#And then the cardiologist can't find a problem with my heart

[fictionplumis]

I just LOVE the way my health journey is going right now /s

Rheumatologist: This isn't my department, you need to see a dermatologist.

Dermatologist: This isn't my department, you need to see a cardiologist.

Cardiologist: This isn't my department, you need to see a hematologist.

Hematologist: This isn't my department, you need to see a rheuma-- oh, you already have? Then you need to see a gastroenterologist.

I see a gastroenterologist next Friday, but.

God.

I am tired.

[cbk1000]

So, I have another crazy story about the clinic where I used to work; this time as a patient instead of an employee. Under a cut because it's very long.

So back when I first got really sick, I was in the hospital a few times primarily for really high heart rate. I work out a lot and my normal resting heart rate is in the 60s; back in February I suddenly started getting palpitations, and my heart rate was going up to like 140 bpm just standing at my bathroom sink washing my face. I wore a seven day monitor at one point and my highest recorded heart rate on that was 157 bpm--just shuffling like a zombie around the house. I was also super weak and just felt overall like death.

Hospital runs a bunch of labs and imaging tests and can't find anything that would explain it. The last doc I saw said there was a bright spot on my echocardiogram monitor that could just be flashback from the monitor, but taken with some of my symptoms, he felt OK with a presumptive diagnosis of pericarditis (inflammation of the sac around your heart), especially as the treatment is just high dose ibuprofen for a week, nothing invasive or drastic. I need to follow up with a cardiologist, but I don't have a primary care physician who can refer me to the heart clinic. I had just turned in new patient paperwork at a local clinic so I contacted them to see if I could get in, but they said it would likely be a month before I could be scheduled with anyone.

In the meantime, the ibuprofen isn't working and my condition is getting worse. I have my next period, and after a couple of heavy days, I get even weaker, my heart rate goes even higher, and I get really dizzy all the time. I also am now short of breath just rolling over in bed. I legit feel like I'm dying. Because my symptoms get worse after blood loss, it suddenly pops into my head that about 17 years ago after a blood donation I got really sick, and all my symptoms that I can remember having at the time are the same, especially the cardiac issues. I took iron back then and that resolved it. I started wondering if my iron was low, did a bunch of research into iron deficiency without anemia, and realized every single symptom, including ones I had been having for a while prior to the heart issues (terrible fatigue, brain fog, headaches, sleep disruptions, restless legs at night) could be from low iron.

So I need to get labs done, and also I do still need a referral to make sure my heart is ok. I can't get in with anyone, so out of desperation, I go back to my old clinic because I know they'll get me in quickly. They schedule me an appointment for the next day with a doc who is going to turn out to be batshit crazy.

I go to my appointment with my presumptive diagnosis of pericarditis, and the doctor asks if I had the Covid shot. I tell him yes, but my last booster was in 2021, so not relevant here.

Well boy howdy was I wrong. He launches into a whole-ass rant about how bad the shots are, how many people have been injured by them, tells me I, a formerly very healthy, athletic woman, now have heart issues due to the shot, etc. etc. I say, 'Ok, but would the shot really randomly cause me issues three years later when I was perfectly fine after I got it?' (The answer is no.) Doc stays the course in blaming the shot. I have paperwork I need filled out for medical leave from my job, and he PUTS ON MY PAPERWORK THAT I HAVE TO TURN IN that my cardiac issues came on and progressed after the shot (three YEARS after, you DUMBASS) and that his impression is post vaccine injury. I feel too badly to do much more than sway on the exam table and occasionally interject that I had the shot three years ago and I don't think that's the problem. The majority of my appointment is him ranting about the shots. Whatever, I'm desperate, give me my fucking referral to the cardiologist and order my iron panel.

I get labs done and sure enough, my iron is low. I start supplementing and shortly afterwards get a call from the cardiac clinic; I lucked out and got in just a few days after my referral was sent to them because someone canceled their appointment last minute. I see an ARNP at my first visit and she says the echo I had done at the hospital looks fine to her, but they'll do a seven day monitor, a repeat echocardiogram, and have me follow up with the cardiologist just to make sure they don't miss anything.

So they do this, and in the meantime, after a couple of weeks on iron supplements, I start slowly but steadily feeling a bit better. My fatigue and brain fog that I was having every day improve significantly after only a week on supplements. My dizziness goes away. I feel a tiny bit stronger every day and now can sit up longer and start holding conversations with people. It's slow but steady progress for about three weeks: and then I get my period again. It doesn't knock me back to square one, but I definitely take a couple of steps back in my recovery. It's a little lighter this time, though, which is a good sign.

I follow up with the cardiologist. He says actually my heart is in really good shape; no signs of pericarditis or anything wrong with it; my high heart rate isn't due to a cardiac issue. Cool. I didn't think so at this point, but good to hear I don't have heart issues.

So I go back to follow up with my doc and plan to ask to really focus on the iron issue since the cardiologist confirmed my heart is fine. I have come a long ways but am still mostly bedridden; it is very slow to get your levels up on iron supplementation, and every time I get my period, it sets me back a little. Maybe some low dose iron infusions would help boost my levels so my recovery doesn't go backwards on account of me bleeding for a week every few weeks.

Doc comes in the room. He is clearly Not Happy cardiology did not confirm his conspiracy theories about the shot injuring me. I tell him about the symptoms I have seen improve and even resolve after about six weeks on iron supplements, and how I think most if not all of my problems are from low iron. He pretty much completely ignores this. He asks me if my fatigue and brain fog have improved. I say, yes, they were some of the first symptoms to improve after I started taking iron. He does not even acknowledge I have spoken. He tells me he thinks I have a combination of chronic fatigue syndrome and POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) caused by the shot. I remind him I just told him my fatigue had improved a lot since starting iron. And my heart rate is coming down too and not spiking as much, my issue is that every period after I've been improving, I suddenly get a little worse again. He ignores this. He tells me he is going to refer me to the neurologist to check for chronic fatigue and POTS. Ok, whatever, I'm pretty sure I don't have those things, but fine, have another specialist tell you you're wrong.

After about eight weeks on supplements, I really feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. I don't feel normal, but my heart rate has come down quite a bit, I can stand and walk around a lot longer without feeling like I'm going to pass out, and I feel the closest to normal that I have been in months.

And then I get my period again and my heart rate goes back up. I'm super frustrated at this point because I was So Close to being a functioning human again, so I decide to push for a low dose iron infusion. I just want to boost my levels high enough to get me over this hump so every period doesn't set me back right as I feel like I'm coming back to life. I've read lots of papers on iron deficiency without anemia (meaning your hemoglobin is normal) and decide to make an appointment armed with one paper in particular which was written by a doctor who has been treating iron deficiency for decades, and which lays out really comprehensively the numbers at which patients should be considered deficient based on their labs and symptoms, what numbers you should shoot for when treating the iron deficiency (I am higher now but still quite a ways away from the goal), and also lists a bunch of symptoms women in particular have reported that have resolved with iron treatment. I highlight all the symptoms on the list that I have had, as well as other sections particularly relevant to my specific case. (Spoiler alert: I did not even give him the paper.)

So I go to my appointment and he asks if I've heard from the neurologist yet. I say no, I'm sure it will be a while (there's only one in town, and I'm sure it takes a long time to get in). In the meantime, I really want to focus on getting my iron levels up. I lay everything out: all the improvements I've seen, how my period keeps setting me back, and how I want to try just a low 100mg infusion to boost me up so I don't take two steps back every time I get my period. He tells me I have chronic fatigue and POTS as a result of the Evil Shot. I tell him, once again, that my fatigue has greatly improved on iron supplements. He does not even acknowledge I have spoken. He tells me a local doctor is being PERSECUTED and PROSECUTED for prescribing Ivermectin for Covid. Ok, that doesn't relate to my personal medical issues that we are here to discuss, and also, Ivermectin is not approved for the treatment of Covid. I ask him again if I can get a low dose infusion. I understand insurance probably won't cover it, that's fine, I can pay out of pocket, I just need him to order it. He tells me he personally takes Ivermectin. Good for you. Again, not related to my medical issues that I am here to dicuss.

I mention that I have had restless legs at night for a long time, because I know this at least is commonly associated with low iron, maybe that will get his attention; nope. He totally ignores me again. I even try blaming the shot for low iron (sorry, Covid vaccine, sometimes you have to take one for the team). I say I have read Covid and maybe even the shot can deplete your iron; maybe the shot did this to my iron. No dice. (Mr. Jenn did applaud me for trying when I told him about it, though.)

He starts in about my POTS again. I say, ok, but POTS is a postural issue, right? He says, yes! I say, ok, then if I have an issue where my nervous system doesn't regulate my blood flow properly when I change from sitting to standing, why is my resting heart rate way higher than normal when I'm just lying in bed doing nothing, and why has my heart rate been coming down and is not spiking like it was after several weeks on iron supplements until I get my period? I'm not sure that fits with POTS.

He again does not even acknowledge I've spoken.

I ask again for an infusion to help boost me up so I'm not set back every period. He says as long as I'm menstruating it will set me back. Yes, I am aware I will lose more iron on my period, what I am asking is that while I am in ACTIVE CLINICAL IRON DEFICIENCY can we please do something to speed up getting my levels high enough so every time I bleed it doesn't knock me down again. He asks if I have considered a hysterectomy or uterine ablation for the bleeding (you know, invasive surgeries, instead of talking about birth control pills, which he didn't even mention). I said that was kind of extreme and I didn't want to consider that right now. I ask him about the infusion again. He says it's not a concern. I say, yeah, it is, I am having debilitating symptoms that have left me bedridden for three months. I need to get back to my life and my job. He tells me Congress is investigating the shots and it will come out how bad they are, but a lot of people won't believe it. I say, well, that's Congress' business, can I please have an infusion. He tells me insurance won't cover it. I say I know, I already mentioned that earlier (while you were ignoring me in favor of ranting about a vaccine I had three years ago), I have a health savings account, I can pay out of pocket. He tells me he's pretty sure I have chronic fatigue and POTS but we'll see what the neurologist says. I need to call and see if I can get in more quickly with the neurologist. I say, ok, in the meantime, since realistically it could take months for me to get in with the neurologist, can I PLEASE HAVE A FUCKING INFUSION. He tells me if I want one I will have to badger another doctor into it. (I can't remember the exact word he used, but the way he worded it made it sound like I was trying to bully him. No, you jackass, I am asking for an extremely common, low risk medical treatment for issues that have left me unable to work or leave my house for anything other than doctor's appointments for THREE MONTHS.)

So I left incredibly frustrated, needless to say.

Next day Mr. Jenn goes to his appointment at the clinic I initially tried to get into to follow up on labs he had done for an annual physical, and his doctor tells him his cholesterol is slightly high, but not enough to be concerned, he just needs to watch his saturated fats and red meat intake. Mr. Jenn tells him we've actually temporarily increased our red meat intake because of my health issues. He then mentions all of the issues I've been having, my lab results, and how I've improved a lot on supplements, but keep getting set back by my period. His doctors goes, 'Have you guys looked into infusions for her? You should try that.'

I DID BUT MY DOCTOR IS CRAZY.

Mr. Jenn explains that I had asked for an infusion and my doctor refused. His doctor gives him a weird look and wants to know why. Mr. Jenn explains it's because he's super set on it being chronic fatigue and POTS and won't consider anything else even though my 'chronic fatigue' and 'POTS' symptoms have both improved on iron supplements. The doctor again gives him a weird look and asks why he's stuck on those diagnoses and won't consider iron deficiency.

Because he's crazy, good sir.

Mr. Jenn's doctor then suggests we see if I can self-refer for an infusion and just pay out of pocket, but you need a doctor's order even if you're not going through insurance, so the next day when the clinic opens, I call, explain I tried to establish care there earlier so they have my new patient paperwork, but that I needed an urgent referral, and had to go somewhere else because they were a month out, but I really (REALLY) want to change doctors, is <Mr. Jenn's doc> taking new patients? He is not, but they'll put in a note with one of the ARNPs accepting new patients to see if they're willing to schedule me.

However, I know the new manager of the clinic (actually an old coworker from the crazy clinic that I'm friendly with), so the other day I texted her, briefly explained the situation, and she asked which doctor I wanted to see and said she'll talk to him when he's back from the long holiday weekend and see if he would be willing to see me. She will let me know later this week (he's not back in till Wednesday). So fingers crossed I can get in with a non-lunatic soon.

[aprismaticodyssey]

Hello; please read this, if you don't mind.

This isn't any sort of update. This isn't an announcement. I know I haven't been posting and I haven't been active, so I'm sure to a lot of you, I'm all but gone. For all my talk of "I'm writing this!" and "That's being edited!" I haven't shown you guys anything. I will get to that later. This post is to tell you about my dog and his situation.

That's right! I have a dog! A yorkie. I should have spammed you all with pictures of him. We had gotten him (my mother's idea) to help me through depression. He absolutely loves people, adores meeting new dogs (even if the bigger breeds scare him), and especially kids. He's a people person. He'd sooner lick you to death than ever cause anyone genuine harm. My dog's name is Monty. Monty the Monster. And he's certainly grown into his name when he would play!

Unfortunately, at eleven years old, I guess his time is... running out. You see, last month, we took him to be groomed at a pet store we frequent. When we came home, a couple days later, he would eat less. He wasn't quite as playful, but he was still more or less himself. After stressing about his lack of interest in food, we went to the vet. There, we were told he has a heart murmur, a 3 out of 6 on the scale, I believe. We were recommended to take Monty to a cardiologist and our vet personally recommended one that she had gone to.

The problem is... everything was booked up. Some places we simply couldn't trust with something so delicate. Others were full until next February or March. Last night, my mother had me call one more place and after the call, we were told to come in on emergency. Not ideal but everything was full and we had to get him looked at. His breathing is hard and fast, uncomfortable. Wheezing. A few coughs. Distress in his eyes.

So we left. The place was nice. The people were nice. The problem was what they found: metastatic cancer in the lungs. I appreciated that we were told matter-of-factly. Very straightforward. But I still cried nonetheless. And when we were left alone, I broke down. Our options were this: we give him a few days of medication and see if it helps him. If it improves his quality of living adequately, we could get more medicine. Or... after those few days... we come back and have him euthanized. My mother has looked into other avenues already. Further treatments. Tests.

But I've already made up my mind. It isn't fair for me to put him through all of that just to delay the inevitable. I feel like a horrible owner for thinking that. For saying it. Like I should be moving mountains to give him another week. A month. A year. But I can't. I just can't. I couldn't handle seeing my dog knowing that all I've done is bought him time, time his health has decided he doesn't necessarily have. I struggled going to sleep last night even after crying. I told him over and over that I loved him. That he's my best friend and how much he helped me. These eleven years are too short. Too soon.

So... the reason I'm posting this, the reason I'm saying all of this, is just because I would like you, any of you, to say a prayer or two for Monty. To wish him smooth passage into the afterlife and that he's able to eat all the things he never could. Like chocolate! God, he'd love it if he could have it now.

If there's anything I want left behind, it's this post. I love you, Monty. More than I'll ever love myself or anyone on this earth. You helped me more than medicine or therapy ever could. I love you. I love you. I love you. I hope you get to travel the stars. I hope you make friends. I hope you find grandpa somewhere out there and join him on his adventures.

And to those of you who read this... Thank you. I'm sorry for my silence. I'm sorry for not posting more. I'm sorry for not being here. I'll be here more and more soon. Eventually. Just... not yet.

[heartshattering]

I feel like I've messed my health up and there's no going back.

Yes, I took NSAIDs to deal with chronic headaches and migraines, TMJ pain, endometriosis cramps, and back pain, because 1 - a previous doctor who didn't want to give me anything else for the pain told me it was fine, 2 - I stopped being able to go to physical therapy, and 3 - I was balancing trying to graduate while being the caregiver of my terminally ill grandma in her last stages of life and didn't have time to practice other pain relief techniques.

Yes, I eat basically every food on those "Top Worst Foods for Digestive Issues" lists, because I don't have time to make a special meal every time I'm hungry while I'm taking care of my mom. Yeah, eating greasy chips and double stuffed Oreos and chocolate and other things I don't have to cook isn't good for me and I know I have trigger foods and should be following one of those low FODMAP diets and spend time meal-planning or whatever but I feel like I can't get my life in order. I struggle so hard to stay on top of other things, I don't want to obsess over every single thing I eat and have to cook 3 special meals a day for myself every day.

Yes, I overdo it with caffeine. It's a shitty dependency I've had for a long time which led me to having to see a pediatric cardiologist and get prescribed heart meds since before I was even in high school. I've been hospitalized for heart arrhythmias in my 20s and I still take too much caffeine because I'm always tired, sick, can't focus, and the doctor told me I couldn't take stimulant medication for ADHD because of my history of heart issues. Add on top of that the fact I have two parents from the "We don't believe in ADHD, young people just need to focus better" generation. So I fuck myself up with massive amounts of caffeine instead because that totally makes sense. And (surprise surprise) caffeine is another thing you aren't supposed to take when you have IBS (and almost every other health issue I have). But I do it anyway.

Going on sleep meds wasn't ideal. I have stopped other ones before and I'm weaning off my current one. But doctors still blame me for having taken them in the first place, don't see how much effort I put into gradually trying to sleep more naturally again, and just assume the worst from me and say I'm doing reckless shit like drinking alcohol while on sleep meds or driving after taking them (I don't do either of those things, on or off meds, but especially not on them). As soon as doctors find out about my home life and things like my mom being paralyzed and the fact I lost four of my family members in one year, they automatically think I'm abusing the sleep meds and lecture me on stuff like "Doing that isn't going to fix your grief/depression :/" and don't understand how difficult sleeping while dealing with severe OCD phobias and compulsions that get worse at nighttime is.

I stay up late because I can hardly get any work done during the daytime. I can only follow a sleep routine for so long until I run into a night where I have to catch up with my work because my aunt randomly stayed for a week, or my mom had an emergency, or whatever else. Same used to happen when I was a student taking care of my grandma, too. I suck at managing my time and I'm constantly overwhelmed, I feel like at any second I'm going to mess everything up and disappoint everyone.

I know I haven't been great to myself and that I have all sorts of habits that haven't been ideal but it's just been so hard to get help. I was made to leave the local psychiatric center because my problems were considered "too severe" for them to handle. It feels like no one wants to deal with me and that they just see me as a lost cause even though I'm trying. Really, I am trying. It's just so hard and I feel like too much of a mess all the time.

[radioactiveradley]

What would you consider the hardest imaging modality to work with? Any tips on how to get my eyes adjusted to the different images/radiographs they’re producing? I’m a student struggling with the different modalities and machines and the radiographs are just starting to look like blurry black and white and gray swirls in my eyes. 😵‍💫

Oh goshhhh, best of luck to you!

I'm going to give an annoyingly honest answer to 'which is the hardest imaging modality to work with'. It depends a lot on what you're looking at, and how you're looking at it!

In general, I would say that MRI is the easiest for discerning anatomy. Those are our crisp, clear, pretty images, which differentiate the soft tissues of the body beautifully. Especially when seen in the coronal plane (aka: the view you typically find in anatomy diagrams), it's suuuuper easy to discern different organs.

The only problem is.... it's kinda hard to express that on tumblr, when you can only post one image! MRI and CT produce 2D 'slices' of a 3D image in every plane, meaning that you're supposed to scroll through them to get the whole concept of the anatomy, rather than visualising a single image.

Here is a static normal abdomen MRI image, taken of a pregnant person, courtesy of radiopaedia. But I would enocurage folks to follow the link and scroll through the whole series!

The hardest modality to interpret (and, I would argue, use) in most cases would, in my opinion, be Ultrasound. Ultrasound is a cheap, fast and accessible imaging modality, which is incredibly useful as it can take 'dynamic images' (i.e., video, basically) without incurring a massive radiation dose. The pay-off is.... it's all fuzzy grey blobs.

Guess what this is! Go on, guess! Dingdingding, it's prostate cancer

You can get an awful lot of information out of those grey blobs, but you need a skilled Sonographer with a lot of wrist strength to be performing the exam and interpretating the images. My limp-wristed ass could never.

Ultrasound can be incredibly clear though! Some structures within the body are very difficult to image using MRI or CT, as they are in constant motion - your heart is the classic! We can compile 3D images of these structures by using ECG Gating - we trigger the CT scanner to only take 'pictures' (with radiation) when the heart is in diastole. This results in a gorgeous clear 3D image of the heart! But depending on the stage of diagnosis/suspected pathology, it can honestly be... just a lot quicker, cheaper and easier to whip out the ol' Ultrasound and do some good ol' echocardiography.

Check out this beautiful transthoracic view of the heart, taken using Ultrasound, showing clear differentiation between the four chambers!

Courtesy of Radiopaedia

But what this image can't show you is how this structure is moving, which is the key benefit of Ultrasound. The cardiologist taking this echocardiagram would be watching the motions of the muscle and assessing the function of the valves, not just looking at the static anatomy. Ultrasound might not be the best at creating detailed anatomical images, but it performs very well as a dynamic device, allowing the sonographer to watch various mechanisms at work within the body or, say, find a Deep Vein Thrombus by activating the Doppler and locating the point where the blood has clotted in someone's leg.

As for advice.... my best advice is to develop a three-dimensional model of human anatomy in your head, which you can spin around and rotate as you please to orientate yourself along the different planes used in imaging. Then you can just visualise where you are within your model as you scroll through the images, and figure out the blobby greyness using your knowledge of anatomy!

That sounds WAY easier said than done - and may take serious effort, depending on how good your individual brain is at thinking spatially and reconstructing images in 3D. I'd recommend accessing a resource like Anatomy TV, which lets you basically put human anatomy in the Horse Plinko Machine and twist it about and play with it and prod it from every angle. There are some free versions as well, but I'm afraid I can't vouch for their quality!

Again, best of luck, and keep practicing! It gets easier (and less confusing) I promise you! I am always here if you wanna yell.

[takeeachdayonebookatatime]

Castle fanfiction

Why did you elbow me? 77

Out of breath

Kate: pov I decided to go last, I helped everyone Except the military people by explaining to them the right way to do it. Joe did amazing and saved Linda's life. My partner is Ben. He has already saved Castle's life. Joe is Second to last Linda is supposed to save his life. Joe is a bigger man and she might have an issue getting him out of the pool. Lanie is sitting by me next to the tables near Castle who is chatting with Donny. Joe wants to get back in the pool. We are all taking a bathroom break within seconds. I notice Joe in the pool going under the water. I very quickly switch into cop mode and jump in the water without thinking and pull Joe out in seconds by myself.

castle: pov Lanie immediately runs over and asks if they are okay Joe says I was trying to drown and Kate saved my life. turned out Joe lied about the drowning story he is just suicidal. Lanie looks angry and says I want to be mad at you for pulling something like that but I can't since you saved Joe. Lanie has Kate sit down and check's Kate's heart rate and then pulls out a stethoscope to listen to her heart or as Kate says to embarrass her. So far everything sounds good.

Lanie: pov we head home and grab some Chinese food on the way, we talk while we eat. It has now been a few days, the week was spent mostly doing paperwork.

Castle: pov Kate is on the phone with someone important, I go downstairs to find Lanie in the morgue. I need to speak to her. I mentioned a company has offered me and my friends at the 12th precinct a free day of paintball this weekend. I would just have to sign a few autographs beforehand. But I'm not sure I should agree with Kate's health. I'm not sure if it would be safe for her.

Lanie: pov I mention you know she is a cop. I think if we put padding on her chest area I think she should be fine. She runs around daily so that should not be a problem, you should talk to her Dr first.

Castle: pov I know the boys would love playing paintball, Lanie decides to call Kate's cardiologist and talk with him. I could hear her discussing it with him very intently. She comes back over and tells me as long as she wears padding or a bullet proof vest and is careful her Dr said it should be fine. We would also have to explain in advance her condition and Kate would have to slow down or stop if she did not feel good. I decided to tell Kate and the boys the good news.

Kate: pov once I'm off the phone Castle tells me a company is offering him a free day of paintball all he has to do is sign a few autographs beforehand. I mention I'm not sure I can do that with my health, he mentions Lanie talked with my Dr and he said I should be fine I just have to cover my chest and be careful.

Esposito: pov Castle tells us the exciting news me and Ryan are both very excited, about the paintball game coming up this weekend. The week went by so slow.

Ryan: pov Jenny is spending the day with her parents while the rest of us are playing paintball. We arrived at 10am so Castle could sign some autographs for fans. A few of his fans had been selected to play against us. Which is fine with me. The 6 of us are playing with some Richard Castle fans. Me , Esposito, Lanie, Alexis, Castle and Kate.

Lanie: pov while Castle is signing autographs I talk with the guy who runs the place I mention to him Kate has a heart condition, arrhythmia to be exact and previous chest trauma from a shooting. Her cardiologist recommended she wear padding or her bullet proof vest, just to be on the safe side. I tell him I'm trained and know what to do if she has an emergency but your staff should be advised that she has a health problem just in case.

Kate: pov we decided to have lunch beforehand, the boys said the chicken tenders and fries taste fantastic thankfully they had some healthy food for me. I'm glad Castle is getting some time to spend with his fans. This one fan seems a little too into Castle, I introduced myself as his wife, I can tell she is very angry by this. Lanie tells me to come over here girl, so I can put your vest on. She is helping me put on some protective gear.

Lanie: pov I mention to the guy Dave who owns the place that everyone should be advised on where they can and can't hit Kate. I tell everyone that hitting Kate with the paintballs in the chest or side area is off limits even with the vest on. Dave says it will involve you being removed from the game.

Castle: pov Kate is laying down somewhere hiding I just know it. Lanie suggested it as an opinion for Kate. From my spot I can see the blonde fan Ms Hass walking by. Suddenly she is hit by a paintball. I can see the pink spot from Kate's paintball. Where Kate is hiding she is out of sight so Ms Hass won't know who hit her, but the pink paintball stain will give it away.

Esposito: pov I popped out from behind a corner and managed to get 2 fans at one time sweet. Ryan also accidentally got me in the butt, I know it's him because his Paintballs are green. Lanie 's blue paintball spots are everywhere. Alexis is doing pretty good. A few fans had orange on them and a lot of people had pink on them from Kate. Her back had barely any color on it since that is the only place people can hit her.

Ryan: pov I apologize to Esposito about getting him in the butt. This one fan kept trying to protect Castle from our paintballs. I even thought I heard her say don't shoot my husband. Very Strange and weird. To be continued. ……..

[tombeane-blog]

My Coconut Diagnosis

"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink 'em both together Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better Put the lime in the coconut, drink 'em both up Put the lime in the coconut, call me in the morning"

Harry Nilsson - "Coconut"

"Why do you keep going to the gym Tom?  Shouldn't you be relaxing and enjoying retirement instead of pushing your body way beyond normal human limits Navy Seal Style all while your gym-mates just stand around you with mouths agape gawking in awe."

"Well Vern, I have two goals:

1) I want to outlive each and every person on Earth that ever hurt me in even the slightliest of slightly ways, literally, alliteratively and figuratively.

2). And if I'm lucky, I may hear this conversation as I float far far above heading to the great beyond.

Mortician's Assistant: "For someone of his advanced age Mr. Beane is in great condition."

Mortician: "Well, yeah Vern.  All except for the whole being completely dead part!"

I do admit I spend more time with doctors these days than I ever have before.

Recently while waiting on-line to computer schedule a checkup I was listening to elevator music - occasionally interrupted by minuiated facts about the human eye.  

From that I learned that the human eye can distinguish more than 10 million colors.  

Which caused me to wonder... why can't I name more than 6 colors without using adjectives like dark or light?

After a long and pointless wait, I went old school and called to speak to a human. While waiting I was reading my provider's pre-appointment questions.

One of which was, Is a patient language interpreter required?

I'm thinking, "Cool.  Personal service!".  

When a human finally answered I requested an interpreter with a West Texas accent.

At my appointment: 

"Doc, as usual I've done exhaustive research on The Google and I know precisely what is wrong with me and what you should be doing to fix it.  But....... just to be thorough I'd like a second opinion."

"Ig..hack..orant..cough..id..mmph...iot!"

"What did you say Doc?"

"Nothing. I was just clearing my throat."

"Sounded like you said something."

"No. I think I said enigma or idiom or something like that.  Pay no attention.  Just medical muttering."

"Lets get back to your checkup shall we?  Listening to your heart I think your extra heartbeats are sounding a little different today."

"(Hmmm, he murmurs as he continues.) It looks like you are becoming a very interesting patient!"

"Is interesting for you scary for me?"(This is followed by 30 seconds of semi-understandable medical word parsing.)

Thus began two plus weeks of tests to include three sets of blood work followed by a whole crap load of medical 'grams' - electro, sono, insta and I think one very uncomfortable mammo for some reason.  

All of which concluded with me wearing a heart monitor for 48 hours.

After all of that, I go find my cardiologist for his assessment. 

I won't confuse my friends from Resume Speed, Georgia with all the medical jargon - so to put it simply the diagnosis was, "You've had these PVCs forever Tom.  There's no problem.  Everything is just Hunky-Dory."

All the way home I was trying to figure out how I was gonna break the news to my wife that everything was fine and she had nothing to worry about.

I mean let's be honest, she's been saying for a long time, "I don't know if I could ever live without you Tom.... but I think almost every day I might like to give it a try".

[nathank77]

5/14/24

7:18 p.m Added to/Edited

I fell asleep by 6 a.m. The combo of the 3 knocked me the fuck out. I woke up at 12 and I really needed to pee but I didn't let myself bc I wanted one more hour. So I fell back to sleep after hearing a sorta scream from my auditory hallucination cause yea that's how I know I'm falling back to sleep....

Then I woke up at 1 p.m, I used the bathroom and decided to get my bloodwork done for my thyroid bc I had to do it sometime this week or next. Last month I did it on the 16th of April. So the 14th isn't too bad. I had extra time and made the appt at 2 p.m and then made it to my doctor's at 3:15 p.m.

I didn't have much to talk to her about. I mentioned very briefly that I didn't sleep well for a couple weeks of April. I was very brief. I told her the Hydroxyzine with the Xanax helps me stay asleep longer. I brought up the ER visit and my cardiologist appts. I asked her about the right branch block and it could be bc of the wire placement. So that's hopeful. I also showed her my tongue again. And I asked to get my testosterone levels pulled before my next shot. So that's scheduled for next week right before my testosterone shot. I got to be there at 3:30 p.m now cause I haven't had my levels done in a very long time. Granted I've been on the same dose 99% of my whole journey on testosterone. For a few months I was on 1.1 instead of 1 ML but other than that it's been consistent.

She was okay with seeing me in August for my physical but I was like well I always have problems so she had me schedule something for July to see me after my cardiologist appt. She also gave me 25mg of metopolol. Incase. My heart rate was 103 there which is high.

I was in another room so idk if its accurate but appearantly I'm 179 pounds now. Which means I lost another 2 pounds since last week... was it bc the scale is slightly off? Or is my dieting continuing to cause healthy weight loss? With the combination of white mulberries? Or am I hyper? I'll at least find out if I'm hyper, Hypo or normal soon from the Bloodwork..

I'm worried that she's loosen the leash and not going to give me Xanax anymore... she didn't say that but she was keeping a tight leash on me wanting to see me every month or month and a half and then she was okay with seeing me in August at the end of August... that's why I was like umm I'd like to see you sooner... idk. She was just happy I'm sleeping and getting better quality sleep. I don't really think she's taking it away or going to perscribe a placebo if she ever did cause- I had heart palpitations which are withdrawal effects and my brief mention of not sleeping well for a couple weeks of April will tell her if I ever was prescribed a placebo it did not work as well as the actual medication...

But who knows if it was a placebo or not. And I know I'm just worried cause like I know Xanax is the only reason I fall asleep. She's prob just loosen the leash cause I'm not asking for more and I'm on top of my health. If I didn't have the physical I'm sure she would have wanted to see me in a couple months.

Yet I worry. But we will see. I don't think she's going to take it away/ give me a placebo but I can't help but worry.

Also i gave her my paperwork for the MRI and I should be able to schedule that tomorrow hopefully before the 28th bc if I don't get it done by then I can't get it done.

I went out for waters cause I didn't plan to today but I realized I needed them... and I didn't want it on my list of things to do tomorrow cause I was supposed to go grocery shopping tomorrow and knowing I needed waters would have gave me extreme anxiety and panic.... potentially panic attacks.. it might have effected my ability to sleep.

I grabbed some food and other stuff. I got to go back to the grocery store Friday for other stuff.. the waters was the hardest part bc of the panic but i haven't seen the gross POS for a few weeks.. I hope they fired him but that's happened before I just didn't see him for a couple weeks and then all of a sudden he was there again.

I'm going to new Hampshire prob Saturday. I got to schedule my oil change at Firestone for prob may 28th. My Dr's appts are finally slowing down. I'll prob go to Southington at 5 pm.

Next month i have like the cardiologist on the 26th and just my biweekly Testosterone shot. July I have my insomnia appt and my biweekly Testosterone appts as well as my ENT visit which I think my hearing is getting worse... but whatever I just won't wear my hearing aids so I can find a girl friend...

This month I still got my disability appt at 1:30 Friday...... and I have the dentist next Tuesday at 4:30 as well as my testosterone bloodwork and shot on Wednesday at 3:30... but after next week things will start to slow down. Just got to get disability out of the way, new Hampshire, my testosterone shot and the dentist.... and ideally my oil change which I can charge to my credit card and keep my Firestone card active...

Anyways as of last night I started taking 2000mg of White mulberries... I feel like I noticed almost immediate progress. I'm going to do 2000mg a day unless I get undesired side effects. I had some silence while I wrote my poetry... some. Still not allowed to think about my hallucination without hallucinating but either way I think the combo of 100mg of cbd and 2000mg of white mulberries could help facilitate the pathway and build healthy connections. I just got to work through the narrative the hallucination created.

It says, "the bussy cunt" and it may not be able to finish the sentence sometimes but I have been, "filling in the blank." Bc I heard the phrases so clearly and learned them and it broke my brain in so many more ways than just this constant hallucination... it says, "the bussy cunt" and even if i think a dominant thought like I need to make a sandwich... my back thought is, "feels bad for deadname last name.".. so I'm trying to change the narrative at least saying, feels bad for Nathan last name... but it's hard.

That's the issue it FUCKS UP YOUR WHOLE BRAIN..

Hopefully this combination of supplements make a difference. Idk.

And I hope that I'm really 179 and I'm normal levels... I also hope that my heart rate was only that high bc I was at the doctors White coat syndrome or whatever but who knows. Maybe I'll make it to 170 idk that's hopeful. I'd love to make it to 165. I'd fucking hit the fuck out of that gym.

[howiactuallyfelt]

The Double Edged Sword of Dating Career-Focused High Value Men in Their Thirties (Spoiler Alert: Common Courtesies Can Be Rare)

Before I start writing this post, I have to provide the context of the internalized values that I have for seeking out a mate, that I learned from my parents when I was really young. Education and career are more important than anything, per my dad and mom. That applied to both to myself, and any future partner I hoped to have. despite being not allowed to date all throughout school and college, my parents were still a palled at the fact that I wasn't married by 30. Enter me: a clueless wandering idiot, trying to wonder my way through a field of entitled thirtysomething-year-old men on awkward first dates. Most of the first dates never lead to a second one. Dating is not for the faint of heart, and you quickly learn you are not going to be everyone else's cup of tea. Every first date you go on, you make yourself vulnerable and placed yourself precariously in a position where you can become brutally rejected or ghosted for no reason at all. This sounds very negative, and I want to say 90% of my experiences were amicable first dates, even if they didn't lead to a second. I'm not here to talk about the 90%. That went well, the great young gentleman whose parents must've raised them right. No, that would be a very boring post to read and to write. I'm here to talk about the lowly 10% of the men that have somehow convinced themselves, that common courtesies and human decency, do not apply to them. Let's talk about the guy that decided to tell me what a waste of money. My acrylic side table was when I called him excitedly to show him a photo of this new deal I had gotten. Let's not mention the cardiologists that had to take a phone call every single date that we were on, and despite great conversation, did not want to go on any more dates as soon as it was clear, I would not go home with him. How about the insecure lawyer who decided to stalk me after we decided, we were better as friends, somehow finding my LinkedIn and trying to contact me on email, social media, and phone even after I had blocked him. Then there's the flaky dentist, thought it was OK to cancel dates 15 minutes before they were supposed to start just because he felt a little sleepy, even though it was the third date he had canceled that month. When, trying to communicate how disappointed I was that he had canceled for the third time in a row, the dentist had the nerve to write back "I want you to take a moment to reflect on how preachy what you wrote to me sounded. People are different, and I'm not interested in hanging out now."how are you, the one with the flaky behavior problem, going to lecture me on texting etiquette when you can't even take accountability for your own problem behaviors. It's one thing if these guys were honest about their intentions, or told me that I wasn't very important to them so that I wouldn't prioritize their plans. However, I have issue with the ones that pretend to have a deep interest in me, take me on dates week after week and then suddenly think it's OK to disregard my time and their own word / commitments. A lot of career focused men I am meeting lately, preface every conversation with Singh that they have people break up before due to not enough time outside of career. It's like they don't even care to prioritize a partner in their lives, in which case maybe you should not be on this serious dating app chatting with women who have told you before the first date that they are looking for a long-term relationship. I'm done ranting. Thanks for making it all the way down to this last sentence.

#dating #thirtiesdating #sigh #menamiright

[bigapollohospitalspectrainpatna]

What is a cardiologist? And the best Heart Clinic near me in Patna

A cardiologist is a doctor who specializes in treating heart disease. The best cardiologist near me is Dr. Nishant Kumar Abhishek and Dr. Neeraj Kumar.

More info About Heart Problems:- https://bigapollospectra.com/service/cardiology

What is a cardiologist?

A cardiologist is a doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating conditions of the heart. Cardiologists can be either invasive or non-invasive. Invasive cardiologists treat heart conditions by using catheters, while non-invasive cardiologists use tests and imaging to diagnose and treat heart conditions.

The heart is a muscle that pumps blood throughout the body. It is responsible for delivering oxygen and nutrients to the tissues and organs, and removing carbon dioxide and other waste products. The heart is made up of four chambers: the right and left atria, and the right and left ventricles.

The right atrium receives deoxygenated blood from the body and pumps it into the right ventricle. The right ventricle then pumps the blood to the lungs, where it picks up oxygen and gets rid of carbon dioxide. The left atrium receives oxygenated blood from the lungs and pumps it into the left ventricle. The left ventricle then pumps the blood to the rest of the body.

The heart also has four valves: the tricuspid valve, the pulmonary valve, the mitral valve, and the aortic valve. These valves open and close to keep the blood flowing in the correct direction.

The heart is surrounded by a sac called the pericardium. The pericardium protects the heart and keeps it in place.

The heart muscle is called the myocardium. The myocardium is made up of cardiac muscle cells. These cells are different from other muscle cells in the body because they have the ability to contract and relax on their own. This means that the heart can pump blood without the help of the nervous system.

The heart is also covered by a thin layer of tissue called the endocardium. The endocardium protects the heart from infection.

The heart is a very important organ, and it is vital to the function of the body. Cardiologists are trained to diagnose and treat conditions of the heart. If you have any concerns about your heart, you should see a cardiologist.

What does a cardiologist do? and the best cardiologist near me

A cardiologist is a medical doctor who specializes in diagnosing and treating disorders of the heart. Cardiologists are highly trained specialists who have completed a four-year medical school programme and a three-year residency in internal medicine. They then complete a fellowship in cardiology, which is an additional three years of training.

The best cardiologist near me is someone who can provide the highest quality care for my heart condition. I want a cardiologist who is up-to-date on the latest treatments and who is able to offer me the best possible care. I also want a cardiologist who is easily accessible and has a convenient office location.

Dr. Neeraj Kumar and Dr. Nishant Kumar Abhishek are the best cardiologist doctors near me.

When it comes to finding the best cardiologist near me, you can't go wrong with either Dr. Neeraj Kumar or Dr. Nishant Kumar Abhishek. Both of these doctors are highly skilled and experienced in the field of cardiology, and they both have a passion for helping their patients achieve the best possible health outcomes.

[silverandarsenic-hcs]

YAY ok may I please get a Copia fic with an Insecure S/O who believes Copia is simply dating them out of pity and intends to break up with them (which they think they deserve) ending with cuddling and the first "I love you"?

I hate putting a cut bc fuck people on mobile and fuck your dash but this is just unreasonable. And I liked doing this even if it reads a little boring to me.

-Rosie

"Oh please, it doesn't even matter." Copia huffed loudly as you followed him around the dark church halls, looking for something, you didn't know what, that his suitcase was desperately missing. Another work trip, another single ticket. Another night spent running around the church because your love would lose his head if it wasn't screwed on so tight. Maybe he did lose his heart somewhere, though.

"Oh. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter." You didn't want to get upset, he just picked the very wrong thing to stay. When you stopped and threw your arms up, Copia sighed so loud and turned to face you. "If you could have told me that an hour ago, maybe I wouldn't have gotten upset. Or a day ago. Or seven months ago. Then we wouldn't be in this mess at all." It was his turn to chase you through the halls. You weren't sure where you were going but you didn't want to fight in front of everyone or at least where people could walk passed, again. "You're right, it doesn't matter! My concerns never matter, because you don't actually care."

"Papa I just have a few things that require your- never mind. I will find you later." Aether ghoul saw the look on your face and new better than to interrupt. Great. So now people know we're fighting. And everyone is gonna say I'm crazy again. You wished you had a better relationship with everyone in the clergy, with the ghouls, and all Copia's other friends and coworkers and family. But you were the odd one out, without a job to do, so keeping out of the way was the best way to contribute.

"Nonsense, please." The man you'd been seeing for the better or worse part of a year waved the ghoul over and you never grit your teeth hard enough to concern the dentist before but you were considering making a call for an appointment. While he so obviously ignored you. Because it doesn't matter. I don't matter. You stood and crossed your arms so tight you might need a cardiologist too and watched as Aether sifted through the papers in his arms looking for the right one. He didn't even look up at you. You considered running off, locking him out of the bedroom, or going to your sister's house, or even just into the garden to freeze the anger off. You knew you shouldn't have been pushing it, but thought then maybe if you did, the truth would finally be out. This is why the truth has to come out. This conversation is the exact reason for itself. Aether turned and bent over so Copia could you use his back as a writing desk while he signed a few different sheets.

"Thank you, Papa. I'll say goodnight." He bowed his head and scampered off.

"We can't even have a fucking conversation these days."

"Forgive me I have work to attend to. And this isn't a conversation. You're trying to fight with me. Why are you trying to fight with me?" it wasn't always what Copia said that was the problem, but the way he said it. Everything was a plea or a push. Maybe if we get out to the garden we'll at least be alone. You turned and started on your heel again.

"It doesn't matter." You threw open the heavy wooden door and stomped onto the stones outside. The cool breeze blew your hair in front of your face, and the ground was cold through your shoes, and you had this hangnail that just wouldn't go away no matter what you did or how much you picked - as if that ever helped - and things could not have been worse.

"What are you talking about?" You lead him away from the church until you could only see by the short lights pegged in the ground and sat on one of the colder stone benches.

"It doesn't matter. You say that all the time. It doesn't matter. You don't even care, so it doesn't matter. Why are we doing this then?"

"Exactly! Doing what?" Even if you wanted him to get angry, just to prove something to yourself, his calm confusion, you called it flippant, proved something entirely different and worse. "What doesn't matter?"

"Me!" You couldn't cry, you luckily spent all your tears before he even got home from his meeting. All those stupid meetings. For months, just for some lousy trip. Every odd day was a meeting, and he never bored you with the details and you were never even allowed to wait in the car, and you were beginning to wonder if all the work he was doing had a name. You hoped she was nice, at least. Nicer than you. "I don't matter to you! Why are we doing this as in why are you still leading me on? All these meetings, and trips, and work, and the only time you have for me seems to be when you want your dick sucked and she's busy, and you never say you lo-"

"That's not true at all- who's she? What are you talking about?" And then you got really close to crying because hearing him get near admitting any of it hurt a lot worse than you thinking it, obsessing over it, aching over it every second of the day whether he was around or not. At some point you convinced yourself he only asked you to move in because it was cheaper than paying a live in whore and maid at the same time. All those damn socks on the floor. You crossed your arms and look away into the trees. All the way out there so far from the city, it was so dark you couldn't see your own feet below you without a flashlight, and couldn't see more than two feet in front of the lights surrounding you. You hoped he couldn't see your face either, or that you were picking on the loose string on your sleeve of the shirt he just bought you. "You think I'm cheating on you?" When he laughed like you were ridiculous you no longer wanted to cry, but scream so loud you could wake anyone in the clergy and anything that lurked in the shadows behind you. "Why on Satan's Earth would you ever think that?" The stone bench beneath you was scratchy on the skin on the backs of your thighs where you shorts didn't quite cover enough to stop the cold, rubbing while you shifted nervously.

"You're never home and- if you didn't know how to do it you can just do it now, and I'll pack my stuff. I guess I can wake up my sister to come get me by morning and we'll-" You couldn't see through the desperate burning tears in your eyes but you felt Copia's arms around you, pulling you into his warmth. You only resisted for a second.

"You're so silly, my darling. I don't want anybody but you. I don't know how you could think that. I'm sorry I've been busy with business, truly, but it's just business. I would never cheat on you. My baby. I love you. I do. And I'm sorry it took me so long to say it back."

"Well why didn't you?" He sighed and kissed the top of your head.

"Because I was scared. I've never told anyone before. But listen." He tilted your head up with a finger on your chin, faces so close you could kiss him if you only pushed your lips out. So close your eyes couldn't focus properly. "I do love you so much, it's agony away from you and I spend every second of the day praying when I get home you're still here." You wished his confession made things better. Instantly erased all the bad feelings and every bad thing you thought about him for most of the time you were together. But you only moved in in hopes things might get better, that you might be able to spend anymore time together, you might feel less alone, and fear like that doesn't just go away with a few words. But it was really good start.

"You thought I was going to leave you?" He sighed and pulled your head to his chest again. Even after long days of work and errands and emotional torment, his cologne was so soaked into his clothes you could still smell it cleanly. A warm, caressing scent you couldn't quite put your finger on. It was a strange sort of comforting like peroxide on a scraped knee - even if it hurt you knew it wouldn't get worse, because the infection was killed - to know he was having the same fears as you.

"Yes, topolino. I know I'm not here as much as I should be, don't say the right things when they need to be said, don't really know what I'm doing with you a lot of the time. But I know that I love you so much, you and my work as Papa are the only things that matter to me, and I don't know what I would do without you. Even those nights I'm so busy it's a comfort to know you're around just down the hall." When you finally calmed down all the anger died down and you melted into him. "It's freezing. Why don't we go inside?

-Rosie

[astr0-st0ner]

Transits : Mars In the 8th House

I can't promise this will be the beginning of a series of posts, but hey, journaling through one particular planet as it transits through your life seems like a good idea.

Things have been weird lately. I don't remember when but I went from being completely drenched in astrology studies and reading through thousands of astrology related tweets a day, to having very little interest in the topic at all.

I've had that inner excitability that feels like I'm... a piece of flint. Everything is rubbing up against me and lighting me on fire, but not in a good way-- in fact I am feeling ANGER, an emotion I am absolutely terrible at coping with.

Cope. C o p e. I read something today that said "don't cope the same way you celebrate".

What am I coping with right now?

this month (July 2022) marks 10 years since a major, life-altering trauma... one that I don't think will ever be fully healed. A lot of thoughts are just coming up despite trying to not give it any sustained attention. The body really does remember.

a few weeks ago, my mom started having a major health issue. She has a heart defect that was never symptomatic but suddenly she's having scary episodes where her chest gets tight and painful, she feels like there's something stuck inside her neck, she can't speak or walk, but it goes away after a few minutes. She can't be seen by a cardiologist for several more months, and when she did go to the emergency room, they ran an EKG and echocardiogram, her vitals, two rounds of blood work, and somehow found NO irregularities. Which sounds like bullshit to me. She has an existing leaky valve condition and every doctor she goes to mentions that she has an abnormal heart murmur. She has a leaky valve. How is it that this emergency department didn't pick up even health issues she knows she has. UGH! Just writing about this is making me angry! She's been bumped up to 10 hour work days at the Post Office and taking time off isn't something she sees as an option. So yeah, I feel like every day could be the day someone at work finds her unresponsive in the bathroom or something. I don't really feel like she's going to die, but more like something is about to happen that is going to change everything in her life.

Which then makes me start thinking about my own physical stability. When my presence here begins to become a real burden on my parents in any way, I feel like I need to get out of here. Then I start spiraling. I literally don't know how I'm going to pick myself up and get into my own place, being on disability and not having had a job for the last 10 years because of it. Right now, I can't seem to save a penny. Again this month I completely ran out of money 7 days before pay day. EVERYTHING in my life needs restructured. My partner, even though we've been together for 9 years, is nowhere near wanting to officially share an address with me. I can't count on him to help me do anything, honestly. Sometimes he is extremely helpful and generous and kind but more often than not he is just impatient to hear about my problems and responds to all of them by yelling at me and putting me down for my past failures.

the money thing. 6 more days of $0.

My partner is expecting me to save a few hundred dollars so we can go to the Cape in September. I just want to cry thinking about it.

I'm having those dreams that I can't really remember I keep waking up feeling emotionally battered from them...

But here are some less bad things, just because posting a completely negative list is against my beliefs :)

I was getting concerned that my sexuality was rapidly disappearing. We were falling into a rut of almost being afraid to touch eachother, which I feel like we partially broke through recently. I guess I have been able to respond to what I know he really wants and needs a little better lately.

I am doing really good in physical therapy. Doing more exercise at home, which seems to be making a difference. I still can't really feel parts of my leg and foot, but there have been a few times in PT doing some major traction (having him yank my leg out of socket basically) where feeling floods back for a minute or two.

Now that I think about it, I was having a really scary IBS flare like a month ago that actually ended and I'm not feeling like nearly as bad as I was.

[damned-thoughts]

DWs scariest episode and its meaning

Warning: I'm not a professional, I only have some experience with psychology on a basic level. Therefore, this theory might be theoretically incorrect. But I'll try my best not to make any misleading mistakes. 

Doctor Who is usually known as a sci-fi show and not a horror show. Despite this, there are few pretty scary episodes that could fit the horror definition. 

One of those episodes is Midnight, from fourth series of Nu-who. 

The episode starts as the doctor travels with Donna to the wellness planet made entirely of diamonds, where they split up and Doctor decides to go to a trip through the dangerous planet with a travel agency by himself. 

But something goes horribly wrong. Suddenly, their vehicle stops in the middle of nowhere and is unable to move. Then, they hear a knocking from the outside, even though there can't be any life in the planet's environment. 

The knocking is getting louder and more urgent, scaring everyone on board, mostly a female presenting person named Sky. She's freaking out, screaming something's coming for her. 

Eventually, she becomes possessed by this unknown entity, which has been sleeping in the planet and now awaken by the unexpected visitors. 

Possessed Sky repeats every word said in a hungry and unsettling way, until she repeats only after the Doctor, he is chosen and then she consumes his speech, the Doctor is now the one repeating. 

But what does all that mean? 

It reflects multilayer psýché with something unexplainable and dark, which lurks inside of us. Lovecraftian transcendence, which is part of our reality albeit we don't want to admit it. 

Not only does this episode have properly developed characters and a great plot, it has also an interesting meaning. 

I presume the planet is our unconsciousness, being much larger then our consciousness, the bus. 

The outside of the planet is unreachable, full of secrets and they are unable to enter it, they're only allowed to observe it for a short time, otherwise they would die. They can't affect the planet, but the planet directly affects them. 

And somewhere in the unconscious, there's waiting a serious mental illness/personality disorder to be triggered. The entity, whose source is not known. Where did it come from? 

Once it's triggered, usually by an accident, it attacks the people exposed and they have different reactions. Some of them are immediately killed by the illness, like the driver, some of them remain frightened by it, as the entity knocks to the fragile walls of sanity, trying to reach them. 

Eventually, the person who had the strongest predispositions for it manifests some toxic traits, becomes possessed - narcissistic sociopath for example. Their soul is deep down inside paralyzed and the illness takes control. 

The person is not evil, the entity is displaying "toxic" behavior though. 

When such person has also a type A personality, the problem with sinister repeating emerges. 

The Type A personality behavior was first described as a potential risk factor for heart disease in the 1950s by cardiologists Meyer Friedman and Ray Rosenman.

Type A is generally more aggressive and competitive than the calmer and more creative type B. If the type A suffers from specific kinds of mental disorder, they show pathological way of functioning in a society. They don't develop a personality, thus they have to copy one. Being type A makes them aggressive and they're trying to find a weak person, usually a type B, to steal from. 

In this case, The tenth Doctor represents type B personality, the one that's easier to steal from as it's less assertive. That's why he's chosen. At first Sky repeats after him, then she catches up and talks at the same time, which is terrifying, and at last she starts to talk before him, absorbs his personality and make it her own. The Doctor is now paralyzed.

The rest of the people on board are facing it and are weakened by their illnesses as well, so they panic and don't know what to do. They want to get rid of the toxic person from their group, but they aren't sure who is it, since Sky has manipulated them into thinking it's the Doctor. 

In the end, they decide they need to throw the Doctor out and almost succeed. However one of them becomes aware of the truth and saves the Doctor, sacrificing themselves while also killing Sky. 

In reality, the toxic people in our lives of course don't deserve to die. Despite this, they often deserve to be cut out of our lives, no matter how hard it is.

[reaching-for-roses]

Bare with me, this is long and rambling.. but I hope it will be worth your time. And if not, maybe it will at least help me to get it off my chest.

I will change fonts and colors throughout, to make the post easier to read for anyone who has trouble reading huge walls of text, like myself.

**Some possible triggering content within, but I will only mention them briefly: pet death, covid, heart attack, hospitals/doctors, financial problems, panic attacks/anxiety, cancer, medication, psychiatric care, general health issues, vehicle safety/possibility of wrecking**

~~~~~~~~~~~◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇~~~~~~~~~~~

These last few months have been filled with prayers. More than I think I've ever prayed.

To give you some background information, but without going into too much detail, I'll just say that my family and I have experienced two very traumatic pet deaths, a couple covid scares, a family member was diagnosed with cancer, and my dad has been in and out of the hospital due to heart disease after having a heart attack in September.

Along with all of that, there have been no shortage of financial woes as well as problems with our vehicle.

Life has not been easy lately. My mental health has suffered immensely as a result, and I've had more panic attacks than ever. Thankfully I currently am taking medication for that, which helps a ton. The problem is that I got the medication as a "one-time/ emergency" perscription at the local health department. The doctor told me I needed to see a psychiatrist for any more.

She suggested a local center that works with people who are low income. The issue here is that I don't want to go there, since I've already had one bad experience there. But I most likely can't afford anything else (if I can even afford that). So I've even been having anxiety about having anxiety and having to ration anxiety meds. Not fun, to say the least.

Today, my partner and I are out driving around when I feel the need to check on my dad. I call him and he tells me that he just got home from work, but something strange happened on the way home:

He had passed out while driving.

By some miracle, he was only about a mile from home, and was traveling on a side road going about 30 mph. But here's the amazing part..

He only had a couple of seconds to realize what was happening, and in that time he managed to hit the brake. By some miracle his foot stayed on the brake while he was out, and when he woke again the vehicle was still stopped.

We have no idea how long he was out for sure, but we think it was only a moment. After he woke, he took a second to figure out where he was and what had happened, and then he drove the rest of the way home.

When I talked to him on the phone I was shocked. Naturally my first thought was to get home as quickly as possible and get him to the hospital to get checked out.

We did so, and the doctor found no certain cause for what happened other than his blood pressure being wonky, he was slightly dehydrated, and all of the new medications he's on could be messing with him. They gave him some fluids and discharged him, reccomending a follow up with a cardiologist.

The entire day since finding out this news, all I could think of was how incredibly fortunate he was to have not crashed his vehicle when that happened. If he had been on the main road still (the one he was on moments before) he would have been going 60 mph with cars ahead and behind him. That hospital visit would have been very different.

I kept thinking about how I got the urge to check on him, not even 20 minutes after it happened. About how my partner and I were already in the area, even though we hadn't really planned to be.

I can't help but feel that all of it was a blessing. That it could have been so much worse.

These last few months have been filled with prayers. Prayers of grief, prayers seeking connection, prayers asking for guidance. But mostly.. prayers asking the gods to keep my loved ones safe and healthy.

I've asked Apollon, Asklepios and Hygeia to watch over my dad with his health issues, to help his doctors provide the best care, and for all of us to be protected against Covid.

I've sought comfort from Hestia and Aphrodite through rituals of self care, done in their honor as much as my own.

But the deity I've spoken with most has been Hermes.

Hermes, friend of man. God of humanity.

He has been there for me in so many ways. Not always in the way I wanted, but in the way I needed.

I believe the gods can't always interfere. Maybe sometimes they can't change what fate has in store for us. Maybe even they have rules to play by.

But I still believe they try. They do what they can, when they can, for us.

So Hermes, if you're listening..

I know what you did today. Words can't express how grateful I am.. but thank you.

I know Hermes isn't the only god who's watched over me or my family. In some way, at one time or another, they all have.

I appreciate each and every one of them. For every little thing they've done. Even if I didn't notice at the time.

I adore the theoi. They have provided me with more comfort and joy than I ever could have dreamed of.

I know that life has been hard lately. And I also know that it will get harder sometimes before it gets better. But I am learning to trust in my gods and their ability to lend me strength, hope, and comfort whenever I need it most. That whenever they can interfere to help me out, they will.

I hope that whatever is going on in your life right now, no matter your difficulties.. you are able to find peace. Even if we can't always see it, in the midst of our mortal worries, insecurities and distractions.. I hope you know that you aren't alone. That even if you feel helpless, the gods are there. They will always listen. They will always provide in whatever way they are able.

♡

[chicago-geniza]

i'm so mad about that cardiology consult lmao. wait over a year, get an echo scheduled for...october, vague assurances that someone named matthew will give me a call at some unspecified point in the future about a holter monitor, the cardiologist himself thinks there's "nothing wrong with [my] heart" & my symptoms are "mostly likely caused by [my] migraines & seizures" like it's simply a coincidence that my presyncope & fainting spells happen when my heart rate is ~150s-200s, & that these saltatory leaps in pulse, sometimes by up to 100 bpm, only happen when i stand up or change position from horizontal to vertical. like. my buddy my pal my ragtime gal. he was so close. he mentioned "endocrine abnormalities" & cited the adrenal glands specifically. i wanted to be like yes, i have vanishingly low aldosterone, actually, yet another reason to suspect POTS and order a tilt table test, but doctors get offended when you have clearly done too much "homework," as cardiologist put it. anyway he did say he'd probably order a tilt table in october if the holter & echo were inconclusive but ahhhhhhhh i resent being condescended to & i especially hate when doctors see i have a primary neuro diagnosis (familial hemiplegic migraine w/ ataxia & seizures) & go "ah! you're having a vague symptom for which i can't find an immediate cause! it must be your Weird Neurological Disorder, & therefore Not My Problem!" like gastro did this too, saying my gastroparesis was "probably abdominal migraines" lmao

[mandelene]

how should i deal with doctors who are dismissive of my condition(s)?

I'm so sorry to hear you're being dismissed. 😔

When I was having problems with my heart rate after having covid, the severity of what I was going through was minimized, and I kind of accepted it because I thought to myself, "well, I'm not a cardiologist, and I don't really know anything about my condition, and nothing the doctor told me sounds unreasonable, so I guess it is what it is." It wasn't until my mom (a nurse) yelled at me and told me to go back to the cardiologist that I realized I had to advocate for myself more.

I emphasized how bad my quality of life had become, and I told him that I didn't think the advice he gave me previously was enough because I'd been trying those things already and I still couldn't do basic tasks around the house without feeling completely winded and like I was going to collapse.

So I think it's really important to be blunt with your doctor and tell them how you're feeling and why you're concerned. And if they try to minimize/dismiss your issue, tell them that you still feel like you haven't been given a solution to the problem and you don't have peace of mind. Be honest and tell them you feel like your concerns haven't been addressed. Sometimes, you have to be a little insistent and let them know you're not satisfied with the care you've been getting. Be direct and tell them what you want from them/expect them to do.

If they're still not hearing you out after that, aren't giving you solutions or options, and you're not feeling any better, then you might want to get a second opinion from a different doctor. Or if you've been going to your primary care doctor, maybe they can refer you to a specialist who treats your kind of condition(s) regularly because specialists are usually more thorough and are more educated on the specifics of the conditions they treat.

It might help to come prepared with a list of questions/points you want to address at the appointment because sometimes if you get nervous or anxious, you might forget what you wanted to say. Bringing a relative/friend for moral support can also be helpful.

I find that I've usually only felt dismissed by new doctors who don't know me. Even though things shouldn't be this way and every patient should be treated equally -- if a doctor knows you well and likes you, they're likely going to be more compassionate towards you and more helpful.

Doctors are human and have biases just like everyone else. They may be making assumptions about you without even realizing it. They may assume you're exaggerating or shouldn't be taken seriously because of your age, gender, race, etc. It's terrible but it happens all of the time.

When in doubt, I talk to doctors whom I know I can trust regardless of what the problem is, like my primary care doctor or pulmonologist, because I value their opinions and know that they'll be able to connect me with good resources if they themselves can't fix the issue. So, if there's a doctor like that whom you can turn to, I'd talk to them and see if they could offer some suggestions/advice.

I hope everything works out for you! 💕