#Because the thing is that I often do things even if part of me hates it

[sugucide]

two weeks.

it's been two weeks since kento has been inside of you. He's gone months, hell even years without sex before he met you and he was fine. he didn't even wish for it like most of his bachelor counterparts did.

but now that he's had a taste of you? two weeks may as well be a death sentence. which is ironic, giving the nature of this sex ban. everything you do is inviting: maybe it's just his underworked sex drive or maybe he's reverted back to his teenage years because he sure does feel like an impatient, entitled brat whenever you walk past him.

he can smell you. not the smell of your perfume you spritz on each morning. not the product in you hair. not the moisturiser you use. but you, the scent of your self, your body, the skin he's so often inhaled as he bit down between your thighs or up the column of your neck. he can smell the memories of sex, sweaty and tangled in pheromones and all things primal.

he can hear you. not your words or laughter or the way you hum absentmindedly when you're pottering around the house. he can hear that sharp little intake of breath when you accidentally, or not-so-accidentally, brush against him. he can hear that whining tinge to your voice when you tell him you won't sleep with him, that you're punishing him, as if its moreso a punishment for you than him. he can remember the way you'd moan for him, desperate and glassy eyed and oh so perfect for him as he ruins you from the inside out.

he can't take it anymore.

"two weeks is more than enough time for me to think about my actions," he tells you over dinner one night, eyes cast downwards at his plate. "...and to come up with a suitable apology."

you place your chopsticks down at his last words and look up at your husband. "oh? let's hear it then."

over the frames of his glasses, kento's eyes meet yours. "i apologise for worrying you and risking my life for my work."

you tap your fingers against the table. "and will you continue to do it?"

"yes," he admits. "it's my job, one that i do well. if i die doing it, i hope it's in place of someone who didn't sign up for it, like you."

kento reaches over the table and takes your hand. "i can't just stop being a sorcerer. that would be too selfish of me. but i do promise that i will make more of an effort to reduce my chances of getting hurt from now on: no more unnecessary risks. okay?"

though that was all you needed to hear from him, you start to wonder if lifting the sex ban was a good idea when your pent-up husband is swiping plates from the dinner table to make room for you to lay back on it. claiming he can't wait the few extra second to carry you to the bedroom, he has you stripped and laid bare on the dining room table in no time, and he's ready for his meal.

"missed her," he mumbles as he parts your legs with a strong hand and bends down to kiss once at your clit. that's about and gentlemanly as it gets, though, because soon after he's making out with your pussy like he's a virgin. no technique, no precision, nothing but unfiltered need and its so much hotter than you'd imagine it to be.

eyes locking onto yours from between your thighs, he adds two fingers and works you open. two weeks was a long time for the both of you, so he'll need to get you used to the stretch of him again. he scissors his fingers inside of you, curls them upwards to hit your g-spot and smirks like a saint when your back arches off the table in response.

"missed you ken," you ramble on as your climax nears. "missed you so much. hated doing this. love you. loveyouloveyou god i love you."

you cum hard, harder than you've cum in a long time and kento laps it up like he's never tasted anything so good. he savours your taste on his tongue like he would an aged wine, something expensive and delicious and worth keeping bottled. though he's harder than diamond and worried he'll cum in his pants if he doesn't sink inside of you soon. so he stands and undoes his belt in record time (with those lovely hands of his) and repositions you at the end of the table with his leaky cock already pressing against your wet entrance.

he leans over you and shares a kiss with you as he pushes in. he inhales the gasp you let out at the stretch and moans into your mouth as a gift in return. he pulls out almost entirely, so it's just his head nestled in your tight pussy, and then slams in again. hard.

"god kento—" you start, about to chide him for being so rough with you when you notice his face dip into your neck and the sudden warmth filling you from the inside. kento's hips stutter and he bites at the skin of your shoulder to muffle the heavy moans that ache to free themselves from his chest.

"did you just—"

"don't," he cuts you off, cock twitching inside of you with his release. he's plugging you up, keeping you full of him and his cum. "give me a minute and i'll fuck you so stupid that you forget that just happened."

"you just—"

"don't laugh."

"im not laughing! it's just, you know like our first time..."

"shut up." kento's hips pull away and then slam back into yours as he starts a brutal pace with you.

that shuts you up good.

[servantofthefates]

My house is alive. And I do not mean figuratively.

I mean it has a mind of its own. 

My house is mine. I designed the layout, I watched it get built, I decorated it. From the size of the front door to the paint color palette… from the fabric of the sofa to the style of the photo frames… everything was my decision. It’s as mine as mine gets.

So the moment I introduced myself to it, it started talking back.

We have a courtyard full of trees and plants, so there’s a healthy amount of bugs outside, which sometimes get in when the front door is open. I hate that. I hate that very much.

So I told my house to never let those intruders in. The next day, without having to spray anything, I saw several dead bugs on the floor. I swept them up. And never again did I see anything flying or crawling around the house.

Another time, I had a plumbing issue. My bidet wouldn’t stop running, and the bathtub wouldn’t drain completely. 

I told my house how much I hate having to let maintenance workers in, because they often leave a mess, which I have to spend hours sanitizing afterwards. I asked my house if it could help me avoid this somehow.

In just about five seconds, the bidet stopped running, and the bathtub fully drained.

Over the holidays, a relative came over for dinner. Having eaten so much, she felt sluggish and asked if she could sleep over. Now I don’t really like this relative. I included her in the guest list as an act of Christmas kindness, but sleeping over? That’s too much.

While I was thinking of how to reject her request, the power went out. And the moment she left the gate, the electricity came back on. I asked the neighbors about it later on, and they said their power was on the whole night.

Another time, I lost the remote control to my living room air conditioner. Which was impossible. It’s always in the same place, and I was alone that whole time.

While looking for it everywhere, I ended up opening a drawer I never use. In it I found white mold, which likely developed during the few months I lived abroad, leaving that part of the house susceptible to humidity. I’ve since taken care of the problem.

Right after I discovered the mold, I found the missing remote control right there on top of my coffee table. Where it always is. Where I couldn’t have missed it.

My house is one of those things that make me what I am — a traditional witch, despite how modern my life is. It reminds me that even though my ancestors wouldn’t recognize many parts of my craft, I remain their child. Their blood is within me, ready to awake when required.

[hellfire--cult]

Edit of Eddie: pitifulbaby

Chapters: Masterlist (Go here to see list of chapters, plotline and general warnings.)

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

Tropes: Enemies to Lovers, Non-Traditional Omegaverse, Slow burn, Modern!AU, Mechanic!Eddie

⚠️18+: lots of angst, mentions of pregnancy (not reader), evil person appearing, reader having a crisis, some violence, eddie being a sweetheart, hurt/comfort

wc: 9.9k

A/N: i didn't take a month to update, wow. hope you all like this chapter because here is where everything starts turning a lil more serious. thank you @andvys for always proofreading for me 💕

Anyways, Enjoy! ❤️ And don't forget to always support me by hitting the reblog button or leave a comment!

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CHAPTER 21

Tap. Tap. Tap.

You tapped that pen on the desk as you held onto your forehead. A headache was forming as you started thinking of how to cope with the next interviews you will have with this woman. A successful woman who had many clothing brands to her name. One who wanted many pages with her clothes on display by various models. A woman.

A pregnant woman.

You weren’t resentful. You weren’t angry or jealous… You just know if things would have gone different, you would have a child in your arms by now. You would be showing that baby off like your pride and joy. Looking at a pregnant woman was like looking at the one thing you never reached, the one dream that was so close to being completed only for it to be ripped apart. Ripped from your grasp by two evil beings.

That was the unfair part. If it were your fault, if it were something that had happened to you, then you would have no one to blame but yourself. That was the part you were still resentful of. The part you hated to dwell on. The part you didn’t want to remember. You often wondered if you could even hold a baby. Would your heart let you? Would it allow you to feel the warmth of someone else’s baby after what you went through? 

You sighed as you fixed the papers on your desk, looking at the name of the woman. She was kind, she seemed happy and radiant, holding her pregnant belly as she discussed business with you and Liana. You saw how she used her left hand that held a beautiful wedding ring on her ring finger, and she rubbed it all over her belly, laughing when she got distracted when her baby kicked.

You wanted to feel it, yet you didn’t. You wanted to know how it felt, how it all could be… but you also didn’t want to be reminded of what you didn’t get to have, and maybe, ever have. At this rate, is there someone out there that won’t fuck you over? Someone you are willing to trust? 

And he popped in your head.

As soon as he did, you shook your head, brushing him off. He wasn’t a good idea. You know about his record of women, you know who he is and what he does. You would not be surprised if you came to find out he is fucking someone else apart from you right now. You wouldn’t be surprised. He can do whatever he wants, can’t he? Just like you do. You two are unattached. As it should be.

This was just beneficial for the two of you. You were friends who had a great time together in and out of bed, and that was it. You are happy that that is it. Don’t you? Yeah, you are. You are not looking for a relationship, much less with Eddie Munson. From what you know, he has never been in a serious relationship. He’s never had a girlfriend before, and you asked around. You asked Steve, Jonathan, Nancy… they all gave you the same answer: Eddie does not do relationships.

Your pen dropped from your hand, a gulp sounding in the room. You were blinking a few times as you breathed again and grabbed the pen once more. 

But you couldn’t help but imagine it. You wanted to invite him to stay over often and not just leave in the morning. You want him to eat breakfast with you, or lunch, whatever. It was as if whenever you got together first with your friends, you used that time to be together like friends and just that. Enjoy a movie together, some drinks, a dinner, but then everyone leaves and you are on each other like animals in heat season.

You wondered if he ever wanted to spend a night with you alone, but… watching a movie. Or having some pizza together with some beers and play games… or– wait, you are thinking about a date. You are thinking of going on a date with Eddie. But is it? You two are like that when not fucking eachother’s brains out, so what’s wrong with spending time with him as a friend and just a friend? It isn’t weird.

You should offer it, but what if Eddie actually thinks you are asking him on a date? Or what if he thinks that because you want to do something friendly with him, you are putting an end to it all? Why are you overthinking this? You didn’t before, and you should stop. He is not racking his brains over this like you are, so you shouldn’t.

“Knock knock.” You raised your head to see Robin knocking on your open door, a small smile on her lips. You knew why she was here, so you let her in, putting the pen down on the papers on your desk. She walked in, leaving the door open, tilting her head towards you. “You okay?” “Yeah… Yeah, I am Robs.” You sighed and one thing is to pass by a lovely couple where the woman is pregnant and not see them again, and the other is this. Meeting this woman several times and knowing that at one point you will find her sitting on that chair with her baby in her arms instead of inside her belly. 

“Okay… Liana is calling for everyone in the cafeteria. She wants to tell us something important.” You frowned at that, wondering what it could all be, because Liana always made sure you were one of the few to know first about things or deals happening to the company. 

“What?” Robin shrugged at your question and continued.

“She was smiling, so I am not assuming the worst, you know…” Okay, that calms you down slightly. You nod and get up from your desk, smiling at Robin as she smirks and points at your neck. “Things are turning serious?”

“What?” You covered your neck with your hand, cursing at Eddie in your mind. After he dropped Argyle off from a night at Jonathan’s bar, he drove you to his house, and there wasn’t any sex, just him with a sudden hunger to eat you out, and make you see stars consecutively. 

That was a new development. Eddie was very into making you cum. He told you he would make you cum at least twice whenever you two stayed together, and he sure is taking that promise seriously. You weren’t complaining, but he made you feel… wanted. And you didn’t want to feel like that… You didn’t want to feel… hopeful.

“When can I properly meet Jeff? Like, as your best friend, so I can do that whole ‘Hurt her and I murder you’ speech.” Robin said with a smile and you felt guilty. So, so guilty. How do you tell her this is not serious? How do you even begin to explain to her that this is not what it looks like at all? 

How do you even tell her it’s not Jeff, but Eddie you’re seeing?

“Never because this is not serious and never will be.” The words stung in your tongue and you tried brushing it away with a roll of your shoulders, in which Robin caught on. Your hands fumbled in your purse to get the concealer out so you could reapply it on the hickey and some powder to conceal it. 

“You look upset about that.” Her words made you look up as you popped the concealer open and walked towards the mirror in your office. 

“Upset? Why would I be upset?” You asked, your heart racing slightly at your own question but Robin stood next to you, crossing her arms over her chest as you applied two dots of concealer on the skin of your neck.

“Because whenever you roll your shoulders, crack your neck, or don’t even look at me, it means something is not going as you planned.” You gulped a lump that was suddenly bothering you in your throat as you stared at Robin through the mirror. You weren’t upset. Why would you be? Why would you be upset at all about how things are going? You aren’t. 

“You’re wrong. I’m perfectly fine with what I have now, and, I– I am still talking to other people.”

“Bullshit! Jeff is the only one you’ve been seeing for a month now or more and you confessed to me that no one fucks you like–”

“Yeah, yeah, got it! I know what I said but– We aren’t exclusive even! So– Who knows? Maybe he is out there, fucking someone else right now!” You froze for a second at your words. Could that be happening? Could that be something that Eddie was doing? You two don’t really talk about being with other people, nor have you had any indication of him sleeping with someone else but, he is in all his right. He can do whatever he wants, just like you can. You just decide not to because you’re afraid of being disappointed and embarrassed for the other person for not performing like Eddie does.

That was all. 

“Well then, make it exclusive!” Robin’s voice was loud, which made you shush her with a movement of the concealer wand as you put it back in the container. You passed the tube to her and opened the powder to set it on your neck. 

“I won’t because we don’t want that.” You could feel the pulse in your neck becoming quicker the longer you held this conversation.

“How do you know he doesn’t want that?” Robin’s voice was slowly starting to annoy you as you walked back to your desk, ripping the concealer out of her hands to put it back in your purse. 

“We talked about it already, and we just want to keep having sex. That is all there is.” You straightened up, fixing your blazer and turning to look at her. “So?”

Robin looked you up and down and did an ok sign with her fingers, “Unnoticeable.”

“Perfect. Do you have any idea what she wants?” You asked as you walked out of your office, Robin closing the door behind her as you two went to the elevator.

“I have no idea. She wants everyone to be in the cafeteria for an announcement. I don’t know what could possibly be.” Robin replied as you two got into the elevator and pressed for the second floor, the door closing in front of you. “She’s not retiring, isn’t she?”

“Oh my god, Robin, Liana is only forty-one.” To your answer, Robin shrugged. Once the doors opened, you all walked out and moved to the cafeteria where many people were already waiting and talking to eachother, speculating into what the news could be. You wondered if any of the rumors that were happening were true. 

Some speculated she was resigning. Some speculated the company was going to close down. Some were saying she was just going to give out the announcement for a better salary. You did not have a single clue what was happening, except for the fact Liana seemed happier, and she was being less strict with everything around her. Fuck, maybe she was resigning.

You stood next to Robin who was already grabbing a muffin from the counter, but your nerves didn’t let you sit still. You couldn’t even think of eating something right now, afraid that it would get caught in your throat. You had a feeling something you weren’t going to like was going to happen, but maybe it was just your nerves and the client situation throwing you off… and the talk you just had with Robin.

Liana walked in, smiling as she greeted a few, coming over to stand in the middle of the cafeteria. Everyone greeted her like the superstar she was, a renamed magazine director. A magazine that despite the technological changes, it’s up and running, changing it from the public view, to only be a magazine, a catalogue, for clothing brands. 

“Okay, hello!” Liana greeted you all, and you fidgeted in your place as she looked all over the employees, or well, most of them, which weren’t a lot. Just thirty people in the building right now. “So, I bet you are all not figuring out why I called you here.”

“No idea Liana, so please, spare us from the anxiety.” A male coworker laughed, which prompted everyone to let out a chuckle, as well as Liana.

“Sure, it’s going to be quick. For the next month… I will be looking for a temporary replacement.” Your eyes widened as you turned to look at Robin, who was wide-eyed just as you were.

“Temporary?” Someone asked and your eyes looked back at Liana, and you just felt a shiver run down your spine. Something was telling you to get out of there. Something was telling you to simply run away. Something was telling you that you shouldn’t listen to this.

“Yes… I have been hiding something from all of you. My personal life is something I wanted to keep apart from my work as much as I could, but these new decisions require me to be open about it now.” You felt your blood going cold. Your hands were tense. Your tongue was dry.

“Don’t tell me…” Robin’s whisper was far away as you only focused on Liana, who was smiling widely, her hands opening her blazer, and there happened to be a belly. A swollen belly. A pregnant belly.

“I’m going on maternity leave. I’m six months pregnant.”

If there was any clapping, any cheering, any kind of reaction to that, you were numb to it. You were deaf to whatever was happening. Everything moved in slow motion for you right now, and you were trying to process what she had just said. You were trying to make it make sense but it just didn’t. How? When?

She is pregnant. Your boss is fucking pregnant. Everyone is getting pregnant.

You want to leave. You want to run away but you can’t. Just because it didn’t happen for you, it doesn’t mean people can’t live that. Just because you couldn’t make it happen doesn’t mean others cannot. You had to be rational about it. You had to be a grown up and you have moved on from this. You did.

So why do you feel like throwing up? Why do you feel like the world is crumbling on top of your head? Why do you feel like you won’t reach anything you ever want? Why are you so envious? Why?

“Baby, snap out, please.” Robin’s words made you blink, looking at her through lost eyes. Her eyebrows were met in the middle in a worried frown. Pity. You could see the pity and you didn’t want to see it, or feel it. 

“I’m fine. I’m alright, just shocked, I didn’t even… know she had a partner.” You tried to play it cool as shock and not utter disappointment in your life. You were trying to play it off as if it wasn’t one of the worst things you heard in the past week.

“It’s… okay to feel sad– You just had a client–”

“My two doves!” Liana’s voice broke you from your conversation with Robin, making you look at her with words being stuck in your throat. You didn’t want to face her but you had to. You were being childish. You need to make your heart stop turning a bit in your chest cavity and tell your stomach to stop flipping upside down.

“Hi Liana…” Robin was side-eyeing you as you kept looking at your boss, your breaths quite heavy. “I’m– Congratulations! I didn’t know you had a partner!”

“Oh, yes! I do, it was kind of… an on and off thing until we decided to make it work and well… take the next step for me before it was too late and all!” Your boss said with a smile and– The baby was going to be born in something that was broken? Your throat was dry, not even gulping down saliva helped. Liana turned to look at you, “I’m sorry for not telling you. Especially you.”

You didn’t know what to say. You had to say something. This was like a praise coming from her because it meant you were one of her favorites. You cleared your throat, and you were hoping you were mustering a smile, because you couldn’t exactly feel your face right now.

“I’m not mad, Li. I’m just… very surprised…” You said and she smiled, holding her hand out. You frowned a bit, putting your hand on hers and– No. Please, no. She directed your hand to her belly, so you could press your palm against it and you felt the entire world caving in for you. It was soft. It was so soft and there was a baby in there.

“Still, sorry… But! Can you feel him? A strong baby boy is growing in there!” She was smiling, excited, and she was so happy to make you be the one to touch her belly, something private, something intimate. And all you felt was anger. Sadness. Jealousy. Resentment. 

You forced another of your smiles but the moment you felt her belly bump slightly, signaling the baby inside was moving, the bad thoughts were gone momentarily. Someone so pure, so innocent and beautiful. A baby boy. Your eyes went towards Liana who was smiling expectantly at you, making you tilt your head in question.

“What is it?”

“You’re my first choice.” She whispered and Robin’s eyes widened as you retreated your hand back in shock. 

“Sorry?”

“My replacement. I think it will give you… amazing training. I will be looking at others just in case you decide to not take it but… It will give you a pay raise and it stays that way even when I return from my leave… and then… when I retire…” 

Was Liana telling you she wanted to make you her successor? She wanted to train you to be the next CEO of this company? You should be so happy. You should be up on the moon by this revelation. You knew you were one of Liana’s favorites but never to this extent. And even now, realizing this, your smile was still forced. Your excitement was forced. Your happiness was forced.

“Are you serious? Do you seriously think I can do a good job?” Your voice was small, and Liana only smiled as she nodded and then put a finger over her lips to signal you to keep quiet and then looked at Robin.

“Not a word of this, especially you babbling Robin.” Robin only gave a salute in response as Liana winked at the both of you and walked away. You just stood there, seeing how she put her hand on her belly as she walked to the next set of people. You felt your heart combusting into itself, a huge fire expanding all over you, and you had to try to shake it off. You had to try to shake this moment away because you were feeling humiliated. Defeated.

“Wow, I’m happy for you!” You knew Robin was trying to look at the bright side of things for you. You knew she was trying her best and that she could see the twitch in your eye. The way your gaze didn’t leave Liana’s belly for one second. A baby that was sporadically planned. A baby that, maybe, was planned to save a marriage. 

It wasn’t fair.

“I… yeah.” You finally turned to look at Robin, and you felt your hand itching to reach your phone. To text someone. Him. You wanted to text Eddie. You wanted to see Eddie but why? He is a friend, first and foremost and he has had your back in bad situations before. That’s why. You just feel like you can count on him. That’s all there was.

“We should… go out and celebrate tonight! Go to Jon’s bar and have a few drinks…” Your eyes were distant and your mind suddenly switched. You shouldn’t be sad. You shouldn’t. You were offered to take over Liana’s spot while she was gone. A CEO position! It was big shit! You give her a slow nod, a small genuine smile finally appearing on your lips as Robin could almost sigh in relief.

“Yeah. Yeah! I mean it’s not an official thing, but she said it! I’m her top choice! And you bet your ass Robin I’m taking it.” Robin did a small little happy dance for you, giving a small clap and you finally felt a little bit of the tension you were feeling leave your shoulders.

As long as you don’t look at your boss’ belly, you’ll be fine.

You took another shot with Robin. This being your fourth one of the night.

Nancy was sitting next to her, in front of you, while next to you sat the man you’ve been wanting to see since yesterday night. Since today morning. Since today afternoon. Eddie smirked as he drank his water, having drank only one shot but keeping the status of designated driver in check.

“A CEO, now that’s something else.” Eddie mentioned as you turned your head to look at him, the alcohol not kicking in at all for you, unlike Robin who was already buzzing with it, nudging Nancy who was giggling next to her. 

“I am not a CEO yet, but I am going to be trained to be one.” He hummed in approval, raising his glass at you, prompting you to raise your daiquiri, a sweet drink to show your happiness. That’s definitely what you felt. You two clinked glasses and then you felt your knee being squeezed slightly underneath the table, making your breath hitch for a second.

“Congrats, Peach. You deserve that.” His smile was genuine as he directed it your way and you had to stop your damn heart from beating so fast. There was no need for it to go that quickly. 

“Damn right she does! She got so many clients!” Robin said with a cheer, making you flush as she praised you in front of your friends, making you look down at your glass as you took a sip from it.

“Why are you going into training, though?” Nancy asked, and you stiffened in your place for a second, and the man next to you noticed. You cleared your throat and opened your mouth to talk but Robin beat you to it, which made your blood go cold, not wanting to give the actual explanation or even hear it.

“Liana is leaving because–”

“I’m going to the bar to get another drink.” You said as you raised from your seat, the warm hand that was on your knee retreating for you to scoot away and out of the booth with your almost empty daiquiri glass. You want a beer now. You really want a beer. You know Robin will tell them, but you do not want to listen to it. You don’t want to see the pitiful looks on their faces, much less Eddie’s.

You slowly walked through the crowd, the bar a little crowded thanks to it being a happy hour on a Thursday. Many people came here after work, just like all of you did many times. You reached the bar, Jonathan smiling as he walked up to you from behind it as he cleaned a glass.

“Another one?”

“I want a beer.” His smile faded as a frown now came to happen in his eyebrows and you knew he realized something changed, that something happened.

“Did something happen over there?” You shook your head as a signal of not wanting to talk about it. He gave a single nod as he leaned downwards, grabbing a beer out of the ice bucket. He popped it open as he handed the bottle to you and took the glass of your daiquiri away from you. “Don’t drink too much, you got work tomorrow.”

“Are you my mom?” You gave him a small smile, which he reciprocated, shaking his head at you. His head perked up when he heard someone calling him from the other side of the bar. He gave you a wink before moving away from you, leaving you to stand there with the beer in front of you. You took a long sip of it, feeling the bitterness run down your throat and you groaned at it. 

Why did it have to hit you once again? Why did they have to ask? You didn’t want to turn around, afraid that the group of three might be looking your way with frowns on their faces. You didn’t want to go back and hear the typical ‘It will be okay’. You don’t care. You shouldn’t care.

“Darling?”

Your body froze.

That wasn’t Eddie’s voice. That wasn’t Jonathan’s voice. That wasn’t any of the people you knew in this town’s voice. No. It cannot be. It shouldn’t be. It’s just someone with the same vocal chords, people can have identical voices. It can happen. But, you need to make sure. You need to make sure that it’s not what you think it is. Who you think it is.

Your head turned to your left and you felt your heart dropping to the floor. You no longer feel the cold of the beer in your hand as you stare at the blue-colored eyes in front of you, at the blonde hair that was nice and kept, at the office attire he was wearing. No. Why? Why now? Why here? Why in the bubble you had created for over a year? Why?

“I thought that my eyes had deceived me, but it really is you.” He dared to send a smile your way. He dared to fucking smile at you. He dared to talk to you. He dared to even acknowledge you.

“Henry.” He straightened up in his seat at your small voice. You were just staring at him, wide eyed, frozen. You couldn’t feel your limbs. This was not right. 

“Hi, darling.” You noticed the twinge of nervousness in his tone and you finally felt your body tremble a little bit. You could feel the adrenaline rushing all over as your stomach flipped inside out. 

“Don’t… Don’t call me that.” You stuttered, looking away from him, anywhere, but your vision was blurry, hazy even. Was the alcohol finally hitting you? Right now? No, that wasn’t it. No.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… It’s nice to see you’re… fine.” How fucking dare he say that to you? The pent-up anger was rising in your throat like vile, but then it was just a feeling of pure humiliation as you remembered the two pregnant women you saw today. Something that could have happened to you if he hadn’t gone cheating on you with your best friend. If he hadn’t tricked you. If they hadn’t done an illegal thing to you. 

“Fine…” You scoffed at him, still with a lost look in your eyes, not wanting to look at him. Your tongue was hurting you, your throat was closing up on you, and you felt every inch of your body wanting to rip open. 

“I– I asked your mom where you went… She didn’t really want to give me any details, and that was fair but… I didn’t think I would need a business trip to meet you here.” You finally dared to look at him. Why was he saying these things to you? Why did he even care to talk to you after what he’d done to you?

“I did the divorce papers, and I left, and you should be fucking thankful I didn’t have the energy to take legal action for what you two did to me.” Your mouth was moving all by itself as you talked to him, and Henry sighed, giving a nod your way.

“I know, I know, but– I never got to tell you I am sor–”

“Don’t you even fucking dare to go there.” You wanted to smash the beer in his face. You wanted to bolt out of there. You needed to run. You felt your fingers having an itch to connect to his face in a fist. Did he think the word ‘sorry’ would mend things up? Did he think he would redeem himself with that stupid single word?

“I know we hurt you, but I’m honestly glad you’re alright–”

“Alright? Alright… Yes… In another city, away from my own mother. Yes. I am alright.” He noticed the sarcasm in your voice, the hatred and the pain displayed in your eyes and when you stared at him you couldn’t help but remember how your hand felt over the swollen belly. How the baby moved inside. How it felt to touch something you might never have. How it felt to touch the one thing you thought he would help you in getting.

“You need to calm down, I just– I just wanted to say hi–”

“Hello.” 

Now that voice you recognized. Your head turned to your left as well as Henry’s did. You saw how Eddie’s gaze was trained on him. How he was scanning every inch of your ex husband, not knowing it was him. You– You wanted to leave. You wanted to run away.

“Who are you?” Henry asked as he looked at you and then back at Eddie. He pointed back and forth, “Do you know him?”

“Yes… a friend.” Eddie’s eyes only looked at you when he noticed how small your voice was. You knew he felt something was wrong, and it seems he realized you were not going to introduce the two of them.

“I’m Eddie. You are?” You just stood there, staring at Henry as the asshole smiled politely, sticking his hand out. 

“I’m Henry. Um… Her Ex-Husband. Old friend.” 

You could feel how silent everything went between the three of you. You turned to look at Eddie and– His eyes were staring at Henry’s face. You noticed a vein popping on the side of his neck, and even with all the tattoos, you started to notice the redness that was starting to slowly appear. Your senses were slowly coming back to you as your intuition was telling you that something was going to happen.

“Henry… huh.” Eddie’s voice was low, sending chills down your spine. You didn’t expect Eddie to take Henry’s hand, shaking it slowly. You could use Eddie as a scapegoat, tell Henry to go away, or maybe you could leave, but– “Yeah, I know you.”

And then it was a blur. First you were watching how Eddie was shaking your ex-husband’s hand, and the next, Eddie had pulled him towards him and head-butted Henry right in the middle of the forehead. Then it was a punch. Then another. Then on the floor. Then more punches. You could hear yelling, screaming, Jonathan pulling Eddie away from Henry with your help.

You saw Henry on the floor, holding his face, his nose all bloody, a busted lip. How many punches did Eddie throw? You weren’t sure. Your body was moving, but your mind was not registering anything of what was happening. There was a lot of yelling, Nancy and Robin grabbing you and pulling you out of the bar with Eddie and Jonathan. 

Your eyes caught sight of Eddie still screaming, yelling, his eyes could have been red from the fury that you could feel emanating from him. Jonathan was screaming too as well as Nancy, maybe trying to calm Eddie down, but all you could focus on was the man that just hit your ex-husband square in the face. 

“We need to get out of here. Let’s get her home.” Was that Robin or Nancy? You didn’t know. You just felt yourself being moved, slowly regaining your senses back. You could hear Eddie talking to the girls as you all got into his car, wondering where he drives first.

“I want to be alone.” You were still looking at Eddie and he understood your sign. You could see the bit of confusion in his face that you decided to be with him, instead of Robin.

“You sure?” Robin was asking next to you, even with the slurring in her tongue, you knew she was worried for you. You appreciated it, you nodded at her but– You didn’t need her. You didn’t know what you needed. You needed a distraction as the images came back to your head, the alcohol finally hitting you after the adrenaline that just happened.

You felt your heart bursting as you got inside the passenger’s seat, Nancy and Robin in the back. Eddie was still looking your way, but all you could do was stare forward as he got into the driver’s seat. The car was moving, the lights were passing but all you could see were the smiling women holding their bellies. Henry and Camila in your bed fucking after your third consecutive procedure. 

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair.

Why here? Why did he have to have business here? Why? It wasn’t fair. Was he alone? You didn’t check if he had remarried. You didn’t want to check. You shouldn’t want to. Why would you want to? To see the people that hurt you have what they took away from you? What if Camila was also pregnant? Maybe she was. Maybe she fucking was by now. 

It wasn’t fair. 

“Call me if you need anything. I’ll be here.” You felt a kiss on your temple and you knew Robin had leaned forward from in between the passenger’s and driver’s seats and planted a kiss there. Or was it just pressure?

The car’s doors opened and closed and then it was just the wooden scent cologne and yourself. The drive started again, and you felt so numb. You felt dead. You needed to feel alive again, and Eddie might help with that. You needed Eddie. You wanted Eddie. 

The car ride was silent, and you couldn’t even look at him. It was humiliating for you that he met the man that fucked you over. That broke you. You didn’t want Eddie to be looking at you with worry or pity. You didn’t need that. You didn’t need people to feel sorry for you. You are strong, and you have been strong until now. 

You weren’t going to break. Not again.

The moment he parked, he looked your way as you got out of the car and you motioned for him to follow you. It was silent, it was too silent, but you just needed to reach your apartment. With Eddie. 

The moment you two walked inside your apartment, you felt the heat all over your body, the adrenaline, the emotions just traveling in every blood cell and white cell. You walked towards the couch as you heard the door closing, and you plopped down. 

“Peach… are you alright?” You heard his voice, but you could hardly register what he was asking. You felt the couch dip beside you and you turned your head to finally look at him and– He was looking at you with the eyes you didn’t want. He was staring at you with that pitiful look in his face that you didn’t need.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” You asked, which made him blink your way and you didn’t even register your movements, that you were already climbing up on his lap, his eyes wide in surprise as you cradled his face in your hands. Your lips connected to his and you sighed in relief as you felt the warmth of his kiss against yours. 

Your hips swayed against him, and you felt him groan into the kiss as your arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer, flushing your body against him. His hands grabbed onto your waist, his head pulling back for a second as your breath hit his lips.

“Peach, hold on–” You didn’t listen, your head in overdrive as you kissed him again, this time a little more forcefully than before. You didn’t want to think and you didn’t want to talk. You didn’t want to remember any of the events of today or from a year prior. You just needed to feel some warmth, some release. Your chest was against his as your hips kept moving against his, making you sigh into his mouth.

You took this opportunity to let go of him, not breaking the kiss, so you could take off your blazer and throw it away. You didn’t care for much right now, just that you needed to feel him. That you needed him. That you needed to shut your brain down with pleasure, but Eddie was not following your plan, which was making you grow irritated, desperate. He pulled away from your lips again, trying to talk once more.

“Hang on, for just a second–” And you didn’t let him. Your head dove into his neck, biting it gently, eliciting a grunt from his part.

“I need it.” Your voice was a whisper into his skin, your hands traveling to go underneath his shirt, ready to rip it away from him. The images need to go away. The memories need to disappear. Everything needs to go away. 

“Sweetheart–” You started kissing on his pulse point, your hips rubbing once more against him, and you could feel the bulge that started appearing but– He ripped you away from him, roughly, grabbing onto your biceps tightly. He was breathing heavily as he glared at you, and your eyes finally found his.

“Ed–”

“You don’t need this. You don’t need me like this… You need something else, Peach… I can give that too.” 

You just looked at him for a good while. This man that you consider a best friend at this point, despite what the two of you do behind closed doors and under your friends’ noses. Your eyes looked towards the hand that was holding your left bicep and– His knuckles were bloody. His knuckles were red and his skin had been cut. He hurt himself to hurt the man that hurt you.

And everything started sinking in.

Your eyes started burning with the incoming tears as you couldn’t handle the pain. The anger. The sadness. The disappointment. The humiliation you suffered. The struggle of seeing the cause of your pain once again after a year of running away from it. 

Your body shook as tears started leaving your eyes and going down your cheeks. You turned to look at him again, his eyes finding yours, telling you he was here. Telling you he was not going anywhere. You needed Eddie, just not in the way you thought. Your body shook aggressively three times thanks to trying to hold back sobs, only for the fourth one to finally come out.

Then it was one after the other. Eddie’s arms wrapped around your body, pulling you flush to him, laying your head on his shoulder as he let you cry on him. Once again, he was holding you as you cried. He was holding you through something you didn’t think you were going to relive again. You let out cries of pain, staining his shirt with your tears and makeup, but he didn’t care. He never pulled you off him. His hands rubbed your back as he rocked you from side to side and you couldn’t help but just cling to him.

You needed Eddie like this. You wanted Eddie like this.

You wanted Eddie to hold you all day. To tell you that everything was going to be alright. That everything was going to work out. You wanted him to kiss you, to forget, yet to not do more than just that. You wanted Eddie to keep holding you like this, close to him. You wanted more than just the roughness of a kiss or the insinuating touch. 

But it was a thought that your burdened and drunken mind could focus on tomorrow. Right now, you have to cry. You have to cry about the unfairness. You have to cry about what could have been. You are letting yourself cry and he is holding you and rocking you from side to side, soft shushes in your ears–

“I’m here, Peach… I got you, baby. I got you.” 

And when you closed your eyes, you drifted off. You were expecting that in your sleep you would be encountered with nightmares of your past, images of the memories that consumed your being. Instead, you dreamed of your friends. Instead, you dreamed of someone. Instead, you dreamed that somehow, somebody, was telling you to not lose hope. To not let a low life make you think you are not worthy of something like that. Of a family.

Your eyes opened to the sunlight entering your room through the sheer curtains. You winced slightly at the brightness, turning your head to find yourself all alone in your bed. You were wearing a shirt, some sleeping shorts, and you don’t really remember changing. You slowly sat up on your bed, wincing as you felt your body a little sore for some reason, and your neck was stiff.

Your cell phone caught your eyes, and you reached over to grab it, seeing that it was 10 AM. You scrolled through the screen, seeing a message from Robin, Nancy, Jonathan… Everyone was wondering how you were doing. You replied to everyone, telling them you were okay, and in all honesty… you felt lighter. You had overslept, missing work, and there was simple message from Liana telling you Robin told her you felt sick and to get better. You had the day off.

God bless Robin.

The sound of a pan falling outside your bedroom door startled you, making you jump. Oh, Eddie stayed. He didn’t go home. He stayed with you until the morning. Your heart rocked in your chest from side to side and you didn’t mind it this time. You didn’t tell it to calm down. Your feet found the floor, and you walked towards the door, slowly opening it and walking out towards your kitchen to see Eddie cursing as he scrambled some eggs. 

He was shirtless, wearing his boxers only, and your eyes trained on the couch. You winced slightly because of your behavior from last night. You tried to jump his bones when he was trying to stop you, and you feel so pathetic and little for falling into that dark place. You had to apologize and thank him for everything. Your eyes trained on his back, and you felt your stomach flipping inside, or were they butterflies? Nerves? 

“Eds–”

You saw him jump and basically screech, making your eyes go wide as your hand covered your mouth, containing a snort at the display. He turned around to look at you, spatula in one hand, the pan on the other. 

“You fucking scared me Peach, I didn’t think you would wake up until later.” He sighed, letting the air he gasped in when he got scared out. You couldn’t help but smile as he turned around and continued cooking. “The eggs are almost done, and also, you have a four-bread toaster, now that’s fancy shit.” 

“I won it at one of my company’s raffles.” Your voice was calm, walking over to the island counter to sit on one of the stools. You rested your elbows on the marble and put your chin on your hands, and just watched him. You watched him move in your kitchen as if he had always done this. Acting as if this is a common thing you two do every time you hook up with eachother, but this is one of the rare times you two had breakfast together. 

“Oh, can you get me one?”

“You can literally buy it at any electronics store!” You giggled, and he turned around with a cheeky smile on his face that made you crumble a little in your seat.

“It feels better when you win something.” He turned around and turned off the stove, dumping the scrambled eggs on two plates that already had two pieces of toast each. You felt pressure in your chest, a good one, as he turned around and placed the plate in front of you before he opened the fridge, taking out water and juice. He sat on the counter after placing them in front of the two of you and he presented it with both his hands. “Ta-da!”

You smiled at the plate before you, sitting up straight as you grabbed the water to pour yourself some in your glass, as Eddie served himself some juice. It felt domestic. Right. 

“We’ll see how good these eggs are, Munson.” He huffed at you as he grabbed a toast and placed some of the eggs on it with a fork.

“I make the best eggs in all Indiana, sweetheart.” He boosted himself as he took a big bite. Your smile faded as you saw the bruises and the bandaids on his knuckles. You dropped your fork as your hands moved quickly to hold on to his hand, making him almost drop the toast. He winced as he tried to chew– “Easy.”

“You hurt yourself.” His eyes clashed with yours as your body turned completely on the stool to face him. He sighed as he swallowed the bite, getting his hand out of your grasp to put the toast down. 

“He got it worse. I’m sorry, I couldn’t… contain myself when I realized who he was. I couldn’t help it.” He wasn’t really looking at you, but his jaw was clenched and you knew he was still angry, which instead of confusing you, it only made you happy. It made you feel cared for by someone.

“So you… punched him to defend my honor?” You tried to play it off with a small chuckle, but his eyes turned to look at you, serious, filled with something you couldn’t really decipher.

“Every punch I delivered yesterday was not even close enough to what he deserves. What he did, what they did to you… you didn’t deserve any of that.” Your smile had fallen, your eyes burning as you kept staring at him. Your jaw clenched as you felt the beginning of a lump forming in your throat.

“You didn’t… have to do it… but thank you…” He softly smiled at you, giving you a small nod.

“Yeah… I’m kind of banned from going to Jonathan’s bar for a while though… he got mad at me, pretty bad.” He chuckled nervously, and you winced a bit, looking down at your hands, feeling guilty at the situation. He went silent for a second, and he was probably deliberating if to talk about this with you or not. “Robin told us… about why you’re going into training.”

Your blood went cold once again, the memories of yesterday coming back. The news you received. The opportunity those news gave you. The emotions you felt the day before were too much… too much that you crashed out.

“I… yeah…” Your voice was small and fragile. You hated that you sounded like this but– at the same time you didn’t care he was hearing it. You didn’t know why you didn’t care, but you just didn’t. His body turned to face you, his hands pressing on your knees as he leaned to talk to you. Your eyes found his and you suddenly felt… warm.

“It will happen for you…” He stared at you for a while before he continued, “Let’s make a deal.”

“A deal?” Your eyebrow perked up in question and he nodded, his face serious with a glint of mischief and something else.

“When we turn 30, and if we are single… I’ll give you one.”

Your world stopped for a second. Maybe two. Three? What was he saying? 

“I… what?” You were shocked, stunned, not really sure if what just came out of his lips was real or if you had hallucinated it. He gave you a fond smile, his teeth showing.

“If we are single when we turn thirty, I’ll sign any papers you need, and we’ll have a baby together.” Your eyebrows twitched as your eyes kept burning and your body was trying to react in a way that you couldn’t contain much longer. 

“Why… I– You would have a kid… You are willing to have a baby with me? You don’t have to feel… sorry for me…” You were trying to not let your voice crack at the prospect of it. He was promising you a baby. This man in front of you, your friend, your best friend, the man you are fucking in a recurrent manner is promising to give you a baby if the time came that you didn’t have one yet, and both of you were without a partner.

“I want kids. I want a family too someday, and I honestly– Don’t think…” He bit his tongue for a second before continuing, “And I think that you would be the greatest mom in the entire world, so… it’s a win win for me.” 

This is the first time you heard him say he wanted kids. This is the first time you heard him say he wants a family in the future, something you didn’t know at all. Something that was making you melt and crumble in your stool.

You didn’t know what this meant. You didn’t know what anything of what he was saying meant but you wanted to kiss him. You wanted to hug him and kiss him and– Was his heart racing the way yours was? His stomach nervously hurting like yours was? The hairs on his arms standing on end like yours were?

“Eddie, you… You are promising something– something so fucking huge.” His smile fell a little, and he nodded, his eyes staring into yours as he talked.

“And you are the only one I trust enough to make this promise to.” You slowly shook your head at him, thinking this was insane, but– you wouldn’t mind it. Having Eddie’s baby? It didn’t sound entirely wrong. Maybe not even a little bit wrong. 

“You’re… insane.” You couldn’t help it as you let out a snort, and he nodded, a chuckle escaping him. 

“Maybe… so, deal, Peach?” His eyes were sincere as they looked at you, and you realized he meant every single word. He meant everything he said. Everything he promised. Maybe it won’t happen. Maybe he gets a girlfriend or maybe you find… 

“Deal.” You responded quickly, and he smiled widely, straightening up and putting his hand out for you to shake. You took a deep trembling breath in as you smiled and shook his hand.

“Nice doing business with you, fair lady.” You giggled and shook your head, your hand holding his. You inspected his knuckles with your fingers and you slowly raised it up to your lips. You didn’t watch his reaction, but you felt him fall in complete silence as he sat still in front of you. You finally let a tear roll down your cheek as you brush your lips against his knuckles.

“Thank you…” You softly whispered, and he leaned forward, your breathing cutting short when you felt him press his lips against your forehead. You could combust in the spot as you felt warmth invade you, your body flushing completely from head to toe.

“Don’t mention it, sweetheart.” He pulled away and you let go of his hand, looking up at him.

“I’m also sorry… for my behavior… last night.” You were embarrassed as you spoke and he shook his head at you, letting you know he understood.

“It’s okay. You snapped out, which is what matters here.” You two stared at one another as he wiped the tear that fell from your eye and you just… wanted to kiss him. You wanted to hug him and hold him and… He cleared his throat as he turned towards his plate. “We should eat.” 

You nodded and turned to your plate as well, putting some egg on your toast and bringing it to your mouth. The toast wasn’t as crispy because it got cold now, as well as the eggs, but the taste was sublime, yet, you couldn’t not give him shit for it.

“Mmm… not bad.” Was your comment and Eddie turned to look at you as if he were the most offended person on the planet.

“You take that back and say they’re delicious. It’s not my fault they got cold!” You laughed at him as he kept telling you everything he did with the eggs, and everything felt so right. He wasn’t here to get lucky like all those other times. He wasn’t here because he felt like he had to. He wanted to. He wanted to be with you and cheer you up. 

And he did. You cleaned the dishes afterwards as he grabbed your erotica novels and started reciting paragraphs just to piss you off. You laughed as he made up the different voices, moaning when the book said it, or grunting stupidly, and you threw your wet right glove to his face. 

He gasped, rushing towards you so he could rub the glove on your face, making you squeal and try to push him away in disgust. You two laughed as the glove fell on the floor, his arms still holding you close to him. Your heart beat loudly in your chest as you breathed heavily, his face close to yours and you just… 

“I should go home…” He whispered, and you really wanted him to spend the day with you but you knew Robin was going to come to your house at lunch or even earlier, so you nodded slowly.

“Yeah… Robin might just… appear…” He gulped and your lip twitched as you felt your body burn wildly, and you wanted to kiss him. You needed to kiss him. Change the dynamic of your goodbyes, but what if he didn’t want that? What if you were reading all of this wrong? Were you?

But he beat you to it, his jaw clenching as he talked softly, his forehead pressing against yours.

“I don’t want anything… just…” You nodded desperately at him and he leaned forward to finally kiss you. It was soft, tender, and it made every single one of your worries leave your body. You didn’t know why he was kissing you, but you knew why you were kissing him back. Your arms wrapped around his shoulders to pull him closer as your lips smacked with one another’s.

He hummed in between the kiss and you felt his arms and hands holding you in a way you haven’t felt in a long while. You stayed like that for a few seconds before he begrudgingly pulled away, licking his lips as you looked at him, and you didn’t want to let him go, but you had to. 

“So… I’ll… see you later?” You asked, filled with hope, and he gave you a small smile, nodding slowly as he leaned to give you a soft peck on the lips, melting you on the spot.

“Yeah. I’ll message you later. Tell me if you need anything, okay?”

“You’ve done enough, Eddie…” He chuckled and shook his head at you.

“Okay, so I guess you won’t need my scrambled eggs anymore.” You gasped, shaking your head at him, and he smiled triumphantly. “Ah, so my eggs were, in fact, delicious.”

You rolled your eyes and shook your head, pulling away from him to flick him on the right nipple making him squeal and cover it. You saw him walk to your bedroom, and you probably didn’t even notice the pile of clothes he left on the floor or on the desk. You were just staring at his retreating back as you bit your bottom lip, wondering if you should ask him to just stay, to tell Robin to not worry and not come over but you knew that she would not have it. 

When he returned he was all dressed, feeling the keys in his pocket as well as his wallet and phone, making sure he had everything as you put the gloves to dry over the sink counter. You walked to the front door with him, opening the door as he looked at you with something that just told you it was right to do what you wanted to do. So you rose on your tippy toes to give him a peck on the lips to which he returned with another one.

“Bye Eddie… thank you again.” You couldn’t help but keep thanking him, and he took it, smiling down at you.

“Don’t mention it. Bye, Peach.” He walked out, and you waited for him to get to the elevator. He gave you a salute as he got inside and the doors closed before him. You let out a sigh you didn’t know you were holding in and closed your door, leaving you alone in your home once again. 

You rested against it, looking down at the floor as your heart beat to an incredible speed, your stomach filled with something you couldn’t deny were butterflies. Butterflies you have been feeling for a long while. Butterflies you faked by calling them nerves or anxiety or adrenaline whenever you saw him. 

He didn’t promise what he promised just because you were sad. He didn’t just make a promise in order to make you happy. He made a deal with you that felt true even if it’s years away and you don’t even know if Eddie Munson would still be in your life. But fuck, you hoped he did. You hoped he did and that you two would be in a different situation than you are right now.

Because you didn’t want to just hook up with him. It’s time you came to terms with that fact. You wanted to kiss him. You wanted to spend time with him. You wanted to invite him to dinner, watch movies with you, play games, and you were hoping that this new change meant something to him as much as it meant to you. 

And suddenly the troubles from yesterday were nonexistent. The troubles from yesterday and the memories were not as painful as they had hurt you the day before. You knew it was thanks to him. You knew that Robin would not have possibly made you feel the way you are today, and that is mean to say, but he filled the dark hole that resided in your mind. He knew what you needed when you didn’t even know it yourself. 

You needed him. In more ways than one could possibly imagine. You don’t know how you will tackle the relationship now that you came to terms with this. You don’t know how you should act or what you should say to him. You don’t know how to tell him you don’t want him to see someone else. You don’t know how to tell him you want him all for yourself. You don’t know how to tell him all of that without giving yourself away.

Because you’re fucked.

Because you like him.

You like Eddie Munson. You really like Eddie Munson.

end of chapter 21

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Why Him?

Teen!Schlatt x childhood friend!reader previous part here Summary: The third part of this series. Teen!Schlatt so badly wants to take you to formal, but can't find the nerve to do so. He misses his chance and struggles to deal with thinking about you with someone else. Warnings: Angst, panic attacks, violence, kinda gross talk about reader in a suggestive way A/N: we're jumping back in time for this one! It'll make more sense the timeline in the next part. I was gonna post one big hella long one but people were asking for the next part so I broke it up! Gotta feed ya'll. I’m also dumb and originally had Alex’s name during the fight instead of Pete so sorry for any confusion! Thank you anon!

"Do you think you'll ask them?" Alex asks Schlatt as the pair pack up their baseball gear after practice. It has been a topic that Schlatt had been dreading, but the season had arrived and the talks of the formal were inevitable. Already, at practice some of the team had been bragging; Josh and Tom had already asked their long term partners, while Joey was annoyed his girlfriend was pissed at him for not asking them. The rest of the guys had been brainstorming ideas between drills, of who to ask and how to ask them. Until now, Schlatt had managed to dodge the question.

"Ask who, what?" He asks, feeling his cheeks begin to flush already as he undoes his laces, avoiding Alex's eye as he hears him chuckle beside him.

"Dude come on," Alex laughs, "Y/N. Are you gonna ask them to the dance?"

His breathe catches in his throat as he pauses his movement, glancing over at Alex briefly before looking down again, "why would I do that?"

"Stop being a dick," Alex laughs as he stands up and slings his bag over his shoulder, leaning against the dugout cage, "everyone knows you want to."

"Me?" Schlatt forces a laugh as he kicks his cleats off and shoves them into his bag, "ask them?"

Alex just stares at him when Schlatt rises, tossing his bag over his shoulder and shoving hands in his hoodie pocket as he shrinks into himself under Alex's knowing gaze. He's giving Schlatt the most incredulous look, like he's suddenly sprouted another head. "Isn't it a bit pathetic?" Schlatt sighs when Alex's stare remains locked on him, "to ask your best friend to the formal?"

"Not when you're in love with them," Alex says, acting like it's the most casual thing in the world even as Schlatt feels the air leave his lungs. "Cause dude you gotta know how many people are lining up to ask them."

"Actually?" Schlatt asks, pausing in his tracks and chewing the inside of his cheek as he feels his stomach churn at the idea, "who?"

"Me for starters," Alex says as he makes his way to the drivers side of his car, laughing and unlocking the door when Schlatt glares at him, "you're getting real worked up for someone who doesn't wanna take them."

"I fucking hate you," Schlatt groans as he tosses his shit in Alex's back seat, "just fucking tell me who."

"Amy, John, that guy from maths with the mullet, Beth S and P, Matheo, Pete -"

"Pete?!" Schlatt asks, his brain finally firing back up as it recovers from the list of names Alex threw at him. He hates the feeling that settles in his stomach at the mere thought of other people wanting you, he hates the things it makes him admit to himself. "Pete wants to ask Y/N?"

Alex nods and begins to talk as he starts the car, but the noise is drowned out by the ringing in Schlatt's ears. He has a complicated friendship with Pete, the pair barely coexisting more often than not, only associating because of baseball. It's not personal, the pair just don't get on, managing to get under each others skin at every occasion possible, even when they don't mean to.

He's not an idiot, he knows how hot you are. Even on days when he's forcing himself to believe he's not in love with you, he can be objective when he says you're hot. He's grossly aware of the stares you get in the hallway, the looks people give you as you walk together. It confuses him, the jealous feeling he gets when he sees people talk about you. It confuses him just as much as it does when he hears another rumor of you turning down another date offer.

He lets it fill him with a false sense of hope, that maybe, just maybe, you're holding out for him to finally make a move. It's a hope he lets settle deep in his chest when he's thinking about you late at night, only to feel it vanish when his nerves get the best of him when he sees you next.

This conversation with Alex has brought him some slight peace. Part of him is glad that people know he's into you; as much as it fills him with dread he hopes that means people may back off for a while to give him a chance to grow some balls and ask you first.

That peace is crushed when he remembers the deadline he's under. he only has 6 weeks till the dance. You can't wait forever.

Pete certainly won't wait forever.

"Dude," Schlatt says to Alex as he takes a deep shaky breath, "you gotta help me ask them man."

---

That was 3 weeks ago. He's tried countless times since then and each time he chickens out. Alex is on his ass almost every day, he cares more about the two of you getting together than Schlatt does at this point.

He stares down at his friend, looking like he's gonna puke as he rests his head on his knees. Alex has been a great friend to Schlatt, and to you throughout the years, but god right now he wanted to kill both of you, "this is getting fucking sad dude."

Schlatt swipes a fist out at Alex's leg who jumps and nudges Schlatt's hand away as he picks up his bag, "hey! Don't take it out on me dude I've been rooting for you."

"I wanna die," Schlatt groans as he leans his head back and looks up at Alex, cringing when the bell goes and the sound of footsteps fill the halls.

You had English last period, on the other side of the school, which gave him a little bit of time to calm himself down as he hid in the flurry of students making their way towards the exit. You always met up after school, even when he had his free period he would hang back and wait for you. He just can't turn down that sad look on your face.

Alex hears his name being called across the hall and turns away briefly, "you'll be fine dude, today's the day I can tell."

Schlatt nods as he looks up at Alex, his friends reasurance surprisngly calming his nerves, "today's the day."

With a promise to talk after baseball practice this afternoon, Alex joins the sea of students that slowly disperse while Schlatt stays rooted to his spot. Slowly, the hallway empties until it's just him left, waiting for you.

He can hear his heart in his ears, beating loudly and agressively with how nervous he is. He reaches into his bag and digs around, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding when his hand meets fluff. He pulls the teddy bear out of his bag and smiles slightly to himself as he reasures himself that it will go well. Today's the day.

He can't help but imagine the grin that will spread across your face when he asks you, the beaming smile and the squeal of excitement that'll slip past your plush lips as you nod.

He wants to feel you jump into his arms as you agree to go with him, holding him tight as you let him wrap his arms around you, telling him how excited you are to go. He wants to walk out of school, holding your hand as you smile happily up at him as you hug the stupid bear he bought you close to your chest, telling him how happy he's made you.

He wants to see that stupid bear in your locker for the rest of the year, or maybe on your bed when he comes to hang out. It will be so different after today, the thought makes his heart race. He'll finally be able to hold you, tell you how much he loves you. You'll finally be his.

"Jay!" your excited voice calls from down the hallway as he hears your footsteps running towards him. He scrambles to quickly shove the bear in his bag as he turns to look over at you, your voice breaking him away from his fantasies. You're beaming at him as you practically skip down the hallway, stopping in front of him as you jump and squeal excitedly.

He laughs as he watches your excitement, your joy infectious as he grins up at you. Your hair is bouncing wildly around your face as you jump, messenger bag rattling around at your side, you look so happy right now. God he hopes he'll make you happier. "What's got you so excited?"

You stop jumping and let out a dreamy sigh as you sink down onto the floor next to him, your legs melting under you as you slide down the wall, leaning your head back against it, "you'll never guess what finally happened?"

Oh fuck.

"What?" he asks, his smile falling as he looks at you. He can't even pretend to be excited anymore. You don't need to answer, he knows already. It's all you've been wishing for for weeks.

"Pete asked me to formal."

He feels sick.

"Pete?" he asks, almost spits the word from his lips as he looks at you, watching your excited smile as you nod happily, oblivious to the pain he's feeling. You've just so innocently and unknowingly, with your excited news, ripped out and stepped on his heart, and looked like an angel while doing it.

He stands up suddenly, the hallway suddenly feeling suffocating as he looks around frantically. Are the walls spinning or is it all in his head? "Pete?" he repeats as he stares down at you, eyes unfocused as he watches the smile fall from your lips.

You look up at him, confused at his lack of excitement and his abrupt movement, "yeah Pete?" you repeat, "you play baseball-"

"I know who he is," he spits as he cuts you off, clenching and unclenching his hands at his side as he sees your confused look turn to one of surprise, "why are you going with Pete?"

You stand up as you look up at Schlatt, taking in his tense body and furrowed brows, "well who else was I meant to go with?"

"Me."

You both fall silent as your face morphs to one of surprise, while his turns to one of shock. You just stare at each other, unsure what to say as you take in his words. He looks at you, mouth parted as he begs his brain to say something, anything to fix his stupidity.

But he doesn't he just stares there dumbly, as he feels his chest tighten. He feels like he can't breathe as he turns towards the exit, his feet feeling numb under him as they begin to move on total auto pilot as he focuses all of his energy on keeping it together.

He feels bile rise in his throat, tears rim his eyes as he walks away from you. He wants to scream. At you, at Pete, at Alex, at himself. At anyone nearby. He doesn't care who, he just needs to get it out.

He hears you rush after him, the noise of your confused, sad voice cutting through the static in his brain, "Schlatt? Where are you going?"

That's all that does it, as the dam breaks and he lets out shaky, panting breaths as he feels hot tears fall down his face. God he's so fucking stupid.

"I'm late for practice," he calls back, swallowing hard as he hopes you don't notice emotion thick on his tongue as he pushes through the school exit and out towards the baseball field. That stupid teddy bear feels like lead in his bag.

---

"Walk," his coach calls out again, for the 6th time today as Schlatt pitches another dud at their practice. He can feel the stares of his team on him as he digs his cleats into the ground.

"Can we take a water break?" one of his teammates asks their coach, and Schlatt's mitt is hitting the ground before he even hears a confirmation. He kicks the fence as he makes his way to the dugout, burying his head in his hands the second he sits down. He feels the suffocating presence of his teammates as they approach, a few of them knowing better than to get involved.

"What's up with you dude?" Alex says as he sits next to him, as he looks at his friend with a mix of confusion and concern, "I thought you'd be excited. did things not go well-"

"I'm just out of it today," Schlatt interrupts before Alex can mention your name, letting out a shaky breath as he tilts his head back and closes his eyes, hating the way his teammates gazes burn into him, "today was not the day".

"Bit slow today are we Schlatt?" a sarcastic voice laughs as it gets closer to the dugout. Schlatt opens his eyes to see pete walking up to him, with a shit eating grin on his face.

"Fuck off."

Pete lets out a mocking laugh, "now now, we don't want Y/N finding out about any bad behavior do we?" he says as though he's scolding a child, smug and sarcastic as Schlatt just glares at him

Alex's eyes widen in realisation as he stands up to put some space between the two boys, "oh shit."

All Schlatt can do is sit there, skin vibrating with anger as he rings his hands in his lap. How did this smug prick fool you into saying yes? You're sweet and friendly and giving. Everything that Pete's not. Everything that he's not.

You're too good for either of them.

"Did you honestly expect them to just wait for you?" he laughs as he pushes Alex to the side, getting up in Schlatt's face, riding high from this win he can hold over the taller boys head, "a fine piece of ass like that?"

"Alright stop that now -" Alex says, trying to keep the peace and pull Pete away from the bench. As much as he didn't want to make these issues worse he wasn't about to hide that he hated Pete. He certainly wasn't gonna let him talk to or about either of his friends that way.

"Like come on, as if they would've said yes anyway."

"They would've," Schlatt says, getting up and taking a step towards Pete, towering over the boy who still stands his ground, "you just got their first."

"You're delusional man," Pete laughs as he roughly shoves Schlatt, "what you think some flowers was gonna convince them that you're anything more than a lost puppy who follows them around?"

Schlatt's face heats up as his intimidating stand over Pete faulters slightly. Pete just grins at Schlatt, turning and walking out of the dugout, "don't worry, I'll take care of her," he says suggestively, turning to smirk back at Schlatt, "I'll send you some pictures if you like?"

That's all it takes for Schlatt to see red.

In an instant he's on Pete, shoving the boy to the ground as he pounces on him, "say that again," Schlatt snarled, his voice a low growl, his fists closing tightly around the collar of Pete’s shirt as he shoves him into the ground, "say that about them one more time."

Pete coughed, trying to push Schlatt off as he feels the air leave his lungs as he connects harshly with the ground. He pushes against Schlatt who just shoves him back down harder, Pete’s head colliding with the fence of the dugout.

His fist collided with Pete’s jaw, a sickening crack echoing through the now silent field. Pete groaned but barely had a second to recover before another blow landed, then another. Schlatt was relentless, rage pulsing through every hit, fist colliding with Pete’s face each time as he gripped his shirt tightly.

He didn't want to think about that, any of it. He hated the thought of Pete taking you to the dance, getting to even see you let alone touch you. You deserve someone who'll treat you right, not taunt your friend with the idea of suggestive pictures of you. Not someone who's currently beating up your date either, he think's as his knuckles keep colliding with Pete.

"You don’t get to talk about her like that!" Schlatt bellowed between punches, his voice raw and ragged. Pete tried to shove him off, but he was too weak, too dazed. Blood smeared across his cheek, his breath coming in shallow gasps.

"Schlatt, stop!" A voice finally broke through the chaos. A strong pair of arms yanked him back, dragging him off Pete. He thrashed against the grip, breath heaving, vision blurred with rage and unshed tears. His couch shoves him back on the bench, shooting him a hard glare as he tells everyone to back up, going to tend to Pete.

Schlatt falls apart when he sits down, shaking with pent up rage and anger as he feels himself begin to cry for the second time today.

What was wrong with him?

---

Thought you all might be interested 🥰 @jellybell92 @olive823 @schlattandcompany @imgayandvoreethatsall

[zith-ipeth]

A dog came into the shop today, his name was Maximus

This is a post about transandrophobia and man hating platitudes

I’ve been sitting around the edge of this discourse because I have stakes and traumas in it, but idk, fuck it, it shouldn’t be discourse.

I see a lot of comparisons between humanity and our canine cousins, it helps me understand modern politics and social issues. This post might not make sense, if I say things that are harmful, I do not mean it. And please for the love of all that is holy correct me, public or private, I’m learning, and making mistakes

—————————

When I was younger, a member of my aunts family, a large mutt named Hunter, jumped on me in a playful gesture, he was about as big as I was at 9 years old, and all muscle. He knocked me over and left a massive claw mark on my stomach. He was a fantastic dog, excitable, very cuddly, loved to play with his siblings. This isn’t to say he was perfect, no one is, he got aggressive, and has barked and bit people before

This can happen with rescues, turns out abuse can often create animals that cuase harm because that’s what they know

No one is one dimensional

In middle school, I was sexually assaulted, emotionally abused and manipulated by a trans boy my age, we were both young, far too young. I can’t say he was nice man, when we grew up he refused to acknowledged any of the harm he had caused, and caused further harm as he got older. But at the time, I knew that what happened wasn’t a cold calculated process, he was too young to have learned this from anything other than abuse that happened onto him

This can happen with trans folks, turns out abuse can often create people that cause harm because that’s what they know

But no one is one dimensional…

———————

Tumblr has been having this whole moment with transandrophobia/transmisandry, it’s, a lot. And for some reason I thought as all this was happening, that my beliefs about it would be kinda, one sided.

Cis men are violent and “bad” due to masculinity: I’ve seen this a thousand times, first and second hand, I’ve felt it, in the shaking hand of a girl sobbing and I’ve felt it as bruises on my abdomen, left by boys older than me.

Trans men are violent and “bad” due to masculinity: I’ve felt this, I’ve been hurt by this, in a way that broke me down in a way nothing else has

But I still felt, off, about it

Mostly because like, yeah, masculinity can be bad and scary, this is true. But it’s not one dimensional like that, masculinity can be amazing too, masculine cis men have saved my ass from being bullied in school more times than I can count.

No one is one dimensional

Also, misandry, even separate from transness, IS REAL, I was a guy for a long time, I felt it. My friend, who was cis, felt it, and still feels it. They have trouble making friends in college because people view them as a threat, due to their masculinity, that’s a real problem

And that problem is multiplied by the intersection of transness

And like yeah, it’s not as societally pervasive as misogyny, but even if it’s small, it’s still there, and still hurts people

I have every excuse to perceive trans men as violent and evil, and yeah, sometimes men, and often trans men, get scary to me, cuase it clicks a response in my brain. But I’m also an adult, and know that I share community with my cis and trans masc allies.

And somthing interesting about the boy who assaulted me, is how fast people were to take away his transness, my friends started using his old names, using dehumanizing pronouns he didn’t use, saying that it was “man behavior”. He’s a trans man, he was a bad person, those arnt connected, and one shouldn’t effect the other, being perceived as the gender you are isn’t a “reward” for good behavior. he was an asshole, and a liar, but he was man.

I get how one can be scared when someone is part of a group when someone in that identity group hurt you, but learning to love those people is incredibly fulfilling, and is something you must do as a trans ally

The relationships with men, trans and cis, I’ve had have been some of the most fun, flirtatious and physically/mentally stimulating relationships I’ve ever had

——————

Today at the pet supply shop I work at, a dog named Maximus came in

Massive, maybe 115 pound mastiff, clipped ears, docked tail, golden chain collar. His person was a built man, shaved head, full beard.

They came in for a self serve bath, and when they left, Maximus was wagging the nub of his tail, tapping his paws and whining, smelling all the amazing smells in the store. I got down to his level to pet him, and he jumped on me, playfully. His size made the visual of him jumping on me a little scary, but the kisses made it a lot better

No one is one dimensional

—————

Trans men face unique transphobia, if that bothers you, fuck off. If you want to demonize a trans man for shit they didn’t even do, for shit that other men have done, fuck off.

Judge people for who they are, not for who they might be, I don’t give a shit how scary a man looks, try and understand them regardless

I love dogs, and sometimes they’re scary, but that’s something I need to work through

I love men, and sometimes they’re scary, but that’s somthing I need to work through.

Run fast, bite hard, bark loud

Peace love and gratitude

-Zith Ipeth

[racketballz]

Hi I was curious on whether or not you think the rowdy ruff boys love each other?

I know you said it was a codependent relationship between them before. I also think about the way they interact in sbj. Then I thought about the way they interacted with one another in the multiverse game where it has the dialogue of them saying that they like having each other as brothers.

I can remember correctly in sbj more than human brick got upset with buttercup over a statement about butches condition in citiesvill. Sorry if I misspell that part. That got me thinking….Somewhere in his ego twisted heart his prideful heart and world hating heart….he has some form of love for his brothers. Kinda in a way like the girls do.

I know butch in some posts you have said does not care about himself cause that’s just how he is. I remember in sbj he is usually bricks….kinda right hand man in a way:…not sure what to exactly call it but if he listens to anyone ever it’s either brick or buttercup.

Or would you say it’s a relationship based off trauma and fear more and that there isn’t a lot of love if not any at all.

I’ve seen other instagram things where people have said brick would do anything for his brothers.

I find it cute and like to see some form of positive care in sbj more than human when brick shows concern in the brotherly way. Makes me almost forget about all his 🚩.

Also side not anytime you post about brick I get very interested and intrigued cause I’m so confused by him. Love to see he has to deal with the fact that just like humans he too feels embarrassed or feelings for blossom. Or has bad days. When his car got totaled I laughed cause he did deserve it.

So yea….that’s my Ted talk….

I like this question so I will answer it even tho I don’t have the time to like be long winded like I’d like to LMAO

but yes the boys love eachother

No they don’t know how to express themselves and don’t see an issue with it

Uhh yes butch is loyal to brick and buttercup he is in a tight spot RIP butch

yes they’re learning as they go it doesn’t help they also are attracted to the person they’re supposed to kill

I find they show their love in the ways they know eachother so well brick always knows where is brothers are butch talks about his brothers a lot when they’re not in the room same with boomer and boomer often will look to brick for guidance (butch too but I think he often will disobey him to get some rise out of him because he knows that about him as well)

Brick is confusing I think that’s the best part about him he’s built up thick skin but it’s not thick enough so everything hurts him poor guy

I also think the boys are inherently tragic characters when you think of them as anything other than killing machines because they’re bred from a place of hatred

I do not feel bad for them tho do not get it mixed up being angry unhinged and pathetic is hot

[pyro-tf2-but-trans]

using this as an excuse to talk about Pyro's silliness!!! (please note that I am not a licensed psychologist and any (polite) criticism towards my interpretation of the mental illnesses mentioned in this post is greatly appreciated to help me better characterize this fictional little guy :))

Pyro is a very troubled individual. I imagine they struggle with a few different mental illnesses, but their most prominent is PTSD. They struggle with focus and often struggle with sleeping and staying asleep. This comes from an event regarding their childhood, where they were trapped in a housefire and shouldn't have made it out. As a result, they actually hate the smell of smoke (hence the gas mask) and being in tight, small spaces. Flashbacks don't happen all that often, at the very least, considering how repressed the memory is.

I briefly touched on this, but I also think they struggle with facial dysmorphia, but more specifically body dysmorphic disorder, where they are hyperfocused on their appearance at all times. They HATE looking at themselves, and are VERYY uncomfortable with others looking at them as well. The burns affect a good portion of the right half of their body, and even after a whole bunch of grafting and surgery thanks to their family, the results are pretty noticeable. Hence the suit and avoidance of mirrors.

Another disability I think they have is bipolar disorder. This usually appears in the form of their hallucinations. I don't think they look EXACTLY like they do in the "Meet the Pyro" video, but I do think there are certain elements (the distinct lack of fire, the oversaturated colors, the music, etc) that do actually play out in their head while they're in a manic state. They're positive they're not hurting anyone, they're just playing! I think this also further adds to their struggle with sleeping because even when they're depressive, they're DEPRESSIVE. No one sees them for however long the episode is, maybe Engie can get them to poke their head out of their room when offering food, but oftentimes they're basically nonexistent.

And, of course, the tism, I think they're higher up on the spectrum. I imagine they stim a lot and struggle to interact with people. They struggle with instructions that aren't clear enough and recognize non-verbal communication, for example. I also think they like patterns and textures! They like running their fingers along different surfaces, their hands are the only parts of their body that are actually familiar to the team because their gloves are the only things that regularly come off. They also struggle with recognizing when they're in pain, though this might also just be because of nerve damage.

anyway love my little thing crushes them in my hand like a stress toy and gives them a reassuring smooch on the forehead

[lifenconcepts]

I’m so happy you share my joy in this!! You and I are not so different, but I conclude after all - we all share little bits of one another within us. And maybe not the same pains or pasts, but at times the same joys and moments. You too are someone i find fascinating! I’m sure that you have alot to speak of too, and little reminder - these little mystical writings have only become possible because I’ve gained a true habit (through passion) of writing daily about anything. Not bound by time or topic or moment or place. But just to write about whatever comes to mind. Always hated diaries, but have now written out 11 notebooks irl and COUNTLESS notebooks through digital notes.. I often just begin to write with ZERO prior thought (no internal monologue either! I like to point that out..) and then once everything is on paper I get to know what it is that truly goes on in there. (Even this large block of text is only possible through about.. Hm. Let’s estimate.. 20 or so conversations at MINIMUM I held with either myself or someone close and simply repeated a few times until they cemented. After all, all ‘facts’ are just patterns of belief that time has proven to be accurate. That’s why we don’t like to change our ideals even when people explain things aren’t exactly like that, but after a peaceful debate, come to some new conclusion.. hey! Had this exact point reoccur about 6 times in the last year alone! Wonderful..)

please DO write whatever you have the spark! Tend to it until you kindle a flame, and may the way it dances and flickers tell you the story of the wood it devours and the way it warms up the air. Everything is connected, you worded it nicely, and it is true that simple existence bounds us all to the now in whatever shape and form it takes on! From a wounded bird to the looming trees, the parasite within its rotting gut or the heat of the sun that warms up its corpse.. it all is beautiful, in its own grotesque way, and to be able to accept that as the magic it is allows you to also see the value of each part of the ecosystem and the cycle it upholds..

We’re living, and that’s utterly beautiful. And in whichever form it comes to you - know that it is a valid way to see the beauty which surrounds us. Well, as long as you DO love life, then your ideals can stay as is. But know you must always change, you can’t stay stagnant especially not when you know there’s something wrong in the way you’re acting or thinking or feeling. Do things until they feel right, even if you don’t yet know why. May movies, songs, stories, art, writing, people, sights, and thoughts all bring you a step closer into figuring out the secrets of the universe and all its pleasures it upholds.. ofcourse, I may have run around with a lighter to your souls - but it has begun to spark the flame within some that may make them strive to bettering themselves, and in finding whatever calling you feel passionate towards, you’ll find fulfilment within plainly existing. It is sad ofcourse many still remain unaware and refuse to move from self-destructive thoughts, while the path to discovery is so open, but I guess not all shall be changed by me and that is fine. I wasn’t placed here to help others, but rather guide. I’m actively helping myself so I can indirectly help and assist others by sharing the knowledge I’ve gathered. If I was preoccupied with running around and saving every dying bug then I’d long have killed myself from having little time for my actual joys and self. Sometimes, it’s neccesary to be selfish, sometimes, neccesary to be selfless.. but the magic of these sorts of notes and advice is that there never is one solution to all and obviously each individual situation/experience/person/creature/soul needs their own unique perspective, and so even though you can’t predict every little thing, to have basics vague thoughts that can apply to many a thing.. it helps gather things into one spot and go from there somewhere coherent and clear. it’s funny though how I don’t know many basic things, like why do we seek out comfort, or why after all this knowledge we still fall prey to addiction, but I got many theories as to why.. and it reminds me a little of Sherlock Holmes.. who can differentiate dozens of different tobacco ash and dirt but doesn’t know shit about the solar system. The fact isn’t that he’s stupid or anything but just more well accquainted in the very specific skills and knowledge he needs for his specific job, his passion and calling, and that excess stuff DOES indeed clutter up the brain. Ofcourse though, we’re not immune to the internet yet, so yeah I can sadly explain to you what a skibidi toilet is (fucking sickens me), but at the very same time explain why the distant stars have more in common with a fleeting memory of a family friend in a party you were sleepy through as a child than the odd name and concept of a god. After all, there ain’t a big man upstairs, you just gave him that form to present as because it feels somewhat right and nice. But in reality. WOW there’s so much true beauty around!!!!!

we’re connected everywhere. From the man who wanders aimlessly to the young girl running home, to the parrot which flies across a forest to the eagle bound by a tether, from a chained dog whining and thrashing to a whale so large and powerful yet still completely concealed by glass,, the stars and the water, the grass and the earth. The soil and their inhabitants and so the ones who live deep below the sea. So many parallels and similarities, beauty in between the lines. Can you see? Be glad you can see.. because it always was here and always will be there!!!

Thanks for letting me ramble !! I truly thrive in writing, it makes me feel alive. I actually feel good for once and not like curling up and bashing my head against a wall for a bit. This makes me feel good :))

OH AND I MUST ADD! There’s no one answer to anything, always different for all, and there always exist exemptions!! Having said that, try not to force anything even if it seems nice and good.. don’t want you stressing over existence if it’s not in your specific brain layout ya know? But after all, DO challenge your brain! Yeah yeah, contradictions.. did you not read my status below my name? CONTRADICTION IS DIVINITY!! The world is cruel and kind! We are destroyers and creators! Pain is pleasant, and pleasure can be painful! Death is often merciful, and mercy is often life-crushing. Rebirth will go on, but reincarnation or simply ending by the root can also exist for some. There is peace here and there, and just as a pigeon nests against anti-bird spikes.. we will find a way.

afternoon tea

….i need to just schedule these in advance…

Uh, how are y’all?

free spot for question (ramble about whatever/nf)

no pressure taglist: @neowanderseternally @numisanubis @berrybird054 @saireye @lifenconcepts

(Again, if u wish to be added or removed dm me and explicitly say so and I’ll respect your wish)

[fallloverfic]

I love singNsong again reminding people in Side Story that Dokja wanted other people to read TWSA (he wrote reviews and comments! It was his first wish), and he only stopped bothering because people harassed him for it. He didn't gate-keep the story. When he's avoiding talking to Sangah about it at the beginning of ORV, it's because he knows what happens when he tells people about the story, not because he's gate-keeping it from her. He notes he's not proud of his hobby (likely because he's been bullied all through his life, including for reading the thing he loves): he finds it embarrassing to talk about, and better respects her studying Spanish in her free time (learning another language is a generally accepted thing in society). He assumes she won't care or will look at him funny (or worse) for when she learns about the novel he's into.

Basically anyone writing "let's gatekeep ORV" posts because of the anime announcement or because they dislike the manhwa or some other weirdness, y'all are the villains in the scenario.

The literal climax of the story is about sharing ORV with as many people as possible. What story were y'all reading?

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

i hate doing laundry ough it's The Worst

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

[weaselishmcdiesel]

.

[stardust-moth]

looking at some takes on characters or relationships or scenes in which things happen between them and just thinking,

How in the hell are people interpreting it this way??? But then i step back and realize that the story or character in question is fundamentally and extraordinarily different from the average person's life experience and I go,

ah,

you guys just... don't have a deep enough understanding of trauma responses...

[gothsuguru]

getting an iced pumpkin chai in the morning and then my personal goal is to spend the whole day writing and i hope i can come back to this post tomorrow and rb w how much progress i’ve made!!!

[nostalgia-tblr]

i am reading a book and i am not 100% sure but i think alison weir has misinterpreted what a 'precontract' is?

[blackrosecapri]

Nicholas The Punisher.

associated so closely with the weapon he uses that him and its names are practically the same. given to him by a false god and a shitty doctor when he didnt fucking want it. youd think he wouldnt keep it around. youd think the second he gets hed trash it and start again, i mean, he knows how to use other guns, so why keep it around?

you Have to assume its bc he humanized it, to some extent. he didn't have any humanity. at least that's what hes told, what he believes, and he wasnt allowed a sense of identity outside of it. outside of or away from "the punisher," so he Had to make it what made him a person. he HAD to embody it, he wasnt given any choice, really. he only chose to embrace it.

he hated everything else around him. of Fucking course he did, but he couldn't afford to hate the punisher. that's All He Was. if he hated the punisher, he hated himself, and he'd Never get out. never fully. so the punisher had to become something he enjoyed, and looked forward to, and valued. that's why i think he keeps it. he had to learn to love it so any semblance of identity or joy.

in order to make it through the eom he Had to learn to love it, even if he didn't want it, it was him now. weather he liked it or not, hed never escape it. but now? now he Genuinely dose. he doesn't like how it's from the eom, he doesnt like how it was forced upon him, But. he does like it. hes bonded with it, basically. if he can vaule his weapon then he can vaule himself. if he takes care of the punisher, to Love the punisher, it's catharsis. because That is Him.

and now he goes everywhere with it. is he still Nicholas The Punisher? maybe. ans maybe he hates that. but at least he can love the punisher itself. who that is isnt clear to him, not anymore, but it got him here. it got him out. it let him be happy. if he cant pity, or love, or process it all himself, he Can pity, ans love, and empathize with the punisher. whether he knows it or not, thats him.

and he can love at least that. even if he plays it off as a bit

(yes he calls it his baby girl, its funny, alright?)