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hyunniesgirl · 9 months

Text

Tease

Pairing: Changbin x fem!reader

Summary: tired of months of teasing, Changbin just wants to have you and he's going to do anything to make you his.

Or, the one where you were kink shamed and can't trust sexual partners anymore, until Changbin shows up and sweeps you off your feet.

Words count: 4,281

Warnings: dom!Changbin, sub!reader, throat fucking, slaps(?), degradation, oral(f & m receiving), spit, use of pet names(bunny, baby), reader is called names(whore), unprotected sex(use protection irl), let me know if I forgot something

A/N: as usual let me say that I can't write smut to save my life, but I got this idea a few weeks ago and left it in my drafts, then I received this ask and I thought it fits so yeah that's it

This content is 18+, minors do NOT interact

The first time you had sex, was weird. You thought that maybe it was always like that, maybe you really wouldn't feel much pleasure on your first time.

Then, your second and third time came and you noticed you didn't feel the same way your friends told you they felt during sex. Even though you were attracted and even loved the people you slept with, you just didn't come, you didn't enjoy having sex.

That was, until a guy you dated slapped you, while trying to change positions. Although it was unintentional, that was the first time you ever moaned for real while having sex with another person. You two stopped for a moment, him trying to process what just happened and you coming to a realization: maybe, you were just going about sex the wrong way, maybe you didn't explore your options enough.

You began researching, reading about kinks and whatnot. You asked your boyfriend for help, you wanted to try new things and after that, sex was finally good. You finally understood what your friends were talking about when they told you about their sex lives.

However, that didn't last for long. Your boyfriend was not as nice of a guy as you thought. You found out he actually shared every bit of your kinks with his friends, calling you weird and saying he just went along with it because you were attractive enough.

He left his phone unlocked while going to the bathroom and you saw a text of his friends, making fun of you and the things you like.

It's an understatement to say you were left traumatized after that relationship. You know there's absolutely nothing wrong with what you like in bed, but to trust someone again was too hard.

You were so afraid of going through the same thing again so you just stopped dating altogether.

With that being said, you didn't stop teasing. That is the only thing you can have while still not sleeping with men, so you enjoy making them suffer. Leave them hard and hanging, that's your thrill.

They would all give up in a bit, a few weeks of teasing, without actually sleeping with them was enough for them to be done with you.

Until you met him.

You knew you wanted Changbin since the first time you laid eyes on him. He's just so attractive you think you could cum just by looking at him flexing his muscles. He's big, so big he could probably break you in half if you let him.

You don't know what is it about him. You felt attracted to other guys like him before, gym bros are not usually your type but some catch your eye once in a while. However, Changbin has something more, he's not just hot. He's funny, a great dancer and he's just so sure about his masculinity that he doesn't see it necessary to keep reiterating it all the time like other guys do.

You still decided not to sleep with him, you are part of the same friend group, so he knows everyone you do. You really don't think he's the type to brag about his feats in bed but if he ever ended up being like your ex boyfriend, you would never be able to look at your friends again.

You are not ashamed of your preferences, but at the same time it's just something so intimate you wish only you and your partner would know about it.

You thought he would give up like the others, maybe in a month he would get over it and stop trying to win you over. But you were wrong, it's been months already and you're stuck in this cat and mouse situation with no sign of him letting go.

It all started when you met the boys for the first time. Your best friend, Ryunjin, talked all the time about these guys she met at a party, how they became super close and that you'd love them.

It was Ryunjin’s birthday, so you met them at a restaurant. Your eyes scanned through all of the boys when you arrived, they were all too good looking, is it even possible for a whole friend group of seven people to all be so damn attractive?

“Wait, seven? Didn't Ryunjin say they were eight?”

You felt a hand slightly touching your back, turning around to find kind eyes staring right back at you.

“Are you going to sit, miss?” He asked.

“Y-yes”, you stuttered, trying to compose yourself.

“Why were you so late?” Ryunjin asked, you're not sure if she's speaking to you or the guy.

“Traffic was insane”, you two answered together, snapping your heads to look at each other, smiling playfully.

“I'm Changbin, by the way”, he said, pointing at the empty seat and pulling the chair for you to sit.

“I'm y/n”, you answered shyly, seeing him sitting by your side even though there were plenty of seats available closer to his friends.

As you drank a bit through the night, you caught his lingering eyes on you too many times and you're sure he caught you eyeing him up too. He made jokes, throwing his arms to the back of your chair and coming closer to you.

The amount of times you just wanted to tell him to take you home was actually crazy, no man ever made you feel that way. The warmth you felt when he got close to you was something hard to explain, you felt all your insides turning around and your pussy was throbbing just by feeling his breath hitting on your skin when he turned in your direction to speak to you.

You were able to escape that night, forcing yourself to say goodbye and walk away with all the willpower you had in you.

Things didn't stop there, though. It became usual for you to hangout with the guys. They are always so nice and cheerful, it's great being around them.

Changbin is always close to you, making jokes so he can see your beautiful smile, taking the opportunity to touch you at every chance he gets. Sometimes he'll put his hand on your lower back while walking with you, other times he'll touch your arms while talking. If you are eating together, he'll nonchalantly lick his finger and press it to the corner of your mouth to clean the mess you made on your face, like that's not the hottest shit a man can do.

He's just always there, the first one to hug you when you arrive, the one who walks you to your car or uber when the night is over. His clothes are the ones you sleep in when they invite you to a sleepover and to say you don't have wet dreams all the time, while sleeping embraced by his scent, it would be a lie.

"Why don't you just fuck him?" Ryunjin asks, while you eye fuck Changbin from the other side of the room. You're in a corner of his living room, there's music playing in the background while everyone is waiting for the food you all ordered. He's looking so good with a black tight t-shirt that outlines all his muscles and baggy sweats that do little to hide his nice ass. You're probably drooling at this point.

“You know why”, you tell her, Ryunjin knows all about your bad experiences.

“You've known him for months now, it's obvious he's not like that prick of your ex”, she says and you nod, you do know it.

“It's just hard”, you sigh. Trusting someone again over something so delicate to you is difficult.

“Yeah, I get it”, she smiles sympathetically to you. “But you know he'll reach his limit at some point, right?”

“I don't know what you're talking about”, you say, looking at her with doe eyes and an angelic smile.

“You know exactly what I'm talking about”, Ryunjin rolls her eyes, “you've been playing this teasing game for a while and he'll get sick of it at some point”

It's true that you've been enjoying yourself since you noticed his interest in you and you did what you do best, tease.

You touch him all the time, while his touches are subtle and shy, you're much more obvious about it. You play with his hair when you're sitting close to each other, a leg over his. He's so respectful, his hands never go above your knees. You shamelessly touch his biceps, squeezing them while biting on your lips, oh how you wish this man would put you in a headlock with said biceps.

Every time you touch him, he gets horny, it's a spontaneous reaction that only you could cause. It never happened to him before, he dreams about the dirty things he could do to you. You're so fragile, so beautiful, he wants to ruin you, break you so no one would ever want you, then you'd be his forever.

While you're indeed afraid he'll get sick of your antics, Changbin is sure he'll never give up. He wanted you since the first moment your eyes locked with his and he'll make you his, no matter how long it takes.

"Wait", you say too loudly as soon as WAP starts playing, "THAT'S MY JAM", you grab Ryunjin's hand, making her stand up to dance with you.

You sing along, watching some of the boys coming up to you two, dancing around and laughing at your excitement.

Turning around, you look at the kitchen, seeing Changbin leaning against the counter, watching you. He would usually join the dance, but not tonight, his eyes are fixated on you, making you feel like you two are the only people in the room.

He has only a beer in his hand, a smirk on his lips and dirty thoughts in his mind. He decides that tonight you're going to pay for all the times you left him hard just for the fun of it.

You have no idea what's in store for you, so you keep teasing him, sliding your hands down your body, rolling your hips, staring shamelessly at Changbin.

You look around for a bit, making sure no one’s looking at your little scene. It's crazy how this song just makes you feel — horny and needy for someone that will really put you in your place. You sigh, looking back at Changbin, he's still watching you, a frown on his face now. He's muttering something you obviously can't hear because of the distance but his eyes are dark like you have never seen before.

The music ends leaving you satisfied with the results. Changbin is still staring at you, or better, eyefucking you.

The food you ordered doesn't take too long to arrive, so you sit happily at the table with everyone, talking like you didn't just make him get as hard as a rock just from your dancing. He feels like he's losing his mind, you're too much for him already and he didn't even fuck you yet.

You go to the bathroom before going home, you're kinda sleepy already so you want to wash your face so you won't fall asleep in the uber.

After throwing some water on your face, you stare at yourself in the mirror for a moment. You're such a coward, you wish you had the courage to make a move on Changbin for real.

Sighing, you get yourself together, opening the door ready to go home and forget this whole night. You didn't expect to bump into the man you so much desire right outside, leaning on the wall with his muscular arms crossed in front of his chest.

You flinch at the look he gives you, the smile that grows on his lips is everything but friendly, so on instinct you take a step back.

“H-hey”, you say, trying to recompose yourself. “Do you want to use the bathroom?” You step outside, awkwardly, leaving room for him to go inside.

“I sent everyone home”, he takes a deep breath, walking towards you. “Now it's just you and me, I think it's time for us to talk”

“Aren't we already doing that?” You laugh, sheepishly, stepping back again only to bump in the wall.

Changbin tsks, putting his hands on your waist and pressing his body against yours.

“It's time for you to stop playing games, bunny”, he tells you, he's too close, his nose is almost touching yours. “You fucked around enough already”

You feel the air get stuck in your throat, what are you going to do now? Your mind can't think of a way to get out of this situation and you feel like if you reject him now, it's over. You don't want it to be over, you want him so badly it's crazy.

Changbin sees the opening he needs, you're considering his proposition.

“Let me make you feel good, hm? I've been wanting you for so long, let me have you”, he continues, trying to persuade you. “I promise you won't regret it”

You can feel his hard cock pressing against your stomach, you want to let him do anything to you. The problem is the consequences later, but you decide to let the y/n of the future to handle that, you just want him to fuck you senseless right now.

You take a deep breath, nodding and in a split of a second his lips are on yours, hungrily attacking your poor mouth. He's being too harsh, you know he doesn't mean to hurt you and the way you can feel how much he wants this makes you more turned on.

He slides his hands from your waist to your hips, pulling you away from the wall so he can grab your ass. He squeezes it, groaning, it's so good to finally have you. Oh, the things he wants to do to you.

Changbin taps twice on your thighs, holding you tightly so you can wrap your legs around his hips. He carries you all the way to his room without disconnecting his mouth from yours, you're not sure how you didn't have to stop yet so you could breathe.

As soon as he gets closer to his bed, he bites your lower lip. He throws you on the bed, taking his shirt off. His body is so much better than you imagined, his chest looks like it was sculpted by an artist.

He climbs on the bed, leaning over you and brushing his nose on yours, softly caressing your cheek, taking your hair out of your face.

"Why did you take so long to let me have you, hm?" He leans more, kissing your collarbone and biting your shoulder, making you flinch.

"I was scared", you whisper, closing your eyes to the sensation of his lips on your skin.

"Did you think I would hurt you?" He asks, worriedly, hands coming instantly to cup your face.

"No, I know you wouldn't", you sigh, "I just had some really bad experiences with other people and was scared”

He's relieved he was not the one you were afraid of, but at the same time he's angry, he wants to know who's the asshole who made you feel bad about yourself.

"I won't do anything you don't want to, bunny", he gives a peck on your lips, "let's go slowly, hm? I'll do a bit of everything and you can tell me if I should go further or slow down, alright?"

You nod, feeling one of his hands sliding slowly from your face to your scalp, grabbing a handful of your hair and pulling it slightly.

"Should I keep going?" He asks in a whisper, already knowing your answer by the way your lips parted and your cheeks reddened.

"Yes, please", you plead, looking him in the eyes and seeing a smirk grow on his lips.

“Tell me, bunny, do you want me to be rough? Or do you want me to be soft?”

You stare at him for a bit, he's looking at you so intently, waiting for your answer. You never thought someone would ask you this question, ask how they could make you feel good.

“Rough”, you blush, avoiding his gaze. He grabs your face, squeezing your cheeks harshly.

"That's good”, he gives a peck on your pouting lips, “because you deserve a punishment for all the times I had to jerk off by myself thinking of you", he points out, pulling your hair harder and making you moan, leaving your neck exposed. He takes the opportunity, leaning closer and licking the bare skin, sucking and biting it hard. After making sure he marked you, Changbin sits.

"Undress", he tells you while he watches you, sitting comfortably on the bed. When you don't move, he scoffs. "Or should I rip your clothes apart? I don't mind", he smirks and you look down to your expensive new dress, you actually would like him to rip your clothes, but not this one.

So you shake your head, taking off your dress. You try covering yourself a bit, feeling too exposed. You're wearing only your panties since you didn't need a bra for that dress.

"You look so beautiful bare and ready for me", he says, grabbing your hand and pulling you closer to the edge of the bed.

"Sit here, bunny", he says, tapping the place by his side. "Tell me, how do you think I should punish you?"

"I- I don't know"

He frowns, smiling slightly.

"Are you sure?"

"Whatever you want", you say, feeling the warmth grow in your cheeks. "You can do anything you want."

Changbin sucks in the air between his teeth, a big smile on his face.

"I like the sound of that", he chuckles, lifting his hand to your face and squeezing it, "now before we can finally start, tell me if there's anything you don't want tonight"

You take a deep breath, looking deep into his eyes.

"There's nothing, I'll tell you if I feel uncomfortable", you say confidently.

"Hm, I like it. You're so good for me, baby", he stands up, taking off his sweats and underwear, sitting back with his legs open. He's so hard and pretty, you even salivate looking at his cock.

"Get on your knees", he commands and you do just that, feeling the hardwood scratching your skin. "Come here and open your mouth for me okay? I want you to show me how sorry you are for making me wait for so long"

You nod, lifting your shaky hands to grab the base of his cock, you're not sure how much you'll be able to fit in your mouth but the simple thought of sucking him makes your excitement drip from your cunt. Changbin puts his hands on the bed, looking at you with a condescending smile, just waiting.

You lean closer, wrapping his cock with your mouth, making him groan. You lick his shaft all the way up to his leaking head, twirling with your tongue at the top.

“Fuck”, he says, bringing one of his hands to your head, grabbing a fistful of your hair and forcing you down. You feel the tears brimming in your eyes, your throat is burning with the assault. “Look at you, looking so pretty gagging on my cock”

You moan, feeling your core aching, your hand slides involuntarily to your clit trying to have some release. His cock hits the back of your throat once again, making the tears run through your cheeks, you try to catch your breath but he keeps fucking your mouth violently.

“Oh my”, he smiles, “are you touching yourself? Did I say you could do that?” He asks condescendingly, “I guess whores can't help themselves”

He releases your hair, finally letting you breathe.

“So you like the pain, right? I have so many things in store for you”, he gets closer.

You're too intoxicated, eyes glossy from the tears and lips swollen. Your mascara is smudged all over your face.

“Are you okay?” He asks, taking your face into his hands once more, making you look at him, “do you want to keep going?”

You nod, frantically. “Yes, please”

He smiles satisfied, pushing you on the bed. Changbin kisses your feet, trailing softly over your legs, all the way up to your thighs. He leans over, biting the inside of your thigh, earning a whimper from you. Leaning over your pussy, he doesn't waste time, eagerly sucking on your clit and licking long stripes between your folds. Your hands automatically go to his head, pulling him closer to your core.

He inserts a finger inside you, looking up to see your beautiful face contorted in pleasure while he works with his fingers and tongue. You had forgotten how it felt to have a good fuck, how delicious the pain is. You're clenching around his fingers, so Changbin knows you're almost cumming, that's when he stops.

“What the hell?” You whine, trying to touch your clit with your hand so you can finish it yourself but he doesn't let you, grabbing your face harshly, squeezing your cheeks.

“You should take what I give you”, he says, “Open your mouth”, he commands, spitting inside, “now, swallow”

You feel all your insides turn around, you could cum just by the hold he has on you. Your pussy is throbbing so much it hurts, but it's so good.

“Binnie, please”, you whine, ready to beg for him to fuck you.

“Hm? Tell me what you want, bunny”

“Please fuck me, please, please”, you beg.

“If you ask this nicely I can't deny”, he smirks, climbing on top of you. He's huge, strong arms on each of your sides, trying not to put too much weight over you. He pulls you by your ankles, positioning himself in the middle of your legs.

You try grabbing his cock so you can put it in already, you're too desperate but he swings a slap on your ass, making you whimper to the pain, you were not expecting that.

“I told you to take what I give you, bunny”

He slides his cock up and down on your wet folds, feeling like he could die at any moment by feeling your warmth embracing his cock.

“Put it in, Binnie”, you plead again, desperate to feel him inside you.

“Fuck, babe, you're so fucking pretty”, he tells you while teasing, “but do you deserve it? You made a fool out of me all this months”

You feel your eyes brim with tears again, feeling the little bit of stimulation he's giving you by slightly touching the head of his cock to your clit.

“I'm sorry, I'm really sorry”, you sob, “it wasn't just you. I went back home every time and fucked myself thinking about you”

“Shit”, he groans, sliding his cock inside you with no warning, you scream to the sudden intrusion in your sensitive cunt but it gets stuck in your throat while you sob. “Tell me everything you want me to do, yeah?”

He's thrusting violently into you, gripping your hips into place so he can have you exactly where he wants you to be.

“I want you to fucking break me”, you tell him, “choke me, bite me, do anything, I'm yours”

Changbin slams into you even harder listening to those words, he slides his hand up, wrapping it around your throat. He tightens the grip, cutting the air off.

“My beautiful princess wants me to fuck her senseless?” You feel your orgasm closer, the sensations you're feeling all over your body makes it feel like you're in a haze, completely lost in pleasure. The knot in your stomach grows so big, it feels like it explodes, making you shake and arch your back, feeling overwhelmed by all the pleasure.

Changbin keeps going hard, feeling you clench around him just makes him get closer to his own climax. He takes his hand out of your throat, holding your hips for support.

“Do it inside”, you whisper out of breath, feeling his cock twitching inside you. He cums a few moments later, feeling your pussy sucking all of him.

He collapses on top of you, supporting himself in his arms, not wanting to weigh on you but still wanting to stay inside of you. You help him by wrapping your arms around his waist and flipping you two, now you are the one on top of him and his cock is still buried inside you.

You lay on his chest, hearing his heartbeat, not sure what to say now. You're afraid he'll judge you, even though it looked like he enjoyed the same as you, your ex boyfriend seemed to like it too. What if this was just a one time thing for him? You're not sure if you'll be able to be with other people after this night.

As if he can hear your intrusive thoughts, Changbin wraps his arms around you, kissing the top of your head.

“Should I call you my girlfriend now or should we go on a date first?”

You snap your head over at him, wide eyes and a big smile on your lips.

“I think you'll have to do much more to be able to call me your girlfriend”, you smile playfully.

“Oh? My bunny is so greedy”, he gives a peck on your lips, “I can get used to that”

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A/N: If you like what I write please reblog or let me know in the comments, feedback gives me motivation to keep writing.

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meanbossart · 2 months

Note

I was wondering, what with the lovely couple aiming to cure Astarion's vampirism and all–

when the time actually comes, if ever, for Astarion to take that leap and abandon immortality, would DU!Drow have second thoughts? Perhaps, even, try stopping him? Not because he doesn't want Astarion to be happy, but because he would begin to age and has new vulnerabilities, making DU!Drow immensely paranoid/insecure.

This came to me because of the Bhaalist!AU where we see him sabotage Astarion's ascension. I mean, I'm going to assume he's much less toxic in the canon path 👀

Yes he is not as humongous of an ass canonically, LOL. Still an asshole, but he's very earnest and fairly eager to learn how to be a better person to those he cares about, not to mention the random bout of stranger's empathy here and there.

But for your actual question, it depends! There are two wolves inside the man: one who suffers whenever he has to see Astarion being hindered by his vampirism, and one who still secretly enjoys him depending on him to an extent because of it. There is also a third, secret wolf called "maybe he's trying to be okay with this vampire thing and he would be better off for it, actually" that has been trying to crawl its way to the forefront on two broken legs for months, but we ignore that one.

And, of course, DU drow is easily swayed by Astarion's will when he puts things just the right way to convince him - which he knows how to do. If becoming mortal was a snap of the fingers away, all Astarion would have to do is get the wet eyes out and he would probably get his way.

His "baby please I only wish to take one last mortal piss before I perish for good" face. (I was laughing at some screenshots on another tab and had to come up with an excuse to put this one here, sorry.)

Anyways, while DU drow is canonically and vehemently searching for a "cure" for Astarion, his actual opinions on how the outcome of such would affect them vary depending on the day you ask him about it, and just how much thought you can assuade him to put into it. Things definitely begin to fall apart when you press.

But, generally, I think spawn Astarion would be ecstatic about having his mortality back. Sure, that means foregoing things like eternal "life" and regenerative powers, but no longer having to worry about daylight, rivers, and holy artefacts would very much balance it out. Astarion's hapiness would be enough to give DU drow the necessary peace of mind when facing any of the related downsides.

Also - they are still relatively ambitious and power-hungry. When time started rolling through, DU drow would prooooobably come up with the brilliant idea to pursue some other means of immortality for themselves, which for the record I think is absolutely hysterical and says a lot about the guy's thought process (FIRST, we cure you of your vampirism, THEN, we give you immortal life - the logic is infallible).

But also this is all presupposing he wouldn't come to accept Astarion's eventual death through old age just through like, you know, personal growth. I don't have these guys' lives planned from start to finish, and anything could happen.

(As an addendum, this ask isn't about my thoughts on whether or not it is thematically better for Astarion to turn back or not - I'm just entertaining the concept.)

#ask #du drow and astarion #du drow #astarion

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sareeen · 9 months

Text

Meaningful words

Pairing: Azriel x fem!reader

Summary: A lonely night without Azriel is hard enough for Y/N, but when she gets a terribly sad book in her hands, she feels a thousand times worse. Luckily, Azriel is always there when she needs him and can calm her down like no one else.

Warnings: nothing, just fluff :)… maybe at the end a little dark azriel

Masterlist

A/N: After months of hard times, today I finally had the time and the will to write. With this little story today I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas in advance :)

English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistake.

Damn you, Nesta.

Y/N could hardly see the letters because of the tears in her eyes and the bottom of the page was already wet in several places. She felt so miserable that she wanted to throw the book away and lie there for two days, weeping in the depths of the bedclothes.

But the story sucked her in, the heroine's suffering and grief dug into her like sharp claws, and she was unable to put the book down. As Azriel was on a mission all night and she could not sleep for lack of it, she took the book that Nesta had borrowed to her. She told her it was a sad story and surely if Nesta Archeron called something depressing then it must be so.

As she kept turning the pages, the harder it was to restrain herself from reaching for the bond with the spymaster and tugging at it, then begging him to come home. But, with great difficulty, she managed to control herself and behave like an adult. However, in the last few hours, as the sun began to rise, she looked at the clock more and more and sat on pins and needles to hear the front door open.

When she started another chapter and the protagonist was hit with yet another worse blow, as if the poor thing hadn't already had a hard time, she sobbed so much that she missed the opening of the door by just the wrong margin.

Azriel stood frozen, his broad shoulders almost filling the doorframe and panting heavily as if he had run all the way home from the Illyrian camp.

"What's wrong?" he stepped inside immediately after the first shock and rushed straight to their bed.

"Stupid book."

The words were almost unintelligible and Y/N pointed the thick book towards him like some kind of idiot and handed it to him.

Azriel held it in his huge hands, clueless, and it was obvious that he didn't understand the situation at all. He looked so lost, which was so unlike him, that if the situation had been different Y/N would have laughed.

But she felt so lousy she just tried not to cry any harder.

It was almost consuming him, it seemed, to see her like this and not know exactly what was wrong with her and how he could help her. So, he just lay next to her, dressed in his battle clothes as he was, and pulled her onto his chest.

It made Y/N cry even more.

"It's so sad," Y/N poked the hard cover of the book. "Nesta gave it to me and now I feel so awful."

Azriel kissed her hair and mumbled something that sounded too much like I'm going to kill that woman.

"Then why are you reading it, sweetheart?" his warm hand traced soothing circles down her back, making her feel a little better. At least enough to form meaningful and complex sentences, and not like some one and a half year old child.

"Because it's so good by the way," she whispered, pressing her palm against Azriel's chest, right where his heart was beating. A small relief welled up inside her and she stroked the leather.

“But it's so sad because Adja the main heroine is losing her mate. He was wounded during a battle and the healers couldn't save him, and then he died."

A shiver ran through her as Azriel's arm tightened around her, almost pulling her into him.

"I've been thinking about what I would do" Y/N sniffed. "If you died, I don't know what I would do. I'd probably jump off the nearest cliff I could find and go after you."

Azriel took a deep breath at her words and cupped her face in his two scarred hands. Y/N looked at him with teary eyes and the way his partner looked at her, with that devotion and adoration, she was absolutely certain that she would indeed go after him to death.

"My love" he gave her a soft kiss on the lips and then wiped away the tear that trailed down her cheek. "I'm not going to die."

"You can't promise me that" Y/N argued at once. "No one can promise that."

Azriel smiled and gave her another kiss.

His lips were warm and soft on hers, causing Y/N's arm to unconsciously wrap around his neck and pull him closer. Their legs tangled together under the blanket and Azriel's shadows retreated to the corner, as if they didn't want to share this intimate moment.

When they broke apart, Azriel's finger brushed her cheek with a breathless caress. The golden-brown eyes almost glowed and Y/N could have sworn they sparkled slightly. She knew that her mate sometimes still struggled to accept that she really loved him. Every once in a while, her heart sank when she sensed through the bond that Azriel doubted himself and at such times she always made sure to surprise him with something to prove that he deserved it more than anyone.

"Indeed not, but I can promise you that I will do my best to stay alive" he grinned and playfully pinched her bottom. "I'll do my best to come home to this pretty little bottom every night."

To enhance his words, he gently patted the said body part.

Y/N gasped in surprise at the sensation and slapped his shoulder, but her mouth was already up to her ears. She felt much, much better thanks to Azriel.

"Good, because you're never leaving the house again" Y/N raised an eyebrow, then added jokingly. "Besides, it's not nice that your partner tearfully admits what she would do if you were gone and all you could think about was her butt. You know, other men would return the favor in a heartbeat, with words like I'd burn the world for you."

Azriel laughed and rolled over, pushing her body with his huge one almost into the mattress, which made Y/N sigh happily.

"Really?" The spymaster asked, brushing her stray hairs from her forehead.

"Yes," Y/N answered seriously, but there was laughter in her voice.

Azriel slowly leaned in to her ear and Y/N shivered with excitement as he began to whisper.

"Do you want to know what I would do if you died?" the spymaster said, but his grip on the words grew a little steely, as if the very thought of it was driving him mad. "I would cover the whole world in darkness and blood, hunt everyone down and when I had finished with all the sinners and all their loved ones, I would end my life and follow you to the afterlife. Proudly and without thinking, because if you no longer exist then the whole world is meaningless and I wouldn't want to exist in it."

Y/N's fingers tangled in Azriel's dark hair.

"That was better than a I'd burn the world down."

Azriel's dark laughter filled the apartment.

"I would do more for you."

#acotar #azriel spymaster #azriel x you #azriel x reader #azriel shadowsinger #acomaf #acowar #a court of thrones and roses

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animeyanderelover · 8 months

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I am back once again in my Twilight mood and thought that I would write some poly!relationship with my 2 favorite vampires from the Cullens.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, manipulation, gaslighting, threats, stalking, overprotective behavior, isolation, death

Sharing a darling

Alice has definitely caught glimpses of you already in her vision. She knows that Jasper and her have another soulmate somewhere in the world but it is only when your parents decide to move to Forks that she is able to see the bigger picture of everything. She is certainly surprised to find out that that she and Jasper have another soulmate but she doesn't ponder too much about it. Instead she just feels very happy to know that you exist. Edward probably finds out before Jasper but only because he read Alice's mind. He also gives her an astonished look but soon cracks out a small smile as he knows that Alice feels happy about it. She tells Jasper as soon as she has had her vision and it is Jasper who is a tad bit more hesitant to fully grasp the situation. He has been with Alice for such a long time and he loves her so much so he has a hard time fathoming how he could possibly love someone the same way he adores her. He senses her happiness though about the situation so he silently accepts the future.

There is time to prepare for your arrival and it is time that passes by far too slowly for Alice. She's definitely giddy whilst thinking about your arrival and her joyous mood eventually also gets through Jasper who starts looking forward to seeing you, even if he is still a tad bit cautious about all of this. Alice loves telling him what she has seen in her vision and even draws you so that Jasper can see just how cute you are. Alice makes sure that Jasper and her dress up especially well as soon as she knows when exactly you will arrive and where exactly both of them will meet you. She's so eager as she drags Jasper with her on that day and whilst Jasper isn't exactly feeling as optimistic as she is, he doesn't have the heart to deny her what she wants. Both of them don't have to look long for you as their enhanced senses aid them in spotting you quickly and in that moment they really feel like you have been missing all along.

If Alice would still have a heart, it would pound so wildly against her chest right now as she just looks at you and takes in your every curve and feature. She's already mentally gushing over you and can't wait to do everything with you she has already been planning in the months before you moved to Forks. Jasper's doubts completely fade away as soon as he spots you too as he instantly feels the connection. His eyes also observe you with a warm glint in your eyes but differently from Alice, he is also being much more strategic and especially more overprotective. Suddenly he becomes even more aware of his surroundings and if anyone is looking funnily at you as his mind instantly switches to a protective mode, especially since you are a human. Alice notices his more rigid and alerted gaze and nudges him playfully. He can worry later. Both of them should now meet their soulmate.

Jasper takes the backseat for quite a while as he just lets Alice do the job. Not only because he knows that Alice is far more easily approachable than he is since he has a colder appearance but also because he is worried that he might be tempted by your blood. You have a very sweet smell around you and he has still very vividly in mind what happened when Bella cut herself on paper during her birthday. He could never imagine hurting you, his soulmate, yet he knows that it might be more realistic than he might want to admit. It almost feels like he is a thrid wheel for a while and even if Alice tries to include him more since she just knows that he's silently suffering from not being as involved and as close with you as she is already, she respects his wishes. Your joyful appearance in their lives actually motivates him to work harder on his self-control since he would never be able to forgive himself if he would hurt you due to his own lack of self-control.

Alice is a refreshing breeze that just enters your life as she approaches you with confidence and from that day on is always involved. You might be a bit startled by her bold approach but she is surprisingly good in sensing how far she can go from now. She takes the pleasure of being your guide you can run to in search for help since you are new here. Her goal is to be the first person you are really close to because she knows that if she is someone you already know better than others, you will gravitate more to her and rather search for her than ask new people for help. Especially if you are on a more introverted side. In either case, Alice seemingly adjusts flawlessly to your own vibe which allows you to feel more comfortable when around her. Jasper due to his more quiet nature initially spooks you out a bit but she reassures you that her lover is deep down just a big softie. You'll see that soon enough.

If Alice is the one who is visibly present in your life and always makes sure to tell you about the newest fashion, rumors and stories in this small town, Jasper is the one who is always watching over you behind the scenes. He is definitely too protective over you for his own good and that is made all the more worse since you are still only a human. He's the one who is always a few steps behind Alice and you when she excitedly shows you a great shop for clothes or a nice place to consume some beverages and some cakes, even if she sadly can't share the joy of eating and drinking as you do which is why she tries to avoid dragging you to such places. His eyes always seem to scam your surroundings and the people passing by as if he is always prepared to hear something or see something that will indicate that your life is in danger. He is the one who at times even stalks you just to quench that overprotective duty that he feels now that you are part of Alice's and his life.

Edward and Alice, and by extension also the rest of the Cullens, is aware of the tiny bit more illegal activities that Jasper is doing and they definitely have a small talk with him about it. Edward probably can't lecture him too greatly about it as Jasper is quick to remind his adoptive brother of the way he behaved around Bella when she was still a human. He's definitely getting more defensive and even mildly aggressive if someone wants to have a discussion with him about his stalkerish and overprotective tendencies. A tiny part of him might be able to rationalise why they tell him that he is overdoing it but the major part of him just can't think of what he is doing as wrong. He only has your good intentions in mind after all so he is definitely the type of delusional man who will justify some of his more questionable behavior with his feelings and your safety in mind. Alice is the only one who can talk to him without him instantly getting defensive and for her sake he does try to tone his behavior down a bit. Next to his struggles to control himself around human blood though, he seems to have unlocked a new urge he can't quite control.

Jasper only really allows himself to interact more with you when he has more confidence in his skills to control his lust for blood and only then will you finally get to know him so much better. He has always held himself back before out of fear that the scent of your blood might tempt him and you have always interpreted that as him not liking you. Now he proves you wrong though and actually turns out to be much more mellow than his exterior might let on. You are surprised to actually find out just how sensible he seems to be as he always seems to guess your current mood accurately. Whilst Alice seems to be more outgoing and bubbly, Jasper is more introverted and shockingly soft and mellow around you. He always seems so careful around you and sometimes you feel like he is talking to you like one would talk to a baby deer in order to not scare it away. At the same time you also realise that he doesn't seem to be comfortable around other people. He always appears to be slightly more tense and you always notice the protective step he seems to take as soon as someone he doesn't know approaches you.

Honestly though, the combination of their abilities is kind of scary. You essentially have someone who is able to feel and influence your emotions in Jasper and someone who can see the different outcomes of your future in Alice and whilst both of these abilities would be already quite scary by themselves, combined this makes for an even more dangerous mix. You aren't able to hide stuff from both of them because whilst their enhanced senses would probably already allow them to notice that something is wrong, Jasper can additionally sense it in your feelings. Honestly, Jasper can be a bit overbearing due to this strong need he feels to keep you safe and to protect you so as soon as he senses that you are scared, he automatically enters this overprotective mode where he is ready to scare anyone and everything away that frightens you. Additionally he just feels better if he knows where you are and with whom you are at the moment if neither Alice nor him are with you and not knowing your current location always has him worried.

Alice with her ability to see different scenarios of the future also are in the longer run very scary and useful. Whilst it of course allows both of them to prepare and keep you away from potential danger, it also completely enables her to watch over decisions you make and which impact they might have on your future. If she ever has a vision that would show her that you would have to leave Jasper and her, whether this decision was made by yourself or is the result of someone else, she and Jasper always come up with plans to cancel your departure from them. Neither one of them can just allow you to leave them like this, not now when you have become an official part of their lives and hearts. So whilst Alice always has a watch over your future, Jasper can influence your presence directly by controlling your emotions a bit. Neither one of those would ever dare to take it as far as inducing you with false feelings for both of them but at times Jasper just influences your feelings enough to not have you take any rash decisions.

Alice and Jasper have to compromise on how they spend their time with you. Whilst Alice enjoys going shopping with you and dressing you up all cutely, Jasper just prefers to just have the three of you doing something by yourselves. He always feels uncomfortable and pressured when he is around people he doesn't consider his loved ones and that has become a tad bit worse since you have come around. He wants to show you his love and that isn't as possible when he is constantly alerted due to everyone around you. He is already at times a bit more protective around Alice but that is much worse with you who is only a human. He's much more loving and at ease when it is just the three of you. Alice often plans everything though and Jasper lets her. She is creative with her plans and always comes up with something that will be fun and exciting but that doesn't mean that she doesn't consider Jasper's more simple desires to just hang out with only the three of you.

Both of them start planning relatively early on how to tell you about what they truly are. In fact both of them have been considering this as soon as they knew that you exist. Whilst Alice could have done fine without instantly going over how to tell you that they are vampires as carefully as possible, it was probably Jasper who wanted to start thinking about it at such an early stage already. Of course both of them were only able to really start properly planning as soon as both of you started knowing you better. Jasper has always seen him as the biggest risk to spoil the secret so he has been up until now tried his hardest to not slip up with anything. The closer you get to both of them and also by extension the rest of the Cullens, the bigger the chances are that you start finding out. Edward tells both of them after a visit where he also met you that you are already suspicious. Their eye colour, their cold skin and the fact that you have never seen them eating or drinking anything has already roused your suspicion.

Both of them already suspected as much as Edward tells them but hearing it just confirms their suspicions. Both of them know that they should tell you their secret now sooner than later. Alice tries to be more optimistic about everything whilst Jasper is more worried because he fears that you might see Alice and him as monsters after finding out that both of them are vampires. This is probably one of the prime examples of how Jasper uses his abilities though. He makes sure that he influences your emotions and calms you down when the time comes where Alice and him inform you about their true identities so that you don't freak out and allow Alice to calmly explain everything to you. This might be the moment though you silently realise that you probably have little chances to escape as soon as you finally know the truth but weirdly enough don't feel scared or freaked out. Well, thank Jasper for inducing you with such calm and serene feelings to keep you from feeling scared.

#yandere twilight #yandere alice #yandere alice cullen #yandere jasper #yandere jasper hale

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silverbladexyz · 8 months

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TW: Mentions of death, injuries, self-loathing. Part 2 to this. Part 3 is here.

"I can't believe you sometimes. What if you had actually been killed because of your recklessness?!"

"But I wasn't! Even if combat isn't my strong suit, I had it all under control; and besides, these wounds are nothing compared to what we've faced before!"

In the normally tranquil environment of the Port Mafia's infirmary, two voices argued back and forth. One laced with worry and anger, the other laced with guilty adamance. A pair of best friends seemed to be the reason behind this noise; with their stubbornness a guise of the true feelings that they harboured for each other.

"Are you seriously kidding me right now? Even if you had it all under control, that doesn't mean you can gamble your life away like it's nothing! How do you think everyone would feel if you died? Do you want to put them through more pain and suffering that could've been prevented if you were more cautious? Do you even care?!"

"..."

Instead of replying, you turned away, suddenly finding the window to be more interesting than whatever was going on right now.

He was right. You didn't think properly about the consequences before you jumped straight in to engage with the enemy, even if you may have had a backup plan.

"... I'm sorry."

It was soft, but Chuuya managed to catch it.

He gave a small sigh, his shoulders dropping as the tension in them wore out. You fiddled with your bandages, not having the courage to look at him in the eyes. Did you even deserve to, afterall? When you worried him sick after he learnt that he almost lost you?

You heard his footsteps approaching you, and mentally prepared for the next thing that he was going to say.

Only for him to somewhat tug you into his arms.

Your eyes widened, and you blinked several times before realising that Chuuya Nakahara, your best friend, was hugging you.

His breath fanned against your collarbone as he buried his face into your shoulder. Strong arms held you close to him, being mindful of the injuries that you sustained on your body- yet the grip they held you in was tight but secure.

"... You idiot. Don't you dare do that again."

It was the most vulnerable you had ever seen him.

You hugged him back, inhaling his rich scent as an unknown heat bloomed in your chest.

"I won't. I promise, Chuuya."

His warmth never left your memories.

Now, you watched as he stood with her, holding her hand. They were too far away for you to make out their words, but whatever she said made Chuuya laugh. A genuine, happy laugh that seemed so much more different from the short chuckles he normally gave you.

He put his arm around her shoulder, and you unconsciously hugged your body as you felt yourself getting colder. It was the third of December- the start of another winter in Yokohama. Marking the six month anniversary of their relationship.

A wry smile made it's way on your face as Chuuya pulled Yasuko in for a kiss. Even though it was a short peck, it was enough to make your heart twist in longing that exemplified whenever you were around him. It was stupid; you knew that your best friend deserved to have someone much better than the monster you were, but it didn't stop you from wishing that you were her. Someone that was a sight for sore eyes, with an aura brighter than the blue skies- someone that could get Chuuya mesmerised.

You even noticed how he became slightly more distant in the friendship. You knew that he wasn't doing it on purpose; he was still the great best friend that he always was, but the little signs were there. Holding your hand so that you wouldn't get lost in the crowd had diminished to just staying close to you. Whenever you called him on a free day to ask if he wanted to hang out with you, he would apologise, saying 'I have a date with Yasuko later'. And the fact that you had the same free days really said something about how much they meant to him.

You walked away, the sight getting too much to handle. Once you were at a safe distance, you crumpled against a wall, biting down on the inside of your mouth to stop the tears from leaking out. A higher-ranking mafioso like you, crying over some crush? Pathetic. An unfitting model for your subordinates who looked up to you as a great unflinching leader.

"Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty." You chuckled bitterly, digging your nails into your palms. You hated it- the soft gaze in Chuuya's eyes whenever Yasuko was mentioned, the way that he gently held her hand, the way he became much more sweet and patient with her that was almost nothing like how he acted around you- you hated it all. You regretted not confessing to him sooner all those years ago.

But you were only the side character in their romance; forever doomed to support them while you suffered in silence.

Was there something or somebody that you could blame for this agony that you were currently in? Destiny, perhaps? Or even Cupid? Those names only made you scoff as you stuffed your hands into your pockets.

There was nobody you could blame except for yourself.

Perhaps it would have been better if you were the one who saved Yasuko, not Chuuya. They would have never spent as much time with each other, and you'd still have a chance at romancing him. None of this would have happened if the roles were reversed at that time.

But who were you kidding? One way or another, they’d end up together by the red string of fate. The most perfect match in all of Yokohama that could put every other couple to shame. And you'd always be the third wheel- the 'best friend' whose sacrifices went unseen just so that they could be happy.

Or maybe it would have been better if Yasuko didn't exist in the first place.

"-Y/N? Y/N?"

A voice broke you out of your thoughts, and you blinked a bit before refocusing onto the girl in front of you.

"Is everything okay? N-not that you have to tell me what's wrong, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'll always be here for you."

Yasuko looked at you with a concerned expression, her eyes searching your face for any sign of discomfort.

Those innocent, beautiful eyes of hers that had held Chuuya captive in their gaze.

Ah, right. You were currently in the shopping mall with her, because her boyfriend had asked you to accompany her like some sort of bodyguard. And who were you to refuse, as his best friend who was always there for him? Well, you were grateful that Chuuya trusted you enough to let you near Yasuko. You had seen how protective he was of her.

"... Nothing. I'm alright."

You smiled at her, all traces of your previous emotions now gone. How could you have let your composure slip so easily? This hangout was so that you could 'get closer' with her, not reminiscing about the pathetic past that held you captive in this agonising love.

She frowned a little, but before she could say anything else, you jumped at the opportunity to distract her. Anything that could make you temporarily forget your pain for one moment was what you desperately needed now.

"Oh, looks like they're selling discounted jewellery! Let's take a look! You might find something that you like."

Grabbing her wrist, you dragged her towards the jewellery store despite having no intentions to buy anything. You simply wanted her to be distracted by the precious stones, so meticulously cut and fit into fine metal that it was laughable how they were mostly for show. A valuable trinket only made to be admired and forgotten at the end of the day, even when so much blood had been spilled over them. Blood that would forever stain the hands of a sinner such as you.

"Oh! I remember Chuuya taking me to a similiar store! He bought me a ring; I said that there was no need, but he insisted." Yasuko glanced down at the gold-and-red circlet that lay snugly around her index finger, her gaze becoming shyer as she profoundly remembered the day that her beloved boyfriend had bought it for her.

Your own silver ring that he gifted to you on your 18th birthday paled in comparison to the 5-carat Burmese ruby that sat atop her finger. It was a harsh reminder of who the buyer really preferred from between the two of you. That twisted feeling in your gut resurfaced, but you pushed it back down. You had no more frivolous hopes that he would one day realise you were the one whom he truly belonged with.

"Haha... did he now? I didn't know Chuuya was such a romantic. Did you know that rubies symbolise passionate and undying love?" You smiled as she blushed; the redness on her cheeks rivaling the shade of the precious gemstone that was proof of his commitment to her.

People were right when they said love hurts, but they never mentioned that it was the most painful sensation in the world. All the stab wounds and burns and whatnot that you had experienced from your enemies were nothing compared to a broken heart. A heart that was made to be torn apart to pieces as it weeps for the love it would never get.

Something cold brushed against your wrist, and you looked down to see a bracelet made up of the most exquisite yellow topaz. Yasuko held an identical one in her hand, her expression almost bashful as she faced you.

"I... I wanted to get matching bracelets for the two of us. I know it's only been a few months since we became friends, but being around you has really brightened up my life. I'm glad that we got to meet each other, and I hope that our friendship continues to grow and strengthen!"

She smiled at you; a smile so full of purity and beauty that it would've made many men fall onto her knees in front of her. It was a smile that didn't belong in the dark depths of Yokohama- instead, it belonged to a goddess that was too good for this world. A goddess that clearly deserved to call Nakahara Chuuya hers. Just seeing that smile made you feel infinitely more guilty about the nasty thoughts you had about her each night.

Yasuko's smile faded, worried that she might have overstepped your boundaries due to your silence.

"S-sorry... I should've asked you beforehand if you wanted to buy matching bracelets. Please don't force yourself to buy it just to make me happy-"

You shut her up by slipping it onto your right wrist, the topaz seeming to reflect the sun's golden rays back at you. Shooting her a smile, you grasped Yasuko's hand and put the other bracelet onto her left wrist joint. It fit nicely; just like anything else that she wore.

"May our friendship last until death do us part." It was a pact that you had sworn with Chuuya before. And you always kept your word, never breaking a promise to someone no matter how bizarre or extreme it was.

How unfortunate, really, that death did you apart too early.

@circinuus @riiwrites @ruanais @justcallmesakira @yasu-masashige @oldworldpoolhall @heartsfourdazai @ashthemadwriter-uwu @sariel626 @yuugen-benni @chocsra @iridescentdove

#silverbladexyz #no way did I just pull a Heather in my fic #it's a good song though #i hope this was okay #bsd x reader #bungou stray dogs x reader #chuuya x reader #chuuya nakahara x reader #bsd x gender neutral reader #bsd x female reader #chuuya x gn reader #chuuya x fem!reader #part 2 of unrequited love fic #yellow topaz symbolises friendship btw #unrequited love

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acourtofmarvels · 1 year

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Patience - Cassian

No OC this time, just your average Cassian x Reader (I used she/her pronouns but please use any you would like to.)

Summary: Y/N has been apart of the IC for 100 years after they saved her from a horrible incident that left her broken and traumatized. Cassian knew she was his mate from the second he saw her. Though he never could tell her, not after everything she endured. They put her back together. She loved them and they loved her. Her family. Though, in the recent couple years she developed feelings a little stronger toward the male who she would soon find out to be her mate.

Warnings: hints of abuse and assault. fluff

Word count: 3369

Cassian

"Why haven't you told her?" Rhysand asked me. I looked at him like he was crazy. He must be. Thinking I could ever tell her.

"How could I put that on her? After all she's been through. She's open to us now. She's stronger, braver. She's finally starting to learn to cope with her trauma. I don't want to scare her with something so... intimate."

I saved her. I have kept her safe. I helped her, trained her. Held her when she needed it, gave her space when she needed it. Those 50 years when Rhys was under the mountain she never left the House of Wind once. She didn't feel safe without her High Lord here. Even though Az and I were always with her.

"Cassian..." Rhys started.

"You kept it from Feyre, why? Cause you wanted to keep her safe, you didn't want to scare her. You wanted her to be ready for it. Thats exactly what I'm doing." He's being so hypocritical. How could he think I could just spring this on her?

"You've know for 100 years-"

"I knew the moment I saw her. She was covered in her own blood and vomit, bruised, broken and bare. You didn't see her, Rhys. You didn't feel-" I felt sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I was the one who covered her, brought her to Valaris to be healed and saved."What those monsters did to her..."

"They're dead now. They'll never hurt her again." Yeah. I killed them all. Made them suffer. Had them begging and pleading for their lives.

"She's still healing. I'd wait another 100 years if had to."

Her POV

"We can go back if you want," Mor said quietly to me. We walked down the cobblestone sidewalk through the markets in the town square. Her arm linked in mine, her way of letting me know she wasn't leaving my side.

"No, I feel... good. It's a beautiful day. Everything feels like it's fitting into place. I've noticed these past few months that I finally feel like my old self again. But.. better."

It felt so good getting out of the house. Walking down the streets of my home. Home. I'd been here for a century. I've found my family here. People who love me, scars and all. And I love them. They're my rock. I wish I could say that I put myself back together after being broke for so long but it was them. They hold me together.

"Have you gotten all your gifts yet?" It was solstice this week. Everyone's favorite time of year.

"I have." I smiled at her. "And I'm not telling you what I got you." I knew by the tone in her question that's exactly what would lead next.

"Come on! Did you get it when we were together? I always take you shopping. How could you have possibly gotten my gift?"

"Cassian took me yesterday." I didn't like going out by myself. Too much anxiety. Mor or Feyre always go shopping with me in the markets. The boys take me other places, exploring Prythian if I please.

"Cassian never goes shopping with me! Gods, how did you convince him to do that?"

"I just asked him and he said yes." I shrugged. Cassian has always been sweet. He never tells me no. I feel guilty about it sometimes. I don't want to bother him.

"You have him wrapped around your finger, I swear." Mor groaned and I laughed.

"I do not." My face felt warm as a blush crept up upon my cheeks. Me blushing for a male? That hasn't happened since before... "Cassian just worries about me."

"Yeah worries a little too much." She rolled her eyes playfully. "You're staying at the town house with all of us this week right?" Rhys and Feyre mentioned they wanted everyone there this week. It was kind of tradition but this was the first solstice since the war and it just felt a little extra special.

"Of course. And I will also be drinking my weight in wine."

"Oh gods, a drunk you is never good." Mor and I both laughed loudly. I didn't drink much. Only with them. And usually on special occasions.

***

"Leave! You'll see us when we are ready!" Feyre yelled through the door. Rhysand wanted to see which dress she picked. He was being very persistent. It was so cute.

"Just a peak, my love," he said. I could practically hear the smile in his voice. I felt a weird pang in my chest. That was weird.

There was some more playful arguing between them before Feyre finally came back over to the vanity where I was sitting as Mor was doing my hair and makeup.

"He's acting like a child and I just took away his toy," Feyre mumbled, "Illyrian baby."

Mor was the first one of us who was ready. She was wearing a long black silk dress with her signature red lips. Feyre was wearing a dark blue sparkly dress. It took me a while to pick which dress to wear. Feyre insisted on the maroon one, while Mor wanted me to wear the emerald green. I am bad at making decisions so I let Elain pick and she favored the maroon one more like her sister.

"Mother above we look hot," Mor whistled as the three of us stood in front of the giant mirror in Feyre and Rhys room.

The door squeaked as it opened, Elain slipping through. "Stop being annoying, you swear you've never seen her dolled up before." She mumbled to whom I could only assume was Rhysand. She closed it behind her, pressing her back to it. Elain was in a pale pink dress. She favored the lighter colors. "The boys are getting rowdy and insist we go down to eat dinner."

"They're children, I swear." Feyre rolled her eyes but she was smiling, as was I. Feyre followed Elain out the door. I briefly heard Rhys say some curse words at the sight of his mate before Feyre shut the door behind her.

Mor reached for the handle of the door but paused when she noticed I was hesitant to follow her. I could tell she was immediately worried for me. "What's wrong?" Was I really that transparent?

I couldn't lie to her. She can always tell when I'm lying or hiding something. "I am nervous." I admitted, my hands gripped the fabric of my dress nervously.

"Why? Has something happened?" I think I was the closet with Mor. She was there since the beginning. For the first few months after the incident I was to afraid to be around males. Mor never left my side. She didn't even know me yet she cared so much.

"Nothing has happened. Just, something feels different." I could feel the aching in my chest. I had noticed it every time I was around Rhys and Feyre, I didn't understand.

"A good different or a bad different?" She took ahold of my hand, a comforting gesture she did to know that she was there for me and she wasn't leaving.

"I'm not sure. I think what I'm feeling is good but it hurts sometimes." She gave my hand a small squeeze.

"Do you want to leave? I can winnow us out right now. No questions asked. You say the words and we're gone." I smiled at her.

"No I don't want to leave. I just... I had that on my chest." I took a deep breath. She continued to rub her hand over mine. She always held my hand when I was anxious or feeling emotional. It was comforting, to know she was always by my side when I needed her.

The door burst open, in came an angry looking Amren. Her hand was gripping the doorknob so hard I thought she might pull it off. "If you don't get downstairs in the next two seconds I'm killing them all." She glanced down at Mor holding my hand and Amren's face actually softened. It wasn't often I saw any other sign of emotion on her face that wasn't anger or annoyance. "What's going on? Are you alright, Y/N?"

I let out a small laugh. I love that they all worry for me. But it does get annoying the amount of times a day I hear Are you okay? "I'm quite alright, thank you. Let's eat, I'm starving."

Amren went first, Mor following and myself close behind. The biggest smile formed on my face the second I heard the low, loud, voices of the rest of my family downstairs. I don't even know what they were saying but Cassian's voice stood out to me. My heart sped up and I ignored it like I always did. It was a weird feeling I didn't understand. It always happened around him or even to the thought of him.

"The night has barely begun and you're already giving me a headache," Amren grumbled as she hopped off the last step. The room grew quiet as Mor and I came into view. My eyes locked onto Cassian's first. There went that feeling again. He pushed his chair back, standing up straight. I noticed Rhysand and Azriel were standing up to.

"Now don't stop the party on our account," Mor said.

Rhysand was the first to speak out of the males. "You both look marvelous." He then looked at down at his mate who was sitting in the chair beside him. He must have said something to her for only her to hear because a slight blush freckled upon her cheeks.

Azriel approached both of us, complimenting us. He hugged Mor, then looked at me for permission. I smiled at him and opened my arms to give him a hug. "Thank you, Az." The males were always hesitant to show any type of affection toward me. I understood why and I was grateful for it.

As Azriel walked back over to where he was sitting previously at the dinner my eyes locked once more on the Illyrian general.

"Y/N you look-" Cassian choked on his words. "I mean y-you both look, um, wow." He motioned to Mor and I. I'd never seen him so nervous.

"Settle down Cass, you might just woo them away." Rhys said making Az laugh. Cassian's face turned red as he sat back down in his seat. Feyre swatted his arm and scolded him silently.

The night continued on as we ate and drank. I sat at the end of the table with Elain on my right and Mor on my left. The smile on my face only grew bigger as the night went on.

I kept the smile on my face as I glanced at Rhys and Feyre, who were talking quietly to each other, stealing kisses back and forth. I wanted that. That love that they share. That was the first time I was admitting it. I think I just realized why I felt that pang in my chest every time I looked at them together. That connection was what everyone craved. That unrelentless love. I didn't even know I was ready for that but I now realize that I do.

I looked away from them. I couldn't watch anymore. I needed to focus on something else before they noticed my change in demeanor.

I couldn't help but look at Cassian. He could always calm me down in the worst of times. It was like he knew I was watching him cause the second he looked at me every thing changed. It felt like the world stopped and something shifted. It started in my chest, a glowing warmth that began to sooth my aching heart, like a bandage to a wound. The warmth spread outwards, moving to my limbs and beyond my body, forming a bridge between us.

The second that connection snapped I stood up abruptly, the chair beneath me almost falling back I pushed it back so quickly. The tears were already falling down my face. "You-" I couldn't even form a sentence. I had to cover my mouth with my hand to prevent myself from sobbing then and there. Cassian was standing too, worry all over his face. But he knew. I knew he knew.

I couldn't breath. I knew people were calling my name. I knew Mor was by my side but everything felt numb. I needed to get out of here.

I didn't look out as I ran out of the townhouse. Into the cold air, through the falling snow. He's my mate. Cassian is my mate.

"Gods, Y/N, you're gonna catch a cold out here." His voice alone soothed me. He appeared in front of me, wrapping a cloak around my shoulders to keep me warm.

"How long?" I looked up at him, his face blurry through my tears.

"Let's go back inside, I don't want you to get sick out here," he avoided the question, which only made me angry.

"How long have you known, Cassian?" I raised my voice. I wiped my tears away so I could see him better. The sun was beginning to set but the faelights outside were shining on his face.

"I knew the moment I saw you. It snapped immediately." He said quietly. He looked down at his feet, not daring to look at me.

"Why didn't you tell me?" My voice was barely above a whisper. I was trying to hold it together now but my voice was failing me.

"How could I?" Cassian looked up and it was then that I noticed the tears in his eyes also. "After what they did to you. After everything you've been through... I couldn't put that burden on you."

"A burden? You feel being my mate is a burden?"

"No, never." He reached his hands out like he wanted to hold me, but he lowered them and took a step away from me. "I didn't want to scare you. I wanted the bond to click into place for you. I wanted you to be ready. But I will never force anything upon you. If you want to reject it, I will be okay." It was hard for him to say that. I know he didn't mean to but I could feel him send his sadness through the bond.

I stepped directly up to him, he straighten up but didn't move away this time. He was watching me nervously. I wanted him to hold me. I needed him to make the first move. I don't want him to be scared either.

Warmth spread through my body as he gently placed his hand on the side of my face. I let out a small cry as I placed my hand on top of his, wanting him closer. I looked up at him. "You do not scare me, Cassian. There is no one in this world that makes me feel safer than when I'm with you. And I am honored to be your mate."

Cassian let out a cry of relief as he pulled me into his embrace. We both stood there in the snow, holding each other so tightly, crying with one another. After a few minutes he pulled away first, both his hands cupping the sides of my face now. His thumbs wiping away the few tears on my cheeks. "The honor is mine. And I will give you the everlasting love you deserve, for eternity."

"As will I," I reached up and wiped his tears also. "I will need your patience. I would like to go slow."

Cassian's eyes went wide and he took a step back from me. "Of course."

I laughed a little and grabbed his hand pulling him back to me. "This is just fine." He smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist. "And I would like you to kiss me." A blush formed on my cheeks as I said that. I hadn't kissed a male in over a century.

"You sure?" He asked. I nodded slowly, he leaned in closer and when he was just mere inches away from my face I closed my eyes. Finally his lips found mine in an achingly slow, gentle kiss. He was holding me so softly, as if afraid he would hurt me. "You're it for me. I'm never letting you go." I leaned into his touch, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

"Should we go back inside with the others?" I asked, nuzzling my face into his chest.

"Yeah, we should." He replied but neither of us made an effort to move. "They're watching us from the window."

I whipped my head around to look at the house behind me, multiple heads jumped away from the window. I laughed and shook my head. "They're always so nosey."

"Let's go. It's getting cold." Cassian and I held hands as we walked back inside. He took my cloak off for me and hung it up. Everyone was sitting at the table acting totally normal.

I noticed Mor has taken my seat, pretending to be in a serious conversation with Elain. Rhys was trying to hide his smile behind his drink. Cassian pulled out the empty seat from beside him, allowing me to sit down before he took his seat. My face was red as a tomato but Cassian had a smug grin on his. They were all pretending like nothing happened, that this was all totally normal.

"Did you guys know it started snowing outside again?" I spoke up finally, a smirk on my face.

"What?" "No way." "I had no idea." They all said as a chorus. Then we all started laughing. Thank the mother for that.

Cassian grabbed the edge of my seat and pulled me closer to him, wrapping an arm around the back of my chair. I grabbed his other hand and held it in my lap with both of mine. I need the connection.

"So did you all know?" I had to ask. I wasn't mad. I found it funny actually.

"Know what?" Rhys asked, playing dumb. Then a devilish grin formed on his face.

"I told Rhys the moment I knew, Az suspected the same day." Cassian told me.

"I figured it out easily," Amren said, her arms crossed over her chest and a bored look on her face. "He stares at you constantly."

"I do not!" Cassian said loudly and everyone laughed again.

"She does the same, don't worry." Mor smirked at me and my eyes went wide.

"I do?!" I didn't even realize. My face was so red right now.

"Oh, all the time," Feyre spoke up. Cassian squeezed my hand, begging me to look up at him. When I did his face was so full of happiness, my heart felt like it was melting.

He leaned down and whispered in my ear, "Do I have permission to kiss your cheek?" I giggled, literally giggled. Who am I? Where did this side of me come from?

"You have my permission and may do so anytime you want," I whispered back. He kissed my cheek with glee. I was so happy. I loved the affection he was giving me. He was respecting my boundaries and accepting that I wanted to go slow. But I now understood that with me wanting to accept the bond he was gonna take any affection he could get from me. I wanted to give him everything but I need time.

"I think we can all agree, Cass and Y/N, we are very happy for you both." Rhysand raised his glass to us. Everyone copied, raising their glasses as well.

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clarisse0o · 8 days

Text

Camp Wiegman-Part 68

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words: 6K

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Sunday, March 6th; 10:30 AM - At Ona's place.

- "We have something to tell you."

That was the sentence that greeted Lucy and me after breakfast this morning. It was just the two of us, and I think my mother took advantage of the moment. Knowing the girls, they must have come home late last night. As for us, we walked through the front door at 2 AM, and from what we saw, Ingrid and Mapi's bedroom door was still open. Our evening had been magical, full of joy and emotions. I wish I could relive it over and over again. I was happy. It was a feeling I hadn't experienced in a long time. Unfortunately, I sensed it would fade given the situation we were in.

We were seated on the couch with my mother and Marcus in front of us, both looking very nervous. Joan had stayed upstairs to play. I suspect my mother sent her up there.

- "So? Are you going to tell us what's going on?" I asked after two minutes of silence.

- "First of all," my mother began, "we're very happy to welcome you into our family, Lucy. We appreciate you a lot, and it's not just because you make my daughter happy."

I glanced at my girlfriend, who smiled and nodded gratefully. I could tell she appreciated being accepted. Still, she would always respect my decisions if something were to happen, knowing that I had been estranged from them for a long time. Things were beginning to change. My mother was making efforts toward both my brother and me. She had acknowledged her mistakes. Unfortunately, it wouldn't erase all the months and years of suffering I had endured with her in the blink of an eye. We would have to work hard on our relationship, and I knew I had work to do on myself as well.

- "I hope your love lasts in happiness, just like Marcus and I are experiencing..."

I stared at her intently. I often wondered if my father had meant anything to her when I saw her with Marcus. I would say yes, but did she love him as much as this man sitting across from us? Neither of them ever spoke to me about their relationship. It was as if they tried to forget it, and in the end, I was the one who had forgotten what they were like together.

- "Is something bothering you, Ona?"

I realized I had drifted into my thoughts, staring at them as if they were a point of focus. I shook my head.

- "No, no. Sorry. I was just thinking."

Lucy placed her hand on my thigh, giving me a supportive smile. I knew she could tell I was unsettled.

- "Maybe we can talk about it?"

- "No, it's fine. I don't particularly want things to escalate."

Whenever we talked, it always ended that way. I didn't need Lucy to witness another scene like that. They were often intense, and I didn't want her to see me in a rage. It's not like she had never seen me like that before, but she didn't need to see it again.

- "Come on, we can talk about it, I'm sure."

I sighed deeply. She wouldn't let it go. She never does. I looked her straight in the eyes and stayed honest.

- "I know you're going to announce your wedding. I thought about Dad, that's all. No one has ever talked to me about your relationship, so hearing you say that makes me feel like he never existed."

I could tell my words hit home. She probably hadn't expected such a candid response.

- "I..."

She was at a loss for words. I had managed to leave her speechless. That didn't happen often.

- "Y-you're right. We were going to announce our wedding, but that doesn't mean I've forgotten your father. Don't get me wrong, Ona, I loved him deeply. We just had some differences that ended our marriage."

- "I know. I was just thinking that I barely remember you two together because no one ever talks to me about it."

My response created an awkward silence, and I realized it had been misinterpreted. They probably thought I would react badly. That was often the case when it came to my father. Lucy knew that all too well, having already been the victim of one of my anger episodes at school.

- "It's fine, really. I didn't mean anything by it. You can continue," I encouraged them with a wave of my hand.

- "No, you're right. I shouldn't announce our news without talking about your father first. We intentionally never brought up our relationship with him to avoid hurting you or making the situation worse at the time, but I see now that it's bothering you."

I wasn't expecting that response. My surprise must have shown on my face. My mouth went dry. I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear this story, but she was right. It was bothering me. I had matured, so maybe I was finally capable of hearing it. I was certain of it when Lucy squeezed my thigh. There was no better time. She would support me if I needed it, and she was already doing so with her touch.

- "Alright," my mother began with a nervous cough, "what exactly do you want to know?"

- "Everything. If we're going to talk about it, let's lay it all out now."

In reality, I wasn't sure I could handle multiple conversations about this. I had a feeling none of this would be pleasant, so I figured I might as well hear everything at once, to swallow the pill in one go instead of several. There were so many unanswered questions in my life. It was time for answers. It was what I needed to move on and mend my relationship with my mother. She shifted uneasily in her seat. She was uncomfortable. Marcus had been silent until now, but he offered support by holding my mother's hand. It was clear he knew what was going on, which drove me crazy.

- "It's a long story, but I think it's time you heard it," she began.

I agreed. My progress in self-control was evident. I just hoped I wouldn't explode in the end. My mother took a deep breath before starting.

- "We didn't agree on my career choices. I was young when I had you. You weren't planned... At least, not so soon. Back then, I had big dreams. I wanted to become one of the best surgeons."

A lump was already forming in my throat. I could feel that I wasn't going to like much of what I was about to hear.

- "And I did become one. By the time I finished my internship, people were fighting to hire me. It took a lot of time and perseverance... to the point where I neglected our family at home."

I don't remember that. I don't know how old I was, but I must have been very young, maybe even a baby.

- "I had many opportunities to leave, but I couldn't do that to your father. He supported me from the start, took care of you... And I loved him. Leaving would have been a total disaster. I couldn't do that to him. So I stayed in Portugal for our family."

I knew my mother had lived in Barcelona before meeting my father. My father used to tell me that story when I was young. They met by chance in Portugal while my mother was on vacation there. It was love at first sight. She left home at a young age to live her life with him. I had long wondered if my mother had any regrets. I knew my father didn't. He always wanted me to believe that love could happen in a single glance. For a long time, I didn't believe him. The way he described love, I had never felt it... until the person sitting next to me now. It was no coincidence that I told her last night that she was my soulmate. I didn't believe in such things before I met her.

- "But," my mother continued, "there came a time when love wasn't enough anymore. I wasn't happy, and the situation was getting worse."

The fights between my parents came flooding back to me. If there's one thing I remember about them being together, it's that. It's rather sad that their only child, the product of their love, only remembers that.

- "In the meantime, I was in frequent contact with Marcus... He was an old friend of your father's from the army. He visited often when you were younger, with Sarina. Sarina had left the army after a mission where she almost lost her life. Your father saved her. She later opened Camp Wiegman in Manchester, so she stopped visiting."

My thoughts were starting to come together. Everything was beginning to make sense. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. So, I had already met Wiegman when I was little. She had hinted at it, but I didn't believe her. Once again, I must have been young because I didn't remember her. But Marcus, I remembered clearly. I still picture him sipping coffee with my father during his visits. They were close.

- "Do you remember?" she asked, noticing that I was drifting off.

- "Vaguely," I admitted softly.

- "Maybe you remember Lotte? Sarina always came with her husband and daughter. You spent a lot of time with her when you were younger."

I widened my eyes. Lotte? Really? She quickly realized that I didn't remember. I clearly remember meeting her for the first time when I arrived. She had tried to be nice to me, and I had rudely brushed her off.

- I-I don’t remember.

- Your grandparents often looked after you together during your vacations. You were inseparable until Sarina couldn't come anymore.

I feel guilty. Poor Lotte. No wonder she feels uncomfortable around me. I’ll go talk to her when I return to clear things up and apologize.

- Anyway, she says, getting back to the main topic. Regarding your father and me, he understood that I had become close to Marcus. We were like best friends, confidants. That’s what we were, at first, of course.

It's strange how the images come back to me. The laughter between them, the conversations, and even the little gestures. They seemed so close. I find it hard to believe her words at that moment. A small rage fills me. However, I hold back, determined not to let anything show. I promised myself not to overreact.

- Nothing was happening at that time, Ona. I was always faithful to your father.

She noticed I was skeptical. Maybe it's true, but I have this relentless need to defend my father.

- Your father never blamed me for anything… except when it came to you. He resented me for not taking care of you. You were his only daughter, and he always saw you unhappy because you lacked the love of your mother.

Tears well up in my eyes. At least now I know why I feel the need to defend him. He had always done the same for me. I owe him that much now.

- He was right. I couldn't bond with you because of how little time I spent at home.

- And what did you think? That those yearly vacations would change anything? I snap despite myself.

Those are still my best memories. The only ones where I remember being with both of my parents at the same time. It’s crazy that I can’t recall anything else of the three of us. Maybe that’s why I have this need to travel…

- No... By the time I wanted to do something about it, it was too late. You already hated me. I didn’t know you. Then came the job offer in Barcelona. It wasn’t just anything. It was my city. We had just had a huge fight over you when the offer came in. Your father wanted me to take it, without following me...

The news hits me like a punch. I expected the decision to be made by both of them.

- He had kept too much inside and couldn’t take it anymore. He knew I wasn’t as happy, and it was the opportunity of a lifetime. He let me go out of love. He wanted me to become an exceptional surgeon, and that’s what this hospital in my hometown offered...

My throat tightens. My father is an honorable man. There’s nothing else to say.

- So, we decided to divorce and then figure out custody. Of course, his condition was to keep you… Unfortunately, what he didn’t foresee was that the law would refuse it because of his job, and also because mothers take precedence in these situations.

I blink several times. He had asked for my custody. I can’t believe it. I thought he knew all along that he wouldn’t be able to keep me because of the army. I didn’t know he had asked for custody during the divorce. I feel like crumbling. I could have avoided so much by staying with him, especially the deterioration of my relationship with my mother. Tears stream down my face, and I can’t stop them.

- So, I took you with me. I saw it as a new chance. I was starting the job of my dreams and bringing you along at the same time. I wanted to make up for lost time, take care of you, get to know you. Of course, you never let me, and on top of that, I had a ton of work to prove myself.

My mother also starts to cry. I’ve never seen her like this, so vulnerable. She’s opening up her heart, her true thoughts. Her voice breaks more and more as she speaks.

- All those school summons I received when you were younger… The fights and the false accusations you’ve thrown at me recently... I acted that way because I expected it to be provocation from you. I thought you were trying to defy me because you were a young teenager...

I swallow my tears. I want to yell at her. It’s torture, but I’ll stay silent until the end.

- And what about Marcus coming into our lives? That was less than a year after we moved here. And what about my studies? Why did you force me to take something I didn’t like just to please you?

It’s stronger than me. I had to know everything, and anger helped me let it all out. I did my best to hold it in.

- I had only moved here a few years before you, Marcus explains himself. I came first to support your mother. The breakup with your father affected her, and she couldn’t manage you... The time you caught us was an accident. We weren’t together, and it wasn’t supposed to happen.

- An accident? I scoff.

- Ona! my mother scolds. What Marcus says is true...

- Well, sorry, but I find it hard to believe. I may have been young, but you should have talked to me. Instead, you stayed silent all the time. I have every right to be angry at you! I thought something had been going on for a long time, that you betrayed Dad even before you left!

- That wasn’t the case. I promise, sweetheart...

- Don’t call me that! Everything between you happened way too fast! After catching you, how long? Eight months before you moved in together? Excuse me, but I had every reason to be angry. I had just left my country, left my father, and then I saw you with one of his best friends! You should have known it would affect me, that I wouldn’t accept the situation! And did you even think about Dad? What he must have felt when you told him!?

She’s devastated, really devastated by my words, but it’s only the truth. They handled everything so poorly. Communication is important. It’s not like I wouldn’t have understood at twelve years old.

- We weren’t together, insists Marcus in the face of my anger. I was only supporting your mother through this, and we eventually developed feelings for each other. Your father knew. I asked for his blessing before anything happened.

- You two are such idiots, I snap. If he gave you his blessing, it’s only because he was still crazy about Mom and wanted her to be happy!

My rage grows despite myself. I remember how betrayed I felt on my father's behalf. I can't even imagine the state he must have been in.

- You should be ashamed of what you did to him!

- He knew, my mother sighs.

- And I assure you, he accepted our relationship, Marcus continues. He wanted your mother to have someone by her side.

- Sure, I scoff. You weren’t the one seeing him so depressed when I visited. He wasn’t the same. Even though we still had good times together, I could tell he wasn’t well, and it’s all because—

- He had someone else!

My mother had to raise her voice to be heard over my outburst. Everything inside me deflates. What do you mean, he had someone else? How come I didn’t know? My father told me everything!

- He had someone else, she repeats in the face of my stunned silence. A colleague. Leila. He must have introduced her to you once, back when they were just friends. He was seeing her even before we signed the divorce papers.

Leila... I remember her. She’s right. I only saw her once when I was thirteen, yet that woman left an impression on me. She was beautiful, with almond-shaped blue eyes as lively as life itself. I can picture her perfectly with my father.

- He never had the chance to introduce her to you officially. If he was so unwell, it’s because he didn’t have you with him.

- Why didn’t he introduce her to me?

- He wanted to, but he didn’t know how you would react after how you responded to us. I told him you would react well and that it could even fix things, but he wouldn’t listen. He was afraid you wouldn’t want to see him anymore. He thought deep down, you still hoped we’d get back together...

It’s my fault. I had confided too much in him, and he got scared. I did say those things. I wanted to go back to Portugal at that time.

- Besides, their relationship wasn’t stable. They broke up often. Leila had family far away, so she visited them a lot and wasn’t around much. I think her father was very ill. If not that, she was often on missions at different times from your father. You didn’t go there much... It was hard to find the right time for you to meet her.

I hold back my words. She’s trying to soothe me, but all I can think about is how my father didn’t want me to know about his relationship... I would have accepted it... For once, my mother is right in saying it could have fixed things. I would have felt less betrayed for him. Even if I didn’t accept my mother’s relationship, it was a different story. As if she knew what I was thinking, she continues:

- He didn’t want you to resent him, like with Marcus and me. You rarely visited, so he just wanted to enjoy your company and make you understand that you were the only woman in his life.

I lower my head. Lucy's hand has been resting on my thigh since the beginning. I dare not look at her. I’m afraid I’ll disappoint her with my reaction. I feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being able to hold myself together. I feel guilty that my father might have thought I would resent him. If there’s anyone I would never resent, it’s him.

- He loved you so much, Ona. It’s clear he would always side with you and put you before anyone else. His greatest regret was letting you leave with me.

I can’t hold back my tears any longer. My greatest regret has been losing the greatest man I’ve ever known. It’s always the best ones who leave first.

- I regret it too.

- Ona... Lucy murmurs with sorrow.

I shake my head and wipe my eyes with my arm.

- I’ve lived with misunderstandings that have caused chaos throughout my life. Come on. I promised to listen to everything until the end, so why don’t you explain to me why you forced me to study what you did? To make me better, perhaps?

I’m at my limit. I can’t control myself as I’d like. In the end, learning everything at once has been harder than I thought. It’s hard to believe I was the happiest just a few minutes ago.

- I... she begins, very disturbed by my reaction.

I urge her to continue. I need to finish this. It was the last question I had to feel at peace with my mother.

- I wasn’t on good terms with your father either. Medicine helped me move forward as it required a lot of work. I thought those studies would have the same benefit for you and, on top of that, you’d have a good job... I wanted to act as a good mother, but I was wrong. You simply needed freedom, and I clearly didn’t give you enough of it.

I get up from my seat. I have all the answers I wanted. Lucy tried to pull me back into her arms, but I push her away in the heat of the moment. I don’t want her to see me like this. I leave the living room to go upstairs. On the way, I cross paths with our friends. From the looks on their faces, especially Mapi’s, I guess they must have overheard part of our conversation. It’s the least of my concerns right now. I reach my room and slam the door behind me. I’m simply a bundle of nerves about to burst. I clutch at my hair, looking around. I need to calm down; otherwise, I’m going to wreck this room.

- Ona, Lucy sighs, as she arrives.

- Leave, please. I don’t want you to see me like this.

- Don’t say that.

I clench my fists. Others in her place might have done everything to avoid me right now, but she isn’t afraid to face me. She approaches gently, giving me the chance to retract, but I don’t. I know she’s the person I need to calm me down. She wraps her arms around me delicately and then holds me tightly as I start sobbing again.

- Shh, it’ll be okay. It’s painful, I know, but you needed to know everything.

- They’ve ruined my life. They’ve... I don’t even know what I should be angry about!

I’m gasping. It’s hard to breathe against her neck, but I don’t want to pull away. She caresses my hair and kisses me tenderly.

- Don’t say that. Look how far you’ve come thanks to them... They might have made life difficult for you, but without them, you wouldn’t be as strong.

- Strong? D-do you think I’m strong right now?

- Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, baby... Everyone reacts differently. Right now, it’s a sign of accumulation.

- S-stop, please. D-don’t think I’m an idiot. And don’t defend them. I feel like I’m worthless. Like a damned kid who...

- You’re none of that, my love. Without them, you wouldn’t be the woman you are today. You’d never have learned to fend for yourself. You wouldn’t understand how essential moral values are, how to communicate, or how important family is... Just look at your sister.

I continue to cry, but I listen to her carefully. I can only find some truth in her words. My sister has always been an exception. She’s innocent. I will always put her before the rest of my family.

- You wouldn’t be as smart, as good at mediating with your loved ones...

I start to calm down, recognizing all the qualities I possess that I hadn’t realized before. It’s so much easier to see them in others.

- Without them, we’d never have met. Without them, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with such a wonderful woman... And I could go on and on about all the reasons they made their daughter so fantastic, despite their questionable choices.

I’ve stopped crying since she told me she loves me. I still have trouble breathing, but I’m starting to regain my composure and my senses.

- Without them, you wouldn’t be who you are now, darling...

- Y-you can never help yourself, can you?

She laughs softly. She knows she’s managed to calm me down. I’ll never understand how she does it. She knows me so well. I would have turned this room upside down if she hadn’t followed me. I let go as she kisses my forehead. I’m simply exhausted.

- No, she whispers. I don’t like seeing you like this, and it’s my duty to remind you how fantastic you are. You tend to forget it...

- And what about this wedding? I don’t even want to go after all this.

She sighs softly, brushing away a few hairs that had stuck to my tears on my cheeks.

- Don’t say that now. You’re speaking out of anger. Come on, lie down.

I let her guide me as she pleases. I no longer feel capable of thinking or acting. I lie down first, and she slides in behind me, wrapping me in her arms. My body relaxes completely with this contact. It’s hard to believe I pushed her away when she arrived. Now, I wouldn’t want her to leave for anything.

- I’m sorry, I murmur.

- For what reason?

I shrug as she kisses my collarbone while stroking my stomach. Her touch makes me feel safe. She makes me forget everything.

- For not being able to control myself.

She chuckles softly as she slides her hand under my shirt. It seems I’m not the only one who enjoys our skin-to-skin contact.

- No one would be able to control themselves in these circumstances. You handled it very well, my love. We don’t have to come down before we leave. You need to calm down; your heart is still racing.

As if to show me, she places her hand flat just above my chest. A shiver runs through me as this gesture lifts my shirt, but I don’t complain.

- Rest. We’ll grab something to eat on the way to the airport.

I nod and eventually turn to face her. I definitely wouldn’t be anything without her. My eyes are growing heavy. I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep well if I try now. My mind will be too busy.

- Why do I feel like the world is against me? I murmur, idly playing with a strand of her hair. Do I never get a bit of happiness?

- Am I not your happiness?

She has a hint of amusement. She managed to make me laugh. I lift my head towards her. She smiles at me, running her fingers through my hair in return. I must look awful, but I don’t have time to think as I’m enveloped by her soft lips. She’s definitely my happiness.

- Your mother just answered all the questions you had. Don’t be angry with her again. You were starting to move forward.

- You know, sometimes I think that without me on this earth, everything could have been different between them.

- Don’t say that. I think their story would have ended the same way regardless.

- You think...?

- I do, yes. Your mom may have had you sooner than she wanted, which complicated your relationship... But her professional passion wouldn’t have changed their relationship.

- Do you understand why I don’t want to accept this offer in Portland?

- Given the environment you grew up in, yes. I’m sorry I encouraged you to go there when you didn’t want to. I’m glad you decided to prioritize our relationship, but I hope it won’t be detrimental to you.

- I don’t care, I murmur, resting my head against her chest. I’m not going to abandon the only person who loves me.

- Your parents love you too, Ona.

- Yeah, right, I scoff. Neither of them knew how to trust me.

Your mom has acknowledged her mistake, and I think even before that, she cared a lot about you.

- You’re the only one who thinks that...

- She took care of you when you came back, after Feli. I know, because we talked a bit about it yesterday, before you went downstairs... She cared a lot about you, and she thanked me for finally getting you out of there...

- She cares a lot about you, I murmured.

- And it’s only because I bring you good. She’s happy there’s finally someone who values you for who you are. She regrets never taking the time to get to know you. She’s trying to make up for it now.

- I know, I sighed. It’s hard for me to accept.

- But you want to, don’t you? I know you would have loved to have a connection with her. That’s why you care so much about her taking care of Joan. You don’t want your sister to go through the same thing you did.

- Why are you asking me? You know me better than I know myself. It’s just complicated.

- You appreciated that she took care of you, but you started hating her again when she forced you to go to school...

She understood what was wrong without me needing to say anything. She really knows me better than I know myself. It’s frustrating sometimes. She understood that it was the first time my mother really cared about me and that everything fell apart when I had to leave. I didn’t understand why she had distanced herself from me by sending me to Camp Wiegman. I thought she wanted to get rid of me like a pesky stone in her shoe. It hit me hard. I felt worthless and became resentful towards her, even though I was already very resentful towards the whole world. I even sent Mapi back to her apartment a few days before I left. I felt pushed away when I needed support the most. This decision further strained our relationship. All this was before I discovered the effects of that school.

- She cares about you, Ona. You might not have agreed with all her choices, but she’s done everything she can to make up for it by helping you these past few years. Here you are, getting back on track with a chance for the future, thanks to her.

- Do you really think she cares about me?

- Of course. The first time I saw her, she was all flustered because you were disfigured... Then she seemed happy when she figured us out... I think she was glad to finally discover something about you for herself. She must have felt like she finally knew you.

- Do you think I caused all these problems?

She sighs softly. Her fingers, which had been playing with my hair, stopped for a fraction of a second.

- No, she whispers. Don’t feel guilty, baby. There’s no blame. It’s just a series of situations that brought you to this point. It’s unfortunate, but you were certainly right when you mentioned “misunderstandings” earlier. There was no communication between you.

I prop myself up on my elbows to see her.

- Promise me that our life won’t be like this.

- It won’t be.

- You sound way too confident...

- It’s because I am. You won’t make the same mistakes. Do you think it’s trivial that I’m forcing you to talk to me? You’ve too often kept things inside. It’s time for you to learn to open up. You don’t always have to keep everything to yourself.

- You’re right... So... There will never be any secrets between us. Is that okay?

- That’s okay, she giggles.

- What? Why are you laughing?

- Nothing. There have simply never been any...

I laugh as well, lying back down on her. She’s right. It’s the first time I feel so understood, and it feels good.

- Do you think we should go to this wedding?

A small mocking breath makes her chest vibrate. I lift my head to try to see her, but it’s difficult in this position.

- It would be silly not to go, wouldn’t it...? If she wanted to talk to you, it’s because she wanted you there.

- I didn’t even give them a chance to speak...

- Don’t worry. She should understand. Rest now. We’ll have plenty of time to ask her about the details of the event.

I sigh softly and close my eyes easily. It was emotionally intense, but in a way, I now feel at peace.

#woso #lucy bronze #woso community #ona batlle #barca femeni #woso soccer #lionesses #sefutbol fem #ona batlle x lucy bronze #woso fanfics

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ancunincurator · 2 months

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"I ascend Astarion because I want him to be happy and walk in the sun."

It seems like such an innocent statement, but I find it a little insidious. I think because what I actually hear is, I wasn't listening and I'm not willing to put in the work.

Because, unsuprisingly, I also want Astarion to be happy and walk in the sun, which is why I promise to help him find a way to do so. As a partner. As equals.

It may take many years. Decades even. But after only 6 months together on your adventures, he's already made enough happy memories to counterbalance nightmares born from 200 years of misery. I don't think he'll mind the wait.

Besides, walking in the sun is the end goal. The important part is all the messy, difficult, laborous healing that happens while you work your way toward it. The important part is, to mis-quote Withers, that although he sleeps through the day once again, he no longer sleeps alone.

To sacrifce 7000 souls so Astarion can walk in sun means he never learns that the shadows aren't a sign of his shame, that he isn't a monster simply for being created by one, that he is loved and accepted for all that he is, even the parts that make him feel like a burden.

There is no quick fix to trauma, he will be forever changed, and it is one of the most unfair parts of suffering at anothers hands. But accepting that unfairness and taking on the responsibilty of working toward a better life anyway is when freedom begins.

Sure, everyone has their reasons for ascending Astarion, and it's not that deep for some. And I can absoluetely see how being cured of an ailment at the click of a finger could be wish fulfilment.

But for others, to see a persistent symptom of his trauma wished away without the blood, sweat and tears it takes just stings a little. It feels unearned, unsatisfying, like a story book missing its middle pages to skip straight to the ending.

Just my two cents.

There's also the fact AA wants to drown the world in darkness, so being able to walk in the sun is kind of a moot point for him.

#spawn astarion #astarion ancunin #bg3 spoilers #astarion x tav #astarion x durge #there's many reasons to enjoy AA and that path #but this reason just makes no sense to me #maybe its not that serious #but what if it was #Also I am absolutely injecting my feelings and relationship with trauma onto this #Because this is art! Its supposed to evoke real feelings

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la-petite-lapin · 9 months

Text

Double the Love | Part Two

Double the Love masterlist

Simon "Ghost" Riley x Johnny "Soap" MacTavish x female civilian!OC Word Count: 2.9k Series warnings (may change between chapters): 18+, Minors DNI, angst, mentions of death, mentions of violence, mentions of poor mental health, injury description, eventual explicit sexual content, polyamory, M/M/F, FMC is bad at feelings

They finally meet

One year later...

The message comes out of the blue. The first time I've heard from John Price in a whole month, and it's a fucking text message.

I'm watching TV, curled up in a ball on the sofa next to my best friend and flatmate Winslow "Winnie" Sloane, when my phone pings. I think about ignoring it until I catch a glimpse of his name. It's an unspoken rule between the two of us - we never knowingly ignore one another. Obviously, he can't reply to my messages when he's on ops, but that's different - that's not wilful.

I pick it up without hesitation and take a look.

JOHN PRICE: Tali, I need a favour. It's urgent.

My heart drops.

TALIA KELLER: What's happened? JOHN PRICE: Call me. I'll explain.

So, I do. I tap Winnie on the shoulder and rise up to my feet, shuffling off to my bedroom so I don't disturb her episode of Slow Horses. When I'm safely shut behind my bedroom door, I tap on the call button, dreading what's awaiting me on the other end of the line.

"John?" my voice is full of nerves as the call connects, echoing slightly around the room.

"God am I glad to hear your voice, Tali." He sounds haggard, his own voice tired and hollow. It's not hard to tell that he's fresh off an op. I can already imagine how drained he looks; can picture the dark circles shading his eyes and his scruffy too-long beard.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly brave, I try to talk him into leaving the service. I think about Alex and his death, and I hate that John still knowingly puts himself in harm's way day and night. He's the only serving soldier I know now - I never met any of the other members of their unit - and I desperately wish that he'll retire soon.

"How are you?" he follows up, voice puncturing through my thoughts.

"I'm okay. At home with Winnie. How's Marcella?"

A soft sigh leaves him at the mention of his long-suffering wife. I wonder if he's even had a chance to see her yet. "Last we spoke, she was perfectly fine. Misses you though. You need to come over for dinner soon."

An easy laugh leaves me. Winnie and John aren't the only ones who've been supporting me since Alex died. John's wife Marcie has been there every step of the way too, helping me through rough patches whenever John is away on deployments. And Winnie's never been anything but kind and understanding - it's not in her nature to be anything but.

"Soon," I mumble in agreement. There's a sound on the other end of the line in the background, a murmured snippet of conversation and a drawn-out groan followed by a soft shut up. "Not alone?"

"Got some company," John admits. "Speaking of... does Winslow still have that big trip coming up?"

My palms slick with sweat. Yes. Yes, she does.

Ever since her big promotion six months ago, Winnie's job now involves a lot more travelling than it used to. And - because of that - in three days' time, she'll be in France, starting a month-long assignment helping a struggling marketing firm in Paris.

And I'll be alone.

It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, but I've always had this thing about being alone. It's part of the reason why I live with Winnie; why I've been seeing a therapist since I was sixteen; why I struggle to have normalcy. My current therapist thinks that it's a form of abandonment issues from being orphaned at a young age, which has led to my inability to maintain stable relationships. The therapist before that thought it was something completely different; that I seek to form attachments but wilfully don't, self-sabotaging and creating my own permanent sense of loneliness. But, my point is, I don't react anywhere near as badly to it as I did when I was a kid.

I still remember when I was fifteen and Alex left for his first deployment. I was still living with our maternal grandmother at the time, and I completely shut down. I holed up in my room for almost a whole month, refusing to speak and barely eating or sleeping. I could hardly function for worrying about him...

"Tali?"

I snap out of it. "Sorry. Yes."

"Could you... could I possibly bring some of my guys to your apartment? Just while Winslow is away. Our safehouse in the area has been taken out of action and we need somewhere to lay low for a little while."

My guys. The unit.

"What about your place?" My brow furrows. Surely Marcella wouldn't mind a few guests. She's calm and motherly and takes great pride in hosting. I'm sure she'd be in the element with them.

John clears his throat awkwardly. "Not an option. They don't know."

Ah. The brave, almighty Captain John Price still hasn't told his team that he's married. Typical.

I roll my eyes. "Okay. I hope you know that we're coming back to that later." A beat of silence passes. "How many people are we talking, John? Because it's a two-bedroom flat in London. It's spacious but it's hardly the Tardis."

He snorts out a dry laugh. "Only two. One of the lads is local so he's got family around here he can stay with. And there's some stuff I've got to get done, so I'll be hopping from base to base."

"Where are they going to sleep? Are they going to mind sharing a bed? Because the sofa is comfortable, but I know how you army guys are built..."

There's an awkward silence on Price's end as I hear him shifting around. It takes me a second to realise that he's covering his mouth against his phone's microphone. "Yeah... that's, um- that won't be an issue for them."

Oh.

"Okay. Cool. I'll take them."

I wince. Why the fuck did I say cool? Of all the ways that I could respond and I choose that. Way to go, Tali.

"Are you sure that you're okay with this, Tali?" Price asks, his voice soft and encouraging. "If you aren’t, we can find something else-"

"Price, I'll take them in. Winnie leaves on Tuesday morning, so just have them swing by around then, okay?"

Favour asked and questions answered, we say our goodbyes and hang up. It takes me a second to gather my thoughts before padding back into the living room. The moment I step through the hallway, Winslow pauses the TV, angling her head up to look at me. A cloud of black curly hair frames her beautiful face, dark eyes wide and expectant. "Is John back home?"

I wince, getting ready to launch into an explanation. "Not quite."

Tuesday morning rolls around all too soon. By 9 a.m. I'm sitting cross-legged on the foot of Winnie's bed as she packs up her stuff. I can't help but feel a pang of anxiety strike deep in my chest.

"Are you sure that you're gonna be okay?" Winnie asks, almost like she can read my mind.

I meet her dark, knowing gaze and offer her a smile. "Winnie, I'll be fine. You don't need to worry about me. If I need anything, I can call Marcella."

She smiles, running a hand through her freshly braided hair. The pearls attached to some strands clink together softly. "Okay. Good. But you've got to call me once a week at least, okay?" Before I can reassure her that I will, she adds, "And you've got to text me every day."

"Winslow, I will. Stop stressing, please."

A moment of easy silence passes before the laughter starts. Both of us crack up, her eyes finding mine and holding my gaze.

Once we've both calmed down, I take a closer look at her cases. She's packing almost everything she owns. It's a sight that worries me, so I look away, deciding to look out of the window instead.

A loud, firm knock on the front door saves me just as Winnie is packing up her last suitcase. We exchange a look before I'm up on my feet, scrambling to answer it. I can't lie, I'm curious to meet John's friends. But I'm also sad. Because there's a strong possibility that they knew Alex too. That they were with him when he died.

When I open the door, there's two men standing in the hallway, just like John said there would be. The first has short brown hair styled into a mohawk, the sides cropped close to his scalp but the top and back left longer. He's broad-chested, muscular too; built like a grizzly bear. And, even though his complexion has a slightly pallid hue under the overhead lights, it's not hard to imagine that he's usually quite tan.

And then there's his friend. Standing next to the grizzly bear and at least half-a-foot taller than him, he has the expression of a man who wants to break me apart with his bare hands just to see what's inside. I fight to meet his intense gaze, taking catalogue of the features visible under the dark hood of his black sweatshirt. His eyes are hazel - I think - skin tanned from what I'd assume are long hours spent out in the sun, and I can't quite make out his hair colour. He's equally if not more muscular than his friendlier-looking counterpart. My eyes trail down to his mouth, drawn to the scar bisecting his bottom lip. It doesn't draw away from his attractiveness though; just adds to the sense of rugged charm that I'm getting from him.

Not that it should matter. It doesn't. They're here because they need help; not because they want to be ogled by a complete stranger.

"Are you John's friends?" I ask stupidly, as if they could be anyone else.

The grizzly bear nods. "Aye. And you are?"

Scottish. Nice. I've always loved the accent, but his is even better. There's a humour there; something uniquely his. It makes me want to keep him talking just so I can hear it more.

"Tali." I step back so that they can come inside. They hesitate for a second before following me into the living room, the tall, silent one closing the door behind him with a soft click. "Also John's friend."

The grizzly bear plops straight down onto the couch, stretching out with no hesitation and making himself at home. His arms drape over the backrest, a lazy grin forming on his lips as he watches me take a seat on my armchair. The tall one gives him a reprimanding look, hovering beside the window behind him. His light eyes are always alert; darting around the room like something's going to jump out at any second.

"You army?" he asks, expression wary. His voice is all gravel with a Manchester accent.

I offer him a small smile. "Nope." I don't think anyone could mistake me for a soldier. I'm small - short and slender - and skittish at the best of times. "So... what should I call you?"

Hazel eyes narrow at me. "Ghost."

The grizzly bear rolls his eyes dramatically, offering me a wide, disarming grin. It's blatantly obvious that he's overcompensating for him. "Callsign is Soap, but a pretty lass like you can call me Johnny."

My heart flutters.

It takes a second to remember what John had said on the phone. Sharing a bed won't be an issue for them. The awkward, implying tone he'd said it in. In other words, neither of them are meant for me.

Ghost eases away from the window to stand just behind the sofa, drawing closer to Johnny. Johnny, on the other hand, moves so that he's leaning forward, elbows braced on his knees as he cocks his head at me. "A friend of Captain Price, are ye?"

I nod softly. "Yes."

"Funny that," Ghost barks, tilting his head to one side. "He's never mentioned you." Thinly veiled suspicion drifts off of him in waves, and it makes me feel endlessly uncomfortable. His harsh gaze melts through my skin and bones, boring deep into my soul.

I shift in my seat. "He never mentioned either of you to me, so I don't think that counts for much."

Johnny lets out a loud laugh. "I think I'm gonna like ye, Tali. Not many people talk back to 'im."

It's in that moment - as I'm silently praying for the floor to open up and swallow me whole - that Winnie steps out of her room, suitcases in tow. She walks into the living room, depositing them by the front door before coming over to introduce herself, a sceptical look on her face.

She levels Ghost with an icy glare, not looking away from him as she asks me, "Everything all okay here, Tali?"

"Yeah, it's alright Winnie." I gesture to each of John's friends in turn. "Winnie, this is Johnny." He raises his hand and waves, still grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "And that is Ghost." I point to looming, ominous figure behind him.

"Ghost?" she repeats slowly. I nod. "Okay, well I'm leaving now. Tali, I love you and I'll miss you. Remember to call me." She bends at the waist to hug me, wrapping me up in her warm, vanilla-scented embrace. As she straightens, she glares at each of the men in turn. "And you two - don't give her any shit. If I find out you've made her feel uncomfortable even once, not even John will be able to save you. Got it?"

Johnny stares up at my friend, mystified. His blue eyes are bright as he nods. "Don't worry. We won't be any trouble."

Winnie turns back to face me. "Right, I've got to go or I'll miss my ride to the airport. I'll be back before you even know I'm gone, okay?"

"I know," I say, my voice soft. "I love you. Be safe and text me when you land."

With a nod, Winnie presses a gentle kiss to the top of my head then gets her last few bits together. And then she leaves. Leaving me alone with two complete strangers. Yay.

"So," I grumble, struggling against the urge to shy away from their intense gazes in the safety of my room, "do you want to see where you'll be staying?"

Later that night, the three of us gather in the living room to watch TV.

The guys didn't have much to unpack. They travelled light so I'm going to have to go shopping sometime soon to buy them some essentials; more clothes and toiletries. Definitely food too. If dinner tonight was any indication, they eat a lot.

I'm curled up in my armchair again, watching something that Johnny chose on Netflix. Every once and a while, I glance across at them. Ghost is sitting upright, legs stretched out in front of him. His legs are so long that his feet are tucked under the coffee table. And then there's Johnny. He's laying on his side on the sofa, his head resting on Ghost's muscular thighs. Every now and then, Ghost's hand runs down the length of Johnny's side, stroking him in soothing, rhythmic motions.

Looking at them, I can't help but feel a sense of longing. Jealousy that they're together and obviously quite happy. That they're comfortable enough around one another for these subconscious displays of affection.

I'll never have that. It's something that I've come to accept. I'm twenty-five now and I've never had a serious relationship. I don't even think I want one. For a period of time in my late teens, I thought that I might be aro-ace, but over time I've gathered that I do feel romantic and sexual attraction. It's just different.

The sad truth is that I don't trust anyone enough to believe that they'd stay with me. Love me. Make me feel safe enough for displays of casual affection. There would always be that looming sense of dread that they'd leave me sooner or later.

In my head, I've justified it. If I don't get into relationships, no one can leave me. Alex's death all but solidified that for me.

The rom-com Johnny picked out gets to a comedic scene - a naked beach fight - and he starts to chuckle. I join him and I swear even Ghost lets out a little snort. We're all laughing until...

"Fuck. Johnny, you're bleeding."

My heart crawls up into my throat. My eyes snap across to them, blatantly looking now. The white t-shirt Johnny is wearing is plastered to his side, a red patch seeping through the fabric, spreading across his ribs.

He sits upright, holding it with one large hand. "Ah fuck. Didn't get any on the sofa, did ah'?"

"Fuck the sofa," I splutter out in a panic. "Are you okay? Why are you bleeding? Should I call an ambulance?"

Johnny looks back at me with a quizzical expression while Ghost just sighs, standing up. He walks towards the bedrooms at an unhurried pace, stopping along the way to press a chaste kiss to Johnny's forehead, placing a loving hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry, darling, I'll get the bag." Hazel eyes swing towards me, where I'm still panicking in my armchair. "His dressing just needs changing, and I'll check his stitches. He's fine, love."

I ease back into my seat, heat rushing to my cheeks. "Oh."

Ghost leaves the room, heading into my bedroom to get the aforementioned bag. I've decided to give them my room for the duration of their stay because it has an en-suite. It eliminates the risk of me accidentally stumbling in on them in the shared bathroom that doesn't have a working lock. Overall, it's safer for everyone that I'm staying in Winnie's room.

Feeling more than a little foolish for my outburst, I offer Johnny a weak smile. "I'm going to go to bed now. Goodnight, Johnny."

"Ye sure?" he asks, blue eyes tinted with a hint of... something. Maybe disappointment? I don't know. "The movie isn't over yet. You seemed like ye were enjoying it." His brow furrows. "We could watch something else."

"I'm sure. It's fine; I'm just tired. We can watch another movie tomorrow night if you want."

His eyes light up at that. "Yeah, sounds perfect."

I'm back in Winnie's room by the time Ghost leaves mine. I can hear his footsteps padding down the hallway. Hear their muffled conversation and muted laughter.

As I fall asleep, I can't help but feel a different kind of loneliness. And, as I drift off, my heart aches for what Ghost and Johnny have.

a/n: guess who's back! so Tali has finally met the boys :) sorry if this part is a little short, just wanted to get something out in time for christmas for you guys - merry christmas and take care of yourselves, lapetitelapin

#cod #fanfic #ghoap x reader #ghost x reader x soap #simon “ghost” riley x reader #soap x reader #callofduty #cod fanfic #cod x reader #ghost x reader #female reader #romance #angst #poly #johnny mactavish #johnny mactavish x reader #johnny soap mactavish x reader #johnny x reader x simon #double the love

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system-of-a-feather · 1 year

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For realsie though, I really wish I could look at the people who are diagnosed with DID and get upset at people "making it look like a fun disorder to have" with some level of sympathy or empathy, but I really honestly think that rhetoric is really honestly destructive as a means for self soothing and one I really just can't stand personally.

Like this disorder sucks ass and the reason it happened sucks ass and recovering with it sucks ass, but I don't see that rhetoric as any better than stating that "anyone who went through that could NEVER recover or live happy".

And I get where that comes from, I do, but at a certain point in trauma processing, stabilization and recovery, things start to click that trauma is over and PTSD inherently is referencing an event that has already passed. Trauma sucks. Severe chronic trauma SUCKS, but that's the past and - while its a LOT more difficult than it is to just say - that past REALLY doesn't have to define the present even a quarter as much as trauma makes it feel.

Of course, I understand and get those who feel like DID is horrible and a hell disorder - I 10000% understand that and its a valid feeling / opinion / statement to make, but to claim that it is impossible to have fun, be happy, and make casual content and just genuinely make the best out of a shit situation; or to claim that anyone with DID would be totally dysfunctional and miserable and unable to do XYZ - it's just... really self depricating and a huge negative self fulfilling prophecy don't you think? Also not to mention a LOT of projecting?

Other people don't deserve you forcing your self loathing and pain onto them. You are allowed to hate your situation, you are allowed to hate your disorder, you are allowed to feel and think and experience your experiences however you want, but a line is drawn when it comes to displacing that hatred, those feelings, those thoughts, and those experiences onto others and demand that they should meet your standards of misery.

I apologize, but I'm not going to pretend like DID stresses me out when I'm really not stressed by it anymore because most of our regular parts are actually decently connected and coordinated with one another. I'm not scared of them and they aren't scared of me. I'm not fighting them and they aren't fighting me. We got trauma but we also got, ya know, a life going and the trauma gets less and less prevalent and intrusive as time goes on so, life's honestly pretty lit and I really love to see other systems heading in that direction.

I think everyone should aim to be happy and at peace with their disorder. I don't understand, empathize, or support the idea that someone had to meet a standard of misery to be "real".

(TW: suicidal ideation and physical abuse mention)

If I take medication that makes it so I don't scrub my hands raw and have panic attacks over having not eaten a salad "recently" thus meaning I am going to rot from the inside out and die, does that mean I am faking having OCD? If I take medication and improve my life so that I only pluck my hair once a month, is my Trichitillomania faked? If I stop having suicidal ideation, does that mean I was faking being suicidal the whole time? If I stop having bruises, does that mean I faked being beaten as a kid?

(TW cleared)

Recovery and peace should and does not ever invalidate the truth of the pain suffered and the struggle overcome. Happiness and joy can co-exist with the truth of hurt, pain and suffering.

Trying to hold the two as mutually exclusive is a huge part of why a lot of people get stuck being miserable. If misery is vital for honoring your pain as real, it is very hard to let that go and let yourself be happy again, because if you are happy, what will attest to give your pain justice? But pain, justice, misery, and happiness - they can all co-exist and honestly, that's a really important thing to learn and understand in my healing journey as it really opens up doors to letting trauma go.

Your pain doesn't define your truth.

Your truth is your truth.

It will stay true regardless of if the pain persists or leaves.

#alter: riku #ptsd #c-ptsd #cptsd #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #ocd #physical abuse mention #recovery #healing #syscourse #discourse

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askfallenroyalty · 1 year

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my thoughts on finishing AFR (tumblr version)

Firstly, thank you all so, so so much for reading.

5 years ago, on February 19th, 2018, 2:24 PM I posted the first AFR comic. I drew it thinking it'd be a nice little project for a few months, and then I'd move on. Little did I know it'd become a huge passion project and something that's brought me many, many tears and laughter. It's been a journey making this thing, I can easily say I am hardly the person I am when I first made this. I've learned so much about myself, the world, and what I wanted to say in comics.

AFR didn't become a serious project until I realized Asriel and Chara's story hit home to me and I realized I had something more profound to say than just "heehee silly ut comic where siblings squabble." Now it's become a story about growing up, and the life after the "happy ever after." What does it mean for "everybody to live?" well, you live. You suffer. You cry and laugh and it's everything you want and you fear. You wake up another day.

It's no secret that Chara and Asriel are heavily based on myself. Every OC and every character I can put my grubby little hands on have been influenced by me. Yun's excitement for monsters, Mew Mew's loud declarations of frenzied thought, Hol's quiet, head-in-the-clouds nature... the list goes on. Knowing the characters now, I'm excited for the redraw as I can paint their stories from start-to-finish properly. It pains me more than anything I can't just say "here's a finished product, fully and forever." But one step to getting there was finally finishing the tumblr version. So even if I were to die, or lose my ability to draw, I can say: I told my story. I made it real. It's messy, incomplete, and not at all what I aspire it to be, but it's here. And that means, so, so much to me.

Never again will I be accepting story asks. Never again will we see what crazy thing Asriel and Chara are up to in their journey into adulthood. While the story will continue to develop, it has it's ending.

I've grown, a lot. I started this when I was 21 years old. I've had a on/off relationship, I've learned I'm neurodivergent, I've moved out of my abusive dad's home. I've had so many jobs in that time. I lived through the pandemic (not that it's over) and I've made and lost (out of touch) friends along the way. I am Sam. I drew AFR. I still have so much left to do to make it fully realized but I did it.

And in that time people have offered me grammar and spelling corrections. Advice, suggestions, fanart. You've sent like, I can only imagine to be at least a thousand asks in this amount of time. You guys have been a huge part in this comic being made. Even as the story moves more and more away from the "Ask" part of the title, you guys made it so much more fun, thought provoking, and exciting.

So while my minds a bit scattered and I'm kinda jumbled up, I just want to say with every bit of myself: THANK YOU!!!!!

I understand if many of you don't choose to stick around for the redraw, I'm more than thankful to anyone who's read this far (or heck, just one tumblr post is enough. I feel seen.) and if you so choose to stay, I look forward to sharing a million more little moments with you. ^_^

Thank you and I wish you the very best, have a good life. Peace and love on the planet earth <3

#doodles #ooc

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rise-my-angel · 1 month

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I love how you phrase it. I criticise ships for being toxic and I get told "it's fiction. Stop being a puritan" and really it's a criticism of them striving for such a harmful thing to happen to the characters. "Oh well it doesn't reflect on my character". I mean, as an example, who wants to see Robb die the way that he did? Nobody sits there and goes, "oh boy, i'm going to watch the most soal destroying scene in Game if Thrones history and I'm going to enjoy it". Nobody enjoys that scene. It's so good exactly because of how much nobody enjoys it. But it's the tropification of such media that makes people think they can list off their demands for the story and expect everything to happen, playing out like a map that gives them a pass through every hurdle for this stuff, so they think they should want these fucked up dynamics to happen, but they also don't want the soul crushing that is involved in those scenarios, like Jon realising he fucked his aunt. They just want the drama without the consequence. Like... Guys you're doing media wrong. I don't know any other way to put it.

I am of the opinion, that there is nothing wrong with taking your own morality, ethics and life experiences, to better connect with a story.

The reason we tell each other stories, is so we can truly bond with one another about the complexities of human life through fictional stories. We do not have to worry about perfectly related to it, because it was never real. But parts of it will always be real to someone in some way. We will always connect to characters through our own lives and morals and it is important that we respect that.

Enjoying dark stories or disturbing content does not make you a bad person, only when you let those disturbing contents dictate how you see the real world is it bad, not the other way around. We can enjoy a show when characters go through bad things they do not deserve, because if it is well written, filmed, acted, it puts you in that scenario and make you root for that character to escape it and get better. It's good not because of the bad, but because we all hope for them to escape the bad before it's too late.

I like that it took a series of traumatic events for Jaime Lannister to reach the point where he was capable of turning his life into something meaningful. But I do not enjoy watching him suffer, nor do I wish it took that trauma in the first place. I like that he fought against a horrible situation, but that doesn't mean I wanted Jaime's hand to be cut off in the first place, or for him to be humiliated and beaten into the mud and mocked. I like watching it, because I hate what is happening. I want to see him get up and fight back, and watching him go through that journey is worth it for where he ends up on the other side.

I like the concept of Jon getting to the exact point Jaime Lannister did, of sacrificing what is considered honorable, to do the right thing. Killing a Queen he is loyal to, to protect his family, his people, and to protect the other millions of people in Westeros from suffering the same fate he just watched one million people brutally perish from. I like the realization that as much as his father raised him to value the right things, Jon comes to his own conclusion that Jaime sacrificed ever having that image in order to do the right thing, instead of the honorable one. That your loyalty and oaths mean nothing if you just stand by and watch as millions of men, women and children burn alive.

I hate the journey that took him there. And not in the same way as Jaime. The journey Jon took was traumatic to the point he will never truly recover. Sleeping with a woman who has kept him hostage for weeks if not months, only to soon after find out that he was related to her in the exact same way he previously thought he was related to his mother? Jon likely would never be capable of a normal relationship after that, he would be traumatized for life and be extremely messed up about it. Likely in the same way that Theons torture and mutilation left him unable to pursue a normal relationship after that trauma.

I do not think anything a shipper could've gotten out of that relationship is worth the harm that it caused. I think, that it is reasonable for me to use my own sense of morality, and my own life experience of relationship based sexual trauma, and determine that it is unhealthy to WANT to see Jon go through all of that, just to get to the few parks that were "romantic". It was not worth it in Jons eyes, so why should it be worth it in mine?

Jon Snow is one of my favourite characters, and I shouldn't want to make him suffer and feel trauma just to see the outcome I want. I don't connect to Jon because he is a prop for my entertainment, I connect to Jon because of my own life experiances make me feel like I relate to his struggles. Why would I ever ENJOY or LOOK FORWARD TO his suffering, just to get him to an end goal I like?

I'd rather Jon not reach that end goal, if the only way is to put him through life changing trauma that he likely will never truly recover from. No one should want that, and they don't. But they refuse to acknowledge that in order to get to that goal the way it did, Jon had to go through those things. Jon had to be put in a complicated amount of pain and suffering that ultimately did not improve his life. But they do not want to look at it. So they ignore the reality of what is being shown, and focus on the small moments that they can ship.

This happened with Ygritte too, they share a scene of banter when south of the wall and it is the only proof they have to point that it was all worth it, when Jon clearly was actually suffering the entire time.

Small pockets of good are not proof it is all good. Abuse is a cycle, and part of that cycle is there are good moments. Moments that remind you why you like this person, and they are by design so that you are not pushed too far too often and decide to leave them. The good does not wash out the bad. Nor the bad, the good. It all adds up to a full image of was this worth enjoying for the pain it put Jon through, and my answer for both his relationships is no.

I don't get to just ignore the suffering it takes to get somewhere for a moment or two of ship worthy content. I can't ignore it and I won't ignore it. Because in my life, I would not be able to ignore the suffering I was put through, so I will not ignore Jons, because my ability to relate to his trauma is part of why I am attached to him. So I do not consider so much harm to be worth such small outcomes when the outcome in the end of the big picture, was just more harm.

Fiction is meant to be related to through your own life and morals, that is how we connect to characters and stories. Because of what in our own lives do we see in the fiction, and how that makes us feel. So I think disregarding the fact that certain ships are the result of putting a character through unfair and unnecessary harm, is not okay behavior.

If you're someone who is not bothered by the trauma Jon goes through in a Jonerys ship, that is your experience of that ship, but you should recognize, that the harm does exist. And you should not want that harm to happen to that character willingly, or turn a blind eye to the harm just to pretend everything is alright and always was.

I respect the art of storytelling to much to pretend that not caring about the harm a character goes through, doesn't somewhat reflect on who you are as a person. It doesn't say everything about you, but I think it says enough.

I think Jonerys is a ship that harms Jon more then it could ever benefit him, and I think it is unfair to the character he is, to want him to go through that inevitable harm just because you enjoy what little good there was, if there even was any in the first place. Because the harm is there, even if you pretend you're not looking at the harm, it's still there, and you know it.

You are just choosing to pretend it's not, to make yourself feel justified.

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