#And sometimes I catch myself doing the same thing; and I switch to a different word or format than I’ve been using; out of nothing

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Do you ever listen to someone speak and marvel at how smooth, free-flowing, and free of pauses it is?

Because I sure do. I can’t do that.

Maybe that’s why I feel like most people’s speech is insincere even when it isn’t… because it sounds like how I would recite or read a script. That explains why I view people who aren’t native English speakers, have a heavy accent, and take long pauses to think of the words they need to say as being more trustworthy… because my cadence is similar to theirs; and we both stumble over words.

[kekstala]

Outside of the very very iconic sweet and sour dipplins, do you have any other fics your a big fan of?

I have a lot of fanfics that I enjoyed a lot and still do.

I'll only cover Dipplinshipping tho, so if you want to know more, feel free to ask again. <3

Blossoming Into Tomorrow by @furretd0ll

It’s an adorable time skip story about Kieran & Juliana getting married and facing the challenge of parenthood.

The story gives those fluffy family vibe feels, a troop I enjoy a lot!

I have already created fan art, because I absolutely love this story. <3

Playing Pretend by @esp3onsol

For a certain reason, Kieran & Juliana make a deal to pretend that they're dating each other for a while.

They‘re practically obvious idiots in love, which results into a lot of awkward moments.

It‘s hilarious and cute at the same time, I love it <3

Part 1 & 2 of the ogre‘s savaltion and the tides that set them free by lillisandme

Like the title tells, it’s a two part story - first party plays immediately after the Terapagos fight. Kieran & Juliana have a heart to heart talk which results in Kieran reflecting his feelings.

The second part takes place several years later, Kieran visits Juliana in Paldea to spend some time with her.

It‘s quite long but also very well written - I really like how the characters are fleshed out in there.

Woodworking AU by MissTreason

It‘s a story splitted into 4 one shorts - Instead of pursiuing a battle carrier, Kieran decides to step into the footsteps of his grandfather and starts to learn to crave masks.

The plot starts at Blueberry and ends up several years into the future. It‘s mainly from Kieran point of view and how his feelings change over time.

It‘s fantastic written and you just want to know what happens next.

Although I have to give a warning about the fourth part - it‘s….very spicy….

So if you‘re an minor or doesn‘t stomach this kind of things, better ignore this entry completely 

If you in fact doesn‘t mind at all, enjoy that kind of stuff even, then congratulation, you‘re a pervert…just like me 8D

Teal Mayhem by MurayamaTsuru

It‘s more or less an AU or a „What If“ where Carmine and Kieran switch places in the first part of the DLC.

So instead of Carmine and Juliana meeting Ogerpon for the first time, its Kieran & Juliana instead. 

It‘s an interesting concept and I love how it‘s being fleshed out so far. (I‘m quite excited how the story will go from there :> )

Dipplinshipping Week 2024 - Day 2 AU by Kaylen_Go_Vee

This one‘s so random but also so cute lol

It‘s an oneshot about Juliana, a florist and Kieran, a tattoo artist who one day storms into her little shop to demand a bouquet of flowers. 

It sounds pretty boring and ordinary, but believe me its not LOL 

I sometimes catch myself rereading this story several times because it‘s just so cute and hilarious, I just can‘t oke xD I even debated whenever I should make fan art or not…probably will in the foreseeable future lol

Azure Dive by UndeadWitch

Like S&SD it takes place between the second part of the DLC.

Kieran got possessed by Dokupon (it‘s more or less Peachy, but very different) and Juliana tries to help him, while facing…well…school life lol

It‘s that kind of slow burn where you scream into your cushion out of frustration pff 

Although I have to say, I like this approach a lot. The story has time build itself and the characters go through some well deserved development as well.

Just bring some patience and you will love this piece of fantastic art quite a lot <3

That‘s about it (for the moment lol)

I recommend all of this stories if you enjoy Dipplinshipping like I do <3

Thank you so much for your ask! :D

[bearpillowmonster]

Epic Mickey: Rebrushed

I'm an Epic Mickey stan, I would've bought this whether I played it or not, just to support it because I've always wanted more. (mainly, for Oswald!) But so much was planned for this franchise, including a movie and an Epic Donald spinoff.

CHANGES

Looking at this is night and day especially for a dark setting. The graphics weren't bad on the Wii, they were just, well, on the Wii. (which ran at max 720p) And while that's still feasible, it's so nice to see everything smoothed out and relit. They didn't have to go as far as messing with the actual fidelity of it or the custscenes but they make it known what a movie it would've been and we lost boys.

The addition of sprinting, dashing and butt stomping is really what this game needed because the first Epic Mickey was a Wii exclusive and I loved playing it when I first got into it but I found it had faded since then. I came back maybe a year or two ago to try and play it again and I just couldn't bring myself to. I like platforming and the platforming in this game sucked, it wouldn't control right, I felt like I was jumping in a straight line, like barely any momentum. It wasn't quite there for something you do a lot of. And if you fall in the thinner, there's very seldom a platform to catch you so dying sets you back and then you had to walk back so sprinting is just a complete clutch.

You also had aiming to deal with as far as the Wii remote- This review is for the Switch version, yeah, I knew that it would run a little worse than the other consoles but now I have the experience to talk about specifics and I wanted to play it on the go. The darkness I mentioned can be adjusted, not just in brightness but in color and style for color deficiency. You cannot shake the joycon to spin.

There is a choice to use motion controls when you're spraying but that's the only time it comes up, you already have to have the button pressed down and even then you can just use the analog stick, it's really good either way, no complaints. You can also set it if you're standing still and press the down arrow. The framerate…could dip and there was a time or two where it'd get stuck, the load times can be long (but you don't see a loading screen often) it's just weird to me that the game is a remaster of a game from 2010 and actually has the biggest file size on my Switch and even with all that size, has longer loading screens than comparable titles like Super Mario Odyssey.

And this is especially important for this game because you sometimes have to traverse back and forth between Ostown and Mean Street and whatever to get the side quests done (and sometimes main) and every time you have to speedrun the same pathway level (projector) to get there and each time you jump in or out is a loading screen. Seeing as this is labelled as a remake and not just a remaster, they very well could've made a fast travel. There were some instances like that where the sequel had the feature that I wanted and was hoping that it'd be updated in here like so many remaksters are doing now, Last of Us and Horizon for example.

The one thing that did carry over is that you've probably seen the different skins that you get with either preorder or purchase, there are a few unlockable ones as well. They fit well with the 2.5D levels (Brave Little Tailor for 30s cartoons, Steamboat for 20s). There is a photo mode, it's not as customized in the 2D levels but I definitely had fun with it if you can't tell.

It's the same game but it's not one-to-one, for example, the locations of the power boxes are different in Os-Town, scenes like this look different.

Which is a downgrade in my eyes but some of them are very neutral, like the health bar

…that's a choice, I guess, there was no real need to change it. It definitely makes things more textured and seem a little less rough, look at this platform where you find Pete Pan.

Sometimes more detailed and lush, but sometimes it takes from the scene. Little stuff like goo dripping from the ceiling removed, sometimes it's the overall colors and vibes of a level to either lighten or darken. I can't say whether I like one or the other totally more.

THE GAME

Let's talk about the meat because it's 60$ so I'm going to treat it like it as if it was a brand new game, plus I never reviewed the original and I don't talk about it enough so here we go. I'll cover thinner mode in some other post, this is more or less hero mode.

It's a reasonable amount of hours and honestly time as been gracious to it, whether it be the growing cult status or the fact that it's on other consoles other than the Wii because while the combat still leaves a little to be desired, the gameplay overall is a lot more refined in my eyes.

There are times where your paint can't reach an item, it's not a bad limitation but still in sight, it tells you what's reachable by turning green. But this is especially precise and annoying for the ending with the bloticles. I don't get what it is with games and popping bubbles.

Oswald is in this a lot less than I remember, I always thought of him as making mischief for a level but he kind of shows up just to show you your end goal. Towards the second half he appears a lot more though. It's kind of cool how it's all a Alice Through The Looking Glass type thing and Oswald is the White Rabbit. And all things forgotten, Atlantis, Tron…no Black Cauldron (which fits perfectly) and no Treasure Planet though everything that is popular is all mechanical, an artificial imitation and the way Smee is colored makes it look like the concept art, all inverted from the way we know and it's just-

I really like the idea of having different endings correlating to how you played. When I first played this, I tried to hundred percent it first round and paint absolutely every nook and collect every item and to be honest, I found myself doing a lot of the same stuff I did when I started, it's funny, I have the same thought processes but I've come to the conclusion that if I waste my time on just one collectible, it won't be as fun and I won't want to play it anymore and it's been this long so let me finish it. But there are obvious rewards for either path, one of the first I could tell was having a gremlin in a catapult and a chest on the switch. Remove the chest and it launches the gremlin, remove the gremlin and it locks the chest. There are times you can just thinner brush most things and it'll show a negative outlook on the world itself. You can either clean up your mess with paint or take out the trash and destroy it like it never happened.

There are a lot of things to collect and I had fun just looking in every corner though I found that they seem kind of half-and-half, some going by the wayside like the pins and some being cool like the concept art.

[billdenbrough]

my uncle killed himself last night.

technically, he’s my mum’s cousin, but we’re pasifika, which means he’s my uncle. he’s one of her best friends in the whole world. she’s closer to him than she is to her actual brother.

when he told me the news, my dad gave a tiny biography. a refresher course, if you will. to some, this would indicate, i imagine, a great distance. a lack of familiarity. the thing you have to know, then, is my mother has one hundred and eight first cousins. multiple of them (who are also related to each other) have the same name.

but i’m sitting in a mall, looking at my google doc, thinking to myself, how am i going to connect a to b, and then i get a text, and i am staring at my phone for ten minutes. there is something weird and staticky and tight and panicky in my chest, but mostly everything is numb. i do not own a weighted blanket, but i imagine sometimes it might be like this. a grounding pressure coating everything. or maybe vaseline is closer to what i mean, keeping things in, keeping things out.

i call my dad. i take a list of errands. nothing to do with my uncle, or my mother, or grief, or death. they are the tasks my dad needs done, the things he was going to do today but now is not, because my mother’s heart is broken and he can’t leave her alone. so maybe they are to do with grief, kind of.

i drive through the city, and it sucks, because of course it does, but also it’s a saturday, and it’s a long weekend, and there are sales, and i am driving to the biggest mall in my area. and i get there, and i don’t really know where to go or what to do, so i try to nap in the back of my car. i lock all the doors, bunch up several of my jackets lying around, and set a timer for half an hour. after three minutes, it’s too hot, so i climb back up, figure out how to unlock the whole car, make my way to the front, turn it on, and put the back two windows down, just an inch or two. inches aren’t my favourite measurement—imprecise, unpractical, american—but it is what it is. i lay back down, and i try sleep, and i get maybe ten minutes of semi-aware rest before the noises outside stress me out too much, and then i spend the rest of the timer curled on my side, staring at my phone battery go down. my dad calls me back eventually, and gives me a direction. the first half of the great impersonator is my company for this, until my battery level stresses me out even more than the vaseline works, and i switch off bluetooth completely.

it starts raining at some point, and there is a wind tunnel, and my feet are sore because i’m not wearing my orthotics, which i am not wearing because they were making my feet ache. catch-22. i keep doing errands, and eventually, the lane i take when driving from one of the stores to a different mall leads me all the way to the house of someone i used to know, a boy who dated someone in my family for years and years and years. this is not great. i do not love this. i have spent the better part of a year adjusting to his absence, see, and reckoning with the big hurts people can deal people in ways that are small, in the greater scheme of things.

and i’m driving past his parents’ house, thinking about the last time i was there, and it’s probably less upsetting than it would be on a good day, but it is still a bad thing on a day that just managed to already be worse. and then i start thinking about my uncle, and my dad’s refresher bio, and how it did not include the fact that this man taught me how to weave, even though he did. he showed me how to weave hammocks and nets and helped me into a dinghy when i was ten and trying to bridge the gap of the ocean from the ladder to the boat and my mother loved him and relied on him and his smile is etched into my brain and now he is dead.

i finally get hungry. i woke up at 5am, my body causing me problems even after being up past midnight revisiting old stories and universes and ideas, and i’ve had one thing to eat around 9:30, and then everything has been too funny in my stomach to contend with the idea of eating. and then, suddenly, i am finally hungry, so much that it hurts. and i get food for my mother, who has not been eating all day, too full with grief, and i get food for myself, and some extra for my dad, and i drive through the rain and behind bad drivers and with songs i don’t know playing, until i get to the kitchen where my mother is, and i drop all my bags, and i hold her for a full minute while she shakes against me.

dad went for a walk, she says, and i give her the food, and i tell her i got the broth separate from the noodles so she can heat and eat it later if she isn’t ready now, and she says she will eat it.

and she is eating. and i am eating. and there she is. and here i am. and she says she wants to go back home. she wants to go this week, but she doesn’t know who can take care of the cat, because i will be in another city for three days and dad will be away for two. and she says how my uncle was such a big part of the reason she was so looking forward to going back home with all of us this christmas. they had so many big plans. and her voice shakes. and she says my aunt, her sister, is taking it badly, and i am not surprised, and then she says that my aunt is the one who found him, that it was in her house, and now i am surprised. now i am shaking too.

my dad comes home. she doesn’t bring up wanting to go back. maybe she is waiting. i wash my new sheets. the rugby game is starting in one room, and we all slowly migrate there, and we sit in separate chairs, and we watch, by which i mean we have devices in front of us that we sometimes look away from to observe the game. i’m still staring at that same google doc from this morning.

every so often, when i look up, i don’t watch the game. i watch my mother, and i watch how her face crumples, so many times that i cannot count. her whole mouth turns down, and her face shakes, and her eyes are so, so sad, and she is across the room from me, and all i can do is watch. she does not cry. she does not speak. but her face crumples, over and over.

my dad goes to shower. she goes to shower. i end up on a wikipedia deep dive of something even more horrible, even sadder, and close my laptop screen. i go to shower, because i almost had a breakdown over something that isn’t even a thing to have a reaction to on twitter, and i need to do something to douse the rising anxiety beneath my skin. so i go to shower, and i open tumblr, and i start typing. i don’t really know why i’m saying all this. i guess i’m still trying to douse the rising thing in my chest. the vaseline is wearing thin, and i don’t know if it’s all better out or in.

i guess it’s just a lot. and i don’t know where to put it down. and today is the first day. and we will do it all again tomorrow, and my mother will still be staring at the ceiling, and i will be watching her, and my dad will go for walks in the rain, and nobody will have anything big enough to say to make it better. i don’t know if anyone has told my sister.

[skunkes]

sorry if this is a silly question but do you like. sit down and talk with your ocs in your head? and they tell you about themselves? how do you get them to reveal information....i am begging mine to let me know them orz

I do! In several different ways ^_^ the trick is to think of yourself as a character in your brain theater... ill mostly be explaining thru examples and using silly language ^_^ and its more How I Do It vs a how to....

"Sitting down and talking to em" interrogation style only happens before they're fully formed. when talon still didnt have very many traits it was like we were in a white room with 2 chairs... although you COULD make a scenario out of this its usually the Before for me. final tweaks in the form of basic traits and info before sending em out for further development

the way i get ocs to tell me about themselves is more thru actions! with talon I "locked him in a room" with al in the form of imagining how they'd meet. because I set it in talon's decrepit home with no running water or electricity, there come questions like. would he be accommodating? would he explain the vampirism or just rely on flashing his fangs or hiding them until its time to bite? these arent questions i actually went into the scenario having, but as you Play Dolls its questions that get answered anyway, ykwim? (although you could also go into the simulation (lol) with questions you want answered!) And its your brain so you can do as many takes and tweaks as you want, and things develop as you imagine the same thing, or different things, which all inform a character.

Scenarios could be anything. Im a serial daydreamer so anything goes depending on how bored I am or what im doing... and just like with real people, every scenario is a way to learn more about somebody...! It's like improv in your brain as you think up how they'd react and respond to things, and what they'd say. But also, going with your oc to the grocery store or a restaurant or to slay a dragon could give you insight into their behavior but likely not any info about their trauma or whatever, just like real people (but it also depends on the person) (and the oc!)

I DO have "sit down and talk" scenarios once i feel ive learned enough standard, early level friendship stuff about em though. It's much fun if you set the scene in your mind to mimic a real life Deep Conversation session. Sitting in the backyard on those plastic chairs, or aimless car ride at night. right now the one I keep going back to is just. Loafed in bed when you're really sleepy and just starting to say anything about anything and maybe get a little sentimental. sometimes its just me talking but I obvs have the ability to imagine how he'd be interpreting that in his brain, ykwim?? You play several roles at once I guess. It's like the sims, switching back and forth between povs, but the level of immersion i get into never feels like I'm Making Them Say It, it just feels natural at that point because I've learned enough.

There's also information that's shared by you figuring out what they'd Think (as above) vs what they say which is also fun characterwise... AND ALSO while im daydreaming scenarios I do multiple takes to find their voice. Like, I'm an overexplainer, a detailed therapy-speak-er. Sometimes I catch myself giving ocs that Voice and I have to do a retake. Like hold on, Talon would NOT be introspective. He wouldn't share all that shit I just "made" him say even if it is true and now I know about it. He'd say something insanely vague and confusing if anything at all. Let's take it from the top. etc

It rlly is about immersion! You have to have fun with it! Sometimes it's so Real to me that I genuinely can't develop an oc further because I cant make something up for them and they wont "tell me", which means I just have to spend more time with em I guess! or maybe need to leave em alone for a bit. or maybe ill never know (<- which also tells me about em!) just like real people. treat the fake people like real people in your fake dollhouse brain theater sims lot puppet show simulation.... also i added more in the tags bc i didnt know where to put it in the main txt 😭

[mercurytrinemoon]

Hi!

So this is genuinely an innocent, unbiased question.

I have always used Placidus but when I read a post on your blog I was swayed into trying the Whole Sign system. It was relatable! I could actually see myself in there. Here's the catch though: I do feel like Placidus resonates more with me. Evaluating myself, being critical but intuitive at the same time, I actually opened my mind completely and went "which one ACTUALLY does feel more accurate?" because the Whole Sign did speak to me in a different way, but the Placidus somehow still feels more accurate.

I guess the question is... How does this work. Because I loved the Whole Sign system. And in a way I guess I want to be stubborn and spoiled and use both 😭 cuz like... I don't know. I have, throughout my journey in these studies of such practices, mixed things and used them in a way that turns things compatible. It's weird and in this case it could be dangerously wrong to do so.

Like, imagine various religions at the same time. I sort of do that in the sense that they all resonate and I mix all of them.

I don't know. Placidus and Whole Signs are, to me, marvelous, although the former is the one that resonates with me the most.

I would also like to ask your thoughts about different astrologers using different systems. From my perspective, it can be done. I actually adore diversity in these studies and think that the more theories the merrier. I feel like different approaches open a whole wider world and for some reason it makes me glad that there are multiple ways of looking into astrology, even though I may have what could be considered an incompatible method or view when it comes to other perspectives, I am happy that there is diversity - to me, it means astrology is such a fascinating, interesting subject do dive deeper and deeper into. Like I could, in 50 years, settle for a specific perspective but to know there are other ways sounds... Oddly comforting. This is weird or maybe I sound like such a naïve amateur (I'm actually not exactly 😭😅) it's just I have always approached everything this way. Like "there is room for everyone."

I ask you because I actually feel like you have an open minded and rather peaceful, sensible nature.

Thank you so much for reading this (and replying if you will)!!!

💜💜💜

Hi!

Omg thank you for the message, it's really sweet. And I'm happy to hear you gave whole sign a chance!

Obviously I don't have the real answers here but I guess we can look at house systems like a language in a way? Or tools to achieve a certain thing? Like using different words to describe the same thing or using different tools to build it - ultimately you get somewhat the same outcome, maybe slightly altered or maybe one that's looked at from a different perspective.

These days I don't even think of looking at charts in placidus and often times I immediately find my answers in whole sign BUT when I did go back and forth between house systems, I sometimes noticed that you can get similar (if not the same) delineations no matter what system you use (also often because usually you have a few indicators in a chart that point to the same thing). Although I did stick with whole sign because I find it the most straightforward, especially in terms of life events and circumstances, which I'm usually the most interested in.

I know it can be very tricky to look at your own chart because most of us are biased towards ourselves haha but just to give an example of my chart: in placidus I have Mars in the 3rd house. But when I switch to whole sign, I'm an aquarius rising so that Mars rules my 3rd house and it's a planet that is in the worst condition in my chart… So we pretty much get the same outcome of having a challenging 3rd house situation. It's just different wording.

And maybe tools that we use to read a chart are somewhat responsible for it as well? The way people read charts? Heck, even take sidereal and vedic approach. If I look at descriptions of my sidereal placements and read about all of the nakshatras and stuff, I see literally nothing that would fit my personality, my life circumstances etc… But I do bet if I went to a proper vedic astrologer, things would resonate a lot more because that astrologer would know how to use the tools to read charts that way. Which… if you think about it, how can two completely different approaches accurately describe the same person? For me that's honestly baffling, a lot more than the house system dispute haha.

I do think there's a place for diversity among astrologers as well. There's soooo many amazing ones, in current times but also looking at the history of astrology - surely we can't reject all the trailblazing work that was done by many throughout the centuries - and some of them used whole sign, some equal, some different variations of quadrant houses. And it all worked!

Although of course, it is easier when you look at what other astrologers are practicing and seeing you use the same system 😅 Cause you know you're gonna agree on stuff. Many times I was talking with someone who uses placidus and I was like "no, no, but this and this panet is in that house in your chart, that's why xyz is happening to you" and it's like you're talking to a wall lol. So gotta admit, it can be a bit challening. Not to mention when someone's a straight up whole sign house hater.

As messy or confusing as it can get, there are astrologers who use two systems at once so I guess everything can be done haha.

Idk if that answer helped in any way. It is an interesting topic and I guess somewhat a taboo among astrologers because most tend to fight over it so it's nice to have an open and respectful conversation about it 😊

[bardic-inspo]

Writer Interview

Playing some catch up on tags. Tagged by the wonderful @pursuitseternal, @marlowethebard, @nyx-knox, @honeybee-bard, @snowfolly,

and @paganwitchisis holy shit thank you all!!

Not sure who all in my circles has done this already, but gonna tag @wilteddreamsofbaldursgate, @astarionancuntnin, @pinkberrytea, @locallegume, @thedreamlessnights,

@ladymdc, and @carooosa if you see this and would like to do it! No worries if not!

When did you start writing?

Around 13/14 years old, doing warrior cats roleplay on proboards forums. Roleplay isn't really my speed anymore, but it eventually bridged me into more traditional narrative writing and then fanfic later. Fallout 4 was the first fandom I really wrote fanfic for.

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I really love intricate long-running plots with slow-burn pay off, and used to write more in that vein, but got pretty burnt out on it. It felt like it would take so long to get to those big moments I pictured the whole time, by the time I arrived to them, they felt played out in my head. Trying to strike a happy medium now by writing (relatively) shorter and more focused fic/storylines that still pack a punch, but maybe have fewer branches.

Otherwise my genre/theme preferences are generally the same with writing vs. reading and are pretty broad.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

Not a writer, but I've been told at various times there is a poetical element in a lot of my writing, even in just the sentence structure or how I tend to pace my prose. That makes a lot of sense to me, since I wrote a lot of poetry before getting into writing a lot of prose.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I used too many tricks on my brain to jump start creativity (yummy beverage, cozy blanket, favorite candle when writing) and now my brain often demands all of these things be in place to do any writing 😬I can sometimes get away without all of them. Usually, I'm writing in my office, which is a pretty blue color with some gold picture frames and often a soothing space. But, I do work from home in there at times, too, and on workdays I can't make myself do creative things in the same spot I sat in working all day. Then, I'll be at my dining table or sitting on my couch, usually with headphones because I have a hard time concentrating with other noise around me.

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

Self care. I mean, making sure I've got sleep/food/hygiene etc. squared away where they should be, even if it means taking a break from the page. Most of the time when I'm trying hard to write and it's just not jiving, it's because I've neglected one of those things, and the words always come easier once I've addressed them.

Playing the game again. Listening to character music. Chatting with friends who love the character, too.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

Yes! A lot of them became apparent to me only after switching fandoms and realizing I was writing about a lot of similar themes. Grief is a big one. Characters who've experienced both a lack of love and a loss of it. Characters who fall in love again or in spite of that loss. The main ships I've written for all feature characters who either loved someone else first or, in Astarion's case, have gone through the forced motions of romance.

Battle couples is another big one. Bisexual battle couples. 🥰

What is your reason for writing?

It's always felt like something I needed to do to feel whole. Not necessarily the sharing the writing or posting it part, or getting a reaction about it, but doing it at all, even just a little. Even if it's just for me. I feel more me when writing is at least a small part of my life. More free. It's my creative outlet.

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

I adore any comment. I'm borrowing this from someone else's interview post, but I too am a slut for praise. In all honesty though, just knowing I'm not writing into some void or vacuum can be so powerful. Even just a heart emoji comment makes my spirits soar.

The ones that go full red string and corkboard about the plot or characters, or quote what parts stick out to them always stick with me. It lets me know I'm hitting the mark with what I'm trying to convey.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

I want them to know I'm still good for it even if it takes me a long time.💜That's the biggest thing to me right now. I'm not able to pour it out so quickly as others can. But I hope they know it'll be a good time when I do eventually post.

And also that I'm just some lady. I'm just another human bean. Wanting to share and enjoy stories with other human beans, and connect with a sense of community through those stories.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

Visceral/punchy action scenes, vivid descriptions, setting tone, and portraying character personalities.

How do you feel about your own writing?

My feelings about it change with the tides. Right now, I'm a bit glum, and I think that's because I haven't had much to share or post lately, even though I've been doing lots of writing that isn't ready to be shared yet. On the other hand, I'm having the most fun with it that I've had in a very long time, and that element feels great.

I'm grateful for what I've done, incredibly blessed to have made friends and found community through writing, and ever-striving to find the happy medium of productivity and creativity.

When you write, are you influenced by what others enjoy might enjoy reading, or do you write purely for yourself, or a mix of both?

It's mostly what I'd like hehe. And I'm happy about that. I am often inspired to try things based on what I see in fandom, but if I don't enjoy it, too, I won't pursue it further.

[july-19th-club]

Do you have multiple books in progress concurrently, and read them all one chapter at a time??? This is unimaginable to me.

well, not ALWAYS, but...uh.....yeah, when i wanna really have fun then yes, the way that i read books is best described as "ridiculous," "overcomplicated," and "absurd". i love it.

it usually starts out with like one book but then i start reading another one and then another book catches my eye etc etc and eventually i wind up with a stack of like six books at once (i try not to go over six, because then it'd take me multiple months to get through them all). my current stack of books that i'm reading are in the pic:

[image description: a stack of mostly library books on op's tv shelf. they are, as follows: "The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer" by Siddhartha Mukherjee, "Let Me Tell You," a collection of short stories and essays by Shirley Jackson, "Babel" by R.F. Kuang, "The Well of Sacrifice" by Chris Eboch, and "The Amulet of Samarkand" by Jonathan Stroud.]

and what i do is i read a chapter of the top book and i stick it on the bottom of the stack and the next time im ready to read - might immediately or it might be after a chore or it might be the next day - i read a chapter from the next book on the stack. then i stick it on the bottom and the cycle continues. now, because not all of the books have the same number of chapters, of course, i'll finish some of them before others. in my current stack "The Well of Sacrifice", the second one from the bottom in the pic, is the one i'm closest to being done with. when i finish it i'll put a new book in its spot in the order - not on the very top, not on the very bottom - because that would be 'cheating' and trying to skew the odds to make one book finish quicker than the others. unless the book is REALLY good, i don't stop and finish it all at once; i finish them when i finish them. how do i not lose track of books like this you ask? i don't know, my mom used to ask me the same thing when i picked out ten books from the school library at once in fifth grade; i just never have. all the books are about very different things. why would i get them confused? don't you get bored with a book sometimes? of course. that's why there's the stack. if a book is really dull, i only have to read a chapter of it before i can switch things up, but being able to do that keeps me motivated to finish even the boring books. AND if a book is really, really exciting, the stack makes me pace myself so i don't fuck up my sleep schedule or lose track of time for hours reading. i love my stack and i love to sort and yes, i am most very probably autistic

[dojae-huh]

I can't believe I found ur acc after about 3 whole years of searching that was long.. I read ur blog in like 2020/2021 I think and ever since, I've never come across someone with such a unique take on jaedo. I secretly enjoy ur blog ngl. I need to read the whole thing ^^

I liked how you mentioned that jaedo are already in a relationship and that was very different from my thoughts on them cuz to me jaehyun was still pinning on doyoung and it has always been a one sided or maybe even unrequited love..

But observing jaedo over the years till now, the theories are always endless. Like how I'm now sure doyoung knows very well jaehyun has feelings for him but he doesn't know how to reciprocate the feelings.

One day it's like dy can go well with jaehyun's little flirting remarks and banter then the next he's completely ignoring his entire presence??

To understand where dy stands will always be complicated but with jaehyun, how come he's so patient and so understanding to wait for all these years? Unless they're already dating, but that's a stretch. To me at least I can't see it like that.

If jaedo are currently going out, then I'd say it's very cruel to jaehyun cuz of what normally happens. It's been years, and doyoung only gives his attention to jh sometimes (oncam) while for jaehyun he'll break his neck for dy even at the slightest mention of his name.

One thing that helped me from ur blog was how u mentioned the thing about jaehyun's mother and how strict she was and the way he would want her to praise him by doing stuff like washing the dishes and stuff. It really put everything into perspective.

Jaehyun is braver than doyoung, that's for sure, but he's not brave enough to confess to dy. His teasing and small compliments are a way to get doyoungs attention to focus on him he hasn't done anything more. Same with how he washed the dishes, he'll do everything to make dy notice him but a confession hasn't happened yet I fear. (Even tho dy probably knows by know, and the entirety of ilichil)

I always ask myself this question who has the upper hand in jaedo (that's a bit toxic :*) but to me it's like who has a say in the relationship and how to move forward with it. My answer has always been dy but it recently changed.

The same way jh was the first one to catch feels (obvi) he'll be the same person to organise his thoughts and feelings if things don't work out with dy. I Wish him all the luck btw :( (dy is my ult jh is just a bias)

But if jaehyun suddenly pulls away from dy completely how will dy react? I feel like doyoung is not honest with his feelings, he might not like or even like jh but it's like he doesn't want to address it at all. (My opinion is purely based on observing them over the years)

I think the time for jaedo closure is a now or never thing. cuz with the military enlistment coming soon things might never go well for them.

Hi, welcome back.

Well, as much as it is interesting to read another person's point of view, to know how the same events are interpreted by a different mind, I can't agree to entertain your version. There are no endless possibilities. And it's not me being stubborn or narrow-minded or wishful-thinking, I simply considered all scenarios and scratched off those that are not supported by the facts from reality.

You say you observe JaeDo over the years, but it seems from your words you are too moved by the daily fluctuations. You look at the waves and not the sea bottom underneath. And you are talking about two grown up gay men like they are teenagers in Victorian era.

They are all fake on camera. Jaehyun, Doyoung, Haechan, Yuta with his Mark. It is not their life, it is their job. They have personas, images. Doyoung directly says his boyfriend pics for Insta is image, that they live the life of pretence, that he switches from Doyoung to Dongyoung. And yet, many still put too much importance on what happens before cameras. I mean, it definitely helps to draw the picture, but it's not their personal life.

Do a thought experiment. Ask yourself why would Jaehyun be still in love with Doyoung after all these years if all he ever knows is Doyoung being cruel to him? Is Jaehyun a masochist? Doyoung ignores him and Jaehyun instead of suffering sends him a megaton watt smile back his direction? When Doyoung really ignores Jaehyun, Jaehyun makes Doyoung's life hard (how it was in 2017). Jaehyun is not a patient guy, nor is he capable of yelding to others on things that matter to him.

JaeDo live in a homophobic society, but not in one where coming out means being thrown off the roof of a building. Dating a collegue or confessing, being rejected, and moving on is a much more usual and healthy way to pestering feelings over 10 years. They work 24/7 together, they can't afford endless pining or endless denial of feelings unless they are both internally homophobic (which they are not).

The common sense aside. JaeDo still pining after each other is simply not supported by what is observed in reality. For starters, there won't be any reason to pretend to dislike each other on public instead of being second TaeDo. As well as being censored by the company. They have to lie to the public because they are honest with themselves.

P.S. You watch too little content. Jaehyun said he is the type to confess right away. While Doyoung said he thinks if you love someone you should let the person know.

[juliasdowntonstuff]

for the ask game 🦋 💌 💕 & 🌸?

4 at once? Who told you I was stalling getting work done? Anyway, thank you!

🦋 Describe yourself in three words.

sarcastic. emotional. artistic (or at least I'd like to be)

💌 Do you talk to yourself?

Oh yeah, all the time. I think I actually talk more to myself than I do to other people. And sometimes I also catch myself switching languages. Whenever I do that, it is such a weird sensation because I never have any reason for doing so and it usually takes me a while to realise.

💞 @ your favorite blog.

I can't choose. There are different blogs for different things, and even for the same things, my favourite sometimes changes. So I can't answer you that, not without possibly wanting to change my answer in 5 minutes.

🌸 Best compliment you ever received?

I can't think of one definitive answer to that yet again, so I will just talk about the most recent one. A very dear friend of mine has said that in my writing one can feel how much love and hurt I have in me, and that they like how my experiences are woven into the story I am working on. While that might not sound like the stereotypical compliment to most, especially the first part, it really meant an awful lot to me. It reminded me that these two emotions are most certainly not mutually exclusive, which is what I had increasingly begun to feel like (while leaning quite heavily on the hurt side). They coexist and often even cause each other. It is easy to forget that there is hurt in love and it is also easy to forget love through hurt. I really needed that reminder at that time, and I needed it today again. So, thank you!

[marshmallowprotection]

Kait~ it's been a while, I've been doing alright, I have been obsessed with pokemon and my last grade started a while ago. Tomorrow I'm also getting some more Blue Period merch I ordered! One thing in it is a special sketchbook that it's only in Japanese and I can't wait to try and translate it myself slowly and slowly, I have been doing decent progress with Japanese, after all.

Knowing two languages and going for a third one can be scary but I've been having fun learning it, even if I struggle a lot at some parts. I'm able to pick up on a LOT of words, actually, it's just I can't put them together in a sentence yet but I'm slowly learning more and more! It's not my main main focus right now but I have been getting back slowly into watching anime and catching up with some things.

How have you been? I still use Tumblr but not as much. I hope you have been doing well! If you want, please ramble about anything you want.^^

I wanted to ramble kinda about Yatora from Blue Period, I'm happy to say I'm getting more comfortable with my self-ship with him and also Saeyoung as well. Even though my main focus is Yatora, I still look at Saeyoung images from time to time!

Well, I won't be really saying spoilers about Blue Period but I have noticed a lot about Yatora. Sometimes, he is completely different from Saeyoung but they are some things they are similar to!

One thing is that they both go fishing! To be honest, Yatora was kinda dragged into it at first but now he seems to like doing it! I can imagine Saeyoung being competitive with a smirk and Yatora just awkwardly smiling as Saeyoung gets all the fish SKSJDHS

Important fact, they both blush a lot! I can definitely say Yatora blushes way more than Saeyoung but I love them having red on their cheeks, it's so so cuteeeee!! Yatora seems quite more emotional than Saeyoung so you'll see him cry a lot, even if he is happy it's so SKDHSHDH

We pretty much know how Saeyoung acts when he is mad so when Yatora gets mad, he thinks about it a lot and he gets hurt usually a lot if it's something with him. At least we know that he doesn't really lay a finger on anyone, no matter how mad he is, he usually just gets close while glaring daggers and talks lowly. Yatora doesn't really hold grudges and even tends to forget/leave it behind him pretty much!

One thing I adore is that they are probably taller than me MSMSMS and they both wear glasses, too! Yatora mostly wears contacts but he does switch to glasses when studying and other occasions!

A thing I found absolutely hilarious is that Yatora isn't that good with kids while Saeyoung is SKFBAJDHSJ we also know that Yatora sometimes cooks (to even avoid art block sometimes MSMSMS)

While Saeyoung doesn't really. Another thing they are total opposites about is that Yatora can consume alcohol (quite a lot too) and even smoke sometimes (usually when he feels horribly mentally but he doesn't do this that much now from what I've seen)

Even though he doesn't really get drunk, Yatora actually gets drunk from coffee for some reason AHAHAHAH- Yatora is also one of the best/smartest students in his school even if he messed around with his friends all day, it reminds me a lot of Saeyoung when he was studying back then!

I also love how much Yatora notices about the people around him. I'm guessing that Saeyoung probably does the same especially when he had to observe targets on missions as well. And can I just say how I ADORE that they both have yellow/gold eyes??? I could stare into their eyes forever HOLYYYY

I'm sure there's more stuff I missed but I will say these last ones~ Saeyoung is more outgoing while Yatora is quite shy and I found that really nice. Yatora kindaa goes wild if he is out drinking with friends but later on he is more calm. But it's really interesting how he can be quite timid at times.

Also Yatora's parents are really supporting and wholesome later on, it's really nice and sometimes really funny when I see them MSSMSMM while we know Saeyoung's is well.. yeah-

They do have some similarities but are total opposites to some stuff

I'll stop here but I'll probably come back when I remember more! I really wanna get back into writing self-inserts~ although I have other stuff to do first..^^"

Take care and rest well, Kait! We don't talk much but I really enjoy talking with you, I really hope you have been doing well. I hope you and Saeran rest in his garden and spend lots of great times together!

I do genuinely think it's interesting how we can find a way to allow our favorite characters to relate to each other as well as find the ways that they are different. It can be intriguing if only because it helps us better understand why we like those characters in the first place, and while you might find something that overlaps with another trait, you'll find that there is something else entirely there is well that the two of them may not have in common at all and you didn't expect to like a character like that.

I've definitely got a few like that.

I genuinely don't know what it is but people who enjoy Saeyoung… just end up liking other characters that can fish. I don't know how to explain this commonality but many people I know who like our red-headed hacker spend a lot of time somehow stumbling on to other characters who just happened to enjoy fishing for whatever reason.

I don't know what this means but apparently, it's just something that keeps happening these days. I actually don't know a lot of people in real life who enjoy fishing, but my God, what is it about fishing with these characters? 

I wish you all the luck in the world when it comes to learning another language because God knows that isn't easy in the slightest.

I struggle with English and that is my main and only language. Sometimes, words just look fake and I don't know what to do with that. But, I always commend people who are willing to go through the trouble of trying to learn another language. It takes a lot of time and commitment to be able to understand all of the rules that go into what makes communication click. 

I'm doing all right! focusing on all of the fun things I want to write about with Saeran because God knows I’m nowhere close to being done with him. He lives rent-free in my brain and he always will because I've been doing this for seven years straight and nothing’s stopping me. Hm, but as far as what I've been doing... I spend a lot of time in my RP Discord and working on my next fic!

Oh, and naps.

God knows I need a nap.

[glorified-red]

I understand consistency is important , but what if you continue to write poorly consistently because you don’t know how to improve?

at that point, do you ask someone to give feedback or sum

Ah yes, the woes of insanity.

Ever heard of the quote “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results"?

Yea, that's the root of the issue you're referring to. Consistency in writing does not equal writing the same way over and over again. Consistency in writing is consistently allowing yourself time to write.

If you find that you aren't improving, it's probably because you're not experimenting with your writing. Now I don't mean "try out new words or phrases!" I mean trying new ways of writing: switch perspectives, switch settings, try only writing in narration, try only writing in metaphors, try diagrams, try something new. It's gonna suck, that's the point.

But when you try new things you're forced to learn something, even if its not about the new thing you're trying and you learn about your habits. That alone will help you somehow.

When you step out of your comfort zone you tend to find out what your "comforts" are in your writing and it exposes your nasty habits that are probably holding you back from improving.

Recently I thought I was getting better at dialogue, I can write it, but why does it still suck when compared to other writers? Why can't I get better at it??

Then I tried writing a scene with only dialogue and it immedietly exposed the fact that my dialogue is short as fuck. I can barely write a character saying something longer than a sentence or two. You go out into the wild and people are spewing paragraphs at each other.

Since then I catch that habit every time I sit down and write, to the point where I have to force myself to come up with something more the characters could say. And that made SUCH a huge difference in my writing. Now conversations (altho still kinda sucky) seem more realistic instead of choppy.

I never would've realized that "comfort" of mine unless I tried something new. This is why writing exercises were made in the first place, not only to challenge writers and give them something to write, but to force them out of their little box of habits so they could see that those habits were holding them back.

Try new things. And if that still fails and you genuinely cannot for the life of you figure out whats going on, reach out to someone! Sometimes it can all be in your head so reaching out to someone might help where exercises can't.

[semperama]

24, 26

Answered 24!

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

Wow, this is a good question. I generally don't find that I have trouble getting INTO a character's head. The process of writing does that for me. Writing is, to me, the process by which I figure out what a given character would do in a given circumstance, if that makes sense. As I'm writing the words, I'm already inside the character. Every now and then I do catch myself writing something that I don't think the character would do, and I have to go back and delete stuff and try again until it feels more "right", but a lot of it is not a fully conscious process for me, at least not until the editing phase.

As far as getting OUT of a character's head, that can actually be difficult for me, especially after I just finish a long fic. Writing for a long time in one POV and then switching to a different one is hard, so I usually have to write some short things in between to kind of get myself used to writing other characters again. Otherwise I notice all my characters are too much the same.....which actually might be happening regardless, BUT I like to tell myself I'm working on it at least, haha.

Do I ever regret going into a character's head? Only when it ends up uncovering stuff in my own head! Lolol. It frequently happens as I'm writing that something comes up that hits too close to home for me. It might not be accurate to say that I regret it, because it can be really cathartic, but sometimes things do get a little TOO real. But I've never gotten so inside a character that I feel like I'm experiencing their trauma or anything like that.

[daybreakrising]

and now for my thoughts on 3.0

a summary in three words: i liked it

i think not paying too much attention to all the drip-fed info and not getting sucked into the hype in the lead up to release really played a part in my enjoyment of the story this time around. there was a little too much hype (as expected with anything new, i remember penacony being the same from what i saw on the dash at the time) but i think i was able to put that aside enough for it to not massively affect my mindset going in. as someone who gets put off very easily by overhyped things, not consuming every scrap of content fed to us (or coming to it later than most) really helps me to stay interested. i also think pacing myself through the story itself really helped - i was hurrying through penacony a little in an attempt to catch up/avoid spoilers and that definitely affected my enjoyment of it

anyway: story wise, i wasn't sure what to expect beyond the glimpses we got in trailers, and i was pleasantly surprised by how much i got drawn in once it got going. part of that is a weakness for ancient history vibes (sumeru's desert sucked me in for the same reason), and the visuals & music really helped to sell it to me for sure. it was the same with the bygone sea in genshin - the moment i saw the landscape and heard the music, i was sold.

overall pacing wise, i think it's mostly right. there were areas where i kinda got tired of constant combat because there were so many enemies around - and whilst the combat wasn't difficult by any means (thank you, jing yuan), it definitely stalled things a little too much now and then. of course, that's partly my own fault for wanting to explore literally everything instead of just doing what i needed to for the story to progress, but even so. idk maybe they just wanted you to get used to the new enemies?

i'm loving the puzzles, definitely more than the penacony puzzles - messing around with the terrain in amphoreus is less dizzying than penacony and i vibe with it more. again, possibly a few too many in one area now and then, but again i think that was entirely to get you used to how they work and the different things you can do with them, so i didn't mind that so much as the constant enemies.

and in general, the pacing of the story itself feels right, at least to me. there's some degree of yapping, but not too much (yet) - i've talked before about one of the reasons i didn't enjoy penacony as much is bc there was too much yapping which, whilst necessary for the plot, simply wasn't my thing and sometimes it was just hard to absorb everything being thrown at me. there was a fair bit to absorb in 3.0 but i feel like it was delivered in more manageable chunks (at least, for me). it's definitely added to the level of enjoyment i got from the story.

loving all the characters so far, too, and i'm very curious to learn more about them and about the ones we're yet to meet. aglaea wasn't how i thought she'd be (/positive) & mydei in particular is someone i went in not expecting (or trying not to) like too much and he surprised me, too. i'm so, so curious about all of them.

and of course i have a thousand questions about everything that went down in the latter half & cannot wait to see where those threads take us.

a final thing, possibly the only real negative i have (besides the abundance of enemies in already lengthy areas): the herta switch really threw me off. now i want to stress: i'm not complaining about the switch itself. it definitely had its place in the narrative and i enjoyed the glimpse into her & what she's up to, but my issue is that it felt really jarring to just suddenly switch over to her and then switch back. i mean, if that's what they were going for, then it worked beautifully. again, no complaints about getting to see and play as herta (i actually really enjoy her gameplay too) but the timing of the switch just felt off to me. feel free to disagree but that's my thought on the matter.

actually one other slight complaint that has nothing to do with the actual story or mechanics: some of the audio levels felt unbalanced at times. i've never had to go in and tweak the audio before, but particularly during the first scene we meet mydei, the music was either too loud or the voices too quiet and i barely heard a thing mydei said over the music. he's had some quiet lines here and there even after i lowered the music volume so i'm not sure if it's just how he delivered those particular lines, but... pls hoyo, my audio processing is bad enough as it is-

[ringtownrangerlark]

Gourgeist Festival

So, the Gourgeist Festival is not particularly celebrated in Fiore, since it's a Kalosian holiday.

However, in elementary school, there were days we learned about different regions and their customs. When little six-year-old me found out there was a holiday where one could dress up as a pokemon, I apparently got so excited (and/or so tantrum-throwingly devastated at the thought of not celebrating it) that I insisted on doing so.

My parents, bless them, were supportive. Now, since the Gourgeist Festival wasn't local, we couldn't just head down to the nearest department store and buy a pre-made pokemon costume. One of our neighbors in Ringtown, a woman named Mrs. Sarto, was a tailor. She was the one that did most of the measuring and designing and sewing, and became part of the tradition for years. My first costume that year was a Taillow. My dad, always a birder, got super into getting the little details right. I think there were individual feather markings that he copied after one of the neighborhood wild taillow that he would watch.

[Photo: A picture of Lark, age 6. They are wearing a bird costume with wings that attach at the arms. It is dark blue on the top and white on the underside. A few of the feathers are detailed with small spots or bands of coloration. Lark has dark blue socks on, as well as a red bandana around their neck, and a blue-and-red knit cap with the taillow head pattern. They have a yellow beak attached with a string around their face. The fabric of the costume has two long tails dangling down the back, the tips just barely trailing the floor.]

The next year I was a Spinarak. Sometimes I re-used costumes, but I'd also switch it up. From the ages of 10-12, I just kept adjusting the same Rockruff costume. I got Sedge at 10 and I liked matching, and the adults found it precious. As I got into my teen years I gradually developed enough skill to start doing parts of the design and costuming process myself. I can handle it solo now, though I still don't think I'm as good as Mrs. Sarto was, and I rely on some closet cosplay of altering clothing rather than making it from scratch. Trying unique things every year has become and increasingly fun part of the challenge. I'm not 100% sure, but I don't think I've repeated a costume since I was 18.

Last year around this time, I had just come to Paldea and was a little swamped getting settled. I'm pretty sure I was catching an Iron Thorns the day of the festival. So all I did was a very minimal closet costume that I didn't really get to show off:

[Photo: Lark taking a mirror selfie in their bedroom. They are wearing long tan pants and a yellow hoodie. The hood is pulled up and cinched tight, hiding their hair. They have swim fins/flippers on, and have used eyeliner to draw spirals around/over their closed eyes. The arm not holding the phone is out like a psyduck waddling.]

So that's last year's minimal effort. But this year I'm ready! And I can't wait to show you all what I've prepared.

[luminousvision]

look again sometime

“Good for her,” I said. A concert poster with a serious violinist flapped lightly in the breeze. Curly brown hair, the small mouth, and twinkling green eyes behind thin-rimmed glasses: she was still the same, perfect girl.

“She’s a genius,” said a boy holding a shiny instrument case. “Have you listened to her play?”

“Who?”

“Peahr. Michele Peahr.”

“Never heard of her,” I said.

“She used to be a student here. An inspiration, honestly.”

The wind scraped a heap of yellow and orange leaves across the asphalt.

“You study music too?” he asked.

I gave him a look. “What makes you say that?”

“Nobody else looks at concert posters that way.”

I turned before he could see my face and went straight to class.

Staring at the professor, I thought very hard about serialism and everything wrong with post-tonal music. I then went to the dining hall where I paid particular attention to my pasta, grilled chicken, and garlic bread. Ensemble started in an hour, but I was not in the mood, so I went back to the dorms instead.

I passed by the mailboxes, where by some coincidence, I found that same damn concert poster. I nearly stuffed it back into the box, but noticed an attached post-it. It had her bubbly handwriting. All thanks to you. I hope you’ll come. Thanks to me? I threw it into the recycling bin next to me but then thought better of it and fished it out.

At my room, I looked at the post-it again. She thought of me after all these years. The paper smelled like her too. I undressed, turned off the lights, climbed into bed, and thought about her as I began to ease the tension from the day.

There were five knocks on the door. “Can’t even get thirty seconds,” I grumbled. “Hang on,” I shouted, putting on some clothes. I hopped out of bed and opened the door, squinting at the bright hallway.

“Hey!” My friend Andrew looked concerned. “Are you okay, man?” Richard was behind him. There was another boy I hadn’t met before.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“There’s a party at the Corner House. You should come.”

“I don’t feel good.”

“That’s because you don’t have any girls in your life. Let’s go.”

I stood there for a second. “All right, give me a minute.”

On our way there, Richard and I walked several paces behind Andrew and his friend.

“How’s teaching?” he asked me.

“Could be worse. Kids these days don’t practice enough.”

“You should inspire them to practice more,” Richard said.

“Ha ha, you’re funny.”

“Well, you’re the one complaining.”

“Oh, shut up. Performance majors get brain damage from how much they have to practice. They’re all socially incompetent. I’m glad I switched.”

“Yeah, good thing you aren’t socially incompetent,” he said. We both laughed.

“Come on,” I said.

Andrew waved at us to catch up so we walked a bit faster.

“But yeah,” Richard said, “they basically think about nothing else.”

“Well, you’re at the top or you’re just another starving musician.”

We arrived at the corner house, the one with psychedelic windows and bass pulsing through the sidewalk concrete. Andrew and his friend disappeared as soon as we walked in. I presumed they left to drop off the beers they brought. Richard hollered, waving to someone and heading a different direction. I wandered. I couldn’t hear myself think over the music.

I found the drinks and grabbed a red cup. I was surprised but grateful to see some apple juice. I poured a cup full. I passed by a crowded table with a complicated game. There were two spinners and dozens of shot glasses arranged in intricate patterns. My eyes went to a short girl with glasses and straight dark hair leaning against the wall, watching the game, cup in hand.

“Aren’t you playing?” I asked her.

“I’ve had enough to drink,” she said, looking at the table. “Why don’t you try?”

“I can’t even figure out what they’re doing. Do I need a few drinks to get it?”

“My, my, you sound excited to be here.”

I laughed. “My friends dragged me out. Why not?”

“Then you might as well have fun, right?” She took a drink from her cup. “Alyssa says I should live a bit more. That’s her with the purple streaks.”

She vaguely gestured toward a tall blonde who took a shot and laughed, raising her head above the others. She put her glass down next to four empty ones.

“What do you study?” I asked.

“Great pick-up.” She laughed.

“I can’t help it. I’m a boring person.”

“Honesty is a fine quality. It’s okay. I study literature.”

“English lit?”

“Yes, unfortunately.”

“Unfortunately?”

The girl made a sweeping gesture with her free hand. “People drool over the sloppiest sentences to ever land on a page. There are no truths. Only opinions.” She waved her hand, as if she were doodling in the air.

“You could switch majors.”

“I’m not good for anything else.”

A boy was trying to balance a shot glass on the center of one of the spinners. We watched him struggle.

“How about you? What do you study?”

“Music,” I said. “Not good for much else either.”

“Those aren’t my words, by the way. You should give some credit.”

“What?”

She turned and laughed at the wall. “Of course. I quote dumb shit and think it’s clever. Anyway. What do you play?”

“Uh—violin.”

“My my, an artist. You like it?”

“I haven’t thought about that. It’s complicated.”

A loud hurrah rose from the table.

“I know my fair share of unhappy violinists,” she said, looking toward the table. She took a sip from her cup.

“I didn’t say I was unhappy.”

“Calm down, I’m just kidding.”

I shrugged angrily and didn’t say anything.

“That girl worries me,” she said, shaking her head.

“Too much to drink?”

“Maybe tonight. But no. It’s that we both study English but she has no self-awareness. Maybe I’d be better off living in my own world about it.”

I didn’t understand what she meant.

“Could you watch her for a minute? I’ll be right back.”

“Are you getting a drink? I can get you one.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not running away,” she said. I thought she smiled at me.

So I stood there, ostensibly taking care of someone I did not know. Alyssa laid down flat on the floor, blissfully forgetful, eyes fully open to the warmth of her world. There’s something so innocent about being able to set aside all perspective for a minute and focus on just about nothing at all. Whether I’m eating lunch, bored in class, or on the toilet, it’s hard to avoid thinking of yourself as a point on a line, headed toward some other point that we may or may not reach depending on our choices. But that laugh: you can only laugh like that if you’ve managed to forget that reality.

I looked at my phone. I felt stupid and went to the next room. Then I went upstairs. I didn’t see the girl. I stepped outside and texted Richard that I had a headache. I stared at the sidewalk leading away from the Corner House, taking one clumsy step after another. All that apple juice. I didn’t even get the girl’s name. I was halfway to the dorms before realizing I had abandoned Alyssa. Somehow I managed to get only that name instead.

—

“You want a freshman in your quartet?” I asked.

“I want a good violinist,” Michele said.

“I’m not a good violinist.”

“But you watch me. You’re listening to me. Nobody else in ensemble does that.”

My face turned red. “I’m just playing my part.”

“Want to join us? We’re playing Ravel’s. Elise has copies if you don’t have it.”

I nodded in disbelief. Michele Peahr, second chair, wanted me on violin.

“We have room one-thirty-four on Thursdays at seven. See you then.”

“Wait. Michele.” She turned around.

I hesitated, but still asked the question. “Why do you always look so serious when you play?”

“What, do you expect me to make faces?”

—

I gathered with some of my friends picking classes for winter quarter.  I could sign up for another quarter of violin, but wasn’t a performance major anymore. I held up my phone, checked the box next to jazz composition, thought about how it looked, and then unchecked it. A graduate class in analysis? Check, uncheck. Contemporary theory. Check, uncheck.

“They have conducting this quarter!” Qian said. “But I have ensemble and I’m behind on theory.”

“Just do jazz orchestra with me next quarter,” Richard said. “You in, Lenny?”

“Maybe.” I scrolled down. “I don’t get better in orchestra though.”

“Of course you do. It’s just a different skill. You’re still thinking like a performance major.”

“I don’t blame you,” Leslie said, who had been quiet for a while. She stuck her fork in her salad and spun it around like she was wrapping pasta. “It’s hard to give that up.”

“That stressful life is not for me,” Qian said, finishing his soup.

“I don’t think any of these classes automatically make you a better violinist anyway, Lenny,” Richard said. “At the end of the day, it comes down to you in the practice room.”

“Twenty hours a week in the practice room. Five credits. Easy quarter,” Leslie said. Qian laughed.

“Just take advanced violin again,” Richard said.

“What’s the point? I know what Marin is going to say. It’s not even like he can do much for me. I don’t even know why I’m in school. I’m in school because everyone else is in school.”

“What are you going to do without teachers?” Leslie asked.

“Not worry about grades,” I spat. “If I just had the guts to make it as a violinist without a stupid sheet of paper, I’d drop out tomorrow.”

They looked down at my hands. All the contents of my burger had slid out onto my plate. I put it down.

“You think about this an awful lot,” Qian said. “I don’t know man, maybe you should see a counselor or something.”

I clicked my tongue. “Jazz composition it is,” I said. I checked the box and hit submit.

“Are you sure? Don’t you have to go in person to change that?” Richard asked.

“It’s fine. Doesn’t really matter anyway,” I said. I took my disassembled burger to the dish return and went straight to the practice rooms without my instrument. I listened to a cellist and then a pianist. It wasn’t the same.

—

“Lenny! What are you doing here?”

I jumped, knocking my violin case onto the floor. Michele’s small head poked out of the practice room.

“I—I was just listening,” I said.

“It’s four A.M.,” she said.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s okay, but next time—never mind, it’s okay.”

She went back inside. I heard her pack her instruments and books. “I’ll see you around,” she said.

“Michele, you never play like that. Not in ensemble, not in practice. I’ve never heard anyone play like that.”

“Play like what?” She blinked.

“Like—,“ I began, but couldn’t put the words together. I clenched my hands into fists. “If you can play like that, you know how good you are. You should be first chair. Forget that—why are you even in school? You’re better than the performance graduates.”

I had never seen her so close to a smile. “I haven’t thought about that,” she said, pausing to study the hallway. “It’s complicated.”

I was lost for words. “What are you hiding?” I shouted eventually, but she had already pushed through the main doors.

—

I found the girl I had met at the Corner House a few weeks later. She was sitting at a small table by the student center. She held a sandwich, flipping through a stack of papers.

“So, how’s Alyssa doing?” I asked.

She gave me a confused look for a second before her expression sprang with recognition.

“Hey, you’re the one who ran away.”

“What? You’re the one who left and never came back.”

“I came back and you were gone.”

I laughed, but it carried an edge of bitterness. I took a slow breath. “Mind if I join you? By the way, my name is Lenny.”

“I never got your name, did I? I’m Natalie. You’re welcome to join me, but I’m sour company when I get my grades back,” she said.

“How bad could it be?”

“Look at these two,” she said, handing me two packets, maybe ten pages each. I pulled at the flimsy aluminum chair and sat down.

“They’re both A’s,” I said.

“Yes, but read them. The one on the left is ok.”

My eye caught on her name at the top of the page. She kept talking but I couldn’t pay attention.

“The one on your right is awful,” she said. “I’m ashamed of it. A’s? I don’t know what’s worse, an A on that or the same grade on the other.”

I could not take my eyes off the page.

“Natalie,“ I began, “are you—do you know Michele Peahr?”

“Oh, I forgot you played violin. Of course you’d know her. Yeah, she’s my sister.”

I nodded, finally looking up from the papers. “You two look alike.”

She gave me a half-smile and looked at her hands. “I get that a lot. But what do you think? About the papers I mean.”

I gave a gentle shrug. “I’m no good at this stuff. I’m a musician.”

“Oh come on. Art is art.”

“You talk like Michele too.”

She put her sandwich down and narrowed her eyes. “Who—were you friends with her?”

“Maybe. I could never tell. We talked a bit.”

Natalie tilted her head and studied me.

“What?” I said, blinking.

“My my. It’s okay, you wouldn’t be the first.” Natalie said, her eyes on the table. “She’s really something else, even I’ll admit that.”

I could feel myself flushing. “No, it wasn’t like that.”

“Of course it wasn’t. It never is.”

Natalie picked up her sandwich and took a bite. I pretended to wave at someone I knew. She frowned at her papers.

“I barely knew her,” I said. “Michele just got up and disappeared one day. I mostly remember her as the drop out.”

“Did she ever talk to you about that?” Natalie asked sharply.

“Dropping out? No. Why?”

“I don’t know. This was awhile ago, maybe a year back. I was complaining about grades and she just looked at me like she didn’t understand why I put up with it. Michele had some insufferable logic behind it. She kept saying, well, of course, if you think you know better, why hang around? What are you learning that you can’t teach yourself? My my, I couldn’t argue with her. It was all so sudden. She loved school.”

I looked down at my legs which were beginning to fall asleep. I pressed my feet into the concrete.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I wonder where she got that idea,” I said.

“Who knows. But I’ll say, she became a different person, leaving school. She seemed happy for the first time in her life. My my, if she was a good violinist before that, she was incredible after.”

I scratched the table with a fingernail.

She finished the rest of her sandwich and sighed. “Well, just one more year of putting up with this.” She held up her papers, scowling.

“Michele didn’t do that,” I said. The harsh edge in my voice surprised me, but it didn’t seem to surprise her.

“No, no she didn’t,” Natalie said. “But we’re not all Micheles, now are we?” she added quietly. She clicked her pen on the table.

“We’re not,” I eventually said.

I said I had work to finish and stood up. The chair grated against the concrete. She waved. We looked at each other a bit too long, waiting for the other to say something. I turned first. As I left, I could see her flipping through her papers too quickly to be reading them.

—

“Have you ever seen the person stuck inside?” Michele asked.

“What?”

“Inside the violin. Someone turns a string into this.” She played the main theme of the first movement.

I just looked at her.

She ran her hands through her curly hair which bounced back into place. 

“Just look inside if you don’t believe me,” she said. She closed one eye and lifted her violin up to the other. She really looked into it. Then she held her violin out to me.

I gingerly took it. I had never touched her instrument before. It felt like her hands were against mine. Automatically, I squinted into an f-hole. It was quite dark. I lowered the instrument and looked at her.

“I don’t see anything,” I said.

“Look again sometime,” she said. “Maybe, one day, they will run free.” I glanced at the instrument and then back at her, blinking. 

As we were packing to leave, I looked inside in my violin. It was black and I felt stupid. Michele, still holding her bow, lightly played the main theme of the first movement again. Her eyes were unfocused, staring right through the sheet music in front of her.

—

I looked up at the hall, legs shaking, unable to decide whether I had been awaiting or dreading this moment. I pulled out my phone. Thirty minutes. The elderly couple ahead took their tickets.

“One student for the violin concerto please,” I managed to say evenly.

“We still have some availability in the mezzanine.”

“The balcony is fine. Just not the far back.”

I went straight to my seat, but with the dim lighting, I soon fell asleep.

My old front door appeared. I was on the foyer, violin in hand. You should play outside, mom said, nudging me forward. I didn’t see the point. But I stood on the porch and placed my instrument under my chin. The sun splashed on its shine and made me squint. I couldn’t read sheet music in the bright light so I played a minuet from memory. Halfway through, a small bird, perhaps a sparrow, perched on the music stand. A bird had never come so close before. It listened to the rest of my minuet, then an etude, and then most of another piece before it flew away. I played outside the next day and the day after that too.

I woke up to the world exploding with applause. The lights focused on the orchestra and the rest of the hall dimmed. A square cutout of the wooden backstage slid aside revealing a black rectangle. In walked Michele wearing a velvety blue dress, violin in hand. Her curly hair waved gently with her stride.

This was not the Michele I remembered. Michele never smiled. Yet she took such care in that note, inking those bubbly letters after all these years. All thanks to you. Did I really do something? No. I had never told her anything she did not already know.

Yet here she was, smiling on stage, radiant. I covered my mouth with shaking hands, but my god, I couldn’t stop myself. She hadn’t even lifted her instrument yet. What was wrong with me? I took a deep breath and held it. Somehow, I already knew—this was going to be different.