#BUT THEN FIXED MY HURT FEELINGS
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SamANTHA YOU DEVIOUS LITTLE SHIT I JUST READ THE OVERTURE cHAOTER (up till page 370 bc i wanna go to sleep on a happy note for once, i keep going to sleep after depressing scenes) FROM THE MASK FALLING. I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS OVER OH MY GOD😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
#i felt like he was rejecting me ????#samantha shannon#you little shit#i love you#but that HURT MY FEELINGS#BUT THEN FIXED MY HURT FEELINGS#PLEASE TELL ME THEYRE END GAME AND YOURE NOT GONNA RIP THEM APART AGAIN#MY FEEBLE MORTAL HEART CANNOT TAKE MORE PAIN#IM A BROKEN SHELL OF A PERSON#BECAUSE OF THE BONE SEASON#anyways…#the bone season#tbs#arcturus mesarthim#paige mahoney#bookblr#booklr#bookworm#fantasy books#books#books and reading#bookish#shitpost
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lead balloon (the tumblr post that saved me)
if this comic resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you donated to this palestinian family's escape fund.
--
no creative notes because this isn't that kind of comic.
I know I don’t owe any of you anything but I still felt compelled to write about my long term absence. And I feel far enough away from the dangerous spot I was in to be able to make this comic. I have a therapist now, and she agreed that making this could be a very cathartic gesture, and the start of properly leaving these thoughts behind me. I am still, at seemingly random times, blindsided by fleeting desires to kill myself. They’re always passing urges, but it’s disarming, and uncomfortable. I worry sometimes that my brain’s spent so long thinking only about suicide that it’s forgotten how to think about anything else. Like, now that I've opened that door for myself, I'll never be able to fully shut it again. But I’m trying my best to encourage my mind in other directions. We'll see how that goes.
I am still donating all proceeds from my store to Palestinian causes. So far, I've donated over $15K, not including donations coming from my own pocket or the fundraising streams which jointly raised around $10K. In the time since I made my initial post about where this money would be going, the focus has shifted from aid organisations to directly donating to escape funds.
If you'd like to do the same, you can look at Operation Olive Branch, which hosts hundreds of Palestinian escape funds or donate to Safebow, which has helped facilitate the safe crossing and securing of important medical procedures for over 150 at-risk palestinians since the beginning of the genocide.
#cw: suicidal ideation#cw: suicide#cw: self harm#cw: mental health#cw: depression#i made the balloon the main representation of my self destructive urges for a reason but im not going to explain it#i tried to keep a lot of the details in this vague#it would be my worst nightmare if this comic encouraged someone to hurt themselves#so. please dont#for a long time even the thought of making this comic felt so insipid and narcissistic#with the state of the world as it is#having the only threat to your life be yourself felt so privileged and trite and shameful#but doing this comic made me sit down and process things in full#and im just. very grateful i didn't give in to my thoughts back when i sincerely felt i'd be more useful to the world dead#i also feel the need to say that this wont represent everyone's battle with mental illness. its unfortunately different for all of us#there is no fix-all#and im afraid this might be one of those comics that either resonates a lot or misses the target by a mile#i made it for myself foremost. and now that its done im glad i did it#thank you for reading#and please stay alive#stillindigo art#stillindigo comics
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you're my happily ever after (so i'll take my chance now, risk it all somehow)
rating: G
words: 2.6k
8x06 fix-it, because I'm pissed - I or my fics aren't going anywhere tho <3
thank you to @evansboyfrend for beta reading, ily 🫶
[also on Ao3]
It feels like the whole world is crumbling down. It feels like the Earth should shake, burst on fire, open up and swallow everything around. As dramatic as it is, he kind of expects it to happen, and it’s weird that he’s still sitting here. His ears are ringing, panic rising in his chest with each of Tommy’s words. He watches Tommy get up and head for the door, and he’s frozen to his spot. It’s not- it can’t be. It fucking can’t be. “Wait,” he finally manages to say, trying to keep his voice from trembling, “did you just break up with me?” He asks, hoping to any entity that listens that he just misinterpreted it, that he got it wrong. Because- because he can’t lose Tommy. He’s falling for him so fast and so hard. He’s ready for the next step. He’s ready to move in together. He’s ready to talk about one day, eventually, maybe getting married. He knows he wants that. He knows what he wants, and he wants Tommy. “Yeah, I guess I did.” Tommy answers, glancing back at him, his expression sad but firm. But Buck knows him. Knows that this mask will crumble into something devastated as soon as he leaves. That Tommy’s heart will shatter, just as Buck’s is right now. He can see through Tommy, he knows that he cares about Buck. It just- it doesn’t make sense. What was he even talking about… It was all so much, so fast, Buck’s brain is still scrambling trying to understand it all. “Believe me, I didn’t see-” Tommy starts, but Buck shakes his head and interrupts him. “No.” He stands up, his legs feeling shaky. Tommy fully turns towards him, confusion in his face. “What do you mean, ‘no’?” He frowns.
“I mean, no, you’re not breaking up with me.” Buck says more confidently than he feels. Because this can’t be it. The last six months, the best six months of his fucking life, can’t end like this. Can’t end at all. He won’t have this. “I know you care about me. And I care about you. And I don’t want to break up.” He sees Tommy open his mouth to speak, his expression hardening – putting on a mask again, trying to hide the hurt. He speaks again before Tommy can. “If you truly, genuinely want this, not because you think it’s gonna be better for me or you, but because you don’t want to be with me, fine, I can respect that. But I won’t accept it without a fight. I- I wanna fight for us, Tommy.” Buck steps closer to him, hoping that Tommy doesn’t step back, that might just break him. He doesn’t, he’s stuck in place, sad eyes on Buck’s. “Let me fight for us. You-” he adds quickly, on a roll now, not wanting Tommy to interrupt until after he’s done, after he’s said his piece. He needs to say it all now, let Tommy know how he feels. He can’t watch him leave without trying to fix it first. Tommy’s looking at him intently, just listening, not even trying to speak. “You gave me a second chance once, when I fucked up our first date, and I- I want to believe it wasn’t for nothing. So- so you’re my first man, so what?” Buck throws his hands up in frustration, he thinks he’s starting to sound a little frantic, speaking faster and faster. He just can’t let Tommy leave without him knowing exactly how Buck feels. “It’s far from my first relationship ever. Why- why is it so different just because you’re a man? It shouldn’t be. I don’t need to date other people, experiment or whatever else. I’ve dated people, slept around, did it all. I know how that goes, how it feels, and I don’t want to do it again. I know what I want, Tommy. And I want you. And don’t you dare tell me how I feel.” He feels anger seep in, Tommy’s words ringing in his head. What the actual fuck was he thinking? “I’m a grown man, I know how I feel. Yeah, it’s new and exciting, but it’s also real. It’s real to me, and- and if there’s any chance of forever, I want to take it. And-” he takes a breath. He feels like he’s been speaking in one breath, feeling a little lightheaded now, his heart hammering. Or maybe that’s just the panic. “And don’t start with the whole ‘I’m not your last’ bullshit.” He shakes his head again, tears welling up in his eyes, anger still building. Really, what in the world? How could Tommy want to just throw away the most wonderful relationship that’s happened to Buck in years? Maybe ever? “You don’t know that. I don’t know that. Yeah, we could break up one day. But you could also be my forever, and I could be yours. I’d love a chance to find out, even if it hurts in the end. But maybe that’s just me. Maybe I’m the only one here brave enough to risk it. And- and what about my heart, huh?” Tears are threatening to spill, his voice shaking now, with sadness and anger, and desperation. He can’t let him go, he can’t. “You said I’d break your heart eventually. But this, right now? This is you breaking mine.” He finishes, almost panting now, his monologue taking the wind out of him, wanting to say everything on his mind, in his heart. He hopes he got his point across.
“Evan.” Tommy just whispers, with a pained expression. There are tears in his eyes, too, one lone one slipping through, falling down his cheek. Buck’s hand itches to reach out and wipe it off, but he’s not sure if he’s allowed to anymore.
“Give us a chance, Tommy. Let us fight for this. Fight for me, for us. Fight with me.” He’s aware he sounds like he’s begging at this point, but he doesn’t care. This is too important. “I thought it’s been so good between us lately-”
“It has!” Tommy rushes to say. “It’s been amazing. You make me so happy. That’s why I’m scared, I just- I’m sorry, Evan, but I can’t let myself get hurt like this again. Because I- I’ve been there before, and it was hard to get back up, and with you- I don’t think I’d be able to ever recover from this one.” He admits, his stone-faced facade crumbling, and Buck can see his own feelings reflected in Tommy’s expression. Sad, devastated, heartbroken.
“We can- we can take some time apart.” Buck says around a lump in his throat. He feels like he can’t breathe. All he wants is to rewind until before he dropped the moving in bomb which must be what made Tommy freak out. He could say anything else, and take it slower, and maybe they’d be on their way out right now, a date night like they planned. “If that’s what you need. A break. But not for good. And then let’s come back to it clear-headed, knowing for sure what we want. And if you still want to break up, I- I’ll respect that. But I already know what I want,” he repeats firmly, decisively. “I want a future with you. I want to move in together, and one day down the line get married, and- and I want it all with you. We can slow down if I’m rushing this. I tend to do that, and if it’s scaring you, I’m sorry.” He adds, not wanting to backtrack any of this, but aware of how intense he’s coming off. He’s never been more serious about anything in his life. “But the past six months have been the best in my life. I’ve never felt so happy, so free, so comfortable, so safe. And I’m not giving up on you, Tommy. I will fight for you until I can’t anymore, until you tell me that you don’t care about me and I should just fuck off.”
“Evan. You know I’ll never say that.” Tommy responds quietly.
“I know. Because I’m confident in us, in the fact that you do care, and you do want me. I know that.” Buck emphasizes, and realizes, not for the first time, that he never felt like this before. This secure. This confident about someone wanting him. “I also know you’re just trying to protect yourself, your heart, and I get it. But I can’t let you go without a fight. I won’t. I messed up a lot in my life, and I won’t mess up this. I refuse to. Because I-” he takes a sharp breath, the words pressing on his lips. He doesn’t want to say it for the first time in a possible break up, a moment of such anger and devastation. But he needs to put it all out there. Needs Tommy to understand how much he’s trying to throw away right now. “I love you, Tommy.” He confesses, sees Tommy’s face melt into the saddest expression Buck’s ever seen on anyone, tears spilling freely now. Both of theirs, he realizes, feeling wetness on his cheeks. “I’ve been falling for you a little bit more with each day we spend together, with each minute. And I know- I hope you feel the same. But if you can look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t-” he swallows thickly, the thought alone is too much to bear.
“I can’t do that.” Tommy interrupts quickly. “Of course I love you, Evan. It happened so quickly it kind of scared me a little.”
“I noticed.” Buck says dryly, and Tommy lets out a humorless chuckle. “If you ask me, which you didn’t, by the way, you decided for both of us, which was an asshole move,” he points out, and Tommy looks away, as if ashamed. Good. Buck loves him, which means he’s gonna call out when he’s acting shitty. “I’d rather give us a real try and get my heart shattered if it comes to this, instead of always wondering what if, always wondering if you’re my one who got away. Which you would be.”
“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, takes a step towards Buck, now just half a step away. “I’m sorry, maybe breaking up is too hasty. Impulsive,” he scoffs at himself, probably remembering how he called Buck that just a few minutes ago. Well, so maybe they’re both a little impulsive. Not a problem, in Buck’s opinion. “I don’t- I don’t want to break up. I never want to be away from you.” He says, his voice barely above a whisper. His hand flinches at his side, like he wants to reach out, grab Buck’s, touch him. Buck hopes he does. “It just- it seemed too fast. Like you got wrapped up in the moment. It’s still so new, I thought we were taking it one step at a time, and I didn’t-” he takes a deep breath, as if bracing himself, and Buck knows what he says is going to sting – and it does, it feels like a gut punch, actually, “I didn’t think you were as serious about this as I was getting. And I realize we should’ve done the mature thing and talked it out. I’m sorry. It’s just, we’ve barely talked about any future here. But I want it, of course I do. I’m just- I’m scared. My heart has never been in this much danger.” He looks into Buck’s eyes as he says it, more vulnerable than ever. This is everything Buck wants right now, for them to talk, to discuss this, to try fixing it, instead of one of them running away and the other giving up and not fighting for it. Buck’s been there, he doesn’t want a repeat.
“Tommy.” Buck is the one to close the distance between them, carefully brings his hands up to cup Tommy’s face, giving him a chance to back away, but he doesn’t. Instead, he breathes out a sigh of relief, like he craved Buck’s touch as much as Buck craves his. “You remember when I told you I wanted something with you? Even though I didn’t know what that something was yet?” he asks and Tommy nods slightly, Buck’s palms still resting on his cheeks. “I’ve been serious about you since that precise moment. About pursuing this, and wanting some kind of future with you. I know I tend to rush into things, it’s been a problem before.” He huffs a self-deprecating laugh. “I tried not to do that with you, but I failed, clearly. I just think from now on, we both should stay and talk and try to work it out if we have any issues with something. If you still want me.” He adds a little anxiously, but relaxed when he feels Tommy’s palms settle on his hips.
“Of course I want you, Evan. I always will.” Tommy says, that loving look in his eyes, that always makes Buck’s heart melt a little. That look that Buck loves so much, that made him think that Tommy might feel the same way.
“Good. Like I said, I’m not letting you go. Ever.” He says decisively, a huge weight that’s been there since the topic even started finally lifting off his chest. This might be the best thing that’s ever happened to him, and no matter the conclusion – which he’s pretty sure will be the happily ever after he’s always craved – it’s worth the risk, it’s worth everything.
“Good.” Tommy echoes, that gorgeous, scrunchy smile of his slowly spreading on his face, and it’s like sunshine came out from behind stormy clouds. “I don’t intend on letting you go, either. I love you, sweetheart. And I’m so sorry for… for this mess. For overreacting.”
“That’s fine, we’re past this- well, actually, we are gonna talk about it more, but at least we’re on the same page now, I hope.” Buck says, slowly leaning in. “I love you so much. I never want to lose you.”
“I’m sorry.” Tommy says again, and Buck just wants him to stop saying it. It’s fine, they’re fine now. “You won’t. You have me for as long as you want. I promise.”
“What if I want you forever?” Buck whispers, his face so close to Tommy's, their lips almost brush. It sends a shiver down his spine, like he hasn’t kissed him in days, when they just exchanged a quick kiss hello a few minutes ago.
“That works for me.” Tommy smiles again, and finally dives in for a kiss, but it lasts barely a second before he’s pulling away, Buck trying to follow. Tommy chuckles, running a comforting hand up and down Buck’s side. “But maybe let’s put a pause on the whole moving in together thing, huh? At least until we fully talk everything through.”
“Yeah, good idea.” Buck nods, his gaze flickering between Tommy’s eyes, now sparkling happily, and his pretty, kissable lips. It feels so good to be able to just have a mature conversation and resolve whatever issues arise. If they keep doing that, he thinks they’re going to be okay. He’ll make sure of that. “No need to be impulsive,” he adds, his lips twisting into a teasing smirk.
“Okay.” Tommy chuckles quietly, his cheeks reddening. “Just kiss me.”
Buck doesn’t need to be told twice. He kisses Tommy like he means it, like he’s his person, like he’s the love of his life, trying to put all those emotions into a kiss. He knows for sure he’s getting the same intent back. And at this moment, in his kitchen, narrowly avoiding losing his love because of a stupid reason, he decides it. One day, not too quickly, but not too far into the future, he’s going to ask Tommy Kinard to marry him. And he’s more than sure of the response he’ll get.
[also on Ao3]
#bucktommy fic#fix it fic#bucktommy#wikiangela writes#911 fic#911 8x06#my writing#evan buckley#bucktommy fanfic#tommy kinard#911 fanfic#evan x tommy#buck x tommy#tevan#kinley#read on ao3#dailykinley#911 spoilers#bucktommy fluff#angst and hurt/comfort#angst and feels#bucktommy angst#not gonna tag my tag list this time bc Im exhausted and also not sure who's in the headspace for a fix-it rn#im here if anyone wants to vent or talk btw#and im not going anywhere fuck this
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#this is a cry for help please i have loved this clown for over a decade#When Bruce says “I can fix him” I completely understand & not bc I want to fix him#but bc despite all the atrocities he has committed you can't help but feel compassion for him#Joker constantly struggles to not let himself be seen vulnerable but when he does oh God it breaks my heart#I wouldn't know what to do if I were aware that I'm being doomed by the narrative & i had no escape even in death#to have a fate as tragic as being forced to become a myth#a monster who abandons all traces of humanity to make sure that someone else never abandons his#A lonely man who lives in a world of the dead and must do as much harm as possible to the only living person before his eyes#After all horror and obsession leads backs to love. oh god imagine loving as much as he does#Love as something twisted as a source of tragedy and death as an addiction a wound that never stops bleeding and hurts more every day#All you want is to be free#But someone else is holding on to you and will never let u go bcz he is afraid of being alone#and without you the weight of the world he carries on his shoulders would kill him he needs u as much as u need him#both are going to drown together#anyways hahaha i luv this stupid clown#joker#the joker#batjokes#bcz i got carried away writing the tags :p
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TWD 3.06 // TOWL 1.05
#rick grimes#michonne grimes#richonne#lori grimes#the ones who live#the walking dead#twd spoilers#twd parallels#twd: the ones who live#my edit#mine#ricksmarlene#i do not know if this is in any way related but I feel like this is huuuuuuuuuuuuge#he was never able to fix what he had with lori before she died#he couldn't let go of his hurt and anger because of her betrayal and focused on keeping her and his family alive#AND MICHONNE IS THE ONLY THING AND THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE WHO PUTS IT BACK TOGETHER MORE THAN LORI EVER DID#I AM UNWELL#EPIC LOVE
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listen I honestly think wilson really enjoyed that little arc where he was cooking every single one of house’s meals. I know he’s house’s main source of food anyway but usually just via ‘stolen’/bought lunch at work. I’m talking about when they lived together in season 2 and his ass made macadamia nut pancakes for breakfast on a WEEKDAY. and pot roast for dinner. so much effort and for what…because house was gobbling that shit up…? yes he complained about it every time but he also had an extra fork on hand when house came home to stuffed peppers. it feeds into his need to be needed complex. the intimate dependency of someone relying on you for sustenance. also why they used food as the metaphor for why house was craving his presence. this is what I mean when I say that wilson deserved a housewife era. house went stir crazy within like 12 seconds of doing all their chores because he requires Stimulation™️ but I’m completely convinced that it would act as enrichment for wilson. if I told him to go make me a sandwich he’d roll his eyes and then passive aggressively make a delicious one. actually that literally happened in son of a coma guy. case closed
#that scene where house finally let him indoors after sitting on the porch for several hours#and wilson is like that’s so mean why did you do that :(#also you didn’t even do the dishes…#n house responds like doooont care. what’s for dinner#& wilson just accepts it 💀#cmon I know he’s a pushover but he’s not THAT big of a pushover#he likes it#I honestly think that when they were roomates in s6#house would feign incompetence surrounding domestic tasks#like ‘oh my leg hurts I can’t fix the sink’#not for his own benefit#but because wilson is 1. canonically a little ocd (I say this as someone with ocd) about shit around the home#and 2. thrives off of feeling useful#hilson would’ve survived mac and dennis move to the suburbs#house md#greg house#gregory house#hilson#house/wilson#james wilson#hatecrimes md
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i like ghostmaker and batman as narrative foils not in the “ghostmaker is incapable of forming relationships with or feeling empathy for others, therefore batman is better” way but in the fact that ghostmaker IS better. literally. more stronger mentally, emotionally, physically. stronger in the way he carries himself and how he sees himself and how he treats others (depending on your definition of strong) and yet, he’s still so so miserable. he can lie to himself all he wants, or ignore everything but blatant fact, but it still doesn’t change the fact that even though he follows batman’s “I work alone” rule better than the actual batman ever could, he still loses to bruce in some way. bruce was willing to shoot someone for khoa, willing to follow and stay, and khoa straight up couldn’t handle it. therefore, he is worse in the one thing that makes batman, batman. that nothing will ever tie him down, no matter what. not Bruce or his city or his rouges.
except, that’s not entirely true anymore, is it? because this time, he does stay. he meets Bruce’s kids and indulges bruce in banter and playfighting and even fake ‘dates’. he stays, and leads, batman inc. and he does it considerably better than batman. of course, he still kills people. he can barely stand batmans kids and the feeling is entirely mutual. he still treats others as expendable next to his mission. but, he stays. he stays with bruce, with someone, in some way this time. he’s learning, he’s willing to learn.
#frankly the ableist take that ‘Khoa can’t feel which makes him weaker than the totally not mentally fucked other guy’ pisses me off#I think people forget he doesn’t kill because he enjoys it. he does it because he feels he has too. it makes his job easier#besides. those people are normally sex traffickers or drug lords or murderers or child abusers. would it really hurt taking them out?#ugh but anyways im super sick and i feel like i can barely get a point across. this might feel rushed or like it’s missing some points#so sorry for that :( but maybe ill fix this when i feel better#I just wanted to post some of my word vomit :)#batman#bruce wayne#ghostmaker#minhkhoa khan#dc comics#batfam#ghostbat#ghostmaker meta#batman meta
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anime characters to go get a big greasy ass burger and fries with
#number one. monkey d. luffy i wanna hang w him so fuckin bad like that would fr fix my life#ive definitely said this before but i just feel so passionate about it like it hurts so bad ill never be able to take luffy to chiles or#applebees or some shit like damn...#kae.txt#edit: omg i got a handful of dunmeshers id get a burger w too. laios..falin..thistle..mithrun..kabru..fleki and ly#gotta get burgers with those bitches#doubl edit: trilogy maya and phoenix but also athena polly and trucy
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i think dinostar is such an interesting ship right now even if i've kind of turned away from it after this season. the problem is that it's complicated, and fandoms historically don't like nuanced situations or takes. i don't think it's fair to say darius is putting brooklynn on a pedestal, since from his perspective, she hasn't done anything wrong, and kenji has been framed as this unfair partner to her. it does feel like his feelings are very immature and more of an infatuation right now ("if he loved you half as much.."/"unless?"), especially when you compare them to kenji's own feelings for brooklynn - his girlfriend who he's loved for 6 years - but that isn't a horrible thing, it's just different. i do completely understand if people dislike the ship right now, and even criticize darius' way of handling the accidental confession, but i just think people have been way too harsh on all three of them without being willing to see that all of their perspectives are different
#like darius' whole thing this season was his tendency to say or do the wrong thing and make things awkward by complete accident#he's a very awkward person as it is and considering he's also never dealt with romantic feelings before and he didn't even mean to tell her#about them it makes sense that he once again said and did the wrong things while trying to fix it#i'm not going to judge his characterization just yet until we see how he handles his own feelings vs kenji's next season after finding out#she's alive#he was still respectful of her and i doubt after learning more of kenji's side and realizing this man genuinely does still love and miss he#that he would prioritize pursuing her romantically(especially since she already yk.. rejected him and also literally just left them all)#if anything i think the finale putting his feelings about her survival to the side and focusing on how it hurt kenji to see her alive and#leave him kind of indicates that brooklynn's not really going to be much of a love interest for darius after this#which imo as a dinostar enjoyer and professional darius lover i'm actually okay with#slightly off topic but season 2 has made me really appreciate kenlynn on its own because of how tragic and nuanced it is#so i think focusing on them instead is not only a better decision in terms of consistency and storytelling but it's just the more realistic#and satisfying choice right now#and that's not to say i think they'll be perfectly fine or even together again once they're reunited properly#in fact i very much hope she ends up alone and they all get closure from this#and there's always the possibility that later on the show might actually revisit dinostar again#which would be better than them trying to do so now in my opinion#idk this is probably a mess but i've been trying to think about how i felt about this love triangle for awhile and since s2 handled it#completely differently than i thought they would. i feel like it's not going to be that simple#and i just wish fans of all sides would kind of chill out on the characters lmao#jwct#chaos theory#jwct s2 spoilers#brooklynn jwct#jwct season 2 spoilers#dinostar#kenlynn#kenji kon#darius bowman#jurassic world
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to me. alpha is the same as dew. alpha is dew if he never had the support of his pack.
alpha NEEDED love and compassion. but it's hard to give love and compassion to someone who lashes out at the slightest provocation.
omega tried. he DID love alpha. for a long time. but the obsession and the violence and the blaming omega for alpha's outbursts was too much.
it's hard when every negative feeling burns up inside you and comes out of your mouth as anger. and you feel out of control, because once you start you can't stop, and that terrifies you, and that just adds fuel to the fire and you just get meaner. and all you want is for him to take you into his arms and tell you it's okay, but you won't let him, and he's raising defenses against you, and he's retreating and you're digging your claws in and you're scared and desperate and you can't stand the idea of being alone
and then he leaves you. and then you're alone. you have your old pack. the first ghouls you played with, years ago, but they're not exactly the emotional type. they're cold and sharp and they keep to themselves and you tell yourself that's fine with you. you tell yourself you're fine with only ever sharing the warmth of another ghoul when you're a means to an end.
and you get meaner. and colder. and all the hurt inside you turns to steel in your gut. and you can't stand to think about the possibility that maybe, just maybe. if you'd had the love, it wouldn't be this way.
#GUHHHHH#hurts my own feelings#alpha is just. traumatized. and someones traumatized people are fucking mean. it's a defense mechanism and it's not one they choose#and it wasn't omega's responsibility to stay and continue to be hurt. it's not anyone's responsibility to fix him#it's a tough situation#but. dew could have turned out like alpha. but he had the support that alpha didnt.#dorito hc hours#dorito.txt#dorito writes#alpha ghoul
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Really fucked up that two ppl can care about each other and make their best efforts to communicate and still end up hurting each other so badly they cannot stand to be in the same room.
#my stuff#i feel soooo bad talking to my therapist about the same topics over multiple weeks#like i feel like they're sooo sick of it like damn can this bitch get Over It alreadyyyy#hi yes actually can we talk about the near catastrophic sense of betrayal and loss that has haunted my soul for over a month?#can we talk about how I overcompensate for other's possible feelings and emotions to desperately mask my terror at feeling out of control#can we talk about how even when I know ppl acted with logical reasons necessary for their situation it still hurt me?#and that this pain fills me up with so much anger and frustration that I'm powerless to put anywhere that won't hurt someone#so it just cooks me inside and makes me grind my teeth constantly for weeks#im so angry i did not deserve to be treated like this it's not fair and I have no capacity to fix it or control when it feels better#i just have to survive and wait until i forget about it and hope they don't decide to reach out and fuck it all up#cause i can see that happening#i'll finally be free of thinking about them and generally going about my day unbothered and they'll ask to get coffee or something#and I have no idea what I should do in that scenario. because I don't think we can be friends.#and you have not treated me with the compassion and warmth I treated you#i would want to say mean things. hurtful things. I would want to bite back for once.#and that's not me. that's not who I want to be.#i don't wanna see you. go away. don't talk to me if you're not going to make the pain go away.
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new youtube layout makes me wanna jump into traffic
#blah blah blah#NORMALIZE NOT MAKING YOUR WEBSITES FUCKING UGLYYYY#ITS SO BAD.... ITS SO CLUTTERED....#IM FEELING CLAUSTROPHOBIC#i keep my videos in theatre mode and I scrolled down to see the comments and it made my brain hurt#what the fuck is this..........#does nobody remember the saying “if it ain't broke don't fix it” ??????
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the appeal of yeojeong as a normal guy who’s just a little bit off. not enough that you would notice when talking to him, of course, but it’s just there, under the surface. a disturbance. and i think it’s interesting because typically you have two types of guys somewhat adjacent to this: guy who seems totally normal but is secretly sadistic/a psychopath, and then guy haunted by a traumatic/troubled past, who has that secret layer of torment running beneath the surface of their image. but yeojeong breaks through these archetypes, and i think part of it is because he’s just so...calm. it’s not that he’s living a double life (kind doctor by day, killer by night) or hiding part of his past (everyone he worked with knew about what happened to his father, and watched his downward spiral during his college days). he’s not the typical male character who is, at every attempt, trying to outrun his tragic past (even though he does run once or twice); he’s not haunted by flashbacks, or suffer from PTSD in the way that is usually portrayed in dramas. and i think part of that is because the glory is a story about victims. it’s dongeun’s story, first and foremost, even though it is also yeojeong’s story, and hyeonnam’s story, and sohee’s story. but it’s a story about dongeun’s pain, and when it’s not about her pain, it’s just about the pain of victimhood - unlike other dramas, this isn’t a show where male pain outweighs the rest.
so yeojeong is just a normal guy. he’s handsome. he has a good career. he’s a plastic surgeon, an interesting choice when both his parents were/are hospital directors, and his father seemed to have worked in the er or something of the sort prior to his death (or at the very least wasn’t a plastic surgeon). something could be said here of yeojeong choosing the ‘safe’ path as a doctor, a path where he cures pain and makes people happy without the added risk of being attacked by one of his patients. there’s no proof of that in the show - why he chose to be a plastic surgeon - but it’s an interesting thought path to travel.
dongeun says he must have lived a good life. that he’s never had to worry about the path that he’s on. and that’s true, to a certain extent. to everyone, including her in the beginning, yeojeong is perfectly friendly. he’s perfect, but not the perfect that people perceive as too perfect (i.e. the guy who’s hiding things); he has his moments where he spazzes out, gets into fights, goes crazy over dongeun texting him back, teases his mom. he’s perfectly well adjusted (a perfect contrast to dongeun’s ‘maladjustment’). he wears flip flops to work and gets the same coffee order daily. he plays go with old men in the park.
he likes to listen to the fizzing of vitamin tablets in water because it calms him down. is this a strange thing? only because he thinks it’s important enough to mention to his therapist. he does it at work too - drops the tablet in, closes his eyes, rests his head. he does it at home - drops the tablet in, opens the drawer, draws a knife. it’s about the noise. bubbles rising to the surface, like bubbles rising from underwater. he stays underwater until the last possible moment, when he has to break the surface in order to breath. dongeun makes him feel like he’s at the eye of a storm - a deceptively calm center, while everything else rages outside. and i think it’s kind of important that he makes that comparison, when he’s someone always seeking that calm. the soothing noise, that makes him feel lonely.
so he’s just a normal guy. a normal guy who receives letters on a regular basis from the prisoner who brutally murdered his father. he doesn’t like letters, he tells dongeun. who knows what he does with the letters - does he keep them? does he throw them away as soon as he sees them? he must have read some of them; maybe you only need to read one to know what is in the rest. maybe he’s still reading them; maybe he keeps them without reading, an invisible torment. it’s not what he does with the letters that matters, but that he receives letters at all.
can you still call it a haunting if you’ve almost made your peace with it? if you’re living with it?
he’s just a normal guy, who looks his therapist right in the eyes and tells her that she couldn’t fix him. he diligently attends therapy for years on a regular basis, even though it doesn’t work. he finally abandons it when he moves to semyeong, because he chooses to embrace dongeun’s revenge. he chooses his own revenge, too, in a way. the dark part of him that he can’t escape. the one that makes him pick up the knife, who asks dongeun who to kill before she even tells him she wants any of them dead, even when he’s a doctor from a family of doctors, and doctors don’t kill - they save lives instead.
you couldn’t fix me, he tells his therapist calmly. so calmly. as if there’s not a bloodied man sitting next to him, a man he dreams of killing. the man is just life to him, just like the letters are life to him to. a dulled numbness. an acceptance of it.
is your son going through hell? can you even tell it’s hell, if it’s what you’ve become used to? is it hell when you’re a doctor dreaming of murder? is it hell to no longer be tormented by dead men and living murderers who send you letters? is it?
#star stumbles#my thoughts#the glory#the glory 2022#netflix the glory#kdrama#joo yeojeong#hmm. yes. how long has it been since i made a very long text post analyzing a character? quite a bit#he's just under my skin#it's the normalcy and then the just...tad bit off uncanniness to it all#like staring at a room and feeling as if something is wrong but you can't pinpoint what it is#until maybe you finally discover there's a book out of place or something missing or something unaligned#and it's not even psychopathic. seen a lot of people say that but like...it's not#it's a slightly different vibe from that#it's like dongeun staring at the boiling kettle and reaching out to touch it#the dissociation from reality#when you hurt yourself and marvel at the wound before feeling the pain#the fizzing of the vitamin tablets got me first & the letters#but mostly - what really wormed into my core - was the way he stared at his therapist and simply said 'you couldn't fix me'#'after all this time you couldn't fix me'#the dead acceptance.#feeling so mentally unwell about him i can't even describe it#the way his character was designed to be dongeun's (romantic) partner in crime
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cant stop thinking about this silly dog i saw on twitter the other day, reminded me of him for some reason. The Animal 🐖
#i would link a source but it was a repost account so. idk whose ouppy this is im so sorry#also FIRST TABLET DRAWING RAAAAAAAUGH 💥💥💥 MY HAND HURTS SO FUCKING BAD FKJDHG#i gotta get used to holding a pen like that...#my arm keeps doing muscle memory Dont Touch The Screen thing but. it's ok relax man this isnt even a touchscreen#you can rest ur arm it's fine#it's so funny that desktop medibang was so hard to get used to bc i genuinely just didnt understand the software#was anyone gonna tell me you can move the red square to move your view... i've been using the scroll bars this whole time#WAS ANYONE GONNA TELL ME I FORGOT MY FUCKING PEN CORRECTION-#NO WONDER MY LINES FOR THIS SKETCH WERE SO SHAKY KGJFHG#also i forgot to fix the anti-aliasing so umm just pretend this is pixels like usual ok.. i couldnt tell#i dont have my glasses on and the screen is juuuuust a bit blurry anyways. didnt notice till i zoomed in to do his eye </3#yay doodle <3 i love coloring on this thing it's so fun#awa#umm im gonna leave this nonrebloggable for now bc i feel nervous for some reason#might change it later bc this was really fun
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Me, two years ago: I hope this heals on its own so I don’t have to go to the doctor about this
Me now: FUCK I should’ve gone to the doctors about this
#for context#I think I fractured my foot two years ago :/#but I was so worried that they’d put me in a boot#and my job revolved around driving and didn’t offer disability pay#and I was worried I’d be out of work for 6-8 weeks#so I just didn’t go#and now my foot hurts all the time#what if I need surgery to fix it I’m so scared :(#Maeve talks#ok to rb btw I feel like this is relatable to usamericans haha
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look guys i actually did some spirit designs
[ID: the Hargreeves' spirits in the Paranatural au - or at least, the five of them that are kids in this au.
Luther's is an ape that looks like his body from the comics. Diego's is a creature that looks a bit like a small porcupine. Allison's is a large snake with its mouth duct taped shut. Klaus' is a blue raccoon with three eyes and a pink tail, and Viktor's is based off of the White Violin from the comics, except its head transforms into reaching arms. End ID.]
sorry, the ID got REALLY long this time. that's a summary for anyone scrolling, theres a more detailed one under the cut!
[ID: Luther's spirit is labelled First Simian In Space: THE MARTIAN APE. He looks like the ape that supplied Luther's body in the comics, drawn in the paranatural style; blue, with one eye. He is wearing an astronaut helmet and sitting in a coin operated rocket ship that is much too small for it. He has transformed the world around him into a scifi martian landscape; cardboard standups with doors and lockers scribbled on them are the only indication of the real world. Luther is sprawled on the ground staring in shock, while the Martian Ape says "Y'know, you should totally just kill your dad".
Diego's spirit is a very small creature that looks a bit like a porcupine.
Panel 1: Diego holds his spirit in his hands and says, "So, what's your name?". His spirit responds "I am called..."
Panel 2: A caption appears; Projectile Extraordinaire: KRAKEN. The image is in full color, focusing on Kraken, which glowers cutely and shows off her spines.
Panel 3: The same shot as panel one, except Diego now looks very skeptical. He says "..." and then "Why." Kraken responds "It sounded cool."
Allison's spirit is a giant green snake coiled around a tree branch, with a pattern down his back that looks like open mouths.
The first two images are centered on Allison, who is scowling in both. Someone unseen says "It can force people to do things, honey!" and "It's too dangerous to leave you alone with it." and finally, "So we fixed it."
The final image is of the spirit. He is captioned Muzzled Mind Controller: THE RUMOR. His mouth has been duct taped shut. He does not look pleased.
Klaus' spirit is a blue raccoon with dark purple legs and a fluffy striped pink tail. It also has three eyes.
Panel 1: The large colored closeup of Klaus' spirit. It is captioned Mystical Conartist: THE SEANCE.
Panel 2: Klaus asks it "With a name like that, what's your power?" The Seance, its nose just high enough to fit into frame, replies, "Oh, I can sense ghosts"
Panel 3: Klaus looks supremely unimpressed. In the background, a ghost says "Hi" to Allison and Luther, and they say "Oh, hey" back.
Panel 4: Klaus asks, "Seriously?"
Panel 5: The Seance, viewed from above, says "Hey, I can sense them even when they're not visible! Like behind walls and stuff!"
Panel 6: The Seance adds "Also I can float." It is demonstrating, floating about eye level with Klaus and emitting a cloud of cyan spectral energy as it does so. Klaus looks more pleased with this and says "Okay, that one's pretty good."
Viktor's spirit is a Wight, a spirit so warped by rage and pain that it has permanently been changed, its spectral energy has become white, and has gained massive, devastating power. It looks a lot like the design of the White Violin in the comics, but it manifests too many or too few arms from where its head should be.
There are three images of it. In the first, it is kneeling. It has manifested six arms in varying degrees of completeness, and all of them look sad.
In the second, the matter of its head has split into many small pieces that almost look like parts of mouths, save for two clawing hands. It screams, in the Wight spirit language from Paranatural, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME.
In the third, the largest, its knees buckle as it stands and manifests one reaching hand. It is captioned Violent White: THE WHITE VIOLIN. End ID]
#tua#the umbrella academy#luther hargreeves#diego hargreeves#allison hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#uhhhh...#vanya hargreeves#?#thats definitely not viktor. and its not REALLY vanya either but it IS made to look like her#space boy#the kraken#the rumor#the seance#the white violin#i feel like those are all fair game#some notes in no particular order:#look i did a spirit language from the webcomic! literally the easiest one to make (and read) but still!#its called Wight Wail btw bc Paranatural is mostly puns by weight#omg guys should i do something where delores speaks in Cursed Words?#in order to speak cursed words you have to have killed people but. she deserves it#also after i finished lining almost all of them i wore out my wrist and have been waiting like a week for it to heal enough to draw#i can do most of the heavy lifting of coloring and shading left handed which helped stave off the boredom#but it still hurts and its been a week and i WANT TO BE DONE so i gave up on ever lining klaus' and colored the sketch i had#there was stuff i wanted to fix and change but... well nevermind doing that i guess lol#also hence the typed text instead of handwritten. i would have used the sketch text but that was ACTUALLY illegible#extranatural#paranatural au
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