moon-browed

[moon-browed]

I'm feeling like crawling into a cocoon And sleep through the winter of my life Dissolving into my barest essentials And wait until something better comes out of me I know that growing is violent But God I hope that it is also gentle and soft

I need life to be soft

I never feel that I am where I am supposed to This is not what I thought my life would be I can only hope that this pain is for the better I can only hope that the loneliness and ache will bear fruit so sweet That cavities will destroy my teeth And I'll smile an empty grin Saying it was worth it

[moon-browed]

Oh but why does it feel like

I'm asking for a favor

when I am asking to be loved?

Why does it feel like a plea,

like a shameful admission of guilt,

one that I promise I will make up for?

[moon-browed]

19

And yes I know you have to move away at some point but maybe don't move too far? And I guess I'm asking of you to send me some pictures when you'll be away on your conferences because you know the pink sky is my favorite. You remember, right, the story of when I was little.

Do you remember?

What I'm trying to say is that I do still hate phone calls but I would always pick up if it was you calling. And maybe what I want to say is that there are songs that I cannot listen to anymore but still I press play sometimes because I guess the pain of remembering is better than the numbness of forgetting, and in my memories I still hold you in my arms and I am still alive and your eyes hide between the beats and I guess that makes me feel a little less alone.

And I do feel safe in your arms, I promise, my secret is that I don't flinch at the sounds exactly I flinch because the sounds remind me there's a world out there and that world is a place where I am away from you which is to say a world I don't want to be a part of. Maybe that is a little dramatic?

And yes of course I'm glad you have survived this so I think what I keep getting stuck on is that maybe I don't want to survive you or at least I won't be glad if I do but I can't say that right that's silly right that's just so childish and maybe it's just my suicidal ideation right and honestly maybe I should talk to someone about this, right?

I guess all I can do is keep the scar as a souvenir.

Journey before destination but what if I didn't care about the destination in the first place? And I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have written poems and every word seems to be about you and I guess what I'm asking is if I were to show you would this maybe become clearer or would it just add to the muddiness of it? And I guess what I'm asking is that if you knew about the poems would you want to read them and why? And maybe just maybe it makes me a little sad that you might never see them because what is art if the muse is already halfway through the door? And I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I am all over the place and what kind of writer loses their prose and mixes up words for feelings and full stops for semicolons? Oh but please you must forgive me because my mind now races at the speed of your heartbeat and thinks with the rhythm of your laughter and maybe that could be okay, please please please let it be okay.

And yes the time is borrowed and we were out of it the moment I felt how it feels to caress your cheek but I think I'll never forget the precise brown of your eyes and I have counted the white hairs on your head and keep the number as a lucky charm and that must count for something.

And you once told me that you would love me no matter what so excuse me if I lose my thoughts in the crevices of your dimples but I can't help but shake a little as I carve my heart out and present it to you, this frail and wretched and soft and silly little thing of mine but I guess it's my fault that it leapt to you, and what are you even supposed to do with such a thing either way?

I don't know what I want or what I'm asking of you but I do know that I'm scared I'm so scared because I fear that if you looked at me like you could maybe love me, I may even drop everything and howl at your door a poor man. Or maybe I won't, but in the moments of my hesitation you'll be able to see it in my eyes. And I know, I know we are just pretending, we pretend we don't see the big dead end sign glaring at us below the night lights and we blame it on the speed at which we are traveling and we tell ourselves a good joke to keep our minds off of it so I guess what I am trying to say is that I would still ask you to take your foot off the gas and lock the doors.

[moon-browed]

Atheist's Poem

If reincarnation is real And my soul has wandered the earth For hundreds of lifetimes I know I have loved you in all of them

The way my hands fit in yours The way your body hugs mine The way your lips kiss my lips

If I had to name divinity If God had to be placed on earth It would be in the way my heart loves yours Levitating between sweet oaths And intertwined pinkies

Everyone has stardust in their veins And you, my star It seems you have lent a bit of yours to mine