#Cooking Fail

[lttawnymadison]

"One-Pot Magic Transformation Surprise" by Xie Lian 

Use this one recipe for everything, and get a new surprise dish every time! Results are greatly improved if your supply of luck is good. But if it's not, don't give up! 

Directions: Chop up whatever vegetables, meats and spices you have on hand and throw them in a pot with some water, along with some grains if you have them. Turn on the stove and go away until there's smoke and/or a pungent aroma. Remove from heat, adjust as needed for hopefully increased palatability, and serve.  

Notes: 

Christening the finished dish with a creative name adds to the appeal. Xie Lian learned this from his mom!

Leftovers can be re-purposed as soup, stew, weapons, etc. 

[daily-hermit-fics]

Burning Passion

As an avian, Grian decided that his good deed of the day would be to cook dinner for him and Scar - after all, providing food was an act of true love!

Unfortunately… Grian had the cooking talent of a doorknob.

See, Scar was the cook in their relationship - he made the best pastries and had a good hand in savories too. And he always made food that Grian could eat - again, being a bird he had certain dietary restrictions.

“I’m home!” Scar trilled, walking through the doorway and hanging up his coat, slipping off his shoes. Grian panicked. “What’s the burning smell?”

“Absolutely nothing why don’t you go check on Scarland or something?” Grian asked, hysteria creeping into the bird’s voice.

“I was just there - Grian, did you try to cook again?” Scar walked into the kitchen where said man was flapping his wings, trying to put out the fire. From the oven there was a whole lot of smoke pouring, and the oven was on at the same time where there were some charred bits of what could have been food. The elf sighed.

“Okay, firstly, turn off the stove while I grab a water bucket.” There was the beep of the electric stove turning off while Scar filled a pail with water from the sink. He opened the oven door and splashed the contents over the smoke, it fizzled out violently.

“There was a fire too but I put it out, but then these things started burning and I panicked and-“ Grian said, rapid fire, and Scar swore he saw the silver of tears in his hazel eyes.

“No no no- you didn’t do anything wrong!” He wrapped an arm around the shorter’s shoulders and pulled him in for a hug.

“I just wanted to make something nice for you, but I can’t do anything right!” The muffled voice said.

“I appreciate the gesture. Don’t beat yourself up like that, you have other things you’re amazing at. And hey- you can cook. You make amazing sweet sesame rolls!”

“But that’s not dinner…”

“It doesn’t have to be dinner. Why don’t we go to Pearl’s house and have something with her - it’s too late to make anything now and she’s always got something ready.” Scar asked. “Or we could eat out somewhere else.”

Grian hesitated, then nodded.

“Don’t tell Pearl about it - I don’t want her to make fun of me.” He mumbled, again leaning into Scar.

“I won’t. Come on.”

[amethystsoda]

Gelatin Hell my beloathed 🤢

[bethanythebogwitch]

I have just completed what may be the worst attempt at making donuts in history. Burnt on the outside, raw on the inside, and I broke two utensils. Just an absolute failure all around.

[tiger-in-the-flightdeck]

Well, this was a bust...

[teaktty]

Is it just me that can fail at making porridge/oatmeal in the microwave?

I swear I'm a good cook, been cooking since I was 14. Microwaves though...

Now I'm all disheartened and have to clean up instead of eat. Booooo!

🤭

[bubbleslot]

Tried to drain my pasta and the strainer broke and spilled all of it into the FREAKING DRAIN

[thepandalion]

and today in "panda tries to cook without a proper recipe":

this is. supposed to be mac&cheese. yknow those easy ones where you put milk and pasta in a pot for 15 minutes and then add cheese and its nice and soft and creamy?

yeah uh. 1 cup pasta, 1 cup boiling water, 1 cup milk. took... about half an hour to simmer down to semi-edible levels. mixed in some cheese. cant really taste anything, its all like... vaguely cardboard flavored.

it has the texture of porridge and smells like sniffing glue. idk I should probably give it another try

[d7g0n]

So, if you’re ever cooking something and it’s taking a lot longer to cook than it usually does and is staying liquid and not firming up, don’t just keep cooking it.

You’ve probably forgotten an ingredient.

If you keep cooking it your apartment will be filled with smoke again and you’ll have to open both doors and the cold will get in and you’ll have to turn on the box fan to chase the smoke out and it’ll give you a headache because of the noise and the small and the cold.

[algerian-lady]

I tried baking yesterday's pie with grapes instead but that was an error 😔grapes are my fave fruit but I'll never look at them the same way now 🥺

[indelibleevidence]

Honestly, if there was a book about why food ingredients don't do the thing you expect when you put them in a recipe together, and whether there's a workaround to solve it without ruining the whole thing, I would read the fuck out of that. Like cooking CPR for a recipe you're in the process of killing. XD

Maybe it's because I grew up poor, but I feel like I don't have the room to try new things with cooking, because a likely result is 'disappointing and/or inedible', and that's a waste of food and energy. Add in the fact that I have to exclude gluten, and some food textures squick me, and things get even more complex.

[botto-b-bobbs]

Help I was making noodles and I mixed in some mozzarella and now it just looks and tastes like someone cummed on my noodles

[gpsmiley]

I uhm tried to make uh cookies

[mujhe-kya]

Tried making a cake from box mixture and later I found out that box mixture expired in October

I WANT TO SCREAM AND CRY AT THE SAME TIME

[lyranix1201]

SOMEONE PLEASE END MY SUFFERING 😭

I was home alone today so I thought it would be a great idea to make myself some food, but some how i manage to forget why I don't cook. The things that I went through today are things that I wouldn't even want to afflict on to my worst enemies.

HERE ARE ALL OF THE THINGS THAT WENT WRONG:

1. I burn the unions

2. I burn myself with the pasta sauce twice.

3. I dropped water on the floor, I almost slipped and fell.

4. I accidentally put to much pepper in the pasta sauce. It's spicy now.

5. I couldn't find the FUCKING CAN OPENER IN THIS FUCKING HOUSE TO OPEN OP THE GODDAMN TONA, so I grabbed a random knife and used it to open up the can, almost cut my fingers off.

6. I couldn't find the GOD FORSAKING CHEESE in this GODDAMN HOUSE. I eventually found it but.......... it was pitiful.

6. I burn my hand with the pasta water.

7. I had atleast 5 mental break downs well making this food.

8. I let a little bit of pasta fall on the floor.

9. I made a big mess and now I need to clean it all of it up.

10. I burn my tongue by trying to taste the pasta sauce.

Who ever is going to be my future lover I pray to God 🙏 you can cook, if you can't we are going to starve to death together, because I'm not cooking for shit, I WILL RATHER DIE. I should be banned from the kitchen because I'm a fire hazard and the definition of chaos. I think my cats can cook better than me. I give up, I'm never cooking again.

Atleast the food was edible.👩🏿‍🍳🍝

[abandoned-as-mustard]

I don't know how to make omelettes. When frying mushrooms, decided to fry an egg or two. On a whim, mixed it in. Oh no it's turning white. Add another egg. Add some tomatoes. Add milk. Keep accidentally adding balsamic vinegar instead of oil because the bottles are the same size. Now it looks like cat vomit.

Separately put on some rice with the intention of diluting it and keep the vomit on simmer. Hopefully splash in some Worcestershire sauce. Sample some. Oh no. Eventually give up, pluck out all the mushrooms and tomatoes with a tiny fork, rinse the whole thing, and place them back in a clean pan to fry on the highest setting.

Eat with rice, it now tastes like nicely charred vaguely egg flavoured mushrooms, and looks a lot better too.

I still don't know how to make omelettes.