ancunincurator

[ancunincurator]

I've seen someone say that when Astarion falls in love it makes him horny, referring to he and Tav/Durge not being able to keep their hands off each other after the graveyard scene. And yes, I agree.

But...

I really think he wanted you thouhout your time together. But when sleeping with you, despite the genuine attraction, still made him feel the same as it always had he knew he needed time to relearn (and unlearn) some things.

I mean...

What if he asks you back for a second night together because the first felt so very different than usual and, maybe, if he tries again the good feeling will last this time.

What if he has to constantly swallow the bitter pill of finally wanting to be sexual with someone but not knowing how without being taken back to dirty allies and lustful fools.

Think about the yearning. The yearning people.

Think about his in-game kisses.

The way one kiss has him lean into you as though he's never kissed before and never will again. As though he wants to consume, devour, you.

The way another kiss has his hand rest against your backside, and as the kiss deepens and tongues begin to tease, he decides one hand is simply not enough and brings the other up to match. Groaning the whole time.

I love the idea of Astation deeply wanting, and knowing he's wanted in return, but that nothing has to come of it. He can kiss and tease and touch and enjoy the fun of it without fear it has to be more. He gets to experience desire and love as seperate entities until they weave their way back together and he believes once more they can exist as one.

This is why when Lae'zel is fed up with all the PDA, I can only imagine how bad it is. The built up tension from weeks or months mixed with a first and fresh new love must make them unbearable.

And I eat that shit up for breakfeast, lunch and dinner

[ancunincurator]

"I ascend Astarion because I want him to be happy and walk in the sun."

It seems like such an innocent statement, but I find it a little insidious. I think because what I actually hear is, I wasn't listening and I'm not willing to put in the work.

Because, unsuprisingly, I also want Astarion to be happy and walk in the sun, which is why I promise to help him find a way to do so. As a partner. As equals.

It may take many years. Decades even. But after only 6 months together on your adventures, he's already made enough happy memories to counterbalance nightmares born from 200 years of misery. I don't think he'll mind the wait.

Besides, walking in the sun is the end goal. The important part is all the messy, difficult, laborous healing that happens while you work your way toward it. The important part is, to mis-quote Withers, that although he sleeps through the day once again, he no longer sleeps alone.

To sacrifce 7000 souls so Astarion can walk in sun means he never learns that the shadows aren't a sign of his shame, that he isn't a monster simply for being created by one, that he is loved and accepted for all that he is, even the parts that make him feel like a burden.

There is no quick fix to trauma, he will be forever changed, and it is one of the most unfair parts of suffering at anothers hands. But accepting that unfairness and taking on the responsibilty of working toward a better life anyway is when freedom begins.

Sure, everyone has their reasons for ascending Astarion, and it's not that deep for some. And I can absoluetely see how being cured of an ailment at the click of a finger could be wish fulfilment.

But for others, to see a persistent symptom of his trauma wished away without the blood, sweat and tears it takes just stings a little. It feels unearned, unsatisfying, like a story book missing its middle pages to skip straight to the ending.

Just my two cents.

There's also the fact AA wants to drown the world in darkness, so being able to walk in the sun is kind of a moot point for him.

[ancunincurator]

It just dawned on me that Astarion's confession after killing Yurgir doesn't simply come from a sense of gratitude that you helped him, but from the realisation that his plan is working and yet he doesn't feel good about it at all.

Not only doesn't feel good, but to quote Astarion himself, he feels awful about it.

Imagine how it must feel for real romantic feelings to weave their way between cold-hearted habits, instincts, imprinted across 200 years. Forming cracks in the wall he built to keep any unuseful emotionss away. And instead of reinforcing the baricade, he decides to tell you how he feels, willing to let it crumble away peice by piece.

Which is why, perhaps, the confession post-Araj can feel a little less sentimental. Because it's more a reflection of how Astarion sees himself than a reflection of how Astarion sees you.

Just a thought...

[ancunincurator]

What if Astarion not approving when you say he can feed on you, so long as you talk about it first, has nothing to do with him feeling like you're just another fool who's fallen for a seductive fantasy.

What if, instead, he approves of you giving the go ahead to feed on "villains we're going to kill anyway" because, at this point, Astarion is starting to process all the horrors of 200 years. He's suddenly feeling every suppressed emotion that only hits you upside the head once you're out of the traumatic environment, once your brain feels like it can let out the breath it's been holding. He's hurting and wants to make the world hurt with him.

No one ever looked out for me. No one ever said a kind thing to me.

Finding someone who will let him unleash all the anger, unleash the monster, without any judgement must feel very freeing at first. It's quick and cathartic and less expensive than therapy. Not to mention the massive middle finger it gives to his abuser to feed on a dozen people a day after 2 centuries of forced near-starvation.

Maybe the act of offering him your neck, treating him like a normal person who can be trusted with your life and the very serious task of gaining consent is just not what he wants to deal with at that moment. Too much responsibility. Too many expectations.

I can't be what you want to see in me.

I don't think he'll ever not enjoy draining your enemies dry. But perhaps if the "About you biting me" conversation would have happened in a later act, his approval might be given out a little differently.

[ancunincurator]

he’s just beautiful

[ancunincurator]

There's just something about Astarion not having a reflection of his own, having no concept of himself for 200 years. That whoever he becomes, Sunwalking regent or Radiant hopeful, is because of what he's seen reflected back at him when he looks at you. Depending on whether you see a man who's more than his affliction or a monster who should embrace it, that's what he will become. Because yours is the only insight into how the world sees him that he cares about, and he trusts you enough to believe it, no matter what you show him.

I want to know what the world sees when it looks at me. What you see.

There's just something about how Astarion goes from thinking of himself as someone with only one talent, that he has nothing else to offer you and, inevitably, you'll find someone better and leave.

To someone who with his whole chest, heart and soul declares out loud without any hint of doubt that of course you like him simply for who he is, why is that so hard to believe?

There's just something about Astarion's personal quest having nothing to do with the main story line. How willingly walking into a vampire den to free him takes precious time away from what you actually came to the city to do. But you care enough to do it anyway.

And then he holds the power of 7000 souls in his hands, a power he's said he will share with you, something else he finally has to offer and would be proud to give you. But instead you remind him again he has plenty to offer without it, and in that moment he knows you truly didn't bring him here out of desire for his power but for his freedom. And maybe that's the last piece that falls into place which finally makes him believe you when you say he is enough.

But I dunno.

[ancunincurator]

There's just something about how Astarion goes from thinking of himself as someone with only one talent, that he has nothing else to offer you and, inevitably, you'll find someone better and leave.

To someone who with his whole chest, heart and soul declares out loud without any hint of doubt that of course you like him simply for who he is, why is that so hard to believe?

There's just something about Astarion's personal quest having nothing to do with the main story line. How willingly walking into a vampire den to free him takes precious time away from what you actually came to the city to do. But you care enough to do it anyway.

And then he holds the power of 7000 souls in his hands, a power he's said he will share with you, something else he finally has to offer and would be proud to give you. But instead you remind him again he has plenty to offer without it, and in that moment he knows you truly didn't bring him here out of desire for his power but for his freedom. And maybe that's the last piece that falls into place which finally makes him believe you when you say he is enough.

But I dunno.

[ancunincurator]

Can we please talk about how when you ask Astarion what it is he wants to show you in the city before the graveyard scene, he responds with "Something I haven't show anyone else."

Like...his grave, the place where his torment began that has sat undisturbed for 200 years, is the one and only thing he has left that he can share with you and you alone. That no one else has seen or touched or taken. Something just for the two of you as he chooses to truly live again.

[ancunincurator]

Bloodied Astarion

[ancunincurator]

I love you. I love this. And I want it all.

[ancunincurator]

Astarion musings #2

Adding on to a point I made in this post about Astarion planning to turn you when he ascends ever since he learned about the ritual's power...

Just to be clear, I don't think for one second Astarion plans to make you his spawn, not before he ascends. As power hungry as he is, that hunger comes from fear of being a pawn in someone else's chess game and needing to become king to keep from getting so easily kocked off the board. But he doesn't see you as a player looking to use him for your own gains. In fact, as stated by Durge's funky little butler, you're the only person in the world he isn't afraid of. But I believe he is afraid of losing you, in more ways than one, and so he plans to stop that from happening. And while his #1 goal is to ascend for his own sake, we know that he cares deeply about your safety too.

"I'm also worried about me, But somehow, I seem to be worried about you more." (He says this to Durge btw)

As manipulative as he is in Act 3, driven by proximity to Cazador and prospective freedom I assume, I think he fully intends to share his ascendant powers with you as equals so you can take on the world together. Forever. (Because forever sounds nice in the moment, but in 1000 years? We all know he hasn't thought that far ahead). This is before he knows the true cost, of course. When there's enough gaps in knowledge of the ritual to fill them in with fantasies.

You won't be a spawn, it will be different, you'll see it clearly when the time comes.

And even if we ignore his fear about losing the one thing that's brought him comfort in 200 years, there's also the fact he is the most insecure about not sleeping with you. About having nothing to offer other than "New burdens to carry". So what could be a better prospect than providing your lover with eternity and unfathomable new powers? Which is why I actually love that we have to persuade him not to ascend. He doesn't believe he is enough, but even with this new potential right there in his grasp, you tell him the same thing you always have:

That he is and always has been.

It's so important to portray how different life can be just by having the right people around to show you a new way. He's drowning in shame, fear, the potential of power. But you can be the hand reaching down to pull him back toward the surface to take his first breath of true freedom. It's also why I love that he doesn't drink from Cazador to become a true vampire (assuming he doesn't need Cazador's permission). Because it shows he's ready to accept who he is and isn't striving to be anything more.

Because of all this, more than anything ascended Astarion just makes me sad. I mean, I enjoy digging into the darkness of it. The potential of that storyline is so juicy and I love a monstrous vampire. But my fragile little human emotions get hurt when I see it. Ascension is a twisted wish. That desire to share power to keep a loved one safe becomes covetous. He could share it with you, but why create a competitor? While spawn and ascendant both fear losing you, spawn fears losing someone he loves, someone he's learning to live again with. Ascendant fears losing you because he's on a winning streak, it would sting his pride terribly if you were to leave. He didn't learn anything, he's still afraid. And while you're the only one he can trust, it's not unwavering. You'll belong to him or you're not worth the risk. Ascended Astarion literally says, if you refuse to become his spawn and break up with him, that you didn't become part of his conquest. As if you're something to beat into submission, subdue and take ownership of.

And I know ascended Astarion isn't some stranger who wears Astarion's face. He's what happens when you stop trying to be better, to be more than the hurt and the terrible things that happened to you. It's accepting the world view that's been beaten into you: that power is freedom, and freedom is doing whatever the hell you want without fear or consequence. And if you're not strong enough to take that power for yourself? Well, then perhaps you deserve to suffer, darling. It's a far easier way to cope with trauma than the alternative, to try and claw back any semblance of the world view that was beaten out of you, or create a new one for yourself. It's a path I've walked, am still walking, and I stumble all the time.

And as a side note, in regards to what Neil said about spawn wearing a mask... We all do. Sometimes it's to project who we want to be, or who we're trying our hardest to be. Sometimes it's to hide how bitter and wounded we feel. But better to wear a mask and try, to work towards a day when you won't need it anymore, then to throw it away because you've given into your worst self and the world can kneel or rot.

So yeah... I think Astarion always intended to turn you. But not always in the worst way. First it was out of love, then out of possession. But both times out of fear.

[ancunincurator]

second life

[ancunincurator]

Some Astarion musings...

These are some headcanons I felt like jotting down. Feel free to discuss your own interpretations.

The second time he propositions you, I truly believe he is already into you. Not love, or anything close to it. But the way he lets you in on the game just feels like it's because you're not really part of it any more. I know some people view this as Astarion toying with you, being cruel and potentially mocking. And I definitely think he's playing with you, but to me it's because he enjoys your company and isn't really using these tricks on you any more, and trusts you enough to let you in on it. The way he reacts if you turn him down, admitting your time together was special to him. The way he says it's hard not to have fun with you when you play along with him. I don't think he realises how deeply he's started to fall into his own trap.

I think, if romanced, Astarion always intended to turn you once he ascended. Maybe not into his spawn, but he intended to grant you immortality. What drives him to desire ascension? Fear. What drives most of his actions and reactions? Yup, you guessed it. And while it was immensely brave to open himself up and enter a relationship, can you imagine the new layer of terror that comes with loving someone? To have something to lose when you've only ever had yourself to worry about? When you speak to him after his siblings attack the camp, he can say "I'm doing this for you too, you know. To make sure we're both safe. Forever. For good". He says it with such intention. Forever. For good. But you don't have forever together, not unless he can do something about it. Which also makes sense why AA sees you as a possession, because he ran away from that fear of losing you by making sure he gets to keep you forever. (Also, I don't think Astarion is manipulating you when he says he wants to ascend for you both. Though he does it plenty in act 3)

A silly one, but I've seen people say that the graveyard sex was a spontaneous moment of passion. However, when you ask him before you both leave for the graveyard if he's giving up on walking in the sun, he replies that he's "Re-accessing what I want. What I really want." And my goodness... the tone is dripping with desire my friends. It's like The leg thing™ but in words. So I think, for maybe the first time in his life, Astarion had a plan from beginning to end.

I think Astarion was wild back in his magistrate days, a real hedonist. I'm talking regular orgies, hungover rulings, a true nepo-baby making the most of his beauty and youth. And I think 200 years later he feels nostalgic for it, but it's really only the feeling of privilege, freedom and the lightness of someone without trauma that he misses. I've never done the brothel scene with him, but I've seen it. When you go post Cazador he says he wants to "Try enjoying things like this again". He only says this after a night of passionate sex with the one he loves where he was totally willing and present and he felt good the whole time. So I think, at that moment in the brothel, he's riding that high. It takes him back to the old days for a moment. But then during, he's harshly reminded he's not that young elf anymore, he feels fingers bump over the scars on his back and is suddenly a million miles away.

[ancunincurator]

Should’ve went for the wizard instead

[ancunincurator]

for either way you choose you cannot win

[ancunincurator]

Hehe