#Do I judge people for being too invested NO you do you. But beyond very popular pop culture headline I really would rather be out of the

[idontmindifuforgetme]

I’ll never forget how once my ex joked I “live under a rock” and when I asked how he showed me a Snapchat reel of “hot celebrity gossip,” after which he pointed out I don’t keep up with any of it. I really dated that that’s so embarrassing

[blorger]

Based on the discussion over the last couple of days, I feel like Drarry fandom has become very...dour? It seems people are bothered that not everyone on here wants angsty enemies to lovers stories all the time?

Draco's redemption is an important aspect of his character and has been brilliantly explored in hundreds, probably thousands of fics and I've read and enjoyed many of them. But, my god, sometimes I want to read something light or I don't have the time to invest in reading 50k+ words about how Harry is finally seeing Draco as more than just a Death Eater. Sometimes I want to see them just be together without the author feeling the need to insert a tangent about what a good boy Draco has been since the War and how he's totally changed now. I can infer that from the fact that Harry has chosen to be with him, he can tell the right sort for himself, you know?

It's as if we're not allowed to say we enjoy Draco as a character unless we explicitly put him through emotional and moral hell first. Also, I feel like by focusing so much on Draco's character arc, we tend to forget that Harry also has shit to work through, beyond needing to accept that he wants to bone Malfoy now.

This is not about calling anyone out, it's just a general trend I've been noticing with the fic and commentary that's been coming out lately. We can enjoy Drarry, but there always needs to be an asterisk to it, always. Have you noticed this or is it just me using the wrong filters/being in the wrong bubble/losing my mind?

I'm going to be honest with you here friend, I had no idea this was happening. I generally tend to stay away from, like, confrontational corners of the fandom (on account of I really don't have the constitution for it), but I know that sometimes these things have a way of reaching you even when you're not looking for them. For your peace of mind, I recommend maybe trying to curate your fandom experience to be less stressful to you because at the end of the day this is supposed to be fun. If you already are and it's not working, I'm fresh out of sage advice :(.

I do see the trend you've mentioned, I think it comes from attaching too many IRL things to a fictional world and adding complexities where there aren't, sometimes it enriches the fandom experience and sometimes it causes people to judge individual characters too harshly. I am but a passing ship in the turbulent waters of the marauders era fandom but it's something I especially notice there, with strictly segregated factions who each have very exacting parameters.

The problem with fandom squabbles like these is that no-one is wrong because we all are; we're all seeing things that aren't there in a series of books written by a terrible person; for all that we can share the joy of flipping the script on jkr, the fandom is never going to be totally unified because we're all making shit up as we go.

I also don't enjoy overly angsty fics where Draco has to martyr himself in order to be redeemed, because the Draco in my head doesn't need to do all that. The beauty (and curse) of a ship as big as Drarry is that there's multiple accepted interpretations of Harry, Draco and their relationship; hell, there's some fics where I feel like the author just slapped the names Harry and Draco on two OCs and called it a day but that just means said works weren't meant for me.

Curating our fandom experience as best as possible is really the only thing we as readers can do; one of the best strategies I've adapted is starting to exit out of fics the moment I realise they aren't working for me. I don't know how many fics I had to force myself to slog through because they are beloved classics, hoping I'd also see what everyone else is seeing, only to learn I should have trusted my instincts and abandoned ship. Ultimately I had to learn to stick with what works for me, even if it means there's significantly less fandom output I get to enjoy.

I honestly don't know if any this helped,

xoxo

[nothingtherefornow]

Thomas Astruc on Chloe:

Really, the best lesson that the character of Chloé brings is this deleterious bias in humans that we find in many relationships...

You can behave like the worst garbage, all you need is a micro-good deed and all of a sudden, many will forgive everything. Let the oppressor give the oppressed a treat and we will praise their humanity...

On the other hand, you can be the best of people, and it will only take a tiny gap for the same people to nail you to the pillory. Like some do for Marinette. It's a phenomenon that we see everywhere. In politics, but even in abusive relationships...

Fascinating, really. I wonder how we can do to counteract to that.

And there is not so much in the character of Chloé that is interesting, but the reactions it provokes.

On the one hand, there are those who cling to these good deeds, which would be supposed to show that she is kind, deep down, without ever questioning what motivates these actions.

A bit like in abusive relationships, in which, when we are dealing with a monster, we often convince ourselves that they will change, not only because we are driven by the desire to help them, but also not not lose everything we have emotionally invested in the relationship.

But the important thing is not that the monster is capable of good deeds from time to time. That's why they do them: to be able to stay in control. They let go of the ballast to be able to better remake the evil behind. Carrot, stick, carrot, stick. A hellish spiral.

On the other have, we have convinced those who don't even see how problematic it is. Those who think that at least she has character, a personality. Not like that water bottle of Marinette. The one who deserves the title of heroine is Chloé!

Well, sometimes she abuses a little, but it's not that bad. A magnanimity towards a character, which they obviously don't grant to Marinette.

Hyper-classical process in politics.

If a homeless person steals a packet of dough, or a young suburban man rides a scooter without a helmet, we will accuse the judges of laxity if there is no firm prison.

On the other hand, if a politician gets stuck for having embezzled millions, then suddenly, the same people who accused the judges of laxity, will accuse them of being inquisitors.

And of course, these are the first ones to draw the worst of insults. All this to defend a cartoon character.

Or rather to defend themselves, actually.

All while claiming to be the protectors of children: Think about it! What a message to send to young people, that a person cannot change!

Except that this is to ignore the obvious: children do not identify with the bad guys. They appreciate them as characters. They can even understand them if some backstory is given. But that's all.

The best proof is that toys of villains sell very poorly.

In any case, for my part, what I love about this character, beyond the pleasure we have in playing her in the stories by her caricature side, is what it reveals of those who "stan" her, as they say now. Angelism for some, toxic inclinations for others.

Not sure that if, they learned a lot about themselves, but it taught me a lot.

And you know what, he’s right!

YOU NAILED IT FELLOW FAN !!

I would also add that currently in France, we have a big part of our people which prefer to defend criminals and delinquents, rather than the people they hurt who are most often harmless citizens who pay their taxes and don't piss off anyone.

behind the excuse of right thinking they like to tell themselves that people who have committed horrible acts can change and that it would be too cruel to want to punish them, while as soon as a victim opens their mouth to denounce the injustices they suffered and demand that their executioner pay for their crimes, these same people do not hesitate to insult the victim with all the names.

[katyspersonal]

Trying to see something 🤔

I am trying to check something this ( x ) post suggested with the closest interest I hold, hollon

Alfred and Adella - Both are religious fanatics of their faction that murder a helpless woman for blood purity reasons. (Adella is slightly better because she at least gives Arianna "three strikes" chance lol)

Djura and Maria - Both are legendary Old Hunters (the Gehrman's hunters type) who abandoned the hunt going heart-broken over what they did and resigned to take care about some sort of damaged, mutated people beyond help. (Djura certainly takes it better than Maria, but still)

Narrow Minded Man and Lonely Old Woman - They are roughly similar type of lonely old Yharnamites full of snarkyness and resentment towards the hunters and foreigners in general that also (presumably) chug blood-based medicine abundantly; blood cocktails and sedatives respectively. (He is probably more rigid and dumb, bro doesn't even go insane after Bloodmoon, though)

Laurence and Emilia - High-ranking religious figures, heads of the setting's Church. Laurence sure did much more in his life, but for the gradually corrupting holy figure fix, they both work!

Micolash and Fauxsefka - This one is a bit hard since Micolash is 'evil' whereas Fauxsefka is stated to be heroic by frikin Miyazaki himself, but they're similarly the 'mad scientist' trope focused on cosmos and ascension and not shy of doing other people a "favour" of helping them to ascend too (I judge by Micolash having corpses with cages tied to the chairs even in the Nightmare). Honorable mention: Adeline being an absolute madwoman not scared of Deep Sea horrors unlike other patients but craving them. She would not sacrifice anyone but herself for her goals (as far as we know....), but they are both very "brave" in their own regard. They both just really want some eyes from Kos xd

Henryk and Eileen - Very aged, lonesome hunters that are familiar with Gascoigne and are a part of very small secret group of hunters that assasinates the less lucky ones over superstitious reasons (which also hold a merit in this setting). It was lost in translation, but Henryk is stated to have lived long because simply nothing was able to kill him, whereas Crowfeathr Garb started to symbolize Eileen specifically, implying she has been Hunter of Hunters longer than anyone else. So, they're both very badass... Oh, and they also both are throwing knives! Honorable mention: frequient similar appearance headcanons because of Eileen's English voice actress! @heraldofcrow Look at this shite they're like male and female version of the same character for reeeeeal AAAAA jhfdsjfhdss*sob*

Gascoigne and Henriett - Used to be Healing Church hunters who cut the ties with it, most likely because the Church started to slack on the hunt and they wanted to be helpful (notice Henriett's new clothes resembling Old Hunters' style).

Julie(Yurie) - Depending on the interpretation, she is either like Damian (a person that fell off from their respective faction) or like Edgar (a spy seeking Micolash and traces of his crimes, since Byrgenwerth, Lecture Hall and Nightmare of Mensis are basically different stops of the same bus lol)

Chapel Dweller and Arianna - A character with a Pthumerian heritage which regular people in Yharnam seem to not like and even item description say something shitty about them, yet the player can see with their own eyes they're very sweet people.

____________________

Okay so

1) Yeah, like I suspected, in many cases a trope or an archetype that male character has is shared by a female character very closely! The reason there is no parallel for everyone is because there are just less female characters, in amount!

2) I'd say that lessened investment in female characters that share a trope is to be blamed on these characters having less lore and dialogue..... if it was true, lol. ASS you can see, they tend to have the same amount of lore and potential; except for Henriett having 0 verbal or described lore compared to Gascoigne, and except for Henryk having no dialogue when Eileen has plenty. But even then first, Henryk being silent is his character, and second, I still see more stuff for Henryk in the fandom than for Eileen.

2.1) Micolash is, however, hard to replace if someone is looking for a combination of "madness" AND evil xd But normally people are invested in a way more sympathetic and humane portrayal of him, or the period in timeline when he used to be not so bad but just a weirdo nerd, so.....

3) Maria is somewhat an exception from 'less investment in female characters than male ones of the same archetype' rule... But at the same time, she is a "poster girl" (aka most creations for her are simply drawings celebrating her aesthetic (fair enough)), and explorations of her story and character often do not go any deeper than Mariadeline fluff and/or fandomry discourse over headcanons. Mathematically, Maria and Djura get the same 'weight' of investment!

Conclusion: Yeah, there are many times when there is no excuse for ignoring a female character, "they are not the right archetype" doesn't work in Soulsborne.. It is time for female blorbos rise

[orchideae]

In today's episode of 'Sae, do you (...)': the topic of Ningguang and Yelan, and I thought that I should note my opinion more clearly outside of my rules as it's very important information for my portrayal: I do not ship Ningguang and Yelan romantically.

Honestly, while this is of course my own opinion, I don't find that there's anything to really substantiate a romantic interest between the two. For starters, I don't think that Ning, as interesting of a character as she is with a past that might just be similar in its 'rise' to Yelan's (we're left with very little information on the latter's childhood), ticks the right kind of boxes for her, though to be fair: not many do. Yelan craves a specific sort of thrill in her life, I mean she lives it at the roll of a dice because she is, on some level, bored, and craves the unexpected, the unusual, the 'surprise', and Ningguang's life nor personality seem to play into that. Beyond it, Yelan would need a kinship within this very specific 'loneliness' that I talk about too often and I think that Ning is not one who quite meshes into that in the right way.

Second, despite their long-standing history that even predates their mutual involvement with the Qixing, there seems to be a certain professional distance between the two that I'm quite fond of that is shown in brief event cutscenes, and also Yelan's vision story, that I find inherently intriguing. Perhaps this distance plays more into Yelan's character of not investing too heavily, or rather not too easily, into social dynamics than it does Ning's (I'm not one to weigh in on her character), but it seems evident to me that there's also that semblance of professionalism that creates a line that takes away the possibility of growing closer on an emotional level. And whether that's a mutual decision or not is not up to me to judge, but I think it's one that's made rather clearly from Yelan's side. On top of that, Yelan is Yelan and it's my personal belief that shipping her is rather difficult.

Now I'm also inherently of the opinion (unpopular, I know, I apologize) that dynamics aren't always more interesting when written in romantic settings, and I don't think it's a benefit for all of them to veer into a romantic nature. And in my opinion (and most importantly: in my depiction and understanding of Yelan's character), I think that having Ning and Yelan cross the line from professionalism into something inherently more rooted in romanticism, would be a detriment to their dynamic. Because honestly, I think the fact that Ningguang being one of two people (other being Uncle Tian) to know Yelan best, without ever crossing that line, is too good. I would simply, well, just prefer to keep that not only platonic, but professional, but of course not excluding it of Yelan's quips, and the occasional 'confidant' element.

/rambles in tags because I feel like I have more to say that I shouldn't flood the post with.

[boleynqueenes]

Being as you are someone who writes about Anne Boleyn, I must ask you, which are your favorite portrayals of Anne Boleyn? I mean fiction (novels, film, tv) but also non-fiction. And, do you feel your fav portrayals have influenced you in the way you write Anne and her story? Your least favorite ones, do they have an influence too? Which ones are they? Thanks

If there's one with zero merit and/or minimal entertainment value I won't include it on the list, I'll say I'll ** = my absolute favourites and * = my compelling in some aspects, but tread with caution, and those sort of in between I'll leave alone.

Or rather, let's put it another way...* is worth a library rental or free Kindle borrow, whichever you have available, and ** is worth an actual purchase. Those without *...eh, I'll leave it to you.

The Challenge of Anne Boleyn, Hester Chapman*

Adultery, Heresy, and Desire, Amy Licence*

Raven's Widow, Adrienne Dillard**

Jane Boleyn, Julia Fox**

Among the Wolves, Lauren Mackay*

Queens of Henry VIII, David Starkey*

The Story of the Death of Anne Boleyn, Translation, Edition, and Essays by Joann DellaNeva**

The Lady Elizabeth, Alison Weir*

Renaissance Prince, Lisa Hilton*

Hunting the Falcon, John Guy & Julia Fox**

The Life & Death of Anne Boleyn, Eric Ives**

Tudors in Love, Sarah Gristwood

Tudor England: A History, Lucy Wooding**

Children of Henry VIII, John Guy*

Henry VIII by Lucy Wooding**

The Other Boleyn Girl, Philippa Gregory*

The Lady in the Tower, Alison Weir*

The Lady Anne (Book 2 of 5 of Above All Others series) by Gemma Lawrence**

Judge the Best (Book 2 of 5 of Above All Others series) by Gemma Lawrence**

Threads by Nell Gavin*

In the Shadow of Lions, Ginger Garrett*

Tarnish by Katherine Longshore*

Brazen by Katherine Longshore

Anne & Henry by Dawn Ius*

Wife after Wife by Olivia Hayfield*

The King's Mind by Christopher Rae**

The Concubine by Christopher Rae**

VIII by HM Castor

Queenbreaker by Catherine McCarran

The Tudors (2007-)**

The Lovers Who Changed History (2014)**

Anne Boleyn miniseries (2021)**

Blood, Sex & Royalty (2022)**

I Am Henry: A Compelling Novel of Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII (2023)

And, do you feel your fav portrayals have influenced you in the way you write Anne and her story? Your least favorite ones, do they have an influence too? Which ones are they? Thanks

Pieces from everything influence me, Christopher Rae's and Gemma Lawrence's novels, for example, both had some of the best and credible portrayals of Henry Norris I've ever read, both in credible unrequited love (tying into, Anne's wariness thereof) that was forged into a weapon against him and for why he became such a favourite of HVIII's in the first place (would've included Jeff Lavender's thesis of Norris also, had you asked for beyond fiction and non-fiction books). The best parts of all of the above have inspired me to craft AB as a character at turns, sympathetic and unsympathetic: proud, courageous, intelligent, zealous, prudent (more in the 16c sense than 21c), fierce, jealous, sensitive, vindictive, unyielding, talented, compassionate, bold, spirited, pious, impassioned, loyal, loving ...somebody who inspired either complete devotion or implacable hatred, with very little in between, and felt comparable extremes towards her own family, friends, and adversaries.

From my least favourite...I try to remember that every choice she made was morally defensible and/or justifiable, from her own perspective, regardless of whether or not it actually was (and of course, they weren't always). I try to remember also that fear and insecurity can best explain some of her less palatable choices, as enumerated here. Basically, just that she was human and flawed, but also that there were many people personally (and often, religiously) invested in magnifying her flaws and reducing, or even outright omitting, her strengths. Obviously, that misogyny can also be a factor in some of her portrayals, is a salient remembrance to keep in mind, as well.

[existential-labrador]

After a night’s sleep I am feeling bad about ranting about Hannah Waddingham’s interview because I never want to become a toxic fan.

I did and do still find her comments patronising and upsetting, not because she doesn’t apparently support Tedbecca but because the interview made it sound as though we were all being silly for being invested in it and the wording just did sound patronising. I think treating any ship that way is wrong, ships can mean an awful lot to a lot of people and media should be enjoyed and interpreted how people choose.

However, ships can become so all consuming that we can forget about the importance and brilliance of the rest of the show. I mean other shows here too not just Ted Lasso, but in regards to this show particularly, well, what a special thing it is. And what makes it so special and loved goes so far beyond ships so we (myself included) need to remind ourselves of that.

I think it’s also important to note that what we saw of this interview could have been taken out of context and that we can be very quick to judge when it comes to interview snippets, good and bad and when it comes to media in general.

I also just saw a very interesting post (from @kalinara ) about this and pointing out that perhaps cast members shouldn’t be asked about ships and pairings to begin with. On the one hand I’ve seen a lot of cast members in other shows really lean into ships and indulge the fans, but that can’t be easy to do all the time and must get exhausting. It’s not up to the cast what happens and must be so frustrating to be presented with the same questions over and over. Especially when Hannah’s character represents so much more than a love interest. None of the (main) characters on this show especially, should just be reduced to that.

Perhaps she didn’t mean it that way or was caught at a bad moment or perhaps it was taken out of context. Or perhaps she did mean it and as much as that would upset me, I need to remind myself that this wasn’t a personal attack and that I don’t actually have a dialogue with these people. They are just doing their jobs and trying they’re best and you know what, they’re only human. And they try their best to do so much for fans but fans can be seriously intense, I know I can be. And as the aforementioned post also pointed out, they are trapped as soon as they are asked that question aren’t they? Whatever they end up saying will probably end up upsetting someone! They can’t win.

I didn’t intend to say anything that was a personal attack on Hannah when I was ranting last night but if it came across that way then I am sorry for it. These things should never turn into personal attacks on cast members or any of the team. It’s turned me away from portions of fandoms before and it’s something I truly despise.

I think it’s okay to be upset and to feel things and to process, we’re only human too! So I hope no-one takes this as me preaching and judging them, because this is about me reflecting on my own behaviour more than anything.

But I think this whole thing has made me realise how easy it is to fall into that trap of toxicity and going forward, I am gonna be more careful.

I am so, so deeply in love with this ship yes (and will still remain so, intensely, til my dying day) but I am also so deeply in love with this show, these characters, this cast, these creators. I am going to really try to enjoy all of it, not just the ship however it turns out. And I am going to keep choosing to be kind, hopefully in general, but especially when it comes to this show.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

Hi again! Honestly, I kind of love your meta about the Cullens with and without Edward as a framing device. They're so delightfully fucked up. What do you think the Cullens like about each other? Like, do Jasper and Rosalie ever just share a commiserating glance when Edward is getting particularly judge-y? Does Carlisle ever tell Rose how proud he is that her self-control is That Good? Do Emmett and Esme hang out, does she appreciate how light-hearted he is? Like - other than their "mates" do you think the Cullens are super close? What do you think it would take to get them there/what's the ideal "family" dynamic?

Thank you, and for reference, Edward's thoughts on the family.

All the Cullens about all the other Cullens? Well, this will certainly be a large post. I guess we'll tackle this one at a time and then get into what an ideal "family" dynamic even is (especially for vampires).

Let's buckle in friends.

Alice

By far, Alice is closest to Edward.

When she first sees him, she runs to him and embraces him as a brother. Throughout the series, Alice and Edward are the ones that share a close bond with each other, rely upon one another, and hold each other in the highest esteem.

Much of this comes from their respective gifts.

Per their gifts, they unwillingly invade the privacy of everyone close in their lives. More, it's something that forces them to see the world differently beyond even Jasper (who is also gifted). They have a strong sense of kinship with one another.

Bella is important to Alice not only because Alice sees her as a friend but because she is the one who will make Edward happiest. And that means quite a bit to Alice.

Otherwise, Alice isn't that close to any of the others.

Bella comes in slot number two in Alice's esteem and that's very telling, because Alice treats Bella like her life-sized Barbie doll and makes it clear on a number of occasions that she's more than willing to risk Bella's life for the sake of Edward's happiness without a hint of remorse.

Then there's the rest of them.

People, to Alice, are a bit like pawns in a chess game. Part of this is because of her gift, she sees so many futures that it's very easy for her to dehumanize those around her. The people she's closest to aren't people, but a collection of possible choices, and Alice helps guide those choices to the ones she finds preferable.

And preferable, here, is preferable to Alice. Oh, it might work out for everyone else, and Alice will tell you she looks out for the future of everyone over all, but ultimately because everyone else is just a collection of choices it's what happens to Alice that matters.

Alice is with Jasper because a vision told her to be, nothing more, nothing less. Every interaction they have just emphasizes that they are nothing together, not even a real emotional bond.

The others don't even seem to share a connection with Alice at all. She's in their lives, is this perky kind of fun girl, but that's it. They barely know her as she seems to barely know them.

Alice is with the Cullens not for the Cullens themselves but because visions have guided her to be there as the best future for her. Oh, she treats them like family, but I imagine she'd be the same with anyone else had visions dictated a different path.

As for why the Cullens, they're large and very talented, and Carlisle is one of the few vampires in such a large coven who would not use Alice's gift as a means of war or expansion. It's really the safest place for Alice to be, and why she'll likely do everything in her power to keep the coven together.

Carlisle

Despite Edward's, Edwardness, Carlisle is incredibly fond of Edward and does see him as something of a son. He's also very devoted to his marriage to Esme, despite its unseen flaws. And he seems to be very close with Rosalie, easily seeing her as a daughter and acting much like a paternal figure to her throughout the series.

He doesn't seem as close with Emmett, Jasper, and Alice. This is in part because Emmett doesn't really reach out to him the way the others do, Jasper keeps very much to himself, and Alice is Alice.

However, he's very fond of the Cullens as a whole and looks on each of them highly, even if they don't really deserve it all the time. He would be devestated were the coven to fall apart.

Emmett

Emmett's closest is with Rosalie, for obvious reasons, but even they have a pretty dysfunctional relationship. What Emmett appreciates most about Rosalie is her beauty, when it comes to her personality, he openly admits he's not the largest fan (but what are you going to do, it's the wife, amirite?)

Otherwise, he's a very amiable guy and gets along well enough with everyone, but doesn't seem particularly close to any of them. He wrestles with Jasper and seems to engage in the most 'fun' activities with him, but Jasper is a very haunted soul with a difficult past that Emmett doesn't touch with a ten foot pole.

Emmett tries to bond with Edward, but they just don't understand one another. Especially as Edward seems to go increasingly mad when he decides he's in love with Bella Swan, Emmett doesn't know what to do with that one at all.

Emmett never embraces the whole Esme and Carlisle as his parents thing, and to him it's likely a hilarious joke, but otherwise he doesn't bond with either of them too much.

So, when you get down to it, it's pretty much just Rose.

Esme

Esme adores the family, and by the family I mean Edward. Edward is far and away Esme's favorite child, really the only Cullen I'd say Esme considers her child, and she makes no pretense otherwise and openly says as much.

That said, if you asked her, it would be about the family unit as a whole. And she would be devastated if the Cullens fell apart on her, though not as much if one of the fringe members left vs. Edward leaving.

Otherwise, there's Carlisle, who she adores as her husband. Though they, too, have significant issues. Specifically, neither of them truly knows who it is they married and one day they will find that out. Personally, I think Carlisle ranks far less in Esme's priorities than Edward, in part because he doesn't need her quite so badly, and also because in a way he just is Husband to her and little else.

I think she has very little connection with Jasper and Alice specifically, as they came in so late and in a way are so self contained. Emmett I think amuses her, but he's not really a "child" per se. Rosalie's closest, but as Rosalie doesn't need her as a mother I think that puts a wedge between them.

I also think that Rosalie and Esme wouldn't really understand each other. Despite having lived through similar experiences as humans, they are very different women from one another. I just don't see the bond there.

Jasper

Jasper seems to be the eternal outsider in the family. Edward despises him, but more, I think he doesn't quite know where to fit in with these people. He came from such a different from world than each of them and lived a very different life.

We see him wrestling with Emmett, so there's a bond of friendship there, but I never saw it as a particularly deep one. They'll wrestle, play games, but they never have the hard and difficult conversations in life.

He and Alice have their relationship, but there doesn't seem to be anything really holding them together. The conversations they need to have don't happen, and Alice manipulates his life like a piece on a chessboard, and he consents because he has no trust left in himself at all.

We see Jasper despair to Carlisle in Breaking Dawn that Bella, a newborn, has better control than him but this seems to be an extreme moment for him. It doesn't seem like he and Carlisle are talking often even if, perhaps, they should if only to gain more perspective from one another.

Jasper didn't come to the coven for Alice, nor is that solely the reason he stays, but he very much is an outsider and the one who doesn't quite fit in with the rest of them.

Rosalie

Rosalie is very invested in the family itself. She loves these people, even the ones that aren't so hot on her.

Yes, she wishes she and Alice had an actual relationship, and is pissed off when Alice blows her off for Edward's human girlfriend of all things. Yes, she wishes that she and Edward could get along, but she sees him as the brother you sometimes have a rocky relationship with.

Point being, to her, they are very much a family and she strives to keep them together.

As for who she's actually close to, I'd say it's Emmett and Carlisle. Her relationship with Edward is tense at best and antagonistic at worst. She and Alice have virtually know relationship at all, Jasper keeps to himself, and we don't see her really connecting with Esme.

On the other hand, in terms of her education (pursuing all she can and especially getting her medical degree), her strict adherence to the diet, she seems to emulate Carlisle in all that she does. He's very much a father figure to her and someone she wishes to be like.

So, I do think Carlisle tells Rosalie he's proud of her and she beams up at him. That one I do very much see happening.

Emmett is her rock, the man who keeps her steady and pulled her out of misery, who loves her near unconditionally. For the wrong reasons, perhaps, but time will tell if that relationship works out for them.

Summing it Up

The Cullens are actually fairly disjointed. They may look like a single cohesive unit, and they are in a sense, but if you look closer they divide down into cliques and subgroups quite easily. Not one of them is equally close to all other Cullens, and most of them are strangers to at least one of them.

This perhaps isn't surprising, given I think the coven is ultimately doomed, but it lays the foundations as for why it's doomed. Edward tells us this himself, what holds them together (vs. other smaller covens) is the diet. Edward, of course, didn't mean it like this, but to me that spells a very tenuous bond. One that, with not much of a catalyst, will break.

And I don't think they're going to get to the point where they reach that family ideal.

First, they'd have to truly understand each other, and understanding Edward would break the coven. So that's not going good places.

More though, they're such different people who ultimately do not share common ideals. They don't want the same things in life and certainly not for the same reasons, and because of that they're not going to be incredibly close to every other person in the coven. And that's fine, they don't have to be.

To be honest, I'm not sure the family dynamic is something they should strive for. They already, mostly, care about one another deeply and do live together. Why should they emulate human families?

The place where it falls apart on them is that half of them don't know who the other is, they all think they have different values than they actually do, and Edward is Edward.

And there's no getting around Edward being Edward.

[vivalavi-daa]

K-Dramas (Feb-May 2021)

1. Beyond Evil

About: Two detectives who try to figure out who's responsible for a series of murders in a quiet town.

Beyond Evil was the kdrama that was able to bring me back from my months of kdrama slump. As i began to watched, it didn't take me long for me to see why it has lots of positive reviews from the viewers & recently won the best drama of the year at the Baeksang Arts Awards. They were right about Beyond Evil being one of the best psychological thriller kdrama out there: Beyond Evil is filled with solid performance, brilliant writing, and unique atmosphere--the kind that makes you feel caught up in a small town called Manyang and the people in it. What made the stories even more complex and interesting is how all the character stand out by being so shady and have secrets of their own.

The main characters that are played by Shin Ha Kyun & Yeo Jin Goo aren't your usual detectives and both have different personalities. For that reason, I couldn't help but feeling excited to see how they would be if they work together. During watching, I was amazed that they could portray emotions in certain ways and how both have a good chemistry in the drama.

This year hasn't even ended yet but I can confidently say that it is one of the best and one of my fav drama this year!

2. Law School

About: the case of the murder of a professor at South Korea's prestigious law school which involved professors and students as suspects of the murder.

I truly enjoy watching this drama...but first of all I'm gonna be honest that I found the first few episodes as kinda confusing to watch. I didn't expect the stories to be so fast paced and for us to be displayed to the heart of the conflict right away (the death of the professor, when we barely even knew him). We were also being introduced to many characters at once while they continuously jumped back and forth in time with not many things to help us differentiate between different timelines. However as the story progressed, it became more easy to follow and the story became more engaging to watch. What engaged me the most was the empathic and righteous character of Kang Sol A who has a mission to get an apology from the law. I was excited to see her carried things to the better despite no characters expected her to do so. I was also looking forward to see the soft side of "Yangcrates", the ruthless professor in the drama. Though I'm being careful not to trust certain characters too much, I found all the characters here as interesting and I was all up to know each character deeper.

3. Youth of May

About: two people who fell for each other in the midst of a whirlpool of history in May 1980

The mellow atmosphere, the stories, and the characters were what made me so invested with the stories. Lee Do Hyun's character in this drama is one among a few male leads that i truly like. I also found Go Min Si's character as adorable with her hard-working & careful personality. Both actors displayed such an adorable chemistry. The fun interaction and the cute lovable scenes between the lead couple though...I'm so rooting for them. Although judging from the beginning of the drama, I could smell the tragic story is coming for them. But I'm already on board for this couple and will continue to watch it anyway.

4. Taxi Driver

About: A mysterious taxi service that takes revenge on behalf of victims who are unable to get justice from the law.

Lee Je Hoon did it again. He carried out every scene with his charisma and stunning performance, even when he has no line to deliver. And Esom was great as always. Somehow, I found the iconic line of the taxi service "Don't die, get revenge. We'll do it for you" was so hopeful after we were shown to the victim's intense experience. It was fascinating to see the way the taxi service then delivered action using plenty of impressive equipments and very skillful people. The drama osts also set up the mood of every scene. While the vigilante justice could satisfy our thirst for revenge, I had a concern about whether or not the way they deliver justice would create more problems. Anyhow, I had a really fun time watching Taxi Driver and is looking forward for another exciting story to unfold.

5. Doom at Your Service

About: Dong Kyung, a hardworking woman who is diagnosed with a brain cancer, risking her everything to make a contract with Myul Mang, a messanger between god and human to live as how she wants for a hundred days.

6. So I Married an Anti Fan

The aesthetic poster didn't lie; this drama was a pleasant to eyes. Especially the beautiful art from the intro video! It's also nice to see Park Bo Young & Seo In Guk on-screen again (although I haven't moved on from Seo In Guk's persona in The Smile Has Left Your Eyes lol). Seeing them made me reminded once again just how enjoyable it was to see their acting skills. So far, there are only a few eps released but the story already seemed appealing and filled with interesting side characters.

About: Kpop top star Whoo Joon & his anti fan Geun Yong who start to live together by chance & grow affection for each other

7. Move to Heaven

This drama was alright though it got cringey at times. A few things that bothered me was the awkward directing & lack of deep communication between the characters. Yet, I still watched it anyway for Choi Tae Joon & Choi Sooyoung whose acting made the drama fun to watch. I am also expecting more since i read the manhwa and knew the potential of the story.

About: A young man with Asperger syndrome and his uncle work as trauma cleaners, clearing out the possessions of dead people, uncovering the stories they left behind and telling them to loved ones.

Judging from the plot, I knew this drama would make me cry from beginning to end. It really had tear jerking stories. I even cried from the first episode. I love the way this drama was like a breath of fresh air with its beautiful stories & lessons to give, wrapped in a soothing vibe. The drama managed to be so moving and makes us reflect a lot about life, death, and how everyone around us has their own stories & feelings and we have to respect them.

8. Off the Course

About: A comical road-case drama where a mother and daughter chase the groom who ran away during their wedding day.

I've really missed seeing Nam Ji Hyun's acting and therefore it was so refreshing to see her in this drama. She was very talented at portraying different emotions as always. Off the Course depicted a relationship between a mother and her daughter with a meaningful story to reflect on. The chemistry between Nam Ji Hyun and Park i Young, her "on-screen mother", was also incredible it made me hoping I could see them working together again in another project. Since Off the Course only had 2 episodes, watching it felt like I was in for a short entertaining journey.

K-Drama Recommendations: 6/?

[highflyerwings]

Ten Characters I Fell in Love With in 2021

Tagged by @maystea! Thanks, hun!

Oof this was harder than it should have been, and I didn't know if it was supposed to just be limited to kdramas, but that's what everyone else seemed to be doing, so that's what I focused on. With the exception of the #1 spot, these are not in order of favorites. (I played around with the list too much after 1. for it to be in any kind of order.)

1. Lee Dongsik (beyond evil)

The character who brought me back into the kdrama game. He hit all of my buttons: angsty, tortured, fucked up, emotionally messy, kind, loving, loyal, handsome, bratty. He has it all. He is everything to me. What else is there to even say. I've never wanted a character to be real so badly in my life.

2. Kang Yohan (the devil judge)

I did not anticipate loving this character as much as I did. But from the very first episode I was done for. He’s complex, and fucked up. He’s clever and smart and loving and generous and scary and also bratty and everything you never thought could fit perfectly into one person, it’s all there. He surprises me every time I rewatch the show. And I’m surprised I can somehow manage to fall more in love with him every time.

3. Jung Sunah (the devil judge)

My literal wife. The light of my life. One of my all time favorite villains. She’s twisted, and complex. She scares me and she also makes me want to wrap her up and keep her safe. I would die for her.

4. Seong Gihun (squid game)

The man I've gone to bat for more than any of the other characters on this list. The good, flawed, lovable, tragic man I love so so much. Maybe my love is a reaction to how much the majority of people seem to hate him, but I really am just terribly in love with him and how good he is. He's so human, and I think that's what people forget when they analyze (and condemn) his actions. He's a humanist and I love him for that.

5. Han Jaeho (the merciless)

The last of the Merciless Evil Devil From Hell dilfs that I met. And one that hit me as hard as I expected. I knew I was going to love him, but I didn't know how much. He's the perfect combination of Mujin and Dongsik, and I was helpless to fall for that. I love his snark and his attitude. I love how intimidating he is. I love how sexy he is. I love how twisted and tragic he is. He's my bisexual king.

6. Choi Mujin (my name)

What do I even have to say about Choi Mujin. He ruined me. He's made me useless. I have nothing else to say.

7. Kang Sol A (law school)

Ha! Y’all didn’t even know I watched this show did you. But I did. And I ugly cried through the last half of it. But the one character that hooked me immediately, the one that I will never forget as long as I live, is Sol A. She’s cute, and weird, and snarky, and messy, and smart, and clever, and she made me laugh. Like…she made me laugh and I fell in love.

8. Yang Jonghoon/Yangcrates (law school)

My dude. My motherfuckin GUY. Of course I was gonna fall for the professor. If I have ONE TYPE, it’s sexy hardass professor with a heart of gold. He spent every second teaching those kids. He spent every second making sure they had the tools they needed and understood how to use them. He’s so smart and so mysterious and so scary please I hate school so so much he stresses me out. And that’s why I want to marry him.

9. Lawyer Ko Inguk (the devil judge)

I'm literally not even explaining myself here. If you know, you know.

10. Jung Taeju (my name)

I struggled between Sangwoo and Taeju for a place on the list, and in the end I had to go with my boy Taeju. I simply have too much at stake in his well-being to not make him a priority on my list of favorite characters. He's mysterious, only because we know literally nothing about him. We're lucky we know his name, to be honest. We're lucky we got as much as we did. But we got just enough to get invested. And I have, and will continue to go to bat for him for as long as I live.

Honorable mentions:

The entire Manyang gang, you expect me to choose? (beyond evil)

Yoon Donghoon (my name)

Jeon Pildo (my name)

Yooyi (deliver us from evil)

Kim Innam (deliver us from evil)

Player 062/the math teacher (squid game) -- i almost put this bitch on the main list, I cannot lie

Cho Sangwoo (squid game)

Hwang Inho (squid game)

Hong Namil (dr. brain)

Lee Kangmu (dr. brain)

Gong Soohyuk (the silent sea)

Perry Park (kill me heal me)

I will tag @hakjoos, @bobafvcks, @godotismissingx, @noxdwn, @aellanyx, and @leonnamc

[pure-kirarin]

Slow & Steady [P6] [Sabo x f!reader] (+18)

A/N : Hello ! I wanted to start by thanking you guys for the AMAZING responses on chapter 5. This makes me want to continue investing in this story !! I read all of your messages and I cherish them, they make me want to continue. I'd also like to thank my beta reader for her hard work. I hope that you will enjoy this chapter as much as the others.

Please always tell me your opinion as it’s my kryptonite ! Also feel free to ask to get tagged.

Synopsis : Isn’t love a matter of timing after all ?  That’s what Sabo has always thought. It was about finding the right tempo, making the right moves and hitting the right spot. Patience is a virtue after all, and he had a lot of it. It all started when your ex cheated on you. You were heartbroken, you needed someone and he was there. Was he always that hot ? You didn’t know. But after that night you have never seen him in the same way. Chapter Warning : Smoking (cigarettes) - mention of ex relationships AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/31877203/chapters/81748033

P I - P2 - P3 - P4 - P5 - P6

I made a playlist for this chapter but I suggest you listen to it after ! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3posJHlUg1XFJzQbPkjF0J

------

The crimson-haired man ceased to look at you, as if it hurt to do so. Your lack of response discouraged him. How could it be otherwise? You had created a narrative where he was a cheater, believed in it, ended the relationship - all of this without him knowing; without him even doubting it. It was ironic enough that he who saw so clearly in the future, he who knew how to read people’s moves so easily was totally blind when it came to love. Or maybe had he tried to blind himself? To overlook the fact that you weren’t answering your phone anymore? To find excuses upon excuses for you? He had always been that type of person after all. As a big brother, as a “responsible” person, it was second nature to him to bottle up his feelings and to never lose composure. And even in this moment, he couldn’t tell you how much your actions hurt him.

But for once, he accepted the fact that he saw a future that you weren’t a part of. Deep down, he knew that by overlooking the signs and hints, he has also played a role in the downfall of your relationship.

He saw it too clearly: you weren’t his anymore. Just like when you excluded him from the decision making, choosing to put an end to your relationship on your own - you didn’t even have the courage to tell him that yourself. He had to do the same: fill in the gaps and read between the lines. He remained silent for a moment. He got up from his seat when he gave up on you saying anything.

He moved towards the door, ready to leave all your shared memories behind his back.

People don’t always get the closure they need in order to move on, he knew that too well.

“Katakuri,” you called for his name weakly. He didn’t know if it was his imagination or if you had really pronounced his name. He turned his head towards you, unimpressed.

Your heart was pounding hard in your chest. You knew that if you let him go now you would regret it forever. You knew that you had to tell him about everything. He deserved it, after all. It was hard to be the bad guy of the story. But you had been a bitch and you had to face the consequences of your behavior. Wasn’t that what being an adult meant?

“There is something else that I think you need to know,” He seemed interested now. He was listening to you without turning your way.

“I apologize for everything that I have done and I know that you will probably not forgive me and honestly, if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't either.” You took a deep breath before going on. “What I am going to say might be hard to hear, but I feel like you need to know it.”

You don’t know exactly how the rest followed, nor how you found the courage to tell him about everything. You didn’t get to any details, it would have been too cruel, but you told him what he needed to know.

“I am really sorry, but I think that it’s best for us to split up. My feelings have changed, I have caused enough damage as it is. I think that it’s better for both of us. I am really sorry I hurt you.”

You looked down and from this angle you couldn’t see his smile. It was bitter, the smile of someone that had seen all of this coming. And yet, he was relieved that you confided in him. It was the closure he needed after all. At least now, he could move on.

* * *

The cigarette trembled between your index and middle finger. Your head was clouded. It took too much effort to try and empty your head, to try not to think of what was going to happen. You had lost so much already and what you were going to lose was beyond repair. With every breath you took, you felt your stomach contract and your legs get weaker. It was one of those days when you wished you hadn't woken up. Despite all of this, a feeling of peace submerged you. Peace? Maybe because you had been honest to your ex, maybe because you were trying to be honest to yourself. What got you into this situation was your indecision after all. You didn’t want to hide anymore.

If you can’t see it, then it doesn’t exist. This mentality of yours had to change and you were going to change it tonight. It was the best opportunity, it had to happen, you had to grow. Maybe to some extent, your “romantic” failures weren’t all to blame on others, maybe you also played a role, maybe you weren’t ready yet. Didn’t Sabo say the same thing?

“I thought that you stopped a long time ago.”

A firm voice broke your trance. His hand snitched the cigarette from your lips before putting it out with the sole of his shoe.

“Hey!” You whined in protest, features softening when you were met with his dark eyes.

“I did quit. But I was stressed,” you tried to justify yourself. “I needed it.” You mumbled.

“Bullshit. You always have the choice.” He shrugged and took place next to you on the sidewalk.

Choices, decisions, you were already done with all of this. An awkward silence swallowed the atmosphere, but it seemed as if it was only awkward for you.

Now that you had nothing to do with your fingers and mouth, you started scratching at your wrist slightly - a nervous tic.

The ambience of the park offered you, however, a feeling of safety. The darkness hid your embarrassment. He was now sitting next to you and it was as if words deserted your mind. He didn’t want to pressure you, he didn’t say anything. Under the moonlight, his blond hair took on a silvery shade. He kept looking in front of him, hands in his pockets. Silence didn’t bother him, he knew that something was wrong, otherwise you wouldn’t have texted him to come to the park at around midnight.

Truth is, you couldn’t calm down, you felt like you had to come clear about this whole situation, you felt like you had to make a decision. You felt that if you let today pass, then you would find one hundred excuses and hide again.

It was now or never.

“Sabo,” you started.

“Y/N,” he mirrored your answer.

“I’m going to tell you something... But please don’t judge me, alright?”

“Have I ever judged you?” He arched an eyebrow, his eyes meeting yours, making you switch your gaze almost instantly.

“Well... You have... Like that time I used the microwave at your place…”

“Y/N, you microwaved a fork…” You fake pouted as you playfully punched his arm.

“Well, the fork was in the bowl and Ace was there and he didn’t say anything! Not my fault.”

“And you trusted Ace?” he smiled and held your wrist to stop you. “He’s a living disaster. You guys can’t do anything without me, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah. What would I do without my Mr. know-it-all of a best friend?” you laughed it off.

Best friend. That word reminded you of the reason why you contacted him so late. You coughed two times, trying to switch his attention to you. Laughing things off helped ease the atmosphere. You twirled a hair strand around your finger then started as if you were going to give a speech.

“Hey, I’m gonna try to... be decisive…”

“That’s some character development.”

“Sabo!”

“Sorry, couldn’t help myself,” he said with a sweet smile. You sighed and started bouncing your leg nervously.

“So If I called you tonight it’s not to have the pleasure of your company… and it’s not to rip you off your precious hours of sleep... It’s also not to... ”

Noticing that you were starting to diverge from the topic, he held your hand in his softly and gave you an encouraging look. Honestly speaking, he didn’t have much patience around others but he had loads of it with you.

“I called you for something else. And don’t you dare hang up on me next time! I want to have a serious conversation about…everything, about us, and most importantly about…” you sighed before continuing “About my ex situation.”

He took his hand off yours now that you seemed calmer. He was surprised by your willingness to talk about such matters. It was a pleasant surprise to him, it meant that you wanted to take things in hand, that you were growing.

“I’m listening to you.”

“I thought that it was only fair for you to know as well... that I fucked up pretty badly. I assumed that my ex cheated on me and as it turns out, he didn’t. I just learned it this evening so I feel very confused and bad. It’s a long story. It was just me, assuming things because I was scared and because I feared confrontation. Then everything happened so fast between you and me... I shouldn’t have... I feel very ashamed. For him, for you, for acting so immature.”

Your voice cracked and you couldn’t hold your tears any more. You looked down and started wiping your tears with both hands on your face. You didn’t want to cry in front of him because you had caused him pain as well. Sometimes not taking action is also an action and it has consequences.

You didn’t dare look at him, did he look disappointed? Did he stop loving you? After all, you didn’t even know the reason behind his love. Maybe he was “playing games” too as that anon suggested on Reddit. No, you couldn’t afford to assume things again now. You had to be honest, raw, vulnerable. You couldn’t see his reaction through your tears, but you felt his hand on the top of your head, gently bringing you towards him, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Wow, this really sucks.” You were surprised by his reaction, but the fact that it wasn’t one of disappointment as well as his easy-going demeanour released your stress. You started sobbing, shoulders shaking. He didn’t know how to react at first, but one thing he knew for sure: you came first, and he hated to see you cry.

“Shh... Here, here... It’s okay to cry... Let it all out...” He then continued “It’s going to turn out just fine. You can count on me, okay?”

“I was a really bad person. I should’ve acted differently. I should’ve at least told you... or Nami or someone... but I just... assumed things... I was so scared that you’d stop... that you’d stop being my... friend... And stop loving me…”

His grip tightened around your shoulder as he pressed you a bit closer to him. He offered you a warm smile as he spoke in the same light note.

“Well, whatever happened, happened. I don’t think that you are a bad person. You’re human and you made a mistake that you’re now aware of. I know that you had no ill intentions. At least you learned something, hm? And about me... Aren’t you underestimating me a bit?” He smiled in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Did you forget that I’m Luffy and Ace’s brother? I’m tough, you know.”

You were overwhelmed by his kindness, and this just made you realize that it wasn’t only about your feelings, you couldn’t count on everyone else to put up with you and clear up your mess.

“Sabo, you’re so kind.” Despite your mascara running under your eyes and you looking like a total mess, he found you incredibly beautiful. He felt proud, he knew how hard it was for you to go through all of this. He felt like it was worth it that he had loved you for this long, you were honest and strong, even if you weren’t aware of that strength, you had proven it in this moment.

“I’m not being kind.” He meant it; after all, his intentions weren’t all that innocent towards you, he had wanted you from the start. “I’m just being truthful, as your best friend.”

Maybe he wanted more, but he was content being your friend as well. Since for him everything needed time, he had no right to rush you.

Love is a matter of timing after all. Too fast and all of his subtle efforts would go to waste.

“About that... I mean... The “best friends” part...” He could easily see your chest heaving with your breath. Your heartbeat raising little by little until it was unbearable, your lower lip slightly trembling as you dreaded the weight of the words you were going to pronounce. He looked at you with genuine interest and curiosity; he laid off a bit, turning your way.

“I don’t think that we could act this way anymore...” You dug your nails into the palm of your hand nervously.

“I... told Katakuri about everything. I told him that I couldn’t be with him anymore because of how things have changed. I can’t be here and pretend that nothing happened when so much did…”

“Nothing has changed for me.” He said in a stable voice, trying to anticipate your reaction. Despite being sure of himself, of every step he had taken till now, he felt a hint of uncertainty, for this was a variable that he hadn’t taken into consideration.

“But everything changed for me, and I can’t ignore it. I can’t continue to play pretend... Of course it was convenient for me... And I didn’t wanna lose... Whatever it is that we have. But I didn’t realize that it had already changed. I can’t be your friend anymore, Sabo. Not like this. Not with these thoughts in mind. Not after…” Y our eyes flicked from his lips to his eyes and back. “After... everything we did.”

You didn’t give more reasons, but your eyes gave one hundred more.

We can’t be friends because I touched myself to the thought of you. Because I can’t help but think about being with you. Because I don’t stand the thought of you being with someone else. Because I love the way your arms fit around me. Because I love everything about you, from the way you say my name to these stupid blond eyelashes that reflect the light everytime you blink. And most importantly... because I love your way of loving me unconditionally.

As much as I want you...

As much as you want me back...

I can’t be with you, not now, because it would hurt me and hurt you even more, because I have to make a decision, because I can’t draw the line between love and lust and because I am afraid to wrong you in the way I was wronged.

But just for a moment, just for this time, you wanted to kiss him just one last time. You wanted to get intoxicated by that mint smell that you have grown addicted to. He looked at you as he drank your words, eyes reflecting the darkness of the sky. His piercing gaze seemed to understand your dilemma. Suddenly, the emptiness of the park felt too weighty and the air too heavy.

“Say something,” you pleaded, almost begging him to break the silence.

To words, he preferred actions. Before you even realized, he captured your lips into the kiss you were longing for. His hand was fast to encircle your back, pressing your upper body against his. Your fingers instinctively reached for the fabric of his shirt, tugging on it as to pull him closer. For him to kiss you so passionately, it only made you realize his burning desire for you. The more you kissed in an attempt to ease your craving, the hungrier you got for his lips, for his stupid minty taste. But it wasn’t nearly enough for you, the growing warmth and tingles created a desire that you were unable to appease yet. You pressed your legs together when his free hand gently rubbed your thigh. He kissed you deeply, almost willing you into giving up on your decision to give in to his embrace. He was indeed that good of a kisser, making you want to shift into his lap and have him inside of you. You whined at this thought growing more eager, tongue chasing his, teeth nibbling on his lips. But you eventually had to break the kiss, even when you prayed for the seconds to last for hours, it was bound to end. You took a moment to collect your breath again. His eyes were demanding, pupils dilated and greedy, yours were more modest, shifty.

“Looked like you were dying for it.”

He broke the silence, finger tracing your neck before lifting up your chin, making you lose composure as you looked into his deep gaze. It was too late to deny it, you were indeed dying for it. But instead of satiating you, that kiss felt like the promise of something forbidden. You only groaned meekly as an answer, feeling too weak to actively protest. You indulged in his embrace, resting your head in the crease of his neck. You breathed in his scent, even his hair smelled fresh like mint. As you took in a bigger gulp of air, you could inhale the subtleties of a thyme or violet underlying smell. What shampoo did he use? Another diverging thought that you discarded.

You closed your eyes. “Can we stay like this for a little longer?” you asked, and who was he to deny you so little? He revelled in your desperate need for his touch. He felt needed, wanted, but he knew that he shouldn’t get carried away, he knew that it wasn’t the right timing yet. So he just let you sink into his warmth. For now.

You peeled yourself off of him reluctantly. Your eyes avoided his. Nice progress ,he thought, but there was still need for improvement.

“I can’t be selfish, not anymore. I have to make a decision. I am sorry I can’t make up my mind yet.” Your voice cut through the silence, firm, yet not devoid of sensitivity.

You needed time, it was clear, but he was nothing if not patient with you. He was ready to settle for your friendship for now while he worked for your love, but he liked your idea more. He wasn’t one to push his emotions onto you, he was there to lead the dance, to toss a bottle into the sea. If good news came then good for him, if nothing came out then he had gambled and lost. But he wasn’t as detached and passive as things might have seemed, as he took multiple variables into consideration to place his best bet.

“Take all the time you need.” Not an ounce of annoyance was to be detected in his voice. It was steady, a rock that couldn’t be moved. He had what it took, he knew what he wanted and he was ready to wait for it because he had the deep belief that you were worth the wait.

“Why are you so patient? Don’t you think you’re too confident? Aren’t you scared? ” It was genuine curiosity, but you bit your tongue realizing that your words might’ve seemed cocky or doubting. His lips stretched into a roguish smile, making him devastatingly handsome. And here he was, a Sabo that you had encountered a few times between two eyelash beats. It was so destabilizing, the way he morphed into a totally different person from one second to another, giving you a strange feeling. It was something that you couldn’t fully place yet. He kept escaping from your grip while being totally still. He was like sand between your fingers and you were fascinated by the prospect of catching him.

“I thought that it was obvious, doll.” Here he goes again, calling you sweet names and raising the rhythm of your heartbeats. How did he make everything sound good? You would’ve scoffed at anyone else calling you ‘doll’, but that voice of his made it sound oh so appealing. Or maybe it was the seed of desire that he had planted in your core, that was now growing and blossoming, vines intertwining with your lungs.

He got closer again, black eyes scrutinizing yours.

“You can have all the time you need. What I want is simple, non-negotiable, immutable.”

At first he was startled; your ex appearing out of nowhere seemed like an inconvenience, but after giving it some thought, he realized that he was in luck. He didn’t have to make you choose, the choice was there for you to make.

“And what is it that you want?”

“You. But all of you.” He looked you up and down as he said this then got up. He wasn’t the type to settle for less. He wanted no compromises, no half-open doors, no half assed answers. If he wanted something then it was all of it, out of respect for you and for himself. Another reason was probably that he knew: the longer the chase, the bigger the prize.

He got up since he considered that the conversation was over now and it was also getting late. You looked at him, eyes wide open, cheeks aflame. His voice trailed off, cutting through the silence.

“No rush, I think that it’s better for you to focus on your exams for now. Will you manage without my help?” Another charming smile, shifting back to that playful Sabo you have always known. The mood felt less serious now.

“I think I’ll do just fine this time…” you smiled gently, following his lead.

“Good, then. Good night.” He put his hand on your head, softly ruffling your hair before turning back. He seemed a bit more distant now, like he was plunged into some deep reverie. You instinctively got up, looking intensely at his back slowly fading into the darkness. Before his silhouette got completely enveloped, you shouted.

“Sabo!”

He turned back instantly and you threw something in the air towards him. He was quick to catch it.

“I don’t think I need these anymore. Take them!”

He opened his hands, looking at the packet of menthol cigarettes and a blue lighter. He put it into his back pocket prior to giving you a proud smile. He then continued his way back home, leaving you behind. You felt both relieved because things had gotten a bit clearer, yet apprehensive since your feelings were still very much unclear. But maybe what you felt above all was exhaustion. You looked for a moment at your empty hands. Did you make the right choice? Whether it was good or bad, you couldn’t care less. At least you had acted true to yourself.

tag list : @chloenanami @mwls-garden @soanywaysistartedsimping @portgaslari @lofi-coffee @donvampiro @fishandfuck @vemuabhi @gabrielasalazar18 @kiriechanx

[shijiujun]

Time for some BL/Danmei novel recs! 

You guys have probably (maybe) seen my novels list here - [X] - but it’s more for my own tracking than anything else, so here’s a brief list (I’ll probably do full ones of the ones I really love in another post, probably on Minmo).

The ones elaborated on below with the asterisks are the novels I’ve actually finished reading.

*since everyone more or less knows MXTX’s works - TGCF, MDZS and SVSSS, I’ll skip those!

1. SCI 迷案集 | SCI Mystery Series by 耳雅*

Summary: Bai Yutang and Zhan Zhao are childhood friends and rivals that end up working together under the newly established SCI unit as co-leads, with Bai Yutang providing the brawn as Captain and Zhan Zhao the brains as Vice Captain and the team’s resident genius psychologist. They solve cases together and slowly unravel a wider conspiracy that involves their parents’ generation and beyond. At the same time they also realize that they’re meant for each other!

Other CPs: Bai Jintang (Bai Yutang’s older brother) & the medical examiner, Gongsun Ce, Bai Chi (Bai Yutang’s younger cousin) & magician Zhao Zhen, and at least three other gay pairings, one of which is considered another main couple of sorts from Vol. 2 onwards

Status: Incomplete (Began in 2010, author is still going on strong with one chapter every one or two months, we’re halfway through Vol. 5 right now and it’s been 10 years ;-; Love that the author is going on strong!! Everyone on JJWXC are like “please author it’s okay if you go slow as long as you keep going we’re here for you” and jfc I understand the fear of this not completing, also when will Vol. 5 be completed and printed?!! I need to complete the collection)

Translations: Unfortunately, only the first volume has been translated well so far on novel updates. The one on Wattpad seems to have caught up, but I would not recommend that one.

Drama/Live-Action: Season 1 was filmed and released in 2018 under the same name with slightly changed names for the characters. Season 2 was supposed to start filming this month but... oh well. First season basically covered Vol. 1 novel from start to end.

*I love this one only because it was my very first danmei and so it’ll forever have a special place in my heart, and also because it’s still ongoing so ya know, I relive how much I love this every month

2. 成化十四年 | Cheng Hua’s Fourteenth Year (The Sleuth of Ming Dynasty) by 梦溪石*

Summary: Tang Fan, a prefectural judge, and Sui Zhou, a high ranking officer in the Embroidered Uniform Guards, meet while trying to solve a murder case. Both of them end up partnering very well together, Sui Zhou ends up inviting Tang Fan to live with him, and the rest is history. Through their days living together and solving cases + a larger conspiracy involving the royal palace, they fall in love. Adding to this mix is also Wang Zhi, a powerful, young eunuch who befriends the pair, and the three of them basically help the crown prince to overcome challenges and his enemies to become the next Emperor

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: Ongoing on several websites. I’m only translating relationship highlights, but here’s an introduction post I did for it, if you guys would like somewhere to start without getting too invested - [X]

Drama/Live-Action: The Sleuth of Ming Dynasty was released earlier this year, directed by Jackie Chan and starring Darren Chen and Paul Fu, but cases are a little different and there are new characters in the show that weren’t from the novel etc.

3. 杀破狼 | Shapolang by Priest*

Summary: Set in a steampunk universe where flying boats named ‘kites’ and flying armour exist. Young teenager Chang Geng lives with his mother and stepfather - the former abuses him and the latter neglects him, and the only person that he cares about (and cares about him) is Shen Shiliu, his (very young) godfather. He realizes his identity as a royal prince when the Man tribe invades his city and Shen Shiliu, whose real name is Gu Yun, turns out to be an army general whose duty was to protect Chang Geng in secret (among other things). 

Chang Geng has been critically poisoned by his mother (who’s not actually his birth mother, if I recall she’s an aunt) which leads to him getting terrible dreams frequently with the end result of him being driven into insanity, while Gu Yun is half blind, half deaf due to poisoning + injury when he was much younger, and he can only regain his hearing and sight fully when he takes a medicine that is slowly losing its effectiveness with every dosage he has.

The both of them navigate learning about each other again, falling in love a few years later when Chang Geng is all grown up and also unravel conspiracies and fight bad guys (both external threats and internal as in the current Emperor and other parties) XD

*Note: The age old debate is that Gu Yun ‘preyed’ on and also ‘groomed’ Chang Geng, but I disagree and stand by the fact that Gu Yun was 90% of the time not around while Chang Geng grew from a teenager to a young adult as he was fighting wars elsewhere, while Chang Geng refused to stay at the Gu manor and insisted on running around, travelling on his own and seeing the world for a few years before they met again. And it was Chang Geng who’d always loved Gu Yun and devoted himself to caring about him, making advances on him etc. when he became an adult

Other CPs: Shen Yi (Gu Yun’s second-in-command) & Chen Qingxu (a renowned physician who ends up healing both Chang Geng and Gu Yun of their ailments) 

Status: Complete!

Translations: Fully translated the last I heard, it’s up there in the list of holy grail BL/danmei novels, so I’m sure it’s done hahaha.

Drama/Live-Action: Filming in progress!

*This is up there in the hall of fame for danmei novels for more than just the amazing content and writing - It’s also famous for being one of the most complex novels ever. I don’t know how the translations team did it because DAMN it was complex and I read all my novels in Chinese without much issues but I was honestly STRUGGLING WITH this one and I went through some existential crisis while reading because I was like ‘did I ever learn Chinese, am I even Chinese’ XD

4. 默读 | Silent Reading by Priest*

Summary: Luo Wenzhou, a police captain, and his team including best friend and partner Tao Ran, face a few challenging cases that end up being small parts of a larger conspiracy, and end up having to consult with Fei Du, a flamboyant, charming and flirty, young and rich CEO, who Luo Wenzhou describes as someone who is an expert at ‘crimes’. Not deduction, not solving crimes, but someone who is familiar with how the murderer or culprits would commit crimes. Both Luo Wenzhou and Tao Ran know Fei Du well, because they first met when Fei Du was in high school, when he called the police because his mother had hanged herself in the house, and since then Tao Ran and Luo Wenzhou look out for him, spending holidays with him, giving him presents here and there. Luo Wenzhou and Fei Du overcome their misunderstandings of each other and fall in love while solving all the cases and the larger conspiracy behind it.

Other CPs: Tao Ran and someone he knew first from his school days or was a neighbour when he was younger, I can’t remember, but they meet again at a blind date and end up living in the same building on different floors XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: Complete!! There’s a huge post floating around on Tumblr with all the links (I can’t find it right now) and on Twitter you can also find the collated, epub versions etc.

Drama/Live-Action: Rights for a live-action was signed, no casting confirmation or set dates yet

5. 犯罪心理 | Criminal Psychology by 长洱*

Summary: Police captain Xing Conglian drags psychologist Lin Chen out of seclusion/hiding to solve a case that is indirectly tied to him. Lin Chen was involved in a case a few years ago that led to four deaths - these four victims were the sons/daughters of four of the five huge old-money (super rich) families in the country and these family members sought to make Lin Chen’s life very difficult for him afterwards by making him lose all the jobs he can find, by surveilling his every move and ensuring that he’s not happy etc. Because of that, he backed out of the police force as well and quietly lived as a school dorm administrator, which is where Xing Conglian finds him a few years later. Lin Chen fakes his death after the first case (not deliberately but kind of a by-the-way thing), but as fate would have it, he ends up meeting Xing Conglian on another case, and he decides that he’ll move in with him and also involve himself again, consequences be damned, and they fall in love!

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: I think it’s not complete yet.

Drama/Live-Action: None that I know of.

6. 死亡万花筒 | Kaleidoscope of Death by 西子绪* (MY ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE)

Summary: Supernatural setting where people who are about to die get a second chance to live. These individuals are either in the midst of a dangerous situation (for e.g. a shootout or a deadly mugging incident) or are about to get into accidents (for e.g. an entire bus going off a bridge or a chandelier dropping from above and crushing the person underneath) or are ill (recently diagnosed with cancer or are terminally ill with a condition for e.g.) - The list is endless, and in the situation between life and death, 12 doors will appear before them. 

It is said that once these individuals finish all 12 doors, they will truly get a second chance at life and survive whatever cause of death they were imminently facing. 

Each door represents a creepy, supernatural mystery, and Lin Qiushi finds himself in a strange place after opening a door when he was trying to enter his apartment one day. He meets Ruan Baijie, a beautiful, tall woman who he happens to meet, and they realize that in this strange world, he and other individuals who came through the door have to complete a given task, find a key and an exit door, and make it out alive. The others in the team (some of which have already gone through several doors) explain to Lin Qiushi, who is a first-timer, what the doors are about. 

The catch is, if they die inside the door, in the real world, they’ll die immediately, by accident, throwing themselves off a building, or just throwing up blood until they die (just to name a few)

On the first night, however, three people are slaughtered and eaten by a long-haired ghost/creature. The good news is, Ruan Baijie isn’t all that she seems to be (for one, she’s not exactly a woman) and she takes a liking to Lin Qiushi immediately.

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: I think it’s not complete yet!

Drama/Live-Action: None that I know of, but honestly, this novel would be fricking EPIC as a live-action, and really creepy, but this is my all-time favourite novel, I kid you not!!!!

*I’m definitely doing a longer and more detailed to-read for KOD on my translation account, gosh you guys have no idea how much I love this.

7. 当年万里觅封侯 | Those Years in Quest of Honor Mine by 漫漫何其多

Summary: Yu She and Gu Wan were close friends for a short period of time when they were younger, but unfortunately their identities and positions meant that they were opponents. Yu She’s family was for the Second Prince and Gu Wan was taken in by the Sixth Prince’s family, but in the end it was the Second Prince who ended up getting to the throne, while the Sixth Prince was accused of treason and died somewhere far away at war after being captured. Gu Wan’s only wish was to keep the Fifth Prince’s children - Xuan Rui and a pair of twins, Xuan Yu and Xuan Congxin safe, and so he moves them to another province and asks the Emperor (the Second Prince) to demote Xuan Rui’s status to prove that they are no threat to the Emperor, if only to stay alive for another day.

However, their days of hardship have only just begun, and Gu Wan decides to namedrop Yu She, whose family is so powerful now, and claims that Yu She loves him and that he was wooing Gu Wan back in the days they knew each other so that officials and others would treat the children under his care better. A few years pass and Yu She doesn’t expose Gu Wan. Gu Wan thinks they can go on like this forever, until the Emperor asks Xuan Rui and the twins to head back to the palace for a visit.

Gu Wan meets Yu She again, but the boy he knew, who was gentle, a stickler for rules and a proper, well-mannered person, has changed almost completely. Cue palace conspiracies again, brothers fighting for the throne, scheming consorts etc. XD 

Other CPs: None XD

Status: Complete!

Translations: I think it’s not complete yet but I’m not super sure on this

Drama/Live-Action: None that I know of!

*They came out with a new reprint edition three days ago and it’s gorgeous! And comes with amazing freebies, and I am a sucker and read it on the day of the printed novel release because I saw the art and loved it, wanted to see if the story was any good, and damn after chapter 2 I WAS GONE and then I checked out two copies from different stores for the two different sets of freebies 

--

A list of those I haven’t read but I see are highly raved about:

1. 二哈和他的白猫师尊 | The Husky & His White Cat Shizun by Meatbun

- I’ve already been spoiled and I know what goes on mostly, and there are a lot of warnings for a reason, but I’m still a fan, and let’s not get into the debate on the content, I know I have to read this but the angst level is apparently ridiculous, so I need like some mental preparation before I sit down for it.

2. 千秋 | A Thousand Autumns by 梦溪石

3. 烈火浇愁 | Lie Huo Jiao Chou by Priest

4. 将进酒 | Qiang Jing Jiu by 唐酒卿

- A really good group of translators picked this up initially on Twitter, but then assholes were complaining that they were being too slow and insisting that machine translation (MTL) did an equally good and faster job, so the OG dropped it, and then another nice team picked it up, but MTL team is still being an asshole XD I’ve heard really good things about this one, it’s apparently quite complex as well, I’d liken it to Shapolang level? But it might be even more complex (with a lot of politics and stuff), so much so that apparently the printed novel comes with a relationship/character chart so readers are at any point in time clear on the characters which is like amazing XD

[killemwithkawaii]

HEYA SENPAI 💅💅💅 So I recently saw Popcorn's ask and want to admit that I too am into stuffing in a fetish way! I wanted to ask if you were into it too, since I noticed that you didn't say! It's totally fine if you're not, or don't wanna answer it, since it can take lots of courage to admit something like that. It personally took me about seven years to admit anything to anyone, when I first realized my super-secret kink. So, what do you think about it? Are you invested in it yourself? - 🍡

>🍿 ANON YOU HEAR THAT WE FOUND YOU A KINDRED SPIRIT IN KINK IN LESS THAT 24 HOURS HOLY SHIT THIS IS BEAUTIFUL IM HONESTLY A LITTLE CHOKED UP IRL GIMME A HUG GUYS 😭🤗💖💖💖

>I'm proud of both of you tbh! It's hard to accept, love and be open about the less 'socially-acceptable' parts of yourself, especially when it comes to sexual preferences/tastes. That's a big part of this blog, and I'm happy you both feel comfortable talking about it here :D

>I did a lot of thinking about it after receiving these asks, and while I don't get any sexual gratification from stuffing, I think I do kind of enjoy it, in a way??

>I've mentioned before that one of my main love languages is feeding people- I LOVE to cook/bake for my friends and loved ones, make sure I have their favorite snacks on-hand, find out what their favorite foods are so I can find recipes and make it for them etc. One of my favorite moments in life is getting to see them try that first bite of the food I made with them in mind- when they bite into it and their eyes get wide and they stop mid-chew to take another big bite, maybe with an eye roll, and they say something like, 'oh my god, this is SO GOOD!' and they finish it right then and there. It's a major bonus if they confess to me later that they came back for seconds (or even more) because they couldn't help themselves, or, if I baked them a loaf of bread for example, they tell me they finished the whole thing in a day or two because they just couldn't stop themselves from cutting another slice! It makes me feel really good to know that they enjoyed it so much that hunger wasn't really a factor in eating it, they just ate it because it was so delicious and enjoyable to eat.

>I would LOVE to cook or bake something special for Sally, see him have that 'this is so good!' moment, and watch him help himself to more until he realizes he miiight have overdone it a little and ends up in a mild food coma (maybe with an undone belt to complete the vibe). I think it would be really cute, and it would make me really happy knowing he enjoyed the food I made for him so much that he kind of forgot himself for a minute ^w^

>However, I don't think I'd want to encourage/force him to eat more than he wants to, have him be seriously uncomfortable or in pain because he's so full, or want him to gain a visible amount of weight because of how much he's eating, and it's definitely more an affectionate/romantic thing than a sexual thing for me.

>But, I can definitely understand how it could be, and wouldn't judge you and 🍿 anon at all for enjoying the things I listed above that I wouldn't personally enjoy. From what I understand, the appeal of stuffing (sexual or otherwise) is indulgence in a pleasurable innate behavior (eating) beyond basic need (satisfaction of hunger), sometimes to the point that the pleasure results in displeasure (feeling stuffed). It can also result in immobilization (similar to the appeal of bondage) and gives a feeling of control and/or being a good provider for the feeder, as well as a feeling of being controlled and/or being taken care of for the feedee. These are all very basic elements of BDSM/kink, and I think it's pretty natural that our basic needs (such as eating and making sure our loved ones are fed) would get mixed with sexual feelings. 👍

>This was a very interesting self-examination for me and an honestly fascinating dive into a kink I hadn't given much thought to! I'd love to hear more thoughts from you both (what you specifically find appealing about stuffing, if you'd like to share any scenarios/imagines now that you know you've got a fellow kinkster to talk with, if I hit the mark with this examination, etc.) or if anybody else would like to confess/discuss their kinks, I'm very open to that as well! c:

>You have officially been added to the Anon signoff claim list, 🍡 anon! Welcome to the club! ^^

[cosmik-homo]

Some of the basics to automod/droid's rights theory, in my version of star wars where that's a movement or at least a community, is: the Discerning Stimulation theory. It's not anything, new, it's just the result of in universe analysis and wording of some realities of droid existence and oppression, like real world political theories come based on observation and deconstruction of it. Basically, you know how droids gain more personality the longer they go without memory wipes?

That's because the more time they have, the more input they collect. The more input, the more connection they form. Since droids can be harmed, and even easier, they can be inconvenienced, eventually they're gonna start connecting some input to their own functioning, beyond what their coding dictates. Say you're, idk, a mouse droid. In your coding Sound Of Boots= People= get out of the way. Wrapper on the floor = Garbage = take away. But maybe there is some bitch in heels on the deck that is very mean and kicks you, or one specific kind of wrapper that gets stuck in your wheels more than others. eventually, if you remember your exposure to elements, even when you're basically mindless and store bought, some purely utilitarian learning mechanism will make you update your code to consider Paper = Disruption or Heels= Pain. And once you gain the ability to form any new opinion, once you can start telling Heels from Boots, or Space Nylon from Space Brown Paper Bags, you're gonna start noticing other sounds, and the more you go on the more skill you will build with judging input for potential correlations on your own parameters, until eventually you basically have a brain that can decide to tell apart Jizz music from Space Ska just in case you might need it, even though your code never told you, and since you're much better at recognizing annoyance or satisfaction, the road from here to deciding you like jizz more than you like ska is short- either you have some hindbrain memory that claims swishy sounds are always better than scratchy sounds, y'know, like organic Psychoanalysis, or just. At some points you start forming so many connections and parameters per minutes that some of them just become statistically insignificant bullshit, like "one time there was this one thing and I was not having a good time, two times there was this one thing and I was not having a good time- urgh come on how can you bear that garbage, I prefer this other thing."

I can expand- the reason droids working with other beings are quicker to reach this than those that only communicate with one hub that connects them is that once you have two brains making increasingly more personal connections based on their specific data sets the odds of two disagreeing and starting to fight and through that realizing more and more of their personality is higher. It's why if you look in canon threepio is back to being his old bitchy self, if a more clueless version, quite quickly after each memory wipe- artoo's greatest pride and joy in life is starting petty disagreements with him, and the fact he knows his droid sentience theory and is doing some of it on purpose sure helps.

But anyways, the many elaborations I can make on this take on what star wars lore calls "metaprogramming" actually is are not the important subject right now.

What I want you to know is that the droid activist community in my version of star wars extrapolates from this is that the more sensations a droid can experience, the more potential they have for developing the full, free, more vibrant individuality.

Which is why Whittle (WXT-11), my oc DUM pit droid with a lot of experience and a human friend a bit too invested in droid rights stuff, is very intent on discovering droid equivalents for a range of flavours and effects, and not only dreams of finding out ways to make material consumption for droids varied and enjoyable and wants to open a fuel-and-charge bar-and-eatery for droids only,

He also eventually creates droid redbull and almost blows himself up with a wrong amount for his cheap little body.

[let-them-read-fics]

Youth With You

Pairing: Lisa x Fem!Reader

Word Count: ~ 3,113

HC Count: 31

This is a mix between headcanons and a one shot

Warnings / Misc. -- Fluff, Little Hot & Heavy, (Public) Teasing, Happy Ending

Disclaimer: This writing is a work of fiction, and no disrespect is meant for those mentioned herein.

A/N: Hey everyone! Here’s my first writing for Lisa; I’m pretty proud of it! Feel free to let me know what you think. Happy reading, I hope you enjoy!

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Becoming a new trainee was terrifying in every sense of the word. The media, the practices, the tests -- everything. 3 months into your coaching, however, things hit an all time high: you gained the opportunity to enter the competition Youth With You, as an independent trainee. Your freedom and right to expression was important to you, so it wasn’t an accident that you were going in independently. A company would only put pressure and bans on you, restricting your creativity and keeping you from being your most authentic self.

Finding out that Lisa was a mentor only made your nerves worse; at the same time, though, you’d never been more excited for something in your whole life.

Having friends in the industry proved to be an important factor as you prepped for the show. Producers and managers gave you advice, knowing exactly what each of the teachers looked for and demanded from their groups. You worked tirelessly to ready yourself for the whirlwind that was sure to come.

When you arrive at the production building, you’re in awe; the interior is ginormous, with insanely high ceilings and huge doors. Everything is coated in various colors, all of them pristine and beautiful. The labyrinth of halls that winds throughout the building before you is quite intimidating, but you take a deep breath and remind yourself of your reasons for being here. It’s far too important to chicken out now.

The staff had tipped you off to the fact that the mentors would be there today, but they neglected to tell you when. You had surely expected them to come in after everyone got settled. Alas, you were sorely mistaken; thus, you can imagine the surprise that etched into your features upon entering the main room.

Ella and Kun were invested in their papers, flipping through the stacks and whispering to each other; Jony J was turned to his right, chatting with Lisa. Your presence was announced by the rather loud thud that echoed through the room at the closing of the door.

The bright lights nearly blinded you as you turned to face them again, dread creeping into your mind.

“Hello everyone, I’m Y/N. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” The words came out cooler that you had expected, and you patted yourself on the back for remaining so calm. You’re known for managing to hide your nerves well and remain professional, but that’s no easy task with this group of talent. Especially her.

You purposefully tried to avoid looking at her, knowing you’d blush and get majorly sidetracked. You feared you wouldn’t be able to recover from that.

“I see that you’re an independent trainee,” Kun said, a smile spreading across his lips. You swallowed at the sight, knowing the questions were about to come rolling in. “Yes, that’s correct. I prefer working alone; I only have to rely on myself.” He studies you, head tilted to the side as he considers your answer, and you nearly melt under his astute gaze. “I was the same way. It’s never easy, but the mentors and I will be right beside you during your time here.” Knowing that these 4 amazing people were here to share their experiences and guide you through your troubles made the task at hand much less daunting, and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought. Despite the intensity of the competition, you felt at ease, knowing they genuinely want the best for you.

“Ah, look at that face! So cute,” Ella coos, grinning back. You hide your face behind your hands, embarrassed beyond belief. Everyone chuckles at the sight, and you join in. With the atmosphere officially comfortable, you allow your eyes to trail over to Lisa. To your surprise, she’s already looking at you, lip between her teeth. 

“I see that you have 2 special talents listed.” Lisa starts, leaving room for you to elaborate. “Yes ma’am. While studying abroad in my youth, I learned 3 languages in addition to my native English.” The mentors look pleasantly surprised, and you continue with your other skill. “My mother is a professional chef, and we’ve always been close. She’s trained me over the years, and that’s something I’m very thankful for. During my time away from home I was fortunate enough to learn new techniques and styles from across the world.”

As you finish talking about yourself, you look to each and every one of the judges separately. You know it’s important to have a good connection with all of them, and you use this chance to do just that.

Upon locking eyes with Lisa again, your breath hitches. The light blush that rests on her cheeks, combined with the look she’s giving you, is enough to make you swoon. It’s innocent enough, the way she’s watching you; after all, she can just blame it on her role as a teacher -- she has to get a good understanding of her students. However, though, behind the innocent facade lies a much more sensual reason for her behavior. You don’t miss the way her eyes rake up your body, nor her smirk as she notices your hands mindlessly toying with the band of your shorts. You do your best to keep your attention on the others as they ask you questions about your resume, but that’s easier said than done.

Once they’ve finished with their questions, they invite you to take a seat anywhere you’d like. Despite your desire to book it next to Lisa, you don’t want to be impolite; that’s also not to say that you didn’t enjoy the company of the others -- you truly did. Clearly, though, no one can compare to Lisa.

You give them all another smile, the dimples of your cheeks on full display, and approach them one-by-one to shake their hands. They appreciate the gesture, and you’re confident that you’ve won them over that much more.

As you make your way to the seat beside Lisa, your heart beats wildly. It’s difficult, but you manage to suppress your anxiety for the time being. Letting your control slip now is definitely not an option.

In contrast to the heated look she had been giving you just moments before, Lisa now dons an adorable smile that nearly makes your heart burst. In the moment, you almost reach forward to touch her puffed out cheeks. 

You sit down beside her, and she takes a minute to look you over again. It’s baffling how she can go from so wholesome and adorable to flirty in such a short period of time. 

As the time ticks on and the mentors work through the list of contestants, the two of you continue to steal conversations and teasing glances.

Things are ramped up, however, when Lisa’s hand finds its way to your thigh, settling there for a bit. You attempt to push the intrusive thoughts from your mind, but they come flooding back the second she leans in to whisper something into your ear.

“You look gorgeous,” she tells you, warm breath fanning over your neck. Her slight accent only adds to the effect that her words have on you. All you can offer is a breathless thank you, thoughts completely jumbled at having the stunning woman do such things to you.

Before anyone can get suspicious, she backs off. The disappointment must’ve been evident, because she chuckles lightly and pats your knee in response. Thankfully no one had been paying you two any mind.

~~~ Practices ~~~

It wasn’t often that you came into the studio upset or exhausted, considering you knew you’d soon be cheered up once you saw Lisa, but she made sure to take care of you when those times came around. She could read you like a book, easily knowing when you’d had enough and needed a break. That’s not to say that she lowered her standards, though -- she was firm and demanding, but she checked on you often. She respected all of her students, but she couldn’t deny that she had a soft spot for you. You lived for her soft gaze and gentle touches on the days you needed them most.

Other days, though, you got a kick out of teasing her; playing dumb, purposefully missing steps, ignoring her instructions -- anything to pull a reaction from her. 

          ↪“Eyes forward,” she would call out, voice strong, upon catching you talking to a fellow trainee when you were meant to be practicing. Her jaw would be set, eyes menacing.

          ↪“You keep messing up. Here,” she’d declare, demonstrating the moves directly in front of you. She knew exactly what to do to get you going, and sometimes your plans backfired a bit.

          ↪Those times that you’d play dumb were by far the best, both of you secretly loving the back and forth of it all. “I’m sorry, miss. I just can’t seem to get the moves right.” You’d say, appearing innocent and sweet all the while. It was hard to contain yourself when she’d approach you from behind, pressing her body against your own. “One here,” she’d inform, placing your hand on your hip; “...and one here,” she’d finish, correcting your position once again. When the music restarted, she counted next to your ear, keeping time as her warm hands held yours, guiding you through the positions.  

And of course, the majority of the time, you were a great student for her. Her praise had a mighty effect on you, and there existed a mutual love for it. Being a strong dancer often worked in your favor.

~~~ Performances ~~~

Anytime you were set to perform, Lisa made sure to settle in and get ready to enjoy herself. The two of you had spent many weeks getting to know each other better, growing closer in the process. She found you captivating, and always loved to watch you on stage. The same can be said for you; seeing her dance was always the highlight of your day.

The two of you made sure to play things up, having a knack for getting the other riled up and squirming in their seat.

Watching her cool demeanor falter and ultimately crumble before you was one of your favorite things in the whole world. One of its only rivals was how she had to attempt to conceal it, knowing the cameras would be on her often. 

“I-I loved it. I’m very proud of you, Y/N.”

You smirked at her stutter; no one else was capable of making her blush as much as you did

~~~ Bonus: Backstage ~~~

“You all did so well. I loved that dance break in the middle of the song.” You gushed to a group of your fellow contestants, smiling at how happy they were. Over the course of the competition you had become something of a “celebrity” yourself, noticing that the other girls would always approach you for help and get giddy when you agreed. Not to mention that the mentors were always proud of your progress and dedication to the craft. The conversation continued, and you settled into a comfortable rhythm; everyone taking a turn to share their favorite part of their performance. Seeing these girls -- your friends -- so proud of themselves was a wonderful thing. Everyone worked so hard, day in and day out, to put forth their best effort in everything that they did. Celebrating each other’s wins just felt right, despite the fact that this is a competition. It always hurt to see anyone go home, considering you spent so much time getting to know each other. These were the people who were there for you when you needed it most; all of you know how hopeless it can feel, and you wanted to protect the others from that in every way possible. 

“Y/N!” The sound of someone calling your name pulls you from the conversation, and you send a quick bow and goodbye to the girls before departing. 

Your eyes travel across the crowded stage, searching for the source of the noise. You spot Lisa looking at you, hand beckoning you towards her. A familiar warmth spreads across your body at the action, and you don’t even attempt to stop the smile that takes over your features.

“Yes?” You ask sweetly, approaching her. Her hands slip into yours, fingers lacing in a sweet embrace. “I want you to come to my dressing room once everyone goes back to the dorm. You impressed me tonight, but you still have some things to learn.” As that last sentence falls from her lips, your blood runs cold. Her voice had dropped lower, and you feared what she meant by that. Had you mixed up the choreography without realizing it? Surely not. The only thing you were sure of in that moment was the way she was studying you, almost intimidatingly. Her jaw was set, eyes narrowed, and you swallowed thickly upon noticing this. “Of course. I appreciate the feedback.” She smiled, seemingly pleased with your answer.

With a swipe of her thumb across your knuckles, she was gone.

A sigh left your lips, your mind racing at all of the possible things to come.

~~~ Bonus: A Private Meeting ~~~

“You wanted to see me, Lisa?” You announce upon entering the room and shutting the door behind yourself. The two of you had long ago left the formalities behind, opting instead to be on a first name basis. It was much more intimate, and you preferred things to be that way with her. Of course, occasionally you would use her official title just to get a certain reaction out of her. Slipping it into conversation when around the other instructors always worked to get her attention and catch her off guard. It was easy to see that she enjoyed it, the innocent way it rolled off your tongue. 

You sit down in the chair opposite her, feeling the coolness of the leather press against your calves as you get situated.

“Good job tonight; you get better and better with every performance.” You thank her, both well aware of how much you enjoy her praise. Her expression turns more serious, and you take a deep breath. Here goes. “I don’t think it’s wise for you to be so close with some of the other contestants, though. Not all of them are interested in gaining your friendship for the right reasons.” With furrowed eyebrows and slightly pursed lips, you look at her. “What exactly do you mean?” Her expression turns unreadable, and you sink into your seat a little more. “Some of them may want to get into your head to throw you off your game. Despite what you want to believe, Y/N, this is still a contest.” You sigh, now a bit upset that she’s treating you like a child. “I’m aware of that, Lisa, but I can take care care of myself.” At the change in tone, the air around you shifts into something more tense. “Are you sure? Because you seem to be pretty oblivious to their actions.” She bites back, shifting her seat to get a better look at you, and crosses her arms.

When you don’t respond, she takes this as her cue to continue. “Don’t play dumb, Y/N. I see the way they look at you, so entranced. They know that acting helpless will get your attention. It’s just to distract you!” She says, exasperated, jaw set and eyes cut, just like earlier.

“Are you jealous?” You ask, a contrasting tone of accusal and uncertainty in your voice. No turning back now.

She scoffs, rolling her eyes. “Jealous? Of what?” Her eyes setting on you again, a cocky expression on her face.

“Oh, I don’t know,” you start, toying with her; you know exactly what to say. “Maybe at the fact that they get to be so close to me all the time, like you want to be. Or maybe that we sleep together, especially when it gets cold in the dorms.”

It’s her turn to be speechless. “I’m more observant that you act, miss.” She gulps, and you bite back a smirk. “I see how you look at me; your desire is obvious. We’ve both known it for a long time now… Why don’t you just admit it?” The teasing tone in your voice is thick, and it’s clearly getting to her. Who knew you could make her feel like this with just your words?

“Y/N…” Lisa says your name almost as a warning, knowing that you’re on the edge of crossing the line. She failed to deny your claims; after all, it would do no good. She can’t disguise her feelings for you.

A surge of confidence washes over you, and you take that as a sign to scoot closer to her. Soon, you’re mere inches away from her, your body pressed against the side of the seat as you rest your chin in the palm of your hand. Her tongue darts out of her mouth, soothing her lips.

You take her in for a moment, enjoying the sight. Her long dark hair tumbles past her shoulders in loose waves, and a blush takes residence upon her cheeks. Having her like this was something you only dreamed of in the past; seeing her so aroused because of you truly made you think back on how far the two of you have come.

To put an end to the silence, you loop two fingers underneath her chin, successfully coaxing her into meeting your gaze. Your eyes fall to her lips as you ask, “Am I wrong?” Before you can continue, her resolve fades. She leans forward, capturing your lips in a searing kiss. Any ounce of doubt that you had before melts away as she pulls you closer.

With inhibition and processing skills long gone, you slip from your chair and into hers, settling in her lap. One of her arms wraps around your waist to hold you steady, while her other hand tangles itself into your hair. A swift bite to your lip, paired with a flex of her warm thigh beneath you, sends a jolt through your body and earns her a low groan. She shudders against you, and that simple act works wonders in boosting your confidence.

All too quickly, a sudden noise from just outside the door startles you; reluctantly, Lisa pulls away. You nearly gasp at how dark her eyes have gotten in the heat of the moment. “I’m going to go see what that was,” she informs, gently setting you down in her seat as she stands up. Before turning to walk away, however, she plants another kiss on your lips. “Don’t even think about moving. I’m not done with you yet.”

[handemiyyy]

Nothing is black and white. Not even the things we judge to be the simplest such as a “are you a night owl or an early bird?” question. For every answer, for every action, behind it lies a very complex reason for why you picked a determined answer. In life, it’s the same. Things are multicolored, multifaceted and depending of a handful of factors combined that will impulse someone to take a certain action or opt for a certain answer. It really has put me into a lot of thinking when I found out the plot regarding Sen Çal Kapımı’s season 2, and seeing so many people start to take sides of such complex and delicate situation made me wonder that maybe people were not seeing the full picture, maybe they were seeing a plain image instead of the 3D situation presented to them.

If you know the characters’ story, you understand both Eda and Serkan’s actions are totally characteristic of them and correct in their own way. I’ll assume if you’re reading this you have knowledge of that, so I shall skip to the present situation and plot: Eda and Serkan broke up and stayed 5 years apart, but this turn in their love story has a bittersweet exception. Their child, Kiraz. Which Serkan does not know of.

EDA

Eda was asked to leave. After standing by his side through his cancer and thinking she’d finally live the life she dreamed with the love of her life, he broke up with her. They fought a lot, he let it explicit he’d never have a family, he closed himself to the world, to Eda, he resetted back to the robot-mode workaholic burying himself in projects that he forgot life. The life he had with Eda. His behavior affected her as well, that closed off too, and although they were together, they kept distancing from each other every day a little more. Until they saw that there was no point in that relationship. Eda shows that after 5 years his words and cold behaviour towards her still hurts her deeply, even making the analogy that she’s “just a toy” for him (ep 2 in the conversation scene with Burak). From her perspective, he decided to throw their years and relationship in the trash because he was the heartless insensitive man he was when they first met. Imagine you invest so much of yourself to someone just for this person to turn to you and tell you he doesn’t want to hear from you, or have you near. You’d be hurt. Especially after all you’ve been put through to be by his side and live your love freely. It was beyond plausible for her to leave and not look back (okay, Aydan?) and whoever had close insight of their relationship and how it deteriorated would agree with that. There’s only so much a person can handle. It was time Eda put herself first, especially when she was carrying a baby that Serkan supposedly wouldn’t want. She feared rejection, not just for her but for their baby, an innocent unborn child, a consequence of their love that was not the same anymore. He had said in her face that he didn’t want children, so she acted out of protectiveness for herself and her child. She couldn’t bare him rejecting the child. Maybe he would have changed his mind when she told him that she was pregnant, but she couldn’t have known that. Serkan turned into someone that was unrecognizable, even for Eda. He wasn’t just the cold workaholic we’ve seen in the beginning of the dizi, he was a cold-traumatized workaholic. So she escorted herself out of that relationship and did not think twice to come back around and tell him about the pregnancy when she found out in Italy. It was basically the logic that if he didn’t want her, why would he want her baby?

SERKAN

Serkan had to endure so much. After all the little things that consumed their relationship, after the plane crash, memory loss, he found out he had cancer. There is no way a person would stay the same after going through such awful disease. Serkan’s fear spoke louder than anything else, because he’s always been the kind of person to stay miserable and let her go so she doesn’t deal with the burden of being with him. Serkan’s hypochondria spoke louder telling him he was cured but not safe from cancer, and he couldn’t bare going through or putting Eda through that again. Even worse, leave her widowed. Probably the reason he kept postponing their wedding. During treatment he was still vulnerable, having Eda’s support all the way, trying to stay sane with all the mood changes and occasional insensitive behaviour towards her and everybody else. It cannot be put in words by a person that fortunately never had to go through or witness a person with cancer, but all of his “inconsistency” is more than justified. He never did it on purpose, it was the collateral effects of his disease, psychologically and physically speaking. After beating cancer, things seemed to have a bright future until it hadn’t. Serkan’s self sabotage knocked him down again, making him reset back to his old ways, except this time he had much more baggage and traumas than before. He shut everybody out, even the only person that he let in, and drowned in work, obsessed with “becoming immortal” through his projects. He forgot life, he forgot the love of his life. Not because he wanted to, but because his unconscious wanted to protect himself, and her. What if cancer came back? He knew very much of diseases as a person so worried about his health, he knew there were chances that it would come back. He’s gone through it once and barely survived, he’s seen the state he’s put him and Eda’s relationship through, he felt like a burden more than ever before. He didn’t want to hold her back, he didn’t want to have her stuck with him, taking care of his ill self that wasn’t even sure would make through the cancer treatment. He always felt unworthy of her, imagine now. He didn’t want children, because he feared they’d become fatherless. He didn’t want to set a wedding date, because he feared he’d leave his wife a widow. Or not make her happy. And he knew they weren’t happy. Because once he digged back down on his workaholic hole, he didn’t come back up again. It was stronger than him, he kept pushing her away and burying himself deeper. And she closed off just like him, so they both closed off in their own lonely cocoon and started to slowly become strangers again. Until one day he asked her to leave, and she didn’t see a reason to stay.

—

He told her to leave, he told her to stay far away from him because he wanted to protect her, and most selfishly, himself from more potential pain, suffering and heartbreak. He thought it’d be the less hurtful way (just like the plot of the secret about Eda’s parents accident), except he just made it worse for her. It doesn’t mean he’s a monster, a heartless human or an ungrateful bastard as many people are portraying him to be. It makes him human, it makes him a human with fears and insecurities, too aware of his own mortality and how it would affect the people that were dearest to him. Because when you’re sick, not only you go through stuff, the people around you, the people that loves and cares for you also goes through it all with you, to the point it can affect them personally too. He never came around and explained his reasons, because when he closed off his feelings were shut off. He bottled it all up and never said a thing, leaving Eda thinking the absolute worst of him and that still reflects in her hesitance about him 5 years later with an apparent normal Serkan back in her life. Serkan, now fully recovered and back to being himself, finds Eda again and everything he’s been trying to keep hidden, all the suppressed feelings and unfinished business he’s had with her, came back banging. He can’t let her go, he said it himself at that night talk. He can’t because he still needs to say a lot to her, to apologize to her even though it was NOT his fault. NEVER his fault. Nor hers, for leaving.

Serkan beat cancer years ago, but he never went looking for her. We’ve seen enough of their story and Serkan’s fears to know that he’s always felt that he wasn’t enough for her and that he’s brought to her life only pain, so it’s totally understandable why he never reached to her when he was sane again. He wanted her to be happy and free and she would only be able to do that if she was far away from him. And of course, Eda being hurt wouldn’t want to come back, wouldn’t want to keep in touch with him, so she cut ties entirely. She was on her right to not come to him when she found out about the pregnancy, because she knew he still wasn’t him. He was barely fighting for himself, living for himself, caring for himself, how would he do that for a child? But then he comes back… now what? Eda wants to run away from him, afraid he’d hurt her the way he did before. But he’s not that post-cancer Serkan, he still has the scars and the trauma but you can clearly see that he’s back to being the old Robot Bolat. He’s still closed off, but the initial scare and fear of abandonment disappeared with the passing years of him being healthy again. He sees Eda and he wants to be around her again, because he never truly wanted to part ways with her. Eda hides a secret, a secret she’s not right nor wrong to hide, she just figured it was best. And even in the first moments of him being around, it’s understandable that she wanted to hide the fact she has a child to him, as it may be a huge shock and turn of events. She doesn’t trust him, more precisely his reaction, and she’s unsure of what to expect. She needs him to give her a proof that he’s not the same unstable Serkan she witnessed before she left. She needs him to open up, he needs to open up to her. That is just it, the reason none of them could ever move forward, apart of their ever growing and intense love for each other. They still have a lot that was not talked, that was not finished, they didn’t solve their issues, therefore they didn’t heal.

Tell me how can you blame a mother for choosing her child over any possible heartbreak? How can you blame a woman for walking away after being so emotionally drained and not being able to put up with an exhausting relationship for BOTH of them? How can you blame her for not wanting to live that life with him when he wasn’t putting any effort on their relationship or on his fiancée? How could she guess what he was feeling, what he wanted to say, what were the reasons for his behavior if he closed off and never spoke a word?

Tell me how can you blame a traumatized man with so many complexities for closing off and pushing everybody away in order to not hurt them? How can you blame an hypochondriac man for wanting his beloved to be free from any strings attached to him and his disease because he can’t bare the fact he could possibly die and leave her suffering? How can you blame a human being that has gone through such a traumatic disease and invasive treatment as cancer that affects the whole being, physically and mentally, and transforms them into someone vulnerable and afraid? How can you blame this man for acting the way he did when he’s only done that because of all the fears he’s been accumulating since his childhood, his psychological traumas. How can it be his fault?

Serkan would die for Eda if it didn’t mean she would suffer for his loss.

Eda would be unhappy for eternity if it meant she could stay by Serkan’s side.

They would do anything for each other, and at one way or another, they did. Until their relationship deteriorated and they couldn’t keep going on, because they were losing themselves in an endless looping of traumas and pain. They were together but together they couldn’t do the healing, they were so exhausted they couldn’t heal each other nor themselves, it became unhealthy for them. But beware, it WAS NOT any of them’s fault, it qas just how they were living their lives. Their post-traumatic lives.

Sometimes there’s no right or wrong, there are just different point of views of a certain situation that’s so hard to grasp and so difficult to understand unless you’re personally living it. But trying to put yourself in their shoes also would do.

So please, yeter with the Eda AND SERKAN slander. Both were in their own right.