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the most difficult thing about growing as a person socially, as in getting out of your shell and noticing that you are, is that there will still be times when it doesn’t feel like you’ve grown at all! times when you can’t really connect with anyone around you, times when you fail to enter into an existing conversation, times when you say the wrong thing (or nothing at all when in hindsight you probably should’ve). but that’s also kind of the best thing, because that’s the thing that helps you realize that sometimes, it’s not you or your lack of skills or any shortcoming. sometimes certain environments just aren’t for you and certain people aren’t your people, and that’s okay. that’s human. it’s okay to not feel the progress you have made all the time.
#and that goes for every type of growth#backstory of this post:#after I came back after a few months of doing my international internship I felt so much more confident#it was easier making friends and walking up to people#i took more chances#and generally just heard it a lot from those around me who kept telling me how much i’d changed#this was further supported by my first office job that went pretty well#but then came my grad internship. and while i love the work and have met some great people I noticed it was difficult again#there was one office lunch where no one spoke to me at all! it was my first week and I didn’t know what to say#if i should even say anything#we were all sitting at the same table#not one person even glanced my way#it made me doubt myself; i was doing so well before#was that even real? why can’t I just speak up? this is not the way to connect with people#especially in my first week!#but you know what#i was still doing well. i just had to factor in the fact that these were all middle aged people talking about reality shows i didn’t watch#and bikes i knew nothing about#as well as people who knew i was the new intern yet didn’t speak to me at all even though I’d introduced myself to them all individually#and even so#people I couldn’t really talk to about MY interests outside of work either#my point being:#it’s okay to not feel a connection with everyone you meet#it’s okay to fall back into old habits even though you’ve developed new ones#it will never unravel the process you’ve made and the connections you’ve built#you’re doing fine#after this internship I will surround myself with people who reaffirm that belief#growth in the self#self love#positivity
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i needed to express a sentiment in the creative stylings of @dunmeshiminimumwage
#eliot posts#dunme#delicious in dungeon#dungeon meshi#sorry to put toshiro in the roll of shitty job interviewer lmao#but he was the best fit for ''guy that wants me to read their mind''#laios being my internal monologue here#i was on my THIRD interview of the day i was Dying#tho since the prev two interviews i had were for similar positions and told me their salaries outright at least i could use that number#(though tbh my work persona is more of a kabru. my customer service voice is unparalleled)#(at my first job even my coworkers thought i was sooo cheerful til i got too comfy and casually made a joke abt wanting to asphyxiate on a#plastic shopping bag like a sea turtle. in front of my sweet elderly coworker. oops!)#(also this job was during quarantine and after weeks of working together i took my mask off in front of one coworker for the first time#and she called like half the department over from their registers to look at how pretty i was??? prettyboy powers unmatched ig)#(also my first interview today went SO well i charmed that interviewer so good despite my lack of qualifications)#(she even complimented my social skills and said i seemed like the type who could get along well and make good conversation with anyone!)#(which is important bc i was interviewing for an elder care position. also old people especially tend to think i am a Delightful Young Lad)#(unless i accidentally make a morbid joke around them ig lmaooo. or. well. some of them like those too. but not that one coworker lol)#(if only that skill transferred over to actually making friends irl. my autistic ass has so few close irl connections)#(i hope my exceedingly short list of character references does not prevent me from getting hired)#AND ALSO my first job asked the same wage question and i said twelve dollars#and they were like all our new employees start at 7.75#the union insists that we pay all new employees a whopping 50 cents above min wage. (we'd pay less if we could)#like dawg why did you ask that then??? if my answer did not matter at all???
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dare i say phone & snack after school time is better than phone in bed time
#life update in the tags per usual#there were a bunch of new people (mainly dormers)#ap spanish wasn't as bad as i thought it would be#ABSOLUTELY TWEAKINGG when i had to sit next to my opp but dw i think i can switch spots next class#his heavy breathing made my eye twitch so hard#PLEASE stfu#sorry i js#he's genuinely a creepy guy & he's never been at all likable#ok in other news my friends were ok#but they were a little mean#we're mean to each other jokingly sometimes but they think they're funny & they're not ..#and a HOT hungarian student#but he's a senior .......#it's ok i'm nearly fifteen !!!! /j#AND some more new people & old friends#if you've read this far#kiss kiss :3#but also tell me why my loserbf (not my bf) was totally not talking to me .............#he said hi when i did but like damn#me when he doesn't approach me 😢#i can bag him promise#lowkey wouldn't be hard but i'm js a loser too !#i also don't want to bag him i want to BE bagged ykwim#like i'm not trying u come to meeeee 😹😹😹😹😹😹#ceri talks ₊˚ෆ#𝜗𝜚 ceri lore#<- cz the tags obvi
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what did you do on Christmas? Do you have plans for the new year? Because you know, you're Chinese, so you haven't celebrated New Year's yet. (Maybe, i don't actually know how it works)
MASTER POST
Asks Start 💙🐶
Previous 💙🐶
Next 💙🐶
#lego monkie kid#lego monkie kid fanart#monkie kid#monkie kid fanart#lmk#lmk fanart#lmk mayor#monkie kid mayor#blue and violet#technically even though Christmas is a western holiday I think people in Megapolis probably still celebrate it#because Christmas is more or less just about being together with friends and family and not necessarily about religion anymore#but Mayor probably doesn't really celebrate Christmas#mostly because they are an old man and they did not celebrate Christmas before and so they do not celebrate it now#but also because they have nobody to celebrate it with lmao#poor fella#however in terms of the lunar new year they might celebrate it???#they'll go out and about the city and do some speeches as Mayor and stuff like that#maybe join in with the festivities too and watch the parades#but other than that they will stay inside and try to relax or something#keep Hershey company#either way New Years has been slightly ruined for them because of the new years festival they experienced in TQFTSK with Macaque#they cannot celebrate without being reminded of the memory of that heartfelt time spent together#Hershey is :P
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Late Night quick thing (New Age Sillies)
Bad news: That joke post about including Reset + Orchid is definitely not canon. (I legit got sad thinking about Reset being in a universe where Orchid isn't- because their stories are so so intertwined- but Nightmare 100% would NOT risk the whole twins exploding Error's soul thing.)
Good news: This means I COULD include Kane (Reset's older brother who usually dies in timelines where Reset is born) and use it to develope his character a bit more! Also! Perhaps a Blue × Dream kiddo is finally in the stars for me to design?
#new age au#really enjoying the idea of Reaper + Geno having an heir at some point (and them sending that heir over to Night's kingdom for#exposure to other places as well as to hang with his third cool knight dad who's hard at work 🙏)#Kane has little to no development besides being a perfect angel (foil to Reset's eventual turn to poor choices) so I'd love to do#to him what I do to every oc of mine. (Namely: Throw them into the Kingdom and see what they do.)#oh! and I could see Blue and Dream (beloved boys) listening to the warnings of possible complications if they try to have a lil babybones#and Dream deciding he'd take the risk and carry the growing soul#(<- though tbf this is MANY years into the future and they'd be well established knights of the realm)#i'm not evil so they *would* manage to avoid the twins curse and have a singular beautiful babybones#they'd get raised partially on the move but stay behind with Night and Error if the two had a more dangerous mission#and grow up to be an obnoxiously powerful warrior following after their dads#(but they'd probably be hesitant to follow into the footsteps of being a knight and might go on a quest with friends before choosing a#final path for themselves)#<- Most spoiled rotten kid ever. courtesy of Nightmare and Error and all their extended family <3#oh last note. Ancha has me cracking up w/ ideas for Cross potentially meeting someone and I was beamed w/ an old ship request post I saw and#I think it'd be funny to include Lust in here somehow... (probably call him smth else as a nickname but y'know-)#like. He works in the city around the castle as some sort of... idk tailor? and he's been making things for Nightmare for years without#knowing because Ccino always was discreet about the orders and providing measurements + always tipped well so it was none of his business#but one day it's like. before a big announcement ceremony or smth and Ccino drags Cross in by the scruff because no one can get him to get#clothes that actually fit aside from armor (hc he steals the others clothes a lot and wears 1 shirt until it's threadbare)#so Ccino makes him go to Lust and Lust is able to get him fitted for sone new outfits because. well. Lust doesn't do much but he's very very#handsome and Cross is super easily flustered and shy around new people and he's awkward and aughhh.#and then he thinks about the interaction for the next month before deciding he's going to ask Ccino to go back there again.#and Lust likes dressing Cross up in new outfits (everyone thinks it's great Cross is loosening up and meeting new friends cuz Lust introduce#s him to people in town) and it takes forever for Cross to get over his worries and ask Lust out to a ride on his horse (romantic. of course#) and Lust agrees because he's charmed.#and the best part would be Cross *actually* manages to keep it a secret. like. no one finds out until one morning Killer bursts into Cross'#room to wake him for surprise training and it's Cross. the weird Dog. and- holy shit did Cross have someone over???#Cross pulls the cool ones frfr 🙏#it's just a casual thing between them with little plot relevance or drama I think. just a chill lil relationship 🙏
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Oooohhh the urge to yap about my ocs and the world they live in......
#is this the product of growing up lonely with one best friend for 11 years of your life so when she wasnt in school you mae up imaginary#friends and it started off as one but then steadily increased and now your 14 with an entire kingdom with a high population of around 132#and couting because you couldnt stop making ocs based on your interests or hyperfixations or literally anything else to the point where you#could scroll on insta or tt for 5 minutes and think about your little kingdom and think of a character that would fill about 50 plot holes#and this kingdom got so out of hand in your head that you decided to make religons countries languages royal families politics new laws of#physics powers and more because one day you watched avatar the last airbender and decided people could now do water manipulation and#suddenly 50% of characters now possess some sort of magical ability and they all live in a world together that somehow retains peace and#love because the actual name of the planet they live on is peace but just in the language that you made up in your mind. just a little#reminder i started this at 6-7 years old with my gacha life phase going strong which is also how i designed each and every one of my ocs btw#going back this is originally being my imaginary friends I MYSELF AM IMPLEMENTED INTO THIS STORY as it started with my old online persona#that has now become a separate character and now I am a character inside this whole lore so every day i am always thinking about this planet#i made in my head and did i mention ive my favourite genres are action mystery and fantasy??? yeah so thats a main theme#so like theres tons of fighting and betrayal outside of the planet which dives deep into character lores and the whole story line that#this planet follows and i have separated aus of if this wasnt a peaceful planet and if there was some sort of intergalactic war because yes#i am a voltron fan where influential ocs die and thinking or writing that causes me to genuinely tear but because like ive said THESE ARE MY#IMAGINARY FRIENDS they may be imaginary but ive had them for YEARS and theyve been friends with me longer than 99% of my friends so they#mean the world to me so i tend to stray away from the war aus and push that mkre towards my other fics and headcanons thag are heartbreaking#... so anyways!!!#kadens yap session#no but srsly if i were to actually talk to people about this id be shaking in my boots i could not and itd take HOURS#its just a silly world i live in thays all :3
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Choosing Our Next Novel
People of tumblr! I may also send out an email about this, but I just want to gauge initial thoughts for our next novel. The below is every work that would start in April or earlier. It’s probably too short notice to start Martin Chuzzlewit, but there are several other options.
Jan 2025 - July 2026 (1 year and a half) - Martin Chuzzlewit Mar 2025 - Sep 2026 (1 year and a half) - Nicholas Nickleby Mar 2025 - Sep 2026 (1 year and a half) - Bleak House Apr 2025 - Nov 2026 (1 year and a half) - The Pickwick Papers Apr 2025 - Feb 2026 (11 months) - The Old Curiosity Shop Apr 2025 - Aug 2025 (5 months) - Hard Times Apr 2025 - Nov 2025 (8 months) - A Tale of Two Cities Apr 2025 - Sep 2025 (6 months, but unfinished) - Edwin Drood
When I’ve run polls in the past, all the most successful options have been books that run for under a year. The only Dickens novels left that were serialised over the course of less than a year are the bolded ones above. Not including the unfinished The Mystery of Edwin Drood, there is a way to plan well in advance to minimise gaps and favour shorter-running works (so we read The Old Curiosity Shop Apr 2025 - Feb 2026, then A Tale of Two Cities Apr 2026 - Nov 2026, then Hard Times Apr 2027 - Aug 2027).
Does this appeal to people as an option? Or does such far-advanced planning seem overkill? And would it be better to keep some of the shorter ones for further down the line? Should we have another vote to allow for the possibility of a longer work winning this time? Help me make up my mind about this!
Thank you in advance for voting or letting me know your thoughts, and thank you to everyone who has joined in so far with Great Expectations and Barnaby Rudge!
#charles dickens#dickens#dickens daily#tumblr book club#personally I would love to do one serialised over a longer period of time but I don’t know if the people also yearn for this#feel free to vote and/or comment whether you’ve taken part previously or not#The Pickwick Papers#Nicholas Nickleby#The Old Curiosity Shop#Martin Chuzzlewit#Bleak House#Hard Times#A Tale of Two Cities#The Mystery of Edwin Drood#Barnaby Rudge#admin#I meant to get this out quickly after Barnaby Rudge finished so apologies for the delay#and therefore the removal of Martin Chuzzlewit as an option#there was a lot happening#(getting ill; graduating; my cat getting ill; my friend moving house; some gigs; Christmas; new year)#but here's to 2025 and more Dickens to be read!
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I don't think I've ever taken in before how much Wicked Act I (and thus Wicked Part I) takes its structure from The Wizard of Oz. It opens with No One Mourns the Wicked, which is an obvious response to Ding Dong the Witch is Dead* (the first song once Dorothy gets to Oz, and only the second overall), and ends with our heroes arriving in the Emerald City (Merry Old Land of Oz/One Short Day). Our hero is then asked to perform a task so that the wizard will grant her heart's desire. Having completed this task, she then discovers that he is a fraud and that he cannot do what he's promised (nor could he have done the task he set her), so she has to make use of the power that was inside her all along to get where she needs to go.
*Bonus connection between these two songs is the little musical motif ("ding dong the witch is") that the movie version of No One Mourns the Wicked uses in its newly triumphant orchestration at the start (roughly 1:01 and 1:19 in the official soundtrack).
#wicked#the wizard of oz#wicked part i#Act II is a different beast of course#but seeing the first part in isolation like that along with rewatching TWoO really clarified Act I's similarities#I watched The Wizard of Oz all the way through on Tuesday for the first time in maybe 17 years or so#I'm so glad I did both because it's a really good movie (despite how obvious the back walls of the sets are to 2024 eyes)#and because it has given me a lot more to think about in my current Wicked hyperfixation#I will say that I could not watch Ding Dong the Witch is Dead with the childlike wonder I did as a child#I couldn't get the burning effigy from the Wicked movie out of my head#and that was before I noticed the motif in NOMtW (which I spotted the next morning)#anyway this is definitely old news but I have to share my excitement somewhere#also I'm betting there are lots of people who haven't noticed the ding dong motif so hopefully I can get some other people excited about it#mine#wicked mine#I also just got back from seeing the Wicked movie a second time btw#I started typing this out on Tuesday evening but had to come back to it now#gahhhh I'm so obsessed with this movie#also another connection between the two movies is how gay they are#watching TWoO again it was really clear how the whole friend of dorothy thing happened#and then we all know those witches are gay
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war.. war never changes
#love to read good terrible comments under a tumblr poll#these ships are one day old this is not the ultimate battle of rpf#i remember when some spn rpfers sent hate mail to actors' real life wives#my friend recently told me about her bts rpf trauma that created the only ship she will never be okay with#purely cause people were being so fucking terrible online#there is nothing ultimate about this sjdhsj#and every time i think oh it's the thing of the past#I'm reminded that a) some people never change b) there are always new generations#to be clear the problem is less prf and more fandom ship wars that are as#heinous as they are senseless#chattering
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being a newer member of a system is rly isolating sometimes honestly. because making new friends is really hard (especially with the current state of system-focused servers), but it also feels like our current system friends don't really care that i'm here. like yeah i know you want to talk to your friend of a few years now but i'm also here? hi?
- max
#parable speaks#max posts#it's not that big of a deal but it makes me a bit sad :(#like some people in the system are guaranteed to get a response if they say something in a friend server#but it feels like a lot of our newer members get ignored a lot more#and we're kinda bad at making new friends online :( plus a lot of servers are full of 14-16 year olds#which is awesome! good for them! but we don't have a lot in common with them
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I wonder if they think of me
#the way i think of them#every time i can't sleep theyre the only people i want to message or call or just.. hear from#every time something awful happens lately they're some of the only people i can think of that just... thinking about them cheers me up.#whenever something good or silly or fun or important or really pleasant or weird happens.. i want to tell them first and hear their#excited or happy or sweet or dumbfounded responses#when its late and im alone... i want to listen to their snoring... or feel my head against his chest but for longer than a hug this time#ive begun to be scared that im so full of love it physically repells my partners. i want to be good for them so bad that im rancid in#some way.#i want to be there beside each of them so badly that they pull back... and when i give them space? they dont seem to reach out to me first#i feel like im.. so far down the list. maybe just because they know ill be there so they dont idk. care to check in?#they've told me before that if im doing badly they trust/assume that i would tell them#i cant even get a paying-attention response to the positive news i give sometimes... let alone. what i feel like is. my constant bad news#i want to be good. i want to be positive and hopeful and trusting and optemistic and patient#i feel like such a “maybe” or an “eventually”. i feel replacable and every way theyve tried to explain that im not its just...#them describing me as something sooo special im either too much. or that they think im too fragile or too explosive. or that they want#to meet someone else or more people who make them feel like i do. like im just a collectable trinket they can catch more of when they#dont want me specifically around but someone who does as much for them as i might. or can make them feel as loved as i honestly do love them#and they deserve that.#they deserve more than just me#they both do#i am disabled and im dramatic and im terrified of living this way and i feel so lonely whenever im in any company but theirs#because i either dont know how to interact well wifh others. or when i do get along with someone... it ends up gettin really scary for me#really quickly.#met nice friends? turns out they were mid-drug-relapse and want my help getting sober#met people i had stuff in common with in adult only spaces?? turns out they were lying about half of the details about themselves to fit in#reconnected wifh kind old friends? one of them is belligerent and mean almost daily and they others arent comfortable being near that#open up to my family about my struggles? get told i should leave#ive vented before on this blog and others that tbh most of the time my main reason for not doing really impulsive bad things to/for myself#is my fiancé. he's my best friend and my motivation and my love and my family... and now i have a seocnd partner as well and I#feel similarly and really strongly about them as well
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The visceral and hungering loneliness is back. You know what that means! Bedtime
#😴😴😴😴#sweet dreams hehehe I’m sure I will feel better in the morning#🤞#but jokes aside like. I’m okay I think I’m just moody bc it’s late at night and I’m overthinking. the usual#I do really miss my friends and family#and feeling that old but always recurring longing for new friends#I’m slowly befriending people in my music classes and slowly joining some clubs as well soooo we’ll see#idk I also just see all of my mutuals being friendly with each other and I yearn for it so so deeply#kinda silly but I just like to share interests with people#and have a Space together if that makes sense#anyway I know I could just like reach out to people but I’m nervous lol#probably more embarrassing to post publicly about it like 1-3 times a month lol#but it feels impersonal this way like I’m writing in a diary or something#speaking of which. I need to start working on my diary again LOL#I kept one for all of two days a little over a month ago#and then I forgot it one night and refused to keep working on it bc I ‘messed it up’ by forgetting#aaaaah anyway goodnight ❤️#this ramble was maybe a bit too personal but I’ve posted worse shit I think lol#may or may not delete in the morning#sweet dreams! :)#wackyposting
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Was yapping to a friend about something I was really obsessed with as a kid and am still really passionate about when he fell asleep mid rant
He woke up 5 minutes later when I was writing this and how sad I was
He listened a bit more to me yapping because I was excited to get back into it
And them he fell asleep again mid another rant about the same thing but I kept yapping because there was one other person in the call
But then that other person had to gi do the dishes and now I'm happier than I was at first because yay someone actually wanted to listen (... even if one fell asleep. The other one didn't have any complaints, though, and I am happy about it :D) but also I didn't get to finish my yapping session :(
#myeba shenanigans#myeba rambles#i was yapping about star stable online and starshine legacy#i wanted to talk about the development team change and how we had to wait YEARS for new main story quests and saving Anne but i started#explaining the entire backstory and starshine legacy and everything and how pissed i am at some one the choices#like deleting old christmas and halloween as well as some of the best story quests in that damn game.#i got to like#the golden autumn area i dont remember what its called in english and Pi but yeah no i forgot quite a bit of the story because i havent#but yeah no i dont remember a lot of things actually because i havent played this game religiously for like 5 years now lmao#the last quests ive done were the Fort Maria and the devils thing at Jarlaheim or whatever i dont remember names rn#especially not in english#ive always played the game in polish lmfao#but yeah no i still love that game even if a lot of things have changed#i come back every so often because of nostalgia#just to see what new things were added and stuff#i remember that the first time i was allowed to stay awake past midnight for new years with my cousin we were playing star stanle and we got#the its getting dark message and we got spooked a bit but it was new and exciting and whenever i join right before night and see that#i just have that memory pop up at the front of my head#that game has been with me for a goid bit of my life and i have many fond memories with people i still recognize in my friends list that i#havent spoken to in years and yet theres so many fond memories of just children being children and i love that#anyway i started ranting in the tags#GOODBYE BEFORE I SAY ANYTHIN MORE LMAO
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Last night I watched 3 children while their parents went to a concert—2 five year olds and an eight year old—and they were calling each other nonsense mean names. I asked what one of the names meant and they told me “it means Donald Trump.” I laughed at that because. Kids are funny. And then the LOOK that came over them all as they squinted at me suspiciously and the eldest asked me quietly, “are you voting for him, or are you voting for her?”
And guys they literally started cheering and dancing when I said I was voting for Kamala Harris and it was just the funniest sweetest little moment ever
#it’s been a while since I was charged with more than one kid at a time#but it was so fun to be back at it in a group#and it was FUCKING EXHAUSTING but also:#I still got it 😎#I also left with some very complex emotions about ‘problem children’#because it was one kid from one family and two siblings from another#and the parents of the one kid were saying some kind of awful things about the eldest sibling#and the other parents are their close friends so I’m like first of all: that’s not mature behavior at all#but the main thing they complained about was this older child wanting attention#and I’m not an early childhood professional by any means#but I’ve got about a decade of working with kids 1-16 under my belt#and usually if a child is acting out to get attention… that means that a need is being neglected#physical emotional or social it doesn’t matter#this ‘problem child’ was high energy and a leader in the group#but she’s also in a different developmental stage than the children she spends the most time with#of course she’s going to play differently#and want different attention than the 5 year olds do#she pushed some boundaries because I’m a new person but she didn’t give me actual trouble#and it just made me so sad to hear that after they all went to bed#I find that children respond better if you treat them like… actual people that want to be taken seriously#it’s my second time with the three of them together as a play group and I’m more sure of this than I was the first time#I have never yet met a ‘bad’ child but I have met too many children without the support and understanding they need#but maybe I’m just an eldest daughter……………………………
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I've always wanted to wake up from a dream laughing and I just did but I realized after I woke up that I have missed a million social cues :((((((((((((((((( it wasn't even funny idk why I couldn't stop giggling. I dont even giggle irl.
#this also may have been a separate dream#i was in this big aquarium swimming and walking around. it was like. you could swim in a lot of the exhibit and interact with the animals#i had some sort of mission and i also found a baby seal who i picked up and was carrying around as i wandered around#eventually i ended up in this little nook that had one of the adult seals/walrusess? so i let the baby go but the adult was not into it and#i heard someone day something like “aw he still has hope”#theres this kid that works at the aquarium and i tell him to come with me for some reason. its around this time i realize this is some movie#the kids boss is like “next time you leave your post you gotta dive out”#and im worried a bit allready sbout him leavin his post with the adult walrus up there.#then suddenly the glass starts breaking everywhere. like one crack then the whole aquarium starts falling apart#and the kid seems a bit worried.#as were all evacuating i decide that its my fault. because the walrus must have been ramming the glass while the kid wasnt watching.#i remember thinking about how this was a movie or something and feeling really dumv#then yhe dream was over snd there was s recap??? in like drawing form and it showed the main character (me) putting a bomb in the center of#the aquarium in some sort of well or something. so. i guess it really was completely my fault in a different way than i thought#then later im at some sort of party or something and then i leave the party for another party or something? and i feel really bad sn#and socially innept the entire time. the person who i think i reconize we start talking and theyre like the first person whos nice to me#and were talking about following eachother on Instagram? or somth#while their scrolling i see a video eith one of my old friends and shes on the news? the headline is like “me and cathy snd the murder#victim...“ or something. and im like ”hey thats my friend“ and the person just shuts their phone off.#any ways so this person lets me hitch a ride with them back to the original party. they get out of the uber super early but its the right#house and the tell the driver that hes lost and the DRIVER gets out. so im like oh i guess this is their car??#and so they drive up to the drive way and three more people start getting in the car and theyre like putting stuff in the trunk#and talking about where to sit and i just start giggling.#and im still trying to participate like i offer to sit in the middle. theres already someone sitting at the front but he gets out and#everytime someone says anything i start giggling??? and like its sunny and everyone is very attractive in a way that o just found so funny#and then eventually two of then run over to this like panel dash board yhing that on a wall outside and like messing with it opening the#glove box and stuff and i just wake up#and immediately upon waking. well first i was like “teehee. i woke up from giggling” then i thought about it and i was like “oh. i was#take the front seat :(#dream log
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It might just be a lot of things. I really don't know. I don't like not having any energy after work but it staves off a lot of our thought processes but at the same time I don't love it. It's tolerable but I want to be doing something else. I wanna be in the dirt and I want to feel the earth under my feet and I want to know she's listening to me and telling me it's ok and I want to take care of her like she's taken care of me. I want to plant trees and cut back weeds and learn to identify our native plants and I just can't do any of that and make a living. It's not even a volunteer opportunity for me. I'm just some random citizen who didn't even go to school for any of it. And I'm so lonely. I'm the loneliest I've been. I love all my friends online I do. Truly and wholly but it doesn't help the fact that I have no one around me irl. And it hurts. And I'm scared. And I am so small all the time. And I just want it to change.
#elias.zip#i think. that dreamis affecting me a little more than I thought it did. it really exemplified that I feel like everyone sees me as not tryin#g to make connections in my adult life but im in a dead town with an aging population i didnt grow up in or around. i can't find public even#ts that would get me around people my age. I can't drive still to go places anyways and I struggle so fucking with the entire process anyway#s that even with the stars aligned I fuck myself over anyways. I'm too weird. too quiet. too loud. not assertive. weird. weird. weird. werid#. just some fucking crybaby.#everyone's moved on from being anxious but not me. I can't do it. i try and try and try and try and push myself out of my comfort zone but n#obody wants new friends. and my interests are too niche. and i dont fit in and nobody wants to be friends with the baby because all he does#is cry and god I've felt worse moving here than i ever did back at the old house and it feels like I'm never going to get to see what cou#ldve been I'm stuck like this!!#sometimes i really wish i could just leave. leave it all. vanlife or backpack or something and learn why i was made to live as a human. i ju#st want to go back home. I wanna see my packmates again. I'll do better this time. Please. I'm sorry
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