#CW:ABUSE

[whimsiandwild]

Pairing: Astarion x Female!reader; Former Gortash x Female!reader

Word Count: 1400

Triggers [PLEASE READ]: Mentions of past abuse, panic attacks, PTSD, verbal abuse, implied non-consensual, hurt/comfort, some fluff at the end.

A/N [PLEASE READ]: So, this is coming from a very personal place upon some revelations I've had today. It's heavy so please don't feel obligated to read it. And please, please don't read it if you are triggered by any of the above; I know how hard it is to deal with this stuff on a daily basis and never want to be the cause for anyone. To anyone who does read it, thank you <3

“Tav, are you alrighht? What’s wrong?”

Icy fingers on your shoulder made you jump, grabbing the offending limb and shoving it off. Spinning around, Astarion grabbed the top of your arms to still you. The concern on his face had never been more genuine.

“Darling, are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Your smile didn’t reach your eyes and he frowned, taking your hand in his and linking your fingers as he led the party into Wrym’s Rock. He knew something was wrong, and that it had something to do with the man you’d all been summoned by, he just didn’t know why. Gods, you’d always hoped you’d never have to tell him.

There had been telltale signs that he’d recognised as the two of you grew closer, similar things that occurred in him when a particularly awful memory of Cazador resurfaced. He’d asked about it, but you’d always told him it was nothing. Just a bad memory you didn’t need to dwell on. And you hadn’t, not really. Sure, the trauma attached was still there but you could handle it, you had for years. But then you’d seen him before the fight with Ketheric Thorm. A man you’d hoped to never see again, now being ordained archduke of Baldur’s Gate.

The guards showed you into the ceremony hall, your hand sweating in Astarion’s grip as you began the long walk down the aisle; it felt like a lifetime, a force beyond your control forcing your legs to move. You couldn’t look up, feeling bile rise in your throat as you stared at the carpet. Everything you’d worked so hard to forget was coming back to hit you full force. You wanted to hurl, and cry, and scream, and run away. Mostly, you wanted to hurt him. Hurt him the way he’d constantly hurt you, but you knew that was a line you’d never be able to cross.

“Well, well, well. Look what’s been dragged back into my home.”

Your legs almost gave out beneath you, his voice still as charming and alluring as ever, your free hand clinging to your vampire’s shirt sleeve. Astarion had become more than a little concerned by this point, Lae’zel and Gale flanking the two of you.

“Still as ignorant and disobedient as ever,” he scoffed, and you felt Astarion tense beside you, your grip only tightening in an attempt to keep him by your side. “Look at me when I’m speaking!”

Without a moment’s hesitation, your head snapped up and you were staring into the all too familiar eyes of Enver Gortash. Still handsome as ever, and with that vicious glint in his eyes that always occurred when he looked at you, at his property.

He’d been Enver Flymm when you’d first met him. He hadn’t been the most loving of partner’s, but he showed it… in his own way. Soon, however, he got lost. Then Enver Gortash was born. An abusive tyrant who had put you through hell until you’d finally managed to escape. You could still remember that nigt. The way your wrists had bled as you’d tried desperately to break free of your restraints, the painful swelling around your eye and the deep gashes along your legs. The scars seemed to flame against your skin at the memory.

You couldn’t speak. You couldn’t breathe. Why was breathing so hard? How was everyone so seemingly fine? Astarion was staring at you in bewilderment, worry etched into his furrowed brow. You didn’t know what to say, couldn’t think of the words to convey the fear that was threatening to bubble over any minute and make you run screaming.

“Your manners clearly need improvement,” Gortash sneered, his hard, cold gaze never leaving your cowering figure. “Now, it seems we all have some things to discuss, regarding all this ridiculous Absolute business. However, I have a ceremony to begin. You will stay and watch, won’t you, kitten?”

The use of the old pet name he’d used to degrade you was enough to finally break your resolve. Bursting into tears, the last thing you saw as your companions dragged you away was his smug, arrogant smile.

His hands were everywhere. You tugged at your hands but, as always, the bonds were tight and unbreakable. Panic began to flood your veins as he grabbed at you too tightly, bit too harshly, moved your body too roughly. And there was nothing you could do but lay there and let it happen.

“I don’t see why you’re being so difficult, kitten. You’re normally much more compliant.”

Tears leaked from the corners of your eyes and wet your hair, shaking your head in denial. He was lying, you knew he was, but it still caused the same guilt and shame to flare up it always did. He was always so good at making you believe you were the problem, the one who’d done wrong. He’d done it so many time you almost believed him.

With a sharp tug at both your knees, he spread your legs as wide as he could, the sudden jolt of pain shooting up your thighs making you cry out in agony. One hand freed a leg but you weren’t brave enough to move it back. He used his now free hand to run against your core, smirking as he glanced in satisfaction at the slick on his fingers.

“You filthy little bitch. All this protesting and you’re already dying to have me.”

“Enver,” you begged, your lip trembling as he towered over you suddenly. “Please don’t.”

“Shut up!” he shouted, making you flinch and look away. He gripped your chin and forced your tearful eyes to stare at him. “You’ll take it, and you’ll enjoy it.”

You struggled against him as he lined himself up, screaming as he entered you with no care in the world for your wellbeing…

The screaming got louder and louder to your ears until you realised you’d screamed yourself awake, along with your poor partner. Astarion was bewildered as his hands cupped your wet face in an attempt to calm you. You were panting by the time you’d realised you’d been dreaming, your heart close to breaking out of your chest.

“Darling, what happened? What’s wrong?”

“Oh gods… he…. he-!”

You sobbed into your hands, unable to finish your sentence as he cradled you, embracing you for however long you needed him to. Eventually your tears stopped falling, though the ache in your chest wouldn’t fade, no matter how hard you tried to rid yourself of it.

Astarion was more quiet and patient than you’d ever remembered seeing him. He was clearly deep in thought, and you didn’t want to disturb him. Instead, you wrapped yourself around him and enveloped yourself in every aspect that was him. He was your safe space, and you needed to relish in that right now.

���I have to ask, darling,” he said quietly after a long while. “This Gortash,” He all but spat the word. “Did he… did he treat you as Cazador treated me?”

Nodding, you buried your face into his chest as his grip on you tightened. You were relieved he hadn’t asked you to elaborate; you didn’t think you’d ever be able to speak out loud the horrendous things that man had done.

“Tav, please know this, and know it to be true,” His fingers tilted your chin so you were gazing into his liquid crimson eyes. “If he comes near you again, if he merely looks at you, I will rip him to pieces, revive him, and do it all over again. You never need to tell me details; I’m sure I can understand well enough; but know I’m here. I won’t let anyone hurt you like that ever again. I… I love you, darling.”

Breaking down, you let him hold you for the rest of the night, your head on his chest as he comforted you with words of love and soft touches. Sniffing, you dried your face, and sat up on your elbows, staring down at him.

“I… thank you, Astarion,” you whispered, pressing a hard kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

He said nothing, just flashing you that charming smile of his before he pulled you back to him, holding onto you like his livelihood may depend on it. You stayed like this for as long as time would allow, and you’d never felt safer.

[whumpadventureprompts]

Orders

Caretaker's hand tightens around Whumpee's wrist until they drop the knife.

"What do you think you're doing?" they demand.

"I broke a plate, so I have to be punished," says Whumpee tearfully.

Caretaker looks at the cuts across Whumpee's other arm. They didn't want to play this card, but this had to stop now. "Did I tell you to hurt yourself?" they shout.

"N-No."

"If I'd wanted you to do that, wouldn't I have told you to?"

"Y-Yes."

"If I don't tell you to hurt yourself, don't do it. Clear?"

"Yes, Master."

The word cuts Caretaker's heart the way the knife would have done, but it's better than the alternative. They let go of Whumpee. "Let's get those cuts cleaned up."

[feybeasts]

Fuck it, I’m on this now, so let ol’ Fey say this.

If you’ve been through hell like I have, if you’re hurt, if you’ve been abused, traumatized, if you’ve suffered losses both painful and unimaginable in their time, I want you to know two things from someone who is probably your elder, someone who is about a decade past those times, past that hurt, but lives with its scars:

One- It gets better. I promise. You just need to survive today, that’s all anyone has the right to ask of you. If you can’t handle a whole day, survive the next hour, the next minute, and then just each one after that. Survival is enough. I’m sorry I can’t just… hand out clarity and peace, take out a part of me and give it to you to make this easier. I wish I could, to the depths of my heart.

Two- and this is one you probably hear less, but I wish people had told me:

You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to be sad, to cry, to scream, hell, to find something you won’t miss and break it. You’re allowed to find your situation to be unfair and cruel and utter bullshit, because you know what? It is. You don’t deserve to be treated poorly, you are WORTH love, you are WORTH respect, and by god, you’re a wonderful person in a place and a time that sucks.

People who act like things should always be flowery and cheery and positive I’ve found are frequently people who haven’t been through that sort of situation, had to face down something so awful and unthinkable that it paralyzes them to their fucking bones. They might not see it, but when you’re struggling, that… whitewashing of faux-flowery positivity is bullshit. When you’re an animal in survival mode, you just need the tools to survive.

Once you’ve survived- and you WILL survive, I know you will- you can find your way back to happy. I promise that’s waiting for you too.

But let nobody take from you your claws, your fangs, your snarl or your howl. They’re there to protect you, and you hold onto them as long as they’re needed to get by.

[eightyuh]

got an ask regarding for Glen that straight up referenced an*mal ab*se. anon was blocked.

you can tease Glen but that was way too far. won't tolerate that kind of behavior.

[bb-fennelposting]

ay dios mio people have such rancid takes about squirrelflight its giving me an aneurysm

[ericas-spop-blog]

Metatext - Adora and Mind Control

(Apologies folks, this one is going to be kind of long and rambling).

While it’s mostly died down, I do still occasionally see people invoke the idea that in SPoP, Adora was magically mind-controlled by Shadow Weaver to justify why she was so okay with, eg, Shadow Weaver threatening to kill Catra for "disrespect” in the pilot.

And (a) No. Like, I can’t control what you put in your fanfics, but that’s just bullshit. If Adora was meant to be mind controlled in some supernatural way, the show would have told us. 

(b) I do understand where the idea comes from, but, well. Indulge me in a digression. Let’s talk adaptation history.

The 80′s Cartoon

For anyone who isn't aware: In the 80's cartoon, Adora is a Horde Captain, and thinks the Horde are the Good Guys because Shadow Weaver has been mind-controlling her since she was a bitty baby. Over the course of the TV movie/pilot the mind control is broken, the truth that the Evil Horde is Evil is revealed to her, and she joins the rebellion.

It's serviceable and fun, within the constraints of being an 80's Filmation cartoon.

But those constraints are why mind control is part of the story. Genre convention and broadcaster standards required that the Good Guys be unambiguously Good and the Bad Guys be objectively Bad. There is no space in that moral rubric for a Hero to have motives beyond a compulsion to "Do the Right Thing", or have a non-standards-compliant idea of what the “Right Thing” is.

So to have Adora start the story with the (obviously, objectively) Bad Guys, they needed a way to explain away A Good Person doing Evil Things; their answer was Magic Mind Control. Sure, Adora was the one walking and talking and leading enforcement gangs, but she’s not responsible, because the magic is forcing her to be like that.

Breaking the mind control is a bright line moment, in which Adora instantaneously transitions from being a Powerless Victim to being a Hero Who Does The Right Thing.

And this works as a metaphor, largely because Adora is the only character who explicitly grew up in the Horde. While 80s!Adora is an adult in-universe, she’s still intended as a surrogate for the child audience, and the conflicts she faces come through that frame. Children are dependant on their caregivers to filter and contextualize information, and sometimes those caregivers are shitty people who use that power to their own ends. Mind control isn’t a terrible analogy for that. It’s simplistic, but, you know. 80′s Filmation.

The SPoP Pilot Pitch

Again, if you haven’t seen it, there’s a “Story Bible” floating around that was the original pitch for the series. It’s a fascinating insight into how the sausage is made, but the relevant parts are:

Adora (and only Adora) is still Mind-Controlled into thinking the Horde are the good guys

Catra has been cast as, not just a fellow Force Captain(who is Bad and revels in that Badness), but as a childhood friend of Adora’s.

And that’s. Hrm.

It’s not bad per se, but putting these two idea together makes “mind-control” less an analogy for abuse and misinformation, and more a form of special pleading.

It says that while others raised in a bad environment will accept that badness as normal and acceptable, it would require supernatural compulsion to make Adora do the same.

And because that compulsion is supernatural and external, pitch!Adora is, once again, granted absolution. No matter what she did under the Horde, at the end of the day, it wasn’t her fault.

But while this was a central element of the original pitch, it was dropped at some point during the show’s development.

And that’s where it gets interesting.

2018 SPoP

In the show as aired, the below are still true:

Adora is still weirdly compliant, and treats the Horde as The Good Guys even when they’re being openly, indisputably awful in front of her

Catra is still her peer, still someone who has grown up in the same environment

But, in addition:

The metaphors for abuse have been replaced with actual mundane abuse

Adora is no longer the sole target of said abuse

SPoP!Adora is manipulated and lied to, yes; but she is not uniquely so. Catra knows no more than she does - she is, if anything, slightly more in the dark.

And yet Catra knows full damn well that she is being mistreated, that Shadow Weaver is petty, manipulative, and unfair.

So why doesn’t Adora?

=======

And this is where the great disconnect happens, where a segment of the audience demands an explanation, a revelation of the secret reason for Adora’s awful behaviour. Adora is The Hero, so she must be A Good Person! Why is the show messing this up?

=======

Which is a failure to understand that the lack of an answer is the answer.

The show fails to grant Adora absolution because there is none to be had. There is no excuse, no trick, no double-top-secret easter egg buried in the background that explains how Adora could not have known, that she was but an innocent babe compelled by forces beyond her control.

SPoP!Adora never gets a bright-line moment of transition between helpless thrall and agency-imbued hero because there was no transition to make.

Adora was abused, yes. She was manipulated, and lied to, and hurt. But for all the power Shadow Weaver had over her, all the pressures applied, she was never mind-controlled. From start to finish, from the earliest flashback to her dreams of a better future, Adora’s agency and her choices - all of them, good and bad - were ultimately wholly her own.

[here-to-cause-suffering]

Major OK KO spoilers below! (Screencap edits of Carl and Let's Fight To The End) as well as future spoilers for the @echo-ko ask blog

Warnings: mentions of abuse, manipulation, being trapped in space, starvation

Sometimes I just like to think about a very specific scene in my Echo!AU— it takes place a little bit after their version of Carl, which landed them on another planet (the name of which is currently unknown— as well as the name of their species, those parts of the au are still wips!)

Their version of Carl has KO ending up on the planet with "Professor Venomous", and a similar conversation to canon happens— but it's revealed that this is really Shadowy Venomous (with a significant influence from Shadowy Figure) and that they're not going him anytime soon. That's what causes TKO to come out of the subconscious— on a whole new planet.

The planet itself is peaceful, and they usually have someone outside playing some quiet form of music— constantly producing sound waves for them to use for their echolocation. There's very few signs, but any sign they have is engraved in multiple spots— including the ground— so it won't be missed. They can visibly be read by those who can see, but for most of them they can be felt clearly. (A playlist of songs with a similar vibe can be found here on Spotify!)

It's specifically a scene that happens after several months of TKO being stuck there with Shadowy. It takes place at night, with Echo!TKO sitting in a dark, nearly empty bedroom that contains only a bed and a desk for furniture. It's hard to make out but he's bruised and dirty, and his wing is freshly wrapped up and in the wing equivalent of a sling. He's barely awake. His finger's run across a booklets pages, as he's trying to memorize the language and it's rules.

He's exhausted, he's injured and cob he's hungry— he wasn't fed that day— and doesn't know if he'll be fed the next day either. But he keeps going, scared to fail. Scared to be punished. And eventually, he ends up passing out at his desk. This happens frequently. No one knows where he is. No one can come save him. Not untill they go back to Earth on their own— but at that point, he's been too manipulated to really believe he's being abused. I can't wait to do an ask blog event on @echo-ko for this scene!

[puzzleshipping-library]

Hi! I hope you're still accepting fic recs? I got one but it's quite different, and it's Monarchshipping. Hopefully it's relevant to bring here! ❤️

link: https:// www.fanfiction. net/s/13034947/1/ Pharaonic-Internship

I have to preface that this fic isn't for the faint of heart. It deals with dark subjects (sexual assault being quite major) and is often a fic that hits you as much as it gives you hope. Yami essentially got trapped in a contract with the undead Pharoah Atem, who was promised a wife for his sacrifice in saving Egypt. Cue Yami being the wife and uh, not great things happening to him.

What I love about this though was that this fic horrified me as much as it fascinated me. Atem's a full asshole and isn't above manipulating his new wife, but Yami's also depicted as a strong induvidual who just has the shittiest luck imaginable. You get moments of hope and despair that make you really root for Yami, but also moments where you really, really want to punch Atem in the face. Essentially, if you can stomach the bad parts, then you're at least in for a wild ride.

I am always accepting recs!! Thank you for this, monarchshipping always needs more representation!

[sunrisereadings]

I had a good night reading Tennyson and drinking Primitivo but then my abusive ex sent me a message on insta. Now I’m going to spend the night trying to regulate myself again. 

[whumpadventureprompts]

Rules

"I just… I just want to know what the rules are," says Whumpee.

Caretaker shakes their head, trying not to get frustrated. "I'm not Whumper; I'm not going to make rules and punish you for breaking them. You're free now."

Whumpee doesn't look convinced.

Caretaker sighs, rubbing their eyes. "OK, fine, if you want rules so bad I'll give you some: You're to get as much rest as you need, eat three square meals a day, and tell me if you need help or space or anything else. OK? And if you don't I'll… I'll look sad at you."

[eightyuh]

i'm so sorry you had to deal with that! i swear some people need help-

ty lol. like … u can be weird guys but maybe don’t describe in detail how u would inhumanely k*ll a small animal and then liken it to my OC….?? too far.

[dearest-painter]

Platonic yandere Miguel x teenager spider-person reader

Reader is like a stubborn person, and likes to put themselves in dangerous situations If it means they can save someone from it, and Miguel doesn't like that, and thinks reader is gonna get themselves killed

I GOT YOU BROSKI!

TW/CW:Abusive behavior,abusive relationship, unhealthy behavior, unhealthy relationship,Yandere behavior,Reader should logically be dead with the amount of dangerous situations their in,Miguel is overprotective x100,Reader is mentioned to be BFFS with Peter B,Tell me if I need to add more

-Miguel hates when you come back to HQ all bruised and injured after being in dangerous situations

-He’s tried to get you to stop but your stubbornness is so annoying! You never listen to him even though he’s the adult and knows better then you! Your just a teenager whose still learning!

-Miguel can get a break of someways when he sees you with Peter B and mayday, he finds it cute when you and mayday play. He just gets jealous with the fact you listen to Peter B and not him

-He has thought of doing something to make you not be a spider person but then that would affect the canon events and also the multi-verse so he just lets you

-He does have a tracker on you because he wants to make sure he knows where you’ll be at all times. Also let’s him find you when your hiding from him

-He’s seen you rush and hold up a building just for the people can escape, you were close to being squashed if you didn’t let go of it in time. He knows you’d do anything to protect others but he doesn’t want you dead

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME!?”

[notalostcausejustyet]

CW:abuse/DV

Sooooo, uh. I thought I was doing better. After the whole step father kerfuffle last week. I had a really bad day and then I shoved everything back in the safe and slammed that fucker shut. And then a random post took my knees out again. And I’m hanging on to not having another damned flashback by the skin of my teeth. So I wrote about it. Because apparently there is four decades of pain and rage in the clench of my jaw that refuses to go back into its tidy box. Have some angst poetry. Sorry.

Consecration

Heartsore and bleeding

An open wound

This gaping maw that will not heal

You haunt me

My body was a temple

Profaned by your prophets

Desecrated under your ministry

You worshipped

At the altar of my indignity

Hymns written in pain

Blue black scriptures on skin

Scraped out of all divinity

A hollow shell

From hallowed ground

I am not what you made of me

An apostate

Your cruelty did not consecrate me

I am what I choose

Disavowed

Holy

[sayuri-of-the-valley]

That's a great way to put it. I'd also like to add that a character grows from his trauma despite it happening.

We see ppl fighting after trauma in stories bc well, trauma does happen irl and stories mirror reality, we need the inspiration, we need to know it's possible (bc it is!). But that character would develop and grow regardless. If anything, sometimes trauma and suffering staggers a person's life until they can move on (and it's debatable if we ever move on completely but that's not the point here). And that's completely ok btw. Be gentle with yourselves.

I think some ppl confuse the message of "you can grow after trauma, there's life after all this suffering, keep going, there's light ahead" with "trauma and suffering are what makes you grow". Trauma doesn't make you grow. What makes you grow is you.

Can we please stop demanding that Aziraphale denounce his ab*sers, as though if he doesn't that means he agrees with them? Can we please stop acting like he needs to make some kind of formal renunciation of the people who terrorized him? (We know he doesn't agree with their policies and finds ways not to go along with their evil deeds when they try to force him to. And we certainly know he doesn't like the way we treat him.)

And still more, can we please stop acting like he needs to have some kind of excruciating mental or emotional crisis? Lord knows he's suffered enough. (Or possibly She doesn't know that, if She's off in some distant galaxy or having a really long nap or something. Lol.)

If someone makes you say something with a gun to your head, people should give you the benefit of the doubt of assuming you didn't actually mean it. You shouldn't be obligated to denounce it afterward.

And you certainly shouldn't have to suffer for it.

[voidwritesstuff]

The Stars have names.

(Part 1) A/N: this is a proof of concept for an original series of mine.Originally it was going to be a youtube series, but after writing this im not sure if thats the format i want to go with. Anyway,ill post this here and be done with breaking the immersion (if everything goes well, I'll post the other parts) Cw:abusive household, abusive parents, cults,body horror,religious imagery and pregnancy imagery.

>reblogs appreciated and encouraged.

I don't know if posting this here is a good idea, but I've realized I'm only putting people in more danger if I keep this to myself. My name isn't important,I know I’ll join them eventually, and by then I will have lost my sense of self. But let's get the main bits of information on the table. I’ve known my friend Orion for most of my life, he is originally from the town of Cometa, to this day he’s never told me where this town is,but I get the feeling I'll find out soon enough. 

That should've been the first red flag. One I never recognized until recently.

The second red flag was a little more subtle. He's always been enthusiastic about sharing his knowledge of space,it was his special interest and I always listened because I wanted to be a good friend. It was the way he spoke about it though,there was a casual, almost personal tone to the way he talked about stars, but especially about the planets.

“I know you’ll think it's silly, but they have real names. Not the ones we gave them, Venus,mars,saturn…It's hard to explain,My mom’s better at it but she isn't allowed to talk about it”

When I asked why she wasn't allowed to talk about it, Orion would shrug and say it was “grown up stuff” and he stopped mentioning it as we grew older.I didn't notice it when we were teenagers, I thought he had “grown out” of it somehow.

How wrong i was. How so very wrong I was.

I was supposed to go to Cometa town next summer, Orion was spending the holidays with me and my family, and before he left he had given me one of many manuscripts from the church his town has. I told him I wasn't interested in religion,but he begged me to read them, and I wanted to be a good friend- He's heard me ramble about every single character I found hot many times throughout our friendship,so I figured I could give in and read it.

After all, it's just religious text, isn't it? I remember sitting down one morning,we were snowed in and the sky was dark- I’ve never seen clouds so thick… And yet somehow one single ray of sunlight spilt into my room. It was unusually warm when I extended my hand towards it, and just as I was about to begin reading the lights went out.

Didn't think too much of it, it snowed like crazy, so there I went to sit on the sunny spot in my room for some proper light. The shadows seemed so much darker then, but I just took it as my eyes getting used to the ridiculous amount of light I was being exposed to. 

Isn't it crazy how much we deny odd things that happen to us? The text started as any religious text often does,with a long shpeel of poetic words, but then it turned into a journal. There are no dates, so god only knows when this happened-But it does seem quite modern for…Well you’ll see. I’ve also gone and added numbers to each part, it was hard when I first read it- and hey if you're going to go down a spiral of madness then at least I'll leave some road signs,I'm on my way out anyway. Consider this red flag number three, and your one and only warning to stop.

“ 

Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

Tale of Mother Sun. 

The stars have names

Not ones that mortals can utter.

Not in any language that you may speak or invent.

For these gods,us your makers, speak in tongues of divine creation,

destruction, light and darkness, that which lies beyond your minds

Broken from the ties of the planets that birthed us.

You behold my light,the one of your mother.

Of the supernova that gave birth to humans.And may the Harvester, though forgotten in time, 

come to reap your souls.

Only then shall you know the names of your gods. 

It may not look like it

But we have a plan for you.

[Entry 1] I had that dream again. I was floating in darkness for hours,days,millenia…There was nothing around me- I knew there wasn't anything for miles and miles. And then…light. Blinding light,searing heat that oddly enough didn't hurt my skin.

 I could only see things zooming past me, I could feel eons going by in the blink of an eye.

The darkness wasn't empty anymore,there were thousands upon thousands of little lights.I realized then, i was in space. But I didn't feel cold, I didn't lack oxygen. 

In a way, i breathed with the universe. I could feel the pulse of supernovas, of black holes eating and eating the darkness and turning it into,or taking it into, something I couldn't comprehend or fathom to.

Frozen in time, I couldn't move back or forth, to and fro, I simply floated and watched the existence around me begin to circle me. 

Yet it wasnt me,not me specifically. I turned to look behind me, because before me there was nothing- Like a sunflower bending to the light above.

And i woke up. 

The therapist said moving would help,that Cometa Town was perfect for someone like me. I want to trust Dawn’s word, she lived there most of her life before moving to Argentina. I guess she outgrew that town,i can relate to that

 Dawn had also said that these dreams meant that I was too stressed, feeling like the world was coming undone around me. And she wasn't wrong, after that fight with my dad i couldn't stand being around him. Piece of shit.I don't understand why my mom still thinks I should make up with him. I don't understand how she can still forgive him even after everything, he threw eggs at our door,he had threatened to beat up his parents,my grandparents, and back when they were still together he would argue with her until she couldn't stomach it anymore and puke.

I don't want to end up like her, compelled to forgive and live beside someone who has sucked away all life from me just because I seek acceptance.

Mom promised that Cometa town is nice,and i trust her word,or i try to- But i know she wouldn't’ve moved so far away,countries away, if this town did not speak spanish,she never puts in the effort to do something difficult.

Lord knows there are days where she makes me feel like a burden,every time i talk to her it feels like she’s ignoring me. All the praise I get usually are just one worded responses,an adjective she throws at me without looking up from her phone…

And as much as I try to hate her,I can't. In a way she’s still my mother, I spent months in her stomach,growing. It makes me wonder if I had not been born a month before I was supposed to,would she pay attention to me? Of course it’s a silly claim,but almost after twenty years of being left aside, I’m starting to grasp at straws.

I guess Dawn was right,I need to get some fresh air-I doubt i’ll get a break anyway, i still don't have enough money to move away. Still, here I go. Goodbye Argentina,Hello Cometa.

[Entry 2]

I fell asleep on the plane,no dreams, only peaceful rest… But I have to admit that it felt odd,like a part of me was missing. I felt so cold when I woke up,I usually feel cozy. Maybe it's just the AC of the plane…

Either way,I called dibs on the seat next to the window. I can see the clouds. It gives me vertigo, but in a fun way-Like I could be flying through the clouds like i was the sun… That image gave me peace, hope. It makes me excited to get to my new home,hang up all my posters and paraphernalia. 

I may even find a group of people to play D&D with on the weekends…

Maybe this extreme move is going to help.

[Entry 3] Cometa town is so pretty, gardens and gardens of flowers,there are parks with weekly fairs! It's good to know mom will have a place to sell her clothes, and I won't go hungry. I understand now why the therapist recommended this place- Aside from having a university of arts (with a career in film, How lucky!) And it has a cool name too: “Cosmos University of the Arts”.

 i will miss Dawn though- maybe i can find a replacement here? I don't know if it'll be the same…fingers crossed? Oh! and The sunset here was just as beautiful too, i can actually see the stars here. I begged my mom to eat dinner outside by the sunflower garden we have and she accepted. No TV,no background sound,just me and her…it's nice.

It would be nicer if she didn't call me by my deadname,though. I’ve told her plenty of times I go by Nova now, but hey- she still doesn't believe im bi,let alone accept I change my pronouns often, so maybe i'm just asking her for the wrong things.

But a new home,a new place, the same old sky… Maybe I should keep that in mind instead.

[Entry 4] Well, the dream came back.

But it's longer now, different. 

I saw that same darkness, that same explosion of light, but now when I turned I saw the sun (I expected it,it's the only thing that made sense). I expected the light to burn my eyes, but it didn't. Dream logic? I don't know.

Aside from actually being able to see what's behind me,I noticed something there, growing. Like a seed, looking for something,writhing. The sun was only a shell for whatever was growing in there. Yknow what it reminded me of? A baby, growing in the womb of her mother,kicking and feeling out the warm home she finds herself in. There was no better place for her, I was sure of it, I could almost picture what she looked like. 

Body made of divine light, elegant hands that have the opportunity to create,to destroy, I dare say even…artistic. The art of bringing beautiful things to life, the willpower to destroy the imperfections,the mistakes, even if it means throwing out a whole art piece and start from scratch

She's adorned with pure gold that glimmers like endless stars, clothes made of the softest fabrics the world could offer.

Yet..i couldn't see her face, it was either hidden from view or just consuming my whole range of sight. 

massive, she was massive, and i was about the size of a vein.

I saw her,whatever she was, take me in her hands and lay me to rest on her chest. I beat her heartbeat, I ate of her blood…it gave me such a rush. I felt..unstoppable, I felt myself breaking out of the shell I forced myself into just so I wouldn't get into trouble,that I would not be hit with my mother’s glare of disappointment that I don't fit her standards for “Being born a woman”.

When I woke up I felt…dizzy, I felt something churning in my stomach,my forehead felt too warm and it throbbed in a way that made me light headed,the sunlight that was falling on my face had this sparkle to it. 

Mom came over to ask me if I was alright,it was probably around mid-day when I woke up,which meant that lunch would be done soon and that she was waiting for me. I told her I felt ill and I wondered what had I eaten the night before for me to feel like my body was organizing a mutiny against me. And then I turned to my nightstand, saw my sketchbook opened and stained with chocolate from the wrapper I had tossed on it carelessly the night before.

. . . I need to stop eating sweets before going to bed.

[entry 5]

The dream’s been on my mind as of late, so I've tried to push it to the side by signing up for Cometa town’s university. I thought the bureaucracy was going to be endless,thankfully it wasn't- It was quite easy honestly, just asked for my personal data like name,birth date, ID and the like, it even had a “Preferred name” box i could fill up- It made me happy to know i wouldn't have to use my deadname. 

Aside from that I've tried to distract myself by walking around the town, it has a very low crime rate so my mom’s not worried about letting me wander off. It's a nice change from the constant fear of being robbed i had back in Argentina, doesn't mean I don't miss my home though. I miss it terribly,but there's not much I can do but to wait for winter break to visit them again (well,it's winter break for the town- back home it's a ripe,ripe summer. I'll be cooking my ass off while the town lives it up in the snow,lucky)

But back to the walk i took, i wrote down a few places i’d like to visit next time The mall (obviously, it has a bunch of stores,fast food restaurants and even an observatory- I’d say it's a weird addition to the mall but i don't complain, i really like seeing the stars), Also the parks it has to offer, the town center and the one thing that caught my attention  the most was this church- I wouldn't know the exact architecture style, but its grand,well decorated and so,so tall and old. I think I saw a telescope peeking out from one of the windows in the main tower. 

Hopefully I can visit it soon? Maybe tomorrow will be fun. 

[entry 6] After lunch I went to the church, the place was mostly empty (i figured, i mean i did go right after i finished eating lunch) and honestly it made it all the more personal. Hell,even the priest wasn't there roaming around and doing whatever priests do.

But I did meet someone there, they had male features, a chiseled face, olive eyes and pretty reddish brown skin. They were dressed in goth clothes (and fashionably so) so it didn't surprise me to see them at the church.

 And in my ogling I noticed their jacket was packed full of patches, I could see the one on the right side of his arm, it read “Still a planet” With an embroidered image of Pluto. I couldn't help but snicker at it They introduced themself as Callum,they looked at me like I was some sort of long lost friend  and asked me if I was new around town. I told them that I was and that I had moved in just a few days ago. I could notice the slight hispanic accent in their voice and I asked them if they spoke any Spanish, they said yes and we got to talking in my mother tongue. 

It made me happy to know they liked my vest, I couldn't help but think that a punk and a goth went hand in hand. Both appeal to the darker side of the world, for them it was the macabre,the things that go bump in the night. And for me, it was all about how the system was always against you,how the world seems to orchestrate in a way that no matter what you do, you’ll always be on the wrong side of things. Damned if you do,damned if you don’t.

Callum was fun to talk to,I appreciated that since I haven't been able to meet my neighbors yet. I mean I just got here,but I wish I had someone else to talk to that isn’t my mom or includes me sending a text to my friends back in Argentina. 

Here's one of the conversations I had with my new “Acquaintance”  (translated from english to spanish to keep my privacy. wouldn't be surprised if i left it open some day and my mom reads it out of curiosity):

“So..Why visit the church of all places?” they had asked me as we entered the large cathedral

“Well just getting to see the town really, but i saw it and i knew i had to enter and at least take a peek- I like making art, and i was hoping to draw some of the things around the place” “You make art? that's cool” They smiled with this child-like excitement “I make murals, i go to the university here” “Dude no way,I signed up for the studies in film career!”

“Then we’ll see each other more often, that's good” We introduced each other properly then, they told me about their family and I told them why i moved away- I skipped a few details because i couldn't exactly just drop the fact that i had to move because my father was a manipulative piece of shit. 

When we got to the altar section, I hadn't noticed until then that the Vitraux behind the pedestal were not of God or Jesus, instead they were of these massive beings of cosmic light. 

And right in front of me was her.

Being of divine light, hands extended towards me, holding the world in their palms, her face got lost in the bright burst of light portrayed on the glass. Shades of red,orange and yellow spilled across my face and in my half blinded state I could swear I saw bright eyes staring back at me. It made me jump back out of reflex, i blinked the light away and turned to see if Callum had seen me embarrass myself like that- 

But they weren't. 

They were staring at another vitraux, a being of pure darkness and ice, candles of blue flame serving as shoulder pieces with their melted wax with gold jewelry over its shroud. And in the center of their chest,like a ribcage, stood the alchemical symbol for Pluto. Underneath it was a simple plaque that read “The Harvester” It gave me the idea to see the plaque beside it, “Father moon”. Above it stood a vitraux of a male figure with a shawl of stars, a crown of night and time on his bursting face of moonlight. He was holding his hands close to his chest where the alchemical symbol for the moon stood carved in pale gray as he grasped an old sun clock.

Out of curiosity I looked back at the one in front of me, I could still see The Harvester and Father Moon in the corner of my left eye. The plaque underneath the divine lady of sunlight read “Mother Sun”

“You’ve seen ‘em too?” Callum asked out of nowhere, I jumped from my spot as if I was broken from a trance. They looked at me with what seemed like fear and utter dread.

“Excuse you?” They pointed at the vitraux i was looking at “Her,You've seen her” With how they looked at me, i knew lying wouldn't do me any good “Yeah” I Had replied with a slight tremble in my voice “I have” My eyes couldn't meet theirs, I was too ashamed and startled. In my avoidance I noticed that Callum’s jacket had an embroidered patch of Mictecacihuatl, the lady of the dead in Aztec mythology.

“How?” they asked,sounding adamant that they get an answer.

“dreams, you?” something in me pushed me to answer,even if i felt like their question was a little too weird and out of pocket “same” 

I blinked at the sordid nature of it. How could I dream of something that I have never seen before? But before I could question that bitch of an existential crisis,We heard shuffling steps from behind us, we turned to see a priest- Old,old man with a wrinkled face, dark black eyes that gleamed with..satisfaction? “May I help you with something?” The old man asked, His voice raspy and with a warmth that felt too unnatural- Like he's trying to overcompensate. I raised my brows in surprise,his voice sounding so familiar, like I heard it in a distant dream.

“No” Callum sounded harsh, they took my bicep and began tugging me along out of the Church,but before they left my sight i read the two other plaques beside Mother sun: “Sister star” and “The Oracle” They didn't speak a word until we were well away from the church, they sat me down at a bench and looked at me like somebody had died. 

“I thought there was enough of us already” They whispered, afraid that the trees would grow ears and listen “What?” “There's 3 more others just like you, like us.-Probably more” “Callum, you're not making any sense” “Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names”[entry 7] I came back home late after that, Callum insisted on walking me home and we did so in silence. It felt uncomfortable, like the lack of literally any spoken word was digging under my skin and getting into my bone marrow,expanding it uncomfortably. 

Before our weird ass conversation,I actually got along with Callum, like i’ve known them all my life or even well before that…It was odd but..comforting.They’re the first friend i've made since moving here.

They bid me goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, I didn't think too much of it since it's a common way to greet each other back in Argentina- Us latinos are a mixed bag of customs after all. 

As soon as I stepped in, My mom was up in arms about where I had been. She was cooking as she yelled at me for being out so late, I told her she needed to calm down and I reminded her about how Cometa town had almost no crime rate. 

She glared at me and told me i was just as irresponsible as my father, it made me so angry, it scorched me that she would compare me to my dad, only to turn around and tell me i should make peace with him- She still somehow believed that it was my fault that i fought with him, and not that he looked at me in the eye and said “You're the worst daughter a father could ask for”. It was a petty argument, i don't remember what we were fighting about anymore, In that moment,rage blinded me and I just wanted her to hurt, and before I could wallow my rage,she yelped and jumped away from the oven.She had burnt herself with the flame of the stove.

After that i went to my room, i was so mad and so,so tired. I am exhausted from having to dance on the edge of being a golden child and a scapegoat martyr. I would never be enough for her, and that was starting to dawn on me. 

I get that she was worried,that she feared something happened to me- But there are better ways to say so. It makes me sad she never seems to treat me like an actual human.

[Entry 8] I fell asleep as soon as I went to bed.I had consciously forgotten about Callum’s explanation, but a part of me didn't.

As i drifted endlessly on the edge of sleep, i remembered everything my new “Friend” had told me

“ Listen to me,Nova. The stars have names. Not the ones we gave them,Venus,Saturn,pluto. None of that bullshit. They are gods, born from the planets we know, they're only shells of shattered womb,they have no life in them.” “But there's life on earth” I had said “Because they needed a place for their servants to live. Thats us” “And why should I trust your words?” Callum seemed a little amused at my flabbergasted expression

They scoffed before continuing to talk “The whole town is in on it. They are a cult,im sure of it” “How do you even know this stuff?” “I moved here three years ago, my family and I had been practically chased off from our home in Mexico. The bosses of my parents had fired them, I suddenly became the worst student in my school and got kicked out. My buddy Byeol and Archie had been offered a scholarship to the university of this town- This very public university.  A scholarship.” they made a pause to steady themself, it felt like they were just word vomiting right now. “Did nothing weird happen to you before you came here?” They continued with a slight anger to them, not directed at me but at whatever was supposedly tugging the strings of this weird cultish plot. “Nothing that feels too much like a coincidence?” I remembered how Dawn had been raised here, how she said the homes here were really cheap,especially to immigrants.Something about a benefit from the state. At the time I doubted it, this country is as capitalist as it gets-Not to mention its clear distaste for non natives. But then we checked and it was an actual thing,so I didn't think too much of it since I just figured my biases had gotten the better of me. 

“How do you know this?” I asked.

“I know this because I saw it. In my dreams” They raised a finger before I could manage to retort “Let me ask you this, have you heard of any of the gods we saw at the church?” “No,but it could be a niche religion” “Okay then,what about your dreams?” Truth is I was ready to jump on the conspiracy bandwagon,Too soon? maybe. But my mind was looking for a reason to doubt all these good things in my life, a part of me wouldn’t let me accept the nice things that came to me. There is a reason I go to therapy after all.

“see?” Callum added,taking my silence as the answer they needed. “Why would you tell me this?” “Because you're the missing piece. I told you there’s more of us, my friends all had dreams with the gods we saw back there”They answered “I could see you were staring at Mother Sun, so that must be who you see in your dreams, am i mistaken?”I shook my head. “I don't know what they're planning”they continued,sure there was something else unraveling, “i don't know why they want us but it can't be good. This town is too perfect, it makes me sick. Nothing good can come from this,i can just feel it”

I sat there in silence and looked at the floor. I didn't know if I could believe them.A cult? really? And why was I the missing piece? “Then why don’t you leave” “We have nowhere to go, all the times I’ve tried to convince my family to get out something big like a promotion would happen and suddenly my word wasn’t enough”

My heart sank to my feet. ‘No matter what you do, the game is always rigged ’ I thought. “And you haven’t told them about all this?” “I did, but they say that it’s just a product of how our leave from Mexico unfolded”

They say that when you wear rose colored glasses,all red flags are just..flags. Me included, I felt like their whole speech just now was the ramblings of a madman. But they had just enough credibility to them that it made it hard for me to fully reject it.

I sat there in silence for a while,processing everything I had been told. I don’t know if Callum was staring at me,I completely zoned out for a few good minutes. All I could see was that goddess,I could feel her tugging at me somehow,she was eager. A sigh made me snap out of my thoughts, I looked up to see my companion’s face and for a moment I swear they looked incredibly gaunt “Sorry,I know it's a lot to dump on you” they had said with a soft voice and a meek look in their eyes.

“thats the understatement of the fucking century” They scoffed and offered to walk me home as compensation for the wild ride. They also gave me their phone number just in case.

And truth be told I was ready to leave it all behind and make a mental note to never talk to Callum again.

But then I had to fall asleep.

I found myself in the dark expanse again, I knew the drill of creation and destruction, worlds coming and going,and when I stood before the planets spinning around me, I started to notice something. Each planet had a massive crack in the middle, they were creaking and groaning with pain. I could hear their labored breathing as whatever was crawling out of them began to split their shells apart. Like tearing open the placenta that held them. The celestial bodies that house them scream in pain and agony, a horrible choir of death as beings of immense scale rise before me.That same man made of moonlight and time rose from the smallest natural satellite, he was the first one…

I saw him and the sun behind me dance in eternal bliss, with each step I could feel the ripples of space bending, breaking what remained of the planets that only followed the orbit of the giant,divine woman. Though I could never see their faces, there was no face to see. 

Or perhaps I was afraid of what I would behold if I stared at the sun for too long.

Mother Sun looked down upon me and I turned away. I could feel her burn a hole through my skull, only stopping when Venus splits open with a screeching choir,birthing a woman with the face of pure starlight, grand insectoid wings that flutter curiously. Then Neptune cracks open with a tidal wave, allowing a large female figure to slither out of it. She had past and future in her eyes- were those her eyes? her face was a gossamer shine that reflected fractals and fractals of what could be or had been. 

And long forgotten in time, Pluto is the last one to be born. Cold in the endless vacuum, creaking of bone against bone, feeding from the corpse of his mother, A shrouded figure stood impossibly tall, curling into itself. 

More were missing, I Knew that-She knew that. 

But I couldn't see the other planets from just how bright she shone in the black void. 

Unwilling to look at her, I tried my best to fight her. I wouldn't let her burn my eyes, I don't want to face whatever turned its wretched gaze upon me. I would rather be disintegrated into ash, because when she forced my head to snap to her, using her massive hand to twist me like a doll, I saw my face in her shine. 

I woke up screaming,tears falling down my cheeks before I managed to be conscious enough to let them flow. [Entry 9] My mom ran into my room,asking me if I was okay. I told her I had a nightmare, and that I'd be fine. I never talked about my dreams,so she wasn't surprised I didn't want to talk about it. She hung out with me in the kitchen as I made myself some tea. I didn't have the strength to look at her bandaged arm,did I cause that? When she saw me a lot calmer, she returned to sleep. And I decided I had to talk with Callum about all this. 

Before I knew it, I was sneaking out of the house and embarking on a midnight adventure with a person I just met, to talk about eldritch beings and horrors. Life really is the gift that keeps on giving.

They took me to a restaurant. “Nebula Dinner”,read the perfect, 50s style neon sign. By this point it's like the town wasn't even bothering to hide it…

“So..”They began once we sat down in the booth placed on one of the corners of the establishment “Do you believe me now?” I snarled at how smug they sounded “Yes” “Good,because it's only going to get worse”

“jeez, how sunny” They shrugged and put their forearms on the table,leaning in a little and using them as support “Tell me about the dream”. And tell them I did, I spared no detail, and it felt oddly nice to be able to share this with somebody other than my therapist. They listened attentively and even went so far as to hold my hand when I began tearing up again. “..why? why us?” I had asked with what little voice I had in me.

“Your guess is as good as mine”They replied, trying to sound nonchalant about it,but I could tell that in a sense, this was like reliving his own trauma. “Look, My dreams started a few months before I moved to Cometa, same with Archie,Byeol and Sammira. Tell me if that's not a cosmic coincidence” I flinched at the word “cosmic” and they apologized. 

To my credit, I did try to process everything I had heard. And I failed miserably at it. My brain ran itself in circles trying to reconcile with the idea that gods existed, and that for some damn reason I was suddenly chosen by one of them. 

I still couldn't shake off that feeling, like i was breathing alongside somebody, my head buzzed and i still felt like my brain felt like it was being pushed into two different directions. The images are so clear even when it had been just a few hours since I woke up.

A sigh left me as I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes,I could have used some more rest-But the thought of having to face that thing again terrified me. “I like god do not play with dice” I quoted, hoping that one of my many vocal stims cheered me up. “And i do not believe in coincidence” They had finished, smiling at me “V for Vendetta”

“You know it?It's a bit old” “I have the compilation of the whole series back in my house,” They answered, clearly enthusiastic about it. “Hey,let me get you something to eat, my treat- We shouldn't be thinking about this without food in our stomachs” “It's like two am” They shrugged and said “Early breakfast,i guess” And I couldn't help myself and said “What about second breakfast?”“I don't think he knows about second breakfast,Pippin '' They answered without missing a beat, accent and all. Suddenly all the tension in the air dissipated as we both laughed,I shook my head at the absurdity of it all, and I gladly accepted the offer of food. 

Even though I knew there were a lot more things we needed to discuss, I let it pass by. I needed to feel normal again for a few minutes, and I wouldn't deny this moment.

Callum waved over one of the late night staff, Her name was Solana and she was Callum's older sister. They introduced me to her and we both ordered something to eat after she handed us the menu.

We spent the night talking about comics,movies and games. It felt nice to be a normal twenty something again.

[entry 10] Callum had spent the night at my house, they promised they would sneak off in the morning. It was sunday so my mom would leave to work at the fairs in one of the parks. They said they knew how hard it was to deal with these nightmares, and they wanted to keep me company through it all.

If I had not experienced the worst nightmare of my life, I would've said no. But I didn't want to spend this night alone, I didn't feel safe being on my own. I feel like these dreams will eat me whole, and I can begin to feel something crawling inside my chest already. 

When i woke up Callum was gone as they said they would, they had left me a text saying we could hang out later or grab lunch. My home didn't feel safe anymore,it felt like the sunlight was so bright it was eating away all the color,all the life my house had.I accepted their offer in a heartbeat, at least walking through the town I could forget and ignore the shifting shadows out of the corners of my eyes, and how uncomfortably familiar the sunlight felt on my skin, like it was trying to embrace the deepest part of me and for that it needed to tear and carve through my skin,my muscles and straight past my bones.

My new friend wasn't faring any better, they felt incredibly cold to the touch, they avoided being in the shade for too long and they had ripped off their patch about Pluto and we did not talk about our dreams,or what this “cult” might be up to. And it wasn't even out of worry that we could be eavesdropped upon. It was pure,sheer fear of what it would mean if just like the planets, something was growing inside of us. 

There was a pull underneath my skin, i could feel it writhe under my intestines,slithering and weaving itself through the pores of my sternum…And as much as i tried to push it away, it would only fade when during our walk we came across a second church,identical to the one we had seen on saturday. “Another one?” I asked confused

Callum nodded“To the other minor gods,Madame Jupiter,Sir Kaos,Professor Mercury and Saint Saturn”

“Those are weird ass names” I tried to joke,relieved that i suddenly felt like myself again “I didn't choose them” He chided “But yes,weird” “I'm kind of curious to see the inside” “That's how horror movies start. We’re latinos,we’re supposed to know better” They joked with a slight smirk

“Well i have some white in me,my grandma’s italian, I can be a bit stupid,as a treat” “If you die in there i'm not retrieving your body” “mean”

Making fun of it did help to ease the tension that had been growing like a weed inside of me.It felt like me and Callum had known each other our whole lives, that there was no need to put our words through a filter. I was going to tug them along to see the interior, but we saw one of the nuns come out from the church, she was looking down at the ground,minding her step. Then she looked at us for a few,long seconds and smiled wide. She raised her hand to wave at us, and we looked at eachother and promptly walked away. 

What disturbed me the most is that i felt like i knew her,I knew the sound of her voice even when i have never heard her speak. Just like the old priest I saw at the other cathedral. I felt like i had heard her call my name, which one i didn't know, it made me dizzy trying to figure it out and i was already dealing with feeling watched- Callum kept glancing back and i knew then i wasn't the only one that felt like that

Honestly,If i had not dreamt what i did,i would have chalked it up to paranoia…

But then I looked up straight at the sun. I expected the shine to burn my eyes,but it didn't. I had hoped I'd blind myself for a split second just to confirm something that wasn’t clawing at me at that moment.

Dread settled,my chest felt tight and I felt like the gold light that spilled across this world cupped my face and forced me to face its creator.

The sun was staring right back at me, beckoning me closer.

[entry 11] I woke up a few seconds after,I felt something cold against my back, hard like wood and somebody holding me. Slowly I blinked my eyes open and met the face of Callum, they looked concerned,sweaty, and I could see past them a gray ceiling of carved rock and stained glass.

“How are you?” They had asked,voice shaking.

“Im,..okay? what's up with you?” Before they replied, I heard a raspy, gravelly voice say “Ah,so good to see you're okay” The unnatural welcoming in this male voice made my bones uncomfortable, I felt them pushing against my joints trying to escape. I wanted to peel each strand of my muscles only to distract myself from it. 

There stands the priest we saw at the church with the vitraux of the main gods of this cursed pantheon, he opens his arms and says “Our Mother can be quite stern if she wants to, sorry for that. But i have the feeling you’ll soon grow on her” He made a pause,to then clear his throat “Sorry, I meant to say she’ll soon grow in you” 

I turned to Callum, who tried to put themself between me and the priest “Callum, what the hell is going on?” Callum turned back briefly to me, they pursed their lips and their eyes looked wild with their pupils as small as a dot “Remember how i said I didn't know what they were planning?” I nodded “...I have the feeling we’re about to find out”

The old priest smirked, his eyes glimmering like the ones of a predator “Don’t worry,we won't hurt you”

“You should hear him out” Came a woman’s voice I knew quite well. Dawn stood there in the same clothes I had seen her wear in our last session together,with a smile so big like she was a kid in a candy store. “I know it's hard to accept good things,especially with everything you’ve been through,but this community welcomes you,both of you, with open arms” She offered a hug,spreading her arms. Her face twitched as if it hurt to grin like that but she couldn't stop.

 It reminded me of how sometimes people would feel euphoria when experiencing something divine… We both began to hear multiple sets of steps,we’re surrounded by nuns,townsfolk. They all seem to revere us,and it dawns on me.

“After all, how dare we strike our own gods?”Finished the priest. They had handed me this journal,my journal, to write everything since my midnight meeting with Callum. They say that I had written their holy texts once before, and that they eagerly await the gospel of their mother…

I don't know why they returned me home,why keep up appearances? they had us at the church… 

But then in came my mom,all excited telling me about how she had a really good day at work, how she could give me some money to buy myself something pretty. I wouldn't put it past them to harm my mother if I told her about all this? Would she even believe me? Right now i can hear them outside my window, it's a gloomy day, rainy and horrible,almost pitch dark, they hide in the shadows, they are whispering and awing at my writing. Callum is here with me, just as scared as I am. 

“Why?” I ask out loud,hoping for an answer, and I get none. 

My mind drifted for a second to Callum,their family,their friends.

Friends..

Oh no, There's more like us.

More…vessels? seeds? What are we? Who the hell are we?

 I feel now the sun shining down on me. its warmth uncomfortably pressing under my skin,through tunnels already carved straight to my soul. I turn to Callum, they sit in the darkness at the edge of my bed,their back against the mattress, their head hung low. The hood of their jacket is pulled up, I can't see their face, and I don't think I'd see any if they turned to me. 

I can feel her crawling up my nerves,up my spine. My head feels dizzy and my face feels incredibly hot like I'm feverish. ‘You’re loved here,don’t you see?’She whispers ‘You won’t be ignored here, you won't be a scapegoat,a martyr. You can be that golden child, the saint you know you are’

Tears begin to fall down my face,staining the pages of the journal. She makes it sound so sweet. 

‘Finally you can rest. Why fight against the system?Why don’t you..we join it? we can change it together. We can make something out of ourselves’

I look at Callum, shivering and talking to themself under their breath. I can’t hear them,but I can see their breath condensate.

“I think we’ve known each other for a while” They finally said,soft voice barely carrying over the whispering horde outside.They offer their hand towards me as I hear the creaking of bone against bone, scraping like nails on a chalkboard. Their teeth clack together as if there's no gums,no tongue to soften the impact.I see that their fingers are thin and their skin is barely sticking to their bones.I take it,finding solace in their touch.

I don’t want to be alone. Not again, not ever again.

“We do,don't we?” I replied. 

Everything seems clearer now,like sunlight after a storm.

“Do you know my name?” “I think I do,do you know mine?” “i do” “it's good to see you again,Harvester” “it's good to bask in your radiance again,Mother Sun”

[entry 11]

“Church of Santa Madre de Luz Divina

“Heed my words oh servant

For my light will guide your path.

Like it always has during eons past.

I never left,for you still revolve around me

Even if my body hangs limp in the sky.

Like a child within my womb,you writhe and call for me.

Heed my words, you who have waited for our return…

The stars have names.

Not those you could even fathom to pronounce.

We have walked amongst you now.

We have lived what you have.

So welcome this new era.

Welcome us anew.No longer forgotten

And don't fret

for we have a plan for you”

[End of journal] I can see her, through the dark. The sky is looking back through the gloom.

Her light burns me.

My mother is calling. 

But I can't give in,not yet, not now. There's four more documents like this,I can transcribe them if any of you want to kamikaze yourself into insanity with me. I’ll be here waiting,patiently. Either way,I know now that no matter what I do, the sun is always watching me,the moon knows all my secrets and in the cold night outside I can see the harvester waiting for me, tapping on his scythe with his candles burning blue.

[merchants-corner-market]

Merchant's Past.

Cw:abusive households,bullying,inmature parents,housefire,parental/family death.

Author note: Merchant is one of the oldest members of the mechs. Probably introduced after Jhonny. (The order of introduction of each mech to the crew is unknown to me)

>Merchant was born in the planet of Argentum,in the solar system of Antü. They were raised in a multigenerational household,living with their grandparents and mother. Their parents split up when they were an infant.

>Merchant Is the eldest of four from their fathers side and regularly visited him and their siblings on weekends.

>Their mother and grandparents were merchants,which made them pick up a few tricks of the trade. Their father was a mechanic.

>Mer's mother and grandparents were quite strict,making sure they never skipped school or responsabilities. They were also quite judgemental of their failures and mistakes, often times they looked down on them and saw them as childish despite being quite the opposite. And their father was pretty inmature, putting them in the role of a caretaker and himself as the role of the child to be cared for.

>Despite all this,Merchant had made quite a lot of Friends when they changed schools during their tweens. The reason for the change was because they were bullied for reasons unkown to them other than being middle class in a high-end school.

>After finishing high school,they went on to university to study audiovisual arts. Film,in other words. Their first year within University was quite good given they kind of embarked in a journey of self discovery and earned self confidence.

>At the end of their first year of university they had a huge fight with their father over his entitelment and manchild behavior,which ended in Merchant going no contact.

>During the first few months after the fight,Merchant found themself being dragged to bars and other hang outs to clear their mind.

>Its in one of those nightly escapades that they met Jhonny D'ville and the rest of The Mechanisms.

->Jhonny was instantly smitten by them, and quickly striked up a conversation. He held few things back,telling them about what mayhem him and his crew had gotten into.

>Merchant felt pulled to the Man,and spent the whole night talking to him. And when it came to an end they handed him their phone number.

>And so began the months of sneaking off together at odd hours of the night. Merchant knew their family would not allow them to associate with this sort of Riff Raff kind of people. But they couldnt help but love the freedom that came with not being judged, scrutinized and put in situations that made them unconfortable.

>Jhonny Begged Merchant to run away with him but they were hesitant. It felt odd to run away from everything they have ever known, and simply asked to have some time to think about it.

>That night they were discovered by their family,berrated for associating with these criminals. They were forbidden from ever seeing Jhonny again,and in the twists and turns of the fight they knocked off the pile of burnig Timber within the house's fireplace.

>It spaked a housefire that left their home,and family,made brimstone and smoldering ash.

>Merchant had managed to not get hurt by the Fire,but with their home collapsing they got caught underneath heavy wood and pieces of brick.

>Jhonny could see the smoke a mile away and with a bad feeling in his gut he went to see. There he found Merchant crying to themself and mourning the loss of their family while deeply in pain.

>Jhonny cleared much of the now blackened debrie that fell on them and took them to the Aurora to be tended to.

>Dr.Carmilla stabilized them,but made it clear that the heat and weight had hurt their tendons and muscles deeply. She offered to help them fix it, And they accepted.

>With their New mechanized muscles and tendons,Merchant became a part of The Mechanisms and tended to stock and supply gathering. Thats how they earnt their nickname,"Merchant".

>Ever since then they have been living with the space pirate gang, Forming sibling relationshipps with Nastya and Marius when they were introduced to the crew. A part of this was to replace the ones they left behind in Argentum,but also it was a genuine connection.