#And I have to take my meds every 5 hours religiously

[chris-sales-belly-ring]

This recovery is so miserable.

It hurts to do everything. 😩

[prussianmemes]

you should kill yourself if you spend 12 minutes sorting around your notes on your desk, making sure they look messy but also the prettiest ones are on top, posing your textbook open and having the most "academia" looking web page or lecture slides on your laptop screen before taking a picture and posting it on your social media story while quietly scrolling through songs to put with it.

[williamsmaddie]

[ greta onieogou, female, she/her ] — whoa! MADDISON “MADDIE” WILLIAMS just stole my cab! not cool, but maybe they needed it more. they have lived in the city for TWO YEARS, working as a FASHION MAGAZINE ASSISTANT. that can’t be easy, especially at only 30 YEARS OLD. some people say they can be a little bit STUBBORN and DEFENSIVE , but i know them to be COMPASSIONATE and GENEROUS. whatever. i guess i’ll catch the next cab. hope they like the ride back to BROOKLYN!

B A S I C   I N F O R M A T I O N

full name: maddison avery williams.

nickname(s): maddie

age: thirty (30)

date of birth: june 21st, 1994

hometown: san diego, california

current location: brooklyn, new york

ethnicity: half black, half white

nationality: american

gender: cis female

pronouns: she/her

religion: not religious

political affiliation: left wing

occupation: fashion magazine assistant

living arrangements: living with teagan wilds

language(s) spoken: english and spanish

F A M I L Y

parents: clayton williams, 68, psychologist and professor at ucsd. victoria avery-williams, 66, divorce lawyer.

siblings: ethan williams, 40, married. amber williams, 35, engaged.

P H Y S I C A L    A P P E A R A N C E

face claim: greta onieogou

hair color: black

eye color: brown

height: 5'8

tattoos: a dolphin on her right shin, carpe diem written on her ribs, under her left boob and a rose with thorns on the back of her right arm - all done in australia

piercings: three in left ear and two in right ear

clothing style: there's no such thing as overdressed and a minimal closet

usual expression: always with a smile on her lips

distinguishing characteristics: smile, soft brown eyes

H E A L T H

physical ailments: none

neurological conditions: none

allergies: nuts

sleeping habits: if she's stressed, she either sleeps for 5 hours or wakes up every hour

eating habits: there's more take-outs than she'd like to admit

exercise habits: reformer pilates twice a week and strength training with a PT another 2 days

emotional stability: a solid 7 unless it's fashion week, then it's down to a 2

sociability: due to her kind and bubbly personality, she is very sociable but has a hard time having tight relationships

body temperature: cold feet at all times

addictions: online shopping and tiktok (she blames her content creation side hustle for the endless hours she spends on the app)

drug use: never

alcohol use: she loves her end of the day red wine glass

P E R S O N A L I T Y

positive traits: compassionate, generous, empathetic

negative traits: stubborn, defensive,

fears: failing at her job and disappointing her family

F A V O U R I T E S

weather: blue sky, sunshine and a breeze, the perfect spring weather

colour: purple

music: pop and indie

movies: devil wears prada

sport: american football

beverage: mojito

food: taco tuesdays

animal: dolphins

H E A D C A N O N S

maddie is the youngest of three, born and raised in san diego. daughter of a psychologist with a phd and a divorce lawyer, emotions were always talked through. however maddie never truly thought hers were as valid as the rest of her family's.

with a 10 year gap between her and her older brother, ethan, maddie always looked up to him. he was always the golden son, straight a student and quarterback that got him a scholarship to ucla. after that, there was med school, a surgical residency and a family of four.

she worked really hard throughout her teenage years to get in her dream school and follow her brother's footsteps. in high school she was the cheer captain and the president of the fashion club that she founded herself. while academically she didn't have the same aspirations as her brother, as the youngest she was also allowed to dream out of the box.

fashion and arts had always been something maddie loved from a young age. it was normal to find her painting or sweing outfits for herself, sometimes for her sister.

amber and maddie never saw eye to eye and would spend days fighting. amber was always a free spirit in the family and very opinionated. maddie would often dime her light to let her sister shine.

by the time she graduated high school, maddie had gone through a bad break up that changed a lot of the way she thought. she ended up deferring from her first year in ucla and against all odds, she went backpacking across the globe.

from southest asia to australia where she stayed for longer than she anticipated and lived to the fullest, away from all the expectations of home. her last stop was south africa for a month before heading to south america where she volunteered teaching english at schools and learned spanish fluently.

by the time she returned to the us, she had found her own person and went to college to study fashion. it was during this time that she got closer to her sister and after she graduated, they both moved in together in a little apartment in santa monica.

the fashion job market was really hard to get in and maddie started working in social media, styling small influencers for exposure and doing content creation on the side herself. it didn't work out the way she thought it would and she ended up working for a social media agency for 2 years.

she was almost giving up when the dream opportunity found her and she moved to new york city to be an assistant at a fashion magazine known world wide.

living in the city for the last 2 years with a roommate that has become like a sister, teagan wilds, less than a hour away from her brother and her twin nieces, maddie can't complain about her life right now. she's waiting on a promotion to become a stylist at the magazine but she wants to keep herself grounded in case it doesn't happen as soon as she's expecting it.

[malwarewolf404]

If there were eight of me it’d be all over for every other person in my life. Like if I had seven identical clones there is not a single thing I would need from anyone else.

Like Maslow’s heirarchy of needs? Let’s take it from the bottom.

Phsycological Needs: (food, water, sleep, warmth, sex)

*rolls a D8* “Okay, Mal #4 looks like you’re our lucky winner. Your job while we’re at work is to be the House Hunk. Your diet’s going to consist of Muscle Milk and rare steak. You’re going to use my gold’s gym membership to work out every day until you’re ripped and chunkier than my favorite bear bartender. After your workout, you’ll come home and cook for us after we get off work. You won the dice roll, so your job will also involve satisfying each of us every day. And obviously you’ll be in the middle of the Mal Pile each night for bed. Congrats!”

Safety Needs: (Personal and Financial security, Wellbeing)

This is probably the easiest category. There are eight of me. That means at least six incomes, even if one of us gets hurt. I could get cheap single-payer healthcare, and who the hell would know that clone #3 came into the ER instead of the original? (I guess tattoos might give it away, but those can be replicated.) Also if Joe Schmoe ex-boyfriend tries to threaten me or something he’s going to have to contend with a small army of 6’4 clones all wielding army-grade combat knives. It’s a perfect system. Plus I could even use the income of a couple clones to save or invest!

Social Needs: (Friendship, Intimacy, Family)

Point conceded, it might get a little lonely with just me, me, me, sexy house husband me, myself, me, hipster me, and I. But consider, eight of me means 7x the potential social interaction. I could just go out into a bar and meet eight new friends and then have them all rotate between another me. Boom, each of us has just made eight new friends in a couple hours. Family might be a bit more tricky, might have to take turns visiting my sisters and grandparents, but I could figure it out. Intimacy though? That’s not even a problem that needs solving with eight of me, that’s just making every hug I get a dog pile, the absolute best possible way to recieve a hug.

Esteem Needs: (Freedom, Recognition, Self-Confidence, Attention, Competence)

“Good morning #3, you look really handsome today! Hey #5, do you feel better now? I know work was really tough yesterday, but just show your boss how dependable you are today, alright? What’s that? You wanna trade jobs with #7? Okay, let’s do it! Thank god #6 came up with that cross-training idea last month so no-one’s pinned to one occupation! Except you, #8, nobody codes our game quite as well as you! I can’t believe how fast that came along, feels like yesterday we were doing the writer’s room for it, and now we met our kickstarter goal! What’s up #4? You’re sore from the gym again? Everybody, group massage on #4 before work! #2, can you get out the massage table? Thank you sweetheart I love you!” Tell me the negatives.

Self-Actualization: (Transcendence, Achieving full potential, Seeking happiness)

You know I was going to concede this point to Maslow, but you know what? There are EIGHT OF ME in this hypothetical. I think the only thing that could be considered more an achievement of one’s full potential was if there were like twenty of me! And as far as seeking happiness goes, I could have all seven clones each do a trial month of seven different antidepressants and anxiety meds and record which ones work the best! A process that can take years could be achieved within a month or two! The only problem with that would be finding eight different psychologists lol. The big hurdle is transcendence, and because it’s such a personal, phenomenological thing, it’d be hard to experience it specifically and bring all my clones with me in the same way I’ve described with most other things. Although, I could have each of them work on a unique treatise of my personal religious philosophies and ideas, and then I’d have seven books of my religion to read and try to have the same experiences with them. Or, have them form some kind of chanting circle and try to put me in an auditory-induced trance where I overcome the cycle of life and death? It’s an idea.

Point is if I had eight identical clones it would rock. Every night would be a self-cestual orgy endcapped by a “Where the Wild Things Are” style cuddle pile. Every day my collective income would be worth a week’s pay. And, I’d never need to depend on anyone for much ever again.

Now the only problem is finding a doctor capable of sequencing my genome and speeding up my aging enough to where my clones are my age in a relatively small amount of time. And also finding seven surrogates, or some kind of vat I could keep them in until they’re grown. And also putting eight identical boys with a predisposition to mental unwellness through fast-tracked grade school. Also kind of being my own dad seven times? Okay on second thought this is starting to sound like parenthood, and absolutely not worth the effort.

[torque-witch]

🖤 Torque’s Witchy Wishlist 2020 🖤

Hello everyone! For informational purposes I am 28 and live in the US. If you would like to reach out to me for address info, please DM me privately here on Tumblr or on Instagram @dhdivination. These are where I will most likely see your message 🖤

1. Follow me on Instagram! 2021 will be the first year I am (hopefully) running my Etsy shop completely as my sole income! This is where I spend the most amount of time per social media and where you will see my art first. Every follow, like & share helps me support myself financially 🖤

IG: dhdivination

2. Follow/Buy from my Etsy shop! Every sale helps me keep up with bills, health insurance, medication, etc. I chose to quit my office job in April of 2020 as I am immunocompromised from Crohn’s disease medication as well as complications from comorbidities and should not work in the public during a pandemic (they refused to let me work remotely). My health is unpredictable, and this allows me more freedom to take care of it and buy things that help accommodate my illness like medicine, mobility aids, medical creams for skin conditions, pain relief, etc.

I currently offer crystals, Tarot readings, Tarot bags, rune sets, spirit boards, religious statuary, witchy wall decor, vintage home decor and crochet beanies.

Death’s Head Divination

3. Etsy Wishlist

Please support small businesses this year first wherever possible! Even if you don’t buy anything for me, some of these shops are people I know that could really use some help. Browse and see if there’s anything you like too 🖤

4. Buy this witchy planner for yourself (or me!) and share with your friends!

Plans & Intentions Day Planner

Lauren Kelly is a great friend of mine and created this awesome planner for anyone to use. Although it is sold through Amazon, you are still supporting an Indigenous creator and she did it this way so that it is accessible to everyone. You can also browse her other works and blog here

5. 💲💲💲

Frankly there are a lot of things I could use in order to run my business a lot smoother - a printer, ink, better paint brushes, restock of business cards, shipping supplies, stickers, ring light, light box, phone tripod, etc. I also pay a weekly fee to sell my items at auctions!

If you’re feeling generous or just want to buy me a coffee I would appreciate it!

6. Show me your art! Show me your friend’s art! Show me art you like! I’ll reblog it and try to get more eyes on them to help support artists and makers 🖤 If you want to send something via Ask or Submit, both are open.

7. Send me your podcast recommendations! I’m home alone for most of the day, so these really help me stay productive and feel like someone else is there.

8. Follow Bitxhin’ About on Spotify (or wherever you listen to Podcasts)

Another creation by Lauren Kelly and Megan Giselle that is super informative, inspiring & full of hot takes on topics that need discussed that definitely affect the witchcraft community and humanity at large.

9. Please be kind to essential workers right now. Most places are still understaffed, people are working long hours and they have to deal with crappy people all day long as well as being put at risk for illness. Tip where you can and be patient or say a kind word, leave a good review at places you visit often 🖤

10. If you need/want witchcraft books, buy from Portland Button Works first before Amazon if you can afford to!

Shop run by @upthewitchypunx

11. Send me your ghost & paranormal stories! I always love hearing them and will share them where possible 🖤

12. Drink some water & take your meds!

13. And finally if you’re feeling frisky - send me a letter! Mail is always nice when it isn’t bills, and I’ll be sure to send you one back 🖤

❄️ Happy Holidays and Merry Wishmas ❄️

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[caffeinatedcake]

Tips to Succeed as a Pre-Med

Hi Guys! I’m currently finishing up my final semester of pre-med classes and am getting ready to prepare for the MCAT. I learned so much through these past 2 years and thought it would be fun to compile a list of all the lessons, tips, and tricks that allowed me to maintain a high GPA (3.8)!!

Some background information about me:

Major: Psychology

Minor: Chemistry and Biology

Commitments:

Division III student-athlete: 20-30 hours a week

Executive board for my sorority: 5-10 hours a week

Cabinet position for Phi Delta Epsilon: 2-3 hours a week

Tips:

At the beginning of the semester look through every single class syllabus and note all the dates for exams, papers, projects, or assignments. I put all of these dates into my online calendar and made sure to have reminders for all of them. My semesters get extremely busy so keeping track of dates helped me stay on top of my work and manage my time in the best way possible.

Ask upperclassmen and other students for help, especially when it comes to scheduling classes or writing lab reports. The reason I’m able to take my MCAT early is because I spent a month asking various upperclassmen in different majors what their schedules were like, what professors were the best, which professors to avoid, and their study tips so I would not have to retake any classes. Along with this, upperclassmen tend to hold onto class materials from previous years (old exams, lab reports, syllabi, etc.). These resources could help you gain a better understanding of a specific professor’s exams, how to write a cohesive lab report, or better understand the structure of a class. 

Fight for EVERY POINT. I know this sounds annoying but in the end, you don’t want to miss a grade by 1 or 2 points that you could’ve gotten back. A lot of the classes I got As in were actually by the thinnest of margins and it was mainly because I was willing to fight for points I thought I deserved. It definitely makes you come off as that classic, annoying pre-med student but at the end of the day your grades are important to some degree.

Figure out a study strategy that works for you! Quality over quantity! You don’t want to be wasting hours studying inefficiently because classes get tougher and more time-consuming. Knowing your preferred study methods is super important because of how much time it will save you! I personally read the textbook, hand-write my notes, and use Quizlet RELIGIOUSLY! Some of my friends only need to attend a lecture and then do practice problems consistently. The faster you figure out how you like to study the more time it will save you in the long run!

Pick a major that you will genuinely enjoy. Pre-med core classes are difficult and can be taxing. It helps to take classes that you actually enjoy along with these classes, or pick a major that you know you will like because that will lessen the burden. I picked psychology because I loved the subject in high school and because the department was extremely friendly at the university I attend. Since I find my psychology classes extremely interesting, it makes studying for a bland class like Physics way easier because I know I have something fun to look forward to. 

Schedule time to do things other than just work. The biggest mistake I made freshman year was studying too much and focusing on activities that would boost my resume. My grades actually improved when I cut down on the studying and constant working and decided to schedule a weekly day off. During this day I would spend time with friends, catch up on sleep, or just vegetate. Maintaining your hobbies and passions is super important because then you will have other things to focus on and you won’t get burnt out!!

Remember that a bad grade doesn’t define you. This year was the year I failed my first exam and while it was tough to get over, I tried my best to use it as motivation to do better on the next exam. I try to think of every negative event in my life as a learning lesson and that exam taught me that I needed to change my studying habits for that specific class.

There are multiple paths to medicine. I think people put too much of an emphasis on the traditional route, where you graduate in 4 years and then go straight into medical school. Even though I’ll be taking my MCAT early, I’m also open to taking a gap year to work in research or scribe! I love the surge of youtube videos and stories made by people who have non-traditional paths because it shows you that hard work and perseverance will lead you in the right direction for you, whether that is medicine or not.

Please remember that these are the lessons I’ve learned through my experience at a competitive pre-med school and that all of these might not necessarily apply to everyone. If you guys have any more questions about pre-med don’t hesitate to reach out to me, I’d be more than happy to help!

[dxmedstudent]

Do the even ones greater than 50!

That’s quite a few, but fortunately I need a little relaxation right now.

52. Do you ever want to get married?On the whole, yes. I don’t believe it should be religiously necessary, and I respect people who object to the history associated with marriage, or who think it’s just a piece of paper. It sounds like a financial pain in the butt, and it’s a risky move, logically speaking. But to me, it represents a conversation between two people that their life together is no longer provisional; a confirmation that they want to spend their lives together and work together as a team. I’m a realist; many marriages end in divorce, and I have as good a chance as anyone else of falling victim to those statistics. And it’s OK if things don’t work out; life can be complicated. But I also believe that when you meet the right person, there’s something special about agreeing to take that leap of faith together, and trying your best. Knowing someone feels that way about you must be an irreplaceable feeling.

54. Have you ever been cheated on? No, and I hope not to be.

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Introvert who’s had to pick up enough extrovert skills due to work and adulting. But really, I revert to introverted given half a chance.

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with?Time travel or teleportation. Maybe flying. Do healing powers count as a talent? Lol. Realistically though, I guess I wouldn’t change who I was. Not because I’m perfect (far from it); there are lots of skills I’d love to have the time to develop. But I think it’s better to focus on what you can do now, rather than what you would have wished to have been.

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in attraction at first sight; I’m mortal, and very occasionally when I meet someone something inside goes “!!!”, but it’s usually a multifactorial thing, and it rarely happens on my first interaction with someone. But, that’s not the same as knowing someone intimately and loving them for who they are; this is not something that can happen instantly or be rushed. Most of my crushes developed over time. Maybe it doesn’t help that I am faceblind, which usually complicates things. This can make online dating harder; a picture on its own means little to me;someone can be absolutely gorgeous like a painting, but leave me cold or be completely forgettable. Talking is therefore a very important part of the process for me; you gain a much better idea of how well you click.

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? Yep, every few months since my mid 20s. I was gifted with greying hair since my late teens, and my ascension to silver-hair has rapidly gained pace since my mid 20s. My hair is greyest at the temples, which means that my usual hairstyle hides it pretty effectively. I’m quite a low maintenance person when it comes to my hair; I really just want to brush it, tie it in a bun and get on with my life. So I dye it as close to what is left of my natural hair colour as possible. I wish I had the time and energy to do something more dramatic with my hair, but medicine isn’t the easiest job to do wacky hair things. One day, I’ll let myself go natural with my hair, but given that most of my seniors in their 40s or 50s are less grey than me, I’m not quite ready to embrace the look, yet.

64. Would you go against your moral code for money?I hope not. I don’t care about money enough to compromise the things I believe in, but I’m also fortunate that I’m not impoverished. I know that’d be a much more difficult question to answer if it came from a position of severe financial need. It’s easy to say you wouldn’t do something for money when you are comfortable.

66. Who are you jealous of?I don’t believe in indulging feelings of jealousy (or envy, since the technical term jealousy doesn’t seem to fit here?), but in working through any stigmatised, negative emotions you feel. I’m not someone who gets particularly insecure about seeing other people’s lives on facebook or instagram etc. We all want different things at different times, and life is not a competition. Someone else’s happiness does not take yours away.

But in the loosest sense, sometimes, when I’m halfway through a set of 12h shifts, revising in my off hours and too tired/busy to see the people I care about or indulge my interests? I look at people living their normal 9-5 lives, with the time and energy to spend with loved ones and indulge their hobbies, and I feel a twinge that makes me re-evaluate my relationship with work because I too just want to be happy and maintain some semblance of a work-life balance. And if you just hang out with medics, you get a really warped perception of what a normal, healthy life is, so it’s actually important to hang out with non-medics too, and realise that there’s more to life than obsessing over medicine. Life needs balance, and I’m happy that people sometimes remind me of that, even if it’s at times when it gives me complicated feelings about it all.

68. How long was your longest relationship? My longest relationship is with myself, and with my parents who have put up with me for over three decades. My longest friendship has lasted since I was around 8 years old; we still talk regularly even though my best friend from primary school has now moved abroad! I’m still in touch with friends from secondary school, and even talk to some med school friends who I met in my previous degree pretty much daily. In comparison, no romantic relationship has lasted nearly as long, but they’ve lasted as long as was realistically feasible at the time. That’s not a competition; we put romantic relationships through a very different kind of process, because they are essentially an extended interview for a particularly intimate place in your life.

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? Be a feminist. Nothing like a guy that respects women, treats me like a person and understands the importance of consent.

But really. Most people? Nothing. If you don’t like someone, nothing is gonna make them sexy, no matter how alluring they might try to be. But if you like someone, isn’t almost anything they do kind of sexy because they are the one doing it? I find someone doesn’t even need to be trying to be remotely sexy if you like them, it just sort of… happens. Half the fun is the way that your gaze lingers over small, almost imperceptible details and mannerisms that make them who they are. That’s my excuse for getting uh… distracted by the most random things, anyway!

72. Are you in a relationship?I’ve retired from online dating and am seeing someone. There are a lot of things going on on my life right now (and theirs), so I’m just happy to take things one step at a time and see what happens.

74. Are you a bad person? I don’t believe so? At the very least, I hope I can try my best not to be. I try to be kind, and to do better. I try to learn from my mistakes. I don’t believe in passing value judgements on people lightly; most people aren’t ‘bad people’, and by stigmatising making mistakes, we can make it harder for people to admit their mistakes and learn from them. And it makes it harder for people to process their feelings and past experiences and work on doing better.

76. What did you do on your last birthday? I don’t remember that I did anything at all on my last birthday, actually. I think I took the day off work, so I must have done something; I’m pretty sure I celebrated with a few friends and family, because I always do something, even if it is something minor. But it’s been years since I did 'big’ birthday meetups, because it’s impossible to get most of my friends in the same place these days.

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? Be bereft. I don’t really know how to answer this question; does it want a description of the entire grieving process? Needless to say, the sudden death of someone close to me would be a huge shock.

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? Do my best to spend time with all the people I care about and let them know how much they mean to me. Probably write some letters for their future selves, to make sure I got everything across. Give them all something of mine that I thought they would like, so they’d have something to remember me by.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? I’ve been single for much longer than I’ve ever been in relationships, and I’ve been perfectly happy single for the majority of that time. There’s a self-contained peace to living a happy, fulfilling single life, and I don’t believe that being single deserves the stigma that it sometimes gets. I get a lot of hassle from relatives about being single, but that was always frustrating because they assumed I must be miserable when I really wasn’t. That said, spending time with a person who makes you happy is also a pretty nice feeling, and contributes something a little different to your happiness. It can make an already nice life a bit nicer, even if it isn’t technically essential to live a nice life.

84. What is your happiest childhood memory?I don’t know that I can pick one. I have fond memories of birthday parties, or playing with my friends or sister. Fun days out in the park. School assemblies. That kind of thing.

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? No. I had a very vivid inner life as a kid; lots of stories about what the toys got up to, but they weren’t my friends as much as they were players in our stories. Maybe it’s because I had a sibling that I never really needed an imaginary friend.

88. What is your ideal career? Helping people, but then also getting to write/draw about it, and helping other people who help people.

Because competitive 'staying in bed all day with cats and a hot drink’ is not a real job, apparently.

90. Are you conservative or liberal? Liberal. Nothing much to say here; that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who reads my blog.

92. Do you like kissing in public? No. I’m a shy person by nature, so sloppy PDAs don’t come naturally to me. I also don’t like being stuck next to couples who are getting pretty intimate on the tube, so I don’t like the idea of making others comfortable by forcing my own romantic interactions on them. I’m a much cuddlier person in private, as my loved ones will attest.

94. Where would you like to live? I have no set plans, which is just as well because you never know where life will take you, between work or relationships. My parents never planned to end up where they did, so I remember their example and try not to get too hung up on planning exactly what form the future will take; because you really don’t always know where you will end up. But I’d ideally like to live in or around London, close enough to family and friends that they can remain a part of my life. To me, being able to spend time with the people you care about is important self-care, and ultimately important for my happiness.

96. Describe yourself in one word.thoughtful.

[truthfulrebellion-blog]

Hysterectomy

Let’s call it what it is. No pussy footing around it. A necessary evil on the way to the end game: phalloplasty. I had been waiting almost six months to hear back about my approval for phalloplasty. I currently have health insurance through Kaiser Permanente, and they had a laundry list of things for me to do in order to present my file to the medical board. I had to transfer my files over from the organization I was seeking healthcare through, as it was cheaper than paying out of pocket for an endocrinologist, to Kaiser. I also had to obtain letters from two medical professionals confirming my need for bottom surgery. The whole process took nearly a year and several trips to medical facilities nearly thirty miles away from my home. My case manager finally called and said in order for the final review to occur, I had to get a hysterectomy.

At the time, I thought that was done by the surgeon performing the phalloplasty at the time of the phalloplasty. With Kaiser, that is not the case. They want anything and everything they have the capability of doing done within their facility. Likely to keep costs down. I didn’t mind. My hysterectomy was scheduled for December 15th, 2018. I had to get blood tests done and watch several videos that didn’t pertain to my situation regarding the procedure. The videos are, obviously, geared towards women. I did what I needed to do and prepared myself for the surgery date. I got a call to move my surgery up about 10 days, even better. Then not 24 hours before the surgery, I received a call stating that it was being delayed for a week. My new date was the 11th. This was terribly inconvenient as my care giver for after my surgery had already taken off work for the original surgery date.

I walked into the facility to check in about an hour early. I had yet another interesting surprise. The surgery was going to cost me money. $475, or close to it. Luckily, I had the money. I was very upset that I wasn’t told about this ahead of time, however. I am paying for the most expensive coverage this company offers so I had as little to pay out of pocket as possible. In the grand scheme of things, $475 is better than $10k. It still would have been nice to know before I showed up. If you have Kaiser, please make sure you know exactly what the costs are before you walk in the door.

I got checked in. I had to remove all of my clothing, put on a hospital gown & surgery cap, and take one final per break. I also forgot to mention I had to stop eating at midnight the day of and wipe my body down with these pre-surgery wipes. I was hungry and my skin smelled weird. They hooked up my IV, fed me my “lunch”, and several doctors came in to ask me questions and verify information. My surgery was supposed to occur at 3pm, but was delayed until closer to 5/530. My surgeon came in to make sure I knew what was about to take place. He also talked to me about a surgeon for bottom surgery in Arizona or New Mexico he was going to refer me to. He had given me the name in our prior consultation. When I looked that surgeon up, I was horrified. The man was fired from the California region Kaiser Permanente for botching transwomens vaginoplasties. The guy didn’t even specialize in phalloplasty. I expressed these concerns to him and told him it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to partner with him for any trans surgeries. Hopefully he heeds my advice. He confirmed that after the surgery, he would stick to the decision to refer me to Dr. Jens Berli of Portland, OR.

I knew nothing of Dr. Berli. There are no results to been seen online, barely anyone who has undergone his procedure even talks about their results, and I couldn’t find any other information besides his starting point in Maryland. I found his Facebook page and did some pretty intense research on him. He seems to genuinely care about his patients and has a passion for what he does. His only negative review is from someone who never had surgery with him because of a communication issue with his staff. Everyone else gave him five stars. So, I figured why the hell not. Hopefully my progress will help others who may be going to Dr. Berli for their phalloplasty be more comfortable with moving forward with him or the surgery itself. I am flying as blind in this moment as some of those who might read this in the future might feel. Trust me. I feel your pain.

I finally went in for my surgery. This time I wasn’t put under until I was on the surgery table. For my top surgery, I was out before I turned the corner on the way to the operating room. The next thing I remember is waking up several hours later and in pain. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was very disoriented. I’m not surprised considering I was on anesthesia. Apparently I wasn’t breathing enough either since my O2 alarm kept going off. I had to stay for an extra hour until I could get my breathing going regularly. Which is hard because I believe I have sleep apnea, and when I sleep I breathe much slower than I do when I’m awake. So I would fall back asleep, stop breathing, and be woken up by the nurses to get me to breathe. I didn’t feel any different than I usually do. I was actually quite comfy. But I’m sure it was uncomfortable for others around me to see me breathe 1-2 times a minute while asleep.

I was in so much pain. The pain meds hadn’t kicked in yet. I had had a total hysterectomy, oophorectomy, and partial vaginectomy. Let me tell you. When your genitals are covered in stitches, sitting fucking hurts. I couldn’t get comfortable. Then I had to go to the bathroom. Lord, that was an adventure in of itself. Once I was done, I had to have the nurse help me pull my maternity disposable underwear and extra absorbent pad on. And to help me get dressed. The was a humbling experience. But those disposable underwear are comfortable AF. I wish I had had more of them. I was only sent home with the 1 extra pair. After I got dressed, they sent my care giver to get the car. They sat me in a wheel chair and wheeled me to the pick up area. Wheel chairs are super uncomfortable. I begged the nurse to let me sit on the plushy waiting area seat, but she told me no. I couldn’t wait to get out of that chair. It hurt so bad.

I’ll spare additional details about the trip home. I was basically in pain in the seat, it took over an hour to get home, and I got right in the couch seat I’d be in for the next week and fell asleep. I had to wake up every 1-2 hours to pee and every 4 hours to take my pain meds. Compared to my chest surgery, the pain of the hysterectomy actually wasn’t too bad. I barely needed any medicine. The worst pain came when I peed. It burned like the surface of the sun, and I could barely get the urine out. This lasted for about 2-3 days. I was bleeding pretty regularly for 1-2 weeks and spotting until the 6th week. I had horrible colored discharge the entire recovery. I actually had to go get adult diapers when my last pair of those comfy underwear got worn out. I couldn’t find any of those huge puffy pads or anything without adhesive.

I think the worst part was not being able to poop. I could feel the poop in my back. I really could. But I could not get my bowels to work. Apparently, this is normal. I ended up pooping on day 5. Best advice? Take stool softeners religiously. I would go so far as to say take a laxative on day 3 or 4 because that poop is going to be quite solid. TMI alert, my first poop after surgery tore a little bit of the inside. Like a hemorrhoid. I’m getting into these details because I wish I had had them. It’s not rainbows and butterflies. It’s bleeding and inability to poop. I also could barely sleep as I had to sleep on my back, and I can’t sleep on my back. I get so unfortable. By day 3 I was sleeping on my side on the other couch. I’m also a bigger guy, so I had to hold my stomach when I got up since there was a lot of pain from my belly hanging. I’m not 300+ pounds or anything, but I do have a beer belly. If you are the same, just be prepared for tummy pain when getting up.

I slept on the couch for 3 weeks. It was so much more comfortable than my bed. And it was easy access to everything. I am almost 8 weeks post op and still get tummy pain. But for the most part, pain and blood free. I do still have discharge coming out. I’ll probably continue to wear the diapers until I run out just in case. I had already ruined a pair of pants when I thought the discharge was done. But after about 7-10 days, I was walking around and driving and doing what I needed to do. It was uncomfortable to sit and bend over, so my roommate had to help with a lot of things. My final observation is to leave the scabs alone. I accidentally picked at my belly scab and one of the dissolvable stitches came loose from my incision. I had that stitch hanging out for at least 2 weeks until it finally dissolved at the base and popped off. My scars look great and my hair has finally grown back on my stomach.

I’m doing all of this well after my surgery, so I am sure I have missed a thing or two. If you have any questions, please give me a comment or a message. I will answer anything.

[myhappyendings32]

Be Still My Past

AN: Hey everyone @unitchiefwives and I want to apologize for the delay in the update life happened, but we are back. We hope you enjoy…

Chapter 4:

Callie’s POV

Life. It’s a funny thing, one minute you’re the happiest you can be and the next minute you have sunk down to the lowest depths of turmoil. Honestly, if it wouldn’t have been for my sister Aria, life in general wouldn’t have been an option. Being there for me every step of the way led me to med school and eventually to being a surgeon. I am now a world renowned Pediatric Surgeon. Considering I am the oldest of the family, it still leaves me astonished to how I was the one being taken care of and protected.

One of the promises I made to myself and my sister was to always support and be there for her while she is following her dream. My sisters dream was to become an Assistant District Attorney (and damn she is one hell of an ADA.)  Which brings me to why I’m in the New York County Supreme Courthouse. Supporting and being there for my sister also means attending as many cases as possible. I loved watching my sister perform, she has a 96% accuracy rate to winning too her 4% rate of losing. She’s become somewhat of a legend around New York.

Today, though I am here on business. I have to testify in court for something so sad. This guys was doing things and...it’s so awful. This is always the downfall to being a peds surgeon, the part where things go wrong for some of them and I don’t mean medically.

This part always messes with me, the testifying part. The fact that I even have to do it is messed up. It bothers me how people in this world can be so cruel.

It wasn’t time for me to go just yet, I had about an hour before I had to meet Aria. I was ready for everything, all I had left to do was get my sister coffee. You’d think she’d be the one giving me the coffee since she’s so used to all of this. It’s fine though, she needs her fuel to win this case, if not for me then for the victim.

The hospital has a total of 13 different coffee carts and all of them have their own unique taste, this place… has one cart and it’s a take it or leave it situation. You either take it and count your blessings or you leave it and don’t look back. Since my shift ended less than 5 hours prior, I would say that taking the coffee is a no brainer.

Strolling up to said cart, I notice that it only has 3 types of Coffee. ‘Really that’s all they are going to supply me? This is just cruel.’ “I guess I will have a regular coffee with creamer and sugar.”

“Ma’am I’m sorry but we don’t have creamer. We do have sugar though.” The lady says, while pointing to the bowl that cradles the sugar.

You know there have been wars over coffee, because they don’t have the right flavor or it’s not made to there standards and here I am grasping to what I can find to flavor the caffeinated beverage that I adore. “Um… sugar will do I suppose.” This is not my day. I left the coffee cart assuming that this day would not be on the best or even average day.

As I was walking away, I totally forgot about Aria’s coffee so I ran back before anyone else could get in line, “Sorry, I totally forgot to order a latte for my sister.”

The lady at the cart looked a little annoyed, “Sure, what’s the name?”

“Aria.”

The barista looked shocked, “Do you mean the ADA Aria?”

I looked at her confused, “Yes?”

She opened the register and had her coworker in the back make Aria’s drink. She looked at me, “Here is the change back for your coffee, and you and your sister’s is on the house. We lover her!”

I took the change, “Umm...thanks?”

Pretty quickly she handed me the latte and I was off to court. Fun, fun, fun. I was not ready for this, and no matter how many times I tried to trick myself into thinking I was...I wasn’t. It wasn’t before too long, when I got there. I went through the normal security check and metal detector walk through, and eventually found my sister waiting in the hallway outside of the courtroom.

“Here A.” I handed her the free latte and sat on the bench next to her because my feet were killing me from these heels. I mean I have a right to feel this way, I’m used to wearing surgeon shoes which are comfy and soft, not hard and arched weird.My sister is the one that wears the stilettos and the business woman suit. So it’s no surprise that she’s pacing back and forth while rehearsing what she’s going to say and hasn’t flinched a bit from the heels.

She finally stopped pacing and and sat next to me, giving me a hug. “Hey Nerd Brain, how are you?” she said with a huge smile on her face.

“Hey, we do not use that awful nickname in public.” I said laughing. I paused for a second before continuing, “As for how I’m doing, I’m a complete mess. This kind of thing should never happen. Plus these shoes are killing me A.”

She gave me her concerned look, “You’re right, this shouldn’t be happening. The sad thing is that the world isn’t always beautiful, which I know you know as well.” She was right and we all had to keep moving forward. I looked down at the floor, “Yeah, but it still sucks!”

Nodding her head in agreement Aria grasps my hand. “I know this is difficult on you, especially since… well… you know.” She’s right, I did know what she was talking about, but talking about something so odious was not going to happen not today, not ever. I must of had a look of fear and uncertainty in my eyes, because the next thing I know she is engulfing me into a sheltered hug. “Hey, hey, hey you don’t have to talk about it. I was just suggesting that if you need to talk I’m here. That’s all hermana.” My lips start to curve into a smile. I love it when she calls me that.

“Thank you Aria, but if I am going to make it through this case, I have to be strong. I am here for little Jami, she is the one that has suffered and if I am not on my “A” game this creep could walk out free and all be damned if I am going to let that happen.” I extract my hand away from my sisters and rub them up and down my pant clad legs. “So… what about you? Are you ready?” Shaking my head at my own stupidity. ‘What am I thinking of course she is ready. She was made to be an ADA.’ “Of course your ready that was crass on my part and I am sorry.”

She chuckles at my antics and shakes her own head. She knows that she is good she doesn’t need me nor anybody else to tell her. “Callie, you need to breathe and just relax. Matthew is going to be put away no matter what either of us say. Be truthful, and from the looks at the documents that you have in your hand you have everything. Am I right?” receiving a slight nod in conformation she continues; “Than you will be fine.”

She got up and headed into the courtroom to set up. I didn’t need to be in there just yet so I sat there very still, trying to compose myself so that I wouldn’t turn into a crying mess when I walked in there. I had memorized the document in my hands and started reciting it over and over to make sure I had it locked in.

I took a big gulp and finally got the courage to head in there. It was about to start in five minutes and I didn’t want to be late. I walked up to the big and wide wooden double doors, each with a golden handle, and opened them to walk in. On the right I saw Aria sitting next to the victim and their family, explaining to them the steps and what exactly was going to happen. On the other side I saw the most evil and wretched person in my life. How does one simply hurt another person, yet alone a child. It hurts deep inside whenever I see a child who got hurt in this way, children have such a pure view on this world and if it gets ruined so quickly then their sense of a childhood vanishes.

I walked down the center aisle to the front of the seats and sat behind the victim and my sister. When I sat down, Aria looked back at me with a reassuring smile and then turned her attention back to the child and his family. I’m not much of a religious person now, but I still believe there’s a God out there because that’s how I grew up and if other parts have changed on my belief one that, the one thing that hasn’t is the fact that I pray.

Right before court started, I sat there silent in my seat and nonchalantly closed my eyes, and prayed to God that this evil man wouldn’t see the light of day so that not only that child could be free, but also for any other children that may be his future victims. When I finished my silent prayer, the judge walked in and everything started.

“All rise! The Court of the second Judicial Circuit, Criminal Division is now in session, the honorable Judge Morgan presiding.” The bailiff announces, as Judge Morgan goes to take the stand.

The Judge nods to the bailiff dressed in a police uniform and looks at us. “Everyone may be seated except for the Jury.” We all take our respectable seats. He then looks at the bailiff and says; “Ms. Olson, can you please swear in the Jury.”

The bailiff known as Ms. Olson nods a yes and turns toward the Jury. She puts her right hand up and states; “Please raise your right hand.” The jury all raise their right hand and waits for the brunette woman to continue. “Do you Solemnly swear or affirm that you will truly listen to this case and render a true verdict and a fair sentence as to this defendant?” She looks at the scumbag and gestures to him. The jury all say “I do” She then tells everyone who are still standing too be seated.

Judge Morgan looks at us with a serious look and states; “Members of the jury, your duty today will be to determine whether the defendant is guilty or not guilty based only on facts and evidence provided in this case. The prosecution has the burden of proving the guilt of the defendant beyond a reasonable doubt.  This burden remains on the prosecution through the trial. The prosecution must prove that a crime was committed and that the defendant is the person who committed the crime. However, if you are not satisfied of the defendant’s guilt to that extent, then reasonable doubt exists and the defendant must be found not guilty.” He gazes up the bailiff and then inquires; “Ms. Olson, what is today’s case?”

Ms. Olsen discloses; “Your honor, todays case is the state of “New York versus Matthew Johnson.”

“Is the prosecution ready?” Judge Morgan asks.

Johnson’s attorney stood up, “We’re ready your honor.”

Judge Morgan slammed the gavel down, “The trial is now in session.”

This was all suddenly becoming real, and if it was real then that means that I have to physically go up and somehow testify pretty soon. By this time I was mentally and emotionally ready, but I knew that when I got up there that I couldn’t look that kid in the eyes because I would break right then and there in the middle of everyone. That was definitely not on my to-do list for the day.

As I was sitting there, they went through the whole process of interviewing them victim and the suspect, asking questions, hearing stories, and one side trying to prove to the jury that Johnson was not guilty and the other trying to prove that he was. I knew he was guilty, I could see it in his lifeless eyes. I could tell they were lifeless too because I’ve seen a few in my line of work and his pale pretty close in comparison which is pretty scary.

They were finishing up with the interviews and started heading into the testimonies. These were rough because you could clearly tell when someone was lying and it was so hard to watch. I didn’t know exactly when I would be called but I was ready for whenever it was. I got my medical file out and made sure everything was in order for when I was called.

They’d been through about three suspects already and Aria called up the fourth one, “I’d like to bring Supervisory Special Agent Arizona Robbins of the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI to the stand to testify.”

The word agent caught my attention and I looked up to see a beautiful blonde with bright ocean blue eyes, walking up to the stand to speak. She wore a black pantsuit with a white button up blouse underneath and a pair of black boots. Some of my friends and I always wondered if all women FBI agents wear black boots or if it's just a myth, I hope i get to find out.

When she was up there, all I heard was her first sentence and then I got even more attracted to her. Her voice wasn’t what you would expect from an FBI agent. It was soft and sweet like candy canes and and gumdrops during the Christmas season. Most agents you would expect to be harsh and cold, but there was a certain light to her that made me feel safe.

Funny huh, I don’t even know her and she makes me feel like no one could ever hurt me. What is this feeling? Whatever it is, I have to talk to her somehow. Then again, me plus talking to strangers it like doesn’t really pan out well in this kind of situation. Maybe if I’d met her in a bar and we’d smiled at each other from across the bar then i’d have more confidence, but this was in a courtroom and and she was the most beautiful one in there who might I add, while having a sweet approachable side, also had a dark side I was a little bit weary of.

My thoughts left me once she left the stand to sit back down. It probably would of helped to hear what she said in terms of knowing about the case, but how could anyone think straight when she was around? I tried not to seem like a stalker but I followed to see where she sat. So I could possibly make a point to “accidentally” run into her if I had the time, but who knows.

After Supervisory Special Agent Arizona Robbins left the stands and the others took the stands I have to admit I really missed her being up there and gazing into her beautiful azure eyes. Rolling my eyes at my own pathetic thinking, I shake my thoughts away. It’s a good thing that Aria can’t see me from behind, she would for sure give me hell for it.

The session lasts for another 30 minutes and all the while I am looking between the person that is speaking at the altar and Arizona. What is this spell she has over me? The more I try to look away the harder it is too do just that.

“The court is now going to call a 30-minute recess. We will then return back at 10:20.” Judge Morgan declares. He then stands up and walks out of the back door.

Aria tells the Schmidt family to go ahead and get some fresh air. She then turns around with expressed brown eyes; “How’d I do up there? I mean I know this case is in the bag, but I still have a reputation to uphold.”

That’s when it got delicate, all I could say was a meager “You did great.” If only I could comprehend courtroom jargon, and it doesn’t help that most of the time my gaze was at the delicious blonde that has stolen my mind. Watching her made my stomach all fluttery, like hundreds of butterflies flying performing an air show, fluttery. No one in my whole being has made me feel that way.

“I forgot to ask you earlier how did work go? How many bad ass surgeries did you rock?” Being a Pediatric Surgeon I surprisingly have a lot of cases and they run sporadically throughout the day. The vilest is when I am on call, (especially when I am on call for 2 days in a row and its tied in with my scheduled day to work) which is why I have just come off a 36-hr, shift. But I love my job and I love my patients. Noticing the now glazed over look I have, she starts beckoning by waving her hand in front of my face. “Hello! Cal?” Deciding to take it one step farther by pinching me.

“OUCH ARR-IA, WHAT THE HELL?” rubbing the superior part of my arm to subside the pain, I inhale and then exhale a few times to calm myself down. “Sorry, uh, what were you saying?”

Concern evident in her eyes she puts her hand on my shoulder and inquires; “I was asking you about your job and how many kick ass surgeries you rocked?” Thinking something is troubling me she maneuvers her hand from my shoulder to my back and rubs up and down to soothe me. “Where did you go? Are you ok? I know that the case probably brought up a lot of grievous memories…” She trails off remembering my request earlier.

Not wanting to divulge in why I spaced to divulge in why I spaced out I give her a “yes, I’m fine. Just… tired I guess.” Because if I was being honest, I would have to convey that I missed most of the case and where my mind was just a second ago was on a certain B.A. So, I decided to change the subject and speak; “Hey, I am going to go and get some coffee from the coffee cart out out there, do you want anything?” Shaking her head, no and looking at me with that oh so familiar Torres glare, I smile and proceed out the courtroom. Once I open the doors to my surprise my eyes land on the woman that has been clouding the better part of my mind since I laid eyes on her.

 AN2: Too clarify Guest (Max) Reviewer we are far from done with this story and as far as getting to what happened to Callie well we assure you that it will come. Please everyone be patient. Thank You

 Thank You to all of you for your reviews, follows and favorites

[eirianerisdar]

He shouldn’t be a doctor

So this morning, I had one of the worst experiences I’ve ever had in my six years of medical school, courtesy of the absolute worst doctor I’ve ever seen in my life - not knowledge-wise, or practical-wise, but the fact that this senior doctor is as of today the most horrible person I’ve ever met in medical care. Ever.

What makes it worse:

He is currently the consultant of palliative and end-of-life hospice care in one of the largest long-term care hospitals in our area.

Which means he’s in charge of patients that healthcare workers arguably need to put most care in helping: end-stage cancer patients.

But more on that later. Let’s get to how he showed how much of a jerk he was.

(As a note: I’m from Hong Kong. The public healthcare system here is almost 100% financed by the government, barring a few more-expensive things per department such as rarer targeted therapies.)

It started like this:

Twelve of us final-year medical students turned up at 11:30 on the dot for this doctor’s tutorial. He turned up, slammed his hands on the conference table, and barked at us to get around it.

There wasn’t enough space for twelve.

He didn’t care.

“I believe in humiliation therapy,” he told us. “I’m going to humiliate you in front of everyone. I’m going to get you to argue against one another until you know the stuff you’re supposed to know.”

Well, so he’s that sort of senior doctor, I thought.

Despite this, the tutorial started off okay. Until a classmate brought up the issue of financial burdens for cancer patients - how if patients came from wealthier backgrounds, they could expect to worry less about whether they could afford anything from non-subsidied medication to hiring extra carers at home. Something those with less wealth couldn’t afford.

The doctor was on him in a second. “Does that mean you think wealthier patients get better outcomes?” he sneered. “Do you think medical care is so bad here that wealthier people are happier than poorer people in the palliative ward?”

No, one of my groupmates (We’ll call her C) pointed out. We’re simply saying that despite the public medical system here being almost fully subsidised by the government, there are still a couple of rarer treatments in every department that are too expensive for the government to cover completely.  Wealthy patients don’t always have that worry at the back of their minds about whether their family can pay for any extra things that slip past the well-subsidised net, while those on government welfare do have that worry.

The doctor pointed at C and told the entire group that she thought that wealthy patients got better care (which she obviously wasn’t) and how it didn’t matter if a patient was on welfare. “I saw a patient who was rich and had family who didn’t care for him at all,” he said. “and other who was poor but had family who cared. Who do you think was happier?”

Well, yes. Family matters. But pray, dear doctor, what do you mean by the other things you said?

Sure. Money doesn’t bring happiness, or a family that supports you.

But money lets you get that PET scan at diagnosis while the patient who couldn’t could only get a government-covered high resolution CT scan, so you know you have stage 4 cancer a month earlier than they do, at which point they realise that the CT didn’t pick up a minuscule cancer they had spread to a distant organ; by this point, they’ve gone through surgery, but the cancer’s grown larger elsewhere already. At this point, the patient with money’s already started their second round of chemo. The cancer’s responding nicely.

Money lets you hire that private carer so your daughter doesn’t have to change jobs to take care of you at home.

Money lets you do that plethora of rarer gene studies to see if there’s a horrendously expensive form of medication that may work for you if you were lucky enough to have one of those genes.

Money lets you go on one last lovely holiday with your family to a country you always wanted to visit, and to live comfortably at hospice in your home.

If you don’t have any of that, there you are in your 60 square foot box of an apartment with a wife who is as old and as aged as you, as she’s trying to scrounge up a few extra hong kong dollars (less than 1USD) so you can have meat instead of tofu for dinner.

You can’t afford to buy your granddaughter a peach for her birthday; the last birthday of hers you’ll see.

And here we had a consultant for end-of-life care telling us we were all ignorant idiots, and that money didn’t matter in end-of-life care.

My classmate, C, the girl who so bravely stood up to him and pointed out the illogicalities of his argument, started to cry.

She later told me she thought of something that happened to someone close to her, and couldn’t stop the tears.

The consultant looked at her and said, “Aww, now I’ve made you cry! It hurts me more than you to see you like this.”

Utter. Foul. Vermin.

The doctor told a male groupmate of mine to pretend to counsel someone. We’ll call this classmate F.

F got halfway through the sentence and started to tear up.

He usually doesn’t speak of it much, but we know that someone close to him in his family’s got a long term illness of some sort.

He fell silent, sniffing.

At this point I started crying.

Not because this doctor hurt me.

But because here were two of my friends, both deeply, personally hurt by this doctor, and I wanted to rise up and yell at him, to ask him what sort of person he thought he was to think he had to right to hurt his juniors like this, but I couldn’t say anything.

Because he’s one of the examiners for our exam this coming Wednesday.

Because he’s a consultant.

Because he wouldn’t let us speak.

Because he was still smiling as he said, “Ah, I have hope. You have more heart in you than I thought you did. This generation tends not to care as much.”

Why, I thought, as I continued to cry. We have more heart in any one of us than you. I’m crying because I empathise with my friends, who you have hurt. Every one of us in this room is seething. But we are cutting our losses and keeping our mouths shut.

“Aren’t I nice? I’m not a mean doctor,” he told us. “I know a guy who told his students that if they didn’t know this-and-this material, they weren’t worthy to be a doctor and should jump off a building. I don’t do that. And anyway, I know that guy, and he actually is very nice. He just had a bad childhood so he was used to hearing and dishing out words like that.”

No, doctor. (I won’t call you a good doctor because you shouldn’t be a doctor at all) Your friend not a “nice guy”. No person, traumatised or not, should ever tell anyone else to end their own life. Just as you, who we are supposed to look up to, should have more empathy in you than the narcissistic, self-important, heartless man you are.

He spent the next hour and a half waxing poetic about his own values, how patients loved his department so much, and (upon shutting off the fan that had been causing my crying classmate, C, to shiver for an hour and a half without him noticing) how that showed how NICE of a person he was.

I didn’t stop tearing up throughout the whole thing.

And the icing on the cake?

At the end, he looked first at C, then at F, then at me, and said, “I haven’t been mean, right? I haven’t been unkind to you two especially.”

And, as we looked into his smiling eyes, we did the only thing we could do, for our grades, our continued mental health, to avoid a battle that could harm our careers. We nodded, and said, “No. You haven’t.”

He smiled a self-satisfied smile. “Students always thank me afterwards,” he said.

Then he let us go.

C and I hugged in the lift lobby.

Let me tell you a little something extra.

I woke up at 5 am on the morning of this tutorial. My period had come. I was in unusual, excruciating pain. I spent an hour hissing in pain until I stepped up my own pain meds and fell asleep again still at a just-reduced pain scale of 5/10 (it had been 8/10).

And then I got up and went to the tutorial anyway.

And met him.

For you, the reader, I’m sorry for this lengthy rant. But if you’re a medical student, or any healthcare worker in the medical field at all, remember this man.

This man is scum.

But you know who isn’t? You. His department is still rated excellently by all the patients who pass through it at the end of their earthly lives. But it remains rated so because the nurses, the junior doctors, the clerks and the psychologists and the clergy and the other spiritual/religious workers and the medical social workers and the people in charge of cleaning the ward itself care for the patients far, far more than he does.

If there’s anything this man taught me - it is to remember that kindness is not about yourself.

It is about the other person. That’s what medicine was always about.

[mojave-misfit]

1OO IMPORTANT CHARACTER QUESTIONS

original by @belomihelps

taken from beth kinderman and nikki walker’s the 100 most important things to know about your character. a good list to help develop a character’s background, personality, and general aspects.

PART 1: THE BASICS

What is your full name?  Charles Merle Quinn

Where and when were you born? Boston Massachusetts, October 13, 2050

Who are/were your parents? (Know their names, occupations, personalities, etc.) Mother: Carmilla Quinn nee’ Merle. Occupation: None, Personality: Easily agitated, kind, and somber, Father: Malcolm Quinn. Occupation: Photographer, Manager. Personality: Distant, Workaholic, Kind

Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like? No

Where do you live now, and with whom? Describe the place and the person/people. I live in Red Rocket Truck Stop with two robots, Ada and Winston, and Dogmeat. 

What is your occupation? Railroad Agent, Mercenary, and General of the Minutemen

Write a full physical description of yourself. You might want to consider factors such as: height, weight, race, hair and eye color, style of dress, and any tattoos, scars, or distinguishing marks. 5′7″, 145 lbs., Caucasian and Pale, Jet Black Hair, Pale Blue eyes, Whatever isn’t too bloody, scar on lip and right eyebrow.  

To which social class do you belong? The living one

Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses? Easily tired

Are you right- or left-handed? Right-Handed

What does your voice sound like? (see Male Sole Survivor voice on YouTube)

What words and/or phrases do you use very frequently? Sorry

What do you have in your pockets? Candy and a knife

Do you have any quirks, strange mannerisms, annoying habits, or other defining characteristics? Always picks up random things to build with, always having to have 5 packs of fancy lads snack cakes on hand, and never throwing away nuka cola of any variety. 

PART 2: GROWING UP

How would you describe your childhood in general? Lonely. 

What is your earliest memory? Meeting my mother at 5 years old. 

How much schooling have you had? Bachelors Degree in Engineering

Did you enjoy school? No

Where did you learn most of your skills and other abilities? Military

While growing up, did you have any role models? If so, describe them. I always looked up to detectives. Basically anyone willing to provide justice to the world. 

While growing up, how did you get along with the other members of your family? I didn’t have any other family other than my mother and father. The neighbors kept me whenever my dad was gone and passed me around like potato chips. 

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be James Bond. 

As a child, what were your favorite activities? Petting cats and Reading

As a child, what kinds of personality traits did you display? Quiet, Pyromanic, and Loner

As a child, were you popular? Who were your friends, and what were they like? No. I had a cat. That was it. 

When and with whom was your first kiss? It was Nora on December 24, 2066

Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity? No, I lost my virginity on my wedding night on...August 25, 2072. 

If you are a supernatural being (i.e. mage, werewolf, vampire), tell the story of how you became what you are or first learned of your own abilities. If you are just a normal human, describe any influences in your past that led you to do the things you do today. Military training and the genuine will to live?...and my desire to avenge Nora and raise Shaun in peace. 

PART 3: PAST INFLUENCES

What do you consider the most important event of your life so far? Shaun being born. 

Who has had the most influence on you? My mother. 

What do you consider your greatest achievement? Being alive. 

What is your greatest regret? Er...I try not to regret much. I guess..Never saying goodbye to my mother. 

What is the most evil thing you have ever done? Other than killing a man for a pair of ugly sunglasses or burning my home down? Not sure. 

Do you have a criminal record of any kind? I set a man and then a house on fire. 

When was the time you were the most frightened? When I was seven and my mother tried to strangle me. 

What is the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you? Existing

If you could change one thing from your past, what would it be, and why? I would live happily with my mother and father. That was my only wish as a child. 

What is your best memory? Either marrying Nora, Shaun being born, or meeting Hancock.

What is your worst memory? See most frightened above. 

PART 4: BELIEFS & OPINIONS

Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic? Realistic

What is your greatest fear? Another apocalypse

What are your religious views? Christian views, but I’m not very religious in general

What are your political views? Government in general holds too much power over people and too many corrupted individuals have held that power. 

What are your views on sex? *turns red* Er...well....only the 18 and consenting. 

Are you able to kill? Under what circumstances do you find killing to be acceptable or unacceptable? *gestures to wasteland with a raised eyebrow*

In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do? Enslave others

Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love? Depends on how hopeful and/or drunk I am. 

What do you believe makes a successful life? Good friends, family, good food and drinks, and an unholy amount of turrets

How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings (i.e. do you hide your true self from others, and in what way)? Depends on who I am around. I’m a fairly honest person, but I can hide emotions when needed. I am who I need to be. 

Do you have any biases or prejudices? Dogs are always better than people. 

Is there anything you absolutely refuse to do under any circumstances? Why do you refuse to do it? Enslave another person. Everyone should be able to decide how to live their own lives. 

Who or what, if anything, would you die for (or otherwise go to extremes for)? I’d die for the Railroad’s goal and for the people I care about. 

PART 5: RELATIONSHIPS W/OTHERS

In general, how do you treat others (politely, rudely, by keeping them at a distance, etc.)? Does your treatment of them change depending on how well you know them, and if so, how? I treat everyone with polite distance at first. If they are rude to me, I tend to be even more distant. If they are nice, I’m less so. 

Who is the most important person in your life, and why? Shaun. He’s my son. 

Who is the person you respect the most, and why? I respect Nick Valentine the most. He is just a genuinely nice person when he has every reason not to be. 

Who are your friends? Do you have a best friend? Describe these people. Rosa Stellata: Wonderful, Crazy, and Kind. Deacon: Sneaky Egg, Sad. Cait: Irish, Tougher than nails, Will kill you, Sad. Glory: Glorious, enough said. Drinking Buddy: He gives me Ice Cold Nuka-Cola I love him. Nick: Cool Synth Detective, Not a dick. Hancock: Perfect, Handsome, Funny, *goes on for about an hour*

Do you have a spouse or significant other? If so, describe this person. Nora was my wife. She was..wonderful, smart, beautiful, kind, and strong. Hancock..*blushes* He’s a force of nature. I’ve never met anyone who made me so happy to simply be alive. 

Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened. Yeah. I've been in love with two people: Nora Cunningham, and John Hancock. Nora is in a better place, and John and I are still together.

What do you look for in a potential lover? Expressive eyes, a kind heart, and natural confidence. 

How close are you to your family? I was very close to Nora and Shaun. My parents? Much less so. 

Have you started your own family? If so, describe them. If not, do you want to? Why or why not? Yeah...Nora was my wife. I already described her, so...My son is an innocent child.

Who would you turn to if you were in desperate need of help? No one. I don’t want to be a burden. 

Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? Whoever I’m traveling with. 

If you died or went missing, who would miss you? I hope no one will, but maybe the rest of the Railroad and Hancock, at least a bit. 

Who is the person you despise the most, and why? The raiders at Nuka-World. They enslaved so many people...and that is something I can't forgive.

Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict? I avoid conflict when I can. 

Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations? No, but sometimes it just happens. 

Do you like interacting with large groups of people? Why or why not? No. too many people working for the same thing is dangerous. 

Do you care what others think of you? To a certain degree. 

PART 6: LIKES & DISLIKES

What is/are your favorite hobbies and pastimes? I still love reading and petting animals. 

What is your most treasured possession? My wedding ring. 

What is your favorite color? Blue

What is your favorite food? Fancy Lads Snack Cakes. 

What, if anything, do you like to read? Magazines, books, blueprints, etc. 

What is your idea of good entertainment (consider music, movies, art, etc.)? Watching other people try to kill things, reading, exploring, burning things, and the Red Menace game. 

Do you smoke, drink, or use drugs? If so, why? Do you want to quit? I take med-x and psycho in emergencies and drink Nuka-Cola Dark on occasion. I have no desire to quit as I want to live a little on both occasions. 

How do you spend a typical Saturday night? Sorting through weapons, ammo, armor, and/or supplies. 

What makes you laugh? Something funny. 

What, if anything, shocks or offends you? Entitled people who think they are better than others due to money or status. 

What would you do if you had insomnia and had to find something to do to amuse yourself? Red Menace or rereading magazines

How do you deal with stress? Holotapes. 

Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan? Spontaneous

What are your pet peeves? Everything has to be sorted into a certain container and I have to have 5 snack cakes with me at all times. 

PART 7: SELF IMAGES & OTHER

Describe the routine of a normal day for you. How do you feel when this routine is disrupted? Check ammo supply, go kill things, go kill more things, sell extra ammo and get usual ammo type, repeat until tired. Interruptions are welcome. 

What is your greatest strength as a person? Being okay with violence

What is your greatest weakness? Everything else

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? I would forget a lot of things. 

Are you generally introverted or extroverted? Introverted

Are you generally organized or messy? messily organized

Name three things you consider yourself to be very good at, and three things you consider yourself to be very bad at. Good: Building things, Modding weapons/armor, Shooting things. Bad: Explosives, killing mirelurk queens, dealing with people. 

Do you like yourself? No

What are your reasons for being an adventurer (or doing the strange and heroic things that RPG characters do)? Are your real reasons for doing this different than the ones you tell people in public? (If so, detail both sets of reasons…) I want to help people. I want to see others happy. 

What goal do you most want to accomplish in your lifetime? Destroying the Institute, Marry Hancock, and see Shaun grow up to be smart and kind. 

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Hopefully alive. 

If you could choose, how would you want to die? *shrugs* Burn to death? 

If you knew you were going to die in 24 hours, name three things you would do in the time you had left. Spend the day with Hancock, say goodbye to the Railroad, and bury Nora. 

What is the one thing for which you would most like to be remembered after your death? Being a decent person/father. 

What three words best describe your personality? odd, shy, and kind

What three words would others probably use to describe you? odd, shy, and kind

If you could, what advice would you, the player, give to your character? (You might even want to speak as if he or she were sitting right here in front of you, and use proper tone so he or she might heed your advice…) (Forgive him.)

((Edit: Minor changes.))

[so-wheniwasyounger]

Whew, okay, this is a long one and relatively recent:

At Christmas my autistic brother brought gifts my mom picked out for him to give everyone. (They do this every year. She picks them, he pays for them.) She picked nothing for my sister and a $10 gift card for me and my husband. I texted her upset afterwards (she missed Christmas bc she had Covid though it should be noted she sent my brother who lives with her and who got a cousin sick) bc I'd put a lot of thought into my gift to my brother and "he" didn't put any into mine and got nothing for my sister (my mom hates my sister bc she's actually my first cousin but we were raised on a commune together and she was shown favoritism over me by my grandparents bc she's their only son's only daughter). I told her if "he" wasn't going to put thought into our gifts I needed to know so I wasn't expending energy I didn't have (my meds hadn't been working at the time and I was struggling real hard). She read the message and didn't respond.

A month later my husband went missing after leaving a suicide note and I asked her to take my dog while we searched for him and then in the week following while he was in the hospital (he's okay. He came home unharmed). She told me I needed to pray--despite knowing I'm not religious. Not once did she tell me it was going to be okay or that she was here for me. None of that. And then she riled my MIL up by saying my sister was gonna post about it on Facebook despite how my sister ONLY posts about her two sons. Then she made it sound like bc my husband had a key to her home on his key ring he was gonna go break into her house and steal one of her guns. And so of course she had to call everyone in our family (two hours away) to tell them to be on the look out for my husband who doesn't even come down for holidays. I got my dog back from her and gave my Christmas presents to her and she gave me one for my dog but not for me or my husband.

Then my Mammaw's 80th bday party comes up a month after. My husband was in an okay place and said I should go. So I told my mom I'd make queso and come. She told me the party started 30 minutes later than it did so everyone was waiting on me. And she made queso too. We had little interaction while I was there. She tried to do her usual "You used to be so little. And then you became a teenager and aren't we glad I parented the bad kid out of you?" bullshit she always pulls but I cut that off before she could get to the part about me being a supposed hooligan during my teens. Then I went for a smoke break/walk with one of my younger cousins and when I got back she had packed most of the food up. She very angrily told me if I wanted any of the food I needed to get in there and make my own plate to take home. I don't really eat leftovers bc I have this texture thing and I might also be a little autistic so for several unimportant reasons I'm not a fan of leftovers. I told her that was okay but thank you. Then I was looking at my memories in my Snapchat and saw that it had been a year to the day I'd gotten ACL reconstruction surgery. I brought it up and she was very rude and dismissive. So much so that several people around me gave me a look like "What the hell? That was rude." Then, as I was leaving, she made my brother apologize for getting me a gift I didn't want and made him give me a new gift. Despite how she herself hadn't gotten me one! I told him that was alright and we should hang out sometime so we could both do better the next year. (She's driven a wedge between us that has lasted our whole lives.)

I haven't had any contact with her since. She hasn't reached out to me to ask how me or my husband is doing. She didn't invite me to Easter. Nothing.

But her birthday and Mother's day are 3 days apart this year and coming up. So I told my therapist I was pretty sure she was gonna message me bc she wants me to celebrate those things for her. And sure enough, three days later she messaged me at 5:14am saying "I love you". When I didn't answer or even open the message she messaged me again a few days later to say "I'm worried about you. I hope you're okay."

I'm planning to wait until after Mother's Day to say something like "I'm alright, thanks for asking. Happy late birthday."

I'll play her game. Just not the part she wants me to play.

[alex-guerin]

So, the company I work for supplies all the local convenience stores and Speedway gas stations East of the Mississippi River with all their stuff inside the store (you go in and buy a phone charger from a Speedway station? Boom. Came from us. That Snickers ice cream bar you chowed down on? Picked from our freezer...well...not MY freezer -- unless you live within 100 miles of my particular warehouse, but one of our company’s warehouses). Our two major stores use to be Circle K (”Strange things are afoot at the Circle K...”) and Speedway. 

Second week of January, our contract with Circle K was up and they switched to a different distribution company. All of the sudden, our work days went from 10 to 12 hrs a day..............to 4.5. I’m not even kidding you. Today the freezer half of my department was done at 4am, my crew in the cooler was done at 4:30am. We started at midnight.  For months, and I do mean MONTHS, management was begging anyone and everyone who was willing to work as many hours as possible, to work as many hours as possible. The paychecks were decent, so those of us who decided to work extra hours never really complained, too much. 

Now that we’ve hit slow travel season, and we’ve lost Circle K, management doesn’t really want anyone putting in any over time. In fact, if it were up to them, they probably would have preferred that my entire department left once we were finished today...after only 4 or 4.5 hours of work. While 2nd shift no doubt got their full 8 or more hours in today. My shift (3rd shift) is the only one NOT promised a full 8 hour shift. We’d still be called full-timers, still get all the benefits, but there was a good chance we’d be lucky most days to make 36hrs a week during the winter (at least, that’s how it was last winter once we finally hit our winter hours). Now it’s even less likely unless our manager can find something for us to do until 8:30 when we hit our full 8 hr mark. 

Well, I like to stay and help Jason on Wednesdays. It’s a heavy day for him, and I like getting to help break down the skids that come in full of product, arrange them on the pallets, and slap the labels on so he can get them confirmed into the system and put away in the freezer. It’s a fun little way for me to be able to spend more time with him, and more often than not, we joke around and tease each other and play and be goofy and everything’s cool. So, when my guys finished at 4:30, and I finished stacking at 5:30/6am, I just wandered my way out to the dock, looked to see what Jason was working on breaking down and dove right in. 

My manager found me a few minutes later and was like, “Hey, you’re cool to stay until 8:30. But that’s it. Anything more than that, and we gotta go talk to the warehouse manager. They don’t want anyone to get any overtime right now.” Because of fucking course they don’t want anyone to get any overtime right now. Guuuuuuuuuh!! So, I said that was fine (*cue Morgan Freeman’s narration: “It was in fact not fine,”*) and I set about working to get as much done as I could in what little time I actually had. 

Now, Jason has not been feeling well this week. He called off Friday cuz he wasn’t feeling well, and he still isn’t up to par yet. I dropped cold and flu meds off for him Monday after I finished work (which his dad decided to steal most of, thanks dad...) and yesterday he basically went home straight after work and went straight to bed. Today, he still wasn’t feeling well. And on top of that, his “helper” Oscar was being an utter dumbass again and pissing him off right from the start of his shift. So, he was not in a good mood. At all. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get him to laugh or play or anything with me. He went on his first break at 6:30, I went with, and finally got him to talk and tell me what was wrong (Oscar, of course, was the reason. As he usually is). It seemed to help him a little to vent, but not enough to get him to play with me. 

Now, last week, he and I were being goofy and playful and...yeah alright, inappropriate but in a fairly innocent way (if that’s possible? All talk, I guess you could say?) and then on Wednesday, I was gonna be brave and do something for him at work (*coughs-lethimcopafeel-coughs*) where the cameras couldn’t see. It was Wednesday, I had hit my 8 hr mark, I was gonna head home. Went into the freezer where I knew he was and kinda nudged his side and told him to meet me in the ice cream room...where there’s no cameras whatsoever. He didn’t question it, he just went. I met him in there, he hopped off his forklift, pulled his skimask down, took half a step forward, his hands were reaching for my waist and while my brain was screaming to abort, my mouth was already telling him to close his eyes so I could take his hand and shove it against my chest. I literally missed a chance (and it was confirmed that I missed it) to make out with a sober Jason in the ice cream room at work. So, I decided today I was gonna ask for a redo! I wanted a second chance dammit! It got to be a little after 8, Corie (the coworker who cornered him and told him to go talk to me waaaaaaaaay back in September for the first time) was heckling me and telling me to go do it, I only had 20 minutes left before I was suppose to leave, he was alone in the freezer, there’s no cameras in the 95 aisle either, go fucking make out with him. So, I went wandering in and up to his forklift. We talked a bit, he thought I was leaving so he gave me my hug and I still just kinda hung around trying to get him to talk a little more and finally when he was like, “I should get back to work.” I was like, “Yeah?” “Yeah.” “Damn. I kinda was hoping I could get a redo of last week.” He gave a surprised laugh and was all, “What?” “I was hoping I could get a redo of last week. I blew it last week! I want a redo!” He tried to play like he didn’t know what I was talking about, I nudged at him and told him he totally knew what I was talking about. He finally was like, “Eh...well...maybe...” I just smirked at him and raised an eyebrow and tried to nudge a bit more and he went, “C’mon, really, lemme get back to work. I wanna get out of here at a decent time.” 

I was totally rejected. Turned down. I felt utterly stupid and kind of ashamed of myself for even suggesting it. I nodded and let go of his forklift and was like, “Okay, gimme another hug, I’ll go.” So, got another hug (a nice hug, both arms, sides of our heads tilted against each others), turned, shoved my hands in my pockets and shuffled off out of the freezer. 

Corie was still out on the dock, on her own forklift, talking to their manager, John. She saw me come out, I made a grumbling face, which got her to laughing and then when John looked from me to her and said something, she started laughing more. I went up and tried to play like I didn’t know why she was laughing, and both her and John just waved me off. I went and got my shit together, locked up my locker, felt like a total dumbass, and went to try and leave. Went up to Corie’s forklift and she finally was like, “Alright, so, 1: I was laughing cuz I saw your face. 2: Because John saw you walk out ahead of Jason and went, ‘Oh, they took a trip to the ice cream room, huh?’ Oh, by the way, John totally knows about you guys, totally by my own fault.” 

..........I don’t know whether to kill Corie, or just never show my face around their manager ever again. Either way, Corie got me to stick around a little while longer, until it was basically 8:30 on the nose, and during that time she was all, “Dude. I can’t believe he turned you down!” then look over her shoulder to see where he was and scream, “DUMBASS!” Pretty sure he had no idea she was talking about him. Then, right before I was gonna leave for real, she was like, “I’m totally gonna go up to Jason and be like, ‘Bro, you should give Lyssa a li’l somethin’-somethin’ in the freezer before she leaves.’” I begged her not to! She was just doing it to try and embarrass me and him! She grabbed up a stack of labels, went over to him and I ducked behind a pallet to hide cuz JFC how is this my life?!?! And yeah, she totally did it. Thankfully, he didn’t know she was serious. He just laughed about it. So, I left and felt stupid (though, did feel better once I found out that Purple Haired Bitch had left a while ago and never came onto the dock looking for him, he never left the dock to go with her, I was sooooo happy!) and texted him at like, 11am to apologize and say that I just thought if I could get him to play, it might help make his day a little more bearable. I figured the only response from him I’d get, if I got one at all, would be “It’s all good.” 

I grabbed my pajamas, and a towel, went and took a long, hot shower and when I came back down there was a text from him. As expected, it was, “It’s all good.” But there was more! “Just not feeling well and I don’t want to get you sick.” *Dopey grin and cuddles phone close* It wasn’t cuz he didn’t want to, or because last Thursday he sent me a text saying “I think we should start behaving”. It was cuz he doesn’t wanna get me sick. Which is what I told Corie I figured it was when he turned me down. And the meds I gave him? He’s actually taking. He literally just sent me another text, basically letting me know he was off of work, saying “Time to go take more meds lol”. I just...I know why he’s not ready for a serious relationship, and I know he’s been burned so many times before that he’s scared of it happening again, but I just...I’m gonna keep hoping. And trying, and working at him. I feel like I am chipping away his resolve, tiny bits at a time, but still doing so. And I know his life is an utter wreck right now thanks to his bitch of an ex, but there’s times when it feels like he’s almost willing to give it a shot. I’ve been praying, A LOT, and I’m not one for praying or very religious, but I have been praying a lot, every day...and amazingly enough, in small ways it feels like they’re being answered. 

His mom told me Friday when she and I were talking, if I thought he was worth it, to be patient with him and get him to talk. I’m as ridiculously patient with him as he is with me. I’m gonna keep working at him, keep trying to chip away at the shield he’s got around his heart. At this moment, right now, I have no intentions of giving up. He’s stuck with me. For however long it takes. 

[surveysonfleek]

596.

What kind of makeup do you think is appropriate for church? just simple makeup i guess. or whatever you feel tbh. What would you wear to church? just normal, neat clothing? Would/Do you like having brown eyes? it’s okay. nothing exciting. Do you spend a lot of time on the internet? probably at least an hour a day. Could you live without the internet? haha tbh probably not. i’d be incredibly bored but i’d find a way to get over it eventually.

Have you bought anyone a Christmas gift? yes. i’ve started but i need to keep it going before it gets too busy. Do you have a Christmas tree in your house now? yes. How do you feel when someone hates on Apple? i don’t care. you do you. Do you have an Iphone? If so, which one? yes. iphone 7. Favorite flavor of jello? strawberry or raspberry. I see. Do you have long toes? nope. What’s something someone said to you that bothered you? probably insults. What is one of your favorite compliments to recieve? something unexpected. Do you compliment other random people? sometimes. Could you see yourself buying a truck as your go to vehicle? haha neverrrr. What kind of car do you want? Something less than $100,000. are teslas under 100k? What kind of gift would you appreciate for your birthday? perfume, makeup, something i can use idk lol. Can you type fast? i can but not as fast as office workers i’m assuming. Can you type without looking at the letters? kinda. it’s not perfect though. Did you take typing classes? not officially but i had those typing classes as a pc game. What do you use Facebook for? just to stay up to date with friends and family. oh, and memes lol. What do you look like in your profile picture? i’m in mid laughter a coachella lol. Do you love cartoons? i don’t love it. but i don’t hate it. Name a band that you like. boyz ii men. Name a band you don’t like. coldplay. lol sorry. Name a genre of music you don’t like? country. What genre of music do you listen to around the house? rnb.

You think it’s wrong to tell a person ____. something that will hurt them. What kind of compliments have you given? personality traits, physical stuff. Would you rather give or receive? both haha. Do you paint your own nails? yes. Do you like acrylic nails? no i hate them. every time i get them it totally ruins my nails. What is your favorite red lipstick? ruby woo or lady danger by mac. What are your favorite colors to wear? black or dark colours. What colors do you NOT wear? neon colours lol. Where do you shop for most of clothes? usually h&m. What are your favorite clothing stores/shops? h&m, myer, boohoo, kmart, cotton on etc. What kind of shoes do you like? sneakers. Describe your style in one word. comfy. Describe your current personality in one or two words. bored. What is your opinion on weed? i’m not against it, i just don’t do it. australia has really strict rules against it, it’s annoying. Are you afraid of child birth/pregnancy? slightly. just scared of any complications etc. What are your favorite bottoms to wear? leggings. Do you like dresses? yes. it’s all i wear in summer. Would you rather be called a geek, a nerd or a dork? whatever i don’t care lol. Do you eat cake with a spoon or a fork? spoon. What age will you be next? 27. Did you graduate high school? 2008. Do you make youtube videos? If so, leave your URL i do but i’m not leaving my url lol. Do you flat iron your hair? sometimes. What physical features do you wish you had? ( name 2 ). nicer lips, toned body. Would you ever get plastic cosmetic surgery? probably not. Ever broken a bone? no. What are your favorite youtube videos to watch? travel vlogs, beauty videos, documentaries. What is your favorite sex position? ;) missionary haha. yeah, i’m boring. Do you like red lipstick? yes. What color will you paint your nails next? idk, whatever i feel on the day. What is one of your favorite Disney movies? mulan, aladdin and the lion king. If you could meet a real life Disney character who would it be? jasmine. Are you afraid of ghosts/hauntings? kinda lol. Do you like to play computer games a lot? no. Are you a sore loser? sometimes but i keep it to myself haha. What is your favorite game to play with family/friends? a lot of stuff. the resistance, codenames, monopoly etc. What is your beer of choice? pear cider. What do you plan to buy next? clothes. Do you like shopping? yes. What is one of your favorite things to do on the weekend? hang out with friends. Here, I’m giving you $500 dollars to one store, where would you spend it? any clothing store. Would you look good in a Beatle car? no. Do you play slug bug? idk what that is. What kind of computer are on? macbook pro. You are attracted to ___. nice guys. Do you like glitter? sometimes. Have you ever owned a Quija board? nope. Do you like to text? eh, kinda. it’s not something i aim to do daily but it happens. If you had to be an animal for Halloween, what would it be? a panda lol. Do you have more dry skin or oily skin? oily. i hate it. What kind of shampoo do you use? Be specific. heads and shoulders. apple fresh. Do you have acne? no, just random zits every once in awhile. You’re glad that you don’t ___. have work today. You’re glad that you do ___. get to chill right now. Your favorite cuss word? fuck. Are you obsessed with any superheros? nope lol. Do you read comic books? no. Do you like the Sunday paper and why or why not? nah, i haven’t read the newspaper in forever. Do you have cable? no. What’s a show you wish that was still on air? the office. Do you listen to the radio at all? sometimes. Do you like hip hop? yes. Do you like pretzels? yes! Do you like snow? i don’t mind it. i’ve only seen it twice. What’s your favorite thing about your favorite season? Name the season. autumn: the weather, fashion and makeup. Name something that starts with the first letter of your first name. dandelion. Name something that starts with the first letter of your middle name? varsity. And your lastname. diamonds. Do you have pets? If so, what and what are their names? yes, a dog named sky. You want your next pet to be what? idk if i’ll want another one anymore. Are you a religious person? nope. Do you like pina coladas? yes. Do you like coconut scents? yes! What is your favorite Bath and Body Works candles? any. i like all their scents. Would you spend 20 dollars on a candle? yes lol. What is the goriest thing you’ve seen in real life? idk, don’t wna think about it. Do you look in the mirror a lot? yes. Do you brush your teeth twice a day everyday? yes. What brand of toothpaste do you use? colgate. What is a dessert that you DON’T like? fruit salad. And one that you love? waffles. Twilight or Harry Potter? harry potter hands down. Would you rather be a vampire or a mermaid? mermaid. About how many times do you fart in a day? quite a lot hahaha. I see… well… what is your favorite angry music? emo. Do you have a favorite number? yes. Had a crush on somebody that every1 around u thought was ugly? hmm idk. Are you happy with your physical features? not entirely. P.E or Math? maths. Math or Science? science. Creative Writing or Art? art. When you doodle, what are you usually doodling? stars, eyes, my signature lol. What is something that you like that is really cheap in price? chinese food. What is something that you like that is kind of expensive? perfume. What do you do when someone is really rude to you in public? ignore it or give it back to them. Do you argue with your significant other a lot? no. Have you ever had a really painful breakup? no. Which is better smoking or vaping? lol smoking. Do you write in print or cursive? i do both. Do you have neat handwriting? it’s legible. What do you like to write with? pen. Do you keep a journal/diary? no. You should. Do you eat salads? yes. What do you like in your salad? If you do. If not, what is 1+1? everything in a greek salad except olives. If you HAD to change your eyecolor, what would you change it to? green or blue. What would you not change it to? black. What is one of your favorite colors? turquoise. Do you prefer to be pale or tan? Don’t say in between. tan. Favorite thing to do on your phone? social media. What magazines do you like? i haven’t read magazines in forever. What is your favorite book? the harry potter series. What is your favorite thing about Christmas? food, family time, gifts. I’m giving a ticket to wherever you want, where would you go? japan. Here’s $5, what do you do with it? idk, save it for a random buy. Cool. Cool. Favorite flavor of Ice Cream? cookie dough. Least favorite flavor of ice cream? chocolate. Do you prefer white or black electronics? black. What is your favorite deodorant? lady speedstick. Are you a good kisser ( make out )? i guess so. A stranger comes up to you and gives you a big hug, what do you do? lightly pat them back. Do your eyes tear up when you’re nervous? no. Have you ever gotten the shakes in public? no. What do you like to order from Starbucks? iced coffee or a caramel frappe. Vanilla or Chocolate? vanilla. Apples or Bananas? bananas. Fruit or Veggies? veggies. Water or Milk? water. Regular Milk or Chocolate Milk? chocolate. Would you milk a cow given the chance? i guess so. What kind of underwear do you like? boy shorts. Where do you shop for your underwear? bonds. Chicken or Fish? chicken. Firm pillow or soft pillow? in between. What are you wearing when you go to sleep? old tees or pyjamas. Do you take any meds? If so which and why? birth control. Do you like this survey? meh. a bit long.

[myasthmajourney]

Another attempt at exercise

So yesterday morning, I finished my last oral steroid and am purely on my regular meds.  The last two days have not been bad, though I did need support after a 3 hour stint at work (I teach English here in Japan, so long talks sometimes).

My PF has been maintaining itself at around 570, which is pretty good, and I am almost able to do normal stuff again.  Naturally, I had to test this by going on a short walk today with my dog--because I really wanted to!  I went with my father-in-law because we are working on getting my dog used to other people taking care of him.

I ended up walking far longer than I wanted--it was only supposed to be 10-15 minutes, but it ended up being a little over 20.  I did take my emergency (most people call it rescue or reliever inhaler, but I gave it a name based on the Japanese translation) prior to the walk and did a little warm up, too.  Despite this, I needed my emergency again not long after getting home.  I couldn't get my breathing to settle.  I have a natural habit, now, of slowing my breathing in a certain pattern.  I breath in slowly through my nose, slight pause then let it out slowly through my lips while they are slightly pursed, and another slight pause.  It was recommended by my doctor as well as several sites online.  I don't count so religiously as some expect, though, because during this time, I can only do so much.  It helps sometimes, but usually just enough for me to realize I need my emergency anyways XD  I guess it is similar to that Buteyko thing going around, but I haven't read about it yet.  

I have found an interesting thing that usually happens when I am trying to sleep and having a flare like this.  I find that if I am not careful about how much I exhale, it feels like my lungs slightly deflate too much.  It is a very weird, uncomfortable feeling.  So I lessen how much I exhale if I need to.  I have not ever felt this unless I was lying down, though.

Anyway, after my first exercise stint in about a month, I was naturally exhausted.  I ended up taking a nap, but even on waking I was still feeling the effects.  I eventually needed my emergency again.  I am feeling better now and want to try another walk tomorrow---this time shorter ^_^;

I had not understood that EIB can flare up hours later.  I mean, I knew it happened because that was my experience---but 5+ years ago, there was not that kind of information out there.  I find that the information available changes every couple of years, so I will have to keep up on this.

In the mean time, drinking ginger tea is going well.  No flare, and hopefully this will also help with my poor circulation.  I don't completely believe most of the "alternative medicine" out there, but if there is some kind of solid science behind it, I will give it a try.  Not sure if there will be any effects, but it *is* healthy, so why not?

I think the hardest thing about being an asthmatic with little support in a country where you are still unsure of some of the more deeper parts of the language is...motivation.  You feel so disheartened sometimes, always wondering what to do and how to do it and feeling like you have no one to ask.  I sat there for twenty minutes after waking up wondering if I really needed my meds, thinking maybe I shouldn't...then doing it anyways and it turned out to be the right thing.  It is hard to get that translated to the doctor.  My husband does his level best to act as a translator for me, but sometimes words don't translate well from Japanese to English and vice versa.  We are both learning.

Well, anyway, I am hoping to get at least three walking bouts this week--if I am lucky.  The weather is dropping like a fly and snow is predicted, plus a cold wind today.  All things not in favor of me walking.  Why, then, do I not exercise inside?  Easy.  No room to do that.  At all.  We really need to throw some stuff out XD