#But in the end I like all 3 equally Tumblr posts
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From the depths of the studio - where darkness prevails and the voices of the puddles grow louder - a message is echoed to the rest of the world. A promise filled with hatred and,at the same time,with conviction. Words coming from someone who was more than confident that their blasphemy would come true.
A message that is directed to one creature,and one creature only...
"I will become the very being You never could be"
----- "A Promise Sent from Below" - Return to the Studio AU.
Oh hey, I have an AU, I forgot about that (lie)
I've had a similar idea in my head for a month now. It wasn't possible to do it last month, but no problem. May would make more sense. I did something with this little guy for 414 last year, and I wanted to do something with him again. April 14th of this year would not be possible, but May 14th or 15th? Oh yes. These dates are better because it was between these two (actually it was the 14th I think, but I consider both dates) days that I created this guy above! Consider this drawing a celebration made for…well, me. Of course, he wasn't created with the design above in mind. His original, main design is quite different from this alternative (and less original) iteration. The drawing above shows his current situation in the "current" moments of the RTTS AU.
His creation, which dates back to 2020, was the result of some Bendy-related thoughts of mine intersecting on the day. These being about new things in canon lore that came out at the time (plus speculation about this new information), a theory that at the time I started to understand better (which maybe based on the drawing, you probably know which theory I'm talking about ) and a funny bug found in one of the games (do you remember Ghost Bendy by any chance?) And then,boom. I created Atlas. I remember at the time I was thinking of other names for him because Atlas was just a codename that I had in mind to refer to him while I thought of a definitive name for the guy. But the codename ended up sticking. Plus, Atlas is a cool name and I wanted to give an OC that name.
Even though some details changed over time, I think I eventually managed to solidify his place in the AU. Not that his story is 100% thought out and completed. Hell, my AUs that I have are still not 100% thought out either, so what to expect from their characters. But I think that, currently, I have at least decided on the general idea of his place and purpose in RTTS, and I am happy with what I have come up with.
I don't know when the next time will be that I will show him again. In general, showing things from my AUs is not and probably will never be my strong point lol. But I'd like to draw him again eventually. So uhhhhhhhhhhh, one day. When that "one day" will be, it's up to you to decide
Happy Birthday Atlas. You and your other 2 alternative versions are cool to think about. Here's to another 4 years of chaos for you. 🙌
I can't believe it's been 4 years now, damn.
#bendy and the ink machine#batim#bendy and the dark revival#batdr#return to the studio au#bendy au#bendy oc#crookedsmileart#I found new a way to indicate which specific drawing refers to an AU or not#also writing that...thing at the beginning (drabble????) took a bit out of me#writing things like short story descriptions is so difficult; imagine writing a real fic#How can you all do this; seriously.#fanfiction writers are the real badasses;fr fr#about the “other 2 alternative versions” of Atlas; there are 3 versions of him that I have#the first is the one above; from the Return to the Studio AU. His main incarnation; I would say#Then there's his version in the Toon City Adventures AU; which varies a little from the RTTS version.#There are things in this version of him that I still need to rewrite#and then there's his non-Bendy version;#where I remove all the Bendy connections; and he is practically an original character with no connections to existing material#and play with him in some original stories that I put together in the back of my mind#I admit that this version is what I end up going back to a little more in recent times#But in the end I like all 3 equally#since last year's 414 art; I changed a few little things in his design; but still keeping the general idea in place#I'll eventually have to create a reference sheet for him;i guess#rtts au
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Kingdom Hearts 3 - San Fransokyo
#kingdom hearts 3#kh3#san fransokyo#scenery#my gif#made sure to put equal parts night and day versions of the city#because i think they both look stunning#i love the verticality of this world. it's fun to climb up to the highest point and fly over all the buildings#if i played this game as a kid i feel like i would 100% pretend sora lived in this city and would find a house for him haha#something that always piqued my curiosity was sora's initial response to first setting foot in this world#he's immediately amazed by what he sees and remarks in awe of the city that he hasn't even fully entered yet (he's still on the bridge)#then he quickly pulls out is phone and wants to tell riku all about it even though he just got there#(i'm sad they didn't make a kingstagram post about it that we could see!)#being islanders from a small town i can imagine it'd be an exciting idea to visit a big bustling city and i wondered if that's-#something they've ever talked about together whenever the topic of exploring new worlds came up as children#it could be some sneaky foreshadowing since the secret ending has sora and riku in quadratum which is also a big city with tall buildings#and i'm sure it's no coincidence that a version of riku shows up in san fransokyo
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To be honest I am a huge Nalu shipper. But the thing is I want to know the difference between the way Natsu cares about his guildmates and Lucy. Like what is the obvious difference since that boy sees every as Nakama so how can we say that the wag he cares about Lucy is different?
Like even when Erza passed away? (All the way back in first season there was a segment where the guild was gathered at her grave and all) Natsu was still very reactive. Plus he was also said to be depressed even when Lisanna passed.
What's the difference between all of them and Lucy?
the fact that he stayed. the fact that before he met Lucy, Natsu wasn't one to stay in a group or even want to work with anyone besides Happy at the start of the story. hell, he was ready to just file Lucy down as "New Guildmate" once they reached Fairy Tail
but then, Lucy doesn't leave. she follows him on his mission to save Macao despite her not needing to or even really understanding everything about it. she stays and then fights with him and saves him. it's no secret that Natsu is strong and can take care of himself really well. he's been going on solo missions for years now, and no one has really stopped him, but that means he's been in a lot of sticky situations where he and Happy are on their own and have no backup. and yet, without asking, Lucy offers it
and i think this is the moment when Natsu considers that maybe it's okay to have someone there to have his back (sans Happy)
"but Natsu only needed Lucy for the next quest because of the requirements," well, Natsu also wouldn't have taken or even considered that quest if it weren't for Lucy, yeah? he was not a team player (in the picking job's sense) or really wanted other people to help him on his quests sans Happy. and then he goes and picks a job that caters to their team whilst ensuring that Lucy can't say no
or maybe i'm reading too much into it 🤷🏻♀️
or maybe Natsu's got horrible abandonment issues that he will latch onto people so fast (Igneel & Lisanna) but also cause him to distance himself so far when left behind (his 1st time at the guild, Lisanna's death). Erza and Gray are Natsu's closet friends after Lisanna and yet they cannot reach him when he closes himself off. and then we have Lucy, who stuck by and had his back, so who is to say Natsu didn't make some contingencies to ensure whether or not she'd join him?
but maybe it's the rose, colored ship glasses i have on
because yeah, Natsu cares for all of his guildmates. the power of friendship is his biggest motivator. when we meet Natsu, our first introductions of him is defending his guild's reputation from Bora (who was using it as a guise for human trafficking) and saving Macao. and our 1st big arc (Galuna Island), where Natsu adamantly refuses to allow Gray to use Ice Shell and sacrifice himself despite how antagonistic they've been to each other. we get Natsu 100% at Erza's defense throughout the Tower of Heaven and he is even ready to defend Wendy though they only met hours ago
Natsu is a character with a bleeding heart and cannot help but wear it on his sleeve, but we don't really see him allow others to fight his battles or have his back until Lucy comes in. to be honest, i don't even think he had his heart on his sleeve until Lucy. he still has a bleeding heart (i don't think anything could stop that), but he was not ready to be open in receiving company because he was so used to it being ripped away from him
that being said: of all the characters he interacts with, he finds Lucy to be someone compatible enough for him to start going on team missions and inviting her on them (for example, his 1st S-class mission, which he stole, he went to her house to show it to her. the fact that part of the reward was a celestial key might be a coincidence, but i wouldn't doubt it as Natsu and Happy's trump card in case she refused)
but yeah, the difference is that he stayed and didn't push her away at the beginning, but instead continued to invite her along with him to the point that doing a mission without Lucy wasn't his regular anymore. compared to the rest of the guild, of whom he spent most of his childhood with, even if he spoke to no one, they would still be around and talk to him anyway. he might not invite them on job and only challenge them to fights, but the guild is his home and a constant in his life, a constant he needs (bc heavy abandonment issues).
"okay, but he still pushed her away after he watched Igneel die right in front of him. and he left the guild for a whole year, too. so what's the difference there?" you may ask.
so 1) Natsu never thought the guild would disband. he returns to Fiore after a year and is the last to know that they disbanded. he assumed, like all the other times before and while he and others were sealed for 7 years, that Fairy Tail would still be there when he returned. he assumed that his disappearance would not impact so hard because the guild would still be around and Lucy would have the others with her
which, did not happen :)
and like, so many guild members go off on jobs, quests, or even just leave for an indiscriminate amount of time (which i, personally, believe was his rationality for leaving), so him being gone for a year was nothing! right? no harm, eh? his plan was never to be gone forever :))))
2) he just watched his father die and lose any chance of having some semblance of a long term reunion with Igneel. he literally lost one of his main driving motivations for getting stronger and taking jobs. before Fairy Tail, before anyone, it was Igneel. and to learn that a) Igneel was always with him to begin with and b) he only got to see him for less than a day after 14 years of nothing......i would feel lost too ngl
man's needed space from everybody. and he also needed comfort, but Natsu has been shown not to really be the character who asks to receive comfort (and when he does receive it, it's usually when he's already emotionally compromised). he is in the habit of shutting people out after being abandoned or losing someone close to him, with his next rationale being to "get stronger" in order to prevent what happened in the past to ever happen in the future.
anyway
what makes this different? well for one, he sent the letter only to Lucy (or it's implied since no one else is shown getting one) because of how the two spend most of their time together. even the line that goes with the panel makes it sound like Natsu is unsure on how the note will be received (maybe even hesitant? but that could be my own hopes)
and one of the 1st people he reunites with after a year is Lucy and we get such a similar parallel to the first chapter of Fairy Tail between the two as if the narrative itself is slotting them together to say "ah yes, now everything is back to normal and new journeys can begin"
but yeah, this is just a long way of saying, that Natsu does love his friends and guildmates but even when he is close to them, he kept to himself (and Happy) and sort of stayed in their orbit but always with some emotional distance because of his fear of abandonment. and then you have Lucy where he will stay for and allow her to orbit around him and he will invite to new adventures no questions asked
that's the difference
#this is 100% unrelated but reading the older chapters had me realize how Cana's hair is a lot curlier than in the anime#my girlie's waves got straightened T^T and they were so gorgeous too#also love the translator's notes at the end of each volume <3#fill me with so much joy and why they chose to go in what direction for each translation#this post is longer than i thought oops#like i was gonna leave it at 'bc Natsu stayed for her' and then be done#but no i can't just leave it there and not back it up#also me saying Natsu stayed for Lucy is not me trying to undermine his other relationships in the guild#Natsu's bonds with Fairy Tail are the very core of this story so to say that he loved any of his guildmates less would not be right#his love for Lucy is different#it started the same but shifted as the arcs progressed#his priorities with her are different than they are with his friends and guildmates despite being on a fairly even level#fun fact! i started writing this 6 hours ago. had class. got distracted w/ old ft plot while searching for manga panels. and now we're here#btw: this is not excusing Natsu's act of leaving without so much of a warning. this is just explaining his personal rationale and emotions.#ofc Lucy was right to feel upset and betrayed for being left behind by Natsu and then to be alone bc the guild disbanded. i would too!#but we aren't talking about that. we're talking about what makes Natsu's feelings for Lucy different from the rest of the guild#also sorry i got a little lazy with the manga panels after the first couple T^T and mayhaps distracted (rereading Igneel's death is sO fun!#fairy tail#natsu dragneel#nalu#fairy tail nalu#ft meta#also like how natsu loves is very open and through action#no matter whether its familial or platonic or romantic#how he shows it is the same fierce protectiveness and attentiveness#personally i see natsu's love being in equal fervor for all. none really trump over the other. they're just different
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S1 Keeley with a boyfriend she genuinely likes and has fun with (the first one in ages) and is maybe even starting to love, even though she hadn’t ever planned on falling in love with him, and this was only supposed to be PR, right (probably), and he isn’t even the right material for a longterm thing anyway (unless he could be?) only for him to go and break their carefully woven trust and demonstrate that he really is more the arsehole everyone else keeps telling her he is, rather than the person he's been to her (the one who, sure, has an ego through the roof, but who's also funny and kind and ambitious and brave) in one fell swoop. To have to wonder if she’s been blind this whole time to who he really is, and to be made to feel like a total idiot because of how he treated her, and then to decide firmly that no, he is good and he is trying, and then to make the choice to continue to be there for him and help him when he asks...
Late S1/S2 Keeley with a different boyfriend, and this one she's certain she loves, and he could most definitely be longterm material with only a little polishing, in fact she's pretty sure this is it, and she's going to see this man through to his shine, because he's worth it. Even as he spirals in retirement and even as they hurt each other in small ways that eventually start to add up into something bigger, she keeps believing things will get better and they both will do better, because the little life they've been building is worth it. Or it has been, up until he goes and breaks up with her and doesn't even give her the courtesy of presenting something passable as a reason, even as he's turned into a stranger before he's fully out the door. And then they're barely talking and she's heartbroken and she knows she probably went wrong somewhere in there, too, but he never told her how and she's too tired to pick apart all the whys, and she's mad at him but it's difficult to even hold space for that anger because she misses him....
S3 Keeley Jones who stumbles into another new thing, and it's not going to be anything serious (unless it could be), and she's still grieving the last one (maybe the last two?) (but this will be different, really) and Rebecca's telling her she isn't certain this is a good thing (but Rebecca never liked Jamie, either, and Jamie's turned out all right, hasn't he). Her new girlfriend flying her on extravagant dates and flooding her with extravagant gifts and making Keeley feel appreciated, like all the time she's put in is finally being recognized, makes her feel worthy of love (she only wants to be loved. she wants people to stop leaving.) Even as her new girlfriend announces their relationship to the entire office (and sure, it's a little sticky, being that her girlfriend is also her boss, and it makes Keeley feel a little uncomfortable, actually, having all those eyes on her, her employees, but she pushes it aside because Jack isn't afraid to acknowledge her, to make it known that she likes her, to stick with her, and that's something). It's something until it isn't, anyway. Until she only acknowledges Keeley where she wants to, to the people she wants to. Until she leaves, too, and takes Keeley's funding with her. And then Keeley is left to feel like the clueless one again, the idiot for not spotting it coming all along.
And she's making stupid decisions again (sleeping with exes just to get the chance to feel someone), and Jamie and Roy are weirdly close now, and isn't that just flipping great. somehow she missed that, too. And she's the one who made them both better!! they never would have turned out like this if she hadn't been pushing them towards it all along, and now they're there without her, which really doesn't seem fucking fair and definitely sucks. And she's maybe still a little (a lot) in love with both of them, but then they're demanding she choose between them like quarreling stupid schoolboys, and she doesn't even want to choose and she wants both of them at the same time she wants neither of them and then there's still the sticky business of rebuilding her firm with what Jack did still sitting so raw in her chest (and it was never that serious anyway, so why does it bother her so much? why does everything bother her so much?)
(im gnawing at my enclosure)
#anyway. JUSTICE FOR KEELEY JONES.#(which is not to say that she's this divine victim either. obviously she makes a ton of her own mistakes.)#but god did the writers do her dirty by failing to dive in to her messy headspace in any effective way#and by god does the fandom often do her dirty now by reducing her to 1) Favorite Male Characters Girlfriend#or 2) GirlBoss Slay Sunshine Never Sad Never Mean Never Unkind#or 3) Manipulative Hypocritical Ex Who Refuses All Accountability Whilst Getting in the Way of Popular M/M Ship#it's like the holy trilogy of dramatically different but equally horrible fanon characterizations#(also this is why her ending the series by choosing herself is deeply important to me. & I don't understand why#more people don't see it for the moment of emotional growth and deep personal breakthrough that it is)#holy shit#okay#/rant over#ted lasso#keeley jones
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ive been rereading your ffxv fic "im trying hard to take it back" for literally four years now. please end my suffering and tell me how gladio feels. please. PLEASE. (but only if u want ofc)
(fic) Short answer: Gladio feels insane guilt and spends a lot of his life trying to make this up to Prompto. In the process, they deepen their connection as friends and do begin a relationship probably around the one-year mark of endless darkness. <3
Longer answer: (implications of abuse/violence tw but no worse than in the fic itself; just what others assume to be true even if it's not in the context of this specific fic)
Gladio is a secret romantic at heart who has always envisioned meeting his soulmate, but he's also duty-bound and duty comes first. So even though he reads romance books (amongst other types of books too) and indulges in his head a bit as many people do, he's often put his duty to the crown first and foremost in his mind. He also didn't imagine his soulmate was anyone on this trip and thought perhaps the person he may have been fated to meet died in the assault of Insomnia. Even if they were a refugee, they can't be a priority to him at this moment. His priority has to be Noctis.
Prompto has obviously grown on him over the course of their road trip, but there are aspects of them that don't 100% mesh (as is true with every realistic relationship). That said, Gladio never in a hundred years would want this moment of (understandable but out of line) frustration and anger in the wake of Luna and Altissa to be a permanent mark on Prompto's face. He's genuinely horrified and disgusted with himself for a long time after this and spends most of his life trying to make it up. He feels like a dirtbag about it.
That said, Prompto runs away from him in this moment and they need time to calm down, just as the fic shows. Noctis goes after Prompto, just like in canon. Prompto falls off the train and has his Despair Arc just like in the DLC, now with the added despair of "well, in addition to being a clone, my soulmate hates me. And in addition to the mark of inhumanity on my wrist (barcode), I have a giant hand print of him literally Shoving Me Away on my face. Forever."
Aranea: Well, do you want to die about it. Or do you want to live.
Prompto, eventually like in canon: Live, I guess. But it will be excruciating.
Aranea: That's what living is. We do it anyway. Your friends love you. Get off the floor.
He fights his way through his issues and gets rescued like in canon. Gladio probably tries to talk to him when they all catch up again, trying to apologize, and Prompto tells him to hold off on that for later.
Then, of course, Noctis is eaten by the crystal and "later" becomes much, much later as they evacuate and try to survive in eternal darkness. (Though they also can't Not think about it because it's a giant hand print. On Prompto's face. And every person they meet has Something To Say about it, for better or worse, whether they knew Prompto before or not. Prompto cannot escape it, and when Gladio is not doing Crown Duties he feels he must do in Noct's absence, he's with Prompto, so he also Cannot Escape It either. Even when the person speaking is unaware that Gladio left that mark. It's almost worse when they don't know, but when they see it's Gladio, who is such a big guy who seemingly hit Prompto and left that permanent mark there, some of them get nasty to him and some back off out of fear. Both are horrible. The guilt is eating him alive.)
Eventually, enough time passes as the dust settles that they do Talk About It. Gladio apologizes sincerely, for the 500th time. Prompto's like, "Well. It's not like you could have known that this would be The One Time it happened." And then cracks a joke about their soulmate mark being a Prompto's hand print on Gladio's ass from a butt slap in another life, which does help the tension somewhat. (The more Gladio tries to apologize, the more Prompto grows sick of hearing it, so they just have to move on and keep going, as he's learned to do.)
They grow closer over time, especially because there's not a lot of people who have survived to this point and even less later on. They do get together romantically, both because they do like the idea of soulmates (for different reasons) and also because they're living out of each others pockets for years, so there's an affection and dependency that develops there. Also, teenage Prompto always thought Gladio was really handsome and teen Gladio thought Prompto was cute and sincere for a pipsqueak.
When they are out together on dates in normal settings surrounded by strangers after the light returns, Gladio will receive dirty looks for the rest of his life from strangers who see the hand print on Prompto's face and immediately (correctly) assumes it was out of anger rather than a funny accident or something. (Edit: Some people will assume there is a funny story attached. Gladio will not know what to say to this. Prompto will play along.) He will learn to live with this. Prompto is really grateful Gladio is with him despite everything.
#FOUR YEARS that's so flattering adjklasjldkja;fsal; thank you for reading and for caring after all this time. it genuinely means a lot#if you were looking for a cuter/succinct answer i'm so sorry and can definitely give you one. this was just one of my more realistic aus#my text#asks#my fic#promptio#ffxv#for the record i don't think gladio and prompto are Rock Solid for the full 10 years in this au#i think they have periods in the darkness where they separate for a while. out of necessity. as many in the dark do.#whether due to feeling antsy or personality clashes or conflicting traumas of what they've had to deal with and Missing Noct and#Losing Faith and Regaining Faith and Obligations and The Horrors and so on#but I do think they cannot escape each other especially with gladio's hand print on prompto's face and so they can't Not think about#each other always. prompto in the mirror. gladio in his dreams.#so they are always drawn together and they do work things out and get used to each other#and end up relatively happy together in the end#they lean on each other a lot in the post-noct times#especially gladio who doesn't know what to do with himself without noctis always and ignis is equally lost#making themselves useful but running around the same ruts in the ground as always#and prompto is over here pulling himself up by his boostraps while pretending he's not crying in the caravan bathroom#like they all are#i do NOT mean for this to sound as depressing as it does. I think like years 1-2 post Hand Incident are really rough with moments of light#and then all the times after that are super solid <3#they DO end up happy together it just takes a lot of hard work and they know each other better than anyone by the end#thank you again for sending this ask after 4 years it is so wonderful to read
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you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.
you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.
so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.
you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.
you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.
you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.
you know you broke the rule by interacting.
but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.
#before i maybe get yelled at:#1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even#though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism#2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them#3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have#encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in#nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally#about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person.#4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces#and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too.#5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided#tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla#6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things.#7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl#i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know?#8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this#nyarla dni#<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks#adding this wayy later but a crucial part of the experience i Almost talked about it this but never explicitly did was that like#the measures ppl take to 'defend against men' are often deeply transmisogynistic as well. obviously#and when i see that it hurts me too. not that it hits me the same way when strangers assume im a trans woman and hate me for it#but it doesn't feel good to see transphobia at all. i focused on how that relates to other kinds of transphobia#namely transandrophobia here but like. it's all connected. lesbain separatism + exclusionism relies on both and they aren't always#distinct experiences. ime. anyway trans ppl i love all of you forever#i just thought me writing “*turns to the camera* and trans women exp this too.' wouldve been too much even for this post#i figured the audience would like. know that. and so far it hasn't been an issue. i have not been yelled at thanks guys 🫶
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It's been rolling around in my brain the last few days for some reason, but I still hate the family backstory reveals for Sophie and Eliot. I've seen some of the meta for it, but quite frankly, it still makes no sense. If it had been something actually thought of and intentional in the original, I think it could have been so fascinating. I mean, Sophie's willing abandonment of Astrid to contrast with Nate's loss of Sam or Eliot's adoption in contrast with Hardison's and Parker's? Could have been excellent! But they came out of nowhere in Redemption and don't work with these characters.
Sophie was still actively using the fucking alias that she met Astrid under! She met with someone from her past on the show! Like. Quite frankly, that one is unequivocally bullshit that they made up and threw in and pretended could fit with the established canon. (And I'm sorry, but the idea of Sophie abandoning Astrid and never telling Nate about her just... So much of Nate's trauma was rooted in the loss of Sam, and I think that introducing this element after he's gone and unable to respond to it taints Sophie and Nate's relationship in a way bc I'm not exactly sure how Nate would've responded to learning about this but I think that it's something he'd have needed to know. I don't know how to fully express my thoughts on that but yeah.)
As for Eliot, I don't like the adoption aspect literally at all. The way that he would interact with his family and the memory of his family would be different, and I think that it's flat out ridiculous to think that he'd have never mentioned it to the team in the original show, especially when dealing with the kid cases. (I also dislike the biracial adoption as its own element because if Eliot was actually raised by Black parents in the... idk what 80s/90s? That just. doesn't feel congruent with how they write Eliot interacting with PoC, not necessarily in a bad way, but babe, he's written like a white southern man raised in a specific kind of culture that does not jell with that. It also makes Eliot look... really bad that he was apparently raised with the knowledge of how fucked up the military was and his parents' history and made the choices that he did.) Like the show may not have explicitly stated it but the implication of that relationship was vastly fucking different throughout the original show.
Just. These were not backstories that were congruent with their depiction and characters in the original show, and they're also just moves that I don't particularly like or find interesting directions for those characters. There's also something to be said about how it was apparently unacceptable for a woman to not have kids or someone not reconciling with their biological family when that was something that the original show handled a lot better. Out of all the directions to take Sophie and Eliot's stories, that's just not really one that I think was a good idea.
#i'm not sure if i worded this v well tbh which concerns me#bc like. like i said i dont like the adoption plot anyways but part of my problem with that storyline IS that billy is black#bc i don't think that the way eliot is written makes sense if he was raised by a black couple during that decade#bc the way that he would have engaged with his family and community and the world around him would've been different#especially bc he was raised in the fucking south in the 80s#bc i dont think eliot was ever racist in the original show but i dont think that he really knew#how it was different for poc in certain ways that dont make sense if he was raised by a black couple#like the previous implications of his childhood and specifically his father were v much in the stereotypical v pro military be a man cultur#that culture is also v rooted in toxic masculinity and whiteness#God i hope that makes sense bc i feel like that sounds v bad#but i'd love more black characters on the show and i think that for pretty much any other mc that'd have been fine#it's specifically eliot with the space that he occupies that i feel like it's a problem with his backstory#which also is why i dont like that he's adopted at all bc that's an influential part in how you first view your place and family and all th#that i dont think makes sense with eliot's character. like literally nothing about that reveal really feels like it makes sense with eliot#and to move over to sophie for a second i feel like bringing up the abandoned stepdaughter would have been pretty damn important#when sophie was struggling with the idea of who she really was beneath the aliases and the grift#and especially when she's in a relationship with nate who WAS a father like#and that she used the charlotte alias to meet with someone from her past but there wasnt anything about the fallout#which still makes no fricking sense either way#also insert something about sophie being an older woman without kids#(i know there's the ot3 but they're not actually in a position as her kids bc theyre still equals in a sense)#and needing to actually go no no she was a mom! and then bailed and did all this and blah blah but she's always been a mom in her heart <3#and adding in this relationship as if an older woman cant be satisfied or complete without kids#and i know that ppl might bring up parker but like lbr parker is positioned in a v different space narratively than sophie#ofc parker doesn't have kids she's positioned in a space as the Odd one the kinda broken one#her defying the expectations narratively doesnt necessarily work the same bc of her place#idk i kinda hope these dont end up in the main tags bc idk how ppl will respond nor how well i actually got across my points#but i do wanna tag them for my blog so#leverage#sophie devereaux
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Friede, Amethio and Zeiyu..
#love how my man effortlessly and randomly gets on their nerves <3#friede was so cute this ep though.. the way he actually wanted to play and enjoy the festival in his own way#he was soo cute.. even at the end he was still willing to take on zeiyu's challenge#because he wanted to have fun too! it's just that he needed to look for briar#i actually have thoughts about friede's competitive spirit. but can't exactly articulate them right now#something something about how friede is usually the responsible leader and carries a Lot in terms of things and people to protect#but he likes battles too and i think he wanted to channel his competitive spirit somewhere. something he can't exactly do with the rvt#which is why imo he was happy to have found a rival in amethio. because he gets to show that side of him with someone#amethio is as important to friede as friede is to him. because friede gets to be competitive with him in a battle setting with an equal.#something that he can't do anywhere else.#anyway. i should get around to writing more on their rivalry someday#i think the setting is a bit similar with zeiyu.#it feels like friede gets competitive around people he genuinely likes.#i feel like he values people who are straightforward and honest?#and both amethio and zeiyu are open about challenging others etc..#friede probably doesn't respect(? for lack of better word) fake people (like spinel lmao)#anyway. it's all interesting stuff#and in the end it comes off as teens beefing with friede and him accidentally provoking them and i think that's hilarious#hz069#friede#zeiyu#character notes#episode notes
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The brainworms are winning, clearly (Patreon)
#Doodles#Osmosis Jones#Ozzy#Drix#Thrax#As if it wasn't bad enough when it was just Doran oh no - I knew I'd want a separate tag for this in earnest at some point ahhhh#Damned#Alright sure lol good enough - I'll go back and edit the tag in a bit#I just can't help it wahh the Institute is such a fun and interesting setting it scratches my brain in Such a way#It's been really fun poking around to see who's there but there are some who I'm like ''Why wasn't [x] there? :0''#Some make sense lol like characters that didn't exist/come into the cultural vogue until after the game started or ended#Totally understand that - and it's still really fun to speculate how they'd react! Very enjoyable!#But others - like the above - I'm just like But they existed before the game and are such fun characters! Why!#Neverminding that Osmosis Jones was yet another box office flop in an impressive lineup of likewise siblings oof lol#It'd be such a good movie......if only (lol) Like I love it! But yeah it's still pretty rough haha#Gosh if the animated sections aren't beautiful tho hh <3#The show's even rougher - like why choose a nearly PG-13 movie to turn into a Y-10 (at the Most) cartoon? The tone shift is so jarring lol#So yeah! Why weren't these characters a more popular draw five years later! That's practically still pop culture! Lolol#No I'm well aware I'm probably The entire pool of people interested in this crossover but hey - I offer >:3c#Obviously I had to have Ozzy judging me for subjecting him to the Institute - this is what you get for being a fave Oz <3#Thrax is All over him (a criminal) and Ozzy (a cop) being equalized in the same prison uniform lol - I mean yes but actually no#It's an escape game of course he wants out#I have way too much fun making ''real person'' profiles wagh I've already made a bunch of backstory stuff helpppp#The names are pulled around from the various voice actors/real names based on character names which was Quite fun#And of course Oz had to get punched :) That meme's not completely dead yet is it lol#But really it was just fun posing ahhh I'm really rather pleased with it <3 Excited to scene-stitch that one together too#Drix fussing over Oz is my favourite ahhhh yesss <3 <3#Can you tell that hunched-over Thrax was my first pass? Here's a hint - he doesn't have a burned finger there!#I wrote up his profile after that one and forgot to add it afterwards haha but yeah! Just barely touched on in-fic so far lol#And then him in his proper clothes.... Look all I'm saying is that I was uniquely primed in my media diet to enjoy Vargas lol
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such is the tale of a ✨chronically online hypocrite✨
#(please forgive this old folk’s rambling for a hot min bc i need to get this off my chest somehow and in some way)#tl;dr: come and get into the hw idol series!!! we have ship discourse; more ship discourse; even more ship discourse#(yes ik people should be free to ship what they do b u t claiming a noncanon ship as canon and forcing it on everyone else is. not cool.)#yes yes friday’s mv was visually cute and ino.rin’s singing was peak b u t i feel like it has caused more harm than good in some way???#i cant b e l i e v e the jp hwtwt beef over friday’s mv is still going on mannnnnnnnn#no less than 3 separate people have made posts along the lines of#‘p l s stop using [official tags] to post about *[unnamed] non-official ships* p l s there’s a time and place for everything’#and n o n e of them even remotely run in the same circles yet they’re all banded together against a *certain* group lmfao never change hwtwt#lhy (esp yhy) shippers are always at the scene of the crime mannnnnnn#i cant see anything on their end of the naval battle (has every single lhy tag+account that i could think of blocked)#b u t it’s still really funny to witness on my twtdash against my will. i think i need to touch grass#‘kyhn isn’t canon either so why do you like it while being such a hater towards lhy—‘#great question!!!!!! it’s bc (disregarding the movie) they actually interact really well together~~~ like the honeypre event y k—#and also bc yukki treats hina really nicely all the time (even when she was being tsun and literally running from her feelings for him)#a n d hina loved him for who he truly was; even before his image change arc. and she also does her best to appeal to him and such~~~~~~~#but lhy. uh. they just bully hiyo 95% of the time and while they do look out for her bc they’re pals#they’re just pals. guys. and lxl have gone ‘uwu it must be u uwu’ to each other one too many times so shoehorning hiyo between them would.#be pretty weird ngl? esp since the ‘widely accepted’ portrayal of lhy as a trio is p much just hiyo x 2 dudes who dont even like each other#and. like. a branch of such portrayals usually seem to have aizo waft away from the ‘r/s triad’ to date mona instead which is. very weird.#some people just pick and choose aizo and mona interactions dont they. all they see is the umbrella scene and go ‘ah yes. canon’#they dont even read further to see how mona doesn’t even use the umbrella after aizo leaves (clear rejection)#a n d how aizo doesn’t even remember giving the umbrella to mona + mona’s entire existence in general after that#and that’s not even counting the grudge mona refuses to let go of even after what looks to be literal months#so for certain shippers to just casually shoo aizo out of the hiyoharem and into mona’s unwilling arms for the sake of yhy is. weird.#and like. shouldn’t he and yujiro have a say in this?? they’re more interested in each other than hiyo so just how are they being commonly#portrayed as hiyosimps in fanon? im so confused… like. wouldn’t they be equally obsessed with each other (as w/ hiyo) if they were a rstrio?#aaaaaa get this off my twtdash plsssssssss pls see this post twtapp pls let this affect your dumb algorithm im tired of the ship discourseee#as funny as the ‘lhy vs the world’ naval warfare is it’s getting. um. very annoying!!!! and now im missing nagisa more than ever s o b s#plsplsplsplsplsplsplsplspls influence the algorithm ragepost; ik big brother is 👀watching👀 so do your thing—#(pls feel free to duke it out with me too if y’all read this i need my birdsite algorithm to le a r n that i dont wanna see stuff like this)
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I keep thinking about how on earth they would canonize ggy bc like. at this point if they have to sacrifice Gregory screentime of just him to make something we already know actually canon, I would rather just take the screentime, but on the other hand they have to canonize it if they want to do anything at all with that plotline, and that makes me wonder if theyll stick with it as canon in the games at all or just leave it as background knowledge if u read the book 😭
#like i love ggy just as much as the nezt person and go crazy at how canon it is but not yet#but also i like gregory a lot more and ggy isnt the only reason hes my favorite#gregory was my favorite for a whole year before ggy even came out#i want him as a person to be developed more than his ggy plot when we already know its real#but gregory himself desperately needs more time focused on his character to tell us more about him#maybe give some context to some of his decisions#best case scenario honestly is Gregory has a protagonist plotline where it showcases his character and relationships with others#as the game progresses naturally with dialogue and stuff (freddy and vanessa being his guides or something)#with the focus being saving cassie#but as the game reaches its climax gregory realises for some reason or another that apparently he was ggy and did all those things#and was the mimics fave#but its established he had amneisa before security breach so he didnt remember and still doesnt#he just knows he did it and has to deal#so it doesnt completely take over everything else about his character#and then whatever happens at the end of that game has cassie saved and joining 3 star#who GOT DEVELOPMENT in this hypothetical#like idk i want ggy to be canon but i dont want it to overtake gregory#yknow what i mean#it should be background to him not the other way around#vanessa and cassie already have that big main possession plotline#pandas.txt#tbh if they replace gregorys backstory with something equally interesting I'll be ok with no game ggy#we already have a whole book to mess around with i wouldn't mind it being a little au even tho i know it isnt#its VERY canon and ill 100% be alright and happy w game ggy#but im nervous for how they would establish it in a game if at all#with how much gregory needs screentime just as a character and if he'd need to wait even longer after a ggy reveal#thoughts#gregory
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Re: Chair Lore: Where is the Chair From?
I was joking about the seat looking like a sim chair, but after doing some research, I'm almost 100% sure they just took seats from a 2012 Ferrari 458 and put them on plexiglass platforms 😭
I couldn't find any pics that look *exactly* like the chair itself, but I think these are pretty similar, no?
It's going to bug me so much that I can't find the exact chair UGH, like with the white stripe in the middle, you know? But yes anyways, this is my theory.
*fyi, I'm planning a drawing with this chair and my thought process with finding reference is always "this has to be exactly perfect and 100% accurate" so thats why I'm being incredibly specific and over-detailed about this 😭 please don't think I'm weird
#THIS HAS GONE ON WAY TOO MUCH 😭😭😭😭😭#im sitting here like. did i really spend ~30 mins looking at fucking car seats#i just need to find proper reference okay!! so i can do the chair justice!!!#well anyways derangement part 2: somehow even worse#i think im also going to make a comp post with him in 2013 w the chair#bcs i was looking at them and EEEEEEE so many cute pics!!!!!#also yeah lol felipe had one too. equality 🙏#but also I need to remind myself. its literally ferrari with ferrai chairs that for all i know could be custom#i would love if i do all this inane research and dont even end up finishing my drawings 😭😭#they live in my head and haunt me daily <3 im just scared i cant portray perfectly so!#someone left a tag on the other lore post about how they wish they could care abt anything as much as i care abt the chair#and im like HEY...okay fine youre not wrong#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.rambling.txt#normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion
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Thank you all for watching with me 💕
#me lying down to go to bed and realizing its been 3 years and the show that made me join this stupid website is over 👁👄👁#but fr like. this show makes me insane and im glad to have shared it with a group of people who are equally as insane about it#its like the end of a school production we wont see each other at practice anymore but we all go to the same school#and ill always wave when i see you in the hall#young royals#personal#sappy
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10 characters 10 fandoms ✨
Whaaat she's alive? And she's doing a... tag game?? What's going on??
Thanks dear @greypetrel and @buridanshorse for tagging me ;u;
I'm tagging (no pressure darlings <3): @underneathestars @melisusthewee @dungeons-and-dragon-age / @layalu @daggerbean @transprincecaspian @herearedragons
1 - Alistair Theirin (Dragon Age)
2 - Vetra Nyx (Mass Effect Andromeda)
3 - Boromir (The Lord of the Rings, movies and book)
4 - Jesse Custer (Preacher, show and comics)
5 - [equally] Ahsoka Tano, Asajj Ventress (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)
6 - Laura Roslin (Battlestar Galactica)
7 - King Richard (Galavant)
8 - Inigo Montoya (The Princess Bride)
9 - Nadja of Antipaxos (What We Do In The Shadows, the series)
10 - Sara Connor (Terminator saga)
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I'm not surprised that there is no middle ground between "women who could incinerate you with a single look" and "unredeemable cretins with wet cat in their bio"
#long post#tag memes#10 characters 10 fandoms#at first I was like#oh god there's no chance I can fill 10 slots but at the end I was outraged I couldn't have more lmao#also I'm terrible at making decisions outside art lol#I've put DA first bc this is a DA blog but don't take this as a chart they are all equally stunning to me#I'm sorry Nihlus but when Vetra came out she destroyed all my previous mass effect faves with a thunderous#'so you're the one who's making everything happen <3'#anybody doesn't hold a candle to her#also sorry for the star wars tier I couldn't decide and it was getting intense lol
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Raf n Soundwave parallels where they both do important work but get overlooked or taken for granted. Soundwave being so used to it after millions of years while Raf struggles with it regularly. They could fix each other, if Soundwave felt inclined to care.
#you can easily argue that soundwave is megatron’s fave but being a fave doesnt necessarily equal proper acknowledgment and respect#and maybe soundwave perpetuated that relationship too so its not all on megatron necessarily#like. they have a relationship thats just a. just a given. i think.#its a given that megatron leads and soundwave follows and that soundwave does whats in his power to ensure megatron’s plans succeed#and we know soundwave is vital bc he’s one of the first variables the autobots take out at the end of season 3#does megatron know how vital soundwave is? does he care?#maybe megatron is a psychopath and doesnt really care about anybody. maybe he *can* care but chooses not to#i mean just look at how his relationship with optimus turned out#soundwave and orion pax were both important ppl to him and orion turned on him#orion wasnt the faithful follower soundwave is so maybe soundwave feels a sense of superiority about that#mh i forget where i was heading with this. if anywhere.#anyway yeah. soundwave and raf. they should have a group chat with ratchet and maybe shockwave and/or knock out#i think thatd be hilarious#cyc.talks
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the thing about rodrigo is that he's too blinded by his own ambitions and has always been dismissive of everyone's (including his family) feelings. unfortunately for juan he became a victim of rodrigo's ambitions, he was doomed the second he decided to favor him over cesare and lucrezia. he isolated him and tasked him with a role beyond his capability which struck cesare's jealousy because he had the chance to live the life he always desired as a soldier but instead, he made him a cardinal. basically, rodrigo set juan to fail and made him envied by his brother, and pitted them against each other. juan should've never been placed in opposition to cesare when he wanted harmony with his family while cesare wanted to be the gonfaloniere. they both wanted something the other one had. cesare's desire to be a leader and fighter and his distaste for juan in that role and juan's wish to be as close to his family as cesare is, especially with vanozza and lucrezia. despite juan having his father's attention, it's cesare that rodrigo trusts and depends on. he did not seem to trust juan enough as he keeps sending cesare to search for him every time and was made to act as his brother's keeper. rodrigo made both juan and cesare feel so insecure and not good enough for him which led to juan's murder and the only way rodrigo managed to come to terms with juan's death is by declaring it a tragedy caused by his rodrigo's lust for power, which corrupted his sons. both brothers are flawed but also victims of circumstances. cesare and juan were both trapped by their father's ambitions which led to their brotherly relationship being ruined when they should have been brothers in arms, not enemies. at last, rodrigo realized how much he failed juan as a father and understood how in the end he had not been there properly for him either. the guy was tormented, suffering from a horrible illness, and not to mention the mockery by everyone, especially when he tried to change after he came back from spain. in conclusion, juan went in an undeserving way. he was discarded like a common criminal with no funeral and no one to mourn him except his father. he was so earnest, he loved his family but felt inferior to his siblings while being desperate for connection, but his father set him to fail and made him gather resentment of his siblings and it was too late to fix it.
just to clarify; this not an anti-rodrigo post. the entire family is messy and they've hurt each other even when they meant to do good and i love them all lmao
#i've been feeling really bitter about how juan got treated and now i'm taking it all out on every character lmaoo#as much as i thought it was cute that rodrigo loved juan so much but at what cost?? he ended up failing him as a parent#like if only rodrigo loved his children equally we wouldn't be here but here we are!! juan's siblings hating his existence#cesare killing juan out of jealousy when he was vulnerable and wanting a reconciliation between them..cesare borgia i will see you in hell#something so sinister about how juan was afraid of not being loved by his family and they all ended up hating him and dancing on his grave#rip sad boy he should've haunted their asses in season 3 now that's something i would wanna watch like i'm seated#not me dragging tf out of rodrigo oops sorry old man ily though <3#such an unhinged insane family i'm obsessed with themmmm#juan borgia#cesare borgia#rodrigo borgia#the borgias#juan and cesare#borgias#period drama#period dramas#david oakes#text post
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