#Co-Con

[doin-just-fine]

How it feels to be us.

For questioning systems, specifically those who do not fit the typical DID/OSDD criteria, this will be an in depth dive into how our brain works as we understand it right now!

Bellow is all of us, The Super Fine System. 🛸 DoinFine (23) is on top and from left to right is ☁️ Cloud (~22) , 🌾 Summer (24) and 🧸 Bean (~8).

This is how we "appear in the head space". Technically, we don't have a visual headspace and we don't literally see each other. For us it's kind of like wondering around a space with the light turned off but we all have psychic proximity so we can sense each other when we're in proximity to each other. Even more technically, only DoinFine has psychic proximity in this way and I🛸 don't actually know what everyone else experiences up here.

🛸 I am a front stuck host. It's like I'm plugged in to the front. We call it being stuck in the chair because it's an easy way to explain it but I don't actually feel stuck in a literal chair. I just sort of feel glued in place. I feel like I am the front. Some systems talk about a control panel. I feel like I am the control panel. All I can really do is experience the outside world, sense when someone else is close to the front with my psychic proximity, and imagine what certain events that unfold in my head look like visually to kind of help make sense of it.

🛸 The thing about being front stuck is that I can never leave so we don't have traditional amnesia. What we do have is difficulty with memory recall but usually we'll get there eventually with enough description from an outside party and Emotional Amnesia. The best way to describe Emotional Amnesia is as if you're rewatching a movie but now the movie has no sound and is in black and white. Or like you're watching the movie from way across the room and through really thick glass.

🛸 The other thing about being front stuck in such a permanent way is that no one else can fully front. They all have to through me. This is why I feel like the control panel sometimes is because everyone has to operate and filter through me. This turns Cloud, Summer, and Bean into this:

Here are the originals for comparison.

🛸 Like I said before I can't see anybody nor can I hear anybody. But through the psychic proximity I can feel them and I can feel their vibe, emotions, and if their close enough or "touching" me I can hear them. Example: making these picrews was me making them and doing what I think they'd like and then feeling their reaction. It's genuinely fascinating because I will add something that I think looks good and I'll pause and tune in and feel, especially from Cloud, the vibe of "No, I don't like that." and if I'm really not doing a good job I'll hear a "I would never wear that." I don't actually hear another voice it's more of a passing thought and opinion that very much differs from my own. Thats how we figured out what everyone looks like.

Back to the filtered versions of my head mates. Some systems would describe this as being blurry, blendy, or just co-con. We feel blendy would fit this best. we know for some systems, like our partner system, blended alters can be their own solid individuals with unique names, pronouns, thought, and feelings. However, this is not the case for all systems and definitely not for us. The level of blended changes based on how close the person is to DoinFine.

This was particularly hard to navigate at the beginning of realizing we were a system because everyone talks about switching in and out and we don't do that. This fed our denial spirals for a good long while.

DoinFine has only ever not be in the front maybe twice. Bean seems to be the only one able to boot DoinFine to passenger with ease and has only done it once. The other time Cloud was bonding with his friend in our partner's system and DoinFine consciously decided to try and "look around" the head space (still not sure how to translate that literally) to see if they could learn more info. Cloud is our gatekeeper though so they didn't learn much nor did they full achieve disconnect but Cloud found himself front stuck for a second. We think this only happened because he's never co-fronted before and didn't know how to leave.

After writing that here's some information we may have pieced together. The first level of "fronting": Bleed Over and and Passive Influence is what DoinFine gets from the other head mates on our average day. The second level of "fronting": As someone get close to the front the influence becomes stronger which turns it into being blendy. This when someone sits on the bench with DoinFine or, in Cloud's case, standing just behind it. We don't make it past here very often. This is also where we have to give a heads up to those around us incase unexpected mannerism come through. The third and final level of "fronting": is reaching Co-Fronting where DoinFine stops driving but is still up front and can let the other person "have a turn". Typically it will look like the other person is Fronting on their own. This usually because in these instances who ever is co-fronting usually wants their time to exist as a person.

With Cloud getting front stuck briefly, that was DoinFine consciously and willingly taking "a back seat". Bean still holds the title for being the only one of us to kick DoinFine out of the drivers seat and forcing a co-front without anyone realizing until it was already happening. It wasn't even on Cloud's radar that maybe the 8 year old could be that powerful in the front. He was watching the interaction and suddenly DoinFine and Bean had swapped places and he began to panic only a little bit.

When it comes to our internal communication we don't lol. We communicate by verbally talking out loud to each other. Other things we do is use apps to text to each other. DoinFine, psychic proximity only gets us so far. All though they are developing a new technique where they kind of vaguely think about a question or theorize about an answer and then they try to tune into Cloud who's almost always with in proximity and tries to gage his emotions to tell them the answer or if their theory is correct. We have found that Cloud does not mind revealing information in this way. He still won't reveal everything though. For example we were trying to figure out when everyone first appeared in the headspace, when we got to Cloud he wouldn't tell us obviously but DoinFine noticed that when they would try and guess his vibe and emotions would almost play like a hot and cold game. When we were too far back he would almost boast about how, "i've been here way before that" and when we were too far forward we could feel collectively that it wasn't right. We eventually narrowed it down to early on in our time on this earth but when we were starting to get too close to specifics Cloud stopped the game and wouldn't provide anymore information.

🛸 Though I can tune in to vibes, emotions, and sometimes thoughts I can't access anyone completely. I think It's Cloud and he keeps tight tabs on everyone, I can gather information about people as individuals but nothing about the headspace, how this place works, and if anyone else is around. Though this is frustrating I can feel Cloud and trust that his intentions are good despite his rude way of executing them. I can feel that he is very familiar with me, and he knows what I can handle and when I'm ready for it. He is very much an older brother type. And I do trust that I will learn things when I'm ready for them. I also get the sense that he doesn't know EVERYTHING like he says he does and sometimes he just doesn't have the information and pretends like he's just keeping it from me. As for what everyone else knows I can't get a read on them. Bean is rarely around and it flips back and forth for Summer whether or not she knows things that Cloud knows or is just as clueless as me. Only time will tell I guess. I hope this is helpful or at least interesting to someone.

I’ve been trying to map how we work for a year now and this is where I’m at. I'm sure this will all change as I grow more familiar with my new situation. But for now if anyone has any question feel free to ask them, we are more than happy to answer anything. Questions from other people help us figure stuff out for ourselves.

Remember, you are valid in you're experiences!!!

[saturns-emotes]

Left to right:

Gatekeeper

Joy-Bringer

Peacekeeper

Entertainer

Unknown Alter

Holder

Watcher

Co-Conscious

Co-Front

[hazedxhealing]

Not-so-friendly reminder that you cannot be a system without trauma.

Some more proof; done by me, a person living with DID.

This is not syscourse, this is fact.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness (DSM-5), a history of childhood abuse and neglect is prevalent in 90% of cases of dissociative identity disorder (DID). The remaining cases involve medical trauma, terrorism, and childhood prostitution. Ninety percent is overwhelming. Other research claims that rates of abuse and neglect in DID are actually much higher.

DID develops in response to severe, recurring trauma in childhood. Children are not fully equipped to cope with continued, severe instances of abuse, so they may develop dissociation as a survival skill, which can then develop into DID. It makes sense, then, that the rate of childhood abuse and neglect in people with DID is so high.

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/dissociativeliving/2016/04/the-undeniable-connection-between-did-and-child-abuse

The authors interviewed 102 individuals with clinical diagnoses of multiple personality disorder at four centres using the Dissociative Disorders Interview Schedule. The patients reported high rates of childhood trauma: 90.2% had been sexually abused, 82.4% physically abused, and 95.1% subjected to one or both forms of child abuse. Over 50% of subjects reported initial physical and sexual abuse before age five. The average duration of both types of abuse was ten years, and numerous different perpetrators were identified. Subjects were equally likely to be physically abused by their mothers or fathers. Sexual abusers were more often male than female, but a substantial amount of sexual abuse was perpetrated by mothers, female relatives, and other females. Multiple personality disorder appears to be a response to chronic trauma originating during a vulnerable period in childhood.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2044042/

Causes

The main cause of DID is believed to be severe and prolonged trauma experienced during childhood, including emotional, physical or sexual abuse.

The development of dissociative identity disorder is understood to be a result of several factors:

Recurrent episodes of severe physical, emotional or sexual abuse in childhood.

Absence of safe and nurturing resources to overwhelming abuse or trauma.

Ability to dissociate easily.

Development of a coping style that helped during distress and the use of splitting as a survival skill.

While abuse is frequently present, it cannot be assumed that family members were involved in the abuse.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the result of repeated or long-term childhood trauma, most frequently child abuse or neglect, that is often combined with disorganized attachment or other attachment disturbances. DID cannot form after ages 6-9 because individuals older than these ages have an integrated self identity and history. Trauma later in life can lead to posttraumatic stress disorder or complex posttraumatic stress disorder, other dissociative disorders including other specified dissociative disorder, somatic symptom disorders, or possibly borderline personality disorder, but DID requires an unintegrated mind to form.

https://did-research.org/origin/

Other helpful links!!

DSM-5 on DID and

A explanation of each DD

NAMIs fact sheet on DID

Please see this account for OP

A PDF research paper done on the link between DID and childhood abuse

My own multi-part research thread

A post about biomarkers in the brains of pw/OSDDID

[deceptive-danger-noodle]

Me, in front: Ah, alone time.

My Headmates for some reason: Is time to co-front? Time for co-con? Exist now??

[cringe-system]

why does everyones digital art look so nice!!!!!!?????? mine looks like ASS ugh FUCK

relearning how to draw is SHIT

[anotherpluralblog]

All 3 of us are conscious and going over after work plans coatl wants to knit while birb wants to watch a movie.

We really should fold our laundry and mop the floors but Im being overruled. At least I can probably get us in the shower first.

So much for a productive evening

-🌷

[starmoon-constellation]

As a plural system that writes constantly: this is soooo fucking true.

We have introjected most, if not all of our OCs. Even before true syscovery, we were just letting them take over the stories. It was better that way, felt less forced. Because it was.

Interestingly, we're also heavily steeped in writing practices. If we don't """worldbuild""" it, shit changes constantly. We *have* to write stuff down in the outerworld for even a slightest chance of whatever we're trying to get to solidify to do so. It's hilarious and frustrating at the same time xD

as a system who's been writing their whole life, I think some writers should consider that they're plural with the way they talk about their characters- because characters aren't actually supposed to take over the story, at least not in our experience, unless they're literally autonomous because they're a headmate/soulbond/whatever. if you're a good writer you keep your characters in-character so they would do whatever's in-character but the character shouldn't be deciding to do that, you're deciding that. there's a difference between knowing what a character will do because you know them well and having the character choose what to do themselves, you know?

[crunchchute]

My Sam & Max cosplay I debuted at a local con during the weekend!

[doin-just-fine]

What the brain doin?? PT. 6 of a questioning median system's journey

"Cloud's evening out"

Cloud fronted fronted for the first time a couple nights ago. This was the first time Cloud had been the dominant one fronting instead of myself.

I was hanging out with a member of my partner system who's basically an edgey rebellious teen, similar to Cloud. The goal that night was honestly for Cloud to just use me as the talking piece like usual. Cloud was already around because these two have hung out before but not formally, but Cloud liked the vibe last time and wanted to do a formal hang out at some point. So with him around I could tell that he definitely had influence over my emotions and certain attitudes but the power over that would fluctuate based on how interested Cloud was in what was happening. Like when me and our friend were just chatting about life and poking fun at each other Cloud was less interested in those conversations but if we switched to a topic that has been stressing out our trauma response Cloud would perk up and get closer because this was something he had big opinions about.

The music was right, the vibes were right, and all we needed was something that would make Cloud want to contribute to the vibe. We started talking about a situation that has been going on and our friend was airing out some grievances and Cloud wanted join in and talk about the stuff that been frustrating him about the situation. Once we started talking about the right stuff it felt like a smooth transition into being different. And thats accurate to how it felt, like me but different, in the weirdest way.

Like I said I'm always up front, and twice now I've ridden shotgun in the front this being the second time. With the little one I was still very much in control because they didn't seem to know what they were doing up front. But Cloud seems to know what he's doing up front so it was like I was just kinda waiting. Like when you're on a phone call with someone on speaker and someone else in the room starts talking to the person on the phone. Like it's your phone call and you're just kinda waiting for it to be your phone call again but currently someone else is using your phone call. I was kinda just waiting around for it to be my phone call again. I got to hear everything and be around for it all but didn't tune in too hard because it wasn't my phone call conversation to be apart of.

OBSERVATIONS: I will say there was a distinct difference in me being front holder and matching our friends energy and vibe VS Cloud being the front holder and just naturally having those vibes. When it was just me and our friend hanging out I would tune into myself to figure out how much of it was me and how much was Cloud. Like I said, Cloud had fluctuating influence over my attitude and emotions and I could make the distinction when it was just me, but when he was around that distinction went away.

Usually if I'm holding the front and someone is co-con, if I voice something for them and it mentions me in the 3rd person, saying it will feel weird. For most of my time questioning if I'm a median system, 3rd person language has felt weird because I'm always fronting. Not this time. This time I noticed that when Cloud would talk about me in the 3rd person it didn't feel weird to him.

I'm specifying that it didn't feel weird to him because I could feel myself farther back like how I usually experience my head-mates being around. Kinda there but just slightly next to you. I'm guessing I felt the my emotions distance through Cloud feeling them like how I usually do with him, and I could feel his feelings were more forward than my own. I could feel that to him referring to me in the 3rd person felt right but I could still feel myself finding it weird but it just felt duller and farther away.

Cloud could also tell that I was observing and "taking notes" everything that was happening and was actively making fun of me for it and got mildly annoyed about it because my observations were getting in the way of him being able to focus on hanging out. Because of this I couldn't take too many notes. The only other thing I noticed were the differences between myself and Cloud. My body language changed: I was really bouncy and couldn't sit still but he stuck with one position (to be fair he also gained a cat on his lap so). My opinions changed: I love cats and would have been thrilled to have a cat on my lap but Cloud was very neutral and if anything mildly annoyed by the cat (to be fair our friend we were hanging with is also like that so I'm not sure if Cloud was just copying behavior patterns to match their energy or not). My filter changed: When Cloud was out he had stronger opinions that I would typically try to keep to myself and deconstruct/questions before voicing them but Cloud would just say them. Use of phrases change: Phrases I typically would say would still be said out of habit almost but Cloud would notice that he would never actively choose to say those words in that order. He said something about needing to "spice up" his aesthetic and then actively hated that he just said spice up.

Once the hang out was deemed over we realized that I was trying to hard to observe and take notes on this experience and that I was kinda holding Cloud hostage because I wanted to keep taking notes making it really hard for him to leave. We decided that my partner would switch back in (because that alone would probably help) so they could help us switch out because not only was I holding Cloud hostage unintentionally, but he also expressed that he didn't know how to leave.

When my partner was out heres what I noticed: Cloud got shyer but tried to play it off. Saying "nice to meet you" didn't feel weird, and when my partner offered him to rest our head on their knee Cloud felt weird about it and chose not to. My partner switched the music to something more my style and Cloud really didn't like it and made fun of me for it.

I asked my partner what they thought/observed: They observed many of the things I mentioned here. They noticed that where I would normally push back with their alter in a teasing way on certain things they would say or do, Cloud would either make no comment or agree. I feel like that's in the same vain of Cloud having less of a filter. They were saying it was like a different version of myself where certain aspects of me were cranked up more. They mentioned that this is similar to their experiences with plurality.

Bonus observation: After I came back to being the front holder I could still feel Cloud really close by. I couldn't tell if it was just weird for us to actively think about switching instead of it happening subconsciously so he was like "caught on the chair" if you will or if it was that I was still holding him hostage a bit afterward. But we went to bed almost immediately after we switched around and I noticed that the next morning I could still feel Cloud being closer than usual. It didn't help that a hour after waking up, the situation that Cloud feels strongly about was stirred up some more, but that next day it felt really easy for him to slip in and I had to fight it off. Once my ADHD meds kicked in it got easier which was interesting.

AMNESIA: It's not like I don't remember the events that occurred while Cloud was holding front but it's like the memories are harder to recall. When I was discussing this with my partner they reminded me that our friend and Cloud agreed to hang out again when ever they could next and when reflecting on that it was from a 3rd person perspective. For me, only my old memories are in 3rd person POV. So for a fresh memory to be that way is weird. I also don't look like me in the memory but idk if that actually means anything.

I'm not sure what to make of this myself. I think I'm gonna try having Cloud hang around my partner who is very different personality wise and see how it effects or doesn't effect his behavior, as well as seeing if I can bring him out to the front like that by myself by finding other things that draws him out and not just talking about things that make him angry/protective. I will say if Cloud truly is a facet and not just me giving myself permission to feel and express specific negative emotions, he is very much a protector type. He pretends like he doesn't have opinions or that he doesn't care about anything but he does and when he does its intense. I also forgot my plan. I planned on trying to "turn around in the chair" the next time I was pushed to co-pilot instead of pilot and I totally forgot so we shall see next time, if I remember.

As always, Asks are welcome whether its questions, comments, or your own experience!!!

[hazedxhealing]

Reposting this again.

You wanna fake a serious mental health disorder, then at least have the decency to not use medical language.

Hey endos if your experiences are not medical then please stop using medical language. (System, alter, switch, introject)

[critter-of-habit]

So I met Jessica Madsen (Bridgerton's Cressida Cowper) on the weekend and she is now one of my favourite people 🥹

Got her autograph, sat in on her panel, and thanks to encouragement from a new friend I also went along to a special lil event and got to chat with Jess over dinner for 2 hours 🫠 It was her, Sam Phillips (who plays Lord Debling and is also a joy of a human) me and 7 other lovely folk.

They were both really relaxed and chatted openly about the show - both love the change to Michaela and that there will be more queer rep. They asked which order of Bridgerton siblings we thought the show would be going with and seemed really amused at our guesses (I dont know if they even know what the order is themselves, they were playing very coy about it 😅).

A highlight of the night tho was early on I mentioned that I had to drive 2 hours to get home afterwards, and didn't think she even heard me. But then when she was leaving she touched my shoulder and told me "drive safe!" And I just 🫠 - so sweet she remembered 😭

Anyway, I am now forever a Cressida defender, my girl can do no wrong and deserves the world

[trashydez]

phoenix saw him in that steel samurai cos and had to do a double take

(close ups under the cut!)

additions! goofy man. barok von zieks who? he rakes a hand thru his hair subconsciously to comfort himself cause his dad always ruffled his hair affectionately. leave him alone

and close ups of them! i am very uncomfortable with the idea of drawing the weird armour boobs on pink princess’ outfit so, yea, no. also im channelling my want to get another undercut into maya cause god i hate having long thing hair actually this country is WARM and HUMID gdi!!

[chanrizard]

Peekaboo @ fendi

[hazedxhealing]

Very not-so-friendly reminder ❤️

Not-so-friendly reminder that Endos are Ableist and Tulpas are racist. Have the day you deserve. ♡

[kiwistede]

Our Flag Means Death s2 stills - by Nicola Dove Photographer

[hazedxhealing]

Endos don't exist.

They have never existed, and probably never will exist.

You cannot have DID without trauma. You cannot dismiss medical science. There's God damn biomarkers being discovered for it in the brains of those who suffer from it.

LISTEN TO THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH THE DISORDER.

Sunni can laugh at it, Anna can roll her eyes, Shiloh can sigh and shrug their shoulders, but anti-endos refusing to read just really pisses me the fuck off.

I think it's the smug "we're so much smarter than those stupid endogenic fakers" energy that so many of them have and for this particular time the "just give us some sources proving you exist" thing on top of the refusing to read the sources we give that really grinds my gears.

If you can't be bothered to read sources we give you, QUIT ASKING FOR THEM.

Ye gods.