#AND WHERE THE FUCK WAS THE DOCTOR FOR 70+ YEARS

[claraoswalds]

It's racist, my dear, to be blunt. People come from outside, they think we're all witches and druids. For God's sake, child, you walked into a piece of string!

[chitin-crusader]

kindof losing my mind bc uhhhh. how am i supposed to like. afford to live.

[not-the-cheese]

one sentence(ish) summaries of every magnus archive episode PART 2

(eps 61-110) thank u for the funny comments and tags on the last part i love u guys

the rest of these may take a while as i've caught up to where i am currently in the podcast but i will finish them like in a month i promise

----

61. the thrilling sequel to man does not open coffin: man DOES open coffin.

62. surely this doctor can find an easier way to scam people out of money than putting them in a little book.

63. THE DARK ATE MY BROTHER IN LAW.

64. this is possibly the plot of laura croft tomb raider

65. mmm crumchy

66. what's the opposite of an unboxing video

67. as close to a coffeeshop au as you're going to get from this podcast

68. Doctors hate him! Man REFUSES to die from tuberculosis!

69. your college's psych department has the worst idea ever.

70. reverse death note

71. not even death will stop this woman from taking the british subway

72. man doesn't want to be low key racist in his last moments before getting eaten

73. police versus the second coming of dark jesus

74. lady is haunted by an ad for coffee

75. mike crew says "uh fuck it let's just put this guy on a skyscraper forever"

76. ryan from buzzfeed unsolved breaks into a train yard and suffers consequences

77. you're not a enough of a bitch to be my real mom

78. man gets harassed by his cousin and then exorcises him

79. you know that chase scene in scooby doo with the doors

80. stupid idiot motherfucking jurgen leitner

81. i have been personally victimized by the sequel to the hungry hungry caterpillar

82. pov: elias threatens to cancel you

83. mannequin takes matters into its own hands after people don't like its pitch for a new window display

84. a hoarder put newspaper on my friend's face :(

85. hey there's maybe a little man upon these stairs?

86. man gets got by a squiggly thing in the dark.

87. plumber is so oblivious to spooky happenings around him that it possibly saves his life.

88. guys i think this guy likes to dig

89. lesbian investment banker finds a new, less evil job: arson!

90. guy who turns people's bones starts a gym where he promises not to turn your bones! (he is lying)

91. i was stalked by lightning for 10 years and i all i got were these stupid scars

92. jonah magnus is a bad friend // another day another elias slay

93. ocd is no match for purple fuzz

94. let the bodies drop gently to the floor let the bodies drop gently to the floor

95. im so sorry my brain refuses to remember what the war ones were about but i think one guy got gently kissed on the forehead so that's pretty nice.

96. diversity wins! the not-quite-human delivery men who stole your identity and business are maybe gay?

97. man gets gaslighted by an entire town about a hole

98. 🎶mister sandman bring me a dream, actually don't, please stay far from me 🎶

99. another one bites the dust

100. archival assistants face off against the general public (they lose)

101. jon finally levels up high enough to unlock an eldritch horror's tragic backstory

102. LOCAL MAN MARRIES BUG

103. peppa eats a clown and they cover her in concrete instead of congratulating her.

104. pennywise stole my brother's skin

105. it's world war z baby

106. Something Big Is In Space.

107. man is interrogated about the time he saw thomas the train roasts people alive and also sans is there

108. actor is stalked by mask who liked his monologue so much that it tells its mask friends to come watch.

109. sometimes a family is just a serial killer's daughter and that guy who maybe killed some vampires

110. yeah man those spiders be eating

Part 1 |

[felixdragonheartofficial]

TFA TEAM PRIME HUMAN REDESIGNS FINALLY

FUCK

+headcannons

Optimus: gotta stay focused

looks too old compared to his bot form.

I find it impossible for Optimus to be more than a million years old in this canon. In the least, he's older than 1000 years and since we have mfs that are canonically over 70 million years old(fagatron iykyk) compared to that, he feels like a dude in his early-to-mid-30's being the group parent.

---

-I made him more youthful, gave him curly hair, and tailored his clothing to actually look like his bot form.

-workaholic

-on the cusp of barley being able to hold his liquor

-doesn't own a pair of pajamas until Sari gets some for him

-usually forgets to put them on, but appreciates the gesture

-stays active for like, 3 days until he can't fight off sleep with work brain anymore, and unceremoniously passes out on the couch to sleep for a full 24 hours

-ratchet sighs and puts a blanket over him as per routine

-frequently checks security feed

-elf on the shelf despiser

-early morning talks with jazz and ratchet over coffee (they all wake up at 6 am)

-half thrives on caffeine and a vigorous training protocol

-is a dog person, loves German shepherds to death

David sama, pls forgive me ily very much

Ratchet: to old for this nonsense

doesn't match his body type in the slightest.

Ratchet is really old, he's got a sallow face and a gramp gut, how dare they square him. He's wayyy too angular and peachy looking.

-I gave him his luscious curves back, adding all the equipment id expect a field medic to have because he is a field medic, not a regular doctor. I changed his facial proportions, and also made his face gaunt, for that dead inside PTSD look.

---

-drinks his coffee black with brown sugar, literally drinks it piping hot

-is one of those old people who complains about noise

-confiscates bumblebee and Sari's toy cars, and puts them in a high up cabinet

-neither of them know how to bypass the child safety lock lmao

-casual clothes includes a lot- a l o t of plaid shirts, and 10 pairs of the same blue jeans

-tunes out bulkhead and prowls convos about birdwatching

-big fan of political satire dramas

-Sentinel doesn't approve

-Ratchet doesn't give a rats ass about what he thinks of course

Bumblebee: professional smart-ass

doesn't match his body type/age.

Bumblebees holoform is presented as a 10-12 year old child specifically for the fact that he's short, and the comedic relief. Total ass

I set his human age as 19-20 years old, making him more of a big brother to sari because that og model is disappointingly lackluster

---

-Bumblebee is a scrappy wisecracking punk, like an adhd kid who just got roller skates for Christmas.

-since he doesn't have wheels, I feel like he'd wear skates instead to emulate the feeling

-terrible at watching where he's going cuz he's too busy trying to show off, so ratchet makes him wear all that padding + training wheels

-legit despises the padding and training wheels

-Jealous of Blurr for mastering roller blades lmao.

-his favorite games are choose your fighter and fps

-saw ONE ancient ass assassins creed playthrough and begged ratchet to install hidden tasers in his arm bands (was denied)

-Sari used her key to do it instead

-self appointed "rizzler"

-Optimus has zero idea of what that means and thinks it's code for something dubious

-Ratchet knows what it means and thinks it's silly

-"I' was something of a rizzler myself back in my day, kid"

-bumblebee cringes

-loves summer and swimming

-wants to be the fastest thing in the sea because y'know, it's bumblebee

-is spooked from the beach for awhile cuz he saw sharks in Prowls nature documentary

-there are infact, no sharks in lake Erie

Bulkhead: big guy, bigger heart

doesn't match his body type/aspirations.

Jesus fuck he's so wide?? And his belly migrated to his shoulders?? I'm gonna be honest, I really hate this design. I feel like it contributed to the "brute strength = stupid" take that most in the fandom associates with him.

---

-Bulkhead is a SWEET. CARING. NERD YOU FOOLS. He's like the male version of a tall goth gf-

-a tall-nerdy-farm hand-physics bf, You got me fucked up.

-Its already shown that bulkhead really likes art in Addition to creating it. He hates being only seen as the "muscle" so it wouldn't make sense for him to lean into that.

-bunny slippers that him and sari made together(she provided the buttons)

-the slippers go missing sometimes (basically considered community property unless he's wearing them)

(ratchet and prowl are the main offenders)

-frequent art museum goer

-really likes watching cooking shows, but is too shy to make food himself

-Owns a ton of star maps

-Really wants a treehouse that he, bumblebee and sari can hang out in

-pillowfort enjoyer

-casually reads quantum physics at the beach

Prowl: draft dodger

Doesn't look like him at all.

Prowls holoform being a mustachioed,white, police officer was an actual jumpscare for 7 y/o me, I kid you not

---

- I know this bitch would not wear a helmet (you can't force him to) que windswept hair

-Not as much as starscreams, for obvious reasons but yk

-prowl is like one of those "shoes are a prison for your feet"

-emo hipster

-has a pet cactus named "planty"

-bumblebee heckles him for it

-can and has brought his cactus with him on early evening motorcycle rides

-the helmet is reserved for his cactus, bring your own >:(

-salad consumer

-him and jazz share custody of the cactus

-repeat victim of the cat distribution system

-ratchet has probably spent hours telling him they can't keep any animals at base

-frequent midnight picnics with jazz

-and beachcombing

-and roaming around antique stores cuz jazz wants to know what vinyl records are

-got a mug with an attempted pink chibi cat with big round shiny eyes painted onto it, courtesy of bulkhead trying to find an artsyle

-cherishes this mug to death

-has a shrine dedicated to it

[nemeyuko]

Tumblr if it existed in Lovecraft’s work would be a literal nightmare.

0 notes

💉 doctor-reanimator Follow

My assistant just came home from a trip to Illinois. I acquired a new specimen and tried out my new embalming fluid on it. My assistant will record the progress of reanimation.

🪦 reanimator-assistant Follow

West injected a compound into the specimen to counteract the embalming fluid.

🪦 reanimator-assistant Follow

West put a pillow over it. Afterwards, he injected the body with the reagent. It’s possible the specimen may tell us what’s on the other side of death!

🪦 reanimator-assistant Follow

West did what now?

15k notes

📐 math-folklore-gilman Follow

I keep having fucked up dreams about the witch that used to live in the house I rented for cheap. Especially since my rented room, the attic, was where she did her magic. I’m sure it’s nothing.

📐 math-folklore-gilman Follow

That’s a weird giant rat! I hate these fucking dreams!

10 notes

🖋️ bostonnephew-deactivated02181928

I got this weird box full of documents from being the heir of my great uncle’s estate after he passed. It has this strange bas-relief and notes. I’ll read what’s in it.

🖋️ bostonnephew-deactivated02181928

Cthulhu still sleeps beneath the waves in his sunken city. I know the cult knows I know too much. They’ll take care of me like they did my great uncle. If you don’t see me on here anymore, that’s why.

🐙 cthulhu-cultist80008 Follow

lol idiot.

90k notes

🌙 carter-the-dreamer Follow

Why do people think I killed Harley Warren? I did not! I do not know what has become of my friend Harley Warren.

3 notes

🐟 olmsteads-journal Follow

Hey, I’m going to visit this weird seaport town while on the way to Arkham to do genealogical research. People in Newburyport don’t want me to visit, but it’s the cheapest route to Arkham. Wish me luck!

🐟 olmsteads-journal Follow

Year later… but…

I was related to someone from that town and something else.

After I fled the town, started to become like the people from the town. I shall join them in the sea with my cousin! :)

70 notes

📚 curwen-research Follow

Note to everyone: don’t try summon up your ancestors from the grave with essential salts.

If you see a Dr. Allen around Providence, Rhode Island. Please shoot him and dissolve his body in acid.

📚 curwen-research Follow

Take no account of what I published. Dr. Allen is a grand man who meant no harm.

30 notes

👤 outsider2817 Follow

I’m going to leave my house for the first time! Wish me luck!

👤 outsider2817 Follow

I went to a house full of people partying. They all screamed and fled. What was that about?

👤 outsider2817 Follow

Oh.

100k notes

(Inspired by @strangestcase)

[drinkingteawithkate]

Okay I made a little post about this but it’s jawing at my brain

A deep dive into Ginny Weasley’s music taste

(Not specifically 90s timeline)

SPICE GIRLS

Okay so even though it might be cringy now she was definitely so obsessed with the spice girls. With their whole girl power agenda she definitely was really into it, and they have great party music. Hermione being one of her closest friends and muggle born showed her the spice girls over one summer and gave her tons of magazines on them. Tonks offered to take her to see them but Molly said absolutely not. Favorite song Wanna be obviously, it’s her designated getting ready song.

THE SMITHS/RADIOHEAD/NIRVANA/WEAZER

Okay so, Ginny dated Dean for almost a whole year being with someone you naturally gain interest in their interest. Dean being a muggle born introduced Ginny to all sorts of muggle bands The Smiths and Radiohead having a lot of sad songs I think she found very healing with all her trauma from the chamber. Nirvana is like the OG teenage dirt bag band so yes she loves them. Nirvana reminds her a lot of Sirius so she got Harry into listening to them. Weazer came from Seamus actually, when she was getting used to being around Deans friend group music came up and Seamus lent her one of his mixtapes. Her favorite song is Back to the old house because it makes her miss time before Tom and before the war.

DAVID BOWIE

So Bowie. I think Bowie would come from Bill and Arthur. Bill was born in the early 70s so it come from his childhood. We all know Arthur loves muggle things so I think music would be incorporated in that. Bowie has a perfect blend of sad and feel good music, we know she was close with Tonks but Remus helped her through second year too and Bowie was one thing they bonded over and what made Ginny trust Remus after Tom. Her favorite song is Changes because it feels like growing up.

EMINEM/D-12

Completely George and Charlie influence. She loved D-12 first obviously but she prefers Eminem. She knows every word. To every song. Harry loves when she gets wasted at parties and just stands on the table and belts out the lyrics. She’s totally a Doctor Dre fan too. The Slim shady album is her favorite it dropped in 1999 when she was freshly 17. Charlie took her to see him when she was 19 she went all out saggy jeans, heavy smudged eyeliner, bandana. When family dinners where to serious at the Burrow after the war. Her and George would start singing the dirtiest songs to get Molly’s attention on them. Favorite song in his discography is Under the Influence.

DO DOUBT/GWEN STEFANI, BIKINI KILL

Girl power rock bands I don’t have a ton to say about them. She loves No Doubt but proffers Gwen’s solo stuff. Obviously knows them from Tonks. She gave Ginny her Tragic Kingdom vinyl which released in 1995 perfect timing for her 4th year at hogwarts when she’s angry about being left out of order business. Her favorite Gwen song is Rich Girl.

ARVIL LAVIGNE

Okay so Arvil really started getting big in 2002 when her album Let Go came out. She wasn’t super big into her with that album but followed along still. Her teammates on the Harpy’s loved her and played her music in the locker rooms. She picked up again with her when Girlfriend came out but her favorite song is Here’s to never growing up.

(Later music)

TAYLOR SWIFT

I never liked that people think Ginny isn’t girlie because she grew up with 7 brothers. Yes, she is a total tomboy but she never saw being a girl as making her weak. It was just a challenge with her brothers but it just gave her more reasons to get to prove herself. If she had Taylor in her teens her favorite album would be Red or Evermore. Cowboy like me is a perfect song to describe her and Harry. “The skeletons in both our closets plotted hard to fuck this up” perfect example of their relationships with Voldemort. They definitely avoided that they had that in common for a while but after they accepted it they where able to heal through each other. I think the song I hate it here from TTPD would be one Ginny could relate too because honestly when she was completely alone her therapy was Tom and the diary. It was where she would escape too. I think her hearing that song as an adult would have an even deeper meaning because it’s so sad and describes how lonley-ness feels beautifully.

- If you want my other opinions and more bands I think she would like feel free to ask I have so many others artist and songs

This kinda turned in to me relating Ginny to my favorite music but oh well 🤷‍♀️

[trans-canadiantrain]

Meta read of why the Twelfth Doctor chose that face

Basically, why the Doctor chose that face can be explained by The Giggle

Twelve tries to figure out why he chose that face, and assumes that it's to remind himself to save people, but that leads to an act of god and hubris in resurrecting Ashildr. He remembers where the face came from, that Donna asked to save "somebody, not the whole town, but somebody", but he only does so in an emotional moment where he's not thinking logically and letting his guilt get the better of him. In actuality, his subconscious chose that face to remind him of Donna, and that he should go back for her and rest a while. After all, he just spent 900 years on Trenzalore fighting a war, that was traumatizing as hell. But he doesn't go find Donna (and Clara, bless her hot mess, is totally an enabler), and whilst he does spend 24 years with River, and then like 70 guarding a vault, he's still on alert, so to speak, not settling, not resting. He embraces endings, but he doesn't know how to emotionally deal with the endings once they've, well, ended. All though Series 10 he's mourning River, he clearly spent that night on Darillium for her sake, not for his. (And as Eleven, he loved the Ponds, but he never settled with them.)

Thirteen's face is the Doctor repressing, hiding this emotional fatigue and weariness under a facade of smiles, choosing in the moment of his regeneration to just keep plodding on because to him "rest" means "death". "One more lifetime won't kill anybody. Except me." The Doctor assumes "oh well, I can just change my face again and be new and maybe this tiredness I feel will go away". They are wrong, they get fucked over with the Timeless Child and the Flux, suddenly have to go through an identity crisis, repress it HARD, friendzone Yaz, then her subconscious goes "Okay time to make this explicit to you" and bam, David Tennant again. The TARDIS gets in on it and drops him down in front of Donna.

And that's how we end up with the specials and Fourteen getting some needed rest and rehab. It's been absolute centuries of the Doctor constantly pushing and pushing and assuming they can't stop running because it's all they've ever known, and now he has finally embraced it with the help of Donna.

[yourmidnightlover]

timeless - ch. 2

pairing: bucky barnes x reader

series summary: you, bucky and steve were the best of friends growing up. what happens when you're assigned to be a war nurse for the 107th? what happens when bucky finds himself 70 years later with scattered memories of the girl who brought him so much comfort? will your love for each other remain after all of the pain you've been put through? will your love for each other remain timeless?

chapter summary: this chapter is set during civil war when bucky and steve are reunited.

warnings: classing mcu violence, guns, mention of headshots (of the other supersoldiers from HYDRA), death, HYDRA talk, talk of assassins, please let me know if i've missed anything!

w/c: 2.1k+

a/n: hiii! i've missed writing so so much but i've finally finished the second chapter of this series! i'm so excited for it and already have so much planned. it's loosly accurate, but it definitely goes off course with the actual plot the mcu has. so THIS IS NOT CANON. i am making some of it up, mostly towards the end and bits and pieces about the reader being involved in anything. this chapter ALSO doesn't have reader in it because this part is largely the development of how they realize that reader is still alive... you'll understand once you begin reading. anywho, i hope you lovely people enjoy reading!

<- chapter 1 ~ chapter 3 ->

“which bucky am i talking to?” steve chided bucky as his arm remained in a vice. his voice remind still and steady as if his emotions hadn’t been the victim of intense whiplash from trying to get his old pal back.

“your mom’s name is sarah,” he had what almost seemed like a grin as he continued, “you used to wear newspaper in your shoes.” 

“can’t read that in a museum,” he tilted his head with an almost grimace, recalling the days when he was a few feet shorter and far less invincible. 

“wh-just like that, we’re supposed to be cool?” sam questioned incredulously, reasonably so. sam had no reason to trust bucky. he was never once his best friend. he didn’t know the lengths bucky and steve used to go to to protect one another. 

“what did i do?” bucky could tell by sam’s reaction that yet another bad deed had occurred at his hand, the one that he wasn’t even born with.

“enough.”

“oh god,” bucky sighed as he threw his head back. “i knew this would happen. everything HYDRA put inside me is still there… all he had to do is say the goddamn words,” bucky’s face filled with self-hatred that was all too familiar.

“who was he?” 

steve knew bucky would understand who he was talking about. hell, the man knew his trigger words, bucky wishes he knew who the fuck he was. it pained him that after years of not knowing who he was, being used as a mere object for a terrible agenda, he finally escaped… only to be used once more by a complete stranger.

“i don’t know.”

“people are dead,” steve leveled with bucky as if he wasn’t aware of the magnitude this all has come to. “the bombing, the setup, the doctor did all that just to get 10 minutes with you. i need you to do better than ‘i don’t know.’”

“he-he wanted to know about siberia, where i was kept,” bucky recalled. “he wanted to know exactly where.”

“why would he need to know that?” 

“because i’m not the only winter soldier.”

“what?” sam was in disbelief, his voice going into a higher pitch than steve had probably eer heard. 

“but, steve,” bucky was confused about what he was even supposed to say, how to say what he needed to. hell, he didn’t even know exactly what he knew. “my memories, they’re coming back all… jumbled. it’s like i remember pieces before the fall and then some when i was under HYDRA’s control and i can’t tell which is which. it’s like they’re getting all confused.”

“buck, what’re you trying to say here?” steve wanted bucky to tell him whatever it was he needed to, they had other pressing matters to get to the bottom of.

“you remember y/n, right?”

“how could i forget?” he smiled fondly. “she-she died, though? back when-”

“that’s what i thought too,” bucky shook his head. “but i keep seeing her in the memories with HYDRA. not from the war, not from brooklyn, it’s distinctly HYDRA, but i don’t know how much of my memories i can trust.”

steve took a step back from bucky, trying to analyze what he was implying. trying to decipher what it meant if HYDRA had taken you for all this time too. that means you must have the serum in your veins as well, but how? 

were you being used like bucky in all of HYDRA’s plans? this was all so confusing to him, bucky too. 

“who’s y/n?” sam asked, his arms thrown up in utter bewilderment. 

“she was our best friend,” steve filled in for bucky after a pause, the man clearly not able to accurately describe what you were to him. “she meant a lot to us, but we thought she died back in the war…”

“so that’s not the case? i’m assuming, based on cyborg here?” sam motioned to bucky, clearly confused as to how many people seem to come back to life or survive far past their expiration date here. 

“do you know if she’s still in siberia?” 

“after a while, the i stopped seeing the people in siberia. but i remember being with her a lot more… i don’t know what she did for HYDRA, but i don’t think she’s there,” bucky couldn’t look at steve as he tried to explain where his best friend was. 

“if she’s not there, then HYDRA surely isn’t doing anything good to her in your absence.”

“that’s what i’m most worried about.”

“those other soldiers… who were they?” steve wondered

“their most elite death squad. more kills than anyone in HYDRA history, and that was before the serum.”

“they all turn out like you?” sam sassed.

“worse.”

“the doctor, could he control them?”

“enough.”

steve shook his head, perplexed as he added, “said he wanted to see an empire fall.”

“with these guys he could do it. they speak 30 languages, can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize. they can take a whole country down in one night and you’d never see them coming.”

“this would’ve been a lot easier a week ago,” sam mentions primarily to steve.

“if we call tony…” 

“no, he won’t believe us,” sam cut steve’s idea short.

“even if he did-”

“who knows if the accords would let him.”

steve sighed, his head low as if he had been defeated, “we’re on our own.”

“maybe not,” sam had a sly smirk on as he finished, “i know a guy.”

-

after meeting with sharon carter, an easy fight with most of the avengers, and hijacking the quinjet, steve and bucky were on their own, hurtling towards siberia and a few of the world’s best unknown assassins.

bucky didn’t understand why he couldn’t pinpoint where he had known you from. all he can tell is that you were practically everywhere. because of that, part of him thinks you might’ve just been a figment of his imagination, creating a sense of comfort from one of the only people he’s ever truly cared about in the midst of his pain and the chaos HYDRA forced him to impose on the innocent. 

but if that were the case, then shouldn’t he recall more of steve as well? 

“what’s gonna happen to your friends?” bucky asked, hoping the people who put their necks on the line for him, for his best friend, would be alright. 

“whatever it is…” steve shook his head with a heavy heart. “i’ll deal with it.”

all bucky could think about was the pain of the last 70 years, but not his own. he was thinking of all the memories he’s had surface already of him harming those who didn’t deserve it, as if anyone deserved for their lives to be taken. 

“i’m don’t know if i’m worth all this, steve,” he shook his head adamantly.

“what you did all those years…” he looked thoughtfully before turning slightly to face bucky. “it wasn’t you. you didn’t have a choice.”

“i know, but i did it.”

-

once they landed atop the mountain, they went to the back to unload a few weapons and headed inside the already open door. 

“he can’t have been here a couple hours.”

“long enough to wake ‘em up,” bucky tilted his head with a grimace, not knowing if he selfishy hoped you were there or hoped you weren’t included in the infamous group of th world’s best assassins.

heading further down the corridor, they come face to face with the one, the only, iron man.

tony heads towards steve and retracts his helmet to greet the men. “you seem a little defensive,” he gestures towards bucky, who’s gun remained aimed at the red-suited man. 

“it’s been a long day,” steve sighed to try and reason with tony, thinking he was here to take him and his fugitive pal in for good.

“at ease, soldier. i’m not currently after you,” tony stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

bucky was still confused, watching the two men interact and trying to figure out his place in their conversation, but opting to simply observe and keep his gun raised in defense.

“then why’re you here,” steve asked the question bucky was also wondering, himself.

“could be your story’s not so crazy… maybe,” tony rolled his eyes as he continued. “ross has no idea i’m here, so i’d like to keep it that way.otherwise, i gotta arrest myself…” he trailed off on that note.

“well, that sounds like a lot of paperwork,” steve finally lowered his shield. “it’s good to see you, tony,” he addressed the man after figuring out it wasn’t ‘iron man’ coming to him. it was only tony.

“you too, cap,” his attention was brought to bucky after noticing his weapon was still ready to fire, pointed right at him. “hey, manchurian candidate, you’re killing me. there’s a truce here,” tony motioned to himself and steve to emphasize his point. “you can lower…” steve signalled for bucky to loer his weapon, so he did. 

the three continued their way into the bunker, trying to be ready for whatever was awaiting them. 

“i got heat signatures,” tony said after scanning the room.

“how many?”

“uh… one,” with that, the three enter the room. 

hazy yellowed lights flickered on as a speaker began to crackle to life. looking around, the soldiers were still secure in their capsules, but the only one they could see clearly had a bullet straight through their head.

“if it’s any comfort, they died in their sleep,” they recognized zemo’s voice over the speaker. bucky looked in the other capsules, ensuring your corpse wasn’t in any of the capsules. “did you really think i wanted more of you?” zemo scoffed.

“what the hell?” bucky was confused at the actions of the man before him. if he didn’t want to control some of the stronged people in the world, what did he want from killing them?

“i’m grateful to them though, they brought you here,” he chuckled slyly as the other men rolled their eyes and huffed at his secrecy. steve had launched his shield at the booth that zemo was in, only for it to come ricocheting back towards him. “please, captain. the soviets built this chamber to withstand the launch blast of UR-100 rockets.”

“i’m betting i could beat that,” tony piped in, raising his hand, ready to shoot beams through the glass. 

“oh, i’m sure you could, mr. stark, given time,” he nodded in agreement, leaving tony to lower his hand in bewilderment. “but then you’d never know why you came.”

“you killed innocent people in vienna just to bring us here?” 

“i thought about nothing else for over a year. i studied you. i followed you,” he was droning on and on about how dedicated he had been. “but now that you're standing here, i just realized . . . there's a bit of green in the blue of your eyes. how nice to find a flaw,” it was mockery for him to stand there as if he had superiority.

“you’re sokovian, is that what this is about?” steve simply wanted answers from the man who was only speaking in puzzles.

“sokovia was a failed state long before you blew it to hell. no. i'm here because i made a promise.”

“you lost someone?” steve filled in the blanks that zemo clearly had no intention of confessing.

“i lost everyone,” he made eye contact with bucky before he continued, “and i think you’ll be thrilled to know that you haven’t lost everyone, yet.”

“you know where she is, don’t you?” bucky strode towards the glass that was protecting zemo. “where the hell is she?!” his fist slammed against the glass. 

“now, now,” he rose his hands and gestured for bucky to calm down. “that’s no way to get information out of someone, although, i guess that never was your specialty, was it?” 

“did you do something to her?” his voice was a low growl. “i swear to god if you touched a hair on her head-!” 

“i didn’t do anything to her, yet, mr. barnes,” he continued to patronize the man. 

“buck,” steve placed his hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him down. “he wants you to react. he wants to upset you. don’t give him what he wants.”

bucky turns to face steve, “if he knows where she is-”

“we’ll find her on our own,” steve nodded, trying to get bucky to remain calm. “we don’t need him to manipulate us to get things figured out.”

“look, icicle,” tony chided in, “i’ll use all of my resources to help find this girl of yours - whoever she is.”

tags:

@cjand10

@coldheartedmar

[romanarose]

Queerness has always been integral with the fanfiction community, way back to its roots. Fanfiction would not be what it is today without queer stories and the people who wrote them.

Somewhere along the line phantom has become much more straight centered and I think a lot of that has to do with the last 10 years or so the rise of X reader fanfiction, instead of character X character

This is not a bad thing to be clear. I write a lot of x reader, mostly I write X reader in a heterosexual relationship fanfiction is a beautiful source of self expression and people should be able to express themselves however they choose and if they aren’t queer or don’t want to write queer stories that’s absolutely OK.

I need you to understand where this community came from. in the last year or so I’ve seen more of an uptick in queer stories than I have for the last few years and that has made me so happy! Deadpool wolverine of course, is a huge ship, and this has led to a boost in the queer men content

Additionally, in the other fandoms I’m in there’s been more people riding X male reader or two male characters, often from different fandom’s, and shows, which has been super fun

But with this, I’ve seen a backlash from people complaining that everything is gay now. They tried to frame it in a way that isn’t homophobic or trans phobic, that they just want to see themselves and fanfiction or that they’re straight fanfiction isn’t getting as much likes as gay fanfiction, and I need you guys to understand something

Firstly, this is just not true. While there are always outliers, fanfiction that pop off and do well, in general x fem reader fanfiction will do better than any gay story. If there’s a threesome story, if it’s two men and the reader, it will do well. If the two men are also kissing and fucking, it will generally do less well.

But secondly, it’s important to know that those of us post queer fanfiction are doing it out of necessity, out of fear even sometimes. We do not want to be erased and if you’ve been paid attention to any news lately we are a heavy target. Writing, explicitly queer fanfiction is us being loud and proud and those heterosexual and cisgender allies who also write these stories are supporting us.

But finally, the fandom space has always been queer

From the earliest days of phantom as we understand it now, with Star Trek and Lord of the rings, both fandoms were filled with gay fanfiction and gay fanart and those fandoms have paved the way for others as time went into the 70s and 80s.

Remember when fandom was at its peak in the early 2010s? That whole movement was built gay fanfiction. Sherlock was extremely fucking gay and the fandom was no less. Supernatural was so gay. It’s the whole reason most of us know the term queer baiting.

Doctor who, les miserables, Harry Potter, avengers. If you didn’t see queer content you simply weren’t paying attention, and I doubt you would have been on tumblr.

We have always been here. We have always been here. We build fandom into what it is now because WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE

[t00thpasteface]

Hiiiii₍⁠₍⁠◞⁠(⁠ ⁠•⁠௰⁠•⁠ ⁠)⁠◟⁠₎⁠₎

Could you explain the hipster Vs fandom war. I've been on here for like four years and I never knew that existed lol and btw I really really love your art and you are one my biggest inspos for how I imagine and draw my Clark.

i'm not sure i can explain it in a way that makes sense, and certainly not in a way that makes you say "i understand why this was such a big deal", but gl'bgolyb knows i can try.

first, let me take you on a sensory experience... picture in your mind the following things... skinny jeans... nerd glasses... a weirdly dapper fashion sense in a time where everything is baggy and neon... boom, you have 2010-2014 online tumblr hipster culture. and also 70s elvis costello, oddly enough.

although admittedly i don't know his stance on pumpkin spice lattes.

anyway. now that that's burned into your brain, consider a significant population of this exact type of person that has already been well-established on this microblogging platform around the turn of the decade. tumblr doesn't really have an app yet because smartphones haven't taken over everyone's life yet, and online fandom culture is still largely dominated by deviantart as the main "fandom hub". most people, myself included, are getting their main meme fixes from facebook (which your parents were not yet on) or the icanhazcheezburger image-aggregator network. THEN EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE FANDOM NATION ATTACKED.

somehow, a huge crowd of people who considered their favorite books/movies/games to be core personality traits began to set up shop on this fair slate-blue isle. i number myself among this crowd, having been lured here by google-image-searching for miscellaneous fanart in 2011. the "old guard" largely belongs to, and continuously attracts new bloggers within, a burgeoning subculture that 100% defines itself by bucking popular trends and social expectations... whether or not this is actually accomplished by purchasing beverages from starbucks and putting old film filters on every photo, i cannot say.

you may be seeing an issue already arising: hey, if the hipsters hate everything that's popular and gatekeep all their interests, and the fandom bloggers are obsessed with extremely popular franchises and are hell-bent making them even more popular, isn't that going to cause a little friction?

well, yes. it caused a fuck ton of friction. a division arose early on between "the fandom side of tumblr" and "the hipster side of tumblr." some people, like myself, played both sides. others abstained from the rigid dichotomy and considered themselves to be on another "side," like the science side of tumblr, known for explaining relatively straightforward STEM concepts in large essays that began with something like "listen up fuckers."

ahhh, unfriendable. such a narrow little window in time where cheezburger sites and facebook had equal sway in the online zeitgeist.

interestingly, as someone who trawled a LOT of aesthetic tags, the most popular of which was simply #aesthetic (it was shockingly consistent in there), i never actually saw hipster bloggers complaining about fandom bloggers. it was always the other way around, with fandom bloggers bragging about how much they're freaking out the squares to get cool points with other fandom bloggers, all while never actually engaging with the hipster bloggers because their tags rarely overlapped.

hi, marge! we're freaking out the hipsters!

regardless of whether there was any material reality to it, or if it was simply a Minitrue level of entirely fictional warfare, this concept entrenched itself into the fandom bloggers, likely as a way to still feel "edgy" and unique while, again, obsessing over extremely popular and mainstream things like doctor who, pokemon, avatar the last airbender, the brand-new mcu, and other decidedly non-counterculture media. even with things it felt like no one irl had heard of, like hetalia and homestuck, those were online juggernauts nonetheless, the former of which had dominated deviantart for years and the latter of which prompted hotels and convention centers across the world to implement very strict rules about unsealed body paint. people treated fandoms like they were some sort of exclusive country club with membership fees and a dress code. and dunking on hipsters became an entire genre of Fake Internet Story, which were already pervasive on this website.

what's the point of being in a clique if there's no outgroup to flex on? #swag

this whole phenomenon ran concurrently, even symbiotically, with other tumblrisms like "tumblr university" and those horrendous "not like other girls" memes...

which means, of course, it was absolutely dead in the fucking water once DashCon happened in 2014. i don't need to tell you what happened at DashCon (there's a million essays and videos about it if you're one of today's lucky ten thousand who's never heard of it), but all across the fandom side of tumblr, it felt like finding out your parents lied about santa claus. turns out the fandoms you're in don't actually say anything about who you are as a person, a bunch of tumblrinas can't just will a fully functional micronation into existence just by wearing tacky merchandise in a public venue, and magic probably isn't real.

i wish i had some grand way to end this story, but really the moral is the same as it ever was: online drama is eternal, inescapable, and completely fucking worthless. if you only post to get mad at shit, especially if you're just making up a guy to get mad at, cut that out. touch grass. look at images of cats. i don't remember any of the enemies i made from this era, but i fondly remember all the friends, and i'm richer for making those positive connections. that's all for today's episode of Tumblr History with Toothpaste Face... remember to tip your waitress and stay minty.

[mallowmaenad]

Tumblr in the Guilty Gear Universe

💉doctor-feelgood Follow

If you support gear rights you're literally asking for another crusade. Those things are bioweapons and shouldn't be walking around in public especially where people have their kids and elderly.

🐲 dragon-is-smol Follow

You are literally a dr. baldhead rpf blog

🔮band-refrence Follow

I don't care what chronically online leftists have to say about Zepp using black tech is bad for the environment and could potentially bring stuff in from the backyard. You want eldritch horrors? Because that's how you get eldritch horrors.

🛠️steam-ingenious Follow

my president can beat your president in a fight

🔮band-refrence

That's not going to fucking matter when we're all choking on your fucking smoke and reality as we know it is falling apart because your stupid blimp country won't stop violating UN laws.

🛠️steam-ingenious

^^^wizardcel malding at perfectly constructed Zepp nuclear power plants because they need a 8 year degree to get a license to mod Dwarf Fortress.

📖 magic-the-gabbering Follow

This site is almost 200 years old and the discourse is still the same. Sigh. I miss MySpace.

⚓dolphingirldick Follow

OP arent you supposed to be in prison for all those warcrimes you did

📖 magic-the-gabbering

Those are my children and I'd prefer you not speak about them that way, but yes I am currently serving out my sentence in a maximum security prison I'm just also telepathically dictating my posts to my identical clone.

🟦 teal-album Follow

PSA Everyone block and report @burger-enjoyer , she was an active participant in Sanctus Maximus Populi Ariels' omnicide against mankind and works for the Illyrian military and I'm pretty sure she literally lives with the royal family.

🍔burger-enjoyer Follow

im only a few months old...

🤡 mandatory-fun Follow

don't you need to be like 14 or something to make a tumblr account?

🍔burger-enjoyer

I was born at a very old age...

🛍️destructive-goodwill Follow

I wana a vote onthe polls,,, but im an onest man so i canne only tap. bald option.

👹kingglizzy Follow

"18+ only or I block" mfs are literally so fucking gearphobic we just got free will less than a decade ago and ur saying I can't finger myself to some anime milf titties cause it took me less time to come out of a test tube than it took 4 u to buy cigarettes???

👨‍🏫backyard-baseball-2186 Follow

thats for humans dude

👹kingglizzy

king kiske's son is 3 years old and looks like a pirate on steroids i dont wanna hear it

🌚entered-sandman Follow

Honestly for a micro-blogging platform this place is pitiful. People are too busy arguing over petty minutiae of political views they ultimately agree on to get even the smallest ideological upper hand. For what? It's not like you're getting anywhere squabbling with fandom bloggers about what flavor of anarcho-marxist-leninist-maoism should triumph when some supposed "revolution" comes about. Not like any weak-willed discourse-spewing ingrates on this site actually has the strength to back up their ideals. I think I will go on a years-long hiatus and only return to see how you roaches have amused yourselves arguing about which character from a television show has the purest vision of a utopian society or should be arrested for sexual assault then promptly delete my account when I am through laughing at the pathetic excuse for social media posts you tumblrites serve up.

🌚entered-sandman

$##*&??/70!\)61¢@@^69<p_($6E%

⚙️ultimate-gear-chaser Follow

this guy stopped posting because he ran out of words

🏳️‍⚧️21centurycannaboidgirl Follow

girlies please stop comparing yourself to Bridget she's been on puberty blockers and E since she was a child and has rich parents

🌝hotlinebing Follow

im pretty sure Bridget never said he was even trans to begin with, can we not erase GNC men from the conversation?

🏳️‍⚧️21centurycannaboidgirl

im not having this conversation POTEMKIN BUSTER

🐍forcedragonned Follow

folks on this site are trying to cancel me for saying the gear-maker is sexy because i'm half-gear like that's the same thing as incest he didn't fuckin make me in a lab like some sort of frankenstein I was born in fucking Syracuse.

🛢️oozey-oozeborne Follow

youre tryna ride that peepaw dick.

🐍forcedragonned Follow

I am tryna ride that peepaw dick.

⛅here-comes-the-sun Follow

I think I just saw one of my followers post a deepfake of Potemkin beating up King Kiske?? This is why we need to make Arcane Intelligence image generators illegal.

🏳️‍⚧️21centurycannaboidgirl Follow

no that was real.

❌kurtcobalt6 Follow

tumblr banned me for my awesome and epic bunny dronification pics so I promise to only post circumcised smurf penis from now on.

🍲potroast-buster Follow

aren't you that user that paints his dick blue to get around the censor bot thingy?

❌kurtcobalt6

August 9th 2213.

🔐masterlockslut Follow

i cant handle those jokes about peeple with short attenchon spans if u jingle keys in front of me i am going to cum.

🍭scissormysister Follow

Hey OP

🔐masterlockslut

im in a monogamus relashonship plz dont flirt with mee. now i need to go relief myself on my hubby's teeth to calm down and reyafirm our bond

[batterfang]

Feeling really frustrated tonight just thinking about the fact that my low iron levels were ignored or passed off as in normal range for so long. My ferritin was at 21. I think the "normal range" that many clinics use in my area is 15 - 150. I've been dealing with fatigue, fast heartbeat, weakness, hair loss for so many fucking years now to just learn by going into a dermatologist FINALLY that she considers me iron deficient. She wants my ferritin to be around 70 to potentially help with the hair loss. Not one of 4 doctors I've had in the past 6 years has thought that my iron was low. So it's probably been slowly getting worse over the years to where now I'm at the point I feel incapable of walking around the block or even cleaning most days. Is this definitively what my problem is? I'll find out over the next year as I supplement but god damn I'm mad.

My mom has struggled with anemia throughout her life and her lowest level was 23. She could barely move some days just from the pain. It took one doctor to be like.. 23 is way too low holy shit. And it was only after her ferritin levels came up from supplementing that she felt better. Then years later when it happened again, a hysterectomy to stop her insane bleeding. Thankfully my periods aren't like my moms were but even if you have normal periods, look at your ferritin. I'm begging you. If you feel like crap and you can't figure out why, know that the ranges currently in use are failing to prevent anemia from progressing to the point I'm at right now. No way in hell is anyone at the lower end of the spectrum, lower than me, okay.

Every body is different and some people might need more iron than what doctors consider to be in normal range. You might function great at 25 while others need to be much higher.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Au where it takes Voyager nearly the full 70 years to get back home and Naomi Wildman, Tuvok, and the EMH are the only ones of the original crew to survive the journey. Naomi is depressed about her life (chasing a 'home' she doesn't feel connected to + dreads seeing) and battle hardened, Tuvok is fully senile and the Doctor is pretty much fine.

Naomi's Speech: Tuvok, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Starfleet stopped talking to us regularly years ago. Everyone is dead and so are the people who loved them. The people waiting for us now aren't waiting with love or baited breath. They're checking the clock dispassionately, it's a chore to them and it infuriates me but I can't say I'm not just tapping my foot either. There's nothing for me on Earth. There's nothing for any of us there - why are we trying so desperately to reach a place that was never home to any of us? Maybe out of obligation? It was their dying wish after all but they were all buried in this godforsaken quadrant. I was born in this quadrant. And..And it's awful but I love this fucking quadrant. It raised me. This ship raised me. Its people raised me. I don't want to leave it all behind. I've already left so much.

[findingoblivion]

The unique trans experience: All your friends and loved ones either hate themselves or did and there's about a 33% chance at any given time that your trans friend is going to become fed up from existing in this fucking hellscape or the depression will be too much or they'll go through something so traumatic that they'll cut off all contact with you and probably just kill themselves.

Ah, what a wonderful world we live in. Why do I personally know at least one person who killed themselves and another two I couldn't confirm but probably did too?

Why is it that there's a 70% chance every time I talk with a trans person 10 years younger than me that I learn very quickly they don't have any hope for the future and want to kill themselves more and more every day?

And why is it that our society has ground us down so fucking much that it's so hard to see even 5 or 10 years in front of us? Why is it that I can use all the facts and logic and give all the support and help I can and it just doesn't fucking matter because society is such piece of trash fucking garbage no matter where you go that all the kind words in the world can't do shit against the tide of fascism and hate and even in the "best" countries for trans people in the world you can still wait for years on a wait list, you can still be refused progesterone, you can still struggle with life because you keep getting fucked over by Doctors who don't listen to you and Psychs who keep tossing you meds like you throw a dog a bone?

Why is life so fucking hard? Why do people make it so fucking hard? Why can't you just have the tiniest amount of empathy for us?

"Oooh idk she's into stuff like rape and blood and knives can we really trust her she's such a freak, I wouldn't feel safe with her. Let alone 18 year olds!"

Shut the fuck up. Shut up. Go outside and fucking lick the grass and get naked and roll in it until you have a slightly firmer grasp on fucking reality and then go fuck yourself.

I'm so fucking tired!!!! I'm so FUCKING tired of all this fucking bullshit.

"Oh man it sounds like they need a support group"

Wow you don't fucking say. How about people stop trying to fucking kill us and take away our rights and autonomy, how about that?

"You can't be trans! You're going to hate it! 409% of trans people report having more depression because I've made their lives so hard! See? You can't be trans or I'm gonna make your life fucking hell!"

I often think about the god who blessed us with this cryptic puzzle, and wonder if we'll ever get the chance to kill him.

[mywingsareonwheels]

I was thinking about the whole... what's more progressive debate out of m/m romance representation and actually close and tender (as opposed to buddyish) m&m friendships. And how utterly futile and insulting to the need for more of both a debate it is when we need infinitely more of both and a lot of other things.

Fundamentally, between the lingering after-effects of the Hays Code and the extremist end of Christianity (not that those two are unconnected) and the patriarchy (ditto) and militarism and capitalism... in mainstream Western story media we still struggle to get *any* genuine emotional intimacy that isn't:-

romance between a different-gender couple who are both cishet, and which if it's happy will lead to marriage (but hasn't yet).

marriage between ditto, but only if they haven't been together very long (after they have for a few years they're supposed to bicker all the time).

at an extreme pinch, fond closeness between blood relatives, especially if at least one of them is a woman.

Friendships between men and between women are okay so long as there's a... distancing of rivalry and teasing. If you can imagine one of them tucking the other in or stroking their hair (especially if they're both men) or being utterly and wholly in solidarity with each other (especially if they're both women)... hm, no.

And that's... it. We're still at a point in mainstream western media where anything that deviates from, especially to the extent of serious warmth and trust and confidence and understanding between the characters, that feels at least a little transgressive, especially in e.g. a blockbuster movie. We're still at a point where everything else is under-represented. Less and less so, thank everything, but still.

I'm thinking of some of my favourite relationships in fiction at the moment and how they fuck with those stereotypes and do better things (and always as part of awesome stories, because as always, good rep is important but it should never be treated as everything). :-) This is inevitably a v personal list, I'm not claiming that anything here is The Purest And Least Problematic Thing Ever, and this is very much just a, "this is what's enthusing me right now" thing. :D

yes they're a het couple and both cis, but: Mike and Alison Cooper in Ghosts. They have been married for a few years now, and they actually like each other. They're best friends as well as lovers, and I know that some critics have actually had a problem with this and regard it as unrealistic. [facepalm] I adore so much that they're not a stereotypical sitcom married couple, nothing like. In a quiet way they are utterly defiant and fuck completely with the genre.

Donna Noble & the Doctor in Doctor Who. I mean, do I need to say much more? :D Close, glorious platonic friendship between a woman and... the Doctor. Some of the most beautiful platonic love in any fiction ever and it's so tender and gorgeous and fun. Adore it. <3

Red, White, and Royal Blue is a silly film but omg I adore it and part of it is seeing all of those standard romance beats between two men. And with a lot more true closeness than a lot of het romcoms manage. We're getting more and more of this (we need more between women too, and indeed other queer romances of many and various kinds!!!). <3 <3 <3

yes, they're shit at expressing their love for each other most of the time, but I still stubbornly add: E Morse & Fred Thursday in Endeavour. The fact that they're inhabiting the 1960s-70s and there is no framework for their mutual affection and devotion is of course part of why things get so hard for them both. They don't know what to do with it or where to place each other in their priorities, but the loyalty and the tenderness is there, and some remarkable emotional intimacy at times considering who they both are. We watch and interpret it as father-son or as romantic or as fraternal or as an intense and wonderful (and complicated and difficult) friendship. But it defies easy definition and... and oh goodness well anyone who's been following me for any length of time knows how I can go on about them, apologies. ;-)

the entire Fellowship of the Ring, but especially Frodo and Sam. And whatever my mixed feelings on the PJ films of The Lord of the Rings, my Gods am I endlessly glad and grateful that they retained warmth and intensity and devotion and intimacy. I worry that it wouldn't have been if made now, with a more stereotypical masculinity so much in the ascendant in mainstream film-making (we really are in the midst of a patriarchal/homophobic/transphobic reaction :( ). As with Morse and Thursday, you can absolutely interpret some of the connections there as romantic (and we know that Tolkien was remarkably non-homophobic for a man of his generation and religion), or as platonic. Either way, what matters is that there's serious love there between male characters and that goes right back to the books. Tolkien could be problematic af, but I love him so much for how he writes masculinity and love between men. <3

Heartstopper, not just for Nick/Charlie and Tara/Darcy, but also because of Charlie's friendships with Elle, Isaac, and (especially, actually) Tau.

everything with Found Family, and especially everything with Found Family where there is no easy equivalence to a "nuclear" family to map the characters on to.

Honestly I could go on. Hooray for all of these! But also: we are still in a position where these all feel subversive and make a lot of the more bigoted critics spectacularly uncomfortable (even when there is no actual queer rep). We're still in a position where mainstream film series and some tv shows struggles with anything like this, and/or will sabotage a friendship between men and even an entire character arc because it's got too close and intimate and there's a desperate need to "no homo" everything (*coughs* Steve Rogers *coughs*). We're still in a position where romance between women and any romance involving trans people of any gender is dramatically under-everythinged (but that between cis men is also still not exactly even a fraction of where it should be). We're still in a position where honestly even the representation of romance between cishet characters is most often weirdly distant and lacks real closeness or mutual liking between them (often, let's face it, because the writers struggle to write women as people). I snarked a bit at first about the debate as to which is more important and under-represented between m/m romance and really open and loving m&m friendship, but honestly the main problem with that debate is that dividing up the exact same problem: we aren't going to get more open and loving representations of m&m friendship until the media get less afraid of the relationship being interpreted as romantic whether or not it is, by both fans and haters. (I.e. don't blame the shippers when a production company loses their nerve and trashes a friendship between men so that it's not seen as romantic! Blame homophobia. I mean, to put it on its simplest real-life terms, it's consistently my experience in the UK at least that het male allies are in general vastly more comfortable hugging each other than homophobes are.)

[becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys]

Doctor Who, but Chronologically: 37

It's still 1941! And still London! And we're watching Victory of the Daleks.

Funnily enough, for a truly shite episode, it really benefits from this stupid watch order and following the Empty Child. It makes it much more atmospheric, and makes you feel the world war going on outside. That's good, because there's fuck all real urgency going on. Weird episode, really. Weirdly structured.

Anyway, it's Matt Smith and Amy for this one. No Rory. Amy seems new, too - at the end of the episode they have a conversation which boils down to "So you have archnemeses? I didn't realise travelling with you would be so dangerous." It's actually a very stupid conversation because the Doctor's response is "Yes it is dangerous, is that a problem?" and Amy says "Well I'm still here, aren't I?" which might have been a meaningful line if they were back home in her house or something, but as it is, they're standing in a World War Two war room about 70-odd years away from her timeline and have only just wrapped up the adventure, so there is LITERALLY NO CONCEIVABLE WAY SHE WOULDN'T STILL BE HERE.

This is a pattern of trite lines badly delivered that is repeated through the episode.

Plot-wise: Winston Churchill is trying to use Daleks to win the war. Fleabag's dad is here, and claims to have built them. There are three! Last we saw there was only Dalek Caan. Then the Doctor yells at them in a big badly-written grandiose speech that he is the Doctor and they are the Daleks, and that means up in space their space ship can activate some sort of gene bank to resurrect lots of Daleks. The rest of the episode is six new Daleks in Power Ranger colours trying to blow up Fleabag's dad, who it emerges is a robot. The Doctor can either kill the Daleks, or stop the Earth being destroyed. Obviously he chooses the latter.

It's... okay well, there are some great bits, actually. Love all the Troughton nods - nothing has ever scared me as much as that cliffhanger in Evil of the Daleks where the Dalek is just repeating "I am your servant" over and over while the Doctor screams and begs everyone to believe him that it's going to kill everyone, and they were clearly aiming to recreate that scene. They don't entirely manage it, like, but I love the attempt. Love the quotes, too. All great. Also, here's another way this watch order actually benefits this story: we've just seen a Dalek episode where even the slightest attempt at compromise doesn't work, and they'll kill everyone first, thanks to Daleks in Manhattan. So seeing them here, with them claiming to be on our side, is genuinely shocking.

Uhhhh, the entire rest of the episode is shit, though. Fuck I hate WW2 stories. They just nosedive into nauseating jingoism every time. The fawning and sycophantic dick-sucking of Churchill is just gross, given that the man was a monster who merely happened to be on the right side of a war. I hope we one day get a Matt Smith story with Yaz where he tries this schtick with Churchill in front of her, and she's allowed to strangle him with a Union Jack. Meanwhile, this might be one of the worst attempts at a trolley problem I've ever seen? I think? Like the issue is, if the Doctor allows the Dalek ship to be shot down by the RAF and destroyed, they will activate the countdown on the robot and crack the Earth in half. If he leaves, and lets them go off to the future, they won't.

So he goes with option two, BUT immediately pegs it back to the robot, because he knows they're going to activate the countdown anyway. Which they do. So why did you bother calling off the RAF. What was the point. Just fucking shoot them. But no, the plot demanded it I guess, so here we are.

Also the Power Ranger Daleks are just terrible. The bronze ones are so cool, all steampunky and creepy, and then the Power Ranger ones legit look like they're about to break apart and form a Megazord. They don't even have a good silhouette, they sort of bulge weirdly at the back.

BUT ANYWAY let's focus on what's important - the new info!

Because we get quite a bit here. As the Doctor tries to convince Churchill that the Daleks are evil (over the course of about five separate scenes in which they have the same conversation on a loop and you start to wonder when any plot will happen) he turns to Amy.

"Amy, tell him," he says.

"Why would I know?" Amy asks fairly.

"Because you've seen Daleks!" the Doctor exclaims. "Thousands of their ships, trying to conquer your world!"

Omg what??? When???

"Omg what??? When???" says Amy

"OMG WHAT??? HOW???" says the Doctor. "YOU CAN'T JUST GO FORGETTING THAT SHIT???"

So that happened. Meanwhile, the Doctor gets a right cob on with a Dalek and starts boasting about killing them.

"I sent you all back into the void to save the universe!" he says.

Yet more plot threads. I can't believe there are so many. Almost like this is a stupid watch order etc.

Oh, and at the end of the episode, the Doctor reminds us that Amy has unnaturally forgotten the Daleks invading her planet, and we're treated to a weird crack in the wall. I wonder if that's relevant?

“She” (an unknown person) is returning (perhaps River returned as Missy. Maybe Me? Maybe Clara???!)

There is something on Donna’s back

An entire planet, Pyrovilia, just… disappeared, somehow. (Maybe because the TARDIS is exploding??? Saturnine was also lost, and that WAS because of the TARDIS exploding. The lion man’s planet was also lost but he was a bit of a knob about it if I’m honest.)

Amy is maybe dead (she’s not)

The Doctor has been cubed (he’s out, but how?)

River is possibly blown up  (unless she’s Missy. Nope: she is definitely not blown up)

The TARDIS has blown up  (It’s fine now. Except it’s sort of melting now because it’s corrupted, but it’s fine again)

The universe appears to have ended  (the universe is back again)

The Doctor has employed(?) Nardole

(And Nardole was “reassembled???” Nardole had glass nipples and invisible hair?? WHAT THE FUCK IS HE)

There’s a vault in the TARDIS and it contains Missy but we don’t know why (sometimes she knocks for the bants)

There’s an immortal Viking girl now. Her name is Me and she’s now looking after the people the Doctor abandons

Why was Rory entirely unconcerned by the entire world suddenly going silent when that is Not Normal and should have been, at the very least, extremely disconcerting?

What did the Doctor do to Queen Lizzie One?

Why is Amy seeing a one-eyed woman in a vanishing window? (She’s with the Silents, but we don’t know why Amy saw her)

Why is Amy’s pregnancy inconclusive? (Maybe because the baby had Time Lord DNA?)

Who is Sarah-Jane Smith?

How is the Doctor Bill’s teacher and why/where does he have an office?

What is going on with the Cyber War and the Cyberium???

What happened with the Other Cyber War?

What happened with the Third War that deleted the void?

Why does Rose seem particularly important?

What order do these Doctors go in? (Eccleston, Tennant, uncertain, Smith, Capaldi, Whittaker)

Which companion just… forgot the Doctor, and how?

Yaz and Vinder are about to die as Mori/Mwri/Muuri

There is a Lupari shield around Earth.

What’s a Time War?

What’s the Rift?

What’s Bad Wolf?

In which war did the Doctor become a war criminal, and how?

Who is the Master?

Why has Amy forgotten Rory? NEW INFO: how did she forget a Dalek invasion?

Is Rory plastic or not?

Why is the Doctor sulking on a cloud?

How exactly does the Doctor have a cloud?

What exactly happened with Strax to, uh, tame him?

Which friend killed Strax?

Which friend brought Strax back?

Where did this lesbian lizard and human couple come from?

What happened with Clara as Souffle Girl and the Daleks?

How does Clara actually join?

Why so many Claras?

Why is Missy apparently in robo-heaven?

Why is probably!Missy pushing Clara and the Doctor together?

What is Trensilor and what happened there?

Who is Handles?

The Doctor is about to be dissolved by a beautiful geode man

The universe is being crushed by the Flux

Will the Doctor open the fobwatch?

Sontarans are invading Earth again

Who is Kate?

Who is Osgood? Another name of Clara’s again?

The fuck is the deal with the Grand Serpent

Does Martha get to go to an ice cream planet with 12-fingered massage aliens?

How did the Doctor forget Clara?

Who is Bill’s puddle girlfriend Heather?

How did Nardole die?

When does Bill get Cyberman-ed and die?

When does the Doctor shrink and enter a Dalek called Rusty?

Whittaker is falling to her death rn

Was that ring relevant?

Does anyone know the Doctor’s name?

When did Yaz talk to Dan about fancying the Doctor?

When did Dan talk to the Doctor about fancying Yaz?

What’s happening with the bees?

What happened with Donna’s ex and a giant spider?

What war wiped out the Daleks, and is it one of the ones already mentioned?

What did the Doctor mean when he said “The (Daleks) always live, while I lose everything?”

If Dalek Caan is the last Dalek left why are there more now?

How did the rest of the Time Lords die?

How and why did Amy melt?

What’s the question that will make silence fall?

Why do the Silents… want silence to fall?

How and why are Silents at war with the Doctor when he… hasn’t even heard of them?

How does Hitler get out of the cupboard?

What’s the significance of fish fingers and custard?

Why does the Doctor feel guilt about Rose, Martha and Donna?

What happened with the space whale?

When does Rory defend Amy for 2000 years?

How does the Doctor survive River

How does he erase himself from history

Did Captain Jack lose his memories to the same people as the Doctor? What did he lose?

When did the Doctor send the Daleks into a void to save the universe?

What's with the weird crack in the wall and is it affecting memories?