#Anyway it’s very amusing. Being the only functional one in here

[steampunk-raven]

can I stop rapid switching. please. that would be lovely

[saerins]

[ ೀ pucker up, buttercup | itoshi sae ]

ೀ content: female reader, fluff, sae and reader are adults, pet names (sae’s choice of words are stupid/idiot, calls reader ‘my girl’), alcohol, slightly suggestive at the end. | wc 1.5k | notes: okay did a very quick drabble for sae for christmas !! merry christmas to you guys <3

ೀ summary: being sae’s girlfriend is tough. there’s a lot of things he can’t make time for, and unfortunately this time, it’s you. but somehow, he always pulls through.

it’s christmas eve and you’re at your company function, looking at the fruits of your hard labour.

the event hall is decked with christmas decorations; stockings lining the walls and corresponding to different names for everyone’s secret santa to gift accordingly, christmas lights surrounding every table, everyone getting their fair share of the catering you’d arranged.

“this is amazing,” your boss gushes as she excitedly throws her arms around you. she’s only a few years older than you, so it’s not all too surprising that she’s always super friendly with you.

“relax on the alcohol, okay?” you joke with her, smelling the liquor already.

she pouts at you, batting her eyelashes. “oh c’mon, are you still upset that your boyfriend couldn’t make it for christmas?”

you sigh, though you keep a strong front, smiling through it. being the private girlfriend of an international soccer superstar is tough; he has to miss holidays and special occasions and more often than not you can’t even get your calls through because he’s just that busy. you’d been excited for this year’s christmas though, because he had said he’d be able to fly back home this time.

but as it turns out, his manager—who so happens to love overworking him—has other plans. so all of that excitement just went down the drain. still, what else can you say to him other than good luck with it? you knew being his girlfriend was going to be tough, but it’s starting to take a toll after feeling like you barely exist in his world.

still, you stare at the message he last sent you.

i love you.

and you go soft. soft, because you know he means it. soft, because despite everything, you believe in the man you fell in love with. the one who gave you your first kiss back in high school, the one who’s so awkward that even initiating to hold hands last time had his entire face beet red. the one who never fails to assure you that in spite of the distance, he’s always still thinking of you.

you fiddle with your necklace, the promise ring sae gave you when you were back in high school sitting around your neck like it always has.

in between all the long distance arguments and the time differences and the i miss you, wish you were here with me, you still find yourself hopelessly in love with itoshi sae. even when your friends say they can’t imagine being in your shoes, even when numerous tabloids love to put models or athletes as your competition, you know there’s still no one else you’d rather be with than him.

“i’m fine, really,” you assure your boss, prying her off of you and then adjusting her so her arm is around your shoulder as you lead her to her stocking. “here, why don’t you busy yourself and see what your secret santa got you?”

you really just want to distract your boss so she wouldn’t accidentally end up throwing you a pity party. all you want to do today is to make it through it, spend the first hour of christmas day rounding up the party and then get home and sleep your day away. it’ll distract you from the absence of your boyfriend anyway.

as you watch your boss happily open up whatever’s in her stocking, you wonder if your secret santa got you anything. (of course, some secret santas are dicks and end up not getting their person anything.) so count yourself lucky when you open up your stocking to find both a gift and a card.

amused, you rip the card out of its envelope, your heart skipping a beat when you see that inside of it, there’s a picture of you and sae as high school kids, beside each other, his face deadpan while you’re grinning from ear to ear, resting your head against his shoulder. the message reads: i love you so much it’s stupid.

you’re still in shock but you open up the little gift box, maroon with a green bow on it. when you see what’s inside, you can’t help but chuckle.

holding it above you, under the light, you can see the words hey, stupid engraved on the side of the fake mistletoe before feeling a warm pair of arms wrapping around your waist from behind, cold lips catching you off guard as they press themselves against yours.

it fills you up inside, takes all the weight off your shoulders. you’ll recognise him anywhere, without having to look or hear, the way his lips feel against yours, how he holds you gently against him, laughing softly against your lips as you pull him closer to you by the collar.

never in your wildest dreams did you expect to see your boyfriend in japan, let alone at your work party of all places, and now here you both are, kissing under the mistletoe.

“woah relax there,” he teases you, pulling away but still holding you close.

he’s here, he’s actually here. his hair’s in a mess, and there are circles under his eyes, but he’s smiling. he’s smiling at you and he’s here with you and you don’t even feel the tears forming in your eyes because you’re too busy relishing in the moment.

“itoshi sae,” you call out to him, your hands patting on his body, his black coat and his scarf are real and he’s here—he’s really here. “i thought you were too busy to come back…”

how long has it been now since you’d last seen him? a year? perhaps longer? he’s been so busy nowadays that you wondered at one point if he would even come back to you at all.

sae sighs, holding your cheeks in his hands as he presses his forehead against yours. “i’m sorry,” he says tensely, shaking his head slightly. “i was away for so long, and i just…” his teal eyes stare into yours, both your eyelashes dancing against one another. “i missed you, and i just wanted to see you.”

you’re laughing in disbelief, still holding him close because you’re just that afraid that this’ll all be an illusion that might soon slip away. “and they just let you off like that? that simple?”

he presses his lips into a firm line, averting his gaze. “let’s just say that they weren’t happy about it but i’m the important one, so…” he smiles, genuinely, putting an arm around. “they don’t have a choice but to let me come home to see my girl.”

turns out, he’d called in a favour to your boss, asked her about christmas plans because he knew from your texts that you were in charge of putting it all together. and then he asked her to put the gifts in your stocking. and you laugh hearing about it, because you’re thinking of how your life could’ve gone a totally different way. you could’ve gotten into a relationship with someone else who wouldn’t do this much for you, wouldn’t make time for you, wouldn’t travel across the world and put their own things down all in the name of meeting you.

“what’re you thinking about, stupid?”

you look into his eyes, shaking your head. “nothing, it’s nothing, i just- i love you, itoshi sae.” you smile, and sae smiles too because he loves how your smile reaches your eyes. and he loves being the reason you smile so he’s going to keep being that—and he makes a promise to himself to make you happy for life. but maybe that’s a gesture for next time. right now, he just wants to spend the rest of the holidays with you.

the clock strikes twelve, and he steals the mistletoe from you, holding it up between the two of you again, wincing from how cheesy it is after he does it, earning a chuckle from you.

“merry christmas, idiot.” and he kisses you again, long and slow and completely oblivious to everyone else that’s there who are staring and clapping—half of them still in awe that the itoshi sae is here and half of them in shock after putting two and two together that he’s your special guy.

“so, you’re gonna be here till new years’?” you ask in between kisses.

sae nods, “at least, why?”

you grin, pulling him by the belt as you lead him out of the event hall. “think it’s time we get home and just spend it between the two of us, yeah?”

sae laughs, letting you drag him along, wondering whether by this time next year, will he be lucky enough to call you his wife?

but when he sees that promise ring he gifted you still nestling snug around your neck, he has no doubt. you’re each other’s for life. and you’re worth every single risk he has to take.

[mynameisjag]

Prompt: Ghost are still considered non-sentient, which leads to people playing Pokémon with the ghost and unfortunately for Danny, he's basically a legendary with some high stats and it was only time before someone was able to snatch him up.

Ghost being more beasty or ethereal looking, they communicate through Ghost speak which just sounds like hisses/growls to other species. Danny looks like a Naga and communicates like one.

Warning: The Bats treating Phantom like a wild newly discovered creature species. Scientific discussions about his body in front of him, discussions about Ghosts possibly being able to breed because in Phantom form, Danny is duel gendered.

“How!?”

“Jealous?”, Jason watched in amusement as the youngest in the family fumed and stomped around, the kid honestly looked like an angry kitten. Not his fault he managed to snag the Ghost before the rest of them, besides it was in his Alley, so he had rights to it anyway.

Didn’t stop Damian from glaring and huffing about it being unfair, everyone else was either ignoring them or just rolling their eyes in expiration.

Not that he could blame the kid, catching Phantom was basically hitting the lottery, the Ghost was on the top of the list of most wanted. There were videos, essays, debates, everything on them from species type, to power sets, possible weaknesses, likely Obsessions…and Jason caught them. He pinned them down and snapped the collar on as soon as he saw who exactly was haunting his territory.

Currently Phantom was going through an observation…okay, they were currently being poked at by Tim and Bruce, the Replacement eagerly jotting down things he found or didn’t find, treating procedure like a puzzle.

The Ghost was curled up in the observation table, currently wrapped up in a snake like tail instead of legs, giving off Naga vibes that included hissing and snapping teeth in mock bites.

There was no real threat behind the actions considering the poor things condition, whatever or whoever had tried to catch the feral beastie did a number on them before Jason was able to snatch them for his own.

No matter, Jason took care of his things and he’ll have his new companion looking all shiny and pretty before long.

Dick was lazily spinning in Bruce’s computer chair, legs hanging askew, “Sooo, how are going to register them? Can’t exactly put down Red Hood in the Owner’s signature?”

“Going to go with the ‘Jason Todd and Red Hood being “secret” partners route’, as far as the docs will show, Phantom got caught by Hood in his territory and made a lovely gift to the Alley’s biggest supporter.”

“Nice.”

A silent agreeable silence passed between them as everything started to truly settle for the night.

Phantom was still hissing as Tim held out a device to scan over the Ghost, “Mostly exhaustion, energy drained, malnutrition, probably due to being on the run and unable to get a proper meal. Oh, congratulations, it’s a…hermaphrodite…huh…”

Bruce just hummed in response, taking the device from his son, “Not unusual, there have been reported cases of similar body formations, if you look here in this area, this is very close in resemblance to that of snakes cloaca, given how its been recorded of their ability to shift from tail to legs, it’s a high probability that there is an external and internal shift to match the forms and still keep the functionality of both genitalia.”

“So…wait! That means they can breed! Which means other Ghosts that are similar can too! Which means there are natural born Ghosts?”

“Ghost is only a common used term, coined by the Fentons, real ghosts like Deadman aren’t like these creatures, and given how terrible the Fentons research was…we are unable to fully understand most habits and causes of the species.”

Tim reached back for the scanner, eyes scrolling over the details in excited glee, beings that were basically unknown, improbably recorded, a huge mystery with smaller mysteries within, “I’m going to compare these scans with known species of reptiles, might get a standard bar of health in comparison and possible hints at behavior.”

Another hum came from the Dark Knight, focus turning to watching the youngest move his way in between him and Tim, Damian had came back dressed in civilian clothes and was holding an apple out to the Ghost, “I have brought you a treat.”

They all watched as Phantom hesitated, hissing slowly dissipating as it takes in the fruit, a clawed hand reaching out to take it, sniffing it before taking a small bite.

“So can eat fruit? Can they all eat fruit or just Phantom?”

“Hush, Drake, your voice is grating and might cause them to lash out in hopes of peaceful silence.”

“Excuse you!”

The two continued to bicker, the creature on the examination table just steadily continued eating, bright pure green eyes watching them before taking in the room.

Dick made an attention whistle at Jason, nodding at the way the Ghost was eyeing possible exits, his brother just shrugged in response.

With that collar, there wasn’t any place the other could hide without a Bat knowing exactly where they were.

[generalsmemories]

hello jing yuan's wife!! congrats on 1k followers! you very much deserved it 😊 may i please request for jing yuan with angst scenario #5? thank you in advance!

Stubbornness

✧ jing yuan x gn!reader

✧ prompt used: needing to go to an event after a party and having to pretend as if they aren’t angry with one another the entire time || 1k event

✧ contents: established relationship, hurt/comfort, alcohol consumption, arguments cause yeehaw, however happy ending cause they are functioning adults, mentions of other characters

✧ a/n: the amount of times ya'll have called me jing yuan's wife at this point HAHAH. anyway! first drabble to kickstart the 1k event is a sort of angsty one because why not but ya'll remember that one book where the sanctus medicus had 5 operations to try and get rid of jing yuan? yeah have that back in mind. - also not beta-read but who is surprised at this point LMFAO

"... You could've died."

Jing Yuan snorts, adjusting the bracers on his forearms without even sparing you a glance, "But I'm here right now breathing, aren't I?" he quips back instead, almost sounding amused at your worry.

It infuriates you. It baffles you how little he truly cared about the situation and at the severity of it. The hair you had for once tried to style already messy by the amount of times you've ran a hand through it out of stress or frustration the past two hours.

You're so glad you made Yanqing leave earlier to assist where it was necessary.

"Do you honestly see this as a mere joke, Jing Yuan?" you sneer, arms crossed whilst leaning one side against the doorframe. He must already know what you're referring to, being that you had finally opened the report handed to you from today - a report telling that there was yet another attempt on his life.

Another attempt that he didn't want to tell you about.

"Quite the contrary," he says, turning around to finally face you. His smile is still present on his lips which only serves to make you more agitated, "Nothing happened as you can see, and I'm perfectly fine. As such I didn't see the need to tell you about it because nothing happened. I wasn't even at the Artisanship Commission like they thought-"

"Because you got delayed."

He sighs, crossing his arms as well and cocking his head to the side, "Dear, with the amount you're worrying about me it makes me believe you have no trust in my capabilities to protect myself. Am I right to assume that?" he questions, his smile fading a bit after he had asked.

"Where the hell did you even get that from- Can I not worry about my lovers safety even when I'm aware of his swordmanship?" you ask, clicking your tongue whilst running yet another hand through your strands.

"And I'm telling you that it is a needless worry-"

"You're fucking unbelievable," you scoff, turning around to head for the entrance of your home, Jing Yuan quirking an eyebrow at your retreating form, "Oh? You're not going to nag at me further?" he asks, his tone may be lighthearted, but even you can pick out the slight bite it has to it.

"Even looking at you right now makes me want to punch you. The fact that you can't even see where I'm coming from is unbelievable enough, so fine! I won't worry more about our dear general," you bite back, slamming the door shut once you're at the other side.

You can come up with an excuse as to why the two of you arrive separately - it wouldn't be the first time after all.

"You must be quite delighted that the expedition finished earlier than planned, right [Name]?" Master Gongshu asks, handing you a glass and immediately clinking his own against it before taking a sip, "Even the tiny lieutenant made more of a name to himself out there."

You snicker, swirling the contents of the drink before you, stealing a brief glance over at Jing Yuan who is surrounded himself, "Indeed, I'm quite relieved to see him and Yanqing safely return to the Luofu."

Even though there was immediately another attempt on his life the moment he stepped one foot back onboard.

"But say, aren't you a bit saddened that the general haven't been by your side as much today? He's practically surrounded by the other commissioners and knights," master Gongshu points out, to which you only shake your head, "Why of course not, as long as I know that my husband is safe - I wouldn't have to worry about anything," you say - a bit louder than needed.

You know Jing Yuan heard you.

He kept his attention solely on the people before him though, not even sparing you a glance.

The sight makes you let out another loud sigh, bringing the glass to your lips only to immediately drink it in one gulp, Master Gongshu snickering beside you while calling another waiter over, "Oho, I see you're rearing to go so early! This is indeed what a celebration feast is about!" Master Gonshu roars, his laughter having been a bit too loud to attract the attention of other people, who merely snickered at his own energy.

Jing Yuan only narrowed his eyes, eyebrows furrowing in displeasure at your comment. It seems like you still haven't cooled down. But as soon as he heard his name get called, he was all smiles again, "Aren't you worried that [Name] is going to drink too much, general?" a solider jokingly asked, raising his own glass to have a toast with the general. Jing Yuan merely let out a low chuckle, "Of course not, and even if they were to, I'm here to take care of them."

At this point, the master diviner had made herself to your side with a few snacks - just in time to see your expression twist for a split second upon hearing what Jing Yuan said, letting out a laugh yourself, "Oh, don't worry dear. I know how to take care of myself, so there's no need for you to needlessly worry like this!"

She can practically sense the animosity between you two that no one else in the room has apparently picked up on.

But Fu Xuan does admit that seeing Jing Yuan's perfectly crafted smile twitch a bit in annoyance while his eyebrows furrowed a tiny bit did bring her satisfaction - a taste of his own medicine.

So while master Gongshu have wandered off to get a refill, she makes her way over to you with a raised eyebrow, "Trouble in paradise?" she asks lowly, you merely huff in return - turning around to lean on the fence, staring at the various starskiffs in the air, "... No."

"I applaud you for still wanting to lie in front of me," Fu Xuan comments, placing the tray of various snacks beside you for your perusal - you don't grab anything, already lost in thought.

"Is it a needless worry?" you end up asking, Fu Xuan having leaned against the fence herself while having her body turned to face you, "About what? His safety? Yes and no."

"Gee, that helps a lot."

"He's a general, [Name]. An attempt on his life is unfortunately common sense, moreso at this time too being that he had just returned from an expedition and would be by some standards - exhausted and have his senses dulled."

"So why-"

"But it's also because he is a general that precautions are taken. Even if he got delayed or not before coming to the Artisanship Commission, the Cloud Knights stationed had already intercepted the attempt - he would've still been safe."

You bite your tongue to prevent yourself from blurting anything more. In hindsight you were perfectly aware that Jing Yuan would be fine - but you're pretty sure there's not a single lover out there who would not worry about their own husbands' safety if his head had once again been targeted - even if it had been yet another failed attempt.

Before you can admit your wrongdoings to Fu Xuan, you feel an arm slither around your waist - delicate lips pressing against your temple, and from the faint breath Jing Yuan lets out, you can tell he's had a few more to drink than you in the span of your conversation with Fu Xuan.

"... I thought you didn't like to drink that much," you say softly, turning around in his hold only to be met with a smile, "And I thought you weren't going to speak to me?" he whispers back. You merely huff and let his head fall down to your shoulder, sending Fu Xuan a pleading gaze to which she immediately gets without you needing to say anything more - walking over to the crowd of onlookers to step in for both you and Jing Yuan.

"I am still mad," you finally utter after a few minutes of silence between the two of you.

"Whatever can I do to make my beloved not mad at me then?" he asks back in a whisper, careful to not let anyone else hear the two of you. You can tell from your peripheral vision that he's turned his head to face you, although you keep your gaze facing forward.

"Admit you were wrong," you huff, Jing Yuan letting out a low chuckle at how you're still holding onto that stubborness, "I'm pretty sure I saw that you were about to admit that you were wrong to the master diviner, no?"

You don't answer, merely looking away in a silent defiance. The sight making Jing Yuan sigh in amusement, "Alright, I'm sorry dear. I'll make sure to tell you in the future whenever I feel something amiss," he says in the end - but before you can accept that apology, he quickly adds on.

"In return, I do hope you tell me whenever the disciples also target you."

.... Oh.

"... You know you could've made me inform you in any other way than having us argue?" you state, back to your moody self - the switch in mood making your husband laugh, "Not such a great feeling being left in the dark, is it?" he reminds you - and you hate how effective this sort of method is.

So your only reply is to wrap your arms around his waist, "I'm sorry," You can feel his body shake with laughter, his own arms wrapping around your shoulders before you feel his lips pressing themselves at the top of your head, "Now stop being mad, because these few hours were quite tortuous for me."

"You just say that because I usually do all the talking."

"Precisely."

struggled with that ending for 3 days man.

[neontokyoo]

Hello I saw your post about fic request and I'm here to humbly ask you if you'd write anything with Halsin and a pregnant partner (Tav) after the epilogue party.

@amorgansgal and me both wrote a little something about how he would be at the party and that kinda brought my thoughts back to that whole thing.

I'm thinking some domestic fluff, or maybe how the companions would react, would they visit/ come over to care for the soon-to-be-growing-family, who's gonna be the cool uncle and/ or wine aunt and the likes of that.

Of course I'd also take anything with smut, I'm enthusiastically on board with anything Halsin related :D

Anyway, if you get around to writing a lil something, I'd be very happy! <3

of course! I love my bear-man! This is quite possibly one of my cutest requests I have ever gotten. Hopefully my heart is still functioning in one piece by the time I finish this 😂

Pairing: Halsin x Fem!Tav Genre: fluff Summary: After finally defeating the Netherbrain Tav finds herself expecting Halsin’s baby. Which, unfortunately, the rest of the party was able to find out about fairly quickly. Warnings: possible mentions of (bear) sex and bg3 spoilers.

Like this post? Join my new community!

Everyone at the party after the final battle knew that there was something different about Tav. They couldn’t quite wrap their heads around it, but they could tell something was going on.

Perhaps it was the extra weight she gained, or the way she waddles when she walks. But they definitely knew something was up. Especially when Halsin was beaming every time he saw Tav, or occasionally wrapping his arms around her waist with his hands resting on her stomach. It wasn’t until then that they realized what it was.

Tav was pregnant.

“Hmm, do you think that the child would come out as a bear or a person?” Astarion snickered. “That sounds like quite the interesting—and painful—delivery for Tav.”

“That’s enough of that.” Gale grumbled, elbowing the vampire’s shoulder. “I highly doubt their offspring will be a bear. Halsin isn’t even completely a bear.”

“No, but he’s a man-bear,” the vampire replied matter-of-factly. “Who knows, maybe they got down and dirty in bear form,” he shrugged, “it’s always a possibility.”

“That’s not a weird way to think about your friends at all,” Shadowheart muttered. “But I’m pretty sure their baby is not going to be a bear. They might not even be a Druid like Halsin is, so the chances of them being a bear are pretty slim.”

“I love how we’re arguing about whether the child is a bear or a person,” Karlach chuckled, crossing her arms over her chest. “Usually it’s an argument about whether it’s a boy or a girl.”

The group continued their banter, only to go completely silent when the couple in question came in to view.

The couple held hands as they talked to each other in the distance, close enough for the group to stop talking so they’re not overheard, but far enough for the group to not hear their conversation.

Tav looked at her boyfriend, laughing to herself as she glanced over at the rest of her companions. “Do you think they know?”

Halsin couldn’t help but smirk as he laughed along with her. “They definitely know about it if they’re arguing over if it’s going to be a bear or not.”

“Then there’s no point in telling them?”

The elf shook his head as he looked at the group with an amused expression, visible fear on their faces as they realized Halsin knew what they were talking about. “No, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

A sudden light blush spread across Tav’s cheeks as the realization hit her. “But how in the nine hells do they know that I fucked you as a bear?!”

Halsin shrugged.

“You guys are just so fucking loud, we could hear the roars from camp!” Astarion shouted, overhearing parts of the conversation as they got closer.

The couple burst out laughing.

“Well, looks like we’ll need to go even deeper into the woods next time.” Halsin chuckled.

“If we go any deeper we might run out of woods!” Tav exclaimed.

Halsin smiled, turning to meet Tav’s gaze as he pulled a strand of hair out of her face and pulled her in for a quick kiss.

“At least we know that it’s not a bear baby.”

Extra headcanons:

The pregnancy was planned and Tav and Halsin have been thinking about it for a long time before they decided it was something they really wanted to do.

Astarion and Gale are constantly fighting over the baby after it’s born.

Karlach, Astarion, and (possibly) Minthara are the rich wine aunts who like to gossip with the kid about all the drama going on in their life as they get older.

Gale, Wyll, Lae’zel, and Shadowheart are the cool uncles who spoil the child and teach them how to defend themselves.

Halsin has a soft spot for girls. I personally just see him being the biggest girl dad.

when the baby was born, Tav and Halsin had to distance themselves from the rest of the party because they were never able to see their child when they had all their companions together.

Gale teaches the child magic.

Lae’zel, Wyll, and Karlach teach the child how to fight.

Astarion teaches them how to sneak around, steal without getting caught, and break into locked doors.

Shadowheart teaches them how to help protect themselves and the people around them

Tav and Halsin try to teach their kid that half of what they’re being taught is not okay. They don’t want their children sneaking around and picking fights 😂

[unbeknownsttomen]

this is going to be completly opaque im sorry, i just really wanted to play with some of my OC. one thing i enjoy is making them be unexpectedly connected because i like it when everything is connected in my stories. these are the characters from a novella i wrote back in 2012 called Eigen, which i never published anywhere

(the story is essentially two scientists who were trying to create a space that was bigger on the inside than the outside fuck up, get trapped in a tesseract that functions very similar to the videogame qube and then eventually they manage to hack into the tesseract and get ungrounded from time and space and as they randomly jump through time periods, alternate dimensions and pocket universes they are desperatly trying to get grounded back again into their time and their world)

and the characters from my little comic Aika.

i like the idea that, by sheer time-space bullshit they end up having a baby somewhere in the multiverse that ends up being adopted into a normal family and the kid then grows up to be a trans woman who invents time travel and subsequently she herself gets tangled into stupid knots but at least this time within the boundaries of her own timeline

i dont know, sometimes i draw things to amuse myself only but im going to share them here anyway

[antialiasis]

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: all of my thoughts (part 1)

All right, this is me, watching my way through my current obsession The Good, the Bad and the Ugly for the umpteenth time and rambling about everything that comes to mind as I go, which ended up with me typing over thirty thousand words because I am incapable of shutting up. Because that is truly excessive, I will be posting my thoughts in three parts; this is part one (covering roughly the first hour and thirteen minutes of the Extended Cut, up through the end of the desert/carriage sequence), and I'll probably post part two in a few days to a week, pending editing and such and some of the other things I should be doing.

Because that's a lot of reading to commit to without knowing what you're getting into, especially if you're here from the tag, here's what to expect in brief:

This is all of my thoughts, simply whatever comes to mind, but my thoughts on fiction tend to be heavy on in-depth analysis of characters, their motivations and how they tick, so a lot of this falls into that general category.

In particular, there will be a whole lot of thoughts on Tuco, Blondie, and their evolving character dynamic, which is my favorite part of the movie. I will not be looking at it through a shippy lens, for what it's worth (romantic shipping is not generally how I personally engage with fiction), but I hope anyone who finds their dynamic compelling in whatever way might still enjoy some of my thoughts on them!

In between, there's also a bunch of other commentary on stuff like the narrative function of scenes (especially on the scenes that were cut in the International Cut of the film and whether the film is better with or without them), directorial or editing or production design or storytelling choices, acting choices, foreshadowing and parallels, as well as some lighter commentary on bits that amuse me or bug me or that I particularly enjoy.

Sometimes I will just be making observations about random things I didn't necessarily notice or pick up on on my first viewing; many of them are probably kind of obvious, but if I didn't pick them up seeing it once, probably there's at least a chance they might be interesting for other people who have only seen it once.

This is not a recap of the movie, but I do try to quote lines or explain bits that I'm commenting on, so hopefully you can follow along if you've seen the movie at all. I don't know how coherent this would be if you haven't seen the movie, but if you choose to read a post like this about a movie you haven't seen anyway, godspeed to you.

Tuco's introduction

The opening scene sure is a microcosm of Sergio Leone's directorial style. Slow, silent close-ups, wide shots, unclear exactly where the scene is going initially, these unnamed characters eventually converge on a saloon -- and then instead of following them inside, Tuco comes crashing through the window and we freeze-frame. It's very drawn out (I had a bit of an "Is the whole movie going to be like this" moment watching it for the first time), but the comic timing of Tuco and the freeze-frame is great; instantly we go from this super slow, dramatic buildup to this fun, humorous subversion that really sets a tone. All that buildup was actually for introducing this guy.

In the process, we learn that 1) Tuco is someone at least three different people want to kill, 2) he's someone skilled and resourceful enough to manage to shoot them first and then make his escape through the window even after being caught unawares during a meal by three people working together, and 3) even in the process of doing that he brings his food with him -- probably actually pretty revealing about his background of poverty, not wanting to waste food when he has it. We'll of course see him introduced further a little later, but this really says a lot for only actually containing about ten silent seconds of him, and also benefits from being funny.

It's kind of amusing how bloodless most gun deaths are in this movie, considering it doesn't shy away from blood in other parts. The surviving bounty hunter does have some blood on his hand as he tries to shoot after Tuco, probably to convey that he's injured despite still being alive, but the others are just cleanly lying there with no signs of damage. Maybe it's paying homage to what other Westerns looked like -- the actual cowboy gunslinging specifically is very idealized, sanitized and almost cartoonish, compared to a lot of the other violence in the film. I remember being a kid and hearing about the trope of people in old Westerns getting shot and dramatically going flying as a result, despite that normal bullets are far too small for their momentum to send a person flying anywhere -- you don't actually see too much of that in modern movies, where everything tends to look much more realistic, but this movie definitely has a lot of very dramatic flailing and spinning around when people get shot in a way that looks pretty distinctly silly and cartoony today. Ultimately it meshes pretty well with the overall tone of the film, though; this movie is gritty in many respects, but it does not aspire to realism.

Angel Eyes' introduction

The way Angel Eyes just silently waltzes into Stevens' home and helps himself to some of his food while maintaining eye contact the whole time is so weird and uncomfortable, it's delightful. What an entrance.

Stevens has a limp. People who have fought in the war tend to be visibly scarred by it in this movie -- truly something that just permeates every background detail, that you don't really think about on a first viewing when you think the Civil War is just a setting backdrop.

There is zero dialogue in this film until more than ten and a half minutes in (though the first three minutes of that are the opening credits, so it's seven and a half minutes of actual movie with no dialogue). I think this is a very fun choice which contributes to the viewer really feeling how unbearable the silence is for Stevens by the time he starts asking Angel Eyes if Baker sent him - half of that silence wasn't even technically part of this scene, but it really intensifies it by making the silence here feel even longer than it is.

When Stevens says, "I know nothing at all about that case of coins!", Angel Eyes looks up with interest from where he'd been casually looking at his food. Evidently he had had no idea there was any case of coins involved, only that he was meant to collect a name, but once Stevens mentions it, his interest is piqued.

Angel Eyes casually offers, "Well, Jackson was here, or Baker's got it all wrong," while cutting off and eating a piece of bread with a large knife, sort of implicitly daring Stevens to try to say Baker's got it all wrong and see what happens. When he's got Tuco captured later, Angel Eyes does a similar thing of staying friendly-threatening as he casually asks questions, but once Tuco actually refuses to talk of his own accord, out come the claws. This time, though, Stevens does not take the bait, probably sensing that that would lead nowhere good for him.

He says, "Maybe Baker would like to know just what you and Jackson had to say about the cash box" -- this isn't the info he came for, but maybe Baker would be interested. Really it's Angel Eyes himself who is intrigued -- he'll go on to tell Baker that that's my bit. But he doesn't really bother pushing Stevens for it, instead moving on to admitting he's being paid for the name specifically. Probably he figures once he gets the name, he'll have all the info he needs to track him down anyway by his usual means (which it turns out he does).

The casual, grinning confidence of Angel Eyes' assertion that if Jackson weren't going by an alias he would've found him already, "That's why they pay me," really makes you believe it, doesn't it. It's exposition about what Angel Eyes does, but is also executed to work as a nice character-establishing moment about his competence.

Christopher Frayling's otherwise fun and informative commentary on the film talked about how Angel Eyes' missing fingertip was provided by a hand double in the final truel -- but you can see in this scene that Lee van Cleef's own right hand is definitely missing that fingertip (though I did not notice it at all until I thought to specifically look for it). Very curious where the notion of a hand double came from -- he even named a specific guy.

Angel Eyes casually announces that when he's paid, he always sees the job through, even though that's just going to make Stevens desperate -- Angel Eyes knows he can shoot first, no big deal.

He shoots Stevens through the table and the food, even. How does he aim.

Angel Eyes grabs his gun and turns around to shoot Stevens' son before he actually comes into view (specifically, we see him start to react to something about ten frames before we can first see the tip of the son's rifle). Presumably, in-universe, he heard him coming, but we don't hear him coming at all over the blaring background chord, so it feels like Angel Eyes just knows he's coming by some sixth sense. Very effective at making him seem even more threatening, especially since there's also generally a conscious decision in this movie to act as if the characters can't see anything that's out of frame for the viewer -- Blondie and Tuco get caught out by that rule a couple of times in amusing ways, but Angel Eyes actively defies the auditory equivalent.

(It's neat how the family photo, used for Angel Eyes obliquely threatening Stevens' family, also serves as foreshadowing for the fact he also has this second, older son we hadn't seen yet at that point.)

The fact Angel Eyes sneaks into Baker's bedroom when he's sleeping to report back is so extra. A normal person would just arrange to meet him the next morning, but no, Angel Eyes does the creepy stalker thing. Probably makes the murdering him in his bed bit a little easier, though, which also suggests he was definitely intending on that bit the whole time and didn't just "almost forget".

Baker's brow furrows and his eyes shift uncomfortably when Angel Eyes mentions the cash box; clearly he was hoping Angel Eyes would never find out about that bit (very reasonably, given what happens next).

All in all, Angel Eyes' introduction is super striking. The casual veneer and smug grins painted over a deeply tense sense of threat; the absolute deadly confidence; the fact he shoots Stevens' son too so easily and presciently, almost as a footnote to it all; casually walking out with the money that Stevens offered him for sparing his life; and then, on the ostensible basis that when he's paid he always sees the job through, casually killing Baker too.

Although he explains the murder of Baker as simply seeing the job through, though, Stevens didn't actually ask him to kill Baker; all he ever suggested he wanted was to be left alone, and all he said about the money was that it's a thousand dollars, after asking what Angel Eyes was being paid for murdering him. I expect Angel Eyes simply chooses to take it as payment for the 'job' of killing Baker for motivated reasons; that way, he can act as if the money is still 'payment' for him even though he rejected Stevens' attempt to bribe him, and it's much easier to go after the cash box himself if Baker's out of the picture, after all.

This creates an interesting ironic sense that while Angel Eyes effectively presents his own introduction as being all about his unassailable professional principles about always performing the job he's been paid for, and I took him at his word on my first viewing, he's not really all about those principles at all -- and as the movie goes on, indeed, he's simply pursuing the cash box for his own reasons rather than because anyone's paying him for it. His 'professional principles' don't come up again, because that's not really what this intro was telling us at all.

Which isn't to say he doesn't always see a job through after being paid (I can definitely believe that; if he has a reputation for getting the job done no matter what, that makes people more likely to pay him in the future, and he sure has no qualms about completing any job), just that that's not at all the main thing driving his character, as you might initially assume. The thing his intro is really telling us about him is that he's ruthless, terrifying, extremely competent, very interested in this cash box, and has absolutely no trouble casually murdering whoever might be standing in the way of accomplishing what he wants. And I think it's very effective at showing that.

Blondie's introduction

This scene opens with Tuco on a galloping horse in a way that naturally invites the viewer to assume this is following directly from when he flees from the saloon in his intro, and that's what I assumed on my first viewing -- but nah, not only does he not have the food and drink, he's wearing different clothing. Given the surviving bounty hunter from the intro will be appearing later and indicating that was eight months ago, and this is decidedly the most obvious place for the bulk of the timeskip to be happening, probably this is actually several months later. This film is not at all big on time indicators -- for the most part, we have no idea how much time is passing, everything feels like it's happening pretty much in sequence, and we can only vaguely infer that there must be longer gaps between particular events.

The straight-up photograph on Tuco's wanted poster is pretty hilarious. There's even a scene later with a little gag about the long exposure times for photographs at the time. Probably this is just a funny prop for two scenes to make it very obvious to the viewer that it is absolutely him on the wanted poster even as he adamantly denies it, but it's also very funny to imagine Tuco patiently posing for his own wanted poster.

Framing through it, all three of the bounty hunters surrounding Tuco when Blondie comes along are in fact going for their guns when Blondie shoots them, which makes sense -- for all that Blondie is not much of a noble hero, he generally does not tend to shoot people until they're at least starting to draw on him. (There's one notable exception, which will come up in part two.)

I enjoy Tuco's weird little nervous, disbelieving grin as he realizes this stranger just shot the bounty hunters but is sparing him. Tuco's own worldview, as shaped by his background, is dominated by self-interest; it's every man for himself, and it's up to him to do whatever it takes, tell whatever lies, betray whoever he has to, to get ahead. And yet, there's this endearing naïveté to him, where he's not really suspicious of other people's motives accordingly -- he's surprised Blondie would save him, but his brain doesn't immediately go to this guy just wants to be the one to collect my bounty. We see this a lot throughout the film.

We cut (with great comic timing) from Blondie sticking a cigar in Tuco's mouth to Tuco spitting out a cigar while tied up on his horse as Blondie takes him into town -- an edit that suggests continuity, like only a short time has passed and it's the same cigar that he just hadn't had the chance to spit out yet (sort of dubious if you really think about it, since surely it would've taken a bit for Blondie to tie him up and get him onto his horse). This reinforces our initial assumptions about what's happening, where Blondie would just have tied him up before riding straight into town, but given the con they turn out to be running, there must have actually been an offscreen conversation about it and the cigar is there as a bit of cheeky misdirection for the audience.

(It probably makes sense that when Blondie put the cigar in his mouth, he was actually about to propose they run this bounty scheme together -- as the movie proceeds, we see that Blondie generally shares cigars in more of a friendly sort of way, after all.)

"I hope you end up in a graveyard!" yells Tuco. They sure do all end up in a graveyard! This is some very cheeky foreshadowing and I love it.

Tuco yelling ineffectual threats about how Blondie can still save himself by letting him go, while actually tied up and completely at his mercy, is just extremely Tuco.

Then he shifts tack very abruptly to saying he feels sick and needs water, only to then spit in Blondie's face. Later he furiously calls the deputy a bastard just for walking out of a building, only to then immediately shift to saying he's just an honest farmer who didn't do anything wrong. Tuco often does this, shifting from one approach to the next in a way that makes it really obvious he's bullshitting, but he keeps doing this, just throwing shit at the wall to see if anything sticks, even when this is counterproductive to the whole effort. He is presumably playing it up a bit here, but it's still in its own way pretty representative of who he is and what he's actually like. He's so characterful.

"Who says so? You can't even read!" says Tuco about whether it's him on the wanted poster, which is some delightful nonsense hypocrisy/projection given we will later see that Tuco himself can only barely read. I love him. (And why would reading even have anything to do with it; he's obviously looking at the plain actual photograph of him right there. Love Tuco's absolute nonsense.)

Another absurd change of tactics: "Hey, everybody, look, look! He's giving him the filthy money!" - as if he's going to rally onlookers against the sheriff and Blondie somehow on the basis that money is exchanging hands, isn't that suspicious.

Tuco calls Blondie Judas for accepting the money (referencing the thirty pieces of silver, of course), which will get a fun echo later.

"You're the son of a thousand fathers, all bastards like you!" I love that Tuco has invented compounding recursive bastardry just for Blondie. Not only is he a bastard, all one thousand men his mother slept with were also bastards. Glorious. (You can see Blondie's amused by this one; he actually smiles a little bit before throwing a match at him.)

I wonder if Blondie actively encouraged him to go quite this hard on the insults, to make them look less associated, or if he just did this. One would think it would be risky, on Tuco's end, to be this over the top in literally spitting in the face of the guy who could just let him hang if he happened to change his mind -- but then again, Tuco genuinely doesn't expect Blondie to double-cross him.

Tuco's crimes, as of this first hanging, are: murder; armed robbery of citizens, state banks and post offices; the theft of sacred objects; arson in a state prison; perjury; bigamy; deserting his wife and children; inciting prostitution; kidnapping; extortion; receiving stolen goods; selling stolen goods; passing counterfeit money; and, contrary to the laws of this state, the condemned is guilty of using marked cards and loaded dice! All this paints a picture of a pretty colorful backstory, but most of it is relatively petty; other than the murder (possibly of people like the bounty hunters we saw him dispose of in the opening), we can gather he's been scrounging up money through anything from cheating at cards up to armed robbery and kidnapping, he lied under oath (checks out), he set a prison on fire (presumably to escape), he ran off from his wife and kids and then married someone else he presumably also ran off from, and then there's "inciting prostitution" which I'm guessing means offering someone not previously engaged in sex work money for sex.

It obviously checks out that he'd do anything for money, and bigamy and deserting his wife and children rhyme with his off-hand mention at the monastery later that he's had lots of wives here and there; in general, it tracks that he would make big commitments and then just break them. So all in all, these seem like probably a bunch of genuine crimes that he actually committed. (He also nods somewhat smugly at the marked cards and loaded dice bit.)

Blondie's MO seems to be to first shoot the whip out of the hand of the guy who's meant to be setting the horse off and then shoot the actual rope (and then random attendees' hats, for good measure). Better hope that first shot doesn't spook the horse.

It really is very reasonable of Tuco to want a bigger cut for being the one running the risks; you wouldn't generally want to do a job with a significant chance of getting you killed without being very well compensated for that. Unfortunately, Blondie doing the cutting means he's the one with all the power here -- if he's dissatisfied with his share, he can just pocket all the money and let Tuco die -- which puts him at the advantage in the negotiation, and he knows it.

I enjoy how in the middle of "If we cut down my percentage, it's liable to interfere with my aim," Blondie offers Tuco a cigar, this casual friendly move in the middle of what is effectively a threat.

Tuco does a little understated, "Hmm," of acknowledgement that makes it feel like this was genuinely unexpected. But then he just returns the threat: "But if you miss, you had better miss very well. Whoever double-crosses me and leaves me alive, he understands nothing about Tuco." Which sets up his quest for revenge on Blondie after the double-cross, obviously, but is also fun to recall during the final scene: Tuco actively advised Blondie not to leave him alive if he was going to double-cross him.

Tuco why are you eating the cigar

Next time he's in the noose, it's for a whole new list of crimes that ends with, "For all these crimes, the accused has made a full, spontaneous confession." Yeah, he probably just went off spewing confessions to a string of colorful invented offenses as Blondie brought him in, didn't he, maybe hoping it would raise the bounty. (At the cinematic screening where I saw it for the first time, I missed the spontaneous confession thing due to no subtitles and spent half the movie experiencing some jarring mental dissonance over Tuco's growing goofy likability versus the offhandedly having been convicted of multiple rapes near the start thing. But it's actually pretty strongly telegraphed that the new crimes here are simply bullshit; a spontaneous confession to a variety of new things that were decidedly not on the earlier list, that he could not possibly have done in the implied presumably not very long timespan between the first and second hanging, mostly distinctly more dramatic crimes than the original set, all sounds strongly like a Tuco throwing shit at the wall thing.)

Tuco looks a lot more restless during the second hanging, where for the first one he was pretty calm -- probably a little bit nervous about Blondie's "liable to interfere with my aim" remark, even though they'd presumably come to an agreement to stick with the 50/50 split.

He notices a woman being scandalized, seems sort of put out for a second, but then growls at her to scare her more. What a Tuco.

Another minor character presumably disabled in the war: Angel Eyes' incidentally legless informant. (Whom he calls Shorty, like the guy Blondie teams up with later, who is definitely a different guy because that guy has legs -- sort of a funny aversion of the usual one Steve limit. Genuinely a bit puzzled by why they did that -- is it like that in the Italian version or just the English dub?) I wonder if the bit where he moves around by holding a couple of bricks and using them to walk on is something inspired by a real person or people at the time.

Calling him a 'half-soldier' is pretty rude, Angel Eyes.

Look, I'll accept that we're calling Blondie Blondie, sounds like that's what you'd call him in Italy, but there's really no excuse for "A golden-haired angel watches over him." The man's hair is brown. It's not even a light brown. What are you talking about, Angel Eyes.

But to not get too distracted by that part of the line: Angel Eyes obviously recognizes the con they're running. I think that's probably because he knows of Blondie and that this is a thing he does (he's presumably done it with others before), so when he notices Blondie's around at a hanging, he's like ah, yes, there's him doing his thing, guess he's running with Tuco now. My own feeling is Blondie and Angel Eyes basically only know of each other, though -- no direct evidence they're not more familiar or anything, but they don't really act like they have a personal history, I think, compared to Tuco and Angel Eyes who obviously do.

After the threat about a pay cut being liable to interfere with his aim, I originally figured Blondie missing the rope (or rather, it seems to have grazed but not severed it) might have been deliberate, meant to scare Tuco a bit and make him think twice about proposing that again. But ultimately, on a closer look, I'm pretty sure he really did just miss, both because his expressions and body language feel more in line with that and because Tuco's rant after they escape indicates that Blondie's explanation to him was that anyone can miss a shot -- if it was meant as a warning, probably he wouldn't then go on to actively make it sound like he'd just happened to miss.

(That line also indicates it probably wasn't that he did hit it dead-on but the rope was just sturdier than expected -- if Blondie said anyone can miss a shot, that sounds like he at least believes it's because he missed, and I don't see any sensible reason he would lie about that here.)

That said, I think it's fun to imagine that the reason for the miss was that that discussion really did interfere with his aim -- that little bit of tension with Tuco led to him being a little careless this time, even though he didn't mean to miss and thought he had it.

The thing that actually prompts Blondie to stop and leave Tuco is Tuco's rant about how nobody misses when I'm at the end of the rope and When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the devil bite your ass. For all that he explains it as being about how there's no future in this with a guy who'll never be worth more than $3000, there's a specific point where he stops his horse and decides to ditch him, and it's when Tuco's complaining turns into guilting him about missing and the experience of being on the other end. Blondie will not be guilted and does not want or need this; just going to ditch him and wash his hands of him and find somebody else. I get the sense that Blondie doesn't really want to think about that miss too hard, at this point, and Tuco won't leave him alone about it, and so he leaves him.

More echoes in Blondie and Tuco's relationship: Blondie specifically says, "Adios," when leaving Tuco in the desert, which Tuco will say back to him at the inn.

Tuco's reaction, once again throwing shit at the wall, goes from insults to angrily ordering him to cut the rope off and get off the horse (as if he has any power to make him do anything, standing there unarmed with his hands tied), to a series of hilariously off-the-wall threats ("I'll hang you up by your thumbs!"), to disbelief/desperation: "Wait a minute, this is only a trick! You wouldn't leave me here! Come back! Wait! Blondie! Listen, Blondie!" before the final ¡Hijo de una gran putaaaa! The last couple stages once again get echoed in the final scene. I enjoy the "You wouldn't" - Blondie's supposed to be better than this, even after he'd threatened his aim might suffer if he got less money. They were supposed to be friends, damn it! (Tuco really wants to believe that people actually like him, and often chooses to live in the world in which they do.)

I truly love the fact Blondie gets the freeze-frame and onscreen caption of "the good" just after ironically admonishing Tuco for his ingratitude after Blondie has double-crossed him, taken the money they were going to split, and left him in the desert with this hands tied. As I wrote in the post with my initial impressions on the movie, this is the most uncalled for, mean-spirited thing he does in the entire movie, and getting the caption right here makes it really drip with irony, which is exactly the right thing to do with it, compared to if they'd put it earlier when it might have looked like it was meant to be played straight. There's no gallant hero here, only this guy, who is kind of a bastard. Blondie genuinely grows to deserve the title more as we go on, and that's one of the fun things about the movie, but we have established that the base point is low.

Blondie's intro tells us a number of things: he's a very good shot, casually confident, silent and stoic and unruffled by most anything, happy to be a conman ripping off bounties by bringing in criminals and then freeing them again to repeat the same scheme elsewhere, willing to make oblique threats to get his way and to shoot first when anyone seems about to pull a gun on him, and enough of a bastard to leave Tuco behind in the desert. But he's definitely the most enigmatic of the three main characters; he doesn't talk or emote much, leaving exactly what's going on in his head pretty vague and open to interpretation, even as some of his actions are pretty striking and interesting. This has nerdsniped me, because I enjoy thinking about what's going on in characters' heads; please be prepared for an excessive amount of analysis of what might be going through his mind in almost every scene he's in.

Angel Eyes and Maria

The choice to open this scene with Maria getting thrown off a carriage with a bunch of drunk Confederates and the choked-up yell of "You filthy rats!" after them is probably largely just to get across the suggestion that she's a prostitute, making it easier to connect that she's the one Angel Eyes' informant told him about. But I appreciate that it gives her a little bit of a tragic existence outside the confines of the plot and makes her sympathetic even before Angel Eyes starts beating on her. (A secondary purpose for this is also probably to show some Confederate soldiers just being assholes; the film makes a point of featuring both sympathetic and asshole moments from both sides of the Civil War.)

Like with Stevens, while Angel Eyes makes his presence very threatening, he starts off nonviolently (well, relatively; the way he pulls her inside is not exactly gentle), just telling her to go on talking about Bill Carson -- but when she refuses to volunteer any information and just says she doesn't know him, the claws come out instantly. There's none of the veneer of casual friendliness he had with Stevens, though, just an intensely scary stare and threatening demands. (The scare chord playing in the background doesn't help.) All in all, Angel Eyes was already terrifying but he is even more so in this scene.

I do also appreciate that while the interrogation is brutal and deeply uncomfortable and thick with the danger of sexual violence, it does not go there -- he's physically but not sexually violent, he's only interested in the information, and once he has it, we see him just leave. This is a completely sexless film, and I think we're all very lucky for that; it's one reason The Good, the Bad and the Ugly has aged relatively well, compared to for instance some of Sergio Leone's other films. (That's not to say I have anything against portrayals of sexuality or even sexual violence in media in principle, but I've gotten the sense that back in the sixties, media that did portray it tended to be profoundly weird about it.)

Tuco returns to town

We don't get to see Tuco suffering in the desert, only making his way across the rope bridge and then stumbling toward the well and finally indulging, but I think it does get across that this was an ordeal for him, and that becomes easier to appreciate on a rewatch, after seeing Blondie go through it later. Tuco's skin has fared a lot better than Blondie's, but his lips are pretty cracked.

The gun seller looks so proud of his little selection of revolvers and is so eager to please him by showing him more. It's painful how long he keeps trying to be helpful in selling him a gun even when Tuco just grabs the bottle of wine out of his hands and dismantles half of his guns to put together a custom revolver. And then Tuco just uses the gun, with a cartridge the owner gave him, to rob him of the money he has in the till, oof.

Man, those targets just casually in the shape of Native Americans.

Sergio Leone just has a thing for characters shoving something in somebody else's mouth unbidden, doesn't he. Blondie sticks his cigar in Tuco's mouth during his intro, then Tuco puts the sign in the shopkeeper's mouth, and then it happens very memorably in Once Upon a Time in the West as well. I forget if it's in A Fistful of Dollars or For a Few Dollars More, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised.

The gun store scene is theoretically skippable (Christopher Frayling's commentary indicated it was cut in British prints of the film, though I gather it survived in the US cut), but it's pretty fun in its audacity, and is also doing some good setup work for Tuco's character. So far, apart from his intro suggesting some degree of scrappy ability to shoot before he gets shot, he's been shown in a pretty ineffectual light, getting ambushed and captured and raging helplessly with his hands tied. But here we get to see that Tuco really knows his way around guns and has implausible trick-shooting skills to rival Blondie's -- and, of course, that he really is an unrepentant bandit who thinks nothing of doing this when he wants a gun and some money, lest we were left too sympathetic to him when Blondie left him.

The cave

Tuco presumably bought the chicken with some of the $200 he robbed from the gun store; he presents it like having a single chicken by itself is amazing riches. Does say a lot.

I enjoy his very blatant talking to himself about how oh, he's so lonely, but he's rich, wonder where his friends are now. He clearly figures that Pedro/Chico/Ramon are there listening and just avoiding him. He talks like they were such great friends, but somehow the fact they don't come out until he starts loudly talking about how if only they were there he'd give them $1000 each doesn't make it seem like they ever had a relationship that went much beyond assisting each other in committing crimes to their mutual advantage -- and Tuco clearly in fact knows this, since he knows exactly what line to go for to lure them out. (But no, Tuco definitely has great friends, because he is a cool and well-liked dude who has definitely made good choices in life.)

I've seen people online suggesting that Blondie and Tuco ran their scam a lot more often than the two times we actually see, but this scene seems to make it explicit that they only did it exactly those two times: Tuco specifically indicates Blondie has $4000, which is simply equal to half of the first $2000 bounty that they split plus the entire $3000 bounty for the second time that he kept for himself.

This is one of the scenes added in the Extended Cut, despite having been cut even from the Italian version of the movie after its original Rome premiere. The primary ostensible purpose of it is just to establish where Pedro/Chico/Ramon came from (the featurette on the restoration makes it explicit that the guy overseeing the Extended Cut, John Kirk, just thought it was a plot hole and decided to reinsert the scene when he discovered it existed because of that, despite Sergio Leone himself having decided to cut it for pacing reasons). It is true I think I would probably ask myself some questions about Tuco's buddies if I'd seen a cut without it; Tuco's seemed like a lone wolf so far, and without it there's no indication at all of who these guys are or why they're working for/with him for this.

On the other hand, the scene kind of sets them up as if they're a lot more important than they are, and its internal coherence feels a little off: them only coming out when Tuco tempts them with money, despite that Tuco's been there for a bit talking at them about what good friends they were, actively suggests they don't actually like or trust him (which makes good sense!), but then it also has this dialogue about how they thought he'd been killed, which feels as if it's randomly offering up an unnecessary and somewhat contradictory second explanation for why we haven't seen them with him up to this point. The bit about them thinking he was dead doesn't actually connect to anything and seems to give undue weight and improperly conserved detail to Tuco's relationship with these guys, who are ultimately just some throwaway goons that exist in one scene before dying and never being mentioned again. I think probably the movie is actually better off without this scene, as Sergio Leone apparently concluded himself.

The inn

More of the war in the background -- this time with the innkeeper privately opining about how those rebels are cowards and it'll be better when the Yankees have beaten them as the Confederate army retreats out of the town, only to then yell "Hurray for Dixie!" as they're passing by. Not the only character in this movie who just pretends to support whichever army he's currently looking at. (We see more injured soldiers in the background here.)

Love the tension of the buildup here. Blondie's gun lying dismantled on the table at the start, the brothers approaching in the midst of all the noise, the close-up of Blondie's hand freezing and eyes narrowing at the clink in the sudden silence, straining to hear as there's nothing (the fact it stopped when the army did actively suggests someone's trying to be sneaky), then frantically loading the revolver with a second-third-fourth bullet as the background noise restarts and then juuuust managing to finish and shoot the three of them in rapid succession as they burst in. These silent close-up shots of his hands and eyes also deliver a rare moment of tangible alarm from Blondie; he's legitimately scared for a bit there and you can feel it, which is greatly appreciated from a character who spends most of the movie being stoic and enigmatic.

Enjoy Blondie choosing to explain how he knew they were coming by going, "Your spurs," just before firing the final shot (just giving this guy a little tip about where he messed up before killing him, as you do), but also I deeply enjoy that him firing that last smug bullet, which he probably didn't really need to when the guy was collapsing anyway, leaves him defenseless when Tuco draws attention to himself at the window. Blondie is very smart and competent, we've just watched him survive three people sneaking up on him while he's cleaning his gun because he managed to notice the tiny sound of a clinking spur and put together what it meant and load his gun in time, but then he makes this near-fatal mistake by getting a little too cocky about it, and that's definitely tastier than if he'd obviously needed all his bullets there.

I have seen it suggested that Tuco intentionally used the brothers as cannon fodder here, but I'm not sure the movie necessarily suggests that; presumably the idea was for them to successfully sneak up on Blondie and catch him completely unawares without the unexpected silence exposing the rogue spur clink, which wouldn't have had to involve any of them getting killed (heck, if they'd happened to be just a little earlier, Blondie would've still been in the middle of cleaning his gun). Tuco and the others had clearly talked about their approach ahead of time, so they were perfectly aware that they'd be going up there by the door and Tuco would be coming in by the window and presumably thought that sounded like a good plan. And we have no idea exactly at what point Tuco managed to make his way in, so we don't have any indication either way on whether he theoretically could have intervened to save them in some manner -- my first assumption would be he got in after Blondie had stood up, which is after he shot them. Sneaking up on him from two different directions makes sense either way. I wouldn't necessarily put it past Tuco to figure the brothers will probably get killed and do it anyway, but I don't think we can say that for sure.

Either way, I enjoy Tuco doing his quick little sign of the cross when he says "Those that come in by the door." He did in fact just get them killed by bringing them here, and while he's not going to say anything about that to Blondie, it shows him acknowledging it in a small way. Tuco's religiosity is a great little character trait that has no impact on the plot but just adds more color and dimension to him as a character -- it adds a really fun bit of visual irony to punctuate some of his various decidedly un-Christian actions, and it has a rich sense of being rooted in his background given his family was presumably religious.

Blondie's shrugging, "It's empty," feels like he's initially kind of expecting them to just talk: he takes Tuco wanting him to remove the pistol belt as a practical thing, just telling him to remove his weapon so he can put his away, and so Blondie removes it but tells him that's not really necessary because he can't shoot him anyway. Tuco could have shot him already if he were here to kill him, right? He probably expects, initially, that Tuco is just here to get his half of the money, or possibly all of it.

Instead, Tuco responds with, "Mine isn't" -- he's deadly serious and he's not putting his gun away at all.

"Even when Judas hanged himself there was a storm, too." There's Judas again! Tuco originally called Blondie that while playing it up for the scam, but as far as he's concerned now, it's true actually. Love the furious energy of him sitting there having found this Biblical parallel and decided this is the specific revenge he wants on this guy and bringing a noose to arrange that. Blondie's never had a rope around his neck, never felt the devil bite his ass? Well, now he will. And he'll make him do it himself, because Judas hanged himself.

Blondie warily (and correctly) suggests the 'storm' is actually cannon fire -- because he decidedly does not want to be anywhere near the war, and by the time cannons are getting fired in the vicinity, he thinks they should probably be getting the hell out of there, and if Tuco agrees, then perhaps pointing that out is a ticket out of this pretty alarming situation he has found himself in. But Tuco, of course, is not really interested in entertaining that just when he has Blondie right where he wants him. He's going to hang him right here if it's the last thing he does.

Blondie goes along with it, slowly, silently, looking kind of wary and skeptical more than anything. When I was first watching this movie, I kept expecting him to do something, to distract him in some clever way and then lunge at him to disarm him or something, like you'd usually expect the main character to do in an action movie. But the thing is that's just not how Blondie operates. He doesn't do bold risky action-hero feats. He can absolutely shoot a gun with the best of them, but he has no particular physical skills, never even throws a punch in this whole movie unless you count the backhand slap on the tied-up Tuco earlier; when unarmed, all he's really got is his brains. Blondie gets by on being smart and careful and analytical. When Blondie finds a gun pointed at him, and has no leverage over the other guy, he will do what he's told, make no sudden movements, and wait until he sees some kind of actual opening, because otherwise he's just going to get shot. He buys what little time he can going along with the hanging while his brain silently whirs away evaluating his options for how he can get out of this, and that's about it for what he can do.

What are his options? He doesn't have a lot. Tuco is standing too far away to reach before he shoots but too close to realistically miss, never takes his eyes off him for more than a second, keeps his gun pointed squarely at him. It wouldn't be hard for him to get out of the noose -- it's a big noose, he's barely in it, his hands are free. But if he did, Tuco would presumably just shoot him instead. Probably his best chance, once Tuco says he's going to shoot the legs off the stool, is to try to make a move just when he fires, slip out of the noose and then probably make some kind of last-ditch attempt to overpower him before he's ready to shoot again, and I imagine Blondie was getting ready to attempt just that before they were interrupted. But even then, it's very questionable whether he could have actually escaped like that. All in all, things are looing pretty dicey for him by the time the rogue cannonball comes to his rescue -- but once it does, he's out of there fast, grabbing his chance now he's got it.

Either way, as little as he gives away as it's happening, Blondie's genuinely staring death in the face here for this whole sequence, and this experience clearly left enough of an impression on him for him to make a point of turning this specifically back on Tuco in the final scene, even though Tuco's going to torment him in a much more extended and agonizing way in the desert, so I'm enjoying the quiet implication there.

The cannonball is kind of interesting because this is absolutely a textbook deus ex machina. Usually I like the rule that a contrived coincidence can get the characters into a situation but ideally not out of it. This is definitely getting Blondie out of a situation, and definitely has that sense of being a little unsatisfying as the answer to how's he going to get out of this one. And yet, the fact Blondie really was helpless to do much about it is kind of the point here. If Blondie had actually won out in this encounter, it wouldn't have nearly the same meaning when he finally ends up turning the situation around in the desert, nor when he tells Tuco to get in the noose at the end -- narratively, we need this to be an instance of Tuco beating out Blondie and then toying with him for it to have the right impact, and hence, since he can't actually die here, he needs to get out without winning.

(It does also help a bit that the ongoing cannon fire was already set up and established, even if it just happening to hit the building is purely coincidental.)

Being saved by a cannonball, of course, is again the constant insistent presence of the war in the background, now coming into the characters' lives just a bit more directly.

Meanwhile, Tuco in this scene, man. He is finally the one in the position of power, just relishing having control and being able to order Blondie to do things and have him actually do them and the grim sense of justice in seeing him be the one in a noose for once. Cheerful lines like, "It's too big for your neck, huh? We fix that right away." Grinning as he explains that he'll shoot the legs off the stool. But then when it comes to actually doing it… he takes an extra breath, with this kind of hesitant expression on his face, before echoing Blondie's "Adios." As he points the gun, it's shaking a bit. Tuco doesn't feel totally right here and I love it a lot.

Tuco does absolutely want to see Blondie suffer right now -- we're about to see him chase him down again so he can torture him in an even more drawn-out and awful way, after all. But once he actually kills him it'll all be over, and he just goes back to his usual shitty bandit life, one more person that he'd once thought was a friend gone. This has been a couple of minutes of mildly satisfying catharsis, but not totally satisfying, too brief, too easy -- and there's probably some basic squirm of empathy there, when he's been in that position, can vividly remember the squeeze of the rope -- but the bastard deserves this for betraying him, so he's doing it anyway.

All in all, this is possibly the scene I have rewatched the most. This is significantly because I happen to have a big dopamine whump button in my brain labeled 'HANGINGS', but it's also just a sequence of masterful tension leading up to this delightfully twisted, tense and thoroughly loaded character interaction following on the previous scenes between Tuco and Blondie in fun specific ways that build up to even more fun things later. What a character dynamic.

The fort

I don't have too much to say about this one. It's a very impressive set, the war is brutal, the sarcasm of the Confederate captain Angel Eyes talks to and the ease of bribing him with some booze is nice foreshadowing and a parallel for the poor Union captain Blondie and Tuco will meet, but ultimately this scene is mostly about filling in how Angel Eyes learns about Batterville. (Or is it Betterville? The subtitles say Batterville and that's what it sounds like everyone's saying, but Christopher Frayling and the subtitles on him say Betterville.) This is a restored scene in the Extended Cut, which exists in the Italian version but was cut from the International Cut.

Angel Eyes pauses and swallows looking at the injured soldiers and later lets the captain keep the booze he brought, vaguely suggesting a glimmer of sympathy for their plight, which is sort of interesting but also a little divorced from the rest of the movie. Villains having different sides to them is neat, but I don't think we get a great sense of why Angel Eyes would be sympathetic to these men but also treat the prisoners at Batterville -- who are soldiers from the Confederate army just like these ones -- how he does later with zero remorse, so I'm not sure this is actually doing much for the movie on a character level in the end, and if anything may be a little counterproductive to the kind of extremely cold-blooded villain that Angel Eyes is otherwise set up to be.

I suppose the idea might be that Angel Eyes is theoretically capable of sympathy, but also capable of simply discarding it the moment it's useful to him. Alternatively, the idea could be that at the moment he feels in some sense that if the war catches up with him he could be in these soldiers' place, but then he goes on to enlist with the Union army to get into Batterville, at which point he's on the winning side so who cares. Angel Eyes does display nerves later at the truel, once he's in a situation he's not in control of where he might very well die, so maybe it checks out that while he feels not totally secure in not winding up like these men himself, their grim conditions get to him a bit.

I do think it is kind of nice to have this scene in terms of keeping Angel Eyes' storyline going and maintaining the sense that he's still out there looking for Carson, even aside from the added plot clarity; without it, he'd just kind of not exist for a very significant chunk of the film.

I've also seen it argued that it brings out the horrors of the war too early, given the film's slow progression from the war as simply backdrop for the plot to eventually spending the leadup to the climax with it in stark focus. I think that's a legitimately interesting point, but also that it didn't stop me absorbing that progression just fine when first seeing the film as the Extended Cut -- soldiers are injured here, yes, but they aren't truly lingered on, and all in all it felt mostly just like a logical part of the established war-as-backdrop at this stage.

All in all, I have some mixed feelings on this scene and what it contributes, but I'm tempted to conclude the film might be better without it overall.

The desert

Tuco tracking down Blondie by finding his cigars at every campfire is pretty hilarious. Imagine what Blondie could have avoided if he just stopped smoking like a chimney.

(It's sort of surprising Blondie got so far ahead of Tuco to begin with -- he wouldn't have had long to get downstairs and to his horse while Tuco was recovering from the fall and getting out of the rubble, so one would've thought Tuco could've been basically right on his heels. I guess Tuco went in the wrong direction initially and had to catch up.)

Tuco forbidding Blondie to shoot down Shorty, oof. Once again Tuco is fundamentally out for himself, and right now he wants to deny Blondie this more than to let this stranger live, so down he goes. (Nonetheless, he flinches watching it, again bit of instinctive empathy despite that he mostly suppresses it -- it hits pretty close to home.)

Blondie continues to comply with the orders of the guy who's pointing a gun at him, but he clearly doesn't feel great about this, apologizing, gaze lingering on Shorty even as he's preparing to stand up. Clearly his moral line lies somewhere between leaving Tuco to fend for himself (where he might die, but sometime later in the desert where Blondie would never know) and letting Shorty hang, dying right in front of him when he was expecting a rescue. Perhaps Blondie didn't even know he had this line until now.

A moment of silence for Blondie's original horse, whom he probably rode out here, but who is presumably just left behind as Tuco takes him away and never seen again. This movie does not really give a damn about individual horses -- the characters' horses repeatedly disappear and go unmentioned only for them to later manage to get a different horse somewhere without comment -- but as a former horse girl this is the sort of thing I notice and wonder about.

Blondie presumably initially figures Tuco's just taking him somewhere a short distance away to try to make him hang himself again or something. But then Tuco shoots the canteen out of his hands, and the hat off his head for good measure (love Tuco casually replicating Blondie's little hat-shooting trick just to rub it in), and it starts to sink in that no, that's not it, is it. Where are they going? On a nice walk of a hundred miles through desert. "What was it you told me the last time? Ah, 'If you save your breath, I feel a man like you would manage it.'" Tuco's not taking him anywhere; this is just torture, once again a very specific torture. Blondie made Tuco walk seventy miles through the desert? Tuco'll make him walk a hundred miles, or however long it takes before he dies a slow and agonizing death, and that'll show him. I deeply enjoy how in this movie, between the two of them, it's never just generic revenge, but always this hyperspecific replication of the other's previous cruelties.

Tuco's cute pink parasol is such a choice.

He's so utterly gleeful watching Blondie helplessly stumbling until he faceplants in the sand. Tuco relishes power and control when he can get it, not only for the Blondie-specific reasons (Blondie had all the power from beginning to end in their bounty scheme, and exercised it to leave Tuco helpless) but probably also because of his background -- poverty sure is a way to feel perpetually helpless and subject to external whims, and escaping it through banditry probably represented a sense of freedom from all that, where he can just go out and take what he wants and other people can be subject to his whims for once.

In the sequence added in the Extended Cut, the collapsed and dehydrated Blondie looks at Tuco's boot right beside his face, swallows, tenses for a heave of effort -- and then grabs the boot, only for it to just be the empty boot, Tuco cheerfully bathing his feet a short distance away. (Blondie is definitely suffering from the "characters can't see anything out of frame" thing here, but I kind of enjoy the literal implication that his eyes can just barely even focus and the boot manages to be all he can make out in his field of vision, even if it stretches plausibility a bit.) I do quite like this bit, not least because this is the one time we actually properly see Blondie attempting resistance. He silently went along with the hanging and he silently goes along with the desert walk, too -- which makes sense, because he's being ordered to at gunpoint, and as I went into earlier, he doesn't have action hero armor that'd let him do much to fight back in these situations without just getting shot, and he's generally too careful to try under the circumstances. But it means that he feels very passive in these sequences, and seeing this moment where he finally does think he has a chance to strike back, and the hate in his eyes and how painstakingly he gathers all of the energy he can muster to grab it, helps a lot to contextualize the rest and make him more tangibly an active character who cares what's happening to him for this. With this bit, it's easy to extrapolate that he has been waiting for any chance to take him down this whole time, and this is the one time he (seemingly) finds one. Without it, his character just has no sense of agency at all the entire time he's being tortured, which would mute the whole thing a bit.

(Well, okay: a little before this, there is this wide shot, where we can see Tuco stationary on his horse and Blondie walking towards him -- then stopping, extending his foot a little further forward and sort of pathetically lunging for that last step, at which point Tuco's horse just moves further away, and Tuco laughs. This might be, and is on closer examination probably meant to be, Blondie making some form of stumbling attempt to sneak up on him. But it's a wide shot so you can barely see him, it goes by in seconds, and it's hard to tell what he's actually doing -- he could just be trying to catch up to Tuco, which is how I think I'd mostly been taking it before I started squinting at this -- which makes it not really serve the same purpose.)

(I gather the script had a bit, which was filmed and possibly in a version of the Italian release in 1966 but lost today apart from a small fragment, where Blondie slides down a hill into an animal skeleton lying there and grabs a bone that he could use as a weapon, but Tuco shoots it out of his hand and warns him not to try that again. That would have also provided that bit of agency, but given that was cut, the boot scene was all that was left, and I do maintain that cutting that too is bad for the movie.)

After he realizes it's just the boot, and of course Tuco's not letting him get close, and he has no hope of getting one over on Tuco at this point, Blondie sort of slumps in defeat for a moment, and then looks up, and then starts to crawl towards the water. It's pretty painful to watch; the utter helpless humiliation of being so thirsty and drained of defiance that he would drink the water Tuco just washed his feet in is its own grotesque flavor of torture, and then Tuco won't even let him have that.

After that, Blondie manages to push himself onto all fours, looks at Tuco for a moment -- probably realizing that even if he tried to rush him right now it would accomplish absolutely nothing other than entertaining Tuco more -- and then just crawls away, finally going somewhere of his own volition. He's not going to make it far at this point, and if it looked like he might Tuco would just shoot him, but maybe he can at least die somewhere a bit further away from him.

Tuco stands up and initially reaches for his gun as Blondie crawls off, but then he just laughs, seeing that there's absolutely no danger of Blondie making it very far or shaking him off -- he can just casually pack up his stuff and then follow him at a leisurely pace.

In the Italian/Extended Cut, Blondie rolling down the hill is continuing from this, whereas in the International Cut, Tuco had just gotten off his horse to approach him after he initially collapsed, suggesting that collapse wasn't quite as bad and that he was just sort of continuing but on all fours -- gives it a little bit of a different air.

I do appreciate just how pathetic Blondie's crawl/roll down the hill is. He sort of picks himself up again after the initial stumble but then just collapses on his back, admitting defeat. He's going to die here and he doesn't have the energy to do anything about it. Tuco lets that bottle roll down and come to a stop by his head and he doesn't even react.

Tuco spends a moment just looking at him down there before bringing out his gun to put him out of his misery. Probably less out of desire to actually put him out of his misery and more out of seeing he's not going to be able to make Blondie walk anywhere further right now, and he's not going to sit around waiting, and definitely not leaving him alive.

Blondie barely moves as Tuco points the gun at him, just closing his eyes again and swallowing and accepting that this is it. At the inn he had a chance but this time is a full-on definitely thought he was going to die here and was powerless to stop it, and this is also something that Blondie turns back on Tuco at the end.

(And yet Tuco keeps pointing his gun to kill him and taking a while to actually fire it, doesn't he. Part of this is just the movie doing dramatic timing but part of it is a genuine slight hesitation on his part, as shown more obviously at the inn.)

But then comes runaway carriage ex machina, just in time! Tuco not just shooting him first before checking on it is another notable moment of hesitation on his part. Once again, we actually need a deus ex machina, because Blondie needs to have been totally helpless here or it would completely change the implications for what's being set up.

This is another good scene that I enjoy a lot, particularly Blondie getting ready to grab the boot, although I'm also just a big fan of exhausted, dehydrated men stumbling around deserts. It's very merciless and ugly (gotta love the energy of getting Clint Eastwood at his handsomest for your movie and then absolutely fucking up his face with the gnarliest-looking sunburn makeup), really thoroughly parses as torture where the hanging scene was more quiet buildup, and Tuco's absolute cruelty here versus Blondie's exhausted helplessness is very important in viscerally setting up why Blondie does what he does at the end. But I also enjoy how strongly Tuco's actions here are still rooted in the specifics of how Blondie treated him. I just really love the twisted, fucked-up way the whole chain of revenge is built up between the two of them, and how interestingly their relationship then develops with all that hanging over it.

The carriage

I appreciate that we see Blondie juuust prop himself up to look as Tuco goes to intercept it -- he goes on to discreetly crawl all the way to it during the sequence that follows while we're focused on Tuco, and briefly seeing that he takes an interest and has mustered a tiny bit of energy again helps set that up.

More of Tuco's religiosity as he does the sign of the cross multiple times over the corpse of the soldier who initially falls out… and then immediately loots the corpse. Oh, Tuco.

I remembered the amputee informant's description of how Bill Carson was missing an eye, so as soon as we saw one of the apparently-dead soldiers in the carriage wearing an eyepatch I was like ohhhhh!! The storylines are connecting!! (And we're more than an hour into the Extended Cut when it happens. This movie very slow-paced compared to a modern film and yet so thoroughly enjoyable.)

You can juuust see Carson starting to blink a bit as Tuco searches him.

Tuco standing there glancing to the right out of the corner of his eye when he hears a noise from the wagon, while by the rules of the movie he can't actually see anything over there, is very funny. He even waits a bit before turning around to point his gun, as if knowing whoever is there can't see him either until he turns.

Tuco interrogating Carson about the $200,000 while the latter begs for water is another truly painful scene; Tuco's only invested in the dollars and anti-invested in saving Carson's life ("Don't die until later!"), straining to get him to talk first for as long as he possibly can, until he figures the guy is going to straight-up croak before talking, at which point of course he switches tack. Presumably he thinks if he actually gives him water Carson's liable to change his mind about telling him anything, so he has to get it out of him first if at all possible.

I also enjoy his annoyance with Carson telling him about his name and having been Jackson before but now Carson; the audience needs him to say his name, and it's probably also helpful to mention he used to be Jackson, but to Tuco it's just a waste of time. "Carson, Carson, yeah, yeah. Glad to meet you, Carson. I'm Lincoln's grandfather. What was that you said about the dollars?"

Tuco repeats the name of the cemetery near the very end of the exchange with Carson: "Sad Hill Cemetery, okay. In the grave, okay. But it must have a name or a number on it, huh? There must be a thousand, five thousand!" - which means that, since Blondie doesn't know the name of the cemetery (unless Blondie did know it the whole time and just pretended not to, which I guess we can't really rule out), he can't have been listening in by this point. Directly after this, Tuco tells Carson not to die and goes to get water. So Blondie pretty much can't have caught any of the stuff about the cash when Carson said it originally, and can't have known the full strategic significance of talking to him beforehand.

Instead, Blondie probably quietly crawled after Tuco with the aim of maybe being able to get the jump on him while he's distracted with whatever this is, and he only got close enough just at the end to see Tuco talking to Carson and telling him to not die. Then, as Tuco ran off for the water, Blondie obviously could not follow him back there, but instead crawled the rest of the way to the back of the wagon to see who Tuco's so desperate to keep alive, where Carson managed to gasp out something about a grave marked 'Unknown', next to Arch Stanton, and that it had money in it (Blondie does definitely learn there's money, since he then knows to use that as leverage). This is supported by how Blondie just refers very nonspecifically to having been told a name on a grave. He's really pulling a bit of a bluff here since he doesn't (presumably) know what cemetery this grave is in, so if Tuco hadn't happened to have learned that bit (which Blondie can't know), this information would not actually be that useful to either of them. But so long as he can make it sound like he can lead Tuco to riches right now, he has an actual shot at surviving.

I enjoy the way Blondie manages the tiniest wisp of a victorious smile to Tuco's "What name?!" just before passing out. The moment he sees Tuco's furious desperation to learn the name he's talking about, he knows he's won and that Tuco's going to do whatever he can to ensure his survival. He can pass out in peace.

Tuco's shifty eyes and expressions as he has to reevaluate everything are great. Eli Wallach really, really just makes this movie with his performance. I love Blondie and all, and Clint Eastwood in his thirties is very attractive, but I think it's criminal that I had heard about this movie and about Clint Eastwood being in it but had never heard Eli Wallach's name. He's so good and singlehandedly makes Tuco the best thing about it. I love him.

And there comes the Tuco tack-switch! He's not just invested in keeping Blondie alive for the money; he's his friend! As if this is somehow going to be persuasive to the man he's just spent hours torturing and toying with.

I love this absolutely bonkers goddamn character dynamic. First Blondie saves Tuco from the bounty hunters, then he apparently turns him in for the bounty, then you learn actually they're running a scam together, then Blondie screws over Tuco in a way that makes you kind of root for Tuco to get back at him, then Tuco painstakingly, cruelly labors to punish him for it in the most specific twisted ways until you're anxious for how Blondie's going to get out of this, then this happens… and because Tuco is the character he is, of course it works. He is already the guy who switches tack on a dime when it seems to serve him in the moment. We've just spent this whole carriage scene building up how singlemindedly fixated he is on this money once he hears about it. There are already so many striking layers going on in the interplay between these two guys and it makes it delicious to realize we've just added yet another layer and the rest of the movie is going to involve them having to work together after all this. And because it's the cash box from the Angel Eyes storyline, we're following up on that too in the process, with the also-delicious implicit promise that that's how they're going to bump into him. This is just such a gleefully fun and satisfying moment where everything comes together and I love it.

(Continued in part two! Thanks for reading if you got this far.)

[lynxtheserval]

So hey y'all. I died, but I got better hehehe HAAA!! (Clash of Clans / personal joke reference go brrrrr)

So anyway, I got sudden inspiration for a very specific scenario with a Yandere Subspace x Reader who tried to run away with a faulty Biograft

Idk man it just popped into my head LMAO

Anyway I might make a part two, depends on how this turns out!

Yandere Subspace X Reader who tried to run away with a faulty Biograft!

(TW: Needles, Drugging, Being held Forcefully, Murder, Yandere Shit, Maybe OOC Subspace, been a while since I've written)

“NO!” You shouted, unable to move. You struggled in the functioning Biografts grip.

You watched as Subspace, the man who claimed to love you, ripped away the life of the only thing you could call a friend.

His hands viciously ripped the circuits out of the defective Biograft, your friend. The person who was going to get you out of this terrible situation. The situation that was probably going to get a lot worse from here.

After letting out his rage on the poor Biograft, Subspace stayed still for a few, long moments. He then started to slowly get up from his seated position on top of the deceased Biograft. Once standing, he slowly looked over to where you were being held. His gas mask was slightly off of his face, to where you could see his deranged, half rotted smile. Unfortunately, he wasn't smiling with joy or excitement. He was smiling with pure rage. He was pissed, the most mad he's ever been with you. He started walking towards you with a face pace, speeding up with each step, until face to face with you. He stared at you, with those unhinged, pink eyes. Subspace then spoke.

“Oh.. my! It looks like you might be regretting your decision!!” he cupped your chin and tilted it to face him, forced to directly look him in the eyes.

You tried to struggle but the Biograft had too strong of a hold on you, Subspace was just watching with an amused expression.

“Sweetie… you know this Biograft is stronger than that pathetic one!” He looked over and angrily pointed at the diseased Biograft, the faulty one. The one who thought they could take you away from HIM. What an idiot! He really needs to work on the code, to make sure this never happens again.

Subspace looks back at you, frowning. He puts his gas mask back on, straightens it, and sighed.

“My love..” He started, but you interrupted him with a yell.

“WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!? WHY DO YOU WANT TO RUIN MY LIFE?! I NEVER DID ANYTHING TO YOU!” You shouted, in complete rage, in complete agony. Tears started forming in your eyes, and soon fell down your face in a constant stream.

He looked at you, his eyes seemed enraged for a moment, then seemed calm. He put his hand over your mouth, stopping you from yelling any more.

“Y/N… you know I'm just doing this for your safety, correct?” He keeps saying that, always trying to convince you he's trying to help you, keep you safe. He then wiped some of the tears away from your cheeks, and ran his hand through your hair.

You couldn't do anything, struggling wouldn't help, so you just gave up. Subspace noticed this, how your body went limp in Biografts grip.

“Biograft, let her go. She's calm enough now!” he snapped at the bot. The Biograft released its hold on you, and you fell down into Subspace’s arms. He looked down at you, it seemed as if he was smiling. He sat down with you in his arms, taking you into a full hug.

He hummed a small tune, trying to calm you down further. Running his hands through your hair, he then spoke.

“Let's go back home, okay?” He paused, trying to figure out what to say next. “I know today has been rough for you, but you can't leave me. All I do.. it's for your own safety!! I know that faulty Biograft was important to you, but it would hurt you. It WAS hurting you!”

“But it-” You tried to speak, but he interrupted you with a “shh”.

“Darling, just relax now, okay? This might hurt a teeny tiny bit, but you'll wake up feeling all better!”

Before you could protest, he stabbed a needle into your arm, and within a few seconds, your vision went black.

As he stared at you in his arms, his glare came back. He looked back at the defective Biograft, wishing it could just come back to life, so he could kill it all over again. And again. And again.

He looked back at you, still glaring. How stupid of you, to think you could leave him, with a faulty Biograft helping you! No, never. He'll never let this happen again.

NEVER.

[miz-chase]

Cam, for the character asks 😁

YES

GIVE ME A CHARACTER;

and I’ll break their ass down:

How I feel about this character

CAM is wonderful. I miss Goodman (he should have come back just for fun anyway), but I think Cam gave the lab a healthy balance by having a Grown Ass Adult who wouldn't be drawn into Nerd Bullshit over Hittites and Assyrians. Goodman, while a good politician with the FBI, was too much like the other squints for his own managerial good. She's so deadpan funny and her efforts to herd the kindergarteners that fill her lab with bullshit is deeply amusing. I also want to know EVERYTHING about her time in New York. Cam the beat cop?? Tell me MORE.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Have you heard the Good News about the gospel of ABC? Coined by @neurodiversebones, Angela/Brennan/Cam is a delightful trio, whether sexual or platonic. I drew some pictures and wrote a fic

Also Aristoo is a dreamboat (POETRY are you KIDDING me? His patience and understanding for Cam's needs and fears?) and I'm side-eyeing the fuck out of anyone who is good with Booth/Brennan but claims workplace harassment with Cam/Aristoo.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

I'm putting Cam/Booth here. Booth has very few friends and Cam is the one person who can reliably say "Seeley, you're being a fucking idiot." to him. I love that so much, he needs the reality check and having a person in the lab who is always in his corner, even though she tries to be a neutral party.

I will say, Booth is overdue to pay Camille back for all the good she's done reality-checking him. He is not there for her in the same way and that sucks. Where's the subplot where she has to crash at his place? Where's Booth taking Michelle on for Paternal Counselling? Where's the B&B and Cam/Aristoo double date? Why doesn't Booth pull Aristoo aside for the 'Prove to me you're good enough for my daughter' bullshit and end up becoming sports buds with him to support Cam?

Also putting the other Booth here. Why is everything with Jared a dead end? I would love to know more about her and Jared's relationship and seen more of them together.

My unpopular opinion about this character

She would have been in the right to fire Brennan in season 2. Cam doesn't know Brennan is the title character of the show, she's just trying to do her job and make the lab as functional and prosecutorially successful as possible. Booth talks a big game about quitting if Brennan left, but he wouldn't actually. He needs the job too much and working with the Jeffersonian is the only thing that makes him special as an agent. I bet he wouldn't even stop his sexual relationship with Cam over it, really. Angela and possibly Hodgins (TBH I doubt he actually would, he is a playboy comfortable in a "job" where he does what he wants, where he wants) might have left, which would have been annoying but not impossible to replace. Brennan is special to our hearts, but she isn't actually the only person capable of doing her work. Finding someone who could do the work, would be a better team player, and a better court presence would be SO worth it. I would love to see how this canon-divergent AU would shake out.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

Girl deserves career advancement. I would have loved (for her professionally, idk how well this would play out on-screen) for her to end up in a more formal role connecting the FBI and the Jeffersonian. She should not be stuck dealing with the daily ins-and-outs of herding neurodivergent cats. She's an experienced and competent cop, scientist, and manager, and all three of those skills combined would make her a good Director. IMO in the long run, the FBI is going to want their own lab instead of contracting out to the Jeffersonian forever. She should get to head that project as The Big Boss, not the nitty-gritty details manager.

[leifygreeens]

What the Bachelor/ettes Would Dress Up as for Halloween

Here’s a short one for today. Happy Halloween, everyone!

Warnings: Relatively short. Mentions of fake blood. Enjoy <3

Sam

Used a werewolf costume but is supposed to be the Big Bad Wolf

Probably cut up one of his flannels for the costume

Jodi is very upset about that, it was a nice flannel!

Has a full wolf mask that opens when he talks

Vincent screamed bloody murder when Sam came out of his bedroom

Apparently Sam was unaware that Vincent has a phobia of werewolves

The More You Know™

He felt a little bit bad about that, but thankfully was able to calm down his little brother eventually

Seb

A wizard Rasmodius is amused

Probably was going to wear it for a cosplay to comic-con years ago but ended up not being able to go

He’s got a full gray beard, with long billowing robes and everything

Probably has a scepter that he made himself out of paper mache and clay

Definitely wears a wizard hat, too

But the robes are so long that he almost lands on his face multiple times throughout the night

Eventually he resorts to holding up the ends of his robes like a princess

Abigail and Sam cannot stop laughing

Alex

Dressed up as Ken

Didn’t want to bleach his hair blonde, but the spirit is there!

Probably has a pink neck tie and a pink button up polo

Takes his role very seriously

Probably learned the choreo for “I’m Just Ken”

Also got Dusty a glittery pink collar for the occasion

Calls literally every woman in town “Barbie” for the whole night

George is weird about it, but Evelyn is having a blast lmao

Elliott

Dressed up as Mark Twain

He carries around a fake raven skull for the bit

Waxes poetic about death and mortality

Probably quotes a few of Twain’s books but only the very obscure bits that only another “Twain connoisseur” would recognize

Leah tries to comfort him as best she can when no one recognizes him

Even though no one recognizes her either

Shane

A mummy

Wrapped himself in toilet paper and called it a day lmfao

Jas makes a stink about not matching with him though

She has a gorgeous fairy dress and was going to wear her bunny-jewel slippers

Marnie was going to put glitter in her hair and everything

But nope

Uncle Shane was going as a mummy, and so she wanted to be a mummy

It’s the cutest thing in the world

Shane is cheesing the whole night, and the rest of the town is terribly endeared by the two of them

Marnie doesn’t even mind the money spent on Jas’ original costume

They look too happy to be upset about it, anyway

Harvey

Dressed up as a homicidal/mad doctor

He’s not terribly creative, and he’s already got all of the costume pieces anyway

Everyone asks him why he didn’t dress up

He is very perturbed by that

Of course he dressed up! Don’t you see the fake blood on his coat?

What about the wild hair and the dark circles??

No? Seriously?

Maru

A robot!

Goes all-the-fuck-out

Has fully functioning extra limbs, probably a voice manipulator as well

Spent months on her physical costume, and Penny helped her with the make-up on the day of

Bought colored contacts that make her eyes look mechanical

Probably also built a candy dispenser into the suit so when Jas and Vincent run around getting candy from all of the villagers, she just presses a button on her wrist band and her stomach opens up to reveal a bowl of candy

The kids love her

Penny

She dressed up as Red Riding Hood, but with a twist!

She’s also a wolf!

Her and Sam are doing a duo costume

So she’s got the little dress and the hood, but the edges are tattered and she’s got insane costume makeup on

No wolf mask for her, unfortunately, but the effort she put into every other aspect of it makes up for it

Is horrified to find that Vincent is terrified of her

She probably feels bad about it for a few weeks after that and vows never to touch a wolf costume ever again

Abigail

Abigail dressed up as a skeleton

Got a few black clothes and drew an anatomically correct skeleton on them with bleach and paintbrushes

It’s wildly impressive

The sweatshirt she used will 100% be worn again, even when it isn’t Halloween

Got a face paint palette and made her face look like an actual skull

Probably pinned her hair back under a black wig cap or something to keep it cohesive

When she shows up for the festival, no one actually knows it’s her because she’s covered head-to-toe

Also has full-eye contacts that make her scleras black

Confuses the hell out of the skeletons Marlon has in those old cages, also confuses Marlon for like half a second before he realizes that it’s a costume

Haley

Barbie. Obviously.

Her and Alex are also doing a duo costume!

Has her hair in a high ponytail 

Everything is glittery, sparkly, and pink, pink, pink

Did her nails even pinker and sparklier

Probably has a little purse with a stuffed chihuahua in it

Abandons that idea when she sees Dusty, though

He looks so handsome with his pink collar, you know?

She posts pictures of their costumes on her socials after the night is over

Leah

Dressed up as Leonardo Da Vinci

Everyone thinks she’s just some old French Noble or something

Which breaks her heart

And not just because Leonardo was Italian

Oh, except for Haley!

Haley knows who she is right off the bat, and compliments her costume very genuinely

Leah feels a little better after that, until she has to run away and comfort Elliott

“I’ve got a raven skull and everything!” / “I know, I know.”

Someone save her lmfao

Emily

Made her whole costume from scratch

She’s a strawberry fairy!

She makes a gorgeous pink tulle dress with embroidered strawberries and fairy wings sewn to the back of it

And she made a headband with some poseable wiring and green cloth to look like strawberry leaves

Her shoes are some chunky pink mary jane “flats”

Also probably made strawberry charms to clip onto the straps

Has a basket full of strawberry candies that she passes out to everyone

Haley helped her do her makeup, and she’s got painted freckles on her cheeks to look like seeds

Altogether she’s the cutest fucking thing anyone has ever seen

[chaifootsteps]

One of the many things that bugged me in the final, was Al's segment in the last few minutes, mostly because like everything in this show there was so much missed potential. So I present a part of a re-write I would love to do, this part focusing on Al because he could have been really cool and not an edge lord. Also most of this is stuff I've seen in other asks/re-writes that I think would be cool.

So Al in this version is pretty close with pilot/original Al. He was still a serial killer who loves to make deals. He has his code for killing of killing those who take advantage of the weak and most of his deals are deals of protection(ie. every time you help me, you can call on me to help you that number of times), he still makes deals for his own gain of course and is still as ominous as in the pilot. Also he functions like a warlock from dnd, with no real power of his own. Also also, he never swears at all, not once and if he does its a more old timey swear, he cannot talk with out his staff and has to perpetually smile.

Have him keep his sentiment from the pilot that he's here at the hotel for his own amusement and that he does not care about anybody in it. Have Al start of as very aloof and keep him this way for the frist 10(give or take) episodes(also give the show more episodes). Have Al never use his powers on screen have only give hints that he's as powerful as everybody says he is. Over the first season have the cast grow to like each other more Al include but much much more mildly. The main villains of s1 should be the Vs also save Heaven for last or later. So s1 final, the Vs attack the hotel or sm and the main cast + sinners who have checked in to the hotel(believing it not to be a lost cause, which also gives Charlie some extra motivation). During this have a part where Al has to use his suposed powers only to reveal that he has none or that they are extremely weak. At some point either durning or before his 7 year sabbatical they where either taken or disappears for some reason(maybe because of a deal he broke?). After this have Al use what little magic he has to teleport away leaving the hotel(because he's a coward/does not want to be seen as weak in anyway). The cast gets the Vs to leave them alone with one of Sir. Pent's machines bc he's the best and we love him.

Another thing that I want to do is show Al being aroace. Have an episode where he goes with Angel to the Vs tower just to mess with Vox but they run into Val and Alastor is very obviously uncomfortable near him, you could even have Angel notice this and try to have Val piss off.

Ok moving on to next season, Al is missing and have the gang(mostly Niffty and Husk bc in this au those three are friends and you can pry that from my dead hands. Also Husk and Al have a deal of mutual protection, they help each other out. Hell this could be another reason why Al left at the fight because he could do anything to help Husk.) start looking around pride to try and find him. They do and he immediately teleports away leading to a short chase until Al runs out of magic. Then the rest of main cast confront him about the whole ordeal. I'm not sure how exactly it goes but Al durning the whole conversation is trying to doge all questions and lie as much as he can(the main cast after this still don't know all the details but the main idea is that, Al had a deal with somebody who gave him powers when he first entered hell, maybe Lilith? And 7 years ago he broke it somehow, leaving him to disappear trying to regain lost power). Husk and Niffty manage to convince him to keep helping the hotel and probably question him more in private. I'm not sure what the rest of s2 would be about, I know that s1 is about more sinners checking into the hotel and also getting Angle away from Val. s2 Might be about Charlie finally getting to talk w/ Heaven and would you look at that they love the idea of a hotel for sinners to reform because heaven likes the exterminations about as much as hell does(exterminations are still about over population in this au). Also s2 introduces Lucifer.

I'm not quite sure what exactly happens in s3 and 4 but I know that in s3 Al starts believing in the hotel more and caring about the people in it(would he ever admit this? no.). Somebody in this season also presents him with betraying the hotel which he says no to. Idk how s4 goes but it ends with some angels(not all of them, only the most dedicated exterminators) going to hell against heavens rules to kill as many sinners as they can. They get stopped obviously but I still need to work out more details.

I'm still working on sorting out other stuff for this re-write also sorry if this is really long or annoying, I've had this sitting in my brain all week. If you don't mind I might also send asks about the other characters in the re-write

Good rewrite! Interesting stuff!

[askbensolo]

Journal Entry #48: Local Dude Already Hates the Job He Was So Excited to Get

Yeah. What the title says. It's been only a few weeks and I already hate my job. I don't know what I was expecting, really.

But...hey. The pay is higher than at my old position!

...That's my little mantra, anyway. I close my eyes, take a couple of deep breaths, and say, "the pay is better, the pay is better, the pay is better..."

Man...I don't know where to start. So...I guess I'll just start with the fact that upon starting this position, I was given my own text generation droid. And that already tells you a lot, right off the bat, doesn’t it?

I know I joked about that at my last job. But now it's not a joke—it's real.

Text generation droids are fairly new. Which is super weird, since protocol droids (and other droids capable of mimicking natural language) have been around forever. But, while natural-language droids use their speech abilities to communicate with us (and are so good at it they almost feel like other sentients)…they're not necessarily designed with the purpose of generating complex, or worse, creative, text samples. Threepio, for example, has no idea what to do when I ask him to freestyle rap.

And I have asked. More than once. Anyway—

My text generation droid at work is one of the Scribblr models. It's an SC-2 unit, so, I, uh...call her...Essie.

She also doubles as a personal assistant. And resembles a cute little humanoid lady, which I'm sure is sooo not sexist at all.

Only…about the size of a bottle of wine. She’s meant to fit on top of your desk, and she doesn’t move, which is weird for a droid. You have to pick her up and carry her if you want to move her around. But, mostly I just leave her in her charging dock on my desk. She communicates wirelessly with my work computer, and I can view her text generation outputs on the screen.

At first, I refused to use Essie's text generation function, because I, uh, you know, kinda wanted to WRITE, since that's what I thought I was hired to do—but my manager soon made it very clear to me that I could not possibly succeed in churning out the sheer quantity of content expected of me, without using Essie. Sooo...Essie and I are a team now. Unfortunately.

No—it sucks. It really, really sucks. What I am currently doing at my job cannot be described as writing. It's content generation, it's clickbait, it's mind-rotting sensationalist drivel for the masses, it's advertising and sponsored links and a never-ending battle to capture as much holonet traffic as possible—it's everything I hate as an artist.

But...hey. The pay is better!

Thepayisbetterthepayisbetterthepayisbetter—

Sigh. My hands are kinda tied. It's not gonna look good on my resume if I quit so soon. And I am not interested in starting a whole new job hunt, or crawling back to my old department in tears. So...guess I'm just...stuck here for a while. Me and Essie. Good ol' Essie...

The interesting thing about Essie is that I am 100% sure she is stealing my data at all times, recording my speech patterns when I talk to myself, tracking whatever little writing is actually being produced by me—because there is no other explanation as to why, instead of saying "Good morning, Ben Solo" like she used to, she is now saying "Yooo, 'sup buddy!" and "What's shakin’, my dude?"

She even said something was "wizard" the other day and...hooh, that made my heart flutter. Everyone else keeps telling me to stop trying to make "wizard" happen. But no. Not Essie.

I should probably be wiping her memory more often...but, honestly, I am way too amused by this. Today after lunch she said to me, "By the way bro, you have a stupid freaking meeting at three o'clock," and, ha—let me tell ya—it made my day. Fannie's lucky I still don't think droids are sentient, because, heh—well—if I did—wait, wait, no, actually I’m not gonna finish that sentence.

Ohhh, Essie! My bright light in a dark world.

...But I’m not becoming a droid guy. I’m not! Beebee-Ate and Threepio still drive me insane at home. And get this! You remember Sweeper? From my old office? Well, it turns out that every single department at the ChommSec Daily has also not updated their cleaning droids since before the Battle of Yavin, so it’s not the same Sweeper that’s on my new floor, but there’s definitely a Sweeper here, who I call Sweeper 2, and he is just as annoying as Sweeper 1. ARGH

[stay-midnight]

Unreleased Draft #2: Divine Amusement

God! Han Jisung x Male Reader

Sypnosis this time: In this world certain gods rule over certain cities and each god graces their city with their different blessing and operations based on their own preferences but what happens when a servant of the God of Order was issued to take a vacation to the City of Entertainment where the God of Entertainment, Mischief and Enjoyment resides in?

A/N • This draft is actually more recent than snowswept tails! And the writing is definitely more improved than the s.t, this plot is something I wanted to explore cuz when i see Han on the mv of circus the firsy thing I thought of was, “What if Han was a higher being who is the embodiment of entertainment..?” HAHAHA anyways it was also influenced by genshin at that time in modern state ig.

A/N Ratings • Plot/Interest - 7.5/10, I don't mind writing it but i certainly have an idea in mind and plus its quite unique as it strays (haha pun) from the usual god/goddesses au where its usually not modern, oh and I kind of wanna see where it goes?

Writing in this draft: 8/10 much much much better! HAHAHA

Write-ability / Needed Creativity: 6.5/10 I would have to scoure my head for ideas cuz my usual bright brain doesnt function quite as well.

TW: Vulgar Words, also its kind of short.

“We are now arriving at the city of entertainment everyone — for the people stopping here, please prepare your things and pack so that we can go forward with no delay. Thank you for using SK train as your transport and we hope to ride with you again. Please entertain yourselves in this amazing city.” the voice on the speaker said in a cheerful tone contrary to your facial expression right now — pissed and not quite happy as you stood up, holding your briefcase. The other people turned their eyes on you, in the compartment — you were the only one that's about to leave.

“‘Amazing city’, my ass.” you grumbled, copying the speaker guy sarcastically, the train stopping abruptly as the mechanical doors slide open. The flashing bright lights and the vandalism drawings on the walls were the first thing you were met with as you step out of the train.

After the bullet train leaves, you look around and saw just about 5 people actually stopped here. You sighed, carrying your luggage as you walked out of the train station — cursing the name of your best friend who said goodbye to you with a smile as he watched you get send off to this hellhole.

Walking the streets of the city in the night was a hassle but in no way in hell are you riding the taxi services called "Fake Taxi" that are literally the only taxis you see pass by, you even saw two people getting it on inside them.

“Oh, Lord Bang — why here, I want out.” you cried to yourself, you wanted some place to relax — but not here, my god, definitely not here.

The unclean alleyways, the smell of alcohol wafting throughout the air, the loud men laughing with no decency, the ladies' attempt at seducing the smoking men aroundand the children laughing as they vandalize the walls with penises and other horrid stuff.

What kind of god do they worship in a place like this.. .

Your legs felt like giving out at the long walk to your booked hotel, your arms were wobbly too from the heavy luggage and lastly, your eyes were about to give out from the lack of sleep.

“Oh heavens, what kind of horrible thing did I do in my past life to have to go here.” you grunted, and finally, breath of relief releasing from your mouth as you finally came face-to-face with your oh-so-very-lovely hotel with a broken sign and walls filled with drawings that are explicit.

Very welcoming, you thought.

After a long time of contemplation about whether it was worth it to go inside, added by the fact, you felt eyes at the back of your head. You took the step forward and headed in the establishment.

–

“Mhmm, the name is already written on there — I booked it 2 days beforehand.” you said calmly at the receptionist, feet ready to bolt and eyes closing in distress. The awful scent of cigar was making your head throb, your eyes were about as bloodshot as the druggies you saw earlier.

The receptionist eyed your badge on your clothing — a symbol of worship towards the god of order. He remained looking at it before handing you a keycard, a smug look on his face as he did so. “Goddamn order scum.” he muttered under his breath before your eyes wandering to the face of the man.

Not easily swayed by it, you took your keycard and tore your eyes away from him.

Walking over to the room given in long, drawn out strides and sliding the keycard on the room — you sighed and slumped your shoulders, stepping towards the bed with much little energy left.

The room has a rather comfortable atmosphere, very different from the outside — it had well-cleaned king-sized bed filled with pillows and a warm-looking blanket, windows, an air conditioner, nightstands and a good-sized bathroom.

“At the very least, there's one good place here.” you said in a relieved way, smiling for the first time since you got on that train and falling to the bed but not before throwing your badge, phone and removing your coat.

“Oh lord, sweet sleep...” you mumble tiredly, before almost-drifting away to your bubble in a abnormal position.

RING! — —

As a response to your lethargy, your phone started ringing. Your eyes slowly blink open at the loud noise interrupting your supposed—beauty sleep.

The number shown was terrifically familiar and you rolled your eyes at the man calling you at this hour. Always finding the perfect time too.

What a fucking amazing best friend.

“What the fuck is it? It's 2:30 AM.” you aggressively said through the phone, heaviness in your tone as you were met with mellow silence hereafter.

Silence from the other line cut shortly before you were met with the voice of none other than Kim Seungmin, the devil himself. “Looks like someone didn't take his chill pill tonight.” he snarkily said, plain sarcasm on his tone.

You sat up from the bed shortly, rolling your eyes as far as they could roll, “What is it? I was about to sleep.” Voice stained with annoyance as you groan afterwards through the speaker.

“Mhm, What? Can't check up on my best friend now?” he said through the phone, making a bunch of noises as if he was on the verge of hysterically cackling.

“I swear—”

“Anyways,” Seungmin cut you off sharply, his grin widening.

“Had fun there yet? Body count yet? And I mean both sexually and the deadly kind.” he continued, snorting a bit at the end before you heard him talk to someone else in a bit.

“You are annoying. Okay, I’m going to hang up now. Y/N needs his beauty sleep, thank you for calling Y/N's phone this fine midnight. Bye.” you said sarcasm fills your tone as a sour smile is on your lips.

“Wai—”

CLICK! — —

After the line cut, you threw your phone toward farther nightstand, it barely hanging on the edge of table. Your hand rest atop your eyes, a soft snore sound passing through your lips before you flop down to the bed, sleeping like a log in a matter of minutes after the call stopped. Dreams woven in your mind as someone finally noticed outside the hotel that an outsider entered their territory — grin full of interest and awaiting entertainment.

“Well, well, well~ That old man knows how to pick his followers alright.” A cracking laugh slides down their tongue effortlessly, eyes intrigued and form trembling in excitement.

—

As the sun hangs brightly, you stretch your arms — mind aloof.

On a normal day, orderly practices, altar cleaning and other things were your main priorities but today. . .

Let's just say while the heat is shining on to you via the windows, all you could feel is as if a heavy raincloud is atop your head.

Seungmin mentioned something of a library in here, so that's the first place you will go to instead of going to daybars or clubs (which he recommended but received a smack on the back of his head).

Though he did mentioned getting laid, acting like a child as he did — you'd rather learn about why this place is quite the dump it is and about this city’s ‘beloved’ god rather than prance around like a virgin in headlights or go straight for a hooker in sight.

If somebody was reading your mind right now, they would be both hurt and amused.

You groan standing up from your now-messy bed, wiping the dried saliva from the sides of your mouth — last night's sleep was the one of the best sleep you had in awhile to be honest.

“Okay, first day — Woohoo...” You mumble to no one in particular, cheering in a monotonous way possible.v

[badassbutterfly1987]

Black Sun Rising ch. 15 live read

This is a long chapter with a lot to say so next few chapters will get their own post.

before we get to the fun stuff, the chapter starts with a teen on a magic drug trip. he's having a great time until something attacks his mind/soul? and he's unable to return to his body in a legitimately unsettling scene.

trio arrive in a dae (town?) called Briand to shelter for the night. Damien notes that there are protective sigils on the gates, some of them designed by Ciani who is no longer able to recognize it, which can keep out lesser monsters.

interesting to note that Damien also has an insecurity that he manages well: he is someone that needs to be active and feel needed, an aspect of himself that he's funneled into service of the Church and helping people.

note that he realizes the innkeeper at the place they're staying is upset about something, suspects it's a family matter, and immediately offers to help (you know how characters are sometimes compared to specific animals? he's a sheepdog to me). turns out she's the mother of the teen at the beginning of the chapter who is now in a coma. Damien examines him but can't identify the cause and his Knowing is actively prevented from reading the state of his soul and brain activity.

with how quickly he's gotten attached to Ciani, I really want to know his previous dating history. is this a pattern for him? is he one of those guys that starts contemplating marriage within a half year of dating? oh, he's going to pair delightfully with Tarrant!

Tarrant finally enters the scene and it's wonderful. Damien is quick to describe how attractive he is. "attractive to women", sure Damien, that qualifier definitely makes it less gay.

worldbuilding: most people don't carry guns (which I did not expect to exist in this world) because technology plus fear of failure or in general can either cause it to fail or outright explode. That Tarrant carries an UnWorked pistol (does a vampire really need a pistol?) marks him either as incredibly reckless or an Adept.

Possible favorite moment of the chapter: Damian tries to perform a subtle Knowing on him, is immediately blocked by a Shield, Tarrant notices and Damien realizes he's been noticed, and Tarrant is implied to get a better read on him and is just kinda amused

I can just imagine Tarrant thinking: "oh this is the priest Karril mentioned? this is going to be fun". Love the Vibes here.

Ciani decides to get to know him the old-fashioned way (by straight-forward conversation) and Senzei makes a dumb comment like "women, am I right?" which marks the second time a remark about women inherently being a certain way (in contrast to men) which I'm willing to be lenient on because it was the 90s.

interesting to note that despite Tarrant acknowledging he knew Ciani and wanted to help her, he doesn't acknowledge that her and Ciani doesn't recognize him. Either they hadn't met in person and only knew each other by association/communicated through letters, or Ciani's forgotten him and he's playing coy for now

the group chats but everyone is evasive (especially Tarrant) about what they're doing and why. progress is only made when the topic of the coma teen comes up and Tarrant offers to help.

to speedrun: Tarrant identifies the problem very quickly and Damien is both unsettled and intrigued by everything about him. The boy's mind/soul/sense of self was permanently separated from his body and is functionally dead. Tarrant misleads the mother into thinking it was an overdose from illegal drugs while admitting to the Damian it was something using dark fae, which he confirms is similar to what happened to Ciani though he doesn't specify that to Tarrant. Then Tarrant goes full "eh, he's practically dead anyway, might as well speed along the body's death" which Damien objects to on the grounds he doesn't want to kill an innocent life.

here's the thing: I get what the author is setting up; Damien's firmly set in his moral code while Tarrant has ruthlessly tossed that aside and their dynamic will include that contrast.

but Damian's trained as a healer, he has to know when someone is too far gone to be saved. This is the equivalent of a coma patient without brain activity on life support; instead of Tarrant deciding to take care of things himself, wouldn't it be interesting to have Damien talk to the boy's mother and get permission before doing it, essentially taking the responsibility for it? It would establish him as someone willing to make the difficult choice while still retaining his empathy (which he'll probably develop into but still) and since I skimmed the next couple chapters, I know Damien is going to be second guessing this scene and wondering if Tarrant was manipulating his perception; how much better (or worse for him) if Damien worried he'd been manipulated into killing an innocent that could have been saved?

they part ways after this point because while they're both heading north, Tarrant only travels at night and Damian's a bit too weirded out to bring him into the group.

[landinrris]

For the wips, Lando WDC🥰

Lando wdc my eternal wip. I'm pretty sure this was on here last time I did this "ask me about my wips" game but I'm not ready to give up on it yet! 🫣 What it really needs is me to sit down with it and develop a new plot since the last time I touched it was Summer 2022. But it's pretty straightforward. McLaren comes into a new season and find themselves at the front, and Lando in a multi-way battle for the championship that has its highs and lows. Carlos is there for it all ❤️.

The references in this snippet are predictably very dated, but I like it still anyway, so take it with a grain of July 2022 salt.

---

The moments of quiet seem to be getting fewer and farther between as Lando finds himself solidly in the championship hunt. It’s only June, yet he can feel himself on the precipice of losing it— his well-practiced media smile cracking and unleashing the most ill-mannered thing he’s capable of producing each week. Each week is something new because there are a lot of dark thoughts that creep through his mind these days, hidden behind a corner and ready to strike when Lando seems at his most vulnerable.

Perhaps this is what they meant when people talked about needing a strong disposition to fight for a championship. There’s more to it than just getting in the car every weekend and driving. 

Gone are the days of two separate entities of himself— the one who goes home and the one who’s present at the track and MTC. In its place is a new Lando, one who’s seemingly on every minute of every day thinking about strategy and track layouts. A new sense of guilt is beginning to develop when he does something for himself.

Obviously, Lando knows there has to be a balance somewhere. If there’s not, he’ll be lucky to make it to the end of the year, let alone return to do it all again. It’s a topic he’s talked about often enough recently with his therapist. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

What helps, marginally, is taking the little moments when they come, when his brain gives him a brief respite from his thoughts. The little moments have been getting longer over the past few weeks, his vision less tunneled and heart rate less rabbity. Maybe it’s cliche to say Carlos’ presence helps. Maybe it’s too much on the side of codependent, but at least it’s working.

Even moments like now sitting up in McLaren’s hospitality lounge, stretched out along the length of the sofa while they watch the rain come down outside, is enough. They’re not talking about anything, but Carlos’ fingers dance along Lando’s arm, almost petting down its length on some strokes, and it makes Lando want to fall asleep. The familiarity of Carlos’ cologne, sharp and spicey, clinging to one of his hoodies from home he’s shrugged on doesn’t help.

Neither does the loud, trundling steps up the stairs that Lando recognizes as Daniel’s by now. It’d be bad if he didn’t after three and a half years as teammates.

The footsteps stop in the doorway to the lounge, if that’s what it could really be called. The entry point is more of an archway, the walls separating it from the rest of the floor minimal in their design and functionality.

“Didn’t know they let just anyone in here,” Daniel says without preamble.

Carlos huffs an amused breath through his nose before tapping Lando’s arm with finality. It’s his signal to sit up, to stop being a literal limpet if possible, which for the sake of now, he can. Daniel doesn’t need any fodder to jest with.

So, Lando sits up from his half-reclined position still admittedly half on top of Carlos.

Daniel’s still standing in the doorway, arms crossed and looking positively gleeful about something. It makes Lando feel uneasy because nothing good ever comes from a mischievous-looking Daniel.

“I mean,” Carlos says, and Lando can tell it’s not going anywhere Daniel doesn’t deserve. “They are still letting you in, no?”

Lando’s half-tempted to shoo Daniel and his big smile from the room in favor of kissing Carlos’ off his face.

“So, it turns out I heard a rumor, if you’re interested.”

“Aren’t you a little old for gossip, mate?” Lando asks.

Sometimes there are still remnants of the old Daniel from years ago that flash through. The one who spent an embarrassingly long time trying to get Lando to like him by being quirky and loud, both sets of teeth fully on display in a smile that almost looked painful. They’re on even footing now, older and secure in their relationships. Lando thinks Daniel knows he’s in his last year or two. There have been fewer bouts of loud, boisterous laughter lately.

But Daniel’s smiling now, and Lando finds something unfurling in his chest at the sight of it. If anyone knew, he’d never hear the end of it.

“Well, I figured it’s raining, and I’ve got nothing better to do than talk to people, you know? Heard it through Michael who heard it from a friend in Brazil.”

“Are they talking about swapping you midseason again with one of the Indy guys? Or maybe it’s Formula E this time.”

“I heard it’s Herta’s year this year, you know,” Carlos inputs helpfully, a look of mock seriousness on his face.

“Well, you know what they say,” Daniel adds, jumping on board, “One American isn’t enough. Gotta be at least half of the grid before they’re satisfied. Nah, but for real, you wanna know? I actually got a kick out of this one.”

“No, Daniel, we just want to hear you tease about it in the doorway and then walk away before you actually say anything.”

Carlos swats at Lando’s arm but Daniel continues as if he’s said nothing.

“Who else but the paddock sweethearts, of course.” Lando feels his eyes go wide and something churning in his stomach. Daniel charges on. “Apparently, you two have had an affair.”

“We’ve had a what?!” Lando practically shrieks, sitting up straighter and inadvertently putting more space between him and Carlos.

“Together or separate?” Carlos decides on, a question line Lando’s slightly more confused about. 

But when Lando looks back at Carlos, Carlos looks nothing but earnest. “What are you on about?”

“Was it me— you? Both of us? I am curious is all.”

“That part’s unclear,” Daniel interjects, pulling the conversation back on track. “Apparently, the Brazillian commentator was vague on details and maybe only mentioned Carlos’ name, with the girl, but Lando was there too? It’s all a bit hazy.”

Lando feels like the ground falls out beneath him. “A commentator reported this? When?” Carlos’ hand comes to settle between Lando’s shoulders, but Lando barely feels it.

“In the middle of fp1, I think.”

[big-mayo-official]

What if?

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into ouryou think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar,