking too much, reality television, swearing, using romantic relationships and hook-ups as a means to feel better about herself, staying up too late, having too many cups of coffee per day, lying to others (and herself), seeing things too black-and-white, being too loud, over-involving herself into others’ affairs, letting her emotions completely consume her, placing blame where it does not belong (on both herself and others), deflecting with sarcasm

likes

peonies and roses (her favorite flowers, not lilies), pop music (she likes upbeat songs she can dance to -- her favorite artists are lorde, beyonce, rihanna, sia, and marina and the diamonds and she almost exclusively listens to female artists), quidditch (she plays chaser like her mum), reality television (a guilty pleasure), the sea (when she’s around water, she feels at peace for once for it soothes the flames burning within her), coffee, hot chocolate (it reminds her of christmas, her favorite time of the year), the color red, muggle literature, family, romance movies (another guilty pleasure though she’ll never admit it), french food, dueling, honeydukes chocolate, treacle tart (it’s her favorite, much like her father), alcohol, fashion, puppies (she will not tolerate cats), warm weather, fire, dueling, nail polish (she has a plethora of colors), stilettos, and surprisingly a great deal of “nerdy” things (such as star wars, lord of the rings, and comic books) but if you try to call her a nerd she’s likely to punch you

quirks

lily cannot cook at all and has set her kitchen on fire multiple occasions.

she loves to sing but is so horrifically tone deaf that she truly shouldn’t. (her favorite genre is pop.)

her art consists of poorly colored stick figures, honestly resembling that of a child’s.

for someone so fiery, she is very averse to the winter. three minutes in the cold and she’ll be absolutely freezing—goosebumps and all.

she much prefers muggle clothes to robes.

secrets

[ tw: emotional abuse, binge drinking/developing alcoholism, ptsd ]

lily has always been brazen and intrepid and fierce, but as a child, she was just a bit softer, before the world hardened her. unfortunately, growing up under the microscope of the media, she was still left vulnerable to vitriol and sexualization, and it forced her to grow up too fast, despite her family’s best efforts to shield their little girl. this is when her insecurities truly started to grapple her, but she responded by putting on an unbreakable facade and feigning confidence. when she was in her third year, she dated someone for the first time, a fifth year named adonis. he was utterly beguiling, like a python before it swallows you whole. at first, there was the honeymoon period where she felt as though she were on top of the world – a beautiful older boy was interested in her. but it was all a cruel game to him, and over time, he pinpointed her insecurities and used them to influence and control her in a manner that was so sly it took her ages to realize it. this was all while convincing her to keep their relationship a secret, so her family would be none the wiser, which isolated her from those who truly cared about her. after about five or six months, she finally recognized something was very wrong and broke free from him, but the emotional abuse and gaslighting left its toll on her as she came to terms with it. never in her life had she felt so stupid, so foolish, and she vowed to never lose control again. this heavily contributed to her fear of falling in love. nowadays, she never lasts in a romantic relationship long, flitting from person to person. she hasn’t ever talked about what happened, but in his seventh year (her fifth), she discovered that he was isolating and manipulating another girl, and she clandestinely struck with a curse that left him permanently blind. never again would he be able to touch her – or anyone else. she can only hope the taste of her was worth it.

after she broke up with him, she also started drinking at parties to endure the fame and trauma, savoring how the firewhiskey numbed her and allowed her an temporary escape from herself. it started out innocuous, but over the years, she’s fallen deeper into alcoholism as it’s very much a coping mechanism for her. while she doesn’t truly hide her drinking, she shuts down anyone who tries to tell her she has a problem. 

she’s still a virgin. she’s fooled around before, but every time she comes close to letting someone truly see her, she thinks about how she almost slept with someone she shouldn’t have. she’s never properly dealt with the trauma from her first relationship, but as far she’s concerned, she’s perfectly fine.

her confidence is merely a mask for her insecurities about not being good enough. fake it until you make it, muggles say, and lily cannot disagree.

she pretends as if she isn’t afraid of anything—as if nothing fazes her—when in reality, she knows fear just as much as everyone else. she simply won’t admit it.

jung type

enfj. (extroversion over introversion; intuition over sense; feelings over thoughts; judging over perceiving)

“enfjs are the benevolent ‘pedagogues’ of humanity. they have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. many enfjs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. but it’s usually not meant as manipulation — enfjs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

enfjs are global learners. they see the big picture. the enfjs focus is expansive. some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously.many enfjs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

enfjs are, by definition, js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. but they don’t resemble the sjs or even the ntjs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. enfjs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their nfp counterparts.

enfjs know and appreciate people. like most nfs, (and feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. they have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. enfjs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.” [ x ]

moral alignment

chaotic good.

“chaotic stands overall for freedom and adaptability, and especially chaotic good embodies that. characters of this alignment disdain bureaucratic organisations that get in the way of social improvement and place high value on personal freedom - but not just their own, but the personal freedom of others as well. since they are on the good axis, they are altruistic and intend to do what is right, regardless of what society may think of it, or whether they go against the law while doing it. think of a vigilante that’s a champion of the people, but frequently breaks the law helping people. they’re not much for planning and extensive organisation versus improvisation, and may create conflict in a team if they feel being pushed around (by, for instance, a lawful character). chaotic good characters might best work independently for that reason, or at least with someone who will respect their personal boundaries.

traits: rebellious, free-spirited, listens to their conscience, follows own moral compass, independent, kind, benevolent, believes in goodness, cares little for laws and regulations, good-natured, unpredictable, value freedom, believe people should follow their own desires, responsible, doubt their government, reckless

positives: combines a good heart with a free spirit, encourages selflessness, encourages freedom and equality, doing good is not seen as a duty, doing good is their responsibility, punishes evil and protects the innocent, keep their word, helps those in need, never kills for pleasure

negatives: disrupts the order of society, punishes those who do well for themselves, often resent authority, refuse to do good as a duty even if they end up doing it anyway on their own terms, promote society with little control from the government, occasionally breaks the law, may resort to torture when deemed necessary, may kill when deemed necessary” [ x ]

temperament

choleric.

“the choleric is an extroverted, hot-tempered, quick thinking, active, practical, strong-willed and easily annoyed person. cholerics are self-confident, self-sufficient and very independent minded. they are decisive and opinionated and find it easy to make decisions for themselves as well as others. cholerics tend to leave little room for negotiating. the choleric is a visionary and seems to never run out of ideas, plans and goals, which are usually very practical. the choleric does not require as much sleep as the other temperaments so their activity seems endless. their activity almost always has a purpose because they are by nature result-oriented. they usually do not give in to the pressure of what others think unless they see that they cannot get the desired results. cholerics can be crusaders against social injustice as they love to fight for a cause. cholerics are both direct and firm when responding to others. they are slow to build relationships because results tend to be more important than people. they do not easily empathize with the feelings of others or show compassion. cholerics think big and seek positions of authority.” [ x ]

enneagram

type eight (with a type seven wing).

“the powerful, dominating type:

self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational

generally, eights are strong, assertive, resourceful, independent, determined, action-oriented, pragmatic, competitive, straight-talking, shrewd, and insistent.

eights get into conflicts by being blunt, willful, domineering, forceful, defiant, confrontational, bad-tempered, rageful, cynical, and vengeful.

at their best, eights are honorable, heroic, empowering, generous, gentle, constructive, initiating, decisive, and inspiring.

enneagram type 8 with the 7 wing desire to appear commanding and see themselves as outspoken, innovative, intense, daring, striking, attractive and tenderhearted.

basic fear: of being harmed or controlled by others.

basic desire: to protect themselves, to be in control of their own life and destiny.

basic motivations: want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation.

stress point: type five - withdraws, avoids people, observes and thinks, consolidates plans.

security point: type two - protector of the weak, generous, helpful, charming.” [ x ]

soul type

the warrior.

the source i used for this one was another long page [ x ], so i’m just going to copy and paste the quotes that seemed particularly lily-ish.

“warriors are forceful souls; they embody qualities of strength, courage and determination. like kings, warriors are action-oriented beings, and therefore down-to-earth, single-minded and very willful. unlike kings, however, they tend to be more attracted to the cut and thrust of battle (whether real or metaphorical), preferring to just get stuck in rather than to stand back pulling all the strings.”

“warrior souls tend to see life in terms of confrontations and rising to the challenge. there are causes to serve, struggles to be overcome, battles to be won. they like to be on the front line with their trusted comrades, and strongly value both courage and loyalty. the basic drive of any warrior is to uphold something “right” and defeat something “wrong”, however those two are defined.”

“in the positive pole, persuasion, a warrior is forceful and effective without being overbearing. in other words, respectfully persuasive, courageous and protective. in the negative pole, coercion, the warrior descends into intimidation.”

zodiac

her sun sign is leo.

“the lion.

fixed, fire, yang - planetary ruler: the sun. keywords: i will

leo is the fifth sign of the zodiac and rules the back, the spine, and the heart. positive traits include creativity, charisma, generosity, warmth, enthusiasm, a natural talent for leadership, and a great deal of inner power; negative traits are haughtiness, snobbery, an expectation that one is the centre of attention and should be waited on by everyone else, profligacy, lack of realism, dominance that can lead to bullying, and a refusal to change one’s mind even in the face of solid facts.

this is a natural sign for gryffindors, not least because the griffin is part lion. gryffindors born under this sign are outgoing, friendly, affectionate, and likeable. they make friends easily and are crushed when their advances are rejected. their romantic, chivalrous nature makes them perfect examples of all that is best in their house. however, they are also bossy, domineering, spendthrift, and overly dramatic (ever heard the phrase ‘drama queen?’) they have sharp tempers and need to learn to direct their anger toward only needful causes. the natural creativity and flamboyance of leo makes gryffindors born under this sign good at most everything they attempt, provided they apply themselves to learning magic rather than using magic to hog the limelight.” [ x ]

her moon sign is scorpio, a fixed water sign. the moon sign explanation i’m using [ x ] is particularly long, so i’m not going to copy and paste the whole thing, but here are some things on there that i feel really apply to lily.

“because the depth of your emotions – their strength and potential power – can be so intense, they can at times be overwhelming. early on in life, you may find yourself swinging between extremes of emotional peaks and troughs, feeling intensely and acutely every dimension of life. you are reminded not to collapse yourself into your emotions, or believe just because an emotion has intensity it must be acted upon. part of your nature requires you to allow strong feelings to unfold without being overcome by them.”

“you feel intensely, for better or for worse. this can at times make you seem vulnerable, but in truth you are likely to have much strength. your emotional nature combines sensitivity with the instinctual awareness that real growth only happens through episodes of pain and transformation.”

“there may be a tendency to try and protect this vulnerability, hiding the true depths of what you really feel. this tendency to suppress your emotions can go both ways. on the one hand, you may try to detach from uncomfortable emotions, and avoid circumstances that will really get you to feel. you may protect yourself from close encounters with others, and find emotional release through fictional or fantasy-based sources. or, you may attempt to control and dominate others with moodiness, lashing out at them before they can ‘get to you’. defense is used as a form of offense to prevent others discovering how sensitive and vulnerable you really feel.”

“at its highest level, the moon in scorpio gives you the ability to transform your own and others lives. you can act as an agent for change to become a catalyst for greater growth and awareness. you can help others shift their psychological values. the potential power contained here is enormous. you have the opportunity to be a force for change.”

lastly her ascendant sign is aries, with mars also in aries. again, the page i’m using [ x ] is long, so i’m just going to copy and paste some things that stand out to me.

“people with aries ascendants are direct and quick. their first instinct is to do, rather than think.”

“some aries rising people are competitive, but they generally put most of the pressure on themselves. these people love to come out ahead in all that they do. they get ready quickly, walk quickly, and have little patience for dilly-dallying. their temper is quick, too.”

“your ruling planet, mars, is also in aries: you are a fireball of vitality and a true warrior. become a master of yourself and conquer your own arrogance, impatience, and anger before you go out to conquer the world or burn yourself out.”  

tropes

action girl, chronic hero syndrome, determinator, good is not soft, tsundere, lady of adventure, red is heroic, fool for love, the idealist, rebellious spirit, lethal chef, go-getter girl, fiery redhead

character parallels

blossom (powerpuff girls), barbara gordon (batman comics), rose hathaway (vampire academy), buffy summers (buffy: the vampire slayer), anastasia (anastasia 1997), leia organa (star wars), mary jane watson (spiderman), nina zenik (six of crows), kim possible (kim possible), kayley (quest for camelot), sabrina spellman (chilling adventures of sabrina), arya stark (a song of ice and fire), rey (star wars)

element

fire

lily is the living embodiment of fire – most of the time, she is a seething forest fire, and all she knows is destruction. but some days, she’s reduced down to a mere spark, a flicker. no matter what though, she’s always burning.

deadly sin

wrath

she is choleric and vindictive and ferocious and wicked. she knows this, and deep down, she’s utterly terrified that she might truly be a horrible person. she wasn’t always this bitter, this cruel, but she is never going to be the girl she once was. she isn’t ever coming back.

heavenly virtue

charity

lily isn’t infallible – she’s a teenage girl after all – but she’s surprisingly selfless when it comes to the people she cares about. she’d do just about anything for them. hell, she’d sacrifice herself for any of them without hesitation if it ever came down to it. her wand wood is cypress for a reason.

history

birthplace

st. mungo’s hospital

residence

godric’s hallow

socioeconomic status

upper class, wealthy

pets

a little cairn terrier named toto

lily is such a dog person – once during her first year she and hagrid tried to sneak in another three-headed puppy into hogwarts; he was a vicious little thing named buddy (because these two consider any dog their buddy, even if it could bite their head off). but minerva mcgonagall caught her in the nick of time and the poor headmistress chewed them out so loudly that the hogsmeade villagers most likely heard. and buddy was given back to his original owner. but now lily owns a little cairn terrier who means the world to her – the only boy she’s ever loved, or so she claims. his name is toto because he looks suspiciously like toto from wizard of oz, a favorite childhood movie of hers, and he was given to lily last year by her close friend, clarabel, who’s particularly talented at conjuring animals. curiously, his personality and disposition almost mirrors clarabel’s, most likely because she was the one who brought him to life. as toto isn’t technically “real” (please don’t say this to her), he does not age and could disappear at any given moment, which was the only reason why she was allowed to bring him to hogwarts. granted, it took several impassioned speeches to mcgonagall that went something along the lines of “albus is allowed to bring a ferret, but i can’t bring a dog? ferrets carry diseases, headmistress!” it’s almost remarkable how a girl this hardened can be so soft in the presence of dogs.

father

[ tw: parental death ]

lily adored her father to the point of idolization. from a young age, lily became convinced that he could do no wrong, that he was impervious to evil and completely invincible. he was the savior of the wizarding world. the world’s hero. her hero. she would have followed him to the end of the world. it is because of him that she has always dreamed of becoming an auror. she wanted to make him proud, and moreover, she wants to do some good in the world herself. however, her idolization of her father certainly has its negative effects; she puts him on so high of a pedestal that she can’t admit his faults, especially now. not to mention, she’s so concerned about not living up to the expectations of the potter name and is convinced she will never be able to. she will never live up to her dad. and she will spend the rest of her life not knowing how proud of her he really was.

mother

her relationship with her mother is much healthier than her relationship with her father. although she’s always been a bit closer to harry, ginny and lily are still close to each other, and ginny is most protective over her youngest daughter because she always longed for a girl. while harry taught her how to fly, it was ginny who taught her how to play quidditch. lily inherited her natural chaser skills (among other things). lily would confide in her mother almost anything. yes, they do argue because their personalities are both so strong, but there is complete trust and respect between the two of them.

siblings

in the potter-weasley clan, family is valued over anything, and her older siblings are no exception. although they are older in age, lily is viciously protective over them. she watches out for them because she needs them—she needs albus and james. she has no clue what she’d do without her brothers around, but she never wants to find out. lily would lay down her lives for them in a heartbeat, no hesitation at all, no questions asked. because if it’s between them or her, she’d choose herself every time. they have their rows–all siblings do–but at the end of the day, she’s with them until the end of the line.

early history

i. rooting

your relatives always tell the same little anecdotes about your birth. after all those times you hear them over family dinner, birthday parties, the frequent family outings ― any time and place your parents could embarrass you, honestly ― you memorize them.

mum will always go on and on about the pain, how it felt like “a bloody watermelon was coming out of my birth canal,” and dad will always reminisce about how she cursed like a sailor at him every five minutes for “putting this goddamn demon baby in my tiny stomach” and how she threatened to strangle him later. uncle ron will always talk about how he almost fainted when you came out of mum because holy crap the blood. and of course, grandma will always reprimand them for exaggerating and reassure everyone that mum never once called you a demon.

but here’s the part that always sticks to you the most: you were the hardest, most painful birth out of the three. when your mother finally did manage to push you out, you kicked and screamed and cried, and she looked at you and faintly murmured, still weak from the pain, “that’s it. i’m done.”

and you are their final child.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

the youngest and smallest daughter of a prodigious family, you grow up showered with unadulterated affection and care ― you are so loved that you could drown in its depths. there is never a single moment you doubt just how much they cherish you. it’s in every bear hug, every kiss to your forehead, every pinched cheek. they love you more than the world itself, giving you everything that they have, teaching you all that they know.

grandpa instills in you a curiosity and compassion for the mortal world, like the foolhardy little mermaid’s fascination with the shore up above. “just because they don’t share the same powers we do doesn’t mean they’re magicless,” he insists. “everyone has magic flowing inside of their veins. there are people out there who somehow manage to remember every tune on the radio, children who always know how to make their big siblings laugh, grandmas who always brew a perfect cup of tea. you don’t think there’s something magic to that? all you have to do is look, lils. you’ll see it.”

grandma tries to teach you how to cook, but you’re so quickly infuriated in the kitchen that your magic bubbles to a boil as steaming as dragon fire. before you can stop it, it bursts through the seams of your body and sets the food alight. every damn time. after aquamenti’s spluttered out for the fifteenth time amongst the thick and engulfing smoke, molly just heaves a sigh and shakes her head. “well, we’ll try again when you’re older, darling.” (why is it so much easier for you to destroy than create? sometimes you feel as though you are ruination entrapped in a tiny slip of a girl as it pounds and hollers to be set free. nurture is the gene that you failed to inherit, and it haunts you.)

but mum shows you how to wield those flames inside of you, to take the destruction and demolition thumping in your chest and weaponize it. “your family will always be here to fight for you, but it’s still important that you learn how to fend for yourself.” you learn how to fight tooth and nail. the muggle way, without the divinity of a wand. you’re the spitting image of your mother, small as they come, but size is no guarantee of power. you know that well. when you play make believe, you never demand to be the princess but the knight in shining armor, sword and shield in hand.

from your uncle ron, you learn to have courage in the presence of fear, and from aunt hermione, social justice and protest. uncle bill and aunt fleur teach you that inner beauty is as valuable, if not more, than outer beauty. uncle charlie shows you that there was no harm in a little (or a lot of) danger. uncle george and fred illustrate the indispensable power of laughter and tomfoolery ― what good’s existence if you don’t know how to live? uncle percy’s lesson is perhaps the most important, a lesson he almost understood too late: never to abandon your family. “always remember this, lily, we all love you so much no matter what.” percy stresses.

they love you.

and your dad ― he teaches you how to love them back.

ii. rising

then you’re a little ten-year-old upset that your brothers, your godbrother, and your cousins have left you. in the dust. for a castle ― a magical castle where there are ghosts and trolls and a talking hat. a talking sorting hat who somehow shoulders the responsibility of deciding your entire fucking future. (gryffindor? oh merlin, please, gryffindor.)

and most of them can’t even be bothered to pick up the quill and properly write.

but you don’t cry over these things, see? you never cry. (everyone says you’re like your mum. she never cries. dad secretly likes that about mum. dad isn’t much for tears.)

dad doesn’t mind if you cry, he says, but you don’t want to bother him. he’s a weary war hero, even if he pretends to not be for you. he’s had enough. he’s seen enough. he’s felt enough pain for a lifetime. and all is finally well for him, apparently.

you don’t want him to have to deal with your problems.

last time you ever allowed yourself to cry ― you were around five or six? there was a thunderstorm. it was the first one you remembered in your life. (yeah. you fucking cried over a thunderstorm.) no one seemed to be able to calm you down, no one but james. james came over, wet and unruly hair sticking up on all ends, and said “it’s going to be okay, lils, i’m here. no one’s going to hurt you.”

no one will hurt you while your family’s here. so what use is getting upset over anything? they will always be there. to protect you.

and anyways. you’re lily fucking potter.

you’re the chosen one’s daughter.

what the hell do you need tears for? tears are for the weak.

you should be able to bloody take care of yourself.

you should be able to bloody protect them.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

growing up in such a large family, you have become accustom to chaos and pandemonium and a cacophony of hollering voices. but with so many of them gone away, it’s so disturbingly quiet when you come around the burrow.

your uncle ron takes it upon himself to teach you wizard chess.

of course, you lose at first.

but you’re not one for giving up.

also there’s something satisfying about controlling your pieces and planning your moves ― having power over something feels good.

there’s also something very desensitizing about winning a match and seeing your opponent’s piece violently ― barbarically as your aunt hermione says ― shatter to crumbs.

but maybe that’s a little twisted. getting satisfaction off of that.

aunt hermione seems to be concerned about it.

the point is though ― you get good.

you’re bold and reckless and instinctual in your moves, yes. but you get very good.

iii. blooming

[ tw: emotional abuse and alcoholism ]

you’re finally at hogwarts.

and you’re a gryffindor. thank merlin. (the hat said almost slytherin. but definitely gryffindor. you begged and told it “not slytherin.” and so it put you into gryffindor almost immediately after.

as far you’re concerned, that hat was probably rather tipsy that night. if it can talk and sing songs and make decisions, it can get drunk, okay?

and the words that it said while it was intoxicated? can’t be held accounted for.

so thus: you’re a gryffindor. through and through.

no one else needs to know anything different.)

you owl your entire family about it. they’re all proud. most of them say you could have been in any house and it would have been absolutely fine. but they’re all quite proud.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

in third year, you date a boy for the first time.

he sends you love letters. meets with you outside of school. tells you not to tell anyone about him. that sends off warning signs immediately. why can’t your family know? what the fuck is going on?

“let’s keep it a secret, just for now. i don’t want anyone to screw us up, lil. i don’t think they’d like me.”

“why wouldn’t my family like you? i like you. i’d make them like you.”

“please, lil, we can tell them eventually. i’m just scared to right now. you’re the first person i’ve ever had feelings for.”

you’ve always had a very low trust for people, there’s something you love about being called lil though. so you’re wary. but you decide to listen. this time.

but this time turns into just one more time. and it cycles. you excuse things you shouldn’t, all in the name of love. he isolates you, and he knows just how to push your buttons, to pinpoint your insecurities and lash out like a snake.

it takes you months, but you finally come to your senses and see it for what it is: plain and simple abuse. you untether yourself from him.

and then you try your best to forget about it.

maybe that’s part of the reason why you enjoy firewhiskey the first time you try it, just after you turn fourteen.

it burns like it should. it makes you numb. it’s a proper escape.

and it’s pretty damn clear: love gets in the way of things. love is pointless.

also, no one’s allowed to call you lil. ever again.

iv: wilting

[ tw: parental death ]

you’re sixteen. you just turned fucking sixteen.

and your dad’s dead.

your dad’s dead and you didn’t get to say goodbye and the last fucking thing you have of him? it’s his map.

you’d protect that map with your life. even if you’d rather have him.

✿ ❀ ✿ ❀ ✿

it’s all a blur for a while. the condolences, the flowers, the funeral, the memorial, the tears…it’s all just a blur.

you just…you don’t understand why he’s dead.

a war hero. the head of the auror department. the savior. the chosen one.

he was the best of the best.

and he’s dead.

what hope does anyone still have?

practically none.

but dad would want you to have hope.

so you do your best to have some.

your family is just so clearly a mess though. even if they’re all mostly trying to hide it.

you’re the only one in mcgonagall’s army who actually seems to give a damn about people and this hopeless fucking world that’s probably not even worth saving in the first place.

so it’s just all on you now.

because dad’s not here.

he was supposed to always be there.

but he’s not anymore.

but it’s all right. (it’s all right, it’s all right, it’s all right. you’re the hero of this story. don’t need to saved.)

you need to do something. you can’t just sit down and cry about it.

dad was always so selfless and concerned about the people he loved, but now that he’s not here? you don’t think that dad would really want you to just let his world go to hell.

when you were younger? you knew you wanted to be an auror. and he was proud of that. he helped train you. he was preparing you for this. maybe in some sick, twisted way…the universe meant for this to happen, for him to be taken away from you.

maybe he knew it too. and that’s why he tried so hard to prepare you.

the reasons don’t really matter, you don’t want to fucking talk to anyone about it. this is all just your job now.

that’s it.

iv: falling

you become harsh and hopeless, a storm that never seems to break. gone is the girl who was terrified of lightning and thunder – now you embody them, reveling in the demolition. you are untouchable, and you’re not sure if it’s a blessing or a curse.

if your father was still alive, you wonder if he would be proud.

but you know in your heart, he wouldn’t.

personality

strengths

caring, protective, loyal, intelligent, passionate, determined, brave, outgoing, selfless, witty, cunning, chivalrous, charismatic, adventurous, capable, ambitious, bold, independent, kind, generous, loving, well-intentioned, heroic, willful, free-spirited, warm, revolutionary, compassionate, decisive, hard-working, intuitive, pro-active, family-oriented

weaknesses

paranoid, envious, grudge-holder, blunt, outspoken, misconstrued perceptions, over-drinks, distrustful, stubborn, argumentative, hotheaded, feels the overwhelming need to save everyone and fix everything, too emotionally driven to the point of being illogical, impatient, reckless, lack of regard for her own life, sarcastic, insecure, unyielding, inability to admit she’s wrong, worrier, perfectionist, dishonest, controlling, competitive, unpredictable, erratic, tempestuous, difficulty resisting temptation, spiteful, fearless to the point of harming herself, self-righteous, judgmental, vengeful, violent, manipulative, hypocritical

personality overview

lily is known for her liveliness and her energy. the girl can’t stand being bored, and sitting around doing nothing frustrates her more than anything. most of the gryffindors view her as fun, but her idea of fun doesn’t align with everyone. she likes excitement and adventure. she’d take a swim in the lake when it’s freezing cold outside; she’d drink until she’s completely wasted; she’d set off fireworks in the great hall with her friends; she’d even explore the forbidden forest at night if she’s bored enough.

she’s also known for her quick wit and sense of humor, always ready with a comeback. her favorite teachers call her cheeky, while her least favorite call her a troublemaker. she’ll mouth off to anyone, consequences be damned, and it’s earned her a fair amount of detention sentences over the years. she just can’t help it but sass most of the time. it’s almost a defense mechanism, a way for lily to deflect.

lily knows how to lie, and admittedly, she’s very often dishonest. but she knows how to persuade. she speaks with conviction, her voice unwavering as she spins her webs, a stellar actress. she’s not pathological, but there’s a lot she likes to keep to herself. a lot of weakness and vulnerability that she doesn’t like to share with just anyone. at times, lily is so talented at lying that she is capable of deluding herself, burying some things that she doesn’t care to admit so far in the cobwebs of her mind that the denial becomes subconscious.

she has the heart of a lion. fierce, bold, and strong, lily’s the type of person you’d want beside you in a time of crisis. she’s a textbook gryffindor, ready for a fight and nearly impossible to scare. the girl could be considered too brave; her unwavering courageousness could easily get her killed someday. things that should terrify any sane person, such as bloodthirsty death eaters or hungarian horntails, never scare her. lily is recklessly dauntless, and she’s proud of it. there is nothing she values about herself more than her bravery. if you want lily to go berserk, all you have to do is call her a coward.

lily isn’t afraid to say what she thinks or stand up to people. she’s blunt and outspoken–sometimes harsh – always feeling the need to express her opinion. to make matters worse, she’s very argumentative and steadfast on her beliefs; she could debate for hours about something. in fact, lily actually enjoys arguing and debate, sometimes even picking fights with blood elitists and slytherins merely due to boredom, provoking them for no reason other than craving combat. incredibly hot-tempered, she’s usually fighting with someone about one thing or another and isn’t afraid to resort to violence if her point isn’t coming across.

there is a softer, kinder side to lily behind all her bravado though. she isn’t exactly nice, but she is caring and selfless. and she isn’t inherently cruel. she’d never hurt someone on purpose unless they didn’t absolutely deserve it in her opinion ( though she’s been wrong before on so many occasions ). she’s passionate, loyal, and protective about the things and people that she loves. she would sacrifice her life for someone she cares about in a heartbeat. she has a weakness for heroics, feeling a need to save people and fix everything, carrying the world on her shoulders. this is, of course, unreasonable, but she believes she has to be that way because of the family she comes from. from day one, she has had expectations placed on her because she’s a potter, and rather than fight them, she feels the need to live up to them. she feels as if the world is expecting her to be a hero because her family is so respected and moral. these expectations and complexes of hers are what drives lily.

she is a perfectionist. lily is constantly pushing herself past her limits and often tries to do far more than what she is capable of. lily refuses to stop and rest, and she’ll continue to refuse until the day she dies. she stays up too late to maintain her near-perfect grades. she practices for quidditch nearly every morning. she pours over her dada textbooks for hours on end so that she’ll win every duel in dueling club. lily is competitive and feels the need to be the best because her insecurities cause her to worry that she isn’t good enough, that she’ll never be good enough. it’s self-induced pressure–no one places unrealistic expectations on the girl but herself. in actuality, people may expect lily to be brave and heroic like her parents, but no one expects her to be the best at everything, and she puts most of the pressure on herself due to her own insecurities. it’s only lily who thinks she isn’t good enough, and one of her biggest flaws is her tendency to compare herself to other people rather than seeing herself as her own person. people who are better than her are often met with green, envy rattling in her core, as much as she tries to ignore it.

even though she appears completely fearless to most, lily is actually only almost devoid of fear, not that she would ever admit she was anything less than dauntless. she rarely ever speaks of emotions of fear in front of other people, pretending that nothing fazes her. she doesn’t want anyone to know that she can be scared or weak sometimes. she’s a gryffindor and a potter, so as far as she’s concerned, she’s not allowed to be. lily is expected to be strong and fearless, just like her parents, so that’s what she claims to be whereas, in reality, she can be afraid just like any other person; she’s just good at hiding things. the thought of losing people she cares about absolutely terrifies her, especially with the war. along with that, she has always felt pressure to be great; lily has spent her whole life worrying whether or not she’s good enough due to her family’s achievements. just like her father, she’s always felt the need to be a hero. lately she’s been afraid that she isn’t doing enough to help the order, that her dad would be ashamed of her if he was still alive. that’s one of the reasons why she’ll try to push her outlandish ideas on mcgonagall’s army members even though she knows deep down that she’s suggesting suicide missions.

it’s frightening, really, how much little regard she has for her own life. her self worth is nonexistent in the scheme of things. she’ll fight nail and tooth to live but only because she wants to be there to protect her loved ones; she sees her life as second to theirs. if she thought she could help bring about the end of the war by dying, if there was even the slightest possibility of saving those she views as good, lily would do it in an instant. without thinking. because lily truly believes that her loved ones would get over it, maybe not at first but eventually. and she’s okay with that. she’d want them to move on with their loves, to stop mourning her and find happiness. for lily, there is no better way to go than to go down fighting. to go down while defending her loved ones and her beliefs.

but if she lives through the war, lily plans on becoming an auror, just like her father. it’s just what she’s always wanted to do. again, the girl has a hero complex. and her ambition is great–she wants to be the youngest auror ever accepted into their department and one day make her way up to head auror. lily believes her true calling in life is on the battlefield, protecting the innocent and bringing justice to the world.

lily is a control freak–bossy, domineering, and assertive. losing control is her greatest fear, so she’d never let anyone get the best of her. lily always needs to do something because that’s how she finds control in her own destiny. it always takes time to earn her trust because she fears betrayal and manipulating, causing her to be naturally suspicious of others’ intentions. she’ll fight like hell when others get in the way of her plans; her fear of losing control doesn’t allow her to adapt to change easily. when her father died, she felt weak and powerless, wishing she could just bring back, wishing that she could just do something, anything; her worst fear became a reality, and she swears she is never going to allow herself to feel that way again. she will never be vulnerable again. she will never lose control again. oddly enough, even though she’s been surrounded by love her entire life, she’s even afraid of falling in love for those very reasons. the thought of falling for someone who may or may not love her back, allowing herself to be that vulnerable in front of someone, has always scared her more than she would care to admit. lily needs to feel safe, and being in love with someone who could break your heart is something only fools would do in her opinion.

lily won’t admit to sadness or heartache either, not wanting others to think less of her. through sheer willpower alone, the girl has not cried since she was six though there have been moments where she wished she could allow herself to, such as her father’s funeral. when she saw her father in that casket, she felt like knives were in her ribs, and all she wanted to do was run back to her home, cry, grab a beater’s bat, and destroy all the objects in her home one by one, but her face looked stoic. when asked, lily claims that she’s completely all right about her father’s death, and most believe it. she’ll barely ever talk about him at all. it’s like she isn’t even mourning. there are subtle nuances that she is though. her smile and laugh are more demure than it was before. she’s even more fiercely protective of her family and friends now, and her weakness for heroics has also increased; she’ll go to great lengths to protect and save others with little regard for her own safety. it’s partly because she wants to make her father proud by being brave and partly because she doesn’t value herself much as a person due to her insecurities.

but ironically, even though she hides her emotions the majority of the time, she is consumed by them. they control and drive her, often even to the point of recklessness. logic falls on deaf ears to this girl, making her much more likely to make mistakes and get into trouble. she has a good brain on her shoulders and should know better than to act without thinking, but she doesn’t. lily’s impulsive, reckless, and impetuous, mostly relying on pure instinct. and she’s as stubborn as a mule as well. it’s very hard to convince her not to do something once her mind is set. and bare nerves, stubbornness, and recklessness is a dangerous combination–a mixture not usually found in those who like to live long lives. lily is aware of how foolish she can be, but she just doesn’t care. as far as she’s concerned, if something’s the right thing to do, it’s the right thing to do, regardless of the possible consequences.

but here’s the problem: she’s so often wrong. her black-and-white and self-righteous beliefs are so instilled in her that she can’t see the bigger picture. she can’t recognize that the population isn’t capable of being sorted in categories of good and evil. she doesn’t see shades of grey, judging others by their actions and beliefs regardless of the circumstances. death eaters are not seen by lily as people–only monsters incapable of human emotion. whenever she looks at a death eater, all she can see is her father’s dead face. she doesn’t know who was responsible, so instead she blames them all. she hates them all so intensely that she is blind to the fact that expectations are placed on those from traditionalist families too. and most of all, she doesn’t realize that the other side is just as capable of loving others to the point of consumption as she is. and they should be feared for that.

describe your character through a particular weather temperament or season. / could your character be described in two rival parts, and if so, what would they be? / ( +bonus: if your character could choose their own form of death, what would it be? )

i. lily luna potter was born at the height of summer, on a muggy august night, and as such, she truly embodies every aspect of the season. she’s the unrelenting sun beating down on you — she is always burning burning burning, and she’s impossible to put out. everything she chooses to do is carried out with a tremendous intensity and passion, almost as though she is pouring her entire heart into it, and perhaps she really is. (”they told me to pour my heart into everything i do. so that’s what i did, i poured and poured and poured. now they ask me why i’m so empty.”) when she’s determined to accomplish something, nothing else matters in that moment. she’s overpowering, a girl with the capability to set the whole damn world on fiendfyre if she wanted to. she’s just so much all at once — too much, really. she’s been told that by exes before, that she’s just too much for them, and lily always responds, her voice so piercing it could slit a throat, “or maybe you’re just not enough.” even when she’s cold, it’s with this ferocity that still manages to burn you to the core.

lily can’t ever be any other season than summer, but sometimes she wishes she could be. she longs for the rebirth of spring, the balance of autumn, the chill of winter. but she’ll always burn like summer.

ii. lumos – a fire-haired girl who dons robes of scarlet and gold, as striking as a beacon of light / the family legacy you swore to protect / brain and nerve and bounding heart / a deafening roar of laughter after a brilliant joke / being so incredibly drunk you’re as giddy as a toddler, the life of the party / shielding young girls as though you are the mighty huntress artemis / a magnificent silver phoenix burst from the tip of your wand, summoned by the many faces of your family / the indescribable solace found from wrapping your arms tightly around your big brother, not ever wanting to let go / the callow little girl within yourself that you couldn’t quite manage to kill, a girl who wished on shooting stars and cried during thunderstorms

nox – a meadow of wildflowers wilting away / the fury deep within your core that burns like dragon fire, threatening to consume you / a memory you’ve tried to bury deep within the crevices of your mind, a memory you’d rip from your skull if you could / swearing off love because what good is it anyway / clenched fists so tight that your red, red nails bite crescent moons on your palms / the glorious burn of your muscles during a seething fight / a thunderous cry for retribution, even if it means destroying yourself in the process / feeding into your rage because if you falter for just a moment, you’ll remember just how hollow you are / a ruinous lightning storm encased within a pint-sized girl

iii. she can’t ever picture herself dying quietly. whenever the veil inevitably comes to shroud her, she will take her sharp nails and try to tear it into shreds – she is a forest fire that refuses to snuffed. rage is all she knows, all she’s good at. her beloved cypress wand bears a reminder she carved in runic scripture: “never give up without a fight.”  and lily never will. she will struggle and struggle and struggle before they take her.

it’s not that the prospect of death petrifies her. there have been cold nights where she feels hollow and so very small, and she thinks about how she doesn’t want to die – no, she doesn’t want to die – but still she would appreciate the rest, the quietness, the peace. it had been her own father who had sat her down at age six, her very first taste with death (her great-great aunt muriel finally decided to fucking croak) and bestowed upon her the wise words of albus dumbledore just before they left for the funeral, “do not pity the dead. pity the living.” and oh, she does. lily is just sixteen years old, and she’s already so exhausted.

no, she’s not petrified of death, but rather petrified of what she’d leave behind: a family she treasures more than anything. lily doesn’t place much value in her own life. she ultimately views herself as just a person and not a very good one at that, but still she will fight until her dying breath. she will do it for them – all this struggle is for their sake. she needs to stick around to protect them.

but of course, if she could die to save someone she loved, she would do it in an instant. lily’s loyalty is hard-won, but once it’s earned, there isn’t anything she won’t do for you. so that’s how she’d choose to die, fighting but fighting for something – or someone – worth dying for. on those cold hollow nights when she’s wondering what it’s all for, she has to remind herself that it’s for them.

she might not matter, but they do.

drabble

lily luna potter – the woman, the myth, the legend. the only daughter of the chosen one, the world hailed her as a figure of hope from the moment she was born, waiting with baited breath to see what she will go on to accomplish. lily’s so beguiling she could be the sun – she never manages to dim. she’ll lull you to a stupor when she struts past, as ostentatious as ever, and you’ll be rendered gormless in her wake. she’ll leave you wondering whether she’s a dream or a nightmare, but that’s the very point, isn’t it? you laud her as your hero, thrust her with expectations she could never live up to, and when she seems to rise to the occasion, you forget. you forget that she is just a teenager, not a blinding sun or a sharp crack of lightning or a ruinous earthquake, but a girl who’s barely sixteen. a girl who’s lost more than you could ever imagine. children should never be viewed as metaphors, but from the second she came into this world, it was already too late.

               / / /

self-righteous but vindictive, girlish but bloodthirsty, idealistic but cynical, emotional but hardened, tender but acrimonious, coquettish but closed off, well-intentioned but wicked, fiery but icy, radiating but deathly – lily is a girl of contradictions and paradoxes. she possesses so many opposing traits that it’s difficult to make sense of her. with her full face of makeup and voguish outfits, she is ever so carefully put together, but it only serves to hide the storm raging underneath her skin. her countenance is a purposeful illusion – she doesn’t want you to see the red scars on her skin or the dark circles underneath her eyes. everybody is always watching her, so she must look her best. but there’s more to it, isn’t there? he always used to tell her she wore too much makeup, and since breaking up with him on the cusp of her fourth year, she has never stepped outside without a full face. it’s a permanent two-fingered salute. “fuck you, i’m beautiful.” but why does she feel so ugly and mangled?

              / / /

on some days, she burns as bright as a brush fire, incinerating everything in her path. but on others, she’s as hollowed out as a glacier cave, the coldness seeping inside her body, freezing over her heart – those days, nothing and no one can really touch her. somehow, she always fluctuates between passion and numbness, a vicious cycle she can’t seem to control. lily either feels so intensely or feels absolutely nothing at all, and she’s not quite sure which is worse. when her emotions are tearing her apart, she longs to shut them off, but once they’re gone, she’ll do anything just to feel something again. how can she be so passionate yet so hardened at the same time? sometimes she misses the bitter tang of tears, the sweet release – it’s been ten long years since she’s allowed herself to cry. but she won’t allow herself to be weak again. she’s come too far. perhaps it really is best to have a heart that’s forgotten how to beat; dead hearts can’t break.

              / / /

she’s furious and she’s bitter and she’s tired. she’s so goddamn tired. it’s always so exhausting to be her. some days, she wonders what is the point of it all. why does she keep struggling when all she wants to do is lay down her weary arms, close her eyes, and rest? but she knows she can’t. she was born to fight – that’s all she knows how to do at this point. so she will soldier on.

[copiegrandeurnature]

Imagining our alternate selves can be fuel for fantasy or fodder for regret. Most of us aren’t haunted so acutely by the people we might have been. But, perhaps for a morning or a month, our lives can still thrum with the knowledge that it could have been otherwise. 

“The thought that I might have become someone else is so bland that dwelling on it sometimes seems fatuous,” the literary scholar Andrew H. Miller writes, in “On Not Being Someone Else: Tales of Our Unled Lives” (Harvard). Still, phrased the right way, the thought has an insistent, uncanny magnetism. Miller’s book is, among other things, a compendium of expressions of wonder over what might have been. Miller quotes Clifford Geertz, who, in “The Interpretation of Cultures,” wrote that “one of the most significant facts about us may finally be that we all begin with the natural equipment to live a thousand kinds of life but end in the end having lived only one.” He cites the critic William Empson: “There is more in the child than any man has been able to keep.” We have unlived lives for all sorts of reasons: because we make choices; because society constrains us; because events force our hand; most of all, because we are singular individuals, becoming more so with time. “While growth realizes, it narrows,” Miller writes. “Plural possibilities simmer down.” This is painful, but it’s an odd kind of pain—hypothetical, paradoxical. Even as we regret who we haven’t become, we value who we are. We seem to find meaning in what’s never happened. Our self-portraits use a lot of negative space.

“You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife,” David Byrne sings, in the Talking Heads song “Once in a Lifetime.” “And you may ask yourself, ‘Well, how did I get here?’ ” Maybe you feel suddenly pushed around by your life, and wonder if you could have willed it into a different shape. Perhaps you suddenly remember, as Hilary Mantel did, that you have another self “filed in a drawer of your consciousness, like a short story that wouldn’t work after the opening lines.” Today, your life is irritating, like an ill-fitting garment; you can’t forget it’s there. “You may tell yourself, ‘This is not my beautiful house. . . . This is not my beautiful wife,’ ” Byrne sings. Swept up in our real lives, we quickly forget about the unreal ones. Still, there will be moments when, for good or for ill, we feel confronted by our unrealized possibilities; they may even, through their persistence, shape us. Practitioners of mindfulness tell us that we should look away, returning our gaze to the actual, the here and now. But we might have the opposite impulse, as Miller does. He wants us to wander in the hall of mirrors—to let our imagined selves “linger longer and say more.” What can our unreal selves say about our real ones?

It’s likely, Miller thinks, that capitalism, “with its isolation of individuals and its accelerating generation of choices and chances,” has increased the number of our unlived lives. “The elevation of choice as an absolute good, the experience of chance as a strange affront, the increasing number of exciting, stultifying decisions we must make, the review of the past to improve future outcomes”—all these “feed the people we’re not.” Advertisers sell us things by getting us to imagine better versions of ourselves, even though there’s only one life to live: it’s “yolo + fomo,” a friend tells Miller, summing up the situation nicely. The nature of work deepens the problem. “Unlike the agricultural and industrial societies that preceded it,” Miller writes, our “professional society” is “made up of specialized careers, ladders of achievement.” You make your choice, forgoing others: year by year, you “clamber up into your future,” thinking back on the ladders unclimbed.

Historic events generate unlived lives. Years from now, we may wonder where we would be if the coronavirus pandemic hadn’t shifted us onto new courses. Sometimes we can see another life opening out to one side, like a freeway exit. Miller recounts the sad history of Jack and Ennis, the cowboys in Annie Proulx’s story “Brokeback Mountain,” who are in love but live in Wyoming in the nineteen-sixties and seventies, and so must hide it. They disagree about how to understand their predicament. Ennis has no “serious hard feelings,” Proulx tells us. “Just a vague sense of getting short-changed.” But Jack, Miller writes, “is haunted by the lives they might have led together, running a little ranch or living in Mexico, somewhere away from civilization and its systematic and personal violence.” Jack tells Ennis, “We could a had a good life together, a fuckin real good life.” The existence he has is spoiled by the one he doesn’t.

It makes sense for Jack to dwell on how things might have turned out in a better world. And yet we can have the same kinds of thoughts even when we’re basically happy with our lives. The philosopher Charles Taylor, who has written much about the history of selfhood, has a theory about why we can’t just accept the way things are: he thinks that sometime toward the end of the eighteenth century two big trends in our self-understanding converged. We learned to think of ourselves as “deep” individuals, with hidden wellsprings of feeling and talent that we owed it to ourselves to find. At the same time, we came to see ourselves objectively—as somewhat interchangeable members of the same species and of a competitive mass society. Subjectivity and objectivity both grew more intense. We came to feel that our lives, pictured from the outside, failed to reflect the vibrancy within.

A whole art form—the novel—has been dedicated to exploring this dynamic. Novelists often show us people who, trapped by circumstances, struggle to live their “real” lives. Such a struggle can be Escher-like; a “real” life is one in which a person no longer yearns to find herself, and yet the work of finding oneself is itself a source of meaning. In Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina,” Anna, caught in a boring marriage, destroys her life in an attempt to build a more passionate, authentic one with Count Vronsky. All the while, Levin, the novel’s other hero, is so confused about how to live that he longs for the kind of boring, automatic life that Anna left behind. Part of the work of being a modern person seems to be dreaming of alternate lives in which you don’t have to dream of alternate lives. We long to stop longing, but we also wring purpose from that desire.

An “unled” life sounds like one we might wish to lead—shoulda, coulda, woulda. But, while I’m conscious of my unlived lives, I don’t wish to have led one. In fact, as the father of a two-year-old, I find the prospect frightening. In “Midlife: A Philosophical Guide,” the philosopher Kieran Setiya points out that, thanks to the “butterfly effect,” even minor alterations to our pasts would likely have major effects on our presents. 

Sartre thought we should focus on what we have done and will do, rather than on what we might have done or could do. He pointed out that we often take too narrow a census of our actions. An artist, he maintains, is not to be “judged solely by his works of art, for a thousand other things also help to define him.” We do more than we give ourselves credit for; our real lives are richer than we think. This is why, if you keep a diary, you may feel more satisfied with the life you live. And yet you may still wonder at the particular shape of that life; all stories have turning points, and it’s hard not to fixate on them.

Miller quotes the poem “Veracruz,” by George Stanley, in full. It opens by the sea in Mexico, where Stanley is walking on an esplanade. He thinks of how his father once walked on a similar esplanade in Cuba. Step by step, he imagines alternative lives for his father and for himself. What if his dad had moved to San Francisco and “married / not my mother, but her brother, whom he truly loved”? What if his father had transformed himself into a woman, and Stanley had been the child of his father and his uncle? Maybe he would have been born female, and “grown up in San Francisco as a girl, / a tall, serious girl.” If all that had happened, then today, walking by the sea in Mexico, he might be able to meet a sailor, have an affair, and “give birth at last to my son—the boy / I love.”

“Veracruz” reminds me of the people I know who believe in past lives, and of stories like the one David Lynch tells in “Twin Peaks,” in which people seem to step between alternate lives without knowing it. Such stories satisfy us deeply because they reconcile contrary ideas we have about ourselves and our souls. On the one hand, we understand that we could have turned out any number of ways; we know that we aren’t the only possible versions of ourselves. But, on the other, we feel that there is some fundamental light within us—a filament that burns, with its own special character, from birth to death. We want to think that, whoever we might have been, we would have burned with the same light. At the end of “Veracruz,” the poet comes home to the same son.

As Sartre says, we are who we are. But isn’t the negative space in a portrait part of that portrait? In the sense that our unled lives have been imagined by us, and are part of us, they are real; to know what someone isn’t—what she might have been, what she’s dreamed of being—this is to know someone intimately. When we first meet people, we know them as they are, but, with time, we perceive the auras of possibility that surround them. Miller describes the emotion this experience evokes as “beauty and heartbreak together.”

The novel I think of whenever I have this feeling is Virginia Woolf’s “To the Lighthouse.” Mrs. Ramsay, its central character, is the mother of eight children; the linchpin of her family, she is immersed in the practicalities of her crowded, communal life. Still, even as she attends to the particulars—the morning’s excursion, the evening’s dinner—she senses that they are only placeholders, or handles with which she can grasp something bigger. The details of life seem to her both worthy of attention and somehow arbitrary; the meaning of the whole feels tied up in its elusiveness. One night, she is sitting at dinner, surrounded by her children and her guests. She listens to her husband talking about poetry and philosophy; she watches her children whisper some private joke. (She can’t know that two of them will die: a daughter in childbirth, a son in the First World War.) Then she softens her focus. “She looked at the window in which the candle flames burnt brighter now that the panes were black,” Woolf writes, “and looking at that outside the voices came to her very strangely, as if they were voices at a service in a cathedral.” In this inner quiet, lines of poetry sound:

And all the lives we ever lived and all the lives to be Are full of trees and changing leaves.

Mrs. Ramsay isn’t quite sure what these lines mean, and doesn’t know if she invented them, has just heard them, or is remembering them. Still, Woolf writes, “like music, the words seemed to be spoken by her own voice, outside her self, saying quite easily and naturally what had been in her mind the whole evening while she said different things.” We all dwell in the here and now; we all have actual selves, actual lives. But what are they? Selves and lives have penumbras and possibilities—that’s what’s unique about them. They are always changing, and so are always new; they refuse to stand still. We live in anticipation of their meaning, which will inevitably exceed what can be known or said. Much must be left unsaid, unseen, unlived.

Excerpt from: Joshua Rothman, ‘What If You Could Do It All Over? The uncanny allure of our unlived lives’, in: The New Yorker (December 14, 2020).

[qphuikj]

Quantum Phantasia

By Hui Kj

2019

CHAPTER 1 

Oh, to be - and you do that of way and developing as that is what till the next bicycle. As I meditate on the bicycle’s heroin: it is too for two, and who are the flowers for? You dance around the source. Means of purpose - you have helped very much so. The impressions: the different words for different people - attention, a function could swerve to slur in a mind and latching discussion. Where does the wastefulness go? - bicycle construct theory, forgive me. The phrase my only stance, and you say it could change but all the same. Moon phase, eschaton questions to build; how are you laughing at absurdity? - what, which what for curiosity? A help out of discomfort: bicycle spirit for us. I am building on hills with hope for a share of collective insight thru times. Will you will again? We wield the bicycle as we must. 

Daylight innocence - if we are talking - no matter what. Me: offering in aimless concrescence. You: just how you are. This is just how it is going to relay for one to imagine change in the bicycle’s modes: Forgive, it is just living, the shift is doing so, you find, and morning is of no dread for you against bicycle. The worst proclaimed and practiced all over in all’s habit anyway - have a good day. Many rushes of life, and nail it as Temple after our depiction - bicycle. Which genre superstition kicks in foreign ideals? To do good for free you say. Along the water to not be seen and covered by trees - there the mind. Pick your color, and foundation inspires - if that will not happen, then the atmosphere is home and our circle of earth offers a moment’s worth. Now, tell me how. We meditate with our palms and study a puzzling utopia of our own if you say, and here we are to learn in any way because it saved mornings, and I will introduce the royals when you hear the ring. For now explain to me your everything.

Okay, it is not wrong to not be right you mentioned - our common friend has not heard from me and I feel the distance: his season is star filled and the royals will lecture it. Ask about centered survival patterns to anyone. When the boundaries are devoured and the horizon is chased: pause for drama, a bicycle checkpoint would help. The royals will lecture gift formats like on how to look with purposeful heart. You know how it ends, but that is something else. Please, maybe tell me more.

Forgive me; you keep it divine - I wonder. You’ll find there is a nothing to worry - bicycle, but my conflict of purpose in a spinning world of the bicycle’s heroin. Note not my advice; introduce me to your family. There is balance in every way: now a drift going down hill. The royals will bless you; I told them your name. You have sprung my introversion, and it is still up to you - thank you. 

When we imagine format way back when: think of where Skylar is. Now you have taught him endurance with just a few pokes you have longed to get acting for anyone but I say them as you do and Skylar is magnificent with a young shyness - the royals will lecture my faults and it is still up to you. Already so integrated, and us bailing him out of society from false justice in retrospect of a noble revolution, and he caught a cold early this year from meditating in nature any time; I’d like to invite him to the school sometime before we open. If you get tired: he knows about the bicycle. My addiction I will not pass on - he told us different and it was selflessly intriguing but of coming together in a great way all correct. By age and the royal’s blessing I am apt to leave you running till you get to your bicycle - tell me your color. With the colony we will build on the hill a foundation of shared intent; you include me and save when I fall. Somehow something will give us time - minds without mess. I walk into town to find you now: you invite me into your home - thank you. The first board meeting: the colony of color.

Not many have sat around: down on the couch here - you told me. You pull from your shelf a book of symbols and let me glance, and when I looked for ‘light’ you said think of an animal - flamingo on a bicycle. You told me to drink my smoothie but I stood up for the backyard in aimless anxiety. We sat for a cigarette like a picnic on the grass, and I am asking you now if we are like each other. You do not tremble when some things collapse - you are exciting. The jabs are not relevant to you, and that is how I will still learn even if a claim is registered in a difficult society. 

Skylar’s symbols he latched and got going from your graceful mind’s intent - the common and expanding language we all seem to meditate on; he was sobered and contained in wicked culture for carrying equal concepts across structures. What we are bringing him to is the utopia of possibility that is seemingly aware and curious of: where it all goes right in finding truth - though mostly you are the celebration with him and that is all. To already knows how it ends with a path coming quick so soon. The royals will talk to you about color, and Family is in no way secret anymore but tell me more. You turn to Circles in the book and you mention a universe that is always a way. Forgive me. Now in moonlight, you pull out the couch’s bed and it is something like a bicycle. We know I can not sleep, and we are there itching our hair hailing music as meditation - thank you. Now you mention bicycle and we know we get disappointed: this selection you chose for purposeful misconfigure vibrations at daring risk atmosphere generally but we can swim thru. The royals make sense in time - they will see and they take interest. I still only offer my respects and absorb their wisdom - they ask about colony expansion and you know Skylar better than I.

In the morning you emailed your sister about what memory of mother together again - what bicycle do we meditate on? The heart in your family flows thru you too, and that is no surprise from how you tell me what you do about divine and honoring in honesty even when death shifts over loved ones - thank you for sharing and you show strength in heart - love, oh. Where do you want to start? You said your mother use to talk about architecture, which reminded me of a pressing bicycle errand that is a surprise for you, and I leave in swift with a secret glee. 

It was your idea to open space for him and you visit him again now, and I begin a new test-module derived from collective intent and a mode against error-loss that you helped me see, and I talk amongst faculty on the hill about you and about what we will have - the royals want to be refreshed too; so thanks for giving me words. The opening debate for the students is youth direction, and it is of balance just as is: it is healthy to watch and latch onto any hoping minds - flamingo on a bicycle. Thoughts on diet and taking care of the land; the way to obtain insight even in difficult generation. So, I ask you about trusting in pulling streams or moving water of. You said: water and good. Skylar will split our joy and the royals keep asking about him too - please wish him a happy day there now in the middle of where you are in company. I will see you two hopefully soon. 

Thank you for bringing the future to me for us. The surrounding culture pulls me at times, and yet the construction on the hill has shifted in color - I meditate on change. I pray to Spirit, but it does not need me to keep it alive at times I believe - there is more living for us and the values we are closing in on must be explained in depth to those troubled or even the ones who surpass our heart to prompt insight for each other with concepts developing that have and will keep us and even the universe alive, thanks.

One day we will marry Skylar of his own grand ideals - love his love, and I hope he will continue to develop endearment as some extraordinary surrender but also a departure from surrendering that you say he described with wholesome compatibility functions to prompt a productive family dynamic that will rest our feet when strangers come about, and the equality of common empathy to say all is family. Let me know if he is in love - bicycle heroin. I must see him more. You know how it ends; explain this to me. 

I have had doctors try to kill me - bicycle. The caution - my flaw - is staring at cornerstone arena and itching my arm with aimless wonder against violence coming any second - to system relapse with error; but I make a life of this and shake it off. Bicycle absence: you know how it ends. We function far from wrath and will not meet it even if it is weak and able to collect spirits - the idea is that people will join in their own good will, and accept the wonder. The trace beyond the royals is Spirit’s bicycle and that is where their focus has been and mine merely sparked in a way not yet pointed. 

To praise magnificent divine; we are coasting to the eschaton that is a singularity of purpose and climax. If you know how it ends, and Skylar and you discuss this: Invite me to the light, and we will tattoo identity in a way that is universally splendid. You tell me he reduces to applying a simple sacrifice consistently - what a celebration it could be. . . but you two know how it ends. Tell him I can not handle newer machines - our bicycle. He will get to the colors first - flamingo heroin.

The pressure for the academy: my time away from the knowledge transfers and exciting forms has made me a weaker spirit - caught up in routine schedule; bicycle heroin. Name the team - where does the mirror go? You are there now: what is his color? I owe life for how you fix what is falling - pride: dark and lonesome. Did you tell me your color?

Critique the colony’s hill - oh, never mind; not yet. At what angle will the motto fit? Never mind, we have not painted - the walls are up mostly. There will be a big picture: a tree on a boat; no, a flamingo bicycle on a straight path, no storm. You are telling me he likes me - what is my color? Let your office be the school’s library; but I know you are an outlet for me undoubtedly and will be for everyone of your gentle way with guidance and any of your maps of purpose will save many worlds. Yet, all I have is my bicycle heroin. 

You tell me everything about the bicycle, and you say you found your color: you have become. How do you remain hidden in your everything? When you teach on intent you are relaying fruit. You told me one morning that Skylar has his own calendar precise to when concepts act out at last, all aligned to everything astrology: his example a youngling from the temple on her violin, then another when someone had a needed cry all of personality community. A colony of needed cries. 

What color of shirt will Skylar wear on his first day? - flamingo heroin maybe. The sun will shine thru the school, and what purity is for our motto in your eyes? You say he teaches you on foundation to keep on; I miss you two. The hill, a climbing to monument. The royals asked about a meeting. When you consider family, is it learned or the meditation is on fire just because? As I walk where the garden will go, I know they all will feel safe. You make me feel safe against myself - what is Skylar saying to you now? - bicycle heroin.

The garden - Skylar: the beautiful wave. Maybe he will fall in love and flourish in color - the youth will find their purpose in the same world we live out in; this is home and I need you here. Your time with him is like a flamingo on a bicycle. We differ when I talk about my grey - you just wait with love and I am sorry. You will lecture against the bicycle and that is why I call you friend. Where there is growth at the temple, there will be a team here for us and they will build their own temples. The school is for the ones like Skylar, and I can not take a stance as some leader if you just whisper. Don’t you see I never fell in love again? - bicycle heroin. 

When you look at me there is a point against nothingness. Never mind that; the royals will not have me - flamingo on a bicycle. The sky makes me pause, and Skylar makes me think of blue; what about blue? You root for the establishment but your mind is my dream. You freely give, and I am frantic against comfort. You dance around the source and I am a jealous man - bicycle. Skylar meditates on what haunts himself, so sure - my personal value is slipping away in ignorance of direction; just on the hill waiting. If he is suspicious of me, that is what makes him right - bicycle heroin.

Skylar is in love in many ways - all so personal and in divine bicycle that strikes my heart when I can only place something on a desk in a mess as he benefits only in selflessness. I am merely a harbinger somehow appointed to allow you thru and up to carry a miracle that is the boy that cripples me but will live on for eternity in the eyes of the one’s who never felt the love that you two revive to develop - thank you, from a flamingo on a bicycle. 

You say he has new symbols, and I merely meditate on his spirit already. The rain now erases the dash of sorrow when one knows the garden is glowing - will you not come sit with me and tell me your everything? The colors and lack of colors is what will save me today. When there is not a wait, and the world bicycles around a subject: should one not let the self fall away? The difference between us is that you are integrated and the framework always seems to be in need of you from over here. Though, this is not a school - with ones like Skylar this is an infinite colony and there is nobody of credit besides the options that ask of each other. The bicycle heroin is how we are opened.

With the garden’s colors in the rain: I thank you. You teach me the mind’s piano. Could you ask Skylar what his love language is? - in some years there will be his name carved into a step with me long gone as the color will still keep him still somehow. He already makes me wonder where I will be when he saves the world. Tell me softly how you sweep me away - oh, never mind that. You say you want to teach poetry - so, thanks. Wherever you are: take care and take your time. A flamingo on a bicycle. 

CHAPTER 2

It is understood in a beguiling and troubling way to think that your infinity of medicinal and mere inspirational ideals have spiraled against you - impossible as it seems, you say it is so, and when you get out of the hospital I will be here with open arms, or hidden away in shame: it is up to you, but I will feel ashamed and feel deeply with only empathy all in all. Last week you gave me a drawing of a flower and I passed it onto the royals - bicycle. 

There is only a longing from me a guidance for you that gets found sooner than a life lived unhappy. Your sister wrote to the school this morning and stated that you will not be here tomorrow to teach - the young ones will paint you up wonders and that is a great thing. She is only your step-father’s daughter, and Skylar will visit you thrice a week. I am against the day - could it be your old lover? The redhead who could never look you in the eyes. I know you loved your mother. 

When love was happening in a past register of myself, what it was is not what it is - a heart will transform, yet I do not know if your heart has become dark or dull. The only optimism relevant is a source from you, in me for me - and I may be responsible in a way even if you just feel empty. Your mother knew what you needed, and your sister remains family still. If it is anger: give me your anger, and it can just be fine that way if there has been an injustice that I am suspicious of. I go to your office and you are not there. Tomorrow I attempt to teach poetry with an open approach calling for participation.

If you see error in me I will set fire to spectacles unknown in pure focus of what it all could have been - I am sorry. In a way this is virginity - like, what is this? The only bicycle for me is the one to you but that is not your bicycle I see now: wow. You challenge me like a man should - Skylar is infinite and you know his color. If you see the moon thru your window then let yourself heal. If you have bad faith in me than I will change my name and bother none no more - flamingo. 

I register you passive but as an endless placer with a collective mission: the social study away from the people besides your to me at times and with your very special Skylar. He is outgoing and will meditate on love than put into action the purpose and potential it possesses but not all can see - you make me see. The issue is that I have become dependently obsessed with how your rainbows curve and I look up in awe to a promise. You do feel for me in a way that I may have difficulties sorting - the hate for myself is drifted away, like today in your initial poetry class. Everyone has only praise for you, and I spark on that spark because I want you to be happy in all. 

He is a powerful leader - all around the faculty is the excitement of a genuine beautiful mind. Skylar makes insightful comments in class and he approaches the teachers directly with a pressing concern on the general morals and functions - for example, in art history he knows whether the focus is on mood, religion, or vanity. There was joy in my heart when I found him seated in the garden. Even if he has the power to rule and is of justice to find the faults and may then kill me with a word: that is of my own ordeal and he will save the world with a palm of grace and youth stretched out and up. 

The more you are away: the more I do not fear death. For as I am family, the bicycle is at home with yours left beside it - all here for anytime. My voice does not catch up to you in any space - the emotion derived from your innocence and splendor leaves me quite tired; tho who was I before? - flamingo on a bicycle. 

There are no flaws found in you two in any frame and time only shows an interesting depth - like my grandma is dying of old age and light is the answer. It is Sunday and I am going into town to see her as well as you in following for this evening. She is 100 years old and the nursing home faculty have to feed her water with a spoon daily - she is 75 pounds and sleeps for days at a time. The old men nod, and the women chat about their families. The morning glowed thru the windows and it was quiet. Her hands are cold; my families warmth far away - my best is in sorrow and grey. 

My grandmother was a photographer - specifically nature-wildlife spectacles. The light was in the creatures no matter where the light stayed or went; the moment would freeze for an eternity all in all - bicycle as her collection developed. On her mirror there was a picture of my grandfather, her sisters, my parents and her young in the desert with a red hat on - just heroin. Her breathing is slow, and her skin frail. When death kisses she will transition and look down on me: guide me and I will meditate on this moment for when family brought me to brokenness in a way and my heart fluttered.

The walking in the weather - still bicycle in my mind. With age in gratefulness: meditate on how it is as it is until there was the strangest feeling. My mind starts to race no matter how it is - something is not right. The sounds carve outward and a feeling of doom rushed over me. There is just a repetition of piercing feelings that seem all too deadly. Any moment and anything - an error and a confusion prepare me for nothing but an entanglement: bicycle panic. Down the road the people are moving about; the eyes were too good at seeing me, and as I stumble into the hospital I wonder if I will join you. 

~

The doctor tapped his pencil while squinting at me with question. I completely forgot I have not slept in 3 days. He wrote me a prescription for bicycle heroin and that is what you are on in the room a couple hallways away. The doctor said you have made improvements and will be discharged tomorrow afternoon. He also said that your sister will be here, and when I entered your room I knew you would not be apt to teach by the look on your face. You are not wearing a shirt, your legs are shaking, your gaze at a wall, and unbearably lifeless with the same sorrow and doom I feel. I go to your desk with the books, the comb, the medicine, and I look to the mirror and say hello but you do not move in the slightest. 

Neither of us were meditating but you were still. I made little paces around the room and you stayed gazing at the floor. There were other patients throughout the hallways and you started to take off your socks which made my eyes frantic. Your defeated voice puzzled me - something is not right. I want to pass you love messages but the window shuts out the light and suddenly you speak: I am addicted.

I sat next to you and sobbed on your shoulder - what is wrong? You kept staring at the ground and your breathing slowly deepened and see how I follow you in everything? What is wrong? You stand up and go to the door to close it and as your turn towards me: a hysterical broke out and you fell to the floor like a possessed pig. I rubbed my eyes and could not look away. I have never seen a more sad person as I started to shift back to normalcy. You looked very unattractive and embarrassingly disturbed to the point where I just stepped quietly out, signaled a tech, and walked out like I never knew you - and I never did.

~

The open-neighborhood-park was empty and I sat with a cigarette mildly numb and aimless with the bicycle script tried. It feels like a new year and I want to change. The grass was plush and my body felt as a golden stream sinking into itself. No troubles bothered me and life was being lived and death could happen but it felt nothing like I used to feel. The cigarette was a spectacle and shifting bicycles never had me suspicious; the school is a masterpiece and my jaw dropped thinking about the 45 students with promising artistic insights in their current bicycles and the one’s that will bloom after a storm. This mere moment of distraction painted me blue.

Up the hill, past mid-day: a lady of royalty stood on the front steps with her arms crossed and with a tapping foot - something is not right; mere dim blue. She waved me inside and pointed to my office where another woman who was pregnant had her head in her own lap weeping on the floor; my door open. The mother was shaking and would not look up until I stepped down beside her - she pointed into my office and resumed in pain. To my surprise there was Skylar at the chalkboard already turned towards me with a defeated, blue aura and bandages on his wrist. The words on the board read: ‘I am me.’ - over and over until he was out of room. I was horrified. He went for his mother to lift her up: the two sat down across from my desk as I raised my hands of confusion and as he puffed his chest smiling, the boy speaks tragedy…..

His love is love…..

The scars will tell but heal…….

Family will comfort him……

Dignity thru chaos in his mind……

Monarch, no…….

When they left he handed me a note: I wept in doom with all variations of hope plummeting, dragging me into the dull core of the earth.

You defiled hope! Oh, to be the imprinter disease source - you coward! I hate you! You have kidnapped light for your circus! Hideous, demented fool! Diseased, pitiful armadillo demon! You have had enough heroin! You have wasted your whole life, snake! Only a child!

Ladybug Finale - by Skylar Peterson, for Dr. James

My love will not change, but the range from rays In rage

River mother, another brother in the cage - mage one day with my dear mate

The world changed: New love and a mouse dance

Five years her and a holiday glance dance and paint pants in a health trance

I did not keep what he said, and I gave up being dead

Brother whispers out  ‘bless the wed’s beds’ 

And I shout:

I will be happy…..

You will be happy….

She weeps, but still sassy

And they can still laugh at me - any day in a way

All family anyway at this next Sunday

fin

RSVP - Mr. and Mrs. Peterson / Sunday @ 5th Royal Manor 7 o’clock

Note:

In the end it is blue. The colony placed as a new place; the headmaster an old friend known from temple in my early days back there - Al, he is noble and speaks many languages and inspired me to find peace. Lately, psychology has framed a resting way with active meditation on types of types again and has become my life. With my home outside of Amsterdam I take a couple patients and teach religions at the local school three classes a week. The simple things matter to me: neighborhood cats near the back shack, apples picked from a tree, poetry, and the bicycle heroin that never let me love again - to be the mouse on the mice trap by a laughing, old, sad sad man. 

contact: 645372@protonmail.com

[csrgood]

NRG Women Making History

As we embark on a new decade, we would like to take this opportunity to recognize women whose efforts have led our company to its current success. We wish to recognize five powerful women essential to breaking new ground and making history both at NRG and in our sector. Continuously improving our business, these women solidify the importance of placing inclusion and diversity at the center of who we are and what we do. Please join us in recognizing the amazing strides they have made and the path they are laying towards a more inclusive industry.

Andrea T., Director of Product Innovation, Green Mountain Energy

Our industry is very complex, and impacted by many variables, some predictable and others, like weather, unpredictable.  This also means the opportunities are endless.  NRG, fortunately, has built a strong foundation that fosters a diverse, strong and creative workforce.  Over the nine years I have been at NRG, I’ve experienced that no matter how big or small an idea is, it is always heard. Also, I have seen the company encouraging women like me to leverage our strengths in order to be a strong player in this dynamic market.  We are natural multitaskers, strong communicators, nurturing, empathetic, motivated by big challenges, we dream big and focus on teamwork and collaboration. All of these are greats skills to get things done effectively, but are also needed to develop and offer amazing products, best-in-class customer experience, and a sustainable future. 

At NRG, I have found my passion for addressing some of the environmental issues we face as a society.  The company has given me the opportunity not only to develop initiatives with strong quantifiable results, but sustainable programs and products that fulfill me as a customer, employee and mother.  My position as Director of Product Innovation for Green Mountain Energy has allowed me to be creative, help customers meet their sustainability goals and to impact our communities in a positive way. I have learned that no matter where our customers are in their sustainable journey, they always want to do more to reduce their carbon footprint.  This inspires me to continue to figure out more ways to make our planet a better place to live.  With the support of an amazing and creative Product Team, I have developed solar programs and products that address different customer needs – from virtual solar products such as Go Local Solar to rooftop solar offerings.  Today, Green Mountain Energy is considered a leader in sustainability and I am proud to be part of this journey.  We are in the middle of an exciting and challenging time, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for NRG.

Donna B., SVP, Chief Program Officer

Women at NRG shape the future of the corporate world by bringing diverse viewpoints and creating a tone of teamwork.  This helps teams work together through change and complex work efforts in our industry and within NRG. Since women represent nearly half the U.S. workforce, but significantly less than that in the energy industry, women have an opportunity to expand in the energy workforce, offering their valuable skills and viewpoints.  At NRG, women bring in extensive experience from internal and external energy careers, consulting experience and a wealth of coordination and communication skills to move the company forward. We see women in all departments who are actively committed to achieve our goals and values. They are often key facilitators, communicators and planners for the teams that they are a part of.

The contribution that I bring to NRG, and to other women at NRG, is to foster opportunities to grow, learn and apply skills.  Some of the strongest project and program managers are women with strong leadership, management and organization skills.  I work with, mentor, and support many of them in their careers. I also value the attributes of all team members working together toward common goals with a meaningful purpose. I strongly believe each team member brings unique skills and talents, and our job as leaders is to make sure we provide clear goals, then coach and support our teams to be successful.  This ‘servant leadership’ has been proven to be especially successful for women leaders, now we just need to get more women into those energy leadership roles.  

Outside of work, I am an active Girl Scout leader, encouraging girls across our region to get involved and develop leadership, science and communication skills. This is part of preparing our next generation’s workforce and encouraging the women of our future by both example and involvement.

Kimberly C., Director, Customer Experience

Traditionally, energy has been a male-dominated industry, but forward-thinking companies like NRG realizes it’s not only the right thing to do, but essential for its success to include top female talent. Integrating women is vital to having a broad perspective at the decision table.

When women are exposed to powerful female role models and mentors, they are more likely to see themselves in leadership roles or see a path for advancement. As I continue to grow with the organization, my goal is to serve my internal and external customers. As a brand, I want every single customer interaction with NRG to be the best experience they’ve had with any company. And internally, I want to continue to align with my colleagues across the company and serve as the voice of the customer, as we push ourselves to continue to deliver a best-in-class experience.

Judith L., Senior Vice President, Asset Management

As the SVP of Asset Management, I’d like to acknowledge the women I work closely with at NRG; four others in my immediate group, and several others throughout the organization.  It’s a wonderful feeling to know that I’m in the company of great women who have impressive accomplishments in their own right. If I think about what these women have in common, it is their complete commitment to their families and their professionalism. Perhaps never has this been more apparent than it is right now as we try to maintain some trace of normalcy in our lives in the midst of a global pandemic.

Over 20 years ago, I made a career change, from consulting engineering to business management.  With my engineering and new business degree, I applied for a job with a small independent power producer called United American Energy (UAE) to be the general manager of their hydroelectric power plants and later, of their cogeneration projects.  While I had experience designing power plants and other large civil works, I didn’t have business management experience, or plant operations experience, or direct knowledge of hydroelectric power plants for that matter.

But the owner and founder of UAE was David Goodman. The Goodman family dedicated their lives to removing barriers and promoting social justice in honor of their son and brother, Andrew Goodman—one of the three civil rights workers that were murdered by the Ku Klux Klan during Freedom Summer in 1964.  While there were several men at UAE in identical roles for which I was applying, there were no women.  Having grown up in a home with no bias, David took a chance on me and I became UAE’s first female General Manager of Hydroelectric Projects.  I had to earn respect being a woman in a position that until me was always held by men. I had everything to learn but there was absolutely no way I was going to let David and his brilliant Executive Management team down. 

Going on my 19th year at NRG this June, I have a unique perspective having witnessed the company mature from the early days of competitive markets and evolve along with the industry, adapt to an unforeseen shale gas revolution, and deliver more savings to customers through innovative products and services than perhaps anyone could have imagined. 

As the head of Asset Management for one of the largest competitive power companies in the US, our Asset Managers have tackled just about every aspect of managing the life cycle of a power plant: commissioning new units integrating portfolios, repowering, converting to cleaner fuels, installing emission controls, capturing carbon and enhancing oil recovery, contracting plants needed for reliability, and transitioning plants that have reached end of their economic lives. It is rare to experience such diverse accomplishments over one’s career, it is even rarer to have done that as a woman.

What’s left to do? Plenty. On top of mind is to ensure that we can achieve clean energy goals, including NRG’s to be net zero by 2050, and preserve reliability through a competitive market process at a price our customers can afford. It’s likely I won’t be the one to deliver these results 30 years from now but will gladly pass the torch to the next generation pioneers.

Elizabeth E., Mergers and Acquisitions Director

NRG is incredibly fortunate to have so many intelligent and inspiring women contributing to the advancement of our company and the energy industry as a whole. Women at NRG have led the company’s most important business initiatives, solved our most complicated challenges, and fostered a collaborative environment where inclusion and representation are our norms. As NRG continues to evolve and sharpen its focus as a customer-focused energy company, our full diversity of perspectives and experiences will be an especially valuable asset. I’m particularly grateful for all the opportunities I have had at NRG to work alongside impressive and accomplished women, and as a woman in the energy industry, I’ll always be on the lookout for ways to pay it forward throughout my career.

We recognize the importance of showing appreciation for those pushing us toward a brighter future. Do you have women in the energy industry—or any industry—that you look up to? Join us in recognizing the contributions of powerful women by sharing stories about those who inspire you on Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, or Facebook and by using the hashtag #WomenEmpowerment.

source: https://www.csrwire.com/press_releases/45666-NRG-Women-Making-History?tracking_source=rss

[coin-news-blog]

Andrew Yang’s ‘Freedom Dividend’ Is Not Only Unnecessary, It’s Unethical

New Post has been published on https://coinmakers.tech/news/andrew-yang-s-freedom-dividend-is-not-only-unnecessary-it-s-unethical

Andrew Yang’s ‘Freedom Dividend’ Is Not Only Unnecessary, It’s Unethical

Andrew Yang’s ‘Freedom Dividend’ Is Not Only Unnecessary, It’s Unethical

Andrew Yang has taken to Twitter in dynamic fashion as of late, advertising his universal basic income (UBI) proposal known as the “Freedom Dividend.” While throwing money at people out of pocket always generates a buzz, there’s a mathematically and ethically broken side to the plan few are talking about.

A Real-Life Political Cartoon

Not so long ago people used to joke about the typical shyster politician and their larger than life campaign promises. Wisecracks about the next White House wannabe centered around grease-ball politicians literally throwing money at voters to buy their support. Well now, under the guise of a hip new presidential campaign, the money throwing is actually happening. To critique Andrew Yang is no easy task, given the understandable and dynamic support he’s received against the backdrop of a totally corrupt and greedy political and financial system. It stands to ask, though: Is he really set to change things? Upon closer examination, UBI is little more than an inept and unethical ploy for socioeconomic power.

If it feels this good to give 10 Americans $1,000 a month imagine how it will feel to do the same for hundreds of millions of us. It will be one of the greatest days in human history.

— Andrew Yang🧢 (@AndrewYang) November 1, 2019

Generous (With Other People’s Money)

Math. It’s a discipline unlike others for its exact answers and lack of room for debate. One plus one is two. There’s not much dissent possible here, outside of the occasional stoner drum circle or deep metaphysical fireside discussion. Nothing wrong with either, of course, but this is just to lay the groundwork for an argument. Namely, that one cannot give away value one doesn’t have. While Yang is currently giving a “Freedom Dividend of $1,000 a month for an entire year to 10 American families” out of his own pocket, once in office that money set to “do the same for hundreds of millions of us” will come from your pockets.

UBI: something doesn’t add up.

Mixed Up Math

Yang’s campaign website lays out the groundwork for his proposed “Freedom Dividend.” While a dividend is usually defined as a share of profits paid out to shareholders, Yang’s “dividend” will be made possible “by consolidating some welfare programs and implementing a Value Added Tax of 10 percent.” Not exactly a share of profits as much as money pulled from the pockets of Americans, but for the sake of argument, that will do for now. In assuaging fears of inflation, negative economic impact and even incoming communism, Yang maintains on the site:

The federal government recently printed $4 trillion for bank bailouts in its quantitative easing program with no inflation.

This assessment is massively dishonest, and if not, massively ignorant of basic economic realities. It ignores math, in other words. There are many types of inflation and some of the most pernicious hide beneath the surface of popular reference. While consumer price index inflation (CPI) may appear almost unaffected during some periods of quantitative easing (QE) due to a mix of market factors (including the psychological aspect of consumer confidence), asset price inflation is the real trigger for more serious problems. In other words, even as the debt racket of modern government paper spirals out of control, if the people are confident in their money and the state’s reassurance of its value, CPI may stay relatively stable, and businesses will be unable to increase prices due to this psychology and other factors such as healthy, corrective deflation.

Source: St. Louis Fed, realinvestmentadvice.com

While Yang claims the printing of $4 trillion for bailouts caused “no inflation” the housing and asset market is calling BS in unprecedented and truly frightening fashion. If a house was worth $200,000 five years ago, and now is worth $300,000, this doesn’t necessarily mean the house changed, or that the property became legitimately more valuable. What it often means is that the dollar became significantly weaker against the asset. As these asset prices are thus inflated, banks are able to give out bigger and bigger loans against the asset collateral. Once the jig is up, the bubble bursts and the tumble down is severe, with collateral value no longer covering loans. The graph above shows just how dramatically this buildup is happening currently, with asset inflation signaled by U.S. household net worth against GDP at an all-time-high since 1952 of 535%.

Stolen Generosity

Not only is Yang’s proposition economically unsound, it’s also morally objectionable. This is a hard pill to swallow for many hopeful millennials and Yang gang supporters of all ages, tired of scraping by and struggling in the current corrupt, Keynesian paradigm. That notwithstanding, Yang’s “Forward” is no different from the vague and vapid “Hope,” Change,” or “I’m a better man” of previous candidates.

To pay the Freedom Dividend, Yang proposes you be robbed. Business owners not wishing to apply his suggested VAT would be punished for refusal. Consumers not wishing to pay it, as well. It’s an unpleasant reality, but there’s no way to put it more accurately. Yang explains:

A Value Added Tax (VAT) is a tax on the production of goods or services a business produces. It is a fair tax and it makes it much harder for large corporations, who are experts at hiding profits and income, to avoid paying their fair share.

Many are unsure of what Andrew Yang’s fair share of their income should be. If I similarly were forced to pay every neighbor I have a portion of my paycheck because 15 or 20 of them said I must, or be put in a cage, people would be understandably scandalized by the sociopathic suggestion. But if the theft is euphemized as a “Freedom Dividend” it’s suddenly made much more palatable to the masses. While some maintain taxation is a necessary evil for preserving civilization, this position is illogical. There’s nothing civil about stealing from anyone under threat of violence, and a social need doesn’t justify criminal activity, anyway. If it did, the folks in the U.S. during the plantation slavery era would have been correct in their protests against abolition: “But who will pick the cotton!?”

Bitcoin’s Fix

Leaving Andrew Yang’s universe for a moment, it seems important to address crypto as a potential solution for the current political corruption he supposedly stands against. A recent opinion piece in the Washington Post proclaims: “Facebook’s cryptocurrency won’t help the poor access banks. Here’s what would.” The piece goes on to detail the impossibility of Facebook’s upcoming Libra cryptocurrency actually helping the unbanked of the world, due to government regulations. The article un-ironically closes by suggesting that the very same overbearing government is the solution, stating: “It’s true that financial inclusion would help millions of Americans and benefit the economy. But it can be achieved through time-tested and democratic institutions. In fact, the United States already has a public payments system: the Federal Reserve.”

What so few in the space seem to realize about crypto is that the potential for banking the unbanked, pulling people out of poverty, and enabling savings and the building of wealth for the average individual is already here. The state stands in the way with endless surveillance, KYC/AML requirements, taxes and capital controls, so it happens in the regulatory cracks, at present.

Instead of a $1,000 monthly paycheck in trash money, why not drop all restrictions on trade and allow people to grow their wealth and businesses independently? If we’re worried that criminal warlords and kingpins would take over, just look around — they already have. It is precisely because of the illogical centralization of power and lack of a logical, level playing field that a candidate like Yang can gain any prominence at all. In a free society — and no offense here to Yang personally — he’d likely be known as just a common con artist.

Source: news.bitcoin

[lareinemarie]

Devin’s View Regarding The Dynamics of Black Women/White Men Relationships

The following is from Quora regarding the racialized dynamics of interracial relationships.

Devin Tomas studied Bachelor of Health Science at Virginia Commonwealth University (2018)

I guess it depends on what type of black woman you are referring to. For one, although there are patterns in black peoples preferences, Black women are individual people and are not a monolith and all black people don’t all act as a congregate so you will always be able to find someone who is not what is perceived. Also I’ve noticed there are differences between dating preferences of lets say Africans, Afro Latinas, Afro Caribbeans and African Americans because of different cultures and histories. Even within the same black ethnicity you have people who stray from the norm and regardless there are some who date white men of every culture but I understand you are asking in general. As an African American male who has grown up around black women and girls including my mom, aunts, sisters and love interests and current girlfriend, I have heard different reasons that I can share. This isn't to say all black women refuse to date white men as I know a few who do or at least try it, but it is true in general in my experience they don't or are hesitant to. I can honestly only give you honest answers about African American women so I will be speaking of more specifically black people who are descendants of slaves such as Afro Americans and Caribbean. So here are a few reasons I have heard:

Bad History:

Black women who are descendants of slaves have lived in America in a white male dominated society with direct and personal contact with them for centuries many times against their wills. Them being seen as both black and women, has led to a lot of oppression and dehumanization of black women at the hands of white men historically in ways that permeated the cultural norm of society sometimes so much so the attitudes are taken on by all people and men in American society including sometimes black men. During slavery besides the fact they weren’t considered human and tortured or killed, white male owners often sold the child of black women or black women themselves with complete disregard of her or her families relationships. She and her own children were merely property of white men and their households, including sometimes the very children the master may have fathered himself with the slave.

They were also frequently raped or used as concubiness as an exotic and different choice from white women white men were used to. And this was regardless of if she was married, young, committed to another man or simply uninterested in him. This is how the stereotype of the Jezebel woman came to be applied to black women. They were readily accessible to white men in ways that made them oversexualize their bodies meanwhile still seeing them as lesser.

They were also taking care of the home including the children of white women and men meanwhile she and her children are not given the same privileges, even if the master was sleeping with her. This you could say was the beginning of a lot of the beef between white women and black women as many white women resented the slaves if the husband slept with or favored them causing violence towards slaves by white women or wives. While all this happened black women couldn't defend themselves by resisting the advances of the master as she was simply his property and not human by law, which could in turn lead to violence from those same men's wives. You could see how this may have started some resentment in the minds of black women as she was supposed to fulfill the masters needs yet the master may refuse to protect her showing how little he valued her.

Even after slavery ended black women were stereotyped by white male dominated society to be seen as objects whose mere existence is to satisfy the needs of men(including sometimes black men). There were frequent rapes or coerced sexual encounters during reconstruction and the Jim Crow South(which I must point out that there are people alive today who lived through that, my own father experienced Jim crow as well as thousands if not millions more) that are very well documented that often times went unpunished. Their bodies were and still are merely seen as objects of sexual gratification meanwhile they were dehumanized and although white men could partake in their bodies, black women couldn't partake in the same privileges as white people, men and women alike, enjoyed. It was apparently a rite of passage in the south in certain areas to sleep with a black women which goes to show the lack of agency they were viewed as having as they were only seen as sexual objects. This happened so much the average African American has around 15 to 25 percent autosomal European dna which was introduced primarily via slavery. On top of that we know its almost entirely traced through a male line as about 25 to 33 percent of Y chromosomal dna(derived from y chromosome which makes men men in the womb and is passed down from solely father to son originating from one or a few male ancestor(s) of a certain region thousands of years ago. This chromosomal marker does not change regardless of how much overall autosomal DNA is inherited from somewhere else. You can be almost entirely African with mostly recent African ancestors but because one ancestor from generations ago was from Europe a man may carry the European marker on his y chromosome) of African American men is traced back to Europe meanwhile the female line through mitochondrial dna( same premise as y chromosomal dna except it is found in the mitochondria and is passed down to sons and daughters from mothers) is entirely African. This isn’t to say that all of black women and white men sexual encounters were forced or undesired, but enough of it or so much of it was that it left a permanent scar in the minds of black women in black culture even up to today. Some will argue this happened in the past and doesn't affect today, but the trauma and duration of these events lasted for so long and were so severe it affected the culture of America and shaped each different cultures identities and preferences.

A quick example of how this plays out today is a female professor i had who shared with me a story of how different cultural upbringing will put on display how different people view situations. She explained she went to the doctor because she scabbed her knee when she was a young girl and on that particular day she was wearing a dress. When she went to his office she saw her doctor was an older white male she was only a little worried at first until she sat down he flicked her dress up without her consent as if he was comfortable doing that with her. Now this seems harmless to most other people maybe and im sure the doctor didn’t have any ill intentions(or i would like to hope), but she felt uncomfortable because of how she felt men in general, but more specifically white men, viewed black women as simply easy access to sexual gratification who should not dare resist his advances.

There are tons of other reasons that fall under bad history but in short the relationships white men have showed black women over how they value them or what they value them for have historically not been the best making black women hesitant and speculative of white men's intentions when they pursue them. I think the combination of all these things over the centuries happening created an attitude of disdain towards white men from black women.

2. Cultural Differences

This is probably the biggest reason honestly anyone, not just black women, is hesitant to date outside their own culture or race and why people of all cultures or races tend to stick to their own when given the opportunity. Simply put its easier. We all like to believe love conquers all and knows no color and it sure is a cute and inspiring catch phrase that I wish was entirely true, but dating, marriage or whatever especially long term requires you to be engaged in the very personal and cultural aspects of your partners life. If those cultures clash too often it presents problems in the relationship. Unfortunately black and white culture in many aspects clash and can be polar opposites on certain issues and perceived notions white people might have about black people makes it a no go for many black people but more specifically for black women as dating someone who is doubly privileged as white and a man can potentially present a few challenges. Not to say these challenges can't be overcome but it takes work.

These cultural differences manifest themselves in seemingly minute ways or micro aggressions but they are enough to make a relationship end, I’ve even experienced this as black man myself and have seen it over and over again in relationships where people didn’t address the cultural differences before getting in a relationship. As black people, we generally view our race as deeply ingrained in our experience and culture because of how we are treated in society because of it. From our politics all the way down to our music race is a part of our existence. As a white male, racial issues are not something you may have to deal with or think about as much as a black person let alone a black woman. There are certain things she may be passionate or sensitive to as both a woman and black person that white men might think is either completely wrong or not a big deal. Shoot as a black man there are things i have to be mindful of as the only difference being a man i can't imagine being both white and a man. The relationships I’ve seen work long term between white men and black women the white man was usually sensitive to race issues or grew up around black people making him cognitive of what is acceptable. If not however most black women will run for the hills. Or I have noticed the black girl may for whatever reason have grown up around non black or white people and take on their culture and beliefs making the racial divide easier to get over. However both of these are the exception. The differences can be anything from how hair is perceived, what kind of music you listen to, politics, spirituality, your extended family and the age old debate of who can or cant say the N word. I know shocking right? Small things such as what is presentable hair? Does braided hair look “ghetto” or not “presentable” to the white partner? When the black girlfriend experiences racism or feels uncomfortable because of something that happened to her will he try to understand or will he shrug it off and tell her to stop bringing race into everything? When she decides to change her hair a certain way that doesn't fit the white beauty standard will he make a negative or positive comment about it? Does he know you do not touch black people especially not black women's hair? All of these can be major issues in relationships with black people in general but especially for women.

In short though it falls down to this. Other races of men but especially white men may struggle with understanding them. I even feel this way as a black man towards other races of women. Other races of people might be able to sympathize with you but they can not empathize. Another race of men may be able to feel pity or sorrow for a black woman but may not be able to empathize because they do not have the experience of growing up with black moms sisters or friends on a personal level making them unsure of what to do when racial conflicts arise. This is ultimately a turn off for many black people men and women as again race is deeply ingrained in our experience.

3. Fear

Another reason which I’ve heard from many black women is that they simply fear that white men may never understand them or make the effort to try to. Or that they simply don't value them enough outside of a fetish or booty call. There is something scary physically and emotionally about letting your guard down to someone who has been apart of a group of people that for the most part have historically seen you as lesser. All it takes is for a black girl to hear one somewhat racially charged statement about black people from a white guy and she could be turned off to them completely. There is also fear that the white partners extended family or parents might not approve of your relationship or even that her family won’t approve( you would be surprised a lot of black people are actually against their child bringing a white person home but more specifically for a black women to do so it seems for some reason) And I’m sure we've all heard the stereotype of how black women are supposedly the least desired woman in America and no one wants them. So there is also the idea that white men simply aren't attracted to black women so there is no point in entertaining the idea.

4. Simply Not Attracted

As I previously mentioned most people tend to want to settle down with or are more attracted to people who have a lot in common with them. The vast majority of black women i know are mostly attracted to black men and the same goes for black men( contrary to popular belief). I grew up seeing women like Nia Long, Brandy, and Meghan Good on movies i enjoyed as well as being around black women a lot in my life so i am attracted to black girls mostly. I think the same goes for black women as they grow up seeing a lot of black artists or movie stars that are more so a reflection of them or look like their fathers or brothers or other men in their circle. They look up to who look more like them so they tend to be attracted to them. I have also heard a lot of black women want children that are black and look like them. I think black women tend to like darker skinned people with black features as well. These are things such as dark skin, big lips, curly hair etc. I remember when i was really young it seemed like light skinned was seen as attractive in both black guys and girls but as i age i see more and more black people trying to practice what we call “self love” or “black love” with us embracing darker skinned people in our communities who are often times neglected or seen as lesser. So i think there is a desire now to really want to be with people who are black that have somewhat of a similar culture to them which is why they don’t date white guys per say. I will say the black girls I've seen date other races of people the men tended to be either darker than white such as Latino or Asian or someone who was somewhat exposed to black culture.

On the flip side, most white men I know also prefer women within their own race and when they venture outside their race tend to choose Asian or Hispanic/Latina women. With that being said, I think it is safe to say most white men don't think of black women first in general when they think about dating interracially. I think a lot of white males preferences in body type differs from black women as well. It seems to me in white culture and many non black cultures women are supposed to be small quiet and petite or tight. This is why a lot of white men like Asian women because they are seen as all of those things. Black women are seen as curvy thick , outspoken and voluptuous. All of these are stereotypes of course but its the stereotypical image people have in their heads unfortunately. Of course there are white men who are attracted to black women as you can find attractive women of any race, but i think the average white man will chose an attractive Asian woman over an attractive Black woman. I think a lot of this has to do with simple preferences and also part of it has to do with I know a lot of white men who believe stereotypes about black people women included, so they never entertain the idea unless a black woman pursues them.

On another note, in 2018 in America there are still very racist people around in ever gender, culture and even age group. Many white people I know simply are not comfortable with dealing with all the stares and shame they may get from their relatives or other white people in society so they tend not to date outside their race on average. This is especially true for bringing home black people as again often times our cultures clash with white culture and this can lead to excommunication from the white family. I know plenty of interracial marriages or relationships which involved a black partner( and this isn’t exclusive to white people btw this includes Asians, Hispanics etc) where once the family found out about the relationship the practically cut off all ties with the white person and all though i know that shouldn't happen the reality is most people don't want to be separated from their family. Unfortunately our society sees black people as very negative in many aspects so bring a black person home can strike up various feelings and emotions in non black families especially those that don't have a lot of experience or exposure to black people outside media. Now this isn't to say if a very attractive black woman approaches him he won't entertain the idea, but in general I think most white people are hesitant to date a black person whether they want to openly admit it or not.

I will say though i know plenty of white people men and women, who are attracted to black people, but they would never get into a long term relationship with a black person especially if it means bringing them home. For instance maybe when they are away for college or going on a trip away from the family. Most people can say they are attracted to people of other cultures and races either physically or socially, but the attraction is not the only thing that influences dating and marriage choices. When in college I knew of plenty of white men and women who slept with black people but the vast majority of them would not date them out in the open or commit themselves to a long-term relationship. There is stigma with them dating black people just like there is a stigma for black people dating white people. They may run the risk of being called a “n***er lover” or a “mudshark” or “damaged goods”. I’ve had white women approach me sexually plenty of times in college but when i saw her out and about she would act like she didn't know me. I think the same is true conversely for black women in many cases. And if you are a black person who knows this you may not want to even entertain someone who doesn’t want to be seen out in public with you so why even entertain the idea. Now again, there are obviously acceptions and there are people who couple up who are of different races. But as i mentioned this is what i have noticed for myself and from other black women.

All of these are reasons I’ve heard black women typically don't date white men. A lot of it is fear and pride from both sides but a lot of it is they simply aren't attracted and to be honest, there is nothing wrong with that. I prefer black girls and have my reasons I could never see myself dating a white woman and black women have their reasons for not preferring white men. But I think if the white male is sensitive enough to listen and try to understand her or learn and realize there are certain things he needs to understand about who she as a black woman and what is and isn't okay, the relationship will be fine and more black women would be open to the idea.

[mrmichaelchadler]

Nick Allen's Top Ten Films of 2018

Below is a small glimpse at my film year, a collection of the movies I was fixated on during and after festivals, recommended to you if you asked me what was good, or was simply blown away by. And in the case of my number one film, it was lodged so deep into my brain that its second-to-last shot made for a solid homemade Halloween costume. Of course, this list is subject to change at any minute, with special shout-outs to “Roma,” “Minding the Gap,” “Eighth Grade,” “Widows,” “Vice,” “Free Solo,” “If Beale Street Could Talk,” “Blaze,” and the laugh-out-loud quality of “Mile 22.” 

10. “Bird Box” 

In 2010, Susanne Bier made one of the most unforgettable stories about the immediacy of day-to-day violence with “A Better World,” its plot hinging on acts of humanism across continents. She brings that focus on how we treat each other to the ruthlessly thrilling “Bird Box,” which tops off a year of nervous cinema, but is approximately 300% more stressful than the silent but deadly “A Quiet Place” (nor can “Bird Box” have its logic poked through by the prospects of farts). The hook here is an apocalyptic disadvantage—one’s eyes must always be covered from an outside force that invades consciousness, making them want to hurt others or themselves.

Adapted by Eric Heisserer from the novel by Josh Malerman, “Bird Box” takes the set-up of a survival story to its most tense limits, where characters are walking, driving, or riding down a river through unknown environments, without being able to see where they are going. In a year in which watching white supremacy terrorize families in “The First Purge” seemed redundant, “Bird Box” is one of the most terrifying depictions of fanaticism; those who do decide to see sometimes have a frightening, monstrous power, and try to force others to look. It's a scary reflection of our modern cults built on hatred, anonymous conspiracy theories, or willful misinterpretations of the Bible. 

The whole of "Bird Box" hinges on dumb luck, but each major set piece has an inescapable claustrophobia, in which the ability to see what the blindfolded characters can't, and imagining what could befall them, makes it that much more terrifying. At the center of it all is a top-level performance from Sandra Bullock, portraying a mother in the most desperate mode of survival. She makes a viewer even more wistful that somehow she and her two blindfolded kids can survive the film’s impossible world.

9. “Searching” 

Aneesh Chaganty’s “Searching” is a thrilling correction to a few bugs in mainstream filmmaking: it’s an unabashed crowd-pleaser that doesn’t talk down to its audience, a tech-savvy movie that doesn’t lament the growing presence of smart phones and social media so much as whole-heartedly embrace them, and a screen-based thriller that isn’t just the cinematic equivalent of watching a desktop. That it’s also a thriller that gives John Cho the leading role he’s long deserved is just one of its many elements to adore.

Scripted by Chaganty and Sev Ohanian, this story about a father (John Cho) searching for his missing daughter Margot (Michelle La) is one of the year’s most exciting examples of creativity, with elements of filmmaking one can easily take for granted—it’s one of the year’s best edited films for how it creates an emotional roller coaster using only the content on its characters’ screens, orchestrating a narrative out of an insane amount of on-screen detail that fully immerses us in everyone's lives. "Searching" plays wonderfully on repeat viewings, and the opening scene has deservedly won comparisons to the first ten minutes of “Up”—“Searching” is the debut of major storytelling talent, with a thrilling new perspective on the technology we use every day.

8. “John McEnroe: In the Realm of Perfection” 

“John McEnroe: In the Realm of Perfection” is a sports documentary that begins with a Jean-Luc Godard quote, and doesn’t show its title subject until five minutes in. Yes, this movie is a dream for anyone who has felt film semiotics and sports analysis aren’t too different of beasts, especially when one talks about the strengths and weaknesses of a performance. Needless to say, “John McEnroe: In the Realm of Perfection” transported me back to my brain-fueling Film Studies classes, all focused around a pivotal match for the hot-head tennis player in 1984. This doc does not just thrill with how it toys with form, but also in how it proclaims the expansive potential of critical thinking. I dare anyone who is interested in the very concept of criticism, whether for athletes or filmmakers, to try to turn it off after watching it for those five minutes.

7. “Makala” 

“Makala” popped into my life as a review assignment back in August, and by the end of the year it’s still the most exemplary idea of the power in minimalist storytelling. One of the most tense scenes this year is of Makala trying to push a huge bundle of coal, strapped to his bike, up a small hill, as captured with simplicity by director and cinematographer Emmanuel Gras. As it documents one man’s process in creating coal, carting it many miles and then trying to sell it, “Makala” speaks to the eternal values of filmmaking, and recognizes that walking many miles in someone else’s shoes is an instrumental part of it. 

6. “Cold War”

Anyone who was a bit miffed by the ending of Damien Chazelle’s musical “La La Land”—not that it ended on a surprising note, but that it felt like an incomplete thought—will find refreshing heart and soul in Pawel Pawlikowski’s musician story, “Cold War.” Told over various years and across countries, the story of two Polish musicians and their romance in spite of years and geographical distance beautifully condenses time but doesn’t cut short its emotion. “Cold War” precisely captures the different chapters of a relationship, while having a black-and-white beauty that makes the film like the year’s best love ballad.

5. “Mandy” 

Like a holy mix of “You Were Never Really Here” and “If Beale Street Could Talk,” as blended with a chainsaw fight and served on an actual dish of revenge, “Mandy” is one of the year’s most visceral proclamations of love and loss. Be not fooled by the howls from its growing cult audience, the best aspects of “Mandy” (directed by Panos Cosmatos and co-written with Aaron Stewart-Ahn) are not its albeit glorious action scenes but its sensitivity: this is the story of a man (Nicolas Cage), a woman named Mandy (Andrea Riseborough, her close-up laughing at macho BS the true face of this film) and the depths of his battling the demons of grief after his loved one is taken away. The late Johann Johannsson’s heavenly score uses synthesizers and heavy metal guitars to grip you from its opening text, and the film’s heavy use of color filters creates a dreamy atmosphere, which only gets kookier as “Mandy” becomes a straight-up hero odyssey with Cage battling phantasmagorical Jesus freaks. But the true beauty of “Mandy” is its intimacy; it’s as beautiful as looking into the eyes of your loved one as you both lie in bed, no one else existing in the world.

“Mandy” also features an unforgettable Nicolas Cage scene, in which he downs a whole bottle of vodka in a bathroom while standing in his underpants. He’s crying, howling, screaming. It epitomizes the appeal of one our greatest screen artists—that Cage is unafraid to tap into the absurd emotions we sometimes wish we could—and it pushes the surrealism of the scene to sincere and complete heartbreak. I’m placing “Mandy” in my proverbial “In Case of Loss, Break Glass” collection, right next to a copy of Philip Roth’s Everyman.

4. “Leave No Trace” 

I really love what my colleagues have written about Debra Granik’s story of a PTSD-afflicted father living off the grid with his young daughter, but one of my favorite qualities of this nearly pitch-perfect story is that it’s not what you think: it’s not about them living in the woods, but adapting to our society, a story that takes place after what only seems like the true narrative. The completely soulful performances from Ben Foster and Thomasin Harcourt McKenzie create a family dynamic you don’t want to see disturbed, and through small developments there’s a large unease that capitalism and technology could get in its way. Granik’s script, adapted with Anne Rossellini from Peter Rock’s book, has an incredible rhythm with its bare bones scenes, exploring the greatest of emotional stakes in the most deceptively simple way.

3. “Madeline’s Madeline”

In a sense, “Madeline’s Madeline” is a movie that was made for its debut lead, Helena Howard. You understand, about thirty seconds into the film, why Howard warrants her own project, and why a filmmaker like Josephine Decker would mix her own experimental and primal instincts with the talents of her future young star. “Madeline’s Madeline” is delightfully beyond words—describing it as a film about acting and actors is just scratching the surface—but it’s one of the most year’s most hypnotic movies, especially as Decker’s camera toys with point-of-view and takes an approach to editing that is unlike any other film from 2018.

2. “Shirkers” 

I spent much of my Sundance last January recommending to people a little documentary called “Shirkers,” and ramped up that practice when it came out on Netflix this past October. Believe the hype for this movie, which just took our #6 spot on the staff list, and is one of the few docs that has been making waves on #FilmTwitter. It’s both a celebration of and a mystery movie about the lost treasure of a film project that Tan directed as a teenager in 1990s Singapore with her friends, which then disappeared along with her pushy filmmaking mentor, an older white man named Georges, before the film was finished. “Shirkers” has Tan investigating what happened to the project and looking back at her life when she was a teenager making her cool-as-hell film that predates the style of "Ghost World" and Wes Anderson. Perhaps best of all, Tan shares with us the filmmaking daydreams, and the collaborating women, that fueled such an enigmatic passion project. 

1. “Hereditary”

I believe “If Beale Street Could Talk” director Barry Jenkins put it best when he once tweeted to “Hereditary” writer/director Ari Aster, “GIVE ME BACK MY PEACEFUL SLEEP,” followed by six crying emojis. Speaking as someone who has now seen Aster’s masterful debut five times (including an experimental, not recommended double feature at the theater with Fred Rogers doc “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”) I can only affirm the lasting power of “Hereditary” and its perfection as a modern American family tragedy that uses horror language in order to devastate its viewers. 

There are so many elements to cherish about the film, including its exact creepiness with slow-moving shots and deceptively long takes, a score by Colin Stetson that peacefully conjures the devil, and the way that while a first viewing may inspire one to watch it through their fingers, "Hereditary" only gets more disturbing with each viewing. And all of this for a horror film that’s about a household that doesn’t discuss trauma, or about a family plot that’s a highway to hell. Most importantly, however, is the emotional magnitude brought by the likes of Toni Collette, whose viciousness as the central mother can rival the terror of Joan Crawford proclaiming “No more wire hangers” in “Mommie Dearest,” and Alex Wolff, depicting the shattered, silenced nature of trauma. 

"Hereditary" is in the tradition of disturbing films like Kubrick’s “The Shining” or Zulawski’s “Possession"—it's equal parts terrifying and exhilarating, scarring a viewer with the emotional turmoil that's in the foreground. Aster's film messed me up in more ways than one in 2018, and it hurts so damn good. 

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