#An Unbelievable Story of Rape

[duinlam]

“Memories come back in bits and pieces.”

An Unbelievable Story of Rape.

- Ken Armstrong, T. Christian Miller -

Unbelievable (2019).

Created by Susannah Grant, Ayelet Waldman, Michael Chabon.

Kaitlyn Dever - Toni Collette

[dreamy-conceit]

Understanding that none of this was your fault—it was a horrible situation that was imposed on you—I wonder if there's something of value you can take from it. This might not be the last time in your life that you're misunderstood or mistrusted. I just wonder if there's a way to think about it, about how you might manage this kind of injustice, if it were to happen again.

— 'Unbelievable' (2019 miniseries), based on the Pulitzer Prize- and George Polk- Award-Winning article, 'An Unbelievable Story of Rape', about victims who were disbelieved by police.

[rivilu]

I dont really believe in afterlife as a place, but if one exists im finding the Roman fucker that adapted the Medusa story and pummeling him to death a second time

[menalez]

i’m getting spammed with anon hate and i honestly don’t think this place is redeemable so im probs not going to be posting for idk how long. radblr has given me less than nothing. since joining radblr, people have overwhelmingly been unbelievably cruel to me.

my first year on radblr, women 1-2 decades older than me viciously harassed me for asking questions as someone not familiar with certain beliefs held here. these women harassed me for months non-stop, posted my full legal name, posted homes neighbouring where i lived in bahrain, and essentially released my private information. i had to threaten them back just in hopes they would leave me alone, which they didn’t really do. they simply stopped posting my name bc they wanted to make me look like im bad for finding one of their names simply by googling her url (her full name was her twitter username). one of the people in that circle was radicaldumbass, who then came back as macroclit, and again came back as radicalstoner. i moved on but i haven’t forgotten.

then, black-diaspora repeated the same thing. she posted pictures of my mother and led people to finding my mom's facebook. to this day, i still get anons with my mother’s name and my sister’s name. my sister was about 13 when anons first started sending me her name in threatening anons. somehow, black-diaspora was rewritten as a victim of mine despite her being repeatedly racist & lesbophobic to me & posting my mom’s info.

i was being abused by my ex-gf and women on here literally picked my abuse apart and enabled TRAs like lostelvenqueen to make up lies that i was the one abusing my abuser. that vicious lie was reiterated for 4 years. while being abused, women on radblr were mocking me for needing money when my ex-girlfriend was actively stealing from me at the time. to this day people use against me the fact that i needed help in that time bc some mutuals helped finance 2 dinners & my medication, all of which i either paid them back for or drew art as payment.

then, again, another woman dug through an old blog i ran as a teenager and found some posts here and there to make it seem like i, as a 15 and 16 year old, definitely loved being totally controlled by someone and physically abused whenever i didn’t follow his exact commands. i spoke openly about this trauma years prior to this person “exposing” me & arguing that i actually wanted that abuse by pointing to random innocuous posts and forming a story out of it. i think every abuse victim can imagine how difficult it is to still face trauma from something and instead of being allowed to heal, having it brought up to you several days a week to taunt you and having “feminists” tell you that you actually wanted it and are lying when you say otherwise. to this day, i get daily anons mentioning my name because this woman also put my legal name out there.

women here have put me in physical danger, they have made up the vilest lies about me, they’ve called me racial slurs, they’ve been outright racist to me, they’ve speculated about my rape & abuse, they’ve joked about lynching me, they’ve questioned things as minuscule as what i had for dinner. and despite that, i haven’t returned that same treatment. i remained relatively consistent, i simply criticised what i thought was wrong and provided evidence to my statements.

i made some nice friends on here & i’ll keep talking to them. but i’m going to be reevaluating why i’m wasting my time in a space that has overwhelmingly caused me stress, a space where countless unbelievable lies have been spun about me and a place where people have said & done the vilest things and in the end, i was always framed as a bad person based on half-truths or outright lies. now, people falsely claim that women who unfollow me or block me risk having their private information exposed, when i have met at least a dozen women from radblr and run a server with hundreds of women from radblr, have seen hundreds of faces, and have never exposed such information even if we end up disliking each other. i could tolerate many ridiculous lies, but why should i? i’m pretty fed up of tolerating this.

enjoy spinning this however you want and lying about me further. idk when i’ll be back or if i’ll want to be back. it’s pretty clear to me that this space prioritises lesbophobes & racists (& sometimes even downright misogynists) over people who calmly criticise it. i joined this space initially bc i thought it was somewhere where i could freely be a lesbian without being hassled for it, but radblr doesn’t even offer that anymore.

[sunfyrisms]

The Rhaenys vs. Alicent scene in 1.09 was bad enough in isolation, but when you pair it with all the humiliation Alicent's character has endured in S2, and realize that both 1.09 and 2.08 were both written by Sara Hess, the latter episode which features Alicent once again being disparaged by a Targaryen woman ... yikes 😬

the thing is, in both instances, sara hess uses these two characters as self inserts to convey her own message. those scenes are so wildly jarring because it’s so obvious it isn’t rhaenys and rhaenyra speaking. it makes rhaenys seem hypocritical at best and stupid at worst. it makes no sense for rhaenyra, who has never cared about the opinion of others or the consequences of her own actions.

the whole scene with rhaenyra and alicent is wildly uncomfortable because… why are they talking to each other? after all they and their children have done to each other and their children? i won’t talk about how it was just an unbelievably embarrassing scene that only served to force a terrible ship, and inadvertently destroy rhaenyra and alicent’s respective characters, because that isn’t the point.

hess uses these characters to voice her very weird, very modern takes while somehow forgetting this story doesn’t take place in a modern world. she doesn’t care how awful it portrays said characters, or how inconsistent it makes their characterization. hess has a very odd opinion on the woman who was forced to be a child bride and birth her children through marital rape. coincidentally, said character the only woman of the three who isn’t a targaryen dragonrider. weird.

[doomsdaydicecascader]

to this day i still kind of think rose is a play on hermione from hussie, who was ahead of the fucking curve in terms of hating harry potter so thoroughly (one day i will read wizardy herbert)

like, she is someone who performs emotional intelligence, yet utterly lacks any skills in applying it in practice. and well, that's hermione too, right? the answer is complicated, since jk rowling is a bad and inconsistent writer. but unlike in harry potter, where hermione's destructive, malicious nature is so unbelievably understated despite it being her most compelling trait, both because it is disguised as righteous violence (keeping the "mannish" rita skeeter in a jar for 3 months [the signs were there all along] and having umbridge kidnapped by centaurs to be raped) and because it exists in constrast with the increasingly aberrant infliction of mothering femininity as her core character trait as she comes of age in the stories and the dread beast gender sinks its teeth into the story (the signs were there all along)

rose's destructive streak is rightfully recognized as one of the coolest things about her, and with recent homestuck beyond canon developments, even her impulses towards motherhood are applyed as means of furthering this destructive streak. and it is cool. to be clear.

we stan rose lalonde here

[footytea]

disclaimer: these are all romain molina's claims. none of them are mine. romain is an investigative journalist who focuses on exposing corruption, abuse, etc. within the football world. i'm just sharing what he has said over the past few years. some of these claims might sound crazy, but not unbelievable, unfortunately.

trigger warning: his claims mention topics such as rape, abuse, pedophilia, etc. so if those are topics you're not comfortable reading about, please don't continue reading.

one particular topic romain molina has been repeatedly speaking about is the pedophilia and trafficking ring(s) within the football world, involving many (as molina said over half of the) federations, including the spanish federation and the french federation, but also in south & north america, asia, africa. what is happening within these federations is actively being covered up and romain claims that even the french government is involved in the shit happening within the french football federation.

here's a list of a few claims romain molina has made:

more than 400 international players from the premier league, championship, ligue 1 and ligue 2 have been raped multiple times during their youth. some of them had anal injuries and diseases as a result and would go to specialised clinics to be treated. this has been going on for at least two decades.

an international coach was caught raping two 13 year old girls in the middle of an international tournament. his employer covered everything up for him, but still fired him in 2017. romain molina later went on to say that this story was also covered up by a footballer who many idolise and would use as their profile pic on twitter.

a ligue 1 club covered up a pedophilia case, that took place in their training centre. the (foreign) victim was later sent back to his country of origin.

victims of abuse and people who knew about this cannot speak up without facing major consequences. a human rights lawyer who was in the space romain hosted also stated how dangerous it is for the victims to talk about the abuse they have suffered.

an ex-member of the french federation said the following: "when something happens, we keep quiet. they have too much power. the second you speak, it's over."

the ex-director of the french federation said: "at the FFF, everyone talks to everyone. they are all aware of these affairs but they are very quickly buried. it's a policy of silence. they are like ostriches: head in the sand. if you speak, you are eliminated."

didier deschamps apparently claimed he had no idea about the cases of abuse within the french federation, while he was in contact with several people involved these abuse cases and knew about everything happening, but kept quiet for financial reasons.

a lot of molina's work focuses on african football. he has shared stories of female players forced to get abortions (one even died as a result), luring children to their homes, giving children blowjobs and keeping their sperm in jars to perform rituals, academies ran by pedophiles. crazy stuff.

some claims he made unrelated to the pedophilia and trafficking rings:

a current (this was back in 2021, idk if he's still a current player) french international player would organise parties where he would shit in women's mouths and film himself doing it. he forced a girl to participate, who later on issued a formal complaint. molina was also sent a video.

apparently helium balloons are very popular at arsenal and there's a player who even threw a "nitrous oxide balloons"-themed birthday party.

generally, a lot of players smoke shisha. there was a time psg players would bring their shisha/hookah with them on away games. one of the players who would regularly smoke shisha is blaise matuidi.

a few notes:

these are just a few of his claims summarised. if you want more details i would have to deep dive into his work more. romain has written several books and has been doing investigative work for longer than a decade now.

this space was insane, i think there were about 80k listening, even clubs' official twitter accounts were tuning in. the rock was in the space at one point as well 😭 i can't remember who else tuned in as it's been 2/3 years already

these claims simply show how rotten football institutions are and how it isn't surprising that footballers with rape/abuse charges don't have their careers ruined, when the people in charge are doing the same things and even worse.

[mswyrr]

God forbid a rape survivor fall in love and have a libido and kiss (Mysaria initiated the kiss!) someone she wants to kiss after sharing deeply and hugging each other.

(The description wasn't graphic at all, by the way. Nor would the book, which is a faux history written much later by a maester, have any info like this but that doesn't mean it ought not to be there)

Side note I love the way op talks like rape and incest abuse is some unbelievable thing that never happens, whether in their society or ours. That kind of disbelief and Othering of survivors is exactly what Rhaenyra did so well by not engaging in. She listened and accepted what Mysaria chose to share and *saw her no differently or as less of a person*. She treated her with tenderness and recognized the trust Mysaria was showing in her but didn't categorize her as broken or a freak because some of the cruelest parts of life have been inflicted on her.

That's what people cruel things have been done to need. Acceptance and recognition and respect.

Rhaenyra is a damn faux medieval character and she has better awareness and sensitivity than people who could Google and educate themselves instead of sprewing garbage.

Edit: In the US, which isn't as violent and extreme as Westeros, 1 in 9 girls and 1 in 20 boys are sexually abused by a relative according to RAINN. Survivors are not fairy tale monsters who don't belong in this story. Survivors' presence in stories isn't "irrelevant." Being a survivor or loving one is a common experience for queer women. Supporting a partner who is a survivor is a common part of ff relationships. Survivors are just people who deserve to be able to experience the trust and love and respect for her as a full person Rhaenyra displayed toward Mysaria.

And yeah that's an "aokay sapphic ship." More than that even. It's beautiful.

[gacha-incels]

My current theory is that ( Puts tinfoil hat )  The ongoing gender war stuff in both CN and KR have definitely shifted how some 'waifu-collectors' see the female player base and therefore male characters in gacha games. There's definitely an ongoing narrative that women are the root of toxicity and more devs should adopt the waifu-only policy to appeal to as few women as possible and gatekeep their safe havens. The irony is that most of these people advocating to exclude women are using the vocal minority for their examples as to why, which is exactly what they don't want done to themselves. Basically, women should only play Love and Deepspace and men can play GFL2/AL/Snowbreak/Nikke etc. As long as women 'stay in their lane' they are satisfied, even though it's been shown that both men and women will pull for characters of the opposite gender and vice versa. Mixed cast games are trying to err on the side of caution because if they don't appeal to this crowd enough (by skewing the gender ratio harder, or by making more fanservice designs) then they will be brigaded on social media for appealing too much towards women or radical feminists.

omg yeah I feel like “gamer” men say this outright around the world from east to west. “women are coming into our games and making the women less sexy and everything more toxic” etc. attitude has ramped up. though it was always bad if you remember, in the west at least, the absolute insane violent tantrum reaction to Anita Sarkeesian for making like I cannot stress this enough just pretty basic feminist videos about video games. It was like seeing grown adult men have the same type of screaming tantrum a toddler would have when you tell him he can’t have an expensive toy at the store. except instead of one kid sitting on the floor screaming it was an unbelievable amount of men worldwide sitting in their computer chairs screaming and writing graphic rape threats and making full video games where you violently beat her. For the crime of just one woman talking about fucking Mario or whatever. THIS is how these men react when you do something as benign as that. I posted some more about this here.

you have no idea the insane shit that gets blamed on female fans or female employees of mixed sex gachas. A lot of that has been already posted here obviously so I’ll post something new I saw just so we can archive some more examples. Recently one of my friends from the infrared blog I sometimes repost here showed me this strange phenomenon happening on the Genshin impact leaks subreddit where a good amount of guys were accusing the developers of the game of being fujoshis because they thought a new female water character was being nerfed so that a previously released male water character would be the strongest water character. I thought this was a joke (my mistake) but it spanned a LOT of comments and got extremely heated. Later I found these comments in another thread there

Like this is the thought process. This sucked -> ok so probably a woman wrote it -> well most writers graduated from liberal arts schools, and most liberal arts students are women, so it was definitely a female writer. This is how easy it is for this type of “gamer” male to blame anything they hate on women. They did this for one of the stories in HSR that was disliked as well. If you look up “有男不玩” there are videos on bilibili but also some on YouTube where you can get snippets of how these guys are thinking about female gacha players. They share some similarities with all gamer men who think women are more frivolous, unskilled and don’t like action games. there were particular comments that reminded me of how Korean incels wrote about women, in that games should stop pandering to us altogether because we don’t have enough money, or if we do have money it’s because it’s coming from a boyfriend or male relative, or we’re all just playing f2p. ironically a huge amount of merch sales, IRL events and fan-PR like fanart comes from female players and they are usually the ones to stick around the longest I believe, but these guys only understand the money aspect of these games.

There are a lot of ones that were interesting but I don’t want to use too many since I was working with MTL, and then looking up individual phrases, and then retranslating some, and then looking up context, etc. lol. so when I have a better grasp on this I can make a better post.

in regards to how they find it ok if the games are sex segregated yes exactly,I posted about this earlier and probably a couple months ago too but this was most recent so it’s easiest to just copy here

[nightcolorz]

So while it’s all unbelievably angsty (I both want it so much and am begging it not to be true) I am absolutely compelled and unbelievably here for your Armand and Marius thoughts. I just want to hear ALL of them.

The idea that’s where he goes in the wake of s2 is absolutely devastating. Please tell me more about how you think that goes. How the other characters react, really anything. I never even considered it as an option and now that I am… Oh The Possibilities. What’s even going through his head that he thinks that is the choice he needs to make???

oooooo thank u for the ask hehe!! I’m a lil overwhelmed by the freedom of “just say any thoughts u have on this topic u love”, an autistic kids dream truly lmao, tyy

I’ll start with “what would be going through Armand’s head if my theory were to come true and Armand goes back to Marius in season 2”. The important factor here is that I think that Amc Armand particularly is still in love with Marius. It would be hard for him not to be, I mean Marius has played every formative role in armands life (adoptive father, vampire maker which is akin to biological father to a lot of vampires, first love and love of his life, actual master who owned him, man who saved his life, man who he considers actual God, first kiss, guy who beats tf out of him often, his only family, his caretaker, his savior, the guy who pimped him out and molested him, his past, his identity, I could go on).

So with that in mind it makes sense why Armand would not let go of his feelings for Marius easily. Despite how much he was harmed by him, and how Armand is aware that he was harmed, Marius is quite literally everything to Armand and that is incredibly difficult to just discard. But in addition to how important he is to him, Armand also likely doesn’t consider what he went through at the hands of Marius to be abuse. Obviously he knows he was abused in the brothel, but think about how he words his story when he tells it to Louis. “I was in the brothel, it was horrible, Marius saved me, he’s so good to me, he is so merciful, yes he did do these very bad things to me, but it was his right”. That is not how someone who does not love their abuser speaks about their abuse 😭. Armand doesn’t present his relationship with Marius as good, then vaguely word the trauma Marius put him through in a way that both downplays it’s reality and implies in word choice that Marius was entitled to do that, just for dramatic affect. He speaks about his past that way because that’s how he sees it!!

the way Armand perceives it, Marius sexually abusing him, though it was horrifying for him to experience and he is aware of that, was not something he is entitled to resent him for because Marius also, in addition, showed Armand mercy and kindness and care that no one in Armand’s life has ever shown him before or since, and so marius was entitled to take anything from Armand regardless of how it hurt him in return. I also think Armand has a warped view of how seriously wrong it is for people to rape and abuse him because he was taught in his very formative years in the brothel (which btw r his first memories bcus he has forgotten his entire life before that), that Armand’s purpose first and foremost is for people to have sex with him, and therefore it’s not fair of him to judge anyone for taking that from him. Over all, Armand thinks Marius was a good man who treated Armand with more kindness than anyone ever has and Armand will always love him for that.

So looking at it from Armand’s perspective, in season two he is super vulnerable, he feels like “hes nothing” as he says, because Louis left him, and Armand when he isn’t in a relationship or attaching himself to some greater purpose or system (like the cult or the coven), literally doesn’t know how to live. Bcus of his trauma he can’t function or feel safe if he isn’t submitting to something (literally or figuratively). He doesn’t trust himself to be capable of being an independent person bcus he never has been, in his life. So….after season 2 he is very desperate. He turns Daniel which other characters perceive as being both an unhinged, mentally ill move, and potentially a breaking of his core values (if an unstable person is suddenly giving up on their values that is very bad news), and now literally no one knows where he is. It definitely makes sense that if Armand is aware that Marius is alive, he thought, “hey I’m completely and utterly alone and abandoned and I feel like I can’t exist, I’m not capable of living like this bcus I’m weak and submissive and I need someone to give me a purpose, oh my god I wish things just went back to the way they were when I was a kid and my dad took care of me. My dad did abuse me but I deserved it, and he was so gentle and kind to me, and no one ever treats me like that anymore. I know he will let me stay with him if I just go back to how I used to be, which I am willing to do.” Likeee from Armand’s perspective that is a very understandable choice to make 😭 tho I’m sure one he’s very ashamed of, which would explain why he’s dropped off the face of the earth.

I think the other characters would definitely judge Armand for this 😭 and not understand it, and treat him like he’s being insane and irrational. Which I think bcus so far none of the amc iwtv characters have much empathy or understanding for Armand’s trauma and how he reacts and thinks about things bcus of it. I feel so bad for him 😭😭

[stardust-sunset]

I find it very uncomfortable how the whistleblower is almost taking righteous glee in the fact that they're exposing an alleged rapist. Their Instagram stories have gone from "here are these things that other people in the industry are saying" to "Brody to SE Hinton to the Tony's as a shield" and "he lives with Danya Taymor and is currently sleeping with her". Like what??? Do you even care about the victims at all? Why are you spreading unbased rumors like these? You're only hurting the victims more

that’s what makes this so unbelievable to me. it’s so inconsistent. she said she wasn’t gonna post about this anymore. and tenant said anything about the other three people. just brody. that’s why this is all so confusing. and everything is alleged. she never actually had evidence from a victim. not to say there are none but it was just a bunch of people claiming that they knew someone or knew him in high school or college. OP also said they didn’t know any victims. they heard from a friend. this whole situation is scummy and she’s had people message her who have cyberstalked other cast members like brent comer because apparently he doesn’t like brody’s posts or smith. plus the immediate screenshotting of things from reddit with no basis like saying ‘these sick fucks are cooked’ with a screenshot saying brody wasn’t gonna be in any shows. apparently he’s planned break this for a while and has another planned break mid july. i heard it was a family emergency tho. i dunno.

also him sleeping with the director is weird because a. that’s a ten year age gap, b. he’s confirmed single and not looking according to Melody Rose’s live when someone asked if Brody was single (credits to my friend for sharing this with me, idk if they wanna be called out and if they do i’ll tag them) and c. what basis is there for that?

honestly this just leads me to believe that the person wants to ruin his life because first off rape allegations are extremely serious and i hope it does get investigated and second off now she’s spreading fake rumours. the rumours are leading me to believe that the first things she said weren’t real either because if she’s willing to lie about Brody’s personal life who knows what else she’s capable of doing.

I’ll say this in all my posts-I believe the victims unless stated otherwise. Do not start giving me shit for ‘defending a rapist’ because that’s not what i’m doing. i’m just saying there’s obvious inconsistencies in OPs story and that things aren’t even about the rape allegations anymore. It seems to be about Brody and Brody alone even though there are claims of three other cast members being rapists.

feel free to talk to me in the notes or send these asks to my acc where i discuss things like this (@firefly-sky-2) and i’ll be happy to explain anything you want me to explain.

[tocomplainfriend]

Responding to your post about fiction affecting reality: very well-written post and that’s something I agree with wholeheartedly!

Full disclosure: I am a Vivz supporter and don’t really interact with the critique community because of negative past experience (hence the anon), but I really liked your post as it was well-researched and brought up a lot of points that I did agree on. Mostly that, as you evidenced, “it’s just fiction” isn’t a great argument for poorly portraying a serious concept when there can be tangible consequences for that portrayal. And you gave some really striking examples.

In terms of Hazbin, it is not that I believe that Val’s portrayal as an abuser (and consequently Angel’s as a victim) lacks any impact, but instead that it adds a positive one. This isn’t something I’ve researched so the evidence I have of this is personal experience, but as you said in your post that media can affect real life I felt inspired to add to that conversation with how it personally affected me.

So I was aware rationally that a common result of abuse/SA is hypersexuality, like I’d seen that on psychology blogs and such but never really understood it. I’m ashamed to say I thought it was a little weird and very rare. Hazbin was what finally challenged that notion with me. Being able to see how abuse looks and attribute those events to Angel’s actions step-by-step made something click in my head. I even remember that shortly after seeing that episode, I apologized to one of my friends (a survivor themselves) over some judgmental comments I’d recently made over hypersexuality. Said friend also watched Hazbin with me and it’s the reason they talk more openly to me now and we’re a lot closer. Val’s “stupid” behavior in the show and mentioned in Vivz’s comments did not lessen the impact that episode had on me, or make it unbelievable to me that Val could be manipulative. If anything I understand more now that abusers don’t always appear as psychopathic masterminds. And I know my friend finds comments like the Mean Girls one funny and they tell me it’s empowering to make fun of Val’s incompetence.

That’s not the only positive influence Hazbin’s had on me, but the most relevant to your post, I believe. It’s the reason I’m often a skeptic on most criticisms, because my lived experience tends to go against them. You said the negative impact of Val was that people are drawing fetish art of him, but the only time I ever see that art is within critic’s posts. It never shows up in my regular feed, so it looks to me like he’s equally as fetishized as every other character; the unfortunate inevitability of the internet. I can’t say I’ve seen anyone post about stories like mine about learning to understand survivors, but I have heard positive stories from survivors themselves in person and online which lead me to believe that the positive impact outweighs the negative.

Fiction has real impact, very true. But consider that might be a good thing in this case.

Thanks for being respectful!

TW: Rape, SA

I'm a victim of SA myself and that's why I wrote all of this post. If you got something positive out of this piece of media, that's great. Same with victims that saw potion and were okay with it- that valid as much as the people that didn't like it at all. I recommend watching many others shows yourself (or movies, books, whatever) will help you out with sorts of topics in bigger ways. I understand you feel like you got something good out if (and I'm glad) but I do need to say, this is minimal in comparison to other media you could consume regarding the topic!

I personally suffer with Hypersexuality, and the treatment in the show (and merch and otherwise) I found completely wrong. Even if you got to a good understatement of the topic, please put research into it (also outside Tumblr for that matter! There are better places to find stuff about!). Thank you also for admitting your faults over your treatment of hypersexuality and apologizing for it. Many people will never let themselves grasp this concept, so thank you.

If you took Valentino's comparison to Mean Girls or Powerpuff Girl as a way of making fun of him, that's you. I found it, personally, terrible. Specially cause many comments regarding that (that I put on the post) were people actively disregarding the topic at hand. Saying that Valentino is just a karen, or He is Bubbles coded, feels so out of the realm of everything (the last one didn't feel like making fun of him). I don't like the comparison of an active sexual predator to a mean high school girl or a kinder garden girl that's regarded as bubblely or dumb. Feel like you should reach into his actions over It feels diminishing to me and other people (who also complained about this themselves).

People should be extremely careful of what they portray about this topic in media. Other stuff written in Hazbin or Helluva Boss regarding R-pe jokes also is extremely disgusting to me. Never forget that if you think this portrayal is ok, one episode apart it's a gang r-pe jokes towards Sir Pen... and an r-pe joke towards Moxxie in Spring Brakers. Which I find extremely disrespectful to do and adds to r-pe culture as much as any other r-pe jokes (general or towards men) in media. Especially when they want to portray it in a serious way with Angel, where was that energy then? (Don't say Viv didn't write that, she liked a tweet about the Sir pen joke, and the spring braker is written by Viv and Brandon.)

Also, about manipulation:

The tweet right below says that "He isn't manipulating them" because he is too stupid to do so. Responding "The Vees are just meangirls" it's crazy to me.

About "You said the negative impact of Val was that people are drawing fetish art of him, but the only time I ever see that art is within critic’s posts. It never shows up in my regular feed"

Val has being fetishized by the crew itself! The person (who is not an SA/r-pe victim said by themselves, who has being open of shipping ValxAngel and being into r-pe porn) is the one that produce the whole poison part of the episode (also based on his previously non canon ValxAngel comic). You could also go throught the people Viv's responds and likes and it's mutuals with, and they also do the same thing as this crew-member (Raph). Congrats that it doesn't appear in your timeline, tho. If this art appears in a critic post, it is because it's being criticized or brought up to make a point.

[It's not on my blog yet, but I don't like receiving double ask in the inbox, specially of anons! Sorry. I don't know if it's the same person or not, and I don't want to end up receiving 5 asks in my inbox again.]

[burins]

Hi! I need the director's cut for "get out before the drop" please!

oh MAN. thank you for asking about get out before the drop! the jaydick topdrop fic is one of my favorite things I've written. i've been a little reluctant to talk about my jaydick fics because part of me was worried i was going to get death threats in my inbox and i got enough of that at work. but fuck it! i'm very proud of those fics- I think they're some of my best characterization work.

i wrote the bulk of get out before the drop on my phone at 2 AM after waking up in the middle of the night (like all the best fics: while slightly possessed.) like everything i write it's about bodies, but it's also about identity and boundaries and how your own understanding of those can smash up against someone else's. i say that not because i generally set out to write fics that are capital A About Things, this isn't an episode of degrassi, but it's kind of obvious what themes I had rattling around in the trunk.

continuing the rest of this below the cut (including discussion of consent and sexual assault)

obviously it's also a fic about consent. I said this in a few comments but I think fandom often sticks to one kind of story about consent-- which i absolutely understand. your standard rape recovery fic is a very cathartic story for many, many people! but in real life your partner is not a perfect fuck machine who dispenses sex in exactly the way you want it, in part because they are a human being and not a mind-reader. but also in part because for anyone, but particularly for survivors, it is often difficult to tell the difference between "this is uncomfortable but in a good and healing way" and "oh god i gotta eject." and that's no one's fault! learning to listen to your body again after ignoring its signals for a long time is hard, and it sucks, and sometimes you learn where your boundaries are by whacking right up against them.

that's all general; in particular i wanted to write that kind of story for dick and jason, who are two people who have lost control of their bodies innumerable times and in incredibly dramatic ways. i think that has got to fuck with your head unbelievably! i think dick in particular is extremely used to pushing through physical discomfort to get what he wants to achieve, whether that's a mission objective or a training goal or emotional closeness. he's been doing it since he was a kid on the aerial bars! he started out ignoring his body way before the multiple on-page sexual assaults that DC doesn't want to acknowledge as sexual assaults. and also all of the mind control, of which there is so much that i wrote a whole other fic about it.

jason, on the other hand, I think is someone who tells himself one story: he has very carefully forged his body into exactly what he wants it to be, which is a weapon. and he is determinedly not thinking about the ways in which he has had absolutely no control over his body (his death, his resurrection, the pit-related changes.) the story Jason tells himself is actually quite similar to the one Dick is clinging to, which is another reason I love to write about them.

a side note: I'm of the school that doesn't ascribe to long term pit madness. I think Jason comes out of the pit a little crazy in ways that have everything to do with profound trauma and very little to do with supernatural whammies. he makes his own choices immediately after coming back and they are bad ones. I think taking that agency from him makes the story much less satisfying and much less tragic. and there's plenty of other ways he loses agency! he died!

all of this was rattling around my head while I was writing. but then I had to actually end the fic. which I struggled with! I was worried the ending - where Dick says alright, let's go again, redo - would come off too pat. but I also didn't want to fall into the trap of making dick a weeping damsel. (fandom's general desire to make dick grayson experience misogyny could be an essay in its own right.) and ultimately I'm happy with where I ended it! it is almost certainly a bad idea for them to jump right back into sex after both of them had panic attacks. and what is jaydick but not a bunch of bad ideas that somehow end up working out.

this post is so long. I didn't even get into the identity stuff, but I feel like that is much more on the surface of the fic and I kind of said what I wanted to say in the fic itself. thank you for asking!

director's commentary meme!

[leagueofidiots]

Why I think BNHA 427 was a bunch of bullshit

I am going to leave my personal opinions on characters out of this because that's a whole seperate issue, I want to focus on how this chapter pissed me off from a story standpoint

I think Horikoshi has seriously lost track of what the original point of this story was supposed to be. In general, I have found that the ending (up until now at least, I'm gonna hang in there) has gone completely against the themes originally present in the rest of the story, honestly since All for One's reveal that he orchestrated Tomura's birth.

My Hero Academia has always been about how there is no real black and white, good or evil, just a whole lot of grey area. The heroes are not all good people, and the system itself is corrupt. Most of the villains have been put in situations where they were nearly forced into the lives they lead, even though they're still terrorists. From the get-go, this story was set up to be about A.) fixing hero society, and B.) saving the villains while not dismissing the fact that they're literal terrorists.

For one, I think it is unbelievably fucking stupid that Tomura has been established to have done nothing wrong at this point, that he apparently has never made a decision in his life and is free of all guilt. I won't bother with how stupid it is as a character thing for him, his family, and All for One, because at the end of the day it is a shounen. Whatever. But all along, the theme of the entire league is that they did have a choice at the end of the day. Dabi's life was a living hell, but he still chose to join the LoV. Toga was discriminated against for her quirk, but she still chose to become a serial killer. Twice had the shittiest luck in the world and no support system, but he still formed a self-made gang. Spinner is a victim of quirkism, but he chose to follow in Stain's, and later Tomura's footsteps. While Tomura has always been raised in All for One's shadow, let's be honest. Even after All for One was arrested, and after he realized he had been groomed, he did far worse things than he did under All for One's wing. Part of this is obviously the fact that he was raised to be like All for One, but the level of sadism and power-hungriness he shows is something extremely brushed off by the fandom. The villains are sympathetic, yes, but at the end of the day they are still bad people. Removing Tomura's agency takes away from the whole common thread set up in the MLA arc, that all it takes is one bad day to make a villain. It was obviously just so Horikoshi could take the lazy route in his redemption.

To follow this, Tomura, from a story standpoint, should not be dead. Especially as the main villain, and the main one basically the entire cast was fighting to save. He was met with apologies and understanding, so there is at least a level of closure there (more on that later), but it defeats the whole point of the story if Tomura is dead. Horikoshi can obviously do whatever he wants with his own story, but the whole plot seemed to be setting up that the main three villains would live, be held accountable, and considered "saved" when they could live on with at least some sort of happiness and dignity. Tomura will not be held accountable in any tangible way, nor will he get to be at peace. It's extremely unfulfilling from a narrative standpoint.

The next thing I've been seeing a lot of is an absolutely baffling amount of Izuku hate. I have seen people (even canon now!!!) call him a murderer. I have even seen people go so far as to accuse him of mind-raping Tomura. The fandom is one thing, but the fact that Horikoshi seems to want us to agree with this statement, is actually fucking insane. I think that's what really made this chapter especially shitty for me. And I say this as a Spinner fan! It's about the way it's written. From Spinner's perspective, obviously he is going to be on Tomura's side. The narrative seems to want us to be on Tomura's side too, and honestly, I am not. Izuku went above and beyond to not only see Tomura's side of things, but to reach out and acknowledge his pain. Tomura got the only semi-satisfying ending (so far) out of any of the villains, except Overhaul for some reason. Dabi's chapter last week was absolutely sickening as an ending to his story. Now Spinner's arc has been completely written off in favor of serving Tomura (for the billionth time). Toga hasn't even been seen since her fight. Jin's death was pointless. Sako's sacrifice was pointless. Kurogiri's death was the most infuriating shit I have ever had to read. Tomura got acknowledgement from the heroes and the villains, he got apologies from several people, he got to watch All for One die not once but twice, and he got to go out on his own terms. The fact that anyone faults Izuku for A.) fighting a terrorist who was killing dozens of people at a time, B.) not treating him like an innocent little baby, and C.) not being able to help a man who didn't want help is beyond me. Again, the fact that this chapter seems to want us to agree with Spinner about even the people on TV is just honestly unrealistic. He was a terrorist. Obviously people won't care that much that he was traumatized.

BNHA 427 was the latest chapter in a long string of characters being completely ignored for the sake of Tomura's development. Every fight was cut shorter than it could have been all so we could see more of him mindlessly killing characters who don't even have names, and beating the shit out of Deku. A certain level of this is understandable, he is again the main villain, but some of it is just honestly dismissive of other characters.

I'll stick to Spinner since he's the only one relevant to this chapter, but I think his is perhaps the worst case aside from Kurogiri's. Since the MLA arc, the fandom and canon itself have brushed off Spinner as an extension of Tomura, a lense to show compassion towards him and nothing else. With very little development, we are suddenly supposed to believe that he completely abandoned his/Stain's ideals in favor of the complete opposite. Their entire relationship is 100% one-sided until flashbacks during the final war arc about nothing but League of Legends. Tomura claims he fights for Spinner by saying things we have never heard Spinner even mention, nonetheless support (destroying Mt. Fuji, world destruction in general). He is used as a tool in the final war arc to the point where he can barely form sentences, his points about quirkism are ignored, he can't process any sympathy shown to him, and he is immediately written off as soon as he gets to Kurogiri (another character used as a prop for Tomura's development). Even now, all he talks about is Tomura, all that is brought up to him is Tomura. Nothing about the rest of the league, next to nothing about his own physical condition, nothing acknowledging his trauma or the changes that need to be made to society. Spinner's whole character arc is about being empty, about finding himself by acting as someone he admires. His whole character conflict is that he has no identity of his own. So his arc is wrapped up by making everything about him relevant to Tomura? He's going to spend years writing a book about Tomura??? And nothing else for him?????

I don't know what else to say. The story has been going downhill for a while, it's just especially rubbing me the wrong way recently. I'm running out of faith that the next three chapters will be any good, but it's too late to quit now ig

[charmedreincarnation]

No offense… why don’t people get into the void for other people. I see so many success stories of people who get in and they immediately say they won’t enter the void for anyone because no one did for them. I’ve sent this to a lot of people but what if I was stabbed and find a way to get to the hospital and save my life and the next day I saw someone in the street stabbed and said oh well, no one helped me so I won’t help you :/// it makes believing in the law and stories on here so unbelievable 🤣

And a lot of people are people of color, in abusive situations, women and proclaimed fighters for said problems but won’t manifest for a vicitm of child rape if they asked 🧐

No offense, but the real issue here is the comfort you seem to feel using serious matters such as child sexual abuse against me when you're not even a victim. I also find it strange and misguided to compare others not manifesting for you to not aiding a stab victim. It's a false correlation and honestly quite bizarre, so let’s be so for real right now. I genuinely hope you learn to understand the nuances in the future!

Regardless the Law and the void, or whatever you choose to call your personal journey, are very intimate and individual experiences. I don't understand why you're placing your faith in others when you could be investing that same energy into yourself right now. After all, you are the one who will ultimately create your dream life, irrespective of how long it takes or how frustrated you may become.

Respectfully, I'm not particularly concerned with your beliefs or what's causing your doubt since that wasn’t in the ask and you’re just trying to be annoying . Butttt, I know that once you've manifested your dream life, your anger towards me will dissipate. So…channel that anger into your journey and focus on yourself pookie 😍😍 <3

[everlastingdreams]

The Weeping Monk x Reader : Born In The Dawn Chapter 16

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Story Summary: Locked inside a dark room in a dungeon, kept alive only for your power, you believed you’d never see the daylight again. That is until the Weeping Monk finds his way down and steals you from your captors. It is the beginning of a journey that leads you through hardship and newfound hope, but nothing is assured in a world that is changing for the Fey. The magic that runs in your veins is drawing out the worst the world has to offer, does it include the man who pulled you from the dark?

Chapter Title: Chosen

Notes: 

Warnings: Grief. Violence. Torture. Sexual Assault. Rape Threat. Gore. Enemies To Lovers. Pining. Trauma. Flagellation. Manipulation. Strong Language. Blood. Gore?. Misogyny. PTSD. Spicy and smut parts. Slight redemption arc.

Other warnings: Jealousy. Forbidden Love. Romance. Slow-burn…

Word count of this fic: +190K

Chapter:  16/ It’s a secret.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

You had spend the day practicing to walk again, Squirrel and Lancelot took turns helping. Your leg felt better, but the fever had taken a toll on your body and you had to stop multiple times.

Lancelot was helping you walk the short distance up and down the hall, not confident enough to let you try the stairwell until you felt a bit physically stronger.

“I need to get better. We shouldn’t be staying here for much longer, there are too many people looking for us.” You said while taking the turn at the end of the hall to walk down it again.

He was using his body to balance you next to him. “I strongly discourage leaving tomorrow. Let us wait until the day after, when we are certain that the medicine has done it’s task.”

You were concerned about the consequences it could bring. “I just don’t want to end up in a dungeon again.”

He wanted to know where the fear truly lies, “Are you worried Soran will find you? Or that the Trinity Guard is on our tail?”

Both were threats, one was worse than the other. “Soran has a worse reputation among the Dawn Folk than the Trinity Guard and Red Paladins ever had. Only one other was claimed to be as bad.”

Lancelot risked asking, “Am I the other?”

You looked at him apologetically. “You were. I’m sorry.”

Past tense?

“I understand.” He could not blame you for it.

You almost tripped over a damaged floorboard and he stopped with you until you were ready to continue.

You started walking again. “Hutch and Ives were part of the Reapers’ Brotherhood. I think they never told him that they had found me, I would not have been there for so long if they had.”

It made him question Soran’s motives, “What does he want with you? He would have traded your family to have you.”

You refused to believe that the Reaper was hunting you for the same reason you had left home. “There is only four of the Dawn Folk left. And Soran has been known to have taken and caused the deaths of many of them. I am just one of the many.”

He could tell that there was a reason you were always vague about your past. There was something you weren’t telling him.

Lancelot stopped with you in the middle of the hallway, “Is there something I should know? Something you are not telling me?”

The intensity in his eyes caused you to reply sharply, “No.”

You were lying. And he greatly disliked it.

You looked away when he kept looking you in the eyes, “How did you afford the medicine? Did you take the coins from my satchel that I got off that lord?”

His voice was monotone. “I killed the merchant and threw his body in the lake.”

Shock washed over your face and you pulled yourself away from him, “YOU WHAT?!”

The slight smirk on his face betrayed him. “I traded a dagger for it.”

You couldn’t believe he had you fooled. “You’re unbelievable!”

The Monk tried to take hold of your arm again but you refused to let him help you after that.

“What if you fall?” He walked behind you.

You used the wall for support as you stumbled through the hallway with only your anger as fuel. “I’d rather have the floor touching me than you.”

Even when you heard him chuckle, you refused to look at him.

Squirrel came up the stairs and saw you walk alone, he hurried over to you and quickly supported your side, then he scolded Lancelot, “Why aren’t you helping her?!”

The smirk was wiped off of Lancelot’s face right away. “She refused my help.”

The snippy boy then said, “I’ll do it then. You go and find us something to eat.”

He looked down at the overprotective young Fey knight. “We have cheese.”

Squirrel was quite blunt about it, “We’ve had cheese for days now. Find something else. Use your nose.”

You reeled the boy in before it got worse, “Squirrel.”

The boy looked at you, then back at him, “Please?”

Lancelot’s smirk returned. “Very well. I shall see what I can find.”

You watched him walk down the stairs and Squirrel helped you back to the room to rest.

~~~♡~~~♡~~~◇~~~♡~~~♡~~~

The Monk had found some edible berries that fit well together with the cheese, and the apples he found were a blessing.

After the three of you had eaten, he had went to the lower floor to see to the horses.

It was already dark and Squirrel had fallen asleep next to you on the bed, you didn’t want the boy to sleep on the ground again.

The Monk had been downstairs for quite a long time and you considered it possible that he might not feel like coming to the room.

You knew that he was aware that you had lied to him about hiding something.

You got out of the bed, careful not to wake Squirrel as you did.

With a fair amount of effort, you got down the stairwell on your own.

Getting through the hall that led to the church-like building was another challenge.

It was there that you found him, he was sitting on one of the pews right before the alter.

He was praying…

You knew he had not seen you yet and you wanted to leave.

Lancelot did not turn around, but stopped praying. “I know you’re there.”

Dammit…

You went into the building and walked over to him, “What are you praying for?”

“That is quite a personal question.” He remarked, then turned his head to face you. “I pray for guidance.”

You went to sit next to him, “Not forgiveness?”

He sat with his elbows on his knees, his hands folded together. “Praying for forgiveness while continuing the sin is futile.”

“Why pray to a god who will not listen?” It was a genuine question.

He asked you a similar one, “Why pray to gods who hurt you when you do not do their bidding?”

“Faith?” You guessed.

He nodded. “Or habit. It is either praying to a divine power, or our minds arguing with ourselves.”

Well… he had a valid point there.

A soft laugh escaped you. “I guess we just all want someone to listen to us sometimes.”

He enjoyed the sound of that and opened up more, “I do not know why I pray to God anymore, I reach out and there was only ever darkness.”

The small smile on your face went away, “You have always struggled with serving the Church, haven’t you?”

There was not a day when he had not questioned his faith, “I have.”

A silence fell between you, and then you placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a squeeze before letting go again.

“I think you and I need to talk.” You said

Why did hearing that, frighten him?

It was irrational, this could be about anything.

You did not leave him in suspense, “I am not sure what to think of the situation we find ourselves in. Please, do not be upset, it’s just… I never thought I would be out here fleeing those hunting us with the Weeping Monk.”

He was glad to hear that you wanted to explain how you were experiencing this. “I understand your reluctance to trust me. I did not think I would one day be out here with a Fey woman and child either.”

A small smile crept on your face again, “It’s strange, isn’t it?”

It came out like he hoped you agreed with it, “Under the circumstances, I would say we are doing well?”

“We are.��� You agreed on that. “Listen, I know I am not a person who trusts others easily. But I am trying. And considering you could have just left me to die in this place instead of going through all that hassle, I owe it to you to try.”

He shook his head a little. “You owe me nothing.”

You weren’t going to start a debate over this and nudged his shoulder with your own. “Well, then I’ll just do it out of the goodness of my heart.”

He saw a chance to find out more about you now that you were in a good mood, “Can you find it in your heart to tell me the truth?”

You had hoped that he would have forgotten about you lying to him. “I meant what I said, I believe the Reaper just wants me because I am Dawn Folk.”

He was waiting for you to say more and it pushed you over the line to the truth.

“The Hidden chose me as a summoner.” You quietly confessed.

The term was not familiar to him, “Summoner?”

You explained it to him. “A summoner is a Fey chosen by the Hidden. Some Fey are more attuned to the Hidden than others and only a few can hear them. It’s why I was so surprised to learn that you can hear them too.”

“I have always tried to ignore them.” He said.

That couldn’t have been easy with how strong their pull could be.

You envied how he had been more successful. “Once they choose their summoners, they can be very persistent, as you have seen. If I had accepted their offer, I would have been able to call upon them without it draining my energy so much.”

He sat upright more, “You refused the offer?”

You nodded. “With my abilities, I fear what I would become if I was given such power. No one person should have so much power, it poisons the heart and mind.”

He made the observation, “You do not trust the Hidden?”

Trust was not easy for you, but it was not the fault of the old gods that you feared the power they had offered. “I do not trust a power I do not understand. Everything comes at a price.”

He was puzzling it together, “Your family disagreed?”

Your gaze fell to your feet. “I disappointed them. They wanted me to become a summoner, to hide while others were slaughtered. I am Dawn Folk, I won’t hide while I could be saving them.”

Finally he understood. “That was why you left.”

You nodded, feeling yourself grow quiet. “Yes. If I left, I was told not to come back.”

Lancelot and you were quiet for a moment.

He could sense that family was a sensitive subject, and asked about your accomplishments that followed your departure, “Were you able to help many Feys before those Manbloods put you in that dungeon?”

It distracted you and made you try to count them all. “I think I healed almost a hundred before I was taken.”

The praise fell from him, “You followed your conscience and it is admirable.”

Was that a compliment?

“As did you.” You pointed out with a smile.

He wasn’t sure if he deserved the praise for it. “I had no plan.”

You shrugged your shoulders. “Neither did I.”

A smirk grew on his lips. “And now, here we are.”

You looked at the horses. “With somewhat of a plan, so I suppose we are getting better at this.”

He found himself growing more and more interested in your secrets, “Speaking of the plan, this friend we are traveling to, he wouldn’t happen to be named ‘Matthew’?”

You rolled your eyes and warned, “Don’t be nosy. I might put in a good word for you, if you don’t get on my nerves too much.”

His eyes widened slightly, then narrowed as he scoffed.

You got up from the pew. “I’m heading back upstairs. Squirrel is asleep.”

It took you a bit to get to the door that led to the cloister and before you could open the door, Lancelot was at your side.

You looked at him and with a tilt of his head began to support you by the elbow.

Together you walked down the path towards the stairwell.

He was pleased to see you walk again. “You are doing well.”

You were glad too. “That medicine and salve really helped.”

At the stairwell you cast him a glance and got a bit closer, “Gonna help me?”

The question surprised him, “Not going to try on your own?”

Right away, you took a step back again, feeling a bit stupid for asking. “Fine.”

He bit his tongue and put a hand against your back. “I was not serious.”

You send him a glare but held on to his shoulder for support anyway.

Step by step you ascended, finding that it was getting easier, the last few steps you were able to do on your own.

At the door of the room you quietly said, “You can sleep in one of the beds in the other rooms, we’ll be alright over here. You shouldn’t have to sleep on the floor.”

He gave an agreeing nod, and chose the room next to the one you and Squirrel were in. “Knock on the wall if you need me, I will hear it.”

You nodded back, “Thank you. Good night?”

He gave an inclination of the head and you walked into the room where Squirrel was still vast asleep on the bed.

You left the door open a little to show that you trusted Lancelot not to kill you in your sleep.

Squirrel was snoring a little, something you had gotten used to by now.

Quietly and carefully you got back into the bed and let that snoring help you fall asleep as well.

~~~♡~~~♡~~~◇~~~♡~~~♡~~~

The screaming rang into his ears like howling wind in ice cold weather.

His body jolted awake, hand reaching for his sword that rested a little further away against the side of the bed.

He was not even sure if it had been his nightmare or real.

The cloak was left behind in the room as he moved to the one you were in with the boy.

Only his sword accompanied him as he quietly moved the door further open than it was. It was a small sign of your trust towards him that the door was not locked.

His movements were calculated and quiet as he moved to the bed.

First he saw Percival, vastly asleep. He had to move around the bed to make sure you were alright as well.

The sight of you confirmed that the scream had only been part of his nightmare, it had been the memory of what he had heard when the wolf had set it’s teeth into your ankle.

It was rare for a dream to leave him as unsettled as he felt now. Your scream haunted him, even in his waking hours.

You were peacefully asleep, it helped him put his mind to ease again.

If you’d see him now, sword in hand whilst watching over your sleeping form, he knew you would be alarmed.

That believe was confirmed when your eyes slowly opened and he almost couldn’t stop himself from foolishly running off.

A gasp stumbled out of you while jolting upright in the bed.

“I thought I heard something.” He was quick to explain himself.

“Heard what?” You blurted out.

He sheepishly admitted, “A call for help.”

It was a guess, based on how he looked at you now, “From me?”

The Monk gave a shallow nod.

This man was looking quite pale in the little moonlight the window offered.

You moved the sheets away, carefully climbing out of the bed to make sure Squirrel did not wake.

When Lancelot saw you get up from the bed, he came to your side to support your elbow.

The fact that you didn’t even need to ask just showed how considerate he was becoming.

“Outside.” You whispered and walked out of the room with him.

Once in the corridor, you quietly closed the door behind you so Squirrel would not hear. You leaned against the wall. “You look distressed.”

It was a clear statement.

He grew somewhat uncomfortable, as if he believed you would demand to know why that was.

You let a silence fall, in the hope that his answer would fill it.

He looked off to the side, avoiding eye-contact, and said nothing for a while.

“I know I have been cold to you at times. But that does not mean that I am indifferent when I see that you aren’t doing well.” You admitted quietly, hoping it would help him.

Slowly his attention returned and he began to speak. “I was asleep, when I heard a scream. I had believed it to be real until I came to see that you and Percival were safe.”

It was impossible to miss how uncertain he looked while admitting to this.

His first reaction to a nightmare had been to come and make sure you and the boy were safe?

His subconscious was worried about your well-being…

You were quiet for a while, needing a moment to process the knowledge.

Opening up to someone like this, to admit he was forming an attachment, could not have been easy.

You would not exploit what you had learned tonight. “You’re protecting us…”

He swallowed thickly and send his gaze back to the wall again.

This growing attachment could break him…

Or perhaps he was already broken by the previous one that had ended with Father’s death.

Everything felt so fragile, so close to breaking apart. The more he let you learn of him, the easier it would be to be manipulated. And yet, his trust was growing day by day.

“And I am grateful that you are.” You told him, then patted his shoulder rather awkwardly. “I do hope you get some better sleep tonight.”

He just gave the smallest nod of acknowledgment, and you found yourself under that look he had when he was trying to read your mind. You met that look with a timid smile.

Then slowly, you turned and began to use the wall as support to get back to the room Squirrel was in, hearing a quiet sigh coming from him.

“Come here.” He said while taking hold of your elbow again to help.

He helped you back to the bed, then returned to the other room he had been sleeping in.

And you caught yourself hoping that his dreams would be more kind to him in the future.

~~~♡~~~♡~~~◇~~~♡~~~♡~~~

It did not surprise you one bit that Squirrel was no longer sleeping in the bed next to you that morning. Your ankle felt much better and you could walk easier now if you took slow steps.

You didn’t find them in the room next to yours and headed downstairs. The door to the chapter house was open, Lancelot and Squirrel were standing over a table with a map.

You walked into the chapter house room and asked, “Where did the map come from?”

Lancelot gestured to the table. “I found it here.”

You stopped next to Squirrel, “Planning the journey?”

He nodded. “I am. This friend, where will we find him?”

Your eyes squinted a bit and you pointed to an area on the map. “We’ll find them here.”

A quiet sigh escaped the Monk. “Moving past Uther’s castle will be difficult, the land around it is well guarded…” His finger grazed over the map. “If we go along the villages, we will be able to replenish our supplies and we need food. But…”

You guessed what the problem was. “We risk getting caught.”

He gave a nod while studying the map. “Along the river is an option as well, but if the weather is against us then a day of rain can leave us with soaked clothes for days.”

There were valid problems he was addressing.

After some thought, you considered the path along the villages the safest. “By going along the river, we will have no shelter or food. We’ll be easy targets for wolves again.”

Lancelot was looking at you to make the decision.

But you wanted his input on it, “If you were traveling alone, what would you do?”

He would be far more reckless in his decisions.

Now there were people counting on him again.

He answered, “I am not alone now. There is a person with me who is still healing from infection, and Percival. Along the villages it is then?”

You agreed on it and gestured to him. “Along the villages. Keep that cloak close, out of the three of us, you are the easiest to recognize.”

Squirrel came up with an idea, “We can put some mud on his face, so others will think his marks are just that too?”

Was the boy really comparing his markings with mud?

You gave Squirrel’s arm a nudge.

The Monk was trying not to take it personal and remind himself that Squirrel was often blunt but still just a child.

“Your Ash Folk markings do not like mud stains.” You said, then nudged the boy again. “Right, Squirrel?”

The boy looked up at your curiously, like he was baffled that you really thought so.

“Squirrel.” You said a little firmer.

The cheeky boy yielded. “Alright, fine. They don’t.”

Lancelot did not let it get to his heart. “Tomorrow we leave. Today we can prepare ourselves for the journey.”

The Monk rolled up the map and took it with him.

Together you walked to where the horses were and saw him begin to take off all the items Goliath wore that bore the cross symbol.

“Wise choice.” You went over to do the same with your horse.

Squirrel choose to help Lancelot, the boy was getting quite fond of the black steed and it’s rider.

“What?” The boy suddenly said.

You looked over at them and saw that the question was for Lancelot, Squirrel was looking back and forth between you and him.

“Nothing.” The Monk quickly answered.

Squirrel send him a doubtful look, which the Monk ignored.

That was odd…

Once the horses were relieved off their religious symbols, Lancelot suggested that it would be best to collect anything useful you could find.

While he did his best to get anything useful out of the old infirmary, you exchanged the remaining linen from the dungeon for the cleaner ones of the abbey.

They looked eerily similar and you were almost certain that the Brothers had taken them from this abandoned abbey too.

Squirrel was searching the place and returned from the kitchens with something useful. “Look what I found!”

You turned around to see him hold two empty large woven sacks that were almost bigger than him and praised the boy for it. “Goodness. Good find! We’ll use one, can you bring the other to Lancelot?”

Squirrel was already running over to the infirmary.

Those sacks would be far more handy than having to use a linen sheet to store everything inside. You went upstairs with the sack and rummaged through the rooms and every single cabinet or chest that you ran into.

In one of the rooms you found a comb, that was useful. The room next to it, at the end of the hall, contained what you had been wishing for.

A pair of trousers and a clean long sleeved shirt were in a drawer. The shirt was a little too big but your bodice would hide that well enough.

You stuffed them into the sack for later, when there was a moment to change into them.

Once you were done with searching the room, you went back downstairs and ran into Squirrel who had been on his way to you again. “I found a comb, I can help you with your hair now too.”

Squirrel grimaced and scrunched his nose at the idea. “No.”

You were left staring at his back when the boy began to walk away.

Just then, Lancelot came out of the infirmary and must have heard the boy’s answer, he took hold of Squirrel’s shoulder and steered the boy around and back to you.

The Monk told the boy what the result would be of this reluctance, “Would you prefer to cut it off once the knotting becomes too much?”

The boy whipped his head around. “No!”

He pushed the boy in your direction “Well then. Let her help you.”

A grumbling Squirrel went over to you, and you took him with you to the kitchen and had him sit on a chair there.

by giving a little tug at his vest and cloak, you signaled for him to take it off before it would be covered in fallen hair.

Squirrel took them off and let it drop to the floor, the Monk passed by him and picked it up to hold.

The whole room could feel how Percival’s mood had switched now.

When you began, you hadn’t thought it would be so bad as it was.

You tried not to worry about it as you encountered knot after knot and Squirrel barely held back a couple of curses.

It was a continuous change between you apologizing for it and him quietly cursing.

Lancelot had picked his battles, and letting the boy curse quietly was worth it if it meant the hair would be free of knots.

“You could use a comb too.” The boy sneered.

Lancelot arched a brow at the attitude he was faced with.

“We can all use a comb.” You corrected him. “And you could really use a fresh shirt too.”

You looked up at the Monk who tilted his head in agreement.

It didn’t feel right to let the boy wear a shirt that had not been washed in quite some time, “We could wash the one you are wearing, if we had a way to dry it quickly.”

Poor Squirrel sounded hopeful, “Really?”

So it had been bothering the boy…

The Monk gestured to the boy. “I’ll take care of it.”

You stopped combing Squirrel’s hair so the boy could take of his shirt and hand it to him. Lancelot proceeded to walk out of the room with it and you continued combing Squirrel’s hair until all the knots were gone.

Two hours. That was how long it took for you to comb Squirrel’s hair, and afterwards the boy could not stop racking his fingers through it and did mention how much lighter it felt. Without having to be encouraged, Squirrel asked you for a bucket of water to wash his hair with. So, you made him put on his vest and then went outside to the cloister, where the well was, with him. Lancelot had not only washed Squirrel’s shirt, but had also put it down on the grass to dry next to a small bonfire.

“Where’s my shirt?…” Squirrel sounded utterly confused.

Lancelot was kneeling on the grass and looked up at him, he pointed to the shirt in front of him. “It is right here.”

“That’s not…” The boy came closer and inspected the shirt that was drying, then blurted out, “It is.”

Well, it must have been quite long since he had seen his shirt in a clean state.

The Monk prevented him from putting it on right away. “Wait a while, it is still drying.”

Seeing Squirrel happy warmed your heart. “You can wash your hair in the meantime. With the sun and the fire, the shirt will be dry soon.”

You turned to the Monk, “Can you fill a bucket for him, or do you want me to do so?”

He was already standing and took one of the empty buckets to fill it at the well.

With a smile, you thanked him for it, “Thank you. I’ll go and grab a towel.”

You went inside to grab a towel that you had seen in the infirmary.

When you returned, you saw Squirrel dunk his head into the bucket of water and splash the water everywhere.

“Feys.” Lancelot jested as he came to stand beside you.

You returned it, “Do you know how many paladins I have wanted to shove into a bucket of water? Is it in the scriptures not to wash oneself?”

The feeling was mutual. Some of the paladins had never bothered to keep themselves clean, not even a little bit.

He played along. “Not in the ones I have read.”

You grinned a bit. “Ah, yes. Yours tells you to pluck every wrong hair off of your face.”

He was looking at you from the corner of his eyes, a grin matching yours, “Are you calling me vain?

By waiting a couple of seconds to answer, you hoped it got on his nerves. “Not at all.”

That had not sounded genuine.

He send you a look, detecting the jest.

The splashing of the water increased to the point where drops were falling on your boots and trousers.

You took a step away from him. “While you’re here keeping an eye out. I think I will take a moment to freshen myself up as well. I found some clothes in the dormitories, so I can finally get rid of these bloodied ones.”

“Where will you be?,” He asked, then clarified why. “So we know what room not to enter.”

You thought about it for a moment, thinking about what would be easiest. “I’ll use the infirmary, there’s enough linen and rags in there to use for it.”

The Monk gave a nod and followed it up with advice. “I brought that small mirror from the dungeon with us, it is in Goliath’s saddle bag.”

Oh? That would come in handy for inspecting your back. “Great, I’ll be needing it.”

Just before you could leave, he asked, “How is your back?”

You shifted your weight to your other leg. “It no longer burns, I think the medicine worked for the wounds there too. Now I’ll just have to hope it doesn’t scar too much.”

His eyes fell to the grass.

You quickly realized why. “I’m sorry..”

He refused to let his scars hold power over him. “It’s alright. I know.”

When you didn’t walk off to do what you had wanted to do, he was aware that you genuinely regretted reminding him of his scars.

The Monk gestured towards the infirmary. “Go on. I will make sure the boy does not drown himself in the bucket.”

A laugh fell out of you and the awkward tension between you washed away. “Alright, Good plan.”

You took one of the full buckets and headed to the horses first to collect the mirror, then the clothes from the sack, and walked to the infirmary.

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