#uni starts back on monday
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anxiety is Hitting today like damn i just woke up lets chill
#uni starts back on monday#and i have a Lot to do#an assignment i haven't started is due on the 2nd#one week from today another assignment kinda hits the going point where we have to start making physical creations#and i still havent done sketches or anything bc i am. Not Good at sketching#the technical drawing aspect just confuses me and doesnt work w my brain at all but! its necessary to pass so!#im gonna have to rewatch old lectures and shit to try work it out#and also in 2 weeks theres an essay due that we havent even been given yet so that's. thats fun#god im exhausted#i have spent the entire break having anxiety about going back#im real hopeful that its just these classes and that next semester will be better#like i just finished a degree and i got thru 3rd year w ease but here i am first year of a new degree struggling#i think its bc this is a. hands on physical making things set of classes and thats fun! but the technical side makes no sense 2 my brain#anyway im going back to sleep idc if its 1pm and I just woke up i need me that anxiety depression nap#negative cw#ooc.
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decided to go back to uni
#ive been DELIBERATING. and its a good choice#look i really can't imagine going back to teaching#and what I really don't want is to scramble for a new career in a new field as a junior without education#besides i know what i want#it's just a bachelors. it'll be over in a jiffy#you get paid to study here and I'll have an easier time finding an apartment too -- its the reason im starting on monday already (not uni b#t I lucked out and got put in some electoral classes that I could take just to get student status until may#and then i start the curator bachelors in august so it just. works. i can scarcely believe it but ill have time to change my mind if i do#IM SCARED. IM PUMPED. I FEEL OLD. IT'LL BE FINE.#also lmao every meeting i had with a councelor past few weeks ended with me sobbing because im so terrified and relieved at the same time#(really can't imagine teaching again i think it would kill me)#(but holy shit starting an entirely new carreer at 32? she wildin')#but yeagh. job ops look great and i have always regretted not turning to history so. AUGH PIC RELATED ME ASF#for a split second did I deliberate studying theology to be ordained just to spit the catholic church in the face? i did. what a laughhhh
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Not me following tags of wlw and liking post from there, hoping that at least one of them slide through my dm saying 'thanks for the like!' Or 'thanks for the reblog'. And all I can reply back is 'no worries!'. But in my head I'm already starting our own fairytale and living happily ever after <33!
#i DID read the post from start to finish.#this is not me everyday#going back to uni stresses me out!!#anyway love you all#wlw post#woman to die for#love#spilled thoughts#random monday#sapphic#wlw blog#wlw yearning
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hi honeys! :D ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
#i start uni on Monday! Fun!! And im hopefully gonna get back into writing more consistently cos i miss it and I miss you guys!#and my mental state is back to normal healthiness again whoop whoop
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Class schedule for the upcoming semester has just come out and it sucks, but it'll suck even worse if I don't get to sign up for the classes and groups that I want, so please cross your fingers for me Friday morning :')))))
#one 2h long lecture on monday and it doesn't even start at 8 am#sound good?#sure if you aren't a commuter 😭#my commute to uni and back home is longer than this lecture#im an obnoxious nerd so of course i won't be skipping it anyway#but it's so annoying#txt#op
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I’ve had a few “whoops this thing I stopped doing is actually helping me” moments recently.
I’ve felt wretched and like I was coming down with the flu recently. It felt more than my normal PEM symptoms, and I was really concerned. And then I realise it’s spring, a bunch of stuff is blooming, and it’s been sooooo windy. And I stopped taking antihistamines and my nasonex sometime last year (antihistamines bc we thought it might have been causing some side effects, nasonex bc I hate the sensation of nasal sprays and need motivation to use it). Pesky hayfever. Needless to say I’m feeling much better having restarted my regimen. I felt a bit silly that I could have avoided feeing miserable though.
I went out for an appointment yesterday in my “knock about the house” shoes that are podiatrist loathed (nil ankle support, nil arch support, worn down), rather than my lace up shoes with my orthotics. After that appointment, I thought I’d check out a new store that’s opened at the shops nearby. I ended up doing a LOT of walking at the shops and today my ankles are sooooo painful and my hips been acting up. I guess it’s good to know that my shoes and orthotics are doing good things in terms of symptom prevention (as well as better longer-term outcomes) but damn do I feel ouchie.
I’m framing it as “yay negative data also tells us important things” because I gotta remember it’s not my fault when these things happen but it is good to try learn from them. And frankly, when there’s so many things going on with your health and condition management as a disabled person, it’s okay when things fall through the cracks. It’s gonna happen. Especially when there’s lots of non-disability stuff going on too. It’s okay.
#the ups and downs of chronic illness#disability#chronic illness#okay it’s been hectic recently#I had to travel for a funeral recently#and travel always fucks me up a bit#a close family pet also passed away 4 days after the human family member#that makes 4 deaths in my family in the last 12 months and it’s been a bit rough#get back home after the interstate funeral#next day is my ridiculously early class and then a long day#Friday also long with physio appt thrown in#weekend I catch up on life chores and attempt to rest#Monday I start an intensive course for uni#it’s 5hr day 5days per week and while it is an amazing class and I am having so much fun#and the teacher has been great about accomodations#I am also exhausted#I’m also making travel prep for in a few months#and this weekend especially after my shoe oopsie yesterday#I’m just feeling like death#first time in a while that I’ve needed to spend a significant chunk of time in bed#I’ve also had 2 migraines this week which is it’s own kind of warning system#but I think I’ll make it through#as I said I’m having so much fun with this class#which is learning how to do linguistic fieldwork#in a really hands on class where we work with a speaker of an underdescribed/underdocumented language#it’s so so fun and our speaker is fantastic#he’s picking up on linguistic stuff and it’s really cool how much we understand after only 5 days#and I’m getting to use some non-English lingua franca skills as well#first time I’ve used them in a non languge learning environment#unforchies I’m not gonna mention the languge we’re working on or the lingua Franca I mean bc that would lowkey doxx me
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I didnt really care about trial chambers at all at first but i just played minecraft from fucken. 10pm to 4pm. And uh. Those trial chambers
#fellas i think my brain has melted#ive been doing all sorts of things because i have an unknown amount of completely disconnected bases#cause i fuck off somewhere else whenever i get bored and also i dont want to trek back to wherever i was when i inevitably die#and yes i did add like 3 more this time#big fan of just setting up next to a trial chamber or a massive cave or an ancient city and fucking around forever and ever and ever#i need to get back to putting together all my tunnel systems and rail systems but i have more pressing matters (uni semester starts monday)#im going to go have the sleep of all time now
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oh wow I have so much to do and so little time to do it time to see how much I can reasonably avoid doing to ensure I don't die of a stress induced heart attack 🫶
#i hate you alevel art#you fucking suck 🫶#“exams start the monday you get back” hit me with a car ��#no revision no materials nothing but hopes and dreams#i have next week but i know myself which means i basically have 3 days where i actually do something#teacher wants us to do something that isn't on stretched paper honey that needs money i am NOT willing to spend#“make it interesting” have you considered watercolour doesn't really work on board#“canvas” you want it like a3/4 me and what money babe#art uni is more free right you can just do more of what you want creative freedom style right#bue waffling
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Shout out to that person who said Macky wanted to be on the winning side and when he says "okay, you win" to MK...I'm running late for school, yet I'm sitting home not even ready Lmk posting in your inbox. If you'd like me to limit how much I info dump to you, lmk!
anon! i would never limit you!
please tell me more of your thoughts about Macky telling MK that he won which means Macky forfeited and allowed himself to lose despite how much he's been trying to survive and how much he sees MK's plan as a suicide mission :)
#also all these asks for doing wonders to my mood#this week has been terrible#1/5 stars i would like to loop back to monday morning and start over please#and now i have a midterm so i'll be so braindead later T^T#ough#i don't really hate uni but it sure does drain you#asks#lmk#ignore the rant in the tags <3
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oh yes i can feel the brainrot incoming
#i have now watched the end credit scene as well as the new music video#god am i glad this has only started airing now that i'm less busy#it'll still be on during the first month that i'm back at uni after summer break#hoping and praying that first month won't be filled with loads of homework#well at least it airs on fridays so i got the whole weekend to calm down from it#just gotta make sure i do all my studying from monday to friday#airenyah plappert#dangerous romance#adrm
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got all these julian fawcett thigh screenshots to post but its 3:23am and im too tired
#im too sleepy to crop them. tomorrow#i need to get my ass in gear uni starts back on MONDAY#shut up ulrike#bbc ghosts
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Guess who's spending Eid away from home again next year lol
#me bitch#i havent went home for eid for 2 years and if you count next year then make it 3#so fyi first day of eid is estimated to be on the 10 of april 2024 which is Wednesday#so my classmates estimate that the classes on monday and tuesday will be online so they started to buy the tickets on Friday (5/4)#or during the weekend basically because yknow festive season = expensive tickets#and i told it to my friend and she chekced the ticket to go to kl and its only 200+ (official app) or 100+ (travel company) on 6/4 at 5am#so she asked me if i want to buy it so we can share transport to airport together and be in the same flight#so i called mom just now but since i need to take the transit to ny hometown it racks up to rm800+ 💀#totalled with the flights back to uni on sunday (14/4) it will be up to rm1600+ 💀#mom sound sorry and even said she can pay if i really want to go back home#but yknow i dont want to burden my parents more (they are the one who usually pay for my flights anyway)#and my friend who lives in the same state as me also doesnt seem to be able to afford the expensive tickets too#so its just me and her in the perantauan again ig lol#but my friend who lives here said to just celebrate eid with her and we can sleep in her room 😂#tbh i dont really mind not going back because as i get older the excitement for eid lessen idk#but i kinda miss the bersalam on the morning of eid with my family so yeah#and if i were to graduate and start working which i cant imagine ngl then i wont be home much anyway#whatever at least i get to fast at home for a week so theres still some W to celebrate#personal.txt
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#Ash's ramblings#you ever just take a look at yourself and it's like#it kinda looks like 85% of my problems lead back to my complete lack of a sense of self worth#and you go well maybe you really could use some therapy. but also it's 4.30pm on a thursday#and it's the end of term and you really have to finish that presentation and study for that exam and complete these 3 essays#and start on the other essays and hope the writing test tomorrow will go well and what about the speaking exam on Monday#that is online but the presentation is on site and there's only half an hour between and that's not enough time to get to uni actually#and. all the other things that take priority#and also therapy is kinda expensive and you already don't have hobbies bc you can't afford any classes and without classes you won't stick#to anything so can you afford therapy. and if you can wouldn't it be more fun to do sth else instead#but you kinda can't anyway but. maybe. Idk. but therapy also costs time and you don't have that either#and also you're not that bad off anyway so wouldn't it kinda be overkill. kinda embarrassing to go. you're functioning and all#havent considered drastic measures in quite a while. and what if you really ARE just stupid so your sense of self worth is in fact accurate#and therapy can't actually make you like. smart or talented or whatever so. wouldn't it just be a waste of time.#and then you look back at your laptop and realise you should be studying instead of mildly spiralling on tumblr so you get back to that#and try to focus#ily all feel free to ignore me I'm just stressed#Tag ramblings#suicide mention#Like. Very mild and not directly and all but idk just in case?? Idk what counts as triggering for whom so#it's like. idly thinking about why I practically never invite ppl to my flat. oh it's bc I'm embarrassed of the way I live and#scared it won't be good enough for others#why am I so immediately forgiving and willing to acceot things that hurt me. oh it's bc if I don't ppl won't have a reason to stick around#why do I get so quietly intensely jealous when ppl do cool things and have good things happen to them. oh it's bc it makes me think#that they'll realise how very much I don't fit into that cool life they're living and I can't keep up and I'm boring and the opposite of#anything they want in their life#I do realise this is. like. a problem.#it does not make me a better friend or partner or whatever if I'm constantly occupied with negative feelings about myself that#are no one else's problems and I shouldn't make it so. so I do not but it's still there and I can't make it go away#and I'm sure it's obvious sometimes that there's SOMETHING and that's. you know. Idk where I'm going with this.
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my knowledge that i cant pull all nighters vs my "well its already 3:30 why not stay up"
#its not like i have much to do today. just groceries and even thats not super desperate#but then tomorrow/monday uni starts back and i have a 9am class#my thought is stay up all night sleep early and go to uni#but my reality will not end that way i fear#im kinda tired just not. im not sleepy. dont want sleep isk#idk
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i just feel kinda weird and bad all the time like i'm mostly normal now but in a way that's worse than before and i guess it's probably trauma or whatever but what happened really shouldn't have been that traumatic like. idk man i just wanna feel okay again.
#could also be the incredibly cold winter lmao i also haven't felt warm in a very long time nor have i seen the sun#i miss her :(#i'm barely leaving the house either that can't be good for me#okay well. on monday i was planning to start going back to uni physically in person on campus again for one day a week#i have many library books to return#so maybe that will help
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god it's almost my birthday. fuck
#i don't want to............#god i know 23 isn't old but it feels so old#what the fuck happened to nineteen. i was supposed to get to be nineteen. and twenty and twenty-one#remember when we all made jokes about getting to redo whatever age we were stuck in quarantine at?#back when it would have only been one number?#i think we should have gotten to. i would have liked to start uni at nineteen instead#i would feel less out of place#met a girl at a party who (upon me saying i would be 23 in a couple months. following her calling herself old)#went 'OH okay i'm not the oldest one here. thank GOD. no offense'#like. cool. you're less than a year younger than me and also way to be an asshole to someone Just meeting your entire friend group#anyway yeah. monday approaches. i wish it didn't#el speaks
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