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mostlysignssomeportents · 11 months ago

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Amazon’s financial shell game let it create an “impossible” monopoly

I'm on tour with my new, nationally bestselling novel The Bezzle! Catch me in TUCSON (Mar 9-10), then San Francisco (Mar 13), Anaheim, and more!

For the pro-monopoly crowd that absolutely dominated antitrust law from the Carter administration until 2020, Amazon presents a genuinely puzzling paradox: the company's monopoly power was never supposed to emerge, and if it did, it should have crumbled immediately.

Pro-monopoly economists embody Ely Devons's famous aphorism that "If economists wished to study the horse, they wouldn’t go and look at horses. They’d sit in their studies and say to themselves, ‘What would I do if I were a horse?’":

https://pluralistic.net/2022/10/27/economism/#what-would-i-do-if-i-were-a-horse

Rather than using the way the world actually works as their starting point for how to think about it, they build elaborate models out of abstract principles like "rational actors." The resulting mathematical models are so abstractly elegant that it's easy to forget that they're just imaginative exercises, disconnected from reality:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/03/all-models-are-wrong/#some-are-useful

These models predicted that it would be impossible for Amazon to attain monopoly power. Even if they became a monopoly – in the sense of dominating sales of various kinds of goods – the company still wouldn't get monopoly power.

For example, if Amazon tried to take over a category by selling goods below cost ("predatory pricing"), then rivals could just wait until the company got tired of losing money and put prices back up, and then those rivals could go back to competing. And if Amazon tried to keep the loss-leader going indefinitely by "cross-subsidizing" the losses with high-margin profits from some other part of its business, rivals could sell those high margin goods at a lower margin, which would lure away Amazon customers and cut the supply lines for the price war it was fighting with its discounted products.

That's what the model predicted, but it's not what happened in the real world. In the real world, Amazon was able use its access to the capital markets to embark on scorched-earth predatory pricing campaigns. When diapers.com refused to sell out to Amazon, the company casually committed $100m to selling diapers below cost. Diapers.com went bust, Amazon bought it for pennies on the dollar and shut it down:

https://www.theverge.com/2019/5/13/18563379/amazon-predatory-pricing-antitrust-law

Investors got the message: don't compete with Amazon. They can remain predatory longer than you can remain solvent.

Now, not everyone shared the antitrust establishment's confidence that Amazon couldn't create a durable monopoly with market power. In 2017, Lina Khan – then a third year law student – published "Amazon's Antitrust Paradox," a landmark paper arguing that Amazon had all the tools it needed to amass monopoly power:

https://www.yalelawjournal.org/note/amazons-antitrust-paradox

Today, Khan is chair of the FTC, and has brought a case against Amazon that builds on some of the theories from that paper. One outcome of that suit is an unprecedented look at Amazon's internal operations. But, as the Institute for Local Self-Reliance's Stacy Mitchell describes in a piece for The Atlantic, key pieces of information have been totally redacted in the court exhibits:

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/02/amazon-profits-antitrust-ftc/677580/

The most important missing datum: how much money Amazon makes from each of its lines of business. Amazon's own story is that it basically breaks even on its retail operation, and keeps the whole business afloat with profits from its AWS cloud computing division. This is an important narrative, because if it's true, then Amazon can't be forcing up retail prices, which is the crux of the FTC's case against the company.

Here's what we know for sure about Amazon's retail business. First: merchants can't live without Amazon. The majority of US households have Prime, and 90% of Prime households start their ecommerce searches on Amazon; if they find what they're looking for, they buy it and stop. Thus, merchants who don't sell on Amazon just don't sell. This is called "monopsony power" and it's a lot easier to maintain than monopoly power. For most manufacturers, a 10% overnight drop in sales is a catastrophe, so a retailer that commands even a 10% market-share can extract huge concessions from its suppliers. Amazon's share of most categories of goods is a lot higher than 10%!

What kind of monopsony power does Amazon wield? Well, for one thing, it is able to levy a huge tax on its sellers. Add up all the junk-fees Amazon charges its platform sellers and it comes out to 45-51%:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/25/greedflation/#commissar-bezos

Competitive businesses just don't have 45% margins! No one can afford to kick that much back to Amazon. What is a merchant to do? Sell on Amazon and you lose money on every sale. Don't sell on Amazon and you don't get any business.

The only answer: raise prices on Amazon. After all, Prime customers – the majority of Amazon's retail business – don't shop for competitive prices. If Amazon wants a 45% vig, you can raise your Amazon prices by a third and just about break even.

But Amazon is wise to that: they have a "most favored nation" rule that punishes suppliers who sell goods more cheaply in rival stores, or even on their own site. The punishments vary, from banishing your products to page ten million of search-results to simply kicking you off the platform. With publishers, Amazon reserves the right to lower the prices they set when listing their books, to match the lowest price on the web, and paying publishers less for each sale.

That means that suppliers who sell on Amazon (which is anyone who wants to stay in business) have to dramatically hike their prices on Amazon, and when they do, they also have to hike their prices everywhere else (no wonder Prime customers don't bother to search elsewhere for a better deal!).

Now, Amazon says this is all wrong. That 45-51% vig they claim from business customers is barely enough to break even. The company's profits – they insist – come from selling AWS cloud service. The retail operation is just a public service they provide to us with cross-subsidy from those fat AWS margins.

This is a hell of a claim. Last year, Amazon raked in $130 billion in seller fees. In other words: they booked more revenue from junk fees than Bank of America made through its whole operation. Amazon's junk fees add up to more than all of Meta's revenues:

https://s2.q4cdn.com/299287126/files/doc_financials/2023/q4/AMZN-Q4-2023-Earnings-Release.pdf

Amazon claims that none of this is profit – it's just covering their operating expenses. According to Amazon, its non-AWS units combined have a one percent profit margin.

Now, this is an eye-popping claim indeed. Amazon is a public company, which means that it has to make thorough quarterly and annual financial disclosures breaking down its profit and loss. You'd think that somewhere in those disclosures, we'd find some details.

You'd think so, but you'd be wrong. Amazon's disclosures do not break out profits and losses by segment. SEC rules actually require the company to make these per-segment disclosures:

https://scholarship.law.stjohns.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3524&context=lawreview#:~:text=If%20a%20company%20has%20more,income%20taxes%20and%20extraordinary%20items.

That rule was enacted in 1966, out of concern that companies could use cross-subsidies to fund predatory pricing and other anticompetitive practices. But over the years, the SEC just…stopped enforcing the rule. Companies have "near total managerial discretion" to lump business units together and group their profits and losses in bloated, undifferentiated balance-sheet items:

https://www.ucl.ac.uk/bartlett/public-purpose/publications/2021/dec/crouching-tiger-hidden-dragons

As Mitchell points you, it's not just Amazon that flouts this rule. We don't know how much money Google makes on Youtube, or how much Apple makes from the App Store (Apple told a federal judge that this number doesn't exist). Warren Buffett – with significant interest in hundreds of companies across dozens of markets – only breaks out seven segments of profit-and-loss for Berkshire Hathaway.

Recall that there is one category of data from the FTC's antitrust case against Amazon that has been completely redacted. One guess which category that is! Yup, the profit-and-loss for its retail operation and other lines of business.

These redactions are the judge's fault, but the real fault lies with the SEC. Amazon is a public company. In exchange for access to the capital markets, it owes the public certain disclosures, which are set out in the SEC's rulebook. The SEC lets Amazon – and other gigantic companies – get away with a degree of secrecy that should disqualify it from offering stock to the public. As Mitchell says, SEC chairman Gary Gensler should adopt "new rules that more concretely define what qualifies as a segment and remove the discretion given to executives."

Amazon is the poster-child for monopoly run amok. As Yanis Varoufakis writes in Technofeudalism, Amazon has actually become a post-capitalist enterprise. Amazon doesn't make profits (money derived from selling goods); it makes rents (money charged to people who are seeking to make a profit):

https://pluralistic.net/2023/09/28/cloudalists/#cloud-capital

Profits are the defining characteristic of a capitalist economy; rents are the defining characteristic of feudalism. Amazon looks like a bazaar where thousands of merchants offer goods for sale to the public, but look harder and you discover that all those stallholders are totally controlled by Amazon. Amazon decides what goods they can sell, how much they cost, and whether a customer ever sees them. And then Amazon takes $0.45-51 out of every dollar. Amazon's "marketplace" isn't like a flea market, it's more like the interconnected shops on Disneyland's Main Street, USA: the sign over the door might say "20th Century Music Company" or "Emporium," but they're all just one store, run by one company.

And because Amazon has so much control over its sellers, it is able to exercise power over its buyers. Amazon's search results push down the best deals on the platform and promote results from more expensive, lower-quality items whose sellers have paid a fortune for an "ad" (not really an ad, but rather the top spot in search listings):

https://pluralistic.net/2023/11/29/aethelred-the-unready/#not-one-penny-for-tribute

This is "Amazon's pricing paradox." Amazon can claim that it offers low-priced, high-quality goods on the platform, but it makes $38b/year pushing those good deals way, way down in its search results. The top result for your Amazon search averages 29% more expensive than the best deal Amazon offers. Buy something from those first four spots and you'll pay a 25% premium. On average, you need to pick the seventeenth item on the search results page to get the best deal:

https://scholarship.law.bu.edu/faculty_scholarship/3645/

For 40 years, pro-monopoly economists claimed that it would be impossible for Amazon to attain monopoly power over buyers and sellers. Today, Amazon exercises that power so thoroughly that its junk-fee revenues alone exceed the total revenues of Bank of America. Amazon's story – that these fees barely stretch to covering its costs – assumes a nearly inconceivable level of credulity in its audience. Regrettably – for the human race – there is a cohort of senior, highly respected economists who possess this degree of credulity and more.

Of course, there's an easy way to settle the argument: Amazon could just comply with SEC regs and break out its P&L for its e-commerce operation. I assure you, they're not hiding this data because they think you'll be pleasantly surprised when they do and they don't want to spoil the moment.

If you'd like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here's a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2024/03/01/managerial-discretion/#junk-fees

Image: Doc Searls (modified) https://www.flickr.com/photos/docsearls/4863121221/

CC BY 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

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cloveroctobers · 2 months ago

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one of these — 3. Alex Cross [Winter Prompts]

A/N: Where is the content for Aldis period?!!! I’ve been waiting since underground (2016) Him and Edwin will always be appreciated around here! Anyways I’m here with some fluff because it’s already winter in my mind and that’s usually what I try to write more of during this festive yet ugly cold weather. Enjoy some sweetness and foolishness? 🤍

PROMPTS ARE FROM HERE + HERE & I’m using: ACTIVITIES — Snow down the back of the neck, 1. forced to plan and execute a Christmas feast.

WARNINGS: language, stress of the holidays, & fluff.

⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆ ⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆ ⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙*̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆ ⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅*̩̩͙‧͙

A soft sigh of satisfaction falls past your lips just as you’re closing your famous pot roast into the oven to do its thing for the next few hours. Your balled fists go to your hips as you stand up straight in front of the closed oven, a small smile playing on them before it’s wiped right off.

It’s a biting cold sensation, wet and slushy as it’s drips down the back of your neck and rolls beneath the collar of your house coat. Hissing you whip your body around, hand reaching up to wipe off the remains of the snow racing to get down your spine. You’re half expecting it to be the kids who did this accidentally but the deep chuckle of laughter brings a glare to your face.

“Alex, You play too much!” You hold the back of your neck, trying to wipe it dry with the cotton of the robe.

The man is pulling off his insulated gloves, white teeth gleaming against the contrast of his pretty umber skin, “Mornin’ baby. I’d say I don’t play enough since you volunteered my services to that boiled egg head motherfucker across the street…when you know I don’t like that man.”

You huff, tugging the ends of your silk bonnet over your kitchen, double-checking to make sure none of the snow touched that area because if it did? Your fiancé just might have to be worried about getting ran over by you instead of the reindeer. “See…if you would have just asked before you gave attitude and walked off, you would have known that it was nana mama who did that, not me.”

Alex blinks with a raise of his brows, “Now why would she do that?”

“She’s friendly with the guy,” you shrug, “She’s even invited him over to the big feast later on.”

“Oh hell naw.” Alex frowns with a shake of his head, “It’s bad enough I had to listen to how cheap he is about not calling a snow company when he’s got benefits as a vet. Not only that, his lonely ass talks a lot of shit and dont nobody want to hear that in their own home.”

You scoff, “Well good luck telling nana mama that. Also you can’t just uninvite someone…especially on Christmas.”

Alex quickly titled his head, “We didn’t though and that’s nana mama’s problem.”

It was your turn to raise your brows, “It’s gonna be your problem if you don’t approach it right when you’re speaking to her.” You point the kitchen knife at the taller man who stares blankly at the utensil before you turn to place it into the sink, “Also you owe me an apology for assuming.”

Alex lets out a dramatic sigh as he stomps over to you, arms locking across your shoulders as he brought his lips to your ear, “I’m sorry for doing you like that. Yet…I’ve never seen you jump that high since that one time you thought you saw a mouse but it was nana mama’s wig.”

Your elbow goes right into his ribcage, making him groan and loosen his grip on you, followed by a cough of laughter. “You think you’re so funny but you and I both know that I lost my contacts that day. And clearly you lost your mind trying to mess with me when we’re being forced to do this feast.”

“Aw c’mon…I thought it would get a laugh outta you…and originally to get my lick back,” Alex admits with his hand resting on the side of the top of his torso while you simply roll your eyes but would later appreciate the honesty. The bearded man reaches out to you again, hands fighting to intertwine with yours as he starts to sing off key, “So shouldn't I realize, You're the highest of the high. If you don't know, then I'll say it, So don't ever wonder.”

It’s your turn to groan as Alex brings his cool lips to the warmth of your neck, placing a kiss there after trying to woo you with his terrible singing. That was one of his favorite tunes to sing to you and thankfully he hasn’t had any of that brown liquor or else this would be ten times worse.

When Alex is peppering your face with kisses, trying to sway you into his arms, your resolve breaks some despite you still trying to push him off of you. Being in his embrace was one of your favorite places to be, especially when it took time for you two to get here. Alex was big on physical touch. It all started out as nothing, meeting him at DC’s staple spot, Ben’s Chili bowl, with John before it actually turned into something. You weren’t necessarily in the streets or looking to date someone with kids, initially you were just open to keeping things casual and Alex was still healing with the tragic passing of his late wife.

It took work, the both of you had walls up but it’s been awhile since someone showed you that they were deserving of your time. Alex just loved to learn that he was running through your mind all day—his words of course—and had no issue putting the work in once he realized he was able to love again. You gave this a chance—although leery at the beginning—because you saw the good in Alex Cross. Saw his heart for what it is and finding that you liked being able to be part of it.

He shows you everyday why you should be…even if he had to get a little vengeful by putting some snow on you for something you didn’t do but that will be dealt with.

“I bought you something,” Alex says pulling his chin from on top of your bonnet and digging into his jacket pocket, “If you were wondering what was taking me longer than usual to get back…I snuck out to your spot, waited in line a little bit to get those peppermint bark cookies and those nasty ass gingerbread cookies for the kids too.”

You actually spot the smiley brown cookies, after peering around Alex’s taller frame, resting on the island counter.

A grin finds its way to your face as Alex holds out the wrapped dessert in festive paper and red ribbon to you. Christmas was always your favorite holiday and you raved about these cookies last night in bed saying that they would give you strength to do this large feast. It was all nana mama’s idea since you know, church folk like to get to talking but act like they don’t.

It’s not like the older woman ever needed to find something to talk about but she didn’t appreciate the ladies hinting that her own household couldn’t get down in the kitchen. Christmas Eve was spent at the church for a couple of hours and then Christmas Day was supposed to be a little more smoother where everyone did their own thing in their own homes but this year just had to be different.

Alex finds himself grinning too, watching the custom Pearl and oval engagement ring (which was given to you six months ago) glimmer against your finger as you plucked the cookies from his grasp. You’re making quick work unraveling the cherry and mistletoe decorated paper to take a bite of the peppermint cookies and hum.

“How is it?” Alex questions, already taking the hint at the sight of your eyes closing, “Everything it’s cracked up to be?”

Opening your eyes you nod, “Better than last years.”

“I think that’s just the baby talking,” Alex smirks as his hands go to your hips, softly running his thumbs against your sides.

You scoff, “You’re acting as if I’m deep into this pregnancy.”

You actually weren’t that far along into your second trimester. It wasn’t ideal being pregnant during your wedding so you were absolutely okay with pushing the date back to 2026, enjoying your timeline together the way it needs to be on your shared terms.

“I mean—

“Don’t start, Alex. You’re already on thin got damn ice.” You warn, pointing a finger at him.

He laughs, “Not snow?”

You’re shoving him out the way but he easily moves with you, still laughing.

He dips his head, “Can I get a bite, though?”

“Of this ass.” You flick your hand making Alex frown.

“…That’s not the insult you think it is.” He comments, hands shifting to grip your backside.

Rolling your eyes at his grinning and kissing the crumbs from the corner of your mouth, he lets you go just as you say, “John-Sam said don’t forget the smoked ham hocks for the greens.”

Alex whips his head to look at you, “Huh?”

“Yup.” You sigh, already knowing where this was going but decided to shift the conversation, “Can you take out the glazed ham nana mama made and set it aside so we can warm it back up in the oven once the roast is finished? My back’s a little achy today.”

Alex nods letting you know he’s heard that part, “Yeah of course, you should relax and let me handle everything else…but let’s run that back. I was making the black eyed peas since John deliberately left the greens yesterday and we had to settle for Kayla’s fuck ass green bean casserole.”

You can’t help but to snicker at that.

You were still shocked that John actually brought Kayla to dinner, although you figured out what was going on before John even told Alex. It just seemed like a fling to you but you honestly didn’t think Kayla was John’s type for the time that you got to know him but you minded your business.

Shrugging you say, “I don’t know. He texted saying something came up but he would still be here tonight.”

Alex is shaking his head, palms resting on the counter in annoyance, “What does that mean? If it was already made then why would I have to prepare the whole dish? Who am I, Anthony Hamilton all of a sudden? John’s the main one who claims he makes the best greens when we know that’s a lie! It’s solid but…This motherfucker right here.” He scowls.

“Okay,” you say around a bubble of laughter, “you got one more M-FER to drop before you owe some coin to the Samuel L. Jackson jar.”

Alex scoffs as you rest your hand on top of his, “It’s fine. You’ve pulled off a lot in shorter amount of time. It’s about to be eight, you can do this.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to.” Alex mumbles, “Now I got to go downstairs and get them from the deep freezer. They’re about to stink up the whole house while I clean and soak em. I wasn’t trying to get into that today. Something simple, mostly leftovers. The sisters won’t even know the difference. I should call John up right now—

“Nope,” you say, “You’re supposed to be on your best behavior.”

He side eyes you, “Says who?”

“I do. Baby does. Nana mama and the kiddies.” You reply listing off all the people he deeply loved as you step back from the counter, “…And just look it at as payback for attacking your pregnant wife to be. See how the lord works in mysterious ways? God don’t like ugly.”

Alex’s round eyes were almost buldging in annoyance as you fight back laughter, taking another bite of the cookie and chewing smugly. “The only ugly motherfucker I know is John.”

“You’re wrong for that and that’s not correct.”

“Hold up, Whatchu say?” Alex’s stepping towards you now as you laugh, escaping the kitchen.

Alex shakes his head in annoyance as he tosses his head back, staring up at the ceiling before deciding to let out some laughter but mostly in disbelief. He catches you around the corner, peeking around the fridge. He raises his brows in question at you regardless of how cute you appeared.

“I love you.”

Which almost instantly melts his irritation away, “I love you too, baby.”

“Be good.” You lightly warn, “Help yourself to a cookie.”

“…Which one’s?” He smirks after glancing away from the desserts and eyeing you up and down.

“Bye Alex!” You scoff, disappearing from his sight.

The both of you end up mirroring similar smiles on different sides of the house.

Continue with my winter anthology prompts here.

#Spotify #queued #winter prompts #winter writes #holiday prompts #cross #cross series #cross amazon #cross tv show #alex cross #Alex cross x reader #Alex cross x black!reader #aldis hodge #aldis hodge x reader

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r0semultiverse · 3 months ago

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Y’all are aware we probably have to keep it in the top 10 overall into at least the 19th right? One business day after initial intended marketed advertised release supposedly. Then we should be good unless Mark says otherwise.

#don’t count your chickens before they hatch this is amazon we need to keep up the momentum since it’s already started #despite what public platforms and Mark says that this isn’t malicious I’m not buying it I think it was intended #industries actively don’t want indie people succeeding usually and they’ll pull stunts like this easily #or I should say industry execs to be specific and CEOs probably #wouldn’t want to have to start paying a bunch of indie creators fair pay when you can underpay already known companies and brand employees #but there’s a deeper conversation to be had about that in a different day and post and I’m not well educated on it #I hope Markiplier iron lung doesn’t get stuck in production limbo please fingers crossed we make this happen #this really is exposing how scummy the film industry can be thou which is a fascinating look into how bad stuff is #anyway go watch edge of sleep legally if you can!#idk any sites to watch it otherwise atm for people region locked out who wanna talk about it to help support the show #mine #op #the edge of sleep #teos

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soft-persephone · 1 month ago

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Some Things Never Change

Alex Cross X Lil Bit!Reader x John Sampson

T // WC: 2.9k // fighting friends, vulnerability angst adjacent, whump // AN: guess what one of my favorite scenes from this show is?? I don’t talk about it a lot but, I love a scene with tension. // masterlist

“That’s why she kissed me first!” Alex chuckled but there was no joy in the sound. It was wry and twisted, falling flat in the air.

You had one hand on his chest and the other’s on John’s, standing between them and failing to keep them away from one another as they sandwiched you between them.

Alex was pointing over your head into John’s face who looked pissed off to throw a punch at Alex any second. By some miracle, he didn’t, but from the look on his face and how he didn't flinch when Alex got all up in his face over your head, your heart still raced with the sickly anticipation.

“Your ass is too emotionally unavailable,” Alex shook his head, “and your a fucking coward! You—“

“When,” John’s voice was so light and rich as honey. He even took a step back, crossing his arms with such a delighted smirk, it made both you and Alex freeze for a moment. “When did you kiss her?”

You immediately took a step back, clamping your mouth shut.

If these two wanted to kill each other, so be it. You’ll give your regards to Nana Mama, but you’re not getting caught in the middle of this, yet again.

But typical Alex, when he was mad he always knew what to say to get a rise out of John, and this supposed secret he was supposed to take to his grave. You made him swear not to tell since it happened in high school would definitely have worked on any other day, but you knew why it didn’t.

A bead of sweat dripping down your back made you shiver.

You could visibly see the wheels turning in Alex’s head.

He whipped his head towards you, and you didn’t flinch, standing your ground.

If this goes where you think it will, you will treat them just like you did those two weeks in the middle of Senior year.

Who knows how long you’ll go without talking to them this time?

As much as you’ve all grown up, some things never change.

“What’s he talking about?” Alex didn’t tear his gaze away from John as he said your name.

When you remained silent, John snapped his fingers.

“See there,” he pointed his finger as if in thought, pointing out a piece of evidence that answered the mystery of a case they were trying to solve, “that’s just it. I know how to keep a secret. I don’t throw that shit in people’s faces just to win an argument.”

Alex nostrils flared, but he remained silent, still grasping for pieces of the puzzle he didn’t have.

“Why don’t you tell him the truth,” John said your name lightly as if there wasn’t any tension in the room, “Alex already let his cat out the bag.”

Again, you stayed silent.

But this time. . . this time John gave you a look.

A look Alex had never seen John give you before.

A look he’s only given you in private. A look that bends you to his will. That he can mold you like a spineless putty with.

You glare at him.

Because why is he doing this? Why now? Just because of an argument.

This is not the first time they’ve argued. Why blow up the delicate balance of their friendship over nothing.

You squeezed your fists tight, and remained quiet.

John took a step towards you.

You wanted to be strong so bad. To silently prove that you wouldn’t be swayed by either one of them, again. That this time around would be different.

But you flinch when he moves, your mouth opening with stuttering words in your urgency, “j-j, just just wait— he, I. . . Fuck,” you swore with a crack in your voice.

“Breathe in,” John said lowly, and as if he held some hidden divine power, you did, you took a shaky breath in, “breath out.” He continued, “take big deep breaths. Just like that.”

A large warm hand snaked up your neck to rest at the base of your skull. You opened your eyes to meet John’s. He massaged your temple with his thumb as you did. There was no malice in his eyes, nothing cruel. He was genuinely attempting to comfort you.

Without words you understood.

He wanted to be honest.

He didn’t want any more secrets.

You licked your lips and shook your head, knowing he could see the anxiety flashing through your eyes. The worriness in your gaze.

Could Alex handle the truth? Will he hate you?

John chuckled short and somehow amused.

“We were just. . .kids.” He says plainly.

Alex bristles. “When.” He says it firmly, crossing his arms.

You lick your lips, fighting how tight your throat feels, but John has his hand on your head , soothing you with the pas of his fingers in your face.

You plant your feet firmly on the ground when he tries to pull you into an embrace, doing your best to discreetly reject his attempt to hug you even though you wanted it more than anything.

But you were still mad at him, at them both for putting you in this position.

Fuck them for doing this to you, and fuck John and his integrity.

“When was yours?” John says flippantly.

“Junior year. August.”

“The beginning of the year?”

“It was definitely October because It was cold and some guy had just given me his jacket” You quickly interrupted.

“I know that.” Alex bounced on the heels of his feet before leaning forward, “I just want to know. Why you gotta make sure it’s not August and why you have to go out of your way not bruise some motherfucker’s ego over some supposedly just kids shit.”

“And she’ll tell you, if you shut up and listen, nigga.”

“So when did you two first kiss?” Alex looked to the side.

Oh. . .

“Uhm. . . We didn’t kiss until I was in college.” Your voice dropped off in a whisper.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Alex clipped.

“We didn’t kiss until college, motherfucker.”

“It was the summer before.” You were over this shit. God, please let it end. “Me and John.”

“You and John what?” Alex wiped a hand down his face, “because I know yall didn’t fuck.”

Too close.

You all were entirely too close.

Is this how normal friendships were?

Do all girls have close guy friends who knew exactly when and who they lost their virginity with?

You needed more girl friends.

That’s what you want for Christmas. That’s your new year's resolution.

More close girl friends.

“You got to kiss her first, so what?” John smirked, but just barely because lord knows if he did, it would put Alex back on 100.

“I got to taste her pussy first.” John’s face lit up into something evil, “yeah, say something now. All that talk. . . You wanna get loud and all. Say something now.”

“When,” Alex went completely still.

“That night you snuck to see that girl Ashley.” John dipped his head, searching Alex’s eyes. “I had to cover for you in your room all night, so Nana Mama wouldn’t know you weren’t there.”

Alex's eyes widened.

“She couldn’t sleep, came up to meet me in your room to just hang out and we got real, real close.” John huffed through his nose, letting out a soft crooked laugh, “next thing you know she’s on top of me. My fingers buried deep inside her, and she’s hiding her moans in my neck, and I’m whispering in her ear to keep quiet as she can or I’ll stop—because Nana Mama can’t catch us and we need to be able to hear you crawl up the side the house, so we can stop in time before you see us in the window”

Alex turns to you to verify but you stay silent.

“So it’s always been John.”

You couldn’t bring yourself to speak. You wanted to, oh so bad, but something held you back.

But deep down. . . . If you let the thoughts overwhelm you, the warring undefinable emotions twist your stomach in knots and punish you as you simmer in the truth you’d never say aloud, you’d admit it.

You’d admit it was you.

“You two fuck once and just never stopped?

You held your own tongue. You wouldn’t dare say anything to him at this moment. Not to agitate him, not to comfort him.

Not because you couldn’t, but because you wouldn’t.

Because that would make it real.

All the feelings inside that you try to keep away. The ones you’ve practice hiding in mirrors.

The words you’ve trained yourself not to mutter in your sleep or pass through drunken lips.

“There it is.” Alex smiled. But not crookedly, not twisted or gnarled with ill intent.

It was desperate, it was hurting and it wanted to hurt.

It wanted to hurt you.

“You’ll say anything to sooth’ John’s fragile ego, but you’ll never willingly do that for me. Who cares if little Alex gets his feelings hurt. He knows how to pick himself back up.”

You flinch at his words.

The tears in your eyes sting.

“I never said that.” You blink them away.

Suddenly, you were hyper aware of John’s closeness. You brush his hand from your head, you step away from him. His touch burning your skin, his presence becoming suffocating.

The shame was hot and unbearable.

“Ohhh, you think you needed to say something for that to be true.”

“Sugar, don’t .” John warned, but his words held no weight and shook with uncertainty.

His stance shifted from argumentative to one of worry.

Alex was clearly just hurt now and neither of them had wanted that from this. Because despite the ill feelings that seemed so important at the time, John will always put concern for Alex and his well being above all else.

That’s just the type of man he was and seeing that acted out made your heart ache with emotion you’ve tried so hard to bury.

Emotions you thought were long dead, but never seemed content to die.

“Nah,” Alex shook his head, “nah, because she needs to hear this John, and so do you.” He quickly added.

John tilted his head, but didn’t comment on it.

“Take a seat and we can—“

“Some asshole breaks your heart and who do you call?”

You lick your lips and purse them.

“Hm? Who. Do. You. call?”

He spread his hands outward to the room.

“And to your surprise, I showed up, but you weren’t expecting me. . . I wasn’t supposed to be here.”

And he wasn’t.

“Because you two fucked once at 17, and decided not to stop.”

“Don’t.” You glared.

“Don’t what,” he shrugged, the action too forceful as he emphasized his point. His erratic offbeat anger makes you pause. Your rage fell uncertain and started to slip down your throat, but you grasped back at it, tightly clinging onto it as the only security you had at this moment. “Don’t make you aware of those feelings you keep trying to bury.”

“Cool it, Sugar.” John growled, “maybe you and I should take a walk outside. Leave Lil Bit out of it.”

“But you need to hear this too John.” Alex said again and pointed.

“When she gets in trouble, who does she call?” He looked at you and then turned towards John who went quiet, his expression growing unreadable.

“When she wants company, who’s she running to? When she has a bad day?” Alex started to list on his fingers, “when she wants to talk, to discuss her hopes, dreams, confide in someone and be vulnerable with them—“

“Alex, stop.” You almost sob.

“You see, most people don’t know, but if they do know they put it deep inside of themselves and ignore it, but there is an intimacy shared with sex whether people acknowledge it or not.”

He gestured between the two of you.

“Now I’m sure, Lil Bit never told you this John, but when she asked me to kiss her, I mean. . . It was so nice and sweet and she had a hint of tears in her eyes, but she wouldn’t let them fall. Her lip practically quivered.” He shook his head.

“I can’t imagine how long it took her to ask. How brave she had to be. . . I couldn’t say no to that, John. I just couldn’t.”

John’s face grew more and more unreadable to you. The more you couldn’t tell what he was feeling, what he might be thinking, the tighter your throat felt, the clammier your hands started to feel, and the more your head started swimming with thoughts faster than you could comprehend.

“Stop,” you barely bring yourself to say, “Alex stop. Please.”

“She told me she was afraid she’d never know what it’s like to kiss someone who really meant it. That if she did, it wouldn’t be gentle, loving, or caring. . . said she wanted it to matter, and she thinks I could make it matter. . .

He gives John a shrew look. “That was after what happened with you and Lil Bit”

John looked so far away, but purely focused on Alex’s words.

“Now you see, penetrative sex or not, there was an intimacy shared.” Alex pointed at John again who immediately rose with a glare to match, ready to make a move, “you were always afraid of it’s it always makes you run away. . . but when you take a young teenage girl who doesn’t know what to do with that rejection. Who’s always had both parents to love and validate her emotions whether verbally or implied, she. Gets. Sacred. . . Overwhelmed.” He spat in John’s face who only lowered his face into Alex’s, but he didn't back down.

“She turns it inward and blames herself, but if she realizes it’s not her fault. She turns it outward. She looks for that validation in other people. . . She looked towards me for everything you couldn’t give her.

“You had Maria.” Your voice was loud, louder than you anticipated, shaking with an anger you didn’t necessarily feel, but he was pulling it out of you.

By some miracle, your words stopped John from acting. Wordlessly, he moved back to your side.

Alex was creating some type of sick test and you were failing.

“You wanted to marry her since the day you met her and That means our relationship had to change!”

“That didn’t mean you needed to walk out of my life—“

“I didn’t walk out of your fucking life! I’ve always been here! Always!”

“With John! You’ve always been here!” He pointed down, “with John!”

You fumed, unable to find anymore words. Alex clearly wanted to believe whatever he wanted to believe and not the truth.

“I’m not talking about Maria, I'm talking about before her and after her! I'm talking about while you were with Marcus!”

“We don’t see each other when she’s in a relationship.” John interjected in a low voice. His arms crossed.

“Oh so you haven’t told him. Wooooow.” Alex clapped slowly, “he doesn’t know.”

“Told me what?” You could hear him attempting to hide the frustration and dismay in his voice, waiting for you to deflect, defend, say your piece, but you only balled your fists, the skin of your bottom lip almost burst and trickled with blood from how tight you worried it underneath your teeth.

“Tell me what, Lil Bit.” John urged

“I tried so hard.” You sniffed, hating your tears, “don’t talk to John so much, stop talking about John so much, hang out with John less, don’t do this about John don’t do that.” You sighed, wiping your face with both of your hands.

“I did it all. I practically cut John off, and it wasn’t good enough. . . “Then I started to have these sick thoughts.” You shook your head with a wry smile at no one in particular. “If I’d fuck Alex that’s really hurt him. Because in his mind it could only be John. Not your newly widowed and vulnerable friend. It could possibly be him.”

“Why didn’t you say anything,” John’s shoulders fell, “I could have talked to him.”

“There’s nothing you could have said. That only would have made it worse a-a and- and when he threw that in my face, I figure’d why the fuck not,” you threw up your hands, “you give a man everything and he still accuses you of sleeping with your best friend.”

“Is that why you called me over here?” John reached towards you, but you moved away, taking a seat on the couch.

Not now. Just . . . not now.

He didn’t touch you but moved to take a seat next to you.

“Even if Alex wasn’t here, I wouldn’t do that,” he tentatively looked at Alex before turning his attention back to you.

“You need to talk to Marcus tomorrow and sort this out. Proving him right is only going to make things worse. End things with him if you must, but don’t blow it up because of his own insecurity.” He slowly put a hand on your leg. “You’re braver than that. You’ve always been braver than both of us.” He chuckled, despite himself.

Alex had moved to the opposite side in front of you but refused to sit in the matching loveseat, staring you both down with a pensive expression.

“You were the first one to jump into that creak when we went on that trip one summer” He interrupted from above.

“You were the first one to sneak out when Nana Mama was asleep. . . Me and Alex never would have even dared to do it until you did,” John continued. Lost in your thoughts, you don’t see the shared grin between them both.

“First one to get a whooping for it too.” Alex laughed and it made you laugh too. John’s loud boisterous tone fell in soon after.

Fuck them.

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