#Anyway. I feel better now👍
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Drops to my knees and thanks the Gods for the existence of garlic
#Both for culinary and natural remedy reasons#Garlic is a literal actual godsend for dealing with tooth pain#Im not exaggerating when I say that I rely on garlic for soothing my tooth pain#If I didn't have it I'd have blasted my brain out the back of my skull a long long time ago no kidding#Anyway. I feel better now👍#malhare.txt
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roadside tongari snack break
#is the joke too niche?? whatever#did some digital doodling while i was sick bc i did Not trust my hands to stay steady enough to work on a traditional piece#i feel a bit better now. still working through some congestion but i dont feel on the verge of passin out no more 👍#nicholas d. wolfwood#vash the stampede#tongari the snack#trigun#98 or trimax continuity idc#either way i need to draw wolfwood with scruff or i Die#drawing#comic#illustration#artists on tumblr#small artist#manga#my art#fanart#not explicitly vashwood BUT. drawn with it in mind :3#anyway tongari the chip has to exist somewhere on no man's land for wolfwood to nickname vash after it. right#somehow this very specific japanese snack made it#ik nightow did not think that hard about worldbuilding but fuck it. tongari chips on no man's land
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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for all that anger is an ugly overwhelming sometimes scary thing, its so easy that you kind of miss it. like i used to be all made up of anger and it sucked, like there wasnt enough space in my body to carry it but now im older and ive changed and its melted away, and all im left with is like this gaping hole where it used to be that just fills up with melancholy and grief and loneliness instead and its way worse
#bad day 👍#all i was thinking was ok i slept in until 2.30 and my back is so fucked but i might feel a little better if i hit it out at the gym#and i remembered how sometimes guys go at the bag like theyre the fuckin punisher or smth and its really funny#but i cant sustain anger that way anymore#like when i was younger i would (if i had access to a bag i mean) have done that but now im just. idk i guess its healthier! its good!#but you dont get catharsis the same way out of sadness#anyway idk it really is just about how anger is like a safety blanket anger is your friend lets all think about werewolf metaphors for hour
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it’s crazy how much easier being conventionally attractive makes your life. it’s absurd like your appearance is least controllable thing ever and it means literally nothing lol but it still affects every aspect of your life…
#idk im not even the most attractive person ever but i was relentlessly bullied growing up and i was so lonely because no one wanted to be#friends with me. and now that im older and ive lost weight/wear makeup im treated so much better than i used to be.#even on a day to day basis im treated with more respect and kindness when i wear my fake tooth instead of just having my gap showing.#anyways this is a personal post feel free to reblog or comment if you relate in some way but please be normal 😁👍#🍎
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a compilation of ‘gortash about zeke’ posts. have fun
#he’s talking to shadowheart in the first ones i guess#y’know he’s drinking that blood from one of eke’s skulls#sorry normal thing to say#also that last one is literally just him @ zeke during the ‘lessons’ in speaking and such gort gives him lmao#anyways. i feel a little better now mainly because i forced my brain to stop thinking about anything that isn’t blorbos. is that healthy#or good for me when i have so much shit to do. probably not. but i am also not getting anything done while having a constant breakdown so. 👍#bg3#enver gortash#oc: zeke#gortash & zeke#gortash#baldur's gate 3
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHG
#feeling like ive been run over by a lorry#partly cause i woke up this morning after a horrific nightmare#so i tried to be nice to myself and sort of just keep going with my day#and then i feel so shit after doing a bit of studying that my arms start to stop working#and my brain feels like its melting#and im like ooh those are warning signs right#that means i need to take a break and do some self care#so i go into my siblings room and try and do some work there#and then it doesnt work cause i just cant concentrate and im shutting down#then i realise im on my period#so then i have a 2 hour nap#and now ive eaten something and drank something and taken paracetamol and have a heatpad and am not alone#so we're getting towards better 👍#maybe ill try and do some maths or maybe ill do something else to make me feel better#i want to cry and possibly explode#but its fiiiiine#anyway#rambles#cult rambles#tw vent#vent post
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i keep dropping little tidbits of marks backstory... one day i will spit it all out on some google doc or somethin
little mark + moose mom, mom who is moose
#oc#mark mahogany#moose mom#ill come up w a name for her at somepoint...#ANYWAYS I NEED EVERYONE TO SEE CHILD MARK NOW!!!!!!!#blood#LISTEN I. PROMISE ILL GET INTO MARK LORE WHEN I HAVE THE ENERGY TO DO SO!!!!#VRGGRHGRHRHEHGRHRG new character tiem#shes his mentor of sorts. shes the librarian + owner of the “archive” whatever place that mark currently works at#she took him under her wing and passed down the position to him#ALSO. THIS IS LIKE THE 3RD TIME IVE ACCIDENTALLY MADE AN ANTHRO CHARACTER TRANS#but im sticking with it ofc because i love her very much#mark has that Traumatized Child look in his eye👍 awesome#the context for the blood thing in the third image is that#mark is kind of like. constantly on edge and lashes out when he feels threatened. on top of all that hes a child#who is grappling w the fact that everyone around him continuously calls him a beast and a monster amd all that jazz. not as like an insult#but as and encouragement if thag makes sense#reminder that mark has been to therapy in canon#also im sorry i keep forgetting 2 draw mark with his cane i promise ill try and be better abt that in the future#ahhh i lauve him
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HUGE VENT
I'm sorry but i need to get this out, just please don't worry too much or take anything personally/gen
My routine these last two weeeks has been:
-Wake up at my 10 am alarm and spend the whole day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted, brain fog and no motivation for anything, only getting up to eat, having to wait for the "food time" hours to roll around that my therapist gave me because I'm not allowed to eat outside of those hours and if I'm hungry but missed the last food time then too bad, struggling to stay awake because again I'm not allowed to sleep out of the "sleep hours" she gave me and that includes naps, excitedly waiting for 21h30/22h to roll around so i can finally sleep
-Spend the evening mentally screaming in my mind because, while my body is still just as physically exhausted, my mind is suddenly sharp and full of ideas and motivation, but i'm still too tired to get up and draw
-Then spend midnight and onward rolling around in bed, hot and bored out of my mind because my physical tiredness also vanished, but i'm not allowed to get up and draw because it's "sleep hours" and i need to reschedule my body, and end up falling asleep at around 5 am
I'm totally not slowly loosing my mind 😃👍
Edit: Oh also the constant noise in my ears has gotten worse, i don't know what silence is anymore
Silence is actually worse than loud rooms
It's driving me insane
It's so loud
#literaly so mentally exhausted to the point that i forgot to ask a bunch of really important stuff and tests at my last gyneco appointement#i can't remember which med I'm supposed to take at a specific hour and which one is whenever. so i just take them both at the same time#i can't remember if i have still boxes of meds in advance and which one i need to go refill#because they're stuff i need to constantly take and not suddenly stop with#but i keep forgetting to check#and i can't remember where i put the prescriptions anyway#and which one are the right one and which one are old#I'm so tired#and I'm so tired of being tired#and I'm SO so so tired of constantly fighting to have my health and struggles acknowledge#i kinda just gave up and now i'm just mindlessly sitting there at the appointments for only 10 minutes being being told that i can leave#I've just been run in circles for way too long#and i get aggresively criticised every time i use advice and seek for help on the Internet. by the same doctors who don't give me ANY advic#or help#and my head has been pounding for two days#and my verbal ticks have gotten so bad that it genuinely gets hard to breathe sometimes#with a therapist that just made me talk in circles and lowkey criticised me for two hours#(this was our first real therapy meeting and they're supposed to only be 1 hour and are NOT reimbursed because the autism center will NOT#fucking answer to ANYONE. medical professional or not. so i had to go private 😃👍)#and the only thing she gave me at the end of those 2 hours was this schedule that I'm not allowed to bend#I've been trying to daydream about my AUs and develope them as usual to try to feel better#but now that i have time to draw. i just get more and more drawing ideas that keep pilling up and tear me apart from the inside because i#can't draw any of them thanks to this damn fatigue#i literally only did 1 af revenge and still need to do 3 more. and i genuinely don't know if I'll manage to do that#i told two friends that ill draw something for them. but nothing. because too tired and everything keeps slipping from my mind#i will daydream about Dimentio for hours straight. then forget that i did. and panic that the fixation is slipping because i “haven't#thought about him in a while“. ”a while“ was 40 seconds ago. I'm not exaggerating this keeps happening#i also keep spending the night DRENCHED in sweat because i just can't sleep without my blanket on me anymore. so more struggles#vent#negative
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Haha what if all the overwhelming rage I'm suddenly feeling is actually just 21 years of accumulated injustices that I'm only now starting to feel because my self esteem is improving. But then because it's so overwhelming that it feels genuinely unsafe to both myself and those around me for me to express it, I have to repress it further and the only way I know how to do that is to lower my self esteem again so that I don't feel angry cause I no longer feel like I ever deserved better
#haha what if? jk jk... unless 😳#anyways. how do you express anger like this safely#seriously please help me i need advice im going nuts#i feel like the people i know now have never treated me bad but ive never required them not to (they just do it on their own)#and in some fucked up way i guess this makes me mad at them as if they are treating me badly?#idk. idk how to explain it and when i do it sounds fucking dumb#i dont want to get angry at people who arent doing anything wrong and demand them to do better when its not really about them at all#does any of this make sense#im having feelings that dont reflect my current reality and then feeling ashamed about that 👍 as i tend to do
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goodnight 😴
#well now i am sad about characters i made up again.#what if [redacted events] occurred and you were suddenly forced to reconsider your whole future#and you were sooo scared of growing up and there was only one person you could even tolerate doing that with. and then he [redacted]#and joined the cia. anyway.#GOODNIGHT! i have to do things tomorrow oh my god! the hot water heater didn't work and my shower was freezing!#tomorrow i will make a to-do list and feel a lot better! goodnight 👍#.txt
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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i do sort of feel like i was born with an open wound instead of a heart sometimes. and i can only ever bleed or tourniquet, and neither option wins you any love
#like. you know?#been thinking about the uh... impossibility of it all. the wall i've built and can't break#you just can't talk to anyone about anything. and you can't tell people you can't do something#they'll make you do it or try to do it & you have to be grateful because they're right after all#nothing about me matters or ever has mattered i think#if i can't do something i have to do it anyway so the other person feels better. like they're doing something#i am performing my life for everyone around me#and i'll be honest guys. it is not fucking looking good 👍#idk. sad. sighs really heavy. well i guess i never had a choice in anything so it doesn't make sense to grieve it now#maybe i should cut my arms off so when i say i can't do something someone actually listens to me haha#vent#tbd#i dont wanna talk abt it. shockerrrr
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I spent so long pre and early transition fixated on all the things I hated about myself and my body that I deemed permanent and unchangeable and I was so scared about everything and gender/sex/ being trans was always near the front of my mind but now im over 2 years on t and I pass as a cis guy even at the gym or to weirdos and I don't rly think about that stuff anywhere near as much. Hopefully in the future it'll just fade even more into the background. For all intents and purposes other than the 5 min it takes to put on gel every day and 5 min every few days to bind with tape im existing in the world identically to any other cis man and I didn't rly think it would get this easy or that it would get better
#anyway. rambling 👍#not rly sure the point of this ig just that it does get better with time and i need to remember it used to be rly bad and be happier about#how things are now. hormones r wild i feel like ive not rly changed thatmucu from them except my voice tbh#but ive put in lots of effort ti change my behaviour and mannerisms thatve becomr natural now#i think just being more confident helped a lot. which came w being more comfortable in my body which was thanms to t#sometimes i feel guilty that it feels like transitioning has gone so smoothly with what feels like v little effort idk. smn ik said thats#just survivors guilt n i somewhat agree. just feels unfair but i loveeee my own suffering as payment for things#idk. maybe this is delusion n i still look like a [tag redacyed im having normal boy summer no brainworms allowed]
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amazing what sleep will do if you're feeling bad
#speak friend and enter#i stayed up till 3 last night bc i was upset and didn't want to be alone w my thoughts essentially#and then wondered why i just kept feeling worse as the night went on 😐#for context i hadn't slept since sunday night so. i think that was a large part of my problem#but now ive slept and cried a lot of it out so im gonna go get 'breakfast' (it is 2pm) and go shopping 👍#i think cleaning and decorating my new place will make me feel better too. i always get kinda icked out by new apartments#just because i haven't had time to clean them the way i want yet. but i can do that today!#and i ordered a new mattress and can get a duvet today and make it feel like my own :)#anyway. the scary thing about all this is that it's all up to me to make it work.#but on the flip side it's all up to me!!!! no gods no masters just me and whatever strikes me at the moment :^)#i dare say i think it's gonna be ok! and if it's not im gonna make it ok!
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having genuinely four different things that caused nausea and could have put me through to upchuck but not, and instead actually throwing up a full week after any of them is insane. whats going on in there.
#maybe they used some weird different type of numbing agent at the dentist or smth bc this was insane#emetophobia#<- i hope thats a catchall tag that will get filtered!!#not to be crass but strictly compared to being nauseous throwing up is honestly the preferred option#<- speaking as someone who is nauseous a significant portion of life#anyway christ i feel so much better now!!!#no idea wtf caused that but im sure she'll be right 👍
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