#Because not being able to post at least SOMETHING during AW would have been devastating

[a-gay-bloodmage]

Day 5: Logic Has Not Yet Reached Her

(Merrill x Marian Hawke, Justice x Anders)

Hawke has been invited back to Merrill’s house for Wintersend. She doesn’t want to go alone. As a result, Anders and Justice are dragged along to be spectators to an afternoon of watching their first friend in Kirkwall pine after a blood mage.

Written for the @loveofdragonage and @andersweek2025 events!

[foursideharmony]

Okay, so remember this post I made a few months ago about how I think the Mindscape “works” in terms of structure? I thought I should also share some of my headcanons about how the Sides themselves work.

(Note: I prefer to capitalize Side because it’s a fairly common word on its own, and this distinguishes the characters we love so much from other uses which are likely to crop up.)

Question #1: Do they need to eat, sleep, etc.? You know what? I think they do. Your brain functions need energy and downtime in order to keep operating at peak efficiency, and that translates, in the Mindscape, into actual food and sleep.

It can be entirely literal—the food that Thomas eats becomes stored caloric energy, and that manifests in the Mindscape as the stuff available in the Sides’ fridge and pantry. What they have available reflects the kind of stuff he’s been eating lately, so they try to influence his eating habits in accordance with their tastes. Logan wants perfect nutritional balance, Patton’s into comfort food, Roman wants to experiment with flavors and try gourmet and exotic cuisine, etc.

As for sleep/rest, I think they need differing amounts, which may or may not correspond to Thomas’s own sleep schedule. Logan sleeps when Thomas does, almost by definition. Virgil has to drift off before Thomas can sleep…but he is the lightest sleeper of the lot, and might well wake up in the middle of the night and start poking Thomas’s dreams. Roman and Patton can both remain active all night, on and off, but balance it by being the most likely to need naps during the day. (Ever had a night of intense dreams that leave you with subdued emotional affect the next day? That happens to Thomas too...it means Patton stayed up way too late and is sleeping in.) Janus and Remus have, I think, unpredictable sleep patterns, and are especially prone to timing their bouts of activity for when at least three other Sides are asleep, so Thomas is caught off-guard.

Question #2: Can they be hurt? Well, the answer to this one is an unambiguous YES, as proven in several episodes, so let’s tweak it: How can they be hurt, and how do they recover from being hurt? Yeah, that’s much more fun to speculate about!

Not only can the Sides be injured, but the show gives us two ways it can happen. The simpler one is, they can hurt each other, just like real people can hurt each other. We have several instances in the series of Sides throwing things at each other and causing pain or injury as a result. I extend that to mean that they can also be injured within the Mindscape via household accidents, misadventure in the Imagination, etc. That’s their “world,” and it can affect them just as the physical world affects physical people.

The other way they can be hurt, of course, is if something happens in Thomas’s life that negatively impacts his self-image vis-à-vis their function. We saw this happen in “My NEGATIVE Thinking” when Roman, as Thomas’s ego, was “bruised” by his fumble at the audition. It’s easy to imagine situations where this happens to other Sides. Thomas’s feelings might be hurt, which means Patton takes a hit. Or he might have his intelligence called into question, which could damage Logan. Fortunately, they apparently heal this damage as soon as Thomas gets over whichever crisis caused it. This leads me to my major thesis statement about their faux-physicality:

The Sides’ “physical” condition is largely determined by their expectations.

The Sides aren’t precisely human. They are, however, aspects of a human, which means they have human experiences of the world, human reactions to events, and human expectations regarding their environment. Thomas knows that when a wadded-up piece of paper hits your eye, it hurts, and so Roman knows it too, and so when a wadded-up piece of paper hits his eye, it hurts. It’s actually the same mechanism by which Thomas flubbing his audition causes Roman to become bruised. The audition goof changes Roman’s opinion of himself from “amazing actor” to “terrible actor,” and since Thomas’s acting ability is a major part of his function, that damages him. Being hit in the eye with a wadded-up piece of paper changes his self-image from “person who is totally fine” to “person who has just been hit in the eye with a wadded-up piece of paper,” and because he knows it’s supposed to hurt, that damages him. Not much, since being hit in the eye with a wadded-up piece of paper only hurts a little, and briefly, but that’s the process.

And that’s why Logan is able to shake off Remus’s violent attacks in “Dealing With Intrusive Thoughts.” As Logic, Logan is able to maintain the presence of mind to remember that they are not actually physically real, and therefore the attacks aren’t actually happening to anyone. He still reels when Remus hurls a shuriken into his forehead, because that’s a reflexive reaction, but he is braced for it; it does not affect his self-image enough to do any lasting damage. Perhaps the other Sides could also “roll to disbelieve” in this fashion, but it would likely be much harder for them, because they are not cold hard Logic.

If an injury does stick, expectations also govern how fast they recover. Fortunately for the Sides, it’s not as straightforward as the process of getting hurt in the first place. Although they know, like Thomas does, how long many types of injuries take to heal, for them it can go much faster because of the self-image thing. Say Patton trips going down the stairs. He breaks his arm because the fall changes his self-image to “person who just fell down the stairs OOOOOWWWWWW,” and he remains that way for a time. But with proper care, he soon starts to feel better, his self-image changes again to “person who is getting better,” and this accelerates his healing process.

All the whumpy goodness a fan writer could want, without the hassle of long-term impairment or permanent damage.

Question #3: Can they…you know…bite the big one?

I honestly haven’t given this one as much thought as the other questions…or as much thought as some other fans have. Here are the possibilities I’ve seen explored:

No. No matter how much damage a Side takes, he can’t actually die. Chop off his head, and he walks around carrying it. It probably looks annoyed.

Yes, but not permanently. They come back after a while. The exact length of the while depends on the writer, and sometimes varies by method of death. In some cases, they spring back to life, while in others, the “body” disappears and reforms later in some designated part of the Mindscape. They might lose some memories in the process or otherwise be altered slightly.

Yes, and it’s awful. Eventually a new personification will form in order to be that Side of Thomas’s personality, but the original is gone forever and we will all miss him terribly.

Yes, and it’s devastating for Thomas, who outright loses that facet of himself for the rest of his life. AND we miss the dead Side terribly.

I tend to lean toward the first two answers myself. It seems to me that the only way to outright erase part of someone’s personality is for the person to willingly and deliberately undergo intensive therapy to that specific end, and even then, I think it would result in the Side transforming into something very different, rather than going away forever. And it would be a slow enough process that the transformation itself would seem like a natural evolution rather than a replacement of one character with another.

But ultimately? I don’t know. More to the point, in my headcanon-verse, neither do the Sides. It makes for better drama if they have no idea how mortal they are and don’t dare to find out.

Wow, this went on longer than I expected. I hope you all enjoyed it!

[coloraturadiva]

A mistake - Chapter 3

Pairing: Napoleon Solo x F!Reader (You)

Summary:  Napoleon realises he had made a mistake

Chapters: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Warnings: angst, fluff, pregnancy (I’m sure I forgot something...)

Word Count: 2692

A/N: a special thank you to my lovely beta @iloveyouyen ! This is the third and last chapter of this story, I hope you’ll like it 😉

Disclaimer: a strict work of fiction, I own nothing except the original characters and the plot line. In no way am I affiliated to any of it.  

Feedback, reblogs and constructive criticism are appreciated!

Please don't post any of my content anywhere else without my permission. Comments and reblogs welcome!

Tagging some people that never asked for it and others that actually did: @iloveyouyen @littlefreya @aletheladyinred @madbaddic7ed @promptandpros @mrsaugustwalker @jencanbeyouryengeralt @radaofrivia @henrythickcavill @ladyreapermc @mary-ann84 @onlyhenrys @qualitynightkoala @eefjedegraaf @summersong69 @minillamakeup-blog @trippedmetaldetector @maan24​  @bichibibi​  @rn7rocks​ 

Knock knock

“What are you doing here?”

There he was. You had heard no words from him for the past 2 weeks. As he said, he came to the house the day after he left to collect his things when you were at work and left his keys in the mailbox.

Now he stood on your doorstep looking like he was the one suffering from morning sickness. He was looking terrible, not his usual spit and polish self. Pale, his lips dehydrated, the eyes dull and puffy, the hair messy: he looked like he had aged 20 years in 14 days.

“Can I come in?”

“Of course” you felt unsure about his intentions, but you let him in nevertheless . “This is still your house anyway”. You didn't hear a word from him or his lawyer. You had expected a phone call or even papers delivered to you in a couple of days, but nothing happened, and you thought that he had been whisked away on a mission before having the time to arrange the situation with a lawyer.

“What do you want?” you asked him, not daring to look at him in the eye, fearing you'd burst out crying. You had cried so much during the past weeks that you thought you had no more tears in you, but his sudden appearance made you feel teary all over again.

“I left two very important things there” he answered in a soft, but raspy tone. Even his voice didn't sound like it used to be.

“Really?” you tried to sound polite, even if a million of different emotions were raging in your head: anger, fear, sorrow, loneliness, the urge to kiss him one last time... “What? I haven't seen anything...”

“My wife and my baby”.

“What?” your head span. You didn't trust your legs and went to sit on the closest seat you could find: an armchair in the parlour.

He followed you, terrified. His face turned even paler than before.

“What happened? Are you unwell?” he kneeled in front of you, his voice trembled with worry.

Your head snapped up. You looked at him in the eye for a second and... slapped him. You slapped him with all the force you had in your body. Maybe slapping a CIA agent wasn't the best idea for your safety, but you couldn't help yourself. He had to steady himself on the nearby sofa not to fall.

“YOU IDIOT! You come here out of nowhere after having left your PREGNANT wife and you even have the courage to ask me what happened and if I am unwell?! Of course I'm unwell, you broke my heart!” you were flushed, your breath laboured.

He looked at you wide eyed.

“I'm so sorry...” he began in a pleading tone, looking at his hands: he was still wearing his wedding band. Like you. “I panicked. I fucked it all up big time. I know I don't deserve to ask for anything and I'll understand if you won't get me back, but I had to try. I couldn't let go of everything we have built this way. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing I hadn't tried to get you back.”

“You did, all with your hands” you retorted bitterly.

“I know. And I'm the most stupid and undeserving man in the world. But I'm madly in love with you and I can't let you go for any reason.”

“Except an unwanted child” you bashed him.

He bowed his head.

“I... I wasn't expecting it. Coming home and seeing you with a bump...”

“No, you never wanted it, it's not the surprise factor. That would have caused you to stay speechless, to panic for ten minutes, to say something stupid, not to leave me in less than two minutes, without giving me the opportunity to explain, with those bitter words.”

“Bitter words?” he asked lost.

“I knew a baby would have come to separate us. That's what you said. It's not the baby's fault! How can it be? It's your fault! You went away treating me like a broken object, without even looking at me. Not even an animal deserves to be treated that way! And you started to talk about divorce papers in less than three seconds after having realised I was pregnant. That broke my heart, you know that? That physically broke my heart! That evening I thought I was gonna die right on the floor, where you had left me! And why did you do that? Because things weren’t going like you wanted, because I displeased you! How awful! And it happened ONCE. Once in all the years we have been together! Well, sorry, but I was not born with the sole purpose to please your cravings and your ego, I’m human too and I have my interests and my wishes as well. You always knew, from the very start, that I wanted to build a family with you, but you were so obsessively against the idea of having kids that I renounced my own wishes because I wanted to be with you. I’m sure you believe that I did get pregnant on purpose, but I didn’t do it, I swear. I was as surprised as you when I found out. I’m not the one that goes behind other people's backs, you are... So you wanted to punish me for something that’s not my fault, or, at least, is your fault as well. Of course! You are the important one here, while I’m the stupid, lovesick woman that offended you by getting pregnant, but I’ll never feel sorry about loving my baby! You can’t throw away people like a broken toy because things aren’t going like you have planned. I won’t accept it.”

He felt ashamed of himself like he never felt in his whole life. Stealing, the black market, spying, that was nothing compared to what he had done to you without even realizing.

“And you know what's the worst part of it?” you continued. “That I loved you. I kept on loving you anyway. Even if you had treated me so bad, I couldn't bring myself to hate you. Hating you would have made everything easy, but it was impossible. When I arrived home after work the day after you left, I hoped to find you there, or at least that you hadn't come to take away your things. That would have meant that you were in doubt, that you were still thinking about it. But when I arrived home, I saw that all was gone. Your wardrobe was empty, your drawers were empty, your library was empty, even the comforting smell of you was gone from this house. My heart broke yet again. It was really the end...”

You started sobbing, all the emotions of the past weeks washed over you at once. You felt overwhelmed.

"Do you want to know why I left?" he asked looking at the floor after having taken a deep breath. "Because I'm scared…"

"Oh, don't tell me!" you answered sarcastically. "The hero, the great secret agent is scared of a baby! Please, I'm not that stupid…"

"I'm not scared OF a baby." He whispered. "I'm scared FOR the baby. And for you".

"What?" you asked not getting his point. What was to be scared about? Women get pregnant and babies are born everyday. It's normal, it's natural.

"I… I've always been worried about your safety…" he hesitated. "You know who I am, you know what I have done, you know what I do… I can't control everything, I can't be here to protect you all the time. I'm constantly worried that one day someone could decide to seek revenge against me by hurting you. It's something that has been burning me from the inside since the very first time I saw you. I can't bear the thought of you getting hurt because of me. You don't deserve it, it's not right. I've done my fair share of bad things, but you are innocent, you shouldn't be in this mess… But you are right, I'm an egoist. Even if I wanted you to be safe, I loved you too much, I wanted you to be mine… Even if it was a risk for you… That's why I never wanted a baby. Thinking of you being in danger is already a big hardship for me, but a baby… That's too much. That's not a life for a baby. I know very well how it hurts you having me to stay away on missions all that time, not knowing if I'll come back all in one piece. That's wrong. A baby and a young mother shouldn't be living like that… That's why I panicked, that's why I left. I thought that with me gone, maybe you could have been safe, you could have built a new and better life for the two of you. Maybe with a better man… That’s it. I panicked and in my head, going away was a way to protect you..." he paused for long minutes, playing nervously with his wedding ring. "What can I do to make amends?” he begged. “Please, tell me.”

You kept on crying. You had no idea. You loved him, but he had hurt you so much you didn't know what you really wanted.

He was devastated. Seeing you crying, so trembling and fragile and all because of him made him feel physically sick.

He didn't think too much about it, or at the consequences: he went to sit on the armrest of the armchair and took you into his arms. He didn't move, he didn't caress you, he just held you still.

At first you were stiff, unsure about the unexpected contact, but soon enough you melted in his arms. It felt so good to be back where you felt you belonged after such a long time. You were unsure if you could ever forgive him, but you also knew that you couldn't live without him.

“What made you change your mind?” you suddenly asked in a whisper. “Why did you come here today?”

“You. Both of you.” He hesitated, his voice trembled. He sounded deeply emotional. “I mean, I love you. It's you, it's our baby. I don't want you to be with another man… I want to see our baby grow… I know it's a risk and I don’t know if I can protect you, but at least I want to try. I can't let you go… "

“Our baby” you sobbed.

“Yes, of course you were right. Like you are always right. It takes two to make a baby. I can't blame everything on you. I'm sure I did my part… I’m just a scared idiot, but I love you. It only took me too long to realise how much I love you and how important you and the baby are for me. More important than my fears.”

“The baby as well?”

“Yes, the baby as well. I love both of you so much”.

You sighed. He sounded like he meant his words. He sounded like himself again. A tired Napoleon, but your Napoleon.

“I... Your... Your grandmother visited me.”

“My grandmother? How? I don't know where you are staying now. How does she?”

“She probably has been a secret agent for all her life and never told a soul. I can't find a different explanation” he smiled. “Her methods are also quite... effective. I was there, tormenting myself to decide when was the best moment to come to you, if today was too soon, or already too late, when she knocked on my door, stormed in and gave me a lecture. She talked for 15 minutes straight, I think. She didn't let me say a word. And she beat me with her walking stick.”

“WHAT?”

“I told you her methods are effective. I said something that displeased her, and she wanted to make it clear.”

“You probably deserved it...”

“Indeed. I deserved that and your slap too.”

“You had already decided to come back before her visit?” you changed the subject.

“Yes. Two days after I left you, when I found myself with all my things in a house that wasn't ours and without you and having left you alone, I realised that I made the biggest mistake of my life.”

“That was nearly two weeks ago...”

“I know, but I didn't have the courage to come, I had no idea what to say...”

“And waiting made a difference?”

“Yes, because the more the days passed, the more I was sure that I missed you and that leaving you alone wasn’t the best way to keep you and the baby safe. I realised that I made a big mistake. Not being with you was a mistake… By leaving you I was only hurting you, not protecting you...”

You both fell silent. One secretly praying to not have ruined it all with his own hands, the other reflecting on her feelings, trying to understand if forgiveness was an option.

“Could you ever forgive me?” he asked tentatively after several minutes, still holding you in his arms.

“No.”

He froze. He felt like he had been slapped again. But more forcefully, this time.

“I already did. The moment I let you in, I had already subconsciously forgiven you. I love you too much to live without you, I want to have you there with me. And you came back to me...” you sighed. “You know I can't stay mad at you for too long...” you softly smiled.

“Even after what I did?” he still didn't dare to look you in the eye.

“Even after what you did... I would like to believe that I'm doing it for the baby's sake, but the truth is that I'm doing it for myself. I'm terribly greedy when it comes to you.”

He dared to kiss you on the top of your head. You didn't resist.

It felt so good. It felt simply right.

You suddenly disentangled from his arms and got up from the armchair. You started to walk away.

Napoleon was startled. What was happening? Why did you start to move so suddenly? The kiss was too much?

“Come with me”. He heard your voice from the corridor and bolted in your direction.

He caught up with you in the guest room.

You turned to face him, standing close to a big box.

"Yesterday I saw this crib in a shop and even if it's a bit early, I had to buy it. But I'll need your help to put it together" you smiled weakly.

Napoleon looked at the big box. It was white, decorated with cute pastel green Teddy bears. He always had a penchant for beautiful (and expensive) things, he was an expert in art and antiquities anyway, and was used to treating himself with ridiculously expensive clothes, but had never paid attention to these kinds of things, thinking they would never interest him. However, right now that box looked to him as magnificent as a Raffaello painting.

He neared you gingerly, afraid of doing something wrong.

"Are you sure?”

“Yes. I want to put this crib together  with you. And all the rest of the things for the baby. And us. I want us to be together...” you trailed off.

“I miss you”.

“I miss you too.”

You looked down at your growing belly.

“Come here” you threw your arms around his neck. One of Napoleon's hands went instinctively to your belly. You looked carefully at his face. He looked like he was on the verge of tears, but was trying hard not to break apart in front of you.

“How are you?” he sounded suddenly concerned about your health. “How do you feel?”

You cupped his cheek.

“I'm good now” you smiled at him.

“I'm sorry. For everything” he uttered, deep affliction clearly ringing in his voice. "You'll be safe. Both of you. I promise…"

“I know” you answered softly. “Let's forget about the past weeks, shall we? Let's start anew from today.”

“I love you Y/N”.

“I love you Napoleon”.

Thanks to everyone who read my story and made it to the end! 😘

[gumnut-logic]

Repercussions (Bit 1)

This one is @the-lady-razorsharp​ ‘s fault because she pointed out this post. Of course, she is probably why it took a sharp turn at Thunderbird Five and landed in John’s lap while on it’s way to Scott. :P

We have Em Harris in this one. My OC from Gentle Rain. This occurs sometime after that fic, before Em becomes part of IR, and apparently appears to be documenting part of that joining IR bit ::eyes muse:: This was just supposed to be a scene.

But anyway, I hope you like it. About 1500 words or so with more to come. My writing has been slowed lately due to busy and more recently, not being well and it is very annoying. Holidays are coming at the end of the week, so yay!

-o-o-o-

She knew it had been a bad one. Even if she hadn’t had a direct line to Thunderbird Five, the news nets had grabbed the action and thrown it across every available device.

International Rescue had been called into an incident with a space freighter and a civilian residential Earth orbiter. Hundreds of people, most in the higher economic bracket, were endangered.

Thunderbird Three had been deployed.

And Thunderbird Five.

Em and Eos had an understanding and the AI kept her updated on the status of the rescue. Her concise reports slipped in between clients and the bustle of the day. Most were reassuring. Scott was up there with Alan. John was out with his exosuit. Numbers of persons saved, the stark numbers of injured and lost.

It was those numbers that had her itching at her desk. The questions of her patients regarding how much weight they should lose versus how much candy they were allowed was in stark contrast to what those poor people were going through.

She had to speak to Scott. He was against her letting her practise go and getting too tied up in IR, but how could she not? How could she stand by when she could help?

She knew he meant well. Protection of those he loved was as vital a part of him as any limb, but how could she sit here knowing the man she loved was putting his life and the lives of the rest of his family on the line for so much.

She had determined that she was going to broach the subject yet again when Eos’ interrupted her thoughts.

“John has been injured.”

“What?” The tablet in her hand slipped and clattered on the desk.

“The Commander has him.” But there was something in Eos’ voice that said far more.

Her own voice snapped back as she straightened up. Her current patient stared at her from the chair beside her desk.

She ignored him and, with a flick of her wrist controls, darted from the room. A hand signal to Elvis, her receptionist and he would know she was needed elsewhere and take care of her neglected patient.

Another reason to give up her practice. Poor customer service during rescues.

She slipped into an empty office and closed the door. “Eos, I need detail.”

“Please hold.”

She bit the inside of her cheek. Eos was an artificial intelligence, she was able to deploy her consciousness across multiple focusses. The fact that she wasn’t doing that currently was far from encouraging.

Em spent the time running John’s medical history through her head, identifying anything that could be of concern if she needed to treat the man.

Damnit, why wasn’t she up there?!

“Eos!”

“My apologies, Doctor Harris.”

And she was left hanging again.

This was so frustrating! She wasn’t known to be indecisive, but she hesitated to intrude further. It was an active rescue, after all.

But her heart worried for the tall and quiet man who always had a gentle smile, a calm word and never seemed to stop working.

She lasted two minutes before her hand twitched towards her comms again, but before she could call Thunderbird Five, a familiar rich baritone cut in. “Thunderbird Two to Doctor Harris. Em, I am en route to Tracy Island, do you need a pick up?”

Before she could answer the sky outside the room’s window began to vibrate with a roar.

“God, thank you, Virgil.” And she was moving, giving notes to the relevant people, grabbing her bag and heading to the roof of the hospital. This was it, she was quitting her job and reorganising her life so she could be where she needed to be!

Scott had to understand.

The downdraft of hovering Thunderbird messed with her hair as she opened the door to the roof. The massive green machine shifted and lowered over the edge of the building, her front hatch lining up with the parapet. A helmeted version of the second eldest Tracy reached out a hand to help her aboard and she was swallowed by the Thunderbird.

Then followed a dash to Tracy Island. Virgil’s tone was clipped and business like as he relayed the situation.

A spacesuit and a large, jagged chunk of metal with momentum was not a good combination.

Sitting in Thunderbird Two was a vastly different experience to sitting in her office. Here she had an ear to the communication between brothers. here she could hear the love of her life’s sharp commands, the desperation in his voice as medical procedures were enacted. Mrs Tracy’s calm instructions showed exactly how these men had survived for so long.

Her own medical mind was supplying what John would need and the effects beyond the damage to his leg. Abrupt re-entry into gravity would suck. Fortunately, John had his suit, but with an injury like this, at least his leg would not be receiving that support.

Worry swirled in her stomach.

But there was no time for worry.

As Two approached Tracy Island, she was joined by the roar of the massive red rocket as she returned to Earth bearing her injured passenger.

She had never seen Three in flight quite like this. Awe dented the worry just a little until she could no longer see the rocket as Virgil brought his ‘bird into land.

And then it was all just emergency.

She had worked with Mrs Tracy before. The older woman knew her medicine and as Em slipped into the well-stocked infirmary, the tension was as calm as it could be.

“Em, dear, thank you for coming. We will be needing your steady hands, I’m afraid.” There followed the medical jargon that basically listed the issues with John’s lower right leg including the need for a little suturing and debriding. There was a damaged vein and frostbite.

She barely noticed as the house shook with the launch of Thunderbird Three returning to the danger zone. Only acknowledging where Scott likely was as he sped away from her.

John was conscious and fielding a frantic Eos.

As Em prepped she listened to what was essentially a frightened child being reassured by a parent. John was calm and it was obviously keeping him distracted, so Em allowed the interaction, but kept an eye on the monitors.

“Eos, I am going to be okay.”

“John, you are bleeding. This is not recommended. This is far from optimal.”

“Access medical reference. It is a minor wound. Grandma, Doctor Harris and Virgil are here. They will fix it.”

“I have accessed medical reference and the complications are alarming. What if it gets infected? What if you can’t walk? What if you can’t return to Thunderbird Five?”

Mrs Tracy cut across the AI’s anxiety. “Eos, dear, John is hurt, but he will mend. He just needs a little time.”

“How do you know? How can you guarantee when the probabilities still allow for devastation?”

The pain in Eos’ obviously terrified voice cut into Em’s heart.

“Eos, the danger of infection is very small. John received good care and the wound was attended to immediately. I predict no lasting damage. He will be back with you in a few weeks.”

“Are you sure, Doctor Harris?”

“It’s Em, honey, and yes, John is going to be fine.” Virgil rolled over a surgical cart with all her tools and she prepped a local. “You can watch if you like and I will tell you exactly what I am doing.”

“Can I help? I have access to multiple texts and visual recordings of similar procedures. Where were you planning to start your incision?”

John interrupted. “Eos, Doctor Harris will perform the procedure. I trust her. Could you give me an update on Thunderbird Five’s systems? At level three?”

“Certainly, John.” And there followed an extremely detailed verbal run down on every system aboard the orbital Thunderbird from sensors through to toiletries supplies.

After biting back a smile, Em attended to the task at hand and it wasn’t long before the wound was cleared, clean and stitched. Virgil wrapped up his brother’s leg as Em shed her gloves and washed up. Mrs Tracy was murmuring words to an obviously exhausted John while Eos chanted out the solar power feed numbers from Five’s panels.

“Thank you, Em.” The voice on her comms was quiet and an odd echo of the voice still listing numbers from the ceiling. “Are you sure you removed all the damaged skin.”

Em bit back a smile. “I’m sure, Eos. John is going to be okay. We will be monitoring him, as I know you will be, too.” A pause. “You should probably let him sleep now. He needs his rest.”

Immediately the voice from the ceiling started to dip in volume. It wasn’t long before it faded completely.

John’s eyes were closed and he was breathing evenly.

Good.

Em slipped away.

TBC

[tired-college-student-writing]

Tim’s Secret Weapon Pt.7

I’ve been slightly obsessed with @ozmav​ ‘s Damian Wayne/Marinette Dupain-Cheng pairing as of late, and just saw a post that has inspired me more than anything else has in months, so I felt the need to write it

Summary- Tim has always seen the numbers floating above people’s heads, been able to perceive their threat levels with a single glance. After being a hero for so long he thought he was desensitized to seeing high numbers above people’s heads until Damian brings a new friend home.

Part 1 Part 6 Part 7 (HERE) Part 8

This is out earlier than expected because my procrastination sucks ass

____________________________________________

The battle was fascinating to watch, to say the least. The team worked together like a well-oiled machine, making their acrobatic plan flawlessly after Marinette called for her ‘Lucky Charm’ and used the white paint she received along with Ryoko’s water powers to break the connection The Queen of Hearts had with her guards. This gave Abeille the chance to sneak in dive in and freeze her with her venom sting as Chat grabbed her bracelet and turned it to dust.  Viperion seemed to not have an outright offensive move associated with him, but his time travel ability seemed infallible as he effortlessly redirected his teammates around attacks yet to come. 

The Bats were left watching with respect as Ladybug caught the dark purple butterfly in her yoyo. From the second she had left them on the roof to when she tossed the paint can in the air, allowing her magic to fix all the damage done by the fight, only fifteen minutes had passed. 

The five heroes grinned at each other, fist-bumping with a chorus of “Pound it!” before Chat and Abeille went up to the woman in her early 30s that had been the victim of the fight, and the other three turned to take off, Ladybug making a clear path back to the hotel, with the Bats on her heels. 

They passed through the window they had left not long before just in time for Ladybug to flash bright pink once more. Tim flinched slightly as her number reappeared and slowly fell back to her normal 15. Alfred looked up from the chair where he was reading. 

“Welcome back, Shall I call for refreshments?” He asked, placing the book down. 

“Yes please,” Dick answered, “I feel like we’re going to be here for a while. 

“Of course,” He hummed standing up to go to the phone, “Aw and Miss. Marinette, what food does your Kwami favor?” 

The young girl jumped, eyes wide, “What!” 

“Your Kwami, I saw the battle on the news, and assumed your Kwami will be famished after that much magic being used.”

“I don’t-” 

A small red fairy-like creature flew out from Marinette’s jacket. 

“It’s okay, Marinette,” The creature reassured before turning to the men in the room, “Hello I’m Tikki! I’m glad to finally meet all of you.” 

Alfred’s face became unbelievably soft as he held out his index finger to the small creature, “Hello Madam Tikki, it’s lovely to meet you as well. What can I get for you?”  

She giggled as she shook the offered finger, “No need to be so formal with me, Alfred, but I’m partial to cookies if you don’t mind.” 

“Not at all, Tikki,” He said before striding over to the room’s phone, raising an eye at the still costumed Bats, “I would suggest getting dressed in something more appropriate before room service arrives gentlemen.” 

“You dropped her title,” Jason countered instead of moving to change, “You never drop titles when asked!” 

Alfred let out an amused huff, “Arguing with Kwamis over respect is a futile endeavor. Now do not make me tell you again. This is a conversation best suited for the Waynes, not the Bats.”  

The Bats ducked into one of the adjoining bedrooms, as Marinette just blinked in surprise at the exchange. 

“You’ve had experience with the miraculous before?” She asked as he hung up the phone, Tikki settling in her hair. 

“I do,” He confirmed, “For several years I was a hero known as Emrys with the help of a very good friend named Duusu.” 

Tikki gasped, “You’re a peachick.” 

Alfred’s eyes misted slightly, “Yes, and I must admit I never thought I would be able to converse with another Kwami after losing the peacock brooch. I was devastated to hear that the butterfly had fallen into the wrong hands,” 

Marinette was biting her lip as the Bats reentered the room, now in their civilian clothing. 

Damian raised an eyebrow, “Is everything okay, Angel?” 

“I just…” She looked at all of them, “This is a lot, how did we get here?” 

The room glanced at Tim as he sighed and stepped forward and began his explanation once more. 

Marinette took the information on how his powers worked really well, humming at certain parts as she looked deep in thought. Tikki was looking at him strangely, by the time that he had finished. 

“You’ve been able to do this since you were born?” She questioned lightly, nibbling on one of the cookies that had arrived during his explanation. 

He gave a nod, “As far as I’m aware. Why?” 

The Kwami shook her head, “Just making sure.” 

“Well that’s cryptic,” Jason drawled from where he was laying on the floor. 

Marinette giggled, “Welcome to Kwamis, they give the most helpful cryptic insight you could ask for.” 

Tikki stuck her tongue out at her user before both broke down into giggles. 

Tim looked between them before finally asking, “Do you know the other Paris’ heroes secret identities?” 

Marinette cocked her head, sitting up slightly from where she was snuggled under Damian’s arm, “All but Chat Noir’s, as when I took over the Guardian position I was the one that had to pick those that would receive the Miraculous. I’m guessing your powers gave them away?” 

He gave a sheepish shrug, “It’s kinda hard to see a 12, 13, 14, or 15 over someone’s head and not put together their identities. Viperion is the only one I don’t know because I didn’t see him out of his mask.” 

Dick raised a brow from his upside-down seat on the couch, “Was that why you were so weird at the school?” 

“There were six people with 12s or higher,” He snapped, “And that creepy chick that called Damian ‘Dami-Bear’ was a 9.” 

Jason gave a low whistle, “Damn, that’s a lot.” 

Marinette looked surprised, “Six? But there’s only five miraculous out permanently on our side…” 

“Yeah about that,” Tim said, “I’ve seen other users online, have Max or Kim from your class ever held a miraculous?” 

“How did…”

“It’s rare to see people with the exact same shade of a color, even less so when they have the same number,” He explained, knowing his family was hanging onto his every word, “And yet Kim and Max both had a pure white 12, the exact same pure white 12 as Alfred. I think the miraculous might permanently affect the user’s danger level.” 

“You only asked about Kim and Max,” Marinette put in, “But Alya and Nino also held miraculous before, what were their numbers.” 

“Alya was the girl that started recording right? And who was Nino.” 

“Yeah, and Nino was the boy with the bright blue headphones around his neck, red cap, and glasses.” 

“She had an obnoxious orange 5, and He had a mossy green 4.”

“Why wouldn’t they have 12s then…” 

Tikki was the one to answer, “Alya and Nino weren’t true holders, but Max and Kim are both true holders so I imagine that would affect Tim’s powers.” 

All eyes fell on the small goddess. 

“True holder?” Marinette asked. 

She gave a small nod, “The Kwamis are much older than the human race and the miraculous, but when we began using humans to regulate our powers each Kwami blessed a handful of souls. As they go through the reincarnation cycle we can find our true users, who will always be more intuned with our powers than anyone else that could use our miraculous and our true users usually showcase abilities that go along with the concept the Kwami represents. After a true holder transforms for the first time Kwami’s can feel them, and recognize them as one of the blessed souls, though we don’t know what Kwami blessed their souls on that feeling alone.”

“So the 12s  saw were true users that don’t have their miraculous,” Tim summed up. 

“Most likely,” Tikki confirmed, “The others would be the ones that still hold their miraculous.” 

The conversation goes on for a while as Marinette asks questions of Tim and he asks them right back. The rest of the family remaining silent as they soak in the information, all making mental notes on where to go next. 

Bruce finally claps his hands startling the pair out of the intense debate they had gotten over whether his ability could be used to detect a potential Akuma victim before an Akuma got to them or not as the sunset. 

“As insightful this discussion is,” He comments, “I believe it is time that we contact the rest of the League and make a plan on how to out Hawkmoth.” 

“We should change and head for WE,” Damian suggested, “No one would be on the executive floor at this time so we can do a conference call without risk of being disturbed.” 

When Bruce gave a nod all the Bats rose and headed to the bedroom. 

“Before we call the league,” Marinette said quietly making them pause, “I need to do two things.” 

Bruce nodded, waiting for her to continue, her city, her rules.

“Firstly I want to call my team, they should be there when we contact the league,” She said, turning towards Tim, “I would also like to inform them that you know who most of them are, and how you figured it out since it’s their secrets.”

“I’m willing to share with them,” He told her, “It’s only fair that they know the facts before we form.” 

“Thank you,” She breathed. 

“Now what else did you want to do?” Jason asked.  

“Alfred,” She turned to the butler, “There’s something you should know about who we’re fighting.”  

“Nooroo and his user?” He questioned with a raised brow. 

She shook her head, “No, Hawkmoth may have been there from the start but a little less than a year into the fight another miraculous user joined him. Mayura and…  her Sentimonsters.” 

His strangled gasp sent a stab of pain through all the hearts in the room, “Not Duusu…” 

She gave a grim nod, “Mayura is the current holder of the peacock miraculous. Though at first, her appearances were few and far between due to the brooch being damaged, they learned how to repair the damage shortly after I became Guardian allowing for her to make more regular appearances.”  

None of the Wayne’s had ever seen Alfred look so pale, so worn out, so… old.

Bruce wrapped an arm around the butler’s waist pulling him towards the couch, making him sit gently. 

“It’s okay, Alfie,” Bruce breathed as the others remained silent. Alfred was shaking slightly, unable to find his voice as he slowly held out a hand. Bruce clasped it tightly, sitting with the man that raised him in reassuring silence.  

“Master Bruce,” Alfred’s voice was quiet as he continued to stare at their clasped hands, “I don’t normally ask anything of you except for you and the young masters to stay safe, but if I might make a request?” 

“Anything, Alfred,” The man answered without a second of hesitation. 

“Find Hawkmoth and Mayura and free Nooroo and Duusu as quickly as possible. Rescue them, please, no matter what it takes.”  

“I promise,” 

Alfred finally raised his eyes, a hard steely gaze flashing over his ward’s face, “Go.” 

Bruce was on his feet and in the bedroom ready to change within a second, his sons not far behind him. 

“I’m sorry Alfred,” Mari breathed only to be rewarded a shaky smile. 

“It’s not your fault, Marinette,” He reassured, professional mask struggling to raise, “I believe it is time to call your team.” 

“Tikki, spots on.” 

____________________________________________

Thirty minutes later Ladybug found herself staring at her whole team in the art room of her school with the blackout curtains pulled tight over the windows, able to feel their buzzing energy overflowing the room.  

Abeille was looking at her imploringly, knowing slightly what the meeting was about, but the fact that Ladybug had contacted not just the regular team, but the reserve members, Pegasus, King Monkey, and Bunnyx, as well had them all on edge. 

“Is everything okay, bugaboo?” Chat finally broke through the nerves to ask. 

She nodded slightly, taking a deep breath, “Earlier today before the Akuma, Abeille came across two foreign heroes.” 

The rooftop stilled, eyes wide. 

“Who was here,” Vipieion asked first. 

Ladybug gave them all reassuring smiles, “Nightwing and Red Robin, and after making contact with Abeille, I met with the Batman, Nightwing, Red Hood, Red Robin, and Robin. They wanted to offer their help.” 

“They finally answered!” Chat cheered causing the gathered heroes to break out in celebration, even Ladybug couldn’t stop a grin from spreading her lips.

Finally indeed. Three days after Stoneheart the original duo had tried to contact the Justice League, and then again a month later, and again, and again...

A year and a half into the fight against Hawkmoth they finally got a response, telling them the contact was for real emergencies, not for pranks. The response wasn’t even signed past the official Justice League seal. 

For League associated heroes to be here in Paris, and willing to talk, it filled them all with the hope that the fight wasn’t going to last forever. 

Ladybug let them enjoy the feeling for a few minutes before she called them back to order. The bright smiles pointed at her made the nervous twist in her stomach lessen slightly even as she readied herself for the next announcement. 

“Before we met up with the League and determining a game plan, I think it is only fair to have us all on the same page,” She told them, “After speaking with the Gotham heroes they informed me that they figured out not only my civilian identity but, Chat Noir, Ryuko and Abielle’s as well.” 

“What!” Bunnyx roared, “How dare they! The sneak sons of-” 

“Stop!” Ladybug cut her off with a glare, “They did not go digging into our backgrounds to figure it out, and while they will explain in more depth when we go meet them, I can tell you that they discovered our identities because Red Robin is a Metahuman with an ability he can’t physically turn off, it was the same way he figured out who Batman and other heroes were long before he was Robin, and he’s never given away an identity without express permission.” 

The room quieted down but still looked uneasy, She just sighed. 

“That brings me to the next point. With the League finally answering us, I think we need to not waste the opportunity. If we’re going to finish this, we need to use every advantage we have against Hawkmoth and Mayura, which means we need to be able to work at all hours of the day.” 

The room was silent as all the heroes tried to decide where she was going with this, but she just stared at her partner. 

Chat maintained her eye contact, and she could see the exact second he put together what she was saying. 

“Ladybug,” He spoke slowly, “Are you serious?” 

She gave a nod, “I’ve spoken with my Kwami and I’ve decided that if all of you are comfortable with it, I think we should tell each other our identities.” 

____________________________________________

Taglist: @vixen-uchiha @iggy-of-fans @mewwitch @roseinbloom02 @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry @mochinek0 @royalchaoticfangirl @09shell-sea09 @mystery-5-5 @derpingrainbow @aloha-posts-stuff @hauntedfreakdeputyhero @maribat-archive @blue-peach14 @kae690 @zazzlejazzle @vincentvangoose @be-happy-every-day-please @xxmadamjinxx @celestiacq @peculiarlylostdreamer @dani-ari @melicmusicmagic @themcclan @nyctamaximoff @nataladriana9 @drama-queen-supreme @miraculousbelladonna @urbanpineapplefarmer @graduatedmelon @lexysama @hecate-hallow @ki117h3dr4g0n @vinerlover @interobanginyourmom @bluefiredemon @imanerddealwith @tinybrie @clumsy-owl-4178 @shizukiryuu @whogavemeaninternet @schrodingers25 @lunar-wolf-warrior @urbanpineapplefarmer @xxmadamjinxx @crazylittlemunchkin @littleredrobinhoodlum​ @rougemme​ @dur55​ @phantommeow12 @kand-roo​ @silvergold-swirl​ @officiallyathiana​ @completelypeccable​ @redhoodsdoll​ @nataladriana9​ @mariae2900​ @northernbluetongue​ @sturchling​ @thesunanditsangel​ @reyna-avila-ramirez-alreanaldo​ @bobothyross @taoiichii​ @magnitude101999​ @magicalfirebird​ @nataladriana9​ @panda3506​ @aquariusrunes​ @woodland-queer @sayarock121​ @mindfulmagics​ @magic-miraculous​ @my-name-is-michell @naoryllis @slytherinqueen2432

[thetiredstuff]

Watching the panel through live blogs, let me see if I've got the gist of it.. so Misha loved his characters goodbye scene, but also knew that he was supposed to come back in some capacity but can't directly tell us more, just that it wasn't a bury your gays situation.

He loved the emotional climax of Dean's death and how Jared and Jensen acted it out.

He said he didn't know how the episode ended but now is worried the fans will disappear?

But he can't talk about it.

So help me out here, did he ever actually comment directly on the ending? Did he give his opinion on it? Or just comment around it.

(feel free not to post this, I'm just sad and frustrated all over again) 😔

Hi! Okay so I’m gonna be honest: I’ve spent the last 5 days (since the finale) on every social media platform (basically reading through the tears of sadness lol) and I’ve seen the panels and everything and I remember almost nothing of anything hahaha so I’ll try answering this to the best of my abilities. 

Misha loves the fact that he was able to get Cas saying “I love you” in a romantic way. For him, finally being able to actually confirm a gay Cas means a lot to him because he knows how much it means to fans. 

It’s speculation if Misha was supposed to be back as Cas in the finale but story-wise it’s pretty clear he was supposed to be in it. However, he can’t confirm that because he signed NDAs (just like every actor does) that will still be valid for an unspecified time period. 

My speculation: I doubt it was supposed to be a bury your gays' trope because Misha said that they went to Jensen about Cas’ confession and if Jensen didn’t like it, they wouldn't have gone through with it. To me, the only reason why they’d have to ask Jensen about going through with it would be if his character would say something back. I just doubt that they intended to go bury your gays because it is extremely well-known as awful and lazy writing and I doubt bobo would go for it if they couldn’t subvert it and bring Cas back in a way. But alas fucking CW. 

He cried watching Dean die because he saw Cas’ friend die. He praised Jared and Jensen’s acting but nothing about the storyline of that episode, outside of that scene, was mentioned. 

Misha said he hadn’t read the script of the finale and ep 19 (which I’m not too sure about because we know he was in Vancouver probably for the finale so he had to have read at least part of the script for his scenes)

A lot of meta writers/fans have speculated (and I agree) that the actors probably didn’t know that certain scenes would be cut. I mean we know Misha was in Vancouver during covid filming even though the CW tried to scrub all the evidence. Misha has always been afraid of fans disappearing, he’s been pretty vocal about that since the ending of the show was announced. But now he’s seen how hurt fans are. And they have all seen it. It’s too big of a portion not to see it. 

And (I’m speculating) I’m pretty sure they’re devastated as well. The devastation and sadness that’s been going around are so hurtful and bone-deep that it is the kind of hurt that would make fans disappear from the fandom. Misha knows that and so he was always afraid of the fans disappearing. This shitty finale that made absolutely no sense and that left so many people heartbreaking and angry probably makes/made him even more worried about fans disappearing. 

But yeah he can’t talk about the OG ending, he can’t talk about having filmed in Vancouver, he can’t talk about Destiel because they went ahead and basically shot that dead (again fuck the CW), he’s even being vague about who came up with the idea for the bloody handprint, he can’t mention the fundraiser The Castiel Project for the Trevor Project that’s been started by fans to donate money to and that almost raised 50.000 dollars. 

He can’t talk about any of it because all of that would imply that the ending was shit or was cut severely, or they stomped out the queerness etc. As long as he has an NDA he won’t say anything cuz he can’t and even afterwards.

(again this is me speculating) Misha has always been treated poorly by some factions of SPN/the network. For a guy who saved their rating in season 7 and who managed to get the show to 15 seasons (together with J2), he’s always been shunned aside by some. He is a pretty selfless and grateful guy so I doubt he’d go right out and say something. Maybe but I think he’s also aware of how much it would hurt the fans to know what they did to his character and destiel (we kinda know through speculation but we don’t KNOW)

Jensen is probably the one who’d open his mouth more, surprisingly. He’s extremely diplomatic in how he carries himself in this industry which is gonna get him far but his lack of posts since the finale speaks volumes. It’s a silent protest. He’s also got the NDAs. 

but (I’m speculating again) Dean is something Jensen takes extremely serious. I’m pretty sure he saw bi!dean (with ep 18) and understood that it made sense for dean as a character (which is why i think Misha said that comment about Jensen not liking it would mean it wouldn’t happen). 

Jensen already had trouble with the ending all the way in the beginning (probably dean dying). He then likely supported Destiel or at least the implication of it (ep 18). Only to then find out that all queerness was erased (which I’m guessing he saw that queernes as serving the story), Misha who played Cas a fan favorite was also erased, and Dean died (he cares a tremendous amount about dean and doing right by him). And all of that has been getting some severe reactions of people being extremely hurt. 

(Again I’m speculating) but J2 have been praised by Pedowitz for ages, and I think that all of that really soured Jensen’s view of people involved with the network that previously had his back. Jensen has been the most vocal already with his dissatisfaction with the finale/the way things were handled. Just look at his social media likes and the absence of both Jensen and Misha in the Thank You videos. 

He’s being vocal by being silent. 

Both Jensen and Misha and their characters fell victim to the CW trying their damnest to stomp out the queer. And wow did they do a brilliantly awful job at it. 

Jared you’re not gonna get anything for years because he has Walker which is on the CW so he has to keep those people happy. 

I just wrote a mini-essay again lol hahaha 

I’m sorry you’re sad and frustrated. I feel it too. Today was the first day I didn’t wake up and start crying immediately, so it does get better it’s just gonna sting for a really long time. Just know you’re not alone in your feelings. 

This ending sucked and it sucked because it didn’t make any sense. It came completely out of the left field and it was a complete injustice to the characters, the actors, and the fans. We all deserved better. 

Also: I’m not in the know so this is mostly me speculating. I hope I made that clear with all the brackets. 

[stopfakerapeclaims-blog]

THIS GUY IS FALSELY ACCUSED, STOP SLANDERING HIM. HOW COULD YOU TERRIBLE PEOPLE ATTACK A VICTIM OF A FALSE ACCUSATIONLIKE YOU DID. I HAVE VIDEO PROOF OF MY INNOCENCE. I NEVER wanted to post something like this, but the threats made on my life have given me no other choice.But being a victim of false accusations is extremely damaging AND dangerous. But unfortunately there aren't going to be 200+ shares of my side of the story, because the truth is not as sensational as a dramatic lie.As I said before, I did not want to do this, it feels violating and wrong, but I am absolutely sickened by the false rape claims and rumors going around about me from "Aria" (on facebook) ie "Stephanie" (as I knew her). We went to Japan together in 2016, where she came on to me and seduced ME the second night we were there. We had a consensual relationship over the entire course of this trip. I took a consensual video during our first encounter, and it VERY clearly shows that it was NOTHING like what she is claiming now, years later. She stated “He decided to take what he wanted by force,” which is so entirely the opposite of what actually happened - in this video she can be heard saying “yes”, “please more”, and “yeah”. Its the definition of not only consent, but enthusiastic consent, which is a very important distinction.WHY did I record this? Because her and I were friends and I thought it would be something we would have fun watching together later. I asked before I recorded us together. I don't EVER record something private without the other person knowing. It would be deceitful and ruin the moment entirely to do so.My lawyers advised me that it would be dangerous to release the video on the internet - she could claim it was revenge porn or harassment, even if it was ONLY done with the intention of defending myself, and that’s why you can just listen to the audio here:https://streamable.com/zxkqi So the question is, WHY is she saying I raped her? I can’t BEGIN to guess what’s going on in someone else’s head, or why they’d lie about something so devastating and traumatic, but Wikipedia lists ELEVEN possible reasons for false accusations of rape (I will list them below). All I can do is share the facts from that trip as I know themYou see, that entire trip me and Stephanie started arguing about the last person on the trip, we'll call him "J" to respect his privacy, who complained the entire trip. Stephanie and I disagreed on how to handle it, my approach trying to be to ignore the behavior and hope he learned to deal with his problems maturely, and Stephanie was taking his side by trying to coddle him and condone his actions. A lot of the problems were him refusing to leave the room to trips and food with all of us possibly because he misunderstood and thought he had to pay for everything when I was in fact paying for it, or perhaps he didn't like the idea of me paying for everything (despite it being a company trip so he was fully covered by the organization) I can’t know which it was for sure.I tried many times over the trip to calm J down and explain that he didn't need to worry so much, but the stress of being in Japan was too much for him. Traveling and being in a foregin country can be really stressful for some people! The last and most extreme moment was when we stepped off the bus in front of the Takadanobaba station and he started violently hitting himself in the forehead with his hand on a public street. I don't know why, I think maybe he forgot something. It was a level of behaviour that was beyond what I had ever dealt with personally and none of us were equipped to help him. When he was stressed sometimes he would make a strange whining noise and bite down on his arm hard in front of people, and that was alarming enough, but this was the final straw in him working for us as a company, and there I made the decision that he wouldn't be working with the conventions going forward. We take on almost anyone as a volunteer, because I believe everyone deserves at least a first chance despite any disorders or problems them may have socially, but sadly it doesn’t always work out in the end, like with J. Stephanie and I fought a lot all trip long about “J” to no resolve. Stephanie is still friends with this person, they’re friends on Facebook and they were one of the first to share Stephanie’s post. Maybe this is some kind of “revenge” for not being nice enough to her friend. But again, how can I really know what someone else is thinking? I can only make educated guesses.I do know that Stephanie has bipolar disorder, and I tried helping her through her issues when we were friends. I learned she had been sexually assaulted before, and I had always felt really bad for her, as anyone would. We spent hours and hours talking in Japan, hanging out, watching movies, cuddling, and yes, sex too. What motivates her actions now, I have no idea, but there are eleven possible reasons listed on wikipedia: confusion, revenge, material gain, producing an alibi, memory conformity, recovered memory therapy, attention, sympathy, a disturbed mental state, relabeling, and regret.With Stephanie there were no drugs, no excessive drinking, no coercion of any kind. I did not threaten to send her home. I did not try or even consider withholding any events or activities from her. SHE wanted to spend time with ME and hang out with me. I flirted with her online, we sent dozens of memes back and forth too, and then in person SHE always initiated everything. Putting her hand on my leg, scooting closer to me, making sexual innuendos, overall being quite clear about her intentionsHOW can you get in a fight with someone and then automatically claim that all past consensual sex you had was rape? Changing your mind months later does not make something rape. In the past I haven't ever been able to defend myself with hard proof because I didn't know where the rumors were coming from. I've gotten threats to my own safety because of these claims. I had people say they will boycott my cons because of these claims. I’ve had people mercilessly harass my friends and family because of these claims. But her own words are PROVABLY false.As anyone would, I kept a screenshot of exactly what she said at first. “After I made it clear that I wasn't interested, he decided to take what he wanted by force. This was on one of the first days of a month long trip.”That’s what she said, and it’s plain as day not true. I know that now somehow the story will magically change - it’s called “moving the goalpost”, where now instead of “force” she will claim something like coercion, or change her story entirely. When people are caught in a lie they often change their story, suddenly remember things differently, and make up new lies to cover their original lies that were seen through. I know some people won’t believe me no matter what proof I have because they’ve made up their minds about me and the situation. Maybe they have a personal issue with me and this fits their narrative that I’m a bad personFalse rape accusations are tragically real and more common than one would think. Some people say the number is "barely 2%" - but multiple studies conducted in a wide variety of manners have concluded numbers from 2% as high as 25%. Read wikipedia, there are numerous academically-backed studies on there. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_accusation_of_rapeI'm so sorry to any of my friends who have had to deal with drama because of this person. I know friends who know me incredibly well have had to defend my name because they heard about rumors or are friends with someone who believes this.Now, do not bully, slander, or harass this person under any circumstances. I don't want you to harass them, I don’t want to make them ‘pay’, or make them suffer like I have, I only want to be left alone myself to live my life. DO share this message as far and wide as you can. I am so hurt by these absolutely malicious attacks that I don't deserve. I strive to run the safest and most welcoming conventions in the world, with people by my side who feel even stronger than I do about it! Thank you for reading all of this and supporting me through this awful time.

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Reflecting (Keep Moving Forward followup)

So, uh....first off.....if you’re reading this, I hope you have a Merry Christmas (if you celebrate it)!

It’s been over a month since I made that vow to keep moving forward.....but it’s been so hard.....It’s getting easier recently, though, as I’ve been able to think clearer.....bit by bit.....

Below is gonna be me venting about stuff that happened, and about myself and the lessons I’ve learned, so if that doesn’t interest you, don’t bother reading. I just.....wanted to....spill things out somewhere, where I’m not forcing people to listen to me.....And hopefully, this’ll be the last post I’ll have about this subject, or at least, one this long....

When it happened.....I was so taken off-guard....I was devastated and worried....and in my fear, I focused on the wrong things.....

I was SO caught up on the fact that....my friends....who I care so much about.....who I liked talking to, and sharing things with, and had such fun with .....were accusing me of hurting them, which was like, one of my worst fears....I was so blindsided by how quickly things went south......from being told that I’m loved, valid, and that I’m not annoying, and I’m fun to be around....s-stuff I wanted to believe.....to suddenly being told that I WAS annoying and obnoxious the entire time, and that I was actually an awful, selfish guilt-tripper who only wanted attention.....And.....that’s.....that’s not me.....

They brought up past events that.....I’d already either apologized for, swore to never do again, or was already made aware of and was trying to dial back on.....A-and that made it worse.....It felt like none of that mattered.....that I was so terrible that I could never truly change for the better, even as I tried to....And the part that hurt the most about the whole thing was not being believed. I didn’t expect them to forgive me, especially not right away.....I just wanted them to believe me....But no one believed me when I apologized again. No one believed me when I told them I didn’t mean any harm to any of them, and said that I’m completely aware of my mistakes, trying to be better, and would try not to repeat any of the crap I did before. Nothing I said was hitting at all, it was like I was just white noise to them.....

And after it was over, I thought about it more, let it sit with me......as I sobbed my face off, of and on, for days.....I hated knowing I hurt my friends, I hated it, hated it.....Thinking about what they were going through around me....Were they really that hurt? Was I really as awful as they said? Am I really incapable of changing and being better? What should I do to make everyone happy? Is it best for them if I wasn’t there anymore? Is it best for everyone? Do I deserve this pain, for everyone’s sake? Is everyone better off if I.....went away.....forever......?

But thankfully.....the tears slowly dried.....Thanks to the friends I still have, I got back on my feet, though it took a bit......And I’ve obviously looked back on everything a LOT.....And as the pain dulled, I started to think clearer....And identify the root causes of my mistakes.

Yes....I did mess up. I’m not the victim here. Just because it hurt, doesn’t mean I didn’t deserve to be called out.  Everything I said before this was how I felt in the moment, but this is how I feel about it presently:

It’s true that I never wanted to hurt anyone. EVER. I’m one of the least threatening people on the planet. I’m a socially-awkward, anxious mess of a person who struggles with the simplest of things. I’m timid, shy, but once I get comfy, I’ll ramble on, and fangirl....and I get flustered very easily. When I get flustered, I say stupid things. I do stupid things. And.....I'm constantly worrying about being annoying. I never had any hidden agendas to “make everything revolve around me” or anything like that. In fact.....I HATE the feeling of controlling other people (It was actually a running thing that I was the most submissive person in the server). I prefer being a follower to a leader, scared of disappointing people I care for. And I NEVER wanted any more attention than anyone else. I know I’m not important. I was just another fangirl in a server full of them. A server that belonged to everyone equally......Everyone got to be happy, and that’s part of what made it so great.....Every time one of my friends got attention, I’d watch, sure, but I’d never intentionally take away from them. No matter how much I reacted, no matter how flustered I’d get, no matter how many stupid noises I made...If I knew that I was stealing attention, I would’ve tried to step back, but still getting anxious over letting people I care about down.....in case they really DID want to indulge me....

I absolutely hate forcing people to do things they don’t wanna do. Whenever someone does something for me, I want it to be because they WANT to. I’d ask things like “Are you sure?” out of anxiety. This is especially true of RPing. My anxiety over RPing is so bad that I’ll never initiate one. I always want people who RP with me to actively have fun doing it, not because I’m forcing it. I always worry about the people I do it with, and if they’re having fun, or if I’m being a waste of time....And if, at any point, I had picked up on the fact that I was forcing anything, I would’ve backed off right away and apologized.

So, me being called.....m-manipulative....? That hurt....because that’s not me.....and that’s why I.....got so defensive.....

But.....like I said at the start.....I was focusing on the wrong things.

Sure, that one part was a misunderstanding. But who flipping cares? I still messed up. I messed up BADLY. It doesn’t matter if it was intentional or not. I still hurt people I care about, and I still deserved to be called out for it. While it’s true that nothing I did was intentional, they still brought up good points about me that I needed to hear, even if it hurt. After letting everything sit with me for a month, I’m finally able to address it, and put it in text so that I’ll never forget it. I guess.....this is my own callout post to myself.

So....the biggest cause of all of this.....is self-hatred.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I.....don’t really have a high opinion of myself, and I consider everyone who I get attached to to be more deserving of nice things than me. The biggest example is when it comes to Spinel....I’d always be so so self-conscious when thinking about how she’d view me compared to my friends, who are more entertaining, and more deserving of her attention....at least, in my eyes. I wasn’t jealous of the attention they’d get, though (I’d cheer them on), I just looked up to them. At first, this wasn’t a huge problem as a lot of my friends had the same issues. But.....it got worse. Over time, my mind attacked me more and more.....I blamed myself for nearly every uncomfortable or bad situation that would happen.....and started to fear being left out and being alone. This led to situations of me basically going into tangents over how much I hate myself over things that had nothing to do with me. I’d blame myself, over and over again.....

Every single time I would beat myself up over being boring/useless/annoying/etc, my friends were always there, comforting me and making me feel better. But here’s the thing: I started doing this IN THE WRONG PLACES, at THE WRONG TIMES. Like, I would offhandedly mention how I wish I was more like someone else and have to be assured I was fine, during someone else’s moments, because I was an idiot and it didn’t hit me that people would actually stop what they’re doing to talk to me. I can even remember a few times when a friend was having a really bad day, and I would have a mental breakdown over worrying about them, needing to be calmed down. THAT could’ve been kept to myself. Like I said before, I never EVER intended to get special treatment compared to anyone else. But, the way I’d constantly moan about how “It’s all my fault”, “I’m so sorry I’m so annoying”, and especially the constant self-consciousness over Spinel.....All of that.....how every single time, it ended with people comforting me in some way......it was EASY for them to interpret all of that as guilt-trippy. I wasn’t aware of it then, but I can see why people would think that now. I kept doing it, cuz I was so comfortable venting to them that.....I got into a habit of it. In my head, it was just a thing that we all did, not just me. But I had no idea of what I was doing, and how often, until I had to have it spelled out to me......and that’s just....yikes. Luckily, I’ve learned now that there’s a time and a place to vent, and I’ve made a real effort to dial back on my self-deprecating comments, after being called out....but it didn’t matter anymore. It was one case of “I learned my lesson, but I did it so often in the past that no one believes me when I say that.” And I have no one to blame there but myself.....

But I will still take that message to heart, and will try to pass it to others. There’s a time and place to vent your insecurities. Do it in a dedicated space if you can. Don’t do it in a way that brings down the mood, or in any way that could be an interruption.

But that wasn’t the only mistake I made. Oh no no no. It gets even worse. My self-loathing issues have done worse than annoy people and get misinterpreted. I’ve said things that I extremely regret saying.

So.....in.....either late August or early September....around that time, things got a lot more stressful and sad in the server. There was a period where it seemed like every other day, a friend would have some kind of breakdown and leave the server. When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious, and....yyyyyyeah, my mind became even meaner to me. Th-the point is, people I cared about were having a hard time, and....I spent a lot of time worrying and stressing over them. I felt helpless.....I wished I could help them and make them feel better, the way they helped me....and, I started overthinking a lot of things, wondering if I was a bad friend.

I was so sick of myself for always saying “I suck at cheering people up besides being a distraction” and using that as an excuse to not do anything....It felt like I was doing the same thing over and over again: worrying about people while being too shy to reach out, and worrying that not reaching out made it seem like I didn’t really care.....

There’s one friend of mine.....who is really good at cheering me up when I’m depressed. He’s done it multiple times. I never ask to be cheered up, but.....he seems to always know what to say. And.....I look up to him. I wanna be a person like that.....a good friend who knows what to say......and......

And so I tried. After a certain point, I decided to stop whining and try reaching out to my friends more. I DMed more often, wrote them things, tried showing them I care. And at first, I thought I was doing the right thing, even if it was outside my comfort zone. It was worth it if I made someone feel just a little bit better while in a bad place.

But....I wasn’t good at it. At all. I was way too anxious to act calmly in those situations, and as a result, most of them.....didn’t go so well. As in, I never, I dunno, thought things through before saying them. Which, when talking to someone emotionally vulnerable, you should ALWAYS DO. I should know! I AM one of those people!

A lot of the time, I.....I struggle to convey my emotions properly. When I’m emotional, I say stupid things without thinking. Sometimes, it’s something that sounded fine in my head, but once I say it or type it out, I realize how wrong it really sounded. One thing about me is that I’ll never take the cheap excuse of “It was the autism’s fault” or “It was the anxiety’s fault”, because....stuff like that sounds so wrong to me. Those things are a part of myself, so blaming them is really just another way of saying that I was wrong. But yes, it’s true that a lot of autistic people suffer from the same social issues that I do. Coming off as insensitive by talking without thinking. This also goes back to what I mentioned earlier about how I act like an idiot when I’m flustered. I get emotional, I stop thinking. That’s all there is to it. And I wish I could just......stop.

While trying to talk to a friend who was going through a hard time, there were occasions where, either out of stress or evil brain jumping to conclusions, I would bring my self-loathing issues into the situation. AGAIN, with the self-loathing in the wrong place at the wrong time! When someone I care about isn’t feeling well, my worry over them makes me overly-anxious. ....I’d try to say “I hope you’re doing OK! We miss you!” and after a bit, it was devolve into “Please please come back, I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, I’m such an awful friend, boohoo”, and......yikes? After this distance, I realize just how badly-worded a lot of the stuff I said was.

Sometimes, I would catch on to what I said really quickly, instantly feel guilty, and delete the message, hoping no one saw it (guess what: that doesn’t change anything if they still saw it), but other times, I was so dang OBLIVIOUS to just how obnoxious I was acting, and needed it spelled out to me.

The ultimate irony is that, in trying to be there for my friends, I was such an emotional wreck that....I ended up coming across as selfish instead. The exact opposite of my intention.

I wanted to be like my friend, and failed. All cuz I let my own feelings get in the way.

Whenever I’d be called out on something, I’d apologize. And afterward, I’d do my very best to never repeat my mistakes. After being called out for sticking my nose in where I wasn’t wanted, I stopped initiating DMs with anyone who didn’t wanna talk, and made extra careful to double-check things I said. I was extra cautious about everything, scared of messing up again.

And....it seemed like my apologies were accepted, and things were fine again. But.....there came a point where it’d just been.....enough.

The damage was done. The conclusions about me were made. And my reaction - getting defensive over a misunderstanding instead of actually focusing on the fact that good points were made about me - didn’t help matters.

I poured my heart and soul apologizing to them, swearing over and over again that I learned my lesson. And.....almost no one believed me. Because I messed up THAT badly. Everything that came out of my mouth was taken as a sob story. And the feeling of not being believed and trusted anymore hurt so badly that I......shattered. I broke down.....

But now, thinking clearly, I see the full picture better. I see the truth behind the misunderstanding, and boil everything down to the core issues that I can focus on improving.

Sure, I’m not manipulative, and I’ll take those words to my grave. But I was still oblivious, annoying, invasive, and my self-loathing was a MAJOR problem that I let leak into too many conversations. It got to the point where it came off as guilt-trippy and attention-seeking. I can’t deny that anymore. That’s how people saw it. Sure, it was never intentional, but no more sugar-coating.

My biggest problems were: 1. The self-loathing problems, and 2. The obliviousness of what I was doing and how it made people feel. Those are the core issues. Everything else can be traced back here.

And.....that’s everything. All my self-reflecting, summed up here. A reminder of my mistakes.

I’m so sorry.....for everything I did. I’m working on it.....I promise. Thank you for letting me know.

This is the kind of apology I should’ve given them.....Properly self-aware, not that overdramatic mush....

.....I was never mad at them for saying those things. Even when the wounds were fresh, I was never mad at them, only myself and the situation.....I didn’t wanna hate them, I wanted to make things right.....And.....M-maybe it’s me being weak, but.....I still think the world of them now. I still think of them as my friends.....Especially now, when I can look back and try to understand why they did it. They were hurt, and they were only doing what was best for them......And I hope they’re all happy now that it’s taken care of. Cuz....they deserve to be happy.

I know that all I can really do is talk about how I feel, and give my side of the story, but I’ve still thought a lot about what they must have felt.....How hurt they were, what they thought, and if it was hard to do.....I can never truly know without communicating. And, for the sake of their privacy, and not bringing up specific details, I won’t put words in anyone’s mouth. This is mainly about my feelings, because that’s all I can share. But yes, this isn’t the whole story.

Sure, it still sucks, knowing that without some kind of magic lie detector, I can never truly prove that I never wanted to use or hurt anyone, and that I really did care about them so much.....but I have to live with it. This is the price I have to pay.

And through the experience, I learned important lessons that I’ll keep close to my heart.

Back when the wounds were fresh, I was blaming every little thing about me, trying to find justification that I was unlovable trash and didn’t deserve happiness. I blamed things that weren’t at fault at all, or that I have no control over, like preferences and squicks.....anything that could’ve been annoying people all along......But, I think I finally got it straightened out now.

My feelings for Spinel aren’t at fault here. (After all, I wasn’t the only one who had them) While my ramblings about not feeling worthy of her attention, and the stupid things I’d say when flustered over her, caused some issues, those things stem from personal faults of mine that have always been there. My self-loathing would still be just as bad if she wasn’t there. I’d just be directing it at something or someone else. So, no, I’m not forcing myself to get over her. I don’t blame her. Thinking about her brings me comfort still, after all this time....and I don’t wanna let that go. I can improve as a person, and still.....l-love her.....

No, I learned what I REALLY have to change, and have already made the steps to do so. I’ve made new rules for myself. I’ve started internalizing my self hatred and anxiety more instead of oversharing it. I only vent my issues in private places, or on here, where I’m not forcing people to read my crap. I’m DONE with forcing anyone to listen over and over again about how I hate myself, and.....how I’m now in this endless cycle of hating myself FOR hating myself.....it’s a lose-lose situation either way. Point is, no more of those self-loathing tangents unless it’s called for.

And other things, too......I’ve been extra careful about RPing, I’ve been extra careful about joining conversations, and.....about everything, really. Especially DMing. Now more than ever, I’m scared of forcing people to pay attention to me....I’m worried about coming off the wrong way. When someone pays attention to me, I don’t want it to be forced. I wanna believe I deserve it. If I ever deserve anything.....(And finally, one last minor change: I’ll no longer voice chat unless I’m muted. My voice is seriously obnoxious, especially when flustered, to the point where I’ll unintentionally insert myself into conversations just by making stupid noises in the background. I’m too loud. SCREW my voice. I hate my voice. No more.)

And, as the past month or so has gone on, and I’ve slowly recovered, and gotten past this period of self-reflection.....I’ve started talking to people again, slowly regaining the confidence to do so.....while keeping my new rules in mind. And, I’m happy to say that I haven’t messed up.....yet. Don’t wanna jinx it. But yeah.....maybe I really have improved.....

And.....for the past couple weeks.....I’ve been......happy? Well, the happiest I’ve been since that day. I’m no longer miserable, and I’m in good spirits. That’s good, cuz it means that I’m not bothering people!

So....I’m optimistic. Maybe that’s a bad thing.....but at the moment, it doesn’t feel that way.

In the near future, I.....I do wanna reach out to the friends I hurt. I wanna try apologizing one last time. Maybe that’s me not wanting to let go, but.....I really care for them, and we had so much fun together......It felt like we made each other happy, before everything got bad.....I don’t wanna feel like everything we ever did was because I was awful.....the whole time.....I don’t want the memories to be tainted.....

But.....I’m scared to go back right now......I’m scared of messing it up by getting emotional again. If they don’t forgive me, that’s fine. That’s their choice to make. But I at least want them to believe me.....and if that doesn’t happen, then it’s my fault again.

So....yeah.....I do wanna go back and give it one last try.....but later, when I’m SURE I’m ready. For now, as long as I feel like there’s a part of me that’s gonna get all dramatic and moody, I’m not ready. Cuz I wanna push that part of me away. No more pity parties. No more....no more talking over them. I’ll let them beat into me if it’ll make them feel better......and I’ll be happy to be forgiven, if that’ll make them feel better.

Either way, I don’t want it to end like this....but......is it selfish to want closure? Cuz, even if I don’t get forgiveness.....at least give me that. At least let me end this on a respectful note. Cuz....I don’t wanna be a coward. I don’t wanna just.....move on without taking the steps to fix the situation, especially with the people that were there for me so often......

Geez, this got long......sorry if you read all of this. I just.....wanted to put this all somewhere......TLDR: I’m so incredibly sorry for everything I’ve ever done, and I’m taking the steps I can to improve myself and become a better person. It’s not easy, and I’ll never forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.....but I’ll try to get there somehow.

Keep moving forward......

[p-artsypants]

Longest Night (20) Hosting

And Marinette had thought Highschool had been hard. Right now, in this moment, she'd give anything to go back to those petty arguments and gossip fueled drama. But she couldn't. Instead, she and Adrien were trapped here, being punished, humiliated, tortured, for being heroes, all broadcasted for the world to see. At least she and her kitty were in this together. For now. Whump!Fic

Ao3 | FF.net

As of Miracle Queen, this story no longer follows canon. I really don’t want to change it either.

For the next few chapters, we will be showing what happened in the outside world during Adrien and Marinette’s month in isolation.

There’s nothing graphic in this chapter.

—

Alya didn’t go to school the day after Marinette and Adrien’s drug trip, or their ‘wedding’.

After the drug trip had finally ended, Marinette and Adrien were thrown into their cages to ‘sleep’ through the day. Then at around 8pm, the stream changed to the big room where they had been tortured.

Sabine noticed it first, the TV in the living room always showing the stream. She was the one to gather everyone together, so they could watch.

The reactions were no different than the last dozen times they watched a session, and as unbearable as it was to watch, it was better to all be together than watching alone. They took turns leaving the room when things got too bleak.

Specifically, the branding.

The wedding lasted only 15 minutes, but it was so painful to watch, it felt like an hour.

When the stream switched to the closet, the ‘Honeymoon,’ it was easier. Much easier. Alya had taken notes when she could bear it, and made sure to write down every detail she could about the wedding, and Marinette’s dream wedding.

As the night went on, Nino and Tom felt hopeful enough to go to bed. Eventually Gabriel felt himself nodding off too much and called it a night. Then Sabine left as well.

Alya, still on her strange sleep schedule from the night before, stayed up all the way until dawn, when Marinette and Adrien were taken out and separated.  

After posting on the Ladyblog, Alya took a shower to calm down.

In Adrien’s room, Nino had stretched out on the couch and slept with a hard frown.

Alya draped a blanket over him, and crawled into bed.

Hours later, she woke midday.

Nino was gone, and she was alone.

Well, not quite.

“Nino went to school,” Trixx provided, helpfully. “He was going to wake you up, but I told him not to. You needed your rest.”

Alya sat up, a flash in her mind of the horrors she had seen the night before. But she shook her head to get rid of the image. “Thanks, Trixx. I don’t know how I was supposed to function with how little sleep I got. You were right.”

“I tend to be,” he said smugly.

“What time is it?” She rolled over and looked at the clock. “Ugh, noon.”

“I smelled something really delicious downstairs if you’re hungry.”

“I could eat. What about you? What do fox kwami’s eat?”

“I like eggs!”

Alya blinked. “Eggs?”

“Sunny side up, scrambled, runny, on toast, all eggs!”

“…okay. I’ll see if we can whip you up some eggs.”

Alya slipped into a robe, and shuffled down the stairs.

Gabriel came out of his office at the same time, a familiar pink sketch book under his arm, making eye-contact with her. “Miss Cesaire, I didn’t realize you were here.”

“Yeah…I stayed up all night watching the stream. I only went to bed an hour before school started.” She rubbed her tired eyes. “Again.”

Looking at him a little longer, she could see the bags under his eyes, his unshaven face, blood shot eyes and hair that didn’t quite cooperate with the comb.

“I understand, completely.” He said with a nod. “Unfortunately, I had to turn in around midnight. It was…just too painful.”

Alya nodded. “Yeah…it was awful. I should have stopped there too.”

“Did…did anything…helpful happen, at least?”

“Hmm?”

“Was there anything said that could have helped us find them?”

She shook her head. “No. Marinette and Adrien were in the closet, talking. They mostly just talked about all the times they had to give flimsy excuses to go fight akumas. Honestly, I’m just happy they were able to talk like that.”

“I agree.”

It was like a switch was flipped, and Alya suddenly realized she was taking to a fashion mongol while just wearing her pajamas, and hunched her shoulders.

“Well, you must be hungry. Go on, Tom’s made these wonderful raspberry danishes.” He gestured to the dining room.

“Mr. Agreste?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you...for being so...cool. I know you didn’t really want Adrien hanging out with Nino and I...so it means a lot that you’d let us stay here.”

Mr. Agreste screwed up his lips, thinking. “I thought I knew what was good for Adrien. I thought it was being at home, safe and protected, with no outside influences. But I was wrong. After his mother disappeared, he became withdrawn, quiet…depressed. Going to school and having friends, being Chat Noir, it brought that light back into his eyes. I just…didn’t realize it. I was grieving myself.” He sighed. “I know now, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent this.”

That was a big fat lie and he knew it. If he hadn’t emerged as Hawkmoth, the guardian wouldn’t have had to pick wielders for the Ladybug and Black Cat Miraculous.

And of course, the guardian would pick Adrien, because he is perfect. This was Gabriel’s opinion, and he couldn’t fault the guardian for the decision. Why choose someone second rate?

And Marinette Dupain-Cheng proved herself time and time again as a perfect pick for Ladybug.

Yes, they were kids.

But they were perfect for the Miraculous. For each other.

And Gabriel had a hard time blaming the guardian over himself.

“You did what you thought was right.” Alya shrugged. “No one can fault you for that.”

Gabriel gave her a half smile. “I appreciate the sentiment. When Adrien gets out, I promise he can have all the free time he likes.”

Alya smiled at that. She had been certain Gabriel would double down and lock Adrien up again for the rest of his natural life.

What went unspoken was the mutual thought: He’s not getting out.

Nathalie came out of the office. “Pardon me, Mr. Agreste, there is an elderly couple here, wanting to speak to Tom and Sabine, by name of Gina and Roland. Should I let them in?”

“That’s Mr. Dupain’s parents,” Alya provided helpfully.

“Then let them in.” Mr. Agreste agreed.

“I’ll go tell Tom and Sabine,” Alya scurried off.

Nathalie buzzed the grandparents in, and welcomed them into the manor.

A few days after the initial broadcast, the media had completely given up loitering outside the gate. If no one in the house had given an interview yet, they weren’t likely to do so. So there was no worrying about anyone unwanted coming in the gate.

“Mr. and Mrs. Dupain, thank you for coming, Tom and Sabine will be out shortly.”

“Thank you for having us,” Gina said with a nod, her eyes wandering all over the fine atrium. “Please, just call me Gina, and this is my husband Roland.”

“Nice to know you,” the old man greeted with a bone breaking hand shake.

“The pleasure is mine.” Gabriel stated, hiding a grimace.

A moment later, Sabine came hurrying out of the kitchen. “Gina!”

“Oh my sweet cannoli!” Gina hurried to her and hugged her tightly. “How is the momma today?”

“Exhausted, I haven’t been able to sleep all week.”

“I understand my dear, I’ve been worried sick too.”

Then Tom came into the room, followed by Alya. “Mom, what are you doing here?”

Gina embraced him next, cupping his cheeks with her hands. “Oh my sweet boy…Sabine texted me and told me you were here. I was just happy to know you were safe.”

Roland spoke up. “When Gina told me what happened, I was absolutely horrified. The audacity of that woman—“

“Roland,” Gina warned. “We’re not here to bring that up.”

Marinette’s grandfather trembled with anger, obviously not wanting to drop it, but doing so for his family.

“We stopped by the bakery,” Gina was saying, “I used the spare key to get in the back door.”

“Was there any media out there?” Asked Tom.

“No. But there was a ton of flowers and cards. We gathered what was salvageable and have them in the car, if you’re interested.”

Sabine looked at Gabriel.

“I think flowers and cards are fine to bring in. But I wouldn’t touch anything that would be edible. There’s no telling what people could do to tamper with them.”

A shiver went down Alya’s spine at the thought. The idea that someone would try to hurt them during this time of grieving was horrible.

“We also cleaned out the bakery shelves and any perishable foods upstairs,” said Roland. “It won’t do to come home to mold and flies everywhere. That would be devastating to a bakery.”

That was one of Tom’s biggest worries, and he sighed in relief. “Thanks dad.”  

It lessened the stress from them ever so slightly, knowing that everything at home would be okay when they could return. It was a small gesture, that helped.

“Did you check upstairs and in Marinette’s room?” Asked Sabine. “Did it look like anyone tried to break in?”

“I did check, but all the windows were closed and locked. Except for one small window in Marinette’s room. It was opened a little and I couldn’t get it to shut. But it would be nearly impossible for anyone to get in there, unless they’re a tiny acrobat.”

“That window has always been opened. There’s no ledges nearby, so I wouldn’t worry about it.” Sabine assured.

Nathalie came back into the room from the office, and spoke to Gabriel. “Sir, there’s a Nadja Chamack outside. She’s a reporter from TVi news.”

“I supposed she’d like to speak to us?”

“That is what she said, yes.”

Gabriel frowned in thought. At some point, he would have to make a statement to the media. And he’d rather do it on his own terms than to be accidentally cornered on the street.

“Oh, Nadja did you say?” Asked Sabine. “Marinette babysat her daughter Manon all the time! She’s a really nice woman.”

“Alright, if Sabine says she’s good, I’ll believe it. You can let her in.”

A moment later, Nadja came in, shaking Gabriel’s hand in greeting. “Thank you for speaking with me on such short notice.”

“You can thank Sabine Cheng, she’s the one who pointed out that you personally know Marinette.”

Nadja then noticed that the Dupain-Cheng’s were in the room too. “Oh Sabine!”

“Hi Nadja.” She greeted with a sad smile.

Nadja kissed her cheek and held her arms. “How are you doing?”

Sabine may crack if she was asked that one more time. “I’m…I’m holding in there.” She delicately wiped her cheek. “Did you want to talk to us?”

Nadja gave a sympathetic squeeze to Sabine’s arm. “Yes, I wanted to talk to you and Tom, and Mr. Agreste—I’m sorry, I’m not interrupting anything, am I?”

“Oh no no, these are Tom’s parents, Roland and Gina.”

“Hello!”

“Ciao!”

“And I think you’ve met Alya, Marinette’s friend?”

Nadja smiled at her. “Yes, but I know her as the Ladyblogger and Princess Unicorn!” She stated the last bit with a bit of pizazz.

Alya laughed. “Manon told you all about that, huh?”

“Yes, she told me all about the times Marinette ditched her and you had to watch her…usually during an akuma attack,” she winked.

Yet another piece of the puzzle clicked into place.

“Anyways,” said Nadja, “I know this is an extremely sensitive time for you all. But other news stations are putting stories out about Adrien and Marinette, and frankly, some of them just aren’t true. From what I’ve seen, they’re pulling information from their instagrams and making everything else up. I was hoping to sit down with you…where ever is most comfortable. You’d be given questions ahead of time so you’d know what I’d ask, and if there’s any topic you’d like to stay away from, we won’t talk about it. I just…I know Marinette. I love her, and I want to do her justice. I’d be honored if you’d let me do a news segment on them.”

Sabine and Tom shared a look, and then glanced over to Gabriel.

“Well,” Said Tom. “It’s alright with Sabine and I, since we know you and know you’d take good care of them.”

“Thank you, I will.”

“…but ultimately, it’s up to Gabriel. He’s kind of been our PR director.”

Nadja looked at him, barely holding back the need to outright beg.

“I remember now,” said Gabriel, eyes narrowing. “You did that interview with Ladybug and Chat Noir and pried about their relationship. You prodded Ladybug to the point where she left and you became akumatized over it.”

Nadja shrank over the accusations. “Yes…that did happen. That was awful, but…to be honest with you, Mr. Agreste, that was my editor’s fault. She threatened to fire me if I didn’t get a juicy secret from Ladybug. But, that editor is no longer with the studio, and I’m free to conduct this interview how I see fit.”

“Ah, the editors.” Gabriel chuckled darkly. “Always wanting the best scoops, and never taking no for an answer.”

“I will though,” she assured. “I know this is difficult, so if you’d rather not, I completely understand.”

Gabriel raised his chin, looking at her evenly. “You’ll only ask us questions that we’ve approved ahead of time?”

“Yes sir.”

“And it will be recorded and edited before it airs?”

“If you don’t want to do it live, we won’t.”

“And I will approve those who will be interviewed?”

“Of course.”

He nodded in agreement. “Then I see no reason it would be a problem. If things are just like you said, and people are making up stories about them, I’d rather we get the facts straight.”

“Oh wonderful! Thank you so much, Mr. Agreste!” Nadja clenched her hands in front of her heart, mostly in relief.

“Oh Nadja, have you had lunch yet? Tom was just about to bake some fresh bread for sandwiches, if you’d like to join us.”

“That’s sounds wonderful! I’d love to!”

Alya took the opportunity to scoot back upstairs and get dressed. It may have been fairly pointless now that everyone had already seen her in her pajamas, but she’d be damned if she had to sit through a meal like that.

As she came back downstairs, Nathalie was going to the door.

“My, they all decided to come at once, hmm?” She muttered to herself.

This time, the mayor and Chloe were at the door.

“Please come in, Gabriel is entertaining some guests in the dining room.” Nathalie gestured them onward.

Chloe sided up to Alya. “What guests?”

“Marinette’s parents and Nadja Chamack.” Alya answered easily.

In the dining room, the mayor and Chloe were enveloped in the Dupain-Cheng hospitality, whisked into seats with plates placed in front of them. No questions asked.

“Mayor Bourgeois, Chloe, you know Nadja Chamack.” Gabriel gestured.

“How are you?” The reporter greeted kindly.

“And then of course, Tom Dupain and Sabine Cheng, Marinette’s parents.”

“Nice to see you again, Mr. Mayor,” Sabine greeted, as she set down a pitcher of water and finally took a seat. “These are my in-laws, Gina and Roland.”

“Yes, very good,” the Mayor finally got out, not quite expecting to be swept into a party of people.

“To what do we owe the pleasure?” Gabriel asked, noticing the man’s unease.

“Oh, yes, well…” He took out a folded piece of paper from his coat. “I’ve just been to the Civil Registrations office. I was curious, you see. I watched the wedding last night, and…well, you know an elected official has to be the one to conduct a wedding ceremony, but the marriage certificate must be registered with the Civil Office.” He handed the paper over. “I’m afraid, that wedding was legitimate.”

There, in plain writing, the document stated that Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste were married by a Dr. Jean-Pierre Baptiste. It was dated and notarized. The city of the ceremony was blank, however. “Despite the city not being filled in, it is still valid.”

“So…what?” Asked Gabriel. “There’s nothing we can do?”

“Since they were forced into it, and Marinette is under 18, we can annul the marriage, but one of them has to consent to it first. Until we hear from that from them, the marriage is still legally acknowledged.”

Sabine pursed her lips. “Is there any problems that makes for us? I know for them, where they are, it might be easier for them to just be married. But does that effect us at all?”

“It makes you, as parents, no longer guardians of them. Adrien is 18, so he becomes Marinette’s guardian. I’m not sure what that will effect right now, but…if one of them passes away, the other will receive any inheritance they may be entitled to. Once they get out, it is ultimately up to them what happens next. In all honesty, I wouldn’t worry about it right now. Neither of them are vindictive enough to try to use this against the other for unlawful gain.”

Tom stood behind his wife, resting a hand on her shoulder. “So that’s it then? Let’s say…they want to be married. They want it officially. Do we need to do anything else?”

“Nope. Unless you want to have a religious ceremony or blessing, that is. The civil registration is done, so you’re all set to do any sort of traditional ceremony you’d like.”

Gabriel smiled slightly to himself, an idea forming in his head.

Alya finally placed the pink sketchbook that he had earlier. It was on the table next to him, though he didn’t seem to be thinking about it at the moment.

It was Marinette’s. Alya was sure that was the same one she had packed earlier. So why did Gabriel have it? When did he grab it?

“I was wondering, Mr. Mayor,” began Sabine, “…I don’t know if you’re at liberty to talk about it, but I wondered if you knew the status of Edward Savauge?”

The mayor set his fork down and took a shaky drink of his wine. “I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to tell. The Minister of Interior and I are working very hard to come up with a plea deal.”

Alya, smart as she was, wasn’t an expert in law. As the Mayor explained the situation in not so plain terms, most likely to keep things vague, she focused instead on the Gorilla, who was bringing in boxes full of flowers and cards from the bakery.

“What’s happening now?” Asked Chloe, from her side. “In the stream. I haven’t watched since the other night when they were hanged. Daddy said they were married…”

“Yeah,” Alya said softly. “Its better that you didn’t see it. At bare bones, it was a wedding, but…they were both branded with each other’s names on their palms. Marinette wore just a corset with a tutu, and Adrien only wore a bowtie. Afterwards, they were put in a closet together. Early this morning, they were both taken and placed in separate closets. I…I haven’t actually checked to see what’s happened since then.”

“They’re still there.” Supplied Gina, eavesdropping. “I checked just before we came here. They’re both in those closets.”

Alya sighed. “I guess they get some sort of a break then.”

Nathalie came in the room and cleared her throat. “Ahem, a…Mr. Jagged Stone, sir.”

Jagged Stone strolled in, looking far less Rock and Roll is usual, and a bit more serious. “Sorry for popping in like this. I just had this totally rock and roll idea that I wanted to share with you, Gabriel! But if I had known you were having a party, I would have brought my guitar!”

Sabine greeted him first, standing to get him a place at the table. “Hello again, Jagged. Won’t you join us for lunch?”

“Sabine!” He sang, kissing her on the cheek. “Lunch sounds fabulous! How are you doing, love?”

A wobbly smiled graced her cheeks. “I’m…I’m hanging on.”

“Who is this, Sabine?” Asked Roland.

“Who am I?” Jagged laughed, “I’m the Jagged Stone, Old Man. And who are you?”

“Never heard of you. I’m Roland Dupain! The grandfather of Ladybug!” He boasted.

Jagged laughed. “Oh your Marinette’s grandfather! Too awesome!”

“He’s a famous musician,” Gina told her husband. “All the kids like him these days.”

“Oh yeah? One of those techno-mumbo-rappers?”

Jagged made a gagging sound. “Eugh, no way! I’m all about Rock and Roll!”

“Rock and Roll huh? Like the Beatles?”

“A bit more…passionate than the Beatles.” Jagged clarified. “But I’m prone to a ballad or two.”

“Then you’re alright by me.” Roland gave him a thumbs up.

He took a seat between the mayor and Gabriel, helping himself to four raspberry danishes.

“So, Jagged,” began Gabriel. “What was this…totally Rock-and-Roll idea you had?”

Jagged shifted in his chair, gesturing broadly like he was presenting a million dollar idea. “Picture this. A benefit concert in honor of Ladybug and Chat Noir, with me as the headliner. We take donations at the door, and all money goes to Adrien and Marinette’s recovery when they get rescued.”

Gabriel screwed up his lip. “A benefit concert, hm?”

“And we can get pictures and videos of them from their friends, and play them in between songs. And maybe we could have their friends tell some favorite stories too!”

“Too risky.” Gabriel said definitively. “I’ve asked Adrien and Marinette’s classmates not to say anything to anyone for their own safety. Salo could potentially capture someone else to use against Adrien and Marinette. Anyone they are associated with could be a target for this woman.”

Jagged crossed his arms and sat back in his chair, thinking. “Well. That is a pickle. But you know, I figure a lot of people don’t really know what to do right now. I think gathering everyone together to just…think about them, and pray…that’s really the best some of us can do. I have the resources to put on a concert, but I can’t even imagine where to start tracking down some mafia types. ”

“I do like the idea of the benefit concert.” Gabriel assured. “I know Adrien really enjoyed your music. He begged me to let him go to one of your concerts with his friends. I think he would be honored if you did that. I just…we can’t put anyone in jeopardy.”

“What about recording their voices?” Asked Alya. “I know I have plenty of videos of us hanging out. We could dub over them with stories.”

“Hey, now there’s an idea! And no one gets stage fright!”    

“And…” Alya pushed her luck, “you could get Kitty Section to join you.”

“Kitty What-who?”

“Kitty Section. It’s a band that Adrien and Marinette were both involved with. Oh! I think you met them once. Mrs. Couffaine’s family?”

“Anarka! That’s right! Her scraps have a band! Aw, if Adrien and Marinette were involved with them, I’d sure like to play with them.”

“Oh! And I know what Marinette’s favorite songs of yours were! If you hang around after until after school, my boyfriend could tell you Adrien’s. And I have some of Kitty Section’s songs on my phone!”

Jagged clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Alright! Let’s get this concert in the works!”

An hour later, after most ‘business’ had been taken care of, everyone continued to sit around and chat. These were people from all different walks of life, each individually effected by Marinette and Adrien, in or out of the suit. They talked and laughed, reminiscing and sharing funny stories.

“And even though it was an all boys party, Marinette still ended up there. She was wearing this really ridiculous outfit that made her look like a Mexican biker. Oh she was a riot!” Jagged was saying fondly.

“I can’t believe my daughter would sneak into a party like that! I knew she was goo-goo over Adrien, but that’s just ridiculous!” Sabine laughed.

“She’s always been ridiculous, utterly ridiculous!” Chloe stated, “You know that, despite her ginormous crush on Adrien, she still organized a double date for him with another girl?”

“How did you know about that?” Asked Alya.

“Adrikins told me. He gushed about Marinette more than he did about Kagami after that date. If you ask me, he’s ridiculous too!”

They all laughed at that.

Sure, airing out Adrien and Marinette’s dirty laundry wasn’t the most wholesome thing to do, but it was refreshing to see how much nonsense they had gone through together. How ironic their relationship was over the last few years.

Alya watched all of this with a smile.

Then a tear rolled down her cheek, followed by another.

It startled her, and she sniffed heavily, catching Sabine’s attention.

“Alya...honey, what’s wrong?”

She shook her head. “No, I’m fine. I just...I got emotional for minute. I’m just...happy that everyone is having a good time and have nothing but good things to say about them...” she wiped her eyes. “The last few days before...before the capture, Marinette wasn’t always talked so fondly of by our classmates. That’s mostly Lila’s doing. They were trying to take Lila’s side, since she was new to the class and couldn’t possibly be lying...It’s just nice that everyone knows the truth now. That Marinette is good and mostly honest. She only lied to keep her identity, to protect her secret. To keep all of us safe from Hawkmoth.” She covered her face with her hands. “I’m sorry...I just—“

Several pairs of arms wrapped around her.

“It’s alright, honey.” Said Sabine, with the calming voice of a mother. “We know.”

This was a safe place, a room of people who loved her friends. On at least one side of the mask.

“Ahem,” Nathalie spoke from the door. “You have another visitor, sir.”

“Yes, Nathalie, who is it?”

“A Mr. Wang Fu. He said he’d like to talk to Tom and Sabine as well.”

Alya’s eyes widened, though she tried not to show any semblance of recognition at the name.

“…let him in.” Gabriel stated, suspiciously.

A little old Chinese man in a Hawaiian shirt entered the room, and both Alya and Gabriel froze at his sudden appearance.

But Gabriel wasn’t supposed to know who he was, so he just stood and greeted the man cordially, “Welcome Mr. Fu. Is there something I can help you with?”

The man sighed, knotting his hands together. “I’ve come to apologize. My name is Wang Fu…and I am the one that bestowed the Miraculous on your children.”

—

This chapter got too long, so I decided to split it in half.  

[myeternalsin]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hello everyone! 2020… WOW. Can I just say that it has been a complete and utter rollercoaster! IT’S BEEN AWFUL! I am making this post to explain multiple things about myself, my stories, my accounts, etc, so grab a cup of your favorite drink and finger snacks because this is gonna be one long a*$ post! (Excuse my French, but considering everything I’m about to explain I felt like I needed to write that!)

First off, 2020. I believe everyone thought that 2020 was going to be their year. Everyone had their hopes and spirits high to the skies. I was one of those many people. I celebrated New Years Eve with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years and thought this year would be perfect. Valentines day on a Friday, my 21st birthday on Easter, 4th of July on a Saturday, etc. COVID-19 happened. I live in Cedar Rapids Iowa where honestly, my governor had and still has done sh*t about COVID-19. 

Around the end of March I was hit with some very hard information. 

The daycare I worked at, 8-5, as a full time job during the week of spring break had it’s numbers DROP. I went from a class of 12 children to a minimum of 4 a day to a maximum of 7 children. I was even given Wednesday off along with my teacher assistant as we were TOO overstaffed at the center. Usually when I leave work at 5 o'clock, there’s about 20 to 25 children left by the end of the day since we close at 6. I should have known that Monday that the week was going to get worse. There were only 6 CHILDREN at the center when I left EARLY at 4:30. The next day I came home at 10 since we were overstaffed again, and was called at noon that our daycare was shut down. I’m laid off. Start filing for unemployment. 

I was completely HEARTBROKEN. I was truly hoping to stay open, not for the pay or to “get the virus so I can stay home” as some of my co workers joked-but to stay open for the CHILDREN. I was praying that they could get through this and that this whole COVID-19 would blow ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL over soon… boy, was I WRONG! 

I celebrated my 21st birthday at the apartment with my boyfriend instead of bar hopping since everything was shut down. I was completely and utterly BOARD. I had no clue what to do with myself! During this time, my boyfriend was also stuck in the apartment instead of at the office. While we were at the apartment, there was this trend on TikTok called the “towel drop challenge”. I was honestly thinking that since were both cooped up in this tiny apartment that was could, ya know, get it on~

Three and a half years. I was with this boy for three and a half years without ever losing my V-card! I mean, we’d tried on multiple occasions but I just never got my cherry popped. I was told by my mom that any boy would have taken my virginity by now and not waited this long. I even asked him a year after we were together if he was possibly gay or asexual. Which wouldn't have been a problem AT ALL! I have no hate against him however he identified sexually, I just wished that he would have told me or he would have done something about it. 

That fateful day, I let him know that I wanted his time and attention. He could have walked away from his computer. There were times where he’d either be on his phone with his head down while “working”, or he’d come out into the living room to play a video game for half an hour while still “logged in and working”. I was hoping to just get ten minutes of his time. I was lying in my bed, naked and waiting for him. I know he saw me too, yet he didn’t do anything. It was the end of his work work shift, and I was waiting with anticipation for him to just POUNCE on me. 

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said, “I’m going downstairs to do laundry.”

My whole entire being shattered. I was completely DEVASTATED. I always asked myself after every time we tried having sex if something was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough? Is it because I got bigger throughout the years we were together? Was it because I was inexperienced? Was I performing wrong on him when we would do stuff? I was pretty sure I was attracted to him both physically and personality wise. So what was wrong?

I got so upset and started screaming and yelling at him while crying everything out about not only what he just did, but about everything. In the end, I just collapsed on the bed and said “I want to go home.” I was like a broken record, uttering that saying over and over again.

So, I moved out. I am still living with my parents, and honestly it was rough and still is. I became so depressed. This boy was my best and sadly only friend I ever had. I had pushed away all of the friends I used to have because of him. I tried contacting some old friends, but they had all moved on with their lives. Everyone’s getting married, engaged, having kids, having pets, graduating college. I had nothing, or at least it felt like it at the time.

No friends, no boyfriend, moved in with my parents, and no job.

That’s right. The owner of the daycare never hired me back on, along with six other staff members. Around the beginning of July, I was wondering why I hadn’t been contacted to come back to work. I was willing to travel even though I didn’t live in that city anymore because of the breakup. I was notified by a coworker that they were back to work already a month ago and she was wondering where I was! I called the daycare and never went through to anyone about why I wasn't back.

I felt so useless. A failure. Disappointment. I wanted to not exist. 

I knew that I shouldn’t have had these thoughts, and it scared the shit out of me that my mind was not only thinking it-but the feeling and urge to actually follow through with it.

So, I contacted my doctor. Got some antidepressants, and am trying to get a therapist at the moment. My doctors building with their therapist are practically booked with everything going on. It’ll still be a little bit before I can talk to someone. I was told by my doctor to try to find something to do that peaks my interest. I thought of my work and you guys. I’m proud of the writing I have and can’t believe I left you guys hanging, both on request and stories. I found something I could do to lift my spirits up yet again!...

PHSYIC!

August 10th 2020, I woke up at 10 in the morning. I made a hearty breakfast and an iced coffee for the first time in FOREVER! I was pumping myself up to get on here and to start writing again! After I was done eating, the city sirens went off.

“Is there a tornado?” I asked my parents. They themselves didn’t know either because both cable and the electricity went out as soon as I asked. We all hurried downstairs with all three and a half dogs as the wind picked up and the rain became more heavy. (I said a half because M,W,F we babysit my sister's little beagle dog.)

We sat and waited for the storm to be over and we were wondering what was going on. My dad was about to get up when BOOM! The house shook and vibrated all around us.

My mom started crying hysterically, my dad tried to comfort the dogs and create a barrier for them not to go upstairs, and I just kinda sat there. It was like I wasn’t really registering what was going on. Maybe it was because I was trying to stay positive? Maybe a couple branches just smashed the siding of the house or window? Were the antidepressants not allowing me to cry and freak out? I wasn’t sure what was going on with me at the time. 

The rain stopped and my parents went upstairs to check everything out while I stayed downstairs with the dogs.

“Drip!”

“Argh! What the!?” I exclaimed as I showed my flashlight on my phone to the ceiling. It was dripping from the heating and cooling vent. I saw other droplets of water along the Styrofoam tile ceiling, and followed the trail towards the small kitchen area where there was water IN the ceiling light!

“Uhhhh, guys?” I yelled to my mom and dad upstairs.

“Wait a couple minutes sweetie!” My mom responded back as I started to hear their hurried feet running around upstairs.

“We got water coming downstairs!” I hollered as I grabbed a couple of empty solo cups I had downstairs since I was living down there to start collecting the water.

“Yeah? That’s ’cause we got a hole in the house!” My dad yelled.

The big tree in the backyard that was planted from the previous owner back in the 1950’s crashed into the living room from this storm we later learned 3 days later called Derecho. We’ve been recovering for about a month now. Almost everything is back to normal. 

We got power and water back 2 weeks ago from today, the internet back a week ago, and cable has been kind of wonky. We’ve been wanting nothing but the news and were able to have cable for ONE DAY. It crashed and we still don’t have cable. We’ve tried antennas but they just aren’t working in our location. 

The downstairs floor is ruined. We had to rip out the carpet and the floors now have asbestos. I live upstairs now in the guest room and we’re pretty much confined to the entry way since we still have a huge hole in the living room. No comfortable seating either. We’re hoping to hear back from the insurance claim sometime this week… but there's a possibility that we might just have to move if the damage is too much. 

To put the good old fashioned cherry on top, one of our dogs may no longer be with us this week. She hasn’t eaten in the past couple of days and is only drinking water. We’re taking her to the vet tomorrow to see what’s going on, or if she’s suffering too much.

Honestly… 2020 can F#@! OFF! It’s been such an awful year! But! I am ready to get back into the swing of things and get back to writing and writing for you guys again!

I was going to explain some things about my accounts and rules but I feel a tad bit drained after writing this all out, and I haven't typed on a keyboard in so long! My wrists HURT! Give me a couple of hours and I'll be back with a PSA part 2! I will be posting this to all of my accounts so no one is left out of the loop. Be back soon! 

~MyEternalSin

[turtle-steverogers]

Sand Dollars- a Ralbert War Story

heheh hi guys im in college now and im posting a thing hello

also i know I KNOW that fugitives and titanium need some love

they will GET that love, i promise

ok ok now for the lowdown on this story-

warnings: none for this chap, but OH BOOY will there be some warnings in the future.  this is not a happy story

ship: ralbert, some kinda spalbert (but not romantic. its like,,,,platonic ish)

word count: 3228

editing: no, so plz excuse any shit

-

CHAP 1

June, 2006

Albert tugged at the collar of his uniform, inwardly cursing the stifling heat of the shaky boeing aircraft he’d been trapped on for the past fifteen hours.  A thin sheen of sweat covered his entire being and he pushed a hand through his hair, wrinkling his nose a little at the short length of his regulation cut.  He usually liked to keep his hair on the longer side when off-duty, framing his face and curling at the nape of his neck.  And even though he supposed he should be used to the short, crew cut by now, he didn’t have to like it.  Besides, the longer hair suited his face better.  Or so that’s what he was always told.

The announcement of their descent echoed through the plane and Albert sighed, vaguely wishing he’d pissed one more time before the fasten seatbelt sign flashed on again.  The eclectic mix of uniform service members that surrounded him began shifting around, readjusting their seats back to their original positions and stowing their tray tables. 

Albert rolled his eyes minutely, realizing that he should probably do the same before some asshole called him out for it.  Everything always needed to be perfect around these people.  Dress right dress and all that crap.

But as much as all this shit gave him a headache, there was no place he’d rather be.   

His circumstances growing up had been less than ideal.  A dead mother at nine and an absent father at eleven had gotten him dumped into the foster care system with his two brothers (who he eventually got separated from and hadn’t heard from since.  Which he definitely wasn’t still fucking devastated about.  No, he was good at moving on and dealing with his shit.  Yeah, very good).  No less than fourteen homes later, he turned 18 and finally, finally, he was done being some fucking ward of the state.  

But fourteen homes meant just as many, if not more, schools.  And when you’re being shoved from household to household with nothing but a couple bags filled with clothes and other absolute essentials, you don’t really have time to do well in school or apply to colleges.  

The National Guard had sounded like a blessing at the time.  An absolute saving grace with health and financial benefits to last him a literal lifetime.  He always had been good at listening to directions and taking orders, so he figured he’d be a perfect fit.  And he had.  

Those first few years between enlisting and basic training had been some of the best of Albert’s life.  He’d made bonds to last him a lifetime, felt the thrill of having something that was his and he was good at.  He had found purpose where he previously had none.

Then three planes had gone and crashed into the Twin Towers and Pentagon and everything went to shit.

Albert and one of his buddies from Basic, Sean (who went by Spot, but nobody knew why.  Albert had asked once and Spot had just smiled and kicked him in the shin) were living in New York at the time, having moved into a little apartment on the Upper East Side.  The morning of September 11 had yielded one of the clearest, bluest skies Albert had seen in his entire life. 

He remembered waking up to a call from his squad leader, barely able to comprehend the situation through his killer fucking hangover.  He and Spot really hadn’t planned on getting hammered on a Monday night, but sometimes life in your early 20s just happened like that.

The next four days had been a blur of smoke, sirens, debri, and dust.  So much dust.  It had taken weeks for Albert to feel like the damn stuff was finally out of his lungs and if he still thought about it too hard, a phantom tickle would creep up in his chest.

He tried not to think about that week too much.  Spot and him had returned home around the same time, both in varying states of exhaustion and dissociation.  They didn’t discuss what they had individually been through, but an unspoken understanding of the nightmare they’d both witnessed had led them into the same bed that night, the need to forget shrouding everything else.

Albert and Spot’s relationship wasn’t anything that could be truly named.  They weren’t best friends.  They weren’t boyfriends.  They weren’t fuckbuddies.  But they understood each other better than anyone Albert had ever known in his 27 years on this god forsaken earth.  And in that understanding, the knowledge that sometimes you just need to feel good for a night went without having to be spoken.  Feeling good didn’t just mean sex, though.  They cuddled a fair amount too, which was strange considering how touch averse Spot was with other people.  During their first deployment, though, several long days had led to quiet nights spent in each others arms, where they allowed themselves to forget the horrors they were subject to witness and just be. 

They were basically inseparable.  So when the heavens happened upon them and they were to be deployed into the same battalion again, despite Albert climbing through the ranks and surpassing Spot by a fair deal, he had silently thanked a god he hadn’t prayed to since eight years old.

Leaving home was easy, mostly because Albert didn’t have anyone to leave behind.  Spot was already overseas, having left a couple weeks earlier while Albert finished up some things down at the Pentagon.  While being deployed sucked, Albert at least had Spot to look forward to.

The plane jolted, tilting a little as it made it made its final descent into the Tal Afar Airport.  Albert leaned back against the headrest, closing his eyes and white knuckling the armrests.  He was a fine flyer once the plane was up in the air, but taking off and landing fucked him upside down and sideways. 

He was just beginning to count his breaths, clamping down the rolling waves of motion sickness, when a low voice spoke next to him.

“Are you alright, sir?” Albert cracked open an eye, glancing sideways at the person next to him, “Not a fan of flying?” 

The guy looked...rugged.  There was no other word for it.  His black hair was cut close to his head, well within regulation and looking a little patchy at the sides.  His wide set eyes were sharp and calculating, glinting with something like mischief that would unsettle Albert if he hadn’t seen that look a million times over in the mirror.  He looked younger than Albert by a good few years and the lack of shadows in his gaze and on his face cast a look of innocence over him.  Albert remembered those days- when naivety led him to a false sense of security.  He had been untouchable; indestructible.  

“Only take off and landing,” Albert said, clearing his throat and putting on what had to look like a strained smile.  He pried his right hand off the armrest and held it out for the guy to shake, “First Sergeant Albert Dasilva.  Good to meet ya.”

The guy had a firm handshake and he didn’t seem to mind that Albert’s palm was a little sweaty from nerves, “Private Elmer Kasprzak.”

Albert smiled, “First time in the Sandbox?”

Elmer smiled, looking a little self deprecating, “That obvious, sir?”

Albert shook his head, aiming for comforting, but still sounding vaguely choked, “I just know the look.  Way too excited.”

“Oh,” Elmer furrowed his brow, looking like he was trying to decide whether to be offended or not, “I’m just happy to finally be on the frontline, sir.”

“I commend you,” Albert said, wistfully, “It’s a brave thing to be doing with such a strong attitude.”

Elmer blushed, “Thank you, sir.”

“You don’t have to tack ‘sir’ onto every sentence,” Albert assured him, “Some guys are really strict about that, so keep in the habit, but I’m not too picky.”

“Oh, okay s- uh, okay,” Elmer flushed deeper and Albert chuckled a little bit patting his knee.

The plane touched down with a jerk and Albert closed his eyes again briefly while it slowed.  Eventually, it came to a stop and the fasten seatbelt sign flashed off.  Albert reopened his eyes to see Elmer staring out the window, awe and apprehension noticeable through the look in his eyes and the crease between his brows.

“C’mon, Private,” Albert said, unbuckling and clapping the younger man’s shoulder, “we got places to be.”

XXX

Getting assigned last minute to a completely new battalion and then being shipped overseas two weeks later was not how Race suspected he’d be spending his first year out of West Point.  He didn’t mind really.  He hadn’t really had any true connections to his old squad and after his little incident with Oscar Delancey, a new start was appreciated.

That didn’t make the whiplash of deployment any less bittersweet.  

His nerves hadn’t stopped twisting since General Kelly had informed him of his new assignment, going back and forth between excitement and paralyzing anxiety until his gut was furling with both simultaneously.  But now that he was here, things were starting to settle within him.  This was his life now and it was going to be his life for the next twelve months.  Better get used to it.

He put the last of his shirts in one of his dresser drawers, casting a cursory glance around his side of the room, before eyeing his cheap, Walmart alarm clock.  09:45.  The next wave of soldiers should be arriving soon and with them, his roommate.

A wave of anticipation rolled through Race’s stomach and he grimaced.  He had yet to make any meaningful connections with his soldiers so far, many of them wary of having a new CO.  But he was a people person and this alienation was killing him, even though he understood their hesitation.  Part of him hoped that whoever his roommate ended up being wouldn’t hold the same vigilance towards him.  Maybe he could even make a friend.  Someone he could theoretically get a drink with.  Completely hypothetically, of course.  Drinking wasn’t allowed on base.

Sighing, Race grabbed his patrol cap, cramming it onto his head and grabbing a pack of cigarettes from his desk.  He bounded down the stairs to his trailer and made his way over to the coffee line, nodding his greeting at a small clique of soldiers as he passed.  He only got a couple nods in return, and every single one of them wore matching, judgemental looks.  Race tried not to take it to heart.

The line for coffee took forever and Race hummed a little to himself, toying with the pack of cigarettes in his pocket while he waited for the cue to move at a snail’s pace.  Once he held his little styrofoam cup in hand, he ventured off to the smoking pit, draining his coffee along the way.  

Soldiers were beginning to arrive and Race lit up a cigarette, watching with casual curiosity as groups flooded into camp.  He eyed them, vaguely wondering who each of them was.  Who he would get along with.  Who he would despise.  Who would despise him.

He quickly got overwhelmed again and stomped out his finished stub, lighting up another to kill a few more minutes.

An indiscernible amount of time passed and Race kicked his last cigarette to the dust, pulling back the sleeve of his ACU jacket and checking the time.  11:15.  Damn, that coffee line really had taken forever.

Deeming his little break long enough, Race wandered back towards his trailer, heart rate kicking up a bit when he noticed that the door was propped open.

Steeling himself, Race climbed the stairs, knocking once on the door jamb, before ducking inside.

The person inside turned his head, peering up from where he was folding a few grey, regulation workout pants on his recently made cot.

He was wearing his ACU pants and boots, but his jacket had been discarded and with a quick glance around, Race found it draped over the back of his desk chair.  The guy was attractive- a sharp jawline accentuated by his pale skin and dark red hair, which was trimmed attractively, fading up the sides.  It was as if the guy knew from experience how to make the most of the look without pushing regulation.  His arms and chest were muscular, highlighted by the stretch of his tan, liner t-shirt.  

A charming smile stretched across the guys face as he straightened up, crossing the small expanse of their room and holding out a hand, which Race took firmly.

“First Sergeant Albert Dasilva,” He said, his voice smooth and a little gravelly, “Pleasure to meet you, sir.”

Race smiled back, “Lieutenant Antonio Higgins,” he said, hoping he sounded a lot more confident than he felt, “I’m honored to be working with you and your squadron and I’m looking forward to getting to know everyone.”

Albert dropped his hand, turning back to continue unpacking his things.  He only had one large duffle and two small carry on bags and suddenly, Race felt self conscious about his two duffle and impressive assortment of other luggage.  

“Honestly, we’re just lucky that you were available to serve with us, sir,” Dasilva said, straightening his shoes by his closet, dress right dress, “Everyone was really bummed and pretty panicked when Lieutenant Morris fucked up his leg, so it’s great that General Kelly was able to get you on board so quick.”

Race crossed to his side of the room, tossing his cap back onto his cot and slumping into his own desk chair, “I was pretty eager to get overseas, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen so quick.”

Dasilva hummed, sounding a little surprised, “This is your first deployment?” He asked, looking over his shoulder and raising his eyebrows a little.

“Yeah,” Race said, ducking his head a little as he flushed, “Just got outta West Point last May.”

Dasilva whistled, looking impressed, “You musta done damn well if you’re already a Lieutenant,” he said, smiling a little challengingly, “and add the fact that Kelly sought you out directly,” he shook his head, bemused, “Damn, sir, you’ve got quite the rep.”

Race wrinkled his nose, “My so called ‘rep’ ain’t really getting me anywhere with your men.”

Dasilva shrugged a shoulder, waving his hand dismissively, “Don’t take whatever they’re doing to heart,” he said, “They’re all still upset about Lieutenant Morris.  He was a great Lieutenant and a lot of the guys are still feeling his absence.  They’ll warm up to you, sir.”

Race grunted noncommittally.  He knew that Dasilva was trying to make him feel better with his little pep talk, but the knot in Race’s stomach only grew.  It seemed like he had pretty fucking big shoes to fill.

“Aha!”

Race was pulled out of his spiraling worries by Dasilva’s voice and he looked up to see him holding a toothbrush and toothpaste.

“Finally found them,” Dasilva said, triumphantly.  He waved them a little in Race’s direction, “I’m gonna go freshen up.  That fifteen hour flight always makes me feel grungy as shit.”

Race nodded his acknowledgement, watching as his new bunkmate exited the room and traipsed down the steps, leaving the door open behind him.  He could see him greeting other soldiers with a level of enthusiasm and charm Race could only dream to match.  His jealousy spiked even further when he got equally happy greetings in response.

Blowing out a measured breath, Race flipped open his notebook, toying with the pristine patch on the front as he vaguely studied the Arabic terms he’d been practicing on the plane ride there.

He was pretty good already, if he said so himself, with an impressive language proficiency score of 3+ under his belt.  But solidifying knowledge was always beneficial, no matter one’s skill.

A few minutes later, Dasilva bounded back through the door to their trailer, finally easing the door shut behind him.  He stuck his toothpaste and toothbrush back into his little hygiene kit and tucked the thing neatly into the top drawer of his dresser.  

Race kept his eyes on his notebook, not entirely sure how to progress with their conversation.  He was out of his depth- usually being the loud and confident one, but somehow rendered socially inept in this completely foreign environment.

Dasilva didn’t seem to notice his internal battle, though, and a moment later, he spoke up.

“You fluent yet?”

Race startled a bit, looking up, “Almost, I’m still working on conversational communication, but I’ve got all the basics in the bag.”

Dasilva grinned, seemingly not jarred by the sudden change in language, “That’s good.  Already something you have over Lieutenant Morris.  With him, we almost always needed a terp on site.”

“No need for one of those here,” Race said, switching back to english.

“Obviously, sir,” Dasilva agreed.  There was another lull in conversation, but Dasilva didn’t seem uncomfortable, “Do you like running?”

Race felt his stomach flip excitedly, “Yeah, actually, I love it.  Did track all through middle in high school.  That’s actually where-”  He cut himself off hastily.  Dasilva did not need to know about his little adolescent nickname that he still used unironically.  Not yet anyway.

Dasilva gave him a funny look, but didn’t push, “Great.  I go running every morning with one of my buddies before call.  You’re welcome to join us if you want.”

“That sounds nice,” Race said, “I’d love to.  Who’s your buddy?” He added out of curiosity.

“Sean Conlon,” Dasilva stated and Race hummed, recognizing the name, but not having a face to put it with, “He and I go way back.”

The weight of the words seemed to hold something heavy, but Race returned Dasilva’s courtesy and didn’t push.

“Sounds like a good guy,” Race said, “What time should I wake up?”

“We usually go around 04:45,” Dasilva said, leaning back into his regulation pillows, “You’ll probably hear my alarm anyway.”

Race nodded, “I’ll set one on my clock, too, just in case.”

“Good plan.”

A knock at their door had both of them exchanging a curious look.  Race stood to get it and found a taller man with straight, cropped brown hair and a rigid nose standing at ease outside the door.  He smiled cordially when Race looked up at him and offered him a hand.

“Lieutenant Higgins?” Race nodded and the man shook his hand firmly, “Excellent.  Captain David Jacobs, it’s nice to meet you.”

“You too, sir.”

“General Kelly would like to see you over in his office,” Jacobs continued, sounding a little warmer.  His eyes flicked over Race’s shoulder to Dasilva, who hastily stood at attention.

“First Sergeant Albert Dasilva, sir,” Dasilva said, his voice hardening as he saluted.

“At ease, soldier,” Jacobs said, “Pleasure to meet you.”

They all stood in silence for a short pause, before Race awkwardly turned and grabbed his patrol cap.  

“General Kelly requested for me now, sir?” He asked Jacobs.

“Yes,” Jacobs confirmed.

“Alright,” Race placed the cap on his head and looked back to where Dasilva was still standing, “I’ll see you later, Sergeant.”

“See you, sir,” Dasilva smirked, “Good luck.”

Race resisted stating that he’ll need it as the trailer door swung closed behind him.

-

thanks for reading, chiefs

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[critical-analysis]

The Age of Arcanum, the Culture of Mages, and How They Effect the Modern Times of Critical Role’s World

I apologize in advance that this might not be particularly cohesive. I’m very sick, and I didn’t want another week of being behind, so I decided to post it anyway. I might polish it here and there throughout the week (I almost might now), so if you thought this was messy and awful, check back later in the week and it might be better. :)

Throughout the entire run of Critical Role, we haven't really learned that much about the Age of Arcanum. What we have learned is largely objective historical facts. We've learned about the gods before the creation of the Divine Gate, and then the Calamity that led to its creation. We've learned about individual figures that lived during the time, mostly those that had relationships with various gods. But we haven't learned that much about the culture, what societies were like, and the way things were for people living during that time. We've probably learned more about the Age in this campaign than we did in the first, and in learning about Halas, particularly in just this week's episode alone, we've probably learned more about what the world and life in it was like than we have before. It's made me so curious about this era of the world's history, as well as what things that have happened in more current times of the story could be tied to this little known and discussed history.

I'm personally pretty fascinated by the Age of Arcanum and what it could have been like. Matt did say on twitter that "the Age of Arcanum is an open invitation for you to create your own game's history." So it's possible he's only planed the essential basics, and then what he needs for the story. Or it's possible that he's planned everything, but he's only going to reveal what needs to be revealed for the story so that it can be left open for DMs to plan their own campaigns with it. So it's true that we don't know that much and that we likely won't ever know that much about what was ultimately a pretty large amount of time. But it interests me so much that I do want to look at what we know for sure, and speculate a little bit about what we might learn in the future.

Prior to this episode, information about the Age of Arcanum has been given to us in bits and pieces, sometimes being told to us clearly as being descriptive of the Age, sometimes given in slightly more subtle ways that might be telling us more than we think we're being told.

As I said, much of what we do know is more along the lines of historical fact. The Age of Arcanum began about 1500 years before the current events of Critical Role's story, and it was a time where mortals had harnessed huge amounts of arcane power, with mages making tremendous discoveries. The gods were not yet locked behind the Divine Gate, so their relationship to the world and those in it was far closer, with the gods being more accessible to mortals, who started to think that the could be just as powerful as the gods. There are two discussed cases of mortal challenging the gods. The first was the Raven Queen, who began life as a mortal. She challenged the god of death, won, and ascended to divinity. In a far more devastating case, a mage called Vespin Chloras released the Betrayer Gods from their prison. These gods sought to defeat the gods who imprisoned them, starting by creating their own kingdom, Ghor Dranas (which would become Xhorhas). They then sought to spread their power and influence, starting with an attack on Vasselheim. After a war that lasted 20 days and 20 nights they were defeated. The war changed the attitude of the mortals and mages who once thought that the gods held no power over them, and changed the way they were using their magic, now seeking to create things that would better protect them.

The Calamity, when the Betrayer Gods once again brought war to the world and the other gods and were finally defeated for good, with Ioun, Pelor, and Evandra completing the ritual to seal away Tharazidun, and then later chose to leave the Material Plane and seal themselves behind the Divine Gate, marked the end of the Age of Arcanum.

Those are the historical facts of the Age of Arcanum, and it is most of what we know. There are other figures we've learned about, like Purvon, the champion of the Raven Queen, and The Laughing Hand, who had been a warrior who fought against Torog and, upon being defeated by the god, was turned into a monstrosity, placed into eternal servitude with his heart being sealed away in an extra planar dimension. But that's most of what we've been told for sure. When it comes to what the culture of the time was like, we've been given some hints, but not much.

One thing I find interesting is that in a time where the gods were so much closer to the world, before they were closed off, and when mortals and non-divine creatures could have such close dealings with the gods, that it seems that there were more people who thoughts they were powerful enough that the gods could hold now power or influence over them than there are in the "current" times of the story, when the gods are locked behind the Divine Gate and unable to have such direct influence. Perhaps it was the very fact that the gods were closer to the world that made people think they could have the same kind of powers. The gods being locked away behind the Divine Gate and not having such direct interaction makes them more mysterious, more "other". It makes them seem far more like gods when they're more unattainable. Maybe having the gods so close demystified them, made them seem weaker. And then having a mortal woman overtake on of the gods and ascend to become a deity probably made this idea that they could be as powerful as the gods much more real.

It's somewhat ironic, that it was ultimately the arrogance that had these mages thinking they were equal to the gods that ultimately brought them to fear the gods. Vespin Chloras set the Betrayer Gods free because he thought he could control them and their power. But by being released, these gods were able to wage a war that devastated the world, and revealed to mortals exactly what the Gods could do, leaving the mages shaken and using their magic to create different things that could protect them from the war.

We've seen some fascinating, incredibly things that magic users in the current times of Critical Role (both in the first and second campaigns) have managed to do, so I'm fascinated by the idea of what magic users during the Age of Arcanum were doing that had them thinking they were on the same level as the gods. We've started to see some of it, through the exploration of Halas' folding halls, but I'm so interested in things that go even beyond that. What was the culture like? What did was the place of non-magic users in the world? What was their perception of the mages and their relationship with the gods?

I think through Halas' writings we've found that maybe the mages were even more arrogant and amoral than anything we've learned about the Age so far would have indicated. What he said in his writings seems to suggest that becoming a lich, or at least planning for that course of action, was common for mages. I suppose that makes sense, as be being a lich they essentially have eternal life, which the would likely think puts them even close to the gods, since it would mean they aren't mortal and therefor aren't confined to mortal rules. Halas was seeking use the Perma-Heart to create a regenerating, never dying clone that he could transfer his consciousness to so that he wouldn't have to put up with the hassle of lichdom. This might suggest that the mages of the time had developed some kind of magic, or at least came close to it, that would allow them to transfer their consciousness into another being.

As a side note, I think the prevalence of golems in the Folding Halls, the golem workshop, etc., suggests that the Folding Halls, or at least some of them, were made at a time following the first war, the siege on Vasselheim. While it's entirely possible, perhaps even likely, that golems were commonly made before the Betrayer Gods' attacking, it was after that attack/war that mages really started to turn their attention to creations of war, and different things that could protect them in the event that the gods tore their world apart. It could be the point of the entire creation of the Folding Halls themselves. Halas could have feared what the gods could do to the Material Plane, so he created a home that existed not just in an extra planar space, but that existed over multiple extra-planar spaces. And that was well protected by both a dragon and golems.

If this is true, then it could serve to give us a very good picture as to the mindsets of mages in the time following that war in Vasselheim. Halas was both trying to achieve immortality and potentially to protect himself within the Halls. So much of the security within the halls, as well as the construction, if not their very existence, suggests a paranoia surrounding his safety. It's kind of surprising, really, that his experimentation room seems to have considerably less security than other areas, like the arcane armory, the tapestry entrance. Which suggests that perhaps the paranoia that led to all the security was less about any mages stealing his secrets than it was about something else.

I think the tidbit of information we've been given that I find most fascinating is the book the Mighty Nein found in the Folding Halls that were a description of a debate from the forum of Zeidel about the moral implications of, as Matt said, arcane experimentation on the prisoners of Ghor Dranas. I'm not sure if he's clarified if he meant that they were discussing experiments being done in Ghor Dranas on prisoners they were holding, or if he meant that they were discussing experiment on prisoners they were holding from Ghor Dranas. I'm going to assume it's the latter, as it makes more sense. Though really, even if they were debating the moral implications of Ghor Dranas experimenting on prisoners, it would all mean the same things: they're debating on whether or not it's okay to use prisoners (likely mortal in nature) for arcane experimentation. This of course means that it was an ethical question as to whether or not this was acceptable, so that would meant that during the Age of Arcanum there was, at the very least, a very strong voice among people of power saying that it wasn't okay to experiment on people. That they were debating on it, though, does tell is that there were people who disagreed and thought that such practices were acceptable. So what would cause the disagreement? What would cause the potential change in beliefs? I think that it would makes sense that during this time mages would grow more and more accepting of using mortals in their experiments, as they had come to believe that they were just as powerful as the gods, who had created them. So they might have felt that because they had such power that the other non-mage mortals weren't at the same level as them, especially if they were prisoners, and were then therefor free game when it came to what these mages considered to be necessary. I really wish that Matt had shared what result, if any, they came do at the end of the debate, beyond just warnings of a war with the gods

And just a note, I am assuming that when they say prisoners of Ghor Dranis that they're referring to mortals, or at least creatures that weren't gods. I find it hard to believe that the people of Zeidel would have any gods as prisoners, and I doubt even more that they'd be considering experimenting on them.

I think it's then telling that Halas had the book that held the descriptions of these debates. While I noted above that he doesn't seem to be the most un-arrogant or un-awful of the mages, it's possible that having this book in his possession means that he was trying to make an ethical decision about whether or not to experiment on other mortals. Or perhaps he had the book as a means to justify such experimentation, although we haven't yet seen any evidence of him experiments on any other mortals other than himself.

Another thing to note about Zeidel was that they were a society that had harnessed the power of crystals to make their city float. It makes me wonder how much magic and arcane experimentation was done with crystals, and how much of it has survived over the centuries. It also made me wonder if some magic users in the current times of the story heard about different kinds of magic being done with crystals and decided to attempt it themselves. We are aware of at least one arcane magic users experimenting with crystals in magic, and it wasn't in trying to make a city float.

While we know the the crystals used on Caleb and his friends when Trent Ikithon experimented on them were Residuum, we don't know what kind of crystals were used to make societies like Zeidel float. It's possible that they used Residuum. It's also possible that Residuum wasn't used to make their city float, but that they'd harnessed power from other crystals for other things. Maybe it's the late night and my currently sick-as-hell mind working overtime, but it's connecting together the fact that this knowledgeable arcane society harnessed the power of crystals, that this society was debating about using arcane experimentation on people,  that Halas had records of some of this society's debates and information regarding these arcane practices (which means he could have more than just the one book Caleb found), the fact that Halas is from whatever the Zemni Fields were at the time of Age of Arcanum, and that Caleb and his friends were from the same area. Maybe the last bit about them all being Zemnian doesn't feel as solid as the rest of it (unless the remnants of Zeidel became Zemnia, as I've seen some speculate), but the fact that this society that harnessed the power of crystals seemed to be starting to, ot at least wanting to start, experimenting on people, and then centuries later Trent Ikithon, an arcane magic user, was experimenting on his students using crystals is something that keeps jumping out at mean every time I look into this stuff.

I think that actually says something important about the culture then vs. the culture in the current times of the story, whether they're connected or not. In the current times of the story, it doesn't seem that experimentation of an arcane nature in people is acceptable. There's been nothing we've seen (yet) to suggest that the Empire as an overall entity (not counting the Academy or Trent Ikithon's own policies) experiments on prisoners, and we've seen two instances of prisoners being kept in Xhorhas without being experimented on. So it's likely not being done, and if it is it's being hidden very, very deeply, which suggests that it's something that would be considered unacceptable. When Trent experimented on his students, it wasn't even an act of the Academy, it was an act of Trent Ikithon, what he was doing to his chosen students. So that tells us that such policies aren't even considered remotely acceptable. During the Age of Arcanum, they were openly debating about whether or not it was right or wrong. The might not yet have started to do it, but it was something they were openly debating in public, with people presenting the idea that it was entirely moral and acceptable to do. This would be yet another thing that gives us a look at the kind of culture that existed in the world at the time, and the mindsets of the mages.

So what we do know about the culture of the time is confined pretty much entirely to the mages. With the power they had harnessed and their actions ultimately leading to the Calamity, it makes sense that most of what we know of the time is about them. It also makes sense because it's likely that a great deal of what they did, what they set in motion, effects what we know about arcane magic and the practices surrounding it of the current times of the story. We know so little about everyone else, and that's what I would really love to learn more about. What was the culture of people with divine magics, who served the gods, like during this time of such arcane power, when mages using magic that wasn't divine were challenging the gods? And what about those people who didn't use magic at all? What was their world like? The world would have been so different than the one in the current times of the story. The gods being far more accessible, arcane magic users holding even ore power, what would their lives have been like? What was worship like for them? Did magic use define class status? And how sharply were those classes defined? I 'm sure there's stuff in all of that unknown information that effects and that plays into the world that exists now, especially when it comes to divine magic users. I wish we had more information about the world and cultures of the people of the Age of Arcanum outside of the arcane users that define it.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Sanditon 1x08 Review

So it has been over 48 hours now since the finale aired and I have now had time to completely process everything and work through my various emotions about the episode. After the episode I did post a sort of summary of my thoughts but now that I have had the chance to rewatch the episode and organise my thoughts a bit better, as promised here is my much more detailed review of the episode. Overall I am feeling alot more optimistic about things. As I said in my previous post I understand why people are angry. I have seen countless tumblr posts and tweets talking about how Jane Austen would not have ended her story this way. And everyone is quite right about that, I too was very put out by the ending at first. But I think the issue is people are looking at this as an ending but actually its just part 1. I also think some of the issue is that Season 2 hasn’t been confirmed yet, I do feel like people would have accepted the cliffhanger more if they had announced season 2 before the finale. I am very confident that we will get a season 2. There was so much buzz around the episode. It was trending on twitter for I think it was like 5 hours in the end if I remember rightly I checked it at about 1am and it was trending at number 5. I also think (I could be wrong) that the producers of the show very much meant for people to be angry about the ending. It is sad but true that we have a habit of making a lot more noise when we are displeased with something than when we are happy. At least that has been my experience. I do however also appreciate that people feel manipulated. I did too for a while, but I have since decided that if it gets me a season 2 then ultimately I may consider forgiving them for that cheap manipulation and to look past that and instead get excited for season 2. So if you would like to know what I thought of the finale in all its glory then continue reading, naturally there is a spoiler warning in place. And as always with my reviews I would like to say that these are just my own opinions it is perfectly fine if you disagree every one is entitled to their own opinions and feelings. (Also I want to add a quick apology for how long it took me to post this. I had actually written most of it Monday morning and had intended to post it Monday afternoon but unfortunately I had a family emergency that is now thankfully resolved. I’ve now just finished it up and checked it over so yeah..) 

Esther and Babington

I am going to start the the happy part of the episode. Over the season I have loved watching Esther and Babington’s interactions with each other. They have great banter with each other but more than anything else I loved the way Babington was able to make Esther smile. We have been waiting all season for the moment we would get to see Esther finally accept that she was worthy of Babington’s love and to agree to marry him. The first thing I want to talk about in regards to this relationship is where Esther is at mentally when the episode starts. In the previous episode she had just had her heart shattered by Edward. She had this realisation that while she loved him more than anything else he loved money more than her. I think this shattered her world apart. Edward is now disowned and she feels this loss, despite how atrociously he treated her. During this episode I do feel like Esther is trying to work through and heal from this loss/grief that she is feeling. It is almost like she is in mourning for the death of her first love and the person she had thought Edward was but also for the person she was. I do feel like this episode was very much a transition for Esther. What is really interesting to me (and I’m not sure if this was deliberate or not but I like to think it was) is that we actually see Esther going through the stages of mourning etiquette throughout the episode. When we first see her in the episode she is dressed all in black and as we learn from Lady D has removed herself from society. This is her in full or deep mourning. This is when we get hers and Babington’s first scene in the episode I actually really liked how at the moment Babington is announced to Esther and Lady D you can see Esther first freeze in her piano playing like she is surprised he is there and then she is fighting back a smile. It tells us that she is pleased that he has come though she is trying to keep up the pretense that she is indifferent. Of course she continues with this pretense during the carriage ride but once again she can’t resist enjoying herself in his company. That’s one of the wonderful things about this relationship the fact that Babington is able to bring this softer more joyful side of Esther out. When she is with him she has a much more free and life loving attitude. I think this is really shown in that carriage ride scene which was one of my favourite moments of the episode. I just can’t describe how good it felt to see Esther with that much joy on her face to see her enjoying life that much. One thing I do think was very significant in that scene was when Babs hands Esther the reins. I do think this reinforces what Babs says later in the episode about how he doesn’t want to control or confine Esther. Its symbolic obviously but I do think its little moments like that that really show how a man views a woman. And well good old Babington is doing it right. 

The next time we see Esther she is wearing a light grey gown and is ready for the ball. Again this choice of a light grey gown is interesting because its the colours one would wear in half mourning. I think this symbolises that she is on her way to moving on from Edward but she still isn’t quite there. Then as we know at the ball Edward shows up exposes her and their relationship to all. I felt so awful for Esther in this scene because she went from looking so happy when dancing with Babington to just devastated when Edward shows up. She must have been feeling so many different emotions here. One the shame of being exposed but also because Edward was saying everything she had previously wanted him to say. He is telling her that he was a fool and that he loves her and is begging her to say she still loves him too. But its all too late for one and also Esther knows that he doesn’t truly mean the words. She knows now that he is again trying to manipulate her but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. She still loves him she has just come to the terrible realisation that he is no good for her and thats an awful place to be; to love someone you know will only bring you pain but still be unable to stop loving them. The only thing Esther can do in that moment is run and hide. I do want to give a quick shout out to Lady D though. Because I loved her so much when after Mrs Griffiths urges her not to judge Esther too harshly her reply is ‘I don’t judge her at all.’ I just loved that. One thing I do want to see in season 2 is more development of Esther and Lady D’s relationship because I think they could actually become quite close and I do enjoy their scenes together. 

Anyway back on track. After Edward’s outburst we get that really glorious scene where Esther believes that Babington couldn’t possible want to marry her now but he responds in the greatest possible way. I actually feel like Esther is quite the tragic character and we see that in this scene more than any other. In this scene you can really see the damage Edward has done. I mean he manipulated her for years. He made her promises about their future and how they were going to have this amazing life together when really all he cared about was the money. He would dissuade her from considering any potential suitors so that he could keep her in his grasp and yet he had no issues with taking lovers himself. He did seem to view her as his property. Unfortunately until Babington Esther’s first and only example of love was Edward. His treatment of her has led her to believe that she is unworthy of love, that every man will seek to own and control her. This is why she is in such disbelieve when Babington says he doesn’t want to own her, that all he wants is to walk through life with her and make her happy. It’s so sad when you see the look of utter confusion on her face at his statement because she just can’t comprehend why he loves her and wants to marry her. But it is also so satisfying to see her finally take that leap of faith and accept his marriage proposal. Also that kiss was perfect. I mean his initial shock because he just can’t believe this is happening and the way she brushes her nose against his and their smiles. I was squealing.   

Next we have their wedding scene. Obviously here Esther is wearing a white gown but I do think this also symbolises her coming out of ‘mourning’. When a Widow is out of mourning that is when it becomes acceptable for her to look for a suitable husband again and remarry. I do feel like although Esther may not be completely over Edward she is definitely over the worst of it. She’s ready now to embrace the love Babington is giving her. Their wedding scene was so beautiful and again I just adored how happy they looked. Also Lady D was hilarious in those scenes talking about how she wants the tiara back after the ceremony. Lady D also seemed to be in good spirits which was a nice change. 

I do think that as season 2 goes on we will see Esther finally realise that she is in love with her husband. I know she has claimed in this episode that she does not love him and that she believes that she could not ever love him the way he loves her but I actually think she might already be in love with him. I think her experiences with Edward have made her afraid to love and so she cannot accept that she might be in love with Babington. Also as I said before her only example of love is Edward and I think the love she feels for him is different from the love she feels for Babington so she is struggling to recognise it. 

The last scene we get to see them in is the morning after their wedding when they are in bed together. This is another scene I thought was really beautiful. Slightly wierd here maybe but I do have to say that I loved Esther’s hair in this scene. But the whole set up of the scene was very romantic with her hair flowing and lose and the sun rays coming in through the window. They both just look so content and the best word I can think of to describe the scene is soft. I know I spoke a lot about Esther in this section but that is because I do feel like the purpose of this relationship was more about Ether’s story and her growth. That being said I do want to say a quick word about Babington. This man is just too good for this world. I also think he was the only man who was going to be able to bring about this growth in Esther, who was going to be able to break down her walls. I think it was remarkable the way he was able to just see her for who she really was as oppose to the facade she put up. I also love him for how accepting and supporting he was of her. Also of how he didn’t expect anything in return. Whether she accepted his proposal or not he still supported her and I just think that makes him one of the most lovable characters. So yeah I am really happy with what they did with this couple and I can’t wait to see more of them in season 2. 

Tom and Sanditon’s Fate. 

Hold on to your bonnets people because what I’m about to say next may shock you. I don’t hate Tom Parker. I mean don’t get me wrong I hate what he did. I hate that he didn’t insure the work and I hate hate hate what that lead to as a result. For me Tom is a character that is incredibly flawed however I do think he is a redeemable character. I just can’t hate him because I know how much he loves his wife and his family and I do think he has redeeming qualties. Now I understand why so many people are very anti tom right now because he did royally screw up and I can see why people feel like he wasn’t punished at all and everyone else had to make sacrifices for him. But I am going to go on his defence just a little here, well sort of. To me Tom is a man who is very passionate and very determined but who struggles with asking for help when he is in trouble. Mary herself confessed this trait of his to Charlotte, I think it was in episode 3. Mary says ‘I fear my husband, like most men, is reluctant to accept help from anyone. At least you should never let him catch you in the act.’ It is this trait of Tom’s that has gotten him into so much trouble. Alot of his money issues this season could have been more easily resolved if he had asked for help sooner, he has a habit of only asking for help when he is truly desperate and it seems like the only one he ever really does ask for help from is Sidney. I think I can relate to him alot here. My family has told me on several occasions that I need to ask for help when I need it sooner. I have in the past gotten myself into trouble because I have been too ashamed and too stubbon to ask for help, I’ve tried to get myself out of the situation only for it to progressively get worse. Maybe its the fact that I have gone through this experience myself and learnt from it that makes me have a little more sympathy for Tom. By no means do I think what he did was right, he was a complete numpty to put it mildly and he put his family in danger as well as himself when he made that gamble. But I do believe that he can learn from this.

The other issue I think alot of viewers had was that they don’t feel like Tom was punished at all and that he didn’t seem to learn from it. I am in two minds about this because yes I can see where people are coming from there; it did seem like out of everyone he was the one that came out of it best. But I do think that he was very much affected by what happened and the mistakes he made. I think this shows in the scene where he is in the church and talking to Mary about how he has let everyone down. In that moment he knows that if he is ruined then so too are his family, he has a lot of guilt about this and I don’t think he’s going to be rushing to make a similar mistake again, I do think he learned from his mistake. As for punishment well for a character like Tom his punishment was knowing that his family’s entire future was at stake and not being able to do anything about it, having to let others fix it for you. Trust me when I tell you that there is no more torturous punishment then having something you truly cherish be at risk but not being able to do anything to remedy it yourself. To have to just sit and wait, for it to be in somebody else’s hands, it makes you stress and worry and wonder what the hell is going on but more than that it makes you feel useless and like a failure. This is especially true in Tom’s case. This is his punishment the knowledge that not only did he fail but he was incapable to fix it himself, that he was less than. I know some might not consider it much of a punishment but believe me when you are someone like Tom who must always be in control and know what is going on, when you’re someone who hates asking for help and when you are someone who measures their worth against how well they succeed it can be one of the very worst of punishments. 

I also saw alot of anger at the fact that Tom didn’t seem to realise how much Sidney had sacrificed to help him. But bear with me for just a moment and put yourself in Tom’s shoes, look at it from his prespective. We have to remember that Tom still believes that Sidney is in love with Eliza. Tom probably couldn’t believe his luck, not only are all his financial issues solved, Sanditon is saved and his dear brother who has saved him gets to marry the love of his life after a decade of waiting. Also its quite possible that Tom doesn’t know that marrying Eliza was part of a deal to get the money. I think its much more likely that Sidney spun it as I’m getting married to Eliza and oh by the way she’s offered to pay off the debt. Tom is currently in a blissful ignorance and has no clue that Sidney has long fallen out of love with Eliza and is now in love with Charlotte. I know this is something else that some people had problems with, that Tom is Sidney’s brother and so should have noticed that Sidney and Charlotte were in love. But here’s the thing as much as we as the audience like to romanticise it and believe that anyone with eyes must know that Sidlotte are deeply in love the reality is that very few characters in the show do. Most of them only found out in the last couple of episodes. Think about it, the first to find out was Lady Susan and she didn’t notice it from their interactions she figured it out from the way Charlotte was talking about him. The next two people to find out were Stringer and Eliza who were both in love or infatuated with one of the pair. Them being in love with one of the couple means they would be paying very close attention to the other person more so than a normal person would and so is naturally more likely to notice the small interactions between Sidlotte. Then in the last episode Georgiana, Mary and Babington find out. Georgiana only found out because Charlotte practically confessed to being in love with Sidney and Mary figured it out when she saw Sidney and Charlotte’s interaction about going into town. Which is an interaction that Tom didn’t see and Babington figures it out when he notices that Sidney hasn’t taken his eyes off her all night. So when you think about it out of all of Sanditon there are only 6 people who know about Sidney and Charlotte. They were not open about their relationship so it seems a bit harsh to me to judge Tom for not knowing when so many others were also unaware including Arthur and Diana who are also Sidney’s siblings. Also I don’t think that Mary would have told Tom about Sidney and Charlotte despite knowing herself. I don’t think she would have said anything before the fire because she was probably waiting for a formal proposal between them. She might have wanted them to be the ones to share the good news with Tom themselves. Also after the fire and Sidney’s proposal I don’t think she would have wanted to upset and cause her husband pain. Because I do believe that when Tom does eventually find out that Sidlotte are in love with each other and that Sidney gave up his chance at happiness to save his brother, he is going to be devastated. Tom’s family means the world to him you can see that in his interactions with them. So the knowledge that one of his brothers is suffering so much because of something Tom did well I think its going to destroy Tom. I do think in season 2 we are going to see Tom struggle with this. I think that is when we will really see his punishment. My hope for him in season 2 is that he comes to accept the mistake he has made and truly learn from it. I don’t neccessarily want him to step back from the Sanditon project but I would like to see him take on a partner who has equal say in all the decisions and helps Tom manage the finances of the project. I think him taking on this partner would show huge character growth and show that he is working on accepting help and admitting he can’t do it all himself. I do think Sidney would be a good candidate here because he seems to be the most sensible of the brothers and has alot of connections. But what I would really love to see is all three Parker brothers working on it together. I actually think Arthur would be good for the project financially speaking as him revealing that he has hardly touched his inheritance to me shows that he knows how to save money and how to manage it, I actually think the three of them together could be quite the dream team. You would have Tom’s vision and passion, Sidney’s connections and Arthur’s money sense. 

The other thing I want to touch on real quick is that Mary too seems to have gotten some harsh judgements from the fandom. Again I understand the frustration she knew about Sidney loving Charlotte and yet she didn’t stop him from getting engaged to Eliza or tell him to break off the engagement. But here’s how I see it, for one she is a woman which sadly in those days meant that she would have had very little say in business matters, so as much as I am sure Sidney may take her advice into consideration at the end of the day I don’t believe that her simply telling him not to do it would have stopped Sidney, he cares too much for his brother and his family. Secondly Mary has four young children, one of which is a baby to think about. Her husband going to debtors prison means they will be thrown into poverty and in those times poverty meant you may struggle to feed your children. Mary takes no pleasure in these circumstances, she knows that they are in the worst possible situation but at the end of the day a mother is always going to put her children first, as much as it hurts her to see Sidlotte broken hearted it’ll hurt a lot more to see her children hungry. Thirdly it was too late. Sidney didn’t inform them that he was planning on asking Eliza to marry him, they didn’t recieve word from him while he was in London. The first time they hear about it is when Sidney comes back and tells them. But here’s the thing by this time Sidney is formally and publically engaged. Breaking an engagement comes with consequences. To break an engagement would blacken Sidney’s character, it would put a stain on his reputation. I know some will say but Eliza broke an engagement. Yes she did but when she did she created a scandal around herself. She just considered it worth it for the money. We know it caused a scandal because Lady Susan makes the comment about knowing all about Lady C. Which shows that people are still talking about it a decade later. My point is by the time Mary discovers that Sidney is engaged there is nothing she can do about it. If she had known before the engagement then yes maybe she could have tried to talk him out of it but not after. Sidney is essentially trapped at this point because backing out would damage his reputation. Even if they somehow miraculously came by 80,000 pounds growing on a money tree Sidney would still be obligated to marry Eliza. 

So the last thing I want to talk about in this section is the whole why didn’t they find another way of getting the money because there were other people who were wealthy. Lady Susan, Georgiana and Lord Babington for example. I will admit that I too was hoping that one of these three would come to the rescue but having thought on it I can see why that wouldn’t have made any sense at this point in the story. Alot of this can be answered by one thing. Tom’s mistake was bad, it was really really bad and if it was public knowledge that he had not insured the work and that he had essentially lost not only his but Lady D’s money by taking a gamble, well he would be more than just financially ruined. His reputation would be too. It would be a scandal. Unfortunately in those days a scandal effected the whole family. It wouldn’t be just Tom that would be ruined it would be his wife and children, his brothers, his sister. They all would have shared in his downfall. Reputation was everything. Public opinon mattered. If you had a bad reputation then for the men that meant no one would want to do business with you. This would have extended to Sidney as well, his own business prospects would have been damaged along with Tom’s. For the woman it means they may not be able to find husbands, or those who are already married like Mary may find she is ostracised from polite society. So Sidney did not go to London and ran about the place telling everyone ‘oh yeah Tom didn’t insure the work, what a silly sausage huh, don’t suppose you’ve got 80,000 pounds we can have to keep him out of debtor’s prison.’ Nope he would have been trying to be discreet. He would be doing everything in his power to make sure people didn’t find that out. It is possible that news of the fire would have reached London. I suspect the plan was for Sidney to say something like we’re repairing Sanditon but we want to make it even bigger and better than it was before would you like to invest. I suspect he was looking for several investors who could each put a bit of money in. However I think by the time it got to the end of the week that Lady D gave him he either didn’t have any investors or didn’t have enough of them. I think Eliza probably put two and two together as I feel like she probably has a good sense of the Parker family from their previous engagement. She saw an oppotunity and used it to her advantage. She offered the full amount in exchange for his hand in marriage. 

As for the other three people they could of asked. None of them were realistic either. Babington even if he was willing to put the money in I don’t think has enough. 80,000 is a huge amount. To put it in prespective Mr Bingly who was considered to be someone of fortune in pride ad prejudice only had 5,000 a year. I’m not sure how much Babington does have but I’m pretty sure its not enough.  Also Sidney isn’t the kind of person who would expect his friend to pay for his brothers mistake. Even if Babington did offer to help I think Sidney would still have had to find someone else to put up the rest of the money and as he had so much trouble with it before I don’t think he would have found anyone. Also as much as they are friends when I say they were trying to keep Tom’s situation quiet I mean really quiet its likely the only people who knew were the Parker family and Charlotte who at this point lets be honest pretty much is considered one of the Parkers by the family. So I don’t think Sidney would even have told Babington about the situation. Also I saw some comments about how Babs is even richer now because he is married to Esther but the thing is she isn’t wealthy we learnt that very early on in the season. She is the sole heir of Lady D’s money but Lady D’s not dead yet and her money has been lost by Tom so thats not really an option either. 

As for Lady Susan and why Charlotte didn’t ask her. Well at the time the disaster happened Charlotte didn’t know that Sidney marrying Eliza was an option. She believed that Sidney was going to London to sort it all out and then when he came back he was going to ask her to marry him. She wouldn’t have considered it her place to interfer in that. Sidney himself says he doesn’t know how he’s going to fix it. The point I’m making is we the audience all have the power of hindsight. The characters don’t. We can sit here and say oh if they had gone to Lady Susan then Sidney wouldn’t have had to have got engaged to Eliza, Susan would have done it to make sure Charlotte and Sidney were happy. And yes I do think if Susan had known that prior to the engagement she would have offered the money. But as I said nobody knew that Tom’s problem with the debt was going to effect Charlotte and Sidney. Also Sidney wouldn’t have asked Lady Susan himself as they are barely aquainted. The delicate nature of the situation meant he likely would have stuck with the contacts he already had as he wouldn’t have wanted it to become widely known that Sanditon and by extension his brother was facing finiancial difficulties. 

Georgiana’s inheritance is another option, one that I myself in a spat of desperation brought up. But now that I have had time to think about it again at this point in the story it wouldn’t have made sense. For one Sidney is Georgiana’s guardian and responsible for her money until she comes of age, it would have been very wrong of him to use her money without her permission. That’s her money. Also I don’t think Sidney asked her because he’s got no reason to believe that she would be willing to help him and his family. We can’t forget that Georgiana and Sidney do not have the greatest relationship right now so why would she be willing to help him. Yes I think if she knew it would cost Charlotte her happiness then Georgiana might have helped but as I’ve said this situation at the time that they were looking for the money wasn’t about Charlotte’s happiness or Sidlotte, it wasn’t about stopping Sidney from getting engaged because nobody knew that was going to happen. I truly do believe it was a case of Sidney ran out of time. We have to remember that he was only given a week which isn’t really alot of time at all. I think he got to the end of the week and had no more options by this point so he had no choice but to make that deal with Eliza. So again if Sidney had asked for the money it would only have been for Tom’s sake not to stop an unwanted engagement and Georgiana has no reason to want to help Tom. So again that narrative wouldn’t have made sense within the storyline.

Unfortunately I do think that the combination of the situation being so delicate they had to be more reserved in their attempts at finding the money coupled with the fact that no one could have forseen (I’m talking characters here I know the audience saw it coming a mile off) Eliza’s offer and how that would put Sidney between a rock and a hard spot I fear Sidlotte was just doomed and there was no other way out for them.   

Sidlotte

Ok in this part I am actually going to start with the heartbreaking part first because this middle section of my review is starting to get really depressing, at least this way we can end it on a more positive note. So obviously the whole Sidney being engaged to Eliza really sucks. I said in a previous post that I don’t blame Sidney for his decision I really do think it was just a case of he ran out of time, he was in a difficult and stressful situation and felt he had no choice. I do however think that Sidney blames himself. I think he is carrying alot of guilt and I think he is very heartbroken. I do think he believes he has done the same thing Eliza did to him to Charlotte and in a way yes he has in that he has chosen someone else for their money. However I personally think that on closer inspection the two situations are very different which is why Eliza is presented to us as more of a villian while Sidney is a tragic victim of circumstance. Here’s the difference between the two situations and why I think it matters. First off its important to note that Sidlotte were not formally engaged. Yes there was an understanding between the two of them that he intended to make her a proposal but technically he had made no formal promise to her. However Sidney and Eliza were formally engaged before she broke it off to marry a richer man. As I’ve said earlier formal engagements are taken very seriously its pretty much like you are married already and to break an engagement was very much looked down on. Also while I don’t know the circumstances of why Eliza married a richer man and whether it was because she needed to or just because she wanted the money we do know the circumstances of why Sidney did, he needed to help his brother, his actions while abit grey morally were done selflessly. Also in previous Austen adaptions when someone marries for money usually we are informed as to why they have like for example Willoughby (sense and sensibilty) marries the richer Miss Grey because his aunt has disowned him leaving him without a fortune. However we are given no explanation as to why Eliza chose to marry for money so I think we are suppose to assume she just was that shallow that she cared more about money. They do seem to be writing her that way as someone who cares for materialistic things, an example of this is the fact that she wants such an elaborate wedding and seems to scoff at the smaller simpler country wedding that Esther and Babs had. So while the two situations are similar I don’t think they are the same. Eliza willingly left him for another man simply because he had more money while Sidney has very much been trapped into it. 

In regards to how Charlotte reacts to the situation I do have to say it makes me love her all the more. She is so understanding despite the fact that her heart has been broken. I must admit though in that scene where he has caught up with her carriage and he asks ‘Tell me you don’t think too badly of me.’ For a moment I did think that she was going to answer. ‘I don’t think too badly of you, I don’t think of you at all.’ But I am glad that she didn’t because I don’t think it would have been true to Charlotte’s character. As for why I don’t think Charlotte thinks too badly of him I think its because she knows the only reason he has done this is for his brother. It made me think of the conversation between her and Stringer where Stringer asks why his dad had to be so stubbon and she replies ‘because that’s who he was, it’s what you loved him for.’ I do think this can also be applied to Sidlotte in this instance. Sidney is a man who will do anything for his brother and part of that is down to the fact that Charlotte encouraged him in that. It’s who he is and its what Charlotte loves him for. This is why she can’t be angry with him. She knows that he didn’t do this to hurt her, it wasn’t a case of he didn’t love Charlotte anymore, and she knows he would have done everything else he possibly could’ve before coming to this decision. For me as heartbreaking as the scene where he tells her about the engagement was I actually found myself crying alot more at that scene where they say goodbye at the carriage. I mean can we put are hands together for Rose and Theo because damn that acting was phenomenal. I really believed their heartbreak and there were so many varying emotions in their expressions. The part where he confesses he doesn’t love Eliza and Charlotte asks him not to talk like that really got to me because you can see that for Charlotte as hard as it is for her to be without Sidney the idea that he will be miserable for the rest of his life is a worse pain to her. She is so selfless that she wants him to love Eliza because she wants more than anything for him to be happy and this is what makes her different from Eliza and as Stringer put it twice the woman Eliza is. For me one thing I hate Eliza for is the fact that she knows that Sidney loves Charlotte and yet she still insisted on his hand in marriage. If she didn’t know about them I might have been more sympathetic towards her but the fact that she does just shows how selfish she is. Whereas Charlotte wants Sidney to be happy even over her own happiness Eliza only cares about what she wants. That’s what makes her the villian over Tom for me. As much as Tom screwed things up for Sidlotte he did it unknowingly. Eliza knew exactly what she was doing and then had the audacity to be smug about it and make a dig at Charlotte about her country background again. 

The thing is Sidney’s response when Charlotte says ‘you must try to make her happy’ tells us alot of how he sees this situation with Eliza. He says ‘yes I must keep up my end of the bargain.’ He is literally looking at his marriage to Eliza as a business arrangement and I can’t help but wonder what kind of a woman is ok with that. Eliza may think she has won but at the end of the day she’s going to be tied to a husband who does not love her and never will, he will spend the rest of their marriage pining after another woman and I struggle to understand why Eliza would want that. There is one thing that I find kind of ironic. I was rewatching episode 7 and I came to that scene where Lady Susan, Sidlotte and Eliza were talking about marriage and Eliza makes that comment about how Charlotte should be limited to her villiage because she thinks marriage is helped by having a common background. The thing is when you look at Charlotte and Sidney’s backgrounds they were very different. Charlotte has grown up in the country in a kind of sheltered upbringing. She’s not gone far from home before, she seemed very much to be the caretaker of the family, helping her parents with the children. From what we know she hasn’t been in love before and all in all has a very naive, dreamy, romanticised view of the world. She is clearly keen to experience adventure having been secluded to her home villiage so far. Sidney on the other hand has alot more life experience and has seen alot more of the world and so knows the difficulties of it. He knows that people can scheme and that sometimes people aren’t always what they seem. He has seen the cruelties us humans can inflict on each other. He has fallen in love and then had his heart broken which is given him a much harsher view of the world. However since coming to Sanditon Charlotte has experienced alot more. The whole storyline with Otis and to some extent Clara and Edward has shown her that not all people are as they seem. The treatment and then abduction of Georgiana has shown her how cruel some people can be to others and how prejudice. She has fallen in love. She now matches Sidey’s background alot more than she did at the start of the season. The ironic part is that the final thing they didn’t have in common is that Charlotte had never experienced heartbreak like Sidney had, in this they did not match. That was until Eliza’s own schemeing lead to Sidney having to break Charlotte’s heart and chose a wealthier woman over her a similar situation as to which he himself experienced. It’s just hilarious to me that Eliza has unwittingly given Sidney and Charlotte a common background something that by her own estimation is something that is needed in a successful marriage. The part that I find even more amusing is the fact that if anything Eliza is the one who doesn’t have a common background with Sidney. Where as he has had that heartbreak I don’t feel like Eliza really did. I know she claims that she had waited ten years to be with him again but it didn’t seem that sincere to me. I do feel like she’s had a fairly easy time of it surrounded by her riches whereas Sidney has had alot of struggles in those ten years. So yeah I actually think in making this situation Eliza has kind of brought about her own downfall. 

Ok doom and gloom part over now I want to talk about happy stuff. Ok first up that walk on the cliffside before the kiss was soo adorable. Like how awkardly shy they both were and bless Sidney’s lil socks, the way he was stumbling over his words. He is clearly very smitten and it was just so adorably cute. Now of course we need to talk about the important part. That Kiss. I loved it. It was perfect. So lets look at it in great detail. I love the way he says her name first, its just so soft and you can here the love in his voice and he is looking at her so tenderly. You can just tell that he is studying every little detail on her face, like he wants to memorize it. She’s the same though a little shyier and when she says ‘yes?’ you can tell that she’s in that dreamy stage, she just can’t take her eyes off him and her head is all foggy and she’s feeling all these new feelings for the first time. And they’re getting closer and closer, then the kiss itself I nearly died of happiness. Also the set up of it was so so romantic. With them up on the cliff and that beautiful view behind them. How her hair is blowing in the wind and how the camera circles around them and the music, the music was so beautiful. I mean it was the epitome of a romantic kiss. I also loved that little moment when Sidney breaks the kiss and Charlotte moves back in and brushes her lips against his because she just needs more. I also love how close they stay after the kiss with their foreheads touching and their noses. I could literally talk about this kiss forever. However unfortunately we don’t have time for that.

So now its time for the ball. Bless them both they kept trying so hard to get alone together and they just kept getting interrupted. I actually found it quite amusing. It definitely upped the anticipation. I also liked that Mary had that conversation with Charlotte before the ball about how Tom proposed to her at a ball because it again added to that anticipation. Also loved how they couldn’t take their eyes off each other. I espeicially enjoyed the little scene where Sidney was just watching Charlotte dance with such love on his face. I’ll never get over the way they look at each other. Obviously the highlight of the ball scene was that moment on the balcony. I loved that he brought up the last time they were on the balcony and apologised for the way he spoke to her. I think it shows a lot of character growth and if there is one thing I love seeing in tv shows its character growth. There was so much that was great about this scene, the way they held each others hands and how Sidney was stroking hers. I also love that she said he was the same man but improved. I like that she didn’t think that he needed to become a different man altogether to be worthy of her. She loves him for who he is. I also loved that he said that him becoming a better man was down to her, her love was what brought out the best in him which is what love does. I also believe that Sidney brings out the best in Charlotte too and that’s what makes them so compatible. Of course we all know that he was going to propose at that moment but sadly Edturd (and yes that is a deliberate mis-spelling of his name) just had to interrupt them. Not that I am at all bitter about that. 

The other scene between them that I actually really thought was sweet was the scene when Charlotte was seeing Sidney off to London. It did very much remind me of a wife seeing off her husband. Also I love how he brings her in so close to him and its so obvious that he wants to kiss her and so obvious that she wants him to kiss her. It was just a really sweet scene that on second watch takes on a bit of a bittersweetness because we know how its going to turn out. But I still have hope for Sidlotte. This is very obviously not the end and I think that Lady D’s line of ‘I’ll wager we’ll see you walking down the ailse very soon Miss Heywood, What do you think Mr Parker’ was more directed at the audience. At first it felt like a bit of a kick in the stomach especially because of the looks of sadness on their faces and how Sidney looks away because he just can’t bare it. But then when I thought about it I actually think this is the writers way of saying don’t give up, that there’s still hope. I think it was very significant that Lady D called on Sidney for an answer there. So yeah Sidlotte are endgame and nothing can convince me otherwise. 

Where do we go from here.

This is the last section you’ll be relieved to read. Here I want to talk about what I think will happen in season two. Obviously there are a few issues that need to be fixed. Firstly we have the issue of if Sidlotte are going to get back together they kinda need to be in the same place. At the moment Charlotte is back home so the question is how do they get her back to Sanditon. Well I don’t think they will. Mainly because I don’t think Sidney is going to be in Sanditon I think he’s going to be London. One because we have seen him go back and forth quite a bit this season and to me it seemed as if his main place of resisdence is London. Also Eliza talked about how they were having a London wedding and she doesn’t seem like the type to me to enjoy being in Sanditon all that much so I suspect first chance she gets she’ll be dragging Sidney back there. Also I think some of the other characters will also be going back there. At the end of the finale Diana and Arthur seemed to be travelling back to London as well. Also Georgiana has been going on and on about wanting to be back in London so it is possible that now that Charlotte is gone Sidney might concede and let Georgiana come back so he can keep a closer eye on her. So despite the show’s title I actually think that for the first few episodes at least it will be set in London. 

Now who do we know in London who might want to invite Charlotte to visit them. Oh yeah Lady Susan. I reckon she’s going to hear about the engagement and be like hell nah not on my watch. I then think she’ll invite Charlotte to come and spend some time with her in London putting Charlotte and Sidney in the same place again. Prepare for lots of longing looks. I also think that Lady Susan in going to play an Emma type role here. In that she will scheme and meddle and play match maker to her heart’s content.   

So now that we’ve got the characters all in the same place we need to solve the other problem. I have mentioned several times in this review that the fact that Sidney is formally engaged to Eliza makes it hard for him to break the engagement off. But in order for Sidlotte to get together the engagement has to be broken. I don’t think that Sidney and Eliza will actually get married I think that might be taking it too far. To my knowledge (and do correct me if I’m wrong) but Austen has never done that before. Her main characters have had engagements before that have broken but I don’t believe she has ever had them actually marry someone else and then get together. Also the only way really that Sidlotte would be able to get together if they had gotten married would be for Eliza to die and I don’t know that just doesn’t sit well with me. For me the engagement has to end before they are married. The other issue is not only does it need to end but in order to keep Sidlotte’s love as untainted as possible it needs to be done in a way that doesn’t lessen Sidney’s character. By that I mean it needs to be done in a way where Sidney cannot be blamed for it. There are two ways in which they could do this. The first is that Eliza has to do something that is so bad that it would be acceptable for Sidney to break the arrangement. For example if Eliza were caught having an affair. Now this is possible, I could see Lady Susan manipulating the situation and then making sure it was exposed. But in my opinion I think they are more likely to go the second route. In the books Lady D has actually been widowed twice. Her first husband gave her a fortune and her second a title. However in the show we’ve only ever heard her speak of one husband. Now it could just be a case of the writers didn’t see any need to mention it but one line sticks out to me. That is when Lady D is talking about how it is better to be loved than to love and Ether asks if she’s talking about her own experiences. Lady D says that line ‘oh not with my husband.’ To me if she had more than one husband then the line should have been ‘oh not with either of my husbands.’ I personally think that they might actually give that storyline to Eliza. They have already put alot of emphasis on how she married for money and how she is now a widow. So I suspect she will be tempted by the prospect of a title. Now if only there were a character in this show who had a title but not a lot of money and is known to scheme in order to get his hands on alot of money. Oh wait Edturd Damnhim. Yup I suspect that Edward is going to seduce Eliza and tempt her with his title and she will forsake Sidney for Edward most likely running off in the middle of the night to wed in the most shocking of manners. High society will just be all a buzz and that poor Sidney Parker has been most grievously mistreated once again by that Eliza woman he should find himself a nice young lady like Miss Heywood to settle down with. I do also think that this situation may come about not just because of Edward’s schemeing but Lady Susan’s too. After all someone has to put the idea in his head. I also think that Lady Susan may have some help with her plan and I think this may come from Georgiana. Sidney and Georgiana’s relationship is still something that needs to be resolved. I do think after it has been that Georgiana upon seeing both her guardian and friend’s misery will try to help bring them back together.

There is another reason why I think that Georgiana might help. Anyone who read my theory post will know that I didn’t think that the wedding scene was going to be Esther and Babs. This was largely based on the scene at the end of the opening credits that depicted a wedding with Georgiana prominent in the scene. Now the thing thats been bugging me since the episode is that this scene still doesn’t fit in anywhere. Although there was a wedding and Georgiana was shown as being there she didn’t play any significant role in that scene. Now it could just be they got to the end of the credits and realised they hadn’t depicted Georgiana anyway so was like just draw her into the wedding scene. But I don’t think so I feel like they were way to accurate with everything else for that to be the case here. So I went back and I looked again. Now like I said they were very accurate in the other scenes including the colour and style of clothing they were wearing. However in the scene where Esther and Babs get married Georgiana is wearing a white dress with a yellow jacket. Yet in the credits she’s dressed in a blue dress. Then I looked even closer and noticed another significant detail. We know that Esther and Babs get married in summer. Its not long after the midsummer ball and the guests are dressed in lighter materials and more summer colours and well its sunny out. However the blue dress Georgiana is wearing has a fur collar. 

Also if you look at the other people they too seem to be in warmer clothes, thicker coats and warmer colours. My conclusion is this is a winter wedding, or at the very least Autumn. It’s taking place in colder weather. Therefore this can’t be depicting Esther and Babs wedding. So I actually think this is a clue for season 2. I still think it could be Sidlotte’s wedding. It’s possible that the reason why Georgiana is the prominent in this moment is because she was instrumental in bringing it about. What I don’t want it to be though is that its Sidney and Eliza’s wedding and the reason why Georgiana is standing in this scene is because she’s about to object and reveal some scandalous reason why these two may not be wed. For me this is a troupe thats has just been overused and is a bit too predictable. 

Ok so far we have had Lady Susan invites Charlotte to London and most liklely keeps throwing her in the path of Sidney so their love can stay ignited, meanwhile she and Georgiana are convincing Edward to persue Eliza. Eliza unable to resist the temptation of being both rich and titled goes back on her deal with Sidney and runs off in the night to elope with Edward. Sidney and Charlotte grow back together. But there is a problem. With Eliza gone Sanditon, Tom and the Parker family are back where they started, on the brink of ruin. But never fear Lady Susan is here. Now it is possible that this issue will be resolved by Lady Susan just giving the money herself but I actually think it might go another way. Upon hearing of the broken engagement Tom and the Parkers in a desperate attempt decide to hold some kind of event to garner interest in Sanditon. Similar to the regatta. Naturally Lady Susan will attend and she will bring her friend the Prince Regent with her. I feel like they’ve mentioned him too much for him not to appear. Also Lady Susan did hint that she might bring him next time. Obviously the Prince Regent is going to fall in love with Sanditon and will endorse it. Now that they have the Prince Regent’s endorsement investors will start rolling in all wanting to cash in on the Prince Regent’s favourite resort, all the houses will be let and Sanditon will become the grandest most popular seaside resort just as Tom envision. Sidlotte will get married and they will all live happily ever after. Of course if they want to carry on with more seasons after that there is still plenty they could explore. The quirky characters that come to the resort, Sidlotte’s first child and Esther/Bab’s first child. Stringers journey to becoming a architect and him falling in love. Georgiana finding love. They could have Clara turn back up and make a nuisance of herself some how. Just so long as they don’t mess with my precious Sidlotte anymore it’s all good with me. 

So that’s it for now. I hope and really do believe we will get a season 2. As I said it was trending but also I do think the ratings were pretty good too. I hope we get an announcement soon and I wouldn’t say no to a christmas special either. I will say that now that I have gone back and watched it again I do think that this was a good episode. I do think it was a very good season 1 finale too. It has left me wanting more. What do you guys think? Are you feeling any better about the finale? Are you hoping for a season 2?  

[starryjyrus]

What Jyrus Means Too Me and Why I’ll Never Be Fully Won Over By Tyrus:

!!TW OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDE AND DISCUSSION OF MENTAL HEALTH!!

The Summer of 2017 was by far the best Summer I’ve ever had, it’s kind of a shame it was followed by the worst Summer I’ve ever had..

Anyway, back at that time I had been really into SmurfVlogs (still am, I’ve been watching him since about 2015-16 I’d say) anyway, everyone had been mourning the loss of Girl Meets World and he had announced on his channel that Disney planned on making a show similar to GMW and that the pilot had been released on YouTube, I became hella curious especially when I had heard the rumor that there was a possibility of a gay main character and that there was supposedly going to be a gay love triangle between Cyrus/Andi/Jonah, this definitely peaked my interest considering Disney, outside of Good Luck Charlie and a few other cameo like characters/relationships spotted in different movies/series, like Finding Dory, hadn’t really had that. And a MAIN character? Possibly TWO main characters being LGBT? I obviously had to watch. I of course heard other things that made the series look good, ie the Teenage Pregnancy storyline, the diversity in casting and more, but this is what sold me. Thus started my obsession.

Anyway, I watched the show. I watched the first episode on YouTube and continued watching after that, I remember the break in between the middle of season 1 that was only like two weeks, I remember seeing missing scenes in the show that wasn’t in the original promo (their was a shot of the coming out scene in the season one promo, if it wasn’t obvious to some episode 1 of season 2, or at least the first half, was originally the episode 13 of season 1) and I remember the speculation around that and the reasoning as to why they had cut that scene out.

I was in love with it. The whole storyline was just so pure and the relationship between Jonah and Cyrus was the single best thing I’ve ever witnessed. I made a fan account on Insta for it, a Tumblr, edits and so much more. The whole community was so beautiful and it was so much fun and wholesome. I’d watch the show and remember how amazing the world could be, how something like the ‘friendom’ could exist haha. I was getting older and I know it seemed weird (I was going into my Sophomore year, possibly just ending my Freshman year of school when I started watching) to be so invested in a CHILDS show but I couldn’t help it. It was an escape from reality. A place with positivity and happiness which at that time I desperately needed.

I made some of my best memories of my life during that time of the show premiering and during the hiatus. And the majority was because of things in relation to Jyrus. I’ll never forget those times and what being connected into a fandom like that was like.

The friends, the edits, the Insta live-streams from casts, it was insane too see how happy they got from it all and how much of a new experience it was. Other things like the Asher ‘be you’ memes and Josh on here with his ‘persongoingfast’ tumblr made it great as well. Even if I’m not a big fan of Josh as a person now, due to reasons, (mainly with him seemingly making fun of or mocking Jyrus and stuff like that, considering I used to really look up to him and be a big fan to see belittle something I cared so deeply about hurt me on a level l cannot describe) him being so interactive then was still an amazing thing and helped make things so much more fun at that time, so thank you @joshua-rush for that. Sincerely.

Everything was so beautiful during that..until it lwasn’t.

My mental health got really bad due to some losses and such in my family around November of 2017 and I had to be hospitalized in a mental health facility for a few weeks. It was extremely scary but I found comfort in the place, mainly due to some fellow people inside that watched Andi Mack, relating to them and being able to talk about the show with people who actually watched it? It was incredible. No one up to that point (aside from my mom who I forced to watch with me) watched the show and could talk with me about it.

I got out and the support and concern I get from friends online was overwhelming, so many people cared about me while I was gone and worried about me. No one ever really did that, at least my friends didn’t, I remember opening my phone for the first time on the way back home when we stopped at a McDonalds and the amount of messages put me into tears. There were people online who I’ve never met and we only really knew each other through a ship and a show genuinely CARED about me? It was breathtaking. I have much more friends now that would be concerned and care about me, but at that time irl I really didn’t. And the fact so many did was unbelievable.

Everything slowly but surely was getting better and worse in some areas, my overall depression state was getting better, due to medication and such, but I had relapses a few times in bad areas like self harming as well. It was pretty back and forth for a while.

Then, the worst thing that could’ve happened, happened. A quick backstory is that I don’t live with my mom, I haven’t since 7th grade and instead have lived with my Great Aunt and Great Uncle. I was always very close to them for my entire life, especially my Great Uncle, he was for a long time the most important person in my life, he was like a father too me. Hell, he WAS my father for the majority of my life. And last year on July 11th, he had unfortunately passed away.

This was absolutely devastating and considering I already was struggling with mental health and depression in the first place..ya can probably guess the spiral that ensured.

For a while I was doing okay, and then one day I broke, it had been around the time of Cyrus confirming he no longer had a crush on Jonah and when everyone started to switch from Jyrus to Tyrus and Jyrus shipper hatred became pretty popular. People were sending a specific Jyrus shipper anons of saying they wished they’d die just because they shipped Jyrus, you couldn’t go on YouTube comment sections on videos about Jyrus because you had people shitting on it everywhere, people started commenting under Jyrus edits on Instagram about how Tyrus was better and how gross it was to ship Jyrus, I got DMs of people genuinely upset because I didn’t like Tyrus, I had friends leave the sites due to the bullying they were receiving, we had some Tyrus account going around saying Jyrus shippers were ped*philes, It was insane. Now, I of course was NO saint and I know I’ve done and said some messed up shit too and if I ever hurt anyone I am deeply sorry for that, it was not my intention. And I know Jyrus shippers are not all saints either but this was just out of control. Especially whenever it was hurting a lot of people who were innocent and making them feel wrong about something as little as shipping something.

And I had a mental breakdown. I had just lost the most important person in my life and now the place that I considered my safe haven was crumbling before my eyes and all I could do was watch. It was too much. I had people saying they wanted shippers like me dead, and finally I just couldn’t handle it and completely had a melt down. If you are already having thoughts like these and you have people reinforcing what you already thought and not making you feel like you belong, well, anywhere, it really does get too you.

I of course, came out alright. Thank you to the Tumblr creator that called the police that night for a lot of that.

I’m sorry this is so long but I’ve been holding this in for so long so please bare with me.

Anyway, I am doing much better now and I’m thankful to be here still. I’m learning to fight against the haters rather then take shit and bottle things up like I used too. I still have a lot of issues but since that awful night, I haven’t had any plans of suicide or many thoughts of it.

I’m going into my last year of high school and soon I’ll be a legal adult. It’s been such a ride to get here and honestly I never thought I would but I finally think I’m getting past all of the shit in my past and am moving on.

My main reason to make this post and to be so open about everything here was to try to explain a lot of why I’m always going to be for Jyrus and not so much for Tyrus. I have other issues then the fans when it comes to Tyrus, but it has always been a main one when it comes to me not wanting to ship it.

When I look at Jyrus, despite them being pure and amazing on their own, I see some of my last good memories, I see the best time of my life, I see a point where I felt the best and where everything was going really right too me, I see long lasting friends, I see beautiful edits, I see a community, I see love, I see loyalty and so much more.

But when I look at Tyrus, all I see is the bad memories I have associated with them and the shippers, in a lot of ways, Tyrus has been a huge source of my personal pain in life, I know it seems silly and it probably is, but I have such an emotional dependence on Jyrus and Tyrus messed me up in a lot of ways in regards to that. I lost the majority of my safe haven when they emerged as more then just a crack ship. All I see when I look at them is sadness and that’s all I’m probably going ever going to see.

I tried in numerous areas to get fully on board with the ship but I just can’t. I have no love for it in a way I do for Jyrus. It’s not a terrible ship, I know that, but throughout everything that has happened even if it had no flaws I don’t think I’d ever ship it a lot.

I know everyone has their own version of things and reasons why they ship what they ship or don’t ship what they ship or like some shippers but hate others, this is just my personal story on the matter and I hope it clears up some of why I act the way I do online sometimes and why I’m so defensive of the ship and shippers.

Sorry this was so weird, I just needed to get this off of my chest cause I’ve had it in there for so long and I needed to talk about it.

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Life on Intermission

So, for mental health reasons, I have decided to put my law studies on hold for six months while I gather myself. The thing I am supposed to be mostly doing is resting (which is the hardest thing in the world for me - I always need something to do). I think the main reason why it is difficult is because for the majority of my life I have had too much cortisol running through my body. When I was a kid (and teenager), I grew up in a tumultuous household with a narcissistic mother and an enabler for a father. I had to parent and counsel my mother day and night for her unresolved issues surrounding her own traumatic upbringing and stressful early life, which led to a transference of generational trauma from herself to me. I was both psychologically, (and one time) sexually abused by her. Adding to this, there was a constant money shortage, sometimes to the point of relying on food stamps, and I was bullied terribly at school. At 16 years of age, I was raped by a guy who had been my boyfriend of 3 months, and unceremoniously dumped shortly afterwards. I had to see him every day at school for the rest of my time there. The loneliness I felt, with both what was going on at home and what was going on at school, led me to try to take my own life with pills, but obviously, this was unsuccessful, because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. and unceremoniously dumped shortly afterwards. I had to see him every day at school for the rest of my time there. The loneliness I felt, with both what was going on at home and what was going on at school, led me to try to take my own life with pills, but obviously, this was unsuccessful, because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. and unceremoniously dumped shortly afterwards. I had to see him every day at school for the rest of my time there. The loneliness I felt, with both what was going on at home and what was going on at school, led me to try to take my own life with pills, but obviously, this was unsuccessful, because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse. because my parents came home early and I was rushed to the hospital unconscious and had my stomach pumped. My mother refused me a counselor and medication, so my depression (which was later diagnosed as Bipolar I) just got worse.

I graduated from school with a relatively good result, and thus was able to gain entry into the university program of my choice. Or rather, it was my parent's choice. I had won a few poetry competitions which had been published in some anthologies. I wanted to study creative writing, but my parents thought it would be better I learned something "more stable" (which is ironic), so I "decided" to study psychology, my third choice. Regardless, I thought this would be a way to start over, and leave the horrors of high school behind me. But because of my family's lack of money, it was impossible to move out on just the income I was getting from the casual job I had whilst supporting myself at university. And then, along came my first love, who I had a tumultuous relationship with. We were on again, off again for many months, in fact, many years. We first met in 2003, and parted ways for the last time at the beginning of 2006. In hindsight, I think he loved me, but just couldn't say it. At the time though, it was devastating. I moved states and universities to get away from the situation, first to Canberra (but I have followed me there), and then to Brisbane (but I have kind of followed me there too). 

I was able to make a life for myself in Brisbane for a time, despite still living with my parents (who had followed me up there), but then the loneliness I felt, mixed with being given the wrong meds, led to my first full -blown manic episode. I was spending money I didn't have, and wracking up a debt on 3 credit cards and 2 personal loans. In 2005, I tried to take my life again, which (again) was unsuccessful. Towards the tail end of this spending spree, I met my future husband. This was a brief reprieve. I decided to take a year off uni and work full-time to pay my debt back, and my future husband and I moved in together. Within 7 months, I was pregnant with our first son, and, even though I went back to university, I kept having to defer because of money issues. After giving birth, I went though a pretty bad bout of postpartum depression, 

In 2010, we got married, and things went well for a couple of months, until the financial situation became critical. We decided to move back to Norway, my husband's home country, despite me never even visiting, as he could get a better job there. I graduated with just one half of my double-degree, and off we went. Initially, things were good when we moved; I worked toward my master, learned the language, got a few jobs which allowed me to focus on practicing the language, and was of the impression that I would be able to study psychology in Bergen once I finished my language courses. But then, in 2012, I found out that I had been given the wrong information about this, and it was no longer an option. I wanted to leave, as there were no jobs available in my specialized area. I was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts for the first time ever in 2012, but there would be another 3 times after that over my time in Norway. In 2013, I gave birth to my second son, which was truly a joy, and for which I didn't get any postpartum depression, but, at that time, my actual Bipolar was bad enough. My husband's career was taking off, and I felt my problems were ignored, and that he was leaving me behind. We didn't move back to Australia (my home country) until 2017. Again, there was another promise of a fresh start.

After working with my degree for a few months, I decided to do my PhD, which was awful (I covered that in a previous post). I loved teaching and participating in conducting research, though. With my income from these gigs, and my husband's income, we were living the high life. Until the teaching dried up and my husband's company folded at the beginning of 2019. The pressure of all of this led me to be hospitalized again in the psychiatric ward 2019 for 3 months. Afterwards, as soon as I came out, I had to look for work, due to our dire financial situation. We had been in the throes of building a new house when times were good, and now we were in more debt than we had ever been. My husband found work, but was now earning half of what he was earning before. I've applied for 600 jobs before I've got to his first job interview. I ended up getting casual work, but couldn't find anything permanent, and it didn't pay enough. I started my law degree, which got off to a prosperous start, but I was also diagnosed with Lupus, which would explain why I not only felt mentally shit, but also physically shit. And that takes my biography more or less up to the present (with some stuff most likely left out).

But now, I am taking a break. I am, for the first time, deciphering what happened to me, trying to process all of the trauma, in order to become a better version of myself. Here are just some of the things I am doing during this coronavirus lockdown to self-improve:

^ Here is book I need to read whilst in the throes of finally finishing my first novel. It's only taken me 13 years. Not biggie. I need to procrastinate less. But also be less harsh on myself. I've had some really dark periods in-between that have lasted years. Sometimes, I just feel like I lose so much time when the depression is particularly bad. It makes me overdo myself when I actually feel OK for once.

^ This is a picture of my jewelery projects and couch-side workroom for when I am on hiatus. I'm going to try to get my jewelry business in order during my time off, but it's all about moderation, as my jewelry-making sometimes becomes obsessive because I get a rush of ideas. For example, yesterday I made 3 necklaces and 4 bracelets in a trance-like state. It might be impending mania, and I have to try to keep track of it, and approach it in a healthy way.

^ My fitness and health has been a personal concern of mine for a while now. Due to being diagnosed with Lupus last year, the sedentary life of being a student, and having to take mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics for my Bipolar, I have put on a little bit of weight that I want to shed, but because of the physical pain I experience due to the flares, sometimes it's difficult to do anything but light exercise. It's all about baby steps. Daily walks are also good for boosting my mood.

There is also a number of boxes awaiting my attention in the garage, which I suppose could be seen as symbolic of me unloading both emotional and literal unwanted baggage / rubbish. Its a long road, but at least I am finally taking the necessary steps for dealing with unresolved trauma and ridding myself of painful secrets that have haunted me for the longest time. All I have to do now is to remind myself to breathe.

[truelesson]

                                                        CILÈNE

       A major motivator behind Cyrus’s career and aspirations of making education widespread and easily available is the mistakes made by his older sister. Had she been allowed access to proper instruction in magical matters, Cyrus’s life would have turned out wildly different. However, since they were not so lucky, he now strives to prevent others from facing similarly awful fates.

       Here’s a summary of her influence in the verses where it applies:

MAIN VERSE (as well as Starseer/Planeswarden)

       Before Cilène and Cyrus were ever born, their parents made an agreement to preserve both their families’ skills and traditions by raising at least two children and teaching each separately. One was to be a composer and the other a scholar, and for a long time, Cilène was content with her role in the family.

       When Cyrus started to learn magic, things changed. Cilène was not jealous of her brother, exactly, but like many members of their family, she knew she had the aptitude for magic and wanted to learn as well. While Cyrus was willing to share what he learned, he was too young and inexperienced to instruct very well, and none of the elements he was practicing clicked properly with his sister, whose only affinity was dark magic. Between this and her parents flatly refusing to entertain her requests for a tutor, she was left to teach herself.

       Not much information on dark magic existed in the family records, so Cilène set her sights on the only other option she hadn’t looked into: beast taming. On her mother’s side of the family was a hidden legacy of using magic to control various dangerous creatures. Cilène’s only exposure to this was old journals, but it did not stop her from pursuing the idea. She befriended every Woodlander she could find in Atlasdam, hoping that one of them might eventually be able to teach her something of relevance.

       The best she managed to do was marry a deer hunter from S’warkii, who brought her back to his hometown to start a family. Though S’warkii was not the best part of the Woodlands to seek knowledge of her craft, it proved good enough, and she began practice in earnest. 

       Sadly, she was unaware of the dangers associated with her chosen path, and rapidly made irreversible mistakes. Like many before her, she became possessed by the same creature she was trying to control. In her case, it was a bloodthirsty bat-like monster filled with nothing but violence and rage.

       The exact events that followed would be enough to fill their own post, but long story short, Cyrus (who had recently surpassed his aunt Josephine and become the strongest spellcaster in the family) was tasked with putting his sister out of her misery, but completely failed to do so. For years, he faulted himself for her condition, believing he should have killed her. Over time, however, he grew to also blame his parents for refusing her a formal education in magic, and insists that had she been properly taught, she would not have spent the rest of her life as a bloodthirsty beast. He vowed to do what his parents wouldn’t, teaching people whatever they wanted to know, not just what others deemed important, hoping it might save at least one person.

3H VERSE

       Cilène had the fortune of being the third crest bearer in their known lineage. The origins of the crest itself was a mystery, but was worn with a badge of pride, and had been her father and grandfather’s ticket to a better life, marrying into wealthy families seeking the right to brag about future generations having a crest.

       She was supposed to do the same, but was far more fascinated by its magical properties than its societal consequences. Of course, with most aspects of the crest being completely unknown, it was up to Cilène to experiment on her own... with devastating results.

       The crest was a terrible fit for her, and turned her into a demonic beast. This is where much of Cyrus’s understanding of the situation ends, as he was absent during this time and only heard the details from the few surviving witnesses. His family and home were lost in Cilène’s rampage.

       Cyrus grew up obsessed with gathering information about crests and relics because of this, convinced that the loss of everything he had known could have been prevented if everyone had simply been better informed. Whether or not this is true, it has become his life’s work to prevent anyone he can from meeting his sister’s fate.

DRESDEN VERSE

       TBA since I honestly can’t choose between black magic tomfoolery or a deal with the Winter fae gone wrong...