#BUT my brain is dumb and so i still think that i need to Do Work On Time
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ok, do not feel at all obliged to read all of this because i am aware its a lot, but this is kinda just how my brain works 😭
this is just my rambling about them as a ship
PETIMKON STUFF:
Redsuperspider? Petimkon?
Peter and Kon both have super strength!
I feel like they both have issues with being scared that they’re going to hurt the people they love if they accidentally use too much of their strength, but when they’re together they don’t have to hold back as much.
They can give each other more substantial hugs. Although this also goes for everyone else they know who has super strength (Casssie, Clark, Jon, Kara etc. for Kon).
However, Peter does not have invulnerability like Kon. This means that where Peter can pretty much use his full strength with Kon, and doesn’t have to worry about hurting him at all, Kon still has to be careful with Peter. However², I don’t think this would be much of a problem, as Kon has lots of other people in his life (again, Casssie, Clark, Jon, Kara etc.), who he already has this dynamic with and doesn’t have to be careful with.
I think it would just be a very important thing for Peter specifically to have in a relationship, as there’s not really anyone in his universe that he has this with, and it would be a huge relief to have someone he doesn’t have to hold back with. All his other relationships, whilst very fulfilling and important to him, have been with people who he always had to be careful with (MJ, Tim, Ned, May, Tony).
The fact that Kon is invulnerable would be such a huge relief for Peter. He has such a big fear of the people around him getting hurt because of him, but Kon? He’s stronger than Peter in the way that only people like Thor or Hulk are in Peter’s universe. He’s not breakable.
I cannot emphasize enough how much weight this would take off of his shoulders. And like, obviously he knows that Kon can still get hurt (he’s literally died before), but it’s so much less likely, and it’s very unlikely that it would happen because of Peter.
Peter and Kon are both self sacrificial idiots.
This one is self explanatory really. Anyone who knows the bare minimum about either of these characters could draw this parallel. It’s a pretty much universal trait in all superheroes, but I think they have a very similar brand of it.
They’re all huge nerds who like to quip and tell dumb jokes.
I think the ‘star wars fan vs star trek fan’ thing would be a hilarious dynamic. A little bit of minor conflict over something that doesn’t actually matter, to me, feels like a very healthy thing to have in a relationship. They agree on the things that really matter, but they can disagree on the small things.
Peter and Kon both love Tim.
They’d definitely bond over being stupid for this boy, and just rant at each other about how pretty and smart and perfect he is (they do this in front of him. Tim has a love-hate relationship with it).
At first they thought it would be difficult, but they soon realised that having another person who loves your boyfriend just like you do is brilliant, and they didn’t get even a little bit jealous over it, they just found it adorable and relatable.
Peter and Kon both have a history with SA/grooming.
I don’t want to go too deep into this here because it’s a heavy subject, but basically:
Knockout and Tana, and Skip.
Peter and Tim are the first to get together when Tim ends up in Peter's universe. They have a few sex-related issues.
Peter is ace and Tim has a pretty high sex drive.
Peter isn’t sex-repulsed, and is pretty sex-positive, but he doesn’t want to do it as much as Tim does.
This causes a few issues. Tim obviously wants to accommodate Peter and absolutely doesn’t want him to do anything that he isn’t comfortable with, and is very understanding when Peter isn’t up for it, but he also gets quite frustrated, because sex is something that’s important to him in a relationship, and he’s not getting what he needs. Because of this, Peter feels really guilty for not providing what Tim needs in the relationship. He can see that Tim isn’t happy with that side of things.
They’re both trying really hard to create a balance that works for both of them, because they’re really happy with pretty much every other aspect of the relationship, and they fit together really well. But it’s still causing problems and creating a rift between them.
I feel like there would be at least one instance where Peter fakes being into it when he’s really not just to make Tim happy, and then Tim realises and freaks out.
It’s just like there’s a missing piece of the relationship…
And then when they go back to Tim’s universe, Tim freaks out because he realises he still has feelings for Kon. And then when they eventually all get together, they realise that Kon was that missing piece. He slots in so perfectly, filling that need that Tim has, and meaning that Tim can get what he needs without Peter having to force himself to do anything he’s uncomfortable with.
Everyone ends up happy :)
Family!!
Tony and Pepper would get along absolutely amazingly with Tim.
I’m just imagining Pepper and Tim talking for hours about being CEO’s and getting along way too well and it terrifies Tony and Peter.
Kon would be so good with Morgan, and she’d love him. He’d be such a fun brother in law. He can FLY!!! Imagine how much fun that would be for a five year old.
May would fucking love Kon.
Peter is obviously Bruce’s ideal son in law. Only problem is that Tim won’t let him adopt him because “dude we’re dating you can’t make him my brother that’d be so weird.” Or even
Bruce: “I’m going to adopt Peter.”
Tim: “NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT!”
Bruce, and everyone else: “Why not?”
Tim: “Umm, well, you see…” (either they don’t know he’s crushing on Peter yet, or they’re dating secretly).
Clark and Lois would also adore Peter. Maybe Lois is who looks at Peter’s photography skills and goes “you should do that for a living. Like, as a journalist.” And then she mentours him in Journalism and he finds that he actually really loves it, especially the photography aspect.
Ma Kent would also absolutely love Peter.
Peter and Jon would absolutely team up against Kon. Poor Kon, betrayed by his own boyfriend in favour of his baby brother.
Tim and Peter absolutely bond over their shared passion for photography.
Especially when they realise that they both photograph vigilantes (even if Tim’s is more stalking…).
Tim and Peter are both geniuses, but in different areas. Their genius does overlap a lot, but mostly Tim is more of a detective, and Peter is more of a scientist.
theres definitely more rattling around in my brain but thats what ive got written down so far
I’m on my hands and knees BEGGING for more Peter Parker/Tim Drake PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE FIC WRITERS I NEED THEM INJECTED INTO MY VAINS AGAVBWJANAJSNDN
#peter parker x tim drake x kon el#peter parker#tim drake#kon el#spiderman in gotham#tim drake in mcu#young justice#poly ships
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Hi Cozi I just wanted to check and let you know that we really appreciate all of the beautiful are you provide us ❤️ You seemed really exhausted and down after that ice cream flavor challenge you did, it’s not my business to decide what’s best for you, but I hope you’re able to rest up and feel better soon.
Be safe 💞
Because I was down and exhausted.
I rested a smidge and completed some other priority (privately).
So I didn’t really do much resting 🫡
#cozy ask#I still am#tho despite me saying multiple times that im not doing it anymore i still get folk asking#And me being me! makes me think that the work i DID do wasn’t good enough#nor was the amount i did do sufficient.#So I guess that’s it for me and my ill brain.#And as much as i put my foot down i probably just end up being a further disappointment#I learned that it doesnt matter how much i make (in general) because it wont be good enough nor satisfying 🫡#And I am a worse ‘artist’ for not complying.#WHICh is dumb cuz i put myself in these positions.#So aside from doing a priority i went awol and will continue to do so unless something rly needs my attention or if inspired.
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not for anything but friendly reminder that ~fandom discourse~ about where women belong (or people you perceive as women) is misogynistic as fuck. or what they're allowed to say, or what they're allowed to write about, or what they're allowed to enjoy.
next time you see someone having a tantrum and vaguing, especially if their posts from week to week completely contradict each other, perhaps analyze if the common denominator is "a gross woman said something and now i'm mad" without otherwise adhering to any actual principles.
#like i wonder if someone consistently preaches that we need to respect each other's headcanons#but they are specifically bothered by women & people they assume are women#and they keep specifically complaining about how ANNOYING GIRLS are the ones with such STUPID ideas#if maybe that person is just a fucking misogynist LMAO#and maybe we shouldn't give them the time of day :)#but what do i know lol im just a dumb girl with my dumb girl brain#anyway sorry guys i hate posting vagues i think it's really immature but like how much of this do we fucking tolerate#and can you please stop reblogging him bc tumblr's block & mute functions are terrible#if i'm not vague about it does it still count as a vague?#i hate public drama but like he didn't want to resolve it in private either and won't shut the fuck up haha sorry#but i also fucking hate bullies so#:)#also in b4 fandom clique conspiracies start floating around#if you act like a misogynist dickhead and get blocked by a bunch of people#it's not a cabal of mean girls ganging up on you#maybe you're the problem lol#knock it the fuck off aren't you tired of this it's been a year man#get a life.
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HEY
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#oc#pink space#i really like the subtract glitch i've been doing recently - so here's some of that again lol :3#the way it interacts with their palettes is so fun i like it a lot ehegh :33#//anyway do you ever consider just tossing out any part the human body you've learned to draw and just drawing dumb little guys with arms#like pipecleaners forever or what hfhs#//oh this is was doobled in traditional originally#i need to digitize more of these. Because#though aura's hair was more extreme in the second panel in that version - i'm tired though and 3 days ago it was the same so no feelings to#change that lol :)#also i didn't shrink the noise enough so it didn't look right - and i was not going to reimport it so Bon Voyage my dude hfhs#was Supposed to fit on a 900x900 canvas but i made the panels a liiiiitle bit too big so it's 950x950#which is Fine it's a round number but it's not a Round-Round number so [gesturing]#1000x1000 was way too big for this little thing so she sits at a pleasant halfway point :>#//anyway i was also up til 3 a.m. last night doing ?? something ?? i genuinely don't even know what lmfhsbvh#nice though maybe my brain'll get a reset lol :3#stay up really late some random nights and jumpstart your brain!! it's foolproof!! never fails!! [<- these statements have not been reviewe#by the FDA or the Center for Sleep Control]#//ANywho now i'm going to be on my way#/oh i also forgot to post the oath n aura refs i made for artfight lol-#i'll prolly put those up w/ the kira and hid ones though :>>#i like to have the whole ensemble :D i Do feel bad when one of them gets left out hghsfh - like forgetting a stuffed animal somewhere#even though they're all together for small portion of the story it still feels off lol#i should prolly introduce the rest of the cast at some point. .... ......... ..........hm yea prolly. maybe one day hfhs#//anyway NOW i'm going i've run out of tag space i think hfhs - toodles !! :>
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I'm seriously starting to consider to not take the general story crafting 101 too seriously... and just do whatever. In the end the only criterium that's important is if I personally like my story by itself. Or even just that I was able to completely write it.
There are so many things out there that don't follow the general structures, or that aren't even a single coherent storyline at all. The only reason I want to make it structurally waterproof is because I think that's the only way to make other people maybe approve of it. MAYBE. It's because I think if I don't follow the rules I'm going to get criticized or made fun of for it. But honestly, there's no guarantee that even a single person other than myself would even read it. So why the heck am I trying to bend over backwards so much for something that probably won't even matter?! 😂 It doesn't make sense. I should treat this as an effing fanfic and do whatever feels right, have fun with it, COMPLETE IT, even if it's not coherent or this or that fundamental rule is not followed. It DOESN'T need to make sense. Really WHO.CARES?? The answer is NOBODY. A story's purpose is not to make others like the fkn author lol. I really should stop trying to treat it like that. Amirite or
#writing#mura's voice#again I'm looking through the 15-20 beginnings of this project and I'm like#it's SHIT but I still kinda like it??#it had all these cringe tropes and shitty as heck writing#but it's kind of giving me some feelings#even if it's just nostalgia#and some vague curiosity where all of that could lead#and it's kind of like some bad '90s anime story or something XD#and that's maybe not what I'm going for nowadays but even if I did#WHO CARES#😂#it doesn't need to try so hard that I'm crippling my own creativity with it#actually I was recently starting to think that I should focus more on what it's making me feel#instead of if it makes 100% sense logically#or if it follows this or that structure#because I really do think in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter#I should do what's fun for me not what I think others would approve#idk at least I will TRY to tackle it from this point of view more 😅#and if I want to just focus on the fkn aesthetics because I'm too dumb to write a brilliant story SO BE IT#who's gonna stop me other than myself lol#*15-20 year old beginnings#brain fog is making me forget to type words again haha
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this a very unnecessarily philosophical, potentially verbose, written by a barely 20 odd year old with the mental age of a 10 year old whose innate logic comes directly from the autism gremlin in her mind take on tim bradford. you have been warned.
it's interesting that tim thinks he's been lying to himself and is mad at himself for seemingly actually being what he thinks he fundamentally isn't, rather than what he thinks or thought he was. but he doesn't understand that he can't be fundamentally anything in respect to action and nature. he can't define who he is as a whole as one clear cut, unchanging thing that he lives by for the rest of his life. because that's the complete opposite of what human nature is in my opinion. his personality may be consistent. but his nature never will be. because it changes. ALL THE TIME. pretty much everyday your processes change even a little bit with new information you gain. who you are now is not who you were last week. and while you may have a strict and specfic moral law in which determines the way you act in the long run, the decisions you make and the way you act (short term) depend on the moment. so tim is saying that what he did in the moment back in the army, and what he did in the moment dealing with ray, and what he did in the moment lying to IA, was him going against his code and who he thought he was, and that must therefore mean that who he has been consistently in the past was actually all a lie, was him pretending to be something he wasn't just because he did somethings 'out of character'. i don't think he can understand that being as strict and by the book as he is is not actually a sustainable human trait. because many instances call for many different reactions. but him setting such rigid guidelines he must follow so he can actually consider himself a good man, has set him up to fail again and again in respect to his feelings of self worth. setting such high standards for himself that he'll never be able to live up to has made it so easy for his self-belief to falter, teeter, and completely fall off the edge. confusing his personality with his nature has made it practically impossible to realise that his actions, if flawed, reckless and bringing negative consequences, don't make him fundamentally flawed. fundamentally wrong and screwed up. he doesn't realise that actions merely add to the portfolio of a person's life, good or bad, and despite the contents of his biography, he is still worthy of love. because he is not fundamentally flawed, or a fraud, but a man who regularly shows empathy, and loves anyway, despite being told (by others, but mainly himself) he won't experience the same in return.
#i have always been bewildered by tim and the way he thinks since he's very black and white#but doesn't realise that all the colours of the rainbow are inside of him#i have an egotistical logic man in my brain who always thinks he's right#so if this is illogical to you blame him#but this is my inexperienced philosophy on the difference between fundamental personality vs enviroment influenced nature#i like to speak the things that flow out of my brain#so feel free to disagree#i am not always correct#but i love tim and i need him to realise he's a little dumb and unwilling to realise the true attributes of what makes a human#and that he's not wrong for doing what humans do#which is make mistakes and learn from them#and he's still allowed to be loved#because humans love each other despite what they do because it's fundamental to humans to be like this#you are not special baby#it's okay#you'll be fine#just like i am fundamentally tautologous#yet you like my posts anyway#i'm very sorry#especially if you loathe my lack of capital letter usage#goodnight#the rookie#chenford#tim bradford
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anton struggles to unlock his new smartphone
#my art#antonblast#dynamite anton#i think annie's phone screen is just one big crack#ok so there's a comic i've wanted to do for a while where like#annie laughs at something on her phone. anton asks what's so funny. looks at the screen.#and it's just completely shattered to the point where you can't even tell what's happening under the cracks#but she's still using it like normal completely unfazed#i need to draw my dumb ideas instead of keeping them locked in my brain
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ghh i hate the anxiety paralysis loop
#marzi speaks#i’m catastrophizing abt this email a bit bc of course i am#and i think part of the reason i’m so overwhelmed so easily rn is bc i’m due for a shower#but i don’t want to take the shower before i write the email because if i do then . i don’t know it feels Wrong#worst part of anxiety is when you can see that ur brain is clearly being irrational. but that does nothing to minimize the stress#like ur caught in some sort of trap and all you can think about is how stupid and dumb the trap is. but you still can’t get out#i need to look at my psych referrals again. but that’s for a later day one thing at a time
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Very stupid getter thing I’m thinking about as it’s such a minor detail but my brain is circling around how color is used in the series, more specifically for the robot.
Color palettes for your badass giant robot mean everything but the color choices in Getter are *very* important as it was the first-and few-robots to have multiple different forms in one, and are all compromised of jets to make the robot.
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The designs needed to be consistent with this aspect, having the Getters color palette use all three individual colors of the jets. What’s noteworthy about the colors used is the robots almost follow using the primary colors of red, blue and yellow, but the blue is swapped out for white. This was likely due to a better color balance, as while the primary colors would work if the robots weren’t individually joined but still a group, keeping in mind the concept of how they form from jets the blue would likely clash too much with red and yellow, where as white makes it all smoothly come together.
Nearly every Getter set since tries to follow this tradition of using red, white and yellow in there palettes, but aside from a few obvious exceptions for Getters that were meant to stick out-like Neo/Go, as that robot doesn't run on getter rays so the palette was changed drastically to reflect its nature-the most obvious example of a traditional Getter breaking this tradition and going for blue over white is Getter Robo G.
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While each and every Getter has its own factors to stand out and differentiate itself, the G line for simply having one small color change really sets it apart. Especially with its OG design above, it’s hard to not notice its version of Getter Two (Liger) had a color change that affects the whole palette. So people either love or hate G for this, even if later takes of its design like Armageddon, try to tweak the colors to be more visually appealing by keeping it strictly to the main color of the respective jet. (This also carrying over for Shin Getter in the show)
But why do I mention any of this? Well I was in fact thinking about this regarding Arma and Getter 2, but less on the actual designs itself and more so a rather small yet likely intentional detail: How Kei is associated with the color blue before it’s even shown that she pilots Shin Liger. From her own promo art with Shin 2 having her being colored in blue despite Go and Gais colors being their respective robot, to her pilot suits having blue shoulder pads to match with Liger, which we see before the robot even appears. (Yes I’m using a SRW art instead of a show shot, just deal with it lol)
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This is such a small detail but the team likely had probably a rough idea of what to do with Shin Dragon, so seeing them giving small hints to the viewer-albeit one has to see a art of this prior to know lol-before it even happens is pretty cool. Just goes to show how much insane detail Getter has across its series.
#meg text#getter robo armageddon#getter robo g#my first ramble of the year and it’s a fucking mess LOL#(I was tempted to delete it after until I looked at the time and went “I don’t wanna waste time like this”)#I do wanna make a more in depth post about the build up to go team piloting shin dragon but need my thoughts organized#by which I need to make a whole google doc for it (which I tried and deleted for some fucking reason bc I’m dumb)#hopefully it still in my deleted drafts but probably not (but I didn’t finish so eh)#rants aside my autistic brain was just thinking so hard about this because arma really like it’s pilot suit colors#I think about how ryomas team also has their scarves be the corresponding colors to their robots… love that#the go teams shoulder pads is a nice parallel to that but I like how between all pilots hayato and kei are the ones not to match#simply because liger stands out but that fits with kei so well because she’s the one pilot on the team who’s a girl#yet her suit is also white so it’s not like she doesn’t entirely not match with hayato lol
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send spoons im fucking done with this shit
#this internship is stupid#its useless#but i am stupid and am making a big deal out of it#hence stressing myself#im doing free research for a handful of geriatrics on their pet local environment project#it doesnt have a fucking time limit but i feel like a lazy piece of shit if i take it easy#except. god i could use the rest#BUT my brain is dumb and so i still think that i need to Do Work On Time#lil tam rants#fuck this shit i hate everything
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every time I think that I'm too hard on myself and that maybe I should trust my capabilities more, the universe has to go and prove that I've actually been greatly overestimating my competency
#how did i let this many basic arithmetic errors slip through on my exam#like id anticipated myself to make some dumb mistakes so i looked over my work and it seemed fine#because never in a million years did it occur to me that id brain fart so hard that id reach the right answer but write the wrong thing#these werent even multiple choice questions#i reached the right answer in one part of the question but wrote down a different number when using it in a different part#literally what. how#what kind of stem major has all bs/b-s in stem classes#maybe i should give up and switch to marketing or something#i mean. bs are pretty standard grades in college i guess#but literally everyone else i know in my major is getting as in our classes#just. aughhhhhghgh#i cant do this anymore#but i must#because what other choice do i have?#if i cant do this major then theres really nothing else for me to do#i am still passionate about the idea of it...i think. maybe#also like i hate other subjects more so...#through the process of elimination im kind of stuck here#and i also would never let myself give up this easily#ill talk about giving up endlessly and feel the need to give up and lie down on the ground forever#and yet i keep going#to what end? who knows#ugh anyways#ech.txt
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How does one even get over existential dread
#I’ve had it all week and it’s giving me anxiety <3#i feel like spring is always the worst for my anxiety#and idk it feels like I’m trying but it’s never good enough#(my unhealthy perfectionism yes)#and then I’m also like what even is the point to anything#and then it’s like thinking of all the people in the world and how many we are and how it’s hard for everyone#and we’re all with our own lifestyles and traditions and whatnot#that’s always overwhelming#my brain zooms out too much as my bestie put it#and I also feel like I’m failing at life#even tho that’s not really a thing ????#25 isn’t old but it feels like I fucked up my life already which is so dumb#I know rationally a lot of things are fucked up the way my anxiety puts it#but i am still not like over it#and this isn’t like new stuff#I’ve had this sort of thought process for years and I can’t seem to get out still#do I just need to go back to obsessively reading romance again#so I’m no thoughts head empty just unrealistic scenarios#do I just gotta ride it out until I’m 30 and I’ll magically get less insane#do I just start looking for a rich husband#okay rant over#feel free to ignore me#this week’s been rough#I’ll hopefully get over this soon#tbd later
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been telling my siblings 'you would NOT make it in vulcan academy' when they do smth goofy recently and nobody's been able to refute lol
#just me hi#listen here you little idiot... [<- fond]#anyway i've been doing this for months and it brings me much joy hbfhsvh#to me it's just an academy. with vulcans. and they are NOT getting enrolled loll#//so speaking of siblings i've been off and about with my dad more often#which is cool but that means spending a lot more time away from my siblings and ouhhrhrhrhrhrhrhhghhhhhhhhh#[tears in eyes]#my buddies :( Where Are My Buddies :( lmaoo#staring out car windows yearnily bc i want my brother's opinion + dumb joke combo on some random thought i had but he's miles AWAYYYYYYYYYY#i'm home rn but like. Man hfbhsfbvh#//oh man but here was one time one of them used the academy thing on me and i could only sputter. touche motherfunker lolllll#//anyway i am exploding all of them with my mind [<- endearing]#my youngest siblings do art (because they saw me doing it [funkin dies and explodes and cries and stares at a wall forever] lol <3) and#they're ! ! ! ! ? ? ? ?#leo does humanoids + has a more geometric style atm and it's really cool!! he keeps asking me to help him draw hands but he asks me at like#1 a.m. when my brain isn't working practically anymore so it's just me going 'yea and the thumb bone connects to the hip bone. +~Somehow~+#[mystery chimes]' and then he goes off on some sort of random thought and we are derailed forever hgbbfhsh#and ruff is so good at drawing animals it's insane. like have you seen this kid's cats they are Sick ! ! ! i genuinely did a double-take#when i saw her stuff a couple months ago loll#/and then my older siblings are v into video games#which is cool bc if i am ever bored they have like 5000 things that i can suffer on while we all laugh hfbhsfhv#i think i'm still helping test one of apollo's games that he's working on -#he's learning code and all kinds of cool stuff - also he's insanely good at blender like Woauhghsgh. wizard shizz hbfhsvb#+ reed helps him w/ that bc i believe he's the architecture guy lol :) - also it turns out reed n i share a lot of opinions on media and#stuff so that's awesome :D he didn't know what whump was but he liked all the points of it so i tried explaining that to him the best i#could hbshfv o7#+ chess has been trying to convince me to give him + leo a ~mystery~ story to play and i finally caved lmjfhsjf#he's real good at the clues it's going well :3 i am scared for my life HFBVhsfvh#also trying to convince him to play kartrider w/ me again cuz i have leo on it now and we need a 3rd okay-to-decent player in our soon-to-b#posse Loll :33 //i ran out of tag space... ouhhh..... okay then.. ciao ciao toodles :D
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y'know. i don't often hate the way my brain is and how difficult it makes certain things for me.
i do a little today though.
#i'm probably going to feel this way the rest of the week#got some Stressful Stuff on my plate - none of it is world ending no matter what my brain thinks#but it's stressful and needs to get done#we already took care of One of the big major things just today because i was having a breakdown about it#because peeks threw up on my favorite shirt after having thrown up all over my bed yesterday and i'm like#she does this when there's a lot of change and stress going on and we've just moved and also we're attempting peace negotiations between he#and Solaire and it's. y'know. hampered by the fact that she's poorly socialized and both of them are dumb as rocks#and so she's stressed out because of the myriad of changes happening to her#and i'm stressed out because she's stressed out PLUS all the other bureaucratic nonsense i have in my brain#AND there's external stress in my foundkin (we're workshopping ways i can integrate the Family Label to apply to folks who weren't terrible#to me when i was a child) and it's just like#i had a really good day yesterday#i've been having pretty good days in general and i knew the crash would come and i knew that i'd get stressed about these things to the max#and that's. like. I know the science and paths behind how we got here#but i also hate that i'm here in this mindset with these things and i also cannot do the laundry myself after all#first because stairs are not always conquerable (they are Exceptionally Not For Me as of yesterday to the point where i'm going to have to#limit myself to the bathroom that doesn't have 2 stairs down to it even if it's closer in the moment)#and second because i ABHOR the texture of tide pods but i cannot deny that they are useful and so much easier to use/keep tidy#than a jug of Cleaning Goo is#so like. i'm embarrassed that all my bedding needs washing and i'm embarrassed that my shirt needs washing#and i'm embarrassed that i make dirty clothes in general and i *am* getting over that#it's slow but the fact that physically laundry is not a task i can complete on the wet side of things#(i still really enjoy the process of folding and sorting though i don't get around to it quickly)#but like. this is one of the reasons why i get freaked out about the fact that i create laundry that needs doing#even if it's not actually my fault (i'm trying very hard to remember it's not my fault the cat threw up on my clothes#and them being put away would have meant she probably would have thrown up on something else that needed to be cleaned#like the bed for example - i cannot put my whole bed away so she doesn't throw up on it)#becuase i feel like i'm burdening someone else to do a whole bunch of work for *me* and i can't do anything in return#(as if i haven't been very deliberately trying to keep up with the dishes daily this whole week so i don't feel like i contribute nothing t#the household)
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If I could get over my internalised ableism and be like 5% more organised and do shit like use my fucking support aids and take my fucking meds I really would be unstoppable.
#brought to you by me inguring my ankle and being forced to use a stick and thus being reminded that using a stick makes my life 100x easier#the gaul honestly#when i was like 14 i got it in my head that i could just stop using my aids and not be disabled anymore because then no one would know#other causalties include hand rests. physio exercies. typeing my notes instead of writing them by hand. and wearing my god damn hearing aid#and now im mostly over that but my brain sometimes screams im not fosabled enough to use a stick despite thay not being how that works#but im very very bad at habit forming so all that shit is still abandoned.#i used to be better about my meds. i really did. but now i think im drawing connections that dont exist between them and my seizures#and like. if i dont take them i still get seziures. but if i do take them i presume they casued the seizure#even though ive been taking these meds for years and the seziures have had a slow degeneration to be this bad#im calling them seziures. the doc is unsure but the are at least seizure like#fuck i just need to get my fucking shit together with my disablities#i have stuff to make everything a thousand times easier#i just dont fucking do it because im a dumb ass
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Maybe I accidentally opened the wrong car door in the parking lot today. And maybe I made omega grilled cheese sandwiches. But I finally got the Celica ring back in fire emblem echoes so who's REALLY winning today
#speculation nation#hfksbfksbcmsbxmsbxmsbxmshkfhsjxbs#ok car door thing is legit. the car looked the same and idfk man smth lapsed in my brain#so i opened the door & the guy inside was like 'Wrong Car!!!' and i was just like 'IM SO SORRY 😱' and then ran to the right one hfkshxjd#the. grilled cheese sandwiches is a joke.#the cheese is rly runny so it was Seeping out. almost like. an omega's... i shan't say...#lmfaoooooo and yea i played some more fire emblem. finally making some plot progress after a while#the thing earlier went fine. i was a Little cornered animal at a few points but i think i did alright#played some air hockey and DARTS. im rly bad at darts guys. i still won but it was dumb luck lmfao#so... for days to have today. it really wasnt too bad.#still miss my family & im looking forward to seeing them again. Life Events Considered. but im doing okay#gonna need to go to bed soon bc im gonna go see one of my BEST FRIENDS TOMORROW !!! jack ❤❤❤#sometimes ur best friends with someone since 2016 and u have never met in person#WE WILL CHANGE THAT. TOMORROW!!!!!#yes.
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