#And then it went on to stress us out because there is no framework but pathology and trauma!!

[multiplydifficult]

Do people realise that trauma is a framework through which to understand their experiences?

And while it is important to let people know that y'know, just because your parents or others around you tried their best, doesn't mean they didn't harm you; it's important to let people know that a lack of support (emotional support, respect for autonomy, understanding of difficulties & support problem-solving, etc.) no matter how well intentioned, can fuck people up in the long run,

It's not actually helpful to insist that every unpleasantry in childhood is inherently traumatic. It's not helpful to insist that anyone who is still in some way affected by an unpleasant childhood thing has trauma.

You don't get to decide what's trauma for other people. You don't get to tell them that actually, they're wrong and that experience they had was trauma and they just don't know it.

They get to decide what was trauma for them, and if they say "i had xyz experience, and it was not trauma," you don't get to decide they're wrong, that they don't understand what trauma is. You don't get to decide that they're just not understanding the severity of their experience.

Trauma is a framework, and it's not a helpful framework for everyone.

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

I'm a student about to start my second year, and me and all my friends are really nervous. It feels like first year was really rough for everyone all over the place and we're all really hoping for a better second year this year! Have lecturers been noticing that too? Do you think it's because of COVID?

Oh my god yes. Jesus yes. It's absolutely the covid effect, and we're expecting to see the disruption for the next five or so years, tbh - the current 18-21 year old undergrads went through the most important years of high school during a lockdown. That not only interrupted academic development (home schooling during a time of stress, massive disruption to exams and exam-taking skills, etc), it also enormously hit emotional development (mid to late teens have the highest socialising needs of the human lifespan, and no one could meet and interact with each other.) And that latter point is having a much bigger effect than the former.

Current undergrads haven't been able to develop the same resilience, the same approach to andragogic education, the same interpersonal skills for dealing with lecturers/fellow students. University is not like school; in school teachers are giving you the knowledge, and gradually encouraging you to try and use it to formulate your own opinions. In university, we're supposed to give you the framework to then go out and do you own research. The bulk of your education comes from you, not us; we're more like facilitators.

But, we're noticing that there's a far bigger skew now towards needing to get the answer right. Anxiety is higher, and so the fear of being wrong is much more crippling for these students, and that in turn means they're less willing/able to take charge of their own education and are more passive with it, wanting to just be fed the right answers so they can rote learn them and get the Good mark. And the disconnect between that and the reality of what lecturers are expecting is pretty big, it turns out, and is causing even more anxiety and stress. Record numbers of my students have started asking me to give their assignment drafts a quick look over, just to see if they're on the right track. Which, you know, I'm more than happy to do; but I do think it's a notable pattern change from three or four years ago.

If you're worrying on a personal level though, Anon, I have some Handy Tips if they're any use!

Remember: the idea of uni is that you are doing your own research and learning on the topics your lecturers describe. They're giving you the basics, but they're expecting you to look up examples, case studies, other research papers, etc. They want to see analysis. That's what gets you the good marks. If you simply describe the information you got in lectures and don't add anything, you'll struggle to rise out of a basic pass.

What's the fundamental point of your particular course? It's important to know this, because it'll tell you how to focus your assessments and exam answers. Just within the environmental sector, you could have Environmental Science (focus: academic exploration and research), Environmental Conservation (focus: applying the academic research to actual management and solutions), Environmental Impacts (focus: philosophy and ethics), etc. In all three, you might be given a paper about the latest IPCC report, but in the first you would focus on exploring all the research papers that formed the conclusion on climate change, in the second you'd focus on case studies around the world and the applicability/feasibility of the shared economic pathways that are going to fix the problem, and in the third you'd focus on the human impacts of both the problem and the proposed solutions. You may of course include elements of all of those, but your main focus should be chosen appropriately.

Keep your notes with copies of the lecture slides in nice ordered folders. Keep a bulleted list of the topics covered in each. This makes it far easier to go and double check the right info when you're stressed out

On that note, the best note-taking system is to add notes/comments to the lecture slides where you record clarifications and things the lecturer said (INCLUDING CASE STUDIES). Don't bother duplicating effort by writing what's on the slide.

I truly do know this is easier said than done, but don't leave your assignments until the last minute. Are you struggling with motivation? You need a study group. You need to body double.

And finally, the biggest: CONTACT STUDENT SUPPORT IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING. Every time I go to an exam board and we get to a student who has failed stuff, the first question the Academic Office asks is "Has this student been working with Student Support?" Even if they aren't that helpful in your uni, working with them means they know about the things you're struggling with, and that you've clearly been trying to work around the problems. That makes the Academic Office far, far more likely to take a lenient view of a student, rather than going "Well, clearly they just don't care then, withdraw them from the program." Your Student Support should be able to help you with counselling, study buddies, a support worker that can help you organise your time and interpret your assignment briefs correctly and give you interim deadlines, etc.

Oh, and remember to schedule in rest and downtime, just as much as study time.

And... honestly, you learned a lot in your first year. The learning curve is less steep in second year, even accounting for the academic rigour increasing. By now, you're basically used to things like referencing, routines, assignment formatting, etc. There are no more surprises, really. Now's the point you can get the bit between your teeth and run.

Anyway: good luck! And enjoy it as much as you can. University is hard, no doubt about that, but it can and should be fun as well.

[friendsim2]

just finished around 2/3 of volume 12, i love so much the entire dreamscape / real world mechanic and lore-wise, love the way purplebloods and their history is represented and currently romancing Lynera. i'm in love with this volume so far thank you all so much (and whoever had the idea of making TechniColor Heart an actual thing, i'd hug u)

That was me (game's director/lead writer here) - TechniColor Heart was actually in production for a few months. The April Fool's joke trailer was just a fake-out using footage from the actual game (within a game) - it's original inception goes back to the "we'll put sex in the game" meme we did on Twitter.

So I basically spent 3 months writing, coding, and doing UI design to put that in there. The assets are a combination of Friendsim 2 assets and backgrounds I did and sprites that Riotbreaker did for another game (it was cancelled in its original form and another studio may or may not be continuing it at some point, but without the original assets). I'm a big fan of committing to the bit - to the point where every one of the "hahaha wouldn't it be funny if we put this in the game?" jokes has not, in fact, been a joke.

Originally there was gonna be a shorter and less interesting dream sequence in that bit there that had a Tyzias/Tagora trial sequence (we actually had that sequence completely done with recorded dialogue) as well as some small walk-around segments using existing assets.

There were also a couple cut mini-games from Volume 12 - a sliding tile puzzle and a "light up the lights" type puzzle, neither of which was very fun - so those got replaced with Tetris and Fire Fling, respectively. (if you talk to Mallek about his GameDude console in the TechniColor Heart segment, you can actually play Gameboy versions of those games to practice them)

Overall, Volume 12 has probably been our most involved volume. One of the things I wanted to get right going into this game was how the purple bloods are portrayed, because there's a lot of baggage associated with how they're shown in canon, and I wanted to approach the whole thing thoughtfully and make it an impactful experience.

I cannot stress enough how important the contribution of the route's primary writer, Miranda Holliday, was to the experience of that route. They laid down the framework (and wrote most of the first half of the route) for a lot of the themes and how they tie into real-world issues of ethnicity, race, and culture. I picked up what they put down and then they went back over what I'd written in the second half to tighten up some of the language and provide feedback on the way the themes were developed.

Also, the route's sprite designer, Cole, was instrumental in fleshing out the character designs and giving them a unique character. Riotbreaker ended up doing the finished sprite sets off the original designs, and she did an awesome job of following Cole's reference designs.

Also, unique among the routes, we had the stark contrast between the dreamscape backgrounds (done by Dave Fowler) and the real-world backgrounds (done by Herk Lapaduza, who's done work on a couple other volumes both released and unreleased!). The dreamscape in particular was very much an exercise in "have fun with it!" to the artist, and the result was a delightfully surreal experience to contrast with the much more grounded style of the other backgrounds.

Lastly, our VAs for this route really helped sell their characters' unique personalities. Valentine was my choice to play Marvus from before we even started this game (there's an interesting story there - before FS2 was a thing I was going to do a fan dub of my Delightful Abattoir Hiveswap novel, so some of the voice cast comes from that!), and Miranda, Jason and Vyn did an amazing job with Akhnai, Barzum/Baizli, and Chahut.

[moe-broey]

OKAY. I AM GOING TO DROP A NOTE. BOOK 4 MOE LORE. Only one part of it, because initially I didn't even think to explore Moe's side of things (in Alfonse's body, follows the canon story ect ect) Until. Something Clicked. And ohhhhhh Moe has PROBLEMS.... okay 👍

I am trapping it under a cut for its crimes.

[This note starts off by talking about a separate note where I jotted down the sequence of events rough-style -- these are the Thoughts behind it]

Like I think you COULD completely break Alfonse's spirit and reduce him to tears and desperation. But there's a Distinguishing Factor. When it comes to the Moefonse twist, to Moe in his body. Moe just has prey animal neurosis and its number 1 stress response is feeling overwhelmingly like it's going to fucking Die.

/

ALSO SO FUCKED UP. SO FUCKED UP. THAT THIS IS THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION TO MOE'S ENTIRE CHARACTER. THAT IT WOULD ALL COME TO THIS. PERFECTLY ENCAPSULATED BY THE BOOK 4 TWIST.

That Moe, as it's gotten to know, trust, and admire Alfonse, it begins seeing him as the Framework for Being A Person. Despite Knowing Better -- Moe is someone who, when in doubt, becomes a mirror. To reflect whatever it is Moe thinks you want to see, or -- to reflect what it's observed to have "worked". Add a layer of Alfonse becoming something of a mentor to it, and Alfonse having a lot of traits that Moe Envies. Like. Like. It Knows Better. It sees the pitfalls of those traits, how they don't always serve Alfonse, how sometimes they make things worse. But Alfonse is everything Moe Tried to be, and then some. Alfonse is everything Moe could never be. Alfonse has something Moe doesn't. It admires him, it resents him, it envies him.

Alfonse is also a reflection of what Moe Wished it had. What it should have had. What was taken from it. In a lot of ways, Sharena is this, too. Sharena is everything that Moe could never be. She has things Moe can never have. But the feelings... are so different, there. There's grief. It's painful to look in the eye. Above all else, it wants a happy life for her. Moe is always so, so afraid. Of getting in the way of that, somehow.

Which leads to that moment. Of despair. Moe, already falling apart, asks itself What Would Alfonse Do? If Alfonse were here... what would he do... what choice would he make... what scheme would he concoct... or is the only option, the only way out, is through?

Moe determines, Alfonse is just and logical. He is, devastatingly, self-sacrificial. He's mature, he's reasonable. He would accept his fate with both hands, if it meant that his loved ones would be safe, if there truly was no other option. His own feelings about it, be damned.*

Then Sharena reaches out. Completely shattering any semblance of conviction Moe was constructing, there.

THAT aspect of Moe's character. The part of Moe who is extremely jealous of Sharena. That, she has an older brother who absolutely, undeniably, adores her. Whether she's fully aware of it or not. It's something Moe picked up on, so early on. And has only gotten less normal about, as time went on. But the way it manifests in Moe....

Moe is "self-sacrificial". It's looking for any and every opportunity, to... exile itself. Find new and exciting ways to condemn itself, and to justify it. When Moe is jealous of Sharena, it doesn't ask for Alfonse to exclusively dote on it, and it alone. No. Instead, it begs Alfonse to always choose her. That, gun to his head, if he had to Make a Choice, between her or itself. It will ugly cry begging him to choose her.

THE CLIMAX. THE CLIMAX OF IT ALL. IS

"I can't take him from her."

To accept Alfonse's fate, as Alfonse, is one thing. A horrible, painful, devastating thing. But it will live. It always has. And if it doesn't, eh, it was bound to happen at one point or another. Regardless, Moe is USED to saying Goodbye. Or, closer... Moe is used to leaving, without goodbyes. Wherever life jostles it next, it will find a new place. New people. It will be temporary, but it will make the most of it. Repeat ad nauseam.

But the WAY. THE WAY. It SO intensely projects onto Sharena, to the point of conflict between them (Sharena, at points, having to remind Moe Hey. I love you, I know you love me, but we're different people who want different things and that's okay). That's Moe's Achilles Heel. That's the thing that Almost got Moe stuck in Freyja's nightmare forever.

Jesus Christ, Moe. Can you. Fucking Relax. Dear lord.

*ALSO. THIS. IS FASCINATING ACTUALLY bc this IS entirely Moe's POV, panic mode, grasping for Anything. Also looking for any excuse to self-destruct. But. But. Turn the tables. If it truly WAS Alfonse, faced with accepting the loss of a friend. Well.

[End note]

Another thing to emphasize, maybe, and the best way to do so is with a demonstration...

A conversation with Sharena. Wish I could tell you what it was about! Oh well.

But this does highlight.... whatever the fuck Moe's problem is.

This is what I meant though, when I made the Lyon trope comparison. At one point, Moe becomes deeply emotionally entangled with BOTH siblings, in extremely opposite ways.

(As a side, I think the characterization of Sharena cussing only on special occasions is extremely fun. She is SO intentional about it... for someone who's typically squeaky-clean. Sometimes, if she knows her audience, knows it'll be funny or uniquely validating for that person -- she'll do it! She'll make a POINT of it, use it as the perfect punchline, ect ect!)

/

But. It's important to put all this out there. Especially because I don't know when I'll get to it, in comic form 🧍. Behind the scenes I've been working on a timeline of something else (for funsies!!!), which has actually made me think about the actual timeline of Significant Moe Events. How, A LOT if not All of its character development/arcs/set-ups occur in tandem with and as a direct result of Book 4. Moe's world, inside AND out, has been cracked open. Its connections start to branch out, deepen and grow. Mani is here. It's a fucking NIGHTMARE‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[aspiringwarriorlibrarian]

Hmm...I dunno.

I feel like something that's been bothering me is that I feel like RWBY is as much about questioning the idea of treating life as a fairy tale.

When we hear about Fairy Tales, as is portrayed by RWBY, it's sometimes seen as either a silly fantasy, or as a necessary morality tale, or as a righteous path to be followed.

Or in the case of Ozma, a means to try to piece together and frame his life and the neverending misery he's in.

But the point about RWBY I've come to the conclusion about is that it's a story that actively questions why we treat people's stories as a fairy tale AT ALL.

Not every story should be so black and white, or at the least it shouldn't be treated so black and white. And it feels like the story is going out of it's way to question why we're so keen on shoving the story into the narratively black and white moral framework of a fairy tale, when it's plainly clear that life isn't a fairy tale at all.

Life is consistently portrayed as messy, complicated, where people can take the wrong meanings from other people's stories, or find inspiration in ways that can be seen by others as overlooking the complicated nature of what really happened.

Take Pyrrha. Her mom framed her ultimate sacrifice as something positive, that she knew what she needed to do and everything.

But the actual Pyrrha was a complicated mess of a person who was put into a terrible situation where there wasn't really a good answer at all. It was no fairy tale, but a tragedy where the moral wasn't straightforward, if it existed at all.

Fairy Tales boil things down to easy morality tales with good and bad examples, while often times conflating or removing the nuances of the situation entirely.

I dunno if I'm doing a good job explaining this or not.

With that in mind, reducing Neo's situation (and arguably even Salem and Cinders' situation) to being a bog-standard "they will be proven completely wrong and used as the bad example in a fairy tale" situation doesn't sit right with me. Because I think the actual situation is going to be substantially more complex than we give it credit for.

Oh it's definitely going to be more complex. It's Neo herself who will simplify it, because that's what she's always done. She took the entire millennia long battle between Salem and Ozma and turned it into her personal revenge story. She repeatedly refuses to consider other people as their own agents and not supporting characters to her protagonist. So of course she's going to decide she's The Hero and ironically condemn herself to the role of minor villain. It's what she's always done.

And while RWBY is more complicated than fairy tales, it is not a stranger to bad examples. Pyrrha dying because she went off on her own, Ironwood dying because he tried to hold up Atlas alone, Ozma dying over and over and over because he wouldn't trust people. The moral of how dangerous it is to see yourself as a lone hero is repeatedly stressed. And I highly doubt Neo is going to break the streak, especially since she's effectively used her Semblance to become her own friends and cut off everyone else. Her character arc and the tone of the story don't support her suddenly getting to cheat her way past the character development the tree demands.

[knifearo]

how did you realize that you were aro? I’m thinking about using greyromantic but I’m still not sure

i have already answered a version of this here! very gently placing that into your hands and then proceeding to write out a whole other answer anyway haha

in complete and total honesty. i was thirteen and i saw a definition of asexual in the "love" edition of teen vogue and i went "oh THAT'S what it is???" and i've been asexual ever since... for real though i found that definition and went looking further into things online and i don't know if it was because ace + aro discussions are so intertwined or because when i went "oh, i have no sexual attraction" i really went "oh, i have no attraction", but for me, asexuality and aromanticism were very intertwined, and once i knew that i wasn't feeling one it just kind of like. went for granted that i wasn't feeling the other one. i took the package deal. the combo, if you will.

while i was still deciding if that was the label i wanted to use (i thought of it as trying to figure out "what i was" but i find that framework to be,,, unhelpful? i will explain further later) what really helped me was going online and reading other aspec people's experiences, so you're on the right track already! squishes were a big thing for me: i read someone talking about those and immediately thought of my friend who i had been VERY proccupied with and had not had an explanation for it or the words to describe it (and i still don't, honestly. anyone with a good explanation of how a squish feels feel free to weigh in). from the asexuality side of things it was seeing someone talk about realizing that sexual attraction wasn't a huge inside joke and going "wait, it's NOT?" which was. silly. but also a very clear sign. sjkgfhd.

one thing that makes it difficult is that no alloro person i've ever met can actually give you a good description of what romantic attraction is. i'm realizing now that i'm silly and should just have been asking alloaces (feel free to say stuff in the notes! will also make a post asking around in a sec once i post this) but i will say that if you are frequently thinking about maybe being aspec it's typically a good indicator that you're not having an experience that alloro people have. they tend to be very confident about this sort of thing because they are. experiencing the romantic attraction.

i am going to direct you also to this post about using labels as labels, not as immutable states of being. if describing yourself as greyro would be helpful to your own internal journey or helpful in describing your experience to other people, use it! if it's not, don't feel pressured to use that label, or any label at all. you are a person with a unique experience and it's going to be hard. luckily all these words are made up and we can use them however we want or need :)

greyromantic is also an AWESOME term because it's already built in with caveats. i know a lot of people feel stressed about like. "committing" to the label of aromantic because what if they do feel it. but even if you couldn't stop using a label anytime it stopped feeling right, grey-aspec labels are wonderful because they acknowledge that the experience is variable and. y'know. not black or white. so even if you're stressed out about getting it wrong (which you don't need to be), greyro has you covered :)

ultimately my stance is always that if a label is going to be a positive thing for you then you should use it. you're allowed to be wrong about it. you're allowed to change it. and i know it can be hard to convince yourself of that so! if you're having trouble with that, i give you permission to use greyromantic (or any aspec label) for as long as you want or need it. go forth and be aro my friend <2

[mlobsters]

one person's messy relationship to asexuality, relationships, sex and fandom

i saw a post the other day talking about how whenever the topic of asexual folks not having sex comes up, people will chime in that ace people can/do have sex sometimes too and that's okay! and basically how it adds nothing/takes away from the conversation. which, i mean, both things are true.

there's so much deep misunderstanding of what being asexual is and means. take myself, an ace person, i had no clue what being asexual meant until the past handful of years. at my big age of 40+. i'd seen some posts by cody daigle-orians, ace dad advice (tiktok, they have a book out now too and another on the way! i am ace), and things started churning in my mind. i read some simple definitions in a healthline article and it's like a lightbulb went off.

What Does It Mean to be Asexual - Healthline

Libido. Also known as your “sex drive,” libido involves wanting to have sex and experience sexual pleasure and sexual release. For some people, it might feel a little like wanting to scratch an itch.

Sexual desire. This refers to the desire to have sex, whether it’s for pleasure, a personal connection, conception, or something else.

Sexual attraction. This involves finding someone sexually appealing and wanting to have sex with them.

i realized i'd never experienced sexual attraction, and in fact had a complete misunderstanding of what sexual attraction even was. i was conflating my libido and sexual desire with attraction. similar to being agender and having aphantasia, i think it can be difficult to conceptualize something you've never experienced. whenever you hear people talking about things, you're trying to fit it within the framework of what you experience and how you understand the world works, to realize they are experiencing the world in a fundamentally different way you didn't know existed. it might seem absurd but i remember being around women talking about how they were looking forward to a movie because it meant some dude's ass would be out. and inside my head i was just like, really?? ....huh. (i said it was absurd.)

sex has been a large source of conflict and stress in the past 20 years of my life. so i guess this is that story.

i don't know how old i was, but some time in my early teens, i figured out women's bodies were what turned my crank. i had romantic crushes on boys at school, but thinking about girls got me going. but no one specific, never anyone specific. to this day, never anyone specific. this would be an important detail i didn't connect until much later. so i knew i was bi from early on, but it was the 90s and being out just wasn't really happening in school where i lived. i got into a serious, and abusive, relationship with a boy when i was 17 and that lasted 11 years. i was interested in sex, i had a lot of sex with him at the beginning. over time, i didn't want to have sex anymore.

i've always been conflict avoidant, and being with someone who picked a fight with me nearly every day for years made it so much worse. i didn't feel like i could say no. i looked forward to my period because then i had an excuse to not have sex. i briefly was in therapy, never mentioned the abuse or a whole host of other things but i did tell the therapist about not wanting to have sex with my then-spouse. she told me "use it or lose it", that the less sex i had, the less i'd want it. so have more sex and you'll want it again. that poisonous bit of advice stuck with me a long time. i didn't believe it, but i didn't not-believe it either. i didn't stay with that therapist more than the whatever number of allotted weeks insurance would pay for. years later, i asked for a divorce and left that relationship.

i got into other relationships, and sex again was that shortcut to intimacy/attention/affection and it was good. but then at some point, again, i didn't want to have sex. i was married, i had kids. i seriously thought it was part of my responsibilities of being married. like, spousal obligation. i knew when it had been too long and i needed to step up. go search on the internet "don't want to have sex with spouse" and basically the vast majority of advice will say sex is essential to the relationship and sometimes you have to compromise.

but i didn't want to, and i hated having to. why is it that i always have to compromise in a way where i'm losing bodily autonomy? my body is mine except once a week because i have to do this for the better of the relationship? this obviously was a big source of stress for me, and my partner could tell things weren't right. i avoided physical affection because i didn't want it to be confused with interest in sex.

i've spent a long time feeling guilty about not knowing i was ace. that i got into relationships and then flipped the script when i didn't want to have sex anymore. like i'd inadvertently done a bait and switch. i've been trying to pick apart what changed, why it changed, etc for years. ultimately, sex was a shortcut to affection and undivided attention. and if my libido and desire for sex was lining up, it worked. until it didn't. maybe six months before i was really sure, my spouse asked if i was ace. i thought i was somewhere in the spectrum maybe but i didn't know. and then things clicked and i got it. i was honest with the fact that i didn't want to have sex, i hadn't wanted to have sex for years, and as far as i could tell i could be fine with never having sex again. i didn't want to be "fixed", i didn't want therapy, or hormone checks to see if there was something "wrong" with me. i still have a moderate libido, i just don't want sex with someone else. i still struggle with some guilt over that last bit.

there was some inner turmoil over whether it was the years of baggage, of having sex that was vaguely consensual but also clearly unwanted, if that's what "caused" my loss of interest in sex. that the inability to say what i wanted from the abuse trickled down to other relationships. maybe if i'd figured out what was happening in my 20s, i'd be less rigid about no sex when i understood i could say no. i slowly came to accept that it didn't matter. what matters is where i am now.

all that said, let me wrap up a bit with how this all intersects with media and fandom. sex scenes, especially with my faves, in visual media often weirds me out (not always, and it's not terribly clear to me when it does or doesn't, but also not sure it matters.) and there again, there's been a trend of less sex scenes in movies etc, and i don't think that's a good thing either. just because it sometimes makes me very uncomfortable, i don't think they shouldn't exist. i just often don't want to see it. but i can skip it or look the other way or whatever. that is my problem, not everyone else's who does want to see it.

and nowadays the only time i feel much turmoil is within fandom spaces. being horny on main for your faves is normal and expected and i don't begrudge anyone that. especially with how puritanical some fan spaces have become and the nonsensical moralizing over shipping. i'm a wincest shipper, i read plenty of pearl clutching fic on the daily. but there's some internal weirdness for me seeing people being horny on main about their faves. please go ahead, but i don't want to see it. but i absolutely also do not want to unfollow people because of it, but it's also not something i can filter on.

so i try to get a feeling of the type of posts people might be getting up in their horny feelings in the tags and i scroll past without reading. people being horny for their faves and writing some explicit fic about it, sign me up. it's a step removed from anyone i know and i can just sort of, live vicariously through the characters experiencing things i don't experience. but there's something very different in my mind when it's a person talking about it on tumblr or twitter or whatever. it doesn't make sense and i get irritated with myself over it pretty regularly, and it adds to feelings of isolation.

i already have a lot of unpopular opinions about my current fixation, just add this to the pile of things i am alone in feeling. which is terribly dramatic and ridiculous, but it is what it is. and my anxiety+social anxiety+depression make this whole cocktail more potent. i'm always trying to find a way to let these things roll off my back. it's a work in progress.

so i think the point of this all is that it's hard talking about asexuality in general terms because the spectrum of feelings and experiences and relationships to intimacy is vast. and as asexual people, we're often combating some very base level misunderstandings from the public at large - that being ace isn't about not being interested in sex. it may involve that, but it's not what the literal definition is. so this is just one person's very messy relationship to asexuality.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[ananxiousman]

I am angry.

And you know what?

That’s okay.

I feel stressed

I feel let down

I feel disappointed

I feel frustrated

I feel like communication is futile

I feel like my requests are too big

Or too complicated

Or not articulated well enough

I feel like my heart is expressing its needs clearly

And those needs are met with the needs of others

I feel overwhelmed

I feel unsafe when I am angry

Because I feel people who look like me have no safe spaces in which to be angry

People who look like me have hurt so many people throughout history out of anger

That it’s no longer safe

At least no longer feels accepted

For me to express anger

Even though it’s healthy sometimes

To tell a partner when you’re angry with them, and maybe the anger doesn’t make sense, but you feel it and want it to be heard

Maybe that’s anger asking me to be a friend to it

Maybe that’s anger asking me to ignore my peaceful thoughts

Maybe that’s anger tricking me into thinking anger is more okay to express than it is?

I don’t know.

Because there is little framework for people who look like me to know what healthy, acceptable anger is - and is not

Both because of my angry, hateful lookalikes

And because of the people those lookalikes have victimized

When they see someone who looks like the angry people that have hurt them, and they sense an equal measure of anger and uncertainty

People who look like me become targets for their righteous anger

They have every reason to be hurt

And so they wish to get their just-desserts

And since I am usually calm and reserved, when my anger shows, I am a target because I’m softer seeming than those that have hurt them initially

I ask

What is that softness you see?

If you paid attention to it, would you be more trusting of me?

Would you see that outside I am big and appear privileged

But inside I am insecure, tiny and downtrodden

I feel the same as you

Yet you don’t know

Because you think you understand what it means for someone who looks as big, as white, and as imposing as me to be upset

While our outward appearances change the way (some) people treat us as humans

It does not change the software and hard drive I was given

It’s the same as yours, with some minor experiential differences for ~zest~

So I ask, next time you see a large angry man, if he isn’t actively harming anyone, would you consider giving him a hug?

Consider being his open ear for a moment?

Consider asking questions about who they are and what they’ve overcome to get here?

Just some thoughts.

And please

Please don’t yell at us if we haven’t yelled at you.

Odds are, if we haven’t, we learned not to long ago and likely went a little overboard in concealing our feelings because of it.

Let’s not forget

Society equally expects and resents large men’s anger

I am often treated like I’m angry in a situation which people expect me to be

Even if I’m simply quiet and I actually feel like crying

Anytime the outside world treats someone like they understand their inside world, it has a profound impact

And so this may result in people giving us a wide berth, ignoring us, being standoffish and defensive, or simply looking confused. It’s made worse when someone asks, ‘Are you angry?’

How do you feel when someone misreads your emotions and treats you in a way that exacerbates the situation?

When this happens to someone repeatedly, it creates an emotional synesthesia of sorts

Sadness becomes - anger

Confusion becomes - anger

Frustration becomes - anger/rage

Loneliness? You guessed it, Anger.

As you might imagine, this creates some serious complications in the realm of healing and development.

So I implore you, find ways to get curious about your local Big Man’s mental health. They’re likely much softer and more loving than you pictured, and will appreciate a kind ear to confide in.

Let’s stop the anger

And spread the love

[itsu-saragi]

Devlog #3 - Revisions and Indecisions.

Sjdjfdhs hi. Apologies for letting the “see you in a month” turn into several months. Work got busy, then I caught Covid, after recovering I went on vacation, and then work got busy again… But I did work on this VN all throughout.

I didn’t make as much progress as I wanted, but some progress was made nevertheless.

So what exactly did I do? Let me count the ways.

Story Revisions

Changed the premise from magic academia to magic uhhh small business? Workshop? Something like that, I'm not sure what to call it.

My original story followed the player character and their love interest as they explored their university campus. This came to be because I was tinkering with the concepts of "group partners to lovers" & showing the player character as non-humanoid to allow for reader-insert and immersion, like the Obey Me games and the pink sheep MC. But the story stopped being appealing to me, plus the scope started to become bigger than I had anticipated. Multiple CGs in different locations across a giant campus? Yeah that's a nightmare to draw.

I'd still like to explore the idea of a non-humanoid MC though, so maybe that'll be a future game, or at least another brain dump post!

But anyway, I shrunk the premise. One store, one LI, and the customers that enter the little workshop. I'm still sticking to the idea of mundane modern fantasy though.

Because of the location change from university to workshop, I've had to revise the LI a lot. He's shaping up really well though! His name is Fen, I hope I can introduce him here sometime soon.

Building Frameworks

I'm not sure what to call it, so for now I'm calling it frameworks.

Basically, instead of tackling each aspect of the game separately from drafts to completion (ex: drawing all sprites right now and then moving on to writing the script), I want to create rough versions of everything.

I think this will help me because then I'll have an idea of how much work each aspect will entail, and I can hopefully spot and remedy any holes or glaring skill issues.

This is especially important for coding. I'll be using RenPy, the classic engine for visual novels, but I have very little coding experience. I'd like to gain some before I start creating the writing and assets meant to be incorporated into the platform.

By creating the framework (or I guess prototype is the better word in this case), I'll get some understanding of how RenPy works and once I have the assets complete I can insert those in.

For plot frameworks, I'm trying not to go into too much detail. Lots of bullet points cause I fuck with those.

For character frameworks, I must admit I'm putting a lot of thought and detail into Fen, but I think I should as he's the core of this game. I'm reminding myself though that much of him can still be altered if the story requires it.

There's definitely more frameworks I need to think about, like sprites, backgrounds, and music too.

But to sum it up, I'd like to create a rough draft of the entire game, and then only afterward do I start going in and changing details and adding colors to the big picture. I hope that makes sense.

Next Step: Character & Coding Frameworks

For the rest of April and probably the entirety of May as well, I'll focus on fleshing out Fen and putting together the coding framework.

I think figuring out Fen's character arc will help me get an idea of the overall story, which is incredibly daunting yet exciting lol

I'm not planning on making the coding look pretty, I just want to make something that functions. I have no clue how well that will go so please pray for me or something.

Personal Thoughts: I am Afraid

I think the reason why I didn't make a lot of progress is because lately, I've been afraid of doing so. I've never made a game before, or written an original story. I don't know what I'm doing, and instead of directly addressing things I've kept working around them. And because I haven't made much progress, it stresses me out. And then that stress makes me do less work.

Hellooo feedback loop.

I'm an indecisive person who likes to look for the right or most optimal answer. But in a creative project like this, it's hard to know what the "right" answer is cause it can be subjective.

I'm trying to remind myself to enjoy the process and to take small steps, and everything is still changeable as I'm still in the beginning stages. It's hard, but as I'm writing this update I think I'm feeling better.

I'm sure this gamedev journey will be me enjoying the ride and then immediately hating it, so for anyone reading: thank you for your patience. I appreciate you.

I'm going to try and post an update, no matter how small it is, once a month. So. Cheers to me being able to post this in April.

I'm still trying to figure out what to post and how to get my thoughts across. I've never done anything like this before, so please bear with me. If you have any feedback, please feel free to share!

And again, thank you to whoever's reading this. I hope you have a great timezone :)

[infjtarot]

4 of Pentacles ~ Bachus Tarot

  The Four of Coins is security. But security is often won by shutting out freedom, and that is the trade-off that this card asks you to consider. The figure can appear to be a little paranoid, clinging to all of his possessions in fear that they will be taken away. But it can also be interpreted as having a sense of order and control over one’s belongings. How you respond to the Four of Coins card depends a great deal on how you work and what your personality is like. It’s a card that can make one person smile and the next person groan. If you are a person who needs structure and limitations—some sort of outside stress—in order to do your best work, you’ll see the Four of Coins as a positive card. When Eleanor Catton began work on her Man Booker Prize–winning novel The Luminaries, she immediately went about putting very tight restrictions on her work. By setting her novel in a specific time and place, and creating an astrological chart for each character, her freedom to do whatever she liked with these men and women was suddenly very restricted: the characters could behave behave only in the way that their natal charts, and the movements of the planets at that time, allowed. The Four of Coins is a tight fit. Its rigidity means there is not a lot of room to maneuver; you have to stay within the lines. For Catton, paradoxically, she found the limitations freeing. The internal logic of the work was planned out in advance thanks to the planetary transits of the novel’s time; she just had to elaborate on the details. Many other writers have worked within similarly strict frameworks, like James Joyce fleshing out Ulysses on top of The Odyssey’s bones—Joyce’s book uses the structure of The Odyssey to plot out the journey of his own characters, so that every action corresponds to a moment in the original epic poem. By knowing the limitations, the writer can know what doesn’t belong in the story, which is sometimes just as helpful as knowing what does. If you are a more intuitive creator, however, the Four of Coins can feel oppressive. Some would rather die than work from an outline, and picking a card that says “You need to hem things in a bit” would be as panic-inducing as a letter from the IRS. But with the Four of Coins, you need to ask yourself if you’re being too restrictive; if your project is configured too tightly. Because if you are relying too heavily on structure, if you’re sacrificing style or spontaneity, it can feel as stale as a room with the windows and doors all shut tightly. RECOMMENDED MATERIALS The Luminaries, book by Eleanor Catton The Dream Songs, book of poetry by John Berryman Anthropology: 101 True Love Stories, book by Dan Rhodes The Creative Tarot. Jessa Crispin

[weirdcultstuff]

“Debriefs” after a mission trip are basically damage control. Specifically for the damage that comes from pushing people beyond their physical and mental limits.

It’s bringing a bunch of usually traumatized missionaries into an environment that finally feels stable and safe. After months of honestly sometimes inhumane deprivation, you finally give them food, and coffee, and water, medical attention, air conditioning and heaters, soft chairs, clean clothes. Let them cry, finally. Listen to their stories and let them unload all the stress that comes with being under that kind of insane pressure in unfamiliar situations. Encourage them to talk about the difficult things, their doubts and fears and traumas and sicknesses and how relationships and psyches have cracked under the stress .

And then

Then you do damage control. You repeat everything they’re saying back to them, in a way that tells them all the hard stuff was positive, purifying, noble. You define their doubts and fears and regrets as weaknesses, struggles, feelings they can work on getting rid of-and reassure that they have our support while they do!

You put quick bandages on the strained marriages. Yeah, he wasn’t present for the delivery of their first child, but he was out doing the LORD’s work and now they have two months to spend together as a family and he doesn’t even have to go to work for that time because he’s still on church support!

Debrief is a place where you try to get them to say all the things you don’t want them to say later. Their arguments with each other, whatever grudges they held against the injustices of the mission board, the culture shock, the racism, the sicknesses and deaths, all the trauma. Get it out of their systems. Figure out who would have the most damaging things to say, and make sure they’re soothed or reassigned or sent on a retreat with people who can keep a close eye on them.

And honestly? If I hadn’t had Debriefs after my mission work, I would have really cracked. Like, I had a rough time as it was, but debrief was a huge huge psychological help. It made the ludicrous make sense. Gave me a framework. Gave me three days to sort of numbly feel for my emotions, to eat full sized meals, to rest my bones.

Debriefs, at least the ones I went to and the ones I later organized, were manipulative af. But I know someone who just missed their debrief after a six month mission trip and when I heard that I felt panic and so much sadness and compassion.

For people with no access to therapy, I still think debrief after missions is essential. I mean, it’s manipulative and it’s broken and the counselors usually aren’t that qualified and missionarying is a problem in its own right, but how the fuck do you just go back to normal life after something like that with no debrief???? You can’t. You can’t. You will have lasting psychological damage, and you will be in a shitload of pain for a long time. Fucked up.

I am so angry that the mission board responsible for this person didn’t ensure they had a debrief. I know this work, I used to organize these things. How could they drop the ball like that??

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Do you have any autistic Scout headcanons? :P

Hell yeah!

I’ve actually thought about this a lot. A lot of people might think that Scout has ADHD, but I think he either has both ADHD and autism or just autism.

This is both because labeling Scout as having just ADHD is kind of a low-hanging fruit, and I also want to explore his symptoms a little more. So, in a word, I do, and thank you for asking about them!

*****************

Scout’s Spectrum:

So, where exactly does Scout fall on the autism spectrum?

First of all, he probably has both ADHD and autism, but wasn’t diagnosed with the latter until much later. This means that some of his symptoms were taken into account, but not all.

The ones that were paid attention to ramped up out of control, and the ones he didn’t hear about were stuffed away.

His ADHD symptoms include impulsiveness, need for stimulation, hyperfixations, forgetfulness, and insomnia; his autism symptoms include trouble with social skills, stimming, near inability to remember names and faces, lack of eye contact, hyperfixations again, and sensory processing issues, especially with noise and touch.

He used to have a lot of meltdowns when he was younger, usually about wearing new clothes and the amount of noise his eight brothers generated.

However, he was teased and pushed into masking nearly all the time, and made his whole personality about his ADHD, since that was what everyone accepted.

As he got older, he usually wrote off any autistic tendencies as either his ADHD or just “little habits” of his.

During his middle school years, he used energy drinks to bounce back from being exhausted every day after school. This would work, except those energy drinks would upset his ADHD, and would make it much harder to focus on even basic conversation.

After a while, he got such bad grades and had such a hard time making friends that Scout just stopped going to school altogether.

Baseball helped his focus, and the quick movement and thinking made a lot of sense to him. He never had to wait very long for the next development, and the instant gratification and community it provided supplemented what he never got at school.

With sports on his side, he rarely ever drank any energy drinks (the coach would never let them on the field), and he drank bucketfuls of water during every meet and game. Those teenage years were probably the healthiest he ever was.

However, with the amount of rumbles he got into with his brothers, and the turf wars that constantly raged in those neighborhoods, it was only a matter of time before his crime caught up with him.

After his first incarceration, he was booted from the team, which led to a downward spiral of unhealthy coping mechanisms - which included fighting someone tooth and nail whenever he could.

Even if he lost the fight, it not only catered to his impulsive nature and impatience, but also gave him roughly the same sense of friendship and camaraderie that baseball had.

One thing led to another, and by the time Mann Co. found him, Scout was a monster in hand to hand (and bat to bat) and had racked up quite the criminal record.

A perfect mercenary, ripe for the picking.

On The Team:

Scout very quickly adopted the “stupid, scrappy Boston boy” persona.

It was the only thing that made sense, and it kept him from having to try too hard in both the battlefield and socially.

Besides, that meant that he could be as silly, forgetful, and fidgety as he wanted, and no one would bat an eye.

And if he ever needed to take a break from the team, he figured everyone would appreciate the quiet.

The only thing that ever gave him away was him occasionally dissociating right when battle began, especially if the day had been stressful.

It was usually how he calmed down after a fight when he was young, but now he sometimes slid into that state when he was overwhelmed.

However, a yell from one of his teammates would usually snap him out of it.

Medic noticed this pretty early on, and wanted to look more into it, but Scout would keep making excuses not to get a mental examination.

He would blame it on zoning out, being tired, drinking too many Bonks - whatever it took for people to stop asking.

And, eventually, they did.

Even Medic stopped asking after a while - he couldn’t get a thing out of Scout.

This “try so little that when you do try it’s above average” charade worked for a long time. In fact, it went on for so long that Scout forgot how much he was actually capable of.

He began to internalize the stupidity, the exacerbation, the many comments on how dumb he was, everything.

The only time he ever gave his all was on the battlefield - moving fast, memorizing strategies, doing complicated footwork, knowing exactly how much force it took to crush someone’s skull with his bat.

That was one of the only things that he felt good doing, the only thing he could really work on without him being “found out.”

That and drawing, though he never showed the actual pieces to anyone. It was all stick figures and crooked lines with everyone else.

Sometimes, though, Scout wouldn’t be paying attention and he’d let something slip.

One time, Engineer was looking for his screwdriver, and couldn’t seem to find it anywhere.

Scout, not looking up from his comic, said, “Under the couch cushion, hard hat.”

Engineer bent down and reached into the couch, and his hand came back with his red and yellow striped screwdriver.

“Well I’ll be damned…”

At first Engineer thought Scout had just hid it, but Scout explained, still not paying attention:

“Last time we went out on th’ field, you had it on your belt, like always. But I was walkin’ by your workshop, you were usin’ a quarter to tighten a screw or somethin’. Your screwdriver had to be somewhere between the battlefield and your workshop. Engie, you’re like freakin’ clockwork. Every day, after a fight, you go to the kitchen, get a water, go to that couch, between the second and third cushion from the left, and sit there. Then ya go back to the fridge to get lunch and a beer, and ya go to your workshop until somebody needs you for somethin’. Your back loop in your tool belt is looser than all the others, ‘cause the screwdriver pulls against it when you sit down. The shank was probably in between the two cushions, and when you got up, it fell in. Demo, Pyro, and Heavy all sit on the second or third cushion at some point, so it got shimmied down. And since that’s the only time you sat down, ‘cause you woulda heard it if it dropped on the floor, and I…uh…”

“I’ll be damned,” Engie repeated, and felt the back tool belt loop. It was indeed loose.

Scout finally looked up, and realized what had happened.

“Uh, uh - l-lucky guess, huh Engie?”

Engineer squinted behind his goggles. “Yeah…real lucky…”

What ensued was Engie trying to get Scout to turn into a B.L.U Spy by chasing him around with his wrench. After a few good hits, though, Engineer saw that it was the teammate he knew and loved.

“But…how didja…?”

Scout threw his hand up, the other rubbing the back of his head where he’d been hit.

“I toldja Engie! Lucky guess! Jesus!”

Ever since then, Scout chose his words more carefully.

The Breakdown:

But, unfortunately, Scout could not pretend forever.

There was one week where Scout’s assignment count was so high that, if he wasn’t in a fight, he was on a mission.

Usually, Pauling wouldn’t trust him with so much, but no one else was available - or willing - to do the jobs.

Even when she was getting concerned about the amount of hours Scout was putting in, he blew it off.

“It’s no sweat, Miss Pauling! Their practically givin’ me the pay day. Those yahoos don’t know who they’re messin’ with.”

Over time, though, Scout had a harder and harder time staying focused and alert.

He’d sleep through alarms, stare off into space, zone out completely during briefing (not that he didn’t already do that), have a hard time hearing people in battle - even through his headset - ignore Spy’s taunts, and even forget to bring his bat onto the field.

Nothing seemed to help - Bonk!, warming up, stretching, cold showers, setting reminders, nothing.

And the team was starting to notice.

At first it was with the regular frustration - maybe Scout was just being lazy.

But as time went on, and his condition grew worse, their scorn turned into worry. They implored Medic to do something, but he had no way of getting through to Scout.

The doctor wasn’t above simply sedating him and dragging him into his lab for a check-up. However, he had a feeling that this was more than a physical issue.

The worst came when Scout was doing a routine battle with the B.L.U team on the field.

Everything had started out okay - he even remembered to bring his bad this time - but suddenly, everything was ear-splittingly loud.

He couldn’t focus on more than one sound at once, much less communicate the best course of action to his teammates.

He ended up hiding in a dilapidated shed, in a dusty, dark corner, somewhere between zoning out and panicking.

Scout’s head was in his knees, he was shaking, close to crying, when a sudden splitting of wood roused him.

A B.L.U Soldier had kicked his way into the shed, either having heard Scout or to hide from the other team.

Scout was stunned at first, but something of a blind terror filled him. He picked up his bat, screamed, and started pummeling the surprised Soldier.

At some point, he threw aside his bat and began to swing punch after punch, just like he did in his gang days when he had felt overwhelmed. Still screaming. Still crying.

By the time Scout had dissolved into a rocking, sobbing mess, the Soldier was long dead, with a gigantic pool of blood staining Scout’s shoes.

No one even knew where Scout was until a few hours later, when Spy heard a faint note of “Sexbomb” coming from Scout’s Walkman.

Scout had crawled into the shed’s framework, between the outer and inner wall, and was playing a specific verse over and over and over again, looking like he was on another plane of existence.

Spy immediately called for Medic, who had to lift Scout out by the underarms through a jagged hole in the side of the building. By then, the fight was over, so they could take him directly to the lab.

Medic’s Evaluation:

“I’m guessing zhis is your first mental breakdown?”

“Mental…doc, I ain’t crazy. Wait, you’re not goin’ to put me in a straight jacket, are ya?”

“If you’re not doing anyzhing later.”

Medic started to laugh, but quickly realized this might not be the time.

“No, Scout, everyvun has a mental breakdown at least vunce in their lives. It’s a…how do you say…a vake-up call of sorts. Vhen your body has no other options left.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“For zhe past few months, you health, both physical and mental, has been deteriorating. You eat less. You talk less. Your attacks are lackluster. You have bags under your eyes. You flinch vhen somevun yells for you. You stare off into space. Your routine, vhich usually has at least some changes, has become stringent, as if you can’t possibly expend any more energy into extra activities. You have avoided Demoman on zhe battlefield, even though you usually use him for cover.”

Medic flipped through his notes.

“I have pages and pages of your decline. However, as a scientist, I believe it is caused by zhe same source. And, though I usually respect my patient’s right to privacy vhen it comes to these sorts of matters, I believe you’ve been keeping something from me. Something that I should know as your general practitioner…your doctor.”

Scout shrugged, already shutting out the conversation.

Medic sighed.

“Maybe I tried to talk to you about zhis too soon. After all, you’ve just had a very sudden and exhausting episode. But…perhaps…”

Medic took a sheet of printer paper from his clipboard and a spare pen from his pocket.

“…zhere is an alternative.”

Scout was still unresponsive, but Medic continued.

“Zhere is a patient in my vaiting room vis a metal pole through the chest. It vill take me at least an hour to properly remove it, and a few minutes more to heal zhe area. Vhile I do zhat, vhy don’t you draw how you feel?”

Medic smiled.

“I know how much it grounds you.”

It wasn’t until Medic left that Scout actually picked up the pen, but he began drawing immediately.

For the first time in a while, he wasn’t trying to hide his strokes or scratch up the cleaner lines. No more stick figures. No more pretending.

Five minutes later, he was fully engrossed.

Medic started to walk in at one point, but, seeing how relaxed Scout was, decided to give him a few more minutes.

He deserved it.

[whentherewerebicycles]

hello! prepare for a long chatty life update. I went out with friends last night and it was so nice wahh. then I slept nine hours and that was glorious too. turns out this week’s sleep trouble was just my usual pre-period insomnia and not my new magic sleeping meds failing me. phew!!! I took Pip to our new vet this morning for his annual checkup and he was such a sweet boy even through the indignity of many shots. 😭😭 I love my little dog so much. also when Pip sits his front paws point outwards in a way that makes him look like he’s posing, and today the vet techs were like ‘awww how sweet! you know that’s actually a genetic deformity, right?’ I was like ummm excuse me. this is the best dog who has ever lived and he is perfectly formed in every way so think carefully about how you describe his flawless & unique paws please!! anyway he is in excellent health and three different people independently praised him for being so lean & well-conditioned. I can’t wait for fall (and/or to get him to seattle) so we can resume his preferred 70 min walks instead of the 30 min forced marches we are limited to in the summer.

then I came home and started working my way through one of the books I bought on evidence-informed learning design in training contexts. it’s interesting so far! not a lot of new content yet but it’s kind of nice to go back to basics and resolidify my understanding of core concepts/frameworks. I feel like it’s making me a bit sleeeepy though so I might just do an hour each day instead of trying to power through. I have four weeks left before new job starts… I think I just want to read two or three of these fairly dense books so I go into the first month feeling like I have an understanding of how the L&D profession overlaps with/differs from the classroom pedagogy stuff I’m more familiar with. I also want to read more about the history and structure of my government agency so I have at least a rough mental framework to fit first-month new information into. THAT SAID as psyched as I am to get started on a New Project (tackling a new job lol) I need to remind myself to also enjoy this time and try to use it to really fully decompress from the year and job search stress. it’s okay to just let myself enjoy this month of very few responsibilities.

next week I need to reach out to my current boss to let her know that I accepted the position… and I need to do that sooner rather than later because they’re starting to process my security clearance and that involves interviewing my references. I hope she isn’t upset with me for kinda changing gears after we talked last, but I’m also reminding myself that it’s normal to change jobs and that I went above and beyond trying to make things work with them… they didn’t move fast enough to make it feasible for me and it’s okay for me to make decisions that prioritize my own long-term future (because academia sure as hell won’t do that for me!). I can’t decide if I hope the grant funds come through & they let me do it as a part-time position with support staff, or if I hope it doesn’t come through and my energy is just freed up to focus on the new job + creative projects. we will see what the universe decides.

we released the first two episodes of our hockey fandom podcast yesterday and have gotten a nice response so far! I am deep in planning/research mode for future episodes and might spend the rest of the afternoon working on that. I feel like my brain is a little bit too fried still to write short things or fully dive into my new long project (I need a bit more rest/recovery I think) so I’m gonna let myself continue taking a little break from writing and instead focus on building out this other project so it’s up and running by the time the job starts. ooh and I am also going to beta a friend’s fic this weekend—tonight or tomorrow tbd.

okay let’s see. going to drive to target now to pick up a curbside order and then I think I want to lie in bed doing nothing or maybe thinking a bit about podcast planning. I have this idea that if we can create like… a planning structure of some kind? a brainstorming and research template kinda thing? it’ll help organize and streamline our prerecording thinking so we can have deeper conversations in the actual recording session. I like the idea of designing a repeatable learning exercise that will make the planning process more seamless, so if we get really busy with real life stuff we won’t have to expend as much intellectual bandwidth on the prep & planning work each week. idk just something I am kicking around we’ll see. mmkay! if I go to target I will have cherries to eat 😍 so it is time to make the quick drive over.

[maulusque]

Hey d'you know the origins of Quinlan Vos/Fox ship? I keep finding it and I'm curious if it's one of those Fan Things that took off or if they went on an adventure together at some point.

To my knowledge, they have literally never met or even been in close proximity in canon. I remember last, like, April or something @forestgreengirl went full Galaxy Brain and decided that Vox would be a thing and single-handedly paddled that canoe into fandom’s collective consciousness. 

As for why they work so well together, I think it’s partially a matter of feasibility (Fox never leaves Coruscant, the only Jedi who seem to never leave Coruscant are like, really really old, but Quinlan could feasibly spend a lot of time there because he’s a Jedi Superspy and he doesn’t have his own battalion of clones (at least, not in current canon)). Quinlan shows up for his one (1) clone wars arc and seems imminently shippable, but the only clone he interacts with is Cody, and fandom has decided that Obi-Wan has near-exclusive Cody dibs (the other obvious choice is Fandom Bicycle Obi-Wan Kenobi, and there are a fair number of quinlan/obi fics). Most other clones tend to get paired off with their Jedi, but Fox doesn’t have one of those, so he’s single and ready to mingle, so to speak. So it’s partially a case of Pair the Spares.

Also it has to do with personality. Quinlan is, in disney canon, a relaxed, easy-going, hypercompetent, humorous guy who’s also kind of an asshole. Fox has absolutely no canon personality, BUT he certainly has a fandom-assigned personality. Fox’s fandom-personality has changed over time, which was kind of interesting to watch. A while back, Fox was characterized as proud, brash, in-your-face, kind of a slut, cocky, etc. Now, he’s uptight, repressed, extremely stressed and sleep-deprived, cares deeply for literally everyone even though he hides it, slow to trust, doesn’t open up easily, kind of acts like a dick, is really abrasive, and really, really needs a hug.

 I think the change was due to some Fox Discourse that went down where some people reacted to people basically hating on Fox for arresting Ahsoka and wanting his men to shoot to kill when they hunted her down, killing Fives, and serving Darth Vader. There was kind of a tidal wave of posts defending Fox, and at first it was like “Fox was following orders, it wasn’t his fault, and of course he would have his troopers shoot to kill Ahsoka, he thought she was a murderer and he knew she was armed and dangerous, and he killed Fives because he was doing his job and he saw Fives reaching for a gun, that’s not unreasonable even though it is tragic” and then it quickly progressed to “Fox was probably mind-controlled by Palpatine when he killed Fives” and “Fox flinched when Anakin yelled at him to he’s probably used to people hurting him” and all of that resulted in the New Fox Personality, as well as several things that we have zero evidence for in canon but Fandom accepts as Fact:

-all the other clones hate/strongly dislike the Coruscant Guard

-Fox constantly has to forge the chancellor’s signature

-Fox is terrified of Palpatine, and he Knows that he’s Evil

-Palpatine is mind-controlling Fox and Fox has memory gaps where Palpatine takes over

-Fox is ridiculously stressed and sleep-deprived and constantly on the verge of a breakdown

-Fox is constantly abused/yelled at my senators and he hates every single one of them

-Fox tries to keep secret exactly how stressed and fucked up he is

-Fox has between 0 and 1 (one) friends

don’t get me wrong I FUCKING LOVE these Fox tropes it’s just kinda funny how we’ve built this whole narrative framework by wholesale pulling it out of our collective asses (fun fact: Old Fandom Fox had a lip ring, New Fandom Fox has graying hair).

anyway, laid-back, relaxed, funny guy and upright asshole who secretly needs a hug is like, one of the top three ship dynamics in existence so when people saw Quinlan Vos paired with New Personality Fox, they were like “oh that is some GOOD SHIT” and anyway that’s my thoughts on how Vox became a thing thank you for coming to my ted talk

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Out Of Time ~ 114

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 2,310ish

Summary: Where is Y/N?

Notes: Sorry if this chapter sucks. The next one should be longer with more about how Y/N’s dealing with everything.

Previously on Out Of Time…

Y/N woke up, already knowing where she was. Her hand immediately went to her stomach as her eyes replayed the fighting she had witnessed. Her heart beat quickened as she relived those terrible moments. The monitors she was connected to warned the medical staff outside. Helen and her nurses rushed in.

“Y/N,” Helen called. “I need you to breathe.”

“My… I… the baby…” Y/n stammered through the struggle. “Is my baby…. It is okay?”

“You came in sweating and trembling,” Helen explained carefully. “It was obvious to me that you had been struggling to keep food down and that there was blood loss. You were immediately brought into—“

“Just tell me,” Y/N begged, voice small and cracking. “Just get it over with and tell me…”

“I’m sorry, Y/N. The baby was lost due to a miscarriage.”

A sob ripped through Y/N’s throat and out her mouth. She leaned her head back against her pillows and cover her mouth with a hand as tears began to cascade down her cheeks. Her heart began to beat rapidly, causing the monitors around her to freak. 

“Y/N, I need you to calm down,” Helen coaxed. “You’re body has been through a traumatic experience and needs rest. You need to try and calm.” The sobs and strangled breathing only escalated. “I need something to help calm her down. Now!”

A nurse quickly handed Helen a syringe. Helen rushed to insert it into Y/N’s IV. It almost immediately helped, but didn’t put her to sleep.

“I’m going to go inform Tony,” Helen stated. “We’ll be right back.”

Then Y/N was left alone to her thoughts. The blame and the guilt that she was feeling, all for herself. Her baby was lost because of her. Because, if she would have just told Steve and Tony, they might have stopped fighting. If she would have just told them, they wouldn’t have let her anywhere near the stress. If she had just been a little more focused on the health of her baby instead of the chaos around her, her baby still might be safely inside of her.

But instead, she didn’t do any of those things. And she tried to stop things she couldn’t control and saw things she wishes she could unsee. Y/N’s hands rested above her belly as she let the tears flow. Nothing mattered now. How could it? Her family was torn apart. Her child was gone. 

She could feel Tony’s thoughts as he came towards her room. He was feeling all the guilt and blame as well, putting it on himself. Y/N didn’t want him to feel that way, but she had no energy to stop it. There was nothing left inside her to help him feel better, especially when she felt that way too. She quickly decided that she couldn’t be there anymore. She couldn’t face him, watch him slowly turn to hate her because she had killed their child. It would break her more than she was currently broken. 

So, with a deep breath, she focused on the one place that she felt she might be safe for a minute. She ripped off her IV as she opened a portal. Y/N hurried through it the best she could in her weakened state, falling onto the ground on the other side of it. Turning around, she caught a glimpse of the door opening, but the portal was shut before Y/N saw anything else. She curled up on the floor where she was, not caring to look at her surroundings, and let herself go.

~~~

May and Coulson were in a bar. Coulson was reading the newspaper as the news played on a TV above them. While Y/N had been away, their troubles didn’t stop. They now were facing a new threat by the name of Hive, with the face of Grant Ward. He was trying to control all Inhumans and even create them. Hive was currently in control of Daisy.

“Still no word one the whereabout of Steve Rogers after his public feud with Tony Stark and the Avengers over the controversial Sokovia Accords,” the news anchor stated. “Ratified by 117 countries, the Accords place the Avengers under UN authority and provide a framework for the registration and monitoring of all enhanced individuals.”

“We knew this was gonna happen sooner or later,” May said.

“Cap, Agent Carter…” Coulson started, glancing down at the newspaper that held an article on Peggy’s death. “They were my heroes growing up. Both of them were there at the beginning of SHIELD. Now we may be there when it ends.”

“The last thing we need right now is the government hamstringing us with the Accords. We need to stop Hive, by any means necessary.”

“I’ll deal with the government. You do whatever it takes to end this.”

“All options on the table?”

“Desperate times, desperate measures.”

May nodded, glancing back down at the newspaper in Coulson’s hands. There was a picture of Steve, Y/N, Peggy, and Howard with the article.

“Have you heard from her?” May asked, not looking away from the newspaper. “She can’t be taking this well.”

“No,” Coulson sighed. “I haven’t. Which honestly terrifies me.” 

“Y/N can hold her own.”

“Yes, but this is against her family. I can’t imagine her choosing a side.” 

“She didn’t sign. She must have chosen Cap’s.”

“Her not signing doesn’t mean anything. You should no that, you know Y/N.” He glanced down at his wrist watch. “You might want to go out the back. He’s coming in.”

May left out the back as General Talbot entered the bar.

“General Talbot,” Coulson greeted, getting out of his seat. “Right on time.”

“What in the Knievel happened to you?” Talbot wondered, noticing that Coulson was sporting a cane. 

“Little fender bender. No big deal.”

“You sure you should be in the driver’s seat? I thought we agreed on full disclosure.”

“You want to see my x-rays? I’ll put them in a nice frame for ya.”

“I’m talking about this gin joint out in the middle of no man’s land. You promised me you’d show me the base without any three hour fly arounds this time.”

“We need to talk first.” Coulson turned and headed to sit in a booth, Talbot following.

“I’ll talk. You listen… I’m here because the President sent me. The Sokovia Accords are law of the land now. He’s concerned you may have some undocumented enhanced assets working for you.”

“And why would they think that?”

“Cause he’s not a moron. Come on, Phil. It’s time for SHIELD to come in from the cold, relegitimize.”

“In exchange for revealing and registering any Inhumans we may have? Not gonna happen.”

Talbot scoffed. “Why are you so pigheaded? It’s good enough for the Avengers.”

“Not all of them. And the Avengers operate in the spotlight. We work in the shadows.”

“First, how can you even say that? You have an enhanced Avenger on your team.”

“Y/N hasn’t been with SHIELD in months. You know that.”

“Second, what’s going on in those shadows, Phil? That’s what I want to know. You better start opening some doors, or I promise ya, I’m gonna start kicking them down.”

“Alright. Let’s go for a ride.”

“No blindfold?”

“No blindfold, but you might want to buckle up.” Coulson lifted a seat belt from the seat, buckling himself in.

“What?”

Coulson nodded to the bar tender. The bar tender pressed some buttons on the cash register which caused the booth they were seated in to lower into the ground.

~~~

May was walking from requesting that Fitz-Simmons focus on stopping Hive instead of stopping Daisy from breaking in. As she walked, she heard whimpers coming from a side room of the base. She pulled out her gun and slowly made her way into the room. With her gun held up, May turned the corner, surprised to find Y/N laying on the floor.

“Y/N,” she gasped, hurrying to her side. As May turned Y/N to face her, she could tell she was running a fever. “Y/N, look at me.” Y/N’s eyes keeping fluttering, unable to focus on anything, as whimpers left her mouth. “I need to get Simmons. Stay here.”

May knew she needed to be careful with Talbot in the building, but it was obvious Y/N needed medical help ASAP. She rushed to the lab, where Fitz-Simmons was working.

“Simmons,” May called from the doorway, “I need you.”

“What is it?” Simmons asked. “Is someone—“

“Just follow me. And Fitz, I may need you too.”

Fitz and Simmons looked at each other before quickly following May.

“May, what is going—“ Fitz questioned was halted when he saw Y/N on the floor. “Oh my—“

“We need to get her to the lab, now,” Simmons ordered, already taking over. “She needs an IV and to be heavily monitored.”

“Not with Talbot here,” May stated. “We have to find a safer place. Who knows if they’re looking for her, she didn’t sign the Accords.”

“My bedroom it is then. Fitz, I need you to go grab supplies and maybe Mack.”

“On it,” Fitz hurried away with a nod.

“May, help me get her to the room.”

May and Simmons hurried Y/N to Simmons room before May rushed to get Coulson. Fitz came back with Mack and a new Inhuman on the team they called, Yo-Yo.

“What’s going on?” Mack asked.

“I don’t know,” Simmons answered, her and Fitz getting set up. “May found her in a closet.”

“How can we help?”

~~~

May got roped into helping Coulson with Talbot’s tour before she was able to tell him. It was getting on her nerves that she couldn’t get Talbot out of their hair fast enough. They ended up having to tell Talbot the truth about Daisy and Hive on their way to the lab.

“Where’s Simmons?” Coulson asked, looking around. “I need her to talk to Talbot about the Inhumans Hive tried to make.”

“I think she’s in her room, why don’t we go get her,” May suggested. “And the lab techs can start going over the research.”

Coulson looked at May, confused to why they both needed to go. Studying her face, he realized that she was serious. Something was going on that she needed to tell him about, and Talbot couldn’t get involved.

“Right,” Coulson agreed. “Collins.” A lab tech came running over. “Let General Talbot have access to all our research on Hive, start walk him through it while he go get Simmons.”

Coulson and May exited the lab before Talbot could question them.

“What the hell is going on May?” Coulson whispered.

“It’s Y/N,” May answered.

Coulson face grew worried. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. But I found her in a closet, whimpering and burning up.”

“Where is she now?”

“Simmons, Fitz, Mack, and Yo-Yo have her in Simmons’ bedroom.”

“Okay.”

When they entered the bedroom, Coulson took Y/N in. She was under the covers, her hands resting at her sides on top. IV’s and monitors where hooked up to her.

“How is she?” Coulson asked.

Simmons shook her head. “She’s not fully conscious, so I haven’t been able to get anything from her,” she explained. “But it seems that Y/N’s been through a traumatic experience.”

“If she came here then that must mean—”

“I couldn’t…” Y/N interrupted softly. “I couldn’t be there right now…”

“Y/N.” Everyone took a step closer. “What happened?” Before Y/N could answer, Coulson’s phone rang. He looked at it, holding it up for her to see. “It’s Stark. Does he—“

“I can’t,” Y/N shook her head, tears running down her cheeks. “Please don’t.”

“I won’t. But I have to answer or he won’t stop, you know that.” Coulson pressed answer and held the phone up to his ear. “Stark, I really don’t have time for you—“

“Coulson, I need you to be honest with me…” Tony’s worried voice could be heard over the phone throughout the room, causing Y/N to cry more. “Is Y/N with you?”

“I really don’t think that—“

“Is. Y/N. With. You?”

Coulson paused with a sigh. He looked at Y/N. She had turned her head away, clenching her eyes shut as the tears rolled down. It hurt him to see her like this. He longed to tell Tony the truth but he also knew that Y/N wouldn’t have come back her unless if was for a good reason.

“No,” Coulson finally spoke up. “I haven’t seen her. But I’ll let you know if I do.”

“You better not be lying to me, Phil. I…. I need to find her. She shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“I’ll send a search out for her and let you know as soon as I see or hear anything… Mind telling me, what happened?”

“No,” Y/N begged, so quietly everyone in the room almost missed it.

Tony sighed shakily, covering his eyes with his free hand. “Everything fell apart…. and…. She lost a lot today. Her family… her child…”

“Her child?” Coulson gasped. Everyone’s eyes widened, looking at Coulson before snapping back to look at Y/N.

“Now you know why it’s important that I find her.”

“Yeah… I do… I’ll keep you updated.” He hung up. “Y/N…”

“No,” she whimpered. “I don’t want your pity… It’s m-my fault my baby’s gone… my baby’s gone…. My brother’s gone… my Bucky’s gone… and, if I’d stayed, I would have lost Tony too…. I don’t have anyone…”

“Sshhh,” May cooed, moving to sit on the bed beside Y/N. “You have us. It’s going to be okay.”

next chapter >

NOTES: from now on the taglist when be added by a reblog. I will reblog it using my second account, @just-dreaming-marvel-2​. Just so that my main page doesn’t get too cluttered.

If you want to be added to the tag list, please dm me or send in an ask.

[give-seconds]

Sweet Lies

Summary: Sungchan wants to tell you something but is scared to do it face to face. So, he decides to write you letters telling you everything he wants to say.

Paring: Sungchan x female reader

Genre: Angst 

Warnings: cheating

Word count: 2.3K

---

Hi y/n,

I don’t know if you’re ever going to get these. I mean, as of right now, my intention isn’t to give you them. I guess these letters, like the reason they even exist, are for me. Through these letters, I hope to tell you everything I wish I had the guts to say to your face. I wish I could say this was all a mistake and that I could man up and beg for your forgiveness. But it isn’t a mistake. This is a conscious decision I made once and am continuing to make again.

Maybe you’ll even forgive me.

Love,

Sungchan

----

Good morning y/n,

You were gone when I woke up this morning. You wrote me this cute little note about how you had some special surprise planned for me today. I’m sorry, I’ll have to cancel. I already have plans today. I already know what I’ll say to you. I’ll say something about how my work assigned me to a special project and that I have to work late to help design the framework or something like that. Really though, it’s her birthday today, and I promised I’d spend it with her.

I wish I hated myself enough to stop.

Love,

Sungchan.

---

Hi y/n,

It’s kind of funny, actually. Today, you were telling me about a song you found that “is making its way” to becoming your favorite song. It’s a song from the cheater’s point of view. After you played it for me, you said you didn’t know if you could ever forgive someone who cheated on you. That you should be enough for someone, and if the person you’re dating doesn’t realize that, then they’re not someone you would miss.

After that, I was so stressed, I called her as soon as I got home. Her voice is the only thing that can calm me down when things like this happen between me and you.

I’m sorry,

Sungchan

—

Hi y/n,

Today the guilt I felt was too heavy. I called into work sick and spent the day stuffing everything you’ve ever given me into a box. It was too loud. One of the last things I put into the box was our undergrad graduation photo. It’s only been two years since then, but we look so young. Maybe it’s because I look at that photo and think how soon after that, we started our relationship. Back then, you were the only person I could see myself with.

Five months ago, I met someone who made me feel like that again. Those feelings are still there for you—I hope you never think I lost them. I just found someone who holds an equal part in my heart as you do.

Know I love you,

Sungchan

—-

My Dearest,

You showed up at our front door crying. Judging from the frantic knocks on my door from Jungwoo, you scared him pretty bad. Not many can scare Jungwoo like that; he must really like you.

Anyways, after a cup of hot chocolate, you told me what was wrong. You said your dad had another kid with another woman and that he’d never told you about it. That when you were young, he used to have “conference meetings” with the other higher-ups that lasted a few days.

He was really visiting his other family. Your mom even knew about it; you were the only one who didn’t know. You said that you’ve never been hurt by a lie before. While drying your eyes, you decided lies were the worst thing. That from here on out, you are going to live as honestly as you could. You then asked me if I was hiding anything from you and begged me to tell you if I was. “I can’t handle any more secrets, Sungchan. So if you have anything you’re hiding from me, please, please just tell me. I need to get it all over with now.”

I almost cried when you said that, and I’m thankful you couldn’t hear the lie in my voice when I said I wasn’t keeping anything from you. There have only been a few times the bracelet she’s given me felt like it was burning my skin. At that moment, when you begged me to tell you anything I was hiding, it felt like my wrist was on fire. As soon as you left, I practically ripped it off.

I love you, and I’m so sorry,

Sungchan

---

Hey love,

I was looking through these letters today before I went to bed (I’m writing this one as a spur-of-the-moment thing before I go to sleep), and I realized I’ve only been writing about how I hate what I’m doing. And while that is true, I don’t want you thinking that’s the only emotion I feel. I know what I’m doing is wrong, and I don’t deserve to be anything close to the good guy. With that being said, I owe you the truth. But if hearing me talk about my relationship with her is too painful, I suggest skipping this letter.

I met her about six months ago at a flower shop. It’s the shop I bought the flowers I got you for your birthday. She helped me pick them out. Now I don’t know what came over me, but when she asked me who I was getting flowers for, I told her they were for my mom. Before I left, she gave me her number. I almost threw it away, but right before I let go, something stopped me.

I felt something for her, and I still do. It felt like what I felt for you when I first started realizing I liked you. The immediate feeling of comfort that comes when I hear her voice, the blinding smile, the beautiful personality. It was all the same as when I met you.

I’m not trying to say she’s you; she’s more emotional when it comes to watching movies (I still want to find one that’ll make you cry, I know there’s one out there), and she’s a bit more hyper than you are. But the point I want to make is, the things I feel for you, I feel for her. I don’t know how much that’ll mean to you when (if) you read these, but know I feel so much for you. You were the light of my college years, and you continue to brighten my day.

But so does she. She knows things I don’t and can open my mind to a whole new world. She’s unlike anyone I’ve ever met, and it’s frankly amazing.

I’m trying hard not to talk too much about her in this—I don’t want you to think she’s better than you. I just want you to understand that no matter how many times I talk about how much I hate myself or the guilt I feel, I continue to tell you and her lies. As long as I have you two by my side, I’ll continue telling lies.

You both mean so much to me,

Sungchan.

---

Hey y/n,

This letter will be pretty short; I just wanted to tell you what a good day it was today. We spent the whole day together, which always feels therapeutic. I bought us lunch, we went go-carting (I beat you because you were too scared to go fast, it was great), and we looked around at different shops before we went back to my apartment to have dinner with Jungwoo.

It just feels right being with you, and I can’t thank you enough for being in my life. I think we’re a good fit, and so do you. It’s nice to be with someone who thinks so similarly to me, and I can’t get over how well we fit together. I mean, when you left, Jungwoo couldn’t stop talking about how lucky I am to have found someone who fits me so well.

I’m kind of rambling at this point, but I feel so much love for you right now that I wanted to put it down somewhere.

Thank you for being the person you are and loving me like I love you,

Sungchan

---

I’m so sorry,

I thought it was important I let you know right off the bat that I am sorry. Yesterday, I forgot about a date we arranged. We were out looking for a birthday present for her younger brother and got distracted looking at all the different shops. I never even heard the phone ring when you called. You called me five times before you texted and told me you were leaving. You had even tried to make a joke sending me a text that said: “at least we didn’t make reservations.”

Then today, I bought you flowers and told you that I was busy showing the intern around. That I had to do it on a Saturday because he’s from our office in Japan and takes Korean lessons on the weekdays. We do have an intern from our office in Japan here, but I’m not the one showing him around. You told me it was okay and that you understood, but I could tell you were still really hurt.

I feel like an idiot. I know cheating is bad, but I told myself that when I got into another relationship, I would never forget a date with either of you. That was the only standard I was trying to hold myself to, and I failed.

I’ll try harder to never forget a date again,

Sungchan

---

Hey y/n,

I think this is the last letter I’ll get to write to you. Well, I don’t think, I know.

You came to me today, asking what I was doing last night. I lied and told you I was at home watching TV. If there’s anything I will never forget about that conversation, it’s how you looked at me. You had smiled, nodding your head as you looked at me with teary eyes. You looked heartbroken.

When I tried to hug you and ask what was wrong, you shook your head no and backed away from me. Now that truly broke me. So I asked you what happened and you told me about how someone you knew saw me at the movie theater with a girl. You asked me to tell you who the girl was, and I begged you not to do this. I said that if you did this, it wouldn’t end well. That all the memories we had made together would be tainted.

You laughed and told me it wasn’t your fault the memories would be tainted; it was mine. You then asked me again to tell you who the girl was, and I told you what I had done.

I’m not sure when I started crying, and I’m still crying as I write you this letter. You were crying too as you told me we were over. I asked you to listen to me, and you just shook your head. As you walked to the door, you told me you would come by tomorrow to give me the stuff I keep at your house that I should pack up everything of yours. That’s how I’m going to give you these letters.

You also told me that if I’m still a decent person, I would tell the other girl about you. Believe me, after seeing your reaction I want to. But I can’t lose you both. Maybe soon, the guilt I feel when I look at her will make me strong enough to tell her.

Believe me, I know how selfish that is. I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I’m so sorry, and I love you,

Sungchan

---

Sungchan,

I couldn’t even bring myself to say something like “hi” or “dear,” you’re not dear to me anymore. That’s not to say this doesn’t hurt; I still can’t believe you did this to me. I mean, I thought I knew who you were.

I’m not writing this to tell you it’s okay or that I understand you through these letters. I’m mostly writing this because I don’t think I can face you right now. Again, I will never understand how you could do this. I thought I knew you. We’ve known each other for four years, two of which we were dating, and I still can’t believe I don’t know who you are. So while I don’t blame myself for this, I can’t help but wonder. If I knew you better, would you have been able to lie to me for so long?

I hope you know you’re not the hero here. You wrote that one letter about how you didn’t think you deserved to be the good guy, but you wouldn’t be writing these letters if you didn’t think you were justified in some way. You were in no way a decent person, and I hope you remember that.

You also tried to say you loved me throughout your affair. If you loved me, we wouldn’t even be having whatever this is right now. If you loved me, you would have told me about her when I asked you to tell me if you were hiding anything. If you loved me, it would have been you who told me about your cheating and not a coworker. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was for me? This lady who I only talk to on occasion now knows my boyfriend didn’t value me enough to be committed to our relationship. She only knew what you looked like because she happens to follow me on Instagram and saw all the photos of us I had posted. You don’t love me, and I hope you can stop lying to yourself.

And you’re right—you are being completely selfish by not telling her. So I decided I had to be the bigger person, once again, and tell her myself. I swallowed my pride and asked my coworker to look through your followers with me until she found the girl she saw you out with. I sent a message to her explaining the situation, and guess what? She believed me. You should be hearing from her soon—that is if you haven’t already.

Goodbye cheater,

Y/n

---

Thank you all for reading! I’ve been listening to Sweet Lies by EXO a lot lately, so I decided to write this. Thank you to @jiwvnie and @pastelsicheng for proofreading this for me! 

I would love to know what you thought about this, and I hope you all have a great day/night!

Masterlist