#ANYTHING W THAT WILL DO IDC AT THIS POINT
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Does anyone have a The Passenger fic rec where Benson just keeps Randy in his basement, thank you
#ANYTHING W THAT WILL DO IDC AT THIS POINT#yall I'm desperate this is all I've thought abt this week#Randy being chained to a sewer pipe from his ankles and Benson having to bring him food and all the basic essentials#Randy sleeping on a dirty old mattress in the corner#Benson never letting Randy out so theres a pee bucke-*GUNSHOT*#the passenger#benson the passenger#randy bradley
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looking back at the yjh webtoon screencaps i have saved and giggling... hes so cute... moe... my pookie ^___^ 🥰🥰 poor little meow meow woof woo- *eliminated where i stand*
also these poses are sooooo... 꺄아악🖤🫣🫣🫣🫣
#talk tag#orv liveblog#<--gonna just tag my orv misc posts as this now#i looooove when the webtoon artist draws him like a demonic beast#its genuinely so moe to me smdbsndn like hes supposed to be rly handsome but theyre not afraid to make him look unhinged#i rmbr livetweeting that yjh hibernation pic captioned 'hes so moe'... apparently that was 2022(just dug it up)#more than 1 person has told me that theyre surprised i bias yjh from the webtoon alone#bc apparently they dont do his chara justice(v 😔😔😔 to hear that...thats not good..)#BUT HOW COULD I NOT BIAS HIM!!!! (apparently this is not a universal experience aldjskdj)#this just makes me even more uncontrollably excited to read the novel i cant wait to love him more than i alr do#and i love when he glares and makes a disgusted face at kdj... its so cute 🤭 he's like an angry black dog to me. hes like a wolf puppy#*tries to pat his head and gets cut down in .00001 sec... no he wouldnt waste his sword on me... i would simply perish from being in the#the presence of his aura#literally the tsundere ever#aside from hiei... hiei rly primed me to like male tsunderes guys#like after him i have loved sm tsundere male charas since#yjh is in a league of his own tho. like idc how many similar/near identical charas have come before or since#he OWNS the yjh archetype literally everyone else is just copying him <33#even if it was a choice btwn yjh and cedric id have to go w yjh... he is the original im sorry... i love u cedric#and i love that the whole point is that his design/chara archetype ISNT supposed to be original... thats the Point#he's the typical op dark haired stoic cold brooding (and sexy) protagonist...#his chara concept is supposed to be that trope... but what orv does w him is so subversive#and the fact that he is supplanted from his position as the protag in the narrative... i love it sooo much#like maybe i wouldnt care as much if he actually was the protag? bc again it wouldnt rly be new#but the fact that he isnt the actual protag is sooo good#IM NOT RLY SAYING OR ANALYZING ANYTHING RN BUT I JUST FELT LIKE YJH LOVEPOSTING#o sidenote his webtoon faces make great rxn images slfnsmd I LOVE USING THE FIRST ONE#i love using heartwrenching anime/comic moments out of context as rxn images its so funny to me#me @ the orv live action cast announcement
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I’ll never forget how once my ex joked I “live under a rock” and when I asked how he showed me a Snapchat reel of “hot celebrity gossip,” after which he pointed out I don’t keep up with any of it. I really dated that that’s so embarrassing
#If anything I’m trying to get AWAY from that#I don’t dislike keeping up w pop culture but at this point id rather be reading a book watching documentaries learning something new#Idc if it sounds pretentious bc it’s true#I don’t like using the term “low vibrational” bc i don’t have to be spiritual not to consume what’s essentially brain trash#Do I judge people for being too invested NO you do you. But beyond very popular pop culture headline I really would rather be out of the#Loop#id just rather be consuming healthy brain food#And it amazes me how he full chest thought that keeping up w vain stuff like that is him being in the loop. Never again <3
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BTAS Batman feels like a normal human who's really trained and skilled and manages to pull off amazing feats
Comics Batman just feels like a superpowered human
#my dc posting#btas#batman#the moment 2 big guys with weapons stop being actual threats is the moment he's no longer realistically human to me#like it doesn't matter how skilled or trained you are. a guy w a weapon is always a threat!!#yes it's fiction this isn't an actual complaint#but the point is when BTAS batman succeeds and does something impressive i go wow! amazing! just a regular human w lots of training#doing cool fucking shit!#but when i see any otherbatman do anything ever i just go -_- bc he's not actually limited in any way or grounded in real human capabilitie#this is why i enjoy the action of BTAS so much bc it actually makes me ROOT for the hero#bc he CAN fail and get captured and all that and it doesn't feel unrealistic and when he gets out of it i actually feel#excited abt it yknow??#is it a crime to wanna watch something that actually manages to make you root for the hero instead of just sitting there like this -_- cus#y'know he's gonna succeed anyway and whatever Amazing Super Cool Shit he pulls off doesn't actually feel all that#...kinda reminds me of doctor who when it's done right#like idc how much i get told abt Wow he's just a non-powered human pulling off all these amazing things! he's just so strong and smart!#when there's nothing abt him that makes me actually believe these are normal non-powered human things#like i'm not gonna cheer when a superpowered guy can fly. they have superpowers. and batman FEELS like that no matter what i'm told by word#idk honestly i'm just complaining at this point. but i like doing that especially abt something so low-stakes as this so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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Before I went to bed I saw the Youtube notif that TADC was going to Netflix and it INVADED my dreams so vividly I have not had such an episodic sequential serialized cohesive dream in months it was literally its own chapter its own short story
#I was Pomni it was literally Pomni POV#Caine had cooked up some sporty adventure and I was like Ummm...... no#So I found a glitch where I could hide in a technically out-of-bounds area#I had a theory that if I stayed super close to the ground I wouldn't be in the range of Caine's mod powers or whatever#Some random girl was w me I don't think she was important#Anyways I started thinking “This could hurt. When they leave#the map will not have to exist.”#I'd be crushed by the nonexistence of the area I'm in. When they come back I'll load in somewhere slightly different#and be stuck in the walls."#DIDN'T HAPPEN everything was OK#But at some point I was like man... sure is boring and scary. Sure wish my friends were here.#So I ended up finding them anyway LMAO#I told them what happened cuz they were obviously concerned and Caine got his feelings hurt???#Like. surprising moment of clarity. Everyone was shocked and uncomfortable.#Bro was like “I try so hard for U guys 🥺 I just don't get it. Why didn't you just tell me you wanted to stay home??”#Most everyone was like IDC UR OUR JAILER!! CRY ABT IT!! but me and Ragatha were coerced into pity...#Like yeah whatever. Sorry man. I'll be honest next time and not do things that could make me die. I think we were just caught off-guard.#Exchanging glances like “Wow... didn't know he could feel anything!” Like imagine if ur Furby just had an emotional outburst#and felt remorse abt it. WYD.#I think we held his hands or sum cuz all my dreams end like a Barbie movie#Episode ended and I was like Wow :) Great show#Sorta off-topic but the cafeteria today started playing very quiet carnival music for Hoco and I literally felt chills up my back cuz#I had been thinking abt Pommy all day...#I used to be enraptured by clown motif what happened#Did I throw it up#For the best...... for the best.
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j need to get back into life drawing post haste
#i think im losing . construction in my art#im forgetting how to draw bodies think. idk#literlaly so annoying . its like fun when u get the hang of things but then u neglect one aspect in pursuit of another#and then have to go back and touch up that old skill to try and balance jt and theres that brief period where#eveyrthing is harmonious and then it outpaces itself again and becomes ths juggling act#overall i enjoy it . the drawing sessions but smtimes finding the will 2 get out of bed is like pulling teeth#bc i know im never going 2 walk out of there feeling satisfied but . actually idc#a lot of my pals . my friends there r a couple of decades older than me and they have the best advice tbh#randy. and donna . randy and donna and third guy whose name i forget . -> if u r satisfied at the end of a session did u rly learn anything#always want 2 improve . right right#UARHGHQHHH ill do it ill go . im scared bc i feel like it tends to artblock me#bc i start getting in my head ab what i know/see vs what i can only draw#but im sooo addicted 2 wanting to get better . i want to draw like a million people i see on here who have that great construction and#weight and anatomy and dynamism . i want to be like u . ill work to be like u ill try#and i feel like ive negelcted my basics for soo long .. i need to get ths foam shapes and a lamp . NOWWWW#yotasuke#i miss yotasuke so much.damn. thats crazy . anyways#the way he points out that yatoras dedication/hard work is a talent . like ueah . i agree w him im envious of that r u kidding me#and ytora walkimg arnd like oh u have it so easy ytsk. he needs to shut the hell up smtimes#i meed to see them eviscerate each other blood and all.#spongebob icecream truck- not that yatoras hard work isnt Also a skill but ykwim . if youve read YKWIMM#bc he was always like woe is me im soo untalented and its like no bro u r you just manifest it differently . that natural drive is a talent#but that natural drive also takes skill to foster and nurture else it has no purpose .#no i cant be blp posting in the tags bye
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you know how betraying it feels to just be vibing and somebody says some weird shit now you feel like you dont need to be here.
#cliffnotes/.txt#like sorry i dont hang w/ white ppl often bc whenever i do at some point somebody says some very out of pocket shit#and now i gotta figure out whether i wanna say smthn ans risk a falling out or be quiet#bc ill be real: idc how safe someone feels. you'd be surprised how many ppl will turn around and show you why you shouldnt trust them#at least not in terms of anything sensitive.#the craziest part is they never realize it either.#but itll be so obvious to anyone else
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back on that owl house daemon au editing grind (ive been busy + writing other stuff so after editing one i sorta. stopped for a month or two lol) and. oh god i knew 2 was gonna be bad but its BAD yall. like not content-wise a lot of the actual writing + plot is totally fine and will stay but. i wrote this before i got into my grove of episode, inbetween, episode (ie 1 -> 1.5 -> 2) SO. THAT MEANS. THIS ENTIRE 30K THING IS GETTING SPLIT INTO 1.5 AND 2.....
and obvi i'll have to write a LOT bc the parts going into 1.5 and 2 are spread across the entire fic :) so uh. um. this is gonna be fun.
#chatter#and a grove of palistrom to you#lol once im done w arc one its gonna be smooth sailing#BUT THATS ASSUMING I SURVIVE ARC ONE--#anyways if you ever have wanted to ask about this au cause it'll be coming out within a month or two#i am sooooo down to procrastinate <3#at this point it doesnt even have to be about the story idc i'll talk about my writing process. anything#i dont...want...to do this....#two you are going to be the DEATH OF ME#also 2 is the worst of arc one cause the rest needs edits for luz/mari consistency for sure#BUT NOT I HAVE TO WRITE TWO NEW STORIES LOL#like 3.5 doesnt exist but i know what it has to be. oh and i guess 5 needs a bunch of stuff added but.#adding is way easier than having to chop up what exists and figure out what can stay#what is dropped#and all the new stuff i have to write to connect things#I LOVE THIS AU. I TRULY DO. BUT GOD EDITING IS SO ROUGH#this is why the last 500k+ word fic i wrote is never getting posted lol#i could Not edit all of that. only for you owl house daemon au
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i do acknowledge i need to watch what i say wrt gender women men cis ppl etc just augh.
#its like. im a trans man 100% i want nothing to do w being seen as a women i acknowledge that. i also acknowledge that I am putting#literally zero effort in my irl life to present as a guy at all. partially lack of resources and embarrassment etc stuff like that partiall#the autism i literally look in a mirror and see a guy#and i go to class go to work and until soemone explicitally refers to me as a woman i think of myself as a guy. so like its this weird#disconnect of what i actually do vs what i percieve as expieriencing in my daily life where i am objectively living#as a cis woman who just dresses and acts a bit masc. lol.#and like that doesnt bother me atm until i get to a setting where i am gendered frequently. then i feel nauseas etc but whatever ill deal#so i always hesitate whenever i talk abt women feminism men makeup beauty expectations etc (also i am mixed thai and white which#def plays into everyhting ofc ofc) as i dont know rly what is like. not fine idc if i say smthn uncouth just i dont want to at all#seem like im doing what these other trans guys do and latch onto my femininity and 'girlhood growing up' etc or like#its all dumb to me ofc im a feminist i consider anything i speak abt feminism free the nipple being against gender essiantialism etc etc#as in feminism (not that women arent/cant be femnists just in terms of im not trying to sound like a woman) and#ofc growing up as and my current life experiences have obvi had a large impact on myself how i veiw the world my political beliefs and all.#but like. im always scared it sounds like im idr the phrase someone else used but a i dont want to seem like im latching onto girlhood as#a failsafe or whatever. its just mm ykwim its a weird feeling. cause like im a 21 year old man and read my posts as such el oh el.#idk its all weird and idk if its a specific to me thing or whattttt it just like. i feel silly sometimes and i dont want my points to be#misconstrued :) anyways me posting this after rewatching and posting abt pearl has nothign to do genuinly lmfao just timing its been#on my mind after that dumbass trans guy posting abt the lonelyness he feels abt abandoning womanhood#after watching barbie. lol and then i saw someone in the comments of some ig quote it w like 30 replies all positive like get a lifeee#i understand it can feel isolating being trans and everyones relationship back to womanhood is diff and complecated but by god. shut up#anywayyyyyssss mmm okay im done whateverr#maybe all a fear in my head and literally none of this has every crossed anyones mind however it bothers me :(
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anyways moving back in w my parents has drastically negatively affected my mental health in ways I didn’t know it could be and it’s been like 8 months and im rly nearing a breaking point it’s no longer funny
#blah blah privlege whatever idc I’m very frustrated w my situation rn bc Im STUCK and can’t DO anything even tho I thought that feeling#would end as an adult but no I just move back home and immediately feel like a kid again in every negative aspect#and the layout of my parents house and the fact that they both work from home means I have literally almost no privacy to the point where I#have fucked up my sleep schedule to be opposite of theirs sometimes so I can be awake when no one else is w out concern that they’re there#like fr It’s fraying st my nerves being woken up by my step dads voice yelling every fucking morning because I can also HEAR everything#bc this house has terrible fucking insulation!!! and even if I can’t see my parents I can hear them talking and moving around#it makes me paranoid#GOD this was a rant and I’m def mentioning it to my therapist ykbow#ANYWAYS#sometimes I wish I could move in w my sister but that would still cause problems just in a different font
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Was about to go “Hm I should make proper family headcanons for my PMD canon partners” But remembered that two of them have established history in canon already and the third is my Shinx partner who I default to “They were part of the Luxio Tribe” for. So really Chip is the only one I can just make up a family for djfjfjfng
#tbh tho explorers partner just always gave me the vibe that they are not in contact with their parents#idk why theres not exactly w ton of evidence towards that but its what ive stuck to#even when vulpix was my assigned canon partner i still put her on bad terms with her family and still gave her conflicting feelings at home#anyways. chip just lives back home with his mom and brothers#his dad is off being a famous explorer and not acknowledging that he has kids anymore. sorry chip#… why is it that despite being the youngest child that i keep giving eldest child syndrome to my characters#echoed voice#pmd posting#i dont know if ill properly design elliotts parents but obviously they were a samurott and a swoobat#dont have anything in mind for them except for maybe a postgame idea where xey meet one of them finally?#and theyve maybe improved as a person and now that their kid is an adult they want to have some kind of relationship#and elliott. gives them a chance because xey dont want to hold grudges or anything but xey don’t acknowledge them as a parent#at best they just become a shopkeeper at paradise. emolga and virizion are the ones who hold the grudge#maybe eris too but hes also just tired at that point and acknowledges that its an attempt to be better#so hes definitely more civil#psmd partner. could have had bio parents that abandoned them ig bc reincarnation but i always imagined they just spawned into existence#like already hatched and curled in the scarves#and she has carracosta so idc much abt bio parents. the important bit is that he is pops#maybe if i decide to go with a totally different team for explorers ill do something different but idk djfjfjf#im half tempted to use the new starter rom i downloaded and use sprigatito and popplio tbh djdjfjfjfjf#but i also like playing it physically on my 3ds#and idk how to put romhacks on a physicsl cartridge#physical
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maybe i am biased but not nie/yao “disguising fear as respect for years until you have a way out” but nie/yao “trying to curry favor to your terrified wits end until it rots into hatred”
anyways jgy holding nmj’s severed head can be so personal
#this is in reference to a very good piece i saw from the nighthaunt zine 👁#but yeah if i think abt ny for too long i go a bit insane#and nmj sealed his fate when he locked jgy down the stairs but he was already dead#and then my/jgy was done in nmj’s eyes from the killing of the jin soldier#and frankly maybe i’m biased but at this point idc#i think my/jgy trying to win back nmj’s favor vs. nmj’s very staunch judgement/personal justice system#is so fun#bc. if it hasn’t been evident. i’ve been toiling with nmj lately#bc i have simultaneously been getting frustrated w/ readings of him but i am no where near an ‘apologist’#bc frankly i could care less abt whether nmj was right or wrong#like i do not agree as a person w/ his actions but i also! do not care!#my own moral judgement doesn’t mean anything to me#what matters to me is 1) i love nmj#and 2) that nmj wasn’t just doing all of that bc like. idk he’s inherently malicious#it is that he has a very black and white/with me or against me way of justice#and it is that by which he views the world and governs himself#and if he deems u unjust then. well! that’s it!#PLUS the added thing that like. he cared for my and a huge reason /why/ he was so up in arms#after the killing of the jin soldier#is /because/ he considered himself incredibly close with my and that he was someone who could be trusted#and i think a lot abt nmj’s unfairness towards jgy#vs. the debt he believed he owed jgy post-sunshot (ie joining the brotherhood)#vs. wwx’s observation in empathy that for a time nieyao /seemed/ to get better#i want to shake jgy like a piggybank and find out if he was /always/ terrified of nmj after sunshot or if it ebbed and flowed#bc from nmj’s pov it does almost look like it’s gonna change before it reverts right back :)#and don’t even get me started on the song of clarity bc like.#was it just to finally get nmj out of jgy’s personal way. was it to get nmj out of the jin’s way. was it both!#i’ve been reading it as both lately not only bc it makes sense to me imo#but also bc jgy is the person who /would/ have both the personal amd ‘logistical’ reason to kill his da-ge#aka if nmj is out of the way than jgs will be pleased and jgy will be doing his duty making sure his father is pleased :)
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being alive at the time i gleaned some general elements abt encanto but never actually heard we don't talk about bruno beyond awareness it existed popping off & i think i heard like the title recited off key off rhythm but in a way that indicates speak singing nonetheless lol so upon experiencing it it's like oh but it's the Verses? while the last refrain goes harder but prior to that it's comparatively underwhelming to said verses which feels appropriate like verses / pieces of a larger picture & that a "we don't talk about him" as a disappointing Lid on infinitely richer more characterful & dynamic "but: talking about him" instances. like well personally it'd be like um seven foot frame....anyway besides being able to firsthand go like oh damn Real (the kind of thing you know exists if alive at the time) it's like alright hang on lol. one thing when a core theme is yeah like "is it a refuge if 'especial' vulnerability ultimately gets pushed out rather than made safer" subset like the parties whose even observation of truths (problems) & drawing attention to them is seen as Ruining Things, like if you're painted as Making futures that aren't simply what's desired or reassuring rather than a guidance via just observing & sharing the truth. but then it's like whaddaya mean living in fear of bruno stuttering and stumbling you could always hear him sort of muttering and mumbling lmao like now that's just Association between the Truth Perceiving & Telling behavior & behavior that's just apparently distinctive of the same person. & like Not Accidentally when [what if people were magic] specifics are obviously primarily abt a metaphorical meaning & like, indeed it was made clear like oh this situation isn't Just b/c [boo we hate your prophecies] & that [an Ability that isn't directed towards what anyone Wants / is "weird" even by these magic standards] isn't Coincidentally given to someone who just so happens to already be "weird" in other ways & be set up to have a different perspective & be pushed away due to having the supposed "extra" vulnerability of unmet needs / insufficient support, same as someone who doesn't "correctly" have any kind of magic ability....like yeah banger and also like Oh Yeah Kind Of Devastating re: that metaphorical resonance allowing for like [set the metaphor aside] now hang on with this about this disabled family member lol. misinterpretation to The Ruinerrr / The Problemmm / The Maliciousss etc (i.e. the scapegoatinggg) despite their efforts likely entirely to the contrary. then despite like, efforts aside, Just Existing, always kind of muttering & mumbling like & what of it. & then like oh sorry weird pets. weird [auspicious for adaptable tenacious thriving surviving; either way simply creatures, existing] pets.
truly like As Is The Idea I'm Sure quickly becomes like hands behind back standing at the window Uh Oh Sisters musing on all the [disabled person] metaphorical & already literal elements there. blair witching it in contemplation like We've All Been There whether being so resented for the mere disruption of "existing in a group as the 'abnormal' odd one out" or like people talking shit abt anything associated w/you as soon as you've left the room, which is also made relevant like, this wasn't Only directed at this person when seemingly permanently gone, nor were they unaware / unaffected prior....pacing in the Musing parlor like things don't Have to be compared to billions but i only ever even see so many things & it's like billions sure is like "get scapegoated rword" & then said scapegoating is presented as only beneficial & we hate autists & even beyond that it's like, grabbing billions, Imagine If Things Meant To Be About Something Were About Something. quite a contrast when they are & furthermore like, deliberate thought & Care for [who gets scapegoated & why] & the truth of like, people getting pushed aside & out who have a key perspective & are primed / liable to come through for others similarly vulnerable & the supposedly Ruinous, Problems Generating disruptiveness is actually the strongest effort to make essential changes to a group. & come through with like, it'd be undermining thee point if it was "reassuring" us like oh haha people will be supportive b/c bruno will be more normal, so great that it Didn't like no, no Normality Reassurance(tm), presence of abnormalities(tm), Good, & everyone Can Deal b/c if you don't then it's pushing this person away, is exactly what happens, including even if they're still Around but are being mistreated b/c that is entirely part of that pushing away like anyone's victim blaming is ready to pounce at any time but if someone can't stand to stay / leaves b/c they can't see another option like that's not out of nowhere nor Regardless of what full support & flexibility they were getting lol. these Active Measures everyone loves so much, which are everywhere always & would include Staying & Trying To Make It Work & those efforts would be "disruptive" & resented & Bringing It On Oneself & etccc smh
that is to all say like. Woww when clearly basically the core thread was these beats of like, the crucial site of [thee scapegoated], & why that comes down on someone & how that plays out. endless ideas about how someone weird(tm) & disabled (&/or queer. but there's no Or here lol. & again like it's a Context like, to even be the one person without kids? likely not living up to "full" correct sexuality in that way alone; any oppression's logics of "inferiority" being logics of ableism, ready examples being that "inferior" race, gender, sexuality (& their experiences as people classed as inferior) all being pathologized as disordered) are seen & treated as someone Ruining Things & who cannot belong like whew. bracing. winding. which, i also recall like i was watching with headphones & during this one dialogue pause i was like "?? what's this Extra Sound i heard there" & had to go over it like twice before being hit upside the head like well it Was still the dialogue pause but it was also bruno Stuttering in a very quiet whisper for the duration of that pause before continuing like iiiiiiii x_x
#[sitting waiting right here] for billions to have its vulnerable weird scapegoated misfit outcasts actually band together lmao....#like Sure Doesn't b/c billions is like we all hate weirdos & we all love telling them to shut tf up & go away to die or w/e. correctly#can't believe ultimately the Different fund disappears w/o its scapegoat & the Correct ''weird'' char is full axe cap mode finally#& it's sure not a Comment when billions affectionately gives them their free heavenly reward & Ensure zero scapegoating consequences#the [imagine if something about something was about something] approach to Banished Relatives being thoughtful & loving like#& here you see how even As they're banished everything isn't Really fixed for it incl. that people aren't Really just happy he's gone#billions is like no we killed him And everyone has gladly & legitimately forgotten he exists (save the instant it's time to use him)#the hilarious(tm) tragedies surrounding rian like billions' can't make her ''care'' abt winston be anything save more violence#can't pretend rian was anything more than [again we all Know your nads like w/taylor like w/winston] bagina + dialogue source combo in s6#when it's still dimly relevant for prince in s7 but you miss Nothing re: rian if you have no idea that plotline exists#& speaking of actual ''weirdness'' rian was never allowed to have: the tragedy of the tension of Closeted Transness present on screen fr#just as billions has no idea / further willingness to let rian be so ''weird'' as to actually care abt winston or abt not being a bully Lol#meanwhile i figured like oh i'll like a scapegoat. did know ahead of time like bruno's just some guy; not even ''redeemable'' antagonist#but In Practice & w/all that beloved Disabledness & crucial appreciation like you Need this guy; the understanding is Key#like well ofc i would kill for him. ofc just constant like mhm go off king slay fire etc. god tier character cherished forever thanks#but then also like im sure a zillion [intention; inspiration; thoughts] going into Tfw Family Things characters; a zillion interpretions &#thoughts to follow like it truly is Arresting like this clarity on A Disabled Person In The Group like. much much to consider & whew.#reference point like when autistic ppl in some job see an obvious [problem to future mess] pipeline; so you know bruno madrigal. My Vision#When You're So Hated like hey i wanna live unseen w/my so hated little friends lol. just reread how to disappear completely never be found#when it's like grabbing people Who Cares if someone's being ''obviously'' disabled or weird just as how they are existing godddd#people get so mean like Who Cares just talk to them; be around them. some effort some mind your own business some You're Not Above Them#when it's obviously You like yeah. nonzero but limited applicability like [specifically my own nuclear family] but re: Weird; Disabled#as ever i'll Relate & be like but i probably seem nothing like that. or maybe i am very much like that. kind of difficult to tell b/c like#you Do get the disinterest lol & feedback is Not that familiar / in depth even if positive like well. the emergent So Hated / Scapegoating#noting like if a character just seems refreshingly familiar; Understood; comfortable; fun; what's the odds they're cishet allistic lol....#anyway the epiphany like oh it was figurative blink & you miss it stuttering....did [waiiit] Pace that one off like inhaaale Waugh#in fact i'm sure the Verbalizing Effort has staved off the kind of [thinks about all of it a moment] to go Aauughhh about again#which; again; also something happening 5 yrs in re: the clairvoyant soothsayer autistic neuroqueer quant on the show w/No Thoughts abt it#ppl being invalidated by others having to validate themselves (& others in the same boat); billions going & How We Hate Them For It lol#oh & encanto's [excluded party's effort to partake] tragedy vs billions' [where's winston in this office? this event?] good riddance idc
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it infuriates me that i had to be born w a bum eye. most ppl who got coloboma dont have any vision loss w it but i just had to be part of the ones that does have vision loss. and through the years its ruined my perfectly okay eye too so it cant see well now either. and its just gonna get worse forever!!!! and i got cataracts in it!!!!!!!!!!
#i... hate to think abt it#and ive never asked her..#but coloboma is semi common w fetal alcohol syndrome#lolol shed get so defensive#i hate it. i know she did the best she could and that she loves me..#i wish i could .. idk fix my eye its so depresssing having to deal w it#or idk i wanna spoon it out#sometimes when im angry that i cant see something or i cant see well in general i go into a crazy monologue#abt removing my eye#as violently as possible#cause u know the violence is part of the reclaiming#what am i even saying anymore...#idc#cataracts point is important btw cause if they remove the cataracts i lose all vision in that coloboma ridden eye#doctors said to me its not worth it cause it still gives me peripheral(?) view of stuff#but honestly i feel like id be better off w that fucker carved out of my face#.. they wouldnt do that obviously theyd just leave it in to be a gross reminder#just dull and not responding to anything#fucking EW#im gonna be sick i think thinking abt my eye situation
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anxiety is Hitting today like damn i just woke up lets chill
#uni starts back on monday#and i have a Lot to do#an assignment i haven't started is due on the 2nd#one week from today another assignment kinda hits the going point where we have to start making physical creations#and i still havent done sketches or anything bc i am. Not Good at sketching#the technical drawing aspect just confuses me and doesnt work w my brain at all but! its necessary to pass so!#im gonna have to rewatch old lectures and shit to try work it out#and also in 2 weeks theres an essay due that we havent even been given yet so that's. thats fun#god im exhausted#i have spent the entire break having anxiety about going back#im real hopeful that its just these classes and that next semester will be better#like i just finished a degree and i got thru 3rd year w ease but here i am first year of a new degree struggling#i think its bc this is a. hands on physical making things set of classes and thats fun! but the technical side makes no sense 2 my brain#anyway im going back to sleep idc if its 1pm and I just woke up i need me that anxiety depression nap#negative cw#ooc.
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I keep getting scheduled outside my availability and I've been messaging the scheduling manager abt it for the past like week and she hasn't even READ one of my messages since the first one
#i had messaged her to be like heeeeyy this is happening can u fix it please:)#the scheduling system is i think mostly automated? or not automated idk the word but theres a program that does it. so its not like#malicious or on purpose or anything its just like we have literally hundreds of employees and they probably just input my availability wron#or smth when they put it in so the program is just putting me in the hours that it has. but im literally in class during those times. anywa#she messages me back and is like what is your availability supposed to be? so i sent it to her annnd. she has not looked at it#and i get that shes dealing w a million employees and her messages probably get buried rlly easily#buttt. i got fucking scheduled outside my hours again next week.#i was already able to find coverage so its like fine i mean whatever it was annoying but that day at least has been delt with. but I can't#do this every fucking week! I've been @ing her in the chat and marking it as important pretty much every day to remind her. and i think she#off on weekends so it like makes sense that she didnt see it the last couple days but still idkkkk im just going crazy#i am like trying to be as empathetic as possible bc she is actually a very busy person but it is so so insanely frustrating to be trying so#hard to fix this problem that isnt even my FAULT and im just getting absolutely nothing back meanwhile it is still happening.#idk im gonna message my other supervisor who actually replies and see what else i can do. bc at this point like. if this doesnt get solved#soon im abt to just start ignoring the schedule and showing up whenever and if they want to fire me they can idc#im lying actually i literally cant lose this job. idkkkk what to do i wanna cry#zem diary
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