#Because our ADHD wasn't a disorder

[chronicangel]

I mean, obviously yes, people with ADHD are just kind of abandoned by the system completely, but I feel like this post is somewhat obviously about the way that "smart" kids with ADHD and high-achieving kids with ADHD are not only neglected by the system but exploited by it.

I was a good student in all the traditional senses. I got good grades, I loved school, I did not have any significant behavioral issues. All of this was directly because of the fact that I had ADHD, which went undiagnosed until I was 20. I got good grades and loved school and was well-behaved because I found learning stimulating, and I needed mental stimulation so I didn't explode.

I was actually just going down an hour-long spiral yesterday about how if anyone had ever just told me that hyperactivity could be mental I would have realized that I had ADHD before I was 20 entire years old. Nobody ever bothered to tell me that it wasn't normal to frame every moment of your life around the need for intellectual stimulation so your thoughts didn't start racing and spiraling out of control. No one ever told me that experiencing writing as a form of meditation because it's one of the few times you're allowed to just sit in your whirlwind of thoughts for a few hours and pick out the good parts without trying to force yourself to Pay Attention to the Right Things was not, in fact, how everybody else was experiencing it. No one ever told me that plotting 10 scenes ahead in your pretend play (or, as I got older, roleplay) and then getting excited when the other person didn't follow your plotline because it meant you got to plot 10 more scenes ahead with new ideas was not why everybody else was doing that.

Every moment of my life I have had a constant, uncontrollable internal monologue, and it never stops, and it never shuts off, and it just goes and goes and goes. And the only thing I can do to make it bearable is find the things that are intellectually interesting, so my thoughts can all get channeled into One Thing, and they aren't bouncing all over the place and completely overwhelming me until I can't function at all anymore.

And no one ever told me, or asked me, or said or did anything. Because I got good grades.

[swanimagines]

LOST DREAMS | MORPHEUS

Summary: Your ancestor was cursed by Morpheus long ago so the women in your family would be plagued with eternal wakefulness, but you don't believe in the curse or that some ancient Greek god was the cause of it, like your grandmother always told you about. Doctors have told you that the only reason they can think of is most likely a severe case of ADHD in the family and that's why you never feel sleepy. But then you get a job at a Burgess mansion and find something in the basement that makes your grandmother's stories sounding not so crazy after all...

Even on her deathbed, your grandma had talked about the "curse" she claimed the whole family suffered from. You could see how it can be seen as a curse, never feeling sleepy and how you always had energy for everything - because of that, you had had plenty of boring moments every day and it did suck. Not to mention, your friends talking about how funny and good dreams they have had always sparked jealousy within you. It was something you had never experienced.

Doctors had researched you since you were a baby, but they couldn't pinpoint a reason for being unable to fall asleep either. They had you running from test to test, even sent you to another country for more tests with a world top sleep disorder clinic, but nothing worked. Some doctors were afraid that your condition is a type of fatal insomnia, and that you were slowly dying. But those were knocked down too with brain scans, and after your grandma and mother could testify that they had been exactly the same since birth, doctors were facing yet another puzzle. The condition was absolutely unheard of. You heard stories that someone in your family had been burned as a witch for not sleeping, which ultimately made you believe it's something running in the family.

And after some debating between doctors, they too decided that it's an extremely rare type of ADHD, the most severe there is, and your family are the first ones it's been detected to have. They also believed that something in your brains had aligned so perfectly that you not sleeping doesn't affect the brains negatively and expressed their will to be able to take your brains for medical research.

Your grandmother, however, wasn't keen on that thought. She had made up her mind that it's the ancient Greek god Morpheus who had cursed you with it, and nothing would be found from her brains.

"Mother, Morpheus is an ancient Greek god. He's not real," you remember your mother saying as you were visiting your grandma in the hospital. "There's also no thing as curses or magic."

Your grandma had pursed her lips and shook her head. "Oh my dear foolish girl, you just don't understand it. Our ancestor, many centuries ago, was Morpheus' lover, and-"

"She rejected him, we all remember," you interrupted. "He cursed her and everyone in her family to never feel tired."

Your grandma had let out a long breath through her nose. "No, he cursed the women with it. Not men. It is said that he became enraged when his lover refused his kingdom, and when she passed away, he took revenge by striking down all of us with this curse, preventing us from getting proper rest. And now, you're the newest one of our family to carrying the curse. Your future daughters will carry it too, and it will be passed on to their daughters in turn."

You had sighed in chorus with your mother, your grandma had always been clearly delusional about it. Likely brainwashed by her own mother, who had been brainwashed by her mother and so on. But you and your mother were new generation, who didn't believe in such absurd stories and had reliable medical research under your fingertips but unfortunately, you had had to listen your grandma talking about it all your childhood.

When your grandma had passed away, you moved out from your hometown and settling to a nice little town in southern England. You got a job as a cleaner-occasional cook-extra pay caretaker in a fancy mansion owned by an elderly couple, and life was good.

But every mansion has its mysteries, and this mansion had one too. A secret door with a hidden passcode tablet, and only some could go in. No one, besides the guards or Alex and Paul, really knew what was behind it, and no one dared to find it out for themselves. After all, everyone knew that if Alex found out that his servant was going into the room, he would likely fire them, so no one dared to try their luck.

No one, except you. You knew how to get in, and even though you never tried before, you had the feeling that it would work. So you had gone in secretly in the middle of the night, your "curse" as your little helper. You had succeeded in distracting the guards and crept your way down the stairs.

You came to a large, dark hall and you swallowed as you switched the light on. The lights blinded you for a moment, and you raised your arm in front of your eyes, before slowly peeking through and your heart jumped a little upon seeing a figure sitting there. It was a man, who was inside a large glass sphere, not even looking at you gawking at him. Then you realised that he was naked, and quickly turned your head away from his lower regions.

"I'm sorry, I...I..." You stuttered, your voice croaking. "I didn't think there's someone here. Everyone is so mysterious and I wanted to see what is it that is kept here. Wait, you... you aren't kept here as a prisoner, are you?"

The man didn't reply, but his eyes shifted at you, and you felt like a mouse caught in the stare of an owl. His gaze was intense, and a shiver ran down your spine.

You took it as a yes. "Can I help you? Can I do anything?" you continued nervously.

The man kept quiet, but you caught something in his eyes, something which looked like disbelief. You opened your mouth to speak again, but then closed it. You glanced over your shoulder before taking a step towards the sphere, and noticed strange vigils in a circle on the ground.

"What's this?" you asked, still somehow wishing the man would say something. Even when you knew he wouldn't. But his gaze was on the circle now too and he cocked his head slightly at it.

"This sounds stupid, but it looks like a summoning circle. I've probably watched supernatural movies a little too much," you chuckled. The man slowly raised his eyes on you again, and then back down again. You frowned. "Do you... want me to break it?" you asked hesitantly.

The man's piercing blue eyes once again met yours. Then he, very slowly, nodded.

You swallowed hard and stepped forward, fingers trembling as you touched the circle with your foot. It immediately felt like some unknown force was pulling at you, like you were being pulled towards it and you made a stroke, erasing a small segment of the circle.

You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding, and heard noise from the stairway and immediately panicked, looking at the man and then sprinting towards the light. You turned it off and made your way to the farthest corner of the basement, hoping no one would notice you once lights were on.

After a few moments, you heard a chair scrape the stone floor and carefully peered towards the doorway. The other guard had come back and was reading a newspaper. You watched as the man in the glass sphere slowly stood up, pressing his hands on the glass and suddenly, all hell was loose.

A wind surged through the room, knocking the doors open and making a terrible sound. You covered your ears, before realising it wasn't just the wind. There was a bright light, you saw the figure of that man climbing out of the sphere and you screamed, not knowing what was happening.

Suddenly, the guard was on the ground and another bright light appeared. Then the man in the glass sphere was gone, just like that. The light, the wind and the noise had all stopped the moment that man had gone and you slowly got up. Your knees buckled but you forced yourself to go upstairs, to pretend you were never there. You were shaken. What had happened?

---

Some time after that, you were preparing yourself for another book marathon. You didn't feel like watching Netflix right now, so books it was. But then something happened, something that had never happened before.

You fell asleep. You put your head on the pillow and began reading when you were taken over this strange feeling of wanting to close your eyes, so you did. And sleep came. Suddenly, you were transferred in front of a huge castle, dragons and fairies flying over you and a sweet smell that tickled your nose. And you were sure you had lost your mind.

"Hello," a deep voice said from beside you and you twirled around to see the man from the sphere in front of you. Now, fortunately, fully dressed. He smiled and you stared at him, confused.

"How- How are you here?" You asked, frowning. This was absurd, almost like a... dream?

"You're dreaming," the man confirmed your suspicion. Your eyes widened.

"What? H-how?"

"I lifted the curse. So you could meet me."

You blinked. "C-curse?"

"Yes. A long time ago, I cursed a woman who didn't accept my proposal, when I asked her to be my queen when she died. So I told her that every woman who is born in her family, will be cursed by eternal wakefulness." He narrowed his eyes slightly. "I was bitter and inconsiderate when I did that, taken by my feelings and sadness."

"Wait, so... my grandmother was right? You... you are..."

"Morpheus, the King of Dreams." He smirked. "Your kind thinks I'm just a story, but I exist, in fact. The whole dream realm exists, and we can't tell stories without dreams."

You still stood there, dumfounded. "You lifted the curse so I'm... I'm able to sleep and dream now?"

Morpheus smiled slightly. "Yes. As a thank you for releasing me."

You blinked again, and then took in your surroundings. A dragon sat next to you, its wings spread wide and a fairy sitting on top of it, playing with some sort of crystal ball.

"If I may, I can show you around the realm?" Morpheus offered and you gave him a nod. "Very well. Follow me."

You started walking with him, and in a few minutes, you arrived at a forest. The trees were tall and wide, with red flowers blooming everywhere. On your left, you could hear the sound of water flowing and on your right, a waterfall. A beautiful place, one that you wanted to stay in forever.

"There is a lake not far from here, where the fairies usually gather. It is very beautiful, would you like to see it?" Morpheus suggested and you nodded. "Follow me."

He walked into the woods, and shortly after that, you reached the lake. The water sparkled in the sunlight, and the land surrounding it was green. Many little houses were built around the edges, and you couldn't help but stare at them. They reminded you of dollhouses, and you quickly realised that they were where fairies lived.

"This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen," you murmured.

"It is." Morpheus agreed. "Would you like to see my palace?"

You looked at him questioningly and he smiled.

"The house of the king of dreams is located in the heart of the realm. You need my permission to enter it, and only a few may. But you have earned my trust."

You nodded. "Thank you."

He smiled again. "Then follow me."

You walked out of the forest, and suddenly were met with the palace once again. It was bigger than you expected, even though you had been expecting it to be big. The garden was large and full of flowers, while the inside was decorated in a warm golden colour, with paintings hanging from the walls. He led you to the library, and you looked around at the bookshelves and the many old manuscripts.

"I heard you like books, so I thought you would like this," Morpheus said, smiling. "You can read whatever you want."

"Really?" You gasped, and his smile grew slightly. "Thank you!"

You went through the endless shelves, looking at all the books you could see. Some you recognised, others you hadn't seen before. Morpheus stood there for a moment, before exiting the room.

Dreams were even more magical than anyone had ever told you, and you couldn't wait to see a whole new world of them.

---

Requests are always open! FANDOM LIST | PROMPT LIST(S) | RULES (READ!!!)

[she-is-ovarit]

Please hear me.

Being tired isn't normal. It doesn't matter that you're aging. Being fatigued is a serious sign.

It might be difficult to judge "normal tired" from "bad tired". Rule of thumb is that if you notice that other people seem to be on another plane of existence with alertness, you're not "normal tired".

I slept for 10-12 hours a day at least and still was tired for most of the day but "functioned" (went to work).

It turns out it wasn't just one thing. It was a lot of things. I went on liquid vitamins first because that's all I had energy for—to throw money at something that can be delivered to me. And it was crucial. I went off my heart medication after my doctor let me know my active heart rate was way too low (prior to the vitamins). I felt super improved and this went from feeling super improved to extremely improved after I began to eat more healthy fats (avocados, eggs, nuts, vegetarian-friendly animal products). I cannot emohasize the eating more fats thing enough. Did you know that due to our biology women are supposed to have way more healthy fats than what we're typically told?

I had struggled with other symptoms I brushed off as normal too. My hands and feet being cold all the time. Turns out this wasn't normal. How many women and girls have cold hands and feet constantly? I was "adoringly clumsy". Balance issues from vitamin B12 deficiency. Foot cramps. Magnesium deficiency. Generalized anxiety disorder. Still have it, but significantly improved because my body isn't fighting for it's life. Lack of focus/concentration issues to the point where I worried I had ADHD or something since that's all I know about that mental health condition.

Constant cravings I blamed on emotional eating. Increasing my healthy fat intake all about cured this—helped more than protein. I began to lose weight when I increased my healthy fats because I was no longer seeking out sugar or bad fats. Iron deficiency and vitamin D3 deficiencies were also confirmed on blood tests before I started liquid vitamins.

When I went off my heart med and bought those dumb electrolyte packets for my water, my arrhythmia is now hardly noticeable physically.

And to circle back—I am awake. And I sometimes break down and cry because I can't believe how I was functioning now that I understand what having energy feels like. I didn't know. I didn't know there was even anything wrong with me. I thought I was just a tired person. That being tired was normal to being female and aging.

Chronic fatigue is extremely serious. It's not normal. You're not just a tired person.

[tiramisuwithmascarpone]

Hello! I'm a 15-year-old devotee of both Lord Hermes and Lady Aphrodite who is raised in an extremely Orthodox Christian household, and I would like to share my story with you ⋆˚ʚɞ

Hi! for safety reasons I will not use the name I usually use online for this account, but you can call me Jellyfish. I live in Eastern Europe, more exactly Romania, a country whose population is 98% devoted to Christianity at the time of speaking. My mother is a perfect example. She wholeheartedly believes in God, I grew up with pictures of him and the Holy Mary all over the walls, which I wouldn't escape even at my grandparent's houses. My house always smelled of myrrh, I would carry a picture of God everywhere I went, I would pray to him before bed, go to church on every holiday, but I never felt fulfilled or connected to him in any way. I didn't truly know what I believed in. My mother was telling me all about how should I praise God, but I don't think I ever did it because I wanted to or felt connected to what she was telling me or felt like it was the life I wanted to live. When she would fight with my father, even now, she would threaten that she would run away to a monastery and become a nun. She thinks you cannot change your religion and you can not be Christian if you were born with Christian parents and raised in that environment. I did not have faith in God because I wanted to and felt connected to his message and wanted to worship his divine being, I did it because my mother felt that way. And that destroyed me.

As I grew older, I started believing less and less in God. I was struggling with going through teenagehood, fighting my own inner battles, and dealing with friendship that slowly felt like they were taking away my lifespan, and it wasn't just that I didn't have faith in a divine being (which is completely alright. Please do not believe this monologue is Anti-Christian, I believe everyone is allowed to believe and worship the one who they feel most connected and inclined towards.) I didn't have faith in anything anymore. When my brother reached 15, he hated my parents for their beliefs. I will not get much I detail since his story is not mine to tell, but he had battled with alcohol and substance abuse. And I was his only shoulder for him and my parents to lean and cry on. My mother told me to pray for our family, she would pray to god every day, light up myrrh, take me to churches, and I would feel miserable. I felt like an imposter in that church. I truly wanted to have faith in a god, anyone, but I felt like my only choice was God since that's what my mother taught me. Both my parents trust God so I cannot be different, can I?

How foolish I was. I can only look back to my past self and wish to embrace and hold her till she cries all her sorrow out. She was so confused.

Back in 2022, I had first heard of Aphrodite. My brother was sent to a mental hospital for his substance abuse when they caught him on the verge of overdosing. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder after a suicide attempt, autism and ADHD, but my father (who already couldn't accept the fact that my brother has ADHD) fought with them saying they ,,don't know me well enough" and,,there's nothing wrong with me". And he's right, there's nothing wrong with me. Not even If I am neurodivergent. I was at my lowest, I felt disgusting, I fought with my parents and was their therapist every single day, I stopped going to school, I was a mess. But, I was heavily active on social media because I had tons of online friends. While scrolling on tiktok, I found a video of an Aphrodite devotee. My interest was piqued. I heard about Greek Mythology before but never actually researched it. I liked the video and commented, talking about how gorgeous their faith sounds, and that's when it all started. I started getting more info about Aphrodite, the swans swum by me every time I would go to the lake with my family so we could ,,get some fresh air". I started getting lots of pins on Pinterest with her. I always had a desire for water and the beach was my safe place, where I felt fulfilled and free from all I'm feeling. I had a Dove make itself a nest on a tree next to the window of my classroom which I would always sit by while having lunch (on the rare occasions I would drop by to school). I started researching more about Lady Aphrodite, loving her story, beliefs, ways of worshipping, how it felt like silence was washing over me when I would make a non-physical offering to her. Her tales. The way it felt like she was always there to give me a warm hug and squeeze me while I was crying. I also felt a boost in my confidence! I started loving my features, taking care of myself again, etc. It wasn't always just sun and rainbows, I would still have breakdowns and wish it would all just end and all that, but it was more bearable with her. She made my life more bearable. I love, worship, and adore Lady Aphrodite for that. I worshipped her till this year when I officially felt strong enough to devote myself to her.

This year, actually, I started noticing my strong connection to Hermes. I was always attracted to the kind-hearted, mischievous, kind-hearted, highly intelligent and funny thieves. I always idolized them and wished to be like them. That's how I feel about Lord Hermes. I feel like he was reaching out to me all my life. Everything he is associated with I had an inexplicable obsession with for pretty much all my life. Turtles, golden or silver, travel, learning new languages, astronomy, astrology, everything you could think of. I have been devoted to him since last month, that's when I officially started labeling myself as a Hellenic Pagan, but I am still a beginner, and I need to hide all of this from my mother since I am afraid of what she would do if she were to find out I have another belief since she reacted super badly back when I was an atheist :( I set up the first altar for Lady Aphrodite, and the second one for Lord Hermes. I always had been an artistic soul and loved making my room all pretty randomly so I told my mother this is one of those cases and she believed it. She does not know english and is not at all cultured about any beliefs besides Christians, Muslims, and Jews. They are both hidden in my closet. I feel very bad for not being able to make them a bigger and more obvious altar, I hope I'll have that chance when I move out from my parent's house..

I wanted to ask if Lord Hermes would be mad if my mom kept setting random things on his altar? she even put a picture of the Holy Mary. I moved it to the other side of the closet and made a DIY necklace for him out of orange garnet or beads to apologize to him, and he didn't seem mad, but I'm not sure...I sketched drawings of both of them and rested them on their altars. Everything you see are either offerings I heard they may like or things that reminded me of them! the little notebook on Hermes's altar is specifically made for learning new languages and thought he would enjoy it. Do you guys think any of my offerings are disrespectful? or should be removed? I'm open to any advice! Thank you for listening to my story <3

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

Dear sacrifice,

I've also gotten "more narcissistic" as time goes on and I think it's actually (in my case anyway) evidence of healing. Back when my NPD was at its worst, I never saw anything as I did as narcissistic. I'm sure part of it is that denial, and another big part is that NPD comes with ups and downs.

My few highs were accompanied by so many disastrous lows, I wasn't seen as arrogant or self centered by myself or anyone else that I know of. That would be ridiculous, I obviously hated myself!

And in reality, NPD in its worst form is more self hatred than confidence or self love. That's the form of narcissism that hurts narcissists, and the form that makes it an actual disorder. If someone just thinks they're pretty great and doesn't really care how they seem to others, that's not NPD, but it's seen as narcissistic. If someone is a huge people pleaser and doesn't know how to be themself because they try so hard to be whatever will bring them the most praise, they very well might have NPD but no one's gonna accuse them of being a narcissist...

Because much like neurotypicals with ADHD, egotypicals only give a shit about how our narcissism affects THEM. So a healthier ego after years of recovery may be seen as more narcissistic as someone who crashes daily

-😽

^

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for being upset that my boyfriend of 3 years doesn't remember our anniversary even though i know he has adhd? ☕️☕️

I (26 W) have been dating my partner (32 M) for over 3 years now. He is officially diagnosed with ADHD and I am currently waiting for my own diagnosis for ADHD. He got diagnosed shortly before we got together and he has opened to me about how insecure he is over his disabilities causing a rift between us since all his previous relationships end with his partners leaving after they "get tired of dealing with his issues" because he also has autism and has been rude before in regards to my weight despite knowing that i am recovered from an eating disorder and this is the context in which his insecurities were disclosed to me. I also don't mean rude like accidentally, he literally put his hands on my stomach and said "what is this" after we had already had several Big Fights in regards to his previously rude behavior. For further context, I told him on our second date that I have a strict boundary around food and my weight and would appreciate it if he kept comments about my body weight or how much i eat to himself because it's triggering for me.

I try to be mindful of his limitations but recently, he asked me if he had forgotten our anniversary. This wouldn't bother me as much if it wasn't our third anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks and if I hadn't repeatedly told me over our time together the exact date of our anniversary. Now, I don't expect him to remember dates off the top of his head. I struggle with that information myself but what I DO hold against him is the fact that he KNOWS he forgets things and doesnt make ANY effort to have a failsafe against that. I put everything in my phone and he WORKS in tech so he knows how easy it is to set a repeat event with reminders nowadays so I don't understand why he can't just fucking figure out how to remember our anniversary without constantly making me be the one to remind him. I have told him exactly this and asked him why he didn't write it down over the last 3 years if he knows he's bad with dates. he said "that's a good point" and that was that. Now, he keeps trying to manipulate the information out of me by asking me when I'm like half asleep because he "thought i might slip up and just tell him."

Am I in the wrong for being mad over this? it feels like he doesn't care enough to do the bare minimum of being in a relationship with another person. I've dated others before with ADHD and it's never been a fucking issue before for them to remember our anniversary. I myself put in the effort when I care about someone to do the bare minimum and write down information I want to remember about someone. I just don't understand why I feel so guilty over getting mad about this when I feel like I have every right to be upset because it's not like I haven't been forthcoming before, it's not like i haven't repeatedly told him over the years and he puts in birthdays to his calendar so like why doesn't he care enough to put our anniversary into it? He wants to marry me but I dont want to spend the rest of my life reminding him to care enough about me to remember things like my birthday, our anniversary or my eating disorder.

But I also know that expecting people with ADHD to remember things is kind of an ableist move and I don't want to start an argument where I'm being a dick to his disabilities. So WIBTA if I decided to make this into a big deal because it is for me knowing my partner has ADHD and cannot help being so forgetful all the time?

What are these acronyms?

[antimisinfo]

Not realy misinfo but something we could really use some clarification on if y'all can help:

what even actually constitutes amnesia in a disassociative context. 'Cause like weve figured out we have some big holes in our memory as well as that thing where we find ourselves forgetting little things like what we were doing or where we put stuff (even if we just put it down in some cases). But like is that amnesia or is that just adhd forgetfulness; or like where even is the line between the two

i'm assuming you mean dissociative amnesia so i'm just going to explain what that is / what counts as dissociative amnesia !! ^^ ((feel free to clarify otherwise))

" Dissociative amnesia is when you can’t remember important information about yourself. These memories are often distressing or upsetting events. It’s most likely to happen with severe or long-term trauma, especially experiencing abuse, neglect or violence of any kind. This condition is treatable, and most people can regain their memories. "

there are two types of dissociative amnesia, Retrograde and Anterograde.

" Retrograde: This is when dissociative amnesia affects finding old memories. It’s like a glitch or error that keeps you from accessing or checking out a specific memory.

Anterograde: This is when dissociative amnesia blocks the formation or storage of new memories. It’s like a gap in the recording or your brain misplacing the book after creating it. This form is less common than retrograde dissociative amnesia. "

the different types of memory loss plausible with dissociative amnesia:

" Localized: Memory loss affects everything within a short, specific time period in your life.

Selective: Memory loss affects one event or all events of a certain type within a specific time period in your life. Experts sometimes call this “patchy” amnesia because it affects certain memories but not others.

Generalized: Memory loss affects everything within a longer period (months or years).

Continuous: This is the anterograde form of dissociative amnesia. “Anterograde” means it affects your ability to form new memories, so this is memory loss that happens as events occur.

Systematized: Memory loss that affects everything under a particular topic or category. It can also apply to a specific person or multiple people (like your family). "

other traits related to dissociative amnesia are:

" Lack of awareness. People with dissociative amnesia may not realize they have gaps in their memory. This can last until memory loss affects part of their sense of identity or if someone brings up or asks something a person knows they should remember but can’t.

Flashbacks. People with dissociative amnesia may develop flashbacks as they regain their memories. A flashback is more than just remembering something unpleasant. People who have them describe them as reliving a traumatic event or experience to the point where they can’t tell it apart from reality.

Confusion or disorientation. People with dissociative amnesia (especially the generalized form) may seem unaware, or like they’re having trouble understanding what’s going on around them. In very severe cases, people may not seem or be aware of their own identity.

Relationship and trust issues. People with dissociative amnesia often have trouble forming friendships or romantic attachments.

Travel or wandering (dissociative fugue). When someone wanders or travels during a period they can’t remember, it’s known as dissociative fugue. This is rare, and the memory loss usually only affects brief periods. "

also heres a few other sources on dissociative amnesia that could help a little:

MSD manuals - dissociative amnesia

NIH - national library of medicine - dissociative amnesia

mayoclinic - dissociative disorders

apologies if this wasn't very helpful, i'm not 100% sure i understood the question but i hope this helps at least a little bit! i believe your issues may count, but since i'm not a professional and i don't know you well i can't really tell you if it is or isn't dissociative amnesia

also for the differences between amnesia and general forgetfulness:

"Amnesia is when a person can no longer recall information stored in their memory. There are many types of amnesia. Their symptoms can overlap, and a person can have multiple types.

A person who is a little forgetful in their day-to-day life does not have amnesia. Amnesia refers to a large-scale loss of long-term memory due to illness, brain injury, or psychological trauma."

also i'm pretty sure general forgetfulness does not apply to trauma or personal information, so theres another big difference

[erinelliotc]

What do you like about Eddy? Do you really think him and Double D will work out?

I think Eddy is the most interesting, deep, complex and well-written character on the show. It seems contradictory to say this, but even though Double D is my favorite character, I think Eddy is the best character. He's full of content for psychological analyses, something I'm passionate about doing because I love psychology and writing, I love analyzing human behavior, so complicated characters like Eddy are perfect to me in that sense (just as I am fascinated by Jinx from Arcane). I have so much to say about Eddy, I feel like every day I think of something new about his character, and I find this so exciting!

My analyses of each Ed will only be done in the future after I rewatch the show another two or three times, so I won't write here everything I have to say about Eddy. But you can find some of my EEnE analyses by scrolling through the posts in this tag. I talk about him in some of them.

But about Eddy and Double D... EddEddy is my OTP, you know? I've already talked a lot about them, and of course I'm going to talk much more in the future too. You can read a little about what I think of their relationship here.

In "short":

Eddy's backstory and his character development fascinate me. Characters who are emotionally broken to the point of developing a problematic personality fascinate me. Characters with mental disorders or traits of mental disorders fascinate me (I personally see him as ADHD with borderline and narcissistic traits, and perhaps a bit of histrionic traits too). I love analyzing and understanding what led them to that point, what made them so difficult to deal with, what hurt them so much that they developed an emotional armor and/or that makes them act like selfish jerks. The way Eddy's brain works fascinates me, his behavior, his defense mechanisms, everything. And to me the best part is seeing the little moments where the show shows us how he actually has a terrible self-image deep down and is not as confident and secure as he tries to show himself to be. I love seeing a character who isn't just a jerk, but someone who acts like a jerk because of things that happened that he tries to hide or that he doesn't even understand or realize happened (Eddy's reality denial defense mechanism is very strong, so I think a lot of the things related to his brother he genuinely didn't realize were problematic and had hurt him because his brain denied them to protect him. And it's common for our brain to block memories as a way of protecting us from the truth because it thinks we'll not have the emotional structure to deal with it, and I believe it may have happened to him), someone who is deeply hurt and does everything he can to hide it, someone who doesn't want to be emotionally vulnerable and tries to act like the most confident person in the world... Characters like this are the most interesting to me. And besides, I find Eddy extremely funny and annoying in an adorable way. I love his chaotic behavior, his voice and the way he talks (God bless Tony Sampson)

He and Edd were made for each other. Would they kill each other if Ed wasn't around? Absolutely. But their relationship is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and the combination of their personalities is what makes them grow and have their character development. They mature and improve because of the influence they have on each other. Their personalities complement each other perfectly because one is good where the other has to improve. And the love and affection they have for each other is visible and makes me emotional

[anexperimentallife]

Help a disabled, neurodivergent, interracial family get back to the US for medical treatment

After three bouts of COVID and other medical issues over the past six years here in the Philippines, my health has deteriorated to the point at which I'm worried I won't get to watch my little girl grow up unless I can get back to where I can use my Medicare and VA benefits for various surgeries and treatments.

Unfortunately, even with all y'all's help, @thesurestthing and I are still in debt from the two-year ordeal of fixing our daughter's stateless status, so we can't do this on our own. My little sister started a fundraiser for us, and there are a couple of other ways to help, as well. If you can't help, please reblog. Thank you! (The PayPal link takes the lowest fees, but whatever works for you is best!)

If you want more details, they're under the cut:

Six years ago, while still grieving the deaths of my adult sons and a painful breakup, I moved from the US to the Philippines with just what I could carry, in large part because it's actually possible to survive here on the pittance US disability pays. I had kind of given up on life and figured I would sort of drift off eventually. I wasn't going to kick my own bucket, mind you; I just wasn't going to try very hard to keep living. And I figured I'd just pass away someplace beautiful.

Soon after I got here, though, @thesurestthing (also American) started messaging me from the states, told me she was going to come to the Philippines and be my girlfriend (even though I told her no at first), and eventually joined me here. We had a baby under lockdown, and got married.

So now I had something to live for. (And most of y'all know the drama with the error on El's birth certificate that left her stateless and took almost two years and a lot of money to get fixed.)

But I have had health scare after health scare over the past few years, including three bouts of COVID (some of you remember the month I spent hooked up to an oxygen machine), two bouts of pneumonia, a persistent two-year foot infection that took surgery to clear up (and is going to require another surgery to keep cleared up), damage to my heart and scarring in my lungs from long covid, a literal hole in my throat that is growing bigger, a spine injury, joint injuries, osteo and rheumatoid arthritis, a traumatic brain injury that affects my memory and concentration, adhd, bipolar disorder, autism, and other issues.

(Not even getting into the dental stuff--Hope to be able to get that done before we go back, here where it's cheaper, because Medicare doesn't cover that.)

I'm terrified that I won't be alive to watch my little girl grow up unless I can get someplace where I can use my Medicare and VA health benefits.

An old friend of mine is a social worker and on the school board in a small Minnesota city with its own VA clinic, and has offered to help us get settled in there, but we still have to find a place to live (suitable for a couple that includes a physically disabled adult, and who have a toddler), some basic household goods, some cheap used transportation, and need to survive for a couple of months while Zoey looks for work.

Given our situation in general and the fact that right now my disability is our only income, we're probably looking at having to pay at least six months (or possibly an entire year) of rent up front in order to get anyplace to lease to us.

We can't stay with friends because every single stateside friend we have with a spare room also has a cat--and I have an anaphylactic allergic reaction to cats, meaning that I will literally die if I'm around a cat for too long. I've had to go to the ER because I slept in a room that had a blanket in the corner that a cat had momentarily lain on. The only way I can be around cats is if I'm on massive doses of immunosuppressive drugs, which, well... The whole issue here is that I keep getting deathly ill, so suppressing my immune system even more is a non-starter. Oh, and Fel D 1, the protein secreted in cat dander, saliva, and waste, can stay even on hard surface for up to two years, and even longer on porous surfaces.

Again, if we weren't still in so much debt from El's birth certificate debacle, we might be able to do this at least mostly on our own. But as things stand, we can't do it on our own. We need your help.

If you read all of this, thank you very much. And again, if you can't give, please reblog.

For more medical details, check my Rob Gets Medical tag. For more details about Eleanor's birth certificate saga, check my Baby El tag.

[rin-and-jade]

Damn it, Back to Square One: A Post about Skill Regression

It's like how that one time you had an interest to practice a cool trick for impressing people, and you're fully committed until it was pulled off perfectly, only to be performed once before its forgotten for a good while.. Yet, when you thought of going back to that well-practiced trick, it barely replicated the results that was from the previous attempt.

How? You perfectly knew how to do it inside your mind, but your hands failed to perform otherwise. Which means being forgetful wasn't the culprit, but to how our brains store these learnt skills--or behaviors. This is an example of skill regression, let's learn more!

TLDR fast pass: AVAILABLE

What was that?!

That setback? - oh, not to shock you with it being a real thing, here's the general definition of it:

"A phenomenon which entails gradual or abrupt loss of previously acquired skills." - PubMed Central

Yikes, um, nevermind. That DOES sound like a shocking problem... but yes, to put it simply, this regression can be regular or abrupt depending on the circumstances that triggers it. Skill regression also can manifest as temporary or permanent loss of any skills, too.

By the way, everyone can experience this type of regression, though for those who are neurodivergent,, they actually risk skill regressing 5x more than a normal person would, double freaking out right now? Save your screams, i haven't said it is doom's day with no cure.

Then why,, why?

im not telling. Just kidding,,

Here's where thing's get complicated.. There's two common neurodivergence, and those two divergence have fully different reasons why a skill regression was triggered. Isn't this wonderful--you're going to read longer than you'd expect now. (Ha! But knowledge is power.) I'll attempt to keep it as concise though;

Those with ADHD, this is why you got setback:

Stress - it can impede how well you perform or think, causing a temporary regression. Tasks that are usually effortless now takes double the amount of effort to achieve the same result.

Unfamiliarity - You might've practiced singing in your own personal home, the unique atmosphere, and audience who resides in that abode feels like a default setting due to exposure and repetition. So, if you were to do it outside in public, or a stage, the sense of anxiety and zero preparation in a different setting causes your brain to simply.. short circuit. It's temporary though.

Executive Dysfunction - because of how it impairs many other processes such as planning, action, memory, and focus,, these impairments can severely impact how you apply the learnt skills to reality. This is a comorbid-related default reason for regression.

Those with Autism, this is why you got setback:

Overstimulation - sensory disruptions and overwhelm can cause an imbalance in cognitive function, it's like how a computer lags from the sheer amount of information and causing all necessary operations to a halt. This is temporary, upon retreating from stressor.

Unpredictability - routine and stability is where people with ASD function at peak, obstacles that got caught up in the way breaks this flow of mind, as if a train had derailed from it's tracks. Depending on if it is solvable or not, it can be temporary or permanent regression.

Inconsistency - Skills need to be practiced, and often require repetition to further ingrain it. Without it, you would have difficulty applying to different contexts or even worse, fail to create a solid neural pathway and decayed. It can vary from temporary or permanent regression.

Other conditions that cause skill regression:

Neurogenerative diseases such as Alzheimer or Parkinson

Brain damage

Psychological disorders such as depression, OCD, Schizophrenia

Nutrient deficiencies that impact brain function

Withdrawal side effects

Stress

The issue complicates even further when you have other conditions, and/or have ADHD and Autism at the same time. This causes higher chances of overlapping and potential stressors that triggers the regression.

How is this system related?

I promise this post is also related to systemhood, but the basics on this phenomenon still has to be taught so you and i are on the same page. This has been sufficient, so let's finally get to the point of this post!

Right, this is where the questions start flooding, "why do alters have different proficiency?" "why are some unaffected, yet others are susceptible?", and other kinds. Let me go straight to the point.

Alters retain different memories, and they don't get to choose what they remember. These memories can be explicit or implicit information:

Implicit - Where actions are unconsciously adapted and performed, needing no conscious awareness or effort. Automatic. E.g. riding a bike, writing, holding cutlery.

Explicit - Where actions require active recall and thinking in order to be performed. Manual. E.g. math multiplication, reading comprehension, speaking (needs vocabulary)

Skill regression can impact two main aspects such as:

Your social skills - how you pronounce, how to start speaking, or how you use the words, or stay engaged in a conversation

Your motor skills - how you do independent actions, how well is your rough and soft skills, or muscle memory

And sometimes, you can have both skills impacted

Which means.. what the part remembers, can also impact different kinds of regression it will be susceptible too. For those who have shared skills but cannot perform as good, or at all, compared to the proficient alter, this regression is natural due to the dissociative element.

Something feels wrong..

What was that? You just had a realization which unintentionally causes you to function worser than ever without the skills returning?

It seems like you learnt to do things when masking. It basically means when you are used to living in a tight little box, and finally got out of it,, it is more difficult to fit in there again which conveys the strain in upkeeping the skills you had learnt previously.

The purpose of masking is to function on a daily basis to avoid conflict or negative experiences,, it can be as simple as conforming to the norm of "eye contact when talking" or alternatively it is how you cope while being unaware of your condition (such as baring uncomfortable textures, thinking everyone feels that way)

Problem here is, because it feels wrong/unaddressed yet it keeps you going, it will take more energy the longer you upkeep these skills in a masked state as the core issue wasn't tackled. This will slowly bring you to a burnout. So when you realize that this isn't the norm, your mind just drops everything on the ground in relief as its silently detrimental to your health, no matter how convinced you it is helpful.

This is a permanent skill regression caused by any kinds of exhaustion.

Things won't go back to normal?!

Sadly... no. Good news is, you can always build a new framework!

Though, you will be immediately greeted with a problem: hypersensitivity.

After realizing and being aware of the situation, the accumulated stress, and any other factors that comes into play,, being overwhelmed would happen in a daily basis when left unaddressed, so make sure to minimize the sensory/emotional stressors and pay attention to any heightened senses. Also incorporate regulation tools, since if emotions were suppressed when masking, unmasking means releasing these pent-up feelings, making emotions more intense than usual.

Burnout is not normal exhaustion too, so refrain from overexerting yourself and implement lots and lots of rest.

From here on, it will be easier to re-learn everything from the start, and specifically in ways that accommodates your needs. It takes plenty of time in order to see results, if you need any help in this aspect, you are always free to reach out to me or search for any resources regarding this.

Another reminder for yourself, this type of skill regression also cause other symptoms such as trouble focusing, poor memory, and overall difficulty in doing regular tasks as it feels taxing.

Last notes

Okay my bad, you must've expected that alters are involved with skill regression due to CDD's--but apparently, it is closer to neurodivergent experiences that manifested in systemhood.

What are your thoughts on this? I was surprised myself, were you too? Let me know what's interesting in this post so far, and other questions you might have!

- j

--

TLDR

What is Skill Regression?

Skill regression is the loss of previously acquired skills, either temporarily or permanently.

More common in neurodivergent individuals (e.g., ADHD, autism).

Causes of Skill Regression:

ADHD:

Stress: Impairs performance.

Unfamiliarity: New settings cause anxiety.

Executive Dysfunction: Affects planning and memory.

Autism:

Overstimulation: Sensory overload disrupts function.

Unpredictability: Routine disruptions cause setbacks.

Inconsistency: Lack of practice leads to skill decay.

Other Conditions That Cause Skill Regression:

Neurodegenerative diseases (Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s)

Brain damage

Psychological disorders (depression, OCD, schizophrenia)

Nutrient deficiencies

Withdrawal side effects

Stress

Skill Regression in Systems:

Alters may have different skill levels due to varied memories and experiences.

Dissociative elements can naturally cause skill regression.

Addressing Skill Regression:

Build new frameworks tailored to your needs.

Minimize stressors and incorporate regulation tools.

Ensure plenty of rest to avoid burnout.

Skill regression is more correlated to neurodivergence which in return affects system experiences, rather than where being a system causes skill regression.

[owo-writing-man]

A former friend asked us "how did you figure out your system so quickly"

We didn't. Host *knew* he had alters over 5 years ago. Host engaged with them but again said "didn't have bad enough childhood to be did" he worked with them. On what they held. Until they went away. Something about inner selfs

Host *knew* sometimes someone else was in control. He assumed it's how people with ADHD dissociate. He worked on making sure he didn't dissociate.

Host *knew* he wasn't a full person. He fixed that. He became friends with people. He found likes and interest. He became well rounded. He became more than what he split for.

Over a year ago did as a concept was reintroduced to us. It was a concept host knew. It was a concept host explored. It was a concept he denied for almost 4 years. He for 4 years focused on symptoms and not the label.

And even then having 4 years of working on himself and system members without knowing it still broke him. Because having a disorder caused by such terrible fucking abuse would break anyone. And even to this day every day is a deliberate and active step to figuring out our system.

When the former friend asked host "how did you figure out your system so quickly"

Host went "idk."

And our friend went "I wish I was lucky like you"

Because this is what luck looks like I guess.

[duskcourse]

Duskcourse Controversial Take 3

I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this but at this point this is a genuine concern of safety in my honest opinion. There is genuinely no way to create a safe DID exclusive community online without therapists involved and it being a therapeutic group.

There should be no DID exclusive spaces online without third party moderation.

Now some people are going to react aggressively to this sentiment, they're going to get incredibly upset with me and see this as me wanting to take things away from them. The truth couldn't be further from that. I do think that it's important for people with DID such as myself to be able to find others and talk to them, I think our experiences feel more validated through having met others with the disorder. However the sheer amount of harm that we've experienced from the environments of DID exclusive spaces and some of the behavior of other systems especially those who I specifically became close with due to having a similar disorder has made it clear to me it's simply not safe.

You know what being someone with DID tells the bad people in these small enclosed communities? That you're vulnerable to abuse, manipulation, and may forget how bad their abuse is. There's this underlying idea that people have that others with DID are safe. In my case I was treated horrifically for having grown up in a cult and daring to mention it offhandedly. To this first server I was seen as literally the same as my abusers because clearly me mentioning my trauma would cause people to die for whatever reason. The second server wasn't actually an exclusive space, but the mentality from these exclusive spaces stuck with me. Others with DID obviously were safer to be around and understood me better and are naturally safe... she even had a plural section in her server. My ideas taken from the way people seemed to put those who have the same disorders on a pedestal of further safety than any others are what lead to me getting groomed and abused for two years by my mentor and her partner who was another mentor for me. This lead to them introducing me to their friend, my ex-friend and third groomer.

Of course now I am aware my past mentor was lying about having DID then claimed OSDD but from my current awareness is actually an endogenic system. This however doesn't erase the fact I found her due to claims of having DID and trusted her more intensely than others. I relied on her in a deeply unhealthy way the same amount and then more over and over again as I had in DID exclusive spaces.

DID is a deeply stressful and debilitating disability. Regardless of how hard you try to make a safe online community (specifically discord) you will not be able to. People with these very extreme conditions who aren't far enough into therapy and recovery should not be making communities when they're incredibly unstable themselves. People with severely unstable conditions should not be throwing themselves into places where people often claim to be a provider, psuedo-parent, a place of safety and knowing how to make them do better while nobody is a professional or a therapist. The amount of harm done to people from being convinced of things that hurts them and their recovery as well is horrific.

Most people with DID also have a lot of comorbidities. Putting a bunch of severely mentally ill and deeply traumatized people is a recipe for disaster. The amount of times people trigger each other into spiraling or blow up at one another due to comorbid disorders leads to the entire experience being between walking on eggshell and hot coals. These spaces are not safe as they're never equipped to handle the sheer amount of issues that all of us bring.

For example we ourselves have massive comorbidities. I have ADHD, Autism, Bipolar 1, Depression, Anxiety, OCD, PTSD, and C-PTSD. I know I'm not stable enough to be able to moderate communities that include others with things like that too as I'm a 20 year old with no professional experience and a degree in something else. I've known people with longer lists of disorders than mine who moderate DID exclusive spaces and they get fucked over for it because of the sheer amount of horrific topics they have to shift through in that moderation.

I think there can be stuff like the Tumblr community where it's less centrally organized and has moderation done by the affirm already. But specific servers and exclusive communities without third parties are dangerous.

[bulletproofthroat]

this painting was inspired by edvard munchs "Despair"

it came under the pretext of suffering BPD, and as somebody who suffers it severely, it only helped if i tried to face these issues, ulterior illnesses such as ASD, ADHD, OCD and bipolar I only added fuel to the flaming rapture of my illnesses and i don't wish this upon anybody. I remember some people were talking on how corey himself must have BPD from his traits, myself, i agree 100% on these claims, spotting a borderline takes no effort because our emotions are so erratic and the way our cognition exists is in the term "borderline" we see the world in black and white, gray areas don't exist for us. One second I'll be infatuated by somebody just for them to do nothing more than a trivial act, sending me into a spiral of disdain and hatred, it guts me each time i have to use "oh i have bpd sorry" as an excuse because i know the whole world doesn't know about this disorder, nor do the people i hurt or sabotaged relations with, am i a bad person for this? that's a debate, part of me knows i am no angel, though was it my fault for turning out like this? being groomed just as i turned 11? Being sexually assaulted in school or on the bus when i was 8? I still blame myself for these actions regardless of what the ordinary person says. I am born to parents who are war survivors, a grandfather who was a political prisoner in Iraq, a mother who has endured war during her childhood, losing her father for a good portion of her life, on the flip side of the same coin, my father who grew up in 1970's iraq without a mother or father due to the circumstances of saddam hussein, he was left to grow up with his sisters and his grandparents. Do i blame them for displacing the extreme trauma onto me? cracking my weak ego day by day from what they interpret as normal or righteous? No. I know they have unresolved mental punctures but that's not for me to stigmatize because I'm taking it secondhanded now, though it has stunted my performance socially and rationally, and this isn't holistically from my parents, though extraneous issues such as being groomed played a large factor. 2018-2020 was maybe one of the worst years of my life, what i simply enjoyed was playing roblox until the man who had ruined my life unconsciously came and exchanged discords with me. From then my life had seemed to be nothing but a whirlwind of hell that i couldn't reach out, i stayed quiet, i walked quiet and never spoke. The day I was in iraq for holiday was maybe the day I had shattered as a child, the breakup between us, when i was 12, had acted as a catalyst for me to engage in risky behaviour, self harm and, you guessed it, suicidal plans. I remember the first time I was cutting myself was with a piece of glass I smashed outside in the barren area of iraq, ranya. I took dusty shards of glass and sat outside on the stairs, unsure of how self harm even worked, or how to purposely make myself bleed for such a horrific cause. The most i had succeeded in was a galore of scratches with some small cuts on my legs. I was scared to touch my wrists but the will for self harm lingered. Houses in iraq typically consist of two floors for 2 separate families to live in, so there i sat on the second floor on the balcony with my legs dangling off the railings, wishing i wasn't scared to throw myself off because i knew i was nothing, i was empty, docile, without the so called man of my life. What baffles me to this day was that he never gave me an actual age, he had said he was 16, to then being able to own an apartment filled with booze on each crevice of the shelf. i remember that discord call like it was yesterday, and i was maybe 12? he had laughed saying he was 18, though he was reassuring he was 16. that wasn't the case until i turned 15, realising i was groomed to then he typed at me with such condescending vocabulary, asking me as a rhetoric, "why should i trust you with my age?" and nothing had tore me more as a person than to hear that.

from that encounter onwards, my relationships had all been nothing but short and difficult. I was always known as "sabotaging" or "impulsive and incapable to deal with" a plethora of words were used for me that fits the criteria perfectly. It didn't help that from when i was 14 i had abused alcohol behind my parents back. from 2021 in iraq, i had drank and drank, when i wasnt with my mother, i had drank beer, whiskey, vodka, anything my uncles had, i took, and i took and took to the point i slept with alcohol in the same mattress. i had grown more infatuated to being intoxicated than sober because being sober ached my conscience as a child, and to be in a state where i could barely move or talk decently, it grabbed me. I'm turning 18 years of age in less than 150 days, my relationship with alcohol is like a tidal wave, i either cut off for good on some days, until i relapse incredibly hard and wake up in the bath tub, and that's what happened to me around august of 2023, the month my uncle died before i received my exam results, i was dating my ex, who had never hurt me. he had lived an hour from me and i wished for nothing more than to meet him and be in love, or so i thought. until that 1 month relationship had fell. i grieved hard to the point my £100 in my account had rinsed completely to £3 because of the alcohol i had bought. all i remember from august was the amount of jack daniels i had drank, nothing more or less. my ex, being concerned had called me along with my ex friend, scared for my well being as i would randomly be angry. it was petty. we had all been friends since 2019, those two had been friends since 2016-17. it was natural for them to be close and friendly with eachother, though for me, i took it the wrong way, i saw it as he was cheating on me, did he love me? was he taking the piss out of me by making sexual jokes? but it was stupid, we all made sex jokes, what was the difference? now that we're dating? i got angry quickly, i had been known to "press" people a lot, like a leech, i wanted something out of them, a reaction, something explosive. i wanted control over him, and it turned horribly. when i went to birmingham for my uncles funeral, whom i never said goodbye to because he was murdered in cold blood by a silencer. It was typical iraq politics, rationale doesn't exist, just cold blooded cavemen who will get what they want, even if that means tearing a family apart. september 4th, the day he broke up with me, was the day i had tore down completely, how does one reach such volatile state that it only depletes and depletes further? Here I am now. I have 1 last session left of cognitive behaviour therapy, then i'm onto psychotherapy. it's nice knowing what they are as i have been taught these in my psychology class. in school, when i was 15, a boy in the year below, i had been close with him because we were in the school band playing soul music, we had the same hobbies and taste in music. he was a guitarist and i was the vocalist/bassist, at the time i thought we had the chemistry until he had got with another girl in his year group. angering me enough, i tried to prove myself, though it never worked. skip until now, 2024, i have removed him off my socials, what once were close friends now are nothing but strangers, somebody i loathe completely. you'll assume it's something dastardly from his end, however it was never the case. the day he had told me he had broken with his girlfriend, i felt relieved, though i knew he wasn't mentally well himself, i felt nothing but like a stepping stool or his boredom to be levitated, i had been there on site 24/7 if he felt, sad i cried for him, i drunkenly proposed when i was in iraq during 2022, out of guilt and shame i apologised. he had led me on. This had fueled my borderline. Now here I am. avoidant and spiteful. Nobody's obliged to read this, though this will stay here, love yall

(bpd gang rise)

[celebrityhero]

yeah adhd is cringe now because it's kind of becoming 'overdone' and people on social media talking about it turned it into the disorder that causes every single problem on the planet thus making life basically unlivable. annoying extremely long post under the cut you know how it is

but I feel it is two-pronged as a repetition online because i do think it has effected more parts of my life than i ever realized and being diagnosed with it plus autism did make me feel like i had to come to terms with a lot of things about my life and my behavior that i assumed were not only normal and i was being dramatic about but also so normal and typical that everyone did them and i just had to learn how to stop having problems with it. the second prong is that i think people are kind of using it to wash away possibly all personal responsibility. i hates ta says it but i do think the notion that people with adhd benefit from more discipline is most definitely true. i can do things at my own pace and it is probably better for me to not inflame my pots every fucking day (and pots will improve with exercise & honestly i am eating like shit lately but pots hasn't been too bad bc of it though i imagine it will worsen if i don't improve it soon) but 'my own pace' involves a lot of simple mistakes that i really do just miss and have to let go and forgive myself for that an average person would not have to do.

THAT ALL BEING SAID... i can only remember so many things from my childhood that lead me to believe my adhd diagnosis is 'legit' in the sense that i was just reading an article that illustrated that internet usage is actively depleting our attention spans, giving us 'checking' behaviors, giving us mutlimedia split focus (can't remember if that's the term in the article I wanted to link it after I was done reading it if it held up), like this stuff is a no-brainer it's stuff i noticed happening to myself as a little computer addict eight year old && i was just blogging on allykatzz and playing webkinz but i still felt like something was happening to me mentally and changing how i was thinking and behaving. this is stuff we all have noticed over time too, so i guess my inquiry for the uprising of adhd diagnosed individuals is if your internet usage is plentiful and if reducing it has ever made you less distractable? I Have Found that reduction of usage does not make me less distractable and i seem to be able to entertain myself without a personal entertainment machine. but i also have never reduced internet usage for longer than a week if that. but i do remember things about being a kid that lead me to believe i really do have adhd, how it persisted into teenagerdom is hard to say because as a 'digital native' (another term from the article) i only lived so many years of my life without using a computer a lot lol. i would like to mitigate that too though.

and i think i have gotten better at choosing what i want to do online and also trying to fight the online checking behaviors or even ones like 'omg i can't post xyz online because it's CRINGE!!!!' but i like to type a lot sorry screw me kill me behead me run me over with with your gay little bike i really don't care if it's cringe. i yam what i yam. and i think choosing what i do online is a step towards reducing my contact with online world which is a step towards better discipline that hopefully reduces my adhd symptoms.

because even the age old adhd diagnosis checker of do adhd meds work for you? then yea you probably have it, doesn't really feel Real to me because if the internet is changing our cognition, even able to reduce the gray matter in our brains and things, then who's to say that it isn't also making adhd medication work for people who otherwise did not naturally otherwise qualify for adhd? like to be honest even when i qualified for adhd diagnosis from a therapist & a psychiatrist, i wasn't given extensive testing. they didn't go over my childhood. they didn't bring in my mom to ask about how i was doing or what i was like. it's not standard to inquire about someone's internet usage. i truly think we are getting to a point where we might need to start changing someone's internet habits before we consider evaluating them for anything, but i am not a psychologist nor am i deeply studied in these things, nor do i even have a precursory survey of psychology or anthropology or whatever else one would need to study to Really Understand these things. i just am making observations and i do talk to people irl, i think my internet presence gives the impression i do not do that. but i do! and among my peers and my age group i do think it's a cause for concern that we are addled with distractible qualities. i think getting distracted is normal and i've talked to my mom about our shared webbing thought patterns and i guess i call into question how natural that is for me. would i have ever developed that if i didn't go online?

and for as much as im leaning into confirmation bias for my own self i do remember as a kid being very sure i didn't have adhd, because i knew some kids who did have it and they read to me as stupid--keep in mind i had already developed a maladaptive narcissistic coping mechanism to protect myself, so i tend to chalk that up to that rather than to me finding my peers beneath me in a genuine way. though maybe i did genuienly find those people stupid in a shameful way. i viewed adhd purely thru a lens of ability, and that is real that the things that matter about adhd is how it affects one's abilities, and as a kid i didn't like to think of myself as unable to do things. it was true that i would get bored of reading books even if i liked them, and i would need to jump into some other activity, but a) i was a kid! and b) i liked drawing and writing my own stories way more than i liked engaging with something someone else made (and i was always very sure that i could do what other people did but better, i guess i can't decide if this is a child ego thing or maladaptive narcissism because i have only recently recognized and tried to grow out of this). i liked reading because i liked visualizing, but i would often become distracted and skip ahead, or distracted and begin daydreaming--these are things my mom also said she did. i rarely got in trouble but when i did it was because i was being disruptive because of my quirks like clicking pens or shaking my legs, and there's also the angle of inattentive adhd or adhd in girls being a little more tempered and not as noticable or diagnosable. but while all of those things are true how are we supposed to feel absolute certainty that i definitely have adhd and have had it since i was a kid? how do we know if that wasn't all byproduct of internet addiction or otherwise internet mental erosion?

and i propose the same question to everyone who uses their adhd as this life-changing, shocking, mind-bending deliverance of the good psych world that has persisted, hidden from their self-perception for years of their lives. yes, it can be true, but with how it's utilized in the common consciousness i just call it into question. there are those tweets about how people with adhd can't do anything, annoyance at its permeation throughout the digitalscape verbalized through little posts poking fun at the phrasing of those adhd information posts, which i also think are funny. and i DO concur that a lot of this stuff is cringe and frankly yeah overdone. i do question how is it possible that we all have it? how is it possible we all have a developmental disability? how is it possible that every single person who has this diagnosis, myself included, can not stop bringing it up whenever they make a mistake or lose focus for 5 seconds? it wasn't paramount for a good chunk of our lives so did it really reframe our self-perception that severely? as a kid i thought people with adhd were morons! even if i didn't mean it and i was just being ignorant or narcissistic, i could have never imagined myself as being just like them. they were loud, obnoxious, had no control over their actions it seemed like--and we can kindly ignore that i had similar experiences that i was not self aware about for a long while, just for the sake of argument. as much as i think that it makes sense why this surge happens and why the annoying 'omg sorry i have adhd' 'btw i have adhd' 'as someone who struggles with adhd...' seems to be the case for every single diagnosed person for not no reason, i do agree with the general perception that it all seems a touch overblown. oh, i don't know, it's just a little too convenient that every single thing is just too difficult for those with adhd. the poor dears.

[syscultureis]

plural culture is going to get properly diagnosed, but the response given is 'well, you show these symptoms, but your depression and anxiety are too bad so we can't really tell', after months of waiting for the results.

So you and the others are just sitting there like

It's painfully annoying when professionals refuse to do any more than the bare minimum when it comes to diagnosis

I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD or autism for YEARS

because I had a depression and anxiety diagnosis

So it was "too hard to tell"

And then I was struggling in college, had enough money for a therapist and thought "might as well get a 3rd opinion"

And she told me in our second session she was positive I had ADHD and autism, and wanted to know if I was ready to actually take the diagnostic testing thing

Doctor shopping isn't always possible, and is often used to fakeclaim, but sometimes it's best to find a doctor who is at the very least willing to work with you

Because if you do find the right one, they can give you a diagnosis even if you have other disorders, or at least tell you that it's very likely you have the disorder rather than disregarding it all together

[loving-family-poll]

i fear we are departing from incest but i love to hear myself talk so i shall tell you about my sister's complex about me. first we have to establish some things: my sister is older than me (the oldest of us all, i'm second oldest, just mentioning it bc me not being the youngest feels important here), my sister has an inferiority complex that stems from me being the successful one (probably will come up later but i was a very smart kid and ended up skipping so many grades that i started college at 15), and that my sister has always had bad anxiety and is very very sensitive to rejection

so. let's start from the beginning. our father left us young, didn't pay child support, was generally an asshole, but most importantly he would visit for one reason: me. i was the favorite because, as i mentioned, i was a smart kid and he is very success-oriented so naturally he took to me (and off-topic but this happens so often. like very very success driven people have been weirdly into me since i was a little kid. weird shit but i've used it to my advantage cough cough getting a kid flunked and almost expelled) so anyway our father visits us just for me, even tells me about all the women he was cheating on my mom with before they got divorced. and my sister? my sister has bad anxiety, she's sensitive to being left out. and more than that she has very very strong rejection sensitivity. so how do you think it'd feel to be the oldest child and yet be ignored by our father (this did not affect my other siblings they were too young). so this puts me above her in her mind

she fails a lot in school and this wrecks her confidence, especially since i've always been greatly successful in school. she's pushed aside by her father for me, she's pushed away by her teachers for me (to the point that i would have a teacher for a short time before i'd test out and they'd still call her my name no matter how long she had them). she also has very poor social skills so she was never liked by her peers while i was funny and i was smart and i was such a goody-two-shoes brat but teachers adored me to the point that i could get away with anything i wanted (yes i was pulling shit i think i had a habit of attacking one of my teachers and everyone was cool with it) and she'd be scolded for any little issues because she wasn't as liked + she was more frustrating (she had untreated adhd for a hot minute). keep in mind that most of this was happening while we were both under 10/11

so. you'd think that she would have some deep-seated resentment against me. and you would be correct! now idk what you know about psychology and chances are it's bs anyway (<-psych major that does not trust the field in the slightest) but there's this nifty little concept called reaction formation. it's freudian so. take that as you will. but basically it's just when a strong emotion switches from one to another. for example: hate to love, love to hate… resentment to adoration?

so that's my theory for the basis of this. she has an inferiority complex and a sensitivity to rejection and i was everything she wasn't and for whatever reason her kid brain said hey, why not love my sister instead. and honestly this wasn't that like. prevalent until we teenagers, because i became very neurotic and anxious and developed some disorders you know how it is. and now we see something new in my sister: she likes to take care of people. if i couldn't do something she would do it for me, if someone was pushing my boundaries she would enforce them. i basically spent all of middleschool hiding away in our home (i was homeschooled atp) with only her for company since i'd hide in our room. so she;s taken on the role of being my protector. probably because if she would never be better than me, at least she could be the one protecting me. it made her important. it made her necessary. it made her feel needed. and that is when i catch on. i encouraged her a bit, started praising her, thanking her for any little thing she did, calling for her anytime i needed help because she just loves to feel needed so badly. and yeah maybe that was manipulative and maybe it was wrong but i was also like. 14 or 15 when i started doing this

anyway so she has this whole complex about needing to protect me so that she can feel needed and it's all fueled by her inferiority complex that honestly drives so much of what she does. i find it highly amusing.

so yeah. she's basically a dog to me. tell her she's good and give her a treat and she'll do what you want. and if she does something that makes me upset she folds so fucking quickly it's wild. it's that fear of rejection. she could never stand for me of all people to drop her

and to the person who wanted us in the tournament together sorry but we are just weird about each other in a not-so-incesty way but the vibes are kinda there

The way I was glued to this ask reading SO intently. What you two have going on is so much weirder than if you'd just fucked (complimentary)